[RWBY] RWBY Shorts

[cavalal386]

How the Hatedom see RWBY

Spoiler: If you know

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I don't know, mind telling me?

They find ozma's old porn stash.

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How much of it is just Salem?

And thus Nora has recruited her the Third member of her harem.

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Who's the second member?
If it's jaune, then shouldn't Cardin be the fourth member?

 

[Handspan]

I don't know, mind telling me?


How much of it is just Salem?


Who's the second member?
If it's jaune, then shouldn't Cardin be the fourth member?

Click to shrink...

First is Ren, second is Jaune, third is Cardin. Nora has also been eyeing Wukong because she's got a good grasp of Blake's character and is waiting until the cat runs away.

 

[AndrewJTalon]

Glynda: "You put Qrow and Peach on the radio show?!"

Ozpin: "It will help with outreach to the community."

Glynda: "Oh will it?" She turns on the radio

Qrow: "Hello listeners, we're back after that ad. My companion is still trying to pretend her hangover is just allergies."

Peach: "Ugh, go to hell."

Qrow: "Already been. Involved a date with you."

Peach: "HA! You were screaming for the heavens on that one, asshole-Owwww... Sinuses..."

Qrow: "Keep telling yourself that. Yes, caller, you're on the line?"

Caller: "This is Bob. Is there a particular brand of whiskey you would recommend for drinking at the Vytal Festival?"

Qrow: "Longbarrow Whiskey from Albion. Perfectly aged, has just the right amount of kick to it and gets you drunk fast even with your Aura unlocked."

Peach: Moans "I hate that stuff so much..."

Qrow: "And Thumbelina hates it, which makes it even better."

Bob: "Sounds great. Who do you think has a shot at the Valean Cup this year?"

Qrow: "The Gallian Tarasques might have a chance but more than likely the damn Valean Wizards will bribe the refs again. Good call. I will continue to rate the uniforms for barmaids at the various bars around Vale, ranging from 'Are they even trying?' to 'potential warddrobe malfunctions.'"

Glynda: GLARE

Ozpin: "..." sips coffee "He's doing fine."

 

[Trebonius]

I would tune in regularly to that show.

 

[Salraic238]

Qrow doing the Remnant eqivalent to Car Talk.

Or the Remnant equivalent to Car Talk with Martok. One of those.

 

[AndrewJTalon]

That said, if we're going to take inspiration from great sitcoms... We need a character to be Ron Swanson.

Let's use Professor Harold Mulberry (Weapon Crafting & Upkeep). He's canon but was never seen. He'd be perfect as a Ron Swanson stand in.

Harold: "Hey, you're fixing your bow wrong."

Cinder: "How is this, Professor?"

Harold: "Slightly less shitty. You'd figure after being in Hunter Academy for ten years you'd learn."

Cinder: "No, I-I'm just a fourth year!"

Harold: "Let me guess: You hit thirty but instead of trying to entrap a rich millionaire you're living out your childhood fantasy because 'girl power' and that outfit and hair are a desperate cry for help. Am I in the ballpark?"

Cinder: "... I'll kill you last."

Harold: "Another lie."

- - -

Harold: "Arc. You're trying so hard it's embarrassing. The girl is clearly not into you, why do you keep this up? Is it one of those Spacebook things where you show off how much shame you can bring to your ancestry?"

Jaune: "No! No, I just... I do really like her."

Harold: "She doesn't like you. She likes gay men."

Neptune: "I'M NOT GAY!"

Harold: "I don't actually care about your sexuality but it's obvious. And between your parents there's no way you'll be gay, Arc. So move on."

Jaune: "I... Well, sure sir."

Harold: "Good."

Neptune: "I swear I'm not gay!"

Harold: "You really need to stop worrying about what everyone thinks of you."

- - -

Mulberry: "So... Why are we keeping this war with your evil immortal ex-wife secret? What does she look like?"

