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Cu-nosuba: God’s Blessing on This Lancer’s Holy Grail War!

Reader mode
Rirane said:
Don't know if you have strong feelings about it one way or the other author but...
While it's a bit hotly debated, Gilgamesh in canon likely doesn't have Excalibur in his Gate of Babylon.

It's all the treasures he had in life + all prototype NPs connected to humanity. Arguably, a lot of NP's are connected enough in lore to make a bunch of NPs of the fate characters prototypes of others, so having say Gae Bolg isn't weird. He has been shown to have a couple of divine NP's but they are very rare in his collection).

Excalibur isn't a prototype for any NP because of its scale/purpose (Literally a fight threat to planet-scale weapon), it was forged by 'super' fairies in the reverse side of the world so it isn't really that connected to humanity other than Artoria having it on loan (She never 'owned' it, hence why she has to give it back when she 'dies'.). Gil's had LOTS of opportunities to stunt on Arthur/Artoria by pulling her stuff out at her, and never did.

Incidentally, while I don't think there was any specific mention of him not having it in actual canon, him not having Avalon(the sheathe) WAS mentioned, it's extremely unlikely he has her spear either, it's... possibly even more inhuman/stronger(if in a different way) than Excalibur is.

He definitely is missing a lot of divine constructs; he has Harp and Gram though.
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Well there are other swords that are considered siblings of Excalibur(Galatine and Arondight) so it could also have a sword that was used as a "Prototype", though thats assuming, I remember hearing that he had something like that but don't remember if it was Fanon or canon
 
Rirane said:
Don't know if you have strong feelings about it one way or the other author but...
While it's a bit hotly debated, Gilgamesh in canon likely doesn't have Excalibur in his Gate of Babylon.

It's all the treasures he had in life + all prototype NPs connected to humanity. Arguably, a lot of NP's are connected enough in lore to make a bunch of NPs of the fate characters prototypes of others, so having say Gae Bolg isn't weird. He has been shown to have a couple of divine NP's but they are very rare in his collection).

Excalibur isn't a prototype for any NP because of its scale/purpose (Literally a fight threat to planet-scale weapon), it was forged by 'super' fairies in the reverse side of the world so it isn't really that connected to humanity other than Artoria having it on loan (She never 'owned' it, hence why she has to give it back when she 'dies'.). Gil's had LOTS of opportunities to stunt on Arthur/Artoria by pulling her stuff out at her, and never did.

Incidentally, while I don't think there was any specific mention of him not having it in actual canon, him not having Avalon(the sheathe) WAS mentioned, it's extremely unlikely he has her spear either, it's... possibly even more inhuman/stronger(if in a different way) than Excalibur is.

He definitely is missing a lot of divine constructs; he has Harp and Gram though.
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I actually didn't consider that, but the fairy angle does make sense why he never used it against her. Though I somewhat recall a mention that even Gil doesn't know the full contents of his inventory.

Still, thank you for taking the time to write this out! I'll have to be sure to remember that if I ever write another Fate fic.
 
goget said:
Shirou going full magus killer is fucking hilarious. But I guess he can't be blamed; he was told that Saber was the one who destroyed his life and killed his family 10 years ago (because yes, he does remember them; we even almost see a small flashback in the VN before he forces himself to stop thinking about it) before he ever managed to fall in love and form a bond with her.

Is he planning on dropping out of school? After Rin still goes there, and I doubt he would actually care about school anymore now that he has fully become a "Hero of Justice" like his dad. He's more likely to just disappear off the grid and run to the Middle East for the rest of his life, though he'll probably only use firearms instead of swords since his magecraft is still crap because he never got the soul resonance with EMIYA.



What servant? Gilgamesh? I don't think he would become Shirou's servant when Kirei is already here with better magic circuits, more experience, and over a dozen command seals.

Unless Gilgamesh doesn't trust Kirei and would prefer the weaker Shirou, but that wouldn't be in character; as far as Gilgamesh is aware, Kirei is loyal to him and his plan of unleashing Angra Mainyu.

Though I guess it would be super funny to have Archer go crazy because, for the first time in all his eternal life, he finally fights against an evil Shirou teamed up with Gilgamesh. Truly you never stop experiencing surprises in your life, but I guess that's the beauty of living.
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I think the school would still be shut down after Rider's attack causing everyone to collapse for an investigation just like canon.

As for the other parts regarding Shirou and Gil, I got something somewhat written on that for the start of the next chapter.
 
Cu-nosuba Chapter 14: Living Arrangements, Hell’s Kitchen, and Missed Opportunities. New
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    • "Absolutely not! I entertained this idea already and after that horrid excuse of a master, and this humiliation I suffered from this Kazuma Satou, I will not-"

    "You know Kazuma?" Shirou asks.

    "Did I give you permission to- wait…you know this Kazuma?"

    "Until a few minutes ago we were on the same side, but after this much time with him, I have little reason to-"

    "Tolerate him?" Gilgamesh says the same time as Shirou, surprising the young man.

    Gilgamesh smiles.

    "Well, you are full of surprises Kirei. I will accept this plan for now. Though I do admit after Shinji, the bar is low for my next 'master'."

    "Wait, you know Shinji?"

    "I knew him. I killed him."

