A Sociopath on this World. [Class of 09 x Konosuba]

[Davos]

"So you made the world in seven days?" Nicole asks, rubbing her neck while the blue haired girl sighs in the odd room.

"I am so tired of everyone asking me that. I am definitely gonna get Pyra back for this…No, the story is a lot longer and duller than that."

"Ok…Who's Pyra?"

"The Goddess who usually oversees the passing souls in America; I normally oversee Japan, but she got herself sick…somehow…and because I'm behind on my quota, they're making me cover for her…" Aqua mutters.

"Guess the rope worked; should have tried that sooner instead of the expired drugs." Nicole says, making the blue haired girl pause.

"…Normally I would try to talk you into reincarnating, but I'm not sure you want to go to that world."

"Why not?" Nicole asks while reaching for her phone out of habit, only grabbing air.

"It's under threat by the Demon King and-"

"Oh God, I'm not dead, I'm having a trip and it's based on one of Jeffery's stupid anime…This is such bullshit!"

"No, you're actually dead." Aqua says before showing Nicole the scroll with her body hanging in her room.

"Oh, sweet!" Nicole says, making Aqua look at her.

"And I thought Japan was suicidal…" Aqua says while looking to the side.

"Screw you; you have any idea what it's like being nice all the time?"

"I'm a Goddess! You can't just say 'screw you' to me!"

"What are you gonna do, kill me? I'm already going to Hell."

"You're not going to Hell."

"Isn't suicide a-"

"Again, long story, and I am not in the mood to talk to a suicidal brat. But in your case you can either go to Heaven and sleep on clouds and listen to hymn music and talk to your loved ones when they-"

"Fuck no, that's Hell!"

"Your dad is there." Aqua says.

"Fuck him."

"…I still think it's better than going to the other world. It's comparable to medieval times on Earth but all the mystical stuff is real and will kill you."

"So my choices are either go to Heaven and wish I could die, or go to another world and get killed while dealing with all the issues from my world dialed up to eleven along with monsters before heading to Heaven…Are you the Goddess of shitty deals?" Nicole asks, making Aqua's brow twitch.

"…You wouldn't be there to live out your life but to save the world from the Demon King. Completing that will grant you one wish. You would also get to pick any one skill or object to aid you in your journey." Aqua says.

"So I would get to kill a guy with magical powers?"

"Basically."

"Are there any limits?" Nicole asks.

"Limits?"

"Like, do I have to be nice to people?"

'…You have any idea how concerning it is to hear that question?"

"Don't care." Nicole says and Aqua rubs her temple.

"Technically no…but- hm?" Aqua looks over and the scroll changes, someone else is in the room.

"Ugh, is it my mo-"

"Nicole!?"

"Jecka?!"

"Sorry, I'll turn this-" Aqua starts to say while reaching for the scroll.

"Keep it rolling." Nicole says, making Aqua look at her.

"Oh God Nicole, I'm so, so sorry…" Jecka says before crying and half saying she should have been there.

"…You said I could take anything right?" Nicole asks.

"…Yes?"

"I want her."

"What?! No! I might be behind on my quota but that is against the-" Aqua stops when a light blinds them and a blonde girl is standing in the room, tears down her face.

"What…the fuck?" Jecka says as Aqua looks on in shock. Jecka looks behind her and sees Nicole.

"Nicole?"

"Yeah, it's me." Nicole says while looking away. She nearly falls over when Jecka hugs her.

"Why the fuck didn't you talk to me instead of doing that!?"

"Because you were busy screwing the History teacher for an A!"

"I wasn't screwing him! He took me to fucking Olive Garden and called it fancy!"

"What a cheap asshole!"

"Right?!"

"…Americans…" Aqua mutters.

"Who are you?"

"I'm Aqua, Goddess of-"

"She's a sexualized Charon who's behind on quotas and giving out magical powers to dead people who want to live out a power fantasy to clean up a problem they can't handle." Nicole says making Aqua stand up, fists clenched and tears in her eyes.

"Do NOT compare me to that glorified fisherman!" Aqua says as Nicole pries Jecka off of her.

"…Am I dead?"

"No, your friend here is taking you as her one item into the next world."

"What the fuck Nicole?!"

"I know but you said you would be there for me~."

"What does it matter if I'm there but I don't get a cool power? So now we're both gonna get raped in some shit hole world?"

"It's basically like Earth in the medieval ages." Aqua says.

"So now we're both gonna get raped in some shit hole world?" Jecka asks again.

"Of course not…Aqua, in all her mercy is gonna give us both an option for magical powers because she's the best Goddess~." Nicole says with a wink, her voice a higher note.

"…Are you trying to seduce me?" Aqua asks.

"Sorry, keep forgetting that doesn't work on women." Nicole says.

"Regardless, what makes you think I'll do that?! She's not even dead!"

"I don't have an issue with that."

"Huh?"

"I mean, the choice is either get a super power in another world or continue dating my History teacher and work a dead end job as my deadbeat dad continues banging Emily."

"You're dad is banging Emily?"

"Yeah…marrying her too; She's my new step mom."

"Gross, but your dad has good taste."

"It's basically me but not related!"

"…Your dad has good taste."

"Aww…I'm still not sharing my percocet with you now."

"Bitch! And after I got you magical powers too!" Nicole says.

"Just pick a power that makes you high." Jecka says.

"Hold on, is there something wrong with Emily?" Aqua asks.

"She's my age." Jecka says and Aqua groans before muttering 'Americans…'.

"So, do I have to kill myself first? I got some percocet I can overdose on now if you want. It's fresh too!"

"Can I get one?"

"No, you're already dead."

"You…just carry that stuff around with you?"

"Yeah." Jecka and Nicole say at the same time.

"…I'm getting a headache, and I do need to meet a quota. Just pick a power so you two can buzz off already. I doubt a pair of depressed sociopath drug addicts can do anything." Aqua says as papers appear in front of them.

"I mean, she's probably right; plus I couldn't give a shit what happens over there but now she's a target…oh?"

"Quick question, what does the fine print on this one say?" Nicole asks and Aqua reads it over with a grimace.

"You…don't want this one. It only works once a day."

"What does it do though? Description is a little vague. 'Power of a God'?"

"Basically, you can channel the powers of a God for a few minutes. Pyra's fire, Eris' luck, even the martial prowess of the God of War, but it's only a fraction of what they can do, and it hurts the deity you borrow from, so you'll be on Heaven's shit list."

"So that includes you too?" Nicole asks and Aqua starts sweating.

"Well…yes but my powers aren't that great; I'm mainly good at healing and purification."

"I'm sure I'll find a use for it~." Nicole says.

"I'm sure a smart, beautiful young lady like you would do much better with another power." Aqua says with her sales pitch smile while trying to pull the paper back. Nicole smiles as she speaks in an equally sweet voice while still holding onto the paper.

"But I'm just a depressed, suicidal drug addicted brat…I'll need the help of the Gods, and who better than the Goddess of healing to mend my broken soul~?" Nicole says, making Aqua grab her by the shoulders.

"Listen, I'll talk the next loser out of a power so I can give you TWO powers, as long as they aren't that!"

"But I wouldn't want to inconvenience a Goddess~." Nicole says while taking the paper. Aqua starts tearing up as they head to the next world.

"You know pissing off a deity is probably gonna bite us in the ass, right?"

"Eh, I'm sure she's the bottom bitch in their circle. No one's gonna care if she cries…besides you did say pick a power that'll make me higher, and what's a better high than knowing I can make God cry?" Nicole says as they start walking through a medieval looking town.

 

[Davos]

"Will you hurry up already? We both know you're just gonna wind up as a shut in over there. Seen it dozens of times before, and you are just like the rest." Aqua says while eating potato chip.

"I-I'm not a shut in I died outside!" A young man in a green tracksuit says,

"Technically you died at the hospital so…still inside."

"That is not- You don't know that!"

"You're seriously telling a Goddess who deals with the dead everyday she doesn't know how you died? Anyway, just hurry up."

"…You want me to hurry up then? Well…since you got such a kick out of seeing me die, you'll enjoy it when I choose to take-"

Aqua starts screaming, spasming onto the floor, knocking over the chair and small table as her voice reaches a deafening pitch, forcing the young man to cover his ears.

"W-what's wrong?!" He says going over as Aqua continues screeching, banging her fists into the floor as a blue glow encircles her.

===

"Heal…heal…heal…" Nicole says in a monotone while pointing to Jecka who is eating dinner in their room at the inn.

"Why are you healing me? I'm not hurt."

"I know but it hurts that blue haired bitch and if I only have a few minutes a day, I'm gonna use it. Heal."

"Doesn't she have other spells?" Jecka asks.

"Yeah, but you aren't undead. Heal…heal…man I don't even know if she is feeling anything, this sucks…"

===

"My chest is on fire!" Aqua yells while rolling on the floor, clutching at her heart as Kazuma and a white haired young woman look on in shock.

"I didn't do anything I swear… I didn't even make my selection yet…Am I going to Hell Lady Eris?" Kazuma asks in monotone as Aqua continues yelling through tears.

"I know you didn't do this Mr. Satou…it's likely the work of the other person that died a bit before you. She took a skill that can cause this…" The white haired woman says with closed eyes as Aqua continues flailing and convulsing.

"I can't feel my toes! Nor my fingers! Even the entire left side of my body is starting to feel numb!" Aqua says, arching her back, head on the floor.

"Is that normal?" Kazuma asks.

"N-no, the pain shouldn't be that bad…it's equivalent to how much the caster on the other side uses it…It shouldn't be-" Eris stops when Aqua goes limp.

"L-lady Aqua!?"

"Did she have a heart attack?!"

===

"What kind of punk ass Goddess does party tricks?!" Nicole asks as a water fountain appears at her head, soaking her.

"Can you do it again? It's kinda fun to watch…plus you can use that to make money so we don't have to go on quests or get day jobs."

"Yeah, I'll do tricks for chump change, lotta money that way. Besides, what kind of performer only works 10 minutes a day? Great, now I'm wet…"

"Never thought I'd hear you say that…And you got a better idea? I doubt the inn keeper is going to accept our flirting again without having one of us do something tomorrow night, plus there is that whole registration fee at the guild." Jecka says.

"This sucks…we gotta work in this world too. Heal…huh?"

"Guess you hit the time limit."

"Great…wouldn't be surprised if that bitch lied about it hurting Gods just to pawn off a shitty skill."

"Does that mean you'll stop using it since you're not sure it hurts her?" Jecka asks.

"Fuck no, power of a God for 10 minutes? I'm sure I could use that for something…oh shit I could finally kick start Nicole-ism!"

