DnD Semi-SI: The Adventurer are Terrible People

[shadowdice]

Spoiler: Basically my group's theme song

Some people are truly blessed.

Gifted with amazing physical abilities and talents, magical power and bravery.

Wonderful tales of glory and heroism are told and passed down the generations, lasting hundreds of years from their exploits.

The truth of the matter though? They tend to have batshit insane personalities.

That is what I learned.

So then, I'm going to do my job and spin you a recollection of how I ended up here. And why I FUCKING HATE so many people. What I'm bad? That old woman deserved everything she got and more, may she wish she could scream as Eldar wears her face as a mask.

Now first you must understand the cast of characters. There is the fabulously dressed me, my name? Well the stitching on my clothes as a baby was something I wish there was a pronunciation guide followed by Chaos, but I have too many to count. So we can leave it as N. Chaos, John Hendrix, Michel the Black, Mikhail the White, Yoko O No, and many others. I am a pursuer of beauty, a Bard of the Glamour College, Tailor of Many Suits, and Warlock in service of my Lady. I am a changeling by the way.

As for my...well not friends. There is the evil Monk, yes I said evil and I have reasons for that, Wong Dong. He was some kind of Noble who decided to join a monastic order with terrible clothes. Chester, though that probably isn't his real name, the Illusionist. He was a cheat, liar, conman and a lot more. Leina the Pirate daughter of Stormbeard, she was a half-elf by the way. That got her into so much trouble, probably more insults were about that than being a murderer and pirate. People are weird about these things.

Someone else?

Oh well there was him...Nino. I, unfortunately I knew him the longest. He was a thief, and a rouge, for some reason he became a ranger but that is beside the point.

Our story could start from multiple points.

Perhaps the fucker who caused us to become a postapocalyptic waterworld?

No that was over 200 years ago.

The time Nino got cursed? Well that was 100 years ago and would get boring.

When I first found the asshole and helped him out? I'd rather not.

How about I start when we all met? Like many tales it all began on a ship.

-Passenger Ship Mayweather-

I sighed while Nino stood at the prow of the ship. His current body was that of a common thug we had found in the streets. Tanned skin with scars all over his arms, thick muscles developed in place of a brain. Below average looks, not ugly but if I had seen him on the streets I'd only ever take his appearance as a patsy or to be near unnoticeable. Overall the bastard was likely similar to Nino before he did something so idiotic he ended up cursed. Nino laughed in glee while spreading his arms out against the wind. "Freedom! It tastes so good. Come friend we must enjoy the sweet air and-" I promptly ignored him and began to search for customers.

Looking over the passengers on the deck I saw only a few who wore fine clothes. Velvets and silks did not appear on anyone in sight, but dyed clothes were among the muddled browns of those who could not pay for my services. Another good tell was jewelry. Rings and necklaces were common enough but actual good work was rarer.
There was an attractive woman by the stairway. I couldn't see a coinpouch on her so that was out. Still her face was excellent. Fine cheekbones and skin that remained unwrinkled despite being a sailor. Her leather armor was light as most of them liked and her hips were adorned with a rapier paired with a thick dagger. None of them were particularly elegant, but they were made for function not beauty. Her face made up for it, slightly pointed ears peaked out of bright blond hair.

Half-Elves tended to have excellent faces, and in my personal opinion hers was better than any elf I'd seen.
Still no money, so no selling.

I blinked and turned away to look for a customer. Bald monk in ratty clothes, nope. Young wizard with a beard trailing to his collar bone? No though his robes were nice. Wizards were terrible customers, unless the product was magic they were uninterested as all their money went to the pursuit of knowledge. A few did more than that, but I wasn't going to chance that yet.

My eyes settled on a man in a suit. The black cloth had creases from the shipboard trip but the silver buttons and cufflinks marked him as a man of at least some wealth. "Greetings my friend," I strode him. "Are you perhaps bothered by the cold night air with its salty breeze?" I used a single hand to draw a cloak from my workbag. A tailor always keeps a few showpieces on hand. "This wool cloak is lined with fur," I fingered the bearfur on the inside. "Worked from a bear a friend hunted down this is sure to keep the biting wind from your body."