    "You bastard!" Shirou says, making Kirei look with widened eyes.

    "Watch your tone mongrel. I will-"

    "I was going to kill him!" Shirou says, stunning both Kirei and Gilgamesh.

    Both remain quiet a moment longer.

    Gilgamesh suspects what he is feeling but is not certain, until Shirou asks his next question.

    "Did you at least make it painful?"

    "He died in tears." Gilgamesh says, now certain what he is feeling as a slight smile creeps up on Shirou's face.

    Respect.

    Respect for a creature of this period.

    Not even he suspected he would come to such a result.

    Even Kirei's smug, lightless smile is tolerable.



    ===

    "…Why are you all here?" Rin asks with thinly veiled annoyance.

    "You should be grateful I am allowing you this opportunity." Illya says with a tea cup in hand.

    "Opportunity?"

    "You come to my home, destroy it, leave me destitute, and lead to the death of my servant. Be glad I am offering you this chance of redemption. I'll even offer aid against that insufferable blonde man." Illya says.

    "I didn't even cause most of those things!"

    "Part of growing up is dealing with things outside your control…but I can understand if you don't want to~."

    "I believe this is what Sella calls, 'being a brat', Lady Illya." Leysritt says in monotone.

    "No it isn't."

    "Yes it is, and you still have to write that report!" Sella says from the kitchen, making Illya deflate.

    Rin looks over to Caster.

    "…I would think after seeing Gilgamesh kill Heracles, you would welcome an alliance." Medea says, and Rin stays quiet before looking over at Kazuma, who is in the kitchen with Sella, Rider, and Archer.

    "What's with that stare, Red junior?"

    "Pardon me for not feeling enthused about you being in my home."

    "Is that any way to talk to me after I saved your ass?" And I can't exactly go back to the residence of the guy that tried to Elizabeth us, now can I?" Kazuma says, getting a weak groan of rage from a couch ridden Saber.

    "Don't worry Elizabeth, we'll get that horrible man back." Medea says, drawing another groan.

    "I don't think he'll go back home after making enemies of this many servants." Archer says while smoothly cooking some egg rolls.

    "Where else can he go?" Sella asks while adding some spices to a soup.

    "The church?" Kazuma asks while cooking rice as a dish falls to the ground.

    Rider dropped it.

    She is blushing while picking it up.

    "Don't worry about it, happens to all of us…though you don't really need to be back here. I think us three can handle dinner easily enough so you can relax."

    "I…thought I could try to help…" Rider says before tossing the broken plate to the garbage and sitting with a slight blush.

    'So cute…' Kazuma thinks with a grin, drawing blank stares from Archer and Sella.

    "I don't think he would ever go to the church."

    "Did you think he would ever toss a bag of flash bangs and make Saber commit Harakiri?"

    "…If he did go to the church then we have nothing to worry about with regards to him. Kirei most likely killed him by now."

    "Why's that?"

    "Servants need mana to stay in this world. One of those ways is by eating the souls of people, and Gilgamesh remained in this world for over 10 years after the end of the prior Grail war…this was around the time he started taking in orphans from a disaster at the end of said war."

    "Oh God…this church is worse than Arcanletia…" Kazuma says with vacant eyes.

    After that they set the table and see Saber still cannot rouse herself, even there is mention of meat, and lots of it, causing a groan at her own bodily impotence.

    "She's not at risk of dying…so what is wrong with her?" Kazuma asks.

    "I am not sure. I think the excess damage, and the exact nature of your healing spell has her in a state of limbo. I am certain an influx of mana can resolve it but…" Caster says before looking over the room of women, a male servant, and Kazuma.

    Kazuma gets up and heads over to the couch.

    "How depraved…What a lack of decorum." Illya says.

    "Not on my couch!" Rin shouts.

    "…You are a young man, but can you at least go somewhere private?"

    Rider, Sella, and Leysritt remains silent with a flat face.

    Archer stands up and grabs Kazuma by the neck. Brow twitching, a vein on his head.

    "What the Hell are you all scowling at me for? I'm just giving her mana like I did Cu!"

    "Context Kazuma!" Cu Chulainn says as everyone but Archer looks at him.

    Except Archer who is stunned at seeing Saber open her mouth.

    "Child of Light, everyone is either a servant, and with the exception of Tohsaka, has extensive knowledge mage craft." Illya says.

    "Are you seriously insulting me in my own home you freeloader?"

    "50 pages." Sella says, getting a whimper from Illya.

    "Create water…!" Kazuma says, strained from Archer's grasp, and splashing Saber in the face as she drinks some of the water, starting to revive with wide eyes.

    Everyone else is equally wide eyed when Saber sits up, hair wet, her dress soaked, but alert, healthy, and blushing profusely.

    Archer let's Kazuma go in shock.

    "Why was everyone- wait why are you blushing?" Kazuma asks Saber who grows redder and leaves the room.

    Before returning to grab her plate and stops a moment.

    She grabs Kazuma's plate as well and leaves the room.

    "Hey!"

    "There's plenty for another few plates…this is bizarre…" Archer says before going into spirit form with a hand at his head.

    Kazuma looks at Cu.

    "One of the alternative methods for mana transfer is an exchange of fluids."