"I don't think feminism is a thing here…"

"It will be when I'm through with them~."

===

Aqua is lying in the fetal position, crying as Eris awkwardly strokes her hair.

"There there, its fine now…You're alive and well."

"But what about tomorrow? I know that crazy drug addict is gonna keep doing this!" Aqua says before crying louder now.

"…I don't think I should be seeing this…I'm not even gonna drag her to the other world as my one item now. Too cruel after seeing this. If I'm going to the same world as that other person maybe I can-" Kazuma thinks before noticing Aqua approaching him, grabbing him by the shoulders and getting awfully close to his face, making him blush.

"W-what is-"

"I'll give you TWO powers if you kill that bitch!"

"Huh?"

"Lady Aqua! You can't just make offers like that!"

"But I don't wanna die again! And you didn't meet that brat! She's crazy, evil to the core and-"

"I understand your fear and anger, I'm just in as much risk as you, but attempting vengeance is not the answer…we should at least meet with this girl to make things clear." Eris says.

"Wait, Eris is at risk too?" Kazuma thinks.

"She knows what the power does, I explained it to her and she insisted on taking it anyway even when I offered her two powers!" Aqua says, making Eris rub her temples.

"…How are they both Goddesses?" Kazuma thinks before Eris approaches him.

"After you make your selection, would it be ok if I ask you to meet this young woman?"

"Who am I to refuse a request from a Goddess?" Kazuma says in a deep voice, making Aqua look flatly at him.

"Thank you Mr. Satou."

"Please, call me Kazuma."

"I almost would rather die than hear anymore of this…" Aqua thinks before showing Kazuma a bunch of powers and items. After a moment he picks his skill, a magic based skill.

===

"I forgot to ask, what did you pick from the water bimbo?"

"Strength."

"What do you mean strength?"

"I forget the exact name, but I'm basically Hercules now without the excessive muscle."

"…Why didn't you tell me earlier? We could have just mugged someone!"

"Because I know you would have suggested that and I don't want to be a criminal!"

"Ok, fair, but you're definitely doing the heavy lifting tomorrow."

"Like Hell, you literally have God powers. I just picked this so I wouldn't be assaulted!"

"You think I want to be assaulted?"

"Should have thought of that before wanting to torture the blue girl…but don't worry, ask nicely and I'll consider protecting you~."

"Aren't you just a knight in shining armor?" She says and they go to sleep.

===

Kazuma appears in the world, looking around him in glee at the new surroundings. He wanders the night street with a smile as he makes note of a few buildings, namely the guild and an inn he'll be staying at for a spell. He pays for a room and goes to bed, barely able to sleep, too excited to start his adventure and to find the girl Nicole.

"Huh…one of my first tasks in my new life is talking to a girl as a favor to a Goddess…This'll be awesome!"

 

[Davos]

Nicole goes down the stairs, feeling groggy and pissed.

"Maybe I should have picked something that lets me make cigarettes at will?" She thinks as Jecka yawns beside her.

"Oh! Hey there!" A young man in green waves at them.

"Oh my God, not even 24 hours…" Nicole mutters.

"Pardon me, I know this is out of the blue but-"

"I'm not interested." Nicole says.

"N-no that's not why I-"

"We're not prostitutes." Jecka says and the young man freezes a moment.

"I'll just get to the point. You're Nicole and Jecka right?"

"How do you know our names? Are you a stalker?" Nicole asks.

"Wow, a day in and we already got a stalker…does that make us universally hot or unlucky?" Jecka asks.

"What? No! I'm not a stalker!"

"Sounds like something a stalker would say." Jecka says while pulling out a cigarette.

"You have a cigarette?!"

"Yeah. Last one though."

"Bitch, give me it to me!"

"Phrasing, and no; my cigarette."

"Bitch I'm going through withdrawal like a fat ass making a new year's resolution diet."

"Smoking is bad for you…" the young man says, drawing glares from both women. He turns away.

"Did we ask for your opinion, stalker?" Nicole asks.

"N-no but I-"

"So fuck off." Jecka says and they start walking for the exit and Kazuma follows them down an empty street.

"Seriously? Do we have to call the guards?"

"I'm not a stalker, I'm from Japan! My name is Kazuma Satou and I-"

"Great, there's a Jeffery in this world too." Nicole says.

"So a stalker and a pervert?" Jecka says.

"I'm not a pervert, I'm a perfectly healthy young man! I'm here on a request from the Gods." Kazuma says and both girls look at him.

"…I'm listening." Nicole says.

"They want you to stop abusing that power. The one Goddess, Aqua, had a heart attack yesterday and-"

"She did?!" Nicole asks.

"Yes, so can you-"

"Bitching, it does work!" Nicole says with a smile, leaving Kazuma stunned.

"…He could be lying…" Jecka says before taking a drag.

"Why would I lie about that?" Kazuma asks.

"Get on our good side in the hope of adding us to your dream harem that you could never get back in Japan because you're a perverted loser with 4 too many posters of fictional girls?" Nicole says and Kazuma looks at her with wide eyes.

"I mean…I wasn't going for that. I wouldn't refuse but did you have to really say all that? And I…didn't have that many posters…"

"It's obvious from here. Probably killed yourself because you knew no woman wanted you." Nicole says and Kazuma groans before shaking his head.

"I didn't kill myself, I had a heart attack!"

"Wow, even porn is too much for you…That's sad." Jecka says between snorts of laughter.

"I didn't have a heart attack from watching porn!"

"Sounds like something a virgin dying of a heart attack watching giantess furry porn would say." Nicole says, making Kazuma's eye twitch.

"That's awfully specific. Speaking about your own fetish, bitch?"

"Wo-ah! Looks like he found some backbone when he realized he has no chance in this world too~." Jecka says.

"Why you- Just because you're a little good looking doesn't mean you can get away with talking down to me like-"

"A shame…just when I was starting to think you were pretty cute too~." Nicole says with a wink. Jecka rolls her eyes as she takes another drag.

"Huh? Y-you think I'm cute?"

"Super cute~." Nicole says taking a step closer, now in front of Kazuma who is blushing and looking away while scratching his cheek/

"O-oh…I…well, thank you…would you like to-"

"Pathetic…" Nicole says before stepping back, her smile replaced with a scowl.

"Huh?"

"A smile, some nice words in a flirty tone and you lost all sense of self respect. You're just like every other worthless rapist...well, wannabe rapist in your case."

"I'm not a-AGH!" Kazuma rubs his temples before speaking again.

"Whatever. I don't want anything to do with you…can you not use that ability so much though?"

"I picked it to have an easier time in this hell hole and now you're telling me what to do without even knowing me? Patriarchal prick."

"The Hell are you talking about?"

"I'm supposed to believe some random man when he says he' speaking for the Gods? I'm supposed to listen when a man orders me not to use my gifts?" Nicole says, hands on her hips when a tear appears between them.

"…What are you doing?" Jecka asks Kazuma.

"That's not me…" Kazuma says.

"It's me." Eris says through the tear.

"And me!" Aqua says.

"The blue bitch?" Nicole asks.

"My name is Aqua!"

"Yeah that's blue bitch." Jecka says.

"I don't care what you call me anymore, but please use that power only when needed! It really hurts when you use it too much in one sit-"

"Heal." Nicole says, making Aqua scream.

"Oh wow, it does work." Nicole says.

"Yes, which is why we are contacting you to-" Eris starts to say.

"Heal." Nicole says getting another scream and smiling fully now as Aqua yells.

"Will you stop this!?" Eris asks as Aqua rolls on the floor.

"Sure, on one condition…heal." Nicole says.

"What is-"

"Your name."

"Huh?" Eris asks.

"Tell me your name so I have someone else to abuse." Nicole says and Eris stays quiet.

"Knew it. Even Gods will choose to save their own skin…Heal~." She says, eliciting another scream.

"Eris." She says a moment later.

"Cool…what powers you got?"

"I am the Goddess of luck."

"Luck? And I thought her stupid party tricks were useless."

"My party tricks are not useless!"

"Yeah, whatever, Nature's Beauty." Nicole says while pointing her hand at Kazuma, eliciting a louder scream from Aqua as he gets doused in water. He looks at her with clenched fists.

"I have about had it with you…"

"Would it be better if the shower was golden?" Nicole asks.

"Oh my God Nicole, really?" Jecka asks.

"Withdrawal is a bitch."

"Just like you." Kazuma says.

"Never heard that before." Nicole says while rolling her eyes.

"…Aqua, is that offer still open?"

"YES!"

"K-Kazuma you cannot be-" Eris starts but stops when Kazuma takes a swing at Nicole.

Only to miss and get kicked between the legs; He falls to his knees as Jecka laughs. Nicole takes the mostly used up cigarette for a quick drag before putting it out on Kazuma's cheek. Then she throws him face first into the ground. Kazuma groans while cupping his crotch as Nicole takes his coin purse.

"Hey that's-" His complaint is garbled when Nicole steps on his face, twisting her foot over his nose.

"Mine now. Call it payment for stepping on you, since this is probably the closest you'll ever get to a woman~. See ya never." Nicole says before walking off, flipping Kazuma off with his money on her waist.

Kazuma gets up and staggers after them onto a populated street.

"H-hold on, get back here you-"

"No, leave me alone!" Nicole says, hands over her face, her fake tears getting the attention of everyone in the area; including two exceptionally big, muscled men.

"You bothering this lady, creep?"

"I-I'm not a-" Kazuma's words are cut off from the hook. He falls and covers himself as he is kicked and stomped on. Another muscled man sees this a short distance away while sipping wine. He takes another sip before standing and walking over towards Kazuma.

To start kicking Kazuma as well.

Nicole and Jecka walk away, counting the money in the coin purse.

"Huh…should be more than enough for the registration fee and a few nights at the inn without needing to suck dick." Nicole says.

"…Don't you think that was a little harsh?" Jecka asks.

"No…wait, why are you asking?"

"I mean, we don't really know what he is like, and he was asked by deities to talk to us. He can't be all bad."

"I might believe that if he wasn't glancing at our chests through half that conversation."

"Yeah but our chests are amazing."

"True but that makes it less annoying and creepy?" Nicole asks.

"No, but he could have probably been useful with whatever ability he got from Blue."

"Yeah, no…I don't want some pervert traveling with us."

"Well yeah obviously, but I meant during quests." Jecka says.

"We're both easily a 10 here. We'll have plenty of options for meat shields here." Nicole says and they go to the guild for the registration and class selection.

"Wait, we only get the weakest class?"

"I'm afraid it's due to your stats. Don't worry, most beginners start out like this." The receptionist says.

"Sure. Do you think I'd get something cool if I flash it some cleavage like you?"

