Amy Dallon, Herald of Andraste

[Balorak146]

Well, that could have gone...actually, that really is about the best it realistically could have gone.

And stop poking Amy's buttons, Shaper. She does that too much on her own as it is.

 

[Kylia Quilor]

Well, that could have gone...actually, that really is about the best it realistically could have gone.

And stop poking Amy's buttons, Shaper. She does that too much on her own as it is.

Click to shrink...

Shaper gambled everything on Amy and is not going to give up until the Gacha pull gives it what it wants.

 

[bob1?]

wow, she really missed the point in lord of the rings…
you know I honestly can't wait for Cole to start his little "therapy" sessions with he, I'm sure it will go pleasantly for everyone involved.

can he sense shaper?

 

[Kylia Quilor]

Author's Note: Behold! After another Breakdown, Amy almost gets it! Just barely in reach. You know what they say about hitting rock bottom before going upwards.

Many thanks extended to all my readers and those who have commented, and to everyone who has contributed to the TV Tropes page.

Amy Dallon, Herald of Andraste

By Kylia

Chapter 12​

Once more, Amy was back in Josephine's office. Her desk was even more piled with papers and letters than last time she'd been there - the woman had been busy while Amy was in the Hinterlands, but she had said she'd been working hard on corresponding with nobles and stuff to get support for the Inquisition. That was a lot of paper though.

"How have you not gotten cramps from writing all those letters?"

"Long years of arduous practice, mostly," Josephine said with a soft laugh, sitting down at her desk. Food was supposed to be brought in soon, and Josphine started gathering some of the papers and letters together, putting them into drawers and organizing the piles. "I have been in charge of managing my family's finances for some years now, and before then, I maintained regular correspondence with friends and contacts all over Thedas."

"Sounds exhausting," Amy sighed. "Keeping up with letters with so many people."

"I find it quite invigorating overall, honestly. It is a wonderful way to stay abreast of matters happening all over the world, and I enjoy learning as much as I can. It is the mark of a true Antivan aristocrat to be able to have a skilled and informed conversation on nearly any topic one might imagine." Josephine's words didn't remotely make Amy feel like it was any less exhausting. "And as the heir to the Montilyet family, I have an obligation to manage the finances for the success of our House."

Amy blinked. 'Heir'. Not 'head' of the house. If Amy remembered what Josephine had said a while back right, both of her parents were still alive, but Josephine was managing the family money, not them? She wondered how that worked, but she didn't press on it. Maybe they just decided she was better with numbers or whatever.

"It is somewhat more tiresome trying to secure support for the Inquisition, though reports of your healing abilities are beginning to spread, and I suspect that will rebound to our benefit as well."

"I'm not healing rich nobles just to get their support," Amy said quickly. "I don't do requests. I heal people who need it, but it's based on who I can get to, and who needs it the most." She shook her head. She'd been offered money more than once for healing, to jump the line, to heal people who really didn't need her services just so they could save time on recovery after surgery, or not have to wait on transplant lists even though they had a long time before it was actually essential they got a transplant or whatever else. And one son of a bitch who had been eating and drinking his way into an early grave who wanted Amy to undo all that so he could keep going - no dieting, no cutting back on the booze or the cigars.

She turned them all down.

Heroes didn't take money to let rich bastards cheat the system. Or get out of the consequences of being gross, fat drunks.

"I do recall you mentioning you don't do healing 'on request', yes. Don't worry, I haven't pledged your services to anyone, though I'm sure requests will start to come in." Josephine assured her. "If I may ask, why do you not do requests? It would be of great use to the Inquisition, and from what I understand, your healing isn't a limited resource."

"Well, I have to actually be there, so I'm not schlepping all the way to some random castle just to heal some duke that thinks they matter more than anyone else," Amy explained. She sighed, "Mostly it's just - if I start doing one request, I get more. If I just refuse them all here, like I do back home, then they'll stop asking. Eventually. Mostly."

She still got requests sometimes, from people on the street or whatever who recognized her, but everyone at Arcadia knew better than to try and ask Amy for healing now, finally.

Josephine shook her head, chuckling, "I am afraid that perhaps you have never met an Orlesian noble if you think saying no to them would be enough to dissuade them from something they truly want."

"And that Orlesian Noble hasn't met me," Amy muttered. "No means no, when it comes to my healing. Someone tries to force me, I can always just give them cancer." She actually managed a smile. "That's actually part of the official plan my Aunt and Carol drew up, for if someone tried to kidnap me to make me heal someone."

"But it never happened?"

"No, thank god," Amy confirmed. "I guess people were either too afraid of my sister beating them to a pulp, or Carol cutting an arm off or anything else my family can do." She let out a breath. "People know my family's dangerous. They know Glory Girl - my sister - will personally take on anyone who tries to hurt me." She smiled a little, more genuinely and easily this time, then her smile faded as she felt the ache of missing Vicky throb in her chest again. She was always missing her sister, but if she tried not to think about it, it hurt a little less. She blinked her eyes, hating that she felt like she might start to cry again.

Damnit damnit damnit. Vicky wouldn't cry this much for missing me. Her sister could be strong. She could too. She had to be. Amy bit the inside of her cheek.

"Please, do not cry - I do not mean to keep reminding you of your family." Josephine opened one of the drawers.

"I'm missing my sister all the time. It's - You didn't make it happen." Amy said quickly.

"Still. Perhaps this can cheer you up at least a little." She took out a small metal box with a locked latch, and handed Amy a key. Amy took the box, and the key, shaking the box a little. She heard something moving against the metal, a lot of something's. Small and -

Is it it -

Amy set the box down on a clear patch of Josephine's desk and unlocked it, opening it to reveal that the box was packed full of coffee beans.

"I - Josephine, you are my favorite person in Thedas." Amy said after a moment, taking the time to smell the beans. She'd never actually done that much back home - it was usually just coffee grounds and coffee and boom, drink, but at this point she -

She had her own supply of coffee that she could take on the road now. This was a lot of beans actually, and she could probably be really careful and parcel it out.

Not that she wanted to just have a small amount, but that way she'd always have coffee.

"And I arranged for a coffee grinder of your own," Josephine handed Amy a small grinder, looking maybe less fancy than the one Josephine had used, but still, she could grind her own coffee.

"Thank you, oh my god, thank you so much," Amy let out a long sigh, feeling something almost resembling contentment for a long moment. "When we go to Val Royeaux, I can actually have coffee on the trip." She tried to think back to those distant camping trips, before her trigger, before Vicky's trigger. Back when life had been... back when Amy had been something resembling carefree, and she could just... be Amy Dallon. She hadn't been a coffee drinker back then, but she had seen one or more of the adults making coffee over the campfire.

"When you actually get to Val Royeaux, I suggest getting coffee at one of the cafes," Josephine suggested. "They're not quite as good as the cafes back in Antiva, but," she inclined her head a little, "they are still better than making it yourself here in Haven, or on the road."

"Assuming anyone will sell to the false prophet," Amy muttered.

"In my experience, the only thing cafe owners in Val Royeaux care about is how your money spends," Josephine assured her.

"Saved by greed," Amy chuckled humorlessly.

"Self-interest is often one of the best ways to motivate someone." Josephine pointed out. "Mutual self-interest is after all the foundation of all good political and business relationships."

"Because god forbid doing the right thing be what people do." Amy grumbled.

"Unfortunately, most people are not so selfless," Josephine sighed. "The world would be a simpler place if more people were such, but one must live with the world we have, not the one we would prefer." She poured herself some water from a metal pitcher and offered some to Amy. Amy nodded and Josephine handed her a cup and filled it.

"Don't I know it." Amy muttered. She was about to say something else when the door opened and someone brought in food. It was more stew, which seemed to be a staple up here. But at least this one didn't have cabbage, and from the smell, she thought that was pork, rather than mutton. Also bread - dark bread, like what they usually had here. Amy had occasionally gotten something lighter, but the rye was the most common.

Something something white bread used to only be for the rich people? That sparked some sort of memory from Amy, maybe from some movie or late night documentary she only half-paid attention to.

Josephine accepted the food with thanks and once the person who brought the food was gone, she eyed it with a small frown.

"It is a low priority, but I do hope we can import more options for food than what is available here." She said after a moment. "One makes do with what they must face, but... I am not overly fond of stew."

"At least it isn't mutton?" Amy felt weird being the one to point out the bright side, but... it was a bright side.

"That is true." Josephine let out a breath. "I knew what I was getting into when I agreed to come here, though I do admit I didn't expect to stay in Haven for long. If it was practical, I would strongly advise we relocate elsewhere, but staying close to the Breach like this is likely the best option." She sighed, "Still, why anyone would feel the need to live here before Andraste's Ashes were found, I will never understand."

Josephine was rich, so yeah, she was probably used to much fancier places than here. Better beds too.

Your home still doesn't have electricity and shit. I'm slumming it a lot more than you. Amy that back, rather than say it, because Josephine had just given her coffee and... she was probably the nicest person Amy had actually met so far in Thedas.

Besides, Haven was pretty shitty.

"I don't know what I don't like more. The cold, or the middle of nowhere or the limited food options. They all suck," Amy agreed.

"It is unfortunate, but keeping busy helps distract the mind from it." Josephine noted. "From the cold, the rustic amenities, the food, the wildlife, the complete lack of civilization for miles around..." she sighed, then started to eat. She had a few spoonfuls of her stew, Amy doing the same, before Josphine spoke up again. "Though given what you have said of your home, the adjustment for you is much more severe."

"Yeah, but we already know that. And no amount of bitching is going to make television a thing here."

"Television?"

Amy took a bite of the bread, grimacing at the taste and thought about how to answer. "TV is a way to like... watch a play without having to be at the theater. Any time, even if it's really far away. Or the play was done years ago."

"And this is not magic?"

"No. It's- I don't know how it works. I just know you turn it on and watch stuff. Mark - my adoptive father - and I would do it a lot when we couldn't sleep. It takes less energy than reading. Just... sit there and sort of mindlessly watch whatever was on that was halfway interesting." Amy explained.

Josephine shook her head in wonderment, "Being able to see a play any time, anywhere would be quite pleasant, especially here." She ate another spoonful of her stew. "I gather you read for pleasure, as a pastime?"

"I used to. I... I sort of fell out of the habit, and..." Amy sighed. "It's hard to focus on it sometimes. It's hard to enjoy it." And then the only book I have that's fiction right now is the book Katerina gave me and suggested I read and I don't want to give her the satisfaction of reading it. It was stupid, but it kept stopping Amy when she considered trying to get back to the Tale of the Champion. "Healing took up most of my day and energy, back home."

"I can understand not having the time to pursue your enjoyments," Josephine sighed. "Since taking over the majority of my family's finances, in addition to both my prior position as Antivan Ambassador to Orlais, and this one, I have found my time to simply... relax quite limited. Still, you are young, and there is little healing you can do here, at least, most of the time. You should take the time to rest, when you can. There is no need for you to work yourself to the point of exhaustion. I have many duties, and less relaxation than I'd like, but I do take what chances I can."

"I'm fine. I don't need to be coddled like I'm made of glass," Amy muttered. "Did Cassandra put you up to saying that? I'm fine. I don't need to - I'm fine, okay?!" Amy raised her voice at the end of that, and Josephine seemed pretty impassive in response to Amy yelling.

"Cassandra put me up to nothing. Why would you believe she had?"

"Because she gave me grief for not telling her that healing tires me out if I do a lot of it in quick succession, back at the Crossroads, and basically told me to rest more and stuff." Amy sighed. "She was like 'you should have said something and only healed a few people'. Like I can just... tell someone that 'oh, you're not sick enough for me to heal today, I'll get to you tomorrow."

"That does happen when there is a shortage of mages, alchemists or doctors to see to everyone that might be sick. Surely you understand the need to prioritize the sickest or most injured?"

"Yeah, but I can heal almost anything in just a few minutes, at most," Amy explained to Josephine. "And it's not like... I don't 'run out' of healing ability the way a mage can run out of magical reserves or whatever they're called. It's just... exhausting. I feel all... wrung out, afterwards. But I can't just... not heal people when they need my help right there, right where I can get to them."

"I have to do it, when I can. I'm Panacea, the miracle healer." She couldn't hide the sour note in her tone as she said it. "It's what I do. I heal people." And if she stopped, then -

Well, then she was everything Carol obviously always believed Amy was.

And I am, but I have to try to not be. Not that it would ever matter, or ever be enough. But - what else was there?

"That's supposed to be my life. I should be back home, healing people. There's people dying back home because I couldn't get to them. Cancer or heart failure or genetic disorders or - victims of cape attacks or a million and one other things. And the worst part is... I fucking sleep easier here, then back home, because - there's just nothing I can do about it." Amy blinked repeatedly, trying to hold back wetness in her eyes.

"Back home, I just... lie awake, at night, all the people I'm not healing running through my head. Brockton Bay is huge compared to... Haven," she gestured around herself, even though they were inside. "Hundreds of thousands of people. When I couldn't sleep, I went out to the hospital at night, and did more healing." Amy barked an empty, hollow laugh. "But I can't do that here! There's got to be sick people all over the place, but even if it was safe to, I can't just walk there and heal them. It would take days to get anywhere, and instead I need to go to Val Royeaux and do politics. And yet, despite all that, it's easier to sleep here because I just... I can't do anything about it! And I hate that. I hate it so fucking much."

Josephine said nothing for a long moment, then finally she pushed her bowl to the side and laced her fingers together in front of her, hands resting on the desk. "I understand how the circumstances might make it easier to sleep, knowing that even if you didn't sleep there's little you could do, but I... I must admit, I am at a loss to understand why you would hate being able to sleep better."

"Because people who I could help are still dying!" Amy insisted, "What does it say about me that I can just... accept that and sleep easier? What kind of person can just... ignore all that? I'm not back home, and people are dying because I'm not there to heal them, back home! That should be keeping me up at night, and it does but - but not enough apparently?" She was on her feet now. When had she stood up? "What does it say about me that I can sleep easier here, even knowing that being here is leading to people dying! Or even just suffering needlessly when I could fix whatever was wrong with them in a matter of minutes?!" Tears were in Amy's eye now, and she felt sick that she was saying all this, but - she couldn't stop.

She'd been in Thedas for nearly three weeks? Or maybe more? It was hard to tell. Everything started to run together - she didn't even know the local calendar. What month was it? What year?

Whatever it was, in that whole time, she'd missed her sister nonstop, nearly died at least twice - three times, counting that fireball Katerina tackled her over - had to deal with her hand feeling like it was being stabbed every time she closed a rift, got accused of mass murder, became an icon of fucking religious veneration and -

She wanted to go home, she wanted her old bed, and - and TV and electricity and the books she never read and she wanted Dean to be all patronizing and shit and Carol to be disapproving and Mark to mean well but not be able to do anything and she wanted everything to be normal and it wasn't!

And she had to deal with Katerina and her bullshit and it actually seemed like Cassandra cared but it was clearly as much pity and wanting to keep their precious Breach-closer functional and Josephine was nice but how much was that just her being a diplomat and Amy hated how fucking insane everything was and -

She felt frayed, and raw and exposed, like a nerve. She felt like that a lot, but this was so much worse, and now she was ranting and she couldn't stop herself. And couldn't stop herself crying either.

"It's already bad enough that I hate healing. It's bad enough that I wish I didn't have this stupid fucking power, it's bad enough that I - It's bad enough that I used my power like I did on that abomination! I helped kill him! And I used my power to - used my power to hurt him? What kind of monster would use the power I have to hurt people? What kind of person has the ability to save so many lives like I do, and hates it? I save a kid's life and their parents tearfully thanking me just makes me upset and - and now I'm resting easier even though I know people are dying and suffering here and back home and there's nothing I can do about it but that shouldn't be enough to let me sleep well and I broke my rules when I used my power to hurt the abomination!" she was repeating herself, words spilling out of her as an uncontrolled flood. It was every melt down she'd already had here but all at once.

Amy slumped back down into her chair, sagging, sliding down it a bit, wishing she could just melt into the floor. Of all the times to not be able to use my power on myself...

"There's a reason I insisted I wasn't a hero like my family. I'm not." Amy's voice was quiet, small, a whisper, weak. She shouldn't say more, couldn't stop, just...

May as well get it all out there.

"Heroes don't hate saving people. I'm not a good person like they are. Good people - good people don't have the power to save so many lives, like I do, and wish something would happen to take it away. Good people - good people aren't me." Good people didn't - good people didn't love their sister in the gross, disgusting way Amy did. Good people didn't look at their sister kissing her boyfriend and wish she could be in the boyfriend's place.

Somehow she managed to avoid saying that part out loud, but it was true.

Josephine said nothing for a long moment, looking at her. Staring, probably. Judging her. Pitying her, maybe. Realizing just how fucking pathetic Amy was, probably.

