Hey, he cleaned up the unmentionable noodle incident!
Article: For all his lack of ideological fervour and social intelligence, Lord Eastasia, like all other Enlightened Lords and Ladies was still fiercely loyal to the cause of Illuminatism. This was because he could understand it. However, understanding does not necessitate that he subscribes to same theories of history the others did. For Lord South Pacific, Lord India and indeed the majority of the Illuminati, the world could be understood as matter and movement of forces and objects of human history. For him however, everything, from the Big Bang to his current situation, could be understood in terms of tendies.
Thus was the Tendies Dialectic:
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In the beginning, the time before tendies, there was a singularity, from which all current tendies and lifeforms are derived. Due to the laws of physics, which allows tendies to have their properties of 'crispiness' and 'savouriness', this singularity broke down, causing the Big Bang. From the Big Bang, came the matter for stars in the form of clouds of cosmic dust. It is from this dust that tendies will eventually emerge.
A sufficient amount of time passes and the first star is formed. This process is repeated like the ticking of an oven timer heralding the coming of tendies. Soon enough, cosmic dust coalesces, forming a planet. Minerals and metals in this planet will be the source of the tendies' matter.
After the planet cools down, monocellular life emerges. This evolves into invertebrate life, which are not quite suitable for tendies, although lobster nuggets certainly have a special sub-tendies appeal to them. By the process of evolution, natural selection discriminating between the fit and the unfit, the first vertebrate was formed, Pikaia. It's descendants will eventually be the source of tendies, although, it will take a short amount of time for Gallus gallus to evolve.
The process of evolution weaves species into existence over the course of time. From the first vertebrate, reptiles emerge. From these reptiles, came dinosaurs and one branch diverged into mammals. Carnivorous dinosaurs sometimes found that small mammals were tasty. In this era, the tendies ate the tendies-eaters.
65 million years ago, some great cataclysm occurs, driving these proto-tendies into a huge extinction. Only the proto-avians survive, natural selection at its finest. The era of Mammalia has begun.
Eventually, Gallus gallus and Homo sapiens sapiens come into being. Finding these proto-tendies to be a reliable source of food, Gallus gallus is eventually domesticated. Human influence causes its evolution into Gallus gallus domesticus.
Natural history becomes less relevant here as human history begins. Within a few millennia, tendies will come into being.
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Some time concurrent to this, the Eternal Enemy arrives on Earth. As much of a tendies-saboteur it is, Lord Eastasia has to acknowledge that it played some role in creating the circumstances for tendies' existence. However, it is in the the vein of tendies rotting away on a hot day, necessitating that new tendies be acquired. There is no praise for the Incubators here.
The first agricultural civilization emerges in the Middle East, a sad, sad place with very few tendies. Uruk is founded. Time passes. The king Gilgamesh starts his reign, becoming an oppressive tyrant of a being. Somewhere in Uruk, it is speculated that one of the first Puella Magi prays for someone to fight Gilgamesh. Her wish is granted when Enkidu comes into being. Enkidu betrays the people of Uruk, not subduing Gilgamesh. The human desire to not be oppressed, central to homo sapiens sapiens' existence, collectively activates once again and the essence of the Illuminati is formed. Such is the alleged origins of the Illuminati. Anyone would be angry if a leader took away their food and delayed the development of tendies.
History moves on.
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Two civilisations emerge on either side of the Eurasian supercontinent. One is Rome, centered around the Mediterranean, the other China, centered around the river basins of Eastern Asia. Both of these will be critical to the development of chicken tendies.
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In 15 B.C., the Celtic tribal federation, Noricum is incorporated in the Roman Empire proper. A major city, Vindobona, modern Vienna, is part of Noricum. Only with Vindobona, will Vienna develop and come into being.
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The Dark Ages arrive. It is called the Dark Ages because there are no notable recipes for chicken tendies. On the other side of Eurasia, continued prosperity in China allows chicken dishes to develop, hence it is an admittedly Eurocentric term.
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Gradually, after centuries of stagnation, Europe has recovered. It is now early modernity, the 1500s. In 1537 Poland, a small war occurs, almost extirpating the local chickens, hence the term "Chicken War". It is a critical time in the development of chicken tendies.
Time passes, the concept of chicken tendies floating in the subconsciousness of humanity. Wars start, started partly by hunger and want. The French Revolution is engineered by the Illuminati, which bands together women wanting bread. Bread is an important component in providing crumbs with which to cook tendies with. In this way, the Illuminati found a way to affect the pool of females that the Incubators can contract from.
In comes the 19th Century. The Viennese Schnitzel is now a part of German-Austrian culinary canon. The Illuminati triggers a somewhat unsuccessful series of revolutions in 1848. This causes German immigrants to flood over to the United States as dissidents look for a way to escape the Hohenzollerns, Hapsburgs and other mini-Gilgameshes of the era.
Schnitzel arrives in America.
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Over time, schnitzel evolves into chicken fingers. Someone comes up with the idea to get the meat from chicken pectorals. On the Western Coast of the United States, Chinese immigrants come into contact with these chicken fingers, creating a new item of Chinese American cuisine. By word of mouth, these chicken fingers somehow make it back to China.
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Time passes once again and by the 1990s, "Chicken tenders" have become a thing. A generation of socially withdrawn children is raised on them, some of them having the tenders used as a reward for good behaviour. The term "tenders" is corrupted into "tendies".
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History is but a byproduct of the never-ending conflict of pro-tendies and anti-tendies forces, though they may not know it. The losers on the side of the American, French and Russian revolutions, have always opposed the development of chicken tendies through their reactionary movements. On the side of human development was the Illuminati, ever driving humanity to new lows and heights in a cycle of historical oscillation. In the end, in his interpretation, the Illuminati was responsible for the creation of the chicken tendies, which is why he owed his loyalty to it. By removing females from the labour force through contracts, the Incubators reduced the amount of available factory workers, slowing the further development ascension of the chicken tendies. In this regard, the Incubators were the 'supreme evil' of his worldview.
He was on the side of righteousness and justice. By strengthening humanity and by crushing parasites here and there, Lord Eastasia believed himself to be a hero.
Perhaps in the same way being processed into chicken tendies is a collective punishment for the dinosaurs' descendants for their ancestors' predation on humanity's ancestors, one day the Incubators will be punished by being processed, breaded and fried.
Votes locked, commencing write-up.
Still going to be a bit too 'Madoka visits, stuff disappears' if we aren't careful.
Lying to him was the easy alternative.
Last few rolls were: