Amy Dallon, Herald of Andraste

[Kylia Quilor]

Aura theory isn't actually canon (and more importantly, isn't true in this fic), but it probably didn't help with all the other stuff going on with Amy, yeah.

 

[Foxfax]

Yeah, that's more like what I meant. Amy felt the way she felt, but Fragile One wanting everyone to love Vicky like it does and Shaper whispering about war crimes turned what probably would have been an honestly pretty toxic love and affection more so because powers make everything worse in Worm.

 

[ChaosSlimeKing]

Poor Amy, being one of the most literal examples of Doomed Toxic Yuri really is hell. Really impressive emotional terror portrayal, great writing.

Though I can't wait for Josephine to be like, "Your sister? Your adopted sister? No actual blood relation? Oh honey, that's comparatively innocent compared to the debauchery of the nobles and their twisted incest filled family trees. You have got nothing to be ashamed of, no sit down and try this new coffee bean I was able to smuggle in with Varric's help."

Thanks for another great chapter, till next time

 

[Kylia Quilor]

Author's Note: Cole is hard to do justice too, especially when there's more than one person for him to read and he should honestly be chiming in more, rather than politely waiting for his conversational turn.

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---

When Amy had given Cassandra her promise to essentially hold the other woman to account as long as Cassandra did the same to her, she hadn't expected to need to be doing it in six hours. She hadn't expected to need it at all really, but she'd agreed because Cassandra asked.

After making that promise, Amy had withdrawn into silence, dark thoughts still circling around in her mind, but she had held onto the thin thread that was the promise Cassandra had given her.

Cassandra is a good person. And - and she'll - she'll stop me if I do something wrong and - and - and -

Her secret had been revealed, her worst, darkest secret, and the truth about her biological father, and Cassandra still didn't hate her. The woman still, somehow believed in her. Amy wanted to believe it meant maybe, just maybe there was a chance that there was hope for her, and... and somehow...

Somehow Amy actually did believe it.

Not that there was hope for her. Amy knew better than to believe that.

But she did believe that there was a chance there was hope for her.

And there was a difference.

There was!

"...The Templars leaders went and ate Red Lyrium! They - the officers were probably onboard with working for Corypheus, a fucking darkspawn magister who blew up the Conclave. And we're just going to - act like none of that happened?" Cassandra had said Katerina blew up at her, in so many words, over her choice and -

Amy could barely believe it, given how reverent Katerina had seemed to be of 'Lady Pentaghast' but for one, Cassandra wouldn't have lied about that and two, there had been that comment by Katerina, implying she didn't think Cassandra was perfect which - didn't fit with what she'd said just a few days ago on the way to this stupid fucking fortress.

But then, this is Katerina. She's made hating the Templars her whole fucking personality. Not without good reason, because the Templars fucking sucked, but still. Vicky hated Empire 88, but it wasn't the only thing she thought about.

So - Yeah. I guess I can believe it. But that left the question of how she felt about it.

And Amy... Whatever else, Amy would never be able to hate the Templars as much as Katerina did. Plus, even with six hours of... not rest, but... something, Amy didn't have remotely the energy left to get upset about it right now.

"I would hardly say that's possible, even if I wanted to do that," Cassandra said calmly. "For one, the officers behind all that are dead, fled or in the case of Knight-Captain Denam, imprisoned."

Amy felt a momentary flare of anger at Denam. Well no, not a 'flare' but a fucking eruption of rage that made her very much want him dead. She recoiled as the rage ebbed away, pressing her back against the wall. Shaper. That has to be Shaper. Her power didn't like the Taint, she was certain of that.

Broken clocks...

"I told the Templars this is their chance to reclaim their honor, the honor of the Order. There was a time when they were looked to as protectors and saviors, when they lived up to their oaths." Cassandra continued. "I believe they can be that again."

Amy swallowed, then exhaled slowly.

She wasn't upset about this, really. Maybe - maybe she would have been, if she had the energy. She -

"I was thinking of suggesting disbanding the Order completely." Amy said finally. "I mean, I guess you're right that all the people who went in for Red Lyrium and serving a Darkspawn with a God Complex are dead or not part of the Templars anymore, but - none of that changes them agreeing to come to Therinfal and just... chill for months, while the Breach was in the sky. Starting a war just because they wanted to oppress mages more." There was no heat to her words, her tone probably sounding calm, but -

I'm not being reasonable about this shit, I'm just -

Tired.

"Katerina did suggest you were interested in disbanding the Order, after the fact." Cassandra said. "She was very angry on your behalf, about how she believed I acted against your intention."

"I never actually told you. I didn't tell Katerina either."

"She said you told her that we didn't need the Order and that she was right to leave it? That's what Katerina said anyway, and it seemed unlikely she'd lie."

Amy rubbed at her eyes, pinching the bridge of her nose, "That - I think I said something like that. It's all... god, fuck me, it's all a blur at this point." She needed real sleep. She probably wasn't going to get that any time soon though. Not -

Not knowing Shaper was there, in her mind. And -

And some part of her was still expecting the judgement from Cassandra, from Katerina. She - Cassandra had made her position super clear and Amy trusted Cassandra to be honest and - but -

She still felt it. That twinge. That fear.

She believed there was a chance at hope. But that was it. It was all she could let herself have. A chance. The hope itself wasn't real but that chance...

"The choice wasn't in your hands at the time, Amy," Cassandra pointed out. "And - it's not exactly your choice either."

"No, it's not." Amy agreed. "If it was my choice it would mean I'm in charge of everything and that's the last thing I need right now." She let out a shuddering breath, closed her eyes again and inhaled again. Then another slow, deep exhale and inhale.

"I would have given you a chance to speak, had you been able to," Cassandra promised her, and Amy swallowed.

"Thank you," Amy paused, considering. "I - Okay, so - I... I don't like this. I really dont fucking like this. I might even hate it, I'm not sure. But I - I don't have the mental energy to get angry and - It's not like I don't trust your judgement, Cassandra." She did. And even if she hadn't already had such solid trust in the other woman, the trust Cassandra was extending to her... it was worth something in turn, right?

"I do trust it. Your judgement, I mean," Amy added quickly, clarifying.

"I know you do. But it is something I would not take for granted." Cassandra answered. She stood up, and then reached a hand down to Amy. "You should get some sort of breakfast. We can talk as we walk." Amy accepted Cassandra's hand, getting a read on the woman's biology, since she wasn't wearing any gloves, at the moment. "The truth is, Amy, I am still unsure if letting the Order stand is the best choice. They have no real leaders at this point. Perhaps some of the officers that remained at the Ostwick Circle, but I imagine it's likely that the ones here at Therinfal would be... hesitant to accept their orders."

It took Amy a few moments to remember that the Circle in the city of Ostwick had largely sat out the rebellion, as had the Templars there. It was one of those places where tensions between mages and Templars weren't supposed to be that bad. Some people had filtered out to one side or the other, sure, but not the majority of either.

But the mages there also didn't really put themselves under Vivienne's banner either. Amy wondered if Josephine would be able to get the Ostwick mages to sign on with the Inquisition in some form now that they'd made an alliance with the rebel mages.

"I mean, isn't the whole thing about the Templars that they're supposed to follow orders? That's their whole damn problem, the system being set up to make people follow orders, get rid of the ones that question orders too much, or at least shuffle them away, and people higher up the chain can cover for people below."

"That is one of the problems that crept into the Order, yes." Cassandra agreed as they left the room and stepped out into the hallway. Amy legs felt... not weak exactly, but she didn't feel like she could walk very quickly, and she didn't try, Cassandra getting ahead of her - and then looking back and matching her pace.

"So... who cares if they don't want to take orders from officers in Ostwick? That's whose left, right?" If they were going to keep the order, then shouldn't the slightly less bad than the rest Templars be in charge?

"A reasonable point." Cassandra said after consideration, nodding her head. "That is also related to something else I was going to say, however: - the Order may still exist, but they are gutted, leaderless. You have pointed out that the weakness and disunity in the Chantry poses an excellent chance for both mages and Templars to be able to negotiate new terms. The same holds true now for the state of the Order entirely."

Amy furrowed her brow. "That... that's true. Josephine and you and Leliana and Cullen are all in a position to convince whoever's left to change things." Though she doubted they'd have an easy time coming to an agreement about what that would be. Leliana and Cullen almost certainly had very different ideas about what the Templars should be like. And Cassandra probably had a third one.

She didn't like this. She really didn't like this. But - she couldn't get heated about it. Not right now. And - and the fact remained that she did trust Cassandra. Cassandra was a good person. She had a reason for doing this and - and they sounded like good ones and she made an argument that sounded good and again -

Cassandra deserves my trust. And it wasn't Amy's choice. And the last thing she wanted was for it to be her choice.

"You as well, Amy."

"Didn't you just say it wasn't my choice what happened to the Order?!"

"Not on your own, but the mere fact of your existence being seen as the Herald of Andraste means you have the influence to change things, Amy." Cassandra pointed out. "When I told the Templars that you had sought to ally with both the rebel mages and the Order, there was grumbling. There might have been more than that had Barris not pointed out that you are the Herald."

"I'm not." Amy complained uselessly. If I had a nickel for every time. She exhaled. "I should stop saying that, shouldn't I?"

"Amy, if you stopped protesting that you were not the Herald of Andraste, I would wonder if you had been replaced by an Envy Demon." Cassandra offered with a smile.

Goddamnit. That was a good point. "Just ask me to heal someone. Envy wouldn't have been able to take my power if it had taken my face."

"You're sure of that?"

"As sure as I can be without testing it." Amy licked her lips. "While Envy was in my head I - I learned something about how my power works. Where it came from. There's a lot I still don't get and I -" If I tell her, she'll - she'll think I'm possessed or -

No. Amy closed her eyes. She would tell Cassandra.

Just... not until she understood it. She wasn't sure how she would be able to, but...

Demons are creatures of the Fade, right? Envy pulled me into my own head. Solas does that whole... lucid dreaming in the Fade thing, right? There had to be a connection there. Amy had dreamed on Earth-Bet, and never run into Shaper but - the Fade's whole thing was a dimension of Dreams right? Was that the missing ingredient?

It made sense to Amy. She had no idea if it would work, or if she even could do the lucid dreaming in the Fade thing, or anything close but -

I hate the idea of explaining anything to Solas before Cassandra but... maybe I don't have to tell him that much either? Amy trusted Solas about as much a she trusted anyone on Thedas that wasn't Cassandra, Josephine or Katerina. But the man was...

He was on their side. Amy believed that. But he liked playing mysterious too much. Maybe just his persona, his demeanor, but...

"There's a lot I don't understand. I'm - I'm hoping I can figure more out. Because I... it's complicated, basically. But - if I can figure it out, I - I'll tell you." Amy promised Cassandra. "But what I did learn makes me pretty sure that Envy wouldn't be able to just... take it." Envy hadn't been able to 'hear' Shaper. Neither had Cole.

Something about spirits made them not... fit with whatever Shaper was?

My power being called Shaper makes sense, even if it's a bit on the nose... what about Vicky's power? Her power was absolute biokinesis... Vicky's was an Alexandria package, but it didn't actually work like Alexandria's power which was its own whole thing, now that Amy thought of it, half-remembered infodumps from Vicky about powers...

Something about even similar powers never working exactly the same... something something the differences between Crystal, Eric and Aunt Sarah and-

"That is useful to know." Cassandra cut in, and Amy blinked as she returned to the here and now. "You do not have to share what you learn, Amy."

"Maybe I don't have to, but I want to." Amy countered. "Just... once I know more." She closed her eyes. "Anyway, you said Barris said I was the Herald?"

Cassandra nodded, accepting the change in topic back to before. "He said that if you saw fit to ally with the rebel mages, then who were they to argue? And that if Corypheus had sought to use mage and Templar against one another, then working together against him was the best choice."

Okay. Point for Ser Barris.

"I guess Ser Barris gets to count as a slightly less shitty Templar than the rest." Amy exhaled. "That's a list that includes... maybe the people in Ostwick, and Barris and Katerina's old trainer Adrienne." She ticked off three fingers. "Anyone else?"

"I think our measures for a 'shitty' Templar are quite different, Amy." Cassandra didn't offer any names. "But in principle, I share the same concerns you do about the Order."

"You do?!"

"The Order made many mistakes... as did the Seekers of Truth," Cassandra said that last part more reluctantly, but Amy had heard Cassandra say as much before, and Cassandra's honesty was one of the many things she appreciated so much about the other woman.

"We both failed," Cassandra said after a pause. "And the problems that led to that failure in the Templars - viewing mages as the enemy, too many following orders too blindly, believing themselves above outsiders due to the nature of their duty... those problems are not all gone, Amy. Katerina would be shocked to hear it, but I also believe many of her concerns are well-founded."

"I can hear a 'but' coming." Well, that and she knew Cassandra couldn't agree with Katerina completely - or her - and still be all 'let's keep the Templars intact!', Which she had been.

"But," Cassandra said with a small snort, then her expression was grave again, "I do not believe that eliminating the Templars will work out as well as Katerina believes. Or as well as you might believe."

"I'll be honest, when I was thinking we should get rid of them, I wasn't thinking about the long term," Amy admitted. "Which is another reason the choice really shouldn't be up to me." She'd just been 'fuck the Templars, they suck, we don't need them'. More or less, anyway.

"If you believed it would be a complete disaster, you wouldn't propose it, regardless, Amy. You do consider the ramifications of what you do." Cassandra disagreed. "Not consciously perhaps, but..." she shook her head and trailed off. "The Templars have served for centuries as guardians of the Chantry, and the people and Mages. Abandoning the system entirely for something wholly unknown seems... foolish."

"And back home, they used to burn people for being left-handed or shit like that." Amy muttered. "Just because that's how you did things doesn't make it the best solution."

Cassandra pulled up short and stared at Amy, who walked right past Cassandra until she realized the other woman had stopped moving. "Burn people for being left handed? Surely you must be -"

"I don't know if they actually burned people," Amy admitted after a moment, taking a few steps backwards. "I know that people apparently used to think left-handed people were like... cursed by the Devil or whatever." Amy blinked, "The Devil is like... the manifestation of evil incarnate, or... something like that. Like God, but Evil."

Amy shook her head, "Not the point."

"...very true," Cassandra said, looking confused again. She shook her own head. "You are correct - the way things are done is not in of itself a reason to do it, on its own. But even if the Circles are replaced by something better, Blood Mages will exist. Some mages will decide that they want power over others more than they want to be good people. You can agree with that, no?"

"Of course. Some people are just shitty assholes, Just... evil. We've been over that."

"We have. But if you can agree that it will still be a problem, then you can agree that whatever else, the Templars serve a purpose. One that would be harder to serve if they were abolished entirely."

"All you need is someone to do the job. You don't need the Templar Order to do it," Amy disagreed.

Cassandra nodded, "There is truth to that, but..." she paused, then, "You have spoken of the group of people without powers that assists the heroes of your world in combating villains and their minions... the P R T." Cassandra didn't quite stumble over the acronym, but Thedas didn't really understand the concept of acronyms - once explained, most people understood the notion, but they didn't come naturally to anyone here. "If they were dissolved tomorrow, someone could do the work they do, yes, but it would take time for their replacement to be as effective, no?"

I think two toddlers with a pair of tin cans tied together with string could do better than PRT ENE. Amy knew she was being unfair. The Bay was a goddamn nightmare. 'America's largest open-air asylum' she'd seen it called on PHO once, and that sounded about right. The PRT did what they could, and Amy knew the Bay would be worse without Armsmaster and Miss Militia and so on, and the PRT played an important role in all that.

"Yeah, I guess." Amy admitted.

"And of more... political concern is the fact that people are used to the Templars." Cassandra grimaced. "They know what the Order is, and how to regard it. Convincing the Chantry and the nobles to accept an end to the Templar Order would be... difficult. More so than mere changes." Cassandra made one of her trademark disgusted noises, that little 'ugh' sound. Amy couldn't help but smile a moment as she heard it.

I feel like if an Envy demon tried to replace Cassandra, it wouldn't get that right at all. Probably not that simple, and Amy's power, in theory, would make detecting Envy Demons easy in the future, as long as she touched them...

But she also didn't want to touch another one of these things again, if it meant she'd have one visit her head again.

If she never had an experience like the one she'd had where Envy had plundered through her mind ever again, it would be too soon.

"More than ending the Circles?"

"I think it might make it harder to convince the Chantry and the nobility to accept the dissolution of the Circles if the shield that protects the south from magic run amok is destroyed." Cassandra said. "And I suspect you would prefer ending the Circles than the Order."

"Yeah. That would be true." Templars sucked. But the Circles were just evil. Harrowing was evil. Amy could get behind the idea of a test to see if you could resist a demon, especially now that she'd had one in her own fucking head, but -, but a test where failure was death and not taking it led to fucking Tranquility! - was evil. Penning mages up like prisoners. Creating a system that was so fucking ripe for abuse -

The Templars suck. The Order sucks. And its whole system is pretty shit. Buit...

Cassandra wasn't wrong about the fact that the Order was pretty damaged, and it would look different once it was done being rebuilt, at least in theory. And - and if there were no Circles, and mages had more... options, essentially, would Templars even be in a position to do as much bad shit?

I don't think so...

Like, the rebel mages wouldn't agree to anything that put Templars in the same sort of position of power over a mage, right? Yes Templars as magical cops needed to exist but that was different then the judge, jury and executioner deal they'd had going.

Give mages a place in judging their own. The rebel mages in Redcliffe had somehow managed to avoid being overrun by blood magic and abominations after all.

Cassandra had good points and Amy - Amy believed in her and wanted to believe in her and her belief in Cassandra had worked out before.

Amy rubbed at her temples. "Alright. I guess that's that. I still don't like it, and if I had more energy maybe I would argue with you about it more but... I don't. Besides, I can't change the decision that was made anyway, and I do trust you Cassandra. And you make good points." She closed her eyes, exhaled, and then, "And that is more than enough thinking for like... the next week, okay? Nothing serious or important, please."

Cassandra smiled a little, "I shall do my best, Amy."

---

Actually arranging to get the survivors out of Therinfal with enough supplies and so forth was easier said than done. In the end, it had been decided it would be done in phases. Ser Barris would lead a group of the most skilled at countering magic to travel back to Haven with Amy and everyone who had come with her. The rest would follow up a few days or possibly even nearly a week, depending, behind.

But in the process of making that decision and then getting ready - packing up supplies, loading up horses and wagons and burning the bodies of the Red Lyrium infected Templars, Amy had finished all the healing on the surviving Templars, including all the finicky and complicated arm reconstructions. And Knight-Captain Denam had been judged guilty in a Court Martial after refusing to share more information about what Corypheus was up to (he pleaded not knowing) and then executed for his murder of the Knight-Vigilant.

Denam had declared the Court-Martial invalid because there weren't enough real officers, but Barris and a Sergeant named Sorin, whom Katerina seemed to know had argued that the rules of the Order allowed for situations when sufficient officers of high enough rank weren't available, and that Denam's own words damned him. Denam hadn't really tried to deny the murder when confronted with it, and so he'd been executed.

Amy hadn't been sure how to feel about that. The Death Penalty was not something she opposed. She knew that pretty well. And a Court Martial was like... not some arbitrary process. There had been a formal trial and Denam given the chance to argue in his defense - and he had, ranting about how he'd tried to give Templars a purpose before they died, or... something. It had been incoherent.

But equally, she had wanted to see if it was possible to expel the Red Lyrium from someone, and get a better look at the effects of Tainted Lyrium on someone. And maybe they could have learned more about Corypheus from him.

On the other hand, the guy's bloodstream and organs were both filled with magic not-actually-rocks infected with the nightmare plague from hell, so... probably better to just kill him and burn the body, since he had been judged guilty....

