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Snek is a Good Boy [a Worm Crackfic]

Reader mode
Kitty S. Lillian said:
Haha. slitherthrough orders, with dumbass Brocktonites.
This is in the wrong segment of the site for her to get vored.
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Well, if you're talking about just soft-core porny vore, you're right - but if you're talking about being devoured by a snake, this seems absolutely apropos. Speaking as someone who has enjoyed feeding mice and crickets to the Biology Department's collection of snakes, watching them eat isn't particularly sexy, but it sure is final. And considering the relative size of a cricket to a garter snake, I think that Riley would've been a delicious little snack for Snek.

That said, I'm glad that he didn't devour whole the murdertot. It's no fun when they die too quickly to suffer for their sins, and/or be redeemed.
 
Ack said:
Snek's just a big cuddle-bunny, really.
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CmNKE0WWEAAn5ZE

Snek is a very good boy. Hopefully the fact that he was politely waiting in line convinces the PRT that he is a good boy, but somehow I doubt it will.
 
Scopas said:
That said, I'm glad that he didn't devour whole the murdertot. It's no fun when they die too quickly to suffer for their sins, and/or be redeemed.
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Riley redemption is always wholesome, now the question is wether is a snekky kind of redemption involving one Earth Bet and large nope rope and converted mass murderer some free time and a lot of tasty bad guys.
 
Maseudo said:
Riley redemption is always wholesome, now the question is wether is a snekky kind of redemption involving one Earth Bet and large nope rope and converted mass murderer some free time and a lot of tasty bad guys.
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That's... a good question. I guess it depends on what story Ack wants to write. I'm a big fan of well-executed redemption, but... when you're talking about a character as notorious as Bonesaw, it has to be a really, really impressive redemptive arc for it to work, you know? I mean, it's basically the salvation of a kid version of Dr. Mengele. That kind of heavy writing could distract from the crack of a oversized magical snake solving Worm's problems one meal at a time. Maybe her redemption is to be isekai'ed via wiggle hole or whatever.
 
Scopas said:
That's... a good question. I guess it depends on what story Ack wants to write. I'm a big fan of well-executed redemption, but... when you're talking about a character as notorious as Bonesaw, it has to be a really, really impressive redemptive arc for it to work, you know? I mean, it's basically the salvation of a kid version of Dr. Mengele. That kind of heavy writing could distract from the crack of a oversized magical snake solving Worm's problems one meal at a time. Maybe her redemption is to be isekai'ed via wiggle hole or whatever.
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It's simple.

She will have a good home with the wizard, her personality has been rolled back to actual good girl, and she will never set foot in Earth Bet again.
 
^Yeah, that solves the Bonesaw problem forever. Doubt Piggot will trust it, but…she's a hard target to satisfy regardless.
Scopas said:
Well, if you're talking about just soft-core porny vore,
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That's not the only kind that gets sexualized.

Anyway, point was, if one's not sexualizing it, and this fic isn't/cannot, "vore" is the wrong word to use, which is probably all that needs saying here.
 
Kitty S. Lillian said:
^Yeah, that solves the Bonesaw problem forever. Doubt Piggot will trust it, but…she's a hard target to satisfy regardless.
That's not the only kind that gets sexualized.

Anyway, point was, if one's not sexualizing it, and this fic isn't/cannot, "vore" is the wrong word to use, which is probably all that needs saying here.
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Which is why I've already taken it off the description.
 
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Ack said:
Battling a sense of unreality, Missy shook her head. "Sixty, tops. Maybe three feet thick. It's … wow … actually going through the drive-through."
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Okay, first up, this is hilarious. Second, keeping in mind unreliable narrator, as people are going to tend to overestimate the size of the giant snake, though Vista, due to power stuff, is going to tend to be more accurate. Earlier you have Mouse Protector identify Snek's head as roughly the size of a subcompact car. That would tend to indicate 4-5 feet would be a better estimate than 3. That said, a foot of over-estimating (so 4 ft as opposed to 5), combined with Vista referring to the trunk while Mouse Protector was talking about the head.. I can see it.

Scopas said:
Giggling like a lunatic to myself. Snek is a good boy. Glad to see that Riley didn't get vored, and even apparently got something of a factory reset. As always, being Piggot is suffering, especially when having to deal with smartass parahumans.
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Nothing that a greater restoration couldn't fix(it does fix charm effects). It isn't a wizard spell, but Archmages have plenty of ways around that.
 