"P-pardon?" The blonde woman says.

"I mean…your shirt is barely a shirt."

"…I can't help the uniform." She says and Nicole looks over at the waitresses with their short skirts…and the female adventurers in even more revealing clothing.

"This world needs me…no, it needs Nicole-ism!" Nicole thinks before they go to the quest board, taking a few papers and walking out. At the bar a man in a Mohawk watches them leave.

"…Dark times ahead, and I fear it's not just for Axel."

===

That night, Kazuma spends the night in a stable, broke, bruised, a pariah for a crime he never attempted, and in tears.

"This isn't how my adventure was supposed to start…"

 

[Davos]

Nicole looks over the quests she took yesterday and scowls.

"Kill Giant Toads? Teach a kid magic? Be a test subject for magic? These somehow suck more than I thought…How the Hell did this inspire an entire genre?"

"How big is a giant toad?" Jecka asks.

"Don't know, they didn't say, but I suspect they're big otherwise they'd just have some guy with a stick deal with it…it's probably slimy too."

"…Don't suppose they said what kind of magic they were testing?"

"No, but they said people with high magic resistance or health wanted…does that strength also give you high health?"

"I'm not being some magical sadist's guinea pig Nicole! And no, I think I just hit hard and can lift, but can't take a hit."

"So we're both easily killable then?"

"You say that like it wasn't a part of being hot already." Jecka says while lighting u a cigarette.

"I thought yesterday was your last cigarette?"

"So did I but I found another."

"Hand it over." Nicole says with an open hand.

"Smoking is bad for you~."

"Oh don't you quote that little shit at me!" Nicole says as she takes a slow deep drag, sighing with closed eyes.

"God, that's better than sex."

"You've had sex?"

"No, but smoking won't knock me up so that automatically makes it better."

"True…Speaking of him, you think I can convince him to do one of those jobs for us?" Jecka asks.

"Doubt it. Despite falling for that flirt, he strikes me as smart enough not to fall for it again."

"Yeah, if it's from you, but I'm sure I got a freebie yet."

"Even if you could convince him, do you even know where he's staying?" Nicole asks.

"…Maybe we should put up a poster asking for a party member?"

===

"…Thank you…" Kazuma says to the older man in the guild hall, trying to fight back the tears in his eyes as he accepts the money and loaf of bread.

"Do not mention it young man, it is part of the Eris faith to lend help to those that need it. I pray your circumstances will improve in the coming days." He says, crossing himself before leaving.

"Not even a week and I'm reduced to begging because of those two- No, forget about them. I already tried talking sense to them and it didn't work. Now I have enough for the registration fee and can start adventuring! I can sleep in a bed tonight! I can have dinner tonight!" Kazuma thinks while taking a bite of bread before heading to the counter. After a few minutes he gets his adventurer card and takes a quest to kill giant toads.

"Not the most exciting quest, but it's a start, and it pays! Plus I hear toad meat is surprisingly good. Maybe it tastes different here than back in my world? Though I didn't eat toad over there…or frog. Well, can't be that bad right?" Kazuma thinks before heading out, checking his ability one last time, certain there will be no issues now.

===

"Holy shit they weren't kidding about the giant part…" Jecka says.

"Yeah…well, get to it." Nicole says.

"What are you talking about?"

"You got strength, punch em or something."

"I'm not getting near those things, they look slimy and gross! Plus they'll probably eat me!"

"Then throw a rock. It'll be like throwing a ball during gym."

"I'm hot Nicole; I don't know how to throw a rock! All I had to do was wear the shorts and bend slightly forward every so often during gym, remember?"

"Then pretend you're throwing something at Jeffery! God knows they have matching eyes and-"

A thunder bolt silences them, making the toad gargle before falling onto its belly. A cry of sheer, childlike joy rings out.

"I just cast magic! This is so awesome!" Kazuma yells out before frying another few toads as Nicole and Jecka watch on out of his sight at the moment.

"…Maybe you shouldn't have treated him so poorly yesterday."

"I'm not apologizing." Nicole says as another thunder bolt rings down.

"What if he holds a grudge?"

"Like all men? Shocking."

"Most men don't have magic powers from a God!"

"Maybe you should have picked that instead?"

"You're seriously going to-"

"I don't know how today can-" Kazuma looks over and sees them. His smile falls as he spits to the side.

Then it returns.

"Wow, that's not serial killer smile at all." Nicole says.

"You really never stop running your mouth, do you?"

"I did once. Not doing that again."

"You really should, especially when it doesn't count as serial killing if it's only two bodies~." Kazuma says as he raises a hand, lightning crackling in the air.

"Oh God…" Jecka says.

"Go ahead you wannabe gangster tracksuit wearing bitch." Nicole says, making both Kazuma and Jecka freeze.

"Are you insane?" Kazuma asks after a beat.

"Yeah Nicole, why the fuck are you taunting the guy that can cook us like a toaster in a Jacuzzi?!"

"No, I just know better." Nicole says while walking towards Kazuma.

"I know he isn't dumb enough not to realize what his reputation in town is after that beating yesterday and that questions will arise if the two hottest new arrivals in forever disappear after he was seen harassing them~.

"You lying two faced-I never-"

"Nor is he hateful enough to kill us since he didn't do that on sight, and he is especially not malicious enough to follow through because, like so many other geeks who died a young, unremarkable virgin-" Nicole takes a breath and grins as she stands in front of Kazuma who takes a step back, perturbed by Nicole's advance.

"He has delusions of playing the hero~…and heroes don't do revenge because of a little hardship, right?"

"…God damn bitch…My reputation will improve in time, and yours will…" Kazuma mutters before leaving, making Nicole smile fully.
Jecka grabs her shoulder and looks at her flatly.

"You do realize next time he may just snap and set us both on fire right?"

"Maybe. But if he does, we win."

"No we won't we'll be dead!"

"Yeah, and we saw where we'll end up so nothing to really fear, especially since Heaven is just clouds, conversation, and choir music."

"Wait, seriously? That sounds like Hell."

"Yeah, so may as well enjoy this world for all it's worth~." Nicole says.

"…But if we don't want our time cut short by Ka-whatever, we'll need some serious magical firepower to help deal with him…"

"We got-"

"That doesn't have a once a day limit." Jecka cuts off Nicole, making her cross her arms.

"…I'm sure we can find someone if we just say he serves a fallen dark God or some similar bullshit."

"I'll make the poster when we get back. Hopefully they can help with this quest to so I don't have to get all slimy…" Jecka says and they go back to twon.

===

"…Your poster sucks." Nicole says.

"I never made anything like this before, fuck off. Besides, it has the basic requirements we want."

"…Isn't this a city of rookies or something? Who are we going to find someone with the magical firepower that can and is willing to fight a lunatic with divine powers?" Nicole asks.

"Says the other lunatic with divine powers…" Jecka says while pulling out a cigarette.

"Screw you I'm not like that-wait, I thought you were out of-"

"I noticed your poster." They both turn to the voice.

"It must be the fate of this world that we meet; you who seek magic to best a God, and I, the holder of such raw power. My search for a suitable party must be nearing its end!" Says a young girl; with a flick of her cape, a hand in front of her face, an eye patch over one eye as she grins under an oversized hat she continues.

"I am Megumin! Tell me, what fierce horror on this world do you dare face?!"

"Oh fuck another weirdo…" Nicole and Jecka mutter the same time.

 

[Davos]

"I am not weird! This is the typical greeting of the Crimson Demons!" Megumin says with balled fists.

"Wait, does that mean you're related to the Demon King?" Nicole asks while taking a slow drag.

"No, Crimson Demons are the mortal enemy of the Demon King. We just call ourselves demons because it's cool."

"Oh my God, and I thought Kazuma was a perfect copy of Jeffery…" Jecka says with her hands over her face.

"Does this Jeffery friend of yours know the most powerful spell, Explosion?!"

"Not our friend, and depends on what kind of Explosion we're talking about." Nicole says.

"He knows another form of Explosion?!"

"Yeah, but it's usually done indoors where we're from." Jecka says getting a stifled laugh from Nicole. Megumin looks at them puzzled.

"…I feel like your making fun of Explosion…and how can it be effective if it has to be cast indoors? That is literally the opposite ideal condition for that spell."

"I mean does it matter? You got other spells you can use right?" Nicole asks and Megumin glances to the side before flicking her cape.

"When one has learned the most powerful spell, all other forms of magic are but a distraction!"

"So you're unable to learn other spells?" Jecka asks.

"No, I refuse to learn other spells!" Megumin says, leaving Nicole and Jecka quiet.

"Can it kill giant toads?" Nicole asks.

"It can vanquish any foe!"

"Eh, good enough for a test run. Let's go." They head out to the field where there is a toad sunbathing.

"…It almost looks cute." Jecka says.

"Yeah, like a Chihuahua that just got rabies."

"Chu wawa?" Megumin asks.

"Ugly dog where we're from…aren't you going to blow it up?" Nicole asks.

"I have not heard a better question yet!" Megumin skips a few steps to get in range before twirling her staff.

"Breath of giants from ages past, heed my call and smite my foe with the antithesis of creation! Remind this world once more of-"

"…She's calling on the power of bad breath?" Nicole asks.

"No I think it's a chant thing mages do. It's how they cast their spells."

"Did that guy chant before cooking the toads?"

"No, but that was from a God so there's probably differences and-"

"EXPOLSION!"

A deafening clap and the gust of wind nearly blows them back, the array of lights stunning the pair of them as a crater is formed where the hapless toad stood. Nicole and Jecka stand up, moths open in sheer shock.

"Oh my God…she wasn't kidding about the magic!"

"That can totally kill blue bitch and that other guy! We're…uh…oh no." Nicole says, her amazement quickly wearing when she sees Megumin face first in the ground. They go over and look at her.

"Think she's dead?" Jecka asks.

"I'm not dead…"

"Then get up, I see toads coming." Nicole says while looking at a few of them emerging from the ground.

"I can't…I used up all my mana." Megumin says.

"What does mana have to do with you not moving?"

"Mana is used first when casting magic. But if someone doesn't enough mana, their energy can be used to make up the difference. I only have enough mana and energy to use that glorious spell once before becoming like this…"

"What?! You can only use that spell once a day?! Why don't you learn another spell?" Jecka asks.

"Because Explosion is the best magic! Can one of you carry me?"

"Leave her." Nicole says and starts walking away. Jecka looks at Nicole walk away, down to Megumin unable to move, and the approaching toads.

"Please don't leave me…"

Jecka leans down and hefts up Megumin running her in with one hand and starts running.

"Jecka what the fuck? We could have ditched her and leisurely walked back!"