With that done, there'd been a few other bits and pieces to get done, but then, three days after Envy's defeat, they'd been ready and Therinfal ready to be abandoned. It was too remote a castle to be of value to the Templars or the Inquisition at the current point in time.
And so, they'd set out. They were two days out from Therinfal now, and Amy had, fortunately, not had to deal with anything more important than healing some people, and thinking about how to handle Lyrium withdrawal and how she could heal it.

She still wasn't sure she could. She wanted to try on Cullen first, see what her handling of the non-brain related symptoms could do, see how he took it and then she could offer it to Templars who wanted to leave the Order, if any did.

Do it in the time between closing the Breach and going home.

If she could.

The more Amy thought about it, the more she wondered if it was possible.

Well, no. Powers could do all kinds of bullshit. If Professor Haywire was here, he could have gotten back to Earth-Bet, Amy was sure. That kind of shit was his whole thing, right?

But short of him, or another parahuman who could do dimensional bullshit... could magic send her home? She wasn't -

She'd talked to Solas about it, and he'd said he had no idea, but he'd give it some thought. Dorian might have some idea of where to start.

Though if it turns out I have to get some goddamn Tevinter Magister on my side, I will not be happy. Was going home worth appeasing some slave-owning piece of shit?

Amy swallowed as she realized the first answer that came to mind was 'it depends'.

If it meant healing some Tevinter Magisters and their families? She'd hate every second of it, but...

Amy shook her head.

I have enough problems right now that I don't need to invent new ones. Somehow, Katerina and Cassandra were still treating her the same, despite knowing her secret. Katerina hadn't poked at her since then, but Amy hadn't gotten 'caught in her own head' much since either, so who knew if she was actually going to be free of Katerina's prodding for long?

Knowing her, probably not.

Cole hadn't shown up since Envy had been beaten, or at least, he hadn't shown up where Amy could see or remember him.

Fucking Strangers. Amy only knew parts of the full M/S protocol, and most of them were pretty hard to use when it came to Cole. She was going to try to write down next time she saw him, or something, if she saw him.

I feel like he's coming. He said he wanted to help. Stop people from hurting. That's what we're doing, right?

Amy pushed that aside as she found Solas standing alone by the edge of camp, doing... whatever it was Solas did. Thinking deep and profound thoughts about whatever stuff he found while dreaming in the Fade, probably.

Or maybe just being Professionally Mysterious.

Whichever.

"I'm afraid I haven't had any specific insight into how you might return home since you asked yesterday," Solas said, not turning around to look at her.

Okay, yeah, he's just doing it to be mysterious.

"That's not what I wanted to talk about," Amy shook her head. "I wanted to ask you about how you stay conscious in the Fade when you dream and if there's a way I could do it too."

Solas looked at her, and while he controlled his expression well, there was something about the way his head tilted that made Amy think she'd actually surprised him.

"There are ways I could take you into the Fade with me," Solas said. "They're not that difficult, although they do require a certain measure of trust."

There's the problem. Amy didn't exactly trust Solas. She didn't not trust him, but -

On the other hand, she didn't think he was going to like, betray her or the Inquisition, she trusted him that much but -

With the truth about Shaper? Hell no. Not until she understood it better.

"I - is there a way I can do it without you?" Amy asked. She held up her hand. "It's not really about trust. I mean - I trust you're on our side, Solas, in terms of closing the Breach and stopping Corypheus and all that, but this isn't -" Amy cut herself off, trying to figure out a way to explain what she wanted without telling Solas too much. "This isn't about how you walk the Fade to study the history of a place. It's kind of a cool thing that you can do that, but I'm not asking to be able to do that too."

Solas held his staff with both hands, not quite leaning on it, but the posture he adopted was reminiscent of that, anyway...

"Perhaps it would be easier to tell you if I can help you if I knew what you wanted then?" Solas suggested. "Mages can and do remain conscious while they dream in the Fade with minimal effort, sometimes without even choosing to. Those without magic generally cannot."

"I feel like the word 'generally' is doing a lot of the heavy lifting there, since you just told me you could take me into the Fade with you," Amy gave him a sour look, rolling her eyes. Then she took a breath. "When Envy invaded my mind, it sort of... kicked loose something. Like an old memory. Kind of." Not kind of, but it was the best lie she could think of.

"I've been in Thedas for months, and that was the first time this... kicked loose. But I also usually don't remember my dreams, lately." Because the dreams she remembered were usually her nightmares, and she had a lot less of those in Thedas, overall. She also slept better. "Envy didn't exactly take me into the Fade, but I saw green fire around us as it sort of 'pulled' me into my own... mindscape or whatever that was."

"Green fire like the rifts," Solas followed her thought. "Envy Demons, like most demons, would prefer to spy from within the Fade itself, learning the mind of someone from their dreams. Most mages who make deals with demons do so while conscious in the Fade as they sleep. But while it did not take you into the Fade, it did in essence cast you into the... imprint, your mind leaves in the Fade."

"The imprint my mind leaves in the Fade?"

"Precisely." Solas said. "The Fade is the world of dreams, impressions, feelings and concepts. Some would say it is the source of all emotion and creativity." Amy scoffed a little at that, since she knew that was bullshit. There was no 'Fade' on Earth Bet and people had emotions and creativity. Solas went on, his words implying he agreed with her that it was bullshit. "I am not sure it is that simple, but given that the act of making someone Tranquil does remove their ability to feel, there is a connection."

"Maybe here, but not back home. No Fade on Earth-Bet," Amy supplied, and Solas bowed his head in a very small nod. "But this... imprint thing? What do you mean?"

"Imagine the Fade as... sand, perhaps. If you were to lie down on sand, you would sink, just a touch, and shift the sand to accommodate your shape." Solas explained. "When you sleep, your mind shifts the Fade around it, akin to the way your body will move the sand. And even when you get up from where you laid down in the sand, for a time, there will be an imprint where you laid."

Depends on the sand, and how long until the wind or water or whatever shows up. But Amy followed his example.

"And so even when we wake up, we leave an imprint in the Fade?"

"More or less, yes."

"So I was taken into the Fade by Envy? Mentally anyway?"

"I have not personally experienced what you did at the hands of Envy, so it is difficult to say for sure. The nature of the Veil however, makes me believe that you were more taken into a space... between, for lack of a better term, the Fade, and our waking world."

And the difference is...? Amy exhaled slowly. "Alright, I guess that all tracks well enough, and that does give me more reason to think that if I was able to... consciously dream in the Fade, I could... get another look at the thing Envy shook loose."

"You are not going to elaborate on the nature of this 'thing'?" Solas asked, unflappable and unbothered as always. What was it that actually got him to react? He doesn't like slavery, which... valid. And he really does like studying the Fade, I've seen him get... some kind of positive emotion, even if it's muted when he talks about that. Was there anything else where I've really seen him show much emotion? Maybe when he'd been confused and seemingly annoyed all those times Amy proved to be incurious about powers?

And now I'm curious about my power and I'm not telling him I am.

"Not until I understand it more, at least," Amy said.

"Very well." Solas said nothing for a long moment. "There are certain magics that can allow a non-mage to walk in the Fade in their sleep. It is not magic known to the Circles, though some Dalish clans retain knowledge of some of the techniques."

"And you know them too? From your journeys in the Fade?" Amy surmised.

"I do," Solas nodded. "The simplest would be a potion that would put you into a state of active dreaming in the Fade, able to be conscious of your own dreams, and even step outside of them if you desire, into the wider Fade."

That sounds promising. Too promising.

"There's a 'but' coming, isn't there?" Amy raised an eyebrow. "If it was that simple, you'd have offered this potion first?"

"There are complications, yes. First and foremost, while none of the ingredients are especially rare, save one, I don't have any of them to hand. I believe even the rare one would be available in Haven, but you would have to wait until then."

Frustrating, but... not the end of the world, I guess. Amy gestured for him to go on, because it sounded like there was another problem.

"Secondly, the mind of a non-mage is not really meant to wander the Fade, or be conscious in it. Something about the quality of having magic insulates the mind and soul from the Fade's... allure, for lack of a better word."

"Allure?"

"The Fade is a world where ideas and dreams are given form. And where demons will show you whatever you want, or try to, in order to get what they want from you. Thedosian legends abound of stories of mortals who got lost in the Fade in one manner or another, coming to prefer that to the waking world. There is some truth to those stories, in theory."

Dreams and ideas given form... Amy closed her eyes at the first thought that came to mind at that idea. A world where she could - where Vicky -

Nope. Nope. Nope. NO! Amy covered her face and pulled her hands down slowly, exhaling.

"Okay." She said after a long moment. "I can see the problem. Or potential problem anyway. So... what's the solution?"

"It will not be safe for you to drink the potion more often than once a month, at most. I would suggest every five weeks to be safer. You are strong-willed for your age, and your ability to fend off Envy, even with the help of that spirit you mentioned suggests you can resist the allure of the Fade better than most-"

"Envy kept showing me all the wrong things," Amy muttered. "Really. Stupid demon thought I wanted my sister's boyfriend and her place as one of the popular girls at school. It assumed I had to Envy her because I thought about her a lot."

"As I believe I told you once, a spirit or demon embodies their concept. An Envy demon only really understands envy. In the Fade, they prefer to naturally seek out those who have enough envy to be of use. But in trying to force the issue with you..." Solas trailed off. "Regardless, I think it is better to be safe. Spacing it out will make it harder for you to find yourself lost in the false realities the Fade could offer, and better at separating truth from illusion."

"And, it would be best if you took it with someone to hand to watch you, and wake you from your sleep forcibly after a certain period of time." Solas concluded. "The potion will put you to sleep quite quickly, regardless of the time of day, which means taking it during the day would be likely best."

"Better than expecting someone to stay up all night to wake me up after a few hours. Or less?"

"No more than a few hours would be best, especially for a first foray. With practice, perhaps you could do longer, but I would not risk it."

"Alright." Amy exhaled slowly, hands on her hips, looking around past Solas for a long moment, biting her lower lip. She felt like this was too easy, but on the other hand, was it? "And at least the first time, there's not much risk of me getting trapped?"

"For you, I suspect not. Especially if you have someone to hand to wake you. I would be willing to perform the task, but if you would rather the Seeker or Katerina do so, I would understand."

"I'm not sure I want to explain this too much to either of them, until I have some answers," Amy admitted.

She did want to talk to Cassandra about it, once she understood it. She'd promised Cassandra honesty, and she would give it to the other woman, just... she wanted to understand it so she could explain it.

So Cassandra didn't think Amy was possessed. Because - and Amy had no goddamn idea if this was true - Amy was pretty sure she wasn't. She was - she was pretty sure she could blame some of the most monstrous ideas that had come to her mind unbidden, for horrible things she could create, terrible ways she could kill people were Shaper's fault. But Shaper couldn't make her do anything.

When I told Shaper I hated it, it said 'receprocation'. Amy's own power hated her.

Because of course it did. Of course she'd somehow ended up with an asshole power that wanted to murder people in horrible gross ways and also hated her, probably because she didn't want to do that. You know, like a sane person.

I'll bet Vicky's power loves her. Because everyone should love Vicky, obviously, but also because... well, Vicky wasn't fucking pathetic like Amy was.

When I get home, if I can learn more about Shaper, I can tell everyone about what I learned... if anyone will believe me. Vicky would, but source: 'My sister drank a magic potion and talked to her power' was probably right up there with source: 'Trust Me, Bro' in terms of reliability.

Still. Maybe once people knew to look, they could look and find a way to talk to powers without magic.

Was there a Dream Tinker? Tinkers were bullshit, but Amy hadn't heard of one that could like... give people custom dreams or something. But she wouldn't be surprised if one existed.

"I'll think about it. I... should probably tell Cassandra what I'm doing beforehand, just as a heads up. And you're sure there's like... no other risks?"

"You'll almost certainly have a headache afterwards, and possibly be nauseous, as if seasick," Solas offered, and Amy sighed.

"Figures. Nothing can be simple in Thedas, can it?"

"Are things simple on your world? I find life itself tends to be complicated."

Amy opened her mouth, closed it, then, "Things feel simpler back home," she finally said. "And if nothing else, most of the villains are pretty obvious about being evil. If Envy was a cape back on Earth-Bet, it would be some dude with an all black costume and cackling about how he's going to make people's yearnings come to life. Call himself Captain Envy or The Envymaster or whatever."

"Captain Envy? The Envymaster?" Solas's usually cool, collected and unflappable tone was... flapped. He sounded genuinely disgusted at the idea of those names.

"Oh, back home, the stupid names are inescapable. There's so many capes all the good names get taken. There's a hero who goes by Chubster for fuck's sake."

"Chubster? And he is-"

"Fat? Yeah." Or so Vicky had said, anyway, and she'd done the research. "His power makes him like... really tough the slower he is, and he can slow down people and things around him. I think, anyway. Something like that."

"Once more I find myself... Fascinated by the range of powers heroes and villains in your world seem to possess. They are eclectic, to say the least."

"Random bags of bullshit you mean?" Amy chuckled. "As far as anyone can tell, no two people's powers are exactly the same. They may end up working the same in practice, but every single person has slightly different powers. According to the reading Vicky did, anyway."

"There are times, Amy, when I find myself hoping that if I am able to find a way for you to return to your world, it allows for easy travel back and forth. I should like to visit, and perhaps speak to your sister, or have her come here. But I doubt she would wish to come to Thedas permanently, and I would not like to be in a world without the Fade for an extended period either, I think.

"No. Vicky wouldn't like to stay here forever. Leaving aside our family, her friends, her stupid boyfriend, there's hot and cold running water and TVs and online research journals and all that fun stuff. But I could see her wanting to visit. This place has people Vicky could wreck completely guilt free." Amy could just imagine Vicky running into some Tevinter slavers. The thought of them all being left with broken bones and pulped legs and all that shit made a smile form on her face.

Vicky would be doing so much better than me, here. Honestly, in that period between Vicky's trigger and her own, Amy had reflected more than once that her sister would do great in a fantasy world, with orcs or other 'go ahead and be as violent as you want' enemies. She could just charge in, kill the monsters, save the day. Save a handsome prince from a dragon or something like that.

Well, no. Not a dragon. No killing any dragons. Amy frowned as she had that thought and then, Oh God, is the whole reason I find dragons interesting Shaper's fault too? Is - GAH!

What, when it was connected to her power, was even her own goddamn thought?

"Of course, whenever I do hope for the ability to travel back and forth, I am reminded of the many horrors of your world. Some seem manageable by magic, not more mundane methods... others, less so." He pulled his hands off his staff, letting it stand in the ground, either stuck in the dirt or maybe being kept up with magic, she wasn't sure. "On balance, it seems like it might be best for Thedas that your trip back home be one-way."

"Yeah. Probably." Amy exhaled. She bit her lip.

She wanted to go home. She needed to see her sister again. She - she had responsibilities back home. A family. A team. And -

And she did miss them. Even Carol. But it was Vicky most of all she wanted to see again.

Because Vicky was her sister! Because even just having her as a sister was more than enough for anyone.

But you're still greedy. You still want more. Amy pressed her hands against her head, the little voice of insecurity in the back her mind sounding like Envy's, like Envy pretending to be her, with the distortion and -

Amy's breath caught.

What if there was like... a piece of Envy in her, somehow? Like in Harry Potter, when Voldemort split his soul into all those things - why couldn't Amy remember what they were called? - and so a bunch of items had a piece of himself and then wasn't there a piece of the guy in Harry? What if -

You're being a paranoid idiot. Okay, that one sounded more like her normal inner voice but -

"Okay, dumb question, because I'm probably being a paranoid idiot, but is there a way you can check to make sure there's like... no piece of Envy in my head, trying to mess with me or -" Amy started, and Solas nodded, interrupting her before she could start babbling - already her voice had started moving quicker and -

"It's a simple enough spell, though not a widely known one." He held his hand out over her, and the hand glowed. "Give me your hand," he held his own out, and after a moment, Amy held her hand out. He took it in his left hand, held his right over her, pressing down on the skin a moment, casting another spell, and he let go of her hand.

"You are free of any demonic possession or influence."

Of course, Shaper isn't a Demon.

"Good." Amy closed her eyes, let out a breath. I hate Thedas. I hate this world.

That was another reason she wanted to go home. Home made sense. Thedas had magic and demons and -

Maybe I could ask for a dragon egg and take that home with me? Was that a thing? Did people just... have dragon eggs? Or was that one of those things people didn't actually have because mother dragons protected their nests? They didn't seem to protect their young, given those Dragonlings running around on the Storm Coast, or the Dragonlings that Hawke had fought in the Bone Pit, but-

Even Dragons aren't worth staying here forever. Nothing is.

Not even - Amy licked her lips and...

She was going to miss Cassandra. Josephine. Even Katerina.

I might even miss Varric a little. He grew on you. Like moss on a rock or something.

But she had to go home, once the Breach was closed and they didn't need her, didn't need the mark on her hand.

"Thank you for checking. And thank you for being willing to make the potion once we get to Haven."

"You are welcome. Before you go, I did have one question - the spirit you mentioned, the one that helped you cast Envy out of your mind. Have you seen it since we left Therinfal?"

Amy blinked. "Uhm... no?" she wracked her mind. "At - at least I don't remember seeing him. For what that's worth. Do you think he came with us?"

"I think it's quite likely. Since you mentioned its presence, I have been using a combination of magic and... memory tricks, for lack of a better term in the common tongue, to keep a watch for spirits. I am reasonably sure it has been present and that it has made me forget at least once."

"Why do you call Cole 'it'?" Cole seemed distinctly male in a way Envy hadn't. Was it because Envy had changed forms constantly, male or female, and Cole had kept the one form the whole time?

"You called Envy 'it'? Why not this Cole? Spirits lack a gender. Whatever they present as is purely a matter of illusory form, as likely to be a result of the mortal perceiving the spirit as the spirit's own choices. A Desire demon would not show up as a woman to someone who had no interest in women." Solas paused, "Not so long as sexual or romantic desire was the path they intended to use, anyway."

"Do spirits usually give themselves names?" Cole had, but Envy had just called itself 'Envy' the Justice spirit that had possessed Anders was 'Justice'

"No." Solas inclined his head, as if conceding a point. "But," he countered, "someone else may have given it the name. That has been known to happen, especially if the spirit has interacted with mortals long enough or frequently enough. Dalish legends, for instance, speak of a desire demon called Imshael. Possessed of significant knowledge despite being a desire demon, Imshael is said to be a master trickster, capable of fooling people into making deals with it without even realizing it. The name Imshael appears to have been given to the demon by the Dalish, or possibly the Elves of Arlathan."

"And a spirit will just take the name?"

"Sometimes. Names are... interesting. They provide a constraint and a limit, and yet they also provide a certain freedom to exist in that name." Solas said that like it made any sense at all and it probably did to him, but not to Amy.

And Amy didn't feel like asking him what he meant. So instead, she just shrugged. "Okay. Uhm... do you want me to tell you if I see Cole, and manage to remember him? Any suggestions on how to remember him?"

"Writing down that you're seeing him while you see him is a simple tactic. It is only marginally effective, but it is a step up from nothing," Solas suggested. If he was annoyed she didn't ask him what he meant about names, he didn't show it.

Solas's suggestion was something she'd already thought of herself, but then, he did say it was a simple option. How hard are those memory tricks to learn? Would they work against Strangers back home?

"I'll try to remember that," Amy said, and then snorted. "I didn't mean that as a joke."

"I did not think you did," Solas didn't smile, unflappable and unbothered.

"Right." She turned away, heading for her tent. "Thanks again. You may pull the mysterious man of mystery act too much, but you do help, a lot."

"...You're welcome?" Solas sounded like he was confused as if he should be offended or grateful.

Okay, so is that how you get him to stop being so unfazed? Confuse him into submission? Rolling her eyes and smiling a little, Amy continued to her tent.

---

When she told Solas that she would tell him if she did see Cole. she didn't expect to see the spirit within two hours of saying it.

