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[RWBY] RWBY Shorts
- Thread starter AndrewJTalon
- Start date
ExFelineServer3
No Longer Anyone’s Scratching Post
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Man, you know there was no onion, that was just a ninja called AndrewJTalon sucker punching you somewhere sensitive!
JerkRyanShadowWanker
Verified Wanker
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That's a very nice statue, when is it getting smashed by an enemy?
Unknown_One
Back after a layoff...
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If that happens, then whoever does it will not know the depths of hell they will be put through by the rest of RWBYNPR before the grandparents add three more layers and Jaune sends them through the rest before denying relief for 40 days and 40 nights.
Breaker hath no fury than that if a pissed off Arc clan, Team RWBYNPR, and a scorned father/widower.
AndrewJTalon
Well worn.
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You know it might be funny if the Beacon training teams met with in-training teams from like the local Hunter Technical School.
Guy: "Well well well... If it ain't the prisses from Beacon!"
Jaune: "Prisses?
Ruby: "Only Weiss is prissy!"
Weiss: "HEY!"
Guy: "Well well well... If it ain't the prisses from Beacon!"
Jaune: "Prisses?
Ruby: "Only Weiss is prissy!"
Weiss: "HEY!"
zMADLAXz
Will argue for Shonen supremacy even in porn.
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That should be canon.
digcat
Know what you're doing yet?
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Some interesting art of rwby trying to fix the show.
Vale PD: Domestic Disturbances 2
New
AndrewJTalon
Well worn.
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The next call was an older woman who insisted neighborhood children were terrorizing her sidewalk and lawn.
"Those kids—those kids! They keep going on my sidewalk around on those bikes! You gotta arrest them!"
Weiss raised an eyebrow. "Are they… vandalizing?"
"They're riding around and their parents make them go around just to bug me! And those kids—they run around on my lawn and steal my lawn gnomes!" She dragged them inside and pointed at her television. "Look! Look! I've recorded the kids all in front of my house!"
Ruby stared. "…Ma'am, that's a crime."
Yang nodded. "And a little creepy."
The officer sighed. "So is making a false report, since you have all your lawn gnomes inside. Sorry, but you're under arrest."
Nora gasped theatrically. "Le Gasp! The Plot thickens!"
The old woman immediately collapsed, making dramatic gagging noises. "Stroke! I'm having a stroke!"
Jaune didn't even blink. "No you're not. I've seen kids fake strokes better than that."
Nora nodded sagely. "And people who are having strokes can't say they're having strokes! Trust me, I've checked."
"Well you'd better take me to the hospital anyway and get all my pills and call my daughter and take care of my dog—!"
"You can call your daughter at the jail," the officer said flatly. "We'll have the neighbors look after your dog. You can get your meds, but you're going to jail."
"You're arresting me and not the kids?! This is crap!" She flopped harder. "I'm not getting up! I'm passed out!"
They escorted her out anyway. She immediately started screaming at Ruby. "ROSE! ROSE YOU'RE A BITCH!"
"You don't know me!" Ruby cried.
"No, no, don't yell at her," Jaune said.
"I NEED AN AMBULANCE!"
"You don't need an ambulance, you're fine!" Ruby snapped.
Nora shook her head. "Welp, don't think we can sink any lower!"
"BWAH!"
Everyone looked over at Jaune. He was suspended upside-down in one of the old woman's traps.
"THAT'S MY TRAP! YOU SET IT!" the woman crowed. "YOU'RE FIXING IT!"
Jaune closed his eyes. "I swear to God, whatever comes next better be some guys robbing a bank in lesser-known Chancellor's masks."
---
It was not.
The next call was a woman causing a scene at WcDonald's. The manager, a Mantis Faunus, looked exhausted.
"Corporate rules say you can't hang out more than an hour without buying anything. This woman sat and just talked on her Scroll, didn't buy anything, so I asked her to leave or buy something… She started yelling that I was a dirty Faunus slave to the humans, a dirty insect, a lot of other hurtful things. She recorded me when I asked her to leave. Please deal with this."
Jaune nodded. "Don't worry, we will. Hello, ma'am!"
The woman screamed and flung a milkshake straight into his face.
"YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING TO ME! YOU'RE A SLAVE TO HUMANS! YOU'RE A FUCKING SLAVE TO HUMANS CALLING THEM ON ME! FUCKING FAUNUS SLAVE!"
Jaune wiped milkshake from his eyes, expression flat. "I tried." He wordlessly grabbed her by the ear. "Let's take this outside."
"OW OW OWWW! POLICE BRUTALITY! POLICE BRUTALITY!"
"No no, don't grab her by the ear," the officer said quickly. "Wrists. Let's get her in cuffs."
The woman kicked, screamed, and spat while Pyrrha held her steady. They ended up cuffing both wrists and ankles.
"I'LL SUE YOU ALL! I'LL RUIN YOUR LIVES! RUIN YOUR FUCKING LIVES! FAUNUS SLAVES OF THE MAN! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOUUUU!"
The officer tased her. She went rigid with a high-pitched scream, then dissolved into wailing once they got her into the squad car.
"YOU'RE FASCISTS! FASCISSSTS!"
The Mantis manager exhaled. "Thank you. This is not the first time I've called the cops on her. She's a nightmare."
Ren's voice was dry. "We noticed."
Blake hesitated. "Um… So… How do you feel about humans—?"
"I'm just fine with most of them, just not her. I mean I just got into law school, I'm finally getting out of this job—"
Ruby beamed. "Oh, congrats!"
"—and yeah, hopefully never seeing her again."