"You were seriously going to leave me?!" Megumin asks.

"Wouldn't you?!"

"No!"

"Lying flat brat!" Nicole says as they all run.

"You're calling me a brat for not wanting to die?! And leave my chest alone!"

"Death isn't that bad and I doubt you'll ever have the chance to say that again!" Nicole says, making Megumin gasp.

"This is seriously not the time, we have frogs after us!" Jecka shouts.

"Toads." Nicole says.

"What-fucking-ever! They're gonna kill us unless we-wait! Why don't you kill them?!"

"Blue bitch is only good at healing!"

"Use another bitch!"

"What are you two talking ab-" Megumin screams when a toad tongue grabs her and pulls her back.

"D-didn't blue bitch mention a fire Goddess called Pyro or something? Use her spells!" Jecka asks as another toad lands in front of them.

"I don't know fire spells!"

"J-just say fireball! That's what those dnd geeks say!"

===

A redheaded woman in jeans, t- shirt, and a leather jacket is napping peacefully on a blanket under a tree. She opens her eyes and stretches her arms above her head before standing up, rubbing the sleep from her eyes.

"Faking illness to get out of work was the best idea I had in years~." She says while flicking her long lock of hair behind her. She brings out a thermos and takes a sip. She places her hand at the bottom to warm it up.

"Shame I won't be able to do it again for another century and-"

Her wrist bends backwards with a crack, dropping the thermos, the back of her hand now touching her forearm. Pyra looks at her hand, crimson eyes now dots, her cheeks blanching. Then the pain registers.

"Is this punishment for faking illness!? Make it stop!" She screams before going to her knees, her arm further bending backwards like rolled up dough.

===

"Fire ball! Fire ball! Fire ball!" Nicole keeps yelling at the downed toad corpse. Jecka holds a crying Megumin with two fingers, covering her nose with her other hand.

"You…need a bath…"

"You know what the worst part is?"

"Other than your smell?"

"It was actually pretty comfy in there…Like a warm blanket during winter…" Megumin says. Nicole eventually walks back.

"I'm done for the day. Least we got the quest done."

"…There has to be something easier than this…" Jecka says.

As they walk back into town, people look at the trio. Mostly at Megumin who glistens in the sunlight and nearly knocks out anyone passing near them like a wet handbag of rotten meat. Low laughter draws their attention at the guild entrance. A small distance away is Kazuma sipping tea with the most pretentious pinky out.

"Having trouble~?" He asks.

"Not as much as you."

"I'm not the one that reeks."

"Neither am I, so fuck off." Nicole says.

"Come now, I'm just worried how my fellow rookie adventurers are doing~ Tell me, how many quests have you finished today? Certainly it wasn't just 1? I did 4~." Kazuma says while fanning himself before taking a bite of steak.

Megumin looks at him in amazement.

Nicole and Jecka look at each other and nod.

They walk away, balling their fists as Kazuma laughs at them. They hand in the quest note and get paid. They do the math and give Megumin her share before giving her the bad news.

"Sorry Meg, you don't quite make the cut. But we know someone who would love to have you." Nicole says and Megumin smiles.

They walk outside and sit at Kazuma's table, making his smirk grow wider.

"Oh? Are you actually asking me to help you? Well this is a funny turn of events isn't it?" Kazuma asks with a pained expression from Megumin's smell.

"Don't call him a spineless virgin who couldn't get a woman on his own…yet." Nicole thinks with a fake smile on her lips.

"Yes, we are." Nicole says and Kazuma's smile falls.

"…What are you planning bitch?"

"W-wait, is this the guy?" Megumin asks.

"Yes. He may look a piece of crap, but he's just an awkward loner in need of friends." Jecka says.

"I am neither of those things you bimbo!"

"I have morals! I said no to doing feet stuff." Jecka says.

"Wow. Truly an inspiration. A symbol of D cup purity."

"It's a C cup." Nicole says, leaving Kazuma quiet a moment.

"…Just tell me how you want my help and I'll draft up some terms~."

"Wow…saying stuff like that so brazenly and you wonder why we mistook you for a rapist."

"N-not those kind of terms!"

"You expect us to believe that's not what you meant?" Nicole asks.

"Yeah it seriously sounded like half the stories on Redtube, especially all the school girl getting a better grade one…" Jecka says.

"Sure you aren't speaking from experience?" Kazuma asks.

"No, but that might have been better than Olive Garden." Jecka says and Kazuma looks at her very confused.

"What does a garden full of olives have to do with- never mind, I was thinking more like our prior talk… with you know who…" Kazuma says.

"No need to be shy Kazuma, your new party member should know that you were chosen by the Gods." Nicole says, making Megumin look at Kazuma with sparkles in her eyes and Kazuma blanch.

"By the Gods?!"

"Yes, he has amazing magical powers, got them directly from a God. You can learn a lot by watching him~." Jecka says.

"You…this was your-" Kazuma stops when Megumin sits up and gets close to his face, smiling fully while bringing the horrible smell closer.

"I was top of my class in the Red Prison, I promise to pull my weight when it matters and-"

"H-hold on there kiddo, I-" He stops when Megumin looks dejected.

"To crush a young girl's heart, and deny helping out a fellow adventurer. You really are all talk…how terrible of you." Nicole says her grin making Kazuma ball his fists.

"If you think I'll stay patient forever you have another-" A stomach growling interrupts them. Megumin looks away.

"…I haven't eaten anything since yesterday, but I got paid! So I'll probably have to choose between the stables and dinner, or a bed and water soup…" Megumin says with an awkward smile. Kazuma looks her over before handing her a menu.

"I have more Eris than I know what to do with yet. Order something." Kazuma says and Megumin smiles with an open mouth.

"Truly all the makings of a hero~." Nicole says.

"I'm ordering only for her, the rest of you beat it before I-" Kazuma before Megumin jumps at Kazuma. He looks at the approaching Crimson demon with wide eyes, unable to move as she crashes into him, spilling his lunch, and soiling his clothes.

"Oh God, that smell! Get away from me!"

"Thank you for letting me join your party! I'll carry your bags!"

"I don't need a bag carrier, I need air! What the Hell is this fluid?!" Kazuma yells out while trying to peel Megumin away from him.

"Enjoy the new party member, no need to thanks us, we both know this is the only way you'd get a girl to get on top of you~." Nicole says with a smile before leaving.

She chuckles while hearing Kazuma try to pry the horrid smelling Megumin away, only to frown when someone stand before her.

"Are you the one responsible for leaving that young woman in such a state?"

"Technically no…it was the giant toad." Jecka says.

"You let your companion be eaten by a monster?"

"I would, but Jecka had a change of heart."

"She didn't deserve that Nicole."

"To flat out admit to leaving a party member be devoured by a monster…and not even show a hint of remorse towards her but instead throw her to an uncouth man like a piece of meat to the wolves…"

"I am not uncouth! And where did you find this strength!?" Kazuma shouts with Megumin latching onto his shoulders.

"Oh God, are you going to lecture me about 'morals' and 'treating people nicely'?" Nicole asks with a roll of her eyes while gesturing to Jecka to give her a cigarette.

"Don't have one." Jecka says while smoking a cigarette.

"Are you seriously going to bullshit me while-" Nicole stops when the blonde woman grabs her by the shoulders, face near hers, cheeks red as fire and a hint of drool at her lips.

"I would never ask you to change your ways. You're perfect~."

"What?" Jecka, Nicole, and Kazuma ask at the same time.

"My name is Darkness and I must join your party!"

 

[Davos]

"What kind of parent names their kid Darkness? Were they too poor for an abortion? Maybe they were-" Nicole stops when the blonde woman arches her back, lips clasped tightly as she moans.

"Did…you just get turned on?" Jecka asks and Darkness looks at her with a steely gaze.

"Do not be absurd. As an honorable knight, I find such accusations…deplorable~."

"You sound kinda turned on…or is that a common greeting of your people?" Nicole asks while looking at Megumin.

"Don't lump Crimson Demon culture with her perversion Nicole!" Megumin says while hanging onto Kazuma's back, giant toad fluids making her shine.

"Get off of me, you stink…" Kazuma says as Darkness starts panting and shivering.

"To be shamed even by a child…how deplorable~." Darkness says, making Megumin glare at her with glowing eyes.

"So why do you want to join my party?" Nicole asks.

"I thought I was clear? You're perfect! You're the kind who is a failure at everything she attempts and blames society for her ills! The sort who only takes the easy way out unless it is to inflict harm upon others, than you transform into an unstoppable force to bring ruin to whoever rightfully sleights her!" Darkness says, making Nicole glare more with each word.

"Wow, she has your number~." Kazuma says, making Nicole glance at him.

"…They're not wrong…" Jecka thinks while taking another drag.

"Yep. Got another target now." Nicole thinks.

"And you!"

"Me?" Kazuma asks.

"Yes you, I can feel how your eyes are licking me! Alternating between me and these two like the hopeless pervert you are! I can barely imagine what depraved fantasies circle in your head at any moment!" Darkness says, making Kazuma slam a fist onto the table.

"T-that's not true! I'm not licking anything!"

"That's probably part of the problem…no reciprocating~." Nicole says.

"Listen here you-" He stops when she pokes out her cheek with her tongue and a wink, making him blush.

"Predictable." Nicole says with a sneer.

"So predictable." Jecka says.

"And you!" Darkness looks at her with full eyes.

"Hey! I am not a bad person so don't you start bitch!"

"Exactly!"

"I haven't thought about Redtube in-huh?" Jecka's eyes widen a moment.

"You are the definition of Milquetoast! Spineless despite your abrasive front, happy to go along with another's plan even if they are detrimental to yourself! A perfect victim! A kindred spirit, a comrade in arms! You're just like me!" Darkness says and Jecka cracks her knuckles.

"I'm killing her."

"What happened to not wanting to be a criminal?" Nicole says while taking the smoke from Jecka's mouth to take a drag.

"I'll just bust us out or something." Jecka says before taking a swing at Darkness, the blow caught in Darkness' hand, and the subsequent pressure knocking over anything that was not attached to the ground, including Nicole's cigarette.

Jecka looks up at Darkness in shock.

"That…should have killed you…"

"It was a surprisingly strong blow. Thankfully I possess formidable defenses." Darkness says while pushing Jecka away, shaking out her armored hand.

"That should have been more than strong…" Jecka says as Darkness leans in to whisper.

"…Are you self conscious about your muscles too?"

"I don't…" Jecka walks away in a daze, taking a seat near Kazuma.

"…So about Redtube…" He asks.

"Fuck off." Jecka says.