    "What do you mean fl-Wait…'That' was an option!? So when she opened her mouth I could have…" Kazuma asks, a new regret forming.

    'Great…my couch is soaked beyond all repair, and this idiot is going to be inconsolable.' Rin thinks as Medea hands a cup to Kazuma. A moment later she drinks a cup of 'create water' and gasps at the mana richness.

    "How are you able to pack so much mana in water?" Medea asks, and Cu does a groaning gasp before standing.

    "The potato patch!"

    ===

    "…Why are we here?" Gilgamesh asks, standing the Emiya residence.

    "They were staying here with me. Honestly, I'm surprised they aren't all here waiting to ambush me." Shirou says.

    "Seeking to counter their ambush with me to avoid having to hunt them down? Surprisingly shrewd, but why would they all be here?"

    "For some reason my prior Servant enthralled quite a few of them."

    '…Just like that Irish lancer in the last Grail War.' Gilgamesh thinks before spotting a patch of freshly turned dirt. His eyes widen when Shirou throws a grenade at the potato patch, blowing it up.

    "…I may no longer need to sustain myself like I did in life, but I do not appreciate wastes of food."

    "Likewise, but it was planted by Kazuma."

    "Then I shall make an exception. But I do hope you have weapons that do not cause instant death."

    "Afraid not, but I do have a counter measure to his 'steal' spell."

    "You do? What is it?" Gilgamesh asks, and Shirou explains his plan.

    After a moment of disbelief, Gilgamesh laughs uproariously.
     
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    • Cu-nosuba Chapter 15: The Gilded Adventures of Kirei and Shirou. New
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    • "You know something has been bugging me…" Kazuma says while looking at Rin.

    "And that is?"

    "How did Archer know who Rider and Gilgamesh were with no hints?"

    "Selective amnesia~." Archer says while in spirit form.

    "I will turn into a spirit and kick your ass." Cu says and Archer laughs.

    "You expect me to believe you can turn into spirit form when you need water after using your noble phantasm?"

    Cu glowers.

    "But that aside, there are two things on my mind."

    "And those are?"

    "What if Shirou isn't dead?"

    "I doubt he will be an issue. The only way he'll be relevant now is if he works with Gilgamesh, and he isn't exactly the team player type." Archer says.

    "It still might be a situation to ponder…With an unwilling Saber, he did almost kill us all…if he were to somehow partner with Gilgamesh…" Rider trails off.

    "It would be difficult countering whatever machinations they concoct." Sella says.

    "True…he is almost as scummy as Kazuma." Rin says, making Kazuma glare at her, before smiling and raising his hand.

    Rin brings up her arm for Gandr to begin a cross dimensional magic stand off.

    "Will you two grow up?! We have a psychotic Heroic spirit of unbelievable power, possibly with Shirou who has an oddly excellent access of weaponry and dirty tactics! We need to prepare for the off chance that they team up, and dealing with them separately if need be!" Sella shouts.

    ===

    "So…you watch TV a lot?" Shirou asks in the basement with Gilgamesh.

    "I do. Between Kirei being a priest in the day light hours, and how vexing the locals are whenever I should be seen during the day, this box has become one way I spend my days." Gilgamesh says before sipping some wine as the shopping channel starts.

    "Already own it…already own it…Gah, I own that and I wish I didn't…When does the cooking show start?" He says before taking a sip.

    "I thought you don't need to eat food?"

    "I don't, but seeing servants cook meals reminds me of home. It is also a surprisingly enjoyable watch before the game shows an hour after them…Ah, the one with blonde man who yells at chefs to intense music!"

    'Oh God, he's a bored housewife…' Shirou thinks.

    ===

    "Put down the hand!" Rin says.

    "Put down the finger gun!" Kazuma shouts back.

    Their bickering continues a moment longer until birds of thin, sharp strings land on their head.

    They both put down their arms much to everyone's glee.

    "There's still the second thing."

    "Something else about Archer?"

    "No, when's the outing with Sakura you promised?"

    "Oh I lied about that~!" Rin says with a heart warming smile.

    Kazuma brings up his hand, his other one flipping off Rin.

    Rin brings up her hand, also flipping off Kazuma.

    "That's it, I'm going to bed. I'm taking the big room on the second floor near the windows!" Illya says.

    "That's my room!" Rin says, running after Illya who is already half way up the stairs. Sella sighs and walks after them. Medea and Medusa go into spirit form.

    "…I'm taking a walk." Cu says and leaves the manor.

    ===

    "Which game show is on, young man?" Kirei asks while organizing some papers.

    "The historical one…I stopped trying to play when two of the answers were Gilgamesh himself." Shirou says, getting a chuckle from the priest.

    "I cannot blame you…he is eerily skilled at the non historical ones too…Never would have imagined a demigod king would know that much about pottery." Kirei muses before looking at Shirou with a lightless smile.

    "I am curious though…Did your father really teach you nothing of magic?"

    "He tried to dissuade me from that so nothing…what little I do know is from reading the odd book he had."

    "May I ask for a demonstration?"

    Shirou shows him his strengthening and projection magic, getting a raised brow from the priest.

    "…That bad huh?"

    "My handling of mage craft is scant compared to mage families, but even I can tell there are issues with your circuits. May I try something?"