Ozpin: "This is what she looks like." Holds up a photo from a drone of Ever Night Castle, where Salem is standing in the doorway menacingly

Mulberry: "... I suppose keeping it secret is wisest."

Ozpin: "Yes-"

Mulberry: "Too many men would simp over her."

Ozpin: "I-no-"

Mulberry: "I assume the divorce was because you couldn't pleasure her in bed? When money isn't the issue that's usually the case."

Ozpin: "No! She got bored of living as immortal rulers of the world and threw herself into a Grimm pit to try and kill herself!"

Mulberry: "Crazy too huh? Hot ones always are."


- - -

Harold: "Xiao-Long. You still upset your bitch of a mother ran off?"

Yang: "I-I just want some answers-"

Harold: "The answers won't change who she is or what she did. She could have come back at any time and she didn't. You want some kind of absolution for why you had to become the mom when you were a child and lost your childhood that way. It won't bring back the woman who was your actual mother, or your childhood. So get over it and focus on building a good life for yourself."

Yang: *sniffles* "... Just... Saying that kind of shit, huh?"

Harold: "Apparently being a teacher means I have to also be a substitute parental figure. I hate that this happens but I may as well get it over with. So go on and find a nice boy to settle down with."

Yang: "What if I'm a lesbian?"

Harold: condescendingly "Sure you are."

Yang: "... Damnit." storms off

Harold: sighs

Blake enters.

Blake: "Professor, I-"

Harold: "Go call your damn parents and stop the drama. You're gonna make everyone else miserable with your YA novel heroine act."

Blake: "Y-You don't know me!"

Harold: "Sure I don't. And my breakfasts are vegan."

 

[John Jackson]

As an aside to the arc Dinosaur park the arc clan ending the battle of beacon by doing the wing hussar charge with dinosaurs

 

[bazerkerking]

I like Professor Mullberry, Ron Swanson is my favorite character

 

[AndrewJTalon]

Ironwood and and his troops landed on Beacon airstrip. The first face he sees is Harold's.

Ironwood: sounding annoyed "Harold."

Harold: nonchalant "Janus."

Camera cuts to Harold.

Harold: "I always hated those Ice bastards. They suck the joy out of freedom and hide it behind bureaucracy. To show my annoyance I always make it a point to get his name wrong."

Later, in Harold's office, James arrives with Winter. He is wearing a scowl.

James: "Harold, I expected your report by last evening. All the other professors put in their reports."

Harold: "I did submit my report."

James: "It's a one sentence email that says 'Everything is fine and I don't work for you.'"

Harold: "Yes. That is more than sufficient."

 

[AndrewJTalon]

Harold: "Jaune, given how manly your father was, I understand the deep shame you feel not living up to his example. Fear not. There is an easy fix for this."

Jaune: "Yes?"

Harold: "In his case he hit his head and became braindamaged. Then he was raised by a paladin monk who loved beer, meat, and saving people. The brain damage thing has too many liability issues, unfortunately. So instead we'll focus on meat and general manliness."

Jaune: "But I ate a lot of meat!"

Harold: "Yes but your father was cowed by your mother, and so we need to fix things. You will note almost all the women around you have issues with their parents. Including the cat girl princess who had a rich and stable lifestyle before turning to terrorism. While they can be fun in bed, it is better to find a salt of the earth type woman with a stable background to settle down with."

Jaune: "Uh... Okay?"

Harold: "So, knock some sense into the Altan, Nikos, Rose or Xiao-Long girls and you'll be fine. The latter will probably be obsessively clingy with you once she gets over her masquerade of confidence. If you like that sort of thing, then by all means, she might make an acceptable wife. Points in her favor are her ability to fix and ride motorcycles, and you're already a stronger person than her father while resembling the good parts. Her half-sister is also a good choice, but gotta wait a few years and try to be a positive male influence in her life."

Jaune: "Um... Sure?"