"…Why should we let you in the party? I'll admit, you look like a great meat shield but-"

"Hnng~"

"Stop moaning for one minute, Jesus Christ! It's like you're backup dancer in some shitty rap video." Nicole says.

"…I'll admit, my resilience may be my only positive trait. I am rather inaccurate with a blade and prone to being grabbed by the enemy, so I am not sure how useful I will be in a fight."

"She sounds perfect as an expendable meat shield, though I am a little unsure if Jecka will leave her in a bad situation…"

"But to make up for that I will allow myself to be useful in other ways! I know of a few quests on the board only I am willing to undertake and will split the shares with you!"

"Ok, that sounds good for us, but…Is being abused all you want? I don't mind, but you better not have a change of heart later~." Nicole says with a glint in her eye.

"I would never break my word, you can even test your weapons on me~."

"Oh, now you're talking…~"

"Oh no…" Jecka says.

"What is it?" Kazuma asks.

"I know that voice…" Jecka says with a frown.

"I can be quite demeaning." Nicole says.

"You make that sound like it's a flaw." Darkness answers back.

"God, you might be perfect." Nicole says.

"C-compliments won't win me-"

"A perfect punching bag~." Nicole says and Darkness hunches forward with heavy breathing as Nicole continues.

"I'm gonna enjoy beating the shit out of you."

"Yes…"

"Smacking you for no reason in public, making you get me stuff like a slave~."

"Yes~!"

"Cutting you with all manner of blades?" Nicole asks with a wink.

"Think you can find a blade sharp enough?"

"Oh, you'll do~ Now call me Mistress."

"Mis-"

"While on your knees."

Darkness does a body wide shiver, panting as she goes to the floor.

"Mistress~."

"You're in. Let's get you a collar like the bitch you are."

"Nicole! You can't just-" Jecka's words are ignored as Nicole and Darkness leave the area.

"…What kind of messed up romance did I just witness?" Megumin asks.

"An abusive lesbian relationship…The second one for Nicole…"

"She was abused? That would explain her, well, everything." Kazuma asks.

"No, she was the abuser in that one too, made a gay girl straight." Jecka says.

"That makes more sense than it should…" Kazuma says before slamming a fist into the table.

"It's not fair…She's a terrible erson but gets a busty blonde bombshell who'll do anything she wants and I get a used up loli covered in God knows what!"

"I am not a loli! And I am not used up!"

"Didn't you say you could only do that spell once a day?" Jecka says.

"Well yes but-"

"What kind of idiot only does magic once a day?" Kazuma says while walking away, grumbling.

"Let's see you say that when you witness the destructive majesty of Explosion!"

Meanwhile, after getting Darkness a collar, Nicole walks with her in town.

"I forgot to ask, but when does the party take another quest?"

"Probably tomorrow; shouldn't be hard with you as a meat shield." Nicole says and Darkness squirms before recovering herself.

"I am a little worried…defending 4 people might be difficult. I cannot imagine that man is a frontline class."

"4? What do you mean 4? It's just me, Jecka, and you."

"I thought the young man and girl covered in fluids were part of the party? That was why I tried to sell myself so hard earlier…most parties typically keep to a size of 4."

"Fuck no!"

"Surprising…I was kind of curious how terrible a person he was~." Darkness says before being pulled by Nicole.

"Oh you don't have to worry about that…I'll be all the horror you need."

Any other person would have fled at that tone, especially as they climbed the stairs to her room…more so when Nicole pulled out a dozen razor blades.

But Darkness merely panted in anticipation.

===

Jecka opens the door to the room carrying a few fliers.

"Nicole you here? I got a few-"

"How the Hell do your abs dull blades?!" Nicole asks with a dozen rounded razors on the floor. Darkness looks to the ground, twiddling her thumbs.

"I…have a very high defense stat…"

"…The fuck is going on here?" Jecka asks.

"My bimbo pet here thought we were in a party with cock-whatever his name is, so I took her here to get him out of her mind, but her and her rock hard manly muscles dulled every single razor!"

"I don't have manly muscles!"

"That's the part you're not ok with?" Nicole asks.

"Wait, all of them?!" Jecka asks.

"Yes! I don't know what kind of steroids she uses but-"

"But nothing Nicole, what the fuck are we gonna use to shave with now?!"

"I have a few spare knives I can lend if you-"

"No one was talking to you!" Nicole says before backhanding Darkness before clutching her hand.

"Fuuuck, what is your face made of!? This is almost as bad as being shot!"

"…I have very high defense stats…"

"I wonder if those toads would spit her out if they ate her?" Jecka asks absentmindedly.

"Let's find out!" Darkness says with a smile, heading to the door, stopping as a rip appears in the air.

"Oh, Blue Bitch again?" Nicole says before a red haired woman steps out of it, the air starts to become muggy as she stands in the room,

"I am Pyra, Goddess of flame, arbiter of the departed in another world, and the final sight for countless damned. Which of you little heathens are Nicole and Jecka?"

 

[Davos]

"Don't you think it's a little odd calling us heathens when we're here to kill the Demon King? And can you turn off the heat?" Nicole asks while fanning herself.

"Wait, that is your goal!?" Darkness asks with a smile. Jecka looks at her askance.

"Your purpose in being here is not why I branded you as heathens. Earlier today you used my magic to such a degree that I had to be healed by that gaudy Goddess of water."

"Are you seriously bad mouthing me five minutes after fixing your arm you arson loving twit?!" Aqua asks from the rip in the air.

"Shouldn't you be getting drunk?" Pyra asks and the sound of a wine cork being pulled off is Aqua's response.

"Trouble in paradise?" Nicole asks, making Pyra squint at her.

"Next time you can unfurl your arm on your own!" Aqua shouts before a cork flies out the tear onto Pyra's head, caught in her hair before it brightens a moment and incinerates the cork. Darkness smiles.

"How can you be so- Never mind; I'll be sure to seek reprisal after correcting your mistake today~." Pyra says before turning towards Jecka.

"Why are you looking at me? I don't have the power that hurts Gods."

"I know, but you did steal another power."

"I did?"

"Lying will not save you." Pyra says, making a motion to crack her knuckles but stopping when she looks at her left hand, a shiver running through her despite the heat in the room.

"I'm not lying bitch." Jecka says while opening a window and breathing in fresh, cooler air before lighting up a cigarette.

"You dare disparage the Goddess of flame?"

"I mean, blue bitch isn't that bright and she called you a twit…Doesn't paint the best picture." Nicole says, standing by the open window as the temperature ramps up another degree.

"Stop calling me that!" Aqua says after taking a swig.

"Your real name is forgettable." Nicole says making Aqua gasp before throwing an empty bottle through the rift towards Nicole, missing, and flying through the window. A pained yell rings out.

"Who dares threaten the brain of the genius wizard of the Crimson Demons!"

"Stop proclaiming everything! People are looking at us…" Kazuma mutters at Megumin.

"Nice shot. Have you considered going pro?" Jecka asks.

"Enough. You will relinquish your stolen second ability, or be burned on the spot."

"I don't even know what this second power is, you butch biker rip off!!" Jecka says.

"…Does Heaven have biker lesbians? That would be awesome…" Nicole thinks.

"You claim to not know it, yet you have been consistently using it to manufacture items from your world!"

"I have?" Jecka asks and Pyra gestures to the cigarette in Jecka's hand.

"Wait, you have an infinite cigarette maker?!" Nicole asks.

"I do?!" Jecka asks.

"…Of everything you could make with this, you only made cigarettes?"

"I think she made percocet too." Nicole says.

"Wait, I could make anything?" Jecka asks.

"Yes how do you-"

"L-lady Pyra!" Eris says from the rip.

"Yes Eris?"

"…Eris? As in…" Darkness mutters in shock.

"She…didn't actually steal it. I looked over the recording and found out the paper for second power was stuck to her chosen power…" Eris says and Pyra looks flatly at the rip with an open mouth.

"You blue idiot…" Pyra says, making another bottle fly through the room and the open window, and another scream rings out.

"Ow!…who throws bottles in- Oh a high end brand! And unopened! My store is saved this month! I might even be able to have a real meal!" A brown haired woman in a robe says before happily running down the street, one hand rubbing her head.

Pyra sighs.

"My…apologies for accusing you of that; But there is still the matter of you abusing that power Nicole, not to mention the fact you must relinquish this accidental third-"

"Counter offer." Nicole says and Pyra groans in shock. Eris cups her head in the Heavenly realm and Aqua takes another long swig.

"You are in no position to negotiate."

"I think otherwise. You don't like me using this power right?"

"Yes, I would think even you could understand that, with what remains of your brain that was not destroyed by those opiates~." Pyra says as Nicole steps closer.

"And half the reason I use it is annoyance with the Gods. Now those same Gods are here, taking away my infinite drug source, and by extension, forcing me into shitty fantasy themed rehab. Do I need to say how annoying that is~?" Nicole says, still grinning even as Pyra's hair turn into living flame.

"Are you threatening me? Are you threatening a Goddess while wearing a pentagram shirt?!"

"No, I'm asking to join your cult, convert me bitch."

"I will burn this room and everyone-hgn!?" Pyra is lifted off the floor in a bear hug from Darkness.

"Foolish mortal sow!"

"Ugg…"

"I will melt you until your bones are liquid!"

"Yes~!"

"…What did you say?" Pyra asks, still in her grasp.

"She's doing it again…" Jecka and Eris say the same time.

"Burn me like a slab of skewered mat over a raging fire~."

"You're not…supposed to ask me that…and most people should be letting me go when I have this much heat…"

"I have high heat resistances~."

"Let go of me…"

"Never~."

"Then I will-"

"I will not let you hurt one of my followers…even if she should not be doing this…" Eris says and Darkness has a moment of indecision, until a renewed heat emanates from Pyra, making her hold on tighter to the Goddess.

"Plus you're currently weaker when you visit that realm, so her resistances might be enough to survive you." Aqua says.

"Wow…a Goddess who can't kill a righteous, if perverted knight~?" Nicole asks with a smug grin as Pyra tries to worm away from Darkness.

"Let go of me!"

"Never! I will hang on even as my flesh is charred, fused to my armor like a- Oh Gods~."

"At least stop moaning!"

"Tell you what, fire cracker, I'll get my toy to let you go if you agree to a deal~."

"What possible deal would I even agree to with the likes of-."

"It involves Jecka giving up that power to make infinite fixes for us."

"What?!" Jecka glares at Nicole.

"…What's the catch?" Pyra asks.

"She gets it instead." Nicole points to Darkness.

"…You really are insane."

"With some conditions, she can only make things we approve, like cigarettes and percocet."

"I have no idea what percocet is…" Darkness says.

"…Maybe give us a day to teach her? Or limited ability to hijack it from her to show the item if we need to?" Nicole asks.

