How I Saved History (Fate/Grand Order SI)

[Ashborn]

Anyone else think Nero's interlude to get thrice setting sun will be her putting down her Septum Empire counterpart?

Nero, repeatedly stabbing counterpart: "Crazy Bitch just Won't DIE!"

Everyone else: 'Yup, conclusive proof Nero has MPD' nodding to selves.

 

[caprica12]

Hopefully this entire fiasco convince Charles into developing the heavy hitters among the Servants. Now he knows he can't always be sneaky.

Also NERO YOU ABSOLUTE CHAD. Pity we won't see you for a LONG while.

Roman greets me with a grin

Click to shrink...

Roman: It's called karma and it's pronunced HA.

 

[Charles Flynn]

Of course, the day we get back from America, there's another meeting.

"All right, people," Roman says, looking around the table. "There's no escaping it. We need food. We were running out before the month and a half we spent on America, as it stands now, we have only two days of food left."

"Have we found a Micro-Singularity?" I ask, already bracing myself.

"Yes. This is one of the bubble-type ones left over from resolving the London Singularity. It covers the town of Stratford-upon-Avon in the year 1652." Roman announces. "It was the first one we could find. You'll have to go on a supply run to there, as swiftly as possible. S.H.E.B.A. projects that the Micro-Singularity will resolve itself twenty-seven hours from now."

"Alright," I say after a moment of thought. "I'll get my team together." First stop: Getting a haircut. I haven't shaved in over a month.

---​

"I'm putting a party together for a supply raid," I say, standing stock-still while Chaldea's acting barber sizes me up. "You interested?"

"Hm." Kojirou draws Monohoshizao. "The last one I was on didn't turn out all that well."

"They rarely do. It's why I need someone with your expertise to accompany me on this one."

"Well, I suppose if you think so highly of me, I can't help but join you," Kojirou says with a small smile, bringing his katana up into the ready position. "Just to confirm: Clean-shaven cheeks and your usual crew cut?"

"Yes."

"Very well. Hold still." And then he lunges into motion, Monohoshizao a dancing glimmer of light.

And once he's finished, I'm clean-shaven with short hair once more, without so much as a scratch on me.

"Skilled as ever, Kojirou," I note. "Well, I'm off to get Vlad, Tamamo, and Caesar on board. I've already confirmed things with Hundred Face and Cu."

"I myself will head to the briefing room."

"No, straight to the Klein Coffins, this time. We can't waste so much as a second."

---​

My team is assembled. Vlad, Tamamo, Caesar, Kojirou, Hundred Face, Caster Cu, and, last but not least, a very tired-looking Mash.

"Alright people, let's go put some food on our tables," I say, as we file into the Coffins.

And then we're off, the light carrying us away once more.

 

[Darko]

Using the sword skills of an incredibly talented swordsmaster for a shave and haircut...

I thought using Romulus' clairvoyance for doing paperwork was petty, but nope, you still surprise me.

Well done.

Were you by chance inspired by that scene in UBW Abridged where Sasaki explains to Saber that his ultimate technique was created to kill a bird?

 

[Charles Flynn]

Using the sword skills of an incredibly talented swordsmaster for a shave and haircut...

I thought using Romulus' clairvoyance for doing paperwork was petty, but nope, you still surprise me.

Well done.

Were you by chance inspired by that scene in UBW Abridged where Sasaki explains to Saber that his ultimate technique was created to kill a bird?

Click to shrink...

Yep.

 

[Darko]

Yep.

Click to shrink...

Now all we need is for Cu to start speaking in rhymes, Medea to give Charlie cute names and Galahad to compliment EMIYA's abs if they summon him.

He's been inhabiting the body of a young girl, so somehow developing an attraction to attractive males wouldn't be too surprising.

Or just admire the fact that he's developed such an impressive physique, without any sexual undertones.

Just one warrior complimenting the work another warrior has done.

 

[Charles Flynn]

Now all we need is for Cu to start speaking in rhymes, Medea to give Charlie cute names and Galahad to compliment EMIYA's abs if they summon him.