Yang, seeing Blake's expression, lightly squeezed her shoulder. "It's not your fault other Faunus can be assholes."
Blake made a quiet, depressed sound.
"You're not the Queen of the Faunus, okay, Blake?" Jaune said gently. "And even if you were, this isn't on you. Just… mortal nature."
Blake mumbled something.
"Hm?"
She lifted her head. "I know. I just…"
"Yeah…"
"I ran away to try and change this…"
"Well… I don't think just one person can change all this."
"I know. I learned that before…"
"Those kids—those kids! They keep going on my sidewalk around on those bikes! You gotta arrest them!"
Weiss raised an eyebrow. "Are they… vandalizing?"
"They're riding around and their parents make them go around just to bug me! And those kids—they run around on my lawn and steal my lawn gnomes!" She dragged them inside and pointed at her television. "Look! Look! I've recorded the kids all in front of my house!"
Ruby stared. "…Ma'am, that's a crime."
Yang nodded. "And a little creepy."
The officer sighed. "So is making a false report, since you have all your lawn gnomes inside. Sorry, but you're under arrest."
Nora gasped theatrically. "Le Gasp! The Plot thickens!"
The old woman immediately collapsed, making dramatic gagging noises. "Stroke! I'm having a stroke!"
Jaune didn't even blink. "No you're not. I've seen kids fake strokes better than that."
Nora nodded sagely. "And people who are having strokes can't say they're having strokes! Trust me, I've checked."
"Well you'd better take me to the hospital anyway and get all my pills and call my daughter and take care of my dog—!"
"You can call your daughter at the jail," the officer said flatly. "We'll have the neighbors look after your dog. You can get your meds, but you're going to jail."
"You're arresting me and not the kids?! This is crap!" She flopped harder. "I'm not getting up! I'm passed out!"
They escorted her out anyway. She immediately started screaming at Ruby. "ROSE! ROSE YOU'RE A BITCH!"
"You don't know me!" Ruby cried.
"No, no, don't yell at her," Jaune said.
"I NEED AN AMBULANCE!"
"You don't need an ambulance, you're fine!" Ruby snapped.
Nora shook her head. "Welp, don't think we can sink any lower!"
"BWAH!"
Everyone looked over at Jaune. He was suspended upside-down in one of the old woman's traps.
"THAT'S MY TRAP! YOU SET IT!" the woman crowed. "YOU'RE FIXING IT!"
Jaune closed his eyes. "I swear to God, whatever comes next better be some guys robbing a bank in lesser-known Chancellor's masks."
---
It was not.
The next call was a woman causing a scene at WcDonald's. The manager, a Mantis Faunus, looked exhausted.
"Corporate rules say you can't hang out more than an hour without buying anything. This woman sat and just talked on her Scroll, didn't buy anything, so I asked her to leave or buy something… She started yelling that I was a dirty Faunus slave to the humans, a dirty insect, a lot of other hurtful things. She recorded me when I asked her to leave. Please deal with this."
Jaune nodded. "Don't worry, we will. Hello, ma'am!"
The woman screamed and flung a milkshake straight into his face.
"YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING TO ME! YOU'RE A SLAVE TO HUMANS! YOU'RE A FUCKING SLAVE TO HUMANS CALLING THEM ON ME! FUCKING FAUNUS SLAVE!"
Jaune wiped milkshake from his eyes, expression flat. "I tried." He wordlessly grabbed her by the ear. "Let's take this outside."
"OW OW OWWW! POLICE BRUTALITY! POLICE BRUTALITY!"
"No no, don't grab her by the ear," the officer said quickly. "Wrists. Let's get her in cuffs."
The woman kicked, screamed, and spat while Pyrrha held her steady. They ended up cuffing both wrists and ankles.
"I'LL SUE YOU ALL! I'LL RUIN YOUR LIVES! RUIN YOUR FUCKING LIVES! FAUNUS SLAVES OF THE MAN! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOUUUU!"
The officer tased her. She went rigid with a high-pitched scream, then dissolved into wailing once they got her into the squad car.
"YOU'RE FASCISTS! FASCISSSTS!"
The Mantis manager exhaled. "Thank you. This is not the first time I've called the cops on her. She's a nightmare."
Ren's voice was dry. "We noticed."
Blake hesitated. "Um… So… How do you feel about humans—?"
"I'm just fine with most of them, just not her. I mean I just got into law school, I'm finally getting out of this job—"
Ruby beamed. "Oh, congrats!"
"—and yeah, hopefully never seeing her again."
Yang, seeing Blake's expression, lightly squeezed her shoulder. "It's not your fault other Faunus can be assholes."
Blake made a quiet, depressed sound.
"You're not the Queen of the Faunus, okay, Blake?" Jaune said gently. "And even if you were, this isn't on you. Just… mortal nature."
Blake mumbled something.
"Hm?"
She lifted her head. "I know. I just…"
"Yeah…"
"I ran away to try and change this…"
"Well… I don't think just one person can change all this."
"I know. I learned that before…"
Last edited:
TheFabulousCustodes
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It's just a matter of time until someone does something to Yang's hair.....
dogbertcarroll
Random lurker
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It's officially listed as a suicide in the report.
ExFelineServer3
No Longer Anyone’s Scratching Post
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Basically, you're saying that they had it coming then. 
Vale PD: Domestic Disturbances 3
New
AndrewJTalon
Well worn.
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The five-car pile-up sat in the middle of the intersection like a metal sculpture of bad decisions. Steam still hissed from one radiator. A single hubcap rolled lazily in a circle before clattering to a stop. RWBY, JNPR, and their usual Vale PD beat-cop escorts had arrived first, but they weren't alone for long.
