My Light Novel Isekai Story is Stressful As Expected (Eiyuu Senki Friend Insert ft. NekoNekoBoy)

[Alexander]

Chapter 31: Sexy and I Know it

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There's probably a saying out there somewhere, something about how the deeper you look into something, the worse it gets.

That's basically India, but on a mass scale.

Like no, I'm not kidding the deeper we delve into this country the worse the corruption seems to get. It's like they're purposefully mocking us half the time as the gap between the rich and the poor seems to get wider and wider despite the fact that we were getting closer to the richer parts of India.

And that's not even mentioning the fact that the 1% keeps on managing to get away from us! Some fucking how they're never here when we try to conquer the city! I'm starting to doubt that they even exist in the first place!

I have to hand it to them though, if they do exist than they're very good at being a little bitch.

"W-Why?!" Himiko surveyed the empty palace of our latest conquest, Delhi, with an incredulous look. "The Maharaja...He's gone! Again!"

"I'm starting to wonder if he's just a big joke India is playing on us." I sighed, putting a hand to my head. "We've surrounded the city before and he still managed to escape, was he even there?"

"Perhaps there is a secret passage somewhere?" Himiko mused. "Maybe they used that to escape."

"If there was someone would've discovered it when we surveyed the palaces." And may or may not have let a few angry citizens make a mess of the place, "I don't get it, is he invisible or something?!"

"It'd be much easier if they would just give up and come out to fight us already..."

A staff tapped against the ground, the jingle of metal rings signaling the arrival of Sanzou. "As long as our hearts are just, evil will never prevail on earth! It looks like it's finally my turn. Leave this to me, Hakkai."

"Alright, fine, do what you have to. I even give you permission to release the monkey king if things come down to it."

"The cruel scars left by the Maharaja... First, we must close the wound and let the people rise up! Hakkai, please gather the people in the main square. I will find the Maharaja. And have Gojyo helps you: I understand that it takes time for her broken arm to heal, but it isn't an excuse to slack off."

"Why do I have a bad feeling about this...?" Himiko muttered with dread.

====

"Right we got 'em in a square, what now?"

I swear to god if she was going to lecture them and we'd have a brainwashed army on our hands...

"Good work. You've always been good at gathering people, Hakkai." Sanzou praised me. "Goku, are you ready?"

The monkey cried in agreement.

"Heheh, well said. Then, let's start the sermon. To heal the hearts of the people and make them well again."

A few loud thumps of her staff were enough to gather the general attention. Without even taking a deep breath Sanzou began speaking with a soothing voice: "I believe that to live is to struggle... But the people in this world do not believe that there are things to struggle against-"

And that was about all I managed to hear before an instinctive fear gripped my heart and I ran as far away from the scene as possible.

When they managed to find me five hours later somewhere in a house at the very end of the city, the soldiers had bloodshot eyes and I for one smelled like literal shit. It was a bad day but apparently the Majajajaja had finally been found hiding in the civilians.

...I should listen to my gut more.

====

A week later after that nightmarish event we finally managed to make it to the final city. The final stand before we truly conquered India. We had made it to-

"Gandhara." Yoshi sighed.

"Ganandhara."

"Gandhara."

"Gandihara."

"You're doing this on purpose aren't you."

I didn't answer that question.

The city was different than the others. Situated in the mountains, most of the buildings were carved out of stones and cliff faces, with giant Buddha statues spread everywhere giving it a somber and austere feeling. While the numerous plants, rivers and waterfalls provided to the citizens' needs.

"Everyone, did you notice?" Himiko pointed out when we arrived in sight of the city. For once, the local army was waiting for us outside of it.

"The enemy movements in this city are totally different than what we're seen until now." Sun immediately pointed out. "There's such a big difference in their skill and control that it's almost as if it's an entirely different country."

"It's different from the other cities in that it's flourishing too." Nobu added. "Ashoka's city...to think it would be so different from the rest of India."

"So we can get two possibilities from this." I put a hand to my chin, "Well, maybe just one: Ashoka is a competent ruler but for various reasons cannot extended her actual reign of power to the other cities in India."

"That sounds possible." Yoshi nodded. "Still, for the Maharaja to be so incompetent without her doing anything about it..."

"Simple answer, maybe. You said that there were reports of her trying to clean up the country before it suddenly nosedived into the terrible mess it is today right?"

"Yes. All the stories agree that she initially rose as a defender of the people."

"Than we can reasonably assume that it wasn't her that caused the corruption but rather outside interference." I tilted my head, "Say, someone managed to get a secret of hers and then blackmailed her? Or maybe threatened someone close to her? That person would then be someone on the side of the Maharaja, which would mean that the Maharaja have complete power over India. With them having nothing to fear from the Empress of their country, they would naturally feel invincible and that nothing could touch them, which allowed the corruption to fester even more and with people looking to the Empress while she couldn't do anything..."

I pointed a finger behind me to the rest of India, "That. Then again, I could be wrong."

I'm always wrong whenever I seem to have a clue after all.

"It isn't outside of the realm of possibilities." Yoshi conceded, looking impressed.

"Now! The time has come to take back our freedom." Sanzou thumped her staff into the ground, eyes ablaze with religious passion. "To set right this corrupt country and return it to its original state!"

"But who's going to explain it to her?" The ponytailed girl finished, tilting her head towards Sanzou.

"Oi Sanzou!" I yelled, "A third party may have been involved in Ashoka's corruption against her own will so if that turns out to be the case you must make the one who forced her down the path of evil see the light and allow her just heart to return!"

Okay I have been spending way too much time around that women.

"Color me pleasantly surprised." Sun said. "So they don't call you the Savant of Zipang for nothing."

"Eh," I shrugged, "I haven't had any of these weird little moments since I arrived in Taika and I'm always 100% wrong so..."

Internally I was laughing but honestly yeah for once I wanted to be right.

"So you've shown yourselves." Someone called out from the other army before a figure flanked by bodyguards moved within sight. "Greetings. I am Ashoka."

She was a tan haired women with white veils on her body... and uh.

"OKAY TIMEOUT!" I crossed my arms, "YOU! WOMAN! WHAT! WHERE ARE YOUR CLOTHES?!"

"O-Oni-san!" A red-faced Himiko yelled. "Don't look! She's a pervert! A pervert has appeared! ...What little self-respect I had is fading too..."

"I've heard you were an evil group, so I've come before you can deploy some trap, but..." Her stern eyes narrowed in slight confusion. "There seem to be no signs of any ploy in the area. What cruel plan are you devising?"

"There is nothing we can do that could ever top the cruelty of what you're doing right now." I shielded my eyes, "How can we fight you if we can't even look at you? Do you even have any modesty?"

She looked even more confused. "But this is my regular formal wear..."

"That's even worse!" My voice roared across the battlefield, "Honestly is India just a country of indulgence?! What kind of sane person would willingly walk around with nothing to cover themselves up with! At least Nobu over here has the excuse of having a bad influence growing up!"

"Hey!" The pink-haired woman roared.

"You know what you're doing!" I yelled back before turning to India's Empress, "Seriously there's a giant statue of Buddha right there but the way you dress quite clearly gives off the impression that you are a women who thinks of nothing but Worldly Desires!"

"You're nothing at all like I've heard." She said with a soft tone before gasping. "Could this...already be your trap...?"

"Don't feign innocence!" Sanzou butted in. "You're the one who has trapped the people-"

"SOMEONE COVER HER MOUTH!"

Nobu and Sasaki grabbed her limbs, while Lu put a hand over her mouth. Goku seemed content to let it go without interfering for now. I'll appease my stone monkey overlord later, for now though...

"BACK ON TOPIC!" I yelled, spinning around and pointing at Ashoka, "Do you have any semblance of shame for wearing such an indecent outfit?! Do you feel no embarrassment?! Did you get someone to make you clothes and they turned out to be 'invisible'?! My faith in humanity is at stake here!"

"Thrice you've criticized my clothes. Can I ask what do you see of wrong in them?"

"Okay it's like this," A sigh escaped my lips as I thought of a way to explain it, "How would you feel if you walked around as naked as the day you were born for everyone to see?"

"I do so every morning for the purification bath in the river. There is nothing wrong with that, all the faithful citizens do the same." She stated without hesitation. "I adhere strictly to the dharma law and right all wrongs. I establish the law and protect order. Those who are just have nothing to be ashamed of."

...I took a deep breath before sighing.

"You know what? I'm done. I'm done with Himiko I'm done with Nobu I'm done with Yoshi, Done with BenBen, Done with Zipang, Done with Taika, Done with India, Done with Humanity, Done with world conquest, Done with people's stupid fucking fashion sense, done with the Earth, done with reality, done with the multiverse, BUT MOST OF ALL I AM DONE WITH YOU AND YOUR STUPID FUCKING OUTFIT!!! TSUMURAGI NO TACHI!!!!!"

What would usually happen is a giant man of flame would appear.

What actually happened was that my world exploded into pain and the words DON'T BE AN IDIOT appeared in my head.

...Fine.

"Can-" I began through the pain, "Can we just schedule this whole fight until like, tomorrow or something?"

"So you can prepare your trap?" Her eyes narrowed in suspicion. "I think not. I can't trust a country that invade without a proclamation of war-"

"Hold it!" I exclaimed tiredly, "We did send one of those. I would know, I hate having to write one of those because I have to write it over and over again okay not the point. Point being that we did send one of those and it looks like you never got it so another question, what is this country like outside of this city?"

"So you only intend to compound your lies... I thought there might be a deeper reason."

A torrent of green energy, flowing upwards like an inverse waterfall, erupted around her. The ground shook, and suddenly the almost naked woman didn't look so funny anymore.

"But it appears I was mistaken."

"She just got scary all of a sudden..." Himiko pointed out the obvious.

"Himiko I literally can't find it in me to care." I declared flatly, "What's going on right now is so obvious I shouldn't even have to spell it out right now."

Her guards hold out to Ashoka two golden spinning disks, bigger than the ones I saw before and covered with fang-like blades. The weapons began to spin around her wrists. "As the ruler of the people, it is my duty to fight in their place. Face me in a fair duel if you dare, people of Zipang! Should you win, I will listen to what you have to say. But if I win, you shall leave India immediately!"

I stepped forward silently, drawing my blade. Ugh I was too tired for this bullshit...

"My name is Ashoka, Queen of India. Prepare yourself!" It was her declaration before throwing one of her disks at me. It spun so fast it was making the same sound as a buzzsaw. My hands moved before I could even register it and pretty soon I was pushing against the disk with my blade before parrying it off to the side.

The next disk was already upon me, while the one I parried flied back to Ashoka. I parried it off to the side again and watched it fly right back to the indian woman.

Huh, auto return. Okay the- Aw fuck dodge!

This time both disks swept through my former position as I frantically began a mad dash to where Ashoka stood, glowing with green energy and- No I really can't look at her!

She dropped down, closing the distance between us in a heartbeat before rising with a kick aimed at my chest. My body slipped to the side and I threw out a jab with my free hand, only for Ashoka's elbow to push it away just enough for me to miss. Her other hand rose, the disks moving into position above her palm before she swept her limb down, as if trying to split me in half.

If there's one thing I'm learning from this experience? It's that I. Hate. Martial. Artists.

Which is stupid considering I technically count as one but honestly how the hell am I supposed to beat her?!

Ugh you know what? Fine.

I ducked to one side of her palm swipe as TNT appeared on the other and with a "Rah!" we slashed with both of our swords in synch.

...Ashoka was already jumping back before I materialized TNT.

I just, come on Emiya give me a fucking break.

Her hands came together and went through a lightning-quick series of hand seals. "There is no helping it!"

A dark mist covered the area, forming menacing skulls-like shapes that seemed to curse me to death with their empty sockets. For a moment my body felt heavier, as if I suddenly lost part of my strength, before a surge of energy from within lessened the effect.

"Is uh," I glanced at the skulls, "Is this supposed to do something?"

"Has my Cursing Mudra not effect on you?" Ashoka was astonished. "I may have underestimated you!"

"No, uh, it's just Plot Armor." I muttered, "What kind of debuff was it anyways?"

"So it's a spell woven into your armor. In that case, I shall strip it off!" The disks flying into her hands Ashoka dashed forward and jumped to descend upon me like a meteor.

"Wait what the hell are you planning on- Gah!"

While the disks slammed against my and TNT's swords Ashoka's hands went to one of my pauldrons, trying to rip it out. "Ow ow ow I'm wearing that stop trying to strip me!"

In response she switched to a less covered area, delicate fingers clenching through fabric as if made of steel. As fast as I could I did the only thing I could think of!

I moved my head to bite her arm.

...I'm no cannibal but she actually tastes kinda good. And I haven't had my pill today so that's saying something.

"Kya!" Her muscles clenched, formerly soft flesh turning hard and unyielding. She pulled back, looking both surprised and embarrassed.

"Oni-san! Watch out!" Himiko cried out. "She's a shameless pervert! Don't let her touch you!"

"Grr..." I growled, glaring at her. "Don't make me bite you again!"

I will do it!

"You are persistent. So be it." Her eyes hardened. "If my Cursing Mudra does not work, then I shall dedicate all of myself to a direct attack!"

She spread her arms before clapping her palms together above her head, disks spinning around them with increased speed until they're a golden blur.

What happened next could be best summed as a beam of light shooting out of her hands before curving towards me while taking the form of a massive meteor!

"Oh fuck!" I shouted, beginning to run as far away from her as possible, "OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK-"

I felt the shockwave before hearing the explosion, the force lifting me up like a feather caught in a storm. Instinctual knowledge flooded my mind as my fire began to spread out over my body in the form of very familiar armor. Tsumugari no Tachi and I became one in that very moment as the meteor crashed into me.

The name of the skill reached my lips.

It could only be called…

"Go-Shintai!"

I had never felt more anime in my life and it was great.

Pure destruction washed over and around me, the protection granted by my new skill tested but unbroken. I stood, finding myself looking down on Ashoka like a giant.

Or I would if she wasn't so freakin tall. I'm only 5'5 okay?!

"You...survived." Her voice was even. "None did before, not since...Perhaps in my younger years I could have pulled through, but further violence is meaningless." Her expression softened, her spinning disks flying back to her bodyguards. "It is not my wish to bring harm to others. Zipang, I shall listen to what you have to say."

"Right, cutting past all the bullshit, first." I declared as the fire armor went away, "You're being lied to for profit."

"Eh?"

"Okay look," I waved my hand, "What do you know about the rest of India?"

"I received notice of your invasion only when your army was close to the capital."

"What? No I mean like, the general state of India."

"Can't you see this city?" Her arm gestured to Gandhara. "The laws of dharma are observed. The people are happy."

I grimace, "Ouch, it's just as bad as I thought. Okay um, look. How do I put this? Oh wait I already did: You're being lied to. Manipulated even, probably by the staff officials inside your capital. Because this city? This city is the only place like this in India. The rest of the country is a complete mess."

"A, a mess? That's not possible, I can't believe India is-"

"If I may." Sun approached us. "Queen Ashoka, did you send this response to our declaration of war?"

We actually kept that?

The tanned woman looked at the letter in shock. "This is-! ...This is indeed the seal of India. But I don't recall..."

"You don't recall because you didn't." I interrupted, "Someone in India intercepted our declaration of war and wrote a reply back in your place. Probably the same people who have kept your sights solely on Gandhara for so long. Trust me, I've been through every single one of India's cities and the amount of corruption in them is astoundingly high, hell did someone say India's crime rate was at the highest it's ever been? I kinda remember someone saying that."

"While the Maharaja are living in luxury as the please." Sun added.

"Bribery." Goku's giant hand landed next to Sun, Sanzou standing on it. "-"

"Ahahahaha!" I exclaimed, dashing up to the woman and covering her mouth, "Don't. Don't listen to her at the moment. She speaks the truth but she uh, she speaks them in ways that quite honestly leave none sane."

"The Maharaja adhere to my laws. I cannot believe they would commit crimes against the people." She insisted, but her words lacked the previous heat.

"Do you want evidence? I'll give you evidence!" Nobu declared, looking like a mess. Probably the result of dealing with a magical gorilla. "Bring them here!"

The guards brought the chained Maharaja we captured in Delhi. "They confessed after I sentenced them to Himiko's tickling punishment. I could have been merciful and just resort to hot pokers, but I was still pissed off."

"Hey!" Himiko protested.

"In other words, it's like this." Sun raised a finger. "Queen Ashoka, you are a good and honest ruler. But the Maharaja are the opposite: they discarded the law for selfish reasons and fed you false reports. They likely wrote that response to our declaration of war as well. If a war had started, and their ruler arrived in their provincial cities, their crimes would have been found out."

"Please don't try to confuse me. The Maharaja are more strict with their rules than anyone." She looked at the chained men, but they averted their gazes without saying a word. "...Why don't you speak? It can't be that what Zipang says is true...?"

"F-Forgive me!" One of them cried, the others instantly looking at him in horror.

There was a loud sound of something breaking.

"Namusan." Sanzou clapped her hands, expression severe. "It seems the demon's seal has been lifted."

"Oi how did you escape my palm?!"

"By the will of the Heavens, Hakkai."

Ashoka began to tremble, an ominous red aura erupting around her like a volcano. "Hehe, hehehe, uhahaha..." Her soft laughter sent shivers down my spine.

"F-Forgive me! Not the full course! Anything but-"

"ORAORAORAORAORA!!!"

====

"The law has been upheld." Ashoka smiled serenely even while standing in the middle of absolute carnage, the screams of the damned still echoing.

"The evil has been vanquished." Sanzou nodded. "With that, the issue is settled."

"Goddamn when you said Goku will crush our enemies you meant it literally." I muttered, "A-Anyway. It looks like we've won the war so uh we should, you know, go discuss it at a table or something. Diplomatically. Without anymore bones being crushed."

The Queen of India smiled at me. "Ruler of Zipang, you have saved this country. Allow me to express my gratitude. I believe I can entrust the people to you with peace of mind. Please do what you can to lead this country."

"Great uh, first order of business: can you please put on something that covers up your body more? Please? For my peace of mind if anything."

"I don't understand, but if you insist. Please bring me one of my reserve Sari." She told her bodyguards.

Oi Oi I can see that look of disappointment you have on your face!

A few minutes later, after changing right in front of me (which I swear I didn't look at), she was thankful decent. "...I feel so hot." She complained softly while pulling at the fabric.

"Yeah well I feel hot just looking at you in the outfit you had on previously." I retorted, turning to face her. "It's either this or me not being able to look at you."

"Is this a cultural thing? I didn't know Zipang's dressing rules are so complex."

"What? No. It's just that I'm a guy and you're a very beautiful lady." I sighed, "And I'm not even from Zipang, I still get culture clash once in a while as well."

"So it's a gender issue?" Her cheeks are slightly red, probably from the 'beautiful' comment. "Ah, but I do not want to waste your time meaninglessly. What is your response?"

"My... Response?"

"She entrusted her country to you." Yoshi whispered. "You should at least reassure her."

"Oh! Oh yes um," I coughed, "I promise, to the best of my ability, to try and make all of India as wonderful as Gandhara."

"Ashoka-san, your help would be greatly appreciated." Himiko added. "Since you did such a wonderful job here, I am sure you can fix the rest of India faster than any of us can once you find competents helpers."

"...Are you serious?" She was evidently surprised. "But I've already failed once."

"Yeah but like, who hasn't failed before?" I shrugged, "Those who try to shoot for the moon will inevitably fail but if they get back up and keep trying than they can at least land among the stars."

Ashoka was silent for a few moments before smiling again. "It was you who liberated this country from tyranny, rather than I. Allow me to ask something in return." She bowed waist-deep. "Though I lack ability, please allow me to aid you, Ruler of Zipang."

"Aw come on get up, bowing so deep for something I myself am not good in is embarrassing." I sighed, "But yes, please, please please please help because the following days are going to be a nightmare I can already tell."

"Hehe, it looks as though I'll be in high spirit if I can be by your side."

Sanzou was also laughing. "The journey to reform the world is about to start picking up again!"

Oh god she was sticking with us.

====

Notes:

Chen: WE'RE BACK BABY!
Alex: My new PC is a blast. 4k resolution, didn't even know it was possible.
Chen: In other news, I hate you all. Ashoka come on! And I though Nobu was bad...

 

[Alexander]

Chapter 32: Shenanigans

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"Chen, Chen." Lancelot cheerfully walked up to me and showed a world map with a lot of red circles drawn into it. "Please look at this."

"What is it?" I asked, glancing at the map, "Did you rate the world's countries based on deliciousness of food?"

"Close, but not. It's my very own handmade 'eat 'till you drop' tour map!" She smiled. "I made it before coming to Zipang."

She pointed to a place on the island nation. "I'd like to eat some oden! It's Zipang's most famous food. If there's any delicious restaurant you know, please show me."

I stared at her before slowly pointing a finger at myself, "You're asking me. Literally the worst person to come to when it comes to food."

"Isn't that great? We can experience it for the first time together!"

"Oh no! You are not shoving food in my face for days again!"

====

"Come quick Chen!" Lancelot called out from further up the road. "I can't wait any longer for Zipang's oden!"

"How did you convince me." I stared flatly as I began to catch up to the girl, "Literally how."

I don't understand.

"Just when I was wondering what the problem is." Nobu shook her head. "She wants you to show her an oden spot..."

"Yeah why are you the one considered the best on food anyways?" I grumbled, crossing my arms, "Himiko maybe I can see but you?"

She actually sighed at that, while making an exhausted face. "Who do you think you're talking to...?"

"An old lad-"

"You weren't supposed to answer that Brat!" she roared, drawing the attention of everyone around us, "And how many times do I have to say it?! I'm not old! I only need to show you a place, right?"

"Oh so you don't want food?" I asked, sighing, "For shame Nobu. Just think, when is the next time you'll get to eat Oden with friends? Oh, wait."

"Another word, and I'll do something deserving arrest. I'll give myself amnesty afterwards." She half-growled, half-bragged. "Whatever! I'm getting a bit hungry myself anyways. "Lancelot, follow me! There is no food that way!"

And with that she began to walk away… In a complete different direction.

Mother fucker!

Moving on, Nobu lead the two of us to a restaurant in the vicinity, where she ordered a whole hot pot. A very, very large hot pot.

Like really, it was about the size of a goddamn pizza or something. And not those small boxes either, no we're talking a whole pizza. The kind of thing that you never actually eat for yourself. Which you know, is fair since she's with the two of us but- "Okay so we're sharing that right?'

"Of course: it's Lancelot, you know?" Nobu grinned. "Either way, she'll eat it in no time. It'd be annoying to have to keep calling the waitress over. Now she can have all the oden she wants."

And the girl in question was already eating it! "Should, should we time her?"

"Uwaah… There's so much oden! The hot pot is totally full!" Lancelot was beaming almost as hard as Arthur.

"Just eat quickly, but make sure to savor the taste. Take whatever you like." Nobu said to both of us while taking one of the biggest pieces.

"Alriiiiight!!"

"Christ you two are big eaters." I grumbled, taking some of the pot for my own. Hm, the taste is… "Eh, it's alright I guess."

Surprisingly enough Lancelot had yet to stuff her face full. Instead she was staring at me, a bit of drool escaping her mouth. "What's your favorite, Chen?"

"...My favorite what? Food?"

"Part of the oden."

"Oh, well I guess I don't have an opinion." I shrugged, "I'm not exactly a food kind of guy."

"Mmmhh… What about the eggs?" Without even waiting for an answer she began to fill my plate with eggs. "I read in a book that once the egg has absorbed enough broth for the yolk to change color, adding karashi mustard makes it really delicious!"

"Oi Oi! Don't just fill my plate with eggs!" I exclaimed before moving them to her plate, "You eat them!"

"Well, now I know I won't share the dry sakè with you two." Nobu nonchalantly drinked from a cup.

"Thank you for the food-waait! I'm thankful, really!, but have some eggs too." With great care she cut them in half and, using chopsticks, moved the eggs close to my face . "Here, I cut it in half for you. Eat up!"

"Noooope!" I exclaimed, moving my head back, "Let me eat what I want to eat!"

"But it's soooo good!"

"I will activate Operation nut hell! Don't you dare think I wouldn't!"

"Noooo! Not the nut hell!" She was quick to back away at that, her expression horrified.

I let out a deep sigh before relaxing back in my chair, "Well, now that that horrifying catastrophe has been averted, we should probably move on to a topic other than food."

"Hell not. I'm here to eat, talking is for those with their stomach full." Nobu waved a hand. "Eat something, can't you see Lancelot is waiting for you to eat first?"

The brown-haired girl was indeed staring at the pot with deep longing.

"...Seriously?" I raised an eyebrow, "For fucks sake- Lancelot devour."

She looked at the pot, at the eggs and then at my plate. Something seemed to click within her brain. "Thank you for the food!"

Her chopsticks became a blur, grabbing one piece of food and depositing it inside her mouth before going back to the pot. Her jaws were going up and down with mechanical precision, and the food seemed to out right vanish before my eyes. It was like looking into the abyss, a hungry hungry abyss that always seemed to want more.

Dear god what had I unleashed?

"Whoa! You're fast!" Nobu gaped. "Isn't that hot!?"

"Silly Nobu," I began as I stared at the sight in front of me, "The heat just makes it better."

"Says the one not actually eating it!"

====

Lancelot put down the second hot pot on the table with a satisfied smile. "One more, please!"

"Huh." I blinked before turning back to Nobu, "Another round?"

The pink-haired girl's eyes were unfocused. "How can someone so small eat so much...?"

"Anyways!" My head turned back to the Hungry-Hungry knight, "Since Nobu seems to have uncovered a horrific truth of the universe, I've been meaning to ask, what's Britannia like?"

All the cheerfulness was instantly drained from Lancelot's face, replaced with a flat stare. "Horrible."

"...Is Arthur like a really shitty queen or am I missing something?" I sighed, "Look if you don't want to talk about it…"

"Oh no, Queen Arthur is a fantastic monarch. But Britannia's food is bad. It's so bad they have yet to invent a word that properly describe how bad it is."

Britannia's food was- And then I started chuckling to myself, "Pfft oh yeah that's right! The Britain of my timeline invaded the world for all of their spices but than once they were done decided that they didn't like spice!"

"Spices would be nice…" Lancelot eyes turned empty. "Anything that doesn't taste like cardboard, or is oversalted…"

"Yeah Britain is like, really shit with their food." I waved my hand, "And also tea. They are obsessed with tea in my timeline dear god."

"Tea is good. It's the only ray of sunshine among the desolation of Britannia's food." Lancelot suddenly perked up. "I like mine with lot of sugar and milk!"

"I just like milk." I shrugged, "Sorry but no tea for me."

"I prefer sakè, tea has not enough kick for me." Nobu commented, having apparently recovered. "Anyway, do you really want more?"

"Yes pleaseeee! One more pot, with a lot of sauce on it!"

"Do you even have the money for that?!"

My body came to a halt as I suddenly realized something, "Um, guys? ...Who's paying?"

Lancelot keeped smiling in anticipation, while Nobu stealthy moved to face the door.

Oh.

Shit.

"Hey Lancelot?" I began before making a grab at Nobu in order to keep her down, "I don't think we have the money to afford another bowl!"

Her face returns to being emotionless. "Eeeeh..."

Nobu begins sweating.

"Alright so, since I'm assuming Lancelot didn't bring money I'm going to have to ask." I turned to face the pink haired women, "You do have money right?"

"....Look. If you keep her from eating more and add something on your own...I can pay. But no more than that."

"Got it." My hands reached out for my money bag before placing it on the table, "How much? And you better not cheat me or I'll… tie you up and throw you at the mercy of Himiko's tickle torture."

====

Upon our return from the epic meal the first people we met at the mansion were Shi, Sun and Lu. The Empress of Taika was, as always, coughing.

"Welcome back." Shi greeted us before going back to read a catalogue together with Lu. "I would like your opinion on something. Shin needs new medicines that actually work, so I was looking at the newest health products in the new Amasson catalog…"

"This looks good, right?" Lu pointed to something. "This rodeo machine, 'The Red Hare', is on sale"

"Rodeo machi- Holy shit Lu that is the worst thing you could offer as a health product are you insane?!" I shouted, snatching the catalog from Shi's hands, "You're more likely to break a bone than get better!"

"The new Amasson catalog? Let me see, let me see." Nobu grabbed one side of the magazine. "Ah! They're selling a new type of musket. Nice!"

"I agree, that looks too rigorous for Shi." Sun popped up between us. "Hmmm...there is something written here about medicine for perpetual youth from Huangshan."

"That's a fucking scam." My eyes scanned over the description, "Oh yeah, that's a major scam."

"I agree. Today there is no one that can prove the existence of such medicine. It's probably much better to head for Huangshan and find the mountain ascetics of legend ourselves!"

"No no no no no!" I yelled at the green haired women, crossing my arms in an x shape repeatedly, "Are you an idiot?!"

She crossed her arms and frowned. "Are you saying you don't want to help Shi feel better? I don't need your permission to go there."

"That's it, Lancelot help me push the both of these idiots out!" I quickly grabbed the smaller women and pushed away from us, "Shoo! Shoo!"

The small knight looked between a surprised Shi and Lu. "Who's Idiot Number 2?"

"Lu!"

Lancelot smiled brightly. "I refuse!"

"...Dammit I can't argue with that logic." I grumbled, "Alright, Lu? Shoo."

"Why are you against visiting Huangshan?" She asked. "Even if we don't find those ascetics, maybe mountain air will be good for Shi."

"I don't want-" She coughed. "I don't want to be a bother."

"You have never been a bother Shi." The redhead smiled.

"What she said!" Sun jerked out of my grip and glared at me.

Nobu was still reading the catalog, ignoring everything else.

"It's not that I'm against going to Huangshan, it's that you two are terrible at looking for medicine." I groaned, putting my palm to my face, "In the span of five minutes you two have suggested getting a dangerous machine and falling for a complete scam."

"You forget I declared myself against both." Sun nodded sagely. "That is why I suggested looking for the real thing. don't underestimate three thousands years of Taika medicine!"

I stared, silently recalling the time when Shi had mercury poisoning.

Mmm. Right. Three thousand years of Taika medicine. Uh huh.

"Oh come on." Nobu scoffed. "If they want to check a rumor why don't you let them? I doubt they will repeat the mistake of feeding their precious empress a shady medicine without testing it first."

Sun and Lu had the decency to blush.

"Are you sure about that?"

"Go with them to make sure, no?"

...I sighed, "Fiiiineeee. But I reserve the right to make fun of them when we find nothing."

====

A few days later we arrived at the bottom of Mount Huangshan. "The medicine we're seeking, it's here?" Lu asked.

"It's still a little early to say for sure, Lu." Sun replied. "It's only a rumor after all."

"Bu Shi will get better if she just drinks the medicine. You understand why I'd want to believe in a rumor like that, don't you?"

"It's a good thought sure," I nodded, "But people tend to take advantage of good thoughts like those."

"Oh, I have come prepared for that." She grinned while eyeing you and Lu. "Now, about the mountain ascetics. There's a number of witnesses who have seen them near the summit."

Shi coughed. "Please don't push yourself too hard…"

"Alright," My arms crossed my chest as I turned to the green haired women, "So what have you found out?"

"Nothing yet. We have to go to the summit and search anywhere someone might be able to hide."

"That's why we're here." Lu rolled her shoulder. Her other arm was still in a cast, but she was going to take it out soon. "Everyone follow me! Whether a dragon or a beast attacks, this Lu Bu will kick 'em around!"

====

It took like, three, four hours but we had finally made it up to the the summit of the mountain. There were no dragons or beast by the way. In fact the most hostile thing we found was literally just a rock Lu tripped over.

Of course there was one thing....

Shi isn't exactly what you'd call athletic, or even just physically fit and about half way through I had to put her arm over my shoulder and help her walk up the mountain.

Look! I'd feel bad if I just left her there or worse, let Lu carry her up the mountain!

Goddammit Lancelot! Why did you and Nobu have to leave me to hike up the mountain with these guys?!

"Sorry, I ended up being a burden to you..." Shi shyly looked down. The blush on her face never quite fade since I helped her.

"It's fine, I couldn't just leave you there you know?" I scratched my head, "Uh, give me a sec I have a follow up line somewhere."

"We haven't seen any dangerous animal, let alone an ascetic…" Lu complained.

"It was actually quite the healthy climb." Sun giggled. "And because of you, Lu, we haven't suffered any harm. So then, this is the summit." She looked around at the mostly barren landscape. "If the rumors are true, there should be an ascetic around here…"

As if summoned by those exact words an old woman appeared from the other side. "It's awfully noisy today." She complained loudly. "It's spoiling the scenery."

I glanced at the old woman before beginning to take several steps backwards.

You don't fuck with old people yo. My gut instinct tells me she's some sort of witch who'll curse us if we annoy her too much.

I want to be as far away from that kind of shenanigans!

"Mmh?" She finally noticed us. "Do you have business with me? Before climbing down, you should take the time to fully admire the scenery." She said while looking straight at me.

"Well not any business with you specifically. I think." I shrugged before pointing towards Sun, "They came here looking for something. I just followed along."

"Where is the medicine?!" Lu asked in a hurry.

"What are you talking about all of a sudden?" The old woman replied with a calm tone.

"She means the medicine for eternal youth. If you're the ascetic, you should know. Please tell us so we can save Shi!" Sun clarified.

"You young girls are awfully pushy, you know that?"

"P-Please excuse our sudden intrusion…" Shi stood on her own and approached the woman. "If you know anything about the medicine, would you please tell us…?"

"At least one of you is polite…" She huffed. "The medicine for eternal youth? Sorry but I don't have it. I am merely an apprentice ascetic, barely in her third decade of meditation."

"Guh!" Sun made a face of utter defeat and disappointment.

"Well, that was a waste of time…" Lu sighed.

I turned to face the green haired woman with the most smugges- Wait hold the phone, "Wait you mean the medicine exists but you don't have it?"

"It may exist, it may not. Certain secrets are no revealed to apprentices." She explained. "You should try visiting my master. He should be in the Taklamakan desert now. If you'll excuse me." She bowed and began to walk away.

"Ah. Thank you, miss…"

"Jing Ke, young lady." Were the woman's last words before moving out of sight.

"Well," I blinked, "That just happened."

Don't know why that name sounds familiar…

Eh, chinese names all sound the same.

"I thought we'd be able to let Shi drink it right away…" Lu complained. "I should have hurried here first by myself."

"Oi oi did you two not learn your lesson on shady medicines?!" I complained, "You have to test it on something to make sure it works! Otherwise we'll just have another mercury incident on our hands and I don't want Shi to go through another surgery again!"

"Chen is right, even if there are only a few drops in existence we should test them first." Sun said. "But now we know where to find a master ascetic. We'll definitely find Shi's medicine next time. Now that we're finished here, let's head back quickly."

"Uhm…" Shi began to fidget. "Can we stay here for a short time? The view is so beautiful…"

"Sure we can catch a break here." I nodded, "Should've brought some food with me…."

"I guess it can't be helped." Sun looked at me with a strange glint in her eyes as she said that. "Shi and Chen can enjoy the beautiful scenery together while Lu and I make sure there are no dangers coming."

"I know exactly what that look in your eyes means woman!" I shouted back, "Your next thought is 'Ah, Shi is finally becoming a woman.'"

"I'm glad we're on the same page! Just tell us if we're in the way Shi, and we'll leave you alone."

"T-That's…" Shi blushed. "You're just making fun of me…"

"She grabbed on him when she tripped too." Lu nodded sagely.

"H-Hey…" She coughed. "I really tripped. Y-You two are misunderstanding me...He just helped me and-"

She spat out blood.

"...I'm bleeding." Were her last words before collapsing.

"Shi? Shi?!" Oh god oh god oh god, "Help me find some place to let her rest!"

"Shi! Hang on!" Sun began to panic. "We'll take you to a doctor as soon as possible!"

Eventually Shi recovered and we returned home, but the doctors banned any further hiking for the foreseeable future. *

===

Notes:

Looks up Jing Ke

Chen: Well shit.
Alex: Maybe I was just fishing around for chinese names and this is a coincidence?
Chen: My ass you were!

 

[Alexander]

Chapter 33: Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap

====

"So Oni-san, our next target is Mongolia, right?"

"Blrrgggg…"

"He says yes." Yoshi translated from my side, "I have asked Sun Tzu and Qin Shi Huang for information about Mongolia, since it's their neighbor, and prepared an explanation."

She picked up the first paper of a small pile, gave it a cursory glance and nodded before putting it back. "Mongolia is under the control of the Great Khan Kublai Khan-"

"Wait the Great Kahn Kubai what?" I blinked, pulling my head up from the table, "That be the Kahn family?"

"Not exactly. Khan is their term for 'king' or 'ruler', while Great Khan is someone who hold the alliance of all other Khan, like an emperor." Yoshi explained. "When someone become a Khan they take it as their surname, as proof of their authority."

"Huh." Remembering my timeline… "Well that explains why they pulled a Rome in my timeline."

Nobu raised an eyebrow. "What exactly does 'pulling a Rome' even mean?"

"Well I mean, back in my timeline at least, most people have at least vaguely heard of the Mongols because these are the guys who conquered most of Asia if I recall." I waved my hands a bit, "Of course, when I say pulling a Rome I mean that they eventually grew too big that they couldn't hold themselves together, ended up with a succession crisis or something, and than promptly broke in on itself."

"Wait, are you saying bigger isn't always better?" Himiko asked with honest confusion.

Everyone looked at her with a blank stare.

I swiveled back to the meeting room, "Right, let's all pretend Himiko doesn't exist for the rest of this meeting."

And then it hit me.

"Wait was that an innuendo?"

"Apparently." Yoshi sighed, Nobu cackled, Himiko blushed and BenBen didn't get it. "Moving on, Mongolia is evenly matched in strength with their neighboring countries. This is due to two factors: the land itself is mostly made up of large plains, and their great focus on cavalry. It is said there are no better horses than the Mongolian ones, and this gives them unparalleled mobility. In fact it appears they don't settle in one place, but rather migrate at fixed intervals."

"Yeah if I remember correctly Mongolia was originally a bunch of migrating tribes that just so happened to get united than a country straight from the get go." I nodded, "Also I vaguely recall something about the Mongols actually being ahead of their time when it comes to military commanders and stuff but I don't know if that's applicable here."

