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Fate/Supernal Blessing [SI, SFW MxM, Crossover with Mage the Awakening (NwoD/CofD)]

Reader mode
KenNM said:
There's the edit fuction for a reason.

Instead of just regurgitating exposition. Just have him convince the MC to go or something or if he does need to spout some exposition, keep it vague enough.

My advice? Get a beta.
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...

I don't know many people here, sadly. Do you know anyone who can get me a beta?
 
Well, it's easy to criticize things you didn't write yourself, but I'll try and be constructive.

The first two chapters really do come off as monologuing exposition dumps. The main character just kind of introduces himself and explains things he's already known for years, to himself for no real reason. That kind of pure exposition would work if it was like the first entry/entries of his journal meant for descendants who lack his literature background, for example. But for a "just another day in MC's life" it really feels forced.

Still, it's not necessary to explain everything in one go. You could spread bits of explanations as they come up/become important/relevant during the story.

I'm just spitballing from the top of my head, but for example he could come upon a situation where there's a minor problem that could be fixed with magecraft, him debating to himself between not wasting his magecraft on something so small as has been taught to him and just fixing the thing. If he did fix the thing, it could be an imperfect fix since magecraft spells are highly specialised in doing just the specific things or something, and while being glad he has a type of magic he can't help but still being a bit salty he didn't get an actual magic system like Mages.

But that example doesn't really fit 1:1 to the MC I think, since he comes off as a more happy go lucky than the example. But it's still an example of something different :V

The third chapter was nice, showing a day in the life of the MC and his parents.

And the fourth chapter kind of has the grandfather tickling the fourth wall to remind you that it's a written fictional story.
Instead of just bluntly using terms like "self-insert", maybe use something like "parallel world reincarnation" or "souls originating from worlds with Kaleidoscopic bleed through" or some magibabble like that. He's a magus after all, not an aficionado of online fan literature :V

For questions and discussion about Nasuverse stuff, I'd recommend the NSFW Nasuverse ideas/discussion thread. Likely has more life than the SFW thread, if there even is one.

Anyway, interested to see what the future brings.
 
heralding_bubble said:
Well, it's easy to criticize things you didn't write yourself, but I'll try and be constructive.

The first two chapters really do come off as monologuing exposition dumps. The main character just kind of introduces himself and explains things he's already known for years, to himself for no real reason. That kind of pure exposition would work if it was like the first entry/entries of his journal meant for descendants who lack his literature background, for example. But for a "just another day in MC's life" it really feels forced.

Still, it's not necessary to explain everything in one go. You could spread bits of explanations as they come up/become important/relevant during the story.

I'm just spitballing from the top of my head, but for example he could come upon a situation where there's a minor problem that could be fixed with magecraft, him debating to himself between not wasting his magecraft on something so small as has been taught to him and just fixing the thing. If he did fix the thing, it could be an imperfect fix since magecraft spells are highly specialised in doing just the specific things or something, and while being glad he has a type of magic he can't help but still being a bit salty he didn't get an actual magic system like Mages.

But that example doesn't really fit 1:1 to the MC I think, since he comes off as a more happy go lucky than the example. But it's still an example of something different :V

The third chapter was nice, showing a day in the life of the MC and his parents.

And the fourth chapter kind of has the grandfather tickling the fourth wall to remind you that it's a written fictional story.
Instead of just bluntly using terms like "self-insert", maybe use something like "parallel world reincarnation" or "souls originating from worlds with Kaleidoscopic bleed through" or some magibabble like that. He's a magus after all, not an aficionado of online fan literature :V

For questions and discussion about Nasuverse stuff, I'd recommend the NSFW Nasuverse ideas/discussion thread. Likely has more life than the SFW thread, if there even is one.

Anyway, interested to see what the future brings.
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...

This is a good idea - I like this!
 
Chapter Five
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    • Chapter Five

    When Father was allowed inside Grandfather's study once more, he was still fuming as he said to him, "I know you're used to getting your way. But be warned, if Daniel gets hurt because of your plans -"

    "You would find a way to flay me alive," Anastasios said coldly. "Either way, I still expect to see Daniel in three days."

    Father took my wrist and stormed off - I can understand how he didn't take it well, and so I stayed silent lest I wound him further. Once we got back to the car Grandfather had sent to us (Father had his own car, but it was a cheap model), Father closed the door and looked at me, saying, "Daniel, if you're not okay with this -"

    I impulsively hugged him, saying, "Don't worry, I will be. Just remember, I love you and Mom, okay? That will never change."