"I told you I am in charge of managing the finances and businesses of my family." Josephine finally said. Even as she spoke, she handed Amy a fresh handkerchief, or at least tried to. Amy didn't actually reach out for it, and Josephine set it down on the desk as she kept going on this complete non sequitur. "It is a task made more difficult by the fact that though the Montilyets were once a great trading house with vast fleets, our resources have become quite diminished in recent decades. It is something of an embarrassment, and the task of salvaging our position falls to me. It is... a heavy obligation. In such a situation, every expense we can reduce, and every profit we can increase, is essential to preserving our status and position."

If Amy had had the mental capacity, she might have commented on that, something about god forbid her family be a little less rich, but as it was, Amy could barely muster the energy to think that, let alone say it. She blinked, trying to stem the tears still slipping down her face, though at least she wasn't sobbing for the moment, anymore.

"It is a task, a duty that has taken up much of my focus over the last few years, and will no doubt continue to. Six months ago, I discovered that we were accidentally overcharging a merchant we were doing business with, and had been for some time. I hadn't noticed sooner, no one else working on my family's end of it had, but just as much, neither had the merchant. They had paid what was charged, and seemed not to notice we were asking for 15% more than what we should have. Added up over time, it was quite a sum of money, especially given the Montilyet's financial state." She sighed.

"Most in that situation - assuming they had even a modicum of mercantile ethics - would simply lower the price in the future. The mistake was made, but no reason to lose the money, especially given how dearly we needed it to stave off creditors and see to other expenses. Others might repay the overcharged sum, and leave it at that." Josephine shook her head and let out a small sigh. "But that would not be right - I repaid the merchant as soon as I discovered the issue, at no small cost to our limited reserves of coin on hand, but it is not enough to simply repay the sum - the merchant is a prosperous one, but they too suffered limitations and shortages for our mistake, as they had less coin to hand to see to their own other expenses. I spent weeks arranging favors to repay them properly for our error."

Fuck this is like Katerina trying to 'relate' to me by talking about her fucking cowardice. Amy managed to put the thought together about what Josephine might be doing. The other woman wouldn't just start talking about this for no reason unless she was building up to something. Calling attention to the fact that repaying them was hard, that they 'needed' the money. That she went above and beyond...

It was just like what Katerina tried to do.

But this wasn't the same thing? Katerina was a coward who had seen people doing bad things and did almost nothing. Josephine had discovered she'd done something wrong and fixed and done more.

Not the same thing. Not - fine she did the right thing but that's still nothing - it's just money and it's all rich merchants and cash flow and all that shit.

Amy's breath hitched as she tried to stop herself from crying - she had to look even more awful than usual now, splotchy and - and

"The merchant was more than satisfied with my efforts, quite thankful actually, and invited me to his home to discuss our business relationship going forward. Only when I got there, the merchant was nowhere to be seen." Josephine paused and took a sip of her water. "In his place was Leliana."

Amy blinked. The story she'd been expecting, some sort of... something about how Amy was totally actually a good person just because she healed or whatever, and now - what? The unexpected twist in Josephine's story threw Amy for such a loop that as she blinked at her eyes again, there were no fresh tears. The knot of dread and self-loathing and anxiety was still tight in her chest, her gut, that yawning chasm inside her always threatening to swallow her up still there, but...

Confusion was overlaying everything. What did Leliana have to do with anything?

"We had known each other, been close friends in fact, many years before, when she was a bard at the Imperial Court and I was at University in Val Royeaux, but we'd gone our separate ways some time before meeting again. She was there to offer me a position assisting the Divine in negotiating a peace between the Mages and Templars, and then assisting the Inquisition she would create to ensure that peace was implemented across Thedas, and held."

Amy reached for the handkerchief and wiped at her face - she wasn't crying anymore, somehow, but she could feel the dampness on her cheeks and everywhere else on her face from all the tears.

"The entire affair with the merchant was a test, arranged by Leliana. She believed I was the best fit for the task she had in mind with my temperament and experience, and she trusted me, from our past friendship, but she had to be absolutely sure that I was the right person for the job. That the Ambassador for the Inquisition would have to be someone of 'painful integrity' in her words." Josephine sighed. "I must admit I was a bit annoyed by her indirect approach, but I do understand her desire to be sure."

Leliana is a spy, so stupid roundabout secret tests of character seem like the thing a spy would do. She'd run into characters doing shit like that. But Josephine had done the right thing and more, so she'd passed. But what was the point of Josephine doing this? Or how was it going to tie back to her, since that was the reason Josephine was bringing it up, right?

Josephine set her cup down, "My point is, Amy, that if healing is something you do not like doing, if doing it taxes you as you say it does, then the fact you insist on doing it regardless is the more moral deed."

"A good person would want to help people!" Amy snapped, raising her voice again, angry. Josephine meant well, but she didn't get it.

"And you do," Josephine said simply, unfazed by Amy yelling at her.

"I just said I don't!"

"No. You said you don't enjoy the task of it, and that you wish you didn't have your power, or the obligation you feel comes with it. But no one has forced you to use your power, to volunteer to tax yourself as you have using it. You chose to do it. You wanted to do it." Her tone was simple, and matter of fact, as if she was stating just reality. Amy stared at her, trying to - what was Josephine doing?

"I do it because - because it's the only thing I can do! Because I - I never wanted this power. I never wanted any power. But I have it, and I have to use it and I have to help people."

"Because, at the end of the day, you are a good person, Amy. Wanting to do a thing does not mean you'll enjoy it. Believe me, I do not enjoy all of the tasks a diplomat must perform. But I want to do them, because I want to succeed at my work, and the benefits of doing so are worth it." The way Josephine was talking reminded Amy of Carol, weirdly, the way she laid everything out all matter of factly, building on what was obviously a whole constructed argument. She'd heard Carol practicing some of her court cases, or heard Carol arguing with Aunt Sarah about things, and her adoptive mother would often lay things out, say things... just as facts and with a delivery that Josephine's was reminiscent of...

"But I - that's not - you don't get it!" Amy protested, the words feeling pathetic. How - how could she explain it all? Her biological father, her - her disgusting feelings for her sister. She couldn't -

It was all part of it. It was her. She wasn't a good person. She never had been. Never could be. Her power was monstrous, and every time she had some thought, some errant idea on how she could use it to make terrible things, or do something awful, that was further proof.

"Don't I? Leliana's choice of words - painful integrity - are not the ones I would choose to describe my actions... they are... far too self-aggrandizing, in a false humility sort of way. But there is some truth to them. It was painful, to arrange for those favors, to free up the money to pay the merchant back all at once. But it was the right thing to do, and I would not have been able to live with myself. I wanted to be the kind of person who would do the right thing. That has always been true. And it is true for you. You want to be a good person. You want to be the sort of person who would do the right thing. And you see healing others as right. Which it is. And so you do it."

Josephine wasn't saying it in a supportive, 'I'm here for you', pitying way Cassandra had. She wasn't saying it, like Vicky did, in a voice of love and affection that made Amy feel worse because of the disgusting taint Amy left on everything to do with her sisterly bond with her.

Josephine said it as if it was unquestionable. Water was wet. The sun was hot. Gravity pulled things down. Amy Dallon is a good person.

It's not that simple. It's - It's not... Amy knew it wasn't true. But Josephine didn't know why. And Amy - Amy couldn't tell her. She was alone in this insane, stupid, horrible fucking world, and Josephine was nice to her and Amy -

Amy didn't want to tell her all the reasons the older woman was wrong. All the reasons Amy knew she wasn't a good person. All the reasons she needed her rules.

"It's not that simple," Amy murmured, the protest feeling weak and pathetic, because she couldn't explain it. How could she even start?

"Few things are that simple... and yet, they often are," Josephine pointed out. "Closing the Breach should be simple, and it is. Get the mages or templars to help you close it, the Breach is closed, Thedas is saved. And yet, it isn't. And yet it is." Josephine folded her hands in front of her, resting them on the desk. "You are young, Amy. Given time, I hope you'll understand, but..." she smiled softly, chuckling, "It is not that simple to understand... even though it is."

"I -" Amy started, then she felt her shoulders sag. What could she say? What could she possibly say that would even come close to making Josephine get it? The other woman just... seemed to believe it. She barely knows me! She just knew Amy could heal, would heal -

That I'm putting my life on the line to close the rifts and the Breach. Cassandra had pointed that out too, but - what else could she do?

There was no real point in continuing the conversation. Not right now. She wasn't going to get anywhere, and she needed - she needed time to figure out how to explain it to Josephine. In a way that wouldn't - that wouldn't make Josephine hate her. At least not yet.

It was bad enough being in Thedas. She didn't want to make one of the few people she almost liked talking to hate her. She was alone enough as it was.

"Thank you. For the coffee. And the grinder." Amy finally said, taking both and slipping the metal box and the coffee grinder into her pocket. "I - I should go. I - I don't think I'm going to be up to do more planning about Val Royeaux right now." She'd almost forgotten that this was a break for lunch. Her meal was only half-eaten, still there on the desk, but she wasn't hungry and

"You are quite welcome." Josephine said softly. "I do hope that even if you won't need to make use of my own coffee beans, we might still sit together and talk, over cups, from time to time while you are here, in the future? I am still very curious about your world, and I would like to help you understand Thedas better, for as long as you are here."

After a moment, Amy nodded, "Yeah... that... sure." She swallowed. "In the future. I just - I need to sit down and rest and - I'll - later," Amy didn't really know what to say, so she just... sort of said a few things and turned away, walking out of Josephine's office and out of the Chantry, still stewing on... everything. On what she'd done to the abomination most of all. How to explain it? How can I make her-

As she pushed open the doors, she was greeted by a whole mass of people standing in front of the doors, but for a change, they weren't all staring, as if waiting for her.

There were a bunch of people in armor - Amy recognized the Templar symbol on some of them, and tensed, but they didn't have weapons drawn and -

Cullen is a former Templar, Katerina is - must be other former Templars here too. They were standing on one side. On the other were people in mage robes, like the ones she'd seen on the rebel mages attacking the Crossroads. The loyal mages who'd joined with the Inquisition. Just a handful of them, though there were some other people standing on the other side. Including Katerina.

And arrayed around the whole group were a crowd of onlookers, watching as the mages and templars were arguing.

"...how dare you say that, when it was your kind that killed the Divine!" A templar shouted, to a chorus of agreement from the people behind him and some of the crowd.

"Lies!" The mage shouted back. "Besides, it was Templars like you who failed to keep her safe. Abandoned her and the Chantry!"

"I never abandoned the service of the Chantry and the Maker!" The Templar snarled. "Had your kind not rebelled, none of this would have happened."
"Right, and so they were supposed to just stand there and take it and die, forever, were they, Ser Gilbert?" Katerina said, arms crossed in front of her. In a voice dripping with scorn, Katerina went on. "Is that what a Templar would do? Or would a Templar break their oaths to the Divine the moment they were given an order they didn't like by her?"

"You speak of Oaths when you never even made one, Initiate," Ser Gilbert countered, stepping closer. Katerina did the same, and they were now a few inches apart. "You would have made a poor Templar, siding with mages over-"

"I'll stand with mages over anyone who still wears the Templar sigil." Katerina spat on the ground in front of him. Gross. "I'll side with-"

"Enough!" Amy heard a voice from behind her - Cullen - and he walked past her, moving between Katerina and Gilbert, shoving them both away from each other.

"Knight-Captain!" Gilbert said, sounding like he was about to protest, or something, but Cullen cut him off.

"That is not my title anymore. I am not a Templar, and neither are you. The Order broke with the Chantry, but we did not. These mages also chose not to rebel, because they are as loyal as you are."

Katerina seemed to be about to say something, but then Cullen turned to her. "And you know better than to do this. Antagonizing your brothers in arms is pointless, and dangerous. I'd have thought you learned your lesson after the fifth time you were assigned punishment detail to fill latrine trenches."
Filling latrine trenches? Five times? Amy assumed 'filling latrine trenches' was like, piling dirt on a big ditch that had been a latrine - something resembling a good hygiene practice - and it was just by the name alone, a shitty job. But Katerina had been punished with it five times for 'antagonizing' ex-Templars?

"We are all part of the Inquisition, and you should all act as such!"

Nice sentiment. At least Cullen, even if he had tried to justify the Templars rebelling with 'they felt ill-used', was part of the 'We've got bigger problems' program now. Better than not.

Low bar, but how many people in Thedas had failed to clear that one?

"And what does that mean, exactly?" A familiar voice that Amy hadn't heard since he'd been trying to order guards to put her in chains said, the watching crowd parting to allow Chancellor Roderick, hands clasped behind his back as he approached, a sneer on his face.

Think of the asshole, and he shall appear.

"Back already, Chancellor?" Cullen let out a small scoff. "Haven't you done enough?"

He poisoned the Chantry against us, so yeah, he has. But obviously he didn't agree he had. Because of course not.

"I'm curious, Commander," Roderick began, "How your Inquisition, and your 'Herald' will restore order as you've promised." He gestured to Amy, standing closer to the door, behind Cullen. "Do you have any thoughts on that, Herald?"

"Do I need to just write 'I'm not a Fucking Herald of Anyone' on a piece of paper and tape it to my forehead?" Amy crossed her arms in front of her, glaring at Roderick. Everyone's eyes turned towards her and Cullen, and Amy dropped her arms to her sides and pulled her hood over her face.

"Of course you are," Cullen muttered in response to Roderick's comment.

"You have no answer! Your Inquisition offers false hope on the basis of a false prophet! You're seeking to usurp the Chantry's rightful place in Thedas!" Roderick countered. "I ask again, how do you propose to restore order?"

"Closing the fucking Breach, for a start," Amy muttered. She regretted it immediately - why wasn't she just going back inside, or trying to get away from the crowd or -

"Closing the Breach you say? That would be quite the achievement, and yet, you haven't done it yet! The Inquisition claims you can, and yet-" Amy had to respect the level of sarcasm the Chancellor was bringing to bear, as much as she hated to admit it.

"If you have a better solution for the Breach, I invite you to offer one, Chancellor. In the meantime, back to your duties, all of you," he raised his voice, gesturing to the mages and ex-Templars. "There is nothing to see here."

The ex-Templars hesitated for a moment, then Gilbert let out a wordless, annoyed sound and turned on his heel, stalking away. The mages did the same, and a few others in the crowd did as well, though not everyone went.

"The only way Thedas can be restored to order is if it is done by the Proper Authority," Roderick said firmly, and Amy could hear the capital letters as he said it. "Surely you cannot believe that your upstart organization can bring peace where the Chantry could not?"

"The Chantry was bringing peace, until someone went and murdered the Divine, Chancellor," Katerina pointed out, because of course she hadn't gone 'back to her duties'.

I am her duty, so I guess that tracks.

"And you have not only allowed the chief suspect to roam free, but have claimed she speaks for the Maker!"

"The Inquisition has only claimed that Amy can close the rifts, and the Breach, which she can. What people believe about her is their affair," Cullen said firmly.

"And I'm not a fucking Herald of anyone!" Amy protested. Before Roderick could say anything, Amy kept going. "But right now, I'm going back to my - my cabin, and you can do your little one-man show for an audience that doesn't include me." Amy brushed past Roderick, keeping her hand from touching his - it would have been so easy - to avoid the temptation to give him diarrhea or something unpleasant and nonfatal.

A good person wouldn't even be tempted...

But that bastard made it so hard to not feel the temptation...

Roderick tried to protest, say something, but Amy didn't listen - the remaining onlookers parted for Amy to get past them, and she heard Katerina following behind her.

"The Chancellor is an idiot blowhard, but he's a good idea of what you'll see if you go to Val Royeaux," The redhead said, catching up to walk beside her.

Stupid tall person with their stupid long legs.

"Did Cassandra already tell you we're going?" It would make sense. "And you don't need to talk to me to be my bodyguard." She did not want to be dealing with this... coward. This woman who had put herself ahead of the people she was supposed to protect, put ambitions and dreams ahead of doing the right thing.

"...I was right there when Mother Giselle suggested it." Katerina pointed out. Oh, right. "And no, I don't, and honestly, part of me would love to not talk to judgemental bitch like you, but do you realize how boring standing guard is?

"I'm not here for your entertainment," Amy muttered.

"No, that's just a nice extra benefit," Katerina said with a grin. Then she sighed, "Look, Amy, I meant what I said - you are a judgemental bitch."

"I judge people who deserve it. You do."

"Judging me isn't the problem. I'm judging myself every fucking day of my life. Calling me a coward when you don't even understand the first thing about what I was experiencing is!" Katerina raised her voice, then flushed, looking around to see a few passersby looking at them both. Katerina grabbed Amy's hand and half-dragged her - ignoring Amy's protest and even if Amy was willing to she couldn't do anything to her since Katerina was wearing gloves - the rest of the way to Amy's cabin, opening the door and going in with her, before letting her hand go.

"If you're trying to make me forgive you, you're not helping by dragging me like that!" Amy snapped, crossing her arms in front of her. She could - she could fuse Katerina's tongue to her mouth - not for long, just - just for a few hours.

That would be okay, right?