But she'd been in her tent, trying and failing to read some more of The Tale of the Champion. Apart from that, the only fiction book she had to hand unread was that lesbian porn book she'd accidentally bought, and...

She had actually tried to give it another look, with the intent of skimming past the most sexual bits to see if there was actually any plot worth reading, but then she'd - her eyes had passed across a passage and -

And her mind had filled herself and Vicky into the scene and she'd had to hold herself back from vomiting as she'd realized what she was doing and so she'd stuffed the book back into the bottom of her bag.

I'm not burning it, but first chance I get I'm - I'm putting it somewhere far, far, far, far away from me. She'd offer it to Katerina, but she wasn't sure she wanted Katerina to tease her about having bought it by accident in the first place.

"Every time you think about her, you hurt." Cole's voice behind her made Amy jump out of her skin and nearly scream. "She's everything," Cole spoke quickly, in a lower voice, and putting that together with the last few times she'd heard him speak, she was realizing that was the voice he used when reading people's thoughts. "You ache, your heart needs her. You know she hurts, burns you, burns like the sun, sun like her hair, a halo of beautiful light. But you want her, you want her here, want-"

"Shut up!" Amy finally managed to interrupt, turning to look at the spirit. He looked exactly the same as the last time she'd seen him - complete with the stupid floppy hat. "I told you to stop reading my mind." Or close enough, anyway. The last thing she needed was Cole saying the wrong thing in front of people. Somehow, against all odds and all good sense, Cassandra and Katerina didn't hate her, even though they knew about her crush, and her father and the way her powers really worked. She - she could accept that somehow, they could see things that way, especially Cassandra, but it -

I can't count on everyone else to be wrong in the very specific, narrow way Cassandra is....

"I can't help it. Everyone's thoughts are so loud. Yours are harder to understand than most, but then they get even louder when you start repeating thoughts, circling, always circling," once again, that lower and faster voice, "over and over and over, thinking, trapped, no way out, need to find a way out, there is no way, no hope, trapped, there's no light at the end of the tunnel, if there is it's just a train-" Cole cut himself off suddenly and blinked, cocking his head to the side. "I don't understand what a train is."

"A fast moving machine made of metal that will kill a person if it hits them," Amy answered mostly because the sheer, blithe confusion on his face as he asked the question. Even knowing he could read her mind - not that he should - it hadn't occurred to her that he might pick up details from Earth-Bet he'd have even less understanding of than most of the people in Thedas.

The comment about circling - That was clearly the kind of thing that Katerina called 'getting stuck inside her own head'. Not that Katerina was right to always poke her about it, Amy -

It was hard to deny, especially after what had happened at Therinfal, that she sometimes spiraled, trapping herself in a repeating loop of the same thoughts over and over and over again...

She'd like to deny it, but -

"And it doesn't matter if you can't -" Amy started, raising her voice as she started to demand that Cole stop reading her mind, but then she cut herself off, blinking and tried to actually think for a second.

Cole wasn't human. And unlike elves and dwarves and Qunari, he straight up didn't think even a little like a human. Elves and dwarves seemed to be just as capable of the full range of human emotions and thoughts and shit. Iron Bull too, if he was at all representative of Qunari. But spirits, by definition, apparently, could not.

Justice (or Vengeance) could only understand Justice (or Vengeance) and that was it. Envy had ultimately viewed everything through the lens of Envy. Cole was that way too. Amy didn't know what he was a spirit of. 'Helping people' but that wasn't the technical term, probably.

That or he's a spirit of being a stalker creep with no sense of privacy... But Amy figured that was also probably not the right phrasing.

But whatever he was the spirit of, that's all he understood. So Amy would have to put it in a way that would make sense.

He wants to help people, and stop them hurting.

"Having people poke around in my head and then say what they find out, especially if there's anyone else around, only hurts me," Amy said tightly, finally, then exhaled slowly. "So don't do it." Then she added, "Please?"

"But you're hurting. How can I stop you from hurting if I don't know why?" Cole said it as if it made perfect sense, using the kind of 'logic' that only made sense to spirits, therapists and the clinically insane.

"By asking?" Amy snapped, the obtuseness of the question, even if he didn't mean it like that, probably, pissing her off. "Just ask. And then if someone doesn't want to talk, listen to that and stop." This was a futile effort, probably, but -

Cole stared at her a moment, looking confused and baffled, like she'd just spoken to him in a stream of Chinese. "People don't tell me when I ask, I have to make them forget instead-"

"Also, can you stop making people forget about you so much?" Amy had no idea if that was inherent or if it was something she could control. Solas had told her to write it down, but she had nothing handy to write with.. "Can I borrow one of your daggers?" Amy added quickly, and Cole blinked again, but then handed it to her. Was it even a real dagger, or like, some sort of spirit thing? That she could hold it - it felt real - seemed suggest real, but magic and spirits were all bullshit anyway, so...

Amy quickly scratched 'I saw Cole' into the dirt next to her and then handed the dagger back to him.

"People don't always like it when I try to help." Cole countered. "Sometimes they try to hurt me. If I don't make them forget, then they get angry and that hurts them too."

Amy opened her mouth to say that that was why he should stop trying to read people's minds, but then she closed it. Even all that aside, Cole popping up out of seeming nowhere would make people think magic and shit, and most people in Thedas didn't like magic to one extent or another. Templars, the people he'd been around a lot recently (apparently) especially so.

Plus, the fact that he was a spirit and not a demon was probably a distinction most Thedosians would miss. Frankly, Amy knew the distinction existed and it really seemed to be arbitrary.

Like, Solas can go on about a spirit being a purpose and a demon being that purpose corrupted, but really, it feels like demon and spirit are just.... Labels people throw on it. Spirit being the ones that are nice and helpful and not making things worse, and demons that do make things worse. Solas and probably even a lot of human mages - Circle loyalist or rebel - would probably argue with her if she said it, but that didn't mean she was wrong.

"People tend to like their secrets to stay secret," Amy said after a moment.

"Why?" Cole's simple question was one of those questions that you probably needed a whole damn book to answer, but could also be answered with one sentence. Like 'why do bad things happen to good people?' Because they fucking do, deal with it.

There was a reason Amy wasn't asked to do outreach events with kids she wasn't actively healing - not that specific exchange, that one had never happened, but because Amy didn't have tolerance from stupid questions from anyone, even kids.

And yet, with Cole, the question kind of... wasn't stupid? Or at least, not as stupid?

"Because the whole point of secrets is that people want them to not get out." Amy pinched the bridge of her nose. This was probably useless, but as long as she could get Cole to not tell anyone about -

"The secrets are hurting them. Your secrets are hurting you," Cole said blandly, calm, confused and Amy pulled a hand down her face, because she was certain this wasn't an act and that made it worse, somehow.

"I -" Amy closed her mouth. Her secrets did hurt her, but it wasn't the keeping them secret that hurt. That was the thing that kept her from getting hurt. If Carol knew that Amy could do brains, if Vicky knew about her crush or about her villainous father... "It's not the keeping them hidden that hurts Cole. You saw - you saw how I reacted when Envy told Cassandra and Katerina about-" Amy lowered her voice, "you know. My sister."

She blinked, "In hindsight... why didn't you show up to help me then? I was hurting then for sure."

"I tried. You couldn't hear me, and that," he pointed to the glowing mark on Amy's hand - with no rifts nearby, the glow was minor, but it was a fact of her life, "made it difficult to try and make you forget, so I didn't."

"Okay, never make me forget about anything," Amy insisted. "With - I wish you wouldn't do it in general, but just... never do it with me, okay Cole? What would you have even made me forget about? Vicky? Fuck no!"

What would her memory of her life even be if she suddenly forgot about her sister? She wouldn't have a life. Vicky was there, Vicky was everywhere in her memories, her whole life was her sister - her favorite person, her only person and -

It's no wonder I became a gross freak about her, when you think about it... everything she did, everything she was, it all revolved around her sister.

Like, Amy wasn't around her sister 24/7, and she had had things she liked that weren't liked to Amy, back before she'd triggered... (and now, that she'd rediscovered her love of romance stories.) but... still.

Her life and her sister's had been intertwined. The idea of forgetting her -

"Thinking about her hurts you," Cole pointed out.

"Yes, because I miss her! And I want to spend time with her!" Amy countered, raising her voice. "My sister is the most important person in my life, and I'm stuck here in this - this place and I would love it if she could come and hug me and tell me it's going to be alright like she did when we were six and I was afraid of everything and -" Amy's voice cracked and she closed her eyes, blinking back tears.

"Thinking about her isn't what hurts, it's the fact that she's not here that hurts." Amy finished. "And my - the other things I'm keeping hidden aren't hurting because they're hidden either. But again, the fact of them." Knowing that her father was a villain, and - and -

Fucking Shaper. She would have to wait for weeks to get an answer, wait until they got to Haven. She was going to find out how much of all the horrible ideas she got she could blame on the bastard.

"Thoughts aren't as real out here," Cole said after a moment.

Amy blinked. "What?" What kind of absolute non-sequiter-

"In your head, when you hurt yourself because you hate you, that happened because in your head thoughts are real." Cole reminded her, and Amy sagged, remembering how that had felt, and what Cole had said.

'Thoughts are always real, but they're even more real here,' he'd said, and '"You hate Envy, so you hurt Envy - but you hate you - so you hurt you. You kept talking about yourself, about your hate for you. Kept thinking about it. Your thoughts became more real.'

He can read people's minds. He phrased it like... he said something like everyone was always in his thoughts. Which probably meant it was an involuntary thing. Like Dean, fucking seeing colors based on people's emotions. The bland jerk couldn't change that if he wanted, anymore than Amy could touch a living thing and not get a look at it's biology.

Of course, the spirits and demons show up. They're not alive, but they do a good job of playacting it.

Magic.

Magic was fucking bullshit.

Then again, so are powers, since projections don't read as alive to my powers. I guess spirits and demons are basically just projections of themselves, aren't they?

That was probably the way Vicky would try to make sense of it all, anyway.

"But out here, thoughts aren't as real." Cole finished. "The thought isn't real. Thinking about doing it isn't the same as doing it. Not out here."

"I know that!"

"You don't think like you know it," Cole said calmly.

"What does that even -" Amy started, but cut herself off. It would be exactly the same sort of thing that Cassandra and Katerina had said, about thoughts not being actions and all that. And that wasn't true. They could say it all they wanted. Cole could say the same thing.

But thoughts - they didn't come from nowhere. Maybe she could blame some of them on Shaper, but she couldn't blame all of them on it, and she knew that. Not the ones about Vicky.

"Thoughts come from somewhere," Amy said firmly. "I wouldn't be having these thoughts if I didn't want to do it on some level, if some part of me -" Amy closed her eyes, took a breath.

"I don't think that's how it works, not here." Cole shook his head. "I thought that once, that thoughts had to be real like that here too, like they are in the Fade, but it's not."

"If thoughts aren't real, then the fact that I want to be better wouldn't come from anywhere," Amy countered. She did want to be better. Katerina wasn't wrong about that when she'd yelled at her about it, told her to 'fucking try'. And she wanted to be the person Cassandra and Victoria thought she was. She could never actually be that person, but if she didn't try -

Then what would be the point of anything?

Trying was all she had, and it was all she was going to be able to do, but that didn't mean she could stop trying. Unbidden, she remembered a line from Star Wars. Always thought Yoda was full of crap, but now I guess I know he is.

"Do or do not. There is no try." Cole said, and Amy blinked. "What does that mean?"

He can pick up fucking STAR WARS quotes from my thoughts? Amy let out a laugh at the insanity of that, the sheer ridiculousness of hearing Yoda's words coming from the spirit. For a moment, she imagined Yoda wearing Cole's stupid floppy hat and she giggled. She was pretty sure she sounded a little hysterical, but she couldn't bring herself to give a shit.

"...what's so funny?" Cole asked. "I didn't tell a joke."

"No," Amy said through continued laughter, "You didn't, I just -" she let out a long, kind of satisfied sigh. "I think I kind of needed that," she murmured, then giggled again, remembering the way Yoda leapt around the Senate chamber in his fight with Palpatine at the end of Revenge of the Sith. Another scene she'd been unable to do justice to when retelling it to Katerina, but -

She imagined Cole leaping around like that, and that much, she could easily see happening - he could use those daggers of his pretty well, as far as Amy could tell...

"But I don't understand what's so funny?!" Cole almost - almost sounded like he was whining, which made Amy giggle again.

"Amy?!" Amy looked up to see Katerina opening the tent flap and then she blinked, "Is that -" she pointed at Cole.

"Oh, you can see him this time?" Amy inhaled. "Good. Yes. This is Cole."

"And you are Katerina. You want to know what I am."

"Among other things," Katerina agreed.

"Sorin means what he says," Cole said, seemingly apropos of nothing. "His thoughts are hard, but there's no mirrors in his mind. Rock, not glass." Amy blinked at Katerina, who seemed to almost get what he was saying,

"Are you- are you reading my mind?!" Katerina demanded. "How did you - I - did you read Sergeant Sorin's mind?"

"Yeah, he can do that." Amy cut in. "Who is Sergeant Sorin?"

"One of the Templars. A friend of Corporal Adrienne's. We had a discussion and I just kind of thought about him without meaning to a moment ago..." Katerina explained.

"Thinking about the choices and -"

"Hey! Stop that! No reading my thoughts!"

"I can't help it. People think so loudly." Cole replied to Katerina.

"I think it's an involuntary thing. Trust me, I don't want him in my head either, but..." Amy sighed. "I'm fine. Cole just said something that made me think of something funny. Remember Yoda?"

Katerina's brow furrowed, "The little green guy who was a Jedi? Trained Luke and said that stupid thing to Anakin?"

Which stupid thing? He said a few.

"Yeah." Amy nodded. "I imagined Yoda wearing Cole's hat. It's - it's less funny if you haven't actually seen the actual Yoda in the movies, but just imagine a little green guy with a hat like that." She held her hand a few feet from the ground, more or less Yoda's height.

"...That is a very large hat for someone that short," Katerina agreed.

"What's wrong with my hat?" Cole sounded almost indignant now. Before Amy could answer the question, Katerina went on.

"You helped Amy out with Envy? I saw you in the fight, against all those shades Envy summoned." Cole nodded. "You helped save her life."

"Envy was hurting her. Wanted to hurt everyone. Because Envy thought that it would feel better if it became her. I don't know why. Becoming the Lord Seeker didn't make Envy feel better."

"...you feel bad for Envy?" Of all the people or things they'd fought to feel bad for - Amy had felt bad for the Dragonlings, and she could sort of get why Solas felt bad for the demons that they'd fought at the rifts, even if she thought it was stupid. She could get why someone would feel bad for Alexius, and if someone felt bad for the Red Templars she'd call them an idiot, but she supposed she could see why an idiot would feel bad for them -

But Envy? Fucking Envy?

"Envy was hurting too. Envy always hurts," Cole explained. "Envy always wants to be someone else, someone other than who they are, but they're always themselves, no matter who they become."

"I... I think I almost followed that..." Katerina finally said after a moment, and Amy nodded. She did too, even if she thought it was stupid to feel bad for Envy over it. But it made sense. Envy was Envy. And it wanted to be her. Envy demons stole people's faces. Became people.

Because they don't want to be themselves.

Fuck.

She had something in common with Envy demons. What a lovely thought to have.

"You'll always be yourself too," Cole told her.

"Don't I fucking know it." Amy muttered. "Why are-"

"We should tell Lady Pentaghast he's here." Katerina interrupted. "Assuming he doesn't vanish again."

Amy blinked, then nodded. Cassandra should know. She looked at Cole. "Don't go vanishing until we talk to Cassandra."

"You'll let me help you hurt less?" Cole asked, and Amy closed her eyes, pinching the bridge of her nose again.

"Yes, fine whatever, you can do your helping thing. Let's just - go talk to Cassandra, okay?"

Amy stood up and Cole was on his feet as they both went out of the tent behind Katerina. Cassandra was sitting by one of the campfires, sharpening a sword.

"Cassandra?" Cassandra paused her movements and looked up at Amy as she spoke, then stiffened, the hand that wasn't holding the whetstone tightening around the hilt.

"Who is that?"

"That would be Cole. The spirit who helped me with Envy. He told me what I needed to do to get Envy out of my head, and helped me do it." Maybe Amy would have kept going if Cole hadn't suggested it, but it would have been harder, and - and his words had helped her keep moving at a few moments, especially near the end.

"He also helped fight those shades, remember?" Katerina said, and Cassandra nodded after a moment, as if she was only just remembering. Which... she probably was. Cassandra stood, hand still tight on her blade.

"Why is it here?"

"I want to help." Cole answered, his usual answer, because... that was what he could say.

"Cole isn't an 'it', Cassandra." Amy said firmly.

"It's a spirit, Amy. They don't have a gender."

"Cole, are you a guy? Male? Whatever you want to use." Amy asked after a moment. She didn't like the idea of calling Cole 'it'. It felt dehumanizing and fine, he wasn't human but he had helped her. He was a person, not a thing.

"...I'm not not male," Cole said after a moment. "I think?"

"Close enough for me," Amy concluded. "Don't call him 'it' Cassandra. He's not a demon."

"Spirits may not be demons, but they are not something you can just allow to roam freely," Cassandra said firmly, but she lowered her sword a little more. "What sort of spirit are you?"

Why the fuck didn't I think to ask him? Envy had known it was an Envy demon, right? So of course a spirit should know what it's a spirit of? Would a spirit be able to lie about it? Envy had lied about being the Lord Seeker, but presumably no one had asked the 'Lord Seeker' what kind of demon it was.

"...I'm not sure anymore." Cole said after a long moment. "I think I was a spirit of Compassion, once, and I still want to help, but should Compassion kill people? I can do that. I have done that. There are people that hurt others, and even though they're sometimes hurting, it's not right that they hurt people who didn't hurt them."

"...I have never heard of a spirit of Compassion killing others." Cassandra said after another long moment, and then she sheathed her sword. "You trust... him, Amy?"

"If it wasn't for him, Envy might have... he was the one who told me how to force Envy out of my head." Amy said. "I believe him when he says he wants to help. If he'd just stay out of my head, I'd be happier, but -"

"I told you, everyone's in my thoughts," Cole interrupted, and Amy nodded.

"I know. But that doesn't change the fact that I wish it wasn't happening," She gestured at him, looking back at Cassandra. "I don't think he can stop reading people's minds."

"Really?" Cassandra looked at him, eyes narrowed.

"I don't think your sword would fit there!" Cole said, sounding surprised and Amy could guess what that meant. She smirked, despite herself.

"Perhaps not," Cassandra agreed. "Seekers are taught more about demons than spirits, but spirits of Compassion are said to be able to seek out those who are in pain, and offer them comfort in their dreams."

"That's what I did, once. Then I was here, in the world, and I tried to help stop people from hurting in other ways." He frowned, and looked down, "It didn't always work, and I - I hurt people while trying to help. But then I met Rhys, and he showed me a better solution. How I could help people without hurting them. And then I realized there were people who were causing the hurt. So I stopped them."

"By killing them." Cassandra sounded skeptical.

"You kill people too," Amy exclaimed, feeling like she had to call Cassandra out about that, hold her accountable again like she'd promised she would.. "I get that that's - just how things go in Thedas and it's not like there was a better option when there's Red Templars or Venatori coming at you, but - as long as he kills the people who deserve it-"

"Yes, but spirits do not tend to always be clear on such things. Justice was a spirit, and you are aware of how that ended, no?" Cassandra noted and Amy frowned, because she had a point. "It is very easy for even a well-intentioned spirit to become harmful when in the mortal realm. I've not heard it happening with a spirit of Compassion, but Seeker Lore speaks of times when it has happened with spirits of other types.