Balra said:
I have to ask is Snek from something? I want to read more of our not so little nope rope
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Sorry, he's entirely made up out of the chaos that is the inside of what I laughingly call my creative process.
firethorn said:
Okay, first up, this is hilarious. Second, keeping in mind unreliable narrator, as people are going to tend to overestimate the size of the giant snake, though Vista, due to power stuff, is going to tend to be more accurate. Earlier you have Mouse Protector identify Snek's head as roughly the size of a subcompact car. That would tend to indicate 4-5 feet would be a better estimate than 3. That said, a foot of over-estimating (so 4 ft as opposed to 5), combined with Vista referring to the trunk while Mouse Protector was talking about the head.. I can see it.



Nothing that a greater restoration couldn't fix(it does fix charm effects). It isn't a wizard spell, but Archmages have plenty of ways around that.
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WOG: Snek is about sixty feet long and three feet thick at the thickest point of his body. His head's almost the size of a subcompact car (so, just a little smaller than one).
 
Ack said:
Sorry, he's entirely made up out of the chaos that is the inside of what I laughingly call my creative process.

WOG: Snek is about sixty feet long and three feet thick at the thickest point of his body. His head's almost the size of a subcompact car (so, just a little smaller than one).
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Nooo! How will I get my daily dose of scaley good boy?!
 
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Ack said:
WOG: Snek is about sixty feet long and three feet thick at the thickest point of his body. His head's almost the size of a subcompact car (so, just a little smaller than one).
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Okay, three feet thick means "diameter" in my mind. Please note that I am perfectly fine with the concept of unreliable narrators - characters in the story can give incorrect information, especially during dialog, for all the numerous reasons somebody might give it in real life; they're bad at estimating, they may be exaggerating, outright lying, etc...

Given that even a subcompact car is a bit over 5 foot wide and 10 foot long(I pulled up the dimensions of several subcompacts, 67" wide is normal, as is 60" high, 165" long), "almost" the size of a subcompact car would still mean that Snek has a proportionally large head for his body. Like I said before, roughly 4 feet would be "slightly smaller". 3 feet would be significantly smaller, closer to "half" than "almost".

Indeed, this discussion caused me to pull up pictures of pythons and anacondas(descriptions used in the fanfic). One thing that struck me is that the head is nearly always actually smaller than the body at its thickest. If Snek has a ~4 foot head, I'd believe 3 feet immediately behind the head*, but he should actually be closer to 5 feet at his thickest then. And that would still be within realistic ratios.

Way too much research gives me a ratio of length to diameter of ~10-40:1, highly variable based on species and everything else(pythons tend to be thicker due to the extra muscle needed). So 60' long and 3' in diameter is 20:1, making Snek a thick Snake. Given his ability to crush things, not a surprise. A 4' head would have him having a freaky huge head. Not an objection, just a notation.

*And note: 3 feet is still big enough to easily swallow an adult human.
 
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firethorn said:
Okay, three feet thick means "diameter" in my mind. Please note that I am perfectly fine with the concept of unreliable narrators - characters in the story can give incorrect information, especially during dialog, for all the numerous reasons somebody might give it in real life; they're bad at estimating, they may be exaggerating, outright lying, etc...

Given that even a subcompact car is a bit over 5 foot wide and 10 foot long(I pulled up the dimensions of several subcompacts, 67" wide is normal, as is 60" high, 165" long), "almost" the size of a subcompact car would still mean that Snek has a proportionally large head for his body. Like I said before, roughly 4 feet would be "slightly smaller". 3 feet would be significantly smaller, closer to "half" than "almost".

Indeed, this discussion caused me to pull up pictures of pythons and anacondas(descriptions used in the fanfic). One thing that struck me is that the head is nearly always actually smaller than the body at its thickest. If Snek has a ~4 foot head, I'd believe 3 feet immediately behind the head*, but he should actually be closer to 5 feet at his thickest then. And that would still be within realistic ratios.

Way too much research gives me a ratio of length to diameter of ~10-40:1, highly variable based on species and everything else(pythons tend to be thicker due to the extra muscle needed). So 60' long and 3' in diameter is 20:1, making Snek a thick Snake. Given his ability to crush things, not a surprise. A 4' head would have him having a freaky huge head. Not an objection, just a notation.

*And note: 3 feet is still big enough to easily swallow an adult human.
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His head's a little less than 3 feet across at its widest, and about 5 feet long. Not really as big (or near to) as a subcompact, but huge for a snake head, which made it seem bigger than it was to Mouse Protector (that's my story and I'm sticking to it). He needs to crunch adult humans down a little before unhinging his jaw and nomming them down the hatch.

