Gaming Stories, Video and Tabletop

[Mad Oracle]

To set the scene, I was playing a Chaotic Neutral Bard who had a fetish for stabbing things, my friend was playing a Half Elf Ranger, there was an Orc Cleric, and finally we had a Dwarven Sorcerer on our side.

We were just captured by the BBEG, and there was a young guard watching the cell. Now for most of the campaign, Percy (my bard) was pretty much killing and seducing his way through the corrupt nobility who were planning to overthrow the king and establish a theocracy dedicated to a War God. There was only one guard at our cell, and instead of strangling him through the bars I decided to talk to him.

He was actually kind of nice, a young half elf from the slums named Marcien. Marcien had accidentally knocked up his childhood friend and now was forced into working for her parents in order to pay for a dowry, only to end up tangled in this mess. The worst part was when he couldn't see his fiancé, only receive letters from her that had been read by her parents.

Percy asks him why does he work for them, Marcien could earn a lot more by working with Percy's team.

The Half Elf is listening, and after some rolls in charisma he lets us go and gives us our stuff. After grabbing my lute and sickle, I hear that the Dwarven Sorcerer is saying we should kill him for no witnesses.

Me (IC) : I wouldn't do that if I were you.
DS (IC) : And why not?
Me (IC): Because if you do, I shall rend the skin from your flesh and leave you in such agony that the Gods above would cry out!

The party quickly agreed not to kill the Half Elf, and Marcien gave us a map of the castle we were in. Turns out it was the family estate, and his fiancé's room was close to the exit. I was feeling charitable at the time, and since Marcien had warmed up to me I gave him the map and all of my money. I then gave him a speech before leading the party to the war god's cultists, ready to defend Marcien's world.

Spoiler: Here's the Speech if anyone's interested

Marcien, if there is one thing I know it is the cruelty of life. How it takes, and takes, leaving nothing for any to have. I was once like you, a man with a wife and child on the way. That was taken from me years ago, and now only the shattered remnants live on. What I want for you Marcien, is for you to go out into the world with your lover beside you. I want you to hold her close, to treat her like she is your shining light and sacred darkness.

Do not fall into the same pit of madness I have found myself in, for the only direction you can go is down.

Instead, you will live the life I never had. You will do so much more, learn more than I could ever hope to know. Now, go out there and live your life. I'll be here, giving the final song in my story.

But yours...Your story has only truly begun.

Anyways, we finally make it to the BBEG and find out that they just sacrificed themselves to summon the War God's avatar. Our Ranger is missing his legs, our Cleric is busy healing him so he has a chance to survive, and our Dwarven Sorcerer is using every spell he can on the War God. Then, there's Percy the Mad Jester/Bard. He's bleeding out, right arm broken and his left eye's missing.

The War God start's to gloat about how we're pathetic for even showing up, and I've gotten a bright idea after checking my inventory. I've got a flask full of flammable liquid, a torch, and I can engage the War God in close combat.

Me (OOC) : I throw the flask's contents into his face.
GM: Really? Are you sure-
Me: Yes.
GM: Alright, roll for it.

I roll a twenty, which blinded the War God and I was still standing.

After blinding him, I strike him with my torch and tackle him. With both him and Percy on fire, the Mad Jester begins to go hog wild on the War God's face with a Sickle. It takes a turn for the worse, as the floor beneath us gives out and we're now on fire and approaching the floor below us. Since Percy was going to die in the fall, I decided to do something both incredibly stupid yet awesome.

With some maneuvering and lucky rolls, Percy is now riding the War God's back and planning to drive the War God's head through the floor. When we impact the ground, we actually broke through it another time. Problem was, Percy was near dead at one point, with only enough time to say his final words and one more action. Surprisingly, the War God was still alive, if just as close to death as Percy was.

"A worthy try, but a futile one nonetheless." With only one more trick up my sleeve, I pull out something I'd been saving since I found it. My final words were simple, short, and to the point.

"It seems...My final act is finally reaching its end."

Percy pulled out a scroll, which our GM had scattered through the campaign. Due to house rules, they were able to be used by anyone. But were more effective in the hands of those more attuned with magic, and I had one that could potentially end the War God right then and there.

I forget the name of it, but it collapsed the summoning chamber's ceiling on top of both Percy and the War God. Thus the tale of Percy the Mad Jester had been ended, and his allies left the castle licking their wounds.

 

[CptTagon]

Me: Where the fuck is Victor Lowe [the villain of the campaign]?
Varzy: He's over there. Prone. Defenseless. Beaten.
Varzy: Remember, this is the man who caused all this chaos. He killed innocent people. He hurt your girlfriend and ruined her life.
Me: Trust me, it's been in my mind.
Me: I'm gonna stab this motherfucker with my new magic rapier, "Mockingbird". If I attack with a one-liner, I get to also cast Vicious Mockery for free.
Varzy: What's your one-liner? Your killing blow?
Me: "It seems that at long last………..you've been brought Lowe!"
Varzy: Roll for it!
Me: [fucks up the roll] Hmm.
Varzy: Hmm.
Aaron: Hmm.
Beed: Hmmmm.
Duch: Hmmmmm.
Nico: Hmmmmmmmm.
Rizz: Hmmmmmmmmmm.
Me: Okay but I can still cast Vicious Mockery
Varzy: He, ah, he resists it.
Me: WHY DOESN'T THIS MAN WANT TO DIE
Varzy: Roll deception.
Me: [nat 20]
Varzy: You make it seem like you missed on purpose, but last minute changed your mind and spared his life. Victor falls for it, and starts crying, and says, "Okay! Okay! I surrender!
Me: Yeah!!! I meant to do that!!!!!
Me: I'm definitely not going to kill you because, you surrendered, and I'd be killing you in cold blood, and I'm not sure I can do that with my alignment!!!!!
Me: Fuck! FUCK!
Nekstrik

 

[Lucky-38]

I've got a fun one. I'm starting a D&D campaign within my family. My brothers are playing, and so are my parents, but so far only my older brother and my mom have made a character (and my Dad said he wanted to be a Barbarian but we didn't get to him today.)

So, we've got my dad as a Barbarian.
My older brother is an elven rogue named Prometheus who's going to specialize in assassination.
My little brother hasn't made a character yet, but he's got a murderhobo personality.

I just about assumed any semblance of wider diplomatic plot would need to get flung out of the window, when my mom made her character.

Now, my mom is a wonderful woman. She's sweet, kind, almost never gets angry, and once went 20 years without saying a swear word.

Her character is Korinn, the 300 pound 6'8 Dragonborn Paladin. Reason given?

"I've kept ya'll from misbehaving for your whole lives, and I'm not gonna be stopping now."

 

[shadowdice]

So this post is due to one in the exalted discussion thread about how mortals trained/used by Exalts are considered extensions of them.

This makes me think of the time where my warlock managed to get major points with a patron due to convincing an entire village to burn another to the ground and kill the people in it.

GM: Yeah, those villagers were basically just your murder weapon. It counts.

Also you made me laugh.

Click to shrink...

That sounds like an awesome story. I would love to hear more

Click to shrink...

For context of this scenario here is some background.

This was the first DnD game of a bunch of my friends with only myself, the DM, and I think one other person having played it before. We had another member who played with us originally but dropped out.

DM: Okay, so we are all going to roll several d6s on our stats and choose the classes.

Friend 1 (Henceforth Known as Pirate): *All his stats end up as 19s or 20s after using Half-Elf racial bonuses* Well I'm starting out as a fighter, but I will take some levels in rogue later. The background I chose was Pirate. *Is Chaotic Neutral*

Friend 2 (Henceforth known as sword): I am going to be a rogue *says he is Chaotic Neutral and made a deal with the GM to be a sword that possesses the bodies of others. The amount of stealing, murdering, chopping up the bodies of shopkeepers and their families, and other behavior made the DM list him as Chaotic Evil* *He rolled the worst stats out of all of us* Oh he also took some levels in ranger

Friend 3 (Henceforth known as Monk): I am going to be a human monk. *Was originally Chaotic Good, but the first combat encounter we had ended in him trying to throw alcohol on a bunch of burning people to make them burn faster. Then he also steals, gambles, cheats people out of money, lies to get people killed, spends exorbitant amounts of money to indulge himself, and plots to steal holy relics. So the GM listed him as Chaotic Evil* *20 in wisdom and strength* Another part of his religion was sadomasochism where inflicting and receiving pain were religious rites that they continuously did. Also the character apparently enjoyed it a lot

Me: I am going to be a Changeling bard, and later take levels in Warlock for Eldritch blast *Have 20 in charisma and Dex*

For the Warlock my Patron ended up being the Archfey, which in this case ended up being a faceless being from the Shadowfell called Eldar who requires the sacrifices of the faces of others as a ritual rite as part of the pact. In this universe she created the Changelings so she is basically the god of them in a manner similar to how Lolth is the Drow's weird abusive mother.

For a very large section of the campaign we ended up more or less trapped on an island that has underwent a ridiculous amount of weird bullshit.

1. Used to be the base of a psychopathic cult of evil paladins that worship a god that loves torture and drugs. Their normal activities include capturing their enemies and beating them until they join them and then continue doing that and other stuff to brainwash them and "purge weakness" while constantly high on drugs. This cult basically imploded and their grandmaster became a ghost that wanders the halls of their castle killing everyone who goes there.

-Oh, and their god is a Lovecraftian abomination so the castle also has a coven of hags who can summon aberrations and other stuff.

-Also many evil underwater species have joined up with them to eat the populace like cattle.

2. Several decades ago a weird plague infected many towns that turns your insides into fungus and turns you into an insane cannibal monster to consume the flesh of others in an attempt to replace the fungus that your insides have turned into.

3. The hags have been growing a pink slime on the island that mind controls you and mixes with the previously mentioned fungus that makes it so you instead turn into a slime monster.

4. There were also a bunch of necromantic zombies from a curse.

5. All of the various diseases and curses made it so many of the towns went batshit crazy including one where all the people were ritualistically cutting off their limbs and organs and replacing them with metal. This made it so they were no longer infected.

6. A ghost ship which has a bunch of evil fish people, slimes, and slime zombies with tentacle heads has been sailing around the island to keep anyone from leaving.

So the cyborg village hired us to destroy the ghost ship.

To facilitate this I used multiple performance and persuasion checks to convince the town to help us and get the local alchemist to help me make a ridiculous amount of Alchemist's Fire flasks so we could get onto the ship and use them to set the entire thing on fire.