    Eventually Shirou nods his head, and a moment later the priest places a hand on the back of his neck surges a burst of mana through him, cleaning out and awakening the circuits, sending Shirou to lean against a wall before sitting on a pew, breathing heavily.

    "This will pass young man. I suspect you will find magic much easier in a few hours after rest."

    "Thank you…but I thought you were supposed to be a neutral party in all of this?"

    "The church is…I am not." Kirei says.

    '…Another questionable person…but helpful for now.' Shirou thinks behind a neutral face.

    'Yes…Suspect me young man. I cannot wait to fight with an Emiya again~.' Kirei thinks.

    A moment later Shirou stands and goes to the basement.

    "Pardon me Gilgamesh, but I need to go somewhere."

    "Then go. It is barely evening."

    "…It's eight at night." Shirou says, causing Gilgamesh to look at a clock.

    "Oh It is. Very well, we have an hour before the one show. Let us make haste. Where are we going?"

    "The Matou household." Shirou says, getting an amused brow raise from Gilgamesh.

    ===

    Cu studies the surroundings of the Emiya estate, confident there is no one with mana nearby and heads to the spot, bumping into Taiga at a corner.

    "Cu! Have you seen Shirou?!" Taiga asks with a furrowed brow.

    "Not for a bit, why?"

    After a moment of silence, Taiga leads him to the potato patch, dirt and shrapnel lining the top layer and around it.

    Cu falls to his knees and begins digging with his hands.

    "C-Cu! There are shovels nearby! But I don't think there is anything-" Taiga stops when she hears him start laughing with tears in his eyes, holding up a small handful of potatoes.

    ===

    "I can understand being taken in by a young woman, and I know my methods of courting are not…common in this age, but I did not expect you to partake in this." Gilgamesh says when Shirou reappears.

    "It's not like that…though I do admit to having a soft spot for Sakura." Shirou says with a frown.

    "…Why are you forlorn? I was under the impression this was a common act for adolescents of this time and bought them joy." Gilgamesh asks, making Shirou look at him.

    "…Common?"

    "It is commonly expressed on the Television, and mentioned a few times by people in the confession booth. Is it not a routine behavior of young men?"

    "No! Wait, I thought you had an understanding of this world upon materialization years ago?"

    "I do, but sexual practices of this period are not one of those areas the Grail enlightens me on…Are you telling me such depravity is not a common occurrence?"

    "No! It's a crime! And not typically done at that!"

    "So the television has lied to me…Another target for my revenge." Gilgamesh says with a balled fist.

    "Wait…what shows do you watch that mention this?"

    "I saw it in passing on oddly drawn shows and ones that have an excess of explosions and violence…speaking of violence, what time is it now?" Gilgamesh asks.

    "8:45." Shirou says and Gilgamesh's eyes widen.

    "We need to hurry. Kamen Rider is on at 9!"

    '…What?' Shirou thinks in abject shock as they return to the church.
     
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    • I love Shirou and Gil just chilling like old friends. I'm also thinking how Sakura will probably be real happy with Shirou teaming with the man that killed Shinji and the fact that he is no longer working with Rin.
     
    You_ said:
    I love Shirou and Gil just chilling like old friends. I'm also thinking how Sakura will probably be real happy with Shirou teaming with the man that killed Shinji and the fact that he is no longer working with Rin.
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    Also, with all the waifus being at a different team, Sakura no longer have any competition and can have Shirou all to herself.

    The things she do to him at night....even the King of Heroes shudder at the sight
     
    You_ said:
    I love Shirou and Gil just chilling like old friends. I'm also thinking how Sakura will probably be real happy with Shirou teaming with the man that killed Shinji and the fact that he is no longer working with Rin.
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    She will be happy to be with Shirou but she will actually be sad about Shinji's death
     
    Cu-nosuba Chapter 16: Money, Love, and Mind games New
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    • "Get out of my room!" Rin shouts as Kazuma, Sella, and Leysritt enter the room to find Illya holding onto a bed post while being pulled by her ankles by Rin.

    "It is…proper decorum…to sleep on the couch… and offer a guest the bed!" Illya says while being stretched by Rin.

    "You…are not…a guest!" Rin says with sweat forming on her brow at trying to pry Illya off her bed.

    "Aren't there other beds in this giant place?" Kazuma asks.

    "They're all dusty!"

    "What do you mean they're dusty? Are your maids on vacation?"

    "I don't have maids." Rin says, getting a chuckle from Illya.

    "Aren't you rich?"

    "…I was."

    "You're that bad with money?"

    "Kirei is…he's my legal guardian; At first, I thought he was messing up my family's finances, but then I saw what his ledger for the church looked like and knew that this was him doing his best…I'm still surprised it hasn't been foreclosed…and I am not able to clean this place while still going to school." Rin says, making Sella sigh.

    "Cleaning mode activate?" Leysritt asks.

    "Cleaning mode activate…" Sella says and they go to the closet.

    Archer sighs and joins them.

    "Not that I don't want the help with this place, but why are you so skilled at domestic matters? I thought Heroic spirits would not be this comfortable with a broom and skillet."

    "…I grew up alone for the most part so I learned these skills."