"Well it seems Kublai is beloved by her people, just as much as Qin Shi Huang is beloved by her subjects." Yoshi nodded. "I don't know much about the quality of their military commanders, they have not go to war since the time of their unification a few generations ago, but it would not do to underestimate them. Mobility is their strong point, so to avoid being overwhelmed we have to remain calm and composed."

"Right," I nodded, "Himiko you can leave now. Nobu as well."

"Hey!" They both shouted.

"I haven't finished." Yoshi informed everyone with a raised tone. "Mongols also have a long-standing archery tradition, especially when riding horses. That will require we develop new strategies to counter it, since we never had to deal with archers that can move around so fast." She looked through the pile of papers again and pulled out one near the bottom. "One final thing: it seems that, recently, they've made a new ally. The intelligence is scarce, though, so we're not sure what kind of person they are…"

"Well if the pattern holds than they're probably bad news." Yeah, hm….

"I'll have Tadataka confirm it." She put back the paper. "This is the end of our current intelligence regarding Mongolia. Now we need to send a declaration of war and wait for the reply."

"Bleh."

====

"Hey Himiko," I began as we walked through the streets, "When was the last time we actually went somewhere together with just the two of us?"

"It was...uhm...maybe...no...then when?" Himiko looked so focused I could almost see steam escaping her ears. "Too long, that's what! It's wonderful than our dream of world conquest is becoming a reality, but it eats all of our free time!" She fumed before smiling again. "We should make sure to enjoy those rare times. Is there anything you need, Oni-san?"

"Er, not that I can think of…" Hm, "What about you?"

"Uhm…"

"Rare items for sale!" A cheerful voice suddenly shouted. "Available nowhere else in the world! Premium, world-class, especially rare items for sale!"

"Rare items?! Premium!?" Himiko basically teleported to the stand where the voice came from.

"Aw shit- Himiko!" I yelled, rushing to get to her side before she did something stupid. I had to blink though when I saw who was manning the stand.

She had uh, green hair, a bright red short skirt, yellow stockings, and generally looked like she was thrown inside of a Macy's and just came out with whatever someone threw at her.

"Each and every item here is a rarity you won't see elsewhere." She boasted while holding up a vase. "Those kinds of beauties are only available here and now!"

"Ooooh!" Himiko's eyes were sparkling. "How much?"

"The prices, of course, are also premium. But they're definitely worth it. Like this mirror from Europe." She handed out a hand-held mirror to Himiko before turning to me with a smile. "Ah, that gentleman there. Does any of my wares interest you?"

"Hm…" I looked at the table, "Question: What makes your items premium?"

"Everything is master-crafted, and many of them are unique. Like this one." With some difficulty she lifted what looked like a greatly decorated block of metal, a red gem in the middle, and put it on the stand. "This belonged to a famous mage who could predict the future. It is said that, if you closely look into the gem, you will see a vision of your immediate future. Why do you not try it?"

"Mm…" There's no way you could predict the future that easily… "Ah, I just have a few questions first Miss…."

She smiled. "Marco Polo."

PFFT!

"Marco Polo?!" I yelled, reeling back. "As in the explorer?!"

"Oh, you have heard of me?" For some reason her smile looked...strained? "Going around the world is my hobby. An expensive one, that's why every now and then I sell some of the things I acquired in my travels."

Mmm…

Traveling around the world.

Expensive.

Money.

Cardboard Box.

Tama.

"So, you're doing this gig because you need the money?" I asked, looking at the thing much more interested. "Where'd you even get this from anyways?"

Hm just a little- MOVE

"FUCKING HELL!" I yelled instinctively as I moved to the side, I glanced back at the knife with the words 'Chen Miyafuji's Back' on it.

And of course my would be assassin was…

"I'm sorry did you seriously just try that in broad daylight?" I asked, voice a bit shaky. God that was close, "No really. Here. In the middle of a street. What made you think that was a good idea?"

Himiko screamed.

"Che!" She looked at me with utter loathing and disappointment before bolting in the opposite direction.

Aw shit uh…

I pointed to her and yelled to everybody on the street who was now looking at us, "Grab her!"

Many people still looked too shocked to move, but a few followed my command and ran after the girl. I of course also joined the chase, moving my body as fast as I could.

Come on…

Aw crap she's gone.

====

"An assassin?!" Yoshi immediately began to check Himiko's body. "Are you hurt? Did it scratch you? Are you feeling unwell-"

I coughed, "Um, Yoshi. I'm the one who got attacked. Not Himiko."

"I am not worried about you. I know you've survived worse." is her quick reply.

"I feel like I should be insulted."

"Yoshitsune!" Himiko whined. "I am fine! Really! We should worry about Oni-san! That horrible, horrible woman almost, almost…"

"Look to the bright side. When assassins try to kill you it's a sign you're going far in life." Nobu tried to lighten the mood. "So, what happened exactly? Can you describe your assailant?"

"Marco Polo. I still can't believe Marco Polo of all people tried to assassinate me." I sighed, "Uh, long story short famous explorer, has bright green hair for some reason, tried to stab me in the back with a knife. The knife had my name on it, specifically 'Chen Miyafuji Back' written on it so it might've either been cursed or something. Maybe homing magic? I dunno, it clearly failed as I moved out of the way in time. She bailed after that- Wait does anyone know if she left her stuff behind? They might actually be sellable, if they aren't all duds."

"I'll check it later. I'm an expert in rare stuff." Nobu boasted. "Marco Polo, uh? It sounds European, and I swear I heard it somewhere before…"

"Oh yeah, it's european. No idea why she's out here in asia but like I said, Marco Polo's a famous explorer. She goes around the world on expeditions and stuff so you might've heard of her from one of those."

"I'm back! Good news everyone, I discovered the identity of the Mongols' new ally!" Tama entered the room.

"Marco Polo!" I yelled at her.

"Wow! You already knew? As expected of the Commander!" She looked clearly impressed. "It seems she was a famous spy for the EU, but one day she defected to Mongolia. The rumors say she's very very adept at assassination, and that she has the odd habit of killing her targets with a knife upon which she carved the name of the victim, especially the stabbed body part."

"A very adept assassin huh…" I put my hand to my chin and closed my eyes, the memory flowing back to me. I shivered before continuing, "Er, I mean she tried it in the middle of the street, in broad daylight as well, mmm…"

Now that I think about it, I wonder what that smile was about. A guilty conscious or annoyance at being known…

"Excuse me." A soldier announced. "There are two letters: one from Mongolia, and another from an unidentified sender."

"Let me see the one from Mongolia." Yoshi took the letter and opened it. "Uhm...Yes, it's the response to our declaration of war. Kublai Khan accepts the challenge, saying she waits for us on the plains of Xanadu." She hummed. "Clever. The plains are the perfect battlefield to use their famed cavalry."

Fucking Mongols and horses.

"Give me the other-no, wait." Nobu frowned. "After what happened this is suspicious. Call Seimei, I want her to check the letter for curses or whatnot."

I glanced at the pink haired woman, staring at her. "The fact that we thought the same thing scares me."

"Congratulations." She grinned. "Maybe you have hope to develop a brain after all."

"And maybe you have a- Aw shit I can't think of a good comeback."

Nobu grinned.

I was going to need practice to take revenge for this humiliating defeat.

Ten minutes later Sei finished her tests. "It's clear." She held out the letter to me after she had one of her Shikigami open it, smirking mischievously. "If someone studied outside of class you'd know that before I got here."

I flinched, "Ahahaha… Let's look at that letter!"

There were only two words: 'Next time'. Written in what suspiciously looked like blood.

"...Yeesh. Talk about killing two birds with one stone for the horror movie cliches. Who does she think she is, the villain in a slasher fic?"

"You survived. Some professional assassins see it as a stain upon their reputation." Nobu mused.

"Great now I'm going to have to put up with some final destination shit…" I sighed, "Okay is there anything else we should know about?"

"We obviously need to increase security. No one should be alone at any given time, so you must move around either in group or with some guards." Yoshi nodded. "Tama, I want you to track down this Marco Polo: if assassination is not possible, she may try to sabotage our advance in other ways."

"As you wish Yoshitsune-dono!" She made a military salute. "Permission to increase the ninja squad?"

"Granted."

====

You know what sucks?

Being in school.

"Mongols' success in battle depend on several factors, which combine to make them an extremely effective force." Sun explained as she tapped a stick on a blackboard, the picture of an mounted archer drawn on it. "Can anyone guess them?"

Uh…

"Formation? Mobility? A good chain of command? Effective communication?" I guessed.

I dunno. I didn't even really know how I got here besides that Sun Tzu apparently decided that I was way too pathetic to go against the Mongols by myself and declared that she would give me a proper grasp of tactics 'Even if she had to beat it into my head'.

I may have paraphrased that a bit but you get the point.

"What Oni-san said." Himiko nodded. "And a lot of soldiers too, I guess."

"Uhm...I would say good logistics are also a factor." Shi added.

"Obviously they have a lot of strong fighters!" Lu put a fist into her palm, relishing her finally healed arm.

"The heavens favor the pious and the just." Ashoka put her palms together.

"Right, wrong, right, I guess so and that's debatable." Sun replied. "Now, this is all info collected from the time Mongols last waged war but it should still be valid. Tactically, Mongol mounted archers are deadly in battle: their horses allow them to stay out of reach of the enemy, while their composite bows can rain down accurate fire. When the enemy army is disorganized and broken up by the losses from the archery fire, the heavy cavalry charge in with lance and sword to finish the job. They are also extremely well-organized and disciplined: a Mongol general can rely on his troops to carry out complex plans involving encirclements, flanking maneuvers, and feigned retreats. On the strategic level, the Mongols are extremely mobile: soldiers have three or four horses each, allowing them to keep up a sustained movement rate far faster than an army traveling on foot, or even with a limited number of horses, could achieve. The Mongols are also used to living off the land, so they are not tied to a slow-moving supply train. Finally, they also recruit skilled people from other nations to cover their weak points, like building siege engines."

Sun cleaned the blackboard and drew an interrogative point. "Now, how do we counter all of this?" She asked while looking straight at me.

Um.

Um….

Honestly I didn't get half of that. Just gonna guess.

"Slow them down?"

"Yes." She nodded. "How?"

Ahahaha… Um, let's see…

Part of their big advantage in combat is their mobility which is granted to them by their horses but they also aren't restrained by slow supply lines due to living off the land but at the same time their horses also need to eat, especially since every soldier has three or four horses so a twenty man squad would have about uh, 3 times 20 is… 60 horses at the minimum so I guess you'd want to… "Force them into a surrounding area that makes their horses a liability?"

"Good! Very good!" She praised me with a smile. "The most obvious method is to use the terrain to your advantage. The Mongol army is best suited to the steppes, where there is plenty of grass for their horses to graze on and wide, open spaces for them to carry out the broad outflanking moves they excelled at. In deserts, jungles, mountains, or thick forests, their mobility would be limited, their horses would suffer, and they could be tied down to a fixed point and defeated. Of course, since we're going to fight them in their territories that is a bit difficult to achieve…" She mumbled before perking up. "The basic tactics are to shoot at inferior archers, charge at superior archers and keep your flanks protected. Our army should consist of at least two lines so any enemy who attempt to envelop the first line will get trapped between the two, and if they attempt to envelop both lines they will overstretch their own. The first line should consist of foot archers and gunners to shoot at the lightly armoured mounted archers, and once they have been consumed enough and their ranks thinned, the second line should then charge-"

She continued on and on, talking about different things like pikes, shields and even forced horse pregnancy. What?

…"I could still remember when I met him for the first time. The boy in the rain who would one day be king."...

...The knight in black and red held up a crystal white blade, glistening in the moonlight. "I swear to you this Lancelot, this time Camalot will fall!"...

…"The Blade of Arthur Pendragon will be mine! As the 455th iteration, I will wield Caliburn for the sake of my love-"

"Woah!" I yelled, moving to the side as Sun's stick attempted to whack me on the head.

"Pay attention." She chided me, "This will all be on the test."

"There's a test?!"

"There is always a test." Shi and Lu nodded.

"But what if what you do before the test is the real test?" I paused as Sun looked at me, "...Himiko said it not me."

"I didn't!" Said girl protested.

I scrambled to move as Sun tried to whack me with her stick again.

Yeesh! Guess I shouldn't daydream in class.

====

Notes:

Chen: I think that's the first time I ever pulled out that military strategist thing on demand.

Alex: You may have an unexpected talent in this. Maybe you have a Chinese general as an ancestor?

Chen: ...I hate to say it but knowing my family's history that's actually fucking possible.

 

[Alexander]

I just don't want to distract myself from reading the story to hunt for images every time a new character appears, simple as that. It's frustrating.

It could be fixed by Alex spending more time for elaborate character descriptions, I guess, but that's most probably not going to happen. And it will still be worse than a single picture!

Click to shrink...

That's easy to satisfy.

=====

CHARACTER PICTURE COLLECTION

Spoiler: Himiko

Spoiler: Yamato Takeru

Spoiler: Oda Nobunaga

Spoiler: Minamoto no Yoshitsune

Spoiler: Musashibou Benkei

Spoiler: Abe no Seimei

Spoiler: Inou Tadataka

Spoiler: Magoroku Kanemoto

Spoiler: Sasaki Kojiro

Spoiler: Qin Shi Huang

Spoiler: Sun Tzu

Spoiler: Lu Bu

Spoiler: Arthur

Spoiler: Galahad

Spoiler: Gawain

Spoiler: Lancelot

Spoiler: Sanzou Houshi

Spoiler: Ashoka

Spoiler: Kublai Khan

Spoiler: Marco Polo

Spoiler: Balin

Spoiler: James Cook

Spoiler: Magellan

Spoiler: Napoleon

Spoiler: William Kidd

Spoiler: Kamehameha

Spoiler: Satan

Spoiler: Goemon Ishikawa

Spoiler: Joan of Arc

Spoiler: Vlad Tepes

Spoiler: Galileo Galilei

Spoiler: Alexander

Spoiler: Archimedes

Spoiler: Diogenes and Cynic

Spoiler: Hammurabi

Spoiler: Aristotle

Spoiler: Cambyses II

Spoiler: Tutankhamun

Spoiler: Francis Drake

Spoiler: Edward Teach

 

[Alexander]

Chapter 34: Fortunate Son

====

So apparently, the Mongols took over Korea while I wasn't looking! Or existing, really.

But hey, after traveling through the korean peninsula for who knows how long (week and a half, it's kind of boring) we had finally arrived at…

"Zanadu."

"Xanadu."

"Sanadu."

"Xanadu."

"Are we really going through this again?" I asked, turning to Yoshi.

"It's only one letter. At least try to remember the names of the countries we're invading." She sighed. "We're going to rule over it after all."

Pronouncing words is haaaaard...

"Confident, aren't we?" Sun commented. "Fufu, even I see the incoming conflict as a challenge. I have read of the great exploits of Mongolia's founder, Gengis Khan, and I am eager to see if her descendant have inherited her talents."

"I'm not even surprised Gengis Kahn was a girl!" I waved, "Though uh… How long ago was she ar- Wait don't answer that I think comparing histories is gonna give me a headache."

"The history of your world sounds so weird Oni-san..." Himiko commented.

"Did you know the Nobunaga of my world managed to conquer Kyoto but then immediately had the worst campaign ever after trying to beat down some monks."

"Wait! Really?!" Nobu screamed.

"Ahahaha!" Himiko laughed. "Did the monks curse him?"

"They might've!" I laughed, "So like, if I remember this correctly our guy Nobunaga was like really against the monks for reasons I… don't remember but I think it had something to do with how they weren't an enemy state and could basically set up shop anywhere. So like he goes on this campaign trail invasion and it's just bad. Like, the weather makes the path all muddy, there's ambushes, think what Sun did to us but not as worse. And then, to make matters even worse, they had to get through an allied territory to get to the location they were at in the first place and then that state decided to turn traitor so the path home was completely surrounded by enemies!"

Barley remembering the Sengoku Jidai: With Chen Miyafuji.

"Shit! How come both times I - well, I and and the other me - are about to win we fail because of bad luck?" She bit down on one nail. "That's ridiculous!"

"That could've just been total karma on his part." A laugh escaped my lips, "He managed to start his conquest of Kyoto because the 'rightful ruler' conveniently showed up practically on his doorstep so he started the campaign to 'put the rightful heir' on the throne and than once he did that secretly, or maybe not I don't remember, became the one actually in charge of Kyoto. Actually that sounds like something you would do so I'm just gonna blame Nobu for that anyways."

"No way! If someone like that shows up at my doorstep, in exchange for my help I would ask for the whole country!" She declared. "That would make it totally legit!"

"Japan was really really fractured at that point." I shrugged, "They called it the 'Warring States Period' for a reason. Like you know how Zipang was split in three? Imagine sixteen of those states, maybe even more. The times were so chaotic that if your average merchant played it smart than he could become the warlord of one of the states and I'm saying that because someone actually did that."

I sighed, "Too bad that's about where my knowledge on the warring states ends… Actually, wait yeah that's right, Nobunaga also had a relationship with one of his vassals. Ranmaru, does he (Or I'm guessing she) exist here?"

One of Nobu's eyebrows twitched violently. "...One of my retainers just gave that name to his recently-born son. What, exactly, do you mean with re-"

"Ah. We're arrived." Sun cut short the conversation by pointing forward. "What a big army."

Nobunaga gave me a glare that practically screamed 'We'll be having words after this' to me before we both turned around and- Woah. Yeah, wow, Sun was right.

With just the grassy plains in between us and them, there was no parts of the army that was hidden from view. Horseback riders seemed to stretch across from one end to the other as azure flags rolled across the sky.

"Jesus christ." I swore, "We're going up against that?"

"We're going up against that." Sun nodded. "Now you see why I insisted to bring reinforcements from Taika and India. Numbers don't win wars, but they helped."

"FOR LORD KUBLAI!!!" We heard once within earshot, all mongolian soldiers shouting as one. "WE WON'T LOSE TO ZIPANG!"

"Waaa?! Their troops' morale is through the roof!" Himiko stammered.

"...What?" I asked, turning to Yoshi. "What are you looking at me like that for?"

"Are you not gonna yell across the battlefield to insult them?"

"Look I don't do that every battle."

There was a pause before I looked away, "Just most of them."

Just then a lone raider left the file, pausing briefly before trotting forward.

"AHHH~!" The previous battlecry changed into a shrill chorus. "LORD KUBLAI~!"

"Ummm…" I shivered, "Am I the only one who finds that a bit… weird?"

Nobu also shivered. "Don't you mean creepy?"

It was than that the rider got into view and-

I stopped thinking for a second.

"Huuuuuuuhhhhhhhhh-" I let out as I took the woman in. She was a strong, confident blue haired lady with a sword around her back and a red cloak thing on her back. She looked like she could take on the fucking world.

She also was wearing no top but a bikini and I was getting a whee bit distracted. "L-Lance-"

"Kay~"

A dull pain was sent through my skull as the hungry-hungry knight gave me a whack upside the head. I mean I've seen Ashoka before but for some reason this was a bit different.

"Iiiih! Another pervert!" Himiko muttered under her breath. "Even if of a different kind."

"Greetings, warriors of Zipang." Hooo that voice. She had a cool, suave, um, jazzy voice to say the least. She was the definition of smooth, "The Lord of Mongolia, Kublai Khan. I have come to meet you in response to your challenge."

"...Oh my god she's cool." I blurted out.

"Why, thank you." Her smile widened. "You are also a very cute kitten...Ah, forgive me. That kind of talk is unsightly when addressing the leaders of an enemy nation, is it not? Nonetheless, I would like to hear your names."

"Uh, I'm Chen Miyafuji." I began pointing at myself, "This is Himiko… I don't think I caught her last name. Oda Nobunaga, Abe no Seimei, Yoshitsune… something, Ben I-think-it-started-with-a-M-last-name, Tama, Maragi, Sasaki Koujiro, Lu Bu, Sun Tzu, Qin Shi Hong, Sanzou, Ashoka, Lancelot, and… Can you please call out your name if I missed anyone?"

Yoshi facepalmed. "I should have stopped you at the beginning. My apologies Lord Kublai, Miyafuji is bad with names."

Everyone then proceeded to give out their own names. That was how I learned Himiko's last name is Yamatai, the same as her country.

"It is a great honor to meet so many obviously strong people from different places." Kublai replied. "It's sad, no? Two rulers destined to fight. Had the timing be different, maybe we would have been allies."

"...I'm curious as to what you mean, but if Ashoka has taught me anything it's that people don't listen until you punch them in the face." I sighed, "But hey, that's life.... By the way, is Marco Polo here? I'm getting the eerie feeling that I should watch out for my back."

"Ah, you know her? She told me she was quite the vagrant before coming to Mongolia." Kublai sighed wistfully. "The kitten worries so much about me...ah, but that's what makes her so cute."

"Wait you didn- Oh! Ohhhh…." I let out as the dots started forming in my head, "In hindsight yeah it's kind of obvious."

"So it is." She replied, obviously misunderstanding my words. "It seems a shame we must fight...yet, there is something I must achieve."

She beamed. "I swear on the greatness of my grandmother's name! I will overcome this trial and demonstrate the character of a true ruler! So long as there are kittens I must protect, my blade will never falter! May the heavens shine on you, people of Zipang."

With that she rode off, rejoining her army.

"She almost had it. So close." I turned to face the rest of the army, "Are we going with the usual plan?"

"My Lord, if I can be honest Lady Kublai doesn't seem aware of Polo's...quirks." Tama added. "With your permission, I will scout out for her. I swear I will allow no assassin to approach you."

"I see, then I shall be entrusting you to protect my back Tama." I smiled before shaking my head, "Oh god sorry her coolness is starting to rub off on me."

"Indeed, there is a lot you would be able to learn from her." Nobu remarked.

"There is a time for learning, and there is a time for judging wickedness." Sanzou tapped her staff on the ground. "Goku, Hakkai, Gojyo: let's go. We shall test the Mongols' integrity."

"I would like to accompany you, Master Sanzou." Ashoka requested.

"Certainly, Queen Ashoka."

"Uh that leaves… Lancelot and Yoshitsune- I meant Yoshi sorry. Anyways, Lancelot, Yoshi, and I to go fight Kublai and… Maragi's good on the ground, BenBen as wel… Yeah I think everyone knows their roles?"

"What are you saying Hakkai?" Sanzou grabbed my sleeve. "You are coming with us."

"I can not into words!" I exclaimed, "Never mind than uh Himiko? Do whatever it is you do in the back lines."

"Healing." She helpfully informed me.

====

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I DIDN'T BRING A SHIELD!

I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO USE A SHIELD!

WHY DIDN'T I DO THAT!?

AH! OH GOD MORE ARROWS! SLICE! SLICE THEM ALL KUSANAGI!

====

"I knew," I began, addressing the exhausted army. "That this battle would go terribly. I was wrong, it went straight to hell."

"Hey, we won." Nobu snapped the shaft of an arrow stuck in her armor. "Even if we got stabbed way more than I would have liked."

"I wouldn't exactly call this a victory, since Kublai's army retreated before they could suffer significant casualties." Sun wrote something on a scroll. "This fits with the records about Mongol tactics: we can expect surprise attacks in the future, and next to nothing to scavenge in our path forward."

"So it's Taika all over again." I groaned, "Yay."

"Oh, I doubt the Mongols have someone as creative as me." She replied. "Nonetheless, the Xanadu plains are under our control. For now. Let's rest for a bit, and then we can march to Ulan Bator."

"Commander! I am back!" Tama announced, coming into view...with her backpack stabbed by numerous knives.

"...Wow." I blinked, "That… must've been close."

She nodded. "Based on your description I intercepted Marco Polo and prevented her from approaching you. She didn't appreciate it." she put down the backpack and began to put out the knives. "Good thing during battle I replace the maps with wood boards."

"You know, I actually kinda wish I got to see that fight." A beat, "Wait it was mostly just you running from her wasn't it?"

"You haven't seen how many knives she has, have you?"

"Good job, good job." Sun kept writing. "Ah, make also sure to double the soldiers on surveillance: I expect another attack before reaching Ulan Bator."

====

A few days later, while stopping to rest for the night Himiko barged into my tent. "T-there's trouble! Oni-san, we've got a problem! Benkei...Benkei...!"

"Huh- Wah- HIMIKO! What happened to BenBen?!" I yelled, running up to the girl and shaking her shoulders after flopping up off the ground.

"Benkei found a hot spring in the ground!" She beamed.

"...Okay." I nodded, taking a step back. "And this is a problem… how?"

"We must book it now, or the list is going to become horrendously long!" She explained. "You see, Benkei was just messing around and smashing rocks for fun, and then next thing I knew a hot spring burst through the ground! Anyway, come quick!"

"Hey! Wait! Stop tugging my arms!" I exclaimed, "You realize I can't go in with you right?!"

"Eeek!" She blushed and let go of my arm. "S-stupid Oni-san, who would do something like that...Well, if you were a lot younger I guess it would be okay...it's the duty of a big sister to take care of her little brother…"

"Oi, Himiko." I snapped my fingers in her face, "Don't go there."

"Uwah?! S-somehow, I got a glimpse of something really strange, but also really good…"

"Geez," I sighed, before giving a grin. "I never knew you were this much of a pervert Himiko."

"Who, me?!" She took a step back. "I'll have you know I am a proper and well-behaved princess of Yamatai! It's Nobunaga the pervert! Ashoka too!"

"Right sure…" I replied, turning my head to look past the girl and outside the tent, "And would you say the same if I told you they were right behind you? And Nobu looks pretty mad as well."

Himiko bolted faster than me on a good day, moving deeper into the tent and under the blankets before disappearing from sight.

Hm hm~

Now, to reserve that spot in the hot springs...

I strolled out of the tent trying desperately to contain my laughter.

===

You know I'm not sure when they set up a "Private Passage" for me for this hot springs but hey, I'm not complaining!

Actually I don't really care about this hot spring, I'm just doing it because it seemed to be important to Himiko and her being late to the reservation is funny.

...Hey she named it Himiko Springs!

Aw damn, pretty tall plant life here. Well, fuck it! Never stopped me before!

Dunno why I'm in a good mood but adventure ho!

"Those boiled eggs are so tasty~" I suddenly hear a voice coming from ahead.

"They really make a good snack while you're drinkin'." Another voice said.

...And suddenly like that my good mood is gone only to be replaced with my shit storm sensors going off the charts.

So clearly this is the best possible reaction, "Hey! Is that you Nobu?! Or Sei!? I can't tell! Anyways Tama just tried to set me up I think so if you can punch her next time you see her that'd be great! I'll be going now!"

Cries of shock and surprise erupted from ahead.

"Yeah sorry!" I shouted while running, "Don't worry, the wild life's too big to see anything anyways! Who the hell set me up like this I'm gonna kick their ass so hard…"

I already got trauma for this kind of thing once I don't need it again!

====

Notes:

Alex: You know, I can't decide if a true QQ denizer would do like you, or decide they are good enough to peek without being discovered.

Chen: Hey there's a SB port as well, remember! And I actually do have some… unpleasant memories regarding this kind of situation okay?! I'm still not fully over it!

Alex: You walked in on a family member?

Chen: No- Well yes but that's besides the point! Ack, look the long story short of it is that when I was younger some mean older girl forced me to walk into the girls bathroom while two girls were changing and they freaked out. Ever since then I've always been paranoid when I walk into the bathroom and have to double check too make sure it's actually the boys bathroom.

 

[Alexander]

Chapter 35: Life in the Fast Line

====

"Uwaaahh... The Commander is mean..." Tama cried.

"Alright." I began, looking at my clipboard. "So we can check off Himiko's tickle torture off the list... Sei I think your up."

So the other girls were naturally and understandably pissed at Tama when they found out about what she had done. While I was angry, I also found it much more hilarious to be the one sending in every single pissed off girl at her. Each victim had about an hour of time to punish the poor criminal however they liked. They could stop before the hour was up but that would mean the next person got extra time.

So far I think it was working.

Currently the bespectacled woman was sitting seiza, a very tall pile of books about the virtues of modesty and good work ethics on her lap and head courtesy of Yoshi. "Uwaaahh..."

"Uhm, it's not that I would have particularly minded either outcome." Sei smiled mischievously. "But my shop is in need of some organizing. May as well get an assistant for it."

"Hold it bucko." I began. "You get one hour like everyone else. If not I would've replaced her desk with a cardboard cutout or something."

"UWAH!!!!"

I kicked the door.

"Anyways since the only other person on the list is..." I glanced down. "BenBen. Huh. Yeah nobody's contacted me asking to take her spot and I doubt she's coming. Two hours, two hours... Well I can't say that's enough time to make her organize the shop but it should be enough time for uh, contract renegotiations."

"Oh, that's good!"

"We're back!" The other door opened, Lancelot and Maragi walking inside. "Chen, Chen. I found an amazing stand of Mongolian food manned by a goddess: I ate until I was 80% full - uhm, should be 78% now - and even got a huge discount. Next time let's go together."

It's Marco Polo isn't it.

"That woman was Marco Polo." Maragi sighed.

"Called it." I waved. "Five bucks says that almost everything we encounter will be traced back to Marco Polo. Hell, an extra ten bucks says that she's part of the bathhouse as well."

"I recognized her the moment I happened upon Lancelot-dono after she finished paying. I don't think she poisoned the food - if she did, then Lancelot-dono's stomach has certainly been tempered to a level close to Hinokagatsuchi's flames."

"No idea what that is." Hm, thinking about it. "It probably wasn't poisoned because that's simply just not her style. Remember, she's the killer who writes the name of the target's organ on her weapons. If she was aiming to kill me that way she'd probably stick a needle in one of the food and give it to me. Though, that does confirm something."

"Hinokagatsuchi is the patron deity of blacksmiths and ceramic workers." Maragi informed me. "And what does it confirm?"

"Well, obviously that she's probably got an information network of some kind." I held two fingers up. "Both of the times she's encountered off the battlefield, she's been manning stalls specifically tailor'd to one of the Zipang's heroes liking. On the first time, it was rare premium items used to attract Himiko over. The second time, it was food used to attract Lancelot. Actually, it was just the two of you who went out right? No, wait. Hm, that can't be the case since you encountered her after... Still, she was probably hoping that I was with Lancelot when she set up that stall. Hey, Lancelot, did she ask you to stop again some time or did she close up shop?"

"That's right, she said I was welcome back anytime. We talked about a lot of things while I ate and she cooked."

"Figures." I flipped over the back of the torture list and began scribbling things down. "Rare items, food, weapons, books... Hey Sei! What's something Yoshi'd like to buy?"

"Books."

"Double that." I muttered. "Right Tama, when we're not at the battlefield I'm gonna need your men to start monitoring the marketplace for... well when you look at this list she's got just about everything covered huh... yeah just start monitoring the marketplace in case Marco Polo shows up again. Oh and do it secretly, last thing we need is for people to think we're secret policing them."

"UWAAH!" Tama cried again.

====

"-And while tracking down the spy I discovered a hidden camp which may very well be the Mongolian base." Tama finished, her clothes dirty with sewage water, soot and sticks after going deep in the sewers to literally blow Marco Polo out.

So apparently, vengeance fuelled Tama was Asskicker Tama.

I liked to call her Tama the Revenger. It was a stupid name but I didn't care.

Also called it twice on Marco's market plans. Score one for Chen Miyafuji, Ace Detective.

"So, we've discovered the base." I mumbled. "Did it look like they could move out within less than a day?"

"No, I exclude it. They would need at least two days, and even then if they start immediately." She shook her head. "I'm confident they aren't aware I found them."

"Haha. Haha. Hah- Yeah no I can't do an evil laugh." I coughed. "Well, what do we need to do before we can go on the assault?"

"...I would like to take a bath." Tama switched to a pleading tone.

I waved and she fled the tent.

====

Thanks to Tama's finding the next battles against the Mongolian army went smoother than expected, and soon we were closing on the capital, Urgench.

Of course, other things remained the same.

"You! You ate my grilled miso again, didn't you!?" Nobu accused.

"Well YOU ate my kozu cakes, Nobunaga!" Himiko pointed a finger at the pink-haired woman. "This is my revenge! It's justified!"

"You were sleeping! I just ate them so they wouldn't spoil! And they were on the porch, so they would have collected ants!"

"Then you should have woken me up! You're such a fatty Nobunaga! Stingy stingy!"

"I'm not your bodyguard, you know!"

"Grrr..." Himiko cutely growled.

"Grrrr..." Nobu also growled, if less cutely.

"I'mma feed it all to Lancelot." I declared. "All of it."

"NO!" They shouted at the same time while turning to look at me.

"Oni-san, there is a reason for this."

"You're just being a glutton..."

"I don't want to hear that from you!"

"Ahhh, that's enough already." Nobu sighed. "Tch... I'm all sweaty from running. I'm going to take a bath... See you, glutton.

"W-Wait! I'm not the gluttonous one!" Himiko shouted at the retreating woman's back.

I sighed. "Little do they know I'mma do it anyways!"

Not.

====

"Last time on The World Conquest." I began. "The Zipang Heroes have begun closing in on the Mongolian capital. But can they defeat the cool and capable leader Kublai Khan and her deadly assassin Marco Polo? Find out on this exciting episode, the Final Showdown of Ultimate Destiny! Not."

"I am not even going to bother asking." Yoshi's tone was as flat as a washboard.

"FOR LORD KUBLAI!" The Mongolian troops on the other side shouted. "FOR MONGOLIA!"

"Even with most of their country conquered, their morale is still so high... Quite impressive." Sun nodded. "We should recruit them after this battle, they would be impressive allies."

"Honestly I wish I had something to say to rally up my own troops but we never actually got a phrase to boost morale." I sighed before turning to the soldiers. "I'm willing to take suggestions!"

"For Lord Miyafuji?" One suggests.

"All Hail Zipang?" Another adds.

"LET OUR ENEMIES SHATTER UPON OUR MANLY CHESTS!" A third one shouts while ripping open his shirt, revealing nothing but muscles.

"...Okaaaaay. You know what? I'll just try thinking of one real quick... Uh, how about this." I turned around pointing at the enemy troops. "FUCK THOSE GUYS!"

There were a few seconds of general silence.

"Literally?" A female voice asked from the back, the tone oddly hopeful.

"Wha- No!" I sighed. "You know what, fuck it, just scream at the top of your lungs."

"At this rate it'll never end." Himiko complained loudly. "Resistance is useless! Kublai should just come out already and surrender!"

"Honestly should we just charge already?" I tried jumping up to see above the mob of soldiers, of course I'm not that tall to begin with but eh. "Or are we going to have prefight banter or something? Does this count as prefight banter? SHIT WHERE'S MARCO POLO?!"

Just then a lone rider left the Mongolian lines, the shrill chorus of admiration hinting at her identity.

"We meet again face to face, warriors of Zipang." Kublai greeted once she's close enough, face still smiling coolly. "For having reached so far, I suppose congratulations are in order. Yours is truly a force that shakes the skies."

"More like shakes the sewers..." I mumbled, "Anyways yeah hi, here we are. At this battlefield. Nice country by the way, did you know we made a hot spring?"

"Truly? What wondrous news. I wish I could have experienced them at least once." She sighed wistfully. "This beautiful country... my grandmother worked hard to build it. Aah, how pitiful it is, that I was unable to protect it. Still, I must make a confession: fighting Zipang, testing myself again and again against such powerful warriors, has been.. .enjoyable." Her smile is half sad, half satisfied. "I wonder, is this what grandmother felt when she united this land?"

My shoulders lifted up in a shrug, "I dunno? She was the one doing the uniting and it's not like there was a solid enemy that she was facing... Maybe. I'm not really up to speed on Mongolian history. Have you considered that this was more like, a test?"

"Yes, indeed. This is a test to prove if I am worthy of continuing the legacy my grandmother built." She nodded solemnly. "While my efforts have been pitiful until now, I must see this through the very end. This is... the real test of a ruler. I will protect this land, and all the kittens."

Kublai unsheathed her sword and pointed it to the sky, another chorus of admiration coming from her troops at the gesture. "The storm that will swallow Mongolia! The Great Khan, Kublai Khan, shall fly like the Pegasus. Let the memory of this battle endures for two thousand years!"

And with that she rode back to her troops, which are visibly preparing themselves to charge.

"Uh, Shit. I gave her a pep talk. I gave the enemy leader a fucking pep talk." I sighed. "So uh, yeah. Go Zipang. Soar through the sky like... A giant fucking dragon. Yeah. Because honestly what's scarier than a giant fucking dragon."

There were two kinds of people. The kind that can monologue, and the kind that can't.

Guess who I am.

====

Okay so, Mongolian fight take... something!

My thought process was the usual.

"FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK!" I yelled, twirling around to avoid being stabbed into a shish kabob, before slicing back and stabbing one of the enemy foot soldiers. It had basically been nothing but the same three moves on repeat since the battle had begun.

Move!

Stab!

Move!

Stab!

Fire!

Dod- Wait dodg- DODGE!

"WOAH SHIT!" I yelled, dodging out of the way from flying knives all stabbing the spot I previously occupied.

"Tch. Even after I carefully calculated the perfect moment you managed to dodge." Two Zipang soldiers fell down, a knife in their necks, revealing a frowning Marco Polo. "Truly, the instincts of a wild beast."

"Actually it's more akin to divine interfe- OH GOD WHAT AM I DOING IT'S YOU!" I yelled, turning to run away as fast as I could. "TAMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!"

"Distracted by a body double." The green-haired girl landed in front of me, having evidently decided ambushes are not going to work. "It's amazing what you can make your enemies do when they are convinced they have figured you out. Oh, but don't worry."

Setting her parasol down she grabbed the hems of her skirts and slightly lifted them up.

Dozens of knives of all types and sizes fell around her feet. Many of them coated in what was clearly poison, and all of them with a carving on the blade that begin with 'Chen Miyafuji's'.

"I am not a sadist, I'll make this quick."

"Eep." I squeaked, backing a way a bit. Um, signal flare? Signal flare! GO GO GO GO- "TSUMUGARI NO TACHI!!!"

The Army-killer, the giant warrior made of fire, whose technique was made to destroy armies...