We ended up rowing two boat there with a few helpers and didn't see any of the enemies. After a quick search we found several people who had been kidnapped and held there (they were a few humans and a female kobold blacksmith...the kobold was weird and obnoxious OC that Sword made up....he's kinda become a Scaley but keeps insisting he's not and accusing us of projecting when we point it out)

Anyways once we freed the prisoners we started setting up the Alchemist Fire's bombs when the crew of lovecraftian pirates showed up. This also included a giant gelatinous cube. We hadn't managed to set all the bombs at key points yet, so we ended up dropping several where they were

Sword: I'm going to dive at the cube and stab it.

Me: Please no.

GM: *Rolls* Well the Cube showers you in acid

Sword then started yelling at us to save him while everyone else was busy fighting the pirates.

Me: I'm going to start trying to put a fuse on the bombs so we can set them and run to the boats.

GM: Okay.

Me: Setting the fuses.

After several rounds of combat we managed to get the first wave of pirates KO'd

GM: Okay so you see the next set. This includes a Sahuagin in a pirate captain's outfit, and several more gelatinous cubes and slime zombies.

We devolved into arguing about how to get the fuses to start and if anyone needed to stay behind because we might not have enough time to light the fuses and get the boats to go off if we have pirates getting involved. This is on top of the fact that due to the placement of the bombs we weren't sure if it would actually go down unless we took more time.

Me: Sword you are literally immortal as long as the weapon is intact. You can light them while we go and I can just dive down later to find you. I have a spell to breath underwater.

Sword: I'm not sacrificing myself.

Me: Fine, I'll use one of my spells to get one of the helpers to do it.

Sword: What? No. I won't let you do that.

Me:...Because?

Sword: It's wrong.

Me: ...You are a bodysnatching sword who ruins the lives of others, and butchered and elderly couple because you thought they didn't pay you enough when you offloaded a bunch of junk on them.

Sword: I'm not letting you sacrifice anyone else.

Me: Okay, so you are lighting it.

Sword: ...No?

At that point the GM told us that the kobold had stolen one of the boats and was currently rowing away from us. Also with the amount of people we had found here it was unlikely we could manage to all squeeze into the other rowboat and escape.

Me: Fuck it I am lighting the fuse and jumping off the deck.

Pirate: That bitch just stole the boat.

Me: Can I aim and shoot it?

Pirate and I then failed our attack checks, set the fuse and got onto the other rowboat.

Despite having like ten people we managed to just barely squeeze into the boat, piling on top of each other and the like and having to make checks to get out before the other ship started burning. The Sahuagin managed to escape, swimming underwater while the rest of the crew eventually sank with the ship.

Monk: Huh, if I spend a Ki could I jump across from the other boat?

GM: *Checks distance* Yes.

Monk: I'm going to do that and use flurry of blows. *Crits acrobatics check the GM had him make due to jumping from boat to boat on unsteady water. And then crits on his hit*

GM: Your fists all hit her in the head, cracking her skull and sending blood everywhere as she falls off the side of the boat and starts to sink.

Monk: I'm going to row back over to the rest of you.

Sword: No! Retcon that.

GM: No.

Sword: I'm going to dive in and save her.

I started checking things about how fast the body would be sinking versus his swimming speed. But the end result was that Sword could not swim fast enough to reach the kobold. And started asking if he could stab her with the sword and possess her.

GM: I don't think you could reach.

Sword: I throw it.

Me: You are throwing a sword...underwater...downwards.

The GM just let him do that, and he did succeed on the check to possess the kobold.

But the kobold was drowning, bleeding out, unconscious, and sinking. So Sword was unconscious, as was his body from earlier

Pirate: Well sword is dead.

Me: NO!

Sword: Wait, I can survive this right?

Me: His body has a bunch of magic items and gold!

Everyone else was silent for a bit as we realized that Sword still had a bunch of magic rings and potions on him.

Monk: I dive in to save Sword.

Sword: That includes the Sword right, because that's me.

Monk: Yes.

Sword: And the kobold.

Monk: I am carrying an unconscious body and a sword, so I don't think I can carry two people up.

Later on the kobold was somehow retconned into being alive. Which made me think magic and weird necromancy was involved since we already had seen a lot of that.

Also she turned out to be some kind of ghost so that the GM could have us go through a weird quest line that Sword had insisted on involving his backstory.

We later fought the ghost paladin and learned about what the slime was doing, turning people into monsters in the service of a weird Outer God cult. I am being serious as the hags all had levels in the Warlock class with the Old One patron. So I did the thing any religious zealot would do.

I used my pre-established clout with the village along with a lot of religion, performance, and persuasion rolls to make it so the entire town, including the mayor fell into a religious fervor that caused them to start making even more alchemists fire and work to exterminate all of the infected villages. All of this was done after giving them instructions in how to avoid being mind controlled by the slime into trying to eat it. *If you stabbed someone infected by the pink slime it would ooze out and you needed to make a will save not to immediately try eating it. To avoid this you needed to use ranged or reach weapons*

And so our party watched as a mob of people with pitchforks, spears, club, quarterstaves, slings, and the like walked up to the other village. Immediately club the first person to try to talk to them in the head, and start pillaging it. Breaking into homes to drag infected people out of their homes, clubbing them unconscious or tying them up if the mob didn't just set the houses on fire while locking them inside so they couldn't escape. Built up a giant pyre in the middle of the town, threw the people on it, and then set that on fire while making sure to destroy the entire village.

Pirate: Well that's fucked up. I'm just going to sail away now.

Me: I'll also sacrifice the faces of some of the hags along with holy items of theirs that we had found.

GM: Well you level up. Which of the boons were you going to ask for again.

Me: I'm going with the Pact of the Tome.

GM: Well as the village, faces, and cauldron all burn you hear your God's voice in your head, saying that she is pleased. At that moment a black book written in Sylvan appears in your hands.

So yeah. That is how our group of technically Not-Pirates managed to turn an entire village into religious zealots who went around the island killing and burning people and monsters.

The sad thing is that from what I hear about other parties people who don't go out saying that their characters are evil tend to do some similar things.

Also at this point we were essentially an evil bodysnatching sword, perpetually drunken fight loving pirate, drunk sleazy cenobite who doesn't ever reveal the name of his god but will worship any god if it gets him ahead, and an evil shapeshifting preacher of a dark god.

Oh yeah. We also had a black book of evil that could summon up demons, devils, fey, and other either neutral or evil outsiders that requires the blood sacrifice of another sapient being and the use of a diamond to get it do to the summoning. The monk was really interested in getting it to function. At the time none of us knew the language it was written in though.

We sounded like the start of some team of ridiculous final boss bad guys you'd find in a fantasy story.

 

[mrttao]

Thanks for the story. Also wow Sword sounds obnoxious "its only ok when I am the one murdering people"

Me: I am going to be a Changeling bard, and later take levels in Warlock for Eldritch blast *Have 20 in charisma and Sex*

Click to shrink...

You added a stat called sex (which is not part of charisma?)? oh wait, did you mean dex? this is a hilarious typo for a bard

 

[shadowdice]

Thanks for the story. Also wow Sword sounds obnoxious "its only ok when I am the one murdering people"


You added a stat called sex (which is not part of charisma?)? oh wait, did you mean dex? this is a hilarious typo for a bard

Click to shrink...

For autocorrect keeps turning dex into sex for some reason.

 

[G.A. Kyoki]

I remember this one time my (re-)introduction into a campaign resulted in my character losing his leg practically instantly and almost dying as a result. It was an Only War campaign set in Space 'nam and my previous character died after stepping on a landmine I failed to notice while trying to flank the enemy.

I was quickly brought back in after writing up a new character and was promptly thrown back into the exact same firefight that I died in via Valkyrie as a member of another squad assigned as reinforcements...problem is, the Valkyrie was shot down by a hidden enemy with an RPG. The GM then cut the scene back to the original squad who got to see a Valkyrie smash nose-first into the ground and make a nice long trench. The medic got told to run over and see if anyone was okay and to heal anyone who wasn't.

Once he arrived he would find the Valkyrie in such a state that the Tech Priests back at base would weep if they saw it and that basically everyone inside was dead...except me, who had a piece of metal jammed into my knee which ensured I would never be using my ye olde Mk I leg ever again. Medic tries to take out the piece of metal and tries to convince me I'll be fine and my leg'll work once we're back at base. This is when I reveal my character is a Mute and I have to try and convey the message of 'Just cut off my fucking leg, Emperor damn it, holy shit this hurts, oh my god!.' Medic disagrees and says I'll bleed out and die if he cuts it off and I then just point at his Laspistol and back at my leg. Lucky for me he gets the message and after a few painful moments and him listening to my character demonstrating that, yes, Mutes can indeed scream (just not very well or loudly) I end up with a brand new cauterised stump for a leg and have to be carried to the rest of the squad.

During this time the squad is able to advance but they forget that I'm there so, in my infinite (32) wisdom (intelligence), I decide to crawl after the bastards. Unfortunately for me a local villager (Should have mentioned we were defending a local village to begin with) who apparently sympathised with the Traitor-VC decided to run up to me and start hacking away at what few limbs I have left with a machete. Unfortunately for me due to Only War melee combat rules, if you're prone you get penalties to dodging and parrying so I was basically relying on my Flak armour (which is a bit better than primitive armour) and my abysmal toughness bonus (A grand +2) to keep me alive since I couldn't call for help due to my distinct lack of a voice.

Luckily the GM took some measure of pity on me and had my "new" Squadmates roll awareness and the leader of the squad managed to pass, resulting in two of my squad coming to rescue me from Farmer Jim.

Once we got out after dealing with the Traitors I was hauled off to the medicae tent and my squadmates managed to requisition me a normal-craftmanship Bionic leg which gave me a +2 toughness bonus to my left leg. My Mute then went on to become the Squads sniper after I got myself a Longlas, became the Commissars informant, taught two squadmates how to speak Sign Gothic (My made up term for Sign Langauge in 40k), got into a fight with a member of the Veteran Squad because the Medic pissed him off, threw a knife in said Veterans face, went to the Veteran Squad the day after to get my knife back from the Veterans face and eventually became the best shot in the regiment after upgrading my Ballistic Skill enough.

It was a great time. Still waiting on the GM starting the third season of the game.

 

[shadowdice]

So continuing some of the stuff I've shared about my old DnD campaign....there's been a lot of weird stuff

For context this came awhile after Sword temporarily GMed and did a bunch of railroading. Including anyone other than his PC having to roll a DC30 persuasion check to actually get the quest he wanted us to have from a paladin in a weird sadomasochistic cult.

This resulted in said quest giver trying to attack me for talking to him.

Anyways after that we had to deal with endless waves of zombies until a necromancer came with his own zombie army to kill them, so we had to explain it all to our normal DM once he was back.