After this long in Thedas, Amy had had to come to terms with other people killing their opponents in a fight. The Inquisition did have what passed for legal authority in Thedas, more or less, and Amy's objection wasn't to the death penalty - some fucking people deserved death - but she still didn't love that Cassandra and Katerina - and everyone else - killed people when they fought actual people, as opposed to demons or whatever. But they were people who were either working for Corypheus, or actively attacking innocent people or just attacked the Inquisition's own people and Amy had to accept that was how things were done in Thedas.

She didn't have to like it, but she could accept it. And the key thing was it was people who deserved it and probably would have ended up with some kind of death penalty anyway... and she trusted Cassandra to not kill people who didn't deserve it... unless Varric was being an ass that day. Same with Katerina, and Varric and... Not sure if I trust Sera not to kill someone who doesn't deserve it. Amy was happy to say 'fuck the nobles' but Josephone was noble, and she didn't deserve to die, so there had to be some good ones out there.

But could she really trust Cole to always make the right choice with killing? He was a spirit of Compassion, but he killed people. She could follow his logic - killing people who were hurting other people made as much sense as anything else in this nightmare world, but how could she be sure he wouldn't end up making the same kind of... mistakes or whatever the fuck it was that had happened with Justice to make him blow up a building and provoke an attempt to massacre a bunch of innocent mages who weren't even involved?

What if Cole took something too literally, or went too far, or - he misunderstood something and killed someone who didn't deserve it, using logic that made sense to him, but no one else?

"That's why I followed the Templars to Therinfal," Cole said calmly. "I wanted to help them, but I knew they could stop me if I became a demon, if I hurt people again." Then Cole frowned, "I couldn't help many of them, especially after they started becoming red inside, and the Templars ended up being the ones who needed to be stopped..."

"Is that why you've followed us? Because you know the Inquisition can kill you if need be?" Something in Amy twinged as she said that. Amy didn't want to die. She didn't even want to think about the appeal of 'not existing', which was something she'd often lingered on until recently... But if she did become a villain... if she did abuse her power, or - or create monstrosities or mess with people's brains... mess with her sister's brain...

Well, I hope the real Carol is as willing to kill me as the version of Carol in my nightmares when I was a kid was, or the version Envy pretended to be... Because at that point, Amy would deserve to die, and she should be stopped from hurting more people.

She'd never actually thought about it before now, but it was true.

"I do want to help. I can help. The Breach is loud, it's hurting spirits, driving them mad, and then they become demons and hurt people. Envy wanted to help the one behind it. The Red Templars will hurt people. I can help stop them." Cole explained. "And you can stop me if I go wrong, if I become a demon."

"I will not hesitate if that becomes the case, Cole." Cassandra cautioned, and Amy bit her lip.

"Good." Cole accepted. "I can help though!"

"I saw him fight. You saw him fight. He's good with his daggers, and there's a lot of combat potential in someone who can make the enemy forget they saw him." Katerina offered after a moment. "He helped save Amy's life against Envy and the shades, and helped Amy against Envy in the first place.

"This is true," Cassandra mused. She looked squarely at Cole. "If you are to work with the Inquisition, you must follow orders." Cole started to note, but Cassandra went on: "That means not killing on your own initiative. Not unless the threat to innocent lives or the Inquisition is imminent."

"But what if they're going to hurt someone?"

"As I said, if it is imminent, then you may act, though I will expect answers afterwards." Cassandra said firmly. "If it is not imminent, tell me of them and I shall tell you if it is appropriate to kill them." Cassandra sighed, "There are a great many people in the world who hurt others who we cannot simply kill. Life would be easier if we could."

"Such as nobles?"

"Such as some nobles, yes." Cassandra agreed. "The Inquisition cannot go around killing every single Orlesian marquis that treats their subjects poorly, much as it would be appealing to do so."

"If they're hurting people, why can't I?"

"Because things are not as simple in this world as they are in the Fade." Cassandra said after a moment. "You likely will not understand it, but trust me when I say that though some might deserve death, their deaths would only cause more problems than they would solve, especially in the immediate term."

"I don't understand," Cole said, blinking.

Amy pinched the bridge of her nose, trying to figure out some way to explain it. Apart from the obvious 'killing people is bad outside of actual fight or a legally done death penalty/kill order type thing'. Because she was certain Cole wouldn't get that at all.

"If you killed a noble who doesn't have a clear heir, then maybe his cousins start a war over who gets to take his holdings and that gets a bunch of people hurt in between." Katerina offered, clearly trying to get a point across that Cole might get.

"Then shouldn't I just kill his cousins too? If they're hurting people out of greed?"

"You'd have to kill a lot of people, and they won't all be in one place." Katerina answered. "If nothing else, it would be a logistical nightmare and people would get hurt while you're going from cousin to cousin."

"...things were simpler at the White Spire," Cole murmured after a moment.

"You were at the White Spire?" Cassandra's eyes went wide, then, "Rhys... you knew Senior Enchanter Rhys?"

"He was my friend. I was at the White Spire. That's where I became... me," Cole explained, as if that answered anything. "Rhys helped me see how I could help people better than I was."

"Who was Senior-Enchanter Rhys?"

"One of the leading figures of the incidents leading up to the final vote of the mages to rebel. He went missing during the conflict before the Conclave," Cassandra answered. "Rhys was falsely accused of murdering a Tranquil by Lord Seeker Lambert, which helped make matters even worse between the Templars and Circles than they already were at that point."

"What little I've heard about this Lambert makes it clear he was a fucking asshole," Amy muttered.

"Lambert only cared about himself, his power." Cole did that thing with his voice like when he was reading minds, that lower, faster voice. "Pathetic mages. Crush them at Andoral's Reach or starve them out. Doesn't matter which. I need an example, Seekers succeeding, seizing power. Overthrow the Divine, triumphant in the eyes of the Maker."

"...you claim Lord Seeker Lambert was planning to overthrow Divine Justina?" Cassandra demanded.

"He was. He hurt my friend. Killed people who didn't deserve it." Cole explained. "You're a better Seeker than he ever was, Cassandra. You care. He never did."

"...I am uncertain if I believe you. Or at least - if I believe you understood him correctly. Justinia and Lambert did not see eye to eye on many things, but to overthrow her? Lead some sort of coup against the Sunburst throne? It would have turned all of the south against the Seekers and Templars. It would be madness." She shook her head. "Regardless - as long as you can abide by the terms set, you may stand with the Inquisition."

Could we really make him leave if we told him no and he didn't want to? Maybe with some magic or more of Solas's memory tricks, but Strangers were tough to deal with and Cole's 'Stranger power' was pretty intense.

"Also, don't make me forget about seeing you," Amy said firmly. "In fact, consider this a blanket rule: 'don't make me or Cassandra or Katerina forget about anything without our express permission'." she paused, then, "Or Solas." Since he was probably the only person they could turn to for help if they did need to get rid of or banish Cole or something, best to not have him forget about seeing Cole either.
"Why not?"

"Honestly Cole, I have no idea how to explain it to you." Amy said after a moment. "I just would really really appreciate it if you don't, okay?"

Cole nodded slowly, looking like he didn't understand. "If it will help..."

"It will." Amy confirmed. "And - I know you can't not read minds, but just - keep people's secrets secret? Only talk to them about them, when no one else is around? Okay?" Cole nodded again slowly, again looking like he didn't get it.

I really fucking hope this doesn't blow up in our faces.

"Welcome to the Inquisition, Cole." Amy said, holding out a hand. Cole stared at it several moments.

"It's a handshake. You take my hand and we sort of move our hands up and down-" Cole grabbed her hand and shook hers vigorously, pumping it up and down in big arcs. Amy grimaced, but somehow held back from yanking her hand away immediately. "Yeah. Like that. Just - maybe a little less intense." Amy said, pulling her arm back after four very big shakes.

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Author's Note: One of the problems with any work of fanfiction based on something as complicated as Worm or Dragon Age is that there's situations where it would make perfect sense for a character to bring up something - that's especially true with early Cole who has no real filter - but that if they did, it would spark an extra three to four thousand words of onscreen discussion and explanation. So sometimes, people just don't bring things up. In some ways, Cole's weirdness helps make that work anyway - it may make sense for him to bring some things up, but... Cole doesn't always make sense, now does he?

 

[Kylia Quilor]

Author's Note: Another longer chapter. I really did debate breaking this up, but what happens in the next chapter really does work so much better if I didn't. Plus, I outlined 40 chapters (plus the five interludes) a while back and I wanna stick with that.

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After way too much riding - Amy was getting better at it, and her ass and legs weren't as nightmarishly sore at the end of the day compared to that first night riding a horse to the Hinterlands - they were drawing close to Haven. Amy was... she wasn't doing terribly. She was doing worse on the way back than she had been on the way there. Her nightmares had returned - the usual ones, of everyone abandoning her, hating her, being left alone, but with the added 'fun' of the people turning on her now including Cassandra and even Katerina.

Which I don't totally get. I mean, I guess we're... friendly? I mean, she's one of the three people in Thedas I like talking to for an extended period, I guess, but -

They didn't come every night, or at least she didn't remember them every night. And she'd rapidly realized that the way to increase her odds of not having the nightmares was to be physically exhausted when she actually fell asleep. So she'd asked Cassandra for extra staff practice in the evenings. Getting whacked in the legs and arms and ribs by Cassandra wasn't fun, though she did appreciate Cassandra's guidance and -

And she liked it when Cassandra praised her progress.

She was less thrilled that Cassandra had roped a few of the Inquisition's other soldiers into helping her with staff practice, but her comment that she needed to practice fighting other people was true... and at least it wasn't any of the Templars along for the ride.

The fucking Templars...

The long trip back had seen Amy spend more time talking with Cassandra and Katerina as well, even outside of the training. With Cassandra, they spoke more about Thedas - Cassandra explaining things about the Chantry and history and they even talked about dragons. And even though she didn't like talking about how she'd killed a dragon with another dragon, Cassandra had finally explained that part of her story with Regalyan and Avexis in greater detail, and spoken more about dragons in general.

The Pentaghast family were famed dragon hunters, and her older brother had embraced that family tradition.

In turn, Amy spoke more about Earth-Bet, the Protectorate, the PRT, the Triumvirate. Cassandra had questions about how things in the Bay alone, let alone the rest of the world could be so bad with such mighty heroes, and Amy... couldn't give a good answer? Heroes outnumbered, sure, but villains weren't exactly good at working together, so there was some balancing? Endbringers were the big answer.

Amy did explain about the Endbringers to Cassandra, who sounded horrified, but it was also so huge she admitted she had some difficulty wrapping her mind around the real impact it had. Finally, she settled on the idea that it was as if there was a localized Blight every three months. Cassandra suggested the notion, and Amy shrugged and nodded. That kind of fit.

"How is anyone in your world still alive?"

"We sometimes kind of win, and we have a lot of cities to spare?" Amy had offered. She shrugged.

She and Cassandra also talked about romance novels, though only when Cassandra was sure no one else was listening. Amy got the distinct impression she was ashamed of her taste in reading - not so much that she liked romance novels, but the specific ones she liked. Portia Plume was probably the best regarded of the ones she liked, but she did like a number of others, which Amy mentally put on lists.

And Cassandra definitely got a little flustered when the subject of the sex scenes in these novels came up. Not so much that she felt like Amy was too young to read them, but she didn't feel comfortable talking about them with anyone, even in vague non-detail.

It was kind of funny, in a weird way, that Cassandra was this amazing, strong, good, capable and confident woman but also got embarrassed and flustered about enjoying romance novels... including the ones about forbidden love. They weren't the only ones she liked, but she had enjoyed her fair share of star-crossed lover stories - mage and templar, mage and chantry sister, templar and chantry sister, nobles from rival families, noble and commoner. Cassandra had, in her years of life, read a lot of romance novels.

With Katerina, she talked about books and stories in general and then the two of them occasionally ranted about the Templars. Katerina more so than Amy, or at least more vehemently, though Katerina was apparently willing to grant that there were a few more worthwhile Templars than she'd thought, beyond just Corporal Adrienne - a sergeant named Sorin - the one who had helped court-martial Denam - was wrong on mages generally, but a hardliner against abusing mages, and she had said the other night that Ser Barris was proving to be 'almost decent', which given that he was a Templar, was high praise coming from Katerina.

The fucking Templars.

Amy did speak with the other here and there. She avoided Sera the most, just because the woman was so... baffling. She talked with Varric as she continued to read the Tale of the Champion. With how long the road had proven to be, she'd gotten much further into the book - though between staff practice and so on, she had only so much time to read. But they had gotten past the Deep Roads expedition, and they were building up to tensions developing with the Qunari. And Hawke had realized she had feelings for Merrill - and Varric pulled no punches in showing how much she'd started pining for the other woman, but also how much of an idiot she was being in not telling Merrill how she felt.

She did love the pining, but she'd also found herself asking Varric why Hawke never said anything. Hell, why hadn't Merrill yet?

"Oh, Hawke... she's just no good at feelings. Always making a joke or getting angry," Varric explained. "And she always worried about how Merrill would feel, about a human being interested in her, she worried about if Merrill might feel pressured because of how much Merrill felt like she owed Hawke for all her help or... and of course, she just completely missed that Merrill was making moon-eyes at her too, all the damn time," Varric had answered. "Isabella and I had a bit of a bet going as to when one of them would finally fess up, and who would say something first. Daisy ended up being the one to, but you have a good few chapters before you get there, so I'll avoid spilling the details."

"Did you win the bet?"

"No. I really thought Hawke would be the one to break down first. See... Merrill, for all that she could absolutely dominate the battlefield with her magic and knew more about spirits and elven lore than anyone I've met other than Chuckles," he gestured vaguely in the direction of Solas, who was, as usual, standing of at the edge of the camp playing at being mysterious, "Daisy wasn't exactly the most confident woman. She never had a lot of friends in her clan, and two of the few she had died before they came to Sundermount. So it never occurred to her that Hawke might like her back."

"She's obvious about it!"

"It's different when you're on the outside, Panpan," Varric countered. "It's easy to notice when two people are interested in each other... but when you're one of the two? Not always so easy."

Amy snorted, "That's just being oblivious... which I do love reading about, don't get me wrong, but that's because it's fictional! Real people shouldn't be so oblivious. They can't be!" She refrained from arguing with him calling her 'Panpan' because it was a lost cause.

"There's a lot I made up for the book, but Hawke and Merrill being that oblivious? Nope. That was all them."

Then there was Ser Marius, who insisted on continuing to flirt with Cassandra - and who never actually shut him down. Amy knew it was on Marius to accept that Cassandra wasn't into him and stop, but Amy would have assumed Cassandra would have made it clear she wasn't interested in his blatant flirting. Because she wasn't. The man was just... he didn't - she'd seen people flirt in grosser ways, yeah, he somehow always managed to avoid crossing that line.

But he was one of those people who was just so sure he was charming and used to getting people to like him just by being 'charming' at them.

She talked a little with Iron Bull - about Dragons. Not intentionally, the conversation had just come up and she was there and then... dragons! The Qunari apparently held dragons in deep respect - not worshipping them, and Qunari were happy to kill Dragons too, but they saw Dragons as worthy of reverence.

And then, later, when she'd pressed him for more details about Dragons, because he was a veritable fountain of facts about them, and the various breeds and species of dragons and the way High Dragons fought, he also let slip that there was a theory among some Ben-Hassrath that Qunari were descended from Dragons in some form, maybe from just drinking the blood, maybe something more.

Which...

Yeah. They were.

"It's a crazy old theory that's been kicking around forever. I kind of want it to be true," Iron Bull said. "I mean, descended from dragons - what could be more impressive than that?! Just imagine it, me breathing fire and flying around?! The Iron Bull would be unstoppable. Even more than I already am." He said, then shrugged. "Only a few of the Ben-Hassrath really believe it, sometimes they even try to find proof."

It took everything Amy had to not confirm the theory, because she had no idea how that would go over. Iron Bull liked the idea, but would he like proof? Would he accept her proof? What if he told the rest of the Qunari 'hey, I have proof we've got Dragon in us'? Would they all be on board with that or would she have the Qunari religion declaring her some kind of false prophet and then try to kill her over it.

Or... worse...

They'd declare her some kind of true prophet.

She did not need another religion looking at her like she was a prophet.

The fucking Templars.

Once Amy had had the chance to think about them after she didn't feel exhausted and drained mentally and emotionally, she was... she was pissed about them not being disbanded. Not so much at Cassandra because - it wasn't like she'd told Cassandra what she was contemplating, and it also wasn't Amy's decision.

I'd rather Cassandra choose not to disband them then have to be the one expected to make these decisions...

And Cassandra had made good points. Amy... Amy wasn't sure, in the cold light of reflection, if she completely agreed it would be that simple to just 'rebuild them better', but Barris was... not terrible, and -

The Circles weren't coming back. Nothing like that was coming back. The Inquisition was as committed to that as they were to letting the Templars continue to exist. That meant something.

And whatever else, she didn't - she didn't get upset at Cassandra about it because she knew the older woman was good. She was doing good. Being good. She wasn't keeping the Templars around because she liked the oppression of the mages. And she wasn't sure if it was the best plan, she just... didn't see a viable alternative, not given the need to also prevent the Circles from coming back (and make everyone okay with that) and the real concerns about blood mages and abominations and so on.

So yeah. Amy accepted Cassandra's decision as Cassandra's decision, but she still really didn't like it.

And I still don't really have a better idea. 'Disband them All, let the Maker sort them out' sounded like a nice idea in theory. Hell, it was a nice idea, but - then what? Did they have to recruit brand new Templars and leave all the old ones to just... what? Die? Become mercenaries? Just retire and get Lyrium on the Inquisition's dime for the rest of time?

Working out which, if any of the old ones could be trusted to be part of some new group and then there was the political backlash bullshit, and the fact that people might not like both the Circles and the Templars being abolished at the same time and -

It was stupid and Amy hated it, but she didn't really see a good way out. It would all depend on what the reorganized Templar Order actually turned out to be, and...

I'm not going to be here to see that. Amy didn't - it wasn't that she like... wanted Thedas to suck just as soon as she was gone. She wanted the mages to be free. She wanted to make sure Templars couldn't run around abusing their power, and so on... but on the other hand, she couldn't actually count on being here to see it went well.

But Cassandra - she - she's a good person. And Leliana is pro-Mage, and Josephine is good and even Cullen won't want to see the Templars go back to how they used to be so -

And again. Abolishing the Templars... What's the solution afterwards? If you make a choice like that, you have to be there for all the consequences.

She didn't need that much responsibility. It wasn't her choice. Not alone. Not at all, ideally, but - people, even Cassandra, expected her to have some input, or want to have some input or at least wanted to know what she thought...

Which brought her back to the specific problem she had had the most with the Templars on this trip back from Therinfal. Which wouldn't have been changed if they were ex-Templars.

The fucking Templars kept treating her with reverence. Almost everyone in Thedas did, especially if she didn't spend much time with them - Katerina and Leliana were right that spending time with her generally convinced people she wasn't divine, thank fuck - but the Templars seemed to take it to a whole new level.

Maybe it was all the Templars she'd healed. Maybe it was the fact that Templars were probably more devout than most people? Maybe they were looking to her for purpose now that the Order was in tatters (which was a really fucking stupid idea). Or maybe surviving Envy's attempt to invade her mind made them respect her more or something. Amy had no idea.

But they were always looking at her with awe and reverence. They were always speaking to her like they thought the Maker's light shone out of her ass or something. And some had even asked for guidance on what the future of the Order should be.

Amy had had to explain she didn't speak for the Maker and had no special insight into him, but when they pressed, Amy had given an answer:

"Stop treating every single mage as evil just because they're a mage, and focus on saving innocent people. If you're supposed to be heroes, fucking act like it!"

Templars also asked for reassurance about how this would all end. That they, that Thedas would make it through this. To which Amy could truthfully answer that she could close the Breach, and that the Inquisition was dedicated to restoring order.