Four familiar figures in slightly-too-new detective jackets hopped out of an unmarked cruiser.
Sun Wukong cracked his knuckles. "Alright, juniors on the scene! We got this."
Ruby blinked. "Uh… we got here first. We should investigate."
Sun pointed at the badge clipped to his lapel. "Junior detectives. That means we investigate. You guys are still on beat."
Neptune slid forward with his usual sunglasses-and-smile combo, completely ignoring the wrecked cars. "Pyrrha! Yang! Looking radiant as always. Just so you know, I'm totally over Weiss now. Completely moved on. Ready for new horizons."
Weiss's jaw flexed so hard it looked like she was trying to chew through her own molars.
Yang didn't even pretend to be polite. "Get bent, Vasilias."
Pyrrha offered a strained but still-polite smile. "I… appreciate the sentiment, but please direct your attentions elsewhere."
Nora bounced on her toes, Magnhild already half-manifested. "I say we investigate, because I have a hammer and I am willing to use it."
Ren laid a calming hand on her shoulder. "Nora."
Neptune, undeterred, turned his charm offensive on the next target. "Nora, has anyone ever told you that hammer of yours is almost as impressive as—"
Ren's voice went flat. "Nora is free to use the hammer."
"No she is not," Jaune said quickly, stepping between them. "Absolutely not. We are not solving jurisdiction with blunt force trauma."
Ruby and Jaune both raised their hands in the universal "please don't escalate" gesture.
Scarlet crossed his arms, looking deeply unimpressed with the entire situation. "We're literally junior detectives. Let us investigate. And while we're on the subject—" He turned a pointed look on Blake. "Will you please stop writing erotic yaoi fiction about me with the other members of SSSN? I don't like any of them that way. Especially not Neptune."
The entire intersection went quiet.
Everyone slowly turned to stare at Blake.
Blake stood perfectly still, expression carefully blank… except for the deep crimson flush creeping up her neck and the tips of her ears.
Sun's face fell into pure betrayal. "Blake…?"
Neptune looked personally wounded. "I am deeply offended."
Blake cleared her throat, still refusing to meet anyone's eyes. "…I write a whole other genre of erotica for you, Sun."
Sun brightened a fraction. "Oh. Well… that's something, I guess."
Weiss and Ruby both stared at her like she'd just admitted to keeping a live Nevermore under her bed.
A brief, chaotic round of overlapping arguments broke out—jurisdiction, badges, hammers, the ethics of fanfiction based on real teammates—until Sage stepped forward and raised one large, calm hand.
"My Semblance is Psychometry," he said evenly. "I can see the past of objects and who has touched them. We should investigate together."
That, at least, everyone could agree on.
Sage walked over to the car that had clearly caused the pile-up—the one with the crumpled front end and the driver's door still hanging open. He rested his palm against the steering wheel, closed his eyes, and went still.
A moment later his expression darkened.
"The owner," he said, "is a pedophile and a drug dealer."
Silence.
"Is... Is that admissable in court?" Jaune asked.
From somewhere behind a nearby dumpster came a panicked curse and the sound of sprinting footsteps.
Every head snapped toward the noise.
The owner was already running.
"We'll ask," Ruby said, holding up Crescent Rose.
Four familiar figures in slightly-too-new detective jackets hopped out of an unmarked cruiser.
Sun Wukong cracked his knuckles. "Alright, juniors on the scene! We got this."
Ruby blinked. "Uh… we got here first. We should investigate."
Sun pointed at the badge clipped to his lapel. "Junior detectives. That means we investigate. You guys are still on beat."
Neptune slid forward with his usual sunglasses-and-smile combo, completely ignoring the wrecked cars. "Pyrrha! Yang! Looking radiant as always. Just so you know, I'm totally over Weiss now. Completely moved on. Ready for new horizons."
Weiss's jaw flexed so hard it looked like she was trying to chew through her own molars.
Yang didn't even pretend to be polite. "Get bent, Vasilias."
Pyrrha offered a strained but still-polite smile. "I… appreciate the sentiment, but please direct your attentions elsewhere."
Nora bounced on her toes, Magnhild already half-manifested. "I say we investigate, because I have a hammer and I am willing to use it."
Ren laid a calming hand on her shoulder. "Nora."
Neptune, undeterred, turned his charm offensive on the next target. "Nora, has anyone ever told you that hammer of yours is almost as impressive as—"
Ren's voice went flat. "Nora is free to use the hammer."
"No she is not," Jaune said quickly, stepping between them. "Absolutely not. We are not solving jurisdiction with blunt force trauma."
Ruby and Jaune both raised their hands in the universal "please don't escalate" gesture.
Scarlet crossed his arms, looking deeply unimpressed with the entire situation. "We're literally junior detectives. Let us investigate. And while we're on the subject—" He turned a pointed look on Blake. "Will you please stop writing erotic yaoi fiction about me with the other members of SSSN? I don't like any of them that way. Especially not Neptune."
The entire intersection went quiet.
Everyone slowly turned to stare at Blake.
Blake stood perfectly still, expression carefully blank… except for the deep crimson flush creeping up her neck and the tips of her ears.
Sun's face fell into pure betrayal. "Blake…?"
Neptune looked personally wounded. "I am deeply offended."
Blake cleared her throat, still refusing to meet anyone's eyes. "…I write a whole other genre of erotica for you, Sun."
Sun brightened a fraction. "Oh. Well… that's something, I guess."
Weiss and Ruby both stared at her like she'd just admitted to keeping a live Nevermore under her bed.