I uh, I don't think he was meant to be used like this.

"AH!!!" I screamed as the giant swung his sword down right in front of me, fire bursting to life where it struck. Of course, I didn't actually expect to hit Marco Polo.

I turned around again and ran for my fucking life with a giant flaming swordsman following me. "Get out of my way!"

"Waaaaah!" I heard her screaming from somewhere. "What's with this cheat skill?! My knives! They're melting!"

"Fuck off! Cheats are standard in Isekai!" I yelled behind me as I ran. Actually this was more the result of something way more different than Isekai cheats, bless your soul Yamoto and thank you for the gift, but FUCK HER SHE DIDN'T NEED TO KNOW THAT! "ALSO AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Running through the enemy lines with a fire giant following you turned out to be surprisingly effective at scattering soldiers and destroying morale.

Still, I had a plan. A very dumb and probably ineffective plan that hopefully will result in me not getting killed.

Today.

Until a storm of arrows encased in white energy rained down on Tsumugari no Tachi, blowing holes all over its surface. The technique lost cohesion and collapsed.

"A magnificent display. Such a passionate fire..." Kublai moved towards me, riding a white stallion with a wild mane. "Truly, you have the heart of a conqueror. May I have the honor of a date? Mh, wait: in this case, it would be more correct to call it a 'duel', yes? Let's have a duel."

"Ah yeah, before that can you get off your horse and do one thing for me real quick? Please?" I waved my hand nervously. "It's really just standing still."

"Why, of course." Without hesitation she dismounted, though the horse gave me the stink eye. "What is it that you need?"

"Yeah just stay right there..." I mumbled nervously edging closer, sheathing my sword...

And then I dashed forward and glomped the tall woman into the tightest hug that I could. "Haha! Safe! Yes!"

Kublai blinked in confusion, while the stallion switched to trying to bore a hole through my head with its glare alone. Fuck off you're a horse you don't have rights.

"Caught yo-Ahhhh~♪! Lord Kublaiii~♪!" Marco's shout quickly changed into a high-pitched squeal, her eyes gaining a pink hue. Then just as quickly it changed to a tone so frosty the surrounding temperature reached below zero in the blink of an eye. "What are you doing to Lord Kublai."

"She's my lifeline! You won't kill me if I don't let go! I think!" I shouted at the top of my lungs, trying to hug the woman even harder.

"I'll cut it off, make a fritola out of it and then force you to eat it."

"I'll uh." I looked between her and the confused woman. "I'll... Yeah I got nothing. What do you even say to that christ..."

"I'm not really sure what's going on, but it doesn't matter I guess." Kublai smiled while stroking my head. "If you wanted to get pampered you just had to ask, kitten."

"Giiiiii! Being petted by Lord Kublali-!" Marco muttered loudly with a high pitch. "I'm so jealous!"

"Okay A) This feels nice and maybe worth throwing away my dignity for." Maybe, it was kinda embarrassing. "B) Basically Marco Polo is being really really mean to me and if I'm close to you she won't act on it."

"Mmh. Marco?"

"L-Lord Kublai!" The greenette panicked. "I'm just doing my duty as one of your commanders!"

"And I am grateful for this. You're a selfish kitten, but I don't dislike that part of you." Kublai showed another impossibly cool smile. "Yet I must face the test of King alone. Ruler of Zipang, I can't bear to see more kittens getting hurt. What I must do is clear to me: a duel, between you and me, to end this war without further bloodshed. The loser, as is proper, shall submit to the winner."

"Right! Yeah! Duel!" I exclaimed, letting go of the woman before walking back a few steps. "We gotta, we gotta do that."

Marco glared at me with frosty eyes while mouthing the words 'Cut it off'.

I tilted my head toward Kublai before waggling my eyebrows, her glare intensifying.

Haha... man am I going to regret that.

With a flick of my wrist I unsheathed Kusanagi and stared into it's reflection. "You hear her partner? The test of a King. Pretty exciting huh?"

...Is the blade vibrating in my hands?

Huh. Okay then.

I coughed. "Right! Who's going to start this?"

"As the challenger, allows me." Kublai swept her free hand over her bow, white energy forming at its passage, before swinging the weapon to the side.

With a shockwave of air the bow grew to thrice its previous size, now resembling the spread white wings of some great bird. "Together once more, Rukh."

The weapon released a loud keening which resembled the screeching of an eagle.

I glanced to my own weapon. "Hey why can't you do anything like tha- Wait don't sting me now I need that hand!"

It was still vibrating, but much more... Angrily? Whatever no time to figure it out. "I guess we'll just stick to what we've got! Henceforth, I am the God-Slaying Blade! Any evil on my road, I shall purify with no remorse, even if it leads me straight to Hell! Stand by my side, TSUMUGARI NO TACHI!"

And once again the man of fire stepped forth. I'm not sure what he was really, a product of the technique, myself, or maybe a mix of both, but that didn't matter. He was here to fight by my side against whatever Kublai had in store.

"It's about time I stopped running away." I mumbled to myself before sighing. "Alright Kublai! Show me what you got! I'll take whatever you got head on!"

She promptly complied. "Rukh Wing!" Pointing the bow to the sky she released a continuous stream of arrows encased in white energy, the projectiles going so fast and packed so tightly they resembled a beam.

Which at one point made a U-turn before speeding towards me, spreading in four directions to resemble a cross.

I'll admit it, I was scared. Scared out of my fucking wits, even after so many battles.

But god dammit she wanted a test of a King so I'm going to give it to her or die trying.

"Don't let me down now, it's just a bird." I smirked to Kusanagi before holding the sword back as the light came forward, Tsumugari no Tachi following my movements. "Here goes, all or nothing! Kusanagi... BLOW!"

Fire sword and light beam clashed against each other, the force from the impact tearing through air and ripping the ground apart. For a moment that seemed to last an eternity the two forces struggled against each other.

Then Kusanagi cleaved through the beam, the two halves continuing in different directions and blowing up the area around me.

Four more arrows pierced through the dust raised by the explosions, curving in midair to converge onto my position.

"Oh come on." I cursed, rolling out of the way as TNT attempted to block the arrows with his sword, causing heat to wave throughout the battlefield. "Mmf, gotta get closer..."

There was a loud sound, like the flapping of giant wings, before Kublai soared through the air. It wasn't flight, rather a jump-a hundred meters tall.

With the same cool smile she pulled back the bow string before firing an arrow. A nanosecond later the same motion repeated itself. And again. And again. And again.

Until there were dozens of arrows streaking through the air, curving like guided missiles to home on me.

Oh, well shit.

As fast as I could I swung the Kusanagi, the sound of metal clashing against metal ringing out through the air as I attempted to hit the arrows away from me. Which... Was not my smartest move really as a couple of them slipped through and hit my body, clanking on my armor until eventually they ended up pushing my backwards as I landed on the dirt with a dull thud.

In the distance Marco squealed loudly.

Having reached the apex of her jump Kublai began to fall down, the wings of her bow turning it into a smooth glide. Halfway she spun around, light gathering around the tip of the next arrow before she shot it, a small but focused and extremely fast beam. Suddenly, as if all my muscles were on fire, I rolled my body away as the beam pierced the earth where I was a moment ago, creating a deep hole in the ground.

"I'm alive!" I shouted, pushing myself up off the ground. "Working off as much adrenaline as humanly possible but I'm alive!"

"Just drop dead and die!" Marco shouted.

Kublai landed before jumping off again, the wings flapping to push her. She drew the bowstring, preparing another arrow.

Fucking... This is going to go on forever if I let it! Think think think...

Idea.

"Kusanagi..." Um, think of a name for the skill, FUCK WHO NEEDS A NAME! "FIRE!"

And like that I pushed as much Brave as I could think of into the Kusanagi as the tip glowed, before a hot beam of fire launched straight into the sky and towards the blue haired maiden- Er, warrior.

Ugh, another new skill. At least I actually made it this time no matter how rough spell work it may be...

The two beams missed each other by what must be mere millimeters. But evidently Kublai didn't expect that, because she moved her bow to shield her body. The fire attack resulted into a glancing hit that promptly exploded, sending the blue haired woman careering back to the ground.

A bit of pride flushed in me before I suppressed it and began running towards the woman, Kusanagi drawn.

She still had that sword on her so I bet this fight ain't over yet!

"I must confess, this is the first time someone managed to hit me back while I don't hold back." She was standing without difficulties, her bow scorched but mostly intact. "Clearly this was a consequence of my own hubris and carelessness. Ah, it seems I still have much to learn before I can be a worthy ruler."

"Honestly that's probably the first time I've ever really come up with a skill in the middle of battle." I replied, coming to a halt. "I could probably transition the skill to a spell if I tweaked it a bit, maybe use the Wu Xing system... Ah crap I don't have time to focus on that. You ready to end this duel?"

"A mage too? You're turning more surprising by the minute, Ruler of Zipang." She stroke her bow in a loving manner, after which it returned to normal. To be fair on her, it's not like I liked to bring it up often. "Thank you, Rukh. You did well." She slung her bow on her back and took out her sword. "I must confess I'm not as good with a sword as with a bow, so I'll probably lose, but tradition demands I stand my ground."

She pointed her sword at me. "Here I come, Chen Miyafuji."

And then... I can't really say anything to special or amazing happened. You ever end up really good, Ah, better I should say at something so much that you begin to notice the flaws when someone else does it? Basically that.

Blow against blow, our baldes swung. I could feel every blow and counter ripple throughout my body as I put all my weight into every blow and moved myself with as much energy as I could.

She was decent, really. About the same level as a regular soldier... But I was someone who had trained under Yamato Takeru, no matter how arrogant that may make me sound.

"Huuuuah!" I yelled as I finally managed to parry her sword enough to leave her open. Kublai's eyes widened and in that split second I decided to finish it, going in close before jamming my fist right into her stomach.

"Urgh!" She grunted, staggering back and right than I swung my blade before stopping right at her neck.

If this was a video game there'd probably be some sort of "You won!" type of congratulations.

But this is reality, so all I got was the silence of the soldiers around me and Marco's screams of frustration.

...I'll just uh, take that last part as a victory.

"So." I began, before sighing. "I win."

"Ahh, how pitiful. I was unable to protect the land my grandmother worked to build." Kublai's voice was full of passion and genuine regret as she let her sword fall from her fingers. "Grandmother, forgive me... I was not worthy enough to pass the ruler's trial. My heart is taken by waves of sadness, repentance and regret adrift even now-"

"Is this going to take a while?" I interrupted. "Because good on you that you can do poetry on the spot but uh, the battle isn't technically over until you declare it's over so if you could kind of hurry it up a bit..."

"Ah! You're right! I must prevent the kittens from being hurt. Marco."

Crying tears of frustration the greenette appeared next to Kublai and handed her a war horn. The sound it produced was loud, resounding all across the battlefield: hearing it all Mongolian soldiers stopped fighting. "We have been completely defeated!" Kublai shouted afterwards. "The vanquished must serve the vanquisher. I intend to fulfill my duty."

"AHHHH~♪! IF IT'S FOR YOU LORD KUBLAIII~♪!" All soldiers answered in a chorus.

"Just don't try anything funny ever again." Marco threatened me. "If I hear you've tried-"

"Marco Polo." Kublai interrupted her. "It's bad manners to wag your tail like that."

"S-Sorry." She immediately turned all flustered.

"That's a good kitten." Kublai smiled. "King of Zipang, we will follow you. Feel free to use us as you see fit."

"Ah righ- Wait a minute." I turned to my line before shouting. "CAN SOMEONE MORE CAPABLE GET OVER HERE?!"

"Are we done already?" Nobu emerged from behind the files of Mongolian soldiers. "A pity, I have a whole lot of bullets caches left to test. So, what do you need brat?"

...I turned back to the Zipang soldiers. "I SAID CAN SOMEONE MORE CAPABLE GET OVER HERE?!"

There was a sharp 'click' from Nobu's direction.

I turned to Nobu, blank faced. "Nobu your idea of Diplomacy is literally 'to make others do what you want by trickery or by force'. BenBen is more diplomatic than you."

"If it works it's not stupid." is her counter-argument.

"If it works... Then that's intrigue not diplomacy." I shook my head before turning back to Kublai. "So uh, yeah. Hi. Welcome to Zipang, we have dental insurance."

Annnnd that's Mongolia conquered.

Yay.

====

Notes:

Alex: Be honest. What scared you more: the obvious yandereness, or the shanking tendencies?

Chen: Both.

Alex: Yuno-sama carved a special place in every one of our hearts.

Chen: Marco Polo is scary. Hey now that I think about it, Kublai was the leader I got along best with and I don't know what that says about me.

 

[Alexander]

Chapter 36: War (What Is It Good For)

====

"Now that we have unified East Asia-" Yoshitsune began. "It would be beneficial to hold a grand meeting between all original rulers. Would Chang'an works as a meeting point?"

I stared blankly at her.

"...If you have questions just voice them."

"Where's Chang'an again? Why is it so important? Why do we need to have a grand meeting when I pass by like 2/3 of the rulers every single day? Is this meeting open to the public or something or is it just formalities? Why do people not consider rock and roll musi-"

She glared at me. I shut up.

"To answer in order." She finally said. "Chang'an is the capital of Taika, the city where you met Qin Shi Huang for the first time. Remember the Terracotta Army? Beside that it's located right in the middle of East Asia, giving it a great symbolic meaning. Yes the rulers we defeated live and fight with us now, but the point of this meeting is to gather together the members of the different countries' bureaucracies, so we can work on establishing a proper government: right now Zipang, Taika, India and Mongolia still operate like separate states. While it will not be open to the public, we can have representatives for the common people participate. Satisfied?"

"...This meeting is going to suck isn't it." I groaned, placing a hand on my face, "Welp, this sounds like it's going to be ridiculously out of my area of expertise."

"Why going all the way to Chang'an anyway?" Nobu complained. "Can't we just use the seeing stones?"

The fuck are the seeing stones. Oh wait the brick phones.

"Because there are not enough for everyone, and the amount of magic needed to keep them running for entire days is prohibitive." Sei answered.

"Lady Seimei, I've completed the investigation you requested." Tama opened the door, Marco on her side.

"Oh good, good. So, was it as I suspected?"

"Yes my lady. Here's the report."

Sei took the roll and unfurled it, the smile on her lips shrinking the more she read until it was just a straight line. "...I hoped I was wrong, but I suppose I'm too good for that."

"Oh boy." I waved, "Care to inform the rest of us?"

"Remember those pirates that attacked Zipang before we could secure the sea lines? It turned out body-concealing robes wasn't the only thing they all shared. I had a suspicion, so I gave Inou-chan some side tasks during the recent campaigns." She gave me the report. "The mysterious peddler who sold Qin Shi Huang mercury as medicine-"

"Oh god they're connected aren't they."

"Yes. And so are the adviser who encouraged the Maharaja to become tyrants and the members of a failed attempt to destabilize Kublai Khan's rule."

Marco nonchalantly whistled while admiring her nails.

"All of them had one thing in common: they were carrying the same pendant."

I paused, before suddenly looking down at the paper to find the sketch of a pendent.

A very, very familiar looking pendant.

My hand slammed down on the table with a loud bang, "Son of a bitch they're all connected!"

Himiko looked over my shoulders and gasped. "That's-! Takeru's pendant!"

"Wait what?" Nobu stood up. "Someone explain what's happening!"

"Okay so like you guys know how Yamato disappeared right?" I explained, putting the paper in the center of the table for everyone to see. "Well when Himiko found her again she had complete amnesia, a dying body with no heartbeat, and this fucking pendant."

"What do you mean dying body with no heartbeat?!"

"Necromancy. Or, more specifically, tampering with the soul-body link." Sei nodded gravely. "It's just a theory born from ancient legends, but as long as the soul remains on this plane a person it's not technically dead. But by the same token, being able to affect this link should also give someone the power to tamper with the brain, which connect the soul's emotions and memories with the body." She sighed. "This is a curse on a level I have never seen before."

"Okay so, what we're dealing with is a potentially world wide conspiracy by something so powerful it can fuck with the afterlife in order to, what? From it's actions so far it's main goal seems to be to destabilize all the countries in the world." I grabbed a blank piece of paper and began scribbling stuff down, "In Mongolia they were the most obvious but totally failed because Mongolia, in India they corrupted the leaders into tyrants, in Taika they poisoned Shi, and in Zipang they obviously resurrected Yamato and brainwashed her for... some reason. She was probably a trigger bomb sent to go Yamata when Zipang was united or something but I don't think they expected me at all. As for the pirates... Well, all I can think they could've done was prevent us from going and expanding outwards. All of these actions seem to have leaned towards wanting to make sure no country gets too good but I can't figure out what their main goal is. Did they want to make sure the world war goes on forever?"

For a moment time stopped. In the ensuing absolute silence I heard EMIYA's words:

"Finally figured it out, have you? It was worth it to use the excess power to subtly influence those around you."

And then everything returned to normal.

"Fucking hell EMIYA was that really goddamn necessary!" I gasped, shivering. "Why the hell did you feel the need to go and stop time ugh. Smug bastard."

"Oni-san, are you alright? You were staring at nothing and didn't respond when we called you." Himiko asked with clear worry. "And who is this Emiya person?"

"If you are right..." Yoshi stared grimly at both Tama's report and my scribblings. "This is bigger than we thought."

"No, this is bullshit of the highest order." Nobu flopped back on her seat and crossed her arms with a sneer. "Fucking magic, fucking conspiracies. Fucking everything."

"Nobu I'm in a world where Marco Polo is an Assassin, King Arthur is a love freak, and fucking Amazon is an actual country. A conspiracy is just par for the course at this point." I sighed, "So anyways I'm thinking of calling this conspiracy BEAST for now, until they actually start showing and maybe monologue or something I don't fucking know. Any objections?"

There was none. Himiko kept staring at the reports, a thunderous expression on her face.

====

To the shock of no one mere hours after we arrived at Chang'an it was hit with a BEAST attack.

Because seriously once you realize they exist they become ridiculously obvious.

"They're within range!" Sun waved her stick in a large arc. "Mongol archers, fire! Second round! Third round! Fire at the designated targets! We'll break the enemy formation and pull through using the least amount of strength!"

"So," I called out to Sun, "How's the situation looking right now?"

"I sent Lu to flank their exposed side." The enemy formation broke, with many distant points vaguely looking like people filling the sky. "Right there. Good thing her arm healed just in time for this battle. Chang'an's walls hold strong, and with the addition of three other armies we have enough reserves to grind them into dust. Though, I don't recommend fighting back just yet."

"Mmm." I nodded, "Far as I can tell, BEAST hasn't thrown any hero units they brainwashed at us yet. If they want to destroy us that badly it probably won't be long before one shows up."

"Does the figure approaching the gates all alone count?" Nobu asked while peering at the battlefield.

"...I'm going to say yes until proven otherwise." I began, turning to where Nobu was facing and what the fuuuu- "Okay so, big ass knight over there with a sword in one hand and some kind of red monstrosity in the other. Seems to go with the Nobu school of dressing so... European? Probably? Lancelot you recognize her?"

"Eeh, let's see..." Balancing on the rails she leaned forward. Her smile turned into a perplexed frown. "Wait. What is Balin doing there?"

"Brainwashed. Probably." Also Balin? I've never heard of that knight. Though admittedly there's too many to keep track of at some point, "Aren't BEAST attacks fun."

"Brainwashed? That's bad." She replied with an even tone. "We should inform Her Majesty. Ah, and be careful if you fight her: Balin is among the strongest and more experienced of the Knights of the Round. Those weapons she wields... Merlin enchanted them so that they cause explosions, not cuts."

Note: Merlin exists.

"And she probably got a power up as well because that's just how BEAST operates. Great." I muttered, "So! Who's going to be the one to call out to her?"

"Wouldn't it be better to use all of our troops?" Sun questioned. "I even have a new type of weapon: a cannon!"

"A cannon?!" Nobu shouted. "Let me see it!"

"Holy shit you have a canon." I attempted to whistle, "When did we get a fucking canon?"

"Amazon, Super-Special Exclusive Edition for Royalty."

"Huh. You really can buy everything off Amazon- Wait." I paused, "Is it really a good idea to launch a cannonball at the woman who's cuts cause explosions?"

Sun blinked. "What's the worst that can happen?"

"Uhm, everyone?" Himiko called out. "While you were arguing that warrior reached the wal-"

A whooshing sound. Followed by something slamming against the rails at such speed debris were sent flying everywhere.

"Haaaah... You little bugs are making so much noise." A rough, delinquent-like voice drawled as Balin stepped into view, the boredom in her empty eyes in contrast to the slasher smile on her lips. "Heh, you're all worthless. It makes me yawn. At least let me have a little fun..."

Well, shit.

Okay don't panic don't panic.

"Oi, britannian stripper." Dammit mouth no! "I think you got the wrong address, Scotland's the other way."

...That was baaaaad.

Her glare slowly focused on me. "Mmh? Do I know you...? Right, you're the Servant of Heaven. I'm supposed to mangle you good. Heh, then I'll leave you for last, and then cut you up real nicely... into mincemeat."

"Heeeyy! Baliiin!" Lancelot called out. "What are you doing? Snap out of it!"

She tilted her head. "Mmh? Do I know you?"

"It's me, Lancelot! I'm the rookie, remember? You forgot to hold back during my first day and sent me flying into the kitchen."

"Doesn't ring a damn bell. Seriously, quit your yapping. It's pissing me off."

"Okay seriously, are you pulling your lines from somewhere?" I asked, "'Cause those are like, the clichest of cliché lines. Like, next you're gonna say: 'Something something shut your mouth'."

She tilted her head back to me. "Nah."

"Kay."

She swung her right weapon, so fast only a sudden surge of power from within allowed me to dodge. The part of the wall struck blew off like a dozen kilos of dynamite, leaving behind a large crater two meters deep.

"More like 'something, something just die already'!"

I looked down at the wall before back at her, "Something something Ballllllin something."

"Oh my God STOP MAKING HER ANGRY!!!" Nobu screamed while firing her musket as fast as she could, every bullet being deflected by Balin's armor or her weapons.

"Bow corps! Aim at the target! Cannon! Fire!" Sun ordered.

All arrows were dodged, and the cannonball slashed into two.

Sei's Shikigami rained over the redheaded knight, only to be swept aside by a single swing.

"Lu Bu is here!" The Taika general jumped over the wall, both spears poised to strike. "Taste the full power of my Sky Piercer!"

The blow, more than twice as strong as the one Lu once used against me with only one arm, was parried by Balin's sword. The ground around her shattered, but she herself hadn't a single scratch.

"Hey. Is this a joke?" She drawled before swinging her other weapon, sending Lu flying back with another explosion. "I thought you guys were better than this? How worthless..."

"We try."

"DON'T JUST STAND THERE! DO SOMETHING!" Sun screamed from behind cover.

"Right right!" I yelled, pulling Kusanagi out of it's sheath. "God this is going to hurt... Right okay fighting time!"

Balin was upon me in an instant, her left weapon ready to pound me into a bloody mess. I attempted to dash out of the way of the weapon, using Kusanagi to block the blade as the sound of metal on metal rang on the wall.

I quickly found out that Balin hit ever harder than Yamato on a very good day, and that trying to block just result in an explosion to the face. Luckily, instead of ending into bloody chunks I was simply pushed back with my skin stinging. "Ow... God how do those explosions work- Annnd you don't want to talk anymore do you."

She took a step forward.

"Hiken."

The air stilled. Like, literally: it was like trying to breath through molasses. Not that I knew what that felt like.

Balin whipped her head around, eyes widening.

"Tsubame Gaeshi!"

One. Two. Three. Three perfectly executed, simultaneous slashes converged upon the brainwashed knight like a lightning strike, locking her within a cage of certain death.

One slash was parried. The second one was also parried.

The third one cut diagonally through Balin's front armor, moving through metal, flesh and bones like they were not even there.

"...What?" Balin croaked, her wound bleeding profusely.

"Have no fear: I missed your vitals." Sasaki cooly declared while stepping into view, her long katana already drawn. "The Ganryu Style of Swordsmanship frowns upon killing from the back. Furthermore, I was ordered to just contain you."

"Humans are just bigger swallows." I muttered, "Oi, Sasaki. She look she's still in any condition to fight?"

"I just need her to talk." Himiko stormed past Sasaki, flanked by Yoshi, BenBen and Maragi. She was glaring in fury at Balin. "Where is Takeru? Give her back! Give her back to me!"

"...Bff. Buahahahahaha!!!" The knight began to laugh uproariously, uncaring of her wound-which has already stopped bleeding. "That was good! Really good! So even bugs like you have fangs! Your bite certainly sting! Thanks for helping me kill time. I'm gonna mangle you... It'll be heaven before it's hell!"

Balin flexed her muscles, hands clenching so hard around her weapons you could heard cracks coming from them. Her capillaries became visible, glowing an ugly purple. It was creepy.

"Raise your guard!" Yoshi shouted.

The next instant Balin shot forward like a missile, her movements noticeably faster and, as it was proven by the next explosion, her strength even more bullshit.

The next melee was a chaotic affair that saw everyone against Balin, and despite the numerical disparity both sides were evenly matched. And being part of that chaos as well, I could barely keep track of everything as the beast of a woman took all of us on in what had to be the biggest clusterfuck I had ever been in.

Himiko, Sun and Maragi stood back, casting healing and strengthening spells on us when needed.

Nobu and Sei darted around the melee, shooting bullets and spells when they had a clear line of sight.

Benben, Sasaki and a recently returned Lu kept Balin's right side occupied, while me, Yoshi and Lancelot did the same with the left one.

No matter what we did, no matter how much she was wounded: the redheaded knight just. Refused. To. Go. Down.

"Kehehe! AHAHAHAHAHA!!!" Balin laughed during a brief lull in the fighting, the rest of her body stained the same color as her hair. "Oh, it's been so long since I had so much fun!"

"That actually brings a question to mind," I began, continuing to move while holding up a guarded stance. "Who are you anyways?"

"Mmh? Didn't the bug over there say my name already?" She tilted her head towards a panting Lancelot. "What more do you need to know?"

"Well, your name and looks might be the same but it's obvious your memories aren't." I narrowed my eyes, "So which is it, are you Balin of the Knights of the Round Table, or are you just someone who can't keep a grip on their own mind?"

"The fuck are you-guh!" She jerked, one hand letting go of her weapon to clutch at her temples. "The... fuck..." Her eyes flashed between orange and black.

The pendant around her neck glowed with the same light. The next instant she melted into the ground, just like Yamata did.

"...What the fuck?" I blinked, "I mean it's obvious what happened but... What the fuck?"

"Gotta agree with the brat: what the fuck?" Nobu asked.

"I don't feel her anymore... It appears she teleported away." Sei looked around. "Maybe BEAST's control over her mind faltered, and they decided to cut their losses?"

"That's almost definitely what happened, the way her eyes flickered, I think we saw a bit of her real self back there." I paused, thinking back on it a bit. "...I think it's the pendant."

"A foci. Yes, all powerful spells need a linchpin to keep working for an extended amount of time."

"Then, if we remove or destroy the pendant..." Himiko said with rising hope.

"We take away their brainwashing as well, or at least any active control BEAST has over them." I nodded, "It's probably why they have so many people wearing their pendants. Those people probably don't even know they're being brainwashed... Hey! Check if some of those guys made it out alive! We're going to have to test this!"

Several people did indeed survive. After removing the pendants and nursing them back to health we discovered they didn't remember a thing about their actions, with the last memory being of a stranger selling or gifting them with the pendant. Most of them came from East Asia, but others were from all over the world.

"Well, if anything,this confirms that BEAST is a worldwide threat." I sighed, "Though the fact that they were able to make an entire army like that... honestly what the hell how long have they had these guys for."

"I checked: those from East Asia were recruited after we set off to conquer Taika, while most of the others go as far as a few years." Yoshi grimly informed me.

"I see, ugh. They probably didn't think of any of the nations around here as a threat and then promptly flipped their shit when the plan for Zipang didn't go well. Which must mean that they have armies in Europe and other countries as well." I groaned, "Great. Who knows, at this point BEAST could've been since the start of the world war. Hell I wouldn't even be surprised if they were the ones who caused it in the first place. It's not like anyone actually knows the series of events that started it."

"We'll beat them. We'll find them and we'll beat them." Himiko declared, hands clenched. "We'll rescue Takeru!"

PART TWO: THIS WORLD IS WACKIER THAN I THOUGHT

END​

====

Notes:

Chen: What the hell happened in the original? Did they never even figure out what was going on?

Alex: Yes, but much later.

Chen: Oh my god they're idiots.

Alex: Japanese game.

Chen: Fair point.

 

[Alexander]

Chapter 37: Party Rock Anthem

====

"We need to address one last point and we have finished." Yoshi informed everyone while depositing an obscenely tall pile of paperwork into an handcart. "We don't have much information about the lands outside the continent, so I want to hear your opinions about what our next objective should be."

"Ooouuhh..." Shi winces before coughing, her right hand inside a bowl full of ice. "If I could repeat what Sun has told me… Now that the Taika Empire and Mongolia are a part of Zipang's territory, we could declare war to the neighboring country of Russia…"

"However, I don't recommend it." Kublai shook her head, her sore hand being taken care of by a solicitous Marco. "Not only is the Russian weather prohibitive to everyone who wasn't born there, challenging Russia with our current military potential would only be making trouble for ourselves."

"From India we're able to attack the neighboring country of Macedonia." Ashoka seemed unbothered by the pain. "Though that requires we revive the Silk Road first. Even then, just like with Russia declaring war on Macedonia would be beyond our current abilities. However, there is one more area that could be potentially be attacked by India: the South Seas. Last I heard of it some skirmishes have broken out around those parts. This could be a good chance to take advantage of the situation."

My hands burned…

"Hwababjab…" I mumbled before shaking my head, "Oh uh, I mean, on the one hand Russia is literally the worst place to invade ever, on the other hand I've never heard of Macedonia so… That's a first."

"Macedonia is a medium-sized country between Asia and Europe." Ashoka explained. "It seems that the current ruler is a great warrior that had lead their armies on many successful campaigns, so their soldiers are probably more experienced than ours."

"Oh. Fun." I tired sighed, "So basically we're screwed one way and we're screwed another aren't we. Mmf, we're gonna have to pull something extreme off to actually get past this obstacle… I'm just going to have to go ahead and say that Macedonia - Makedonia? Makedoniia-"

"You had it right the first time." Yoshi deadpanned,

"Make- Macedonia is our best bet since we don't have to plan around mother nature itself… I think."

"What… What about the South Seas?" With an enormous struggle Himiko pushed herself up from where he was face-planted on the table, her right arm hanging uselessly. "Ashoka-san said it's the easier target at the moment."

"I didn't say that. I just said that, due to already existing skirmishes, attacking it now could give us a good chance." She corrected.

"Oh. Sorry I-I'm more then a bit out of it at the moment." A yawn escaped my lips, "My new life goal is learning how to get into a fist fight with a sword."

"Ignore what comes out of his mouth." Yoshi had a half-lidded stare. "We don't have to decide right now. We can take it easy for a little more in order to let the soldiers rest and investigate more out possible objectives. I'll see everyone again tomorrow for the next batch of paperwork."

The answer was a collective groan.

====

So, let's recap a bit shall we?

After conquering east asia, or at least some countries in it I guess, and fending off a BEAST attack while also figuring out that the world has some sort of super secret conciparacy hidden underneath the surface of every country, there came a newest, most awfulest enemy ever.

It's name was paperwork and the battle against it took at least like, a week and a half of sitting in a room signing paper after paper until our hands were cramped and our eyes were sore. It's like that scene in Hot Fuzz, except eleven times as long.

Which is why, after finally being able to move my hands without pain, we all decided to go on a fucking break and party at Sei's house. Why Sei's house? Probably because there's no servants or something…

I know that's why I'm there.

"Cheeeers!" Himiko uncapped a bottle (of soda) and cheered loudly form the head of the long table. We were inside Sei's garden, the trees blooming as a pleasant breeze rustled their branches. "Zipang's fame and power is continuing to spread... As our golden country becomes a subject of admiration, I remember the time when we were in fact a worn out minor power that dreamed of the continent. Goodbye old Zipang! Hello new Zipang!"

"Is Himiko drunk? This Lu Bu doesn't quite get what she's saying."

"Well, you see." I took a sip of my milk, "When I first got booted off to Yamatai, Himiko was the ruler of like, a third of Zipang and frequently got her ass kicked by bandits and Nobu."

"And so now she's happy that's not the case anymore. Got it." Lu nodded while eating from a bowl of pork ramen. "Hey Chen, are you free one of those days? I've heard that, somewhere within the mausoleum of Shi's ancestors, there is a super-strong sword: I'm actually interested in it."

"Before that worry about Shi herself first." Sun commented from the other side, her plate full of vegetables. "I have almost located where we can find the ascetic in the Taklamakan desert. After that it's time for training in actual tactics, not the reckless charges you two always use unless I'm there with you."

Wait a minute… Super-strong sword… Asia….

"Fuuuuuuuuck." I groaned, "That's right. I totally forgot that there were a bunch of swords I need to grab for Maragi. Is she here?"

"I am Lord Chen." She raised a cup of hot green tea. "Actually, Yoshitsune-dono and Tadataka-dono send me regular reports about the search for the Five Swords Under Heaven. They haven't been found yet, but the Ooten have been spotted near the border between India and Macedonia and the Mikazuki Munechika has been mentioned in the reports from Thailand. I am reasonably confident we are close to recover them."

"Oh, I don't recognize those names but I guess that's fine." I sighed, "What else was there… Oh right Sasaki was running around looking for a cheese lady right?"

"Miyamoto Musashi." Sasaki said, her eyes closed. "Someone matching her description has been spotted running around, doing odd jobs and immediately using the money to eat in a different restaurant each day."

"Talking about treasure hunts, I found a map written by Grandmother." Kublai was eating elegantly, Marco staring at her with a blissful expression from her right side. The chair on her left side has been savagely hacked apart. "This is surely a test she left behind to make sure I am a worthy ruler. Do you want to accompany me as witness?"

"No, no. Hakkai and Gojyo are coming with me. My intuition is telling me we must go and explore the Bazaar of Kashgar." Sanzo was quickly going through a plate full of sweets.

"If it is not too much trouble, I also have something to discuss with you." Ashoka added. "It's a project I would like to realize in India, but I'll need your authorization."

"Okay, okay, stop, pause, give me a second." I made a T shape with my hands before continuing, "There is way too many people asking me to do stuff with them right now. Did you all just decide that today was the day you were gonna ask me to do this or something?"

"I just took the chance of all of us being gathered here." Sun answered, to which the others nodded.

"Yeah, okay, let's figure out my now suddenly existent social life later. I don't want to spend the party with my head stuck in a calendar." I gulped down the rest of glass in one go before letting out a satisfied sigh, "You know, all this talk about treasure makes me wonder if Kusanagi can absorb other swords for power. Wouldn't be the first time it's done that."

"I don't recommend testing that. At least, not with swords I would mind losing." Sei commented from the other end of the table, a large bottle of sake next to her plate of fried tofu. Her lips split into a smile. "Alright, time for some fun! Who is up for a game of 'Likes and Dislikes'?"

"I have a feeling that this is going to go terribly wrong."

"It's a simple game: everyone write down their likes and dislikes, at least one of each, on a piece of paper." Yoshi explained. "We then put them all inside a container, randomly choose one and read it aloud. Everyone must guess who wrote it."

"Well shit, let's go for it." I nodded, "Hey Sei! You providing the materials?"

"Sure." She gave a few instructions to her Shikigami, who went and quickly returned with its comrades and a lot of writing materials they quickly spread around.

All right what to put down… Got it.

A few minutes later Sei, as the host, was the one to pick up and read the pieces of paper. "Let's see here… Likes: people being happy. Dislikes: people fighting."

"Himiko?" I turned to stare at the girl

"Shi!" Lu smiled.

"It has to be Shi:" Sun nodded.

"...Yes." the girl in question shyly admitted.

"Second one. Likes: large discounts. Dislikes: immature brats."

"Nobunobunobu?"

"Yeah, yeah: it's mine."

"Third one. Likes: Shi being happy. Dislikes: Shi being unhappy, Lu not listening to her."

"Sun." I yawned. "That was way too obvious…"

"I like being honest." is her defense.

"Fourth one. Likes: having a roof over my head. Dislikes: sewers."

"Tama." I paused, "Wait why the hell am I the only one throwing out guesses?!"

 

[Alexander]

Chapter 38: Glass Bottom Boat

====

"Okay so Zipang is Japan then we go West then we go south east before going North to deal with Russia…" I looked at the map, "Okay, I'm officially lost."

Just as I was contemplating the stupid concepts of direction the door slid open, Himiko walking inside with obvious excitement. "I've been looking for you, Onii-san. Hehe, hehehe, hehehehe…"

"Give me a second Himiko, I'm trying to figure out what direction we're going in because someone," My head turned to stare right at the girl, "Declared that going East was the right decision when we're going West."

"Such a trivial matter. No matter where we go, a golden future awaits u-oargh!"

BenBen rushed inside just after Himiko, resulting in her crashing into the miko and sending her flying to the other side of the room.

"E-eh?" The weapon-wielding girl tilted her head. "Himiko just flew off somewhere…"

"Don't bump into me from behind like that!" She replied while picking herself up. "I almost went right through the wall!"

"You have to be careful with these sort of things BenBen," I patted the tiny girl on the head, "In times like these you have to say it was Lu who broke the wall, that way you can throw Himiko into a wall as many times as you want and the builders won't get mad."

"Oh, really?"

"Don't teach her weird things!"

"Are you done talking?" Yoshi's head popped from behind the door. "The messenger is going to get tired of waiting."

"A-Ah, that's right!" Himiko straightened up. "Onii-san, a messenger from Thailand has come to Zipang seeking an audience."

"T-Thailand?" I asked incredulously, "Fri- Thailand? Really? Why the- Uh, fine you know what okay. Whatever. Let's go."


I stood up from my desk with a sigh, "So what does Thailand want anyways?"

"He didn't say, but I don't think it's anything hostile." Yoshi clarified. "The messenger is… oddly cheerful."

====

"Hello King of Zipang!" The messenger stated and wow. He… was cheerful I guess?

