Peter Parker's Bad Trip in Paris. (A Spider-Man Oneshot)

[YiteWrite]

Peter Parker, also known as the Spectacular Spider-Man has been having the worst week of his life.

It started fairly normally, all things considered. He was about to go to bed when he was notified of Black Cat robbing a museum, so he got up, got dressed and did his thing.

'His thing' being making quips, flirting with Black Cat and ultimately defeating her in hand-to-hand combat, before leaving her tied to a pole with her ill-gotten gains returned to the museum.

But, as he was going to head back home and hopefully to bed, he got reports that Scorpion was rampaging throughout Second Avenue.

'Damn it Mac' He remembered thinking as he swung through New York City, 'Do you really have to do this now!? I have a test tomorrow!'

Eventually, he caught up to Mac Gargan, also known as The Scorpion who was in the middle of robbing a restaurant of all things.

"Really, Mac? Come on man, I thought you would've at least gone for a bank" He taunted with a grin, after he infiltrated the building, "Or if you're going to rob a restaurant. At least do a McDonalds… y'know, be on brand and all that!"

"Shut up you fuckin' bug!" Scorpion shouted, as he attempted to skewer Peter with his tail.

Of course, his Spider-Senses didn't allow for that to happen, instead Peter swiftly dodged out of the way, before firing webs at Scorpion.

Annoyingly, they didn't do all that much, since apparently Mac had some upgrades to his armor. At least, that's what Peter assumed when the supervillain's pincer opened up and fired a laser that cut through his webbing.

"Dude, come on! That shit cost me like $20 to make!" Peter complained, before quickly jumping out of the way of a laser which obliterated the table behind him.

Thankfully all the people that were in the restaurant, had quickly run away once Spider-Man had arrived. Making himself a potent distraction for the mad supervillain.

"You totally owe me for that, man!" Peter said, before having to quickly dodge out of the way of another laser, before Scorpion himself rushed towards him.

"I'm gonna gut you like a pig, Spider-Man!" Scorpion shouted, attempting to stab him with his tail, but Peter was able to dodge out of the way of each strike, and eventually grabbed onto the tail before snapping it.

The tip of Scorpion's tail broke off, and Peter threw it away before quickly taking the supervillain out with a swift punch that knocked him out, and tying him upside down from the roof of the restaurant.

"Finally, now I can go and get some rest…" Peter said with a slight yawn, as he swung over to his house. Hopefully Aunt May wasn't awake, because honestly? He was too tired to be sneaky.

But alas, he wasn't able to even reach his home before the police radio he tapped into told him that Stilt-Man was robbing a bank that was nearby.

"Ugh…" Peter groaned, before turning around swinging towards the bank, "I guess what they say is true. Crime never rests, heh"

This torment went on for the next week. For an entire week Peter wasn't able to sleep, due to an abundance of things piling up.

From supervillains attacking during the night, to his tests in the morning… Peter was barely able to get a thirty minute nap a day.

There was always something to deal with…

From Kangaroo somehow managing to steal all of the kangaroos from all of the zoos in New York City, and was wreaking havoc in the streets… to someone fishing out the Big Wheel machine, which Peter had to obviously fight later in that same day.

He began to drink coffee on the second day, needing the caffeine to stay alert and awake. But eventually, that stopped doing anything for him, so… he started drinking energy drinks and sodas, while also ordering some high caffeine coffee, and eating literal handfuls of coffee beans just to stay awake.

Eventually, Peter even bought some caffeine patches and put them on him while going out as Spider-Man, as he was barely able to get enough of a break to take a drink.

And sure, his body was constantly shaking due to the sheer amount of caffeine in his system, but he was able to mostly stop it when he was fighting… even if it felt like he had replaced all of his blood with caffeine.

But also, he found that his Spider-Sense was being rather… spotty. Not working all the time, probably due to the sheer constant exhaustion he was feeling, and the caffeine practically frying his brain.

Oh, and of course his friends were worried about his health. Harry had seen his 'obsession' with coffee, and tried to sneak out his thermos filled to the brim with coffee, to one that had decaf.