The man groaned. "I am in no need of a cloak?"

I eyed a ring on his finger. "Perhaps your wife would appreciate such a gift?"

He looked at the cloak for a long moment. No doubt appreciating the finely treated fur. "I will take it. What does 10 gold sound like?"

"Fifteen is the least I could part with, a man risked his life catching a bear and I must pay such people to acquire the materials."

Several minutes later I was twenty gold richer. Such was the life of a merchant.

I smiled at the sky. "Today is a-"

"Pirates!" A man cried.

Oh Gods.

The captain moved from the wheel, shoving one of his men to it as he roared orders to the sailors. A hooded cleric walked by his side, dressed in plain grey robes with a rope belt. The captain was a tall man with broad shoulders, studded leather armor poked out from underneath a white shirt and blue greatcoat bedecked with medals. He looked across the deck. "Anyone willing to fight for the ship?" As expected the passengers began to scream. Women's wails and shouting men stampeding below deck. "There will be gold in it for you!"

At once the Wizard, Half-Elf, and Nino shot upwards, all heading towards the side of the ship as a ship flying the black flag approached. The monk was already standing there, his fists raised up. Ah so he was that kind of monk.

I sighed, my investment would need to be protected. The ship was taking us to the next few ports where I could sell my wares, and I'd be damned if I was going to lose my money and my clothes.

With that in mind I checked my rapier and dagger along with the guitar on my back. It was time to do what I did best. Be the Bard.

Before I could make out what was on the enemy ship mist began to roll off the deck. I did not need to know magic to tell it was the work of some mage. I covered one ear as I heard the sound of the spellwork. Water bubbling in the depths, the waves coming in and out on the shore, wind howling as thunder crackled and the rain poured down. None of these was happening in truth, it was the feel of the mage's spellwork. A druid or powerful ranger of some sort. One who directly called upon nature, it did not have the level of control I associated with a God gifting its worshipper with power.

The only sailor with a weapon out was the captain. How cheap was this shipliner? I had paid over a hundred gold for each of us. If I saw whoever ran this chickenshit group I was going to stab them in the hand for this.

And if I died I'd haunt the fucker.

The captain held a hand over his brow as he peered into the mist. "I cannot see through the fog. One of their men must be a mage."

Given that these were pirates some of them must have crossbows or the like. Whether they could see from inside there was another question. One I did not want to chance. My hands lit up with purple fire as I gestured in the ships direction. My left wrist twisted as my palm turned upwards, the pointer and ring finger formed a V at the ship. "Faerie Fire!" One of my First Circle spells was spent. Through the thick fog three figures burned with dancing purple flame. Screams ran out along the ship before a man shouted at them.

"It is Faerie Fire you fools it will not burn your hides."

And that was the captain.

The woman sailor growled. "Barbaros you fuck."

Figures ran through the fog, the light of those I'd hit with my spell making the outlines of the others visible.

I laughed. "Come to me you welps. Who will be the first to be on the table? Your faces are forfeit if you come aboard. When we are done I will hold you down and slice them off and wear the bloody flesh as masks before ending you. Your bodies will be the puppets of my minion and you will beg me to end you. I will laugh while torturing your friends, hunting down your family, and slaughtering them all while wearing your faces!"

Obviously I wasn't going to do that. Just the smell of it would be disgusting. But threatening pirates in horrible ways tends to work. Just like that the three flames retreated.

"I love being me."

A crossbow bolt whistled out of the fog, it slammed into the monk with a great crunch as bone broke, the force of the blow sent him sprawling onto the deck as blood flew out of his collarbone.

"Ha, they are weak," The Pirate Captain crowed.

Nino laughed. "Oh yeah, come and trade swords with me if you think we are so weak." Oh gods not this again.