Well, no, it wouldn't but -

"Why would I want or need your forgiveness, Amy?" Katerina countered, crossing her own arms in front of her, glaring down at her. Amy just glared back at her, head tilted up. "The people that I didn't step in to help - they're the ones who have the right to decide if I deserve forgiveness. You've made it pretty damn clear you don't speak for the Maker, or Andraste, so why, Amy, would I care about your forgiveness?"

Amy tried to ignore the embarrassed flush to her cheeks as she realized the merit of what Katerina was saying. And that she had made the same mistake she had when Katerina had told her about her crimes - of negligence, of inaction: that Katerina wanted Andraste's or the Maker's forgiveness through her.

I guess you hear me say 'I don't speak for the Maker' enough times and it sticks?

"Fine. Point taken." Amy admitted, hating every word of it. "What do you want, then?"

"I want some kind of truce or something," Katerina answered, letting out a small sigh. "I think you're a bitch, you think I'm some kind of moral coward, forever stained by my mistake. Fine. Whatever." She shrugged, "But I'm stuck with you, and you're stuck with me. So - truce? We don't have to like each other, but can we at least pretend to get along?" She held out a hand, asking Amy to shake it wordlessly.

Amy glared at the hand, and debated the offer.

She was stuck with Katerina, that much was true. Maybe she could complain to Cassandra, but Cassandra might not care. The older woman's primary concerns in assigning Katerina as bodyguard were probably trustworthiness for the job and skill Katerina was observably good with her massive sword, and at least in terms of standing between Amy and anyone trying to hurt her, or keeping people back, Katerina seemed to be worthy of Katerina's trust.

She certainly seemed willing to die to stop the abomination.

And as far as other possible bodyguards went, Amy was sure she could do worse. So much worse. Ser Gilbert, for instance. Or some other soldier, one who saw Amy as sent by the Maker and wouldn't believe her or care when she insisted otherwise.

A bodyguard that considered Amy to be a 'judgemental bitch' was better than one that called her 'Herald' and and looked at her with awe or reverence.

Besides, 'judgemental bitch' wasn't inaccurate anyway.

Arms still crossed, Amy weighed her options, given the reality of being stuck with Katerina. Would it be so bad to have a civil conversation? Amy was capable of not being a bitch to people she didn't like, she just didn't usually care enough to try. But with someone she really was stuck with... it would probably be better to have some sort of truce.

And while Katerina was a pathetic moral coward, it wasn't like she'd actually hurt any mages directly. That didn't give her a pass, not even close, but it was different then a truce with someone like that 'Ser Jethan'.

"What exactly do you mean by 'truce'?" Even as she said it, Amy's shoulders sagged, suddenly feeling exhaustion set in. The encounter with Roderick being an asshole had momentarily staved it off, substituting annoyance for the drained, wrung out feeling she'd had after leaving Josephine's office. Katerina dragging her here and opening with an insult - even an accurate one - had only fed that annoyance.

But Amy couldn't stave it off for long. Trying to explain to Josephine why she wasn't a good person - and failing - had taken a lot out of her and...

Honestly, arguing with Katerina about anything right now just seemed, somewhat suddenly, to be too damn much work. Amy sat down on the bed, looking at the floor rather than Katerina, her hands in her lap, exhaling slowly.

"Trying to have mostly civil conversations, and... maybe - maybe - talking more about stories? We both like reading - or at least, you used to like it. Thedosian stories, and ones from your home." Katerina put on an almost charming, rueful grin and rubbed the back of her head. "I'm pretty curious about that Lord of the Rings story you mentioned, and those Roaraxia stories you just talked a little about sound really interesting too."

Right. This is just because she doesn't want to be bored.

Amy had enjoyed talking about Roaraxia though...

"Yeah, sure... that - maybe we can do that. Truce." Amy shook Katerina's hand this time when she offered it again. She could handle being mostly civil to her face, and she could decide if she wanted to talk to her about stories later. Right now, she wanted to lie down and sleep and think about Vicky.

"Glad to hear it." Katerina's smile was smaller, but less rueful, more... genuine. "But I'll let you rest right now. You sound tired." Katerina stepped out of the cabin, closing the door behind her.

Amy got off the bed long enough to strip off her robes, and then her armor and flopped facedown onto the bed, before rolling onto her side.

Josephine was wrong. She was wrong.

She had to be.

She had to be.

---

The next day, after a surprisingly restful and nightmare free sleep, Amy stumbled out of bed after someone brought in breakfast, which turned out to be some kind of savory oatmeal-like thing, flavored with garlic and onions.

They really like both of those here. But Amy guessed that a lot of the seasonings she knew - like sugar, fuck, she missed sugar - were just not a thing in Thedas, or at least, not in some tiny town in the mountains of Ferelden.

But, tired of garlic and onions or not, food was good, and she'd woken up hungry, having skipped dinner in her rush to lay down and just... block out the world after her lunch with Josephine.

She finished the food, and washed up with a bucket of cold water. She would have made coffee using the fireplace in her cabin, but she had no kettle, so she couldn't put her new grinder and supply of coffee beans to any use, yet.

She also washed her hair, just with water. They didn't really have shampoo or conditioner or even close here. Asking Josephine before leaving for Haven had revealed that washing your hair 'with' something wasn't actually that common. Even washing hair wasn't common - done, yes, but not even close to as often as Amy was used to. Haircare was important, and Josephine had an extensive haircare routine, but a lot of it involved brushing extensively twice a day and having your hair in various stylings that made it less likely to get especially dirty.

The stuff they did have to clean hair was pretty harsh, though they also had some perfumed oils and the like to make hair smell nicer.

All in all, Amy was missing the three-in-one shampoo-conditioner-body wash she used back home.

So Amy was left using a brush and a fine toothed comb on her hair after getting water in it, and cursing at her tangles, and the brittleness was getting worse and -

Maybe I should just cut it all off. She didn't really care about her hair anyway, she'd only ever kept it long because Vicky had said she liked Amy's hair and how 'fuzzy' it looked once, and -

And Vicky wasn't here. And by the time she got home, her hair would have probably regrown anyway and -

But the hair's what I have of her, in that. Something she liked, something that's...

Amy picked up her long-dead phone. She hadn't actually gotten around to trying to charge the battery with the sun, forgetting a lot or just not wanting to do it, or...

She popped the case open and set the battery out on the table, where it should be able to catch some sun, and she hoped it did work. It would be nice to see pictures of Vicky again.

Giving up on her hair halfway through, Amy dressed, putting on her armor because she knew Cassandra would demand she wear it when they did more jogging, and then put on her robes.

She liked the hood, and the fact that she could sorta hide within the robes, and... it was easier to just... hide behind Panacea when she was wearing them.

Thedas had somehow done the impossible and almost made her think being 'Panacea' rather than Amy Dallon wasn't stupid. Almost.

Still better than Herald.
To pass the time, she tried reading some more of Brother Genitivi's book, reading the section on Elfroot, and then others on other herbs and plants used in medicine. They weren't as extensive as the entries in that 'Extracts from the Botanical Compendium for the Healing Arts', but they gave her something.

As far as she could tell, none of the other medicinal plants were quite as bullshit as elfroot was, in terms of ease of being turned into something that could heal, or the full range of what they could do. They were still bullshit since as far as she could tell they'd work just as well on elves as humans - (and dwarves, but they were biologically close enough to humans that that almost made sense. Though Amy was sure there probably were differences that Genitivi's book didn't discuss) but Amy was pretty sure that whatever magic was apparently responsible for elven biology probably made sure it like... functioned right with everything else.

I really need to get a real 'look' at elfroot. And maybe look into Alchemy. There was an alchemist here in Haven, right? And maybe she could touch someone who was being healed by magic or drinking a potion and see how it went?

But that would mean not healing someone who needs it and - I can't do that for -

Experiments didn't trump people who were suffering and hurting that she could help.

So... not really an option.

As Amy sat with that realization, Cassandra arrived and as predicted, off they went to jog. Amy hated every second of the lap around the village, but drew up short as they finished it and Cassandra held up a hand.

"We'll stop with this for now."

Amy sucked in air, legs sore from even the one lap. Less than that first time, maybe, but still, sore. She leaned against the wooden wall surrounding Haven.

"Not that I'm complaining, but why are we stopping so soon?" She accepted a waterskin from Cassandra and took a sip, swishing the water around her mouth first and then handed the skin back to Cassandra and swallowed.

"I have something else in mind." Cassandra 'answered' ominously. She gestured for Amy to follow her and they went over to the training ground, where Cullen was barking orders at what Amy assumed were new recruits, running them through some sort of spear drills. Cassandra led her over to a row of wood and straw training dummies, some of whom 'wore' armor - leather on some, well beaten and dented steel on a few.

There was a rack of weapons just inside a small tent. Blinking, Amy watched, confused, as Cassandra produced a long wooden staff - though it was entirely plain and undecorated, no weird shapes at the top or whatever, unlike the handful of mages staffs Amy had seen so far.

It did have a series of thin metal bands wrapped around either end of it.

"Here," Cassandra lightly tossed the staff at Amy, and Amy just stood there, staring at Cassandra as it hit the ground at her feet.

"What the hell?" Amy looked down at the staff, then back to Cassandra. "I said I don't fight! You seemed pretty okay with that? It's why I'm stuck with Katerina all the time!"

"Even if you were willing to fight, given your lack of experience, you'd need a bodyguard. And, unfortunately, battlefields are a dangerous place, and twice now, you have been at great risk, despite our best efforts." Cassandra pointed out. "Normally, I would simply say you should be kept from danger, or allowed to take your own risks, but you are too important for those chances. Given that you are reluctant to use your power in your defense-"
"For damn good reasons!" Amy snapped, interrupting. "I have rules-" Before she could go any farther, Cassandra raised her voice and interrupted Amy in turn.

"I am not arguing with you about these 'rules' you speak of, nor even asking you to explain them." Cassandra closed the distance between them and crouched down, picking up the staff, standing back up, and half-forcing it into Amy's hand. "But your lack of desire to use your power in your defense does put you at even more risk. Even if you weren't so reluctant, it may not be enough. Had the abomination been less interested in grandstanding, it might have killed you."

Amy shrank in on herself and her hand tightened around the staff involuntarily, knowing how true it was.

Cassandra sighed, "Granted, grandstanding is not uncommon among blood mages, but we can't count on only blood mages and others of a similar bent to be the only ones to try to kill you."

"Oh fucking joy, let's list off all the people who want me dead. And I was having such a good day," Amy didn't care that she was being an ass now, because really, the last thing she wanted to think about was people wanting to kill her. She dropped the staff, but standing as close as she was, Cassandra caught it before it could hit the ground.

"I am not a fighter," Amy said, insistent.

"This much is obvious," Cassandra replied, and Amy flushed a little. Why do I care? I know I'm not!

"I don't want to fight."

"Also already established." Cassandra nodded, "But I'm not sure that this is a luxury you have anymore." Cassandra tried to hand her back the staff, but Amy refused.

"I'm not doing this! I don't want to fight. I won't fight!"

"I am not asking you to take the front line against demons before rifts are closed. I'm not even proposing you come along with us when I or others are dealing with other threats to clear the way to rifts, even in the back line. But, if something happens, it's better to have the option."

"I'm Panacea. I'm a healer. I don't hurt people." It was bad enough she'd had to be so close to fighting. That she had to wear this armor. That she'd broken her rules with the abomination. "The only good thing about this stupid, awful power I never asked for is that I was never expected to get into fights."

"I never wanted to fight. I never wanted powers. God, you guys would be so much better off if Victoria had been the one to get sent here."

Amy couldn't imagine she'd be better off though, thinking Victoria was dead at the 'hands' of a Bakuda bomb. Prospects raised themselves, about how she'd (completely fail to) handle it, how she'd respond but she refused to think about them, to follow that train of thought, doing her best to focus on the matter at hand.

"So you say," Cassandra replied noncommittally. "But you are here, not her. You do not want to fight, and such... peaceful intent is admirable, in a way, but Thedas is not a place that looks kindly on those with no means to defend themselves. Especially not a young woman in your position." She stepped back and lifted the staff up. "There is a reason I propose a staff, as opposed to other weapons."

"Because everyone keeps calling me a mage?" Might as well play to form. She wore robes - not that her robes looked anything like what she'd seen mages wear, but who cared about that? -

"The number of mages who use their staffs as weapons to hit their opponent is actually quite rare. When mages are skilled in the art of combat, they are more likely to make use of a sword, spear, bow, or other more lethal weapon." Cassandra answered. She stepped back further and swung the staff around in a small arc in front of her - despite the distance between them now, Amy instinctively stepped back, away from the staff...

"The primary advantages of a staff as a weapon are its simplicity of use, its limited lethality compared to a blade, and the range at which one can keep opponents at bay." Cassandra explained. She held the staff straight up, resting one end on the ground. "You are not a fighter. Using a staff well requires skill. But it is much harder to hurt yourself with a staff than with a blade, if you lack skill."

"I lack skill because I'm not a fighter, and that's not going to change!" Amy dug in on her position, glaring at Cassandra. "I. Do. Not. Fight."

Cassandra made another one of those scoff/snarl noises of disgust that Amy had heard from her many times before, and she closed the distance between herself and Amy again. "You do now, Amy," Cassandra said bluntly. "Whether you like it or not, your life will regularly be in danger for the rest of your time in Thedas, and I will not allow you to continue to be utterly helpless. It is up to you if you actually use the staff to defend yourself, but," she grabbed Amy's arm with one gloved hand, using the other to pry her fingers apart, and then shoved the staff into her hand, closing the fingers around it.

Amy let out a yelp as she was manhandled, but Cassandra didn't seem to care, and short of grabbing Cassandra's neck and doing something to her, Amy didn't exactly have a lot of options.

Cassandra stepped back to the tent and pulled another staff from it, though this one didn't have the bands of metal around either end.

"You can use it to defend yourself, or you can take the hits. You will need a potion either way by the time we're done for today, the question is: How badly will you need it?"

Cassandra held the staff in both hands and then swung the lower end of her staff, in a sort of 'underhanded' move and it rapped against Amy's shin. Amy yelped again, the pain ringing up her leg. It wasn't that bad, thanks to the armor on her legs but it still hurt! She jumped back a little, lifting her left leg up and shaking it a moment, wincing still.

"What the fuck?!"

"A staff can kill your opponent, if you hit them hard enough in the right places, but a blow to the extremities, or a lighter blow to the torso, is exceedingly unlikely to kill your enemy, without significant strength behind it." Cassandra said, as if Amy hadn't said anything. She stepped forward and swung the staff around, swinging down towards Amy's arm - Amy tried to step back, but this time she stumbled and landed on her ass. Cassandra didn't let up as Amy tried to scramble to her feet, one hand still holding onto the staff Cassandra had given her.

"What the fuck are you doing?" Amy demanded again. Cassandra's staff blow hit Amy's arm and the pain of the strike reverberated up her arm, eliciting another yelp from Amy.

"Most people prefer to avoid getting hit in the first place, and a staff's length can keep your enemy at bay. Or, if they lose their footing in the process, put them at your mercy." Cassandra extended a hand to help Amy up, and after a long glare at it, Amy accepted the hand, standing up.

"As I said," Cassandra noted, "It is your choice if you defend yourself or not, but trust me - others who fight you will not give you the same luxury of minimal force."

"That's minimal?"

"Compared to what I could do, yes." Cassandra said simply. She stepped back again, raising the staff.

She's insane. She's lost it. She - why is she - what is she -

"You have a weapon. Even if you do not wish to strike back, you can defend yourself. Or, I can hit you again. You have choices. Pick one."

"I'm not -" Amy started to protest, and then Cassandra's staff hit her right shin. Amy yelped again, stumbling, catching herself with the staff in her hand. "Stop hitting me!"

"Make an effort to stop me."

---

Author's Note: Another early posting, another time I'm ahead of the game. Expect another update two weeks from now, as per normal. That next update will be a pair of Interludes, one from Cassandra and one from Josephine. They're short enough, even together, that I didn't feel like it was fair to space them out separately. There will be more interludes down the line, but when is up in the air, as I'm still deciding on those details. At a minimum, I am committed to a Cullen Interlude, a Katerina Interlude and a Solas Interlude before the end of 'Book 1' (which ends at the end of 'Act 1' of the Game itself - DAI doesn't have formal acts, but it does narratively break up into three specific parts pretty well.) The Solas Interlude will be close to the end of Book 1, but I'm not sure about the Cullen or Katerina ones, or if I'll give Interludes to Varric or anyone else.

 

[quasit17]

"I never abandoned the service of the Chantry and the Maker!" The Templar snarled. "Had your kind not rebelled, none of this would have happened."
"Right, and so they were supposed to just stand there and take it and die, forever, were they, Ser Gilbert?"

Click to shrink...

Missing a paragraph break.

 

[Kylia Quilor]

Author's Note: The first interlude.