Maybe Peter was in the wrong for stabbing Harry in the hand with his fork. But, it taught him and everyone else a lesson. Don't fuck with Peter Parker's coffee.

But eventually, Peter had finally stopped most of the villains, from Lizard attempting to create an army of lizard men, to Looter and Slyde teaming up with The Enforcers to rob a massive bank.

Finally, almost all of his 'rogues gallery' was in prison for at least the next week.

So, he could rest right? Nope.

Because as he was about to go to bed, he was informed of… Egghead and Spot teaming up to steal from OsCorp.

So, Peter quickly swung into the building… and had to deal with Spot's bullshit portals, and Egghead's various egg-themed inventions for the entire night.

Where was Ant-Man when you needed him? Oh yeah, he was fighting Ultron with the rest of the Avengers, while the Fantastic Four were dealing with Dr. Doom, and every other independent hero or team was dealing with their own threats.

So, eventually Peter finally beat the two of them and made sure they were arrested… and saw that he was late for school.

In a panic, Peter quickly swung back into his house, and had to pretend he was asleep when Aunt May opened the door.

"Peter, dear" Aunt May said gently as she opened the door, right after Peter had taken off the mask and huddled under the blankets, "It's time for school… if you don't get up now, you'll be late"

"...Fine, Aunt May" Peter said after a moment, despite feeling so tempted to just curl up under the blankets and go to sleep, "Just give me five minutes"

"Of course dear. I've made you some breakfast so you'd better eat it before it gets cold" Aunt May said, and despite being unable to see her, he could hear her smile. And honestly? That was worth it.

So, Peter quickly got out of his costume and put on some normal clothes, before walking out to see that Aunt May had made some bacon and eggs for breakfast… and that there was a freshly brewed pot of coffee, which he poured a cup of and sipped on happily.

Ah, coffee. The ambrosia sent by the Gods themselves to the mortals who were entirely unworthy of this divine bean juice… maybe Peter should write a thank you note to Thor or something like that?

But alas, he had to quickly eat his breakfast, scarfing it down within a couple of minutes, before pouring the vast majority of the contents of the pot into his thermos, before running to school. He'd already missed the bus, but at least he might be able to get there on time.

…He didn't get there on time, and had to quickly make his way to classes.

Most of the day was fairly uneventful thankfully, but then there was Geography…

It was at the end of Geography Class, right before everyone had to go home, that Ms. Carlyle had an announcement to make.

"Alright students. So, as I'm sure most of you know… we're having a field trip" Ms. Carlyle said, and honestly? Peter didn't know that. He hadn't been paying attention to the school newsletters or emails or anything like that.

But it probably didn't matter. It was probably some sort of trip to the zoo or another laboratory… or maybe a museum since this was the Geography Class?

"Well everyone, I'll be happy to inform you that we'll be going to Paris!" Ms. Carlyle announced with a smile, causing the students to talk amongst themselves.

All except for Peter who was completely and utterly confused.

"The fuck does she mean, Paris?" Peter muttered to himself, before standing up, "Ms. Carlyle. How… how are we able to afford this?"

"Oh, you must not have read the email, Mr. Parker. But rest assured, it's all being handled by a sponsor! A Mr. Oriestym, he's already paid for the entire trip" Mr. Carlyle said, "Now. You have to get ready by tomorrow, as we're leaving at 6:00 AM. And if any of you miss it, it'll be 20% of your grade"

That… that's completely unfair. What in the world was going on here?

Peter didn't have a lot of time to think about that, unfortunately as he had to head on home.

And of course, there was yet another villainous scheme for Spider-Man to foil.

The Wall was… fighting Doorman of the Great Lake Avengers in a random ass building. And surprisingly? He was winning.

"DOORMAN! I AM THE WALL! AND I CHALLENGE YOU TO A BATTLE. DOOR AGAINST WALL! WE SHALL SEE WHO IS SUPERIOR!!!"!" The Wall shouted, as he slammed into Doorman yet again, somehow not going through the man whose entire body was a portal to the other side of himself.