Harold: "Belladonna is as toxic as her name implies, steer clear of that trainwreck. Nikos is a sheltered rich girl who was probably trained with a bell by her parents. You need to find the woman inside her and get her to let loose. If she does, it might be full on crazy which I cannot in good conscious deny you but it might destroy you both, so be careful. Schnee is also a sheltered rich girl with daddy issues. Her taste is awful so if she chooses you that's not a compliment, though underneath her stoic nature might be a real freak. Again, can't deny you the chance to try as all men must give that a shot."

Jaune: "And Altan?"

Harold: "Religious, from a stable family, stoic, beautiful, loves steak, can smash a tank flat with her bare hands. You'd be a fool not to go for her."

 

[zMADLAXz]

Harold: "Religious, from a stable family, stoic, beautiful, loves steak, can smash a tank flat with her bare hands. You'd be a fool not to go for her."

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Honestly, AJT!Altan is an unfairly good choice as a life partner.

Relegious but she focuses more on the teaching of the relegion rather than being a fanatic believer, also values the principles of celibacy.

Plus she is a self sufficient warrior who is not afraid to show love.

And top of that, Kitty with soft hair, perfect for cuddles.

She is the best of AJT waifu verse.

In fact if Professor Harold is a Ron Swanson expyee then by all means, anybody other than Altan shouldn't even be a choice.

Save for perhaps Yang but she has other many issues.

Pyrrha would be a great option in his eyes if she wasn't such a wall flower. Cause remember Diane wad the one to pursue Ron while also making him realise that he cannot continue his solitary lifestyle as he is now her life partner.

 

[RandomDragon]

Honestly, AJT!Altan is an unfairly good choice as a life partner.

Relegious but she focuses more on the teaching of the relegion rather than being a fanatic believer, also values the principles of celibacy.

Plus she is a self sufficient warrior who is not afraid to show love.

And top of that, Kitty with soft hair, perfect for cuddles.

She is the best of AJT waifu verse.

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she has the greatest advantage that any of the RWBY verse ladies could have...she was too powerful and thus was regulated to the deepest, darkest, and most forgotten wastelands of side characters.

But she has become the most reliable waifu, and potentially best lady for Juane to have.

the ladies of RWBY are now sensing the rival and have assesed her power...she is almost unfairly beyond them, there is no choice but to try and seduce juane away from the lioness!

 

[Gyron]

With all this Ron/Harold connection, who would be his 3 Tammys, ie his mother Tamara, Tammy 1 and Tammy 2.

 

[TheFabulousCustodes]

Jaune: "But I ate a lot of meat!"

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Mulberry/Swanson - We're switching you onto a 100% meat diet, and ditching anything that grows out of the ground, or off a plant."

Jaune - "Wait, I didn't go to medical school like my mom wanted, but I'm pretty sure I'll die if I eat like that...."

Mulberry/Swanson - "It's weaknesses like needing plants to survive that you need to power past, Jaune."

Harold: "Religious, from a stable family, stoic, beautiful, loves steak, can smash a tank flat with her bare hands. You'd be a fool not to go for her."

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This man's advice should be engraved onto stone tablets, and preserved for the ages.

 

[AndrewJTalon]

Mulberry/Swanson - We're switching you onto a 100% meat diet, and ditching anything that grows out of the ground, or off a plant."

Jaune - "Wait, I didn't go to medical school like my mom wanted, but I'm pretty sure I'll die if I eat like that...."

Mulberry/Swanson - "It's weaknesses like needing plants to survive that you need to power past, Jaune."



This man's advice should be engraved onto stone tablets, and preserved for the ages.

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Mulberry: "So... Is there any possible way that sex with Salem could be involved as a way to stop her?"

Qrow: "Dude..."

Mulberry: "I will admit I don't quite get this Goth Dommy Mommy thing the kids are blathering about but if Salem qualifies, I believe it is worth a shot to see if it will stop her."

Ironwood: "If that's a joke, it's a terrible one. Sleeping with the enemy?"

Mulberry: "And how is Sienna Khan lately, James?"