In general, most interludes will, generally, pick up from wherever the last scene of the last Amy POV chapter happened, and move things forward from there. But sometimes, since I'm already doing an Interlude anyway, I will take the opportunity to go back and cover something that already happened that Amy either was not physically present for, or that, even though Amy was there, another character's perspective on the scene in question is useful for the story. We don't backtrack like that often, however.

Also, Cassandra refers to the events of 'Dawn of the Seeker' in this fic. It is not required to understand the chapter - just a reference - but it is good and I do recommend it for fans of Dragon Age, though it definitely has some weird 'that's not how Thedas works' details kicking around in the movie. The movie is the events of the incident where Cassandra fought two dragons that were being used as a weapon to kill then Divine Beatrix (Justinia's predecessor) that was alluded to several chapters back, and how Cassandra came to be known as a 'Hero of Orlais' and 'Right Hand of the Divine'.

---

Slipping her blade past the guard of her opponent's shield, Cassandra drove it unto her opponent's armpit, his armor offering no protection there, and it sank into flesh. She pulled the blade out quickly and stepped back, avoiding a frantic, wild swing as the renegade Templar flailed. She caught another such blow with her own shield, and swung with her blade, aiming not for his torso again, but for his sword-hand - her blade connected with the gauntlet in a downward slash, and he dropped his sword under the jarring force of the blow.

It was a simple matter to dispatch him after that, and as she pulled her blade back, Cassandra looked around for any more enemies - there was only one left, she saw, an archer, making no move to surrender, firing another arrow - it sailed past her and hit the arm of one of her soldiers, but then a shard of ice connected with his shoulder, and a crossbow bolt sprouted from his back - Solas and Varric having combined their efforts to take down the last foe.

"Did Kirkwall have higher standards, or were these templars weirdly easy to kill?" Varric asked, collapsing his crossbow and slinging it over his back.

Cassandra sighed, understanding Varric's point, a fact she hated to admit. The insufferable dwarf had a bad habit of making correct observations about many things.

"Without access to legitimate supplies of Lyrium through the Chantry, it is likely many of them were suffering withdrawal, or using less pure or less refined Lyrium." Cassandra surmised. She raised her voice to give orders to the soldiers and scouts with her, "See to your own injuries with potions, or seek the aid of Solas if you require magical healing. Then check our fallen enemies. If any live, ensure they remain so if possible."

Fort Connor - named by the late Arl Eamon for his father, had once been a formidable structure defending the Hinterlands. During the fifth blight, Darkspawn emissaries had used their magic to break the defenses, and neither Eamon, nor his younger brother and successor, Teagan, had repaired the structure. Even in its current state, it was a solid foundation, and had the rogue Templars here had just a few more soldiers, or better discipline, then digging them out would have been a much harder proposition.

Arl Eamon boasted nothing short of magic could break its walls, and the Templars are fighting mages, so they likely knew this would not be worth concentrating forces in.

But its commanding position on the main road through the Hinterlands still meant it was worthwhile for them to place forces at. However, it was obviously not their main base. Finding out where that was would be made far easier if there were any survivors.

Following her own commands, Cassandra checked the fallen. Unfortunately, each one she found was dead. Over each body, she murmured a prayer for their souls. Each one of these renegades had crossed far too many lines, but most were still sincere - even if utterly misguided - in their desire to act as they believed the Maker wished them too.

She could respect that sincerity, even if it had not, and would not stay her hand.

She was done with the fifth one, still none alive - she hadn't ordered her soldiers to pull their blows, knowing the danger inherent in that - when she heard Varric's raised voice from further in the fortress.

"Seeker, we have a problem. A big one." Cassandra finished her prayer over a young man who couldn't have been much more than an Initiate when the rebellion broke out and then stood, walking further into the grand hall of the structure - and she pulled up short as she saw what had caught Varric's attention.

Growing out of the back wall of the grand hall of the Fort, like a tumorous growth, was lyrium. Red Lyrium.

"Hold back," Cassandra ordered to the soldiers and scouts of the Inquisition, raising her hand. "Do not get too close." From everything her investigation into Meredith in the aftermath of Kirkwall had been able to determine, simply being near Red Lyrium for a short time was largely harmless - it took prolonged exposure for it to affect someone's mind, as it had for Meredith, or Varric's brother Bartrand.

But it was not a risk she would willingly expose any of her people to.

"What the fuck is this shit doing here?" Varric demanded. "Meredith's body is still in Kirkwall, and there's no excuse like whatever happened at the Temple to explain this. Chuckles, any theories?"

"None," Solas admitted. "All I know of Red Lyrium is what you have told me of it. I still don't know if my theory about how it came to be at the Temple is even correct."

"It looks like it grew out of the wall." Varric murmured. "It sounds like Lyrium alright, but wrong, like that damned idol." Dwarves were said to be able to hear the 'song' of Lyrium, which is how their miners could find it deep underground. "Seeker, we need to make sure nobody else comes close."

"We don't have the forces to leave any here to protect this location, not while there are still renegade Templars and rebel mages attacking the refugees," Cassandra countered. "We can leave a banner here, warning those who might approach, but..." She shook her head.

"You did hear me tell you what Red Lyrium could do, right? Make shit fly, animate statues, be all make a place all haunted and shit. We can't just let anyone get to this." He looked back towards the fallen Templars behind them. "These ones already did."

"...you think they were using Red Lyrium to replace the Lyrium they lack." Cassandra did not like the thought of that. Meredith had not ingested red Lyrium, but if these Templars had...

"I have no idea. Andraste's tits, I hope not, but..." Varric shook his head. "It's one thing to keep Meredith's statue or whatever she is now under guard, but if there's Red Lyrium here of all places? How the fuck did it get here?" he asked the question again, staring helpless. "I'd say there's no way, but... After I found out what that damned idol did to Bartrand, I put a lot of money into finding out if anyone else had ever run into this red shit, and no one had. So this has to be new."

"Red Lyrium at the temple, Red Lyrium here." Solas observed calmly. "One would assume there is some sort of link between the presence of this substance at both locations."

"Yeah, but again, how? Rocks aren't crops. You don't plant iron somewhere and expect to be able to mine a whole bunch of it. Lyrium doesn't grow, so how does this?"

"Lady Cassandra!" One of the soldiers called towards her, and Cassandra turned, seeing him hold up a piece of parchment. "Found this on one of the bodies. It says the Templars have a base somewhere along the banks of the river to the west."

"Don't get anywhere nearer to that. I will ask Leliana and Josephine to put devote resources to seeking more information on this. There must be some sort of connection, as you say, Solas." Then she moved towards the soldier, taking the parchment and reading it. It did say as the soldier had said it did - it gave no precise location, but it was an exhortation for Templars to defy Lord Seeker Lucius's command to withdraw and continue the fight against the mages until none were left standing.

As she read the note, she heard Varric and Solas continue to speak:

"Red Lyrium at the Temple, Red Lyrium here with renegade Templars - sounds to me like the Templars - or at least these ones that didn't stand down - might have been behind the explosion." Varric pointed out. An even more troubling thought, Cassandra considered, and a thin thread to hang blame upon, but... possible.

"I can't imagine any way Templars could have Conjured the necessary power to do whatever happened to destroy the Conclave, and open the Breach," Solas disagreed. "If that is what caused the Lyrium underneath the Temple of Sacred Ashes to turn red, then the same sorts of magics would need to have been performed here."

Templar abilities were not magic, and neither what they could do with Lyrium, nor what Seekers could do through the force of their Faith could come even close to the force of what had destroyed the Conclave.

But... once before, hardline elements in the Templars and the Chantry had found a common cause - murder of the Divine - with blood mages. Both had been merely using the other - Frenic had admitted as much before giving himself over to become an abomination, and Cassandra did not doubt that Knight Commander Martel and Grand Cleric Callista had plans for eliminating Frenic once they seized power. He knew too much to be left alive.

Could something of the sort happened again? Templars, like these ones, that had opposed the idea of peace, working with mages that believed the same? With an active war going on between the two sides before the calling of the Conclave, it seemed absurd, and yet, it had happened before.

It is the most likely explanation for what happened at the Conclave, but I cannot say there is any evidence to support it. Having blamed Amy without evidence and nearly costing all of Thedas the one person who could close the Breach, Cassandra was not prepared to leap to conclusions regarding the identity of those behind the Breach.

Cassandra handed the parchment back to the soldier. "Gather the men and prepare to head out. We should finish securing this part of the West Road before we consider moving on towards the river." She turned back towards Varric and Solas. "As soon as the Crossroads is secure, and we have the forces to space, I shall assign some men to secure this Red Lyrium. Hopefully, some means of... destroying it might be discovered."

"That would be nice, but if it were that easy, I would have figured it out already," Varric sighed. He took one last grim look at the Red Lyrium, then turned away. "I'm going to regret just leaving this here, I know it."

"There's little else we can do." Cassandra reminded him. "We have to finish securing this part of the Hinterlands to clear a path to the rifts for Amy, and to make it safe for the refugees at the Crossroads. Once those are dealt with, it will be easier to spare men to protect the fortress."

"And in the meantime, people could just walk up and touch that shit. Can't you at least have your men pile some of this rubble in front of the door? Make it harder?"

Cassandra frowned. A reasonable suggestion from Varric.

She hated it when he had those.

But it was a good idea. Nodding to him, she gestured to her forces, "Once we leave the structure, gather rubble to pile up in front of this door. It will not do to leave this..." she looked back to the Red Lyrium growth, "there, easily accessible."

---

"Make an effort to stop me."

Cassandra did not, as a rule, attack people who could not fight back. There were times, when her anger got the better of her, to her regret, but generally speaking, she only ever fought those who could, who did fight back.

Seekers were not sent to deal with noncombatant apostates.

It brought her no pleasure to attack Amy with the staff, but she could think of no better option for getting the girl to actually be willing to defend herself.

Cassandra brought the staff back around and swung it towards Amy, intending to hit her on the side - lightly, but enough to make the point.

She does not wish to fight, and would that that was possible, but it is not.

Amy didn't raise up her own staff to block the attack, despite Cassandra moving slowly and making it obvious what she was doing, but at least the girl tried to evade the attack, and this time managed to step out of the way in time - Cassandra pulled the swing short and brought her staff back, resting one end on the ground again.

"Why are you doing this!?" Amy demanded, raising her voice.

"Because you are quite stubborn, and it does not seem likely words will convince you that you need to learn to defend yourself." Cassandra explained, bluntly. "I am not attacking you because I enjoy it, Amy. I don't want to hurt you."

"And I don't want to hurt anyone! I'm not a fighter!"

"I'm not asking you to attack me, I'm asking you to try and block, Amy!" Cassandra snapped back, then she lowered her voice, trying to be more calm: "Amy, battle is a dangerous place, and no matter how much I might wish it, I cannot guarantee, Katerina cannot guarantee, no one can guarantee you will always be safe when a fight happens that you are near to." Cassandra shook her head, stepping forward again, putting her empty hand on Amy's shoulder. Amy shrugged it off, and Cassandra let her arm hang by her side.

"And your solution is to just - attack me?! How does that make sense!"

"You have a means of defending yourself. You can use it, or you can be hurt." Cassandra explained. "I could hardly be making it any easier for you to raise your own staff in your defense." Cassandra stepped back and raised the staff again.

"Is this how they taught you to fight with a sword? Hit you with a wooden one until you fought back?"

"Not exactly. I was quite motivated to learn how to fight - when I was sent to join the Seekers, I was far more interested in the martial side of my education than the religious, even though that is what was emphasized, at the beginning." Cassandra explained. Her blood had boiled with a need for revenge, every day, when she'd first joined. She'd wanted only to learn to fight so she could hurt those who had killed her brother Anthony.

Byron had been correct, of course, to focus her on the teachings of Andraste, the doctrine of the Seekers, rather than the blade, at first. A Seeker was more than a weapon, more than a killer of blood mages and rogue templars. They served the Divine, the Maker, as instruments of Truth, of justice.

One could not serve justice merely with a blade. It was an important, inseparable part, but not the only one.

"We did train with wooden swords at first, yes, that is merely good sense. Then blunted blades, and finally real ones."

"Because training with live blades makes perfect sense," Amy muttered. "God, I'm so glad no one does that back home or I'd have so many people with like - missing fingers or hands whatever to have to heal."

Amy's phrase - 'live blades' was a strange one, though Cassandra could grasp what she meant. It was another one of those oddities in the way the girl spoke - turns of phrase, whole conceptions of the language that betrayed how... strange she really was.

"If you suffer an injury of that sort when training with a blade, then you were not ready for it, and likely not wearing proper armor," Cassandra explained. "As I said, it is harder to hurt yourself with a staff, than a blade."

"Still hurts when you hit me!" Amy protested. "I don't -" Amy started, perhaps about to repeat her 'I don't fight' protest yet again, but then her shoulders sagged and she let out a long breath. "I don't want to fight," her voice was quiet, plaintive. "I never wanted to fight. I never wanted powers. I never wanted any of this." She gestured at herself, "Let alone any of this." She gestured around her.

Cassandra put her hand on Amy's shoulder again, and this time Amy didn't shrug it off.

Amy was a confusing, infuriating child. She was, whatever her protestations, marked by the Maker in some form - all happened within his sight, and Cassandra could not believe that her arrival and survival in the explosion was not providential. And yet, she was not the sort of girl Cassandra would have ever imagined might be marked by the Maker. She was a cynical, bitter, angry child, a believer in little else but some internal moral code that Cassandra still had trouble grasping the details of.

At her core, her morals were correct, of course. Risking your life to save the lives of others, healing others with no regard for oneself, an aversion to harming people - they were of course all good principles to base action on. Amy did not know the word of Andraste, of the Maker, but she was good.

But the details? The Circles and the Templars as they had existed before the rebellion were a mistake - Cassandra had had her concerns, her misgivings, once she'd let go of her hatred for all mages - once Regalyan had opened her eyes - but Amy had a hatred for the idea of the Circles that Cassandra did not quite understand.

Regalyan. Cassandra pushed the thought of him to the side, for the moment. Merely thinking of him did not bring her to tears, but the wound of his death was still fresh, and there was still too much to do, too much that needed to be done, to let her focus on her grief for all that had been lost.

She could grieve when the Breach was closed, when those responsible for it were punished. She would grieve, for Regalyan, for Justinia, for all who had perished.

Going as much by her lack of statement as anything else, Amy seemed to see nothing wrong with inflicting harm on, or even killing, those who deserved it - those who hurt innocents, such as the rebel mages and renegade templars who had attacked the Crossroads. But the idea of using her impossible power even to hurt someone was beyond the pale and had reduced Amy to the sort of breakdown Cassandra had only seen a few times in her life. And Amy was stubborn beyond all belief in her refusal to take up any arms in her defense.

Cassandra didn't understand either of those - an aversion to fighting, Cassandra understood, even if she didn't share it. It would be easier to understand if Amy was a coward, but the girl was manifestly not that.

"You are utterly impossible," Cassandra finally said, lifting the staff and poking Amy's arm with it, enough force to make the girl yelp, but not enough to do real harm. "You are many things, but you are not a coward."

"You shouldn't be so sure of that," Amy muttered.

"You don't hesitate to draw close to danger when it is the right thing to do." Cassandra countered. "Katerina told you to stay inside when that apostate began throwing fireballs into the village, and you immediately ran out to start healing people."

"Because I could help them and I couldn't just stand there and not help!"

"A coward wouldn't be so cavalier with their life." Cassandra poked Amy again, in the side this time.

"Stop that!"

"Again, make me," This entire affair felt intensely juvenile, but Amy was barely more than a child, so perhaps that might actually get through to her. Cassandra poked her thigh with her staff.

"You are not a coward," Cassandra said again, "and so your utter unwillingness to raise a weapon in your defense is baffling. Josephine would far rather use words to resolve all problems, but she would raise a blade in her own defense if she absolutely had to." According to Leliana, anyway, Josephine was not unskilled with a rapier - no expert, but she was not foolish enough to be entirely unprepared for a fight. Leliana had hinted Josephine might have been a bard, in the Orlesian tradition, in her youth, but Cassandra hadn't pressed on the issue.

"You do not object to violence in all forms, as some do."

"God no. Some people fucking deserve to be beaten to a pulp." Amy confirmed. "But I'm not a fighter. I'm a healer."

"Back in your home, that might have been enough to protect you." Cassandra poked Amy in the chest, then the stomach in rapid succession - her armor meant it wouldn't really do more than be noticeable, and annoying. "It is not enough here."

Cassandra moved to poke Amy in her other arm, but this time, when she thrust forward with the staff, Amy finally moved - her movements were slow, somewhat jerky and absolutely obvious, but she did raise her staff and use it to knock Cassandra's away so it wouldn't connect with her.

"I said stop poking me!" Amy was nearly yelling. "Fuck! Fine, if it will get you to stop hitting me with that thing, I'll try to block you, but I'm not fighting actual fights and I'm not agreeing to anything more than stopping you from trying to hit me!"

