Lunch With Vader

[Karp]

Note: THIS IS AN APRIL FOOLS JOKE CHAPTER strictly for laughs and very Robot Chicken inspired. Enjoy.



"Hauhh tsssh. Hauhh tsssh. Hauhh tshh. God every breath is an asthma attack." Vader mused to himself.



Through the Force, he felt a pair of stormtroopers shift uncomfortably in place, but he didn't care.



"Huahh tssssh. It's like my lungs are still burning. You know what I mean, Fett? The sensation of having your legs and arms cut off, left for dead by your best friend? To then be encased in a suit of armor where every shift of muscle feels as if there's sand in between the gaps?"



"..." The stoic bounty hunter remained silent, yet the slow reach for his holster said everything Vader needed to know.



"Oh no, you think I've gone crazy, maybe I'm an imposter or something. Well, you'd be right. An imposter who knows your father was decapitated by Mace Windu, and that you're a clone raised by him."



"Anyone could know that with enough research." Fett's hand firmed on the grip of his gun.



"Unfortunately for you, you'll never get your revenge. My master threw the Windu out the window, if you can believe it. Should've seen the look of shock on his face when I cut clean through his hands." Vader deeply chuckled, rumbling his shoulders as he did.



"You-"



"Maybe I should declare myself Mandalore. I do happen to know where the Darksaber is afterall. Hmm, do you think your brethren would accept me, Fett?" Vader mused in a good mood.



"My father's killer…all my life, and-"



"Dead for 20 years. Yes, you've been quite busy all this time. But back to the topic at hand, Mandalore, what's your take on the matter?"



"The Mandalorians are soft, hardly worth your time." Fett bit out.



"Yeah, but you guys have such cool armor. I mean look at you Fett, the best bounty hunter in the galaxy, all because your father stuck to the old ways, and raised you right." Vader raised a finger, and pointed it at the ceiling with pride.



Fett didn't grumble, he didn't shout, nor did he draw his weapon, but every time Vader mentioned Jango, Boba raged in the Force like a maelstrom.



"Ah forget it. I don't need to be the Mandalorian. I'd have to wear that goofy helmet if I did. Canderous Ordo may have been a badass, but he was surely lacking in style." Vader shook his head in disappointment.



"..." Fett remained stoically quiet.



"Womprats, I was hoping that would be the one to get you." Vader snapped his fingers.



"..."



Vader rolled his hands across the table bored.



"Trooper, how much longer until Princess Leia and her friends will arrive?" Vader boomed in a commanding tone.



"My Lord! Allow me to check with comms, sir!"



"Proceed." Vader waved him off casually.



"Dah doo doo. So Fett, seriously, I want you as my Mandalore. In fact I think the saber should be with Sabine Wrenn, or perhaps Bo-Katan Kryze. Either way, I'm giving you a month to take it for yourself, because if you don't, I will." Vader's tone shifted from silly to menacing mid sentence.



Fett ever so slightly inclined his head.



"Message received, Lord Vader, they'll be here within the minute!"



"O-oh! I haven't prepared my line. Fett, what should I say when they arrive?"



"..."



"You there, trooper, yes, you, how would you greet the traitorous rebels?"



"Ahem, with blaster fire, Lord Vader!" The trooper saluted.



"Boring~ You, other trooper, pitch your idea, one minute, go." Vader pointed at them, and clapped his hands to hurry them up.



"Uh, ah I would-"



*hsss shhh* the sliding door opened up.



Both sides paused as they saw one another, and Vader looked at them like a deer caught in the headlights.



"We would be honored if you would join us." Vader said after a beat.



Han drew his blaster pistol, and unloaded on Vader.



"Too slow!" Vader lifted a hand, and blocked each bolt.



"Woosh!" Vader pulled the gun back…and brought Han along with it.



Falling face first into something that looked like pudding, Han sputtered in a panic as he stumbled up, searching for his gun.



"Uhh, soo, please, have a seat and enjoy the meal. I cooked it myself."