Spoiler: That time things became a weird hentai

DM: Well Monk barely pays attention and Pirate isn't here for a neutral opinion. By the way I will be controlling the paladin so you won't be dealing with that personality. Sword, you can control the necromancer for a bit.

Sword: Haha, I control life and death.

DM: What?

Sword: Well I'm a healer

DM: He's a wizard. Wizard's don't have good healing.

*More explanations and me being horrified that another of the Characters we'll need to be dealing with is a healer girl Sword made as his waifu that is the necromancer's descendent*

We end up going to the Wizard's place, which is a house made out of a giant tree.

Sword describes it, the necromancer, and his descendent. The girl looks younger than she is because 'magic'

Me: That isn't how it works. That kind of spell is super high level.

Sword: Well the necromancer did it

Me: The necromancer decided to keep his great-great granddaughter younger than she looks before she reached full maturity

Sword: Yes

*Bunch of interaction*

Me: Can we not let him roleplay a teenage girl.

DM: Yeah it is weird that you made one

Sword: What? she's like 25

Us: In no way do you have her act like that.

Me: I'm just going to warn the necromancer to keep Sword away from her since Sword is basically a predator given his obsession with using his power to possess a woman, and the leering, and everything else.

Sword: No, no. I persuade him

Me: You have 2 in persuade and deception I have 11 persuade. In no way do you win this.

DM: Sword, roll deception against Bard.

Me: *I get higher* I win

Sword: Well he doesn't understand-

DM and Me: ...Really.

Sword: Well he says 'ah, well don't worry'

Me: A grandfather/teacher would not be that calm after receiving that kind of warning.

DM: Oh yeah, by the way the Paladin asks the Necromancer for drugs and takes them.

Me:...

Monk:...

Me: Did you just add that?

DM: No, Sword had that on the sheet

Me: Sword, did you have to completely ignore the things that make this person actually fun in this campaign? If I had known the bloodthirsty cultist paladin was a junkie who spends every waking moment high or trying to get high he would be a lot more fun. *DM also plays him as a brusque person who jumps headfirst into situations rather than the obnoxious smug guy Sword had him be*

Monk: Can I have some drugs?

Me: Yeah what is available?

DM: No hallucinogens are in my books

Me/Monk: Damn we could have had the Hangover.

In short. The Paladin currently helping us is SNOWFLAME

Spoiler

*Later*

DM: So you are at the border of the town and a guard looks down on you. The necromancer explains things to let you in.

Sword: They are paranoid aren't you going to have them do something like strip?

DM:...Fine, he tells you to strip.

Me:

Monk: Yes.

M&M (Monk and Me): We roll performance

Me: Don't you have a quarterstaff?

Monk: I plant it on the ground so we can use it as a pole.

DM: The guard is horrified

Me: *19*

Monk: *12*

DM: And sexually confused by the fact that the leathery rockstar guy and ridiculously muscular monk are bizarrely sexy

*Jokes about spears as poles*

DM: The paladin removes his mask-

Sword: Don't you mean he asks if he can keep it on?

DM: He removes his mask and you see a beautiful man

Me: I analyze his face

DM: It takes 4 hours for you to memorize a face and he'll put it on soon

Monk: Damn you were close.

Me: Eh, with the DM playing the guy I don't want to kill him as much

DM: So at the center of the town is a huge well. A cleric in red is in the town and you see his beau-

Sword: You mean ugly and scared

DM: He wasn't from here so no.

Sword: And there isn't a well in the center there is a-

DM: Sword, when you gave me the document you did not specify that

Sword:....Oh

DM: When there are details you think are important WRITE THEM DOWN. So then. There is a well in the center of town. The villagers are all pale and scarred, some of missing limbs or are malformed. All of them are carrying around meat. The town is infected with a disease which makes them rot on the inside and breaks down their bones, but meat seems to slow it down. THey think pain does as well but it doesn't help.

*Later*

Me: Given these are basically partly undead people I am going to check out the well later.

Sword: No they aren't

DM: They have a disease which makes their bodies rot from the inside, go insane and crave meat. That is basically what the undead are like

Me: Zombie virus 101. Also, I ask the priest if he needs a suit.

DM: He says as a priest he doesn't need any and his outpost here means it is incredibly unlikely he'd need one.

Me: Oh, what god

DM: Athena. He went to the university-

Sword: Nerd

Me:...Sword, you do realize most clerics would go to one, especially one for Athena. Also wizards.

*End up rolling over 20 to fix people's clothes and explain things about fashion*

Sword: Well they are paranoid and distrustful so they'd be bored

Me: No.

DM: over 20 means they are engrossed *Have to explain the definition of that to Sword since he didn't know what it meant*

We went to the well while Sword learned the butcher is missing from the cleric.

Monk: I throw a rock down the well.

DM: It disappears into the darkness

Me: I light a torch, put it in the bucket, and lower it down

DM: You see the light getting dimmer and dimmer. Over 100 feet, 200, until you can't see it anymore

Us: What?

Me: Well....I guess we are pushing Sword down it.

Monk: Yeah. Besides he can't really die.

Sword: Wait what?

M&M: You aren't here right now

Sword: Well I'm coming

Me: *Looks at monk. He grins*

Me: I grapple sword and force him into the well.

Sword: No you don't!

Me: You have 9 strength, I have 15. You are below average and I am stronger than you.

Monk: I push Sword in.

Sword: No! I'd die.

Me: Your body would. Plus there should be water

*More arguing*

Me: We have adventurer kits. So we tie our ropes together

DM: Fine

Me: And we tie it around sword and throw him in

Sword: NO!

DM: You fall outside the town

Sword: What?

Me: I pull him back through and shout "What did you see"

Sword: The town

Me: Oh a portal

Monk: So it goes outside?

Me: I drop the rope

DM: Sword, you are underwater and a shark sees you

Sword: *Tries to scream but starts drowning*

Me: We keep pulling him out and back in

Monk: It's like Rick and Morty

Eventually everyone is crowding around the well as we keep sending Sword through it until the Necromancer jumps in followed by the Paladin.

Me: I guess we all go down and try to find them

Sword: *Insults me*

Me: I kick him off the rope

*More portal highjinks*

Sword: *Insults me again*

Me: I take out my knife and stab him

Sword: What are you a sociopath?

Me: You are a ghost and can't die

Sword: I still feel pain

Me: You are a ghost possessing random people. There is no way you have the moral high ground.

We all go through the portal at the same time and see a cave covered in pink slime.

Me: I pull Sword out. We should not let the one who constantly talks about perverted things anywhere near a massive amount of weird pink slime. This sounds like something out of a hentai.

DM:...Good point

Sword: What are you talking about?

Monk: Have you heard yourself?

Sword: We need to look for the butcher. A guy who is muscular, but fat. You know, big with a large protruding stomach of fat but has strong arms. Ugly face with scars, his skin is

Monk/Me/DM: You are describing a hentai villain. Especially fantasy ones

Sword: I don't know what you are talking about

Monk: Sword, you know what you are doing

DM: I am your roommate. Plus you are Asian

Me: Have you heard half the things you tell me? Besides you inserted a character specifically designed to be your waifu.

*More portalling around*

Eventually we find the Paladin and start looking for the butcher but we find more pink slime

Me: I go towards it to set it on fire

DM: Make a wisdom check

*Pass*

DM: As you closer you immediately want to eat it but go back.

Me: I throw the torch at it.

DM: It starts to burn but the slime eventually makes it go out

DM: *Rolls* the paladin fails and starts trying to eat it

Me: I pull him away

*Eventually we go into the cave and see more slime growing around dozens of kobolds*

DM: *Describes kobolds to those who have never heard of them before*

Sword: Oh those are cute. *Pulls up picture of animestyled rule 34 kobolds*

Me: Seriously, they don't look like that in this world and have some standards

*A few sessions from now Sword inserts the female blacksmith kobold he retconned into his backstory and the DM thankfully avoids the overly flirtatious personality Sword had written for her....the notes included the kobold not wearing underwear but Sword still denies that there was fetishism involved*

DM: You know you can actually be one in game now

Sword: I want my next character to be one!

Me: DM, why encourage him?

DM: So you see the Kobolds are eating the slime, just devouring it in their sleep like some kind of foodie drug addict

Me: Slime, growing out of nowhere, makes people addicted. IT'S THE STUFF (A monster in a movie. It looks like ice cream, addicts people to it, and then takes them over from the inside like a slime monster)

*Arguments about how stabbing people in their sleep should work. The DM decides it is only a surprise round*

We see the butcher deeper in the cave after going through a narrow spot

Sword: I stab a goblin in the head

*Doesn't manage to kill it*

DM: It is screaming and slime is pouring out of his body *Sword passes Wisdom save not to lick slime off the sword or the Kobold's head*

Me: I roll to stab *fail twice* huh

Monk: I use flurry of blows *Beats the kobold's skull in* *passes Wis sav*

DM: For a moment you wanted to eat your hands to devour the slime

*More rolls of murderizing everyone. NPC cleric is making fire explode out of kobolds while I blast holes in them, Sword stabs them, and Monk actually manages to punch one so hard its jaw rips off.*

DM: Hahaha, you could have just dragged the butcher away but you are killing them all for being there.

Sword: Wait what they were innocents?

Me: They are kobolds, they barely count as being like people

DM: Yeah, they breed like rats...actually more like grass. You can't kill enough to even keep any control of them. Adventurers are constantly killing them

Sword: No, don't be racist. They are people

Me: Would this count as genocide?

DM: No, just a massacre

Me: Or a progrom...well this got dark *roll to kill more kobolds who are addicted to the slime*

Monk: *Wakes up butcher*

Butcher: Huh *sees kobolds and takes out cleaver* Well guess i need to kill them for eating my product

Me: The meat was slime? FUCK it is The Stuff

Sword: Why are you all so horrible?

Me: You are a sword who possesses people and is using the paladin as a means to an end. Lying to him so you can eventually kill the ghost of one the guy who founded his order and is worshipped by them like a god.

Sword; With brotherhood and friendship he will understand

Me: You are lying to him. Plus your plan is like saying you can be friends with a Christian after killing Jesus right in front of him while tricking them into helping you defile his corpse and loot the body.

Sword: I can convince him

Me: You have +2 in the charisma skills

Sword: I run at the kobolds telling them to flee

DM: There are over ten of them, and you are running at them in a narrow passageway also they have slings

Me: Which are criminally below the damage they should do,

DM: Yeah. Also with pack tactics and the other stuff they have they all have advantage. So like 24 stones are flying at him.