Cassandra raised an eyebrow, curious if Amy would keep it up, and swung her staff downwards to hit Amy's shin again - Amy, again with a far too obvious swing, blocked the attack once more.

"I don't want you to fight unless you must. Such as to stop someone from hitting you." Cassandra insisted.

Amy looked down at the ground, shrinking in on herself a little - she was prone to that, extremes of anger followed by seeming as though she was falling into despair. But at least Amy again blocked Cassandra when Cassandra tried to poke her again in the stomach.

"I mean it. I'm not - I'm not agreeing to anything. I'm just - Stop that!" Amy cut herself off as Cassandra swung again, and Amy only barely managed to block her.

"As I keep saying, make me." Cassandra truly couldn't believe she was saying it like this, but...

It seemed to be working.

Cassandra spent the next hour arguing in circles with Amy about her unwillingness to fight even in her own defense, while mostly getting blocked in her attacks by the girl. Cassandra feinted a few times, trying to make Amy develop some sense of battlefield awareness, or at least start that process, but mostly she just wanted to make sure Amy kept blocking.

The arguments were frustrating, but attacking her and seeing Amy act in her own defense, even under protest, at least mitigated that somewhat.

 

[Kylia Quilor]

Author's Note: Short, but sets up some stuff up for down the line.

Cassandra is a pretty easy character to get into the head of, for me. Josephine? Not so sure. So all thoughts or critique on how I handled her voice and inner monologue are welcome.

---

"There is something very wrong with that girl. I'm worried about her." Josephine said, setting her cup back on its saucer, looking across her desk at Leliana. She rarely had the chance to catch up with her old friend, there was simply too much to do, and that wasn't even what they were doing. The lunch they were sharing was a working one, trying to keep abreast of what the other was doing and the seemingly endless struggle to keep the Inquisition going.

"Somehow, I suspect your concerns about Amy are not the ones I have, Josie," Leliana said with a small chuckle, setting her own tea down. "What worries you about her?"

"Everything! To begin with, it seems as though she's convinced she's some horrible person for reasons I can't even begin to grasp, she nearly fell to pieces just because I tried to assure she wasn't." And that really was just the beginning. She had only been able to spend so much time with Amy, and that was largely due to the offer of coffee - Amy's fondness for the drink outstripped almost anyone Josephine knew, frankly - but what little she had been able to pick up was quite troubling.

It was guesswork, but Josephine was fairly certain Amy was quite a lonely girl back in her home - she'd spoken only of spending time with her sister, or healing, or her schooling, nothing of any friends, or really any sort of social life. Her obvious preference for holing up in her cabin only reinforced that theory. In principle, Josephine knew there were people who preferred to be alone most of the time, but then, they weren't quite so emotionally fragile as Amy quite obviously was.

She bounced from extremes of anger to despair quite rapidly, and directed both at herself with great intensity.

"We know very little about her." Leliana pointed out. "Perhaps she has done something she's ashamed of, something she feels a need to atone for." The hard edge that often accompanied Leliana's voice these days was a bit softer there - Josephine did not know all of Leliana's past as a bard, but she knew some details, of Marjoline, of how Leliana came to be a lay sister of the Chantry in the first place.

Josephine's own mind went back to that young man, the struggle, him falling down the stairs, recognizing him. She still wondered what sort of person he'd have grown up to be, if only she'd used her words, rather than force.

"I suppose that is possible, but her guilt seemed far less... founded, from her tone." Josephine wasn't sure how much she wanted to, or could, betray Amy's confidence. Would the girl appreciate it if Amy spread the details of her concerns?

I still cannot grasp how she is so sure that the simple fact of not liking healing people makes her a bad person. It did have to be more than that, but what was it that burdened her? She hated being the focus of attention, always trying to hide within her robes. Amy was an attractive girl - Josephine knew young noblemen who would fight duels for her, and young noblewomen who might aspire to her figure, but she made no effort to draw attention to that, and indeed, seemed to hide from that too.

Cassandra does much the same, though I do not believe her reasons and Amy's are similar.

Josephine sipped at her coffee again, letting the flavors linger on her tongue for a moment. It wasn't the same as what she could get from the cafes back in Antiva, or in Val Royeaux, but it was still quite worth the expense of getting them here, and the genuine delight on Amy's face when Josephine had given the girl her own beans and grinder had also been well worth it.

"As I said, I am worried about her." Josephine repeated herself. "I wonder if the pressure being placed on her is too much for her to handle. She is little more than a child."

"Not much younger than when Kalaius Cousland saved Ferelden from the Fifth Blight," Leliana pointed out, smiling a little.

"We cannot all be the Hero of Ferelden." Josephine countered, laughing softly. "He at least already knew how to fight, as did you yourself by her age. Amy, quite obviously, doesn't have that much." She exhaled slowly, setting her cup back down. "Regardless, I fear she might break rather than bend under the weight of it all, and I don't know how to help her, or how to reach her."

"She's held up remarkably well, thus far, if even half of what she has said is true." Leliana disagreed.

"She looks like it publicly, but you didn't see her yesterday. The simple act of asking how she was doing set her off. She seems to exist permanently on the edge. No one can stay there forever."

"We hardly need forever from her," Leliana shook her head, "We just need her to last long enough to close the Breach." The hard edge in her voice was back. "She seems to be quite committed to helping with that, so I do not think she'll be unable to hold herself together that long."

"And then what, Leliana? Throw her away like a broken tool when the task is done?! Surely you cannot be so heartless!" The redhead did have a possible point about Amy's ability to bear up given the task ahead - whatever Amy's protestations, she was a good person, dedicated to helping others. She hated healing, but despite the toll it took on her, did it anyway, far more than she had to. She got agitated when she wasn't healing. Amy did seem to be able to use the task ahead as a means of keeping herself going.

But then what? Amy was in danger of breaking under the pressure on her, from herself, and from others. Indeed, she might already be broken, held together only by her own work as a healer, and now the tasks before her as Herald. But once the Breach was closed?

Amy needed to relax the pressure she placed on herself, at the very least, and find a way to have time for herself. She needed, in other words, a break.

As do you. Josephine could recognize in Amy, as in herself, that sense of obligation. But Josephine was far older than Amy, and she at least tried to take a few small times for herself, even now. Such as it was, and such as they were. Amy didn't even do that much, and she was little more than a child. She needed that time even more.

"I have no plans or desire to 'throw her away', Josephine, but the Breach must be closed. That takes precedence, above all else. The Inquisition is the only force trying, and Amy is the only one who can do it, as far as can be understood."

"And as I said, and then what? If she breaks in the process of saving us all, what does that say about us that we let it happen?"

"One girl against the lives of all Thedas, should the Breach not be closed?" Leliana shook her head. "It says that we did what needed to be done." Leliana inhaled sharply. Josephine felt her blood boil - Leliana wasn't the same woman she'd known all those years ago, and she had been the Left Hand of the Divine, but still! There were limits to what could -

Leliana held up a hand before Josephine could put voice to her protests.

"I am not saying that she should be sacrificed. Nor is a choice I am eager to make, but if it must be made, it must be made. As for what happens after the Breach is closed... I cannot say." Leliana lowered her hand. "I do not believe she is as close to breaking as you believe, but I can tell she is... troubled. The girl does not belong here in Thedas - that, more than anything, makes me certain of her story."

"You were the first to believe her words, back in her cell, from what I understand."

"I was the first to accept that she wasn't lying. The girl has even less capacity for artifice than Alistair. She shows her emotions all over her face." Leliana chuckled, "If she had any money, Varric would have fleeced her of all of it in a game of WicCked Grace."

"I think Varric might draw the line at stealing money from a child. He is a scoundrel, not a monster." Josephine countered with a small smile of her own.

"He might give it back after he was done, especially if it proved to be too easy for him," Leliana conceded the point with a small nod. "But yes, I believed her words in the cell, if only because she was not lying. Still, she speaks of something impossible, and her powers defy all belief. They are not magic, but achieve magical ends. They are real, and yet, impossible. If there are other worlds, they must have been made by the Maker, but she has no knowledge of him."

"I'm no Chantry sister, but if the Maker used Andraste to deliver his will to us, perhaps he used someone else to her world. The Maker's will is not easy to divine, as you have said more than once, as Divine Justinia herself often said."

"We can only do what we believe we must," Leliana agreed softly. "That is true, but it does raise questions. The girl does nothing but raise questions."

"And she lacks the proper education to answer them, by her own admission." Josephine would very much love to see Amy's world - the villains, the 'capes' sounded terrifying, yes, but it was a world of much wonder, and their understanding of the sciences had to be quite impressive, if they really had achieved so much without magic.

She was very curious what sorts of plays could be seen on the 'television' Amy had spoken of, for instance. The theatrical traditions of an entirely different world, with a history entirely unlike that of Thedas? It was a wonderful thought.

"She can answer some of them, if she would speak on the subject more completely." Leliana noted. "There are questions of the Maker that her existence represents, but there are more important ones for the moment - what exactly are the limits of her abilities? She can obviously do far more than healing, but what else? What moves her to action, what drives her? She is an unknown, and her reticence and insistence on keeping to herself makes it harder to learn that. And I can't exactly seek out those who know her and ask them about her past."

"I don't think it much matters what else she can do besides healing," Josephine shook her head, "She is quite firm on her unwillingness to use her abilities for anything else, from what Cassandra said, and from what I have seen."

"So she says. So she believes now." Leliana shook her head. "But we all have it in us, the capacity to do terrible things, Josephine. The measure of a person is what it takes for them to be willing to do them."

Josephine's eyes narrowed. "You're afraid of her."

"I am worried about what she could do if she chose to. And I am worried I know so little about her as to have no idea of what might serve as leverage. Her desire to go home is all we have, but I haven't the slightest idea of how to send her there. It is hardly a leverage that can be used, given that."

"You hardly need leverage against her, Leliana. She is no threat to be contained or blackmailed." Josephine abhorred the darker edges to the game, though she was not above strategic use of blackmail if it absolutely had to be done - she preferred favors, and winning her enemies over with words, or boxing them in with her own allies, if direct diplomacy failed. But Leliana was the Left Hand of the Divine.

Such a position existed for a reason, distasteful as it was, and Josephine was glad a woman as principle as Leliana was the one who held it, but it did make her see things from a very different perspective.

Sometimes, she left Josephine quite worried about her.

"There are times, Josie, when I wish I could see the world the way you do." Leliana murmured softly. "We must be focused on the Breach, but Amy is still a potentially dangerous unknown, and that she is unknown is what worries me about her."

"And if you are so busy trying to find some leverage against her, so concerned by her danger, that we lose sight of the task at hand? I don't think she will take it well if she finds out you're looking for some means to blackmail or force her to do as you wish." Josephine countered. She didn't really expect Leliana to be convinced - the other woman was stubborn when it came to things like this, but Josephine was not above being able to say 'I was right', if it turned out that this effort backfired on Leliana like she feared it might.

"What exactly is she going to do? Not help close the Breach? If there is one thing I am certain about, it is that Amy's desire to close the Breach, and quickly, is genuine." Leliana shook her head.

Josephine inclined her head, because she could dispute that. "I suppose you are right about that but if nothing else, it seems quite churlish and unfair to rely on her to save us all and plot to undo her purely on possibility."

"You prepare for the possibility of betrayal as much as I do, Josephine," Leliana said, chiding her, a small smirk on her face.

"I prepare for the possibility of being betrayed, protecting myself or those I am working on behalf of from the effects of it, not preparing to attack or undermine an ally." Josephine corrected. "It cannot say I do not understand your desire for caution in the abstract, but having had the chance to spend more time with her, I can tell you - there is no artifice in Amy. She is reticent to speak of herself, yes, but she cannot lie or hide her feelings. If you want to understand what motivates her, Leliana, you are perhaps best served by asking her."

 

[quasit17]

Josephine corrected. "It cannot say I do not understand your desire for caution in the abstract, but having had the chance to spend more time with her, I can tell you

Click to shrink...

I

 

[Kylia Quilor]

I didn't know spellchecker had an account here. Man, Technology is amazing.

 

[bob1?]

wow Caorl really messed her up…
Still wondering what happens when she and varic find out the Blight infected red lyrium

 

[Kylia Quilor]

Author's Note: Last Chapter (and Cassandra's interlude) was something of a major low point for Amy. And arguably her lowest, and the point where things begin to trend upwards overall. She's gonna have some pretty bad days going forward - people who know DAI can probably guess at a few of them - but she's going to be slowly on a recovery for a good while, overall, so she'll be significantly more... reasonable.

Thanks are extended to everyone who has and everyone how will contribute to the TV tropes page for the fic. It is a great motivational boost to give it a look every now and then.

Amy Dallon, Herald of Andraste

By Kylia

Chapter 13​

"You're picking up on things," Cassandra praised Amy, as she lowered her staff, and then took a sip from her waterskin, passing it over to Amy.

Amy took the waterskin and took a deep drink, flushed and sweaty and lightly bruised all over. Three days into this stupid staff training (not that they were completely giving up on the jogging around the village thing either) and Cassandra had only put more force into her swings, and Amy was collecting an annoying collection of bruises from where the staff connected with her. Usually through her armor, and Amy was blocking a lot of them, but Cassandra was faster than she was, and kept feinting and Amy was left trying to catch up, on both fronts.

"Am I really? Is this actually going to help me?"

"Yes, it will," Cassandra said quickly, firmly. "In battle, all the enemy needs is one lucky blow, truly. Every attack you are able to block, or dodge is one less attack that has the chance to be that lucky blow." She accepted the waterskin back from Amy. "Next time a demon or anyone else gets close, you might just be able to buy yourself some time to get away."

"Running away from the people trying to kill me is always a good idea," Amy agreed.

"It is sometimes the most sure means of your survival, and in your case, there is no fault in running from a fight."

Amy bristled at the 'in your case'. Cassandra meant it in terms of like 'you're not a coward for running from a fight when you can't', or something - which was... Amy couldn't totally agree with it, but she got it, and -

But it always felt like Cassandra was looking down on her because she didn't fight.

"So am I trained enough for it to be safe for us to go to Val Royeaux then? When are we even leaving and getting on with this plan?"

"If we could, I would prefer to take several months before we took you to Val Royeaux, or skip the entire trip altogether, but no other options have presented themselves for getting us the support we need to close the Breach." Cassandra sighed. "And word continues to come in about the Grand Clerics denouncing us, denouncing you."

"What the fuck is their problem?" Amy knew the answer, it was obvious, but still. Endbringer Truces are a thing back home, we can actually work together against the big threats! And Thedas couldn't even just agree to get out of her way when it came to closing the Breach.

"They are small-minded and petty, more concerned with the perceived threat to their power that you, that the Inquisition represents." Cassandra gave the answer Amy already knew. "Hand me your staff. I think that is enough for today."

"Oh thank God," Amy let out a breath and handed the staff over, Cassandra putting it back on a rack of weapons. "Are we done, then?"

"With training, yes." Cassandra answered, And Amy let out a sigh. That was a very specific answer, which meant Cassandra wasn't done with her for the day.

"And what else is there?"

"Many things, Amy, but for now, I have questions."

"Questions like 'why don't you want to fight?'" Amy rolled her eyes. "Goddamnit, I've said everything I want to say about that!"

"Not precisely questions like that, no. And others. You profess to worship no God, and yet you swear by and thank one with some regularity?"

"Habit. Most people back home believe in a single all-powerful God. Kind of like your Maker, but, you know, not. People say 'Thank God' and 'Goddamnit' and whatever around you enough times, you pick it up," Amy sighed. "And if we're going to talk religion, I need coffee."

She turned and started walking towards her cabin. She had a kettle now, so she could heat up her own water for coffee, and had, and the little coffee grinder Josephine had gotten her, and the beans... fucking lifesaver.

Cassandra followed after her. "It is already mid-afternoon. You are clearly well awake."

"Coffee helps with my mood, and keeps me alert and stops me from being even grumpier when I'm dealing with shit I don't want to deal with," Like being awake, and dealing with... well, anything other than her bed, or spending time with her sister, or, back when she read books, reading a book.

She had actually finally picked up the Tale of the Champion again yesterday. Just a few more pages. Hawke's arrival in Kirkwall, docking at 'The Gallows' with all the other refugees, packed in. Some had been waiting for days, or weeks, but Leandra, Hawke's mother, had claimed her brother would get them passage into the city. It was just a matter of telling someone that and getting them to listen.

The Kirkwall Guards had seemed distinctly disinterested in hearing anyone out, from the description of things so far.

"You and Josephine both, and that drink," Cassandra muttered, but she said nothing else until they reached the cabin. Cassandra nodded to Katerina, who was standing guard outside. "You may take your leave for the moment, Katerina. I will be with Amy for some time."

Great.

She hadn't actually sat down and talked stories with Katerina since their little truce - too busy with jogging, or the whole 'I'm going to attack you with a stick so try and stop me' thing, or with Josephine talking to her about what to expect in Val Royeaux. When she wasn't doing one of those things, Amy just... wasn't up to talking.