Ironwood: "... That's different."

Glynda: "You're not even trying to deny it?"

Ironwood: "Is anyone unaware of my relationship with Sienna?"

Silence.

Mulberry: "See?"

Ozpin: "Please Harold, tell me you have a serious proposal."

Mulberry: "Well, we are either supposed to fight until we all die... Or maybe an actual man could sort things out."

Ozpin: "That is my ex-wife."

Mulberry: "How many bodies was that ago?"

Ozpin: "A lot."

Mulberry: "I'm just saying, I have probably dated crazier."

Qrow: "He's not wrong about that. Tammy 2 was nuts."

Glynda: "Yes, we all remember Tammy 2."

Mulberry: "God I'm trying not to..."

Ozpin: "Was Tammy 2 an omnicidal maniac?"

Mulberry: "Picture her with Salem's powers."

Ozpin: "... We'll consider it a back up plan."

Mulberry: "Works for me."

 

[Azzy Rael]

This man is my hero. I wanna be just like him when I become aged and tried of listening to social bullshit.

 

[The Brotherhood of Steel]

-Weiss and Ruby have a fight, and Ruby decides to befriend Winter just to spite Weiss. Weiss, deeply offended, befriends Jaune to get back at Ruby. Stupidity and hilarity ensues.

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Jaune and Winter feeling smothered by the two end up escaping to Vale Together and getting to know each other ends with them hooking up.

 

[The Brotherhood of Steel]

Fallout RWBY crossover Idea.

Instead of the Ever after RWBY finds themselves in a post Brotherhood Victory commonwealth no idea where they are and no sign of Jaune. As they travel they experience first hand the dangers of the fallout universe dealing with Raiders, Mutants, and even Deathclaw. They learn a bit about the history the united states and the great war that happened over 200 years from wastelanders they encounter as they search for Jaune. Things take a turn when they come across a recruitment poster bearing a familiar face.

Think pic below but with an older Jaune.

This leads them to thinking Jaune is dead until they eventual encounter the Brotherhood and through them the Sole Survivor who is revealed to be Jaune.

 

[Sliverhero]

Jaune and Winter feeling smothered by the two end up escaping to Vale Together and getting to know each other ends with them hooking up.

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Only for Ruby and weiss to follow. Which ends with Jaune and Winter having to correct these brats

 

[Gur40]

Cinder vs the cooler Cinder

Spoiler: brother?

The Irony of Cinder having a Fireproof sibling that was also human trafficked and trained by Rhodes that was looking for ALL the trafficked kids
and of all those kids Rhodes was trying to protect while getting evidence by being lawful stupid good

---

Besides Jaune and Nora who else?

Spoiler: wounds over illness

Yang and Ruby but who else?

---

RWBY Critics have a point?

Spoiler: canon silver eyes SUCK

what's your opinion

Spoiler: what i want out of SEW

---

Weiss daydreams of Pyrrha as her partner

Spoiler: d

...
also what about the Bleiss idea of her being a Summon caused by Nightmare Grimm and Weiss Subconscious fused that can summon herself

---

The idea of Raven being replaced with an alternate version by Salem when she fought Salem
and Yang was replaced when she was injured by the fake Raven

Spoiler: Mommy home

when do they come back and take out the imposters?
V4 RNJR traveling?
When Weiss is Captured?
The Battle At Haven?

 

[LordofBones]

A few fun ideas:

-Weiss and Ruby have a fight, and Ruby decides to befriend Winter just to spite Weiss. Weiss, deeply offended, befriends Jaune to get back at Ruby. Stupidity and hilarity ensues.

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Ruby: "HAH! Your sister's my bestie now!"
Weiss: "Oh yeah?! Well, I stole away your best friend!"
Ruby: "Snob!"
Weiss: "Brat!"
Ruby: "Elitist!"
Weiss: "Child!"
Ruby: "FLAT!"

-Jaune and Ren get tasked with removing spiders and other bugs from rooms to keep their female friends from freaking out. Also mice.