"Lando, you double crossing-!" Han got out, but was roughly forced onto his chair by a trooper.



"Huaaaagh!" Chewie began to wrestle with the troopers until he was brought down with dozens of stun shots.



"Chewie!" Han yelled in worry as the big furball fell down.



"The Wookie is to be unharmed. Place him in a holding cell, and someone search for a golden protocol droid that arrived with the Rebels. I suspect a trooper has blasted him, and placed him in a waste bin. Bring him and a repair kit too me."



"Yes my Lord!" A trooper saluted, then left on the double.



"So, what brings you two here?" Vader asked, and began to ladle soup into bowls for everyone.



Leia and Han shared a look.



Han surprisingly had the inklings of fear deep within his being, according to the Force, and Leia was cautious and guarded.



"Oh come now, it can't be anything more than a hyperdrive malfunction, right? The Falcon is always breaking down. That Corellian hunk of junk is worth less than my podracer."



"Now just you wait a second. I don't care how you style yourself, but the Falcon is not a hunk of junk!" Han pointed a finger aggressively at Vader, and moved to stand, only to be shoved back down by a trooper.



"No, let him stand. Solo has a right to be angry knowing that there are superior machines out there that he'll never fly."



"Han, please, something is wrong here." Leia held up a hand, and held the scoundrel down.



"I'll say." Lando quietly muttered to himself as he took a sip of something.



Leia gave Lando a withering glare, then turned to Vader.



"You have us in your clutches, Lord Vader, but you will never get us to betray our friends." Leia fiercely said.



"But you already have, Princess. As we speak, Skywalker is on his way to Bespin, where he shall face his destiny." Vader ominously intoned.



"Kid, no."



"Luke!"



"Hah, you two are so easy. Your friendship is truly admirable."



"You monster, what do you want with Luke?!" Leia gnashed her teeth, and slammed a hand on the table.



"To set him up with Mara Jade!" Vader slammed the table right back.



Leia's righteous indignation fizzled out, and she looked at Vader with confusion.



"He means he's getting Luke a girlfriend." Han whispered.



"I KNOW WHAT HE SAID!" Leia replied calmly.



"Yes, they'll make quite the cute couple, Mara as the Emperor's protege, Luke as mine, ah, I just can't wait to be a grandfather." Vader leaned back into his chair, and looked up at the ceiling as he was lost in thought.



"Is Vader alright? His mind looks like it's lost in space…I've seen plenty of guys on spice before, and I think Vader's finally lost the plot. This is bad news, Leia." Han whispered.



"What was that about being a grandfather?!" Leia zeroed in on what was said, amd gripped the arm rests to her chair tightly.



"Huh? Oh, yeah, I forgot you had feelings for the farmboy. That's really disgusting. The worst part about it, is I can't blame your mother, as it seems like a Skywalker family trait at this point." Vader sighed, and looked down at the table in defeat.



"Leave my mother out of this! All those you killed on Alderaan…you'll pay for that!" Leia angrily scowled.



"Hey, hey, Princess, weren't you telling me a moment ago to calm down? I really don't like how Vader is acting right now. Let's just calm down and get through this, okay? We've escaped his clutches a dozen times before, we will again." Han soothed Leia, and gave her his winning smile.



"Fine. But we have to find a way to save Luke too."



Han rolled his eyes. "Always about Luke."



"Please eat the soup, it is growing cold, and I would be a poor host if I left my guests hungry." Vader levitated the soup bowls that he had dished out onto their placemats.



"Huahh tssssh. Huahh tssssh." Vader deeply breathed as he silently stared at them, waiting to hear their opinion.



Han and Leia shared another look.



"Do I need to get creative with the Wookie?" Vader questioned, implying a threat.



"I'll go first, in case it's poisoned." Han frimly said to Leia, then grit his teeth, and dipped his spoon into the murky liquid.



"Han, no! As a royal, I've been raised to have a resistance to most toxins, please, let me!" Leia rushed to grab ahold of his spoon, but he irately pushed her away, and stuck the spoon in his mouth.