    "Peculiar…regardless, thank you." Sella says as they get to cleaning a few rooms before hearing a cry of true despair from Rin's room.

    ===

    "Rider, KICK!" Gilgamesh says in perfect timing with the opening while raising a glass of wine to the over the top scenes.

    Shirou cannot hide his shock and wonderment.

    "…Why are you enjoying this? I would think this would be near the top of the list of things you dislike about this age."

    "So did I upon seeing the costumes and iffy acting…but the greater surprise when I felt a connection with the hero."

    "You? Felt a connection with…him?" Shirou asks while gesturing to the green man spinning on the ground in obviously seen editing to make him appear faster.

    "The visuals aside, I cannot help but identify with a man at the prime of his life, powers beyond most, almost shackled to the will of another." Gilgamesh says before gasping at this episode's villain landing a strong blow on Kamen Rider.

    "When you word it like that…it makes sense. I need some fresh air." Shirou says before leaving the basement in a daze.

    Kirei notices his befuddlement.

    "Kamen Rider, or another voicemail begging Gilgamesh to return to phone sex?"

    "Kame R- Wait, phone sex?!"

    "Surprisingly, or unsurprisingly depending on your view of humanity, lots of people pay to be called 'mongrel' and he has a nice voice…it actually kept the lights on in the church more times than I like to admit." Kirei says with a side long glance.

    "What the f-"

    ===

    Archer, Leysritt, and Sella enter the room with short swords, halberd, and a bottle of air freshener in hand. They stop when they see Rin crying and slamming a fist on the ground, Illya laughing on the bed, and Kazuma smiling smugly.

    "…What happened here?" Archer asks.

    "Kazuma cheated and stole my room!"

    "I didn't cheat you lying- we played 7 rounds! How do you explain me cheating that many times at rock paper scissors?!"

    "You betted your room in rock paper scissors?" All three adults ask at the same time as Cu is passing by with a small bag in hand.

    "It was the only way to get them both to listen!"

    "Stop being such a- nyahaha! Sore sport Tohsaka. He even-"

    "Don't you dare tell them!" Rin says.

    "….He told Rin what he was going to throw out, threw it out, and still won!" Illya says with the smuggest grin, making Rin claw at her hair as Archer, Sella, and Leysritt look on with a groan of stunned pain and pity.

    "How do you possibly lose in that case?" Cu and Archer ask at the same time.

    "I thought he was bluffing when he said 'rock', thinking I would throw 'paper' to beat his 'rock'; But I knew, or thought I knew…that he would throw 'scissors' to beat my 'paper', but then I know he knew, so I would instead throw 'rock', so he would throw 'paper', so NATURALLY I threw 'scissors' while pretending to thank him for the win by telling me he was going to throw 'rock'! Then the bastard kept his word and threw rock!" Rin says before taking badly needed breath slamming a fist into the ground.

    The servants, Illya, and Kazuma take a moment to understand that, before they all look at Kazuma.

    "I just pitied her after my third win." Kazuma says, making Rin cry out and tear at her hair again.

    'This is my Master and talented heir of a magus family…' Archer thinks with a grimace and hand at his head.

    "And don't forget what you promised to make me go to best out of 5~." Kazuma says with a wide grin, making Rin glower.

    'Can't believe I have to actually go on an outing with him and Sakura now…'

    ===

    "Why are you certain they will listen to this letter?" Kirei asks in confusion.

    Gilgamesh is intently watching Kamen Rider and ignoring them.

    "It's not like they can attack the church, and if they are staying at Rin's place, we can't really attack them, and even with Gilgamesh's amazing abilities, I don't see the point in letting them use a leyline to their advantage."

    "But are you really capable of taking that woman's life?"

    "I'm not going to threaten Taiga. But they'll likely think I will after my recent behavior, and Taiga is temporarily out of town at my request so they can't ascertain that." Shirou says, and the priest starts to smile.

    "How astute. You use their ill view of you while doing nothing dastardly to manipulate your opponents into a situation entirely to your benefit. You are diabolical young man."

    "I am a protector." Shirou says, and Kirei merely continues to smile while studying Shirou a moment in his black suit.

    He extends a hand holding a pack of cigarettes.

    Shirou's eyes widen.

    "Are you offering me a smoke? I'm a minor!"

    "Apologies, I thought it would complete the look." Kirei says before pocketing the box.
     
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    • Davos said:
    "I am a protector." Shirou says, and Kirei merely continues to smile while studying Shirou a moment in his black suit.

    He extends a hand holding a pack of cigarettes.

    Shirou's eyes widen.

    "Are you offering me a smoke? I'm a minor!"

    "Apologies, I thought it would complete the look." Kirei says before pocketing the box.
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    Kotomine's gotta be SO hard right now.
     
    Cu-nosuba Chapter 17: Not a Date, No Plans, and Exposition Incoming! New
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    • Kazuma is humming at the breakfast table with a smile on his face.

    Rin is frowning and barely eating.

    Illya is trying not to laugh at her, but lets out a giggle every so often.

    Saber is eating in another room after taking her breakfast with red cheeks.

    The maids keep neutral faces as they eat.

    Kazuma finishes first and looks at Rin.

    "I'm not even done yet…Stow it."