He's been inhabiting the body of a young girl, so somehow developing an attraction to attractive males wouldn't be too surprising.

Or just admire the fact that he's developed such an impressive physique, without any sexual undertones.

Just one warrior complimenting the work another warrior has done.

Click to shrink...

Galahad's asexual, actually.

 

[Darko]

Galahad's asexual, actually.

Click to shrink...

That must have saddened all the ladies during his time.

Assuming they knew what asexulity was.

 

[Charles Flynn]

That must have saddened all the ladies during his time.

Assuming they knew what asexulity was.

Click to shrink...

It did sadden quite a few fair maidens, yes. He died when he was seventeen, though, so he really didn't live long enough for it to become a major issue.

And, while they didn't have the concept of sexual orientation, they did follow a religion that placed chastity and self-control of one's urges as a virtue. Most people just saw him as extremely pious and godly.

 

[caprica12]

There's no escaping it. We need food.

Click to shrink...

At least Tawara Touta's Bale of Inexhaustibility delayed the need for that for a while. He is the true MVP.

Also MY BODY IS READY FOR CHARLES' NEXT BULLSHIT. AND HE DESERVES IT FOR MAKING MASH WORK EXTRA SHIFTS.

 

[Bear_Mint]

Does Da Vinci use reinforcement on Chaldea's food stock for more nutritional value and longer shelf life? Seems to me that you can try to get more for less and spend less time pirating local singularities of their food.

 

[Charles Flynn]

Does Da Vinci use reinforcement on Chaldea's food stock for more nutritional value and longer shelf life? Seems to me that you can try to get more for less and spend less time pirating local singularities of their food.

Click to shrink...

That would require a constant mana flow which would quickly mount up until it costs almost as much as Chaldea's Servant upkeep. It would also require a complete reworking of Chaldea's magical infrastructure, which would require that they dismiss all its Servants while the renovations were being made. Including Da Vinci.

 

[Darko]

Also MY BODY IS READY FOR CHARLES' NEXT BULLSHIT. AND HE DESERVES IT FOR MAKING MASH WORK EXTRA SHIFTS.

Click to shrink...

Preach it brother.

Does Da Vinci use reinforcement on Chaldea's food stock for more nutritional value and longer shelf life? Seems to me that you can try to get more for less and spend less time pirating local singularities of their food.

Click to shrink...

Hey here's an idea on how to get the more alcoholically inclined Servants to love you more.

Have their booze be Reinforced from time to time.

There was this fic where Cu discovers someone did this and called them a genius.

 

[Charles Flynn]

Preach it brother.



Hey here's an idea on how to get the more alcoholically inclined Servants to love you more.

Have their booze be Reinforced from time to time.

There was this fic where Cu discovers someone did this and called them a genius.

Click to shrink...

Yeah, Cu already knows about that trick. It's why his favorite beer mug is covered in runes.

 

[Darko]

Yeah, Cu already knows about that trick. It's why his favorite beer mug is covered in runes.

Click to shrink...

Wonder how Scathach feels that the guy she taught runes to is using them to enhance his booze?

Did she actually teach him how to do it, as say something like a graduation present, or a promised reward so he'd pay more attention and try to learn things aside from fighting?

If he taught the other Red Branch guys how to do this, then his popularity must have skyrocketed.

 

[Darko]

Yeah, Cu already knows about that trick. It's why his favorite beer mug is covered in runes.

Click to shrink...

Has anyone tried to drink from it, assuming he didn't just break their arm for trying to take it, only to black out after taking a sip?

 

[Delta Green]

Wonder how Scathach feels that the guy she taught runes to is using them to enhance his booze?

Did she actually teach him how to do it, as say something like a graduation present, or a promised reward so he'd pay more attention and try to learn things aside from fighting?

If he taught the other Red Branch guys how to do this, then his popularity must have skyrocketed.

Click to shrink...

Scathach is Scottish. That answers the question.