LIke he was wearing the usual asian clothes as far as I can tell but they were incredibly orange. So much so that it seemed that they caused his smile to explode. I half-jokingly worried that this might be a frame up job where the messenger explodes with happiness and the Thai used his death to go to war with us.

But that was silly so I just awkwardly waved my hand. "Uh… Hi."

"My name is Boon-Nam Shinawatra, ambassador of Thailand." He put his palms together and bowed, never breaking eyes contact. "You're very young, as I heard."

"But not too young I hope." I replied back, "And I wouldn't say- Well, I just kind of pulled out the sword and now I'm emperor. It was one of those kinds of days you know?"*

"Younger age means more potential to grow! The gods are wise and generous!" His smile doesn't waver one bit. "In the name of my country, I am here to offer Thailand's surrender to Zipang's growing empire."

"O...kay than?" I held up a finger, "Two questions, the first being obviously, Why? Second being if there's anything from your ruler that you have on you as proof of this decision but please answer the first one well, first."

"Wise questions. You see, the South Seas has been exposed to constant fighting for very long." Boon-Nam began. "It all started when the European Union sent a fleet to colonize the major islands. They were reasonable, and my king worked out many agreements with them. However, at one point the Europeans started clashing with a second army: those people never professed their alliance or participated in diplomatic meetings, so many now call them simply the 'Unknown'. The fight between them for territories has turned so bad that my king decided Thailand must make a choice in order to survive. That's why, in exchange for surrender, he asks first and foremost for Zipang's help in defending our country. As proof of it I present this."

From behind him he picked up a bundle and opened it, revealing a wooden tablet covered in carved words and… a katana? "My king's declaration of surrender, with the royal seal, and a gift: this sword, I was told, came from your country."

"I… can't believe it!" Yoshi's eyes widened. "That is… the Mikazuki Munechika!?"

"Okay ignore the sword for now something more important has popped up." Alright how to put this… "So, this second army, no one knows who they are right? And they're just causing things to get worse?"

"Indeed! From the reports received they just occupy territories and then forcefully conscript the people into their armies, doing nothing to stabilize and consolidate their power. Very odd, very odd." He shook his head in befuddlement.

My head whipped towards Yoshi as fast as I could, "Yoshi! Do you have a drawing of the pendant on you?"

She nodded, looking through her documents before taking out said drawing. "Do the soldiers of this 'Unknown' wear pendants like this?" She asked while showing it to Boon-Nam.

"Yes! Indeed they do!"

"Tsk." I suppressed a curse, "I know who the army is. The long story short of it is that they don't belong to any country, but they're everywhere in the world. I'd consider them close to a terrorist group, trying to make sure that the world war that is going on last forever and that no country stabilizes or gets too good. They're a powerful group who can use necromancy and manipulate the minds of men, and the pendant you see here is their main way of controlling people. We just call them 'BEAST'."

God damn… It's them. Of course it's them, when is it ever not them? Rebellion? BEAST. Pirates? Also BEAST. Someone ate the last cookie? Well damn it we have so many problems caused by them we might as well blame them for that too!

They were never this blatant though in the past. Why the hell are they just outright fighting…

"Ai! Which grave news!" He leaned forward on his fists and leaned forward until his forehead touched the floor. "My king made the right decision! Praise the gods! King of Zipang: you who know the true nature of those fiends, please protect us! Thailand has no great heroes, but we will offer soldiers and resources in exchange for your help!"

"Mmm…" I turned around to face my friends, "Group huddle."

We all hurried to huddle together while the Messenger watched.

"It seems the necessity to act is fast approaching." Yoshi began after everyone is in position. "BEAST may be trying to gain a foothold in the South Seas in order to hinder our progress and launch direct attacks at Zipang."

"Benkei will knock them all out for Che-ny and Yoshitsune."

"What are we waiting for?" Himiko growled. "Let's accept Thailand's offer and stage a campaign immediately."

"I'm slightly worried that Thailand has some BEAST influence of their own." I hit my fist against my palm, "How about we do this, We have Tama and Sei check Thailand for any influence, and if they find nothing we accept their deal. Granted the problem with this plan is that BEAST may use this time to fuck things even worse. What do you guys say to this?"

"We could request Thailand's help to speed up things. Since those associated with BEAST wear their amulets, we can single them out easily… of course, it's entirely possible they may have infiltrators that are just corrupted." Yoshi nodded. "But those people would need to be in a position of power. I suggest we do a quick screening of the King and his court, then look deeper when things have calmed down a little."

"Right. Sounds like a plan." We broke up and turned to face the messenger, "Okay so, here's the thing…"

"Can Benkei have that sword? It looks pretty!"

"The Mikazuki Munechika is one of the Five Swords Under Heaven that Kanemoto is searching for." Yoshi informed her. "You'll have to prove your worth to her."

"Okay!"

And that was how Benkei set out on her journey to master all Five Swords Under Heaven. With only three swords left, can she find, prove her worth, and master them in time to save the world from the dreadful BEAST? Find out next time on- Okay okay I'll stop.

====

"If we might begin, this time I will be explaining." Ashoka tapped a long stick (likely borrowed from Sun) on a map of the european continent spread on the wall. "Since I am limited in my information, please help me fill in the gaps."

"They're already filled too much…" I heard Nobu whispers behind me.

"Before the EU became a reality they were all small European countries fighting among themselves, but after being unified under the hero Napoleon they have grown into a nation that has acquired great power and influence. Starting with the celebrated strategist Hannibal, they've gathered an unique assembly of heroes to their side. They are currently expanding to various places with the strength reminiscent of Britannia's former days."

"Napoleon and Hannibal are in charge…" I shivered, "Ugh that is like, the worst combination."

"Regrettably, I agree with the thing." Marco made a sour face. "Those two are the main strategic minds of the EU, with Hannibal also being a great warrior. Though, if we are talking about raw fighting abilities Charlemagne is also a strong contender: that freak subdued a Manticore bare-handed."

"Thank you Marco, anything you can share with us will be valuable." Kublai smiles. "Napoleon is supposedly still in Europe, so the Hero fighting in the South Seas must be someone else."

"Any other heroes we should know about?" I waved my hands, "This is europe we're talking about."

Marco ignored me.

Bitch.

"I would like to know too."

And then promptly beamed at Kublai. "Certainly Lord Kublai! Napoleon and Hannibal are the ones that lead the EU's military forces, while Caesar is in charge of the logistics and Leonardo of scientific development. I already mentioned Charlemagne, who mostly fight alongside Hannibal. Who else… Faust and Nostradamus are supposedly in charge of magic development, but I never heard of any great discovery coming from there. Beethoven doesn't really fight, but her concertos greatly boost the troops' morale. Those are the heroes I met and know about. Oh, and there's also that Nero garbage too, I suppose."

"Caesar and- Nero?" What the- "That's Rome right? Oi, celery head, which one in charge?"

"Celery head?! You disgusting… If you must know, it's Caesar who is pretty much in charge. That Nero garbage likes to pretend otherwise, but she's just an attention whore."

"Yeah that… Sounds like Nero. Has she set the country on fire yet?" I paused, feeling like I was missing something before continuing. "Umu?"

Marco looked at me like she couldn't believe something this stupid could exist. "Just the ears of those listening when she tried to sing in public. Napoleon usually locks her away in the Catacombs as punishment when she misbehaves, which is pretty much always."

"So many powerful opponents. Yet, as long as we stay united we are invincible, no matter the enemy." Kublai cooly smiled. "Let us hold hands and overcome this test. Yes, we won't waver in the stormy seas of the south either."

"Kyaaaaaahh!! Lord Kublaiiii!!" Marco blushed brightly. "Yes! Please take my hands, my body, my everything!"

"Can, can we continue?" Even Ashoka looked a little disturbed. "The European Union has a much greater technological progress compared to other nations. It seems they're producing and ammassing firearms and cannons. Both are state of the art and extremely powerful, but that doesn't necessarily mean our weaponry is inferior."

"Aren't most of Zipang's firearms european ones bought on Amasson?" Himiko pointed out.

"The reason they're so good." Nobu commented.

"You read the customer reviews right?" I turned my head to the pink haired woman, "That's usually important umu."

"Oh, I see…" Ashoka mumbled. "That concluded my explanation. I would like to tell you about the mysterious army the EU is fighting, but they left no hint. We just know this time we will fight two enemies at once, so we must make sure to not expend all of our strength on fighting just one."

"Uh… Ashoka? Have you been living under a rock for the past week?" I gave her my best confused stare, "We know who the second army is, did no one tell you?"

"I know about them being BEAST." She calmly explained. "But I can't tell you about the specific forces they have in the South Seas. Numbers, composition and so on are still unclear."

"Ah…" I nodded, "Anything else we need to discuss?"

"If we accept Thailand's offer we will have access to the port of Saigon, which will allow us to attack Singapore and Brunei, both under EU control." Yoshi told me. "Since there is no reason to make the EU our enemy yet it may be best to observe the current situation for now instead of attacking right away."

"So accept and just watch for now?" Hm, "Eh, sounds good enough. Umu."

"Oh god it's like Nobu all over again."

====

IT'S THE LANCELOT FOOD WORLD TOUR GO GO GO!

Today's episode is the fresh cuisine of Thailand, especially the papaya and shrimp with sweet and sour sauce. Remember that this episode was brought to you by the Himiko Foundation, go buy from our sponsors!

Though I won't be eating anything.

"You really should though." Lancelot said, taking another bite out of her food. "It's sho good."

"Oi can you read my thoughts?!"

"Nope, they can be seen all over your face." She takes another large bite. "Oooh, there's a subtle accent of peanut, it really brings out the flavor…"

"KYAHHHHHH!!!"

I heard a girlish scream before something fell from the sky and landed in front of us with enough force to make the ground tremble. A small woman dressed in a navy uniform, holding a rifle in one hand. She looked plain with brown hair dressed in two braids and some glasses. Also-

"I didn't know Tama had a sister." I commented.

I'm sorry I couldn't resist the urge.

Lancelot squatted down and poked her in the side. "...Spare ribs?"

"Don't go saying scary things like that…" The mysterious woman whispers.

"You can't eat humans Lancelot." I looked over the woman again, "Or can you… Wait, this is not a question of weather you can. It's of weather you should. I think the answer is that you shouldn't."

"Save me…"

====

"And, done." The doctor tied up the last gauze. "You have an excellent constitution miss. That amount of physical trauma would have reduced most people to a red smear, but you will be back to normal in a few days."

"Please don't compare me to that steel balls idiot." She grumbled. Then, after the doctor left she adjusted her glasses and offered me a small nod. "...Thank you for saving me."

"Eh, no problem." I shrugged, "So what was that all about anyways?"

"Just to be sure, I am in Zipang's territory, right?"

My face scrunched up as I tried to do some mental gymnastics. "Eh… Technically?"

"This is Thailand, right? I have heard they have begun negotiations to join Zipang,were the reports wrong?" She shook her head. "Nevermind that. I guess I should introduce myself first: my name is James Cook, and I am the Captain of the EU's South Seas Fleet. With who I have the pleasure of speaking to?"

"Um…" I quickly turned around and pulled Lancelot to me. "Should we tell her?"

"Our names? Wouldn't that be dis… dips… wouldn't giving out ours be bad?"

"Got it." I whipped back to face Captain Cook who I'm pretty sure found Hawaii, "I'm Dagonet and this is my friend Fou."

"Nice to meet you, Sir Dagonet and Lady Fou. I know this may sound out of the blue, but I would like to request Zipang's assistance in fighting the unknown army that the EU has been fighting until now." Cook explained. "Due to a massive attack we lost Singapore, Brunei and Manila in a short order and have been pushed back all the way to Cebu. My colleague Magellan has been isolated… or rather, she's fortifying it and Guam to draws our enemies to her. If we move now, we have a chance to catch them in a pincer attack."

"And you're asking us… why?" I pointed at myself, "Like, not just Zipang. I mean me and Fou."

"Ah well, I thought to make my intentions perfectly clear before asking you to bring me to Zipang's leaders." She answered with a slight embarrassing tone. "You know, to foster trust…?"

My finger twirled around as Lancelot and I huddled for the second time. "What d'ya think?"

"Her clothes make me think of seppia dumplings with honey. I am not sure it's a good combination…"

"No idea what that is, doesn't sound appetizing." Hmm, What if. "Okay Lancelot- er Fou, Think of it like this, if she were Food, would she be good food or bad food?"

"Ah, that's easy!" She beamed. "She's definitely good food, I can tell by the smell! Leading a hand to those in need would be a noble act, almost as if we were knights."

"Technically we are but she doesn't know that." I turned back to the brown haired woman and sighed, "How long until you can leave the hospital?"

"I'm pretty sure I can at least walk." Cook tried to stand: she wobbled a little but didn't fall. "Yes. I know there are procedures to follow, but I implore you to be quick. If we don't move soon Magellan will be in danger!" She said hotly before catching herself. "Or rather, we'll lose our chance at a pincer attack. I don't really care about what happens to Magellan, but if the EU territories are all taken I'll get severely scolded. That's the only reason. That's it. I couldn't care less about that wacko with a fetish for steel balls."

"You uh, you might want to rephrase that last bit." I winced, "Right! Anyways don't worry, I'll take you to see the emperor in… Fou how far is the capital? Ten minute walk?"

"Dunno about the capital, but we left the palace for ten minutes before finding Cook."

"Eh, point." I glanced at the woman, "Don't worry, we won't have to cut through bureaucratic bullshit. I know a shortcut trust me."

====

Notes:

Alex: You know she'll find out the truth almost immediately, right?
Chen: That's the joke
Chen: Actually, I'm surprised Lancelot didn't recognize the name Dagonet.
Alex: Maybe a guy with that name doesn't exist in Bizarro World?
Chen: Or maybe she's just used to the other knights saying they're Dagonet to get away with stuff. Who knows?

 

[Alexander]

Chapter 39: You Got A Friend In Me

====

"Ku, I can't believe I was fooled so easily... You are a frighteningly cunning individual, King of Zipang." Cook mumbled.

"I said my name was something else and you believed it." I shot back, "None of that was quite in the definition of cunning."

"How was I supposed to know you were lying? What kind of person introduce themselves with a fake name to an injured girl they saved?"

"I blame Lancelot." I pointed my finger at the knight in question, "She forced me to do it officer."

Cook pointed at Lancelot, currently in the middle of wolfing down another bowl of food, with a look that scream 'really?'.

"Yeah, yeah. You two can continue playing later." Nobunaga interrupted. "So, Miss Captain of the EU's South Seas Fleet, to recap: we help you take the enemy in a pincer attack and save your friend, and in exchange we keep the cities we conquer on the way. Sounds fair?"

"We're not really friends... but fair." She sighed. "And the campaign was going so well..."

"What are we waiting for then?" Himiko stood up and pointed forwards like a famous videogame lawyer. "To war!"

"In a few days. The Thailandese King is willing to lend us ships, equipment for sea-combat and sailors experienced in the latter, but it will take some time." Yoshi said. "We aren't facing pirates this time, but a full army. To successfully pull off a pincer attack we will need numbers and momentum."

"I'll help if you allow me, I know the South Seas very well." Cook offered.

"Yay." I monotonously clapped, "We'll leave it to you then."

"There is also another matter." Yoshi opened a map of the region near Thailand and pointed to the sea around Saigon. "BEAST also controls Singapore, Jakarta and Bali. If we move to Brunei we will expose our backs, so we need to leave someone to defend both Saigon and Brunei after we take it. Chen, your decision?"

"Am I allowed to phone in a friend?" I asked, raising up my hand.

She raised an eyebrow but slowly nodded, while Himiko just mouthed 'phone' with a confused expression.

Oh right yeah phone isn't a word anymore. And gameshows don't exist now that I think about it, not that I know what game show I'm currently referencing.

"Someone grab Sun for me please."

While we waited for the strategist to arrive Cook asked a question. "Why do you call the enemy BEAST?"

I paused before turning to Yoshi, "I feel like I've explained this five times in the last week. Have we made a pamphlet or something yet?"

"Not a pamphlet." She reached down and produced a small book, a picture of BEAST's amulet and their organization's name on the front. "But in my spare time I wrote this. Beside our experiences so far with BEAST I also included a theoretical analysis of the best way to handle a world-wide conspiracy aimed to destabilize countries and instigate wars."

Himiko shuddered. "Spare time, she say. What is this thing she's talking about?"

Pfft.

"What do you even do?" I countered with a laugh.

"As far as I remember? I used to drink good tea, eat good sweets, rest on soft pillows, play with the children... good times." The shrine maiden like girl sighed wistfully.

"...They let you around children?" That was... "Their parents allowed that?"

"Hey!" She protested.

"Actually, Himiko is very good with children." Yoshi defended her, Nobu nodding and Cook busy reading Yoshi's book. "Or, more exactly, they get along as if she's one of them."

"That's-wait." Very slowly Himiko turns to Yoshi with a deadpan expression. "Did you just call me a child?"

"No. I merely implied you have a throughout knowledge of how children think, and the ability to make use of it almost naturally."

"Translation: You think similarly to that of a kid naturally!"

"So you were insulting me!"

====

"Yo." A certain red-clad Servant greeted me.

"What. Why." I oh so elegantly responded.

"The answer to your first question is: you're asleep, and this is a dream." He gestured to featureless landscape around us. "The answer to your second question is: to tell you something. After you finish with the South Seas go to Australia: I found a perfect medium to talk to you without resorting to this kind of pseudo-vision, but it seems BEAST got there first."

"Australia. As in the land down under." That was uh... "Well I can't say I expected Australia though I guess a spiritual medium being there makes some kind of sense. I guess. Oi mate."

"Yes, I have time to answer some more questions." He flopped down on a chair that just popped into existence.

"So," I coughed, "The fuck is BEAST anyways?"

"...Part of what I can tell you is just speculation." He answered slowly. "First, all the humans that wear their pendants are cut off from the collective unconsciousness, or at least the part of it that I can perceive. If it wasn't clear I have troubles acknowledging the negative side of humanity like, for example, nihilism. And when those pendants are removed they lose all memories of what they did. BEAST's existence is known or suspected in other countries, but no one has realized yet they're world-wide threat."

"I see..." I paused, before awkwardly looking away. "Sorry man, I know we're in a mandatory exposition scene and all but I can't think of what to ask you."

"Eh, don't worry. Find that medium, remove BEAST's influence on her and we can talk as much as you want. Do me a favor and try to be friends with that girl, okay? She will never admit it out loud, but she really hates being lonely."

"I'm sensing Tsundere. Mother fucker are you sending me to a Tsundere-"

"Nope. No Tsun side within that one." He pretended to check a watch on his wrist. "Oops, our available time has run out."

I woke up.

With mild annoyance I stared at the ceiling, the memory of the dream still vividly in my head. I slowly got myself out of bed before opening the door to my room.

Than I shouted.

"WE'RE GOING DOWN UNDER LADDIES!"

====

Ah Brunei. Brunei Brunei Brunei.

Where is Brunei you ask? I have no idea!

I'm just saying Brunei because it sounds like one of those sophisticated words. Is Brunei a wine? Sitting back in my armchair, relaxing by the fireside, drinking a bottle of Brunei!

Wait no now it just sounds like a beer.

Well whatever, the important thing is I am now in Brunei! Here to beat up BEAST! Again! I can't say much about the city itself but hey, it's the thought that counts right?!

Wait a minute-

"Hey guys," I began, looking at my companions. "Since we're fighting BEAST what's the likelihood they're gonna throw a hero at us. Again."

"If you remember, that's one of the reasons Sun assigned Sasaki-dono to this mission." Yoshi gestured to Sasaki, who respectfully nodded. "Currently you and her are the more suited for one-on-one fights due to your respective techniques. I am here to take care of strategy, Himiko of healing, Kublai-dono really insisted for coming and Marco was adamant in following Kublai-dono."

"Mmh, the sea breeze is quite pleasant." The blue-haired girl hummed while facing the sea on the ship's bow. "I have once heard there are horses living in the ocean. I wouldn't mind trying to tame one."

"I'm sorry Lady Kublai, but Seahorses are very small, around the size of a person's hand." Marco replied while fanning her master. "They are no fit to be ridden by humans."

"Is that so? What a shame."

"They aren't even shaped like horses!" I called out, "They're just called that! Unless you can ride a fish I wouldn't recommend it!"

"If it's large enough it can be ridden." She declared. "Marco, I have decided: I shall find a worthy steed and become the Pegasus of the South Seas! Please assist me with your experience."

"Kyaaaa! Lady Kublai! I will serve you forever and ever!"

"And here I thought I was used to weird things..." Cook commented with an even tone. "Where did you find those two?"

"They ruled Mongolia, I beat them up, now they follow me now." I paused, "Man that makes me sound like a delinquent. Anyways if you want to see real crazy ladies I picked up off the street go meet Sanzou. Actually don't, I don't want to go to war with the EU because you accidentally got brainwashed."

"With all due respect, once we rescue Magellan I'm getting the heck outta here. Well, it's not like I really care about that idiot... but continuing the mission alone would be extremely difficult. Even if most of it is due to that idiot's stunts." She shook her head and looked at the horizon. "Anyway, we should be close to Brunei now. Judging from the troops that chased us to Cebu BEAST should have left just a small garrison, but the port is easily defendable. There is, however, a second path in a different side of the island that lead to Brunei, large enough for many troops to use."

"I see... We'll do it this way: we'll approach the city using that path, while our ships distract BEAST by pretending to prepare for a sea attack, and strike while their backs are turned."

"Right, sounds like a plan." I nodded, before grinning. "This'll be fun."

====

"That was not fun." I muttered, having finished the job. "I'm kinda bored actually."

So we had managed to get back Brunei and Minilla fairly easily, really. I mean I guess it makes sense because BEAST can't always throw a hero at us but come on. The most exciting that happened was that some guys had crossbows.

That's like going on vacation and saying that the most exciting thing that happened was that you went to a convenience store a minute away from your hotel room.

Still, having to handicap myself a bit so as to not kill the troops was... Well it was a thing I guess.

Also what's up with this place and the cities sounding like food? Is it just something that happens?

"We've finally arrived." Himiko said once we set foot within Cebu. "So, Cook-san, where is your friend? Is she hiding somewhere?" Just then the earth started shaking. "Wha-What's this rumbling...?!"

"Cook!" Running towards us, with a honest-to-god dust cloud billowing behind her, was a girl with red short hair, a fancy european navy vest thing like James has and... she was only wearing a swimsuit and boots. Like, not like Kublai who went around in a bikini thingamabob. No it was just a standard white schoolish swimsuit.

And you know what's the worse part?

It actually makes sense.

"I've endured through effort and spi-" The girl continued without stopping.

"There."

Until Cook took aim and shot her right in the head, the blow exploding and slamming her on the ground.

"The special explosive bullet I prepared for today exploded just like it should." Cook looked very pleased to herself.

A few seconds later Swimsuit Girl stood back up, not a single wound on her. "Cook, that hurt." She complained.

"Even with an explosive... You're unharmed." The bespectacled woman gaped. "You really are crazy. You must have a fetish for this stuff." She sighed. "I was worried for nothing."

"So," I tilted my head, "This is Magellan? Magellan Magellan Magellan Magellan, uh... First one to sail around the world? Could've sworn I had a project on her once..."

"That's right! I'm Magellan, Cook's best friend!"

"We're nothing of the sort." Cook protested.

"Effort and spirit are what give us strength! Thanks to the Circumnavigating Shot No.2, we were able to endure!" Magellan continued. "Watch this, my secret, lethal technique! I've named it... the Vanishing Ball!"

She picked up a cannonball one-handed, pulled back her arm... and then threw it at the ocean so fast it was like the projectile was shot by a cannon, resulting in a distant column of water like a real cannonshot.

"This is a triumph of friendship! I thought of it after seeing Cook holding her rifle!"

"What is she, a human cannon?" Himiko sounded both shocked and fascinated.

"Don't you know Himiko? In our hearts there's always the canon of emotion!" I paused, "Lance- Fuck she's not here."

"Our friendship, Cook, gave me strength! Headquarters is sure to give us a scolding now!" Magellan sounded oddly cheerful.

"Annoying..." Cook scowled. "...As long as you're alright, Magellan, I guess it's bearable."

"Cook! Thank y-" She was shot again. "It hurts to be shot by surprise..."

"Are you trying to hide your embarrassment?" Yoshi asked with a knowing smile.

"Yoshi, do you perhaps sympathize with Cook?" I said, putting my hand to my mouth. "Could it be, you feel the same way towards hanging out with Himiko and I?!"

"Don't be silly Chen." She flashed a cool smile. "I don't need to hide what doesn't exist."

"That... I am not sure how to interpret that..." Himiko mumbled.

"Now then. My thanks to the Zipang forces for helping us all this time." Cook moved next to Magellan-and pointed her rifle at me. "Yesterday's friend is today's enemy. This shot signals our proclamation of w-"

"Circumnavigating Shot No.3!"

Magellan grabbed Cook from behind and performed a backdrop wrestling move.

Mhh, mhh, What should I do in this situation huh? Huuuuh?

Slowly, I walked over to where Cook was being pinned down by Magellan and leaned in before a dumbass smile blossomed on my face. "Friiiiieeeenndshiiiiiiip?~"

"That's right Cook! We're friends with the Zipang army now!" Magellan fiercely declared.

"N-No, we just asked for their cooperation temporarily..." Cook tried to protest.

"Joining hands with a former stranger to fight a threat to peace and prosperity... Gets you fired up, doesn't it!?" Her pupils, probably as an effect of her Brave, turned into literal flames. I wonder if I could do that. "Now, we'll restore peace to the South Seas together! I'll give my strength to aid Zipang in their mission!"

"J-Just listen to me first-!"

"WHO CARES!" Cook was subjected to another backdrop. "Oh, how disappointing Cook! We've got to protect this golden situation! We'll defeat the Unknown Army by uniting together! We'll drive them back with the strength of our friendshi-Cook?"

The bespectacled girl was out cold.

"Huh? You'll catch a cold sleeping in a place like this."

"Well, ignoring that for now!" I exclaimed, running over to pull the red head to her feet before throwing my arm around her. "We're friends now I guess! Magellan Magellan Mahjellen? Mag? Meg? Gah, whatever! I'll just call you Mazero! It's the worst kinda nickname but I can't deny that it fits!"

"Friends can call each other however they like! No matter the word used, it will always mean FRIEND!" Magellan declared. "I'll call you Francisco! Cool name, isn't it?!"

"I guess I'm spanish now! Wait, Is Francisco spanish? It sounds like a spanish name!"

"It's Portuguese! I'm Portuguese after all!" She smiled. "You need to visit my country Francisco, you'll adore it!"

"What am I even looking at?" Himiko wondered.

"I do not mean to interrupt your bonding time." Yoshi looked in the distance. "But they are signaling BEAST reinforcements are coming."

"Mazero!" I yelled, pointing out into the sea. "FRIENDSHIP CANON HO!"

"Gotcha! Then I'll attack from over there! Do you best on that side! Let's get our butts moving!" She grabbed Cook and sped off in her chosen direction.

...I sighed before turning to face Yoshi and Himiko. "Maaan, that girl has energy for days."

===

Notes:

Chen: I am uncertain as to weather this Mage- Fuck it, I dunno weather Mazero has actually circled the world or not. I don't think she has but her attack names indicate differently.
Alex: Maybe she's dreaming of doing it. Or maybe... the ones who did the circumnavigating are the balls she tossed?
Chen: ...Heh. But Himiko, she doesn't have the balls.
Alex: Not yet.
Someone in the distance: "WHAT?!"
Alex: Oops, there's a crack in the Fourth Wall. Gotta remember to repair it.
Chen: Maybe the studio will give us enough budget to revamp this segment. Till next time!

 

[Alexander]

Chapter 40: Heat Haze

====

I sighed as I looked out at the ocean after what was probably going to be one of the last battles of the South Sea campaign. "Hey Yoshi? When you think of the south sea you usually think of pirates, right?"

"Actually, I never did. But I guess that pirates are a reasonable concern when traveling through sea." She replied. "Why do you ask?"

"Because when you think of pirates what's the first word that comes to mind?! No, wait, don't answer that! The first word that comes to mind is obviously: ADVENTURE!" I threw a fist in the air. "AND DAMMIT WE'RE LACKING ANY OF THAT HERE! Come on! With all the other campaigns there were at least interesting people to meet but BEAST isn't even trying to make the sea not seem boring!"

"I can think of many reasons for that, but I'll say this instead: don't complain about nonsense stuff." She shook her head. "Yes, until now BEAST's sole advantage has been their larger reservoir of troops, but numbers can compensate for only so much. And if they have to resort to brainwashing to gain troops... well, that speaks volumes of their approval rating among basically everyone."

"What if, and hear me out here." I held up my hands, "We get Lancelot, throw her into the ocean, and then say that whatever fish she catches will be cooked by the bests chefs we can find."

"...Provided she can swim, I can see it being motivational enough for her to develop a bare-handed fishing technique." She answered after a few moments of thinking it through. "The real question is: why? And no, 'because it's funny' doesn't count."

"I was thinking that the chaos she causes would be an interesting show to see, plus you know." My grin wasn't demonic, no surrey. "I may or may not have been thinking of suckering the older heroes into a few bets."

"The depths of your out-of-the-box thinking never cease to amaze me."

"I'll have you know I think on the box." My hands clenched into fists. "Okay Yoshi! When we get back we're going to be brainstorming ways to make up for the lack of excitement that this campaign had!"

She looked up at the sky, then away from me, and finally back at me. "My answer is a tentative yes. Please, don't make me regret it."

===

After a lot of boring battles on both land and sea we finally arrived in the last area of the South Seas still under BEAST's control: New Guinea and its only city, Port Moresby.

And finally, we found some difficulties.

"That place was built on a natural fort." Yoshi commented as we observed the city from afar. "It'll be difficult to launch an attack."

"An astute observation." Marco observed. "I looked into it a bit, but the defenses from the front are solid. It's unforgiving as it looks."

"Aside from the front, the rest is surrounded by reefs and sunken rocks." Tama added. "Sadly our ships weren't build for that, so circling around and cutting in would be difficult."

"And a frontal assault would just leave us open for possible enemy reinforcements, since they know this area better than us." Sun finished.

"Sorry, but Port Moresby is the only area we didn't have time to explore before BEAST took it." Cook explained. "I know as much as you do."

"So front is out, sides and back our out... " Hm, the only thing that comes to mind is… "A range assault? No wait, BEAST literally doesn't know the meaning of surrender… Sleeping gas bombing? I don't even know if we can do that."

"We can't. Stay realistic. Still, it is a port…" Sun looked at the provisory map Tama made. "If we there was an access on the North we could travel from Guam or Cebu and mount an assault there." She pointed to a peninsula north of Port Moresby. Cook, Magellan: do you think you can find one?"

"With my Resolution and Magellan's Trinidad, there's no sea that we can't explore." She smiled in a pleased manner. "Just give us a few escort vessels and some time."

"Alright, now remember this." I turned to Mazero, "You can do anything with the power of friendship."

"Don't forget effort!"

"Please don't encourage her…"

I grinned at James.

====

"Chen, can we talk?" Ashoka asked me while we were waiting on the EU girls for results. Following her were also Sanzou and Lu, though the latter looked like she was just going along with the flow.

"Those are ominous words." I shot back instinctively, "Those are the kind of words to which the usual reply is 'I have a bad feeling about this'."

"I assure you, it is nothing ominous." She smiled kindly. "I merely wish to discuss with you the project I mentioned before. It is my intention to build Pillars of the Law all around India. They're, ah, they're stone pillars with carvings about the teachings of dharma and historical events."

"Okay, now," I turned to the busty redhead, "Now why are you here? Like no offense but, you-you guys aren't a trio. Sanzou and Ashoka are like kind of a duo but you uh, you don't really fit if you know what I mean."

"It's what I'm been trying to tell her all this time." She pointed at Sanzou. "She kept calling me Gojyo and insisting she needs to keep a strict eye on me, lest my 'lecherous' nature starts taking over. And Sun wouldn't do anything, saying that this way she can relax." She shrugged. "It's not like it's boring or anything, but this Lu Bu is a little unsure about what she should do."

"Oh! Right!" I had been avoiding Sanzou for so long I had completely forgotten about that. It was the moment that really sunk in that I covered my mouth and began giggling. "You, lecherous… Should I be worried about Shi's chastity?"

Oh god I can't stop the laughing.

She tilted her head in confusion. "Not really? This Lu Bu likes men, not women."

"Lying is bad, Gojyo." Sanzou admonished her. "I remember very well how fond you are of young maidens."

"And I keep telling you, my name is Lu Bu. Shi and Sun confirmed it several times."

My chuckling turned to full blown laughter, "Pft, should we call you the Night Devil of Taika? Protect your maidens from the she-devil that is Lu Bu less they fall into sin? Hahaha!"

"We're getting off-topic…" Ashoka had an awkward expression. "I know Sanzou can be a little difficult to deal with at times, but her heart is in the right place, so please bear with her."

"This Lu Bu will do her best."

"Thank you. Now Chen, about my proposal… will you allow it?"

"Oh yeah, sure. I don't really have anything against it. Just write up the details on a piece of pa- No wait that'd mean it would go through the nightmare that is bureaucracy. Uh, you're gonna have to run it by Yoshi. I mean it's fine by me but she might point something out, just don't use my permission to bulldoze it through and it should be good? Yeah that sounds right."

I could king I swear.

====

"We've returned!" Mazero declared as they appeared within the building. She and Cook looked like they went through very rough times, and there was a giant straw casket behind them. "And we bear gifts!"

"Uh...." I let out as I looked at the casket. "You… Okay um, what did you do?"

"You don't want to know. You really don't want to know." Cook muttered with utter seriousness.

"We found a safe sea route from Guam to the north of Port Moresby. Well, it's safe now! It turned out the reason BEAST don't patrol those waters it's because they were infested with giant sea serpents!"

"I lost count of the times I was almost swallowed…" Cook muttered again. "Annoying, annoying, annoying…"

"Okay so uh I'm just going to ignore the fact that A) Giant Sea Serpents exist and B) You guys just pulled some shit straight out of what, Irish myth? Actually I think it's Norse- You know what whatever uh." Think think think, "Hey Cook, I have a question."

"Annoying, annoying… What is it? ...Annoying, so annoying…"

"Uh so," How do I put this… "Isn't James a boy's name?"

"Annoying… Well, yes." She shrugged, the light returning to her eyes. "But you see, in Europe it's custom to choose a baby's name before they are born… doesn't make sense, I know, but midwives' traditions."

"Oh so they thought you were gonna be a boy?"

"Yes. And between eight children, they got it right seven times." She pointed at herself. "Guess who's the unlucky eight?"

"Eight siblings- Oh that's right people used to have as many children as they could…" I shuddered, "Yeesh, that's a lot of siblings. Final question, you ever been to this place called Hawaii? Island chain in the middle of the pacific?"

"Hawaii? Lovely place, if a bit wild." She nodded. "It was a short visit to map out the sea routes, but the locals were friendly… maybe too friendly. What does 'Everyone Hau'oli' ever mean, I wonder…?"

"Oh did you come in that ship with a white sail? Yeah they thought you were one of their gods." I waved, "Long story short there's a myth that one of their gods went out to sea in a boat to go look for things or something. Anyways yeah, by pure coincidence the white sail/flag thing was the sign of their god and you know, you had things from Europe so…. mystery solved?"

"...That would explain some things, yes."

Meanwhile Mazero climbed up to the top of the casket and removed the top. "Francisco! Observe this beauty!" She lifted up a giant blue serpen-

And nope.

I turned back to James, "On the bright side, it's not every day you can convince people that you're the face of god."

If I acknowledge that it exists right in front of me my worldview will break so I'd rather keep all the fantasy creatures to a linguistic level.

====

Operation: Sea Surprise.

Objective: Launch a surprise attack on Port Moresby.

Current Status: Uh…

"Where," I began, my eyes sweeping across the deserted city. "The hell is everyone?"

Have you ever heard of a Ghost Town? Towns where all sign of humans have vanished? That was the most apt way to describe the city of Port Moresby. There was just… no one. In fact, I'm not even sure if there were any animals in this city beyond mere insects.

The entire place was just empty, and judging by the buildings it had been that way for a long time. Weeks at the minimum, maybe even months.

It was…. eerie. My nerves were on edge and I couldn't help but feel like I had just been dragged into a B-List horror game. Maybe if there was just some sign of noise beyond that of my troops I could relax a bit, but all I had was silence.

And boy was it deafening.

"C-Could we be walking into a trap…?" Himiko wondered aloud, clearly also unnerved by the scene.

"That's… bad." I muttered, taking Kusanagi out of it's sheath and going on full guard. "Your standard BEAST soldier literally doesn't have the mind to pull off a trap like this. Which could only mean-"

There was a shake, a violent rumble that made me feel like I was holding fire in my hands. My eyes glanced down to Kusanagi only to see the metal blade vibrating so fast it looked like it was cutting the air.

And the air… It was hot. A burning presence snaked through the town threatening to eat all of us alive.

The worst part was how familiar it was.

With a cold sigh I glared at the empty street before uttering a name. "Yamata."

"To sense my presence, your strength has grown a little… unlike your brain." With the sound of a liquid pouring into a container colors came into existence and gathered to form the figure of Yamata.

"...Ah…" Himiko and the others gasped at the sudden appearance, though none lowered their weapons.

"If you had taken one more step you would have been cut down by my sword, but it seems you won't go down so easily." She grinned, as if she was in complete control of the situation.

"So, you were waiting for us huh." My eyes twitched as a feeling of my own warmth began to spread from my chest. I still hadn't gotten used to this whole aura thing but… I didn't need to think about it now. "I'm surprised you bothered."

"I will never stop, not as long as you're King of Zipang, not as long as you delude yourself that you're on top of the world. Why the Kusanagi is even awakened when in your grasp, I cannot fathom."

"Takeru!" Himiko took a loud step forward, stick pointed at Yamata with determination. "No, you're not Takeru: you're just an imposter using my friend's body and defiling her memory! Show your pendant! We'll destroy it and end BEAST' brainwashing!"