Click to shrink...

Jaune: *tiredly* "The spider's gone, Pyrrha."
Ren: "And so are the mouse, the earwig, the two weevils under the bed, and all the dust mites we could find."
Pyrrha: *curled in Jaune's covers, whimpering with only her eyes visible* "It's not going to come crawling back and eat my face?"
Nora: *hunkered down under Ren's blankets, gibbering about things laying eggs in her ears*

*Five minutes later, JNPR's room door is busted open by a hysterical Team RWBY*

Ruby: *tearfully* "It was on my baby! A huge filthy bug!"
Weiss: "It was enormous! A deep blood red, with spots as black as night! And it was there, staring at us!"

Jaune: *sighs, walks to RWBY's dorm room* "The hell? A ladybird?"
Weiss: "Luh...luh...ladybird?! Who named these beasts 'ladies'?!"

 

[Salraic238]

Idea. So you know how some people speculate that Remnant is distant apocalyptic future Earth? I was looking at its map, and I can do you one better. It's distant apocalyptic future Planetos. With some plate tectonics added, Sanus is Westeros, Anima is Essos, and Menagerie is Sothoryos. The Brother Gods are R'hllor and the Great Other.

 

[AndrewJTalon]

Port: "HAHA! And welcome to the Beacon Radio Show! I'm Professor Port, and with me is Professor Harold Mulberry, our Weapons repair and maintenance instructor!"

Harold: "Hello. I am here under protest, as I have my own podcast. 'Mulling with Mulberry'. In which I speak about the evils of government and how to be a real man in today's coddled, feminist society."

Port: "I highly recommend it! I had no idea you could disable the transmission gears of a Valean Chimera tank with tar, a molotov cocktail, and some steel chain!"

Harold: "Industrial Standard Metric Rating 30 should be sufficient but to be sure of disabling the vehicle, use Rating 50. Preferably while supported with machine gun fire from a protected bunker, drones, or other diversion tactics to tie up infantry support and blind the tank's situational awareness. This is easier in an urban environment which is where most fighting during an armed rebellion will occur."

Port: "Ha! Reminds me of the time I helped in the Pandavan Revolution! I had to disable an Atlasian-built T-85 tank while fighting a whole squad of Grimm and Kauravan soldiers, armed only with a coconut!"

Harold: "Pay attention to Port's stories, kids. You never know when the government will flip over into full on Utopianist authoritarianism, when they unleash Grimm via ancient Grimm magical control spells upon the rebelling populace. When that happens, you must ask yourself: Will you be a sheep for the slaughter, or a wolf who tears out the throat of tyranny? I know which will make for a better historical novel."

Port: "We will also talk a lot about our favorite alcohol!"

Harold: "Well obviously."

- - -

Mombi: "Oh, hello. This is um, Head Librarian... Well, only Librarian Mombi Lang-"

Peach: "And I'm Professor Thumbelina Peach! Welcome to the show! Today is more for any young Huntresses out there! The topic is: How to land your dreamboat husband!"

Mombi: "Are-Are we allowed to talk about that?"

Peach: "Of course we are! What, do you want to fight horrible monsters for a living with no husband or kids to come back to until you're 40? I sure don't! Any Huntress who wants this is kidding themselves! It's not sexism to want a happy home, handsome and rich husband, and kids to love!"

Mombi: "Um, but you don't have any of those things."

Dead silence.

Peach: "Wh-What does that matter?! I'm just taking my time to find the right man! Focusing a bit more on my career-What man wants to marry a bore of a wife, anyway?! You gotta know when to kick ass and when to be beautifully feminine! Both of which I will cover in today's episode!"

Mombi: "Um, me too..."