Sword: *Is reduced to 7 health* I laugh and tell them-

DM and Me: You are basically dead

*Reduce the number to kobolds six with a lot more killing and the Paladin intimidates them to the point two flee and the other are submitting*

Sword: haha, brother now

DM: The Paladin says he is going to break them

Sword: What? No! We need to save them, give them the lighter hand.

DM: The trials of the cult will cleanse them, they will most likely die from it. I was six when I went through them myself

Sword: *Fails persuade check*

DM: So then, *Drags off kobolds*

Me: *laughing*

Sword: Why are you all monsters?

Me:...Are you serious? You are the worst of us

Monk: Yeah, you kinda possess people. And kill them, and rob them.

Sword: What? I'm a good guy. I'm chaotic good. You just aren't giving me chances to be good.

Even the monk who thought he was playing Lawful Good laughs at Sword

DM: You murdered that shopkeep

Sword: We retconned that

DM: No, besides you have voluntarily been horrible since the first session. Hell, Bard was more of a good person

For context. Back in the first session we encountered a weird mind controlling spirit which made an entire town go insane and kill each other. The only survivor was a woman who Sword wanted to kill for no real reason. Instead I gave her some money after looting the various stores in the area and tried to set her off to be an adventurer since I felt like it was a good backstory for a hero.

Sword: No way

DM: You tried to murder that woman. He gave her money

Me: Yeah, you kept telling me to put a crossbow bolt in her.

DM: *Describes chaotic good* So yeah, freedom and robin hood stuff

Me: And by possessing people you are robbing them of their free will to play along to your machinations.

DM: Pirate is the most moral out of all of you

Me: Yeah it goes Pirate, Monk and I are about even since I actively do horrible things, then you at the bottom.

Our group is really bizarre.

But yeah. A weird island of horrors and one of our members discovered a new fetish that he tends to deny he has.

I miss the times when our DM played a drug addicted paladin of a Lawful Evil god. It was hilarious.

 

[Blackgutter]

I started playing vampire dark ages as a salubri. It is pretty fun.

 

[Hangwind]

Okay, let me paint a picture: My group decides to play a Mutants and Masterminds campaign. Great! DM starts a campaign he calls Uneasy Alliances.

The basic idea is that our characters are from different organizations and groups, all of whom can remember the McGuffin, which keeps on making attack bots and deleting it's memory from the general populace.

I'm pretty sure it was a recycled WH40K concept honestly.

Regardless, we have three that chose to be heroes, two that wanted to be neutral, and me. I was a villain. Technology, specifically cybernetics were my specialty. I end up as a Hatchet Ham character, constantly doing the morally questionable stuff, but spouting corny one liners all the same. My catch phrase is "I'm the villain of the piece!"

We start our little adventure, and slowly start to learn that the artifact is actually being underutilized. There are a bunch of other blueprints in there and it can act as it's own factory. Suddenly, people are talking about what could be done with that kind of technology. And that's when the realization drops. I suddenly understand that once we beat the boss, there's going to be a mad scramble for the McGuffin.

So after that session and from then on, I contact the DM and start taking secret actions, figuring out what my "allies" can do, what resources they have, and what friends they can call on.

As it turns out, I'm screwed. One of the heroes is in the not!JLU, one is actually a diplomat from another planet and could call in their military, the last is part of a dynasty of Ultimate class heroes, one of the neutrals is essentially in MIB, and the other is a student of the Collegia Maledicta, a particularly nasty group of sorcerers. Me? I'm a B-class villain in a C-class evil league. I only have six friends and whatever mercenaries I can scrape together to rely on. I'm outnumbered, outgunned, and frankly, outclassed.

So I work on figuring out some way to maybe eke out an escape at the end, maybe even with the McGuffin if I can get the groups fighting each other.

This goes on for session after session, with me spending a lot of time messaging the DM with revisions to the plan and various things I want to do. Finally, we confront the boss. Epic battle ensues. All of us are hurting by the end, but we pulled it off. Majestic, one of the heroines, goes to collect the Control Core. I decide that this is the moment. I quickly roll an attack, getting a good success! My character jumps forward, deploying his hidden not! kryptonite weapon and slamming it into Majestic's back, crashing her into a wall with my signature cry, "I am the villain of the piece!" The DM begins to describe my teammates and mercenaries pouring into the room, and I look out...

Only to see five faces of horror. My DM starts busting a gut looking at us just stare at each other.

"Months!" He was almost laying back in his office chair at this point, " He's, he's been messaging me for months with plans and countermeasures and plotting to try to get this! He thought it was going to be a free for all, but none of you even thought about it!"

At that point he dissolves into laughter again, and the table erupts. Everyone is trying to figure out a way to stop me, but with Majestic's spine shattered and me having the numbers and freshness advantage, there's nothing they can do. Once the DM settles into occasional chuckles, the fight resumes and my PC rides off into the sunset with the most dangerous piece of tech in the setting.

I have to make a new character, because now we are going to have a campaign where we try to steal the McGuffin back from my last PC, even though he has taken over Venezuela and has many killer robots, a fortress, and a giant mech.

My group has told me that if I make another villain, they're going to do something very unheroic to me.

 

[cross_grave]

You glorious motherfucker, that is hilarious!

 

[Derek58]

Okay, let me paint a picture: My group decides to play a Mutants and Masterminds campaign. Great! DM starts a campaign he calls Uneasy Alliances.

The basic idea is that our characters are from different organizations and groups, all of whom can remember the McGuffin, which keeps on making attack bots and deleting it's memory from the general populace.

I'm pretty sure it was a recycled WH40K concept honestly.

Regardless, we have three that chose to be heroes, two that wanted to be neutral, and me. I was a villain. Technology, specifically cybernetics were my specialty. I end up as a Hatchet Ham character, constantly doing the morally questionable stuff, but spouting corny one liners all the same. My catch phrase is "I'm the villain of the piece!"

We start our little adventure, and slowly start to learn that the artifact is actually being underutilized. There are a bunch of other blueprints in there and it can act as it's own factory. Suddenly, people are talking about what could be done with that kind of technology. And that's when the realization drops. I suddenly understand that once we beat the boss, there's going to be a mad scramble for the McGuffin.

So after that session and from then on, I contact the DM and start taking secret actions, figuring out what my "allies" can do, what resources they have, and what friends they can call on.

As it turns out, I'm screwed. One of the heroes is in the not!JLU, one is actually a diplomat from another planet and could call in their military, the last is part of a dynasty of Ultimate class heroes, one of the neutrals is essentially in MIB, and the other is a student of the Collegia Maledicta, a particularly nasty group of sorcerers. Me? I'm a B-class villain in a C-class evil league. I only have six friends and whatever mercenaries I can scrape together to rely on. I'm outnumbered, outgunned, and frankly, outclassed.

So I work on figuring out some way to maybe eke out an escape at the end, maybe even with the McGuffin if I can get the groups fighting each other.

This goes on for session after session, with me spending a lot of time messaging the DM with revisions to the plan and various things I want to do. Finally, we confront the boss. Epic battle ensues. All of us are hurting by the end, but we pulled it off. Majestic, one of the heroines, goes to collect the Control Core. I decide that this is the moment. I quickly roll an attack, getting a good success! My character jumps forward, deploying his hidden not! kryptonite weapon and slamming it into Majestic's back, crashing her into a wall with my signature cry, "I am the villain of the piece!" The DM begins to describe my teammates and mercenaries pouring into the room, and I look out...

Only to see five faces of horror. My DM starts busting a gut looking at us just stare at each other.

"Months!" He was almost laying back in his office chair at this point, " He's, he's been messaging me for months with plans and countermeasures and plotting to try to get this! He thought it was going to be a free for all, but none of you even thought about it!"

At that point he dissolves into laughter again, and the table erupts. Everyone is trying to figure out a way to stop me, but with Majestic's spine shattered and me having the numbers and freshness advantage, there's nothing they can do. Once the DM settles into occasional chuckles, the fight resumes and my PC rides off into the sunset with the most dangerous piece of tech in the setting.

I have to make a new character, because now we are going to have a campaign where we try to steal the McGuffin back from my last PC, even though he has taken over Venezuela and has many killer robots, a fortress, and a giant mech.

My group has told me that if I make another villain, they're going to do something very unheroic to me.

Click to shrink...

Ok, that was some magnificent backstabbery. I wish I could like your post more than once

 

[Hangwind]

Decided to play 3.5 Binder. Get Zceryll. Tell my DM that technically the entry doesn't state a time limit on his summons, expecting him to slap me down.

DM nods.

First time I summon, DM reminds me-technically it doesn't say I control my summons either.

Campaign becomes a constant round-robin in our game store where people are told to act like the Eldritch horrors I just summoned for help. I have to convince them to help me, or at least stay in the general area.

It was a GOOD campaign.

 

[cross_grave]

Now this is an example of rules-lawyering on both sides done right.

 

[Dormin]

I suppose if anyone's curious I could tell the story of how my brother and I got into a fistfight over a co-op game once?

 

[shadowdice]

So here is another story from my tabletop experiences. This is the same party involving Monk, Pirate, and Sword

The Gangs Wants to Kill Each Other, Sell Their Souls, and Murder an Old Woman.

Spoiler: Weird shit

Day 1 of Sailing

We sailed past a coffin and Pirate immediately fishes it up to check on what it is. Due to the usual PC paranoia about murderous GMs we pour oil on it and have a torch readied to throw at it while having water barrels to control the flame if we need it.

It is night by the time we have it all prepared and opened to reveal that the coffin has a perfectly preserved corpse.

Me, Sword, and Pirate: VAMPIRE! We might become vampires.

Monk: I throw the torch on it.

DM doesn't let us stop him and we roll to pour water on it but all that's left is a charred corpse.

Me: My character screams to the Heavens

During intermission the DM laughed saying it was just actually tied to a banshee that was going to try to murder us by the morning. As we didn't fight it we don't get any XP
Day 4 of Sailing

A horrifying thing rips open the sky to reveal strange stars that we've never seen before, the monster's body is indescribable except for the fact that it has numerous tentacles that trail behind it as it flies through the air with no method of visible propulsion.

DM: Make intelligence or wisdom checks to keep your sanity.

All of us promptly fail the DC he set so Sword and Monk Pass out, Pirate is laughing in a fit of insanity, I am crying and sobbing on the floor due to understanding parts of what I've seen.
Day 5

We finally get to port on the fifth day and all of us start to try and get jobs.

Throughout the day on the ship I made disguises for everyone due to the fact that we were currently all wanted for multiple homicide. I am Micheal Jackson, Sword is Charlie Chaplin, Pirate is Yoko Oh No, Monk is a guy with a ton of moles (Would have made him a reference but he kept saying he wanted a harelip and I screamed no. Monk had refused to wear any disguise other than this)

We end up spending almost all our money for the week long repairs to the ship that it needs to be fully operational, and the supplies for when we are finally able to leave.