She was still brooding on what she'd done to that abomination. She didn't get why she'd stopped having nightmares about it. She was glad for it, but... why? It was still bad? She still felt guilty about it. Why was she suddenly sleeping so well?"

Thankfully, Josephine hadn't tried to lecture her about her being a good person since Amy had broken down in her office, thankfully, and Cassandra hadn't either.

I'm not. Amy insisted to herself, every time the question came up in her mind since. She wasn't a good person. She couldn't be. Josephine's argument sounded reasonable, but she just...

Josephine clearly was smart and educated - she mentioned going to University, so college was a thing here for rich people, at least - but she just... she didn't understand Amy. Didn't understand why, with Amy, at least, her perfectly reasonable argument was totally and completely wrong.

Had to be wrong.

"So what's this about, the whole 'God' thing? Because I pretty much said all I can really say." Plus, while Cassandra wasn't as bad as religious nuts she'd met back home, the older woman was devout, and armed, and talking in detail about how she was an atheist didn't really seem like a good idea, under those circumstances.

"It is a matter I have questions about," Cassandra said, but Amy could hear the 'but' coming, as she poured water from a pitcher into the kettle, and started grinding coffee beans as Cassandra went on. "But, it will have to wait for another time. I want to ask you about your family."

Amy paused mid-turn of the wheel of the grinder and then stared at Cassandra. "My family." Amy had talked about her sister a lot, on the road, with Varric, or with Josephine, and of course that had touched on her family, but she hadn't spoken in detail about Carol or Mark or anything like that. "Why do you want to-?"

"I'm trying to understand you. You are a confounding, confusing young woman, Amy, and if I am to help you carry the burden of being Herald, of bearing that Mark, as I promised, I need to understand how to help."

Goddamnit. Amy didn't need -

"I don't need-"
"Yes, Amy, you do," Cassandra reached across and put a hand on Amy's shoulder. "I am... I am not perhaps the best person to provide that help, but I'm not sure who would be. What little rapport you had with Katerina has not been present since the Hinterlands, and while you seem to get on well with Josephine, she cannot be there in the field, or come with us to Val Royeaux."

"I can manage just fine." Amy muttered. "I don't need the help of a coward like Katerina."

"Coward? Katerina is many things, some of them... frustrating, but a coward is not one of them."

"She stayed silent when she had a choice to speak out. She told me all about what happened when she was an Initiate. How she only quit when the Templars turned on the Chantry."

"Then you know she also tried to speak out and saw the consequences, for herself and the one she spoke to." Cassandra countered. Amy opened her mouth to rebut, to explain that wasn't enough - doing the right thing wasn't just... trying and then giving up when you failed, because you were afraid of what could go wrong, or you didn't like the consequences. But before she could say anything, Cassandra held up a hand. "As long as you aren't so unhappy with Katerina that you want a different bodyguard, I see no reason to step into your issues with her."

"No, I don't want a different bodyguard. At least this one isn't all... reverent and stuff, like half the people in the village." More than half, even, maybe. And she was still better than someone like Ser Gilbert, or anyone else who thought like a Templar. They served a purpose, she got that... having been face to face with that abomination, she had no issues with them trying to prevent that.

But imprisoning mages and getting addicted to Lyrium - even on orders - and then rebelling because they couldn't be oppressive was still bad shit. And even if the Templars working for the Inquisition hadn't rebelled, Ser Gilbert and the ones who had stood with him during that spat still hated mages, or close enough.

"Then let us return to the matter at hand. Your family."

Amy returned to turning the grinder, as much to buy time as to finish grinding the beans she'd added to it.

"Fine. What do you want to know about my family."

"You've said they're heroes, who protect the people of your city from criminals, like that man Hookwolf, you mentioned. Or more ordinary armed thugs." Amy nodded. "And they were for your entire life?"

"All that I can remember. I'm adopted, so I wasn't part of the family until I was six,"

"What of your birth parents?"

"I don't remember anything about them." She knew she remembered a bit more about her birth mother when she was younger, but at this point, all memories of her had faded - she remembered she remembered the smell of strawberries, but that was it. Her birth father... she didn't remember much about him either, thank god.

"You remember nothing of your life before you were six?"

"Pretty much. What, do you remember much when you were that old?!" Lots of people didn't have strong memories from that far back!

"I am more than twice your age," Which would make Cassandra about Carol's age, right? Amy did some math in her head - she knew Carol's date of birth, so...

Yeah. Just about. Depending on how much Cassandra meant by 'more than'. One year? Five?

"That doesn't answer my question."

"I do have a few memories of back then." Cassandra answered. "...Many centering around when I was told my parents were being punished for treason and my brother and I would be given to our uncle to raise." She exhaled quietly. "I was six when I learned that as well."

"...Your parents were traitors?" Amy blinked. What sort of treason? How did -

"My parents made the mistake of joining in a plot against King Markus, then - and still - King of Nevarra. When it failed, they and their conspirators were executed, and many of their immediate families were exiled, had their lands and titles revoked or were also executed." Cassandra explained. Amy grimaced. Her parents had been executed when she was six? How was Cassandra so nonchalant about that? Fine, it had probably been thirty years, but...

Her parents were criminals, but like - weren't the American revolutionaries traitors? Amy had no idea what kind of King this Markus was or - Amy didn't really know enough to even begin to grasp how to respond to that. Overthrowing evil kings was always what the heroes did in stories, and punishing the families of conspirators against you seemed pretty 'evil king' territory?

"But you didn't get killed, exiled or have anything revoked?"

"Not as such, no." Cassandra agreed. "My brother was but thirteen, and I was six. We were both deemed too young, and we were Markus's kin... when loyal relatives spoke on our behalf, we were given to our Uncle Vestalus."

"Your uncle was one of those necromancer guys." Amy remembered Cassandra mentioning being raised in her Uncle's home, now that she thought of it.

"Mortalitasi, yes." Cassandra answered. Amy blinked as she registered something else Cassandra said.

"Wait, you're related to the King of Nevarra? You're royalty?!" She looked at Cassandra, wondering how she'd never picked up on that. But - how could she pick up on it? Amy had no idea how princesses outside of Disney movies or YA books acted, and with the latter it's because she knew a given character was a princess if they weren't... 'acting like one'...

"In the loosest sense of the word," Cassandra said with a sigh. "I am, last time I was told, seventy-eighth in line for the throne."

"Last time you were told? So you don't check?" Amy tipped the very well ground coffee into the kettle, hanging it up over the fire. She was sort of doing this to try and stave off Cassandra asking questions, but now she was also curious. Amy wasn't - it was just... kinda weird, being so close to royalty. Do you get to be called a princess if you're 78th in line? How did that even work? Did they really track succession that far forward ahead of time?

Had some group of genealogists sat around a table and said 'Right, let's plan ahead and find out who will take the throne if 77 people die unexpectedly in quick succession'?

"I have no interest in the affairs of court. The Pentaghasts are a large clan, I have hundreds of relatives, some so distant that we would require charts to tell exactly how we are related." Cassandra grimaced. "And yes, they all have them. Most Pentaghasts value their precious blood like it runs with gold."

"But not you?" Amy raised an eyebrow, feeling a little skeptical.

"I have but rarely returned to Nevarra since becoming a Seeker, and only in service to my duties as one." Cassandra answered. "The Pentghast family were once dragon hunters of great renown, in addition to being the rulers of Nevarra. Few now have any desire to make anything of themselves."

Cassandra killed two dragons and saved the Divine, so clearly she's a Dragon Hunter... Or at least, killed dragons. Curiosity pressed at Amy, about Dragons - as stupid an idea as it was, she still wanted to touch one, see how the hell it was possible for them to fly and breathe fire. She really hoped the answer wasn't 'it's magic', like it was with 'how do elves work?'

"But we are, again, getting sidetracked. Your family."

Amy inhaled slowly. "Right. Fine. Yes, they've been heroes for all the life that I remember. New Wave is the name of the team. Carol and Mark - my adoptive parents. Uncle Mike, Aunt Jess, Aunt Sarah, Uncle Neil. Then Aunt Jess died and Uncle Mike moved away, and there were just four left, until my cousin Crystal got her powers."

"Magic has been known to run in bloodlines..." Cassandra started, furrowing her brow. "Not always parent to child, but -"

"Powers aren't inherited... not exactly. There's parahumans that have kids that never got powers, but second-generation parahumans are a thing. Like my cousins and my sister and me."

"But you aren't related by blood to the rest of your family." Now Cassandra was the one raising an eyebrow. "Were your birth parents-"
"I don't know." Amy lied. Her birth father, yes. Her birth mother? Amy had no idea. She knew that the latter had died and she'd gone to live with the former afterwards, but beyond that... she really hoped her birth mother didn't know what sort of man she'd slept with until after. Whoever her birth father was...

He had to have been a monster.

"I don't look anything like the rest of my family. They're all... blonde and tall and... they don't have these," she gestured to her freckles, "Naturally thin and athletic and all that too. Anyone who looks at us can tell I don't fit in." Amy looked down at the ground as she said that. It didn't really hurt much anymore to talk about that, but...

One ill-advised attempt to bleach her hair blonde (which had nearly damaged her scalp because she'd used too much and done it wrong) and Carol's response to it had been enough to convince Amy that looking like part of the family wouldn't change anything.

"I'm not saying they weren't your family I - I am merely trying to understand." Cassandra put her hand on Amy's shoulder again and squeezed lightly in what Amy imagined was supposed to be a supportive gesture, but it felt... awkward. Like she really had no idea what she was doing.

Which oddly, almost made it feel more... genuine? This wasn't some practiced pity move...

It was still pity, of course - and it was just Cassandra trying to 'help' because she needed her for the Breach, but -

Of course, Cassandra was saying they were her family... she was wrong. Vicky was her family. But Carol had made it clear, even if not by words, that Amy wasn't family. Crystal and Eric... she supposed they acted like cousins were supposed to, so they were family, they saw her as family. Aunt Sarah? Uncle Neil? Maybe, them too. Mark...

Mark cared, but he just... wasn't there.

"What are you trying to understand? Where are these questions going? What's the point?" Amy finally said, not wanting to linger on Carol, on the inescapable fact of her isolation from her family. That no matter what she did, what she tried, she was never -

Cassandra inhaled sharply, letting her hand fall back by her side and letting out a breath. "I suppose - I'm trying to understand if getting powers, if becoming a hero like your parents, your Aunts and Uncles, was something you had reason to anticipate being your whole life with them."

What the fuck does that have to-

"Maybe? It was - Victoria would be able to go into detail about this, but second generation powers were known as a thing, even if not well understood. Just in Brockton Bay - there was this villain, Allfather. Nazi piece of shit," that Cassandra had no idea what a Nazi was didn't really register in Amy's mind as she went on, "He died years before I ever got my powers, but he had two kids. His son, Kaisar, and his daughter, Iron Rain." Iron Rain had also died before she'd ever even gone to live with the Dallons, just from knowing basic timelines. "No one knew who any of them were under the masks, but everyone knew they were his kids. He led a gang called Empire 88 - all Nazi shitheads - and now Kaisar leads it."

"A hereditary gang?" Cassandra sounded surprised. "It seems surprising that a collection of thugs could hold together for that long. But then - so you knew growing up you would get powers?"

"Could get powers. It's not - it's not certain. There's Parahumans with kids who never get powers, or..." Amy furrowed her brow, trying to think, trying to figure out how to explain it. "People look like their biological parents because they inherit things from them. Vicky looks like a younger Carol, basically." It had been really weird, finding an old picture of Carol when she was Amy and Vicky's age a year and change back. It hadn't been identical, but... "Someone has black hair because one or both of their parents did, or green eyes, or whatever because parents pass those biological traits onto their kids. We call those genes," Amy was massively oversimplifying, but... she kind of had to. "From what I remember my sister telling me one time - she studied this - no one's found a... parahuman gene. Victoria once said there was a theory about... proximity to a parahuman for long enough, rather than who your parents were?"

Fuck, I don't think I even remembered her saying that to me until I started thinking about it. Amy listened when her sister infodumped about powers, she did, and in the moment, Amy tried to be actively engaged, if Vicky wanted it, but - in the end, it wasn't her thing. She didn't care, she didn't really want to know all that, so it tended to just... end up in the back of her mind.

"I guess... yeah, we knew it was possible. Just... not certain." Amy concluded. "Crystal was the first one to get powers." She thought back to that conversation - she still remembered it way too vividly, the one where Carol had managed to kill the Roar books for her, without even meaning to. The weight of her disapproval and expectations and...

"You only get powers through something bad happening to you." Amy said. "Something awful. I never wanted to go through that." She swallowed. "I wish I hadn't. Seeing Vicky like that, bleeding - she was... You never realize how much blood the human body can hold until you see it all spilling out, and it's getting all over your hands and -" Amy tried to shut herself up, tried to stop talking - she tried to drive the images of it out of her head, the feeling of seeing her sister, the most important person in her life, the only person who -

Her breathing was coming faster and shallow and -

"Amy." Cassandra had a hand on her shoulder, and then took one of Amy's hands in her other hand. "Look at me. Breathe."

Amy opened her eyes and looked at Cassandra. "Breathe," Cassandra repeated, and Amy tried to force herself to take a deep breath. It didn't really work, all ragged and shallow, but then she tried again, and then a third time, and that one was at least mostly a deep breath. Kinda. Sorta.

"I'm sorry for bringing up that memory. I saw how badly you reacted to discussing what happened to your sister the first time. I wasn't trying to revisit that, but... I should have expected this, and steered the conversation better."

Amy wiped at her eyes, taking another deep breath, looking away - the intensity in Cassandra's expression was a lot to look at - and she swallowed. "It's - it's okay. I... it's worse, just because I haven't seen her in so long." Amy explained. It wasn't like she liked thinking about that day, but she didn't usually get so immediately bad about it if she did, and -

Don't linger on it. Get to something safer. Anything that would make sure her thoughts stayed away from that, at least a little...

"I never wanted powers. I didn't want to go out and fight. I didn't want to... I didn't want to hurt people or get hurt myself or... do you know what it's like, everyone knowing you as the miracle healer? It doesn't happen as much anymore, but it used to be people were always coming up to me, asking me to heal this person or that person, or- Most people with powers wear masks. Take it off, and they could be anyone. My family... always in the public eye. Photo shoots and publicity events and assholes following to try and find some hint of scandal."

Local celebrity, cape celebrity - it wasn't the same as being a famous child actress, sure, thank God, but it was still... still too much. And then she got powers.

"I hate people looking at me." Amy shrugged off Cassandra's hand and let go of the other one and stood, taking the kettle and pouring coffee into a cup. "Vicky. Vicky always wanted powers. She wanted to... she wanted to be the one in the spotlight, wanted to be the one who could get rid of all the bastards destroying the city. All the gangs, the villains. Every night, she'd fly around, looking for thugs to stop, to take down, to arrest."

To throw dumpsters at...

"She's a hero. Every day, she's focused on saving lives, on helping people. That's what she wanted to do. It's always what she wanted to do. Me?" Amy shook her head. "I never wanted any of that."

"Your sister spent years preparing to become a warrior, someone who fought. And you did not." Cassandra said after a moment, sounding like she was having some sort of realization.

"And then I got this. I could fight with this, you're right. One touch to bare skin, out like a light." Well, it could take a few seconds, probably, depending on how invasive she wanted to be, but...

Amy sipped at her coffee.

"I never wanted that. I don't want that. If I didn't have to deal with demons and abominations and all the other insane crazy stuff here, I could just... keep healing. I wouldn't need to fight with a staff."

"But you do need to." Cassandra said. "You need to be able to defend yourself."

"I need the ability to stop you from whacking me, at least," Amy muttered. "A staff wouldn't have saved me from that abomination."

"Maybe not. But it might have given you more time. More options." Cassandra countered. "And the next opponent that comes close enough to harm you might be wearing too much armor for you to use your power on, if forced to."

If they're wearing armor they're human and I don't - I can't -

It was one thing to use her power on that... thing. It was once a person, but she'd watched, live, as he'd become something very much... not. And she'd felt how unnatural he was, both just... seeing him, being near him, and touching the body. Anything that might have been human was in the rearview mirror.

But an actual person? Even... even someone monstrous? A Hookwolf for Thedas?

I can't do that. I can't - I can't use my powers like that on them. What she'd done was bad enough, proving every fear she'd had right, for all that Josephine and Cassandra didn't get that.

"That's true." Amy hated both words as they left her, but it was true. And - and hitting people with a staff didn't have to kill them. Blunt force trauma could kill, yes, but it usually took blows to the head, or shattered ribs getting into lungs or things like that to cause major harm immediately.

Internal bleeding took time, and that she could correct. Even someone in armor - once they were down for the count, she could heal them.

"I don't want to hurt people. Even people who probably deserve it. Even people who definitely deserve it." There had been nothing satisfying about ramming that fire extinguisher into Skitter's head. Nothing.