An elven man leaped from the pirate ship, landing gracefully on one of the barrels lining the ship's side. Without a sign of imbalance his left foot kicked off the wood and he stood on the deck between the sailor woman and Nino. Despite my companion's insults he gazed only at the half-elf. "Half-breed you survived when we threw you into the ocean. Well you will fetch a pretty price on the market."

She snorted and spat at him. "Turning slaver already, have some class."

"Coming from a mongrel? It seems your tongue needs to be torn out."

Nino bristled at being ignored. "You fop come and take my sword!"

The pirate captain turned to him, his hair waving in the wind as if he had a spell specifically meant to give him the 'Noble Forest Elf' look. "Human craftsmanship is the make of inferior beings."

I twitched and looked at his sword. It was as plain and unadorned as my own rapier. A thin thing meant only for stabbing. It lacked the telltale curves and lightness of Elven masterwork, nor did it have the sound of magic weaved within. His clothes had once been fine, but patches were threadbare. A black greatcloak was stained with soot and crusted with salt and bloodstains. His boots, oh by the gods his boots were half a size too large.

"You lying filth!" I railed on him. "What do you have to say about style? None of your clothes are distinctively Elven. You probably looted them off of corpses you cheap piece of shit. His sword, that is a rapier forged over a hundred years ago, imbued with magic to never rust. The gem at the guard is specially made to hold in spells within. If you knew anything of craftsmanship you would weep. WEEP I say to wield it!"

Nino grinned as he held out the sword by the blade.

The pirate snorted and grabbed it. In that moment Nino shuddered and collapsed like a marrionette cut from its strings. He blinked and turned. I stared at the crumbled body, then at the sword. Elves were resistant to charm spells and the like. That idiot had been a going around for over a year, and Nino hadn't tried to possess an elf in all the months he'd been complaining about needing to get another body. He had been possessing everyone who I could get to touch the sword, and he never tried an elf?

I looked at the body of Nino's most recent victim, then at the sword that his soul was in. "Nino, you are an idiot who wants to get me killed."

Two more pirates leaped from their ship, screaming battlecries as they waved their blades. A crew of six was trying to rob us? Fire crackles to the left as light filled up the deck. Craning my head up I saw a Giant sized Fire Elemental, the vaguely manshaped entity roared a challenge as the wizard waved his hands. "Surrender or be burned to death you fools." The new attackers backpedaled, both stumbling around the barrels and nearly falling overboard as they tried to run back over to their ship. I ran to the nearest one and kicked the barrel out from under him, he cried out and flipped over, barely keeping a hold of the rail instead of descending into the roiling water.

The other pirate turned to me, Faerie Fire still lighting him up. I drew my own rapier and held it out. Behind him the cleric was praying over the monk. The bloodied. crossbow bolt lay to the side. "So, I am going to assume you get your clothes from corpses." I looked over his ripped and torn shirt patched together in a motley of different fabrics. "You people need an actual tailor to look like anything other than third rate jesters." To the side the monk began to rise, his head swinging from side to side as he took in the situation again.

My opponent ran towards me, his rapier jabbing at me as I backed away. Sidestepping the attacked I found myself sandwiched between the poorly dressed pirate, and the captain wielding Nino. The woman sailor dashed to the side, falling in a controlled tumble before springing up with her blade sinking into my attacker's shoulder. The weapon ripped out of the man and parried her own opponent's strike.

The imposing pirate captain shoved his subordinate to the side away from the rails. "Kill the mongrels." His eyes fixed on her. "I should have thrown you overboard as a child."

"And I should have slit your throat in your sleep," She snarked. "But we all make mistakes we regret. Killing you won't be one of them." Their blades crossed once again.

Once again my opponent snarled as he charged me. "I'd say you're face would be an excellent mask but it is too damaged to be used for anything but leather strips." Vicious Mockery took effect as the man held his head in pain. That moment of distraction was enough though, the Monk leaped at the man his fist slamming into his neck so hard blood sprayed onto the bald man's head. With that I turned around to the man struggling to not die as he scratched at the rail, trying to get a good grip with his other hand. My knife slammed down through his hand, impaling it into the wood. "So," I drawled. "Really regretting not staying on your ship and running away now huh?"