Monk then decides to con his way into getting a job due to his obsession with managing to use a demonic book that requires the ritual sacrifice of a sapient being to use so he can summon a monster into this realm. Somehow uses deception (A skill he doesn't have proficiency in, but rolled high in) to pretend to know about jewels so he can get work there for awhile in exchange for a diamond from the jeweler for the demonic book.

As said before Monks needs the blood of a person he kills and a person who can cast level 5 ritual for it to work. He is not a spellcaster. I try to explain this to him again. He refuses to listen (he also tried to trade a gem which was nowhere near the price of the diamond for it, but failed).

Pirate then gets a job at a butchery where the half-orc running it offers help with getting him jobs at the strange store chain that he and his brothers run.

Sword buys a fishing rod from an elderly man.

I play music while searching for someone to kill due to the GM ruling that for my Warlock abilities to work I need to sacrifice faces to my patron every once in awhile. Things got weird, and it wasn't due to me.

Pirate's first butcher event was a centaur.

Me: That is a sapient being! Is it even legal to do this?

Pirate: It's not Chiron so it doesn't matter. Oh I can give you the face.

Me: You didn't like slavers. This is murdering someone and selling their flesh as food without telling people it is centaur. How can you justify this for your character?

Pirate: Eh, I don't care. Want the face?

Me: That's not the point but yes.

I then ended up sacrificing the face to my god whose response is "Oh I haven't had one of these for awhile"

Monk goes to one of his sadomasochistic churches and tries to lie to his priest only to fail horribly.

Monk: I feel bad so I'm going to whip myself until I go unconscious.

Rest of us: Wait what?

GM: Roll for damage.

Monk: Critical success. "Oh yes, rub salt in the wounds!"

Day 6

We all wake up the sound of a horn blowing, and have to roll to figure out what is happening. I Roll nat 20 to recognize a ship which is coming into harbor. It is owned a famous pit fighter company's. The leader is like level 20 and an epic hero.

Also the water is rising super high for some reason.

Me: I don't know why the water is doing that but there might be a level 20 character here and I do not want to be here. I'm running

DM: At the same time as you manage to get out the door and into the street a massive sphinx bigger than the inn rises from the water and opens its mouth. Despite all logic as to how things should work two people walk out as the Sphinx lowers its head to the beach. They are a Commissar and his squire (traveling Inquisitor/Judges/Executiorss) exit and you hear the sphinx boom. "It is the time of Judgement!"

Pirate and Sword: WE RUN!

Everyone rolls stealth to hide and leave while the all the people in the town rise and walk to the shore in preparation to be judges. So we are also hiding from the massive mob of villagers who are all moving in one direction.

DM: Oh by the way Judgment is voluntary.

Us: You couldn't have told us earlier?

DM: Well it would look suspicious for you not to be judged when everyone else is.

We all do more rolls on our jobs and eventually Pirate decides to go pit-fighting so we go bet on her. Due to the fact that she is disguised I am basically by the edge of the ring doing stuff like giving her water and the like while secretly applying make-up and cleaning her face to keep the disguise put together. She wins most of the fights so we make good money.

Things then got a bit weird as I did information gathering and learned that someone in the town had murdered their child.

Me: Someone is getting sacrificed.
Day 7

Sword gets a huge fish in his roll

Pirate makes more money pitfighting.

We all cook up a plan to try to get hired by the pit fighting company since they might be able to pay off the cops.

Me: We use the magic drink dispenser on the boat to make 4 gallons of wine, I'll buy the most expensive wine in the town, Sword you go cook the fish!

Everyone walks to the ship of the Pit Fighter (DM explains he is a bard who used to be an adventurer) and social our way to the ship (while getting them to agree to potentially hire us)

Pit Fighter Bard: *Sees through our disguises* Oh you are those criminals who murdered those guys.

Me: Crap.

Bard: Are you a boy or a girl?

Me: Crap...It's complicated *He would see through any deception*

Bard: Oh a changeling

We end up getting him to pay off our bounties for eventually doing a mission where we see what is happening with an undead attack on another island. If we fail or try to run we die. Also die if we take like 4 weeks.

Sword: Haha I am immortal, sucks to be you guys *Out of Character*

Me: *Twitches* By the way dear Captain he is actually a sword not just the body. You should do something special to make sure he is bound as well.

Sword: What no I can't die. I possess him when he takes my hilt.

Me: He's level 20.

Bard: *Resists* Oh annoying. *Slams the sword so hard on the ground the gem his soul is in cracks*

Sword: Oh that was automatic I wasn't-

Me: He's lying.

Sword: Stop ruining it for me.

Bard: I will have the wizard make something special.

Monk: I would like my contract tattoo on my skull.

DM: Roll constitution

Monk: *Fails and passes out in pain*

Sword: *Fails and passes out in pain from binding curse*

Me: The contract works even if my shapeshifting gets rid of the tattoo right?

DM: I can make special ink that-

Me: Nonono, don't make a permenant tattoo if the spell works even without it. Just put it on the right shoulder.

Pirate: Left shoulder.

*Both of us pass the check and don't get knocked unconscious*

We then eat our giant fish and expensive wine with the Pit Fighter Bard.
-Next Week-

Adventures of the Murder-Music-Cultist

I do more music rolls and one for making a suit which was a NAT 20 so I get a bunch of money from that. After that I spend the rest of rolls on Gathering Information.

DM: It was actually 3 children that were all murdered.

Me: Oh God

DM: It is rumors. Also it was after their mother's husband committed suicide. The kids liked to play by the river so people are unsure if she did it.

Final Roll: Nat 20

DM: Yeah she did it *Went back on it until I reminded him it was a 20 and he explains it better*

DM: They threw her at the sphinx who took pity on her because she had not been in her right mind due to despair.

Me: Three children, why is it me that does the actual job of Justice?

DM: You are terrible.

Me: She killed all her kids, tonight she dies.

Sword and Pirate agree to help me since they don't want me caught.

GM: Everybody roll on stealth

Me: Nat 20

Sword and Pirate: Natural One

So I am hiding in her house as they try to stalk her. Pirate just runs straight at her and Sword breaks his leg in a ditch while the woman runs away. Since I have time I put a sleeping potion in her house's water jug.

The woman hides in her house, locks door, cries in front of a picture, and goes to sleep.

Me: I unlock the door for the other two enter.

We all got our weapons and deliberate how to do this. Eventually it ends with this:

Sword: I'm just going to stab her.

Me: Yeah I use the dagger to slit her throat.

Pirate: Oh God. I stab her.

Then we write a suicide note.

Sword: We should get a rope and make it look like she hanged herself.

Me: She hanged herself after stabbing herself in the neck three times with a daggers?

Sword: Oh, right.

Me: I'll just put her in a sack and throw the body in the river. Then we can write the note to say that she's going to throw herself in the river she drowned her kids in.

Then Monk kept doing unmonklike things.

Monk's Lying and Drinking

Monk: *Keeps rolling to bullshit even though he knows literally nothing about gems. Fumbles twice*

Monk: Wait can I have a signing contract with the Pit Fighter?

Us: Why would he do that?

DM: *eventually sighs since the Monk is still focused on the book* Fine he'll let you do that.

Monk: I start brewing beer and sell it *States an exorbitant price for his beer*

DM: No it is 5 silver.

Me: That's still expensive

Monk: *Fumbles last beer roll*

DM: They spit it out.

Pirate Adventures in Meatpacking

DM: You have to kill a bear.

Pirate: *Fails*

DM: THe Half-Orc boss kills it in one punch.

Next Day

DM: You have to kill an even bigger bear.

Pirate: *Rolls High*

DM: You kill it with one punch.

Me: Does the boss nod approvingly?

DM: Yes.

3rd Day

DM: He has you kill a wolf.

Pirate: Sorry wolfie *stabs it*

Last Day

DM: You see a python sized snake with no eyes.

Pirate: *Nat 20 to identify*

DM: It is a basilisk.

Pirate: What the fuck? *Rolls. Bonus pushes it past 20*

DM: You strangle it to death. The owner gives you extra money not to talk about the basilisk.

Pirate: Um...okay then.

DM: He gives you a letter of introduction for his brothers who also run Monster Meatpackers R Us (R Us and Monsters were in the name I forget the second word was)

Sword Fishing

Day 1: Nothing

Day 2: Okay fish. Eats it.

Day 3: Sea Weed

Day 4: Catches a fish the size of his torso.

Sword: I go to the man who sold me the rod and show it!

DM: He say's. "Ah, go bigger!"

Sword: I will.

DM: "I am getting old so I shall give you my rod." *Gives him a total of +7 to fishing rolls*

Me: Is this Animal Crossing?

Pirate: Is this Pokemon? Gotta catch them all?

Day 5

Sword: total of 25

Me: I use my Bardic Inspiration. *Get a 2*

DM: Roll strength.

Me: Bardic Inspiration.

DM:...You get a fish bigger than your body.

Entire town cheers and I roll to play music. We sell the fish and get the skin stuffed.

Sword: I will go back and fish again! 19+7=26

DM: Oh God

Me: Bardic Inspiration

DM: All the fishermen help you and the fishing line breaks as you pull out a fish the size of your boat.

Us: Wut

DM: The Pit Fighter Bard upstages your music with a 35 and buys the fish. The entire town celebrates as the old shopkeep cries tears of joy at the sight of the fish.

Town Pit Fighting

Everyone is constantly betting on the Pirate.

Third Day: I put 200 gold on it.

DM: Everyone laughs at you for doing something stu0

Pirate: *Rolls 19*

DM: So you get 400 gold

Last Day

Pirate fistfights the Commissar's Squire to a draw.
Sword: Why did you tell the Bard about my powers?

Me: Because I want you to be in as much danger as the rest of us.

Sword: But I don't want to die.

Me: And I don't want you to abandon us to save your neck

Sword: *Complains about how he wants his character to be immortal. Then says he wants to play a ghost if his character dies.*

GM: I am not letting you be a ghost.

Sword: Then I'll be an elemental.

GM: NO!

We ended up leaving the town after that, and Sword decided to start shit.

Sword: I will be the captain.

Pirate: I am the captian.

Sword: I roll to punch her in the tits.

Me: I roll and punch him in the throat as he says it *Nat 20*

Me and Pirate keep rolling to punch Sword as he rolls to punch us.

DM: You all take 19 psychic damage as the Pit Fighter Uses Vicious Mockery. "Stop fighting I don't want my investments to kill each other."

 

[cross_grave]

How the fuck do you get anything accomplished? And how the fuck Sword hasn't been broken yet? Cause fucking Hell is he a moron.