A brief, chaotic round of overlapping arguments broke out—jurisdiction, badges, hammers, the ethics of fanfiction based on real teammates—until Sage stepped forward and raised one large, calm hand.
"My Semblance is Psychometry," he said evenly. "I can see the past of objects and who has touched them. We should investigate together."
That, at least, everyone could agree on.
Sage walked over to the car that had clearly caused the pile-up—the one with the crumpled front end and the driver's door still hanging open. He rested his palm against the steering wheel, closed his eyes, and went still.
A moment later his expression darkened.
"The owner," he said, "is a pedophile and a drug dealer."
Silence.
"Is... Is that admissable in court?" Jaune asked.
From somewhere behind a nearby dumpster came a panicked curse and the sound of sprinting footsteps.
Every head snapped toward the noise.
The owner was already running.
"We'll ask," Ruby said, holding up Crescent Rose.
dragon_cloud16
Well worn.
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No, that would be merciful.
Prison culture looks very much down on anyone that harms a child. To the point that those kind of people are targeted by everyone for those kinds of crimes. Pedophiles often end up beaten repeatedly and locked in isolation for their own 'protection' before being returned to the common cell yards. Where the cycle repeats again.
jgalue
Versed in the lewd.
- Joined
- Jan 2, 2015
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- 11,747
True the prisons culture is all about strength and how tought you are, and predating on children is a admitance that you are the weakess shit to exist and nevermind the fact the many of the convicts either find that repugnant on a moral and/or personal level for they own resonts, so pedophiles and rapist tend to suffer a lot in prison, specially in prisons from the third world where they are straight up killed by other prisoners very fast, a example of this is somewhat famous in my city of Maracaibo where a pedophile was raped to dead with a broom stick the same fucking night it arrived it prison, and in a deathworld like Remmant i can see them getting that treatment by other convicts or just straight up getting neck snapped very fast.
Vale PD: Domestic Disturbances 4
New
AndrewJTalon
Well worn.
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- Apr 24, 2015
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- 162,490
Ruby kicked at a loose piece of gravel on the sidewalk, looking thoroughly unimpressed with the morning so far.
"Sometimes I get the feeling we're just being used as cheap labor for the city."
Jaune didn't even pretend to argue. "Probably."
They rounded the corner of the Vale University campus, entered the local bar, and found a very nervous-looking man standing next to what appeared to be a slightly disheveled chimpanzee with an amulet. Several other people were injured.
Ruby raised a hand. "What's up, guys?"
The man gestured vaguely at the ape.
"There was a debate," the man continued, swaying a little himself. "These men had a point, I had a point, the chimp had a point… We obey the law of man and he obeys the law of the jungle."
Ruby squinted. "And the chimp… bit someone?"
"No. I bit that man."
Ruby's expression went carefully blank. "…Okay."
"The chimp just threw things."
Jaune opened his mouth, closed it, then opened it again. Nothing useful came out.
Nora's eyes lit up like a festival. "CHIMPANZEE! I CHALLENGE YOU TO BATTLE!"
"No! Nonono—!" Jaune started, already reaching for her.
"YES! I AM FIGHTING A MONKEY!"
Weiss pinched the bridge of her nose. "Technically, chimpanzees aren't monkeys, they're actua—"
"BANZAIIIIII!"
Nora charged.
Yang leaned toward Ren, voice low. "Fifty Lien on the monkey?"
Ren considered the chaos already unfolding. "…Fifty on Nora." Internally he added, Easy money.
Weiss blew a strand of hair out of her face, still grumbling. "…What's the difference?"
Yang cupped her hands around her mouth. "AYOOO!"
Nora's battle cry turned into a yelp mid-charge. "AYOOOOO—ACK! IT HAS MY HAIR!"
The chimpanzee had indeed seized a fistful of orange locks and was yanking with impressive determination.
Nora snarled, teeth bared. "I CAN BITE HARDER! RAWR! I BITE HARDERRRRR!"
The chimp answered with a rising series of shrieks—eeee-eeee-eeee-EEEE-EEEE!
Ren watched with mild interest. "Mmmmmm… monkey."
Pyrrha frowned as alcohol bottles, a half-eaten sandwich, and someone's discarded backpack all rose into the air and began orbiting the fight. "Is… why are things flying without—"
Jaune's eyes went wide. "Oh shit—telekinetic! TELEKINETIC CHIMP! TELEKINETIC CHIMP!"
The man nodded sagely, nearly falling over. "I told ya… hic… he throws things."
Weiss looked personally offended by the universe. "Why does a chimpanzee have telekinesis!? What are the reasons for such a Semblance!?"
Ruby threw her hands up. "YOU DIDN'T SPECIFY HOW!"
The man shrugged. "I dunno, man. This Semblance stuff is a lottery."
"It is not," Weiss snapped, "as they are determined by deep psychological factors. What are these for a primate!?"
Several bananas floated serenely past her head.
Jaune didn't even look surprised. "You had to ask."
Blake tilted her head. "Seriously speaking… why, actually?"
The man laughed, delighted. "Holy shit, he can move things with his mind…"
Yang finally lost patience. "IT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER!"
Weiss rounded on the man. "Are you high?!"
"Yes! …I mean… no?"
Yang pointed at Weiss. "DO YOU WANNA GO GET HIS FILE OR SOMETHING?! READ HIS BACKSTORY RIGHT NOW?!"
Meanwhile Nora had somehow gotten the chimpanzee into a very solid foot choke. "Kagato-Jime!" she declared proudly. The chimp made a series of increasingly high-pitched ooo-EEE ooo-EEE ooo-EEE! sounds.