Amy was closing the Breach. If Templars and Mages didn't make it work, then Katerina was right. Amy was going to find another way. Preferably not one that involved flying and learning to sew, but... if she had to...

Because until the Breach was closed, she couldn't go home. She had to do her duty here, to all the innocent lives in danger if the Breach got worse, if more rifts opened, if the demons brought over by rifts hurt people.

Even if a portal back home opened up right in front of her, Amy couldn't justify taking it. No matter how much she wanted to hug Vicky again.

God, at this point she'd take a cold stare from Carol, if it meant she could have her old bed back, and running hot and cold water, and electricity and a fucking Fugly Bob's hamburger and a soda and -

Amy paused in her pacing and looked around her. No portal.

Just had to check. The way the universe seemed to like to fuck with her, a portal opening up right next to her now that she'd had that thought would almost have made sense.

Amy wanted to go home. She wanted to go home so badly she could taste it. She wanted to go back to a world where most things made sense and most people weren't reverent to her to her face and where magic bullshit wasn't a thing.

Sure, she'd miss Cassandra. And Josephine and even Katerina. And she still did want to get a look at a High Dragon and see how they flew and - and she was still curious about Lyrium and if she could find a way to kill the Taint...

Except I don't know how much my desire to do something stupid like walk up to a giant fire-breathing flying lizard and touch them is from me and how much is from Shaper. Amy was sure some of it was Shaper, it had to be, but... she did think some of the curiosity was her, right?

But - High Dragons were a no-go. Amy wasn't that desperate.

Lyrium... Amy wasn't sure. From what Varric had said about what even regular Lyrium could do to people, and just seeing and hearing and sensing with her power the toll the refined stuff could take on Templars, Amy knew it was potent shit.

But Amy didn't know if the effect it had was something her power could prevent - the same way she was immune to disease and poison... unless it was magical. Amy was mostly - mostly - sure her power could stop the Taint from infecting her, but she definitely didn't want to test it. And magical poison would probably fuck with her.

Which brought things back to Lyrium - she wanted to get a look at the untainted stuff. Wanted to understand how the Lyrium could go from all hundreds of letters to just four. But she suspected that Lyrium's primary danger was magical... and the way it did things would be as much 'it's magical bullshit' as anything her power could understand.

"The Templars are forming up," Cassandra said quietly, pulling Amy out of her thoughts and she looked off to the left to a clear, open patch near the road.

They were almost to Haven, and when Amy had made a comment to Ser Barris about making sure the Templars in this first group - thirty-two in total - behaved themselves when it came to all the Templars present in the village. Barris had suggested gathgering all the Templars together so Amy could tell them at once. That it would be more meaningful coming from her. From the Herald.

Amy had muttered she was no one's Herald, but she'd accepted the idea after Cassandra agreed it was likely true it would come better from her.

"And I was supposed to be using this time to figure out what to say. Damnit." Amy took a breath.

"You did not?"

"...I was trying? And then I got distracted." Amy admitted, flushing.

"By?" Cassandra raised an eyebrow.

"A lot of things? Dragons, Lyrium, the Taint... the fact that I hate that disbanding the Templars probably would have been a worse idea in the first place, but also being super glad it's not my call either way."

"You are thinking about wanting to look at a High Dragon with your power." Cassandra said, crossing her arms in front of her, and Amy bit her lip, looking away, still flushing. She hadn't said it in so many words, but she'd pestered Cassandra for details about dragons and the way she'd snapped at Varric back with the Dragonling and so on - yeah, Cassandra could guess.

"Among other things," Amy muttered. "I know, I know, it's never going to happen, but I still want to see how they fly." She had some theories. Including that they might not actually fly in a conventional sense - they might be more like flying squirrels, albeit with stronger jumps. That one was probably not true, but what she found interesting was that when dragons did a lot of fire breathing, such as when people attacked them, they didn't seem to fly quite as much or stay in the air as much.

So maybe the gas they used to breath fire can also be used to inflate something to give them some lift?

Their bones could also just get hollower, and they did have really big wing spans, so that had to help, but Dragonlings hadn't run on magical bullshit, so she really, really, really wanted High Dragons to not run on bullshit either.

"You could have picked almost any other creature on Thedas to be fascinated by." Cassandra said. "One you could have gotten a look at safely already."

"Most animals on Thedas are pretty normal as far as I can tell. Dragons aren't." Amy defended herself. "They're weird, but in a way that makes sense, which, compared to the Taint and Elves..." Amy shook her head. "Not the point." She took a breath. "Okay, Templars." She looked ahead and she saw them forming up. "Fuck, what am I supposed to say?"

"You can always-"

"I could, but it needs to be done Cassandra, you know that." Amy swallowed. "The last thing we need is Templars hassling the rebel mages. I promised Fiona they'd be punished if they did, and you agreed."

"I did. And I agree this needs to be said, and it would be better coming from you. But if you do not feel as though you can-"

"I don't feel like I can do much of anything I've done in Thedas." Amy pointed out. "But I'm the person that can do it, and so I have to. Why would this be any different?" She sighed, exhaling. Amy closed her eyes, took another breath.

It doesn't have to be long, or involved. Just remind them this is about the Breach. About Corypheus. Bigger problems. Corypheus was the one behind Envy, behind the Red Lyrium...

Amy blinked.

Corypheus was a Darkspawn.

Red Lyrium had the Taint.

Varric had mentioned something about a sleeping Corypheus sort of calling Darkspawn to him, and intelligent Darkspawn like him commanding portions of the Horde after the First Blight, right?

Fuck me, that has to be why he wanted the Templars on Red Lyrium. Specifically. Could he control people who used enough of it? Influence their minds, or outright puppetry? Somewhere in between?

Fuck.

"Amy," Cassandra pulled her from her thoughts again. "You do not need to take every weight and burden on yourself simply because it is there."

"I'm not helpless, Cassandra. And this is just... talking to a bunch of people."

"Something you had difficulty with when you first arrived in Thedas, at the Crossroads." Cassandra pointed out.

Amy flushed again, remembering how she'd melted down and then run off...

"That was months ago. I've... I've had to get used to it." Amy pointed out. "And I mean - I wasn't - I was still like two weeks out from being blown up and sent here, and still processing everything. I - I'm not - I'm doing better now about all this shit in general."

"This is true. But promise me you will not push yourself more than you must, Amy. You will help no one if you do, least of all yourself."

Goddamnit, I - I'm - "I'm not," Amy started reflexively, then she took a breath and forced herself to focus. She had bigger issues. She moved to the assembled Templars, hearing Cassandra walking behind her. Some of them wore helmets, others did not. As she approached, Barris pressed his closed right fist to his chest, and all the rest followed suit, which - she got that salutes were a military thing but it was fucking creepy to watch them all act almost as one like that, and no one should be saluting her!

"You can all relax. At ease?" That was what you said to soldiers who were standing at attention, right? Either she got the right word, or her intent was clear, and Barris - and then the rest - dropped their right arms back to their sides. Amy took a breath.

Stay on script. Or just... I don't have a script but -

"Okay. We're going to reach Haven in a couple of hours once we get moving again. You all know there's mages that were part of the rebellion there. The Inquisition is working with them because we need their help for the Breach too, and because the same bastard who sent Envy to fuck with you guys - Corypheus - tried to make them all his slaves. Right now, we're all on the same side: Close the Breach, stop Corypheus, and restore order. So don't harass the mages in Haven. If you really think one of them is doing something wrong, bring it to Cassandra, or Cullen or even me, if you have to. And if any of the mages give you shit, then you bring it to someone in charge. If we fight each other, the only one who wins is Corypheus, okay? And none of us want that, right?"

Amy exhaled, feeling her heart beating fast in her chest. "Corypheus killed the Divine. He created the Breach. He might even be behind Red Lyrium spreading, but we don't have proof of that one yet. But he's got to be the one who arranged for Envy to give it to your officers." Amy kept going, raising her voice, gesticulating a bit as she felt herself starting to rant.

"After everything that's happened, it would have been within the Inquisition's rights to declare an end to the Templars or... something like that. But instead, Cassandra offered you all a chance to regain your honor, right? To live up to your oaths and be protectors and stuff. This is your chance. So fucking take it!"

"How can we trust the mages to-"

"How can they trust you?! For years, you people caged them and abused them and too many times your brethren got away with it. And then your stupid war made things worse. You don't like the rebel mages. They don't fucking like you, and a lot of people are happy to say 'a plague on both your houses'." Amy remembered a few lines of Shakespeare from English Lit class, and that was one of them. "So - this - this isn't about trusting them. The Circles are dead, the mages quit. Trying to force them back is fucking stupid and it only started a war and that war is what Corypheus is using to try and get power. Right now, this is about working together to save the goddamn world, okay?"

"What right do you have to command us!? You say you're no Herald-" Another Templar protested, but there were angry murmurs and glares at that - but directed at him, not Amy.

"I'm not! But I am the person that can close the Breach, so when it comes to fucking focusing on that you should listen to me!" Amy insisted, stopping her pacing to glare at the bastard who had spoken. "If you want a chance to reclaim your honor and show Thedas you're not just fucking fanatical thugs looking for an excuse to abuse your power, work with us! Okay? If you want to refuse to help close the breach and stop Corypheus because there's mages doing the same, then leave now. Be part of the problem. Corypheus might still be recruiting Templars willing to eat that Red Lyrium shit. You know, the stuff infected with the Darkspawn Taint."

Amy's words were met by more murmurs, and the one that had protested looked taken aback, looking down at the ground. Others were looking at her angrily, but even more seemed to be at least hearing her out, or looking at the ground in shame even.

"The Inquisition will help the Templars address their grievances with the Chantry and the rest of Thedas, but the only way you'll get to be part of that solution is by helping us!"

"And do nothing about-"

"What exactly can we do, Ser Merrick?" Adrienne spoke up - Amy recognized the woman's voice, though she was coming from somewhere in the back of the assembled crowd. "Forcing the mages back into the Circles didn't help, and the ones who were the hardest on the mages were the ones taking the Red Lyrium, mostly. People like Conrad. Maybe let's try to do something different from what they did?"

Amy watched some Templars nodding, but not all of them seemed so onboard.

"You hated Captain Conrad ever since he cost you your rant and position in Cumberland!"

"Conrad killed a dozen of our brothers and sisters who refused to be corrupted, and the reason I lost my rank was because he punished me for trying to report a Templar abusing their position to do unjustified injury to the mages in our charge!" Adrienne snapped. "Cruelty and monstrousness in equal measure were Conrad's currency of choice. I joined the Order to protect innocent people from magic run amok." She gestured at the Breach in the sky, "That's magic run amok, no? A Tevinter Magister killing the Divine is magic run amok. That comes before anything else, for me. If it doesn't for you - then why are you even still here?!"

"We have pledged our aid to the Inquisition, and Haven is the Inquisition's. This effort is theirs," Barris pointed out. "And our Order has worked alongside mages for greater threats before - in Every Blight, mages are called to the battlefield against the Darkspawn, and Templars stand by them, fighting to protect them against the horde. When the Qunari invaded the south, mages and Templars stood together. Even in Kirkwall, for all that matters fell apart later, when the Qunari attacked the city again - mages and Templars stood together. Against this new threat from Tevinter, how can we turn away? Our brothers and sisters of the past, the same ones we honor the memory of, were willing to stand by mages against a common threat. I am not willing to break that chain of history and trust. Are any of you ready to so easily cast that all aside?"

Most of the angry, disagreeing Templars seemed cowed by that one-two punch from Adrienne and Barris. Amy wondered if they had practiced it, since they both spoke so well, so completely and coherently, without any pauses or stumbling.. If Barris had known that having Amy address the Templars would make the grumblers come out in the open and give him a chance to deploy the argument.

If that was the plan, Amy wasn't sure how she felt about it. It did make the Templars behave, but it also meant that Amy had basically been set up as bait, and she was... not a fan of that. She swallowed and tried to think of something to say, something she could say to wrap this up.

"No one is going to get a pass if they hurt innocent people, or do bad things. Mage or Templar. I meant what I said about telling one of the people in charge, or even me, if you suspect a mage of blood magic or something else bad." Amy might have to be the one to confirm if someone was lying or telling the truth, if it came to that, since she suspected both sides were more likely to believe her word than anyone else's.

Have I mentioned I hate Thedas lately?

"The Inquisition is committed to order and justice," Cassandra said, stepping forward, "Whatever the source, those who work against those will be punished, I swear this on Divine Justinia's memory." She looked at Ser Barris, "Ser Barris." She nodded at him, and pressed a fist to her chest in a salute.

"Templars! Dismissed!" Barris said with a shout, and the assembled Templars slowly broke apart and started to return to the road and those still part of their column marching and riding back to Haven. The man approached Cassandra and Amy, and spoke again, voice lower, "Thank you, Lady Dallon. That appears to have gone quite well."

"Better than I was afraid it would," Amy admitted. She didn't like being called 'Lady Dallon' much either, but it was ever so marginally better than being called Herald. What was so hard about 'Amy'? Or 'Miss Dallon', if they were that allergic to her name?

Why do they assume I'm a noble?

"But it went well mostly because of you and Ser Adrienne," Amy added. "Did you two plan that ahead of time?"

"I wouldn't have been able to say what I said without you capturing their attention, Lady Dallon," Barris countered. "As for Ser Adrienne... no, I did not plan anything with her. Her words were sound, though I'm not entirely in agreement with her." He exhaled, "Still. It did the job. Doubts among the Templars have been assuaged, and when we get to Haven and they see that the rebel mages are hardly rampaging around the village, it should silence the doubters for some time, I believe."

If only, if only.

"Now we simply need to ensure none of the mages decide we're changing our minds on our promises with them," Cassandra muttered. "They know you are coming, Grand Enchanter Fiona was warned and would have told her people, but I am sure some are... unhappy about your arrival."

Oh shit.

---

Finally returning to Haven after what was probably a month and a half (Amy was honestly starting to lose track, the days bleeding into one another. If she'd stayed in one place the entire time, she could have done that thing they did in movies and TV shows where they made tally marks on the walls, but...) showed her how much the village had changed, and how quickly things could change, even in Thedas, when people put their minds on it.

A whole bunch of extra buildings had been thrown up, filling up the open area out in front of the gates and spreading out from there. There were more tents too, despite all that, and the village was overstuffed with people - mages, soldiers, probably a bunch of nobles coming to petition the Inquisition for aid, pilgrims coming for the Herald's blessing and fuck if she knew who else. A new set of walls had begun construction out in front of the new construction, though it looked like there was a lot more to do, and it was all wood and piled up dirt, rather than stone.

The little 'road' up to and past the gates and leading up to the Chantry was lined with people and many of them were cheering. Some were probably cheering the Templars, but Amy could assume most were cheering her. She was back, here to heal again soon, and of course, with mages and Templars both here, closing the Breach could only be happening soon, right? The ordeal would be over soon.

Or not. Corypheus is still out there after all. But without the Breach, at least their impending doom might not be as close, or at least it would be less visible.

That was the whole fucking idea anyway.

There were people not cheering though. Many of them were mages, judging by the robes and staffs, but some mages were cheering, and not all those staying quiet were mages.

"It might be a good idea if Ser Barris and Grand Enchanter Fiona shook hands or something in front of everyone," Katerina suggested quietly, riding next to Amy.

Amy blinked. It was a good idea, but it sounded a little too nice to the Templars to be Katerina's idea. She reached over and grabbed the redhead's hand. Nope, still a human, still the same biology.

"What was that?"

"Checking if you were replaced by an Envy Demon."

"No Envy Demon could get me right," Katerina said confidently. "My sense of humor alone is impossible for them to copy."

"Well, yeah, that's why I was checking. That suggestion doesn't sound a thing like you." Amy paused, "Also, what sense of humor?"

Katerina grabbed at her chest with one hand, keeping the other on her reins, leaning back, mouth falling open in overdramatic fake-pain. "Right in the heart, Amy. Your sharp words have run me through!" She grinned, and chuckled as she put her hand back on the reins again.

"I rest my case," Amy said, smiling just a tiny bit. It was a stupid line, but Katerina did the bit pretty well.

"Anyway, it wasn't my idea. It was Varric's. He pointed out you'd probably like the idea, and convinced me to suggest it." She grimaced, "It is a good idea. Look at some of those mages. The way they're glaring swords at -"

"Glaring swords?!"

"Their glares are definitely worse than daggers, aren't they?" Katerina countered and Amy looked at a mage they were passing, with a near-snarl on the woman's face and a look of hatred in her eyes that Amy had last seen on an E88 thug she'd seen refusing medical treatment from a black doctor as the mage looked at the Templars...

"...Yeah. Definitely a good idea." Amy spurred her horse forward just a little - it took a few attempts to get it right. She was getting better at directing her horse, but it was still mostly just a matter of keeping it going in the right direction at any easy trot.

She shared the suggestion with Cassandra, who accepted the idea as well, and she passed it on to Barris, who also thought it a sound notion. Now Amy just had to hope Fiona was onboard with it too.

The Grand Enchanter was standing out front of the Chantry along with a small group of other people - one of whom Amy recognized, though she didn't know the woman's name - as well as Leliana, Cullen and Josephine.

Amy dismounted at a nod from Cassandra, and so too did Barris, Katerina and the others at the head of their column. She approached the trio who - along with Cassandra - actually led the Inquisition, bracing herself, brow furrowed,

"Amy," Josephine said as they approached. "You were successful in both tasks you set before yourself, I see." Word had been sent ahead, of course, but this whole thing with so many eyes on them was a PR thing. Amy swallowed and once again tried to draw on all of Aunt Sarah's lessons as she tried to play her part.

"Things didn't go exactly according to plan in Redcliffe or Therinfal, but yes." She turned to the watching crowd, knowing she'd need to say... something. Something about... how they could all close the Breach and they were working together and -

Barris approached the Grand Enchanter and held out one hand, accidentally buying Amy time. It almost felt like the collective crowd was holding their breath as the Templar spoke.

"Grant Enchanter Fiona. I am Ser Barris and - to my chagrin, I am the one my brothers and sisters among the Templars have turned to as a leader for the time being, with so many of our leaders lost. There is much bad blood between your mages and the Order, but I believe that the cause of the Inquisition is one greater than any of that." He sounded earnest.

Fiona hesitated for just a moment, then accepted Barris's hand.
"I can agree with that, Ser Barris. There are matters greater than our past that must be resolved before anything else may be discussed. It is my hope," she added, raising her own voice, "that our cooperation can serve as the basis for the sort of peace the Conclave originally sought."

That sounded like it was her cue to say something and as Amy stared at the crowd, ready to make some kind of platitude-filled speech about working together and winning against Evil or... whatever for the second time today, she realized... she couldn't.

The weight of all those eyes on her, even more expectant - and somehow more reverent - than ever before - it hit her all at once and she staggered back, feeling nausea rising in her stomach, head buzzing, swaying - her heart was threatening to burst from her chest with how fast it was going and her breathing was quick and -

She looked at Cassandra, trying to voice a plea, but afraid to open her mouth as she felt a rising heat in her throat. What the fuck is wrong? Why am I so - Amy hated crowds, hated attention, still, but this - this was pathetic and she'd had more people looking at her in Val Royeaux and -

And -

Cassandra seemed to figure out what Amy wanted without her saying anything and stepped forward, raising her voice.

"When the Inquisition was formed, we vowed to close the Breach, find those responsible, and restore order. Over the last month and a half, we have made great progress to that," Cassandra explained. "With the aid of the Templars and the mages, Amy will be able to close the Breach soon. And the identity of the one behind the Breach is known to us now-"

There was a sudden roar from the crowd, people cheering and also demanding to know who it was, and Amy staggered back, nearly falling - Katerina caught her arm, and held her up and Amy tried-

Why am I so - why is this - it's not that -

Why was she falling apart at this, choking this close to finally closing the Breach and being done with it all and -

Cassandra drew her sword and shield and beat the flat end of it against her shield, creating a loud noise that was soon joined by a number of soldiers and even Templars doing the same. Slowly, the crowd's uproar slowed and swallowed, trying to hold down on the bile still rising in her and -

"Those details will be shared with you soon," Josephine said, taking the opening quickly. "But not yet. We ask you all just a little more patience."