"BEAST… Gah ah ah ah! Is that what you're calling us? Ridiculous." She took out and showed the pendant still around her neck. "This, is a symbol of chaos. The existence that rules the darkness. A secret society that operates in this world behind the curtains… This is the mark of the Illuminati!"

...I couldn't help it. A laugh escaped my mouth, "The Illuminati? Are you serious?! Snrk, that's just… Pathetic."

She reacted as if she didn't even hear me, calmly putting back the pendant under her clothes. "My name is Yamato Takeru. As a Hero of Zipang, I chose to side with the Illuminati. Since then, as a member of this secret society, I've been fighting you all along."

"Why does Chen-y keep laughing?" BenBen asked as I visibly shook.

"Would you take this seriously, you damn brat?!" Yamata suddenly shouted causing me to laugh even louder.

"Look, sister, just say your piece and then go down already." Nobu commented with a devil-may-care grin, her musket pointed at Yamata. "That this guy isn't taking you seriously means you aren't the big threat you believe you are. Make peace with that."

"It was all… an Illuminati plot… AHAHAHAHAHA!!!" Oh, Oh my god my sides! "And, and you tried to sound so important when you said it! Haha! Holy shit, you're like a kid trying to boast about how "Cool" he is! You're a walking punchline! Hahahaha!"

"...Obviously I got my hopes up." The heat from Yamata's aura suddenly increased as she slowly took out her sword, a near perfect copy of Kusanagi. "I'll just kill you now and say the rest at your funeral! Henceforth, I am the God-Slaying Blade! Take form, TSUMUGARI NO TACHI!"

Okay, I can't handle this. EMIYA suppress that humor for a second I can't take her seriously.

Learn about priorities next time.

Look into my world for a bit and you'll get the joke.

Anyways right right. "Ahem. Henceforth, I am the God-Slaying Blade. Any- Fuck it, too long. Stand by my side, TSUMUGARI NO TACHI!"

The warrior of fire emerged, standing proudly on even height with the dragons of Yamata.

"Fuck me!" Nobu stepped back, the heat from both manifestations rolling out in waves and billowing like a storm. "How do we step into that?!"

"Just back me up if it looks like things are going to shit!" I replied, "Unless you can pull a Demon King of the Sixth Heaven and summon a giant skeleton out of your ass I don't think you can join in on this!"

"I will learn how to do it just to prove you wrong!"

"Save the talking for later!" Yoshi gestured for the troops to back away. "Sun Tzu! Kanemoto! Shi Huang!"

"Ready!" The strategist cheerfully replied before opening her scroll, Brave gathering around herself. Maragi (That's who Kanemoto was?) and Shi were doing the same, their techniques being released on the battlefield like waves of light. Instantly I felt more strong and durable, while Yamata's dragons seemed to shrink a little.

"Guh! Having allies will not help you!" She swung her sword, two dragons coming at me from opposite directions.

Shadowing my own movement, the warrior slashed everything in front of it, creating a wave a fire that landed right in the jaws of the two dragons. Despite not hitting anything myself, I could still feel the impact against the Kusanagi. "But having allies… might've helped you!"

"I don't need allies to deal with you!" She came down on me from above, having evidently jumped immediately after her first attack. Flames were spinning around her sword, forming a maelstrom.

With my heart thumping against my chest I grabbed as much Brave as I could and pushed it into the Kusanagi until it covered the metal. It might have been a trick of the light but I swore at the moment the fire looked as sharp as knives.

A loud boom rang throughout the air as fire on fire and steel on steel collided. My opponent had gravity on her side, boring down on me.

I had a midget with green hair on my own.

Her sword slid off mine as I pushed myself to parry the blade, only for her blow to flow into a second one from below, Yamata aiming to slice under Kusanagi.

As fast as I could I bent my knees to try to cover the blow but it still hit my armor.

It hurt, it hurt a lot. I'm not sure if I was actually being burned or not but I grit my teeth to prevent myself from screaming out. I endured, struggling to slide the blow off me and end the pain.

A green light washed over me, soothing the pain, though I could still feel it's echoes. "Don't give up Onii-san!" Himiko shouted. "I wouldn't bet a single golden coin on you if it was Takeru, but there is no way you can lose to this impostor!"

Well when she puts it like that…

"Dammit… Dammit!" I growled as I yelled words I didn't think I world ever say again, "GO-SHINTAI!"

The warrior above me yelled out a loud scream as he slammed into me, creating a pillar of pure fire that lit up the surrounding area. With a scream of as much anger I could muster within me, I cut through the blinding light and revealed myself, clad in the armor of the warrior from before.

"You know…" I began, my eyes twitching. "You said something earlier that really got on my nerves. You claimed I had deluded myself into thinking that I was on the top of the world, but you're wrong. Out of everyone here I'm the one who deserves to be here the least. I don't have strength, leadership, an air of grandeur, or even any real brains. I'm the most pathetic person here, and god fuckign dammit do I know it!"

"And it would be so goddamn easy to just let the Counter Force do all the work for me! To give me strength and powers whenever I needed to pull a win out of my ass, to feel cool about doing so! That's why I was so amazed and happy when I got this technique." Yeah, even now it still kind of felt awesome to use. "But! As time went on I realized one thing: Even someone like me still has their pride. So I sealed it away, determined never to make that damn bastard save me at the last moment ever again."

I grit my teeth and glared at her as hard as I could, "Then you pissed me off more than anyone else, so you know what? To hell with my pride. I'll roar, bite, and fight no matter what I have to do, until the fire within me runs out. I still don't know why the Kusanagi chose me of all people but..."

I pulled the blade in front of me as the fires burned brighter than I had ever seen it before. "On this beating heart of mine, I swear I'll kick your ass!"

"..." Yamata just stared at me, eyes completely opened as the light reflected over her orange eyes. "...How strange. My rage is dwindling down, and in its place is a rising feeling of… excitement? I see, it must mean that this is finally a battle worth fighting. It must mean that you are finally someone worth cutting down."

She raised her blade above her head, as if getting ready to split apart the whole world. "I will call forth the trembling of the earth to rain down its fire. Now, drown in my strength!"

"Sorry to cut in just when you're having fun, but I cannot allow it." Balin's voice cut through the rising tension moments before she appeared in the same manner as Yamata. "Your time is up. Looks like it was over before it began."

My face hardened, "Are you fucking serious."

"I wish I wasn't. But fucking orders from above are fucking orders from above." She grumbled. "Nice to meet you again, Servant of Heaven. Looks like you're not torn to pieces yet. That's a relief."

Yamata glared at Balin, the remaining dragons switching to a new target. "...Do you intend to get in my way?"

"Unfortunately, yes. Pull out of here and leave those guys alone."

"…" Yamata's sword moved in a subtle but threatening way, shifting ever so slightly to better strike at Balin.

If the redhead noticed it she didn't seem to care. "Hello hello? Are you listening to me? I'm pissed too that I'm just being used as a messenger this time. Recover your strength and return home."

"And if I say no?" The copy of Kusanagi found themselves a few millimeters from Balin's jugular.

"Then Mu herself will come here to discipline your ass. You want that, be my fucking guest." Balin grinned like a shark.

Yamata sneered, remaining silent for a few seconds before sheathing her blade. "You're lucky this time, brat. Enjoy this land… and this brief happiness."

"See you later! The next time we meet I'll slice you all up good." Balin calle out. "If you're still alive, that is."

And just like that they were gone.

...A few seconds past in silence before I flicked Kusanagi, the fires turning to ash, and sheathed the blade. Almost dreading what I would face, I turned around to the other heroes and sighed. "....I…"

The rest of the words died in my mouth as I looked away.

"Takeru… she's fine." Himiko whispered, a relieved tone in her words. "She's alive. And… even though it was only just a moment, I think she remembered us. Onii-san… next time, let's save Takeru."

"I guess…" A sigh escaped my lips, "Let's just, finish this campaign and head home."

"Hey brat." Nobu walked up to me and rested a hand on my shoulder. "Just so you know, your pride is not something which is as small and easily shaken as you believe. It takes balls of steel to say the things you called me with." She grinned. "If anything, takes pride in your courage."

"Thanks, I guess." A small smile crossed my face, "But if pointing out the obvious is all there is to it I'm afraid it's a lower bar than you believe."

"Oh, I don't know." Nobu's grin didn't falter even as she jammed her musket into my side. "Here I am, ready to open you a new asshole, and you're still trying your hardest to make me pull the trigger. What is that if not courage?"

"Heh, I guess you have half of a point." Wait. "Oh you're serious about blowing your load all over me."

"Onii-san!"

"Himiko I'm leaving the rest to you! Everyone else, run like your life depends on it!"

The sound of gunfire managed to drown my worries for a while.

====

Notes temporarily closed due to renovations. - Management

 

[Alexander]

Chapter 41: Yellow Submarine

====

"Difficult to connect as always…" Cook mumbled while working on a strange machine-like contraption.

"Cook, pull back! I'll try to hit it on a diagonal 45 degree angle!" Mazero proclaimed.

"T-This is a precision instrument! If I leave it to you, it'll be crushed to pieces!" Cook put herself between the redhead and the machine. "Just give me a bit longer… just a bit…"

"So uh… What is this?" I blinked, "Are you trying to get a signal or something?"

"Basically, yes. This is the rare work of the EU's genius inventor, Leonardo Da Vinci." She explained. "The communication stones are limited in number, so she developed this. It's different from the stones, so connecting can be a pain."

"Don't Touch! Dangerous!" Himiko read aloud the labels as she peered closer. "Is it really? ...There sure are a lot of buttons and knobs…"

"That's the self destruct button." Cook casually mentioned when Himiko's fingers hovered above a certain button. "Please don't press that."

"Who the hell builds a self-destruct button in a communicati- Fuck it, why would you blow up a radio?!"

"Hiii!" Himiko jumped back in fright.

"According to Leonardo, apparently self destruct buttons are essential to machines. But according to her explanation, it will only end up with your hairs blowing up into an afro."

"...Someone tell her that the point of machines is that they don't fucking break on you." I waved my fists in the air.

"Ah, it's connecting!" Mazero announced.

"Hello, European Union headquarters." A female voice spoke from the speakers, only some static disturbing the line.

"This is Cook and Magellan from the EU's South Seas branch!"

Ohhh it's a telephone.

A sigh. "Just when I thought it might be you two. I was worried: your scheduled reports were late."

"Apologies! We were actually attacked by BEAST-" Mazero began to say before Cook's hands covered her mouth.

"D-Don't tell her unnecessary details!" Cook harshly whispered. "You'll get us in even more trouble!"

"What did you say?" Now the voice sounded suspicious. "There's too much noise. I can't hear you."

"W-We've been in tough battle after tough battle, so the reports were delayed. But they've since been resolved, so we were able to contact you." Cook explained.

"Good work. I was worried that unification was so close at hand, only for those people to appear out of nowhere and start messing things up..."

"Whose voice is that...?" Himiko wondered.

"Yo pass the line to me." I waved.

My question immediately caused Cook to panic and wave her hands in denial.

"So, since you've contacted me, it means it's over? You don't seem down, so you must have something good to report. Let's hear it: this is a direct order from the EU Leader Napoleon, so out with it."

Alright I'm just gonna go talk to her myself. I stepped forward a bit and tried to get near where Cook was on the speakers. She tried to put herself between me and it.

I turned to frantically gesture at Mazero in a series of hand movements that I hoped sent the message to help me out here.

"Cook, Magellan?" Napoleon asked again while the redhead picked up Cook and performed a backdrop wrestling move again. "I'm waiting."

A bit nervous, I took Cooks place before speaking into the machine. "Um, hi?"

"...I don't recognize that voice. Who I am speaking with?"

"Ah, this is Chen Miyafuji of Zipang. Eh, some things happened and the nation of Thailand came to us one day and requested to join our nation." I scratched my cheek, "They wanted us to help unite the South Seas as well so we came down here and ended up working with Cook and Maghellen since we have had experience with the other guys in the past."

"Zipang? ...I see. Cook, Magellan: is that true?"

"That's right!" Mazero shouted. "We were in a pinch, so we requested Zipang's assistance. As a result almost all of the South Sea has been occupied by Zipang! They're all great people, so we felt right at home! And the food is delicious!"

"..." Napoleon didn't answer, the silence foreboding.

I feel like I made a mistake.

"Ah.. Ah…" Cook was sweating like crazy. "That is... an accurate summary of what happened…"

"Cook. Magellan."

"Yes!"

"Erm… Y-Yes? What is it?"

"Those who fail must receive an appropriate punishment—it's written in my textbook." Napoleon's tone was even. "Press the yellow button, Cook."

"This one?" Mazero immediately pressed it, making Cook yelp.

A hole opened on the top of the device, light coming out as the translucent figure of a woman appeared above it like a hologram. She was an orange haired, blue eyed, no-nonsense allowed looking woman who starred sternly at us like she was about to hit us all the way from Europe. Her choice of clothing was a very decorative naval outfit (sword included) and somehow she managed to get her hair to trail off into these little twirls.

"Woah!" I yelled, falling backwards before picking myself up and taking a few steps back from the machine. "Ahahaha… whoops."

Man, and I thought Arthur looked like an Otome game villainess on first glance.

"Wa-wa-wa! A woman just suddenly appeared!" Himiko looked just as shocked.

"So you are the ruler of Zipang." Napoleon's expression softened slightly, offering me a polite smile. "I've heard a lot about you."

"Ah, it's nice to meet you as well." I nodded, "Was Cook not supposed to get us involved?"

"It's not your alliance the problem. The fact that now the South Seas are under Zipang's control, now that is the problem. Nonetheless, Cook and Magellan are friends who have served me until now. I must thank you for helping them."

"P-Past tense…" Cook gulped. "I have only bad feeling about this…"

"If I might ask, was their contribution useful?"

"Well, uh. Let me think back for a moment…" Hm, if I remember correctly. "Yeah there were times when the Illumi- er, sorry those guys are the Illumi-pft. The Illuminati. Anyways they've helped us fight them off when there were too many and we did a pincer attack on them together so… yes?"

"Ah, then I'm not worried. Cook, Magellan."

Oh god they're fired aren't they.

"Yes!"

"Ye-Yes…!"

Napoleon's smile turned into a frown completely devoid of mercy. "You're fired."

Cook turned as pale as a ghost, while Mazero just laughed. "Ahaha! I guess we're fired!"

"You're hired." I said as quick as I could.

"See? There's a country that's looking for naval captains and is willing to hire you two. Now your scheduled reports are done forever. Work hard in your new post." Napoleon finished before the hologram disappeared.

"...Whaaat…" Cook muttered, looking like she was in a trance.

"You did it, Cook!" Mazero hugged her friend. "Now I can fully focus on completing the Circumnavigating Shot No.3!"

"...I'm speechless. At least I still have a job…"

Suddenly Napoleon appeared again. "Ah, that's right. I forgot to mention it, but this communicator will self-destruct automatically. Get away now while you can." The hologram disappeared again, replaced by a loud beeping sound.

"SCATTER!"

"WAWAWAHHHH! It's gonna explode!"

The explosion was very loud, though also weak. At the end my ears were ringing, my clothes were singed and everyone but me ('cause my hair are too short) had an afro now.

"Oh." I let out weakly, "Now I see why there's a self-destruct button."

"Ahahahah!" Mazero laughed. "Everyone's got an afro now! Looking soulful!"

"My hair… is an afro…" Himiko was on the verge of crying.

"...Looking forward to work under you…" Cook managed to say before fainting.

====

All's well that ends well I guess. With Cook and Mazero joining our team, we had ended the south seas campaign and returned to our normal lives while prepping for the next one.

Well, as normal as you can be when you're the king of a fricken empire- Oh god am I World War 2 Japan? I'm World War 2 Japan aren't I?

Wait, no no no. I'm totally not World War 2 Japan I swear. Ignore the expanding Zipang empire please.

Right, right, anyways, at the moment I had returned to Zipang to go do paperwork and stuff. Honestly I don't think our conquest had changed the streets of this city much, it still seemed to be almost the same as when I first arrived.

But well, this time I wasn't running around with alcohol.

I knocked on the door. "Hey, you home?"

"Come on in." Sei's voice answered from within.

I opened the now familiar door to her shop and walked in, placing the bag of food I had been sent to get on the counter, "I got your fried tofu… Is Tama not here today?"

"Ohhh, I'm glad!" She picked up the bag with a large smile. "You listened to my little whim. No, Tada-chan has yet to pass by today. That girl keeps working without hardly takin' a break, I should help her relax somehow. Well, that can wait for now."

"Right, we heading to the yard today? It's warm enough outside."

"Gladly. I'll show you how good of a hostess I can really be. Oh, but before that there is something I want to show you." She clapped her hands, and in response her Shikigami brought from the back of the shop a large Greek vase. "Go on, take a look inside."

"....Um," Yeah, what. "You realize that if there's a vase of some special origin I have to be extra cautious because if I wasn't I'd probably end up like a mouse or something? Because that's a suspicious vase…. You know what fuck it."

Let me be said I was never one to make smart decisions!

Throwing all caution to the wind I looked inside the vase only to find… A sheep head and some golden fur- Wait a fucking minute.

"Holy shit it's the Golden Fleece!" I exclaimed, stepping backwards before looking at Sei, "Why?! How?!"

"Ara, so you know what it is. I was hoping you would." She nodded while looking pleased. "I found it while looking over Youkai's activities and bought it. I can sense it's an item of great power, but not much else beyond that."

"Yeah, it's uh. Very, very, very, fucking powerful. If I recall correctly." My thoughts banged around in my head as I tried to recall the specifics on the golden fleece. "It might not be though. I know that it was part of a Greek Heroes quest but I can't remember which one exactly… Hercules? Uh, maybe that was Jason. Not Odysseus and definitely not Achilles…"

"I know Greece is located in Europe, but sadly that's the extent of my knowledge." She picked up the fur and ran a hand across it. "Like I said, it's an item of great power. From what I could observe it made the Youkai that previously possessed it very popular. Ever since I obtained it, more people than usual have visited my shop."

"That uh, wait, could the fleece do that?" It seems a bit off… " Well, in any case, you should probably get rid of it. Items like these tend to cause more harm in the long term then the good in the short term."

"I thought you would want to use it someway, but being cautious is also wise. There are a few isolated temples where I can seal it." With another clapping of hands the shikigami brought back the vase, while Sei picked up the tofu. "Shall we?"

"Eh… moving… I just got here…" I groaned, "Can't we just slap a few seals on it, bury it in the yard, and call it a day?"

In response she giggled. "My, I was just asking if you were ready to spend some time with me in the yard, but if you insist…"

"Oh you sly vixen. My books are still on the shelf right?"

"Of course. But don't tell me if you want to read instead of spending time with little old me." Now she pouted.

I turned to her blank faced, "What is this thing you call reading."

That managed to make her grin. "They're in the same place as always."

"On it, see you in the yard!"

====

And so we spent like five hours doing nothing before finally bothering to take care of the Greek artifact.

"Feeling better?" Sei suddenly asked while she replaced the ofuda sealing the old temple's storehouse. "The meeting with Yamato-dono left you and Himiko quite shaken."

"Ah, don't. Don't mention that." I looked away, "I said some embarrassing things back there."

"And all the more significant because it's true." Her tone was soothing, lacking her usual teasing playfulness. "The part about what you call 'Counter Force' anyway. Everything about you being pathetic?"

She turned around and forced me to look her in the face. "Utterly false. Maybe it's true that you're not as talented as the other commanders, but that doesn't make you pathetic. No one who tries as hard as you can be pathetic."

I blinked, before swiping a finger under my eye as if expecting to feel water and yet coming up dry. "Tries... as hard?"

"Oh sure. You're cheeky, love to tease others and have no restrain whatsoever when it comes to say what's on your mind." She shrugged. "But you know when to ask for help, actually listen to advices even if you grumble a little at first and, most importantly, are aware of your flaws and actively try to correct them. You have been put into a very difficult position, and yet you're doing your best to deal with it without letting the circumstances drag you down. It takes a very strong heart to do so."

"Mmmm…" I nodded before looking back at the sealed temple door, "I can't exactly say I'll have a change of heart right now but… I'll think about it. Also I am very curious as to what else is in there and this is going to bug me all day if I don't get an answer."

"Growing up: such a wonderful journey." Sei giggled. "What's inside? Oh, little trinkets like magical stones, cursed weapons, a bottle of Amrita, the Tai Sui and a Greek musical instrument called a lyre. Little odd things like that."

"I swear if I find a henshin thing in there…" I scratched my head, "Also I have no idea what half of those names you dropped mean but considering you found the goddamn golden fleece I'm hoping to god that lyre isn't Orpheus's."

"Well, the seller told me it belonged to the greatest musician of all Greece." She put a finger over her lips. "Was this Orpheus' person someone like that?"

I took a sharp breath, "Ouch, yeah that's his. Or maybe hers since this timeline loves to genderflip people. The story of Orpheus… Well I can't remember all the details but he was a very good musician who could charm all the animals and even nature itself with his music but then his wife died and he played a lot of sad songs. Then he was given the chance to go to the underworld and bring his wife back with one condition: He could not look back when he did so and had to walk in front until they were both in the mortal world. So Orpheus goes to the underworld, gets his wife, and brings her back but when he gets out of the underworld he gets so anxious he turns around before his wife makes it out, trapping her in the underworld forever. The End."

"Ara, so their version of the tale of Isanagi and Isanami." Sei remarked with a somber expression. "The dead should be left to rest, but love often makes you do foolish things."

"Well, you know, it's Greek myth. 99% of it ends terribly, so if you don't die maybe you got turned into a flower, or an animal, or there was even that time when people got turned into a constellation. Or was that just a memorial? Like I said, it's been a while since I brushed up on the stories." I sighed, "Well in any case I know for a fact that the Greek Gods have at the very least fucked off from Earth so hey, good news for all of us."

She returned to put on ofuda. "So it seems."

====

Well after that little adventure it was about time I kicked back and relaxed-

"Chen-y!" BenBen rushed into the room. "Benkei brought a letter for you!"

"Why do you have a- You know what, not gonna ask. Pass that here Benben."

"Benkei can do official things too!" She said while passing the letter. "Now Chen-y can compliment me!"

"Ahem." I placed a fist to my mouth, "BenBen has gained the title 'Messenger Girl'!"

"Yay!"

Now let's see here…

"Greeting to those receiving this letter. We're in great trouble. Please help. Pirates have attacked Hawaii and are laying waste to the land. At this rate we're not going to last long, so please come to our aid. From Kamehameha- OH FUCK!" I shouted, kicking myself into overdrive. "BenBen! Grab everyone and head to the meeting room! Especially Cook!"

"Yes Sir!" She copied Lancelot's usual response before dashing out of the room to do as told.

A few minutes later everyone was in the meeting room, even a few confused servants and a befuddled priest still in the middle of shaving. Lancelot was eating a bunch of bananas.

"Uh- Um." I looked at the extras, "You uh, you guys can go if you want sorry for the inconvenience."

The servants muttered a quick 'thank you' before leaving, the priest giving an odd look to BenBen before doing the same.

"So, uh, what's going on Onii-san?" Himiko asked. "Why the urgent meeting?"

"Well you see." I held up the letter, "The handwriting is a bit on the bad side, though not as bad as mine, but anyways BenBen came up to me and gave me this letter. Long story short, Hawaii is being attacked by pirates and they're sending an SOS."

"Pirates?" Cook blinked. "It must be the fleets of Drake and Teach. But for Hawaii to send an SOS… they must have step up their game."

"Honestly I was thinking it was the Ilumi… Those guys, specifically based on who sent the letter." I looked at it again, "It's not like the Ilumin- They haven't sicked pirates on nations that just unified before. I mean they did it to us."

"I see, but the Central and Eastern Pacific are the areas where those two, three if we also counts Kidd, operate. I believe they have founded a Pirate Nation somewhere on the american continent, but until now I have been unable to locate it."

"They are very fast! Very difficult to hit!" Mazero enthusiastically waved an arm.

"I get it now! Hawaii must have heard of Zipang's many accomplishments, so they decided to request our help!" Himiko jumped to her feet and began to laugh.

"Er no. I'm pretty sure they just chucked a bottle into the sea and BenBen found it or something."

"That's true! There were also bananas!"

Bananas that Lancelot was in the process of finishing. "Mangoes, guavas, passion fruit, pineapple… I'm hungry."

"Thus all is right in the world." Nobu rolled her eyes. "I think I know your answer already brat, but what should we do?"

"Scrap the Australia plans, we're going to Hawaii!" I exclaimed, "Who's with me?"

Everyone was.

====

Notes temporarily closed due to renovations. - Management

 

[Alexander]

Chapter 42: Somewhere Over The Rainbow

====

Following Cook's guidance we left Guam and headed for Hawaii.

We also got into fights with fucking giant fish and sea serpents on the way there but I continue to avoid looking at them to avoid my view of the world from crashing down to smithereens.

Look if I start to let anything fly in this world it's going to drive me insane.

When we arrived near Hawaii Cook directed the fleet to what she said was the capital, though to be honest the village of huts and shacks was called that because it was the biggest one among the myriads of similar places that dotted the once peaceful islands.

Oh trust me, I am having the weirdest feeling right now.

"Look at those ships! See their flag?" Cook pointed at the fleet surrounding the capital, all of them displaying banners with a white skull on a red background, two white swords crossed under it. "Pirates! Only Drake and Teach, the self-proclaimed Pirate King, fly that Jolly Roger!"

"Huh? Only them? What do you know…" I stared at the flag, "Man I'm so used to seeing that flag in black and white rather than white and red."

"The first to use the Jolly Roger was the pirate Black Sam Bellamy." Cook explained. "When later it was also used by Edward England, it became necessary for every pirate to personalize their own flag in order to avoid confusion."

"You uh, you sure know a lot about pirates." I glanced between the woman and the ships, "The 'Teach' wouldn't happen to be your actually teacher would it?"

"What?! No! Edward Teach, known all across the Seven Seas as 'Blackbeard the Pirate' is one of the most famous pirates worldwide!" She protested. "And knowing about pirates is necessary for every self-respecting sea captain!"

"Uh-uh." Nobu loaded a bullet in her musket. "Is he rich?"

"She, and I believe so… even if pirates are famous for having bottomless pockets."

"Good enough. Everything they haven't stolen here is ours by right of conquest." The pinkette grinned. "Gods, how I love that law."

"Everyone who now considers Nobunaga a legally sanctioned pirate say aye."

"Aye!" Said everyone.

"Oh, piss off. Prepare the boarding parties!" She shouted to the crew. "I want to be able to jump between decks without a bridge! So even if you have to ram our ships into theirs, GET CLOSE!"

"Nooo! You-You can't treat a ship like that!" Cook cried, but most people were more scared of Nobu than her.

"It's time to fight?! It's time to fight?!" Mazero asked, a cannon ball already in hand.

"For-! Uh, Hawaii?" I mean I guess I could go with that but, "Fuck it who wants to punch a pirate in the face?!"

"Onigiri!" Lancelot shouted, sword held high.

"Mochi!" BenBen immediately imitated her.

Yoshi sighed. "Let's just go…"

I held my sword up. "POOOIIIIIII!!!!"

I don't even eat poi!

The pirates seemed to be at least partially aware of our arrival, already armed and ready to fight the moment we began the boarding. Their uniforms consisted of tight dark-blue pants, a red jacket and a bandanna. Half of them wore a yellow bandanna, while the other half a blue bandanna… and a cat mask.

"Um," I pointed at the cat mask, resisting the urge to say nyaa with all my might, "What is this?"

"Nyah nyah nyah!" The masked pirates laughed, armed with either sabers or flintlock guns. "Is this the first time you face the crew of Cap'n Teach, greatest pirate in the worldmeow?"

"And it probably won't be the last." I unsheathed my sword, "Though I'm stealing those masks. There's only room for one cat on the sea meowtherfuckers!"

"Myeow?! I sense a fellow cat lover." The pirate in the front raised his sword. "However, our loyalty goes to Cap'n Teach first and foremeow. Horyahmeow!" He yelled before engaging me, his fellow pirates doing the same with the rest of my troops.

They were fast, quicker on their feat than some of the Indian martial artists, but they weren't very skilled. Their style was rough and probably self taught. I could punch them in the face and they wouldn't even have a guard ready.

Speaking of, I stole that guy's mask, sliced the bottom half off, and threw away the bandana before putting it on as quickly as I could.

The mask is mine now fucker.

"Nonono!" Someone shouted a few ships to the left. "So-Someone help me!"

"Shut up and fight!" Another voice yelled before there was the unmistakable sound of a boot hitting the bottom of someone.

It was followed by a figure soaring through the air before landing on the deck where I currently was. Said figure turning out to be a greenish yellow haired girl with a red headband on, some knives, and a blue er… well she had tropical island wear on. I don't know what those things are called? Like a black vest blue pants and, a thing on her chest? Kinda looks like a wrap?

You know what I mean.

"Wow." I blinked, "You look more pirate than anyone else. Like if there was a dictionary your face would be right there next to pirate. In fact, you're just the definition of pirate."

"But I don't want to be a pirate..." She whined.

"Vice-Captain Kidd! That's not one of meoursw!" Another member of the pirate crew warned. "He's with Zipang!"

"Z-Z-Zipang?!" Screaming in fright the girl crawled backward on all four before standing up, knives in hands and body trembling awfully bad. "Nononono! Please leave me aloneeee!"

"Nyah?!" I shouted before pointing at the pirate who called me out, "Vice-Captain Kidd! Meow've got it all wrong! That meowster's the one who's with Zipang! In fact, he broke nyah mask!"

"Wawawawah?!" She immediately jumped away from the other pirate.

"Nyah! He's lying! The meowster is him! He stole the mask and broke it nyahself!" The masked man protested.

"That's nya't true!" I shouted, "That meowster was all 'hahaha! Zipang will win this fight' right before nyah very eyes! He attacked me and sliced off nyah mask! Meowr arrival saved me Vice-Captain Kidd!"

Kidd's gaze was switching between us so fast it turned into a blur. "I don't know what's going on anymoreeeeeee!!"

"Meow! How dare you try to trick Vice-Captain Kidd, meow!" The real pirate swung his sword at me, a downward swing with both hands aimed at my head.

I slid to the left to avoid the blow, "Nyah! Vice-Captin Kidd! His lies are nyalling apart! Save nyah~!"

"I-I-"

"KIDD! ARE YOU FIGHTING?!" The same voice that shouted before was heard again.

"Gyaaaahh!!" The blonde girl let out a panicked yelp before throwing both of her knives: one at me, and the other at the pirate. "Sorrysorrysorrysorry!"

"NYAH!" I yelled, desperately trying to avoid the knives. "Vice-Captain Kidd!"

"NYAH!" The pirate was doing the same, albeit with less success. "Nyah got all wrong!"

"Sorrysorrysorrysorry!" She kept screaming while throwing more knives, the sheaths around her waist magically replenishing themselves every time she drew one.

====

That uh, that went on for a while.

We won though so hey!

"For a supposed fleet of renowned pirates, they weren't so strong." Himiko commented.

"Pirates specialize in hit-and-run tactics, not prolonged battles. They're plunderers after all." Cook said while looking at the liberated city. "Though Drake, Teach and their special troops are the exception. I haven't seen them however today, did they stay behind to load the spoils?"

"Well, I heard one of them yell at Kidd to fight." I paused, "Though I'm pretty sure we all heard that."

"Yes, that was Drake's voice. But I never heard of this Kidd…" She tapped her lips. "And for her to be Vice-Captain, uhm… something's stink."

It was at that moment that a large crowd of people rushed out of the village, surrounding and lifting us in their arms while shouting their thanks for saving them from the pirates.

"Eeeek!" Himiko shouted.

"Not again!" Cook complained.

"Oh shit." I accurately summarized.

"MAHALO NUI LOA!" They chanted. "MAHALO NUI LOA! MAHALO NUI LOA!"

"Yes yes you're grateful I get it now please put me down!"

====

After the locals were finally done showing their gratitude, they informed us that Kamehameha, after being defeated by the pirates the first time, escaped their custody and went into the forest to enlist the help of the animals. Apparently an ancient tradition of Hawaii's rulers.

The more you know.

Oh, and they also asked our help to rescue all the Guava fruits the pirates stole. Because of course they stole the Guava fruits.

"So," I turned towards a certain knight. "We're about to rescue food from the pirates. How do you feel LanLan?"

"To the rescue! All that poor food…" She replied while biting into… a Guava's fruit?

"Um," I pointed at the fruit in her hands, "Wait where did you get that?"

"When I was walking on the beach where we fought the pirates, I smelled something delicious from under the sand. When I dug a little I found all those cases of Guavas. There were some cases filled with gems and gold, but you can't eat those so I just left them there." She went back to eating.

"Oh." I sighed, "Hey guess what you already rescued the Guava fruit. Your foresight knows no bounds."

"I am the one with foresight!" Himiko protested. "Lancelot's just a glutton!"

"You haven't used your foresight since Taika! That was like months ago!"

"Ah! You think I got rusty, aren't you? I shall prove you wrong right here and now!" Himiko closed her eyes, pressed the tips of her index fingers on her forehead and began to make a 'mmm' sound with her mouth. "I see something! I see birds, dogs and… a butt?"

"The hell are you-" Nobu began before the ground started shaking. "Woah, what's going on?"

"An earthquake… No, it doesn't seem like one." Yoshi commented. "The ground is shaking strangely, but I wonder what's causing it?"

"Wha-What's that?" Nobu pointed.

To an absolutely large herd of all animals living on Hawaii, even some that shouldn't be there like dogs, coming out of the forest like the world's most primal army.

I whispered one word.

"Run."

Than we scattered like hell as the horde approached us.

"THE KING IS BACK! THE KING IS BACK!" Far from afraid, the citizens began cheering loudly.

"Ah, AHHHHH ♩ !" A female voice shouted like Tarzan before I felt something soft landing on my head and driving my face into the sand, my usual instincts strangely absent.

"Safe landing ♩ ! Nahahahaha!" A cute, young female voice shouted from above me. "Time for my revenge ♩ ! Now I won't lose to those pirates!"

"Argh." I groaned, lifting my head in the air and then quickly rubbing my hand through my hair only to find, to my horror, grains of sand. "Fuck me that's going to take weeks to wash out."

"Ahh! Don't sit down on Onii-san's head like that!" Himiko protested.

"...Hm? Whoa! I not notice! Sorry." Whoever was sitting on me stood up, allowing me to finally get a good look.

Her skin was tanned. Like my arms and legs are a bit tanned but her entire body was tanned. Probably because her only clothing amounted to a red and yellow cape, and this weird yellow sash thing with hearts all over it. Also she had green hair with… the flowers of oahu on it huh.

Crap I don't remember what it's called.

"So." I blinked, "You're Kamehameha."

"Uhn… Whaaaat!?" Himiko shrieked. "This insolent little girl!?"

"Nahaha! Thank to you, I was saved!" She smiled brightly. "Instead of cushion, I got your soft and fluffy. Where are pirates? I gathered friends in jungle. Now we drive pirates out. Everyone strong!"

"King Kamehameha! Those people come and drive pirates away!" One of the local informed her. "They even rescue Guava fruits!"

"Woha! Really? Who are you?" She bent forward and took a large sniff. "You smell like Hawaii, but don't dress like Hawaii."

"Ah, uh yeah that's to be expected." I looked at my clothes. Haha yeah not Hawaiian. "I'm the emperor of the Nation Zipang on the other side of the ocean. Uh, it's a long story but let's summarize it for now that though my parents aren't Hawaiian, I was born and raised on these islands."

"We received your request of help and came here to help." Yoshi explained.

"You good people!" Kamehameha's smile turned even brighter. "Letter I wrote fast! Not expecting help. But you came. Kamehameha thanks you. You take this."

Before I can even react Kemehameha attempted to hug me and- "Woah woah woah! Back back back! Off off off! AHHHHH!"

"Hugs and kisses! Hugs and kisses!" Somehow Himiko was both pale and blushing at the same time. "She-She's smooching Onii-san!"

"You get excited over every little thing…" Nobu reacted like it wasn't a big deal.

"But...B-B-But!"

"It must be a cultural difference." Yoshi observed. "It looks like Chen is not quite sure of what to do either. Look, he's all tensed up."

"This is way too much love! Way too much love!" I shouted. Ah fuck it, I'll stab my sense of reason one time. "Too much Aloha! Aloha has gone too far! Stooooooop!"

"Eeeh?" Thankfully she stopped. "I not done yet! I give you more thanks! You ready?"

I looked at the girl.

I looked at the island.

Than I looked at the girl again.

Fuck it.

With all my might I threw our bodies into the sand before attempting to roll into the ocean.

"Ahahaha! Let's play!" And of course she laughed in delight. "You truly are Hawaii too!"

====

After we were both dragged out of the ocean, with Kame finally letting go of me, Nobu began to guffaw while pointing at me. "Gahahahaha! you're covered in hickies, you know? Gahahahaha!!!"

...

NO REMORSE.

"Hey Kame," I pointed at the laughing woman, "Auntie Nobu was the most excited to take down the pirates. Why don't you show her some love too?"

"You too? Thank you! Everyone Hau'oli~"

"Gaha-wait what-Aah!" The pinkette managed to scream before receiving another Love Attack.

"We discussed it among us, and we reached an agreement." Yoshi informed me, everyone else behind her. "You try to do that again to one of us, we knock you out cold."

"I am hurt and betrayed you think I would do such a thing." I put a hand to my chest, "Truly, I am wounded. I thought you knew me?"

"It's because we know you that we're saying this now."

I put my hand to my chin, "So you're saying if I didn't waste my one Love Attack on Nobu earlier I could've cashed it in on one of you guys later? Tch, damn."

Yoshi rapped my head with her knuckles.

"GET OFF ME!!" Nobu bodily tossed Kame away, the latter doing a few spins in the air before neatly landing in front of me. "Gaah! We beat the pirates and looted their stuff, let's return home already!"

"What you say?" Kame tilted her head, smile not wavering. "Hawaii your place. Hawaii taken by pirates. You beat pirates! So Hawaii your place now!" She took my hands and shook them wildly.

I paused before turning back to Yoshi, "Guys they may have ignorantly pulled a trap on us."

"If she wants to become our ally, I don't see why we should refuse." Yoshi pointed out with an amused smile.