"Ah, young love, you ever have a lover, Fett?" Vader elbowed the notorious bounty hunter in the side.



"..."



"Of course you did! What was her name again? Sintra? Sinsatia? Siniti?" Vader tapped a finger on the chin portion of his helmet.



"Sintas. Her name was Sintas." Fett said in a broken voice. His hand was about to draw his gun, however, Vader raised a hand, holding Fett completely frozen in place.



"Ahh, I've finally brought you down to my level. Welcome to the mud pit, Fett!" Vader chuckled.



Fett remained silent, and he tried his best to reach for some gadget on his utility belt, but Vader tightened his hold, preventing all movement.



"She's been trapped in carbonite, you know? your dear Sintas Vel. Not of my doing of course, but I do know where she's being held. Now! Are you going to be a good little boy, and say 'Yes Lord Vader' when I ask you to be my Mandalore?" Vader asked, unfreezing Fett's neck muscles.



The famed bounty hunter was still, his pride was strong, but ultimately, he bowed his head.



"Very good. When you are Mandalore, my Mandalore, I shall tell you the location of your wife's whereabouts, do you agree?"



"Yes. Lord. Vader."



"Wonderful!" Vader clapped, and released his hold on Fett.



Turning away from the side matter, Vader looked back at the table to see that Han and Leia's bowls were empty.



"Alright, be honest now, how was the soup?"



"....it was dienbdjsob." Han lowered his head and mumbled.



"Hm, what's that? Speak clearer." Vader lifted his hand, and levitated Leia from her seat.



"Leia!" Han stood up. "If you do anything to her, I swear, I'll-"



"Tell me about the soup, and be honest about it. I can tell truth from lies, so if it tasted bad, and you say it tasted good, then she dies. Only the truth will save your friend."



"It was delicious. That soup…" Han spoke, and looked wistfully out the window into the endless fluffy whiteness of Cloud City. "That soup was the best thing I ever ate." Han declared.



"Review accepted, Captain Solo." Vader lowered Leia, then stood from his seat.



"Leia, are you okay?" Han was quick to rush to her side.



"Okay, we're done here for now, troopers, you can place these two within separate holding cells for now."



"Yes, my Lord!" A trooper saluted and left the room.



"The droid and repair kit, Lord Vader!" Another trooper salited as he entered the room.



The pair of troopers each took up the same amount of width, and both tried to get past one another at the same time.



"I am executing Lord Vaders orders, move aside."



"I am executing Lord Vaders orders, move aside."



"..." The troopers glared at one another.



"Oh for the love of…the guy who is leaving goes first, just what are they teaching you people in stormtrooper school? Is this what the 501st amounts to?" Vader admonished.



The pair of troopers hung their heads like scolded puppies.



"Ahh, I can't stay mad at you guys. You know I respect you guys in the 501st, go on, do what must be done." Vader waved them off.



"Thank you for the unforgettable luncheon." Lando bowed, and excused himself.



"You know, Calrissian?"



"The soup was fine. Maybe a little too salty for my taste." Lando said candidly, then froze in place as he realized what he had just said.



"Someone take his cape. No one talks about my soup like that."



"Lord Vader, please, let's be reasonable, I-"



"I have altered the deal, pray I do not alter it any further."



"This deal keeps on getting worse all the time." Lando muttered to himself, and took his own cloak off before the stormtrooper could remove it from him.



"Lord Vader, may I take my leave?" Lando requested.



"I have altered the deal. Take his shoes too."



"What?!"



"And his mustache, shave his mustache."



The troopers paused at that one, as if they couldn't process what was just said.



Lando looked as if he wanted to protest, but thought better of it, and kept his mouth shut as the troopers hauled him away.



"The deal has been altered, pray I do not alter it any further."

 

[Jetrick Mcfalcon]

Had good laugh and giggle reading this especially the parts where Vader was just trolling Fett.

 

[Daonexus]

I thought this would be vader having the shovel talk with Han

 

[Seyum]

I really want more of this story!