    "I'm just helping make sure you keep your word." Kazuma says, making Rin nearly bend the fork in her fist before leaving.

    Cu comes into the manor, dirt on his clothes.

    "At go through the side exit so you don't dirty the rug!' Rin snaps before sighing.

    "Sorry…I didn't sleep well last night."

    "No worries…Are you that unused to the other beds?"

    "No, it was me realizing he was in my room last night, unattended with my closet…No amount of bleach will clean it now, I'm going to have to replace my wardrobe…" Rin says with vacant eyes.

    "I didn't do anything to your clothes." Kazuma says, drawing flat stares from everyone present.

    Even Cu looks at him.

    "I didn't! Wait…why are you dirty?"

    "I saved and replanted the potatoes!"

    "Don't grow food in other people's lawns!" Rin says while pointing a finger at Lancer.

    "You'll…get a portion?" He says, making Rin rub her temple as she goes to make a phone call.

    "Should you really be doing this when those two are running around plotting something?" Illya asks with a flat stare, making Kazuma look away.

    'I'm still thinking on that…I really don't want to think about what horrible things they are doing right now…'

    ===

    Shirou watches Gil paint an extra bush on a canvas as a bushy haired man says 'this bush will be our little secret.'.

    "There are more canvas in that closet, and I am willing to lend one if you are bored."

    "…Sure. I got a few hours before I have to go train or drop that letter." Shirou says and a few minutes later he is painting nature scenery with the King of Heroes.

    ===

    "I…Didn't expect you to invite me to an outing Tohsaka. I also didn't expect Satou to be here." Sakura says as they board a train.

    "Please, call me Kazuma."

    "O-ok…Kazuma"

    "Sorry about that…" Rin says with slumped shoulders.

    "Why are you sorry? He's been pleasant." Sakura says, making Kazuma smile.

    "…We're talking about the same guy right?" Rin asks while pointing at him, making Kazuma's brow twitch.

    "Yes. He is a nice young man." Sakura says.

    Rin is unable to form words upon hearing that string of words.

    Kazuma stays quiet and smiles before chatting with Sakura.

    When they get off the train Rin recovers.

    "Him? Nice?"

    "Yes…Shirou vouched for him, and he helped me in the kitchen….Why are you asking this if you're here?" Sakura asks with a head tilt.

    "I…uh…"

    "She's here to make sure I don't get lost or do anything bad." Kazuma says, making Sakura wide eyed.

    "I didn't realize you had that kind of relationship…" Sakura says with red cheeks, making Rin and Kazuma stare at her flatly, making her shiver from their combined glare.

    "We don't." They say at the same time, making Sakura shiver more.

    "S-sorry…"

    "No…I'm sorry…" Rin says.

    "Same here…though I don't know how you came to that conclusion…but if you want to prove you're sorry…~" Kazuma says with a smirk, making Sakura wide eyed and Rin glare at him now.

    "You better not-"

    "Have a good time today and smile a lot." Kazuma says and Sakura relaxes with a giggle.

    "You are such a terrible joker Kazuma."

    Rin is about to warn Sakura to be careful, but her smile disarms her.

    She still keeps an eye on Kazuma during their café lunch and walk through the park.

    It was a pleasant day or good food, good company, and utterly normal.

    Rin hates it is with Kazuma.

    But she maintains a pleasant enough front as they head home over the train.

    During the train ride, the rush hour crowd surges in, making things cramped.

    Rin notices two smirking middle aged men near them get closer…and closer still, making Sakura grimace and Rin frown.

    'Great, this was his idea and he isn't even here…and I can't exactly use magic in a train…oh God are we going to-'

    "Hey get your hand off my-"

    "Drain touch." A familiar voice says followed by two screams.

    "Oh my God! These two old men just collapsed! They might be having a stroke! Is there a doctor on board!?" Kazuma yells out. During that bit of bedlam, they arrive at their stop and leave.

    "Thank you for the pleasant day…I think I needed that after Shinji's disappearance…" Sakura says before leaving.

    Rin and Kazuma walk back to her place in silence until Rin stops with a short yell.

    "What is your deal?!" Rin asks.

    "The Hell are you talking about?" Kazuma says.

    "You steal my underwear, annoy the Hell out of me every chance you get, kick me out of my bedroom while making me look like a fool, and have your servant plant vegetables in my yard-"

    "I didn't do that last one, and you made yourself look like an idiot on your own!"

    "And then you take me on a nice day with my sister and save us from molesters!"

    "Isn't that a good thing?!"

    "It is, and it is causing me a great deal of mental dissonance! Please tell me you're planning something nefarious!" Rin says.

    "I'm not!"

    "Please tell me you're lying!"

    "Do you want me to plan something evil? Do you want me to steal your underwear again? Would that make you happy?!"

    "It would make sense!" Rin says before realizing something.

    'Oh God, did I just indirectly ask him to steal my panties?'

    "You got issues lady."

    "Screw you!"

    "You can have your bed back if it'll calm you down."

    "It won't!"

    "Why not?!" Kazuma asks outstretched arms.

    "I don't know! But you being nice is not helping!"

    "Screw you!"

    "Better!" Rin says and they go back to her place, equally confused about the other. Inside they see Illya and the servants around the table with a letter.

