Darkness (Naruto SI)

[Vajra]

I retract my statement. This is worse then "My Immortal" much much worse.

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Then I retract mine. I don't think you've read My Immortal. I'll be generous and believe that you may perhaps have read a TVTropes article about My Immortal or something similar, but there's no way in hell you've read the actual story itself.

 

[LandWhale172]

I don't understand all the cringe this story is getting. I think it has potential, and if the MC gets too cocky, someone like Rasa can just give him another smackdown to keep him on his toes. Plenty of easy ways to beat a user of hemokinesis.

 

[Epitome of Eccentricity]

It's pretty fucking cringe, but Tigran is just being an ass about it. Chill out dude before you get slapped with a rule 1

 

[mrttao]

well, for all the negativity. I am currently not too bothered by it, seems a bit crackish to me and I am looking forwards to the next chapter.

That is the exact opposite of constructive criticism. Have you forgotten which site you're on?

This isn't SB or SV. Don't kinkshame. The literary equivalent of torture porn is still valid for catharsis.

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despite the fact that the term "torture porn" has the word porn in it, when people use the term they do not actually mean to indicate that something sexual or pornographic is happening. (same with food porn)
you are thinking of guro, gorenography, or snuff porn. which are actual blending of pornography and the macabre. So far I have not seen any indication that the scenes in this fic were meant to be taken as pornography

 

[Tigran]

That is the exact opposite of constructive criticism. Have you forgotten which site you're on?

This isn't SB or SV. Don't kinkshame. The literary equivalent of torture porn is still valid for catharsis.

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This is constructive critisism.

Sometimes it's better to start the story anew with a more coherent plotline.

 

[StarWarsFan98755]

I retract my statement. This is worse then "My Immortal" much much worse. Burn this fic OP and start anew. Turn down the edge by 9000% and give your protagonist at least 2 brain cells instead of none. The protagonist reminds me of a incel school shooter.

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Well to be fair there's a reason why the fic is called darkness lol

 

[Atlanrom]

I like it!

 

[bluepencil]

This is constructive critisism.

Sometimes it's better to start the story anew with a more coherent plotline.

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What is a more coherent plotline? Can you explain how the current plot could be made more coherent?

"Do it better" is such a stupidly vague advice that it is useless. It's zero-effort nonsense. Show your work. There are problems in the story, all you have to do is to make the writer aware of them.

People can only get better from practice if they know what it is they are doing wrong.
Otherwise there is no choice but to do the same thing over and over again.
If you want to act like a badass writing guru, have the chops to follow through.

 

[Petrox]

I think what they say is that your OC has no redeemable feature or something to like about him. We can't comprehend his motivations and we can only speculate that he was/is an extreme edgy psychopath. We can only think that he is treated as the worst pariah of the village like some fics of Edgy Naruto that gets a massacred every birthday by the civilians. Readers will lose interest in the Mc if he can't be understood.He doesn't hesitate at all to kill. He doesn't think of consequences.

If you wanted a fast crackfic edgy muderhobo 20k words fic just keep going. If you wanted something more serious and lengthy, at this point, i think there is no sympathy and low investment in your edgy psycho dumb murderhobo. Not even his powers feels earned. He just mastered his powers in 1 day. What's his end game? Just murder everyone that sees him wrong? Make Gaara uchiha level edgy? Do a massacre competition with Hidan? Maybe he can get more investment if he was more cray cray, would justify his lack of vision.

 

[deimos16]

The first sight Kankuro is given of me is of me covered in bloodstains, following his father and uncle back to the Kazekage's tower. I...don't really remember ever wanting to do all that, but years of limited mobility as a mute infant is taxing on one's mindset. Killing agents of a man that would try to have his own son killed - and unrelated, my favorite character in this Universe - has a catharsis of its own.

I flex my fist and forearm, feeling the blood rushing down my arms and the arteries opening to facilitate the motion. It's a lazy, thick motion that feels like very much like stuck phlegm, but the flow itself is relaxing. Behind me, the ANBU tense, and I feel the blood flow to their arms as they move to restrain me if necessary. They needn't bother, I'm much too tired to do anything. Causing chaos after months of merely surviving in stagnance as a regular orphan is much more entertaining than anything else, and it actually fast-forwarded a goal of mine: get into the main plot.

Who cares if I die, anyway? I did it once, I can do it again. At least this time I'll have glory to my name than dying in some dank alley, stabbed my someone who no one will ever know.