The main reason I'm holding him down to 3' diameter is that he needs to be able to meaningfully coil around a person to break their bones, and if he's too big he just can't manage that.
 
Part Four: Snek and the Nice Hat Lady
Snek Is a Good Boy

Part Four: Snek and the Nice Hat Lady

[A/N: This chapter both suggested and beta-read by Lady Columbine of Mystal.]



Step twenty-nine. Enter alleyway, open trash can and deposit loaded firearm within.

Step thirty. Wait seventeen seconds for passers-by to go out of sight.

Step thirty-one—

An extremely large snake's head suddenly loomed over Contessa's shoulder, peering down at her with interest. "Hello," it said with a distinctly hissing accent. "What iss lady with nicce hat doing?"

"Ghah!" yelped Contessa, jumping backward and tripping over the trash can in her fright. The can fell over, the lid coming off, and the contents spilled out over the ground. The pistol she'd just put in there fell out, then was covered with rotting trash almost immediately.

Looking around as she scrambled to her feet, she saw that the enormous snake head was attached to an equally enormous snake, and that the body extended maybe twenty yards down the blind alley, all the way to the wall at the end. Which begged the question: where did it come from, so quietly?

"Ssnek iss ssorry, nicce hat lady," the snake said, curling its head around to address her. "Ssnek did not mean to frighten."

"What … where did you come from?" demanded Contessa. Her power had utterly failed to register the giant creature, or its potential effect on her plans. "What are you?" Reflexively, she started a Path designed to get her away from this … thing.

Step one: %&*$@ divide by zero error. A dull throb began to pulse between her eyebrows.

"Ssnek came from Masster'ss casstle," the gargantuan reptile answered politely. "Ssnek iss Ssnek."

What was going on? Why was her power glitching now, for the first time ever? She was used to it drawing a blank with Eidolon and the Endbringers, but she never got a headache from that!

And then, the enormous nose was nudging some of the trash aside, then what looked like a multi-branched tongue came out and plucked up the pistol she'd so carefully hidden in the trash can. "Nicce hat lady losst thiss," the snake said. "Iss bang-ouch weapon. Ssnek not like. Musst take care with theesse."

She could see the number of steps required for her other Path multiplying as she tried to cut out all requirements for this alley to be involved. The man called Franco had to get his hands on a gun at just the right time, in order to shoot his boss, so Contessa could show up and make him an offer he couldn't refuse. For a moment, she considered asking for it back, but that would involve putting her hand near that mouth, which could easily engulf her whole, and she couldn't Path what would happen.

"Keep it," she said hastily. Path to getting a new pistol. Step one. "Doorway to Chicago."

The portal opened in front of her and she stepped through, checking to make sure the thing wasn't about to slither through after her. It didn't, and she heaved a sigh of relief. Whatever the hell that had been, she'd left it behind, and could get on with her day.

The new Path involved going to a specific hotel room, where the weapons dealer had set up a miniature showroom. Walk in, pick out the gun she wanted, put down some money, walk out. Simplicity itself.

As she rode up in the elevator, she mulled over other reports of gargantuan snakes she'd heard of recently. Supposedly, one had actually eaten the villain Lung, up in New England, and another had killed Jack Slash in Des Moines. Also in New England, a bunch of footage had gone viral around a sixty-foot anaconda that had gone through a fast-food drive-through, paid for its food, then disappeared to parts unknown.

That last one had reactions divided more or less evenly between "gotta be a fake", "nope NOPE NOPE" and "aww he looks cute".

Contessa was firmly in the second camp, for reasons of her own. Snakes on their own she could take or leave, but when they got big enough to threaten small cars and she couldn't Path them, that was when she no longer wanted them anywhere near her. At all. Ever.

When I go back to Dallas, I'm going to have to keep an eye out for it. Just in case.

The elevator opened on the floor she wanted, and she stepped out. A quick flick of her eyes in both directions let her know there was nobody waiting to ambush her, so she started down the corridor toward the room in question. Two minutes, in and out, done and dusted.

"What iss nicce hat lady doing now?"

"Jesus motherfuck!" she half-screamed, leaping sideways hard enough to ram her shoulder with bruising force into the wall. Again, she arrested her reach for the pistol in her shoulder holster, because every instinct told her it wouldn't help.