He whimpered.

"I have better things to do than torturing pirates."

He sighed.

"So I'll just kill you and loot your corpse," I speared through his chest with my rapier and used my free hand to pull the corpse over the rails. Losing the body might mean I'd need another knife afterall. Besides who knew how much gold could be in his coinpurse.

The woman and Pirate Captain continued to duel, one of his men's corpses lied at their feet with a long slash through his throat.

So that was three out of six.

As I thought about that the Pirate Captain shouted back to his men. "Retreat, burn the slaves!" My jaw dropped as two of the pirates vaulted back to their ship to follow that order. Their Captain retreated, standing on one of the barrels as the woman lunged at him, he parried her blade with a laugh. "My men, come with me!" The man threw Nino's sword onto the deck and cackled as he jumped off the ship, diving into the waters below.

"Fucking Druid bastard!" The woman screamed.

Turning my eyes back to the pirate ship I saw smoke coming out from the lower levels as screams filled the air. One of the pirates fumbled with the padlock as his fellow leaped into the sea. I could hear children's wails among the screams. Even I had standards so there was only one thing I could do. In a few strides I was at the edge and crossed jumped from one ship to the other. The pirate stared at me as I screamed. "Unlock the fucking door!"

He laughed. Why the hell was he laughing? I had a sword and killed his friends!

Just like that he dove into the water like the other surviving pirates.

The woman and monk crossed the water after the pirate had gone. For a moment the woman searched through her pockets before screaming. "I don't have lockpicks." The Monk took a hold of the lock and punched it before holding onto his fist as blood flowed out of it. A wordless cry of pain left his lips. The woman pulled at her hair. "How do we open it?"

I looked around for something, anything that could open the door. There were no hammers or anything of the like in sight. I began to pound on the door, my shoulder slamming into it as it tried to break it down. The woman did the same, both of us hitting it as hard as we could. "Monk, whatever your name is, help beat it down."

He shook his head and knelt as he bowed his head. "I shall pray for their souls."

"What?" The woman roared. "They are alive, if all three of us put our weight in we can break it down," She groaned and charged at the door again. "Just help us gods damnit."

He continued to pray instead of intervening.

I growled and looked at me dagger and the bent lock. "Damn it all!" I slammed the knife into the bent lock, furiously stabbing into the hole with the blade until by some stroke of luck the warped snapped in half, freeing up the room to wiggle the wretched thing off. The woman threw back the door, sending a cloud of smoke and tongues of fire into the air. The screams grew louder, filling my ears with their suffering as if we were at a portal to the Hells themselves.

"Water, we need water." I ran to the other side of the deck, ripping open barrels as I searched for something to douse it out. Wine, beer, more wine. I searched everything I could find, throwing lids open and searching for water. The monk began to drag a winebarrel to the fire. Could that douse out the flames?

"I will feed the fires to make them die faster," The monk stated.

WHAT THE EVERLOVING FUCK?

I screamed and punched another barrel open, finally the sight of clear water greeted me. I wasn't sure if wine could douse fire, but I was not going to chance it. The liquid sloshed as I dragged it to the edge of the fire, the screams beginning to die out as smoke and horror made by eyes tear up. The woman helped me pour the water onto the flames, reducing it enough for us to go down the steps, more of the fluid dousing flame as we went.

Burnt corpses and asphyxiated figures dead from lack of air greeted us. Our feet stepping on tightly packed bodies as we kept throwing water until the barrel ran dry. We took our own water skins and doused a group of still flailing figures. Smoldering flesh and flames still writhed before us. I took off my cloak and used it to bat the flames down, wrapping a small figure in it until the final fire died out.

Six faces stared out at us. All of them human. Two were children.