 

[Darko]

Scathach is Scottish. That answers the question.

Click to shrink...

And Cu's Irish, so by the laws of stereotyping he will be extremely motivated to learn something that makes alcohol better.

 

[Charles Flynn]

"Come my brothers, my comrades!" William Shakespeare bellows, leading his fellow Stratfordians into battle. "And together, we will topple this tyrant, this King of Christmas!"

King Arthur (currently wearing a sexy Santa minidress) says nothing, simply levelling her sword as behind her, her elves draw their tommyguns.

Meanwhile, I just stand there, completely gobsmacked, where I Rayshifted in.

"Flynn?" Galahad asks tentatively. "Do you have any idea what the hell's going on right now?"

"No. And I don't think I want to."

"Should we... do something?"

"Probably, yes."

---

"And so, by right of conquest, I take up the title of Santa Claus, and with it, ABSOLUTE DOMINION OVER ALL OF CHRISTMAS!" Vlad announces from atop his mountain of elf corpses. "If there are any who would object to this, please do so now, so that I may kill you."

Unsurprisingly, no one protests.

"Jolly good, then, Master of Chaldea!" Shakespeare cheers, as, around us, the other Stratfordians all begin to celebrate our victory. "'All's well that ends well,' as I say."

"Ah, yes." I agree, already noticing the Singularity beginning to dissolve. 'Cu, how's that food Rayshift going?'

'We didn't get very much.' he replies apologetically. 'Sorry, Charlie.'

'It's fine.'

Then the Rayshift takes us away again.

---

The week after America is a grind. We're stuck going from Micro-Singularity to Micro-Singularity, desperately scrounging food as we go, all while I have to resummons fallen Servants between excursions.

It never ends.

---

"Mysterious Heroine X, thus far, I've been obliged to aid you, in spite of how asinine your very existence has been. But this GOES TOO FAR!"

"If you're not with me, YOU'RE AGAINST ME!"

---

"It is I, Astolfo, Paladin of Chalemagne!" the little pink-haired fiend announces as he glides in on a hippogriff. "And I require your aid on a quest most perilous!"

I turn to Galahad. "Get the emergency whiskey."

"Why?"

"I've read the Matter of France, I'm going to need it."

---

"KARNAMANIA 2: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO!"

"ROMAN! ROMAN, START THE RAYSHIFT! START THE RAYSHIFT!"

---

It's a Saturday, and Mash and I are both slumped over the table in the cafeteria, dog tired.

"Hey, Kyrielight?" I ask, prompting her to groan and turn her head towards me. "How're you feeling? Those cyborg polar bears worked you over pretty hard on our last deployment."

"Eveything hurts, Senpai."

"Yeah. You still up for Movie Night, though? I picked out a movie that I think both you and Galahad will enjoy."

"What's it called?" she asks, beginning to sound like the perky and reliable Mash that I know.

"Monty Python and the Holy Grail," I tell her, trying my hardest to contain my evil smirk.

"Sounds a bit like work, honestly."

"True. Actually, hold on, what do you do with the Grails we secure?" Because… I just had an idea.

"Da Vinci keeps them for experimentation, although I don't think she's actually used any of them yet. She's been too busy fixing the plumbing."

I grab Mash's hand and pull her up. "Come on, kid, I've got a plan."

---

"Da Vinci!" I shout, barging into our resident Renaissance Woman's lab. "I need a Grail!"

"Top shelf on the right!" she shouts back to me from deeper in the Workshop.

I look, and there they are.

"Alright, let's do this," I say. "I wish I had a root beer."

In a flash of holy, golden radiance, a root beer appears in my hand.

"All yours, Mash."

"What? Senpai, I've never-"

"It's all yours. Take it."

She does, hesitantly, popping off the cap and then taking a small sip.

I discreetly reach for my emergency unicorn horn, just in case.

"It's so fizzy!" she says with a frankly adorable grin.

"Good. It taste alright?"

"Yes!"

"Okay. Let's call Roman in. I think I just solved our food shortage."