"…What?" Doorman asked, before The Wall suddenly charged towards the human portal.

He charged forward, causing Doorman to instinctually put up his arms, before The Wall suddenly stood in the doorway, blocking it for anyone who would want to enter or exit the building.

"WHAT SHALL YOU DO NOW, DOORMAN!? MY FATED RIVAL! WITHOUT YOUR DOOR, YOU ARE WORTHLESS!" The Wall shouted, blocking the doorway for anyone.

"…When did my life become this?" He asked nobody in particular, before preparing for combat.

Doorman had attempted to strike at The Wall with an open palm, but instead he ended up breaking his hand on the brick-like man… oof, big mistake. Peter had done that once and despite his super strength he still got a massive bruise.

"Agh! What the hell are you made of? Tungsten!?" Doorman asked, as he held his broken hand limply.

"Punching THE WALL is like punching a wall… BECAUSE YOU ARE!!! AHAHAHAHA" The Wall shouted, before laughing nefariously as he charged into Doorman, only to go… through him and go crashing into a wall instead.

"CURSES! This must be those DOOR POWERS of yours at work! Upsetting the natural order by having a wall go through a door!? How dare you use you almighty powers for such nefarious purposes!?" The Wall shouted, "How DARE you!? You made me destroy an innocent, beautiful wall! You cretin!"

With that, The Wall went to charge him again, but instead of simply attacking his body, he instead jumped at the last moment, the immense weight of his body caused the floor underneath the both of them to cave in, and trap Doorman's legs in the floor.

But as The Wall started to menacingly walk towards Doorman, Peter decided that now was a good enough time to intervene.

"Hey, Wall Man!" Peter shouted, causing The Wall to turn around in rage.

"WALLCRAWLER! DEFILER OF THE WALLS! HAVE YOU COME TO SURRENDER TO THE WALL!?" The Wall shouted… honestly, this guy was so fun to fight. He said the funniest shit.

"No, buddy- awn~" Peter said, before yawning, which was honestly annoying to do mid-quip, but he can improvise, "Sorry… you're honestly so boring that you might put me to sleep"

"BORING!? ME!? HOW DARE YOU!" The Wall shouted, as he charged towards Peter, intending on crushing him to death… or something like that, but instead Peter just webbed him up, absolutely covering him in webbing.

The Wall had no arms, and thus… he couldn't free himself from the webs he was currently in.

"You okay, Doorman?" Peter asked, as he helped the superhero up.

"Yeah… yeah. That guy just came out of nowhere. Who even is he?" Doorman asked, as he looked at The Wall, who was thrashing around in an attempt to escape.

"The Wall, he's one of my usual rogues… you want him?" Peter asked jokingly.

"Nope. You can keep him" Doorman said, "Anyway. I've gotta go… I was supposed to get the pizzas for the party"

With that, Doorman quickly walked away, leaving just Peter and The Wall.

"Really Josh, what's going on here? You were doing so well in your therapy" Peter asked, as he looked at The Wall in front of him.

"THEY ARE NOTHING COMPARED TO THE DIVINITY THAT IS THE WALL!" The Wall, also known as Joshua Waldemeyer shouted out, before looking downward, "And… I couldn't take it anymore. They were trying to get me on these drugs… they made me feel weird. I didn't like it, so when Kraven offered me a means of escape? I took it"

"Kraven?... No, that doesn't matter" Peter muttered to himself, "Look Joshua. The medicine you're taking might make you feel weird for a bit… but it's just to help you. Look at what happened to William, or… er Mindworm. He's a fine member of society now!"

"Fine member of society?" The Wall said with a derisive snort, "Mindworm's fucking homeless… his powers completely screwed up his mind. Or was it the drugs? Or both"

Mindworm was… homeless? That wasn't what Peter was told, but he should look into that at a later date.

"Look, Josh. How about this… if you get better, I'll personally help you get a job in construction" Peter said, using the second oldest technique in the book, bribery.

"Construction, eh?... Do you think they'd let me build walls?" The Wall asked, a look of childlike innocence on his face.