"I your friend now! So I now care small thing! Hawaii your place! Show of thanks!"

And that was when Kame tried, and somehow managed to, smothering of kisses Me, Yoshi, Nobu, Himiko and basically everyone else.

====

It was after several parties, and more Love Attacks, that Kame decided to take me into the forest in order to show me something.

Just me.

Alone.

This may have been a mistake.

"Here it is!" Kame pushed away another bush and beckoned me forward. "Hawaii's sacred tree!"

There was a clearing, perfectly circular as far as I could tell. Simple, smooth grass with no flowers or other plants went up a gentle slope to reach a single tree in the middle. It was an extremely plain-looking tree, somehow looking both at home and out of place compared to the rest of the forest. Its branches were full of leaves, and hanging from them were mature-looking yellow fruits.

Over one of those branches a snake with reddish scales and two small horns was looking at us, idly flipping his forked tongue.

"Wait." I looked again. Tree, fruit, snake… "Is that fucking Satan?"

"Sa-tan? Never heard of it." Kame replied. "This sacred tree of Hawaii. You give offering to protector." She pointed to the snake. "Protector allows you to take one fruit. You eat fruit, you become more smart!"

"I'm sorry wha-"

My brain put some dots together.

Become more smart = Fruit of Knowledge.

"Uh…" I took a step back, "E-Excuse me for a second."

I turned around and huddled on the ground whispering my every word. "Dude Emiya I think I found Satan what the shit."

"I told you there are no gods." His voice came like the whisper of the wind. "And without them, even the Devil turned into an unemployed. For a good few centuries he's been content to laze around Hawaii and exchange the fruits with fully cooked dishes and liquors. Oh, and the fruits have shown no side effects until now."

"Ah… Aha…." I stood back up and faced the tree, "Ah-Oh-Um-Uh-Ha-Ah-Oh-Uh- O-Okay….. Um, where do I start."

I pointed at the snake, "You! You're Lucifer, Satan, the devil himself. That is the Tree of Knowledge, that's the Fruit of Good and Evil, which implies Hawaii is Eden. Now, this all makes one question come to mind."

I looked the snake in the eyes, "What if I feed you the fruit."

The snake raised an eyebrow.

Then with his tail snatched one fruit, took a large bite and then tossed it away. "Too sour for my tastes." He hissed while chewing loudly.

"Ah! Protector spoke! This great honor!" Kame cheered.

"Oh, you have to eat it whole." Wait what did he just say? "Wait did you just say they were sour? Dude ewwwwwww."

"My reaction exactly." He swallowed. "But hey, it's been a while since I've heard those names. You Christian, boy? How are you guys doing now that the Old Man disappeared?"

"Oh no, I'm not Christian. My parents are but I found the bible and it's views to be a bit too uh, radical." I held up my hands, "Also I'm from another timeline summoned by the good side of humanity for some reason so I can't exactly say much but given that as far as I know he has never actually bothered to do anything ever I'm uh, surprised it's still going as strong as it is back home."

"Uh. The more you know. But yeah, somehow the Old Man had a gift for choosing the craziest ones to talk with. Not that they ever really listened." He rolled his eyes. "'Dude, I don't want your son as sacrifice. Stop that.' and 'Who the fuck kill someone by throwing stones at them? That's messed up!'. My favorite was 'If your wife wants to go around without her head covered just let her be. She even has great hair. No stop! Stop disowning her!'. If you ask me, it was the lack of sex that messed them up."

"Wait," Um remembering the old testament, "Then who was the one who destroyed that city that one time and whoever looked back on it's ruins turned to salt? Or the one who drove that one king so insane he thought he was a cow just because he wanted to count how many people he had? Did they just… kinda happen and people were like 'This must be the work of God!' and he was like 'No no that's not- Don't put it in the bible! For the love of me stop writing that damn book!' or something?"

"Oh yeah, that happened a lot. Now, what city it was… Oh, yes: that one." He looked away. "Well you see, Abraham was really against homosexuality, and the people of that city were really pro it, so he asked the Old Man to smite them. Just to make Abraham shut up He sent one of his angels to preach about the virtues of procreative sex and the like." A small pause. "Nobody thought that, maybe, bringing along the standard equipment of a flaming sword and blinding halo on a preaching mission wasn't a good idea."

I winced, "Ouch, yeah. That, that went hilariously wrong. So whatever happened to the Old- Great now you have me calling him the Old Man. Yeah what happened to him anyways?"

"No idea." He shrugged, as much as a snake can shrug anyway. And for the first time he also looked distressed. "I'm missing a large chunk of my memories, and the first thing I remember after that hole is waking up here with my tree, as if we were always both here. I know there's something wrong, but I don't know what."

"Eh, I didn't expect an answer anyways. I'll just chock it up to Illuminati conspiracy for now." I shrugged, "Oh right, any other gods that existed here that you can think of have also disappeared, there's this group calling themselves the Illuminati that's trying to throw humanity into an endless world war, and their main M.O. is both necromancy and to mind control people by cutting them off from the collective unconscious of humanity or something… I don't know I keep trying to resist the urge to laugh at their name. But hey, maybe what's going on is something stupid like this is my timeline but all of history is trying to repeat itself all at once. That'd be a laugh. Hey you don't remember what the internet is or that book Paradise Lost do you?"

"Wow, I missed a lot. Now I'm glad I decided to stay here." He lifted his head. "Yes, I remember both. Having internet connection would sure make things less boring… Anyway, where's my offering?"

"Holy shit you remember the internet!" I exclaimed before pausing, "Oh right we're still doing that. Uh, I'll go get you your food but I'm not eating that fruit. Sorry man, but knowledge is not worth having to put something sour in your mouth."

"You can do whatever with the fruit, not my problem." He waved his tail. "Don't forget the rum!"

"I understand nothing of what you talked." Kame exclaimed, still smiling.

"Man, I love those people." The snake chuckled.

"Oh right three things before I leave: Yeah every historical figure is a girl (If that means anything) and they all exist at one, the second is that every electronic device beyond whatever Da Vinci is doing with magic has disappeared, and finally…" I smirked, "Think of every prayer you have ever heard in your life… Now replace the words 'Forgive me father, I have sinned' with 'Sorry daddy I've been naughty' because those words mean the exact same thing."

"Boy, you trying to bullshitting me?" He guffawed. "But the last was a good one. For the first two, as I said, something's wrong. With everything. I hope you find a way to fix it. Say boy, what's your name?"

I gave him a salute, "They call me Chen Miyafuji. I don't know if birth names matter but forgive me for not telling it to the Devil. By the way what kind of Rum do you want because I got Abe no Seimei and Nobunaga with me and they love to get drunk so if you want me to pilfer some Japan- Er it's called Zipang now, anyway if you want some asian alcohol…"

"Black like sin, I'm not saying no to some variation…" He smiled, something that a normal snake shouldn't be able to. "And you can call me Lucy."

"Pfft, I'm gonna have to start calling you a girly boy if you let me get away with that."

The smile widened. "If you're so sure about your knowledge of my gender, go ahead."

====

"Hey Sei!" I said, running up to the women who was… Drinking, perfect. "I met the devil. Like, actually Satan. Apparently the tree of knowledge is on this island. Anyways there's a lot of things we need to talk about but most importantly he's a pretty cool dude so give me your alcohol I'm about to offer it to him just to get a Fruit of Good and Evil so I can I don't know, try and see if I can plant it in your backyard or something. Who cares what I do with it, just give me your wine."

"Uh… Alright?" For once genuinely confused the woman picked up a still sealed bottle. "Will this suffice?"

"Oh yeah, that works. Not that I know anything about wine but I suspect he will literally take anything." I took the bottle before thrusting it into the air, "I'm about to sacrifice to Satan whooooo!!!!"

Note to those watching at home: Don't, I repeat don't sacrifice to Satan. He's probably not chilling out in Hawaii.

====

AN: understandably I'm a bit hesitant to post the last part on SB, even with the option of having the Mods review it. What do you think?

 

[Alexander]

Chapter 43: Long Road out of Eden

====

It was after we finally finished annexing Hawaii that my real work began. I mean, going to Hawaii again was… Nice? I guess? It was weird seeing the island without any major skyscrapers but it was still Hawaii.

Hell I even bothered to check. North Shore's waves were still huge, the blowholes still shot out water, and Rabbit Island along with Chinaman's Hat were still there. Now that I think about it, there's probably something on those islands now…

Whatever, I'll visit them later. Right now I had more pressing issues to worry about.

"So I planted the seeds of a tree created by God in your backyard." I informed Sei as she came in through the front door of her own home. A pile of books sat next to me while Tama worked in the background. "Hope you don't mind."

"Ah, so you were serious about planting something in my backyard." She covered her amused smile with one hand. "And here I thought it was a subtle invitation… I admit I'm feeling a little sad."

"Invitation to what?" I asked before shaking my head, "Anyways, the original fruit is sitting in the bag on your table. It's cut up a bit but I think it should work? I've been keeping a close eye on it the entire time in case Lancelot ate it while I wasn't looking. Check it out for yourself."

She giggled a little. "Ah, to be young and naive." Looking like she was privy to a hidden joke Sei walked up to the table and opened the bag, taking out the fruit. "Uhmm…" She sniffed it a little. "A good scent. Exotic and rich. I wonder what kind of wine should I eat it with?"

"I suggest something sweet." Satan's head pop up from behind the shop's counter. "Or meat and cheese to accompany it. Adding sugar doesn't work, tried already."

"AH!!!" I yelped, standing up before dropping the book I was holding, "Christ when my mom told me the devil is always ready to whisper in your ear I thought she was kidding!"

"Not always ready: just when it's necessary." He slithered on the counter and curled up. "It was my job, yes, but it's not like I could be everywhere at once. Also, I too have the right of a break between work hours, you know?"

"Ara! A talking snake." Sei seemed only mildly surprised. "Not an Uwabami or a Nure-onna… Akamata?"

Aka-what.

"Neither. Sorry lady, I'm not native to Japan. Name's Lucy, nice to meet you: thanks to the boy over there-" The tip of his tail pointed at me, I waved. "We'll be roommates for the foreseeable future. Hope you don't mind."

"Full name is Lucifer, and maybe He- Hail? Heiel? I don't know how to say it-"

"Helel."

"Thank you!" I snapped, "Anyways, goes by many names and titles. Satan, The Prince of Lies, The Morning Star, I didn't really look into it that much. The long story short of it was that in Christian mythology he was an angel in the service of God, the most beautiful one I hear, then he got kicked out for being too prideful before tricking humanity into screwing themselves over forever. Or at least that's how the story goes."

"All propaganda, I assure you." He raised his head, looking affronted. "Humanity never needed my help to screw themselves over. Adam was perfectly happy to french kiss the giraffe even without my input. And with Eve being what she was, I'm surprised they even managed to procreate at all."

"Apparently making a woman out of a man's rib cage doesn't automatically make the result beautiful." I rolled my eyes, "Who would've thought? Okay uh moving on and finishing introductions, that's Abe-no-Seimei, if the name rings any bells for you. There's also uh…."

I turned towards my information agent as the words died in my mouth, "...Tama what's your name again?"

"...Inou Tadataka." Her hand, which was in the middle of writing, slowed down to a crawl. "Surely it's not too difficult to remember…"

"Sorry, I'm not from Zipang. Any name in whatever language we're speaking that has more than three syllables is automatically a mouthful and hard to remember." I turned to my sword, "Unless of course I'm forced to remember it. Isn't that right, Kusanagi no Tsurugi?"

The blade vibrated into a pleasant hum and I sighed, "Oh right, Lucy. Forgot to tell you, this isn't Japan, it's called Zipang now. No I don't know why the name change either I'm trying to figure it out right now."

"Good luck." He slithered to the table, revealing a very long body, and knocked open a book. "So, what's you're reading? Philosophy?"

"History, and honestly it's not going that well." I closed the book, "I've only had enough time to find a history book for Zipang. Written records go back to about 1300~ BC and it's mostly just a pattern of 'Dude with no successor dies, country has a bad time'. Good news, I found out what year it is. Bad news, you won't believe it."

"Try me." Lucy replied while turning to a new page.

"1935. AD."

"1935." He looked up and squinted his eyes. "What do I remember of that year… Yes, the Harlem riot. Bad stuff that one, the cause wasn't even true. And my old pal Hachikō died… truly a bad year."

"Hachiko? Hachiko- Hachiko the dog?" I furrowed my eyebrows. "He died in 1935? Wow. Wonder if he's still around right now. Anyways it's the year 1935 and well… King Arthur's in charge of Britain, rifles have only been invented recently, Caesar and Nero are around at the same time, and Genghis Khan is only old enough to be a grandma. Long story short yeah this is a really odd version of 1935."

He turned to look at you, one eyebrow raised. "Are we in a badly written fanfic?"

"I mentioned the Illuminati right."

"Onii-san! Urgent ne-KYAAA!!" Himiko barged into the shop, only to jump back out in fright the moment she saw Lucy.

"Hi Himiko, meet the Devil." I waved, "Don't worry, I'm sure Sei is just as confused as you are."

"Not only her, but I learned this is quite normal when you're around, Commander." Tama spoke up.

"S-Stay back!" Without stepping back inside Himiko waved her stick to Lucy, who looked merely amused. "O-Onii-san! There have been attacks on both Port Moresby and Bali! The culprit is Australia!"

"Motherfucker." I let out before curling my eyebrows, "Wait, where is that?"

"Australia or the other two places she mentioned?" Lucy asked back.

"The other two places. I'm not that bad at geography."

"Commander, Port Moresby and Bali are two of the cities we conquered during our occupation of the South Seas. The final two, in fact." Tama informed me. "Regarding Australia, on the other hand, I believe Cook and Magellan know the most about it. We should ask them."

Oh.

Was that what they were called? I can vaguely remember it…

"Do Drop Bears exist?" I wondered out loud before shaking my head, "Shelve that topic for later let's go go go!"

====

"Australia? It's a quarantine zone for all the most brutal criminals of the EU." Cook replied to our inquiry. "Or rather, it was before we received the order to block all ports and prevent all movements to and from it."

"Prison island, basically." I shrugged, "Also every animal is trying to kill you there so…"

"That's the unofficial reason, yes." She grimaced. "I don't know who had the idea that a sufficiently large number of violent criminals would be enough to keep the fauna in check, but here we are."

"Okay so," I held up a finger, "We just got attacked by Australia. Why? Hell if I know, but we know they did, and I'm assuming the criminals- Well, more attackers aren't under orders of an underground kingdom of mole people so we should probably find that out."

"What is he talking about?" Cook whispered to Yoshi.

"Chen." The ponytailed girl simply replied.

"I can hear you."

====

So after a bit of a rush job to get to the invaded places we found… Well we found something alright. Samurais, Gladiators, Musketeers, oh my!

I'm not even kidding. Apparently "Australia" had samurai.

Why? How? No idea. Then again…

"Oooh, ah… W-What happened...?"

"Wha, what's going on…? Why I am fighting…?"

"I punched you in the face that's what." I sighed before pointing in a different direction, "Congrats you invaded an island, head that way to gain your free sandwich. Quality not guaranteed."

They both looked at me confused before cautiously heading in the direction I pointed in. Another sigh escaped my lips as I rubbed a hand over my face.

Yeah, this. They were out of it, almost as out of it as Illuminati Grunts. As far as we could tell though, this wasn't their doing at all. Unless of course, they switched out their pendants for snake bites that is.

"Lucy, thoughts?"

"I'm still wondering how you persuaded me to come along, but that aside-" He peered closer at the guy's neck, scaring him. "Those are not snake bites. And this smell of blood… ah yes, yes. There are no doubts: vampires."

...Goddammit that adds up. But, still.

"Vampires?" I turned to the snake, "You're fucking with me right?"

"I am most definitely not. Vampires exist, though they are not a creation of the Old Man: he was not very fond of them, saying that drinking blood is frightening unhygienic. Controlling people's minds is one of their powers."

"Do they sparkle as well?" Wait crap, "Sorry not sorry had to say it."

"Worse: they are melodramatic." He shook his head before coiling around a column to rest. "Well, judging by how easy you can snap those mooks out of it you are dealing with either a group of weak vampires or a single, powerful one."

I sighed, "This is officially the most bizarre my life has gotten, and I made enemies with the Illuminati of all things."

"Eh, it's still not as bizarre as the stuff Paul had to go through." The snake grinned. "Did you know that the Greeks invented the Gay Pride? Except they called it Thursday."

Well duh.

"This is the Greeks we're talking about here. That's basically the land of super aggressive homosexuality." I paused, "And Zeus fucking anything that moves."

"Though the Germans come close. ...Well, they did: now I am not sure." Lucy looked thoughtful. "But as much as I enjoy being back to a commentary role, you probably need to continue what you were doing: Australia invaded once, they can do so again."

"Right right…" My words drifted off.

Oh crap, I don't know what to do.

Uh, time to run over to someone more competent and hope they have a plan!

====

"Let's invade Australia!" Nobu proposed the moment the council was fully gathered.

"Supported!" Himiko raised a hand. "For world conquest!"

"Motion… adjourned? Is that how you use that word?" Wish I had a dictionary on me right now… "Anyway good idea I think we were already planning to do that for like, the past few weeks."

"While we were going to Hawaii, yes. By the way, we received a few… complains about Ashoka and Kamehameha." Yoshi sighed. "All of them from women and regarding their choice of clothes, or lack thereof. What should we do about that?"

Oh we're talking about this now.

"I already yelled enough about Ashoka's dress choice when I met her, I'm not wasting anymore words." I sighed tiredly, "As for Kamehameha… She's actually wearing more clothes than I expected."

"I mean, they're not breaking any official rule. It's just…" Yoshi mused. "Let's just bring them to Australia with us for now. Hopefully by the time we return everyone will have forgot the issue."

"You're talking as if it will be easy. Bad attitude, bad attitude." Sun waved her stick. "An enemy divided is an enemy vulnerable. But an enemy without a chain of command is a nightmare. This will be on the test."

Himiko blinked. "Meaning?"

"Meaning, we will have to defeat everyone who want to fight instead of having a general surrender once we bring down the enemy leader. And this is without counting the infamously local fauna." Despite her words she was smiling. "We shall be tempered in the fires of hell. Who's ready for a truly miserable military campaign?"

"Australia," I opened my hands wide. "Truly, European Taika."

====

The first Australian city we reached was called Darwin. And it looked like a bombed old European city not that I knew what an European city actually looked like, from about the early 20th. I couldn't really tell much about the the city itself aside that it looked like it went through an industrial revolution with all the factories and stuff. Honestly, that puts it at like the most technologically advanced city I've seen since I got here, while everyone else is working off what's basically sticks and stones.

It was also completely desert. Like, a fucking ghost town. There was no sign that humans had been living here for a while now, or if they had they were the equivalent of scavengers. What once remained of the city of Darwin was now just rubble and ruin.

"I… Think I can kind of figure out what happened here." I examined the city closer, "Only problem is I can't tell if this was the Illuminati's fault or the, god-fucking-dammit, the vampires fault."

"It's hard to tell if anyone ever lived there." Himiko commented. "It would be convenient if we could occupy this place without any difficulty, of course… Let's try something."

She took a deep breath before shouting. "The Zipang Army has arrived! If anybody is there, please come out! We're exceptionally strong and very reliable! If you intend to surrender, now is the time!"

Silence.

"I-It'll be difficult if you don't come out! We can be really scary when we're mad! It's useless to resist!" Himiko continued. "Throw down your weapons and come out!"

Still silence.

"Himiko I don't think anyone's here." I paused, "Wait for it…"

"Oooyah. What's all this noise?" A female voice called out. "Can't a woman take a nap in peace now?"

There was a brief moment where we all stood silently as the new voice came out onto the scene. She wore a small yellow kimono with weird symbols on it tied with a huge red ribbon. In her hair sat a quite ridiculous ornament with flowers and both red and gold pins sticking out. In her hands she twirled a smoking pipe thing but most pressingly…

"Psst. Himiko, tell me I'm not seeing this wrong." I leaned over to the girl, "Is she wearing a full body stocking?"

"I-It's called a mesh body suit. I think." She replied a bit shakily. "Who are you? If you're here and not being controlled, it must means you're behind all of this!"

"Mh? I'm just a whimsical sophisticate who goes by the motto of duty and humanity." The woman smiled. "I don't know what you're talking about, but I have nothing to do with controlling people."

"Wait…" Yoshi's eyes suddenly widen in recognition. "What a surprise. Aren't you Ishikawa Goemon?"

"Eh?! That's her?!"

"A thief, a ninja and a woman of the people. I had heard she was boiled in a cauldron though…"

"Well, just a little. Slipping out of tight spots is my specialty, you know?" Goemon replied with pride.

"So, what are you doing all the way here?" I asked, "Actually yeah how did you get here did you just set sail for Australia or something?"

"You see, after my escape Zipang was too difficult to stay in, so I headed out for a new place by boarding the first boat I could find. Somehow I ended up here: lovely place, if a bit rough around the edges."

"Right, right…" I nodded, "So, do you know what happened to this city?"

"Mh? It was already like this when I came here, so I-"

A shrill, machine-like sound split the air, so intense my ears hurt.

"Huhh-aah!" Himiko cried out in pain, hands over her ears.

Everyone else was experiencing a similar feeling, but Goemon looked as if she was downright sick. "U-Uwaah…!" She swayed on her feet, eyes losing focus, before suddenly straightening up. "Hehehe…" With an empty, mechanical chuckle she unsheathed her sword. "Today my steel-cutting sword thirsts for blood. There's nothing that can't be cut by this blade… Allow me to prove it to you…"

As if it was a signal soldiers began to march out of the ruined buildings, as if appearing from the shadows. There were Samurai, sailors with sabers, knights in full armor and even ninja.

"Guys," I slowly unsheathed Kusanagi, "I think she got brainwashed."

"Nooo? What was your first clue?" Nobu's voice was so full of snark I could almost feel it beating against my head.

"The eyes. They call me Captain Obvious for a reason you know." I shot back, "Anyways, how much trouble do you think we're in?"

The response came in the form of Goemon putting back her sword into the sheath-and then my body went into overdrive as I blocked a strike aimed straight at my throat, the pipe-smoking woman suddenly in front of me.

"A-Ah… Okay then!" I exclaimed. Holy shit that was close! "This is happening now!"

"E-Everyone! Fight!" Himiko shouted before retreating to safety.

"Now, let's see you cough up some blood..." She started to swing her sword faster and faster, every time putting it back into its sheath before taking it out again. It was like fighting Sasaki, but faster.

It sucked. Majorly.

"Sorry but…" I grunted out as a I struggled to block her strikes, "I like my blood in my body!"

"Ah, AHHHH ♩ !" The rather musical cry heralded the arrival of Kamehameha, her harpoon-like spear slicing through the air from above. Goemon jumped to the side and retaliated immediately, but the green-haired girl proved just as fast and parried the blow. "Nahahaha ♩ ! Chen fights, I fight too! Let's fight together!"

"Oh good, back up!" I let out a breath of relief, "On the count of three pummel her until she's down! On- Three!"

With a loud yell I pushed myself forward to backup Kame's fighting, though Goemon was ridiculously fast and ended up just dodging most of my strikes.

"One, two, three… It makes no difference. I'll cut you all down…" Goemon muttered darkly as our weapons clashed against each other again and again, the clanking of metal so loud and so rapid it all blended together. At one point she flipped the pipe held in her right hand, shuriken appearing around it before she flung them at us.

"FUCKING HOW?!" With a loud cry I quickly dodged the shurikens, "Well if you're gonna be like that… BURN BURN BURN! FIRE IN THE HOUSE HERE WE GO BABY!"

My sword exploded with fire as I used my Brave to push myself faster.

"Cheh!" Something like fear flicked briefly within Goemon's eyes before she jumped back.

Kame pressed the sudden advantage, thrusting her spear at a rapid pace. "No fast enough? Then I be faster!" Her own Brave flowed out of her body in a brilliant green, turning her fast enough to match Goemon.

"COMBO PLATTER!" I felt the energy moving within my blood as I pushed myself faster, my mouth unfortunately saying random bullshit. "ONE ISLAND SPECIAL COMING RIGHT UP!"

Did I know what I was doing with the Brave? No!

And that's fucking terrifying holy shit I'm moving Fasssssst!

AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! THIS IS THE WORST TIME TO BE EXPERIMENTING WITH BRAVE DAMMIT ME!

Hopefully I'm swinging my sword fast enough that Goemon doesn't realize my internal panic attack!

"Kaa… ZANTE-Guh!" Goemon began to glow red before multiple rings of black, vaguely Indian-like symbols appeared around her body, slowing her down just enough for both mine and Kame's attacks to connect. Somehow there was an explosion and Goemon was flung back, bouncing several times before landing in the groove of a dead tree.

"IT'S A KNOCK-OUT PEOPLE!" Lucy commented loudly from another dead tree, while close by Ashoka had her palms pressed together and glowing with Brave. "IN MORE WAYS THAN ONE!"

"The hell's the second one?" I shouted back as I sheathed Kusanagi for now. With a sigh I walked towards the women who just a minute ago had been raving about blood.

"Ugh…" Goemon moaned. "What on earth… was I doing…?"

"This one." Lucy pointed with the tip of his tail. "Knocking some sense into her. Get it? Eh? Eh?"

...Yeah…

"There is a special place in Hell for people like you." I turned back to Goemon, "Hi, welcome back to reality. Apparently you got brainwashed but I punched you so it's all good now."

"...Ah, thank you. It was like I was stuck in a bad dream…" She shifted and winced. "I'm beat."

"So you uh," I wiggled my hands, "You have any idea what that was all about?"

"Uhm… Probably the same reason that got me here. Truth be told I was heading for the new continent, the one they call America, but then I heard this terrible sound… When I woke up I was here. When I hear that sound, how should I put it, I'm not myself anymore."

"Sounds like a brainwashing trigger to me yep yep." My arm extended as I held out my hand, "Come on, we can figure out what the hell happened to you at our base."

"Thank you." I helped her back on her feet, the fighting having dwindle down all around us as more and more people came back to their senses. "Mh, you're strong." Goemon smiled. "I'm sure you'll grown up into a good man."

"Thanks for the compliment but I highly doubt I'm as strong as you think I am." I smiled brightly, "Especially since I'm waiting for any moment where the pain of pushing my body as fast as I did during our fight kicks in. I am operating on so much adrenaline right now hooboy."

"Understandable." Her smile widened. "So I guess this is a good time to mention the only reason I'm standing up is because I'm holding on you?"

"Hahaha ah…" The smile on my face relaxed, "Oh shit."

In the next instant the pain kicked in and we flopped to the ground like a sack of potatoes.

"Doctoooor!" Lucy called out with a lazy tone.

===

"Zipang has been unified?" Goemon repeated in wonder after the two of us were healed and the situation was explained to her. "It's gotten more interesting while I've been away, eh?"

"We were able to accomplish it thanks to Onii-san." Himiko declared proudly. "Even if we had to make him King of Zipang in name only…"

"Well I mean, I didn't want the job. You should really make the qualifications more than 'Pull out a sword with more ego then metal'." I commented off handily, throwing a few punches with my now healed up hand. "Man the healers always astound me. Remind me never to experiment with Brave in the middle of combat again."

Ugh that was the worst, I was less human and more a walking block of pain. Wait no, I wasn't even walking. My muscles felt like they were exploding with every move for fucks sake.

"Ah ah!" Goemon laughed. "If the country is unified I don't care if it's on a whim or not. I was fed up with all the internal dissent. It seems my home has become a much easier place to live. Allow me to thank you. The flowers of Zipang might soon blossom once more."

"Yeah well the conflicts all external now, and really confusing as well. I'm still trying to wrap my head around it." Hm, maybe if I… I threw a couple more jabs into the air just to get my heart rate going. Gotta get that Brave up… "Can't really say that it's much better then before but I'm pretty sure if you're a civilian you can just stay at home and not worry about being killed in a civil war. You just have to watch out for the other nations."

"We're aiming for World Conquest!" Himiko added. "Once the world is ours there'll be no war!"

"That's the craziest idea I have ever heard. Then again, you guys look even madder." The kimono-clad woman grinned. "I'm indebted with you. Is there anything you need of me?"

"Check your neck to see if you have any bite marks." I commented. Alright the Brave is flowing through me I just need to… "Here I… GO!"

With all my might I threw a power shot into the air, the Brave rushing through my body like a river to the end of my fist and the energy blasted out of my arm in a boom that echoed through the surrounding area.

I swear everything was dead quite for the following five seconds before my arm started to pulse a bit sore. With a grunt I began to shake my arm, "Yeah, coursing Brave directly through my body… Definitely needs a lot more practice…"

"You'll have to forgive the boy, apparently where he comes from it's considered polite to train while holding a conversation." Lucy said to Goemon while checking her neck. "No bite marks. Judging by the sound we heard before you went all bloodthirsty it's a different kind of mind-control. How needlessly confusing."

"Watch where you're looking." She playfully slapped at the snake's body. "You've got guts."

"Lady, I was there when your race first walked the earth. You lot didn't invent the concept of clothes until much later, and let me tell you." He snorted. "It was not a noteworthy sight."

"...Was that an insult?" Himiko wondered.

"He's saying he's seen better naked things." I nodded sagely, "Truly, a deviant for the ages."

"Ah ah ah!" Goemon laughed again. "You guys sure look like a lot of fun. ...Uhm, why not…?" She seemed to ponder something. "I'll have to decline to serve officially, but do you think you could use a famous thief as an ally? I still have to thank you."

"Sure, as long as the other guy is annoyed to all hell and back, go for it." I shrugged, "Don't see why not."

"However, I'm a wanted woman in Zipang." She reminded me.

I stared at her blankly, "Okay what'd you do…"

"Oh, you know the usual stuff: stealing from the rich to give it to the poor, leaving taunting messages, flirting with married men… and once I got a fine for smoking in a smoke-free area."

Uh…

I turned to Himiko, "Are the second and third ones actually crimes?"

"Well… Not necessarily, no." She answered.

"However, when the victim is a noble even a simple insult can turn into a cause of persecution." Yoshi stared at Goemon. "Really, yo-"

"Aah! Where'd you come from?!" I exclaimed, jumping up. "Christ do you people take lessons on how to sneak up on me?!"

"You were simply too distracted to notice me." She finished with a shake of her head. "Really, both of you are so ridiculous, it's almost fitting. Considering the entity of your crimes I suppose a pardon might be possible…" She put her hands on her hips. "If, you give up your thieving ways."

"No, wait, better idea." I held up a hand, "Sneak into our enemies base's a steal something just minor enough to not be too important but still enough to bug them for the rest of the day. It'll drive them insane and it'll be hilarious."

"Heard the King of Zipang?" Goemon smirked at Yoshi. "Let's get along."

"So ridiculous…" Yoshi shook her head. "Anyway, that's not why I came here. Chen, I need your decision about something important."

"Yes."

"It's not a right/wrong question."

"Do it."

Very delicately she pressed a palm over her face and slowly pull it down. "I'll just say it. According to the soldiers we freed from the mind-control there are three paths that from Darwin go to the rest of Australia: to the south-west is the path to the city of Perth, to the south-east is the path to the city of Brisbane, and going through the center of the continent is the path to a place called Alice Springs. All of them are under enemy control right now, so how should we proceed?"

"Wait wait, hold on." I furrowed my eyebrows, "That last one doesn't sound like a city."

"It is, but there is also a lot of desert around it so not many people move to and from it. As a result both the city and the region are considered the same thing."

"I see I see…" Hm, how should I… I bent my knees into the dirt before drawing a circle, splitting it into three, drawing a P, B, and A into one of each segment before grabbing a stick and throwing it into the circle. "Hm… Brisbane huh…"

Brisbane… Brisbane…

"We're going to Alice Springs." I declared, rubbing the circle out with my foot.

"Cutting straight through it instead of taking the long road, uh?" Yoshi mused. "Risky, but rewarding if successful. We'll need to prepare the necessary equipment to handle the desert and the heat…"

"Pssh! Boy." Lucy whispered to me. "Any special reason for that?"

"Because the stick landed on Brisbane and I want to go to Alice Springs. Gut feeling, you know?" I replied. "Is there any special reason?"

"Just asking."

====

Nothing much happened during our conquest of Alice Springs, apart from BenBen and Lu trying to break the Ayers Rock with their punches and meeting the local fauna.

Which included whales swimming in the desert. Apparently.

"What." I stared at Lancelot who was telling me about her encounter with desert whales. "Whaaaaaat."

"It's true. It was the color of the sand, but the belly was all white." She insisted. "I never seen one before. I wonder how it tastes…"

"Heat stroke?" Nobu, who was listening, asked aloud.

"Heat stroke." Cook, who was also listening, nodded. "There are no whales in the desert."

"Counterpoint." I raised a finger, "This is Australia."

"As if. You know what, let's ask a local."

So we searched for one, until we came across a stereotypical-looking Aborigen sitting on a rock and sharpening his spear. "Excuse me." Cook began. "Can you tell us if there are whales that live in the desert?"

The native stared at us with a face that looked like it was carved from granite, his hands never stopping sharpening the spear. Then, after five or six seconds of silence he slowly looked around before leaning forward and whispering. "We don't acknowledge the Mugga Mugga often. They are… temperamental."

"Oh." I turned to Lancelot. "Oh."

"Oh?" She repeated with a smile, quite clearly missing the point.

"...I refuse to accept this is happening." Cook muttered.

"It is. It's happening." I grinned at the poor woman, "It's happening right now. They exist."

"No. It isn't." Nobu declared. "We don't even know what a Mugga Mugga is."

The native kept sharpening his spear.

====

After Alice Springs, our next stop was the city of Melbourne. Unlike before the enemy army was waiting for us outside the settlement.

European knights, saber-wielding and musket-wielding sailors, samurai, ninja, Mongolian archers and Chinese spearmen.

"So like, I'm wondering." With a wave of my hand I gestured to the enemy soldiers, "You think they were also victims of whatever took Goemon?"

"Either that or, as you said, this 'vampire's bite'." Nobu replied, the concept of vampires novel to people from Zipang. "I'm more wondering how on earth they are able to live, since we found all reserves of food and water completely untouched. They can't just not be eating and drinking anything."

"I've got it!" Himiko punched her palm. "Those people are already dead, and are really ghosts unaware of their own situation!"

I opened my mouth before drawing a blank. Silently, I turned to Satan and stared.

"Don't ask me." The snake moved higher on the conveniently placed wall.

Suddenly the same shrill mechanical sound we heard before fighting Goemon reached our ears. "Tch...! Ow… It's hurting my ears!" Himiko complained.

"God has ordered it of me! Search and destroy!" Someone said in a loud tone, the last phrase spoken in English. "My Lord, I've spotted the target! Now, I will annihilate them!"

Aw shit- "Satan!"

He was nowhere in sight, a sign with 'ON BREAK' written on it in his place. With a gulp I turned to see who shouted that and- Yep, called it. She was a blonde crusader Templar with blue eyes and that traditional red cross symbol thingy. She was literally just a stylish crusader ready to DEUS VULT my ass.

Also she had angel wings.

"Oh…" My eyes went wide, "Fuck."

"Don't pop out so suddenly like that!" Himiko protested. "You scared me!"

"You are my enemies. Those who go against the will of God will not be forgiven. My Lord, give unto me the strength to defeat those enemies!"

A fax-like sound came from her, and she seemed to listen intently to something. "Hmmm… I see. So that is the key to victory… I shall fighting with your guidance, Lord…"

She took out her sword with her left hand, a staff with a long red banner appearing in the right one. "I, the Maiden of Orleans, Joan of Arc, will accomplish my mission! Prepare to be wiped out! That is the order which I have been given!"

"Wait Waiiiiit!" I held my hands up in a T-shape, "I'm pretty sure killing goes against the rules God laid down."

"God wills my actions! And I shall fight for God!" She promptly replied. "Now, let's get on with my victory! Those who defy God shall receive no mercy!"

""NO MERCY!"" The army behind her roared, looking completely fired-up.

"Ugh, goddammit." I unsheathed Kusanagi, "If you're gonna fight in the name of God at least read the goddamn Bible. Don't just listen to some dial up wannabe."

"I shall punish you in the name of God!" The blonde declared before charging at me, a troops of knights, spearmen and ninja following after her. She swung the staff at me, aiming the heavy metal ball on one end at my head, and followed with a sword thrust immediately after that.

"Woah!" I ducked under the- HOLY SHIT THAT BALL IS SPIKEY!

AH! AH IT'S CLOSE- OH GOD SWORD!

Internally panicking as I dodged her weapons, I quickly swung the Kusanagi at her open body.

The blow connected with a clanking sound… and completely failed to hurt her, save for a light cut in her clothes. The other enemy soldiers pounced on the chance and attacked me. Lancelot and Kame intercepted the knights and the spearmen, but the ninja managed to pass through.

"OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT!" I screamed, backing away from Joan and quickly slipping behind the ninja and kicked him towards the angel lady. "FUCK FUCK FUCK GUYS!"

"I'm doing my best!" Lancelot was deflecting blow after blow. "My best may not be enough!"

"AhAAAAAHHH!!" Kame was almost dancing through the wall of spear, using her own weapon as a pole to break out some truly mad moves.

Then ninja unleashed a barrage of shurikens.

"Why?! Why is it always shurikens?!" I yelled, slashing all of them away. "GAH! KUSANAGI NO TSURUGI!"

"REVOLUTION!" Joan followed immediately with a yell of her own, raising her sword high in the air. Golden light erupted from the ground before I suddenly felt like God himself just punched me in the gut. The flame burning inside my heart (And boy was that something I'd never thought I'd say) was immediately dimmed as the giant man of fire who was just forming dispersed like the fucking mist.

"Right okay. Ack, that didn't work." I groaned, struggling to stay on my feet. With a glance I looked at the Kusanagi. "I don't suppose you have any ideas?"

The sword vibrated once before, out of nowhere, a gust of wind hit my face. "What."

Two more vibrations, followed by two more gusts of wind, this time colder.

I stared at the sword, "You can do that?"

Another gust, this time warmer.

"Well why didn't you say so- Oh right sword." I gazed at the crusader of DOOM before gulping. "Well, here goes nothing."