 

[Silver W. King]

Welp, you had a minor drink beer, prepare for time travel assassin, because "oh no, so immoral".

So what the hell happened with MHX?

 

[Darko]

"And so, by right of conquest, I take up the title of Santa Claus, and with it, ABSOLUTE DOMINION OVER ALL OF CHRISTMAS!" Vlad announces from atop his mountain of elf corpses. "If there are any who would object to this, please do so now, so that I may kill you."

Click to shrink...

This is a...thing.

I'm assuming the fight went something like this:



Vlad's reign is probably going to involve a bit more rods.

"Mysterious Heroine X, thus far, I've been obliged to aid you, in spite of how asinine your very existence has been. But this GOES TOO FAR!"

Click to shrink...

Potential new friend for Galahad in insulting Charlie?

"KARNAMANIA 2: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO!"

"ROMAN! ROMAN, START THE RAYSHIFT! START THE RAYSHIFT!"

Click to shrink...

Please tell me they kept Duryodhana around.

I really wanna see him sow a key into Charlies arm that he can only retrieve to free himself from his shackles by cutting into his flesh using a pair of tweezers connected to a car battery.

 

[Charles Flynn]

Welp, you had a minor drink beer, prepare for time travel assassin, because "oh no, so immoral".

So what the hell happened with MHX?

Click to shrink...

Long, long, long story that everyone involved swore to never speak of again.

 

[Darko]

Long, long, long story that everyone involved swore to never speak of again.

Click to shrink...

Really hope one of them breaks that oath.

 

[Bear_Mint]

Ah, the Deus Ex Machina that everyone forgets they have. Just use it to wish for a cornucopia or a Hamper of Gwyddno Garanhir.

"It is I, Astolfo, Paladin of Chalemagne!" the little pink-haired fiend announces as he glides in on a hippogriff. "And I require your aid on a quest most perilous!"

I turn to Galahad. "Get the emergency whiskey."

"Why?"

"I've read the Matter of France, I'm going to need it."

Click to shrink...

Astolfo is going to cause Charlie a liver failure with all of the shenanigans that he gets up into. Pray that he doesn't summon the rest of the Paladins. The Holy Roman Empire was a silly place.

 

[Darko]

Ah, the Deus Ex Machina that everyone forgets they have. Just use it to wish for a cornucopia or a Hamper of Gwyddno Garanhir.

Astolfo is going to cause Charlie a liver failure with all of the shenanigans that he gets up into. Pray that he doesn't summon the rest of the Paladins. The Holy Roman Empire was a silly place.

Click to shrink...

Well the fictional account from which Astolfo and that young looking Charlamagne comes from was.

The actual Holy Roman Empire, not so much.

 

[FourthPear]

For a second there, I thought Mash was about to drink Root Beer out of a goblet touched by the blood of Christ.

Just teenage girl stuff. TM

 

[Darko]

For a second there, I thought Mash was about to drink Root Beer out of a goblet touched by the blood of Christ.

Just teenage girl stuff. TM

Click to shrink...

Rin would have been proud.

Or pissed.

The mind of a tsundere is not something mortals are meant to understand.

 

[Charles Flynn]

And so, with the previously neverending demand for more food supplies resolved through a literal miracle, life returns to normal, more or less.

I set about my routine, summoning new Servants and placating the old, interspersed with more lessons from Medea and my own sessions of plotting out which Servants to include on away teams with me.

Strategies form, albeit slowly, and, whenever we fire up the FATE system, I find myself silently praying that this time we'll get Fionn Mac Cumhaill.

The prayer is never answered, unfortunately. A shame. I suppose that having him along with us would just be flat out too easy, though.

We do get a few Servants, although they're... not exactly top-shelf.

---​

"Oh. It's you. Splendid!" Hans Christian Anderson says as the light clears.

"Good to see you again too, Caster," I reply with a smile. "If you're interested, we've archived a lot of lost texts over the course of the Singularities. Shakespeare's working on a play as well."