"I'm sure they'll let you build all the walls you want. But only if you get better, alright buddy?" Peter asked with a gentle tone.

"Alright… I'll try to get better. Thank you, Spider-Man" The Wall said with a small voice, as several officers arrived and took him away gently.

Thankfully the officers had already known that The Wall was mostly harmless, and to just take him back to the psychiatric ward he was staying in. This wasn't his first escape, after all. And it's not like he really hurt people.

Eventually, Peter was able to return to his house… where he had to do his homework, but not before packing up for his trip tomorrow. Hell, he kind of needs the break after all the bullshit that he's been dealing with this week.

"Ugh" Peter groaned to himself, as he quickly wrote out a thesis on Paris… not even researching it, because he honestly couldn't be bothered to do so.

And just as he was about to go to bed… he got another report, telling him that Grizzly, Walrus and Gibbon were pulling a heist.

Why were there so many heists!?

But even so, Peter put a new caffeine patch on his skin, before… putting another four on, and put his costume back on before swinging out to save the day… er, night. The rainy night.

Thankfully, they were pretty easy to beat… as it was just Grizzly, Walrus and Gibbon. But now that he thought about it… this marked a week of no sleep for Peter Parker, who was now stood on a rooftop.

A week from hell, more like…

But as he thought this, he heard a clapping from behind him, barely heard through the sound of the rain.

Turning around, he caught sight of Kraven the Hunter, clapping with a grin on his face.

"Ah, Spider-Man!" Kraven said with a ferocious expression, "The Greatest Prey… now, I do so hate being a dishonorable opponent. But, you've proven far too elusive for my abilities"

"Kraven, what are you talking about?" Peter asked, getting prepared for a fight.

But due to his Spider-Sense not working as well as usual, he didn't react in time to the sudden spear from behind, impaling him through the shoulder.

Turning around, he saw that he was backed up against a wall… and that there was a trap directly behind him, which he had inadvertently triggered.

"I'm saying, Spider-Man… that I had to break you down. Tire you out, essentially. Make sure that your senses were dulled just enough for me to be able to finally win… this shall be my greatest hunt yet!" Kraven said, as he twirled his own spear around in his hand, a cocky look on his face, "I am honestly sorry that we weren't able to kill each other in honorable combat. But I had to complete my hunt"

Peter clutched his bleeding shoulder, before pulling the spear out… and honestly, he could swear that his blood had turned brown from the coffee in his system, before he blinked and saw the deep red coating his arm.

He was just barely able to dodge the spear thrown at him, courtesy of Kraven the Hunter, before the man rushed towards him knife in his hand.

"I had to convince your other rogues… the other prey to team up with me, Spider-Man. Those I could not convince, I bribed, those I could not bribe, I threatened, and those I could not threaten, I tricked. This was months in the making, my friend!" Kraven bragged as he slashed towards Peter's face, cutting the mask where his eye was.

Thankfully it didn't touch his flesh, only cutting through the eye of the mask, but if anything… Kraven seemed more excited at that.

"Good! I want to look you in the eyes, as I kill you Spider-Man! Not this mask of yours!" He shouted, as he slashed yet again, this time cutting Peter's left arm.

"Damn it, Kraven!" Peter shouted, as he kicked the hunter in the leg, hearing an audible crack and a snap as he did so, before backing away in shock.

"Ha! Even now, weakened and tired as you are… you're still able to wound me. Perhaps this isn't as dishonorable as I had originally thought!" Kraven said, grinning through the pain of his now broken leg as he limped towards Peter.

"Kraven. You need medical attention for that… ugh ew ew ew! Don't walk on it!" Peter said in disgust, as bone began jutting out of Kraven's leg, piercing through his leopard print pants, and exposing itself to the rain.

"This is only a temporary wound, Spider-Man! But it is one that I shall wear with pride!" Kraven said as he continued limping towards Peter.

Peter on the other hand, was losing blood fairly quickly, and had found himself cornered… as he now had his back to the wall. And… of course he didn't think to reload his webshooters.

He only had a single good shot left… and with Kraven limping towards him, Peter saw the perfect opportunity.