With a loud cry I began to slash towards her with all my might, feeling the electric tingle of the brave I had left flowing to my arms so I can slash as fast as possible. The winds began to pick up more and more before what started as a light breeze turned into that of a tempest.

Lancelot, Kame and my own soldiers were behind me, but anyone else found themselves first incapable of advancing through the strong wind, and then lift up in the air like in those videos about tornadoes.

With the sole exception of Joan, who merely found herself severely slowed down. "Mmh… Mmh… I was not informed of this." She hummed while fighting through the wind to take a step forward, her expression unchanging. "Is this another trial from God? Oh Lord, please give guidance to your humble servant!"

"Noooooope!!!!" I began swing as fast as I could, feeling like I was pushing my body to the absolute limit. "Nope! Nope! Noooooope!"

The tempest turned into a mini hurricane, enemy soldiers flung in the distance like ragdolls and debris of every type being uprooted before joining them. All it did to Joan was stopping the girl in her tracks, one foot raised in the middle of advancing and body trembling under the strain. "God… Is my… guide…"

A gunshot slammed into her chest, tilting her back, followed by a cannonball exploding right in her face. Joan landed on her back, the wind slowly pushing her away even as she struggled to get up. "Holy shit what does it take to put her down?!" Nobu screamed in the distance.

"Probably a whale!" I shouted, "Or- The fruit!"

"Sacred fruit, yes?" Kame asked, holding Lancelot above her head. "You still have it?"

"I mean I planted it in a backyard but I don't know if those grew ye-" I turned around to yell out behind me, "SEI! DO YOU HAVE IT ON YOU RIGHT NOW?! THE FRUIT!"

"Oh? yes, but… Muuh! Give me a few minutes!" She shouted back.

Joan has managed to roll over on her stomach, and now she was trying to move her body around to face us again.

"HURRY!" MY ARMS BURN, "I DON'T KNOW HOW LONG I CAN KEEP THIS UP!"

"I may have an idea." Lancelot raised a hand. "Why not put something heavy on her?"

"Like what?" Arms… Gotta… Keep… Flapping… "Nobu?"

"Silence, I'm thinking!" She shouted before talking again after a few seconds. "Got it! Everyone, pick up as much as you can in your arms and jump on top of blonde there! We'll bury her in bodies."

"That's dark…" I heard Himiko mutter.

"Christ, fuck no." I shivered, "Someone just, like, sit on her. Hey do you think Lu is up for it?"

In the end it took ten people, including BenBen, Lu and a transformed Goku holding down Joan's limbs to stop her. The girl kept struggling even as Sei arrived with the fruit, cut up to remove the seeds but still fresh, and handed it to me.

Carefully, I walked up to Joan. "You ever read the book of Genesis?"

"I have the whole Bible memorized." She replied in a monotone. "Would you like to hear about our Lord and Saviour?"

"Oh I've heard the gospel." I held up the fruit, "I was just worried I'd have to explain what the first sin is."

And with that I began the most epic struggle to force a fruit into a girl's mouth.

"Come on eat it!"

"What are-Gobuh!" She mumbled incoherently and trashed as I forced her to chew and swallow. "S-S-Sour!" Her eyes widened, the arms of the crosses within them extending to touch the edge of the iris. "My connection to God… What have I... ungh…" She blinked a few times, her features softening. "The dark curse, it has been lifted…"

"Wow, that actually worked." I blinked, "Hey Satan I think you can come out now."

"Is she finally out of it?" The red snake slithered out from behind a rock. "Hello Joan, I really didn't expect to see you again."

"Petit Rouge? It's been a while." She greeted back. "Do you have more tests from God for me?"

"Do not call me that! And I never gave you a test! How many times I need to repeat it?!" He slapped his tail on the ground. "Of all the thick-headed idiots I had to follow, you're the worst!"

"Wait- Dude." I held up a hand, "She remembers you. Haven't you spent the last few centuries on Hawaii?"

"Yeah, and that's the strangest thing. Beside her being alive, that is: I guess this time around the French are not insane enough to search for an active volcano in order to get rid of her." He rolled his eyes.

"Ah, to be banished from my birth country, so painful…" Joan paused. "If possible, could you let me off?"

"Off the banishment thing or off the people sitting on you?"

"The second."

"Right okay she's good everybody get off." I called. The sounds of grumbling and moving bodies filled the battlefield until no one was sitting on her any more, allowing her to stand up.

"I give my deepest thanks to the herald who has come from Heaven. You've flown down to save me from one who has been manipulating me." She offered me a short bow and a smile. "When I was set adrift unto this land, God had decreed it. I would be saved by a magnificent King whom I should serve for life." Many snickers erupted around at the 'magnificent' part. "I had been floating on the surface of a dark curse… But a strong hand has pulled me up just as I was about to sink further. It was yours. The one whom I would serve has finally appeared before me."

If by strong hand you mean shoving a piece of fruit down your throat…

"Ah right, yeah. They call me the Servant of Heaven sometimes. Pretty sure I'm not actually from there though." I paused before turning to the snake, "Satan am I from Heaven?"

"Nope. I'm almost sure you have the requisites to enter, but nope."

Another fax-like sound was heard, Joan listening in silence for a short while. "God has decreed! I have been given the honor of revealing his will! Listen to the Holy Verb!" She cleared her throat before starting to speak in a monotone. "Damn it woman, stop calling me God! Do you even hear anything I tell you? Whatever. Chen, here's the medium I promised. Enjoy."

I blinked, "Oh… God why didn't I figure this out beforehand."

"Ah, what joy I feel at being bestowed with such a holy task…" Joan sighed contently before kneeling in front of me. "From henceforth, I shall serve the King of Zipang. Please allow me to serve at your side."

"Okay." I nodded, "Wait now that we found her all we need to do is kick a vampire- Stop. Hold on, if the Counterforce was communicating to you like we saw in the fight then... who distorted the message?"

"My thanks. With this I have obeyed God's guidance. I shall serve my King with my life as he should so please. Unfortunately, I do not know who casted the dark curse on me: I only know that, every time I heard that unholy sound, I stopped being myself…"

Another fax-like sound. "Ah, a new oracle has… Hmmm, so that was it. God has decreed! The culprit is the dreaded Lord Impaler itself! Vlad Tepes of Wallachia!" She stood up and grabbed my arm. "And Joan of Arc is hungry!"

"I did not miss this…" Lucy bemoaned.

 

[Alexander]

Chapter 44: Monster Mash

====

It's Dracula.

Because of course it's Dracula.

I mean, is there any other famous vampire?

Fricken Edward?

Okay that's enough Twilight jokes.

"Is everyone here?" Yoshi looked around, receiving various nods in return. "Good. Now, regarding this… supposed oracle-"

"God does not lie." Joan said, having never left my side for even a moment. "To claim the contrary is to commit heresy!"

I raised my hand, "I can vouch that I have talked to who she's speaking of."

Quietly I looked around before leaning into Yoshi's ear and whispering, "He's not God but she won't believe that so just play along."

"...I will take you up on that." She whispered back before addressing the crowd again. "So, is there anyone among you who knows something about this Vlad Tepes person?"

"Have you heard of Dracula?" I asked, "I dunno if Gothic Horror happened yet."

"No, I haven't. I know what Horror as a genre is, but not Gothic Horror."

"I know about Wallachia." Cook raised a hand. "It's a region of the EU, a minor one. And… that's it, sorry."

"Okay so like, from my foggy memories." I began, holding up a finger. "Vlad Tepes, the inspiration for the gothic horror character Dracula, was a uh, guy. In Vaulchia? That how you pronounce it? Anyways he uh, was known as "Vlad the Impaler" because he was known for impaling people. A lot. Though it seems like we're dealing with a "Vlad but it's Dracula" kinda situation since they're a vampire."

"Don't be ridiculous. Vampires and ghosts don't exist." The bespectacled girl countered. "They're just stories used to scare little kids."

I looked at Cook, "Yeah well I thought sea monsters didn't exist. But they do. I thought parallel universes didn't exist. But here I am. I thought Satan didn't exist, but there he is. Right there. Say hi Satan."

"Hi." The red snake replied. "Though I'm pretty sure that, by now, everyone consider me an amusing oddity. Nothing against it, really, but I'm afraid it's not helping your case. If you want, however, I can tell you about the Tepes line."

"Sally you're a fucking talking snake you're helping my case. Probably." I sighed, "But go ahead. Infodump us."

"Alright. Due to the currently fucked-up history I'll not bore you with dates and details. Wallachia as a country began with a guy named Bezerenbam, who had to defend his country by an invasion. A century or two later his descendant, Basarab, became the first official ruler of an independent country. The thing is, Wallachia is an elective monarchy: for those of you who don't know, it means the ruler is chosen among a pool of candidates. Slightly more effective than a hereditary one, but still full of complots and backstabbing. From Basarab descended two main lineages: the Dănești and the Drăculești. After a Dănești ruler was chosen nine times in a row the Drăculești were very vexed, so they sought… an advantage."

"Those… well you said something alright." I nodded, "So yadayadayada proto-Drac line murdered Dan or something, took over, things happened, the Tepes family came about and the Vlad was born. Eventually. Did I get that right?"

"As far as it concerns us? Yes." He nodded. "The point is that Vlad III Tepes, the one we're dealing with, is a Trueborn Vampire. Not as powerful as one who got turned into a Vampire, but still very strong. Sunlight isn't lethal to Trueborns, though they find it very irritating. Garlic disgusts them, and crosses offend their artistic sensibilities. As you already saw they can hypnotize people and make them their thralls, turn into bats and a few others abilities designed to make them properly edgy."

"Holy water?"

"They don't like water. Period. All that perfume? It's not just to be snobbish."

"Right check that off the list of vampire weaknesses." I nodded, "I believe all that's left for the common facts are 'Can't see self in mirror', 'Can't enter other peoples territories without permission', and Counting."

"Vampires are vain: when they look into a mirror they see only themselves. And the last two are due to a mixture of OCD and pride: they could enter other people's territories without permission, but it would look bad on them, and they're order freaks." Lucy scoffed. "And they wonder why they're so unpopular…"

"Okay then." I nodded, "Right, order of priority is locating Vlad's castle, because let's face it it's probably going to be a castle. My best bet is that it's on the other side of Australia."

"According to the information I gathered there are three cities left in Australia." Tama opened a rough map of the continent on the table. "Perth to the West, Sydney and Brisbane to the east."

"Perth is alone but on the other side of Australia, while Sydney and Brisbane are close by." Yoshi hummed. "I'm worried about stretching our forces too thin. So far all messages from Darwin said everything's fine, but we shouldn't become complacent."

"Well you know, we could make a decision, based on out best intellectual guess." Mmm, "But, you know, I just realized something. We have Diviners. We can always go ask Sei… and maybe Himiko. Just maybe."

"YES!" Said girl stood up, a large grin on her lips. "I'll show everyone that I am the only future-seeing girl this army needs! Leave it to me!"

====

Three hours later, Himiko was still kneeling in front of a hastily put together and consecrated Japanese shrine, frantically waving a gohei left and right while beseeching various deities for help.

"That's the one hundred and second deity." Lucy draw another line on the wall. "Seven millions, nine hundred ninety-nine thousand, eight hundred ninety-eight to go."

"Honestly I kind of want to try myself." I shrugged, "But I only know one guy who might answer and Joan hasn't reported back to me anything so… Eh, still want to try though."

"The guy who's using the connection the Old Man used to communicate with Joan, yes?" The snake asked.

"That'd be the one yes."

"Ah, I remember when it looked like a good idea…" He snorted. "A simple, honest girl instead of an old fanatic. Except for the fact that, once she decides on something, there is no way to persuade her otherwise."

"I mean he chose a christian, no offense to those guys bit 'Headstrong' is an understatement." I had intense discussions one too many times with pastors to not know that! "Heeeeey. Himiko. Pass the gohei, I want to try now."

"No! I'm so close, I can feel it!" She increased her tempo, spouting more Japanese prayers and even a few Buddhist-sounding ones.

"Can't we just roll a dice?" Lucy wondered. "I never bet on my luck, but at this point-"

"Yes! I can see it!" Himiko jumped to her feet and pointed the gohei north-east. "A rabbit and a bear are waiting for us in that direction." She blinked. "Wait, what?"

"Um, who the hell answered her? So Aboriginal god?" I shook my head and sighed, "Welp, fuck it, who wants to pet a bunny?"

"That way there's Sydney, so why not? At this point…"

====

After a few days of marching through the relatively green Australian coast we reached Sydney. It looked like all the other bombed-out cities we passed so far, except for that theater that appears in almost all pictures about the city. You know, the one with the big white things that look like someone saw a shark and thought it would be a good idea to turn it's fins into a building.

You know the one I'm talking about don't lie.

"Dracula's in there." I pointed at the building, "Or at least someone is. But it's probably Dracula."

"What makes you say that?" Nobu asked. "Wouldn't it make more sense to face us on open ground instead?"

"Well for one, that's a theater and Satan already said vampires are melodramatic." My eyes rolled, "Secondly, that's the only intact building around. Come on, something is in there. Now just in case, did anyone else prepare vampire countermeasures?"

I grabbed a brown bag on my wrist before shaking it. "Cause I know I did."

"The holy equipment has been consecrated and sanctified!" Joan lifted a cross as tall as her, her banner fixed on the top, in one hand, and in the other… a seltzer bottle.

"I have the garlic." Himiko was holding a bowl full of said plant.

"Good enough." I nodded, "Alrighty then, let's go meet a vampire. And also someone tell Cook that we did just so I can prove her wrong specifically."

====

So we walked into the theater and-

"Oh god no."

Stage with a spotlight on it? Check.

Knights in black armor? Check.

Are they also kneeling down? Double check.

"I'm sorry, I must've gotten the wrong place." I nodded, "When the hell did I walk onto the set of Castlevania."

"I am a denizen of the twilight…" A voice began. Ow. ow. ow. It's too cringy. "I am the Impaler, a name that carries out its own judgment… Punishment for sinners-"

Yeah that's it.

"GET ON WITH IT!"

"Impudent fool." Shadows gathered on the stage, forming a shape. "Who are you, to dare interrupt me?"

"Someone with a much better sense of dramatics, clearly." I shot back to the shadows, "I mean really, 'Denizen of the twilight'? 'Punishment for sinners'? Those lines have been used to death. And I know what you're gonna call me next, something along the lines of 'Miserable cur' or 'Brute'. Please, tell me which one it's going to be. The suspense is killing me."

"I shall call you insolent wench." The shape stepped forward, the darkness pulling back to revealing the person under it. "I am the Impaler of Wallachia, Vlad Tepes. Ruler of this land of Australia, the one you have been looking for…"

Her skin was pale, as if she hadn't stepped in the sun for years while her hair was as freshly laid snow. I'd go into more of these metaphors but I'm not going to waste them on her. She looked pretty small honestly, and might be taking this whole impaler thing too much since she was holding a stuffed bear that was well.. impaled with several spikes. Other then that there was nothing else noteworthy other then the fact that her pupils were literally bats and… Oh. Oh boy.

"Ha! That pendant!" I pointed towards the girl, "Tell me, are you so borish as to be one of those who proclaim themselves to be the masters in the dark or are you naught but a puppet dancing to their strings?"

...I coughed.

Damn this girl was getting me in a mood.

"What a nonsensical question…" She was completely unfazed. "I've appeared before you in order to carry out your judgment… Now, it's time to be punished! I will impale the lot of you! Come, my executioner: the time has come to do your duty!"

"Who are you calling your executioner, you fake child-hag?!" Someone shouted from the back of the stage. With the sound of chains and something very heavy being dragged another person joined Vlad on the stage.

She was… Um… She was a blonde girl with a black hat that split off into rabbit ears while wearing… swimsuitish blue and white striped clothes. The girl also had a giant pink bunny and an equally giant- I think it's a canon? And she was chained down with an iron ball as well.

That is.

Well that is an outfit.

"Ah!" Himiko pointed. "The bear and the rabbit!"

"I see your tongue is as foul as ever." Vlad remarked to the blonde. "Mayhap I should impale it?"

"The truth is foul now? I wonder what say about you then." The blonde shot back before sitting down on the iron ball and lifting the cannon on her shoulder. "Whatever, I was dying of boredom anyway. Kicking those guys' butts sounds like good entertainment."

"Wait!" Himiko raised a hand. "Who are you?!"

"Me? I'm Galileo. Galileo Galilei."

...Never heard of her.

The blonde pointed the cannon at Himiko, ripping out a massive bullet from the rabbit's neck and stuffing it inside the barrel. "And, let me guess, you're dead meat!" She shouted before firing.

OH SHIT- "LU!"

"On it!" The redhead swung one of her spears, cutting the bullet in half and sending the two halves exploding away from us.

That was when the black knights stood up, pointed their spears at us and began marching.

"Alright." I unsheathed Kusanagi, "Anyone who can destroy a cannon ball go after the Galileo chick, other then that the rest of you take out the black knights. Oh, and I'm going to need Goemon to help me go after Dracula."

"Mh? Is it already time for me to fight? Oh well." The thief took another deep breath from her pipe before emptying it into the ground and putting it inside her cleavage. "Lead the way, I guess."

"No no, you have a better job to do." I glanced around before gesturing to the women to come over so that I could lean in and whisper instructions. "See that pendant around her neck? I'm gonna distract her and then make an opening, when I do that I need you to steal it from her. Do not wear it."

"Just that? Alright then, that's more up my alley." She grinned before jumping away, doing a few aerial stunts before disappearing into the shadows.

Fricken phantom thief.

"Hey Joan!" I called out as my commanders began to do battle, "You wanna help?!"

There was a fax-like sound. "Uhm… I see, I see. I understand." She looked back at me. "God hath spoken! Joan of Arc shall help you!"

"You needed a god's help to figure that out?!" Himiko asked with an incredulous tone.

"Whatever don't question it!" I shouted, pointing my sword at the vampire. "VLAD!"

"There is nowhere to run." With one hand she ripped out one spike from the teddy bear, which lengthened to roughly one meter and half. "Learn the true meaning of fear… I will impale you and leave your corpse to rot!"

She exploded into bats, which fly screeching through the air and over the black knights, before reforming above me, spike poised to skewer me.

"WOAH SHIT!" I shouted as I threw my body away from where the spike was poised. There was a loud crash as she came crashing down into the floor.

She flipped into a standing position and stabbed at me again. That was when I noticed the tip of her spike was coated in a dripping red liquid.

"Is that blood or did you just dip that in tomato sauce." I yelped, twisting my body to avoid her thrusts.

"Wouldn't you like to know…?" She smirked before switching to sweeping motions.

"God! Watch over me!" Joan swung her cross, which Vlad parried while eyeing it with distaste. Then she yelped when the blonde sprayed her with water directly in the face.

"Abominable wench!" Vlad screeched before pushing Joan away with a kick.

I dashed in, Kusanagi lighting up on fire as I slashed at the white haired vampire. The red liquid surged around the spike, forming a barrier between the fire and Vlad. "Your spirit is strong." The vampire commented while the liquid barrier hissed and bubbled. "I'll make sure to drink every last drop of your blood before making you disappear!"

More spikes emerged from the bear, all aiming to stab me.

"Oh fuck me that's not fair." I quickly looked around before jumping into a roll and holding Joan up in front of me. "You have defensive measures right?!"

"God is my shield!" Another fax-like sound. "God hath spoken! Joan must say those exact words: 'Use my body as a shield, I can survive it'. Ah, such bliss!"

I blinked at the girl.

Okay I didn't know I was dealing with a masochist.

Anyways, I quickly pressed up as close to the girl before looking at Vlad, surrounded by walls of blood and spikes that began to press towards us.

This wasn't good. This was far from good. I won't be able to effectively use 'that' unless I weaken her a little but I can't even get a goddamn hit in!

Come on… Think… There's gotta be something… Garlic? No that'd distract her but it won't weaken her. I'd need something like…. like a seal! Who do I know who can do sealing?

That's right, Sei! She sealed away the golden fleece!

And she was currently… Engaging the black knights in the back. I couldn't even shout towards her, I could barely hear anything in that direction beyond the sound of explosion and mad laughter.

I quickly began waving like a madman while the spikes drew closer, hoping to get her attention.

"Now, disappear! EU SUNT DRACUL!" The tide of blood and spikes began to close around us.

AH! AH THIS IS BAD! THERE'S SO MUCH BLOOD! IT SMELLS! THOSE SPIKES ARE SHARP! AH! AHHHHH!

"FLARE BLAST!"

And then a cannonball wreathed in flames soared above our heads and blew through the vampire's attack before engulfing the white-haired girl into an explosion.

"And it's! HOME! RUN!" I heard Mazero cheering.

"Oh my god Mazero I am so happy to see you right now you have no idea." I sighed in relief before looking back at Sei. "Alright let's try this to get her attention."

I held Kusanagi at the black knight she was fighting before pushing my Brave through. "KUSANAGI FIRE!"

The hot stream blasted through the stage as the foxy women swiftly moved out of the way. In a wave of heat the fire hit the knight, sending him toppling backwards.

"Sei!" I yelled as she looked my way. "I need a seal! Send a Shikigami!"

"A Seal? With so little preparations…" She fumbled with the Shikigami before sending one my way. "Hope this is enough!"

"Thanks!" I caught the paper servant before pulling out a tag. I winced as another explosion boomed from that direction. I don't even know if this will work but if it worked on the Greeks then it should work on some half-wit European from a no-name country!

"Who dared?" The vampire marched out of the explosion, sneering in fury as her body visibly healed under my eyes. "Who dared using a sneak attack on me, the great Impaler!?"

"We did! And we have no regrets!" I shouted, "Himiko! Unleash the Garlic!"

"Take this!" Himiko began to throw garlic at Vlad. "And this! And also this!"

"Ack! Blah! Blugh!" The vampire sputtered and gagged, stepping away in a hurry. "What ignominy is this?! Guh! Away! Away with you!"

Alright! Now all I need to do is apply the seal!

Shit, those spikes are probably automatic considering they still activated last time I tried to slash her so I can't just run in…

Idea.

"Hey, Mazero!" With a charge I sheath my sword and ran to the redhead before jumping towards her. "I need you to throw me above her!"

"I'll give you my best shot! Let's go, Francisco!" She caught me with one hand, spun around on the tip of one foot and then threw me back. Together as one we yelled before I went flying in the air. "FRIENDSHIP CANNON!!!"

"CHEE-HOO!" I shouted, spinning to face the white vampire before tossing the tag at her as fast as I could.

"What is the -Blah!- meaning of this?!" Vlad's eyes widened in confusion as it landed on her forehead. She kept gagging from the stench of garlic.

"Well you see!" My feet landed on the ground, "Okay haha! Nailed that landing! Anyways, this may be a bit cheap but we gotta work every advantage we can get! Speaking of!"

I circled in front of Vlad, "I've got one last trick up my sleeve! Hope you enjoy it!"

My heart raced as I grabbed the pouch on my waist, through it up in the air before catching it and dumping out the contents. Instantly, what sounded like rain pouring reached my ears as tens of metal balls spilled out onto the stage. They rolled and poured until the ground in front of us was filled with the spheres.

Vlad's eyes went even wider.

"You know truth be told I didn't check how many I put in the bag." I smirked, knowing full well what I was doing. "You mind counting them for me?"

"Wha-What? Why should I, a proud denizen of the twilight-" She went to her knees and began picking up sphere. "One, two, three- Wait, that's not the time for this! Four, five, six- but, but the disorder! By the darkness, this is unbearable! Seven, eight-"

"And~" I looked at the darkness before snapping my fingers. "Now!"

"Don't mind if I do~!" An hand emerged from the shadows - and snatched away Vlad's pendant.

"Wha…!" The vampire dropped both the spheres she picked up and the teddy bear. "Hnngh...!? Un, uhn, uwah… UWAHHHH!!!"

Waves of darkness spread out from her, dissipating into the air. "...Hngh, to think I'd allow such foolishness to take me over…" She panted, picking up her teddy bear and hugging it with both arms.

"Okay! Whatever you do do not look down!" I held my hands up before looking at Goemon, "Hey go check out the Rabbit over there to see if she has a pendant to steal as well."

"Kay~" She replied without even revealing herself.

"Alright~" I sighed in relief, the adrenaline slowly beginning to die down. "You're not going to fight us anymore are you?"

"I am the Impaler, Vlad Tepes… I am a denizen of the twilight… A proud vampire... And in the end, I have become just a puppet." She snorted in anger before suddenly standing up. "I will not disgrace myself further. Consider this your… recompense… for services rendered."

Ooooh fancy words.

Soon the explosions began to die down and the black knights all collapsed on the floor with a loud clang.

Huh, I guess Galileo was just Vlad mind controlled instead of Illuminati mind control.

...Mind Controller being controlled by a mind controller…

Heh.

"Hey guys!" I shouted at the rest of the commanders, "Pack it up! Fight's over!"

I felt a slap on my back. "Your piece of paper. Take it back."

My body jolted up before beginning to slow down.

Aw shit.

 

[Alexander]

Chapter 45: Sweet Summer Days

====

"You mind-controlled me!"

"And I was mind-controlled myself." The vampire replied coolly with just a hint of anger. "Therefore, I bear no responsibility for what happened."

Heh, bear.

"No? How about I bear my foot up your ass?" The blonde seethed. "Let's see how responsible you'll be after that!"

"I don't think that's how words work." I idly commented as I watched the two bicker in the meeting room we had set up for this interview.

"This is a pointless waste of valuable time. Mine own valuable time." Vlad turned to me and Yoshi. "I am in need of sustenance. Bring me a sinner."

"Eh, later. I just need you guys to answer a few questions first." My eyes glanced down at a clip board with two documents on it, "Right so… Please state your Name, Country of Origin, and the last thing you remember before being mind whammied."

"Hey! Don't ignore me!"

"Very well. I am the Impaler, Vlad Tepes." The vampire kept ignoring Galileo. "I am a denizen of the twilight, proud member of the vampire lineage. Mine existence began in Wallachia, the country of which I am the rightful ruler. I remember a merchant coming to this continent to offer his wares, of ordinary face but foul smell: when he offered me the pendant you freed me from I sensed the presence of suspicious magic on it and so tried to force the truth out of the mongrel, but then I was ambushed from behind. When I woke up again I was a puppet in mine own body…" She closed her eyes. "How disgraceful..."

"Served you right!" The blonde snorted. "Galileo Galilei. Italy. The last thing I remember is me shouting for someone to help me take off those chains. Then the midget here showed up, and everything after that is a black hole. Satisfied?"

"Mhm…" I scribbled some words down, "So just to confirm, neither of you had ever been to Australia before or know anything about it's history, correct?"

"Who do you take me for? I am a natural born ruler." Vlad replied. "I was exiled here, but as the only one fit to be king I took control of Australia. This is a barren but proud land, where only the strong survive. Why are you interested?"

"I'm trying to track down what exactly happened to the country." I replied, "There's a lot going on right now but long story short the ruins in the area suggest the country was the only one, from what I've seen of the world so far, to be at the tech level it should be timeline wise. The fact that the whole place is in ruins raises a lot of red flags, especially when there's an actual conspiracy around."

"You think there is something different about Australia?" Yoshi asked me.

"I know there's something different about it." A sigh escaped my lips, "I recognize what a city in 1935 is supposed to look like, especially if it's European. I don't know if the rest of Europe looks like right now but the fact that Australia is a bombed out factory city from that time period while England came here with a group of knights and a ship that looks like it was built in the 1600s makes me wonder if something happened."

"Something different, or something lacking?" Galileo suddenly spoke, arms crossed and face frowning in concentration. "Admittedly I didn't have the time to see much of it before they chained me inside a hole in the ground, but I saw how the natives live in small villages while those that were exiled here live only in the cities. So who built those cities, and who destroyed them before the EU found Australia and started using it as a penal colony?"

"Thank you for that~" My hand scribbled that down as fast as I could, "Honestly I have no idea what the hell is going on but… History might be repeating itself? It's, look trying to uncover a global conspiracy and what they've done is hard. I had an idea, and then Joan showed up and threw that theory out the window."

"Why?"

I slammed the clipboard into the table and threw my hands up into the air, "Because she fucking remembers Satan when they guy hasn't left Hawaii since something happened that threw the world out of whack! Which was centuries ago! Why?! How?! I don't know!!"

"Uhm…" The blonde scratched her chin. "I have a theory: if we assume history is indeed repeating itself, then the events people remember of their past may not mean much. If Joan remembers this Satan guy, maybe it's because he has played such an important role in her life that the memory etched itself deeply into her. Enough to endure time being reset?"

"If I'm being quite honest, Joan is one of the people least changed by time shenanigans so much so that her outer appearance seemed to have remained untouched." I glanced at Yoshi, "Probably because the original Joan was already a women."

Hey, don't glare at me like that-

Wait.

Wait a minute.

"Hold on, back up a second." I held up a hand, "Galileo you're from Italy right? And have you read the bible?"

"Uh?" She tilted her head. "Yeah to both?"

"Then how do you not know who Satan is?" I stared at her in the eyes, "You just said it yourself, 'This Satan guy'."

"Should I?" She scratched her head, looking honestly confused.

"Yes!" I shouted, "Satan! Lucifer! The devil himself! The one who tricked Adam and Eve to eat the fruit of knowledge and be kicked out of Eden! The prideful angel who was exiled to hell! He's in the book of fucking Genesis! He's a constant presence throughout the entire thing! Did history retcon him out of the bible?!"

"Alright hold on brat, hold on!" Galileo raised a hand. "I admit I'm not the most knowledgeable about the bible, but something I know. In the Genesis the snake that tricked Adam and Eve is left unnamed and Lucifer, 'Light-Bringer', is how the prophet Isaiah call the King of Babylon. The motif of a heavenly being striving for the highest seat of heaven only to be cast down to the underworld is older than Christianity and has its origins in the motions of the planet Venus, which is also known as the 'morning star'. That's why the Devil is also called Lucifer, since he also fits the motif of the Fallen Angel."

...Okay now that's making me question years of my life.

With a deep breath I held a hand up before clapping them. "Oi, Petit Rouge, I know you're listening. Clear this up for me please."

"Discussing dogma? That's what I do best!" With a shit-eating grin the red snake slithered out from behind the table and coiled atop it.

Galileo blinked. "A talking snake?"

"How curious. This creatures stinks of sins, but not its own." Vlad peered closer.

"I'm very handsome, I know." The shit-eating grin widened. "Alright ladies and gentlemen, let me educate you all. I am the Ha-Satan, the Heavenly Accuser: I was created to judge sins and, in the Old Man's words, 'provided an always-needed second point of view'. At my core I am one who judges, though most of the time I was content to let the Old Man handle the punishment. The association between Satan, Lucifer and the Devil is the result of Zoroastrian influence, bad translations and natural syncretism."

I gestured to the snake, "Well you heard it from the guy himself."

"Muahahaha! Good to know!" Galileo laughed. "I'll be sure to tell this to that bastard priest before blowing him up!"

====

"Order! Order!" Himiko banged a stick with a wooden sphere on top on the table. It took a few minutes, but finally everyone calmed down and silence reigned again.

Apart from the sound of Lancelot chewing of course, but we've learned to tune it out.

"Good." Himiko put away the stick and crossed her arms, nodding and humming in approval. "To the old members, welcome back! To the prospective new members, I bid you welcome to the secret, incredibly exclusive club where the most important decisions of Zipang Soon-To-Be-Worldwide Empire are taken! The-"

"Hi, yes, uh question?" I raised my hand, "Since when were you in charge?"

"Since everything you decide to do is either play or eat!" She pointed a finger at me. "Onii-san, there is a limit to how much carefree one can be! You have all those important heroes gathered here, yet you don't anything to expand your influence? Unforgivable!"

"Hey I do more then just fool around!" I pointed at a board in the back corner, "Just look at the conspiracy-"

I glanced at my used-to-be semi-neat board that was now utterly trashed with a drawing of Joan in the center and a big red marker with the word "HOW" written angrily on it.

Silently I turned back to Himiko, "...We also read books in here."

"Can I go then?" Cook raised a hand, a pleading expression on her face. "I don't even want to be there!"

"What are you saying, Cook!" Mazero scolded her. "We are all bound by the tight grasp of FRIENDSHIP!" Flames light up in her eyes. "Can't you feel the fire of our bonds warm your chest?"

"The only tight grasp I feel is the one your hand has around my arm!" Cook pointed at said arm with her free hand, tears in her eyes.

"Okay so ignoring Cook's suffering-"

"Hey!"

"I suddenly find myself morbidly curious." I held a hand to my chin while looking at Himiko, "Please, tell me your plan. Go on."

"It is very simple, yet also utterly foolproof!" She quickly nodded, still wearing a smug expression. "We are the youngest heroes. Therefore, when it comes the time for the older heroes to retire, all power will fall into our hands! No one can stop time, so no one can stop us! Ah ah ah ah!!"

"Ah yes," I nodded, "The only flaw there is that nobody is willing to put you in charge."

With a sigh I got out of the chair and walked behind an outraged Himiko. "Alright I shall be taking control of the meeting henceforth! So give it up to our new members Mazero, Kamehameha, Joan, and… Maybe Cook. Say hi you guys."

"FULL THROTTLE!" Mazero enthusiastically spun her arm above her head. Incidentally, it was the same arm holding on Cook.

"AAAAAHHH!!" Cook screamed.

"Hau'oli!" Kame smiled.

"It is my duty to stand by my King's side. Wherever he goes, I shall also follow." Joan declared.

Everyone else just said "Hi!".

"Ahem," I pulled out a whiteboard, "SO! Since Himiko wants us to do something… I dunno what we should do! Usually we just hang out here but there are all kinds of things we could do. Like, say, scamming the other Heroes out of their money. Or maybe the "ULTIMATE HERO CREATION PROGRAM" but only Benkei and I like that kind of manga so… Oh right! I guess there's just chatting about what you've been up to! For example!"

I reached down over to a drawer before pulling out a certain hat I acquired recently. "This is one of Sun's hats! It's very comfy."

I placed it on my head.

"Oh. How did you, uh, get it?" Shi tilted her head cutely. "Usually Sun is very jealous of her hats. She even personally clean them."

"Snatched it from her while she wasn't looking." I adjusted it, "Duh."

The room went silent. Hesitantly I looked around.

Geh, the tension was killing me.

Yoshi shook her head. "You reap what you sow."

"Where is food and drinks?" Kame innocently asked.

"What she said: I'm starving…" A predatory look was starting to manifest on Lancelot's face.

"Hm…" I glanced back down into the drawer.

Let's see. One of Himiko's Magatama, Yoshi's pen… Ah, here we go.

"Catch." I exclaimed as I tossed a potato at the hungry-hungry knight.

She caught it with her teeth, biting it in half. The surviving piece fell into her hands while she chewed the one in her mouth. "Thanks for the food~"

Kame, evidently mistaking it for a game, was also pointing her open mouth in my direction. The others watched with some sort of sick fascination.

I looked at the drawer, back to her, and then at the drawer.

"...I'm out of potatoes." I whispered in horror.

A fax-like sound was heard. "Uhmm… I see, I see. I understand." Joan nodded. "God has decreed! Listen to the Holy Verb!" She cleared her throat before starting to speak in a monotone. "Leave the room, turn around to the left two times and you will meet a servant carrying a tray full of food. You owe me one."

I bolted out of the meeting room immediately. My feet clacking on the wooden floors as I sprinted down the hallways as fast as I could.

Oh god oh god oh god-

"You!" I yelled as I saw the poor servant dressed in a blue kimono. "Hand me the food! Now!"

"M-Miyafuji-dono?!" He stuttered out jumping in frigh-

"DON'T DROP THE FOOD!!!" I dashed towards the tray and caught it as it began to fall out of his hands. Let's see… Some rice, some other things I don't recognize and- Woah is that Taikan? "Hey hey hey! Are you delivering this to someone?!"

"T-To the guards standing by the main gates, my lord." He hesitantly replied.

"Go grab another tray from the cooks. Uh…" Do I still have it on me- Yes Yoshi's pen! I quickly scribbled a signature onto a napkin and gave it to him. "Use this if they ask any questions! Lancelot and Kamehameha are hungry!"

And as his face paled I ran back to the meeting room with the tray in my hand. My heart pounding, I grabbed open the door and slammed the food onto the table. "LUNCH TIME!"

Lancelot and Kame descended upon it like a pack of hungry wolves, the others wisely backing away.

Aside from BenBen and Mazero, who joined the melee shortly thereafter.

Cook grabbed the chance and bolted out of the room.

With a stumble to my steps I exhaustively stepped back towards the door and closed it before sitting down on the ground. I looked at Yoshi before forcing words to come out through my pants. "How about… We… Don't do anything…"

"How about we just exchange stories and chat away the time." She replied with a saintly smile. "It'll be good to let some time pass before resuming our World Conquest."

"Sounds like a plan."

Ahhhhhhh. Reminds me never to let those two get hungry again.

====

After the fiasco earlier today I just kinda wanted to take a nap. Normally I'd go to Sei's place to do this but she was out on some business or what not, probably just drinking alcohol, so I had to deal with sleeping in my room.

Which is needlessly extravagant because Himiko veto'd my orders to make it homely and the construction guys were like "Yeah sounds legit".

I mean I can't blame them but come on. At least I managed to create a pathway that didn't require me to go through hordes of servants.

Just silently got to go in and take an afternoon na-

I opened the door. My eyes taking in the horrifying sight before me.

"Welcome back Sir Miyafuji~" Arthur's voice was so sweet it was possible to get diabetes just by listening to it. What's worse, she was sitting seiza right in front of my bed. "I was told this is your room, it is very nice."

...I closed the door.

"Sir Miyafuji?"

"How did you get here?" I replied, holding the door closed.

"By sea." She replied, confused. "Why are you keeping the door closed? Oh, I'm sorry, you probably want to change into something more comfortable before meeting with me, right? While I don't mind Sir Miyafuji's current attire I'll be more than happy to wait for you to change. Just tell me which clothes you want: while waiting I took the liberty of memorizing all of your possessions and their placements."

My eyes widened. Holy…

"Please forget that." I squeaked out, "It's creepy. Also they'll be in a different placement by next week I guarantee-"

Wait. Wait wait wait.

All of my possessions?