Nothing!

"But...you're trying to help. And you're right. I just..." She sighed, and she tried to find a way to put it into words. Because Cassandra was right. She hated that Cassandra was right, she didn't want to admit that Cassandra was right, wanted more than anything else to live in a world where Cassandra was as wrong as it was possible to be.

But she also didn't want to die. She didn't want another abomination, or a demon, or some heavily armored idiot with a sword to kill her.

She didn't want to hurt people, but she was so far past that she couldn't see daylight, wasn't she? So what was it? Or rather - she knew what it was. Just... how did she say it?

"I just - every day, I feel like I'm slipping away. I'm Amy Dallon. Panacea. I hate the name, but that's who I am, what I am. Now I'm here, I can't heal as many people, or as much. My family isn't here, and I - I've got this stupid thing on my hand, and I barely understand anything happening around me, and people are looking at me like I'm the Second Coming and - and now I'm faced with having to fight." She looked down at her robes. She hated them, hated the red cross symbol, hated that the robes defined her as Panacea, hated that she was supposed to be called Panacea when she was wearing it, back home, but...

At least that was familiar. She knew who 'Amy Dallon, Panacea' was.

Who the hell was 'Amy Dallon, Herald of Andraste'?

"I don't want to fight, I don't want to hurt people, but just as much... at least here... I don't want to stop being who I am. What I am. And it feels like I'm losing that." Amy held her coffee in both hands, just sort of letting the warmth from the cup radiate into her body.

Cassandra looked at her for a long moment, silent, then: "I wish I had some form of assurance for you that your fears are wholly unfounded."

"But you don't. You can't say it."

"I can't." Cassandra agreed. "I joined the Seekers when I was younger than you are now, and that has been my purpose for almost my whole life. When Lord Seeker Lambert led the Seekers and the Templars into rebellion, I could not join them. What does it mean, to be a Seeker, who is in effect, no more a member of the Seekers? When Divine Justina lived, I was her Right Hand, her guardian, her sword. That much could drive me. Without her..." Cassandra trailed off, shaking her head.

"I am thirty eight years old, and I do not think it is unreasonable to say I have a greater sense of myself, and who I am, than you do." She smiled softly, "It is perhaps a privilege of experience. But... I cannot say that I am free of the questions of who I am, and who I am becoming. If the Maker is with us, the Breach will be closed, and those responsible for the destruction of the Conclave will be brought to justice..."

Cassandra sounded pretty certain of success, given the 'if the Maker is with us' caveat...

"I sometimes wonder what people will say about me? A madwoman, a fanatic? A heretic leading a new movement against the Chantry? Will they say I did the right thing? I am Cassandra Pentaghast, Seeker of Truth, Right Hand to Divine Justinia V and... I am less sure what that means now, then I was a mere two months ago. I don't want to lose that. Who I was. But..." She exhaled slowly.

Cassandra held out a hand. "When this started, we agreed you would help close the Breach, and I would do all I could to help you find a way home. That agreement still holds. But perhaps we can agree, here and now, to find out who we are becoming, who we will be, together? To work together to ensure that whoever we are when this is over, we at least recognize ourselves?"

Amy's first thought was to reject the offer. To refuse to accept that she was losing herself, that she was going to have to concede to changing. That she couldn't hold onto staying who she was when she arrived in Thedas.

But I'm already not Panacea anymore, not really, right?

She wasn't going to just give up on Pancea, on clinging to what she knew. She couldn't. She wasn't that brave. But... maybe with some help, she could hold onto that a little easier? She wasn't sure how she could help Cassandra at all, but it was...

She couldn't imagine Carol ever not being sure of who she was or what she was doing. And even if that happened, Carol would never admit to it.

Cassandra did. Amy... Amy appreciated that. And -

"I... we can try." Amy finally said, accepting Cassandra's hand and shaking it again.

The other woman was really determined to try and help her. It had to be because she needed her to close the Breach and all, but she was still doing more than Amy would have expected, trying harder than she would have expected.

She let go of Cassandra's hand after a moment and sipped at her coffee again, letting out a breath.

"Thank you," Cassandra said, and Amy shook her head.

"I should be thanking you." She sipped her coffee again, and they were silent for a moment, and then:

"...what exactly is this 'Second Coming' you mentioned? From the context, I assume it ties into the 'God' you mentioned earlier." Cassandra asked. Amy grimaced. Religion. "If you don't want to speak of it-"

"I brought it up," Amy sighed. "Like I said, I don't worship God, I've never read the Bible - it's like the Chant of Light, I guess - and I just know the stories I pick up. There's a God, he created the world in seven days, then created humans and then humans sinned and got cast out of paradise, or... something." She knew more than that about the Garden of Eden story - snake, apple, tree of knowledge - but it wasn't worth going into detail.

"Eventually... you know how the Maker has Andraste, took her as his bride and everything?" Cassandra nodded, "Well, back home, according to the Bible, God picked this woman Mary - who was a virgin - to bear his son. Not through sex, just... boom, you're pregnant. Not sure how that worked." Cassandra raised an eyebrow, but really, was a virgin birth really any weirder than God - sorry, the Maker - deciding you were his wife? "Anyway, she has his kid, who gets called 'Jesus Christ' these days. The kid grows up, starts preaching to people about peace and love and helping your neighbor and all that. Does miracles - heals a leper, and brings a guy back from the dead and turns water into wine-"

"The son of your God turned water into wine? That is a miracle contained in the holy book?" Cassandra sounded not like she thought it was impossible, but that she thought it was... silly? Minor? Not something worthy of a miracle?

"He's not my God. And yes. Probably others too, but the water into wine one comes up a lot. He... pissed off the existing priesthood, or scared them or something, and the - the Roman Empire, who was in charge of the place crucified him because the priests asked or... something. I don't know. He dies, and then three days later comes back from the dead and goes up to Heaven, but supposedly he's supposed to come back - the Second Coming - at the end of the world and save everyone or... something." She gestured sort of helplessly. "No idea about the details, but - that's really pretty much all I know about it. Not everyone back home worships him, but there's a lot of people who do, and lots of different ideas on how."

Amy pinched the bridge of her nose. "You know how you guys have that other Divine in Tevinter?" Cassandra nodded. "There's like three major versions of Christianity, and two of them are even more subdivided." Amy held up a hand, "Don't ask me for the differences between them, because they don't really make much sense to me."

Something something should the Pope be in charge or not and then Martin Luther hung a note on a door. That and a bunch of wars for like a hundred and change years after that were about all she knew about the Protestant Reformation, and she knew even less about why Eastern Orthodox split off from Catholic.

Cassandra stared at her for a moment, then shook her head, "I almost regret asking. Because what you say is strange and confusing, and yet, you can't answer most of the questions I have."

"I mean, if you wanted me to go on an extended rant about how too many people don't take care of their bodies," like she didn't, but never mind that, "I could give you all the details about how that all works, but then we'd be here for a month." Amy didn't really care if people did take care of their bodies, not enough to actually pester anyone about it, but equally, she couldn't help but pick up on anytime she touched someone.

That man smoked, this one drank too much, that woman didn't get enough protein, that other woman didn't bother taking the meds for their minor allergy, this person had an obvious muscle issue they were refusing to get looked at, that person was tanning themselves to death.

Amy didn't get enough sleep, used to drink too much coffee and before endless leg day and now staff fighting training, probably should have been more active for her own health. Her own diet was... acceptable, though also probably not balanced perfectly. In some ways it was probably more balance now, though also probably less in others.

Cassandra smiled, "Perhaps another time."

---

Another day later and everything was set, they were all packed and prepared to leave for Val Royeaux. The plan, apparently, was to go down the mountain, into the Hinterlands, but a part further north than the part they'd been too before - the area near Redcliffe was the area that had been full of rogue templars and mages and full of refugees - and then head overland to a city called Jader, which was just inside Orlais, and take a ride on a ship to Val Royeaux from there.

Amy had never actually been on a boat before. What few vacations the Dallon Family had ever taken with her had been by plane or car. The Bay wasn't exactly a place for pleasure cruises or whatever.

And somehow I doubt my immunity to being sick will cover seasickness. Because that wasn't actually a disease.

Fun.

"I still wish we could send some soldiers with you," Cullen said, "But even though we've had more arrivals, even a dozen come yesterday, we just can't spare them. Even the ones that are trained aren't trained to all work together as a unit. That kind of cohesion takes time."

"And there's no way we would be allowed to send soldiers into Val Royeaux." Josephine added. "I've secured permission for Amy and others to enter the city to meet with the Chantry Sisters, but we still aren't recognized by the Empress or the Imperial Government. We have been over this, Cullen."

"That's not what I mean. The roads aren't exactly safe, at least not all of them." Cullen explained. "Your route should take you past any areas with known dangers, but now it's just the unknown ones we have to worry about. And Jader is not exactly the safest city for anyone, let alone someone who has people who will want to kill you."

Motherfucking...

Amy let out a long sigh. She was so... so... so tired of all this. Could people just let her save the damn world already? "How worried should I be about assassins, really? Like, should I start sleeping with one eye open? I get that they're possible, but... can you give me a percentage?"

"The further you get from Haven, the riskier it gets," Leliana cut in. She'd been hanging back, leaning against the wall, arms crossed, rather than standing by the table with the map - the 'war table', Cullen had called it, to mild amusement from Josephine and Leliana. Now she stepped forward, hands by her side. "Val Royeaux itself should be relatively safe, I think. I've reached out to those in the Chantry that Mother Giselle suggested can be trusted to hear you out, or are ready to be on our side if given the chance. They'll be in a position to make sure the other Grand Clerics don't hire anyone inside the city itself. Besides, if you die in the city, all suspicion will fall on them, and they'll prefer deniability, at this point."

"So it's getting to the city that I should be worried about then?" Amy double-checked, and Leliana nodded in confirmation. "If I die to an assassin, I am going to use my last breath to laugh at them for when the Breach kills everyone or consumes the world or whatever the hell it's supposed to do."

"We will do what we can to ensure your safety. Either myself or Katerina will be with you at all times. Ideally both. And Varric and Solas are skilled combatants as well." Cassandra assured her. "If we can, I want to keep up your staff practice on the road."

"It's still not practice when it mostly consists of you hitting me, and me trying to make you stop." She didn't say it with much bite, her little heart to heart with Cassandra the other day at least making her less annoyed at the staff training. But just less.

"My training with a blade when I joined the Templars was more nuanced than that, but in essence, that was a large part of it," Cullen disagreed, and Amy glared at him. He was unbothered, because why would he be? Amy knew she didn't exactly look scary.

Vicky doesn't really look scary either unless she's just broken something strong or lifted something heavy near you. Or she has her aura up and it's making you afraid. Not her, but you know, the whole 'general you' thing.

Cullen reminding her he was a Templar wasn't doing much for her view of him. She didn't have to deal with him on a regular basis, so she didn't really stop to think about it. He'd left at some point, sounded like when the Templars had rebelled, and he clearly agreed Meredith had gone too far, but from what little he'd said when she was around, he didn't have anywhere near the disdain for them and their abuses as Katerina.

How much had Cullen turned a blind eye to? How much had he given a pass to?

And what does it say about Josephine and Cassandra that they don't mind that? Or maybe they did and he was just too useful? Cassandra didn't mind what Katerina had done, but -

Amy closed her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose, shaking her head, trying to return her focus to now. She could ask Cassandra about Cullen later or -

People sucked. Cullen could suck as long as he was doing the right thing now and she didn't have to deal with him. Details were important, but Amy had so many things to worry about...

Just - put that in a folder labeled 'deal with later' - and then move on.

"Fine, fine, maybe it is practice." Amy waved a hand. "Okay, so worry about assassins the further we get to Val Royeaux. I'm guess I'm gonna have someone guarding the door of any room I'm in, fine, I'm used to that, and... what, just some sort of 'constant vigilance' thing?" Like Mad-Eye Moody or rather, the guy pretending to be him, had always said.

"In essence."

"Great." I hate this. I hate this so much. "So, we go to Jader, catch a boat, get to Val Royeaux, talk to the Grand Clerics and..." she trailed off. She'd spoken with Josephoine about what she was supposed to say, but at the same time, Jesus Christ, what was she supposed to say?

"And then I somehow convince them to stop fucking denouncing me and the Inquisition."

"Right now, they're a mostly united force. All you need to do is convince some, and make others doubt." Josephine said. "You are disinterested in taking power from the Chantry, or undermining people's faith in the Chant of Light. Your only interest is in closing the Breach. You just need to convince them of that." Josephine paused, "Though perhaps without cursing."

Amy was tempted to throw a bunch of curses together in a row in response to that, but she appreciated Josephine's point.

"Fine."

"I've written some suggestions on what exactly you should say, building on our discussions, but for something like this, you need to believe in what you're saying, and make it your own," Josephine handed Amy a folded piece of parchment, when she unfolded and looked over.

It was pretty much all the points they'd discussed, but it was nothing she'd ever say - all diplomatic niceness and formal phrasing. She really just wanted to be blunt about it, even without the cursing, but...

Her eyes flicked over to one of the suggested bits in particular, something she might be able to work with: 'The title of Herald of Andraste is not one I claim for myself, and I have never claimed to speak for her or the Maker. In these trying times, people look for guidance from the Maker and his Bride. Because I can close the rifts, people look for that guidance from me. But if the Chantry were to work with us and not against us, we could-

Okay, so it just went on and on.

"I'm not saying any of these. I'd sound like some terrible actor reading their lines on stage from a piece of paper," Amy said. "But... I'll try to come up with something based on them."

"I'm sure Varric would be more than happy to offer his assistance. He's quite persuasive when he wants to be, and skilled with a turn of phrase," Leliana suggested. Cassandra made a small noise of disgust, and Cullen grimaced, but Leliana continued. "You don't need to sway everyone, or even most of them. Just a few, just enough."

No pressure then. Well, all the pressure, the fate of the world was at stake, not to mention the assassins that might come for her. But at the same time... just convince a few. Get a few to doubt. She could do that. She didn't give two shits about the Chantry, or their power, or any of that. Sure, it sounded all oppressive medieval Church and she would love to see that stop, especially with the way they treated elves. But the Breach was important and there wasn't anything she could do. She wasn't a believer, she couldn't leave, couldn't force the issue by herself...

And she just wanted to go home.

So... convincing them she just wanted to close the Breach and that was all... hopefully easy. Face to face.

"You're not the monster and threat and heretic they've built up in their heads, in their denunciations. You're a young woman dedicated to doing the right thing." Josephine said firmly. "Even if they can't see the latter, a look at you will make it quite clear you're not the former."

Once again, Amy felt like she should feel insulted. But really. She was a short, tired, grumpy teenager with frizzy hair and a coffee addiction. She didn't have the energy to be a heretic. And she wasn't a monster in the way they seemed to think she was. That much she could say with certainty.

"Okay." She took a breath. "Anything else before we leave?"

"Just a few highlights on the most important Grand Clerics that will be there," Josephine said. Amy held back a grimace.

Great. School.

---

"You recruited Hawke to join your brother's expedition because she'd been such an effective enforcer for a smuggler?" Amy demanded of Varric.

It was three days out from Haven, and they were encamped now, and Amy had gotten back to reading Tale of the Champion. As a story, it was really good, and as a character, Hawke was compelling. Amy almost found herself forgiving her for being that enforcer. Varric had painted such a vivid picture of how shitty the Gallows were with so many refugees crammed in, and Hawke's Uncle Gamlen's insistence that they needed 'more grease' to get Hawke and her sister and mother into the city was delivered with just the right -

As a character, Gamlen oozed. He was slimy and awful and then he went and basically indentured Hawke out to a smuggler as a way to get her into the city and pay back his debts. She really hoped Hawke punched him in the face a few times at some point.

Even that first 'test' Hawke had done to prove she was worth hiring had - a merchant who had bought stuff from Athenril - the smuggler - and then refused to pay. No honor amongst thieves and all that. And assuming Varric wasn't exaggerating with the guy taking advantage of refugees, paying them peanuts for their valuables so they could afford food while trapped in the Gallows, he was a piece of shit.

But that didn't make it okay for Hawke to threaten him into handing over the money, or okay for all the other stuff Hawke did working for a smuggler for that year. Crime was crime, even if Hawke had only killed other criminals who attacked her first. Even if the book tried to insist Hawke always tried to avoid hurting people, criminal or otherwise.

If this was just a book of fiction, Amy wouldn't mind it, but this was a real person. A person that was celebrated as the 'Champion of Kirkwall' and here this book all about her was basically celebrating her crimes.

"More that she'd been so effective in general." Varric shrugged. "Hawke knew how to get things done. She had to get things done for Athenril to get into the city and keep her sister safe from the Templars. But once she was done with that year of service, she didn't exactly run around committing many crimes. Apart from harboring apostates, if you count that."

Amy didn't.