"It has been difficult, and even once the Breach is closed, restoring order and punishing the one behind the Breach and those who stand with him will not be easy. But hope has returned. The Dawn Will Come!" Cassandra added, once again with that 'dawn will come' line, as if it was something everyone knew, because a lot of people in the crowd echoed it back. Katerina wrapped an arm around Amy's waist and half-carried her into the Chantry.

"You look like you're seasick on land. Do you need a bucket?" Katerina asked urgently, quietly, as she pushed open the double-doors. Amy nodded, still not trusting herself to talk, not understanding the sudden onset of nausea or -

Why am I so fucking pathetic?!

Katerina propped her up against the wall and then hurried off, returning a few moments later with a bucket. Amy grabbed it and doubled over, the taste of bile hot and acidic against her tongue as she emptied the contents of her stomach into it, gagging, gasping, sucking in air now that she could open her mouth and breath through it.

She felt a hand on the small of her back and Amy spat into the bucket, trying to rid herself of the taste lingering in her mouth, gagging a little - nothing else was coming up, and she set the bucket full of bile and partially digested food on the ground, staggering away.

"Amy!" Cassandra's voice came from the doorway and the other woman was there at her side. Katerina stepped aside and Cassandra put a hand on Amy's shoulder.

"I'm -" Amy started to protest that she was fine, but she wasn't, and the lie would be so transparent it wasn't worth even trying. "I- I'll be fine. In a bit," she finally said.

"Are you sure?" Josephine's voice asked behind her, sounding even more audibly concerned than Cassandra had. "Are you unwell?"

"Not physically. I can't get sick."
"You can get poisoned," Leliana noted. "Was anything you've eaten or drunk left exposed to-"

"I wasn't poisoned! I - just -" Amy closed her eyes. "All those people staring at me and it - I was too much and -" Amy sagged, pressing her back against a wall, sliding down a bit, legs bent, "I got overwhelmed." She tried to take a deep breath, failed, and then tried again, still tasting bile on her tongue, I'm pathetic, I'm so fucking -

"You know how much I hate dealing with crowds, and I - I just -" Amy shook her head. "I'm sorry for - for fucking up the big moment and not saying anything and - I know it was a big PR moment for the Inquisition, Josephine and I -"

"Think nothing of it, Amy," Josephine shook her head, waving a hand dismissively. "There will be opportunities for speeches later, especially ones you've prepared for."

"Ultimately, what matters is you closing the Breach. All the speeches in the world won't matter against that," Cullen noted. Then he exhaled, "Thank you."

Amy blinked and looked over at him, seeing the way his shoulders sagged, the bags under his eyes - there was a quaver in her hands, now that she was looking at him closer. Was he paler than before? A little, maybe.

I definitely have to see about doing something about his Lyrium withdrawal. Cullen was... he was on the right side and he was the obvious test case to see if she could do anything about it and -

"What for?"

"For going to Therinfal," Cullen said. "If you hadn't gone, then all of the Order would have been turned into those... Red Templars the messages sent ahead described." He grimaced, "Where could they have gotten that much Red Lyrium?"

"Tainted it, somehow," Amy said. "Corypheus is a Darkspawn, and they spread the Taint, right?"

"It's a little more complicated than simply being near a Darkspawn, usually, but yes," Leliana agreed. "The message did say you said Red Lyrium was tainted, how how can a mineral-"

"Lyrium's not a mineral. Or at least... not just a mineral. I have no fucking clue what Lyrium is, since I haven't touched the real stuff, but it's definitely alive."

"Alive?!" Cullen stared at her like she had two heads or - or like she'd just said the drug he was addicted to was a living thing. "That - how - that's impossible!"

"How? People eat living stuff all the time, or at least stuff that was alive." Amy shrugged. "There's Lyrium in your bloodstream. Alive. I thought it was just... some local microbacteria at first, then a thing that like... lived on Lyrium, but it's Lyrium."

Cullen stared at her, struck dumb, and Josephine didn't look that much less surprised. Leliana, unsurprisingly, had an expression that was impossible to read.

"How can something be mined, and come in the form of ore be alive?" Josephine finally asked after a moment.

"Fuck if I know. I'm just saying it is. It's... all I saw was the Tainted stuff, but... in a way, it was -" Amy covered her face with her hands. "It was the most complicated form of life I've ever touched. It was like -" Amy shook her head, "I don't even know if I can describe it... it was like... looking at things in color after nothing but black and white? Maybe?" The complexity of the Quadruple Helix, the hundreds of 'letters' that made up its design... and the Taint running through it, somehow not overwriting it, but corrupting it nonetheless, making it impossible to get a good read on it.

It was like... like being shown something close to perfection and having it ripped away and -

Perfection?! What the fuck? Amy blinked as she tried to process that thought, where had that emotion come from? That had to be Shaper, right? Or - or something related to Shaper, her agent? Don't fucking put ideas in my head!

Futile thought, she knew, but -

She was going to have so many fucking words for Shaper when Solas made that potion and she got a chance to talk to the fucking thing. You - you've ruined my fucking life enough, Shaper! Stop doing it more!

"-at this point, I think Amy's proven what her power is capable of understanding, given matters with Blackwall, but I doubt anyone else who doesn't know her well would believe her," Leliana's voice broke through Amy's thoughts, and she realized she'd missed conversation.

"Blackwall? What about him?"

"You were correct." Leliana explained. "He is no Grey Warden, nor is he Gordon Blackwall. He is Thom Ranier, a deserter from the Orlesian Army, and wanted in connection with the murder of Lord Callier and his wife and children some years ago."

"The fuck? How old were these kids?" She'd - she'd thought con artist or spy or - something, but murderer? And they'd had him training soldiers? What the - what the fuck?

"Both under the age of twelve," Leliana answered. "Josephine sent word to Orlais as soon as he was taken prisoner. He's confessed his entire story." She had a hard expression on her face, her jaw clenched tight. "He claims the real Blackwall did really recruit him to be a Warden, but that Blackwall died when they were ambushed on the way to the Warden fortress at Val Chevin. Lacking any way to prove he'd been recruited, if he showed up in Val Chevin alone, he'd have been imprisoned and executed."

"He killed kids! He fucking deserves that in spades!" Amy snapped. "Is he - is he in a cell now, still?"

"Yes," Cullen confirmed. "He's made no efforts to escape, but he's under regular guard."

"Both Empress Celene and Grand Duke Gaspard will want to see him given proper execution for his crimes." Josephine said. "As soon as we receive word as to where they want him sent, the Inquisition will send him." She had a distant look in her eyes for a moment, then shook her head, mouthing something quietly. "He has shown repentance, but -"

"But nothing. You don't get to walk off killing kids," Amy snapped. Josephine slowly nodded in agreement.

"Given that you were correct about Blackwall... as unbelievable as it is that Lyrium is alive, if you say it is, then you are likely correct," Leliana concluded, turning the topic to where it had been. "And I believe it would be best if we continued any discussions in the war room," no one else was actually in the Chantry that Amy could see, but they were standing near the double-door entrance to the building, so...

Cullen shook his head, "You're right. And there is much that needs to be discussed. I - I don't even know where to begin trying to grapple with what you've told us."

"Something of a common experience with Amy. Did you know people and trees are made of the same basic stuff?" Katerina noted. Everyone stared at her, and Katerina shrugged. "Except elves, and... part of elfroot, all life is, right? That's what you've said."

"Pretty much. Lyrium is -" Amy shook her head. "Lyrium is its own thing too, but - yeah."

"I would be very interested in hearing more about all that, at a later time," Josephine offered. "But we do have much to discuss."

"Right." Amy inhaled slowly.

"You are dismissed for the moment," Cassandra told Katerina, who stared at the older woman for a moment, as if debating arguing the point with her, then she nodded, grabbing the bucket. "I'll empty this out for you Amy."

"Thanks."

"You owe me," Katerina said with mock seriousness, and Amy let out a long breath, closing her eyes.

"I need water," Amy said after a moment. "Still water in the war room?"

"There always is. Every day at least one of us is in there for hours, going over reports," Cullen confirmed. Amy nodded, and the five of them went to the war room."

---

"...and so at least for now, King Alistair is content to allow the rebel mages remain in Ferelden so long as they keep to Inquisition camps or are accompanied by Inquisition soldiers," Josephine concluded an hour later, wrapping up a detailed - maybe too detailed - summary about how the mages had settled in and the various fallouts - positive and negative - of the alliance. Chantry opinion was... mixed, especially given the brief subjugation to Tevinter, and the nobility as a whole was less than pleased, but it was, according to Josephine 'manageable'.

"Given that they handed one of the most important castles in all of Ferelden over to a Tevinter Magister, that's more than generous of him," Cullen noted. "I doubt the mages will be welcome in Ferelden even after-" he cut himself off and looked at Amy. "You have committed the Inquisition to the abolition of the Circles. That was not your choice to make."

"It was the fucking choice we all agreed to before I left, at least as an option on the table!" Amy snapped. Cullen might be on their side, but he was still a fucking ass on the mage issue.

Maybe he doesn't deserve me doing something about the withdr-

Amy sagged a little as she started that thought and tried to clamp down on it, expecting a sudden surge of nausea at it, her heat beating faster and -

She knew it was a wrong thought to have, but - she didn't feel her mind start to spin in wheels over it, circling the same thing over and over and she - she didn't -

Why am I not - what's wrong with me? Why am I okay with thinking about refusing to help him with this? He's - he's on our side, and this is -

I'm just tired. Amy realized. She was spent. She didn't have the energy to beat herself up, that was it.

"That was before -" Cullen started, then he cut himself off again and placed his hands on the table, palms down, taking a deep breath, then another. "My apologies. The choice has been made, and arguing about it will get us nowhere, and I am, as I said, grateful for your choice to aid the Templars at Therinfal."

Amy exhaled herself slowly, then nodded. "Yeah. Alright. Fine. Apology accepted. And - you made the case why the Templars were worth helping. You didn't predict Envy, but -" Amy shook her head. "How is Felix settling in? Is he healthy? No sudden remission of the Taint or -"

"As far as we can tell, he is still free of the Taint," Josephine answered. "As we have made his protection part of our ongoing deal with his father, he has been assigned a bodyguard and has chosen to stay here in Haven, for the time being."

"And what about Alexius?"

"He's in a cell, but he has provided us insight into the Venatori, including contacts and names across the south." Leliana answered. "He failed and betrayed Corypheus and the Venatori - it benefits him to see both fall."

"You cannot be taking his word uncritically." Cassandra demanded.

"Hardly. Trust, but verify, as Amy put it, has been the order of the day with Alexius. He was never given detailed insight into Corypheus's other plans, but thanks to the information he has provided, we have been able to identify several Venatori agents in Orlais, and even one in the Imperial Court. And Dorian's provided us with information that has been of use as well. He proved to be quite when we sent him to the Hinterlands with a group of soldiers to root out a small Venatori base

"That's helpful, I guess?" Amy exhaled. "Alexius and Blackw- Ranier," Amy corrected herself, "Are in cells. Anyone else?"

"Not at the moment." Cullen confirmed. "Hopefully the show with Ser Barris and Grand Enchanter Fiona will keep either mages or Templars from creating trouble."

"With any luck, yes. But now that they are both here, we should begin making plans for closing the Breach as soon as possible," Josephine suggested.

"Yeah, that's a good idea," Amy sighed. "How long?"

"Impossible to say. A few days at least, to get everything in order just from a logistical standpoint," Josephine suggested.

"And, it will require large amounts of Lyrium, for both the mages and the Templars," Leliana added. "Varric's contacts among the Lyrium smugglers have been of assistance - I am also having them look into the Red Lyrium and how it got to Therinfal."

"It continues to be spreading in places it should not be. Corypheus may be personally corrupting the Lyrium, or having his agents do so, but then it is ending up in the hands of those smugglers who took it to Therinfal." Cassandra noted. "The Templars who survived all claim it came with the shipments of the normal Lyrium, as if it was just the same substance, but a different color."

"Right, and the milk that's got green shit growing inside of it is just the same stuff too." Amy muttered. "Go ahead, drink it, it'll be safe!" Amy rubbed at her forehead. This part wasn't - it wasn't her problem. Much, anyway.

Close the Breach, and figure out a way home. Sure, that might take time, and she'd stick around the Inquisition and heal people as needed and stuff, but she could stop being put at the center of things and - just focus on going home.

"We cannot linger too long before closing the Breach, but we only have one chance. If it fails..." Cullen shook his head.

"Then I'll find a way to fly up there and sew it shut personally, if I have to," Amy said, deliberately echoing Katerina's words from weeks ago. "I can't go home until it's closed, and - I - I still have responsibilities back home. People who need me. But I can't abandon Thedas as long as I'm the only one who can close the Breach."

Amy pulled both hands vertically down her face, doing that thing where she almost pulled down on her lower eyelids for a moment as her hands moved lower, and finally her hands fell down to her side.

Josephine laughed, though it sounded a little forced to Amy's ears, breaking the momentary silence that followed her words. "Well, hopefully it will not come to that. Everything we can determine, every expert we have spoken to, suggests that this should work."

"Mages and Templars working in unison to feed more power into your mark and weaken the Breach." Cullen confirmed, then, "We should test how best to arrange the mages and the Templars in the ruins to allow them to do their part without interfering with the other."

"Good point. I'll bring it up with Ser Barris and Grand Enchanter Fiona to arrange for some practice." Josephine wrote something down on her little clipboard-with-a-candle.

"Okay. That's good." Amy walked away from the table and poured herself another cup of water, taking a deep drink. The taste of bile was gone, at least. "Is there anything else that like - I need to know about right now, or can I -" Amy swallowed. "I need to lay down. I -" she shook her head, biting her lower lip, gut curdling at the way she was being pathetic, but - she had to rest. She'd already had one complete meltdown and -

Cassandra was right. Amy couldn't help anyone if she pushed too hard and a lot was riding on her being able to do everything right.

Not a lot. Everything. The whole goddamn Inquisition and probably the world. Amy had collapsed last time they'd tried to close the Breach. It had hurt. Even with Solas's various wards, she could only imagine that having power channeled into the mark and trying to close the Breach again would be like dipping her hand into molten lead or something. Getting stabbed right through the middle by a sword made of frozen lemon juice or something.

"Nothing that cannot wait until tomorrow, at least in terms of informing you," Josephine said after exchanging a look with Leliana.

"Good." Amy exhaled, then, It's the right thing to - "Can I have a word with Cullen, in private?" She furrowed her brow, then, "No, Cullen and Cassandra. Before I go rest, I mean."

"Of course." Josephine agreed, and she and Leliana left the room after a moment. Amy looked at Cullen. "I think I might be able to help you with your Lyrium withdrawal."

Cassandra furrowed her brow, "You told Amy?"

"Inadvertantly, but it came up while explaining the effects of Lyrium withdrawal" Cullen said. He looked at Amy,

"An addiction is a craving of the mind." Cassandra said. "Would that not require changing Cullen's brain? Something you have been very clear-"

"No - no. I -" Amy shook her head. "There's - there's basically two parts to an addiction. One part is in the brain. That's the big part. It's the mental craving of the feeling the drug gives you, basically. But there is a physical component - well, it's all physical because the brain is physical but I -" Amy rambled and then slapped herself in the cheek, shaking her head violently.

"I'm not one hundred percent sure. I'll want to check when I'm not tired, but - there's the stuff in the brain, and then there's the part of the addiction in the rest of the body. In theory, I might be able to make it so your body isn't dependent on the Lyrium, Cullen." Amy started to pace, one hand running through her hair. "In theory, that could - stop the headaches, and the chills and the shaking? I don't know if it could do anything about the memory issues or some of the other stuff, but it should help."

Cullen rocked back on his heels for a long moment, "This sounds almost too good to be true, but I have seen what your abilities can do enough to believe you... and I do not think you would lie about this, so..." He clenched his jaw and looked squarely at her. "If it does work, could it be replicated for any Templar who wished to stop taking Lyrium?"

"It should be. I - I don't know how long it will take for you or how complicated it will be or anything. I - I'll have to figure out what parts of your body are causing the issues and what I can work with..." at the end of the day, addiction was a brain issue, but the dependency on how the effects on the brain impacted the rest of the body... "It might be easier if I could get a read on a Templar taking Lyrium, so I can see it at work."

"That can likely be arranged," Cassandra noted. "Though the purpose of what you are doing should be kept secret until it is clear what you can do, and what you cannot."

"Don't want to give anyone false hope if I can't do as much as I think," Amy agreed, then mused in a distracted voice as her mind wandered, thoughts racing. "Get a look at their biology while they take the Lyrium, and then like... maybe an hour later, and a few hours after that, as it's all... processed and stuff." She could check and see about the impacts and what it could teach her about Lyrium - and maybe she could get a better look at at least the refined stuff directly?

"All doable. Would there be any risks to Cullen?"

"I don't think so?" Amy said. "I wouldn't - I wouldn't be impacting his brain, and that's where there'd be risks..."

"Even some risk might be worth it, depending," Cullen admitted. "It is getting more difficult every day, Cassandra. I can withstand the cravings, and even the withdrawal, but... it is the wondering. The wondering if this will be the way when it is too much, when I won't be able to continue my duties." He swallowed and looked away. "I stand by my choice, but I wonder if - if I had known the Conclave would fail, let alone the Breach... I would -"

"No, no, don't say that. Lyrium's fucking poisoning the people who take it, that much is obvious from everything you guys have told me." Amy cut him off. "You went cold turkey and stayed that way for months. That's the right thing to do. Addiction to something like Lyrium is - something that can actually fuck your brain and body up is - it's wrong. And you were tricked into it. That's fucking messed up." Amy sagged, and she stumbled a little, feeling the last gasps of energy start to slip away or -

"It appears that you might need to rest sooner, rather than later, Amy."

"It might be best if we all do," Cullen suggested. "There's much work ahead of us. After today, when will we have time to rest again?"

Good fucking question.

---

One of the few things about Thedas that Amy didn't hate - outside of Cassandra, Josephine, Katerina (on a good day), some of the books and maybe Dragons - was that the pressure on her to heal was less, at least here in Haven. There just weren't that many people in the village, even counting all the new arrivals and the steady trickle of pilgrims - the ones who came just because they believed in her 'holiness' or the ones who came for healing, and between alchemists who had access to elfroot and other way too useful healing herbs and mages, a lot of smaller injuries and minor illnesses could be cured, and more severe injuries and illnesses could at least be kept at bay, the symptoms reduced or otherwise lessened, to make it easier for the body to heal on its own, at least depending on the nature of the disease.

Despite the advantages that all the medical herbs in Thedas provided, and magic, Alchemists still didn't actually understand how any of it worked. They knew what worked and what didn't, and had theories why, but the Four Humours were still bullshit, and she'd heard more than one alchemist talk about 'miasamas', which was also bullshit. As far as she could tell, the idea was that bad smells created illness? Which - not at all how that worked.

But, between mages and alchemists - both of which Haven was blessed with more of than a village this size would normally have, thanks to the Inquisition - a lot of things that might have required Amy right now, back home were just... not as urgent. Which made it less of an issue that Amy had been away from Haven for weeks, and when she was here, she just had less that she had to heal.

Really, the only things they needed her for were urgent injuries like the compound fracture she'd healed in that kid, really serious illnesses and genetic conditions or stuff like that that people in Thedas just didn't understand conceptually. And there just weren't a lot of those - in a lot of cases people who had those couldn't even make it to Haven.