    'To the Tohsaka, Medea, and Satou group, we will be at the Einzbern castle tomorrow evening to settle this due to the lack of appropriate settings for a servant battle. If you should decide to not show, Taiga Fujimura's life will be forfeit.' The letter is from Shirou and the return address is the Fuyuki church.

    "He's bluffing. He would never harm Taiga." Archer says.

    "Like he wouldn't kill Saber or team up with Gilgamesh?" Medusa asks, making Archer groan a moment later.

    "There is something fundamentally wrong with this time line…" He says with a hand at his head.
     
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    • Cu-nosuba Chapter 18: Truth, Rebuttal, and The Wish to Forget. New
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    • "Time line?" The others ask.

    "…Since we are going to go to the final battle soon, there is little point in keeping it a secret. I do not have amnesia."

    "I knew it!" Cu says.

    "So what is your true name? And why didn't tell me earlier? It's not like I was at risk of hypnosis like Shirou or Kazuma." Rin says.

    "Because it was an easier answer than explaining myself."

    "How is amnesia easier than just an introduction?" Medea asks.

    "Because not all servants are from the past…my true name is Shirou Emiya." Archer says, stunning most everyone into silence.

    "Emiya?! You're…How in the-" Rin trails off into silence.

    "You appear to be a fairly normal teenager here…how did you become a heroic spirit?" Medea asks.

    "Made a contract with Gaia…Technically I am a Counter Guardian, not a true Heroic Spirit."

    "That doesn't explain how you got Fergus' sword!" Cu says, spear raised. He stops when he feels a hand on his shoulder. Glancing over he sees Leysritt looking at him. Cu grimaces.

    "No fighting inside. The last time this happened we had to move here." Sella says, and Cu lowers his weapon.

    "So you are a weeb obsessed with Europe?" Kazuma asks while writing on a piece of paper.

    "No you degenerate idiot. In my time line I was killed by Cu Chulainn so I sought ways to counter him during my life!"

    "…Why?"

    "Because after I made a deal with Gaia to become a Heroic Spirit, I knew I would eventually return to this Grail war, so I studied up on the present servants."

    "That explains you knowing their names…But why were you so surprised by the events the last few days?" Kazuma asks while continuing to write.

    "Because this time line is absurd! And the only one where you are here."

    "So what happens to us in your time line? Or time lines you saw?" Medea asks.

    "The details differ, but you all usually die. Either to Gilgamesh or each other."

    "What about me?" Cu asks.

    "You're usually Kirei's servant, and either die fighting Gilgamesh, ordered to kill yourself, or die suddenly to an enemy in what I thought was the worst time line before this one."

    "That's a shame…Bazett deserved better."

    "…Why were you so enraged at my near death?" Saber asks.

    "We were on much better terms in my time line…I did not find out about you being the cause of the fire until near the end of the Grail war and that you did not cause it on purpose…so seeing this version of myself is especially…" Archer trails off with a closed fist. Then he looks over and sees Kazuma putting down a pencil.

    "What are you writing?"

    "A counter offer to Shirou." Kazuma says.

    "A counter- Are you seriously bargaining with Taiga's life?!"

    "I'm taking an educated gamble." Kazuma says, causing Archer to squint at him.

    "…You got one minute before I strike you down."

    Kazuma recaps the letter to them, causing Archer and Rin to pale before glaring at him.

    "Just when I was starting to think you had a decent side!"

    "I'm killing you." Archer says, short swords in hand.

    "No you won't. Violence is prohibited indoors." Leysritt says in monotone.

    "You cannot stop me so stand aside." Archer says, making Cu grin.

    "I do not take orders from you."

    "Not the Shirou I wanted to see hurt, but beggars can't be choosers." Illya says, giving a thumbs up Leysritt. Sella sighs and nods her head.

    Archer dashes forward, blade aimed for Kazuma, only to be deflected easily by Leysritt. In the split second of shock, Leysritt pivots, striking Archer with the flat of her blade and sends him flying through the window.

    Rin's mouth hangs open, the other servants stare in shock, except Cu who starts chuckling.

    "My window!"

    "You destroyed our home. You hardly have grounds for complaining~." Illya says with a smirk as Rin turns back to look at a proud looking Leysritt.

    "She's a homunculus and even as a newer spirit he should…" Rin trails off.

    "She has strength comparable to a B rank servant." Sella says.

    "…Archer?"

    "D rank…"

    Cu goes to his knees, shaking and slamming a fist onto the ground.

    "Even with this big a difference in master's and knowing how to counter me, you're still weaker! GAHAHAHA!"

    "I'll just send this out." Kazuma says as Leysritt and Archer continue their fight in the lawn.

    "Can you water the potatoes on your way back?"

    "Sure." Kazuma says, dropping the letter off and watering the potatoes as Emiya fights for his life from a normally stone faced maid that is now smiling.

    ===

    Later that night Kirei goes to the basement, letter in hand. He sees Gilgamesh and Shirou watching Kamen Rider while eating popcorn.

    "…Where did you get popcorn?"

    "Gate of Babylon."

    "That could have helped keep costs down…You have mail young man."

    "I do?" Shirou asks before taking the letter and reading it, standing with a gasp.