"That makes it all better. She stopped." Amy rolled her eyes as she muttered that, then raised her voice: "And how exactly did you know all about the stuff she was doing in the criminal underworld?" She didn't like Varric. He played up the 'Rogue with a heart of gold' act, but that wasn't a thing in the real world. So that meant he was just a rogue. And he clearly loved the sound of his own voice. Those two facts had seen Amy not really interested in spending much time chatting with the man, but...

Just how much of a rogue was Varric, really?

"Paying protection money is just the cost of doing business in Kirkwall. Bartrand left that part of the job to me - mostly because he was always too proud to admit we needed to. Besides, criminals make for better card players than most people in Hightown." Varric chuckled. "Besides, Athenril wasn't all that bad."

"Right, next you'll tell me that she smuggled medicine for poor families or something like that. Gave it away for free, like some Robin Hood." Amy regretted it as soon as she said it, because now Varric was going to ask about that. He was always trying to learn more about Earth-Bet.

"Hardly, but she took good care of her people, took any chance to kill slavers that tried to prey on the poor, especially in the alienage, and didn't kill anyone who didn't come at her people first." Varric explained. "Put her leagues ahead of most of the other criminals in the city." Before Amy could say anything else, Varric kept going. "Who is Robin Hood?"

Amy sighed. "Fictional character. Sort of a... mythic figure guy. Tall tales and stuff. He lived in England a thousand years ago and robbed from the rich to give to the poor, resisting the tyranny of the evil King Jon with his band of merry men. He's a story. People like him don't exist."

"Anyone who goes into theft and tries just giving all their take to the poor is going to get shanked by their buddies pretty quickly, true." Varric agreed. "But a smart criminal knows how to make sure the poor like and trust them. There's a reason there used to be parts of Kirkwall's Lowtown that city guards used to never go, even in force, and parts where no one talked to the guard." Varric shrugged, "A bit of largess goes a long way."

Thank god the criminals of the bay don't do that. Not that there weren't areas dangerous to be a cop in the bay - Amy had had to heal too many BBPD officers who'd had to go into them - and not that plenty of people didn't refuse to talk to the cops back home, but none of the gangs were out there buying support from the people. Empire 88 might come the closest, appealing to racist fuckheads and all their quiet little backers who pretended all the violence was bad while secretly agreeing with them.

There was almost no one in the Asian community in the Bay that liked the ABB - Amy knew that part all too well, having had to heal too many victims of the ABB - which were as often other Asians as anyone else.

And well, no one but the drug addicts and other dregs of society liked Skidmark and his drug dealers.

"Used to be? What, the gangs all stopped being generous?"

"No, just that after six years of Hawke kicking the shit out of every gang that got too violent or nasty, and Aveline making the guard actually competent and honest, it was actually almost safe to walk through Lowtown at night." Varric paused, "And then Blonde blew up the Chantry and the whole city went to hell."

"And crime is back up?"

"Surprisingly, not really. Sure, people still get mugged, the Coterie still collects protection money and stuff still gets stolen, but it's still pretty low key. Kirkwall's still recovering from the mess, and there's just not a ton of money in crime right now there." Varric explained. "That, and Aveline basically runs the city now, and she's got no patience for any funny business. The city's leaders probably would have appointed her Viscount if she'd let them."

Amy blinked for a moment, and then - "Aveline takes over the Guard?" The woman had journeyed alongside Hawke and her family to Kirkwall, after having to kill her husband...

"Much to her chagrin. Caught the previous Captain taking bribes - too many bribes, even for the way things had been going in Kirkwall - and letting important people get stolen from. Again. Too many important people. The Viscount decided that she should get promoted, for her sins."

"Right, because a little crime is okay. A little bribery's fine." Amy rolled her eyes at that. It wasn't like she didn't know that was a thing, that people looked the other way, but none of that made it okay. Did Kirkwall have some official number? This much bribery okay, that much not?

"Cost of doing business. The Tethras family has people all over the Free Marches representing our interests. I know some of them are skimming a bit off the top, but as long as they don't go too far, and make at least some effort to hide what they're doing, I'm not going to get too bothered. Capable help is hard to find." Varric chuckled. "Which brings us back to Hawke: Hawke might have worked for a criminal, but she was trustworthy about it. I'll take an honest criminal over a liar who's never technically broken the law any day. Besides, the whole point was for her to buy into the expedition."

Amy stared at Varric. He was just so... cheerfully bland about the fact that people were stealing from him, and he even wanted them to try to hide it! And he - he was just -

Amy could almost see the logic about preferring an honest criminal to a liar who never 'technically' broke the law. She remembered an Aleph movie about pirates she'd watched once - the pirate 'hero' - who had been technically better than the pirate bad guys - had said something like 'you can trust a dishonest man to be dishonest'.

In fiction, there were those rogues with a heart of gold. Still criminals, still bad people, but sometimes, the story almost made you think they weren't that bad. Amy had to remind herself of it all the time, really. They were still criminals. Still selfish. Still just out for themselves.

Better than the bad guys was still bad. Negative one was still a negative number, even if it was bigger than negative ten, and all that.

Criminals preyed on people. Used them. Hurt them. Made their lives worse, ruined everything they touched, in the end. It was about money and power and no matter what, they'd always end up destroying lives and property and anything else in pursuit of it. The ABB pretended to be protecting the Asian community from E88, and then beat up Asians who refused to pay protection, and abused the women and girls in their brothels - mostly Asians.

E88 claimed to protect 'Good, decent, white Americans' from all the dirty immigrants and black people... and sure, they hurt a lot of minorities, but they hurt a ton of white people too. Not to mention all the drugs they flooded the streets with.

You couldn't be a criminal without hurting innocent people. It was just - that's how it worked. Victimless crime wasn't.

And - there were people who got away with being truly awful bastards without breaking any laws. Pharma CEOs, Gun manufacturers, criminal defense lawyers, most politicians...

They sucked too.

Amy let out an exasperated growl, "You write about Hawke like she's some great hero, she's the 'Champion' of Kirkwall and - Katerina sounds like she worships the ground Hawke walks on." Granted, Katerina's judgement was already suspect, but still. "She - I mean, it's good she helped save mages from getting killed, but that doesn't make up for her being a criminal, for working for a smuggler. And god knows whatever else she does against the law."

"Apart from helping the occasional mage avoid the Templars, she didn't really break that many laws after she was done with Athenril." Varric answered. "As for the rest..." Varric chuckled, "You're young, kid. Life is always simple at your age. Things aren't always that simple, and people are complicated."

"Life is just always simple. Something's good, or it's bad. Good people don't do bad things."

Varric laughed, "Must not be a whole lot of good people in your world then."

Don't I fucking know it.

---

There were a lot of things in Thedas that were nothing like the fantasy novels she'd read, obviously. But one thing she'd really not been prepared for was the smells. Just the daily assault of living in a world that didn't have modern hygiene standards or modern plumbing. Haven was a farming village, with farm animals. Same with the refugees at the Crossroads, even if they didn't have as many animals.

It wasn't really all that bad once you got used to it, and any one smell was hard to pick out from the general cacophony, but still.

Jader? Jader was so much worse.

It wasn't that the city had shit lying in the streets - no one was pouring chamberpots out the window, thank god - but she could still pick up the faint smell of it, all around. Horses did occasionally just shit in the streets, and there were stables with even more animals. And they didn't just flush it all down to sewers too. Probably gathered it up to take out of the city to farms or something.

That is why they call it fertilizer, right?

But it wasn't just the smell of bodily waste - it was the sheer mass of unwashed humanity. Thedas wasn't a place where like, no one bathed ever, but they weren't as clean as people were back home. Jader wasn't a physically large city either, as far as she could tell. No city in Thedas probably was as large as the massive metropolitan areas back home, but even still - people were packed in tighter.

And so, even though Varric told her that Jader had 'about fifty thousand people' - one seventh of Brockton Bay's 350,000 - the city looked, felt and smelled a lot less clean than Brockton Bay did. At least as long as you weren't near a drug den or the Trainyards, or something.

And that was before they made their way to the docks. Which smelled like fish. Rotting fish, dead fish, fish guts.

So.

Much.

Fish.

Amy didn't really like fish. Sure, she ate it, if that's what was for dinner, or if a can of tuna was handy and she needed to add something to boxed mac and cheese, but that wasn't the same thing.

Amy pulled her robes up to cover her nose, but it wasn't really doing much to block out the smell.

"They say you get used to the smell, in every city," Katerina observed, standing next to her as she was. "I don't think I ever did."

She was standing with the redhead and with Solas while Cassandra and Varric were off trying to book them passage on a fast ship. Well, Cassandra was, but Varric went along to make sure that 'you don't get fleeced, Seeker'. Cassandra hadn't say he couldn't come, so the dwarf had gone along with her.

"I would imagine that you spent most of your time at the Cumberland Circle - that's likely to be in a cleaner part of the city, and one less populated in general." Solas observed. "If someone is forced to deal with this sort of smell all the time, they will get used to it. Especially if they're born in one." Solas wrinkled his nose. "None of that changes the unpleasantness if you're not used to it, however."

Katerina shrugged. "Fair point."

"Somehow, I feel like the rich people in these cities don't have to deal with this smell."

"They do, but not as much." Solas disagreed. "I can't say for sure how the nobility or elites of Jader do it, but in practice, the wealthiest parts of a city are built upwind. They also have access to expensive perfumes and incense to help mask the smells in their own homes. And there's just less people packed into their districts." Katerina made a comment of agreement with Solas, and Amy sighed.

"I guess that makes sense. Rich people are the same everywhere." The wealthier parts of the bay had bigger houses, bigger properties around those houses, were further away from the worst parts of the city - it was all the same thing, wasn't it? The Dallons and Pelhams lived in a pretty nice part of the Bay, but not the places the Stansfield or Anders or Christner family lived.

"In my studies of the Fade, I have found that the powerful tend to behave the same across time, no matter where they were." Solas commented. "I suppose that also extends to other worlds."

"I mean, there are differences. No one today is as bad as the Magisters of old Tevinter. Even Tevinter today isn't as bad as the old Empire." Katerina pointed out. "Still slaving blood-magic using tyrannical bastards, but when I was in Kirkwall, I read that thousands of slaves a month died being worked to death or being used for blood magic, during the heyday of the city. And that was just the one city."

"Jesus Christ," Amy breathed out. "You're kidding me, right? That's just - what the fuck? Wouldn't they run out of slaves like that? That's just - what the fuck?" She repeated herself, but tried to wrap her brain around it. It was evil, but it just seemed so fucking wasteful. There was evil and then there was... that sort of obscenity.

"The Tevinter Imperium's hunger for new slaves fueled their expansion. Thedas is scattered with ruins from which they conducted raids for slaves. I've dreamed in many of them, walked the hallways trod by hundreds or thousands or more of slaves over decades and centuries." Solas explained, his tone calm and level, despite what he was talking about. It was distant and removed, and he had that tone - level, not really flat, but not easy to read either - a lot.

An affectation? Just the way he talked? Solas was pretty closed off, that much Amy could tell, so that was part of it. The elf left her with so many questions. It was convenient that a guy who knew so much about the Fade was handy when the Conclave blew up and blasted a hole in the sky into the Fade. He claimed he was pretty much operating on theory and guesswork when he though her mark could close rifts, but he was right. His wards on the mark - which he'd touched up again yesterday - did a great job at making the stupid thing hurt less.

But if this was so unfamiliar to him, how could he do all that?

On the other hand, Amy was also certain that Cassandra and especially Leliana had asked those questions, and had answers. She should probably ask Cassandra, actually. If they thought Solas was involved in any way, they'd have taken care of him already. They threw her in a cell before she even woke up, so back when the Breach had first opened up, they were clearly in the 'jail first, questions later' mindset.

"For a while, after I first left the Order, I started to wonder if the stories about how bad old Tevinter was were just made worse, for Templars to justify all their bullshit." Katerina added. "But I started reading more about it, looking for people like Brother Genitivi or people who disagreed with the Templars on somethings." She shook her head.

"No, they really work fucking monsters. They killed thousands of people in blood magic rituals on pointless vanity projects. Not to mention all the people they killed to enter the Fade and bring the Blights on us all. And just the mundane stuff. Their highways, built across Thedas, on the bones of slaves worked to death in the quarries during the construction."

"That's just - how can they be - that's evil, but it's also - how could they be so obscenely wasteful?" Amy shook her head. "I mean, back home, we don't - we don't have slaves anymore, but we do have rich assholes not providing as much safety for their workers as they should, but I mean - I've never heard of a factory or even a coal mine having thousands of people die a month!"

Amy's mouth opened and closed silently as she tried to process all of this. It wasn't really working, so instead she looked over at Katerina while she tried, and instead her mind drifted a little - probably because she didn't want to think about thousands of people being worked to death every month, or thousands

She'd finally taken Katerina up on that 'Truce' and talked a bit more about books from Earth-Bet with her, and movies or TV shows she'd seen. She'd explained those the way she had with Josephine 'like plays you don't need to be at the theater to watch'. She'd talked about Star Wars, figuring that was the sort of story Katerina would be interested in the most.

Explaining the space stuff had been hard, but the thing about Star Wars was that the Force was basically magic, and the space stuff didn't really matter. It was basically just a fantasy epic in space, so she mentioned they were in space, but it was basically just flying fortresses and flying boats and ships anyway.

The core story though - that Katerina liked. She even liked Darth Vader's ending. Which was nice and emotional but like... twenty years of being the Empire's enforcer and murderer wasn't made up for by one nice thing at the end. As far as Amy was concerned, Luke shouldn't have been so ready to give Vader a chance... even if the guy saved the day by turning on the Emperor at the last possible moment.

Amy hadn't had the chance to explain the Prequels yet. She wasn't going to touch the Earth-Bet versions. They'd been an absolute mess of stupid choices, bad writing and nonsense. She didn't think the Aleph versions were like, amazing, and not better than the Original, but they were good.

(Vicky, somehow, had the poor taste to think the Bet versions were better. She actually thought Darth Jar Jar was a good plot point that made any sense at all. It was one of the few times her sister was actually, unequivocally in the wrong about something.)

"The very fact they're not slaves is likely the biggest factor. At Tevinter's height, if a slave died, there were more where that came from." Solas explained. "It was cheaper to work a slave to death and buy a new one, then it was to keep that slave alive for years. I have seen the memories in the fade of Magisters making that very choice." He sighed, set his jaw, and kept going, speaking with what felt like real conviction, even a bit of righteous anger in his words.

"The powerful exploit the powerless all over Thedas, and they always have, but slavery is a unique degradation - to be a slave isn't to be a person, it is to be property. You can't control where or what you eat, how you eat, where you sleep, how you dress, even your ability to connect with your fellow person is ultimately entirely at the whim of your owner. Slaves could only marry with the permission of their masters, slaves could be raped with abandon by their owners. Every minute of existence is subject to the whims of their owner." He inhaled sharply, and Amy actually saw his hand balling into a fist for a moment.

"Even the meanest serf in the most remote parts of Orlais has more right to dignity and life than any slave in any realm, or any era has. Even the small moments of comfort a slave might have were tainted by the fact that they were entirely on the whims of their owners. At best, a slave was a treasured pet - a thing to be taken care of, yes, even regarded well or loved, but still entirely subject to the master's whims and desires. At worst, a tool, and a disposable one at that.." Solas finished and Amy stared at him for a moment longer, still sort of processing.

"I... fuck." Amy said after a moment. "I mean, I knew slavery was bad, but I never - I mean... I never thought about all that in detail. It was just 'slavery is bad, moving on'." Had Solas been a slave in Tevinter? Or had he just seen all this over and over again in the Fade and it had gotten to him?

It was interesting to know there was something that really animated him though. And Slavery... fuck, the existence of it in Tevinter was super fucking evil, and - there wasn't anything she could do about it. The rest of Thedas hated and distrusted Tevinter and still couldn't get rid of them.

"There are many subjects where debate and nuance is merited, where morality is complicated and considering carefully before making a judgement is the right course. Slavery is not one of them." Solas said after a breath, his voice calmer again.

Well, that's not true. She agreed about slavery, but most of the time, right was right and wrong was wrong. The problem was that most people just didn't want to do what was right. They were too weak, or too afraid, or too selfish. Or all three, in Amy's case, sometimes.

Katerina opened her mouth to say something, but before she could, Cassandra and Varric returned.

"I have booked us passage on a fast vessel heading to Val Royeaux," Cassandra explained. "It leaves in an hour, so we shouldn't linger."

"And she didn't even get overcharged that much once they realized she was in a hurry." Varric added. "I might have had a hand with that." He smirked and winked. Cassandra let out a frustrated scowl. "I told you not to let any captains know you're in a hurry, Seeker. People always charge more when they know you're desperate."

"We needed to make sure we were dealing with a fast ship that wasn't going to be waiting here for long," Cassandra explained.

"There are ways to do both of those things. You really should have let me handle the negotiations."

Cassandra growled again, then, ignored him and looked back towards Amy, Katerina and Solas, then repeated herself: "Come, we shouldn't linger."