First Story. I'm an non-native speaker so constructive critic is welcome.
Celestial Forge Story...
Celestial Forge Story...
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Randomboemir | 5 |
Would you like me to beta read this for you I've spotted a few corrections I could make.
Also, what Forge are you using?
I really like the idea of a self-insert in the Star wars universe with the celestial forge power. But this story has some issues as it could be a lot better. The first issue I noticed was that the author seems to gloss over how other characters should perceive him and react to him. As one such example I can think of from the story would be when he told the lurem that he's from a planet that hasn't had any contact with the rest of the Galaxy. This should raise questions like how is he communicating with use ?? For the lurman. he also uses directly the term the force which is what the galactic Republic call it. as different civilizations have different trem for the force if they had discovered it in some capacity on their own and didn't have contact with the galactic Republic. So the fact he's calling it The Force flies in the face of the notion that he's from uncontacted planet. As from the lurman perspective his home planet should have its own term for the force. As there are several examples of this in Legends Star wars. Examples
View: https://youtu.be/A3FXw8MuyKo?si=QPm1QUmVXvRKo8mV
I also felt while reading this to the system seems to change itself too conveniently for the main character on the fly and I also felt that the celestial grimory and celestial menagerie we're kind of redundant. As it seems to me that those celestial power premises were created specifically to focus on a single aspect of the celestial forge within a story. The other thing I kind of thought that was redundant was force healing when the main character already had magic Skyrim healing which seemed like a better version of force healing and I was thinking to myself why is he wasting his time learning Force healing when he's got magic Skyrim healing which is a healing power that is probably good enough to regenerate lost limbs or at least reconnected them????????
Another thing I thought was weird was why the main character disconnected from the elder scrolls universe. The main character is supposedly got spooked because he got a perk from a daedra or aedra and didn't want them bleeding into the Star wars universe because it seemed he thought there weren't any beings that could challenge them in the Star wars universe. Which is weird because it seems like the author has a fairly deep knowledge of Legends. But doesn't seem to know about the celestials or ones or the bedlam spirits or the sith God.
View: https://youtu.be/VJ-nI9h_nNQ?si=av2e2sWsLGPNZOle
View: https://youtu.be/IlkUHIY_KdQ?si=3smjHwiHF4FFmumk
Last thing that comes to mind is that it feels like the main character is progressing a little too fast along the technology tree with little to no actual meaningful story progression. As in my opinion the best way to utilize an ability like this in a story is to have the MC's abilities grow as the story progresses but there's been a little to no progression of the story throughout most of the five chapters you've posted so far in fact there was no story progression in chapter 5 as it was just a giant info dump. Which is really bad in my opinion. As I kind of expected this chapter to be the one where Canon events would start taking place and he would meet Anakin Skywalker and they would see some of his non force abilities and assume assume they were Force powers from an uncontacted advanced Force using civilization and we'd get a little shock and awe from them seeing him use his hammer space. As I personally kind of think that you should just delete chapter 5 redo it like that as general overview. As chapter 5 was honestly awful.