And monk continues to contribute nothing of value, I see. At least he's harmful only to himself.

Sword's fishing adventures were amusing, tho.

 

[shadowdice]

How the fuck do you get anything accomplished? And how the fuck Sword hasn't been broken yet? Cause fucking Hell is he a moron.

And monk continues to contribute nothing of value, I see. At least he's harmful only to himself.

Sword's fishing adventures were amusing, tho.

Click to shrink...

Over the course of the campaign we managed to

1. Find a sunken library and try to loot it (It later turned out that our employer was trying to kill us and set it to burn down so no one else would have knowledge of it, but we survived)
2. Save a group of village girls from an archfey (After repeatedly explaining to sword that no, he can't possess it, and monk used a game of chance we asked him not to do where he bet our lives and won)
3. Kill a halfling and a half-orc who were much higher level than us (The half-orc turned out to be brain damaged so we effectively bullied a disabled person to death by using a lot of psychic attacks and lying to people about what was going on to get villagers to help us beat them to death_
4. I previously put a story on here about our adventures in a really weird island where we killed a cult, a ghost ship, and a ghost blackguard
5. We had multiple arena tournaments that we won
6. We investigated a wedding disappearance which turned out to be a plot by a wizard to bribe us into working for him

Eventually the GM realized we kept not doing anything really related to the plot in about a year and set up a new game.

Monk actually tends to help a lot, just mostly in combat. Outside of it he is...

GM: You want to try to steal an ancient holy artifact?

Me: Do not steal. from the church of the war god!

Also

GM: The island you are on is actually a massive turtle dragon. People have been living on it for centuries due to it hibernating. All of the trees and grass and mountains just grew on top of it.

Monk: Maybe we can wake it up?

Me: And kill everyone?

Monk: yes.

Me: With us on it.

Monk: Nevermind.

 

[cross_grave]

This is a little like Konosuba, except everyone is a psychopath.

 

[shadowdice]

This is a little like Konosuba, except everyone is a psychopath.

Click to shrink...

We made several references that everyone is kinda evil.

Me Changeling: Evil faceless serial killer and cult leader who worships a vaguely eldritch goddess

Pirate: Chronic Drunkard and killer (actually the most moral of us) on a quest for vengeance against her adoptive father's killer

Monk: Insanely corrupt monk who latches on to weird things and defiles artifacts (We broke a sacred gem and then he snorted it)

Sword: Serial killer. thief, and kidnapper who routinely violates free will with magic (What I am referring to him forcibly possessing multiple people)

 

[mrttao]

And monk continues to contribute nothing of value, I see. At least he's harmful only to himself.

Click to shrink...

it is a monk, contributing nothing of value is a given.

 

[shadowdice]

it is a monk, contributing nothing of value is a given.

Click to shrink...

Well it depends on who is playing and what kind of monk it is.

Such as yesterday for me.

Spoiler: Is this Dark Souls or Darkest Dungeons?

As with my other stories it is the same general group (The player for Monk couldn't make it though) and we did a one shot with new characters.

GM: Okay everyone. You are all prisoners framed for crimes you did not commit. Due to the laws of the land you all agreed to a form of trial by combat. You are going to be sent on a mission into a locked down former prison turned palace turned prison that is haunted by ghosts and other monsters. All of the exits are sealed so you cannot simply escape on your own. Somewhere in the prison is an amulet that the heir to the family that once used this place as a mansion has decided he wants. You have to search the place for it, and come back to the front entrance to hand it over.

Me: Who turns a prison into a palace?

GM: A cultist.

Me: Fair enough.

GM: Okay, everyone show me your sheets

Pirate (Now Kensei): I am a male human kensei monk.

Sword (Is basically still sword in all but name): I am a fighter-wizard human. My twin sister died in the womb and shares body so we constantly switch personalities and form.

Me: How did you not get experimented on by the wizard college or sent to the church for an exorcism?

Sword: I'm not possessed.

Me: You literally gave the definition of possessed.

GM: You got that from Beyond: Two Souls.

Sword: No I didn't. And my sister is a bloodthirsty psychopath.

GM: So you are just using this as an excuse to be a dick.

Sword:No I roll on who is in charge. Odds are me, the evens is her.

Me: So what he just said.

GM: What are you?

Me: Female Goliath Barbarian of Calamity.

GM: We talked about it before so I'll allow that archetype.

Kensei: So you are going to be swole?

Me: I am a giant bodybuilder woman without armor who has the power to punch things ridiculously hard and can set things on fire when using a special ability. I'm basically a Pillar Man.

GM: Okay, so everyone can have 2 uncommon magic items and 2 rare ones. I'm not going to rule against wearing two of certain types of items like rings or belts, unless it it kinda stupid. And the limit is 2 I don't want any of you to start looking like Square Enix characters. Here is my list.

*Everyone picks out their 4 item*

GM: Okay, so Sword has a wand of fireballs, goggles of dark vision, and defensive items. Kensei has his sword, dark vision goggles, and stuff to increase his speed and defense (Has 21 AC), and you?

Me: Belts of Giant's Strength and Dwarvenkind, Cloak of Protection, and a halberd.

GM: You are a barbarian, why a halberd?

Me: Polearm Mastery lets me beat people with the other end and when people come into my range I get an attack of opportunity. Plus reach!

GM; You only get one bonus action.

Me: Okay.

GM: Fine. So Sword is weird, Kensei has ridiculous AC, and you have strength beyond we mortals.

Sword: What?

GM: Belt of Hill Giant's Strength, the dumbest of the lot, but still ridiculous. Anyways the three of you are all thrown into the prison and hear the gate shut behind you.

Kensei: I'm going to start searching for traps.

GM: Can you disarm traps?

Kensei: I have thieves tools and proficiency from the spy background.

Sword: Oh, you must be one of those lawful evil monks.

Kensei: No

*Lots of arguing later once we find a tile trap*

Me: We can just jump over it, we already checked what's behind it for traps.

Kensei: *Rolls a 2 on disarming it*

GM: You lose the pick inside of the trap as you try to unlock it.

Me: We can just go over it.

Kensei: Oh, yeah. Forgot.

Sword: I have mage hand, I can grab it.

Me: Or accidentally set it off.

Us:...

Me: I am walking away

Kensei: Same

Sword: *nat 20*

GM: You manage to get the lock pick back.

Kensei: Well we are walking on after jumping over the tile.

GM: Okay *Draws more of the map* Kensei, when you reach the door do you open it?

Kensei: Yes.

GM: On the other side of it you see a decrepit but giant room. It has tables covered in food that has rotted to the point you can't tell what they used to be and there are countless broken plates littering the place. Despite that you see people. At least a dozen people smiling, laughing, and dancing. All of them are ethereal to the point you can see through them as they float across the dance floor. Even more seem to be servants, butlers and maids carrying food and drink. The tables blur, spectral images of unbroken plates overlaying with the realty of things.

Kensei:...I tell the guys.

Me: So ghost people are eating ghost food from ghost plates?

Kensei: yes. I am just going to sneak by.

Me: Yup.

Sword: Uhhh.

GM: Roll

I got a 4 and we kept moving down before the ghosts managed to look out the door to check if there were people.

GM: Okay, next door?

Kensei: I open it.

GM: You see a gaming table with three corpses sitting at it. All of them are rotted and bloated. They look at you as you open the door, playing cards still in hand as they stare.

Kensei: Nope

GM: Next door?

Kensei: Yes.

GM: You see a kitchen. Unlike all of the other places you've seen it looks completely normal. Sausages, beef, chicken, ham, and succulent turkeys are all sitting there ready to be cooked into a feast.

Me: Nope.

Sword: Beware my comrades this is a trap.

Me: We knew that.

Sword: It is an illusion.

Kensei: I am just closing the door now. It is probably rotten.

*A lot more exploring and noping the hell away from dozens of ghosts and zombies later*

GM: You see a fork in the passageway.

Kensei: I go down the one that's closer.

GM: It leads to a large hall and you see a giant ogre sleeping by the door at the end of it.

Sword: Get out of my swamp!

Me: Let's find another way.

Kensei: Yeah.

GM: On the other way you see a pool!

Sword: Wait what?

GM: Yup, there are murals all over the place, freshly painted and wonderful. But the pool is black and you can't see what's inside of it.

Me: I am not swimming in that.

Kensei: There are probably zombie sharks in it or something.

GM: And the door to the next room is on the right side, far away from yours.

Me: Is the mural the actual wall?

GM: It is difficult, but with your perception you can tell that the murals do not actually line up right. They are actually above the water and the walls are deeper in and uneven.

Me: Can I hammer a piton into the wall nearest to me?

GM: Yeah, but it is still far away to the other side.

Me: Yeah, but monks can jump ridiculously far

*Long argument between all of us about Kensei abilities, the spell Jump, and us explaining how Floating Disc works to Sword, such as how it would probably fall into the pool.*

GM: So Sword is putting Jump on Kensei so monk doesn't need to make a check. Mostly because it is just a bit farther than monk can actually jump

Sword: yes.

GM: Okay.

Kensei: Okay, so I hammer the piton in on the other end

Me: I'll climb across

GM: You mean tightrope?

Me: No, climb. I'm hugging it and using strength to pull myself across.

GM: Okay, athletics

Me: *24*

Sword: *7*

GM: So, Sword falls in just before getting across and falls into the water.

Me: I hold my javelin out for him to grab *not the halberd since that is a better weapon*

GM: Sword, you realize this is not water. It is coagulated, thick, rotten blood.

Sword: Ew ew ew ew ew. *Manages to grab the javelin*

Me: *24 athletics*

GM: You just swing him across and overhead like its is a fucking lever.

Kensei: Searching for traps.

We all got at least 20 with our modifiers.

GM: The ceiling looks like it might collapse.

Me: Can I look for more traps on the ground?

GM: The only thing that looks like a problem is the ceiling. This hallway forks into 4 directions. Where do you want to go first

We then ended up going down one way which led us to another room full of ghosts we avoided, and went to a different way which then led to the hall collapsing behind us.

Kensei: I open the door.

GM: You see a giant room full of what looks like small metal closets. There is screaming inside as each of them shake. Blood covers the doors while you can see dents forming as fist pound into them.

Me: Oh no.This is a torture chamber.

GM: Yes, the punishment for criminals sent here was to essentially be buried alive, and even worse since they couldn't even sit down. They slowly starved to death while cramped until they can't move, unable to even sit as it was too small for them to do that. Their knees grinding against metal that won't give them even that.

Sword: But that's torture.

GM: That's the point.

Kensei: And they can smell the blood.

GM: Yes.

Sword: What if you give me all your water so I can get it off?