Feeling the magical power I had, I knew there was only enough for two minuscule healing spells.

At that moment I knew two things. I would never forgive those pirates, and I was going to kill every single one of the bastards.

-???-

So yes that was how our group first met.

Did we ever find the bastards? Well the woman, Leila had a vendetta against them from before so agreeing to help her kill them was part of why she agreed to join us.

Now the two of us might sound like good people for wanting to butcher those pirates. But the thing is, it isn't about being good or evil. If a Sphinx were to look at me it would judge me as Evil, but I had an encounter with those beasts and trust me when I say those things can be wrong.

Did things get better for those captives? They ended up entrusted to a church for healing and education. I donated some funds I liberated to the place, there is a story behind that even if I would have given to it anyways. I visited it fairly often.

Still, don't get me wrong. This isn't a story about good people or great heroes. It is about terrible people who hate each other yet for some indescribable reason, stick together out of self-interest. Terrible people, most of whom have standards of some sort, some higher than others.

And I am their godsdamned caretaker so saddle up.

AN

This is my telling of a campaign I am part of.

Everything goes downhill from here.

5th Edition. Character Sheet (Roughly, will probably edit it later to be as close to correct as possible)

Level 1 Bard Background: Tailor
Race: Changeling
Charisma 21 (+5)
Dex 20 (+5)
STR 15 (+3)
CON 15 (+2)
Wis 13 (+3)
Int 16 (+3)

Proficiencies: Disguise, Persuade, Deception, Intimidate, Stealth, Insight

Items: Disguise Kit, Barber's Kit, Sewing Tools, Painted Box with a gilded image of a woman (the face seems to be worn off)

The SI part is only somewhat (The character for the SB version has some of my memories to explain the references and songs, but has a mostly different personality)

Updates will be infrequent as the campaign is done on fridays and is infrequent itself due to school breaks (everyone going home), tests, and such.

I would like readers to imagine this. You make a character designed from the outset to be a terrible person, even choosing Neutral Evil alignment. A character intentionally styled around KISS and Sweeny Todd meant to switch between different persona's based on musicians while being camp fun (even though he's supposed to be evil). Then two of the other players decide to be That Guy on purpose, another has a deal with the DM to cause some trouble (by having bounty hunters continuously go after him. But he is also absent a lot), and the last decides to constantly get drunk yet somehow still manages to be a mostly sane man and babysitter for the others.

The DM has actually had characters call my PC the older brother/guardian/caretaker of the others, tried to get me to be a cleric so that the others don't get themselves killed, and practically assigned all healing items to go to me. And my cousin called me the group's Mother.

In-game I forced the group to get dressed nicely, and have a job interview so we would get stable suppourt, and at other points I had to force them to get other work so we could afford gear/food/rent.

I am the "Mother" of two intentionally terrible children who won't stop acting out (arguably three) in a dysfunctional marriage with the drunken "Father" (Pirate Half-Elf) who can't stop fighting (and ends up supporting the family in pitfights due to an adrenaline addiction).

This PC is sliding down a waterslide into the pits of insanity.

The characters are my PC N. Chaos (bard-warlock)

The Pirate Leina (Fighter-Rouge)

Nino (Rouge-Ranger)

Chester (Illusionist)

Wong Dong (I know how horrible his name is. Monk)

Despite how everything is, it is hilarious in a Dark Comedy way. The GM calls us all terrible people at one point or another each session.

It is in this section bits are going to be the more in depth parts of well Serial Killer actions and gorey deaths. Though if I should move it to the non-NSFW part I can do so.

 

[Oni]

... it's Rogue, rouge is a bloody color.

Aside from that, your gaming group is a collection of dysfunctional misfits. Sounds like a grand old time.

 

[shadowdice]

... it's Rogue, rouge is a bloody color.

Aside from that, your gaming group is a collection of dysfunctional misfits. Sounds like a grand old time.

Click to shrink...

*looks at document*

Goddamn auto-correct. Last time it kept turning Bard into hard.