"Hm. An interesting spread." Anderson notes with a smirk. "Did you set all that up to bribe me into not insulting you?"

"No, we just happen to have similar interests. I wouldn't go through that much effort just on the off chance that I might summon an exceedingly weak Servant who thinks himself a wit," I reply, which gets him grinning.

"Similar interests indeed. Very well, Master. I suppose I'll see what Chaldea has to offer." With that said, he heads off.

I'm glad I summoned him, honestly. He and I have surprisingly similar senses of humor.

---​

"Servant Assassin. True Name Fuuma Kotarou." The red-haired ninja bows. "I will serve you faithfully, my Master."

"Glad to have you aboard," I say with my patented playing-nice-to-people smile. Honestly, maybe I would've thought having a ninja in my service would be cool before my time in Chaldea, but I've met the Hassans. Compared to them, a ninja is just... boring. And considerably less useful. "Please seek out Dr. Roman for your work assignment."

---​

"Servant Caster, True Name Geronimo," the familiar warchief says. "It's good to see you again, Flynn."

"Same here."

"I will not trouble you overlong. Dr. Roman's office is where we get our work assignments?"

"Yep."

"Good. I hope that my presence will be of some use."

---​

"Servant Archer, True Name Euryale," the lavender-haired child says. "But of course you knew that already."

"I do indeed, Lady Euryale," I say with a smile that manages to look completely genuine.

"Is your version of Asterios still here?" she asks hopefully before backpedaling. "I'm only asking because the idiot was a really comfortable seat, that's all."

"Of course," I affirm, utterly deadpan. "He's here, as is your sister."

"Stheno?"

"No, Medusa." I manage to stifle my wince.

"Very well, then. Take me to them."

And so, the day's summonings come to a stop as I go to reunite a goddess with her loved ones. Asterios is easily found. Medusa, less so.

Eventually, a snickering Fergus mac Roich points us in her direction.

The few people in the halls give us curious looks as we go. I suppose Euryale riding on Asterios' shoulder is a bit of an unusual sight. But, soon, we're at the room Fergus told us Medusa was in. Fifth door on the left in Floor Three's first residential corridor.

As Euryale tells Asterios to knock, a thought hits me. The residential rooms are assigned outwards. Medusa was summoned late, too late to be assigned a room in this particular corridor. Actually, wasn't this room already taken? I think on it for another second. Actually, yes, I do remember, now! This was one of the Chul Kids' rooms! Why would she be-

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, no.

"Kind of busy at the moment, go away!" Cu shouts from inside the room, clearly irritated. "Can this wait?"

Euryale freezes, fury in her eyes.

"Okay," I interject. "maybe we should-"

"Asterios, break the door down."

The unfortunate portal is smashed to bits by the Bull of Minos, revealing both Cu (can't tell which one, since I can only pick them apart by their clothes, and he's currently not wearing any) and Medusa, both bare as the day they were born and in a fairly compromising position. I avert my eyes, both out of politeness, and a desire not to witness the train wreck unfolding before me.

"S-Sister?" Medusa asks, her voice squeaking as she pulls the sheets up to cover herself and Cu frantically, er… disengages himself. "Wh-When did you get here?"

Euryale, for her part, stalks towards Cu, hissing like a teakettle. Finally, she comes to a stop right in front of him, an accusing finger poking him in the chest as he tries awkwardly to cover himself and pull his tights up at the same time. "How dare you!?"

"Err... I'm sorry, I don't know you," Cu says, uncomfortably, covering his groin.

"I am the goddess Euryale!" she announces angrily. "The flawless divinity whose sister you were just forcing yourself on!"

"Um, Sister," Medusa interjects, her face as red as a tomato. "That's... not really what happened."

"Quiet, Meduseless, you're not a part of this!"

"I... sort of feel like I am, though," Medusa mumbles, looking down in embarrassment.

"Look, kid," Cu says, uncomfortably. "Your older sister's a grown woman, she can make her own decisions. I'm sure it'll be the same for you once you've grown up." He glances between Medusa and me for support, and then tilts his head in confusion. "Wait, why are you guys looking at me like that?"