Sure enough, right behind her, the too-large head with its bright inquisitive eyes and flickering tongue filled a good chunk of the corridor. Beyond it, she could see the rest of the body, which was in the process of slithering out of the elevator she'd just been in.

Her brain insisted this was absolutely and patently impossible. The creature was not particularly skinny—she estimated it to be about three feet thick, on average, and there was no way sixty feet of it would've even fitted into that small metal box, especially with her in there as well. And yet, more of it flowed out of the elevator as she watched.

"Thosse are not nicce wordss, nicce hat lady," the snake said reprovingly. "Masster ssayss to alwayss usse polite wordss. People sshould be nicce to each other."

"Sorry, sorry," she said, slumping against the wall and trying to get her heart rate under control again. I'm being lectured on my language by a giant prehistoric reptile. "You startled me. Where did you come from?"

"Ssnek already told nicce hat lady. Masster'ss casstle." The massive head tilted to one side curiously. "Iss nicce hat lady feeling unwell? Masster can fix. Masster can fix anything."

She must have been more severely rattled from the first encounter than she realized. This thing had a master. The implication was that this 'Master' was human, probably male. And while the snake itself seemed to make her power tie itself in knots for fun, the same was unlikely to apply to the cape behind this … projection? Projection, it had to be.

"I would like to meet your Master," she ventured. "Would that be possible?"

"Ssnek can take nicce hat lady to meet Masster," the snake responded happily. "Ssnek likess having new friendss. Nicce hat lady needss to get on Ssnek'ss back."

Carefully, she did as she was told. The scales were smooth but allowed her to grip with her knees. "Okay, what happens now?" she asked. There wasn't much corridor left in front of them.

"Now Ssnek will open wriggle-hole." And just like that, a portal, entirely unlike the ones Doormaker used, popped open in front of them. "Nicce hat lady hold tight."

With a surge of motion, they went through the portal and into a large stone building. The room they emerged into was huge, with the smoothed-down trunk of a tree extending at least eighty feet from floor to ceiling. The wooden column had rounded extensions protruding from it in all directions, almost but not quite like a rotating martial-arts dummy. In one corner of the room was an equally large round cushioned area with raised edges, easily twenty feet across and six feet thick.

"Thiss iss Ssnek'ss room," the snake said proudly. "Ssnek'ss winding-posst and bed. Iss very nicce to ssleep on. Masster made them for Ssnek."

"So I see," Contessa observed. She was beginning to get a better read on the snake now. It was sapient, but only to the level of a child. She'd also noticed that it rarely used pronouns, if at all; whether this was a personal quirk or a conceptual inability, she wasn't sure.

"Ssnek take nicce hat lady to ssee Masster now." Moving with a level of speed and agility she wasn't sure was natural in snakes—well, duh, this thing's about as natural as Armsmaster's halberd—it wriggled across the floor and down a stone corridor. When it reached the far end, it bumped on a large solid-looking door three times with its nose. And in fact, it counted under its breath as it did so.

"Come in, Snek," replied a mature-sounding masculine voice from behind the door. "And bring your guest as well."

Wait, how'd he know I was here? Dealing with other Thinkers could be a pain.

Opening its mouth, the snake put out that oddly branching tongue, which wrapped around the door handle and turned it, then pulled the door open. Still with Contessa on its back, it wriggled inside and stopped. She climbed off, looking around with interest.

This room was almost as large as the snake's living area, but it was set up like a mad Tinker's laboratory. Bubbling retorts lined shelves along the wall, various odd contraptions hung from wires or appeared to be in random stages of construction, and an elongated stuffed crocodile was suspended up near the ceiling. That is, it was a crocodile if such creatures had iridescent purple and green scales, and large bat-like wings. Riggght.

"Hello, Snek. Have you been a good boy?" The speaker had a long greying beard, wore robes and a pointy hat, and carried a gnarled wooden staff. While minor details differed, he could've easily passed for Myrddin if someone was just going by a general description. Contessa had no doubt this was the 'Master' the snake had been referring to.

"Yess, Masster," the snake replied. "Ssnek met nicce hat lady. Sshe dropped bang-ouch weapon sso Ssnek took. Sshe ssaid sshe wass not feeling well, sso Ssnek brought her here. Master fix?"

"Yes, I can deal with this problem. Go play, Snek." The Master let the staff go, leaving it to stand by itself while he stroked his beard gently and eyed Contessa in a way that left her wondering how deeply he could see into her soul.

Behind her, the snake wriggled out the door and closed it again … somehow.