Kensei/Me: No

Me: What if we rolled you in the dirt of the rubble?

GM: That might help it.

Sword: What if I take off my clothes?

GM: You would still have it on your skin, you were submerged.

Sword: What if I rip some off and use it to wipe?

Us:...

After a lot more of this, Sword continuously rolling a d4 until he had a 'personality switch' to the other one which also makes his body gender swap.

Me: oh, so I am throwing you at a church when we get out.

Sword: No you're not.

Me: You are obviously cursed and possessed.

Sword: No I'm not.

Kensei: This is clearly not normal. How did you go through the wizard apprenticeship, college, or whatever else without anyone noticing.

Sword: It started when I was an adult.

GM: It takes a long ass time to be a wizard, especially a fairly high level one.

Sword: it started after I finished.

Me: And everyone else who ever met you?

Sword: *Continuously talking about ripping clothes off*

Me: I'm just rolling you in the dirt until I can't smell the blood.

GM: That takes about an hour, when you come back the banging is much more muted.

Kensei: And we run to the door.

GM: There is a hall. As you go down it you see a branch. Down that side is an open door to what looks like a study where an ethereal man is sitting with his back to you.

Me: I take out a javelin and point it at the guy while looking at Kensei.

Kensei: Let's scout more.

We ended up going further, ignoring some more branches as we head down the hall.

GM: There is a hole in the ground. It is fairly deep but you can see a diamond which is glowing red.

Me: I walk around it.

Sword: I could use a diamond.

Me: It is an obvious trap.

Kensei: I can disarm traps.

Me: Magical ones?

Kensei: I walk around it.

Sword: Fine.

GM: In the next room you see what looks like a barracks. Unlike the previous rooms the people in look completely normal. Just guards sleeping in their cots.

Kensei: I sneak past them to the other side of the room. *succeeds*

GM: You notice an altar to a god, *Kensei and Sword fail religion rolls* And don't know what it is.

Me: I'll try. *Nat 1*

GM: You let out the loudest fart ever.

Me: I take out my halberd and rage.

GM: The guards start waking up.

Kensei: Well it is time for action.

GM: Roll initiative.

Me: *Nat 20*

GM: What are you doing.

Me: I'm going to roar, jump across and whale on him with both my attacks. *Hit with 2 normal attacks and the butt of the halberd, the total is over 40 damage*

GM: Well your halberd just splits his head in half with with first hit, then as his body is falling you sweep it, cutting off both legs before beating it's chest in with the butt of it. All the guards are screaming in terror as this giant She-Hulk woman just rips their friend to pieces.

Kensei: *Does 40 damage to another*

Sword: *Does 8 damage with magic missile*

GM: And that was your surprise round*

Me: I hit the next closest guy *All successes and down another*

GM: You just destroy his face.

What follows is just ridiculous amounts of carnage as Kensei and I keep doing a minimum of 30 damage to every guard who gets anywhere close to us.

GM: They are crying, running away from the two terrifying monsters covered in their friends blood

Me: I pause for a moment and wonder if these are people.

GM: One of them is running for what looks like a horn.

Me: And promptly throw a javelin *It isn't enough damage to kill him.*

GM: The man manages to blow the horn, you heard screams and wails coming from everywhere

Kensei: I run over and stab him *Ridiculous damage again, but just shy of killing the guy*

GM: You just sever the hand as he starts sobbing on the floor.

Sword: *Firebolts the other guy to death*

Kensei: Huh, are these guys actual people.

Me: Intimidate?

Kensei: yeah *succeeds* but what should we ask him?

GM: The guard is sobbing on the ground. "We are a prison you monsters!"

Sword: Where is the heir's necklace?

Me: He just said it is a prison. He thinks it is the time before it was a palace. So, ghost, but still.

We ended up killing the ghost, and I succeeded the role to recognize the statue as actually being one of an archdevil.

GM: And by the way, down the hall you see zombies and ghosts running towards you.

Us:...

Kensei: I'll work on the door.

Me: I'm going to start throwing the beds at the hall until I barricade it.

Sword and I manage to stack all the beds to the entrance as Kensei gets the door open, which revealed a courtyard.

Kensei: How does this even work? There is no sky?

GM: Magic.

Kensei: Okay, is there anything else here?

GM: Nope.

*We look at the map and figure out the wall should be connected to the room which had the person facing away from us. Other areas are near the halls, but have space between them.

Kensei: So I'm locking the door behind us. How do we go on?

Me: I can smash things ridiculously well. One of my powers lets me do 2 times damage on structures and objects.

Sword: You really are she-hulk.

GM: Which place are you smashing?

Me: The wall opposite of the way we came. *Get close to 40 damage*

GM: On the other side you see nothing?

Me: Nothing?

GM: All you see is empty blackness. Nothing is on the other side but the remnants of the stone wall which are falling, falling, falling on and on with no end in sight.

Me: Nope.

Kensei: Nope nope nope.

Me: Let's smash about where the desk thing was. *another ridiculous amount of damage

GM: You roar and crash into the wall, punching through bare handed and crushing the desk beneath your fists. The rubble covers the floor as you scream in rage.

Sword: Kool-aid man.

We ended up in another argument about where we should go next, especially because there are more zombies showing up. Sword decides to try and get the jewel in the hole by using Unseen Servant.

Me: Could it even lift it?

Sword: Yes, it just isn't strong.

Kensei: That could work. Maybe it's important.

GM: Okay, after it is gone for awhile you hear an explosion.

Kensei: Oh right, trap.

Sword: What?

GM: It doesn't know how to disable traps.

Me: I peak my head out.

GM: You see a green cloud down the hall that hovers about where the jewel was. It gives you a horrible feeling.

Kensei: So we are not going down that way again.

Me: Hopefully we destroyed some zombies.

Kensei: Break another wall?

Me: Sure; *destroys the wall closest to another room. There is some space, but we are hoping that there is a wall on the other side to break through.

GM: *Rolls* Make a dex save.

Me: *fails*

GM: As you destroy the wall you see a ghostly man on the other side, he grabs you by the throat *Rolls* and fucking chokeslams you against the other wall with his eyes glaring down at you as he does 20 necrotic damage.

Me: Wait , I have an ability to reduce damage. *reduces damage taken to about 5*

GM: And you apparently just shrug it off has your throat burns and snarl.

We ended up stabbing and shooting the ghost for a bit until it retreated, but nothing was that special

Kensei: So that's probably the boss.

Sword: Down back to the dungeon?

Kensei: Yeah.

Sword ended up using a fireball to wipe out a room full of zombies, making it so we breezed past that until noticing a problem.

GM: You see the pool of black blood has started to make its way into this room.

This made it so we had a large argument about how to keep going onward since we have a limited number of ways to go, and this is the only passage that gets to the rest of the area. Eventually we come to my plan of using fireballs to dislodge the rubble enough that we can make our way through since the flow would probably be bad if we tried it with us directly there.

Kensei: So down the way we hadn't managed before?

Sword: Probably more prison cells.

Me: And we are covered in blood.

GM: *laughing evil* Roll perception.

The other two fail.

GM: Well the ghost's hand rises out of the blood and tries to choke slam Sword.

Me: So it enters my reach.

GM: Yup.

Me: *Hits and does a minor amount of damage*

GM: So as Sword is talking your head just whips around with you swinging the halberd at a hand, making it recede back into the water.

Sword: The blood.

GM: Yes, and down the hall you see more cells with the ghosts inside baying for blood. Even worse is the disgusting slurping sounds you hear further down the hall.

Kensei: The ogre

GM: This will be fun.

Me: Sword, please to shoot a fireball in the monster's face.

Sword ended up doing just that while Kensei and I blitzed the monster. Due to a nat one I ended up losing my Halberd inside of the Ogre's jaw after stabbing it in the neck, so I had to start hacking at it with a hatchet. A few rounds in the ghost master showed up again and blasted us with an ice spell which froze Kensei and the Ogre. This is unfortunate for us because only Kensei managed to get past the ogre, and the corpse is now frozen between us and the room that has Kensei

Kensei: Crap I'm unconscious.

We ended up in more arguments so the GM had Kensei make a death save.

Me: Okay, I'm going smash the corpse statue and grab my weapon, my rage shouldn't have ended yet

GM: Roll

Me: *close to 20 damage unarmed*

GM: Well you basically just punch the frozen corpse into a shower of gory ice cubes and grab the halberd as it falls.

We ended up chugging out health potions and becoming a blender against everything we meet even, when things fail.

Five ghost guards shoot at Kensei as he runs at them, but none hit. Unfortunately for him his first attack is a one.

GM: Your sword comes down on the ghost, but he blocks it with his bow, causing you to get it stuck.

Kensei: Flurry of blows *Crits for both hits*

GM: And promptly let go and just rip oven his throat with your fingers.

Eventually all of the ghosts we can find are dead, but can't find the boss.

Me: Smash walls?

Kensei: Smash walls

We ended up getting ourselves rest and set up to fight before destroying a wall that revealed four different ghosts waiting to go and attack us.

Kensei; I'm using my bow to pluck them to death. *hits one twice*

Sword: I use a fireball. *20 damage*

Me: Chuck a javelin *Misses*

GM: Well all of them are alive still, and run into the room.

One of the monsters goes down, making us take a wisdom save to not get hit by a psychic wail. Kensei took down another while a third possessed Sword.

GM: Make a Wisdom save.

Sword: But I am two people, I should be unaffected or have advantage.

Me: Aren't you always possessed?

Sword: No I'm not. I'm not possessed.

GM: You are possessed.

Sword: My soul should be stronger since I have two.

GM: No, you're constantly being possessed. If anything it should be harder for you to resist since your soul would be weak.

Sword: But I have two souls.

GM: I'm not giving you a mechanical bonus for that thing. Roll.

Sword: *fails*

GM: Well you are possessed, and start running away.

Me: Does he enter my range?

GM: yes

Me: Attack of opportunity trip *succeeds*

GM: Well he still has enough movement to keep running.

Me: I'll keep fighting the last ghost

Kensei: I'll go catch Sword. *Does so easily*

Sword: Don't kill me.

Kensei: I'll grapple him. *succeeds*

GM: Anything else?

Sword: Wait I have Good and Evil.

GM: What? Did you mean Protection from Good and Evil or Dispel Good and Evil

Sword: Aaaa

GM: You just put it down as good and evil didn't you.

Sword: Yes.

GM: *Checks sheet* At the level you put it that would be protection, and you didn't cast it earlier

Sword: I'll cast it now

GM: You're possessed. And neither of the others have dispel good and evil.

Kensei: I'll beat it out of him.

