The Rise of a Necromancer (Tell me what you think!)

[Cptn_Kevlar0882]

"I hope you know why we've brought you here today" The Justicar's armoured helm giving them a hawk-like appearance and deep voice resonating within the human's full suit of armour. Adam looked nervously from left to right.
"We are in imperial territory! Why do you have me tied down!"
"Very well, let's start from the beginning… Are you Adam T'Starra Brown?"
"You don't have jurisdiction in the Eastern Protectate! You can't do this, I have Immunity!" The Justicar slapped Adam with his hand, the sound resounded inside of the tent. Adam then spat blood into the sand still tied to his chair. Adam's head spun as he marvelled at the stars formulating. He was still dressed in his morning robes, he last remembered sailing.
"Are you or are you not Adam T'Starra Brown?" Adam then gave a silent nod.
"The god's require us your verbal recognition, Adam."
"I am." Adam stared daggers at his captors.
"You stand charged with crimes against His Majesty's Dynasty and for the unlawful acquisition of state property." Adam's rage grew.
"The Imperial Mandate is that Slavery is abolished you foolish idiots!"
"His Majesty no longer recognizes the Imperial Authority."
"Is his majesty daft? The Empire will crush him!" The justicar raised his hand to slap him again but resisted.
"You Adam T'Starra Brown will be escorted by the court to you new quarters until you are to stand trial."
"You will stand before the presiding judge and you will be provided with consultation with a Juris unless you have the means to provide for some other kind of consultation. You'll have to use a Juris within city limits however."
"Which city am I in?"
"Ceres," The justicar began to untie Adam from the chair
"I wouldn't move a muscle, little mageling my knife hand is much faster than yours," The justicar warned, continuing to untie Adam as his mind raced for some way out.
"I also wouldn't worry about getting the death penalty either mageling, you'll more then likely be working off that debt."
"You separatists disgust me!" Adam spat another wad of blood and multiple guards began to pull the wizard to his feet. "The Empire needs unity right now! There are threats everywhere!"
"The Empire little mageling is sick, like a horse that's lived far too long."
"It doesn't have to be this way!"
"No? How many wars has the Empire fought just trying to keep itself together mageling, how many of my brothers and sisters are going to die to ensure Imperial legacy and their polished thrones?"
"And arresting someone from rescuing people from slavery is doing just that?"
"You can plead that side of your case to the courts though I doubt it'll be accepted."
"And what about you sir?"
"What about me?"
"What do you stand for?!"
"The law mageling whatever that may be."
"The Imperial law states that slavery is abhorrent."
"Imperial law will not protect you here mageling, we justicars have sided with his majesty known to you as the Eastern Protectorate. The justicars serve their individual countries and you live in the newly freed territories of Altraran and his people's majesty to whom I owe sovereignty to whether it is deserved or not I am bound by my oaths."
"Ah and what are without your oaths noble knight but what good is a king who won't keep his oath to the people." Adam was being led outside the tent and he could hear horses. As the sunlight hit his eyes he began to see the full force of what he hadn't at all expected. A massive skeletal army just standing to attention, there were living soldiers as well but in far fewer numbers and the far far distance beyond that he could see the Blight Keep. Embalming fluid being the most prevalent smell caught on the wind at the moment. Something of a burnt chemical smell could also smelt much more faintly beyond but seemed to be stagnant then the rest. Adam and his entourage are then marched off for the woods beyond. Adam could only feel dread as they approached the darkness.


Tell me what you think of my prologue! I am very eager to hear what I could be doing better!

I don't know if this is allowed I will remove it if not. here is a link to the rest of my unfinished work.

https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/54541/the-rise-of-a-necromancer/chapter/912086/chapter-0-prologue

Thanks everybody!

 

[RichardWhereat]

Indentation works very well on paper, but less so online. The current format of line breaks was arrived at from a point of readability. Well worth the use.

Where the justicar says Ceres, and then tells him not to move, that probably shouldn't be on separate lines, and you're missing either a comma or period at the end of the Ceres.

Adam seems desperate as fuck, trying for any line of argument to get free. So he obviously knows his position is weak.

I like the dialogue, you did well there. However a lot more narration would do well.

 

[Cptn_Kevlar0882]

Indentation works very well on paper, but less so online. The current format of line breaks was arrived at from a point of readability. Well worth the use.

Where the justicar says Ceres, and then tells him not to move, that probably shouldn't be on separate lines, and you're missing either a comma or period at the end of the Ceres.

Adam seems desperate as fuck, trying for any line of argument to get free. So he obviously knows his position is weak.

I like the dialogue, you did well there. However a lot more narration would do well.

Click to shrink...

Thanks! I am glad I got Adam's position off as well as I did. better descriptions is a constant struggle so I need to work on that thanks XD

 

[Stormbringer117]

Kinda short, I typically don't post a chapter if it's under 3K, but I am hooked by the word necromancy.

Watched.