"Greetings to you, Fortuna of an Earth long ago and far away." Well, that answered that. Definitely Thinker powers.

She took a breath, wondering if she'd miscalculated, but the pistol in her shoulder holster and the ability to call for a doorway were still moves she had in reserve, as well as the obvious. Path to getting this Master on side.

Step one: %&*$@ divide by infinity error. She gasped and staggered sideways a step as the headache returned with a vengeance.

"Tch, tch, tch," he mused, watching dispassionately as she regained her balance. "If I were you, I wouldn't try that again. A couple more backlashes like that, and you're likely to suffer an aneurysm. So, Contessa of Earth Bet, you encountered my Snek and took advantage of his innocent curiosity to attempt to gain leverage over him and me both. How very … cynical of you."

She eyed him cautiously, but he didn't seem to be about to launch an attack. "If you know who I am and where I'm from, then you're aware what's at stake," she rasped. "Billions or even trillions of lives."

"Oh, I am definitely aware." He took hold of his staff and made a pass with it. A holographic globe popped into existence in the air before them, and then another, and another and another. "Yours is not the only world in peril. Mine is not the only one I protect." Another twitch of the staff brought into being a creature that was all glowing eyes and shadowy tentacles, at least the size of the Moon, stretching its appendages out to wrap around one of the planets and drag it into eternal darkness. "Threats abound throughout the multiverse, some of which would overwhelm your little problems in an instant, or make them much, much worse." From the surface of the planet burst lightning, striking the shadow-creature and rending it asunder. "Are you beginning to understand?"

For the first time, she was. Either this guy was a consummate liar and showman, or he was the real deal. With the level of power he was exhibiting—somehow, she knew the shadow-creature and the lightning strike that had destroyed it had been one hundred percent real—he took even Eidolon's capabilities and made them irrelevant. "Yes." She gestured at the planet she thought was Earth Bet. "If you can do something about Scion and the Endbringers, why don't you?"

He smiled, a harshly amused expression. "I'm allowing Snek to go back there, aren't I? He likes your little world, and he's a good boy. He'll help protect you when I'm distracted with other matters. Now, I believe it's time for you to go."

"But wait—" She held up her hand, too late. The staff reached out and tapped her in the middle of the forehead. Everything went black.

<><>​

Snek wriggles into Master's work-room. There is only Master and Riley there. "Nicce hat lady gone?"

"Yes, she had to go," Master says, then holds out nice hat. "She left this for you."

Snek wriggles closer, so that Master can put hat on head. "Thank you, Masster. Iss nicce hat."

"Awww," says Riley. "Snek, that hat makes you look so cute!"

Snek preens. Snek likes being cute.

<><>​

Fortuna blinked and looked around at the alleyway. Where was I? I must have lost my train of thought. Oh, right. Acquire pistol for Franco to kill his boss.

As she prepared to Doorway back to Chicago, she felt the top of her head. Where's my hat?

<><>​

Diane perched on top of the roof, looking out over the city. Recovered from her ordeal with the Nine, with a new costume and an improved outlook on life, she was ready to go out and show the local lowlives how a Mouse did her Protecting. Crouching, she prepared to jump to the next roof over.

"Hello, Mouss."

The familiar voice brought her around in an instant. "Snek!" she squealed in joy, hugging the enormous reptile around his neck, then pulling back so she could boop his nose with her fist. "It's good to see you again!"

"Iss good to ssee Mouss again too." Snek rubbed the side of his head against her leg like the world's biggest pupper looking for skritchies. So of course, she could only oblige. "Mouss iss looking good."

"You too, and I love your haaaa—waaiiit a minute." Diane eyed the fedora perched in the middle of Snek's broad head. "That hat looks familiar. Where did you get it from?"

Snek looked very pleased with himself. "Iss pressent from nicce hat lady."

Nice hat lady, huh? If Diane wasn't mistaken, she knew exactly where it had come from, and that person wasn't in the habit of handing her hat out as a present to anyone. "When did you meet this nice hat lady?"

"Jusst a little while ago. Wass fun to talk to."

Diane began to snicker. If it had been 'fun' for Snek, and he'd ended up with that hat, she suspected it hadn't been fun at all for the cape boogeyman.

Well, serves her right. "Hey, Snek. Want to help me go find bad men and beat them up?"

"Ssnek likess helping Mouss." He adroitly ducked his head under her leg, so she suddenly found herself astride his neck. "Mouss hold on."

She did so, and he launched himself off the rooftop. "Woo hoooo!"



End of Part Four
 
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