Not that Amy only limited herself to healing those people, when she was here, but the lack of pressure was - it made the same amount of work feel less heavy? Like, she just... the fact that she knew that if she really wanted to, she could stop after dealing with the serious cases and it wouldn't be as big of a deal... it made it so much easier to keep going. Amy didn't understand it, and she -

She did feel bad about it, about feeling so much less weighed down when there were tons of people beyond Haven that could use her healing, but...

She still felt better about it all than she had in the Bay, even given that.

Though she had resolved that once the Breach was closed, and if her quest to get home took her out of Haven (which it probably would), then she'd heal people in every town and city she passed through. Start with the poorest areas. Alienages, slums... she couldn't just... stay in one town or even major city forever, of course, but... she could at least do more than she was here.

She... wasn't looking forward to feeling that pressure again, but it was the right thing.

The point was that last night she'd healed everyone at the clinic and in Haven that needed her last night after her rest easily enough, and when she'd gone to the clinic this morning after breakfast, there was only one person who had managed to get hurt in the interim, and it had been minor, just two fractured metacarpal bones from a training injury.

And so, it was earlier than she'd expected that she found herself heading to Solas's little hill at the edge of the village, where the elf was, as he usually was, chilling, staring off into space, leaning on his staff.

Again, he's all about playing the mysterious man of mystery. Amy rolled her eyes. Sure, Solas struck her as a lone wolf type, and by all accounts had spent most of his time to himself, and he was an elven apostate so he didn't have much in common with the others in the village. And Amy had difficulty imagining Solas drinking and gambling the way Iron Bull or Varric or Sera did. The mental image of Solas holding a tankard of beer or ale or whatever and singing some drinking song just... refused to form.

But even given all that, did he really need to just stand at the edge of the village leaning on his staff, staring off into space as if he was doing something profound?

"Is the potion ready?" Amy asked.

"It is," Solas confirmed, reaching into his pocket and pulling out a small vial stoppered by a cork, the thick contents a disgusting shade of yellow-brown. Amy grimaced at it, and Solas held it out for her. "It does taste somewhat better than it looks," he assured her.

"Okay..." Amy was still grimacing as she accepted the vial. She believed him, but the word 'somewhat' was probably doing a lot of heavy lifting there. "So how does it work? Or like... what do I do?"

"Drink the potion, preferably while sitting on your bed, lie down and relax. You will fall asleep in a matter of minutes at most. You will then find yourself inside your dreamscape in the Fade, aware and able to consciously guide the space you find yourself in to aim in the direction you seek. But your focus must be strong - if your thoughts are allowed to wander too much, then your dreamscape will reflect those thoughts, rather than whatever was 'kicked loose' that you are trying to understand."

So I need to focus on talking to Shaper, assuming it doesn't just... show up. But Amy also had to make sure she didn't - she didn't want to be surrounded by some of the things she did remember dreaming about. Except maybe one of those dreams of moving to a small town far away from everything and never needing to heal someone again and adopting a cat and doing nothing but drink coffee, read books, pet the cat and maybe find a girlfriend.

That would be a nice dream to be surrounded by. She didn't have that one enough.

"Okay. And then... I just dream? There's nothing special I do to wake up?"

"You should wake up on your own in a few hours, but short of that, the potion does put you in quite a deep sleep," Solas explained. "But not so deep that you cannot be shaken awake, or awoken by a suitably loud noise."

"Should? The alternative being getting lost in the Fade, like you mentioned?"

"Or just sleeping longer than intended," Solas answered. "It is exceedingly unlikely you will find yourself trapped by what the Fade has to offer so easily, but if you do not wake after a few hours time, I will wake you myself, you have my assurances."

"That's good." Amy inhaled. "Okay. Well, then to my cabin we go, I guess," she gestured.

"Indeed." Solas followed her across Haven, giving her a sort of mental exercise she could try during the Fade to help control her dreamscape and make it stay as she wanted it to, focused on what it was she was trying to learn. He spoke quietly, pitching his voice so only she could hear - they attracted stares and people stopped as they passed to watch, and Amy was approached by a few people asking about when the Breach would be closed. Amy told them all 'soon', that the Templars and Mages needed to be organized properly, but soon. They all seemed to accept that, rather than demand she do it now or something, which was good.

Whenever someone approached, Solas went silent until they moved on. After longer than she liked, they ended up at her cabin, where Katerina wasn't standing guard, but instead it was Aylward again. He seemed to be a common sight guarding her cabin in Haven when Katerina wasn't on duty. Presumably that meant he was one of the ones most trusted to do the job or something, like Katerina was.

"I need some privacy while Solas helps me with something," Amy told Aylward. "If someone needs me, they can knock and say what they need through the door." And then Solas could wake her up and it could be handled. "But it had better be important if they're bothering me in the next few hours." Amy added, putting her hand on the door handle, pushing it open, looking over her shoulder at Aylward. "Got it?"

"I - Yes, Herald, I understand." Aylward said with a nod, and Amy exhaled aggressively.

"I know I told you to call me Amy." She didn't wait for a response from the man and went inside, Solas right behind her. Amy took off her robes and then grabbed a metal stick and pushed a mostly unburned log more into the fire.

"It is a futile effort to run away from your title," Solas advised. "Especially when you exercise the authority it grants you, whether to refuse to force the mages back into subjugation or to demand privacy."

Amy set the metal stick back next to the fireplace and dropped her head into her hands, pulling them down her face. "There's a reason I hate it when people ask me what to do or expect me to make decisions for the Inquisition." Well, several. "But even if people listen to me because they think I speak for a god I don't believe in, I'm not going to claim to speak for the Maker. I can't control what other people do or think."

It wasn't abusing some fake Herald-ness to ask for some fucking privacy. And as for the stuff with the Mages... that was just the right thing to do. Someone had to make sure no one tried to put them back into Circles, and if she could contribute... she had to.

"Admirable, perhaps, but it does not change that most Andrastians will continue to believe that you were sent by him. Had you arrived in a similar circumstance in a time before Andraste, then you would have been seen as sent by the Old Gods of Tevinter, or perhaps the gods worshipped by other human peoples - the Avarr are the last remnant of such non-Tevinter pantheons, but all humanity worshipped great pantheons of gods before the rise of the Maker-cult. Either way - Tevinter, Avarr or some other culture, you would have been seen as touched or marked by the divine."

"Again. I can't control what stupid shit people think, just how I respond to it, and I refuse to be called Herald." Amy pointed out. "There are idiots back home who think I'm divine or... something." New Wave's PR agency had mentioned to Sarah (who had told her, so she knew to worry about running into one of them) there were legit Panacea Cultists, though not many, and they were at least seemingly pretty harmless, mostly framing her as like, some kind of saint-figure sent by God or whatever. Amy was glad she'd never actually met one.

What was it Katerina said - once people got to know me, it's harder to see me as a prophet? So there probably weren't any Panacea-worshippers in the Bay, at least, thank fuck.

"Fortunately, most people back home know Parahumans and worship don't mix well." After a few cults and the like, and stuff like Ziz, people had soured on the idea of Parahumans being connected to the Divine, outside of groups like Haven, anyway.

"Then perhaps the people of your world are wiser than most people in Thedas," Solas mused, which made Amy scoff. People were stupid everywhere. "Or perhaps it is just that you are one parahuman among many in your world, and all you do is heal. Here, however, you arrived in what many were seeing as the direst hour Thedas had faced since the First Blight, and you arrived with the means to close the Breach. Something no one else had."

"The only reason I can do that is because I somehow interrupted Corypheus's ritual and then forgot I did it." Amy had tried and tried again to remember the space between Bakuda's bomb going off and waking up in that cell, but she hadn't been able to. It - what the fuck had happened to make her forget? Trauma? Memory deletion magic? Something like what Cole did, but... more? It was worse because she had no idea how to even start to fix it, or how worried she should be and there was just so much else to deal with she couldn't begin to panic about that too. "Which raises more questions than answers anyway." She looked down at her hand, turning it over in front of her, the faintly glowing green lines all over her palm and the back of her hand, going up to just past her wrist.

"That is true, but consider: to an Andrastian, the very fact you arrived in such a way, at such a time to interrupt Corypheus's ritual and then survived the magical backlash looks to be a sign of the Maker's touch on you, his hand in your presence. You were exactly what was needed at exactly the right moment, and since then, you have used your blessed ability to heal to expel the Taint from a young man, saving the rebel mages from a Tevinter Magister, and now it is known that you faced down a demon that threatened to enslave the Templars. You have done what the Conclave set out to do, succeeding where they were destroyed, and forged a peace between the warring sides." Solas ticked the points off as he stood there.

"Anyone who wants to believe in it can see the Hand of the Maker in your presence in Thedas. It is obvious, to them." Solas concluded. "His people needed help and there you were.

Amy snorted, "So, what, the Maker looked at this world, saw the Breach was coming, saw the war between the Mages and Templars and what Corypheus was up to and knew that his followers would need help, and he sent me?" She gestured to herself, scoffing at the stupidity of the idea. She was the handpicked savior by an all powerful god? Anyone who believed that was a credulous idiot. "What, was I the best he could get on such short notice?!"

Solas shrugged - it was a very small, easy to miss motion. "You would be better served asking someone who believes in the Maker as to what reasoning they would use. I remain unconvinced as to his existence, but I have seen enough history in the Fade to know how people tend to think, and while I admire your desire to remain Amy Dallon in the face of the titles foisted on you, be it Herald or Panacea, your efforts will be ultimately futile."

"Well, hopefully it won't matter for much longer, with the Herald thing, anyway." Amy said, crossing her fingers. "Close the Breach, find a way home, and then... I'm done with the Herald nonsense." She hated that Solas was probably right about it being futile. That was why she'd hated being stuck with Panacea in the first place. She hadn't even wanted a cape name or a cape costume in the first place. If she had to do healing - and she had to, once she had the ability - people could just call her Amy Dallon.

But no. She had to be Panacea. She had to wear the stupid robes.

And yet I keep wearing them, because I prefer being Panacea to being 'Herald'. Panacea she could understand. It was familiar.

Amy took a deep breath, moved the chair from the little table by the window to sit next to the bed, in case Solas wanted to sit while he watched and then she sat on the bed, looking at the vial. She took another breath, exhaling it long and slow.

It's a good thing this will put me to sleep quickly. She popped the cork and brought the vial to her lips, tilting it and her head back and then - the yellow-brown contents slid into her mouth, the texture akin to gravy, rather than something someone would normally drink...

It was, as promised, somewhat better tasting than it looked - but it was still sour, bitter and tart, and while not disgusting...

It was good there wasn't a lot of it. The vial empty, she handed it to Solas, to had held out a hand, and laid back on the bed, closing her eyes.

I want to talk to Shaper. I want to dream one of my nicer dreams. The ones where I just... get to be happy. She repeated those two thoughts in her head over and over and over again. She heard Solas sit and then -

Sleep claimed her.

---

Amy opened her eyes in an unfamiliar living room - it was pretty simple, hardwood floors, some nice but not fancy rugs on the floor, a TV, a sofa, two arm chairs, a bunch of shelves with books and movies. One of the armchairs had a book and a coffee mug on a little side table next to it. Pretty familiar. A place where she could just sit and read and be free of the rest of the world.

But what was not familiar was what was curled up next to the armchair.

A dragonling.

It was smaller than the ones she'd seen on the Storm Coast, but it was a fucking Dragonling, despite being cat-sized. She'd never dreamed of a pet Dragonling before, and why the fuck would she now? That had to be Shaper, right?

But it is really cute... Amy wanted to believe that some of her interest in Dragons was her own, rather than Shaper, but where exactly did it end and she begin when it came to those things? How much ability to influence her brain did Shaper really have? Could she even figure it out?

Would Shaper even be honest?

Amy was jolted out of her thoughts by the sound of her own voice coming behind her.

"...Yes, Vicky, my wife will be there." Amy turned, feeling her brain completely shut down and restart at the mention of the word 'wife'.

I mean, I did sometimes dream of being able to be in love with someone else and find them and just... be happy with them and -

The Dream-Amy that walked right through her as if she wasn't there was dressed in a nice, but understated floral blouse and a pair of jeans that clung way too tight to Dream-Amy's legs and her rear for Amy to ever wear something like that.

Great. Dream me actually looks good in clothes that are supposed to be flattering. Vicky had tried to get Amy to wear tighter jeans like those, but Amy knew she couldn't pull them off in real life...

The Dream version of her looked to be... late twenties? She was definitely older, and her hair was tied back in a loose ponytail. The phone still in her hand as she crouched down and started to pet the little Dragonling, which let out this adorable little chirp-like sound as Dream-Amy's fingers scratched along the top of its head lightly, and then under its chin. It responded to the touches like a cat, leaning into them, stretching a little, tail twitching.

Goddamnit, that really is cute...

"Yes, Vicky," Dream-Amy said in a fondly exasperated tone Amy had heard from her own lips all the time. "I'm getting enough sleep and - Vicky!" The tone of dismay and shock coming from Dream-Amy only seemed half-affected and Amy wondered what the Dream-Vicky was saying on the other end of the phone. "No, not having this conversation." A pause, "Because. Yes. Because." Pause. "Because you know why I'm not having this conversation with my sister!" Another pause, then Dream Amy smiled. "Exactly." Pause, "Alright. Talk to you later, and see you at your place next week. I'll tell my wife you said hello."

"I keep saying 'my wife' instead of her name because I'm still amazed I get to call her that." Dream-Amy said, "Yes, even six months since the wedding."

Amy pinched the bridge of her nose, covering her eyes and trying to ignore the way she was blinking back tears, the feeling of something thick in her throat. "This is nice, but I'm trying to talk to Shaper. So where are you?" Amy closed her eyes and focused on Shaper. Shaper. Shaper. Shaper. Shaper. She heard what she could only describe as a rippling sound all around her, and she found herself in a familiar dream - the endless hospital corridor, lined with hospital beds with patients, stretching on forever in either direction and Amy's breath caught.

But unlike when she'd had this nightmare before, the walls and ceiling of the hallway around where she stood were covered in outcroppings of blood red crystals, again all sharp angles and hard edges.

"There you are, you little bitch," Amy glared at the closest crystal formation, which grew (and the others shrank) until it was about a foot away from her face.

[AFFIRMATION]

Amy inhaled, feeling her heart beating in her chest, feeling it in her throat. Finally, she could talk to, yell at her shitty power, and vent years worth of rage at it. She'd spent hours and hours imagining how this would go and then -

And now that she was staring at Shaper again, it was all gone, her mind absolutely fucking blank. She still had all the feelings of frustration and anger and confusion. All the things she wanted to know, but she couldn't - she couldn't form them into a question.

The most she could do is what came out of her mouth now:

"What the fuck?!" Amy threw her hands up into the air. "Just - what the fuck?!" She laughed hysterically at the stupidity of the question, and Shaper's response made it clear how dumb it was.

[INCOMPREHENSION]

God you're a fucking idiot, of course that's a question it can't answer! Even still, she barely held back from kicking the crystal again and she scrambled for something -

"What are you? You're some kind of brain parasite, but - are you a fucking alien? I mean, agent theory is true, are the super conspiracy nuts even more right? Are powers from aliens? What are you? What do you want!?"

[ACCESS DENIED]

"Access Denied? By What? By who? If you don't want to tell me, just fucking say so? Do you have a fucking boss? What is this your fucking job? Do alien brain parasites have wages? What do you get paid in? Dead puppies, ruined lives? What the hell does 'Access Denied' mean? Who is denying me access?!"

[ACCESS DENIED] Shaper repeated, and Amy screamed, hands tugging at her hair.

"So, access to who is denying me access is also denied?"

[AFFIRMATION]

"God, I fucking hate you so much," Amy balled and unballed her hands into fists. She could guess Shaper's response, and sure enough...

[RECIPROCATION]

"Okay. Fine. You hate me back. Why? I hate you because you ruined my life and gave me a power I never asked for that can do all kinds of horrible things and then you keep trying to prompt me to do horrible things with it! Make monsters out of HR Geiger's nightmare, make tailored bioweapons, fuck people's bodies up just because I can! Why do you hate me? Because I'm sane and don't want to hurt people or make gross amalgamations of eyes, loose flesh and seventeen limbs?"

[AFFIRMATION]

Amy blinked. "Wait, really? The fuck? Why the fuck do you want me to make bioweapons? Do you want to kill people? What the fuck? Is that why powers exist? Just to kill humans? Some kind of-"

[NEGATION]

"So killing isn't the point, just a side effect?!"

[AFFIRMATION]

"Great! Just thrilled to know that you consider people's lives secondary to whatever the fuck you're after! So what the fuck do you want?" She was playing twenty questions with a goddamn alien brain parasite rock that had a vocabulary of what, a hundred words?

What the fuck is going on!? How is this something that is happening?

[DATA]

"Data? You want data?" Amy covered her face with her hands again, pressing on her eyelids for a moment as she tried to slow her thoughts down and try to work through the things running through her mind at a million miles an hour.

If this really is some sort of alien brain parasite it's probably not speaking English at me. It's in my head, so it's probably like... sending signals to my brain directly, right? Impressions and ideas, rather than specific words.

"How does making weird and horrifying monsters and super-kudzu and double-extra nerve gas qualify as 'Data'? What sort of data do you want?"

[LIFE. CHANGE.]

"Data from life and changing life?" That - that was what Shaper did. It detected everything about a living organism and she could change anything about it...

There had to be a reason why whatever impression it was sending was coming across as the word 'Data', right? Data meant information, but there was like... a science connotation to it, right? It was 'Data' not 'Information' not 'Knowledge'. Data.

"You're - what, a fucking scientist trying to learn about life on Earth and see what happens when you poke it the right way? Is that what all powers are doing?" Well, no, it - that doesn't - that couldn't be it. Vicky's power couldn't want data on life and changing life. Did they all even want Data, or was it just Shaper?"

'Access Denied' really implies someone in charge, right? So probably all powers want Data, because...

But it's not data about life. Or not just -

"It's an experiment? You're running experiments about how people use their powers and what happens when they use them?!" Amy started raising her voice, pacing as she did so. "We're your fucking lab rats! You deal out powers and just... see what the fuck happens with them, don't you?"

There was a long silent moment, and Amy started at the crystal in front of her, and Shaper said nothing and Amy stared and Shaper was silent, and then:

[AFFIRMATION]

"Where the fuck do you get off on using us as labrats? How many lives have powers ruined? How many people have triggered? How many people have been killed or hurt or traumatized or fucking mind raped by powers!? You just - you guys created Ash Beast! Heartbreaker! The Slaughterhouse 9! Kaisar! Lung! What the Fuck is wrong with you?! Why the absolute motherfucking goddamn hell are you psychopaths doing this!?"

Amy felt like she was on the verge of bursting a blood vessel.

[ACCESS DENIED]

"It's like talking to a brick wall." Amy paused, "A brick wall that hates me and wants to make Nilbog look like a lame-ass loser by comparison, but a brick wall."

[NEGATION]

"Negation about what? The brick wall, or making Nilbog look like a lame-lass loser?" If she had to have some kind of alien brain parasite in her head giving her powers she never asked for, could it at least talk in a way that was more fucking normal?

[FIRST]

"First? The first one? So you're not a brick wall? Then give me something I can work with! Powers have probably killed or ruined the lives of - fuck, millions of people, even ignoring the Endbringers and-" Amy pushed the Endbringers aside. She doubted Shaper would have answers for that, or at least - would give them and Amy -

"Why? Why are you doing this for Data? Answer the fucking question with something other than 'Acess Denied!'"

[NEGATION]

"Oh fuck you! Fucking -" Amy pulled at her hair again and as she pulled her hands away, she had actual hair in her hands, not like, huge chunks, but threads of her hair and she hadn't noticed them being pulled out and -

"Dream logic. Fucking dream logic right?" Amy wanted to reach out and shake Shaper like you shook a disobedient vending machine, or grabbed someone being stupid by the shoulders.

Asking Shaper about why it wanted to run an experiment was not going to work. Whatever the 'Data' about using powers was, she would -

She would have to give up on that one, for now.

