You know? Given my particular situation, I'm reminded of my time in middle school when I and all...
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Grim Lord | 21 |
Armsmaster suddenly launched himself at Tattletale, only to be hit with a beam of light from Legend. Armsmaster went careening to the ground. When he stopped he looked up and managed to say,
"You bitch." Tattletale shrugged.
"I've been called worse. And honestly? Your plan was pretty stupid. The way Endbringer physiology work you could have-"
Armsmaster suddenly launched himself at Tattletale, only to be hit with a beam of light from Legend. Armsmaster went careening to the ground. When he stopped he looked up and managed to say, "You bitch."
Tattletale shrugged. "I've been called worse. And honestly? Your plan was pretty stupid. The way Endbringer physiology work you could have-"
Firstly, Skitter loosing her hand happened in the cannon when she reached for Armsmaster's halberd and got too close to its blade. It was later fixed by Panacea.Interesting.
How did Taylor lose her hand? Divergence from canon ...
Also, a formatting thing.
Please, please, please put the dialogue on the same line as the actions of the people who are saying it. Otherwise I get headaches.
Like this:
No, she didn't. She comes within inches of touching the blade (he should have put an 'and' instead of a comma there). The wording is ambiguous, but there are references in the text thereafter to "my one good hand" and so forth. She never bandages the left hand, and if she'd been bleeding all that time, she'd be dead. Also, she only ever refers to her broken arm (and later back), not a missing hand,Firstly, Skitter loosing her hand happened in the cannon when she reached for Armsmaster's halberd and got too close to its blade. It was later fixed by Panacea.
Extermination 8.6 said:"Microfracture in your shoulder, nerve damage to your left hand, reduced fine dexterity."
No, what you're doing is having the dialogue of one character sharing the same paragraph with the actions of another character. It's hella confusing.Secoundly, what you discribe is a format of writing called action tags, something I generally avoid as it isn't conventional writting and goes agaist the rule of starting a new paragraph with every new speaker. I do it sometimes, when I feel it would work better, but in general it is something I avoid.
Okay, one more time.
"You're staring again." Tenant commented with a slightly amused tone.
'She is lucky enough to have those and she is shoving sharp objections in them like they are glorified storage containers.' Skitter thought at him defensively. Tenant sarcastically pretended to look baffled at the way she said that, then paused for a moment.
"Actually, I've been thinking on that. I-"
'I bet you have.' Tenant acted offended for a moment.
"What I was going to say was that you should make your identity harder to discern by putting in fake breasts in your custom." Skitter was about to retort to that when she realized that it wasn't that bad of an idea. She was sixteen, it wouldn't be hard for the local capes to assume that the growth was because she was a late bloomer. The real issue would be dealing with Alec, Imp, and probably Riza. Tattletale would probably have a few comments on it too, but she could deal with that at another time.
"Where are you going?" asked Joe.
"Store. Out of smokes," Jessica replied.
"Get me a can of Coke while you're there?"
"How about some money, tightarse?"
Joe got out his wallet and handed her a fiver. "Here you go, woman."
"You're staring again." Tenant commented with a slightly amused tone. Tenant
'She is lucky enough to have those and she is shoving sharp objections in them like they are glorified storage containers.' Skitter thought at him defensively. Skitter
Tenant sarcastically pretended to look baffled at the way she said that, then paused for a moment. "Actually, I've been thinking on that. I-" Tenant
'I bet you have.' Skitter (no tags, but easily discernible from context, where it just plain was not before)
Tenant acted offended for a moment. "What I was going to say was that you should make your identity harder to discern by putting in fake breasts in your custom." Tenant
Skitter was about to retort to that when she realized that it wasn't that bad of an idea. She was sixteen, it wouldn't be hard for the local capes to assume that the growth was because she was a late bloomer. The real issue would be dealing with Alec, Imp, and probably Riza. Tattletale would probably have a few comments on it too, but she could deal with that at another time. While there's no speech in this one, it does address Skitter's internal thoughts, so it's a 'Skitter' paragraph.
"That is going to be one interesting call to Coil." Tenant mused. "Hello? Yeah, can I get a pair of B or C cup silicone breasts? I assure you that it is of the utmost importance." Tenant
Skitter decided to ignore that for the moment and turned her attention to Riza and Brute. Skitter
I see what you are saying, and it is something I'm working on correcting, but it is a minor detail so I don't always catch it. My biggest issue going forward is that I copy paste chapters from Spacebattles where I have 18 chapters posted, but I also paste to Spacebattles from Fanfiction where I have 36 chapters posted. All the things I have posted so far I have written and edited once already. So you might not see those changes on here immedatly.Okay, one more time.
It should be clear on reading who is saying what.
With the bolded lines, there is no indication as to who is saying what. In fact, it's easy to mistake Skitter's line for Tenant's. It is possible to determine from context, but having to read back and forth and puzzle out who said what kills the rhythm of reading.
Dialogue can be assigned to characters in one of three ways:
Dialogue tags (" ..". he said.)
Action tags (Joe thought about that. "No.")
Or ongoing context:
What is not a standard way of writing is dropping the dialogue into a paragraph about the other character. Each paragraph is about one character. Don't mix them up.
The section above, fixed:
You see what I'm trying to say?
If your stories are hard to read, then people won't read them. I'm just trying to help you out here.
[Also: it's 'sharp objects', not 'sharp objections'.]
I don't do serial posting. I do simultaneous posting. That way, if I need to edit something, I set to and edit them all at once.I see what you are saying, and it is something I'm working on correcting, but it is a minor detail so I don't always catch it. My biggest issue going forward is that I copy paste chapters from Spacebattles where I have 18 chapters posted, but I also paste to Spacebattles from Fanfiction where I have 36 chapters posted. All the things I have posted so far I have written and edited once already. So you might not see those changes on here immedatly.
But yes, I do see what you're saying.
"Excuse me," said Zach, looking at the van, "but is there anyone in your vehicle?"
The trooper shook his head. "No. Why?"
Zach ignored the question. "That is good. How much does it cost?"
"With all the equipment, couple hundred thousand or so," the trooper said. "Don't try to steal it, kid. I will foam your ass."
Zach turned to me. "Taylor, is it acceptable to destroy something worth two hundred thousand dollars to keep you safe?"
"I … what?" I wasn't keeping up at all. "Destroying that will keep me safe? How?"
"It will remove a threat on your life." Zach's voice was entirely serious.
I shrugged. "Um … my life's pretty damn valuable to me, so … yes?"
Welp, no more critiquing from me, because you just aren't listening.
Yes, I get it that you're relatively new to writing. But the only way to get better is to learn and improve.
Want to get more likes? Improve your writing.
Hmm ... okay.No need to get up in arms, I am listening, and I apreciate the critique. But I'm applying it to the new chapters when I put them on Spacebattles because I can't go back through and nit pick through these pages a fourth time just to rearrange five or six peices of dialouge. But I have taken what you said to heart and I am applying to everything after chapter 18.
It's fine, here is the link to the Spacebattle's version of the story if you wanted to read ahead and see me trying to impliment what you're saying.Hmm ... okay.
I forgot that this wasn't the original posting.
Sorry for the harsh tone.