"Absolutely not! I will not have you turning my follower into a walking drug factory! You're just going to become drug dealers!" Eris says.

"No, that didn't work out so well last time. Was nearly arrested. Don't wanna think what this place will do if they catch me selling crack to pregnant women." Nicole says and Darkness arches her back before falling onto the ground, carrying Pyra with her.

"So deplorable~."

"Ow ow ow, how is her grip getting tighter!?" Pyra says before glowing brighter, nearly blinding Jecka and Nicole as a new wave of heat stifles their breathing, making them step back. When the light fades, they look over and see Pyra looking distraught while still held by a panting Darkness.

Nicole walks over with a cigarette in hand pushs it against Pyra's hair to light it up and take a drag before speaking.

"So…would you rather I be bored and abuse Gods with this broken in wall at my disposal-"

"Hng~."

"Or for me to have a little fun on my way to curb stomp that guy?" Nicole asks before blowing a stream of smoke in Pyra's face, her eyes twitching in suppressed rage.

Back in the Heavenly realm, Aqua is emptying another bottle and Pyra is walking in a circle, muttering curses as Eris watches the screen in horror.

Nicole has a bottle of percocet in hand and gives Darkness a pill.

"Don't want you overdosing so just one for now." Nicole says and Eris has to make the screen vanish.

"…My seniors are terrible." Eris thinks while glancing at the drunken Aqua and traumatized Pyra.

 

[Davos]

"Let go, bitch." Kazuma says, trying to pull the quest flier away from Nicole.

"Wow, not only can you not take it away from me, you have to ask too…are you so weak because puberty didn't hit yet?" Nicole says while still holding onto the flier.

"You suck at insults…if I'm weak, then what does that make you? You're struggling to get this paper from me!"

"Unlike you, I'm an all natural girl." Nicole says, making Kazuma's eye twitch.

"Should we intervene?" Darkness asks Megumin and Jecka.

"I'm not getting between them and their magic dick swinging contest…what are they fighting about anyway?" Jecka asks.

"This particular quest has a unique reward. Instead of Eris, successfully exorcising the ghosts from the local graveyard awards the deed to a manor for free." Darkness says, making Megumin and Jecka look at her with an open mouth.

"Get in there and pull him away!" Jecka orders.

"Oh Titan's wrath, breath of annihilation, heed my-Hmf!?"

"Are you insane? Casting that in town?!" Jecka asks while covering Megumin's mouth.

"Actually I was going to-" Darkness is cut off when Jecka screams and starts shaking Megumin.

"Let go of my hand! Stop biting me!" Jecka shouts but Megumin stead wraps herself around Jecka's arm and brings her to the ground.

"Don't make me use my strength on you!" Jecka yells out as Megumin bites her again. Darkness steps in and manages to separate them, holding Jecka in one hand, and Megumin in the other.

"May I suggest something? Instead of fighting we can-"

A scream of pain rings out. Looking over they see Kazuma on the ground in the fetal position, hands between his legs.

"My jewels…my family name…lost to this unforgiving world…!" He squeaks in a high pitched whine.

"Got the quest, let's go and-"

"I think we should team up with them Mistress." Darkness says, making everyone present look at her with wide eyes, except Kazuma who is still oblivious to his surroundings.

"What the fuck are you talking about? Wait, did you have some percs earlier to come up with that idea?"

"I have not had any today…truthfully I do not want anymore. It dulls my senses. How can I enjoy- I mean fulfill my duty as a front liner without feeling every blow?" Darkness asks.

"Ok, whatever, but why do you want to team up with him? Is this another fantasy of yours?" Nicole asks and Darkness arches her back, before leaning in to whisper to Nicole.

"No, I ask due to the nature of ghosts. Physical attacks do little against them, and with the limit on your ability, it would be prudent to have another magic user or two…" Darkness says glancing at Megumin and Kazuma.

"That's actually a good idea pet…plus it'll give them more targets so I'm less likely to be hit first." Nicole says and Darkness fidgets.

"It's odd to hear you complimenting me…"

"Don't get used to it. The rest of your idea sucks."

"There it is~!"

"First off, I really doubt the guy I nearly neutered will agree. And if he did, he'd probably betray us, and lastly, if everything did work well, how are we going to split a building?"

"Hmm…maybe this arrangement would work?" Darkness continues on and Nicole cups her chin in thought.

"I got issues with both results, but it's better than looking over my shoulder during this." Nicole says before walking over to Kazuma who just got to his knees.

"Really? Kicking me while I'm down? I'm surprised you're doing it yourself…" Kazuma mutters.

"I'm not; I suspect you would be into that. I'm here with an offer and a temporary truce."

"You nearly neutered me! Why should I accept any offer with you!?" Kazuma asks, now back on his feet.

"Wow, fast recovery there. And it's less an offer and more a contest."

"What are you talking about?"

"There are a lot of ghosts there, having more than one person who can use magic would be better." Nicole says.

"True…but I don't trust you, and I doubt you trust me either, and even if we could get past that, how we would we split a building? Or you suggesting we live on different floors?"

"Fuck no, I don't live with rapists."

"Stop calling me that already."

"No. As for the contest, whoever gets more experience during this quest from clearing those undead, gets the manor; but, to make it not so bad there will be a consolation prize for you, the loser~."

"Really? Calling me the loser when you only have your ability for a few minutes~?" Kazuma asks and Nicole's eyes widen.

"How do you know that?"

"Gods."

"Fuck."

"But what is this consolation prize if we don't split the manor?" Kazuma asks.

"The person who wins the manor has to pay an amount of cash to the other person each month until they paid whatever the manor is worth." Nicole says and Kazuma grabs his chin in thought.

"Surprisingly decent terms coming from you…though I don't like the idea of paying you."

"Isn't paying women for favors like half your culture?"

"Are you trying to piss me off while making a deal with me? And that sounds racist."

"Ok, that last one is fair. So you in?" Nicole asks before lighting up a cigarette.

What is the bare minimum payment?"

"That can be talked about later after we find out the manor's worth and how well the winner does each month." Nicole says.

After that, a begrudging alliance of opportunity is formed and they meet up later at the graveyard.

Kazuma immediately starts blasting a few ghosts and the others hang back. Darkness looks at Nicole.

"I'm surprised you are not joining the fray to win the competition…"

"I am winning. He gets a dusty old manor with who knows how many troubles, and I get an income. Best part, he thinks he's winning~." Nicole says.

"An income is nice…though it feels kinda dirty getting it from him…" Jecka says.

"It's like were his lowly serfs and-" Darkness squeaks when Nicole covers her mouth.

"Much as I like your deranged masochism, I don't like the direction you're going this time." Darkness sighs against Nicole's hand, pouting with slumped shoulders. A few minutes later a woman's scream rings out, and they hurry over to find a woman with long brown hair in a purple robe and a curvy figure on the ground. Kazuma is standing nearby confused.

"Sorry Kazuma, I thought you were an Axis Cultist from your maniacal laughter…"

"No worries, I do tend to go a bit nuts…but why are you here Wiz?"

"Oh I uh…this is a little hard to explain but I was guiding the lost souls here towards the afterlife…"

"Isn't that more a job for a Priest or Priestess though? I thought you were an Arch Wizard like me?" Megumin asks.

"It is…" Wiz says on her feet while playing with her fingers.

"Just say it already, we don't have all night. We're on a quest here." Nicole says.

"Well…I was guiding them because these souls were too poor to afford a proper burial and guidance when they passed."

"Wow…that is a raw deal. But how are you able to do that? I thought Wizards were all about offense magic or utility spells like teleport?" Kazuma asks.

"That's…well, I can't really hide it now. I am an Arch Wizard but I am also a Lich." Wiz says, making Megumin and Darkness gasp. Nicole and Jecka barely react. Kazuma scratches his head like he half knows it.

"Oh, I forgot you three are from far away. A Lich is a high rank undead, usually a Wizard, and has control over other undead." Wiz explains.

"Wait…I thought Lichs were more skeletal or zombie looking?" Kazuma asks.

"Well, I was born human, and became one after joining the Demon King…"

"Wait, you work for the-" They all ask at the same time but Wiz cowers and covers her head in her hands.

"Yes, but not like that! I just maintain a barrier around his castle. I mainly run a shop in town…I never hurt a person." Wiz says and Nicole raises an eyebrow as Kazuma grasps her shoulder.

"It's fine now." He says in a deep voice, nearly making Nicole and Jecka gag.

Nicole jabs Darkness' side.

"Does she have a bounty?"

"Well…technically she should, though I don't recall any bounty for her specifically and I made a point to learn about the Generals."

"So, there's no payday in killing her?" Jecka asks, and Darkness nods. Meanwhile Nicole watches Wiz and Kazuma chat absentmindedly a moment, a wide smile on his face.

'Well, that's all the motivation I need.' Nicole thinks.

"Thanks for-" Wiz starts to say before Nicole raises an arm towards her.

"Sacred Turn Undead!" Nicole says and a bright blue light envelopes Wiz. She screams before vanishing. Kazuma looks at the spot of ground Wiz was standing at before turning towards Nicole.

"The Hell is wrong with you?! She was innocent!"

"You're just saying that because she had big boobs."

"That is not the point!"

"You're right for once. She was a Demon whatever general. Sure, she may have not burnt any towns, but that doesn't make her any less culpable."

"Wow…" Jecka says.

"What?"

"Never thought I hear you of all people say the word culpable."

"It's not that bad. My reasoning is-" Nicole is interrupted when a rip in the air forms.

"Oh great it's- The fuck?!!" Nicole yells out as two arms reach out and pull her through and closes.

"What…was that?" Megumin asks.

"I think…the Gods just kidnapped Nicole." Darkness says.

"Good." Kazuma says.

===

Nicole is flung across the room into a chair, the force making her flip over and land on her side.

"Ow, shit, could you have made this any rougher a landing Blue Bitch?" Nicole asks while rubbing her neck and standing up.

"My name is Aqua, and I will be the last thing you see with that mortal coil, heathen." Aqua says while cracking her knuckles.

"What the fuck are you angry about?" Nicole says and Aqua points down. Looking down she sees the back of Aqua's legs facing her while Aqua is standing towards her.

"….Am I tripping, or are you really more ass backwards than usual right now?"

"This is because you used a high level spell. It also really hurt."

"How does your spine even work in this situation? Can you bend forward?"

"Not the point, but feel free to continue on. I'm personally sending you to Heaven now."

"Not Hell?" Nicole asks.

"Haven would be worse for you. Besides, I fear you would make friends down there."

"Wait, you're actually going to kill me for using the magic thing properly now?"