Nora beamed. "Hah! And Renny told me that calling out my attacks wouldn't work!"
Ren's voice was mild. "I said it was unlikely to work. I didn't say it wouldn't work."
Jaune dragged a hand down his face. "Right… right… Can we leave this to animal control?"
The nearest officer shook his head. "No. Not for Aura unlocking."
Ruby's eyes went distant and slightly horrified. "Wait… doesn't this mean chimps have souls?"
Jaune stared straight ahead. "…I'm not thinking about that right now."
Ruby shuddered.
"Let's… let's not think about that. Ever."
"Yeah. Yeah, ever."
Pyrrha offered a rare moment of pure pragmatism. "Aura is bullshit anyway. Sorry."
"It is absolute bullshit," Jaune agreed.
Nora, still calmly choking the chimpanzee with her shin, leaned closer to its face. "Hey Nim Chimpsky, do you have a soul?"
The chimp made an angry Ooo-eee-EEE-ooo-OOO? noise.
Jaune blinked. "That's not his name—"
The man brightened. "Totally his name!"
Nora pointed. "His name tag says so!"
Ruby squinted at the little plastic tag clipped to the chimp's collar. "…How did we miss that?"
Weiss's eyes narrowed in recognition. "Wasn't Nim Chimpsky part of a linguistics experiment?"
Blake stared at her. "Wha… what kind of books do you read?!"
"Science is fascinating to me," Weiss said primly, "and I was curious about where language comes from!"
Pyrrha looked suddenly concerned. "Wait—these people interfered with an ongoing science experiment?"
Jaune's expression went thoughtful in the worst possible way. "…We might have to awaken the control chimp's Aura, to make sure the results are still valid."
"WE ARE NOT AWAKENING ANY MORE CHIMPS!" Weiss shouted.
Ruby snapped her fingers. "I was wondering why a chimp was on a college campus!"
Blake held up both hands. "No, no—he's not. He's possessed. He has an amulet with a guy's soul in it and he's possessing the chimp."
Jaune's head whipped around. "Wait, that's real?!"
"His Semblance. Along with the telekinesis."
"Seriously?!"
"Yes! Seriously! He got killed, his soul was in the amulet, it ended up on a chimpanzee, and now he's a chimpanzee."
"Really shiny amulet!" Nora confirmed.
Yang grinned. "Wow! That's pretty complicated monkey shines."
The entire group groaned in perfect unison.
Yang looked wounded. "I WAS HANGING ONTO THAT!"
Nora's face fell as the implications sank in. "Awww, I wanted to keep him. Now it'd be weird."
The chimpanzee somehow produced a Scroll from nowhere, held it up with one free hand, and spoke in a perfectly clear, irritated human voice.
"Yes. And I'm suing you all. I'm not drunk—you're drunk!"
Jaune sagged with pure relief. "Oh thank the Breaker. I thought it was like, another chimpanzee with a soul and that—that would be weird!"
Weiss stared at him in open horror. "THAT WOULD BE WEIRD?!"
Jaune considered. "Weirder?"
Ruby nodded firmly. "Much weirder."
"Sometimes I get the feeling we're just being used as cheap labor for the city."
Jaune didn't even pretend to argue. "Probably."
They rounded the corner of the Vale University campus, entered the local bar, and found a very nervous-looking man standing next to what appeared to be a slightly disheveled chimpanzee with an amulet. Several other people were injured.
Ruby raised a hand. "What's up, guys?"
The man gestured vaguely at the ape.
"There was a debate," the man continued, swaying a little himself. "These men had a point, I had a point, the chimp had a point… We obey the law of man and he obeys the law of the jungle."
Ruby squinted. "And the chimp… bit someone?"
"No. I bit that man."
Ruby's expression went carefully blank. "…Okay."
"The chimp just threw things."
Jaune opened his mouth, closed it, then opened it again. Nothing useful came out.
Nora's eyes lit up like a festival. "CHIMPANZEE! I CHALLENGE YOU TO BATTLE!"
"No! Nonono—!" Jaune started, already reaching for her.
"YES! I AM FIGHTING A MONKEY!"
Weiss pinched the bridge of her nose. "Technically, chimpanzees aren't monkeys, they're actua—"
"BANZAIIIIII!"
Nora charged.
Yang leaned toward Ren, voice low. "Fifty Lien on the monkey?"
Ren considered the chaos already unfolding. "…Fifty on Nora." Internally he added, Easy money.
Weiss blew a strand of hair out of her face, still grumbling. "…What's the difference?"
Yang cupped her hands around her mouth. "AYOOO!"
Nora's battle cry turned into a yelp mid-charge. "AYOOOOO—ACK! IT HAS MY HAIR!"
The chimpanzee had indeed seized a fistful of orange locks and was yanking with impressive determination.
Nora snarled, teeth bared. "I CAN BITE HARDER! RAWR! I BITE HARDERRRRR!"
The chimp answered with a rising series of shrieks—eeee-eeee-eeee-EEEE-EEEE!
Ren watched with mild interest. "Mmmmmm… monkey."
Pyrrha frowned as alcohol bottles, a half-eaten sandwich, and someone's discarded backpack all rose into the air and began orbiting the fight. "Is… why are things flying without—"
Jaune's eyes went wide. "Oh shit—telekinetic! TELEKINETIC CHIMP! TELEKINETIC CHIMP!"
The man nodded sagely, nearly falling over. "I told ya… hic… he throws things."
Weiss looked personally offended by the universe. "Why does a chimpanzee have telekinesis!? What are the reasons for such a Semblance!?"
Ruby threw her hands up. "YOU DIDN'T SPECIFY HOW!"