    In Mage the Awakening (as opposed to Ascension), Prime wasn't just control over Mana, enchantment, and the occasional counterspell, it was also about metaphysical truth. That meant that should I want to, I can infringe on Mind Magic's domain and make people believe an objectively true statement as long as it is objective truth and I know it.

    Why did I just exposit that just now? To emphasize that I did not need to do so - My parents love me enough to trust me when I say things like this.

    Father - No, Dad - Pats me on the head, saying, "Be strong, Daniel. I don't know what Grandfather is planning, but stay strong."

    I smile warmly at him as the car's chauffeur drives back home. Yet I knew that he's not the only one who would be saddened by my departure...

    ------

    And indeed, Mom was not happy.

    "That. Old. Man!" she said in a livid tone as she, dad, and I stood in the now-empty lobby of the family restaurant (we closed early). "Taking our son away from us just because his cousin decided to go off somewhere - Wait, where did Asriel go again?"

    Father repeated the fake story meant for Nonmagi, "He went off to Romania to become a painter. Apparently, he wanted to pursue art and not the 'family business'."

    "Typical," Mom fumed as she clenched her fists, "Anastasios Palaiologos only cares about himself with no thought of the consequences to us and our family. At least Daniel gets visiting rights to us, right?"

    "Yes," Dad reassures her, "Father isn't a complete monster, after all - We get to see Daniel once a week."

    "Thank God for small favors," Mom said before she turned to me, "So, sweetie, are you okay with this?"

    I look at her, then give a small sigh, before blurting out, "I wish I was. But to be honest, it's not that bad - Grandfather won't hurt or abuse me, after all."

    Because I am more powerful than he is. Because I am more powerful than any Magus here and have access to powers which come from something which transcends the so-called Root just as the so-called Root transcends the mundane world.

    I must have scowled, because my Mom walks over to hug me, saying, "I wish this didn't have to happen..."

    Leaning into my Mom's hug, I lightly pat her on the back, before saying, "I'm a big boy now, Mom - Don't worry about me. Besides, I still have three days to pack, right? Let's make the most of it."

    The confidence in my voice has no supernatural or metaphysical force, yet it calms Mom down anyway. It was then that I vowed I'd return to her and Dad, come what may...
     
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    • Chapter Six
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    • Chapter Six

    Three days pass in the blink of an eye, three days of bittersweet happiness. At the end of the third day, Grandfather's Limousine drives by, ready to take me away. I hug my parents one last time, trying to restrain tears, and then I enter the car, trying to calm myself. After all, it may not look like it, but I chose this as much as I was chosen for this - This was my decision.

    Grandfather is sitting beside me. I must not show weakness. I must at least look determined and resolute.

    "You are not deceiving anyone," Grandfather says to me. "A child who loves his parents, no matter how ambitious, would still lament being parted from them."

    "As if you'd know what having loving parents is like," I blurt out without thinking, realizing how ignorant that statement is too late.

    "I did," Grandfather said. "Without them, I would not have become the Magus I was. Magi are permitted to love their own children, after all... Many just fail to do so. Besides, I'm not taking you away from your parents permanently - Your own decisions might do so for me eventually, though."

    The gall! I clench my fists and open my mouth, but I hear the truth in his words even though he does not have the power to put metaphysical force behind it.

    "How do I learn to be less rash, then?" I ask, the faintest note of pleading entering my voice. "Because I don't want to lose those I love."

    "You can start with not viewing me as an inhuman monster just because I am amoral," Grandfather says coldly. "Amorality can sometimes serve moral ends."

    To fume, or not to fume? Wait, trick question, so I change the subject.

    "The journals you spoke about earlier are in the mansion, right?" The journals were allegedly from previous generations of Self-Inserts, journals that detailed their original realities and the powers they received from other cosmologies. And also the intrigues of ASBs/RoBs/Oracles as they engaged in multiversal shenanigans with their 'pawns'.

    You're more than just a pawn, Daniel, the Oracle's voice spoke to me.

    I ignored him as Grandfather answered, "Yes, yes they are. Also, I might have to teach you some of the Family Magecraft just to make appearances stick, as well as transfer a portion of the Family Magic Crest to you - Not that the power there compares with the Magic you now have, but you will need it to keep up appearances."

    "And what is the Family Magecraft, Grandfather?" I asked, barely able to restrain my curiosity.