    "That bastard!"

    "What did he say?" Gilgamesh asks.

    "He gave me a counter offer of a week, told me not to harm Taiga, or that he would do unspeakable things to Sakura!"

    "…I did not expect this visitor to have such mercilessness to him. He rivals some mages." Kirei says.

    "They're definetly planning something…"

    "Let them plan. They have no hope against us. If they did they would not have asked for a week." Gilgamesh says flatly.

    "And this is an opportunity to better yourself. I actually have an inclination to teach you some magic I taught Tohsaka years ago that will be of aid to you."

    "You taught Tohsaka?"

    "I became her legal guardian after her father perished in the last Grail War. Part of that included her tutelage of the arcane."

    "…Very well. I'll just send a reply back."

    "Rider….Kick!"

    "After this episode."

    'Oh God, another basement dweller…I'm not sure I can afford two of them…Wonder if he would consider phone sex work as part of his training?' Kirei thinks while leaving, outlining a lesson plan for Shirou in the morning.

    ===

    "…So, you became a heroic spirit in part because you saw yourself as a heroic spirit? Isn't that a paradox?" Kazuma asks at the breakfast table.

    "I had the dream before all this…as for seeing myself as a hero when I am not and how it affected me, I'm not entirely sure how it works either."

    "I'm pretty sure me, Medea, and the two mages can understand it." Cu says.

    "You?" Archer asks.

    "My spear reverses causality. I had a rigorous education on top of physical training." Cu says.

    "Possibly, but I still do not fully understand it." Emiya says.

    "…You made a contract without understanding the details?" Kazuma asks.

    "I was young and stupid."

    "I'm about the same age and I wouldn't do that."

    "You also bungled into a Holy Grail War during your vacation and died enough times to be on a first name basis with a Goddess of the departed!"

    "I refuse to call this a vacation!"

    "I really don't-" Archer stops when he hears Rin scream from her room.

    They run up, kick open the door and see Rin with her hand on the phone, scarlet faced and stammering.

    "What happened?!"

    "I misdialed!" Rin shouts.

    "What?"

    Rin refuses to answer.

    ===

    Kirei almost grins when he sees Shirou leave the confession booth with the phone, scowling and red faced.

    "I did not think this would be too much for you after your visit to the Matou residence." He says, hiding his grin before going to sip some tea.

    "…Tohsaka was on the other side."

    Kirei drops the tea, the cup shattering.

    "Did you just break one the tea cups Kirei?! Using my silverware to lower expenses does not work when you break them!" Gilgamesh shouts while ascending the steps.

    '…I suppose she is at the age, but this?…I'm going to have to talk to her at some point…Not sure I would have killed her father if I knew I would have to have this conversation…' Kirei thinks with more than usual lightless eyes.
     
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    • Ok, I got the laugther out of my system, anyway I just wanted to commen about this

    Davos said:
    "…So, you became a heroic spirit in part because you saw yourself as a heroic spirit? Isn't that a paradox?" Kazuma asks at the breakfast table.

    "I had the dream before all this…as for seeing myself as a hero when I am not and how it affected me, I'm not entirely sure how it works either."
    Click to expand...
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    Actually EMIYA comes from another timeline in wich there was no Archer EMIYA and instead Rin summoned someone else, though his Timeline was said to be very similar to the Fate route, but the other routes mention from before was nice
     
    Cherry Lover said:
    Lol, presumably those "unspeakable things" include fucking her brains out, lol.
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    Language! This is a family friendly fic of witchcraft, attempted, murder, and accidental phone sex.

    Also I am half certain Sakura could kill him in the bedroom

    alextheconqueror said:
    Ok, I got the laugther out of my system, anyway I just wanted to commen about this


    Actually EMIYA comes from another timeline in wich there was no Archer EMIYA and instead Rin summoned someone else, though his Timeline was said to be very similar to the Fate route, but the other routes mention from before was nice
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    I suspected I was messing something up on the Fate lore or time travel mechanics, but glad it wasn't too bad a mistake!
     
    Davos said:
    I suspected I was messing something up on the Fate lore or time travel mechanics, but glad it wasn't too bad a mistake!
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    Yeah, don't worry EMIYA's situation in Fate is just complicated so is understandable, though I think he actually some sort of haze in his mind at the start but to the seond day of his summoning he was well aware of everything and just wanted to test the waters to see if Shirou would actually change and not be like him before deciding to kill him.
    And being honest with how much time he has been a Counter Guardian he definitelly would forget something along the way, just not because of the summoning but by how weird is the CG bussiness
     
    alextheconqueror said:
    Yeah, don't worry EMIYA's situation in Fate is just complicated so is understandable, though I think he actually some sort of haze in his mind at the start but to the seond day of his summoning he was well aware of everything and just wanted to test the waters to see if Shirou would actually change and not be like him before deciding to kill him.
    And being honest with how much time he has been a Counter Guardian he definitelly would forget something along the way, just not because of the summoning but by how weird is the CG bussiness
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    Multiverse theory...I don't think I'll ever write a time travel story. I imagine he was on auto pilot before the Saber or Cu fight. I thought the CG thing was basically appear near target, and kill target before going onto appearing near another target?
     
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