The man shrugged. "I dunno, man. This Semblance stuff is a lottery."
"It is not," Weiss snapped, "as they are determined by deep psychological factors. What are these for a primate!?"
Several bananas floated serenely past her head.
Jaune didn't even look surprised. "You had to ask."
Blake tilted her head. "Seriously speaking… why, actually?"
The man laughed, delighted. "Holy shit, he can move things with his mind…"
Yang finally lost patience. "IT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER!"
Weiss rounded on the man. "Are you high?!"
"Yes! …I mean… no?"
Yang pointed at Weiss. "DO YOU WANNA GO GET HIS FILE OR SOMETHING?! READ HIS BACKSTORY RIGHT NOW?!"
Meanwhile Nora had somehow gotten the chimpanzee into a very solid foot choke. "Kagato-Jime!" she declared proudly. The chimp made a series of increasingly high-pitched ooo-EEE ooo-EEE ooo-EEE! sounds.
Nora beamed. "Hah! And Renny told me that calling out my attacks wouldn't work!"
Ren's voice was mild. "I said it was unlikely to work. I didn't say it wouldn't work."
Jaune dragged a hand down his face. "Right… right… Can we leave this to animal control?"
The nearest officer shook his head. "No. Not for Aura unlocking."
Ruby's eyes went distant and slightly horrified. "Wait… doesn't this mean chimps have souls?"
Jaune stared straight ahead. "…I'm not thinking about that right now."
Ruby shuddered.
"Let's… let's not think about that. Ever."
"Yeah. Yeah, ever."
Pyrrha offered a rare moment of pure pragmatism. "Aura is bullshit anyway. Sorry."
"It is absolute bullshit," Jaune agreed.
Nora, still calmly choking the chimpanzee with her shin, leaned closer to its face. "Hey Nim Chimpsky, do you have a soul?"
The chimp made an angry Ooo-eee-EEE-ooo-OOO? noise.
Jaune blinked. "That's not his name—"
The man brightened. "Totally his name!"
Nora pointed. "His name tag says so!"
Ruby squinted at the little plastic tag clipped to the chimp's collar. "…How did we miss that?"
Weiss's eyes narrowed in recognition. "Wasn't Nim Chimpsky part of a linguistics experiment?"
Blake stared at her. "Wha… what kind of books do you read?!"
"Science is fascinating to me," Weiss said primly, "and I was curious about where language comes from!"
Pyrrha looked suddenly concerned. "Wait—these people interfered with an ongoing science experiment?"
Jaune's expression went thoughtful in the worst possible way. "…We might have to awaken the control chimp's Aura, to make sure the results are still valid."
"WE ARE NOT AWAKENING ANY MORE CHIMPS!" Weiss shouted.
Ruby snapped her fingers. "I was wondering why a chimp was on a college campus!"
Blake held up both hands. "No, no—he's not. He's possessed. He has an amulet with a guy's soul in it and he's possessing the chimp."
Jaune's head whipped around. "Wait, that's real?!"
"His Semblance. Along with the telekinesis."
"Seriously?!"
"Yes! Seriously! He got killed, his soul was in the amulet, it ended up on a chimpanzee, and now he's a chimpanzee."
"Really shiny amulet!" Nora confirmed.
Yang grinned. "Wow! That's pretty complicated monkey shines."
The entire group groaned in perfect unison.
Yang looked wounded. "I WAS HANGING ONTO THAT!"
Nora's face fell as the implications sank in. "Awww, I wanted to keep him. Now it'd be weird."
The chimpanzee somehow produced a Scroll from nowhere, held it up with one free hand, and spoke in a perfectly clear, irritated human voice.
"Yes. And I'm suing you all. I'm not drunk—you're drunk!"
Jaune sagged with pure relief. "Oh thank the Breaker. I thought it was like, another chimpanzee with a soul and that—that would be weird!"
Weiss stared at him in open horror. "THAT WOULD BE WEIRD?!"
Jaune considered. "Weirder?"
Ruby nodded firmly. "Much weirder."
ExFelineServer3
No Longer Anyone’s Scratching Post
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- Dec 10, 2024
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You want something "Weird", the word Weird is not what it has come to mean. That word is "Strange", the word "Weird" actually means Fate and it was applied to things like; "You will know you're weird in time!" Or to Shakespeare's The Weird Sisters from MacBeth, the "Fate Sisters" who tell MacBeth his FATE, as they are stand-ins for the Greek Fates.
Strangeness is the life of the Beat Cop.
Wait until they encounter the Paranormal that is not Grimm or Amulet possessing Chimpanzees that are being inhabited by a human soul. They really should have sent Glenda.
Strangeness is the life of the Beat Cop.
Wait until they encounter the Paranormal that is not Grimm or Amulet possessing Chimpanzees that are being inhabited by a human soul. They really should have sent Glenda.
TheFabulousCustodes
Experienced.
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- Apr 23, 2022
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- 60,507
I thought they were Rincewind and the Librarian from Discworld for a second.
TheFabulousCustodes
Experienced.
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- Apr 23, 2022
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- 60,507
He basically solo'd the Jabberwalker with a broken sword in the Ever After, and the entirety of Team RWBY couldn't put a dent in it, right?
Training Mission 1
New
AndrewJTalon
Well worn.
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- Apr 24, 2015
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The training mission was supposed to be an easy one—just a short hop out to a quiet farming town with almost no Grimm activity on record. The air even smelled unusually sweet as they stepped off the transport.
A local man spotted them immediately and waved with both arms like they were long-lost celebrities.
"Ohhh… oh hey! You're the trainees!"