Where was I? Ah, yes, Kankuro. Said boy isn't horrified, as I predicted - no, he's more fascinated, if anything, and I think that's a look of curiosity that he's shooting me. Huh. Didn't expect that - as far as things go, Kankuro was one of the more normal people from Suna. I use that term loosely, he was still carrying around dead bodies as puppets to fight other people in a morbid mockery of Pokemon, but he was one of the saner ones, at least.

Oh, the Kazekage's Tower has air conditioning. Just what is the technological level in this world? I haven't seen any cars, but there's aircon, televisions and radio? This is mighty strange. Then again, I can control blood now, so I don't have much room to talk about strange.

Yashamaru opens the door, and wait. Where'd the ANBU go? No, really. I can't sense their blood anymore - it's like they just up and vanished. I suppose they are the ninja Black Ops for a reason.

"Tasatsu!" I flinch. The sheer joy in Gaara's voice is disconcerting to hear, considering the ordeal I just had. It reminds me of...No, I'm going to forget that.

"Gaara," I respond, as warm and inviting as I can be, and I try not to act surprised as Gaara launches himself at me in a vicious hug. I feel a little off the sand on the floor seep across my skin, and I wince as the thin layer of scabbing across my front tears. I don't think it's going to be good for Gaara's continued sanity if his hug causes the only friend he has to bleed all over him, so I try my best to keep the blood inside. I push him down, with a wince, hoping to God that the blackness at the edge of my vision doesn't consume me. "It seems we're going to be brothers."

He goes wide eyed, staring at the taller red-head beside me. The Kazekage nods slowly, but makes sure to keep his face as blank as possible, as if showing some manner of warmth to his schizophrenic son is going to send him to Naraka. Fucking asshole.

Gaara, though, in a way strangely reminiscent of Naruto, doesn't seem to care. He merely grabs my hand, and drags me inside to the nursery.

Like most buildings in Sunagakure, it's not quite ostentatious. Even if this place belongs to the military dictator of a village, it reminds me of a regular home, if a bit large and spacious. Large mats are spread about, spread with wooden renditions of ninja tools like kunai and shuriken. A large arch leads out to a balcony, where I see Kankuro still standing, looking at me curiously. Understandable, I suppose, considering I acted familiar with his little brother.

"This place is nice." I comment, looking about the room. It's dreadfully bereft of anything that might give off that it's a child's room, but Rasa is reminds me of a crueler Fugaku for a reason, so this is in character. Trust him to turn his kids' nursery into a damn dungeon and replace the sharp things with wood.

Gaara picks up a teddy bear, but this time it has a wooden kunai in its stubby hand. "What's his name?"

He stops, looking lost. "I...didn't give him one."

I half smile, picking up the toy. "He's a shinobi, isn't he?" I say, holding out the wooden kunai. "All shinobi have names."

"Karasu," A voice pops up from the corner.

I look at Kankuro in the corner, who warily watches us. "That's a fucking stupid name. From what angle does this look like a damn crow?"

He glares at me, balling his fists. "Who do you think you are!? That's a great name!"

Ignoring the tiredness I feel, I grab the blood in his hand, and make him punch himself in the face. The sand rises in the room, and Gaara hugs his teddy close to his chest, retreating back to my side. I suppose Kankuro probably hasn't left the best impression on Gaara, what with the 'monster' comments, but it's really sad to see him take the side of someone he met earlier today over his actual brother.

"That's a dumb name, and if you think it isn't, then you're an idiot too." I say to the stunned eldest son of the Kazekage. Said son is still staring at his fist in confusion, as if it worked on its own. Which isn't true, because I caused that.

I walk over to him, making him stumble to the ground as I control the blood in his legs. I hold his face, flashing him a smile. "My name's Tasatsu."

"W-What?"

"You asked for who I was, didn't you?" I tap him lightly on the back of his head, before turning and facing a fist straight in my face.

The last thing I hear before I pass out is, "Kankuro-sama, are you alrigh- agh!"

 

[Maydae010401]

Love the idgaf psycho vibe you got going on

 

[HoboGrugSangriel]

The last thing I hear before I pass out is, "Kankuro-sama, are you alrigh- agh!"

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dumbass shinobi, you're in a room with two violence prone children that respectively control your environment and control the liquid coursing through your veins. If you're gonna try to incapacitate one you better be ready for the other.