- - -

Oobleck: "-The Third Dynasty of Mistral is NOT MYSTERIOUS. THEY TOOK METICULOUS NOTES WITH ONE OF THE MOST ADVANCED FILING AND LIBRARY SYSTEMS IN HUMANKIND'S HISTORY POST-MOONSHATTER UP TO THAT POINT. THEY DID NOT SECRETLY INVENT FLYING MACHINES WITH ALIEN HELP! THIS ENTIRE MOVIE IS TRASH!"

Mombi: "Y-Yes... But I do kind of like it...?"

Oobleck: "ARTISTIC TASTE IS NOT IN QUESTION BUT FILM CRITICISM IS AN ENTIRELY DIFFERENT GENRE! DIFFERENT FROM WHAT WE ARE DISCUSSING TODAY!"

Mombi: "Meep!"

Port: "Indeed! We are discussing the pool cue you used to beat Professor Antimony up with during your debate on the Third Dynasty!"

Oobleck: "Again, that is entirely different from the main subject of debate!" Pause "However, for the record it was a 1967 Harold Hill Deluxe. It only broke after three hits on that charlatan's head, meaning it was high quality."

Port: "Especially given how hard his head was!"

Oobleck: "Indeed!"

 

[TheFabulousCustodes]

Peach: "Wh-What does that matter?! I'm just taking my time to find the right man! Focusing a bit more on my career-What man wants to marry a bore of a wife, anyway?! You gotta know when to kick ass and when to be beautifully feminine! Both of which I will cover in today's episode!"

Mombi: "Um, me too..."

Click to shrink...

Where's Glynda at?

 

[AndrewJTalon]

Peach: "Hello again, and joining us on the show today is Professor Anne Green, our Survival and Stealth expert, and Professor Harold Mulberry, our Weapons Design and Maintenance teacher! Say hello!"

Anne: "No."

Harold: "No."

Peach: "... Okay... So! Anne! What are you teaching your class this week?"

Anne: "The human body can be entirely drained of blood in 5.3 seconds with the right pump."

Peach: "... Why would that be useful to know?"

Mulberry: "... What kind of pump?"

Anne: "Do you have a recommendation?"

Mulberry: "I keep an industrial strength shop vac, a Wayland Tech Handyboy 323 model. It can be used for wet or dry cleaning, doesn't even require a change of filter and can move 100 cubic feet of air per minute, or approximately 24 liquid liters per minute. Given the average human or Faunus has about 5 liters of blood, you might have been calculating this figure with an inferior model in mind."

Anne: "Interesting. Tell me more-"

Peach: "WHY?!"
- - -

Peach: "Ugh... Anyway! This show we have Headmaster Ozpin on the show!"

Ozpin: "Hello all."

Peach: "So, what can you tell us about your work today?"

Ozpin: "I arranged for Mister Arc to fight Miss Rose today, and dropped some cryptic messages that he took as advice in becoming a better leader. It was in fact to get them to interact and perhaps start seeing eachother as more than friends."

Peach: "Wait what?!"

Ozpin: "Ah. My mistake, I wasn't supposed to reveal that-"

Peach: "ARE YOU ABUSING YOUR POWER TO SABOTAGE THE BETTING POOL?!"

Ozpin: "Not at all... At least, no more than you are."

Peach: "... Mister Arc and Miss Schnee ended up locked in that closet entirely by accident."

Ozpin: "Of course they did..." sips coffee
- - -

Peach: "So, Bart, what are you focusing on in your first year class this semester?"

Oobleck: "We've covered the Faunus Revolution and the Great War, our primary focus right now is on the Hunter Association System across Remnant!"

Peach: "How fascinating~! Tell me more~..."

Oobleck: "Thumbelina, please. Stay professional."

Peach: "You didn't mind me being unprofessional in the past, now did you~?"

Oobleck: "We both agreed to be professional, Peach. I told you before-I'm married to my work."

Peach: "But Barty darling-!"

Oobleck: "I've got to be free, Lina."

Peach: "WHY WON'T YOU LOVE MEEEEE-"

- - -

If Mulberry's characterization is based on Ron Swanson's... I had to base Anne a bit on April Ludgate.