She inhaled slowly, or tried to - and failed - and then she tried again. It only worked on the third time, and her exhalation was shaky and staggered and she -

"How do I get rid of you? Is there a way I can just... stop having you in my head?" She couldn't get rid of it while she was in Thedas, not with Taint and stuff and people needing her help when they didn't have real medicine and people back home needed Panacea but -

But having a way to lose her power if the temptation to - to do something to Vicky got too strong...

That would be -

That could be good, right? And if Shaper hated her-

[CESSATION EXISTENCE]

Amy blinked.

"So I'm stuck with you until I'm dead?"

[AFFIRMATION]

"That's just great. I just love being stuck with you."

[AGREEMENT]

Amy blinked again. Did Shaper understand sarcasm? It was in her head, so maybe it grasped she was being insincere and -

"...you're as stuck with me as I am with you?"

[AFFIRMATION] [UNFORTUNATE]

"And you hate me because I'm not generating the kind of 'make horrifying things that kill people or are weird, twisted abominations before God and Nature right out of the nightmares of horror movie monsters' Data you want?"

[APPROXIMATION]

"So you're stuck with someone you hate who doesn't give you what you want?"

[AFFIRMATION]

"Good." Amy crossed her arms in front of her chest and turned away. "Now you fucking now how I feel." It was bad enough she had to have a power like this, had to have a power at all but - again, if not for that stupid fucking Manton Limit, she could have changed her own brain, made it so she wasn't in love with her own sister like a gross incestous freak. She could even make herself actually look pretty and like -

Amy wasn't vain. She wasn't. But she didn't like being the plain, boring member of New Wave. she didn't want to be some kind of super model, god fuck no, but -

It would be nice to be something other than a boring, mousey, plain girl who didn't even begin to look like she fit in with her family, all of whom were like -

Vicky got her looks from somewhere after all. Even if she was like, a million times more than the sum of her parts because of course she was but -

But instead, Amy couldn't affect herself.

If she had to have this power, why couldn't she use it to make herself not so goddamn gross and fucked up in the head? Maybe she could have made herself enjoy healing.

Except that Shaper doesn't enjoy healing. How much of that is -

Amy hadn't had a chance to ask that, but the last thing she wanted to do was continue this fucking game of twenty questions with her power.

[INCOMPREHENSION]

"Don't give a fuck," Amy didn't turn to look at the Crystal. "Be confused for all I care."

You're being an idiot Amy. You won't have a chance to do this again in at least five weeks. Maybe ever, if you go back home before then, which, please, please please please that would be ideal...

What did Amy even want though?

She - she had some sort of answer as to what Shaper wanted. And why it wanted her to do horrible shit. And clearly, powers didn't care about the casualties for their experiment.

I can't get rid of Shaper. Not really surprised. Not that I know if I believe it, but - what else do I have?

Shaper didn't like how Amy didn't use her power much. Good. Shaper was clearly a piece of shit. An evil alien brain parasite.

But you are stuck with it.

Suddenly the crystals in her peripheral vision shifted, some growing, some shrinking, and then another one formed on the ground in front of her, growing to eye-level.

[QUERY: TAINT]

Amy blinked.

"What?" She dropped her arms by her side, dumbstruck by the sudden shift in topic, by -

[QUERY: TAINT]

"Okay, you said that, but what do you mean? It's the fucking Taint. It's Evil."

[AGREEMENT]

"WHAT?!" Amy rubbed at her temples. "You hate the Taint. Okay That - that makes sense. Yeah. The Taint is fucking disgusting."

[DESTROY TAINT]

"Sounds like a plan. Do you have any ideas?" Shaper hated the Taint. That really wasn't surprised. She'd guessed as much already. Amy couldn't believe she'd like the Taint anyway, fuck no, but there was - was the sheer totality of the disgust she felt her own? Or was some of it from Shaper.

Right. I wanted - I need to know how much influence it has on how I think? It can't control me, obviously, or I'd be doing horrible stuff, but - but is it - it gives ideas, but does it control how I feel about things, or am I just picking up on -

Do I like Dragons because of Shaper or -

Do I hate healing because of Shaper?

Can Shaper make me feel certain things, or does it just... magnify?

Amy had a hundred reasons why she hated healing - the repetitiveness of it, the boringness, the endless parade of human misery, the fact that she knew there was never going to be an end to it. The constant attempts by people to thank her for something that was basically the bare minimum right thing to do. The fact that she would occasionally be faced with someone with a brain issue in addition to whatever else she was doing that she couldn't save. The constant awareness she could do more to people with her power.

Maybe she could blame that last one on Shaper, but - it's not like she didn't know what she could do with her power anyway. And she was - she wasn't a good person, so of course she'd constantly think of the bad things she could do with her power, or even the - the neutral things. Changing people in ways that might even have been beneficial but -

Unintended consequences. They were a thing.

[NEGATION]

"How helpful," Amy muttered. She inhaled, "You can't control me, obvious."

[UNFORTUNATE AFFIRMATION]

"Oh fuck you," Amy looked around the hallway. She couldn't punch Shaper either, but maybe she could find something heavy in this dream hospital to hit it with...

Are there any fire extinguishers like I used at the bank and -

As she thought of the bank and of slamming the fire extinguisher against Skitter's skull, the hospital hall rippled around them, and she was in the fucking bank - or at least some dream-memory of it and red crystals were all around and she saw herself slamming the fire extinguisher against Skitter's skull and then -

"I never hit her in the stomach with it!" Amy protested, though it was an appealing idea. She couldn't bring herself to feel bad about liking it either, or feel bad about letting out a fucking cheer when she saw herself hitting Tattletale in her smug little face with the extinguisher, probably knocking out a few teeth.

"I could watch this all day..." Amy murmured, grinning. She was starting to see Solas's point about getting lost in what the Fade could offer because... yeah. The other her just started whaling in on Tattletale, and Amy found herself wishing she had popcorn or - something.

[IRRELEVANT. PRIORITY: TAINT]

"No, Priority not Taint," Amy turned around to see a massive crystal formation now, taller than her, and she looked up a bit to see the top of it, craning her neck, then went back to normal level. "I don't have any ideas on how to destroy the Taint. You can't affect it at all. Unless you've been holding out."

Amy didn't think so though.

[NEGATION]

"So yeah. I have a -"

[DATA]

Part of the crystal quickly grew towards her hand and touched it before she could stop it and then she -

By the time I was done with Felix, I had pretty much doubled how long his white blood cells could last against the Taint. It was as if she was touching Felix again, sensing the way his white blood cells had been changed, and -

And then the impression/touch memory/whatever Shaper was giving her changed, to when she was touching Fiona, and the way she couldn't identify what it was that made her immune to the Taint but she'd had some ideas on how she might be able to clone Fiona's Memory B Cell equivalents and -

So I guess I could - I mean, I could try to do something about Taint and get better at fighting it and maybe -

Amy shook her head.

"You just want me to use my power more!"

[AFFIRMATION] Then there was a moment. [DESTROY TAINT]

Amy swallowed, because it was such a tempting idea. And - would it even be wrong? She'd already changed something, when she improved Felix's white blood cells re: the taint. And - and -

But this was what Shaper wanted and Shaper was evil and -

Why was she even considering it? Why had she considered anything she 'could' do that -

"Are you making me consider it!? Are you - are you - are you planting thoughts in my head?!" Amy demanded, wrenching her hand away from the Shaper-growth, stepping back, swallowing, feeling her heart beating in her chest and -

[NEGATION]

Should I even believe it? If she couldn't, why was she even asking Shaper anything? Could Shaper even lie? Would it bother? She -

Vicky would know what the fuck to do with all this.

Amy licked her lips. She wasn't her sister. But she wasn't - she wasn't an idiot. And -

And her sister would press on and try to get information and -

She had to know. Or have some kind of answer.

"Can you influence how I feel about things? I - I mean, the Taint is Evil with a capital E but - would I have been so fucking violent in my reactions if you didn't also hate it? And - and when I got super into Iron Bull's biology or - the way I bit Varric's head off when he was gonna kill that Dragonling and - and - are you behind me feeling like that? Did you make me be fascinated by the Dragonling? Are you the reason I keep thinking about Dragons?"

[NEGATION] [AFFIRMATION] [COMPLEXITY]

"What?" Amy felt like a broken record but - she -

"So... yes, no, and it's complicated? Why can't you just talk like a normal... anything!" She tangled her hands in her hair and let out a half-repressed scream of frustration as she bit her lower lip and -

[RECIPROCATION]

That pulled her short, and she stepped back again, blinking repeatedly.

"Wait, so you have difficulty understanding what I'm saying too?"

[APPROXIMATION]

"That - I - oh fuck you," There was no heat in it that time, more just a breathless addition as Amy processed that and realized...

Yeah. No, that made sense and - of course the alien brain parasite that couldn't communicate in many words would have difficulty with the way Amy talked and - it wasn't like the damn thing spoke English, right? It was trying to translate her thoughts too and -

"Gah!" Amy turned back around to look at herself hitting Skitter in the head with the fire extinguisher again, because apparently this much more violent (but fun) version of that day at the bank was on a loop in her head. She took several breaths. Time for more twenty questions.

She turned back around. Vicky might get angry. No. She would get angry. But she'd stay on topic. Even when she went too far on thugs and hurt them too much, she kept her eye on the ball. Like when she'd interrogated the one she threw the dumpster at.

"Can you make me feel something out of like... whole cloth?" That was -

Amy could imagine reasons why she'd find Dragons interesting on her own. They were interesting. She'd never touched anything quite like them, and - and part of the reason she'd found that dragonling so interesting was because of how it had connected to the weird frankenstein biology of Iron Bull and how she'd tried to make sense of that. You didn't need Shaper to explain that, right?

Same idea with hating the Taint, or hating healing and -

[NEGATION]

Amy closed her eyes, exhaling, feeling her shoulders sag.

All this assumed Shaper was telling the truth, still a big assumption but -

If I think it, it's my thought. If I feel it, it's my feeling.

That -

That was -

So yeah... I can't blame Shaper for being an incestous freak. Or for thinking about ways I could fuck with the biology of a criminal when I have to heal them.

But it also meant that she hated the Taint and liked dragons all on her own.

"But you also said 'yes' and 'it's complicated. And you hate the Taint and love Dragons too."

[AFFIRMATION]

"So what does that mean? You can't make me feel something out of nothing, but you said yes to the idea that you could make me feel things.

[IMPRESSION]

"Impression? What does that-!?" Amy cut herself off. Screeching at Shaper wouldn't help her. It never did. She put both hands over the bridge of her nose, thumbs under her chin.

Let's just assume Shaper is telling the truth for a moment. It can't make me feel things out of nowhere or nothing. But it can make me feel things. It said... impression. As in, -

The word impression was a stumbling block for her as she tried to make sense of it, and she paced, then:

"Are you like - can you give me an impression of a feeling? Like, you can't make me feel something, but you can - you're in my brain. That can't not have an impact on how I think. You're my goddamn corona pollentia and corona gemma, right?"

[APPROXIMATION]

"I hate it when you say that. But those are in the brain, and you can't be physically in my brain without having some impact on it, so - do I pick up your feelings sometimes?"

[AFFIRMATION] [APPROXIMATION] [AFFIRMATION]

Amy blinked at the phrasing.

"So... like, really close, but not exact?"

[AFFIRMATION]

At least it's not 'approximation' again...

"Lovely. Can you fucking stop it?"

[AFFIRMATION]

Amy blinked. That was -

That felt too easy. Shaper hated her, right? Why would Shaper stop doing something just because she asked.

"Will you?"

[NEGATION]

Amy groaned, balling hands into fists by her side, head thrown back as she repeatedly made noises of frustration.

"I'm stuck with you. You're stuck with me. I hate you. You hate me." We're a miserable fam-ily. Amy pushed down on the playground 'Anti-Barney' song reference that immediately rose to mind as she said that. "We have to live with each other. I'm not making monstrosities or weird hybrid monsters or fucking bioweapons or anything like that. I'd rather die. And if I die, there's no one to touch Dragons for you."

There was a silence, and Amy crossed her arms in front of her, glaring at the blood red crystal in front of her. Why were they blood read, anyway? And all sharp angles and stuff? Coronas weren't made from crystals, or blood red...

[QUERY. PROPOSAL: EXCHANGE]

Amy thought about that one.

"You're offering a deal?" Amy blinked. "No. You're asking me to offer a deal?"

[AFFIRMATION]

"Okay..." What did Amy want, short of Shaper not being in her head at all? Shaper not giving her its feelings would be nice. Maybe it could stop suggesting horrible creations. What could she offer it? To get rid of the Taint when she could? That - she'd try to do that anyway?

To maybe try and experiment more to like... get better at combating it? If I get the chance anyway? That would mean experimenting with her power. Exactly the shit Shaper wanted. But-

Shaper wants Dragons. I want Dragons. But I don't have any, and going to try and touch a fully grown Dragon is still a really bad idea... you know, what with the risk of being charbroiled and all.

"Okay. You stop pushing your feelings on me, you don't give me ideas on how to make bioweapons or horrifying monstrosities and I - I promise to do more work on altering blood cells to fight the Taint and stuff? I - I'll try to ask Fiona if I can take a sample of her blood and... and store it in something alive that will preserve it or... something?

Will she even agree? Can't blood mages do bad stuff with other people's blood? Like, specifically? And -

Amy remembered reading a passing mention in the Tale of the Champion about Templars tracking mages with vials of their blood. So would Fiona even agree?

I can ask.

"And - I mean - if we run into Dragonlings again, I'll - we can touch one and learn more and I - If I can touch a Dragon without dying, I promise I'll try?"

[NEGATION]

Before Amy could do more than let out an angry half-scream, Shaper said more:

[PROPOSAL: MODIFICATION.] [ELFROOT]

"Elfroot?" Amy's eyes were wide as she tried to grasp what it meant. It wanted to modify the deal Amy was proposing, that much Amy could follow. But what about elfroot? There was -

"The idea of the not-actually stem cell mass. You want me to try to make that." That had to be it, right? Shaper wanted experimentation. But - that wasn't a horrible weird hybrid monstrosity, or some sort of gross monster or - or a terrifying bioweapon or -"You'd be okay with that instead of all the evil stuff you want me to make?"

[NEGATION]

[DATA]

[UNFORTUNATE] [SUFFICIENT]

Amy furrowed her brow and -

"So... it's not really what you want, but it's better than nothing?"

[AFFIRMATION]

Amy frowned. She hated the idea of giving Shaper any experimentation. Doing it to fight the Taint was one thing. It was - the Taint was fucking evil. And the changes she'd made to white blood cells to fight it couldn't really go wrong because of how specialized they were, and the Taint would still kill just about whatever she made to fight it. She didn't think she could make anything immune to the Taint.

There was too much magical Fade bullshit in there for that.

The not-stem-cells stuff, making some sort of paste or something that could be slapped onto major injuries as a sort of triage, or on minor injuries

There would be a lot of tricks to it. Could she make it? Could she ensure it was safe? Could she ensure that it was able to... stay alive and functioning without her? Could she make it grow on it's own? That could -

If she could do that, without a risk of it growing out of control and -

If I could do that, it could fucking revolutionize healing. Here on Thedas, you'd need less health potions, and if I could make it back home...

Hospitals could have it on hand for a lot of stuff. Especially for triage after major disasters or cape fights. She could legitimately have less work to do.

All of that was a lot of 'ifs'. There was no guarantee she could make it work and make it safe and -

And she hated that she was thinking of it. That she was seriously contemplating it. She didn't want to make stuff. She didn't want to experiment.

But she could save lives, right? And - and it might get Shaper off her back and - and...

Part of her wanted to see if it could work.

There was a time when she'd approached her power with wonder. She'd never wanted to make stuff with it, but -

But she hadn't always hated her power. Not entirely.

She'd recaptured enjoying reading. She wanted to read books now. She could. She could enjoy them and -

Would it - would it be so bad to -

It would. It would be so bad. Right?

But -

But it could save lives. And - and she could make sure she didn't use it on people until she was sure it was safe and test it and -

And -

It would make Shaper get off her back, at least a little, right?

I'm a selfish piece of shit... Even as she had that thought though, Amy - Amy wasn't sure she could agree? She - she knew that was a familiar pattern to fall down. It wasn't even - it wasn't completely wrong. Amy was selfish. Because if she wasn't, she would have warned Victoria about why her sister should stay away from her and -

But -

But this wasn't -

"I'll experiment with elfroot and see if I can make that not-stem-cell stuff work." Amy told Shaper.

This wasn't - this wasn't bad. Or at least... maybe it didn't have to? Was this just her rationalizing? Making excuses?

I can talk to Cassandra before I actually do anything? I'd need some living elfroot to hand to actually like... make sure I was getting it right, right? She wasn't going to be copying what elfroot did exactly, but she'd need that as a baseline to check against...

And she'd have to figure out how to explain Shaper to Cassandra. But she could do that.

Should I talk to Solas about Shaper? He could verify to Cassandra that it wasn't some demon possessing her, since he'd been able to check for any lingering influence from Envy and -

But the idea of telling Solas about Shaper before Cassandra felt... wrong.

What do I tell Cassandra exactly? That my powers are an alien brain parasite that wants to like... make horrible evil flesh monsters and superplagues, and... it also loves Dragons, hates the Taint and hates me?

Cassandra wouldn't do the sword first and ask questions later thing. She trusts me too. More than she should maybe but -

Cassandra would give Amy time to make her case. So Amy could - she just needed to decide her case.

"And the same part I already offered about the Taint and Dragons," Amy added. "Deal?"

[ACCEPTANCE]

Amy inhaled, "This won't make you stop hating me, right?" Because that -

Shaper didn't care about people suffering because of experiments and other powers didn't either, she assumed... Shaper was Evil. Bad.

I feel vindicated even more about never wanting powers in the first place... Amy thought idly, smiling at the thought. Then she frowned at how satisfied she felt at the thought and -

Amy shook her head, shoving all that aside. The point was that if Shaper stopped hating her, Amy -

There was an old joke. Something about someone not wanting to join any club that would have him.

Amy wouldn't want to be not-hated by something like Shaper.

[NEGATION]

"Oh thank god. Then yeah. I guess we have a deal."

---

---

Author's Note: It is very important that I say this, so there's no confusion. Experimentation alone is not enough to satisfy Shaper. Shaper wants abominations against nature. Shaper wants the Wretch. It wants the 'oops, all ears' guy from Ward. It wants much more than just playing around with some not-actually stem-cells to make a way to heal a little better without Amy to hand.

But some experimentation is better than nothing. It still generates some Data. Basically, Shaper will go from like -100 affinity with Amy, to like... -80. It will still hate her, as it just said, but it will hate her less. And that's improvement.

I'm never going to have a Shaper POV because shardspeak is hard enough to get right on the outside, but one of the things going through Shaper's mind is that it's not sure that if Amy died, it would be able to actually stay connected to Thedas enough to find a host there, not yet anyway. It wants Dragon Data. It wants to destroy the Taint. It does indeed want more on Elfroot and to see if there's more interesting stuff on this world worth experimenting with. So it does want Amy alive.

The limits of how Shards talk make it hard for Shaper to convey all of this, of course, which is one reason I'm explaining it here rather than it being explained in text. But that's another factor in what's going through Shaper's mind.

 

[Kylia Quilor]

Amy snorted, "So, what, the Maker looked at this world, saw the Breach was coming, saw the war between the Mages and Templars and what Corypheus was up to and knew that his followers would need help, and he sent me?" She gestured to herself, scoffing at the stupidity of the idea. She was the handpicked savior by an all powerful god? Anyone who believed that was a credulous idiot. "What, was I the best he could get on such short notice?!"

Click to shrink...

Words cannot express how pleased I was with myself when I realized I could work the 'best he could get on such short notice' joke into the text of an actual chapter.