"Like you even know the word proper! Just how dumb do you think I am?!"

"Aren't you the standard all stupidity is measured against? Also, I killed a general."

"Murder is not a good thing."

"A Demon King General, think she was an Arch bitch or something? Got her power from licking I think?"

"…Do you mean Lich?"

"Yeah that." Nicole says and Aqua looks unconvinced until Pyra, with flat eyes and a frown, walks to her with a scroll in hand. After a moment of reading Aqua's mouth falls open and she looks up at Nicole.

"Oh my me, you actually did do a good thing…"

"Why do you sound so surprised? I'm a good person." Nicole says, making Aqua and Pyra look flatly at her.

"Are you even capable of telling the truth?" Pyra asks.

"…You have a nice ass?"

"... I will ignore this agonizing moment since you did use that power properly." Aqua says with a wave of her hand and Nicole is thrown back into a rip, landing back in the graveyard.

"Ow…"

"I'm surprised they didn't kill you. Did they take your magic away?" Jecka asks while offering Nicole a cigarette.

"No, they thought I was torturing them again and were about to kill me…where's the other two?"

"They left, thinking you were dead and mumbling something about expecting payment soon."

"Payment for what?" Nicole asks now on her feet.

"Wiz was a high level Arch Wizard and Lich. Killing her netted you more experience than all the ghosts Kazuma purified." Darkness says, showing Nicole her adventurer card. She went up 32 levels.

"Wow…I just wasted her so that guy would stop smiling. Didn't think I'd get a mansion and power spike too. Doing good deeds does pay off~." Nicole says and Darkness arches her back.

"So despicable~."

"But now you got to pay him each month."

"Hmm…Well we should be able to get a few months easily enough. Where was her shop again?"

"It's not far from here, why?" Darkness asks.

"I'm sure it has a few valuables, and since it has no owner that means everything is up for grabs." Nicole says and they head to Wiz's shop.

 

[Davos]

"I must object to this Nicole." Darkness whispers as Nicole tinkers with the shop lock.

"Lock picking is the best method for this. Quiet, doesn't leave a trail-"

"That is not what I am referring to and you know that." Darkness says, fists on her hips.

"Starting to sound like Blue Bitch, and isn't lock picking a common skill around here?" Jecka asks.

"For dungeons, not shops!" Darkness says.

"Is it really a shop anymore if the owner is dead?" Nicole says before turning the door open.

"Somehow that doesn't apply when you kill the owner…"

"Wasn't she already dead to begin with?" Nicole asks and Darkness narrows her stare.

"Listen, it's either this, more underpaid and dangerous questing, or making you sell that overly toned ass in the streets or to Kazuma each month to pay-" The clank of armored boots cuts off Nicole. Looking over she sees Darkness on the ground, panting, blushing, and shivering before falling onto her side.

"…You forgot who you were talking to just now didn't you?" Jecka asks.

"Yeah, that's on me…but it's good to know we got options." Nicole says, making Darkness squeak as she opens the door. Entering she sees Kazuma leaning against the counter, arms crossed.

"I knew it…" Kazuma says from inside the store.

"…Somehow I'm not surprised you're here. But I still have to ask, what the fuck are you doing here?"

"Stopping you from raiding Wiz's place."

"So why were you upstairs in Wiz's room?" Megumin asks with a crate of stuff in her hand. Kazuma remains quiet.

"Probably sniffing her clothes." Nicole says.

"I-I was not!"

"Stammer says otherwise."

"Are you sure we can't invite him to live with us? I'll take care of him!" Darkness says from the doorway.

"I'm not a dog!"

"Arguable…So it's fine for you to raid her shit but not us?" Nicole asks.

"We're not raiding her stuff, we're organizing it!" Kazuma says.

"Let me guess, you're going to organize it back at your rooms?" Jecka asks with another cigarette in her hand.

"No, that crate has food. We're donating it to the homeless." Kazuma says.

"You care about the homeless?" Nicole asks.

"I've recently empathized with them after a horrible encounter with a self centered sociopath left me sleeping in a stable." Kazuma says and Nicole starts chuckling.

"I also know you would come here to try and get a few months' easy payments for me." Nicole stops chuckling.

"So what, you're the guardian of undead big titty criminals now?"

"What, you're unhappy I'm not falling for your bullshit now? Or are you unhappy you have to actually work for once in your life?"

"Oh don't act like you have the moral high ground you zombie panty sniffer, you broke in here too! I'll just call the guards on you, cry some fake tears and-"

"Won't work; Blondie here will nullify any pity you can make."

"The fuck did I do?" Jecka asks.

"Not you, Miss Moans-a-lot. She has a reputation among the guards as a nuisance." Kazuma says, making Nicole and Jecka look at a thumb twirling Darkness.

"I…wouldn't say I'm a nuisance…I don't try to annoy the guards on purpose…and I don't moan that much!"

"Your value goes down with each passing day, bitch." Nicole says, and Kazuma starts laughing. Darkness naturally moans. Jecka takes a wine bottle from a nearby table.

"You can't take that!" Kazuma says.

"Well you can't have it…drinking is bad for you~." Jecka says.

"Least I got a manor…" Nicole mutters before leaving with Jecka and Darkness following suit back to the hotel.

===

The next day they begin the process of moving into the manor, having Darkness handle the heavy lifting.

"Bit dusty, but not bad…Hey Darkness is there a God of cleaning Nicole can abuse for an hour?" Jecka asks while tinkering with the wine bottle she got from Wiz's shop.

"I don't know of such a God. We'll have to clean it ourselves." Darkness says, being met with two flat stares.

"You don't expect me to clean this entire place myself do you?"

"I mean, wouldn't you enjoy wearing dirty rags and being forced to clean this place like a servant?" Nicole asks. Darkness undergoes a body wide shiver but takes a breath.

"M-maybe, but this is far too large a place for one person. Even if I start with our living quarters, it will leave most of the place dust ridden and-"

A doll lands on Darkness' head.

"Why was there a doll on the ceiling?" Jecka asks aloud while Darkness examines it. Nicole grimaces before looking up, her suspicion now confirmed.

"…Fucking fantasy world…" Nicole mutters, making Jecka look up and blanch.

"Oh shit…"

Darkness also looks up and freezes before smiling.

Crawling upside on the ceiling like porcelain spiders are dozens of dolls, a glint in their normally lifeless eyes trained on the trio now. They all pull out forks, knifes, and sharpened spoons.

"Nicole…" Jecka says in a stammer.

"…The ability is still on cool down for a few minutes…"

"Wonderful!" Darkness says, arms outreached, instantly drawing the focus of the dolls, making them drop down onto Darkness like paratroopers, the sheer volume of them making the crusader collapse under their weight. Nicole and Jecka quietly move away from the doll Darkness dog pile.

Then the floorboard creaks, drawing the gaze of the outer layer of dolls.

Nicole and Jecka sprint down the hall, forced to run upstairs upon seeing another group of dolls cut them off. The hoard chuckles while slowly floating up the stairs after them.

"How many minutes?!"

"5!" Nicole says as they duck into a nearby room, slamming the door shut and pushing against it as the hoard threatens to break through the wood.

"We don't have 5 minutes! Can't you like speed it up by praying or something?!"

"I am NOT praying to a Deity that does party tricks!" Nicole says.

"Then pray to Pyra!"

"Fuck no! Her powers would burn down the manor and we would still have to pay him back and-" A jagged knife pokes through the wood between their faces, their reflections clear on the blade.

"And what?!"

"And I don't know if prayer would even work to speed up the time! But I do know they would laugh their asses off if I prayed to them!" Nicole says before Jecka leaves the door.

"Jecka what the Hell?! I can't-" She stops when she sees Jecka heft a solid looking bed with one hand and leans it against the door.

"Ok, that works for now…" Nicole says, stepping from the door and breathing heavy.

"That had to be at least a minute…We should be-" A chunk of wood flies into the room, giving a view of the doll hoard on the other side. Nicole goes to the window and curses.

"Fuck, the fall is too high…we'd probably break something and get killed from being unable to run." Nicole says.

"Or in the hospital like Kylar…" Jecka says as another piece of door breaks off.

"Wanna share a bottle of wine?"

"Sure…better way to go than last time. And I doubt the dolls can fuck this u as bad as the rope." Nicole says as Jecka uncorks the bottle the same time as a rip appears in the room.

"Seriously? Coming to gloat as we get stabbed?" Nicole asks as Aqua's hand appears through the rift.

"Give me the bottle and I'll save you~."

"…How do we know you won't just run away with it?" Nicole asks.

"The fool is a lush and will do anything for liquor." Pyra shouts from further in the tear.

"I am not! But if you really want to secure the salvation from the most beautiful Goddess, you can convert to my faith~."

"Why the fuck would I be religious here when I was never-" The door breaking down answers Nicole's question. With a grimace Nicole clasps her hands together.

"Now repeat after me: Lady Aqua, please save these unworthy souls from the fruits of their many, many, MANY mistakes." Aqua says with the smuggest finger twirling. Jecka repeats the phrase with a warbled voice, and Nicole repeats it utterly deadpan with white knuckles and blood from her hands.

"Good girls~." Aqua says before stepping into the mortal realm, the tone getting an eye twitch from Nicole.

The door is fully demolished as the doll hoard approaches and Aqua raises a hand.

"Sacred Turn Undead~." She commands a pillar of light blinds everyone, bright enough that the guard from the city gate turn to see the beacon behind them.

The dolls harmlessly fall to the ground, and necklaces appear around Jecka and Nicole's necks as Aqua takes the wine bottle saunters back into Heaven.

"Don't forget I saved you after all the trouble you put me through you useless little drug addicts. Keep some good wine around and I might be open to gracing you once more~."

'…I will kill her if it's the last thing I do.' Nicole thinks while standing up. Jecka looks up at her and blanches at Nicole's face.

Nicole turns to the door and grins.

"Least those things are gone, this'll be the last time we deal with undead, ghosts or other bullshit for a while now. Plus, with the damage, the value will be lower, so the wannabe corpse fucker gets less now." Nicole says before stretching and going to her room.

===

In a castle far away, an armored warrior takes a knee to an elderly horned man on a throne.

"My liege, you called for me?"

"Yes Beldia…I offer you a chance to admit your mistakes from the other day." The horned man says and the warrior glances away while his head is bowed.

"I…do not know what mistakes you refer too."

"Your head was in my daughter's bath! Again!"

"I slipped!"

"Bull Honkey!" The horned man says.

"You cannot prove I had ill intent this time! I know my head was-" Beldia stops when he feels the air chill, his undead breath now visible as he breaths.