And so, when Kraven was directly in front of Peter, he quickly jumped behind Kraven before kicking him off the roof and shooting a web at his not broken leg, causing him to dangle from the edge of the roof.

"Ugh…" Peter groaned, as he looked at his still bleeding shoulder and saw that there was a fairly large hole in that, "How am I going to explain this to Aunt May?"

With that, he quickly left the rooftop, leaving the screaming Kraven by himself… he'll be able to get down in a few hours, and it wasn't that large of a drop.

And so, Peter went home, got undressed and placed bandages around his wounds, and for the first time in a week… fell asleep. Not even caring about his wounds.

…He awoke an hour later to his alarm, telling him that it was 5:00 AM, and that it was time to get ready for this trip to Paris.

"Fucking bullshit" Peter grumbled to himself, as he looked at his pre-packed bags and nodded, before getting in the shower, wincing at the water pouring over his bandaged wounds.

…Eventually, he got out of the shower and got dressed in a nice red shirt and blue pants, mostly to hide the blood from his wounds he gained the night before.

His shoulder still felt like shit, but at least Paris will hopefully be relaxing.

…And now he just jinxed it. Damn him and his big mouth… and what he decided to call his Parker Luck.

So, he grabbed his bags and made his way to the school… where a bus was waiting to take everyone to the airport.

It was hell going to the airport, because there were all these delays and a bunch of bullshit going on around him… like Flash and his goons mocking him for… some reason?

He honestly wasn't paying attention, just focusing on the glorious caffeine that he had in his hands.

Eventually though, they were able to board the plane. Coach of course, and Peter was about to have a nap… when Ms. Carlyle woke him up, because apparently he wasn't allowed to sleep on the plane.

Despite this being a seven hour long flight.

And just like that, in Peter's opinion… Ms. Carlyle was worse than The Green Goblin.

Thankfully, time flew by fairly fast, as Peter just sat and watched a couple of in-flight movies… and finally, they were in Paris.

It was a rather boring affair, getting off of the plane. During which, Ms. Carlyle kept an eye on all of the students, to make sure that nobody wandered away.

But out of the corner of his eye, Peter just barely noticed the end of a purple cloak… and could hear a faint buzzing sound.

What the hell was that?

Turning his head to look, Peter wasn't able to see anything, but he knew that there was someone watching him… someone who felt familiar to him.

But Peter decided to ignore it, because he was here to have a vacation, damn it. Not to fight supervillains.

And hopefully to actually get some goddamn sleep. He was currently hopped up on ten caffeine patches, four entire thermos' of coffee, three two liter soda bottles and the energy drink that he was currently drinking.

He had no fucking time for their bullshit.

So, he walked after the rest of the school, as the tour guide began showing them the sights of Paris… he wasn't paying all that much attention, as he was entirely focused on staying with the group.

Then he saw the purple-cloaked figure again, this time watching him from a rooftop… and he instantly recognized him as Swarm.

Swarm, the literal Nazi made out of bees… man, some of his villains were weird.

But, luckily it didn't seem that Swarm was after him or anything like that… and to be honest?

As long as Swarm didn't screw with him, he was fine letting the French Superheroes take him down. It's not like he's a big threat or anything… he's literally just a swarm of bees. So long as his victims aren't allergic, they should be relatively fine.

…

But after a few minutes of walking, Peter decided that he couldn't do that. It just wasn't him, to allow anyone to potentially get hurt. After all, with his great power also came great responsibility.

And it was his responsibility to see that Swarm's schemes were foiled, so he quickly ducked around a corner when both Ms. Carlyle and the tour guide weren't looking, and ran into a nearby abandoned alleyway before he opened his bag.

Thankfully, he'd had the forethought to bring his Spider-Man costume with him, so he quickly donned the suit and swung out into Paris.

He looked all over the city in an attempt to find Swarm, but was unable to find him… so Peter decided to keep looking.

Eventually though, he was finally able to find him. Standing at the tip of the Eiffel Tower. So of course, Peter swung over… only to be met with a swarm of bees to the face.