Ruby beamed. "Yes sir!"
"Yes… it's so awesome to meet you, we're super happy… We have some… some issues we need help with…"
Jaune gave his most professional smile. "We're happy to help you!"
The man gestured vaguely toward a sprawling cluster of glass buildings in the distance. "Great! Great… We have greenhouses… so many greenhouses… We have like…" He counted on his fingers, lost count, then tried again. "…more than… more than this many…"
Weiss wrinkled her nose. "Does… do you have a lot of skunks here?"
"Oh yeah," the man said dreamily. "We have everything. It's all chill."
Ren's eyes tracked slowly across the nearest greenhouse. "…I see."
A woman wandered over with a young girl in tow. "Hey! Heyyyy… you're the trainees!"
The first resident nodded sagely. "Yes! They're the trainees!"
The woman squinted at the group. "Have you seen my daughter?"
Ruby pointed at the child standing directly beside her. "Isn't… isn't that her?"
"Oh! Sweetie! You're here! Where'd you go?"
Jaune's smile grew strained. "…How much weed have you guys had?"
Silence.
"…Like… today?"
The man stared at the sky for a long moment. "I dunno… what's today?"
The little girl looked up at them with big, serious eyes. "Help me?"
Ren leaned in close to Jaune and whispered, "It might be best to burn the gardens."
Jaune whispered back, "That would make it worse."
Ren considered this, then added quietly, "Then we should at least not accept any more free samples."
Unfortunately, the rest of the team had already started sampling the local hospitality.
Pyrrha wandered up holding a half-empty bag of chocolates, eyes half-lidded and smiling far too widely. "Heeeyyyy… heyyyy Jaune! I… I love these candies! They had… chocolates…!" She giggled.
Jaune's soul left his body. "Oh no."
Ruby was already listing sideways, cheeks stuffed. "Chocolates… soooo goooood…!"
Yang's eyes narrowed. "…I'm going to fuck them up."
"We are not fucking them up!" Jaune snapped. Then he looked around. "…Where's Blake?"
Blake appeared from behind a greenhouse, pupils dilated, ears twitching. "Heeeyyyyy! They… they grow catnip…! Did you know that?"
Ren watched her bat at nothing in particular for a moment. "…She is going to be difficult."
Jaune spun toward the last functional member of the group. "NORA! Nora, do not eat or touch anything! Don't move!"
Nora gave him a thumbs-up. "I'm naturally high so I'm good!"
"GOOD!"
Ren inclined his head slightly. "She's consistently inconsistent."
"Totally!" Nora chirped.
Yang suddenly froze mid-step, staring at a tin of mints she'd been idly chewing. "Wait… wait… is there weed in the mints?"
The first resident smiled. "Yup!"
Yang's face went pale. "Ohhhh fuck…"
Jaune's voice cracked. "SERIOUSLY?!"
He whipped around. "WEISS! Please tell me you didn't eat anything!"
Weiss looked mildly offended. "No! I had some wine… Don't… don't tell me there's weed in the wine."
The female resident helpfully called over, "There's weed in the wine! …Oh… oh you said not to tell you… oh…"
Weiss's eye twitched. "SERIOUSLY?!"
Jaune stared at her in pure betrayal. "Wha—WINE?! Why would you take free wine?!"
"IT WAS FREE!"
Jaune dragged both hands down his face. "Craaaap…. We need to handle the Grimm."
Ren nodded once. "Agreed. The sooner the better."
"Hell…" Jaune turned to the increasingly useless rest of the team. "You guys just… just hang out! Just don't wander off… Pyrrha, stop touching my face."
Pyrrha was currently poking his cheek with one finger, expression soft and wondering. "It's so… shiny…"
"Y-Yes, my face is shiny…"
Nearby, Blake was batting at a fly with both hands like it had personally offended her ancestors.
Jaune made a command decision, as Pyrrha pulled on his jacket. He pulled the jacket off and handed it to her.
"…Ren, Nora and I will kill the Grimm. You watch them, okay?"
Ren inclined his head. "I can handle that… Shall I take photos?"
Nora's eyes sparkled. "Yes."
"No," Jaune said flatly.
"Yes!"
Ren's expression did not change. "I will take photos for documentation purposes only."
"Damnit Ren!" Jaune groaned.
There was no time to argue further. A low Grimm howl drifted in from the tree line. Jaune turned and ran.
Behind him, the high members of Teams RWBY and JNPR had already found a new priority.
Pyrrha hugged Jaune's abandoned jacket to her chest. "Loook… looooook! He's so… he's soooo cute…"
Yang nodded solemnly. "Y-yeah… and cuddly."
"Noooo! Cuddle with me!" Pyrrha whined. Yang yanked on the jacket. "I want him! He's better!"
"I want him!" Yang insisted. Weiss giggled and fell onto the jacket happily.
"Yay jacket!"
Ruby climbed onto the nearest bench like it was a throne. "I'M CUDDLING HIM! I'M THE LEADER!"
Jaune didn't look back. "No time! No time!"
Nora, trailing after him toward the Grimm, glanced over her shoulder and raised her voice in clear warning.
"Girls! Touch Ren and I'll murder you all!"
Ren, already taking photos, spoke without turning around. "Please do not. The paperwork would be excessive."
A local man spotted them immediately and waved with both arms like they were long-lost celebrities.
"Ohhh… oh hey! You're the trainees!"
Ruby beamed. "Yes sir!"
"Yes… it's so awesome to meet you, we're super happy… We have some… some issues we need help with…"
Jaune gave his most professional smile. "We're happy to help you!"