GM: How

Kensei: Suplex *makes the roll GM set for suplex and does close to ten damage. This puts Sword in sight of me*

GM: So, Barbarian, as you look at Sword's face make a wisdom check.

Me: I'm currently fighting the other remaining ghost. I'm not looking at it

GM: Oh yeah, there's another one. Nevermind.

I beat the last ghost, which left Kensei and I with a possessed sword who Kensei had wrestled to the ground as he beat his face in/

GM: So what are you guys going to do?

Kensei: Beat him until the ghost leaves, then use the last of our potions?

Me: So I'll start beating him as well.

GM: How?

Me; Stomping on his face while Kensei grapples and works the body

GM: Yeah. That is one damage.

Me: Strength and rage should put that at about 8 per hit

GM:...Well there is an imprint of your boot in his head now. Eventually the ghost rises out of him and flees.

Kensei: Heal then break more walls?

Me: Yup.

This made it so the Ghost Boss finally showed up again. Sword's int check lets him realize the Ghost Boss had a necklace on him that seemed to be more physical than the rest of him.

Ghost Boss: You three ruined my party.

Me: Wait who are you?

Sword: you aren't supposed to talk to the bad guy!

Me: We don't even know who he is.

Ghost Boss: I'm the man who turned this place into a palace, and you've been killing all of my guests.

Kensei: Well that explains it. Endless ghost hedonism parties.

Me: Huh, that's cool.

Ghost Boss: And now it is time for you to die

Me: I'm raging.

What followed was a fairly embarrassing fight for the boss as he keeps counter spelling fireballs while Kensei and I start using our ridiculous number of attacks to whittle him down from over 100 health to zero *between the three of us we had to do something like 200, but each of us had ridiculous amounts of damage per turn and several chances to hit*

GM: Well as you guys rip his fucking head off with your halberd and sword the amulet falls to the ground.

Kensei: So we head back to the entrance.

Sword: Haha, I grab it from the ground and run to the gate. "Hey hey guards, we're here. We got it!"

GM: Eventually one of the guards walks over and stares. "What is it now?"

Sword: "We got the amulet." I reach through the bars and show him

GM: He grabs it and hums. "Okay then." After that he starts walking off.

Sword: Wait what?

GM: He's walking away.

Me: Ah.

Sword; "You're coming back right? Right? I think you forgot the door. You're letting us out right?"

GM: "I never said anything about that." And he closes a door behind him.

Kensei:...

Sword:...

Me:....

Kensei: So.

Me: Think you can pick the gate?

Kensei: Maybe, not certain if I can see the lock from this side.

Me: Want me to smash it?

Kensei: yes.

*Get another 40 as I rage*

GM: Well you burst into flames and use your halberd to just destroy the gate. Then start walking out.

Me: I think we might still be criminals.

Kensei: I'm leaving this country.

Me: So Kensei, beer?

Kensei: Beer.

Sword: I'll pay.

Me: With what money?

Sword: I can make some.

Me: How?

Sword: I've got sticky fingers.

Me: So your answer to escaping a hellish prison where the ghosts of the dead haunt it and are in eternal agony, after being thrown in there to risk your life for the chance to maybe just maybe be allowed to have your record clear, is to go and steal from people on the street?

Sword: Yes?

Me: I'm leaving.

Kensei: Same.

GM: By the way they were just planning to make sure it was the actual amulet.

Me: Well I jumped the gun.

Sword: I can work it off.

 

[mrttao]

Pirate (Now Kensei): I am a male human kensei monk.

Click to shrink...

Oh, you are playing 5th edition

 

[Heaven Canceler]

Isn't in the earlier editions any non-mage useless outside early levels as a meatshield? I thought it was so bad that some people made a homebrew thing where they gave everyone pseudo-magic abilities to not make it so unbalanced... Tome of Battle I think it was called? I remember reading it and finding it amusing that on higher levels Monks can basically punch a hole through space time to make gates to other places with that supplement.

 

[shadowdice]

Oh, you are playing 5th edition

Click to shrink...

Yeah, the GM only does 5e, though months down the line I might be Doing a Mutants and Masterminds campaign for our group.

GM: If we do that I am going to be in a tank.

Me: That's actually fairly easy to get in the system. Though you'll want some other equipment if you are going that route.

GM: Yes, like a gun for if they destroy my beautiful baby.

Me: Exactly.

GM: To blow my brains out.

Me: Ah.

So far the ideas we have are Batman/IronMan in a tank that can shrink for when they need to get into places, a soldier who went through a surgery ala Stroheim to become a psychic who can also grow to giant size (Pirate), and essentially a paladin (Sword. His initial thing was him trying to be a Chaos Cultist sorcerer from 40k and we repeatedly told him that literally everyone in the setting would never trust him and probably do their best to kill/depower him).

Sword tends to do weird stuff, and not even fun weird.

Isn't in the earlier editions any non-mage useless outside early levels as a meatshield? I thought it was so bad that some people made a homebrew thing where they gave everyone pseudo-magic abilities to not make it so unbalanced... Tome of Battle I think it was called? I remember reading it and finding it amusing that on higher levels Monks can basically punch a hole through space time to make gates to other places with that supplement.

Click to shrink...

That's kinda still a thing at times.

 

[mrttao]

Me: I'm just rolling you in the dirt until I can't smell the blood.

Click to shrink...

How come the wizard doesn't know prestidigitation to clean all the blood in an insant.

Isn't in the earlier editions any non-mage useless outside early levels as a meatshield? I thought it was so bad that some people made a homebrew thing where they gave everyone pseudo-magic abilities to not make it so unbalanced... Tome of Battle I think it was called? I remember reading it and finding it amusing that on higher levels Monks can basically punch a hole through space time to make gates to other places with that supplement.

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Tome of Battle is actually an official canon release, and one that is massively superior. It was inspired a lot by shonen and xianxia. So you have "swordsage" (and its unarmed variant) who are basically awesome kung fu guys who also shoot fireballs, walk on walls, teleport through shadows, etc.

It is not equal to the core magic classes, but those were brokenly OP to begin with. Instead tome of battle makes for some pretty balanced classes.

Full mages from core can solve everything, usually with a single a spell. Princess kidnapped? scry, teleport. Need to sneak into the castle? invisible and fly. The king is dying and needs a rare cure? pfft, just cast Heal. Need to throw the ring in mount doom? teleport. Murder myster? talk to dead.
etc. etc. Meanwhile an average druid's unoptimized bear is a better fighter than a fighter.

Monks held a special place in that they were exceptionally bad even compared to other martial classes, even worse than NPC classes. They were extremely MAD (multiple attribute dependency). They were bad at anything that was thematic to them. Both grappling and unarmed combat could be done better by a fighter, barbarian, or paladin. Likewise with tripping.

The monks had low HP and usually poor AC with gimmicky mechanics. Their flurry of blows was a double edged sword. They were technically not even proficient in unarmed combat but I have never seen anyone who didn't houserule it (often not on purpose as it just seems inconcieveable that a monk would take a -4 non proficiency penalty to unarmed combat). They couldn't really even act as a meat shield since any enemy with a brain will just ignore them and fight the actual threats in the party (the casters, or even the other martial characters)

They had slightly better resistance to some spells than a fighter, and instead of feats (which were already sub par), they got a mish mash of mostly useless abilities. For example, in level 17 monks got a permanent always on comprehend language spell. (a level 1 spell to literally any caster class... which you very very rarely need). At level 20 they got their capstone... transforming them into an Outsider. This means they got a few relatively minor defenses... But they also became non viable target for most standard buffs (as those target humanoids, not outsiders). As well as vulnerable to being summoned and bound to serve any magic user whose level was at least half theirs. So any level 10 magic user could make a level 20 monk their slave.

Oh, also echantments that work for your unarmed combat cost double compared to enchanting a real weapon. Likewise for getting the equivalent to armor enchantment. In addition to costing double, only the most basic aspects of it are available (the +1 through +5, no special effects).

 

[Heaven Canceler]

Tome of Battle is actually an official canon release, and one that is massively superior. It was inspired a lot by shonen and xianxia. So you have "swordsage" (and its unarmed variant) who are basically awesome kung fu guys who also shoot fireballs, walk on walls, teleport through shadows, etc.

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Huh really? Weird I remember reading soem of that stuff on a wiki ages ago and one that stuck in my memory was just how meta the fluff was. Like the thing about how everyone hates giant creatures, or how people really, really dislike people that change their alignment even when it is towards their own. And I think there was something about how armies are utterly useless and exist only to keep the peasants in line and collect taxes since any random ragtag band of adventurers can murder their way through it...

 

[mrttao]

Huh really? Weird I remember reading soem of that stuff on a wiki ages ago and one that stuck in my memory was just how meta the fluff was. Like the thing about how everyone hates giant creatures, or how people really, really dislike people that change their alignment even when it is towards their own. And I think there was something about how armies are utterly useless and exist only to keep the peasants in line and collect taxes since any random ragtag band of adventurers can murder their way through it...

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I never read the fluff of tome of battle so I don't know. I am only familiar with some of the classes in a mechanical sense. It is entirely possible that the fluff is idiotic.

Also, I am trying to remember something I was going to say... there is that thing that galls me... oh right. One of my biggest pet peves is that fighter fluff explicitly says it was inspired by heracles and cu cuilain.... seriously? you got inspired by those and gave us such a weaksauce class incapable of doing anything worthwhile? where is my warp spasm? where is the divine rank as a demigod?

Even at level 1 a wizard who knows what he is doing can defeat them via save or lose spells (sleep spell is level 1 and super effective, a level 1 wizard of modest score has over 50% chance to beat a level 4 fighter using a sleep spell followed by coup de grace). At higher levels its better to replace the fighter with a golem, undead, or magically controlled monster.

My favorite is a dominated troll. One ring of sustenance (dirt cheap at 2000g). protection from fire and acid. and standard fighter equipment and you have yourself a super fighter which is extra thick in the head.

edit: basically, imagine if in exalted they told you to replace the dawn caste with a mortal with a sword. Or, remember that rando with no powers in One Punch Man?
https://onepunchman.fandom.com/wiki/Mumen_Rider

also this

Spoiler

It is worth noting full mages were TOO powerful in those editions (no clue how they are in 5th, I didn't play it yet). To the point of making it hard to have a game function.

 

[shadowdice]

How come the wizard doesn't know prestidigitation to clean all the blood in an insant.

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He didn't have that spell. It is the first time he's ever played a wizard.[/QUOTE]

 

[mrttao]

He didn't have that spell. It is the first time he's ever played a wizard.

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Even then if he read the descriptions of the cantrips... oh right, its Sword. He probably read "can't be used in combat" and just skipped that spell entirely.