    "Why, making members of our bloodline irresistible to Phantasmal Beings or their Mixed-blood descendants, and thus able to... Persuade them to give us their gifts," Grandfather said. "This, by the way, may have been what attracted 'parallel world reincarnations' to our ranks, not that I have any complaints about that."

    "That actually sounds cool when you put it that way, Grandfather," was my response before I go back to waiting for the car to reach the mansion where I was supposed to spend the next couple of years in.

    ------

    I was allotted my own set of rooms, including a bedroom larger than my parents' entire restaurant. My personal effects were already brought over from home - I will continue thinking of the restaurant as my real home for as long as possible - And I was left to myself for a few hours. What did I do first? Read the books on the nearby bookshelves? Do some inner meditation to advance my budding, but not fully-mastered, powers?

    Nope, I decided to test out the shiny new game console (this was 2002 so it was a PlayStation 2) and begin playing some Final Fantasy X. After a few hours of that, one of my Grandfather's servants called me down to dinner. Going down to the lavish dining hall, with one of those long oblong tables that had white silken tablecloths, I expected to find myself dining alone with my Grandfather as we discussed further actions against the Yggdmillenia Clan as well as how to prevent trouble from the Mages' Association.

    Needless to say, this expectation was immediately proven wrong, as beside Grandfather sat a young man of about my age, one who instantly set off a 'sixth sense' within me. This guy had powers similar to what I have (and was cute too)!

    "Greetings, Daniel," Grandfather said with the faintest smugness in his tone of voice. "Let me introduce you to Leon Kommenos of the Kommenos Family, one of your fellow 'Parallel World Reincarnates'. He has power over Death and Matter, and the very basics of talent over Mind, meaning he can fill in for some of your weaknesses."

    La86o3J.png

    Custom Art I paid for. Now Leon.
    ​

    I blink once, twice, before I remember something from my old life. An online friend on Discord. One who shared the same 'preferences' I did and didn't shame me for them. Someone who trusted me enough to have a voice chat with, and even the occasional video call. And now, he is here, much younger, but so am I.

    He looks at me, smiles in recognition, then says, "DanDan, I'm happy to see you again."

    "Glad we can finally meet offline, Leon," I say warmly before the implications settle in my head.

    Oh, crap - He died as well, didn't he? My Online Best Friend died at some point after I did. Before I can express my grief over this, Leon sighed and said, "Yes, I died. It wasn't pretty, too - Pandemics suck. I did get to see your parents before then, though. Your original set of parents, I mean."

    "How are they?" I blurt out. My original parents were just like my Mom and Dad in this world - Good Parents. But unlike what I am now, I didn't try as hard as I should have to be a good son.

    "They miss you, DanDan," Leon said simply. "But otherwise, they are well." He pursed his lips and said, "I'm glad you still remember them - Let's face it, every other conversation we had in our former lives was you complaining that your parents were pressuring you to get a job and stop being a shut-in."

    Grandfather was giving me a mild glare. What, he was expecting my past life to be something other than a stereotypical Otaku? Well, time to establish facts.

    "I've learned to appreciate my second life," I say firmly, then gather my powers of Prime to endow my words with metaphysical, Capital-T Truth. "I am no longer the person I was - I've spent sixteen years trying to fix my bad habits. I've learned to appreciate work and play in equal measure, and I will not shame my new family like I did the old."

    The supernatural, transcendent force behind my words fades as I begin eating the food set before me, starting with some shrimp appetizers. My Grandfather and Leon stay silent for the next few minutes, and I use that time to relax my stirred-up feelings...
     
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    • Chapter Seven
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    • Chapter Seven (Incomplete)

    "So..." Leon says next, "The Oracle told me you plan to seduce Caules once you both turn eighteen."

    I almost do a spit-take, but that'd be a waste of good tea, "They snitched?!"

    Leon nods in confirmation and says, "Has that plan changed now that you know I'm here?"

    "You were the one who wanted to 'keep things professional' back in our former life," I retort. "Have you changed your mind?"

    "Now that I'm competing against Caules - And I presume Sieg once he is created - Of course, duh!" Leon says. "I know you better than they would, and we both know that you're not good at this 'flirting' business. So why don't we just get together?"

    I look at Leon and see that he was even handsome than he was in his - our - old life. The decision was made.

    "Sure. Does this count as our first date?" Was my response.

    Grandfather was rolling his eyes, muttering something along the lines of, "Randy teenagers..."
     
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