The man gestured vaguely toward a sprawling cluster of glass buildings in the distance. "Great! Great… We have greenhouses… so many greenhouses… We have like…" He counted on his fingers, lost count, then tried again. "…more than… more than this many…"
Weiss wrinkled her nose. "Does… do you have a lot of skunks here?"
"Oh yeah," the man said dreamily. "We have everything. It's all chill."
Ren's eyes tracked slowly across the nearest greenhouse. "…I see."
A woman wandered over with a young girl in tow. "Hey! Heyyyy… you're the trainees!"
The first resident nodded sagely. "Yes! They're the trainees!"
The woman squinted at the group. "Have you seen my daughter?"
Ruby pointed at the child standing directly beside her. "Isn't… isn't that her?"
"Oh! Sweetie! You're here! Where'd you go?"
Jaune's smile grew strained. "…How much weed have you guys had?"
Silence.
"…Like… today?"
The man stared at the sky for a long moment. "I dunno… what's today?"
The little girl looked up at them with big, serious eyes. "Help me?"
Ren leaned in close to Jaune and whispered, "It might be best to burn the gardens."
Jaune whispered back, "That would make it worse."
Ren considered this, then added quietly, "Then we should at least not accept any more free samples."
Unfortunately, the rest of the team had already started sampling the local hospitality.
Pyrrha wandered up holding a half-empty bag of chocolates, eyes half-lidded and smiling far too widely. "Heeeyyyy… heyyyy Jaune! I… I love these candies! They had… chocolates…!" She giggled.
Jaune's soul left his body. "Oh no."
Ruby was already listing sideways, cheeks stuffed. "Chocolates… soooo goooood…!"
Yang's eyes narrowed. "…I'm going to fuck them up."
"We are not fucking them up!" Jaune snapped. Then he looked around. "…Where's Blake?"
Blake appeared from behind a greenhouse, pupils dilated, ears twitching. "Heeeyyyyy! They… they grow catnip…! Did you know that?"
Ren watched her bat at nothing in particular for a moment. "…She is going to be difficult."
Jaune spun toward the last functional member of the group. "NORA! Nora, do not eat or touch anything! Don't move!"
Nora gave him a thumbs-up. "I'm naturally high so I'm good!"
"GOOD!"
Ren inclined his head slightly. "She's consistently inconsistent."
"Totally!" Nora chirped.
Yang suddenly froze mid-step, staring at a tin of mints she'd been idly chewing. "Wait… wait… is there weed in the mints?"
The first resident smiled. "Yup!"
Yang's face went pale. "Ohhhh fuck…"
Jaune's voice cracked. "SERIOUSLY?!"
He whipped around. "WEISS! Please tell me you didn't eat anything!"
Weiss looked mildly offended. "No! I had some wine… Don't… don't tell me there's weed in the wine."
The female resident helpfully called over, "There's weed in the wine! …Oh… oh you said not to tell you… oh…"
Weiss's eye twitched. "SERIOUSLY?!"
Jaune stared at her in pure betrayal. "Wha—WINE?! Why would you take free wine?!"
"IT WAS FREE!"
Jaune dragged both hands down his face. "Craaaap…. We need to handle the Grimm."
Ren nodded once. "Agreed. The sooner the better."
"Hell…" Jaune turned to the increasingly useless rest of the team. "You guys just… just hang out! Just don't wander off… Pyrrha, stop touching my face."
Pyrrha was currently poking his cheek with one finger, expression soft and wondering. "It's so… shiny…"
"Y-Yes, my face is shiny…"
Nearby, Blake was batting at a fly with both hands like it had personally offended her ancestors.
Jaune made a command decision, as Pyrrha pulled on his jacket. He pulled the jacket off and handed it to her.
"…Ren, Nora and I will kill the Grimm. You watch them, okay?"
Ren inclined his head. "I can handle that… Shall I take photos?"
Nora's eyes sparkled. "Yes."
"No," Jaune said flatly.
"Yes!"
Ren's expression did not change. "I will take photos for documentation purposes only."
"Damnit Ren!" Jaune groaned.
There was no time to argue further. A low Grimm howl drifted in from the tree line. Jaune turned and ran.
Behind him, the high members of Teams RWBY and JNPR had already found a new priority.
Pyrrha hugged Jaune's abandoned jacket to her chest. "Loook… looooook! He's so… he's soooo cute…"
Yang nodded solemnly. "Y-yeah… and cuddly."
"Noooo! Cuddle with me!" Pyrrha whined. Yang yanked on the jacket. "I want him! He's better!"
"I want him!" Yang insisted. Weiss giggled and fell onto the jacket happily.
"Yay jacket!"
Ruby climbed onto the nearest bench like it was a throne. "I'M CUDDLING HIM! I'M THE LEADER!"
Jaune didn't look back. "No time! No time!"
Nora, trailing after him toward the Grimm, glanced over her shoulder and raised her voice in clear warning.
"Girls! Touch Ren and I'll murder you all!"
Ren, already taking photos, spoke without turning around. "Please do not. The paperwork would be excessive."
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digcat
Know what you're doing yet?
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- Jan 13, 2026
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Funny and probably happened more than people would like to admit.
ThunderBasilisk
Well Worn Bastion
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- Mar 23, 2020
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Its hilarious how many of those disturbances I actually seen. You can just tell the cops are just dead inside. And we best see the aftermath of their weed episode. Also funny it's implied Noras killed people before and Ren had to deal with the paperwork
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TheFabulousCustodes
Experienced.
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- Apr 23, 2022
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Nora - "I'm just gonna shotgun this enormous mug of socially acceptable coffee instead!"