 

[Cptn_Kevlar0882]

Kinda short, I typically don't post a chapter if it's under 3K, but I am hooked by the word necromancy.

Watched.

Click to shrink...

Well I sorta made my prologue something to catch people in the action of it, Thanks for the insight of course many of my other chapters are much longer.

 

[Erenthia]

I do love me some necromancer action, and since you've asked for comments here goes.

1) As others have said, the indentation is really hurting you. Making everything in italics on top of that makes it physically hard to read. I'd go so far as to say you should do some edits for new readers. Also, quotes should be their own paragraphs almost 100% of the time.

2) I'd add an opening paragraph or two to set the stage a little. Also, a good time to do a little world-building. Doesn't have to be much.

3) With descriptions, I've found that the fewer independent clauses the better. It forces to reader to hang on your every word. Also try to use more evocative verbs when you can. For instance

"The Justicar slapped Adam with his hand, the sound resounded inside of the tent. Adam then spat blood into the sand still tied to his chair"

might work better this way

"The Justicar brought the back of his left hand across Adam's cheek with violent disdain, the sound of it resounding off the inside of the tent even as Adam spit blood into the sand though still held fast by the prison of his chair."

Of course, there's further ways to modify this depending on the overall emotion of the Justicar.

4) Most of the time you should still tell us people are talking. I sometimes skip this myself when I find it appropriate, but you shouldn't as a matter of course.

"You stand charged with crimes against His Majesty's Dynasty and for the unlawful acquisition of state property." Adam's rage grew.

could be

"You stand charged with crimes against His Majesty's Dynasty and for the unlawful acquisition of state property." Adam's rage grew with every puerile word coming from the Justicar's mouth.

5) And now for the piece of advice that people kept giving me over and over and took me years to get: Avoid passive voice.

Something of a burnt chemical smell could also smelt much more faintly beyond but seemed to be stagnant then the rest. Adam and his entourage are then marched off for the woods beyond

So basically what it amounts to is that passive voice is a little confusing, especially when you're writing in third person. You need to tell us who is smelling the burnt chemical smell and who forced Adam and his entourage to march. If you do some googling you'll find all sorts of different explanations for why passive voice is bad, and honestly, I don't agree with any of the ones I remember reading. The key is clarity and to my mind, that's the real problem with passive voice. And remember, your go-to descriptive words are verbs first, adjectives second, and adverbs should be used as sparingly as possible.

Conclusions: This isn't a bad start. Honestly, the formatting is probably the thing in most desperate need of cleaning up and that's good news, because it's easy. For everything else, just push yourself when and where you can. Don't stress about it. Make improving your writing a game.

 

[Cptn_Kevlar0882]

Of course, there's further ways to modify this depending on the overall emotion of the Justicar.

4) Most of the time you should still tell us people are talking. I sometimes skip this myself when I find it appropriate, but you shouldn't as a matter of course.

"You stand charged with crimes against His Majesty's Dynasty and for the unlawful acquisition of state property." Adam's rage grew.

could be

"You stand charged with crimes against His Majesty's Dynasty and for the unlawful acquisition of state property." Adam's rage grew with every puerile word coming from the Justicar's mouth.

5) And now for the piece of advice that people kept giving me over and over and took me years to get: Avoid passive voice.

Something of a burnt chemical smell could also smelt much more faintly beyond but seemed to be stagnant then the rest. Adam and his entourage are then marched off for the woods beyond

So basically what it amounts to is that passive voice is a little confusing, especially when you're writing in third person. You need to tell us who is smelling the burnt chemical smell and who forced Adam and his entourage to march. If you do some googling you'll find all sorts of different explanations for why passive voice is bad, and honestly, I don't agree with any of the ones I remember reading. The key is clarity and to my mind, that's the real problem with passive voice. And remember, your go-to descriptive words are verbs first, adjectives second, and adverbs should be used as sparingly as possible.

Conclusions: This isn't a bad start. Honestly, the formatting is probably the thing in most desperate need of cleaning up and that's good news, because it's easy. For everything else, just push yourself when and where you can. Don't stress about it. Make improving your writing a game.

Click to shrink...

Thanks man thats really constructive and I will make sure to work on that as well. I plan on making a second draft once I finish the first draft of the book. I really like the criticism though, always glad to have easy fixes because that means I don't have to put it off due to x or y deadline.

 

[Erenthia]

Thanks man thats really constructive and I will make sure to work on that as well. I plan on making a second draft once I finish the first draft of the book. I really like the criticism though, always glad to have easy fixes because that means I don't have to put it off due to x or y deadline.

Click to shrink...

That's too bad, I was looking forward to reading it chapter by chapter, but that's totally your call. Also, I just remembered one of the games I used to play for improving my writing. I made the words "was" and "is" completely off-limits for a while, not because they are inherently bad to use, I just wanted to force myself to be more evocative.

Also, I've never written faster than since I came here. Posting chapters here as often as I can has done wonders to cure me of my perfectionism.