"First, you force yourself on my little sister," Stheno seethes, her fists clenched and her face a mask of unabashed fury as she looks up at the poor, doomed fool. "And now you dare to insult my beauty? ASTERIOS! KILL HIM!"

"Asterios, don't do that," I interrupt, stepping into the room. "And Lady Euryale, please calm yourself. Let's discuss this like rational adults, instead of just jumping straight to murdering your sister's boyfriend."

"Boyfriend's pushing it," both Medusa and Cu say in unison.

Euryale gives a wordless scream of fury.

'Georgios, place yourself between them, and mediate this.' I order.

"As our Master has commanded, we shall discuss this as rational adults," Georgios pronounces, materializing between Euryale and Cu, who's finally managed to get the bottom half of his jumpsuit back on.

"You're supposed to be a saint! How can you condone this?" Euryale screeches.

"Was this union consensual?" he asks Medusa, who nods. "Then I cannot protest it. I will, of course, be happy to conduct the marriage ceremony."

"Marriage?" both Medusa and Euryale shriek, while the blood drains from Cu's face.

This… may have been a mistake...

---​

"Oh, thank God that's over," I mutter as I trudge back into the Summoning Room. "Two more spins, right Marjani? Just fire it up."

The rings spin, and .. ooh, another Servant!

"Yes, lowly Master of Chaldea! It is I, Gaius Caligula! I have returned to lead you to new heights, and bring ruin to your enemies!"

Oh, no. Alright Charlie, power through the headache, come on, you can do this. We need to keep him out of the way until we can figure out how to control him properly. Wait, wait, yes! I've got it!

"Worthy Emperor, Chaldea has languished in your absence!" I wail, hamming it up. "Even the greatest of heroes of yesteryear have faltered in the face of the enemy that plagues us!"

"Tell me its name, good Master, that I may strike it down!"

"We languish beneath a plague of snipes, Glorious One! Even the sharpest eyed of heroes cannot spot them, even if they stood in the third-floor storage closet in which the foul beasts make their home! Only you can find them, although I don't doubt it will take some time, and save us all, o third and greatest of the Dioscuri triplets!"

"It shall be done!" Caligula bellows, dashing out the door.

I sigh in relief. "All right, Marjani, fire it up one last time, and then I'm off to get some aspirin."

The rings spin, and... "Yes! You have summoned me, the fearless Jaguarman!" the cat-suited weirdo shouts from atop the platform. "Just remember, I'm not a tiger! I'm a jaguar!"

"Neat. Any interest in being a janitor?" I ask, massaging my temples.

"No way, Jose! I'm too important for that!" the woman in a fucking catsuit says. "Give me a big job, like field commander!"

"I'm field commander," I say, feeling my irritation rise.

"Well, are you doing it well?" she asks.

Okay, that is fucking it. "Actually, we only have two positions available for you: Janitor, or fur rug. May I ask which opening you wish to fill, so we can get you started right away?"

"Janitor!" Jaguarman squeaks, face deathly pale. "Definitely janitor!"

"Excellent! Roman will give you the rundown, and I'll expect the stains in the hallway to have been cleaned by tomorrow morning. Well then, off you go!" And with that said, I head off in search of aspirin.

 

[Reality_Impact]

"Oh. It's you. Splendid!" Hans Christian Anderson says as the light clears.

Click to shrink...

YES, FINALLY IT'S THE GOODEST BOY

The rings spin, and... "Yes! You have summoned me, the fearless Jaguarman!"

Click to shrink...

AHAHAHAHAHA
Chaos has arrived in yout Chaldea Charlie, and it's name is Jaguar Warrior.

 

[Limbo]

"Marriage?" both Medusa and Euryale shriek, while the blood drains from Cu's face.

Click to shrink...

Man, this seems like a fun opportunity to screw with him. Hell, all of the Cu's if you look at it like that. Tease Medusa as well for her new Harem of strapping young lads.