"Pfft! Aghk!" Peter coughed, before landing on the tower itself, "Swarm! What are you doing here!?"

"Spider-Man!?" Swarm shouted in his thick German accent, "What the hell are you doing here!? You won't foil my plan, you damnable menace!"

"And what is your plan, Swarm?" Peter asked, knowing that the Nazi scientist wasn't likely to actually tell him. This was just supposed to be a slight distraction to hopefully lower his guard a bit.

"You think I'd honestly tell you my plan?" Swarm asked derisively, as Peter predicted, "Because I will!"

Wait what?

"You see, Wallcrawler! I have created a swarm of bioengineered SUPER WASPS!" Swarm shouted, as over a dozen Kaiju sized wasps appeared around him, "And with these, I shall become the King of Paris itself!"

"The- what the fuck are you talking about, Swarm?" Peter asked, honestly somewhat concerned for the man. Had he gone insane?

"YOU SEE, SPIDER-MAN! I HAVE CREATED THE ULTIMATE WEAPON! BEEXCALIBUR!!!" Swarm shouted as he brandished a… sword made out of bees, "And once I take over the Eiffel Tower, I shall have UNLIMITED POWER!"

Okay, what the actual fuck was going on here? This was… completely batshit insane.

So, Peter did as anyone would do, and swung upwards and punched the obviously mentally deranged man.

But… his hand simply went through his face. And not like it usually did, where he'd punch and the bees would move out of the way or die… no, this felt more like an illusion.

An illusion…

"Oh, you must not have read the email, Mr. Parker. But rest assured, it's all being handled by a sponsor! A Mr. Oriestym, he's already paid for the entire trip"

Mr. Oriestym

Oriestym

…If you rearranged that name it was… MYSTERIO!

"Mysterio! Get out here you bastard!" Peter shouted, as he looked around everywhere. Knowing not to truly trust his senses.

Hell, was he even in Paris!? Or was this all some sort of grand illusion concocted by his illusion-weaving villain?

So, Peter continued looking around, just waiting for the master of illusions to show up…

Yet, he never did.

And so, Peter eventually came down and… got undressed, returning to his usual attire, before regrouping with everyone else, taking a final sip out of his coffee-filled thermos.

"Peter! Just where have you been?" Ms. Carlyle asked, but as he made to speak up… he collapsed, crashing from the caffeine.

It seemed that the week of abusing his body with caffeine had taken its toll on his body, and he was unable to keep up with it.

He was quickly taken to the hospital, of course. Thank God he was in Europe, otherwise he probably would've bankrupted Aunt May just going in the ambulance.

But as he woke up in the hospital, Peter was met with a doctor, and surprisingly enough… a pair of police officers.

"Young man, err… Mr. Parker, you've been in a coma for a week, how are you feeling?" The doctor, a rather thin man with a thick French accent asked.

"I'm feeling alright I guess" Peter said, it seemed that being in a coma for a week had gotten rid of his tiredness and exhaustion, at least.

"That's good, Mr. Parker. Now, do you think you could tell these officers just where you got the abundance of narcotics in your system?" The doctor asked.

"Narcotics? What do you mean, narcotics? I'm not here because I had a caffeine overdose?" Peter asked groggily, honestly confused.

Was he drugged or something?

"We'll take it from here, doctor" The first officer, a heavyset man with a thick mustache said before walking up to Peter, "Young man. Please don't make such excuses… if what was found in your system was just caffeine you would be dead… several dozen times over"

"That's all I've had though. Believe me, officers. I'm being as honest as possible here…" Peter said, honestly confused.

The officers tried to get him to talk, believing that he was… smuggling illegal drugs through his body, and they ended up dissolving into his bloodstream.

But he maintained his innocence, telling them that it was a caffeine overdose.

And that's how Peter Parker ended up being banned from the entire country of France.

Typical Parker Luck.
___

And that's the fic. Hope you all enjoyed it!

Fun Fact: Spiders can get really drunk from Caffeine. And so can Spider-Men. It just takes a lot to get them to see weird shit… like, for instance, Swarm attacking Paris.