The Demon King sees this and his own breath, making them both forget the prior moment as they turn to the doorway that leads to a room with a certain person's phylactery.

There stands Wiz, hood up, a sleeved hand shaking in obvious anger.

"G-good to see you Wiz, I didn't know you were coming here to-" The Demon King stops when she turns to him, the sight of her new face stunning him into silence.

Half of her face is now a skull.

 

[Davos]

'That's not from a lack of beauty sleep…' Beldia thinks, flinching under Wiz's one eyed stare as she approaches him.

"H-hello, how are-"

"Strip." Wiz says in a razored monotone.

"Huh?"

"G-General Wiz that is not-" The Demon King goes silent when he sees his breath fogging in front of him.

"I need your armor. It still has anti holy magic capabilities and conforms to its wearer, correct?"

"Y-yes but this is my armor, my lord gifted it to-"

"You can either take it off or be frozen with it forever." Wiz says and Beldia begrudgingly goes to a nearby room and takes it off, coming out in a leather hunting outfit from his days as a human. Wiz takes the armor and it conforms over her robe.

"I'm taking the horse too."

"You're taking Cinnamon too?!" Beldia says, but Wiz ignores him and rides off into the distance.

"Give her sugar cubes, please!" Beldia shouts.

===

The trio from another world stares up at the sky, sharing an odd moment of silent agreement.

An agreement that this world is utterly absurd as they look at flying cabbage.

Their agreement that is further strengthened when flying produce is an emergency.

"…If this world has magic but finds vegetables an emergency, this place is doomed." Nicole says.

"…It does look like they hit hard if her moans are anything to go by." Jecka says, as Darkness groans from an impact that chips another piece of her armor.

"Yeah…"

"…Seriously? Getting off from this?" Nicole asks.

"Like you aren't? Don't you find abuse hot?" Kazuma asks back as Darkness yells out, extending her arms to be a bigger target.

"I only find it hot when I'm doing the abusing."

"…Screw this, I'm getting my money." Kazuma says before disappearing.

"Did he just…?" Jecka asks before a bolt of thunder fries a few dozen cabbages, leaving them motionless as their outer shell crackles off to reveal a finely browned second layer.

'Must be one of those skills I heard about at the bar…Should really get to learning some of those now that I got a bunch of skill points.' Nicole thinks before reaching a hand out.

===

"You actually made the pair of them your followers!?" Pyra asks after her initial burst of laughter dies down, a string of giggles still punctuating her speech.

"I sure did, and I won't make them forget it! Begging me to save their butts from a bunch of dolls, and it barely took a second for me~." Aqua says before taking a swig from her bottle.

"…Lady Aqua, I don't think this is the proper way to-" Eris stops when Aqua points at her face.

"Nothing proper about them! Reasoning, appealing to their good nature, and being the usual good Goddess won't work! Got to make them aware who the head honcho is, capisce!?"

"…Can't believe I am agreeing with you for once…but don't use that phrase again, I know we watched some movies to get over thinking about that horrid woman, but it's painful hearing you use-" Pyra starts screaming as her fingers curl backwards.

"Told you! Not even a day and they're already torturing Pyra again…mainly because they know not to mess with me~."

"Do something before I'm a pret- aHaHAHHHH!"

====

"What do you mean these aren't acceptable?!" Nicole asks Luna while gesturing to her roasted greens.

"Well…they aren't cabbage, but lettuce and-"

"How does that matter?! It's still a flying leafy green!"

"Yes, but far less valuable I'm afraid. You'll still be compensated, but it won't be near as much…" Luna says, leaving Nicole with an eye twitch.

"Trouble in paradise?" A certain young man says, his smug grin falling when Nicole turns to him.

"Not in the mood today for you."

"When are you ever? And we still need to discuss my-" Kazuma tries to continue but Nicole is out of the guild already.

"Payment…"

After some aggravated walking, she calms down a bit.

'May as well try and find someone to teach me something. Since learning magic the old fashion way here is useless and impossible, may as well look for skills that increase my survivability like the disappearing trick…think it was a thief skill so it shouldn't be hard too for me. Already know how to avoid crowds normally so- oh right. He's a thief.' Nicole thinks before approaching a guy with short white hair.

"Hey there."

"Hm?...Hello."

"You're Chris right?"

"Yes, but why are you talking to me?"

"No need to be so surprised. I just thought you were kinda handsome and I would love to learn some thief skills if you have the time. When are you free~?" Nicole asks with a wink, and is surprised when Chris scowls.

'Huh…Didn't think that would be too much. Maybe it's a cultural thing?' Nicole thinks before Chris clears his throat.

"…I really don't want to spend time with you…and can you not try flirting with me? It's a little odd having another girl wink at me."

"Wait, you're a girl?"

"What do you think this is for?" Chris asks while pointing to the leather on her chest.

"I thought it was a fashion thing around here like the guild uniforms or some of the skimpy as hell women armor. That or you were metro or flamboyantly gay or something. So much for having a gay friend now…" Nicole says.

"I-I have a chest!"

"Barely."

"…I'm leaving now."

"Can you at least tell me someone who would teach me some skills? Or at least a way to learn this shit where I don't need someone?"

"Find out on your own. There's plenty of fighters and swordsman who can teach you."

"I don't want to learn how to fight, too messy."

"There's ranged combat too."

"You know any of that?" Nicole asks.

"No. Now excuse me, I have a quest to get to with my-"

"Hey!" Kazuma says, making Nicole sigh.

"I'll get your money later so stop stalking me." Nicole says.

"Didn't come here for you; you're just an unwanted bonus…but I expect that payment soon."

"Bite me…but if you're not playing at petty money collector, why are you here?"

"Getting my party member for a quest." Kazuma says, making Nicole look at Chris.

"Huh…heh heh. Oh my God…!"

"…I'm just going to ignore that inane laugh. I know nothing good can come from it."

"I traumatized you away from big boobs! This is rich!"

"You did not. I like all types." Kazuma says so matter of fact that Chris covers her face. Nicole walks down the street, giggling as Kazuma tries to salvage things with Chris.

Further down the road Nicole comes across an archer heading towards the guild.

'…Ranged combat huh? Wouldn't have to deal with as much gore that way…'

===

The next day Darkness finds herself in Heaven.

The cage bar goes crunch from between the alligator's powerful jaws.

Darkness almost extends her arm so it can bite her but she holds herself back.

'That would be too brazen…but if they came into the cage and forced my arm into their, trapping it between their razor sharp mouth, crushing and flailing me around, then I could not be blamed right~?' Darkness thinks before an arrow pierces the gator's head.

"Where do they all come from?" Nicole mutters as she readies another shot, muttering 'snipe'. Darkness looks on in growing sadness as she is left safely in the cage.

"So…do you think 10 minutes is enough to clean this lake? Looks pretty swampy." Jecka says.

"I'm open to ideas. Only remotely magic thing I learned was making small fire from my fingers and applying blessings to small things." Nicole says.

"…Is that a sex thing?" Jecka asks as she rifles through her bag.

"No, magic blessing. Who would I even have sex with aside from my pet…and I'm half certain she'd break me in half."

"Kinda hot…"

"Not when it's literal and-" Nicole stops when Jecka pulls out an unmistakable red stick.

"They have dynamite in this world?"

"Got it from a miner back in Axel and after a wink he even showed me how to make it too!"

"Bitching! Let's do some fishing!"

"Shouldn't we pull Darkness back in first so she isn't hit in the blast radius?" Jecka asks and Nicole looks at her.

"You forgot-"

"Yeah I did…but shouldn't we warn her?"

"Na, call it a pleasant surprise." Nicole says before chucking the first of many sticks.

===

"H-honestly! You should have warned me first!" Darkness says from inside the cage as they go back in town.

"You sounded like you were enjoying yourself." Nicole says while sitting on the back part of the cart.

"M-maybe, but a little consideration would be nice. I'm still human after all.

"…Didn't you insist on being transported back into town while in a cage?" Jecka asks while sitting in the back a cigarette in her mouth.

"Don't change the subject, that is a different matter altogether!"

"I'm just saying…people are staring…" Jecka asks.

"Not like she would have come out anyway. Bitch is as heavy as a stone."

"I-I-I am not! I am a light dainty woman!" Darkness says with intensely red cheeks.

"Didn't expect you to be self conscious about your weight after everything-" Nicole stops when an armored man stands in front of the cart's path.

"Move you're in the middle of the road."

"I realize, but I cannot stand by as blatant slavery "

"So subtle slavery is ok?" Nicole asks while getting down from the cart as the armored man grunts before waving a hand as he speaks.

"N-no! I meant slavery in general! More importantly, why do you have a crusader in a cage like…that?" He gestures to Darkness and her half torn armor, lightly black powdered face and limbs, and her disturbing smile.

"She likes it." Nicole says and Darkness squirms.

"Absurd. She must be placed under hypnosis! No normal person would tolerate being treated like this!"

"She ain't normal." Jecka says, making Darkness clasp her own mouth shut to stymie the moan.

"I demand you release this crusader from her bondage." The man says.

"Already did, she wanted to be seen like this." Nicole says, leaving the man stunned a moment before he pulls out his sword.

"Then I challenge you to a duel!"

"What? Are you kidding me? I don't even have a sword and a bow is shit at this range!"

"That is not my concern! I, Mitsurugi, as a Hero destined to slay the Demon King I will-"

"Oh God another weirdo from Japan…" Nicole groans.

"W-wait, you know-?! Now that I look closer, your attire is odd for this world."

"Like you need a reason to look closer?" Nicole asks and he looks away with a blush.

"T-that is not what I-" Mitsurugi freezes when Nicole steps closer with a smile.

"Shame…I wouldn't mind if you took a closer a look~." Nicole says and Mitsurugi drops his sword, sputtering in a response. Nicole grabs the sword handle and starts walking away with it.

"H-hey! You can't take that! It's my legendary blade and-" Mitsurugi stops when Nicole raises a palm to his face.

"Create water." She says and a jet of water shoots fourth, sending Mitsurugi down the street as a waterlogged mess, the liquid in his armor now encumbering his movements. Nicole leans the blade towards Jecka.

"Free shit? It's not even my birthday!"

"You cowards!" A red haired girl says from the side. Nicole flips her off and they continue on their way.

===

Nicole leaves the weapon store with a grimace.

'100k for that sword? Legendary my ass…Between this and the lake quest this will barely cover the first payment unless I want to try negotiating a lower rate with that guy. It'll take a week before those gators show back up and another quest is put up too…How the fuck is a dusty, doll infested manor with some of the wood rotting worth 4 million?' Nicole thinks before heading back to said manor.

"I wonder if they have a lottery here?" Nicole wonders out loud.