Oh nononono..

I quickly slammed the door open and rushed into my room before opening a drawer and pulling out a piece of parchment.

Ah, ahahahaha….

"Did you read it?" I stared at the queen of Britannia.

"Why, of course not! That would have been improper." She clapped her hands together and rested one cheek on their side. "But I counted the papers, to make sure none of them would be accidentally lost." She smiled again. "But I do confess I am curious: would you read it to me during my stay here in Zipang?"

"Wa- No! No no no!" I hastily held it back, "It's terrible, first draft, half finished. That sorta thing. I could tell you about it but… That's kinda…"

"Please don't be so hard on yourself. I am sure that anything written by you is a lovely read." She folded her fingers together and put them under her chin, looking as if she was praying. "If you so desire, I'll be more than happy to help you finish it. After all, we have a whole month to spend together~"

"We have a- what?" I sighed before holding the parchment to my forehead and flopping down onto my bed. "Okay forget that, whatever. I can give you a summary of the idea but you might find it a bit… embarrassing."

She nodded, smile wide and eyes sparkling. Literally sparkling.

Ah, since the secret's out anyways…

"Mmh, I guess the first thing you need to know was that this was the result of a… challenge?" I flipped through the parchment as memories came back, "I'm a writer, by hobby you see. Honestly I'd much rather be writing and creating than ruling or conquesting but you know how it is. So one day I got challenged to create one of the most absurd stories ever."

I bopped the blonde girl on the head with the papers and smirked, "A love story between you and Lancelot."

====

Alright how do I explain this without sounding like a lunatic? Mmm, I guess it's better to just say this is based on the most cliche plot thread that exists in my time. Er have I explained that I'm from another timeline? Okay look that's a completely different topic but- Ack I'm rambling sorry. You know how it is…

Should I have bothered to explain what's an otome game? Er, Otome plot I guess. I'm not sure, since those are primarily marketed to a female audience and- Geh, there I go again.

You know what I'm just going to start explaining this.

I guess it's easier to say that this story takes place in Britannia. Though, it's a little different from the one you and I know.

This Britannia is the only land that it's inhabitants have ever known. If you were to take a boat and sail on the ocean, you'd end up just sailing back to the island. For thousands of years, the island has been unchanging.

Nobles live and die as Nobles, and most Peasants will die as Peasants.

Ah, notice that I said most there. Don't worry, that'll make sense in a bit.

As you've probably guessed, this story features a version of our beloved Lancelot. Just your ordinary commoner with an overly large appetite for food. Unfortunately, only the nobles have access to the tastiest of foods. For most of her life she's been stuck eating potatoes and other quite bland foods.

The poor girl hasn't even once eaten a meal by a chef. Quite sad don't you think?

But there is a ray of hope for her. You see, when they come of age, all members of nobility must go to a certain Royal Academy. In fact, it's not a stretch to say that you aren't a member of the aristocracy if you don't graduate from this school.

Yes, all members who graduate are nobles.

That's the trick you see? For anyone can become a knight and attend this school, even a simple girl from the countryside like Lancelot.

So she works until she manages to gain enough skill with a sword and recognition to become a peasant knight. And off she goes to the Academy in hopes of good food.

Unfortunately nobles are still nobles no matter where you go. Except maybe Rome but that's not the point.

With poor ignorant Lancelot thrust into the world of high class society all of a sudden, she has no clue what to do and ends up making an enemy out of a certain powerful noble.

It all started on the lass's first day of school where in she predictably stacked her plate with as much food as possible. Unfortunately, some of it manages to spill off and ruin one of her classmates dresses, a girl from one of the most prominent families, Guinevere.

Guinevere, more than a little bit upset with this, begins to throw a temper tantrum in front of everyone. It only grows worse when Lancelot casually mentions she's a peasant knight and proceeds to ignore her to just eat food.

Right as Guinevere is about to go mad with rage who's to save her but… Well, I guess to say, you?

Arthur, the royal prince..ess… of Britannia, also a new student to the school. With a speech about her how we should love all people, including peasants, she manages to calm down the raging Guinevere. I suppose this is what you might call a fated encounter?

...Ah, that's so embarrassing to say out loud. Forget you heard that.

A-Anyway, before Arthur leaves, she gives Lancelot a treat that she says is from her private stash. Of course, our favorite Hungry-Hungry Knight decides right then and there that she's going to get a bit more of that stash because it's really good.

Eh? How?

Well, you see, among the Nobility there's a certain popular pastime. Dueling. In the Royal Academy students can create "Orders" of duelists in order to compete in the sport. And wouldn't you happen to know it but Arthur's personal Order, the Knights of the Round Table, just so happened to start looking for new members.

There's a bit of a problem though. Lancelot's rusty iron sword just won't do the job against the Legendary Swords, Weapons of amazing abilities, that the other knights use. However this is a problem easily fixed when she helps out two of her upper classmates, a mysterious girl in black and a young boy in red who call themselves Morgana and Mordred.

With their help Lancelot manages to get into the vault of Legendary Swords and meets her new partner.

You already know it's name don't you? Arondight. A purple blade that allows her to hide her presence from enemies.

With this new blade she manages to be the only student to pass the membership exam into the Knights of the Round Table and thus, a story of romance between her and Arthur begin.

Though you might have a few questions. Who are Morganna and Mordred? What are the Legendary Weapons? Why is Britannia the only land in the world?

Well that's…

====

I poked the blonde girl in the forehead, causing her to blink. "A spoiler."

"Ah! Please forgive me, I was lost in thought." She released a dreamy sigh. "What a wonderful thing: a group of noble, kind-hearted brought together by love and fate, fighting to spread love and justice and food equality… so lovely~"

I snickered. "F-Food equality. Ahaha.."*

"Why only Nobles should be blessed with good food? Why being a Peasant should exclude one person from enjoying culinary deliciousnesses?" Her tone grew hot and passionate. "I see how it is, Sir Miyafuji! This character that you created, which shares the same name as my dear Lancelot, is without a doubt a savior chosen to put an end to a frightening social injustice through the power of love!"

"Mmm… Okay." Wow she sounds like an English Major, "Anyways speaking of Lancelot, why don't you go say hi now that you're here?"*

"I greeted her when I arrived. I even gave her a bag full of sweets Kay cooked specifically for her: Lancelot was so happy about it, she started to cry!" She smiled. "Today I'll fully dedicate myself to you, Sir Miyafuji."

"Ah, right." I rolled over onto my bed. "Well I'm gonna take a nap so… tell me if there's something you want to do."

"T-Then… will you grant a selfish wish of mine?" She started to fidget, blushing slightly.

Oh god here we go…

"If it's kissing you the answer is no." I declared just for the record, "But I'll hear you out first."*

"K-Kissing?! Ah, what a wonderful image…" She palmed her cheeks, blushing even brighter as she smiled. "But no, that's not what I wanted to ask. Sir Miyafuji."

She spread her arms.

"Can I be your bedsheet?"

Eh?

EHHHHHHHHHHH!?

My body froze I quickly turned my head away. "I- Uh- Wha-Wha?!"

"If you want to sleep, then we can't let you get cold, right? Please use my body to warm yourself."

...Ah…

Ahhhhhhhhhh!!!!

FUCK FUCK FUCK WHAT DO I DO AHHHHHHHH!!!

N-No wait! I have something for this!

SAVE ME SEIREAMON!

"T-The drawer. The third one. Grab the tag please."

"Certainly." Elegantly standing up she went to the drawer and bent down, showing up just a hint of zettai ryouik- AH DON'T LOOK!. She straightened up and turned, the tag in her hands. "This one?"

"Y-Yeah." I grabbed the tag and placed it on my body. Instantly the slightly chilly temperature became a comfortable heat like a fluffy marshmallow… Made of fire I guess. "Nyakui Invention number 7, the Warm-Warm Nap Charm. Whenever it's placed on a person, the charm adjusts the temperature around them until it's the perfect temperature to take a nap in. Though it's hard to get out of bed once you use it."

I looked up from the bed and winked at her. "Now that that's settled…"

"It's true." Arthur laid next to me on the bed, fingers folded atop her chest and eyes closed. "What a wonderful invention."

...Eh… I already slept with Himiko…

I'll just throw the embarrassment for future me to deal with.*

====

Notes:

Alex: Already sleeping with multiple girls? They grow up so quickly those days…

Chen: I'm so sorry for your regularly scheduled fanfic being interrupted by another fanfic. For those of you who skipped it, I completely understand.

Alex: If it helps, I like it. Sounds very zazzy.

Chen: I think you mean Jazzy.

Alex: No.

 

[Alexander]

Chapter 46: California Gold

====

The door to my room suddenly slammed open. Marco looked around the room until her gaze settled on me. "Trash. Come with me, or I'll stab you to death."

I paused, my eyes blinking. "Why?"

Her frown deepened. "Lady Kublai requested your presence."

"Don't know why you didn't just start with that…" I muttered under my breath as I got off from my desk and grabbed Kusanagi from off it's place between a bunch of pillows.

Trust me last time I left it on the floor and fell asleep the thing had nearly destroyed my room when I woke up.

"So, where is Kublai anyways?"

"She's waiting for us at Urgench. Now come, I've already had the horses ready." She made a 'follow me' gesture. "Don't lag behind. If you do, I'll toss you into boiling oil."

"I'll tell Kublai you're being mean to me again." I gave her a smirk that only annoying younger siblings could have.

Ah, though I may be an older brother I have lived with two sisters for years. I know the tactics!

She bristled, and if looks could kill I'd be dead one hundred times over. However, for the whole travel she toned down her insults.

====

"Thank you for coming." Kublai greeted both me and Marco with a radiant smile. "Now that our countries are part of the same empire travel has become much easier, don't you think so?"

"Well horses are kind of hard to get used to as a main form of transportation but it's not like I didn't know how to ride them before." I paused, "Wait that's not what you mean. Uh, yeah it's uh, easier."

"That's right! Horses are not easy to ride, that's how it should be: otherwise riding them could become boring, and that would be a great shame." Her smile widened. Er, I think that's just a you thing. My aunt taught me in like, a day. Though coming here helps as practice. "Ah, but I have not asked you to come here for this. I hope ours would be a private talk. To start with, before your conquest Mongolia had financial troubles."

"The annexation with Zipang brought the problems to light." Marco continued. "It provided a little of a relief, but some problems still remain."

"My grandmother's generation was not like this though." Kublai frowned. "It is all due to my inexperience. To make matters worse, even if I wanted to improve the situation we're shorts on funds."

Oh is that what this is about?

I thought she'd invite me to go adventuring or something but hey, business never ends.

"So you want me, to give you money, so that your part of our whole little shebang can make more money." I pointed at her and then back to me as if that made things clearer. "I mean, I can help speed things up but I'm not exactly the guy in-charge of all the money so Yoshi and I will have to do some stuff. Should probably be easier then getting money to India though."

I looked her over before pausing, "No, wait, I take that back. Probably going to have to wrestle a few nobles into submission. Again."

"There's no need. My request is different." From within her voluminous cape she took out a very old parchment roll and opened, revealing a map of Mongolia. "This, is a map of fortune handed down to me by my mother. My grandmother, Genghis Khan's inheritance sleeps somewhere even now. I was searching for the map that records its location, and I finally found it. This is it."

I blinked, "Oh! That's right! You mentioned this back at the party… Before we started the Thailand Conquest. Wow, how long have you been waiting to do this?"

"Indeed, the excitement made the wait seems oh so very long." She nodded, her smile not wavering. "But if we can find grandmother's inheritance it will be worth it. Moreover, while waiting I had time to decipher the map, and now I know where to go. My request, thus, is twofold: first, I would like to request ownership rights to the inheritance; second, I was wondering if you would like to join us in the search."

She clapped a hand on my shoulder and showed a handsome smile. "Yes. With you, I'll be able to cross the deepest valleys."

"I want Lady Kublai to touch me tooo…" Marco moaned in distress, eyes burning with jealousy.

"Er, sure thing." Marco you're really creeping me out here! "But I got make, uh, you know, preparations."

"Certainly. We can conduct our search for the inheritance on your schedule." Kublai nodded. "When you're ready, just tell me."

"Got it."

I guess we're looking for One Peace now!

...Okay Kublai was certainly dressed the part.

===

I wasn't joking when I said I had prep work to do you know?

Of course that included...

The clanging of a hammer on metal rang through the forge at a solid pace. I sat, watching idly from the corner as the red hot flames blazed on.

I'm glad I had these temperature changing charms because otherwise I would be hot.

There was a loud hissing sound as the hot block of metal was sunk into the water, steam escaping from the surface in large clouds. Once the steam became just a trickle Maragi pulled out the sword held in her giant pliers, observing in from various angles before nodding in satisfaction. "I thank you for waiting, Lord Miyafuji." The blacksmith put down the sword over a large piece of cloth. "I know it is disrespectful to make one's Lord waiting, but this is a delicate procedure that requires my full attention."

"It's fine." I wave, grabbing the sword. "Wow yeah, once again Kusanagi really likes your work. The sword is buzzing in my hands."

"It is a honor to be able to work on the legendary Kusanagi." She bowed. "That such a simple blacksmith as me is found adequate fills me with great joy. I can tell that you and it are growing up to be wonderful partners, even if at the moment your personalities clash more often than not. But that is considered acceptable, for you are a ruler before being a warrior."

"What? Who told you that?" I gave the short woman a look, "I'm more of a person before being a ruler. Honestly I'm pretty sure that the only way the sword won't kill you in your sleep is if you constantly stroke it's eg- ow!"

"As I was saying." Maragi nodded, her eyes closed. "The wills of a master swordsman and their sword are as one. When there are differences, it's a chance of growth for both as long as intentions are pure. So, if I may ask, is there anything else I may assist you with?"

"Oh yeah, so like I was wondering. Do you know anything about the Kusanagi? Something I wasn't told before." I held the blade up, "See I always thought the Kusanagi no Tsurugi was a sword that specialize in fire. Low and behold it suddenly has the ability to pull wind out. I'm… confused to say the least."

"I believe I can explain." Maragi nodded again. "To begin with we must go back to the times of the Kusanagi's creation, when the God Susanoo slew the monster Yamata no Orochi. The Orochi was an evil dragon that devoured seven daughters of Kunitsukami, Earthly Deities, and was about to eat the eight one. Now, this is merely a theory developed by past generations of scholars, but it is believed that the essence of the seven daughters, Kunitsukami themselves, was gathered and refined inside Orochi's body. By this theory, the Kusanagi took its form as a sword when Susanoo's own sword, the Worochi-no-Aramasa, broke upon striking it. In short, the Kusanagi is the final product of an fortuitous, natural occurring mystical forging process using the essence of Heaven and Earth. Are you following, my Lord?"

"Worochi no what?" I blinked, "I thought it was the Totsuka?"

"Totsuka means 'Length of Ten Fists', and Tsurugi is a type of sword." She explained. "Sadly not all names of legendary swords were passed down to future generations, so most historians use the term Totsuka-no-Tsurugi to speak of those swords, for a length of ten fists was considered proper at the time. The Worochi-no-Aramasa was also called Ame-no-Habakiri and Futsushimitama-no-Tsurugi."

Well uh, that's a stupid list of names.

"So uh, is now a good time to mention that I accidentally fused the two swords together?" I glanced at Kusanagi. "I mean, it kinda just happened and really Totsu- Worochi was a slab of rock so…"

The blade seemingly growled in my hand. "Oh come on you know it to be true!"

Maragi blinked, face unchanged. "If it pleases you, I would like to hear a more detailed explanation of what happened."

"Okay so like," I held a hand up. "I wasn't originally able to use the Kusanagi, you know, it wouldn't come out of its sheath and stuff. But when Takeru showed it to me it was… Damaged. Almost irreparably damaged. Cracks everywhere which probably explained why her usual technique wasn't the fucking army killer we know today come to think of it. So she hands the sword to me and… Give me a sec it's been a long while since this happened."

Right so if I recall correctly…

"Right well when I first touched the sword there was like, a jolt of electricity through my hands? I think it resonated with the Worochi or something. And then Takeru got Illuminati'd and tried to kill Himiko and I which ended up breaking the Tsu- Tch, Worochi. Then what happens is that the broken pieces of the blade fuse with the damaged sword in order to become what you see here now." Kusanagi vibrated, "Yes, you killed another sword for pow- Ow! Don't sting me that's exactly what happened!"

Maragi nodded while humming. "I see. The Worochi-no-Aramasa used by Sunanoo was broken, but since we don't know how it was created it is possible that a similar sword may exist… I see, I see." She cupped her chin, eyes narrowed in concentration. "I shudder to think what may have damaged the Kusanagi to such an extent as you described. But if it wasn't something that could be fixed with a forging process, then the likely explanation is that the concept itself of the Kusanagi's form as a sword was damaged. To fix it, the Kusanagi conquered the essence of the Worochi you possessed, replicating the process of its birth to acquire an intact sword-form-concept. Heaven and Earth joining into one. The pillar connecting both. Truly, it is most marvelous."

The Kusanagi vibrated, as if proud.

"Yeah okay I think I got what you just said but i'm going to ignore it." I nodded sagely as a low rumbled spread throughout the Kusanagi. "Oh come on did you actually get that or did you just nod along because it sounded cool?"

The blade was silent.

I consider this my victory.

"I will finish to answer your original question, my Lord." Maragi continued as if everything was normal. "Originally the God Susanoo named the sword he found within Orochi-"

I blinked as she told me the name.

That's uh… That's a mouthful.

"Instead of using it to replace the sword he lost,-" Maragi continued. "Susanoo offered the sword as a gift to his sister Goddess Amaterasu, as an apology for the time when he tossed a dead horse into her garden."

"Uh…" My mouth hung open, "You going to explain that or…"

What the fuck?

"Susanoo and Amaterasu had a long-standing rivalry, the former famous for his almost childish fits of rage." She explained calmly. "He also destroyed her rice fields and killed one of her attendants. In fury and grief Amaterasu hid inside a cave, plunging the world into darkness since she is the Goddess of the Sun. She only came out of it when the other Gods threw a large party outside the cave and the Goddess Ame-no-Uzume danced promiscuously. After that Sunanoo was banished from Heaven."

I paused, "Wait didn't that involve a mirror?"

"Indeed. The mirror Yata no Kagami, one of the Three Regalia of Zipang, was hung from a tree outside the cave together with the Yasakani no Magatama. It was part of the attempts to lure Amaterasu out."

"Uh, huh." Weird. "So uh, anything else?"

"After Susanoo and Amaterasu reconciled the Kusanagi, together with the mirror and the magatama, was entrusted to the Imperial family as a symbol of their legitimacy. The sword passed through multiple hands, until it was given to Yamato Takeru by her aunt Yamatohime-no-mikoto, the Shrine Maiden of the Ise Shrine, to protect her in times of peril. What happened next is a story told by Yamato Takeru herself: during a hunting expedition, Yamato was lured onto an open grassland by a treacherous warlord, who then ignited the grass to trap Takeru and burn her to death. Unfortunately, it turned out that being proficient in fire-based techniques does not mean one also has the ability to put it out."

"Yeah no shit." I muttered under my breath.

"So Yamato Takeru tried to use the sword given to her by her aunt to cut the grass and remove fuel from the fire: in doing so, she discovered that the sword enabled her to control the wind and cause it to move in the direction of her swing. So she combined it with her own fire techniques and sweep all the fire in the direction of the warlord and his men. In triumph, Yamato Takeru renamed the sword Kusanagi-no-Tsurugi, the 'Grass-cutter Sword'."

"And then… She just forgot that the Kusanagi had wind power?" My eyebrows furrowed, "Wait, that's right she got amnesia then mind wammied. But wouldn't someone else remember?"

"I am to believe Yamato Takeru really liked fire." Maragi diplomatically said. "I do not presume to know how the tale may have evolved since she first recounted it."

"Uh huh…" I stood up before stretching my arms, sheathing Kusanagi. "Well thanks for the info."

"It was my pleasure." She bowed. "Maybe it might interest you to know I have recovered another of the swords I was searching for, the Dōjigiri, when passing through Australia. If you hear of swordsmen interested in proving themselves, please send them to me."

When the hell did she do that?!

"...I think I know just the person."

====

You know what someone needs to get good?

Practice.

You know how to practice?

Training.

And do you know how to train?

By beating yourself into the ground and coming out stronger!

...Wait that's probably not right.

"Water." I paused, grabbing the flask from my waist and letting the cool liquid run down my throat. Ah yes, Sei was still the best…

"It is important for a swordsman to keep their body properly hydrated." Sasaki informed me, sword in a relaxed but ready position. "Do you eat enough vegetable? What about fruits?"

"Fruits yes vegetables nooooo." I drawled out before pausing, "Wait I think Tofu technically counts as a vegetable."

"Since it is made from soy milk, I suppose that can be considered true. Myself, I prefer miso."

"Cool." I nodded, "So about what I was saying on that sword…"

"If I am found worthy, it would be a honor to be entrusted with one of the Five Swords Under Heaven." She nodded, a small smile forming on her lips. "It is not the proper length for my Ganryuu Style, but the Dōjigiri… the 'Slayer of Shuten-Doji', considered by many to be the most powerful of the Five. Truly a marvelous sword."

"Shuten-Doji…" Hm, if I remember correctly, "Oh that guy? One of the three most evil youkai? Huh, didn't know that. Anyways yeah, Ganryuu Style, that's a name…"

"It means 'Large Rock style'. I came up with it when I finally completed my secret technique, Tsubame Gaeshi. Lacking suitable targets, I used a nearby boulder." One hand came up to massage her head, her smile widening. "Master was quite angry. He kept hitting my head with his fan, saying it was punishment for wasting a perfectly good sitting spot."

"Huh, the story I knew had Sasaki use birds to develop the Tsubame Gaeshi…" I nodded, "Then again, that's the story filtered through a bunch of other stories."

"That isn't exactly wrong, for I was trained by Tengu."

"Ah no, it was like-" I waved my hands, "So the story goes that, for convenience's sake just consider this a guy who is also known as Sasaki Koujiro. So like, he's sitting in his compound and then a bunch of birds start eating his rice every day. Which is bad enough but then they start exploding leaving you know, bird guts and stuff all over the place. Which he doesn't like. Then, in some tremendous leap of logic, he decides it's only proper to challenge the birds to a duel. But you know, fucking birds are fast. So the he makes the Tsubame Gaeshi, attacking in three directions at once, just to kill the birds. All because they decided to eat his fucking rice and then explode in his house."

"...That is quite the outrageous story." Sasaki raised an eyebrow. "It makes me wonder what kind of rice this guy was eating."

"I dunno I don't write this shit." I sighed, "Eventually legends and stories get mutated until they become completely outrageous. Especially if it's memetic mutation, that shit gets bizarre."

"Memetic mutation? What is that?"

"Now that is a long story that I don't want to get into but suffice to say information eventually gets uh, repeated so much that it becomes something new." How do I say this… "I guess in your case, and the rest of the heroes of the world as well, it happens when you become famous that eventually the idea of uh, 'Sakaki Koujiro' becomes bigger then the actual person, Sakaki Koujiro. And ideas are subjected to the human mind, not any basis in reality."

"In short, chalk it up to rumormongers and chatty housewifes having too much free time and even more fantasy." Satan commented with knowing tone as his head emerged from behind a nearby rock. "Also, hi."

"GYAAAAAH!" I exclaimed, jumping upwards. "Stop doing that!"

"After spending millennia practicing to perfect it? No chance in Hell." The snake snickered.

"Oh? You must be the rumored Talking Red Snake of Zipang." Sasaki blinked in slight surprise. "They say you always appear unexpectedly, and that your words contain a rare wisdom that is difficult to discern."

"That's one way to put it. The Old Man knows that when I try to say things directly nobody pay me attention."

"So like," I pinched my nose, "Why are you here?"

"I was bored." He shamelessly admitted.

"Of course you were." With a sigh I gulped down some more water before standing up, "Well I guess it's better that we get back to work. Ready?"

"Of course." Sasaki raised her sword, sheath still covering the blade, and brought it to her shoulders' level. "Here I come. Hiken."

The air stilled.

It wasn't that there was no air. It was still there, but it was like it turned solid and thick. It was hard to breath, my lungs burned, every second seemed to last for eternity as I longed for the air that had betrayed me-

"Tsubame Gaeshi!"

Three perfectly executed, simultaneous slashes converged upon me from three different directions. Desperately my Brave spread throughout my body to dampen the blow but that didn't stop the strikes from hitting me, sending my body flying backwards and crashing into the dirt.

I held a hand up as the air became normal again. Silently I grabbed my flask of water and chugged it down my throat.

"Wow, that was brutal." Satan commented. "Interesting technique you have there, girl. Two slashes are almost always already a killing blow, three are basically overkill. Did you plan to slay an Oni or what?"

"Nothing so fanciful. I merely wished to master the use of the sword and to leave behind an inheritance." Sasaki explained. "For life is fleeting, but a man can live forever through his deeds."

"Well, can't say I disagree. Being forgotten is a crappy destiny alright." The snake slithered next to me. His next words came as an amused whisper. "And, let me guess, this is not a softcore M-game?"

"Who do you think I am, Joan?" I shot back, "No this is uh, that training from hell thing."

"You assume people in hell have the need to come up with extraordinarily difficult training regiments. Yes 'need', not 'time'. He quiped. "Also, said blonde thickhead is spying you from behind a tree."

"I'm sorry- what?!" I shouted, grabbing a nearby rock before tossing it at the tree the snake was pointing at. There was no Brave in the throw but by god was there a lot of adrenaline.

A familiar arm came out from behind the tree and caught the rock before retreating. "If this is my king's will I, Joan of Arc, shall treasure this gift like a treasure!"

"Good luck boy." Satan said with a sympathetic tone.

I could only say one word, "Why."

====

It turned out the map lead to a cave within Mongolia's territories. Knowing that, we rode there on horse.

There was just one problem.

Said cave was on the top of one of the mountains of the Karakorum. Also known a giant fucking mountain range.

The thing crossed the border of India and Taika for fucks sake!

"Alright," I held a hand to my face as I looked at the map, "Do any of us have a plan?"

"Of course I do. I'm an explorer after all." Marco said smugly. "Lady Kublai: I deeply regret my next words, but we can't continue on horse from here on out."

"I see what you mean." Kublai looked up at the mountain range with a glint in her eyes, while her own horse was quickly shaking its head left and right. "It is quite different from Mongolian plains. Ufufufu, it makes me even more excited."

"That's why allow me, Marco Polo, to procure new mounts adequate for the task!" The green haired women vanished for a moment before coming back with travel… oxe? I guess that made sense since this a mountain and all but- Wait.

I blinked, "There's only two."

"You don't need one." She replied with a venomous voice, expression as cold as ice, before immediately switching to rainbows and confetti when turning to Kublai. "Lady Kublai! Those are yaks! I know they smell and are unworthy of carrying your magnificence, but I can assure you they are adequate for the task at hand!"

"Oooh?" The bluenette was hugging an yak around the neck. "What a long, warm fur."

Okay how do I get through this one?

Wait since there's two....

"Uh, Kublai?" I coughed, turning away to hide the look on my face as I sacrificed all my dignity. "Do you um, mind if I ride with you?"

CLINK CLINK CLINK CLINK CLINK

The sound of knives being grinded against each other filled the air.

"Since there are only two and we're three, then I guess it's inevitable." Kublai nodded, completely ignoring Marco's behavior. "Or, what about riding with Marco? I noticed you two don't talk much with each other, so this is a good opportunity to deepen your bonds."

Ha.

Ahahahahaha.

I looked at Marco.

She was pouring a green, sticky liquid on her knives with an angelic expression.

…Eeep.

Oh god. Oh god she'll actually kill me oh god oh god- WAIT!

What if I suggest Kublai ride with Marco? No that won't do that woman's head was thicker than a brick. I'd have to somehow force… it…

In a panicked rush I snatched the map out of Kublai's hands and threw myself on top of the ox which understandably started to panic as well. "Hey uh- Race you guys to the next landmark Marco has probably memorized the map seeyouguystherebye!!!!"

RUN OX RUN MY LIFE DEPENDS ON IT!

"Ooh! What a splendid idea: a race to reach Heaven's peak! Marvelous! Come Marco!"

"L-Lady Kublai?! OH MY GOD I'M HUGGING LADY KUBLAI KYAAAAAAHHH-!!!"

====

It took almost all day, but we finally arrived at the famous cave, a large opening in the mountain where darkness concealed everything after a few steps inside.

"Poof." I muttered, lighting a fire above my finger with the Brave I gained from the horrible trip here.

"There's no mistaking it. The treasure should sleeping within this cave." Marco panted heavily, face as red as a tomato.

"Our destination is further in. Let's hurry:" Kublai, instead, sounded very eager.

The cave's inside was cold and humid, with no signs of human presence. In fact, it looked like no living being went inside it for decades.

"...Here." Kublai suddenly said. "This boulder is acting as a camouflage. Hrngh… Alright."

She pushed and rolled the boulder to the side, revealing a small alcove carved into the wall with a chest inside.

"I've found it! My family crest is engraved on this chest. There's no mistaking it!" She said triumphantly.

"That's my Lady Kublai! Are your hands dirty? Ah, just some dust…" Marco began to wipe Kublai's hands with extreme gentleness and reverence.

This is creepy. This is so creepy. I wanna go home.

"Right so uh, treasure!" I shouted, walking up to the chest. "Any traps or…?"

"Indeed, that's a valid concern."

"This is where my job starts." Marco produced a lot of strange tools. "Lady Kublai, please watch. I'll open this lock for you."

She began to work on the chest, for once looking professional. "It is indeed booby trapped. Once I release the trap, I can unlock… There's it open! Lady Kublai, please have a look."

"Thank you Marco." Kublai approached and knelt before the chest. "Grandmother, I am still inexperienced as a ruler. Please forgive me for using your inheritance…"

She opened the chest. And inside…

Was just an old, rusted helmet.

"Sweet." I declared, walking towards the chest and holding up the helmet. "This works."

Instead of being disappointed Kublai laughed. "Hehehe. It's disappointing, but I guess I should have expected it. To think my strict Grandmother would leave an inheritance is questionable in its credibility. Polishing my martial skills without relying on a treasure is the best shortcut. Maybe that's what she was trying to tell me with this helmet?"

"How profound of Lady Kublai's grandmother!" Marco praised. "She left a lesson from the afterlife with her own helmet."

"Well if you're not going to take it I will." Just gotta blow off this dust and-

Oh.

"Hey uh, you guys are probably wrong about that lesson thing." I looked at the helmet closely, "The helmet is another fucking map."

"It's… a map! Drawn directly on the helmet!"

"...Thank you." Kublai smiled at me. "I really am inexperienced. I even overlooked a message left to me by my grandmother. Thank you so much: you've deepened the bond between my grandmother and I."

Um…

"I uh," I looked away, "Do I still get the helmet or?"*

"Ahahah! Of course, it's thank to you that we found grandmother's true message! First, however, we must decipher the next location."

"I'll get immediately to work." Marco began to copy the map by drawing it on paper. "Uhm, this is more complicated than last time. "I'll need access to a library…"

====

So, after returning to civilization Marco found out the treasure's location. Guess what?

It was in another cave.

This time all the way to Vietnam!

"Welcome to the rice fields!" I joked, "No idea how Gengis managed to hide something here but hey, here we are."

"Grandmother had a knack for succeeding in the unexpected." Kublai commented with a nostalgic smile. "We should probably be on guard for any traps."

"This kind of exploration is my forte." Marco boasted. "Lady Kublai, please allow me to take the lead."

"I appreciate that, but I'll lead. This is something I must do by my own effort. It's enough that you helped me get this far. Now I'd just like you two to watch me at my most courageous."

"Oh yeah go ahead." I fastened the hat we found in the last cave on my head, "Lead the way."

Speaking of, this hat was now rust free!

Still kinda old though. Maragi may be good at her job but she's not a miracle worker.

We barely managed to take a few steps inside the cave before a middle-aged woman with dark skin and short white hair walked out of the darkness, looking at us with a hard stare. "...Who are you?"

"Some guys who found a map." I shot off instantly, "Hi."

"...Tell me your names. Answer quickly." Her gaze intensified. "If you're here for the treasure…"

"That dark skin of yours is beautiful." Kublai smiled charmingly. "I am Kublai Khan. I would like you to return to me what you have been entrusted with."

"Kublai...Khan…" The woman's features softened upon hearing that name.

"My grandmother's property. As soon as I receive it we shall leave immediately."

"I know that name." The woman nodded. "You're the only one who is allowed to have the treasure." She smiled. "My job is over…"

And just like that the woman vanished, as if she was merely a mirage.

"W-Where did she go? What happened?!" Marco was dumbstruck.

I turned to her, "I mean, it was a bit trippy to see but it's obvious that she was some kind of ghost."

"Good work…" Kublai smiled, totally unaffected. "Thank you for protecting the inheritance all this time…"

We advanced deeper into the cave, finding no trace of traps whatsoever. And then, at the end of the long passage…

Was a veritable mountain of gold and gemstones!

"...You know," I took a breath, "I am kind of disappointed we don't get another hat."

"Hehe… Leave it to grandmother to stash away this much treasure. It's going to take some work just bringing it all back." Kublai commented. "I'm grateful to have the treasure, but I wonder if she left any sort of message to me. Personally, that's what I was looking forward the most…"

"Lady Kublai, there's a bow hanging on the wall with a rolled-up parchment tied to it." Marco pointed out. "Maybe it's that?"

The bow in question was a small wooden bow with a dark diamond pattern engraved on it's side. It also had tips of metal and the arrow left on it kind of made it look like it was shooting a tridan but hey that's just me.

"Let's see…" Kublai took and open the parchment. "'I found this bow while raiding India. Apparently it's called Gandiva and was made by the Gods, but I prefer swords so you can have it. Also, pregnancy and childbirth are a pain in the ass: if you must continue the family line stock up on alcohol. Gengis Khan.'"

Kublai smiled tenderly. "Yes, those are without a doubt words written by my grandmother. Hehe, I guess I'll always be a child in her eyes. Grandmother, someday I will surpass you. From now on, I'll work hard to polish my skills and grow into a fine ruler."

"...Right." I nodded, "So like, are we done here or is there any other important treasure around?"

"Even if there was, I think I'd just leave it there for now. This is more than enough." Kublai replied. "I must thank the both of you. I wouldn't have been able to make it here by myself. Sorry that I can't think of anything else to reward you with, but…"

Before I could react Kublai kissed my cheek.

"Ah… AAAAAHHHHH!!" Marco screamed, the umbrella shattering in her hands.

Uh- I- Uh- I-

"Ahhhh-" I squeaked, my face burning red.

She just- I- Eeep!

"I worked hard on deciphering the map too…" Marco's eyes turned bloodshot. "Why only him…?"

"I have to thank you too, kitten."

Kublai then kissed Marco. On the lips.

"Ah… Uwaaaah~" The green-haired girl moaned before fainting.

"Oh, are you alright Marco?" Kublai looked in concern at the fainted girl. "Maybe it was a little too stimulating for a little kitten."

"Ahhhhhhh." I let out as my hand slowly touched the place Kublai kissed, "Uh- I- Uh- Eh?"

It was in my messy haze of a mind did I notice that the cave was vibrating. No, not vibrating. That was technically the wrong word I think. There was a rumble going through the stone walls that I couldn't quite put my finger on. It sounded familiar but like it was from a distant memory.

Idly, I began to walk back towards the entrance of the cave. Curiously glancing as something zoomed across the sky. It was made of steel yet it few like a bird…

Wait.

Oh my god.

"Is…" My eyes were wide and my jaw dropped, "Is that a fucking jet?!"

Made of steel, adorned in gold, and flying through the skies was the pinnacle of modern aviation! The goddamn jet plane!

I mean, I have a Level 0 in all things modern military but I can recognize a jet!

The modern impossibility stopped above the the cave and then descended, landing on the grass in front of me with the grace of a bird.

"Hey boy! Guess what?!" The hatch opened, revealing Satan, Ashoka, Sanzou and Lu Bu. "Ancient Indian hypersonic jet! Man, those Indian Gods were crazy!"

My jaw dropped, "I'm sorry what?!"

====

Notes:

Alex: It's called a Vimana.

Chen: I'm just wondering when the hell those three went on an adventure so Bizarre they ended up with a jet.

Alex: That will be explained in the next chapter! Don't miss it!

 

[Alexander]

Chapter 47: Pink Floyd

====

"Alright, so it all began like this." Satan started after everyone sat down in a circle outside the cavern. "I was napping and minding my own business, when suddenly Yellow Dragon over there yanked my tail."

"Again, sorry about that." Lu replied.

"Turned out she wanted to know where you went, boy. Of course I didn't know at the time, but somehow the conversation turned to this special ancient sword that could supposedly be found inside a mausoleum in Chang'an. Then Tripitaka over there heard said sword supposedly have the power to destroy evil, and so she insisted in coming along."

"Hakkai, you should stop running away without informing me." Sanzou was tapping her staff on my legs. "Your past, undisciplined self is showing more and more recently. Let's meditate together on the sacred scriptures to bury it once again."

Uh.

I pointed to Marco and Kublai, "They asked for my help so I helped them?"

"And yet, you didn't inform me you were leaving." Sanzou continued to tap her staff on my legs.

"Somehow I got dragged along while they were going to the mausoleum, and on the way we meet Nudist Queen over there, who wanted Tripitaka to check and bless the first Dharma Pillar made."

"What is wrong with my clothes…?" Ashoka mused under her breath, looking like she just heard someone speaking Martian.

"Somehow, again, we all ended up going through the mausoleum." Satan rolled his eyes. "I'll spare you the details, but suffice to say ancient Chinese traps are no fucking joke. And the sword wasn't even there!"

"Yep! Turned out Shi has it brought to her before we entered the mausoleum. She wanted to try a new method to improve her health, and she needed a prized sword." Lu took out a sword with seven azure gems on its surface. "But it didn't work, so after scolding me she let me keep this Seven Star Sword! What do you think? It looks powerful, right?"

"Well, seems kinda… I don't know how to put it in words." I paused, "Also do you even use swords?"

"Sure I do!" She lazily swung it behind her.

The instant the edge touched the ground a large fissure opened in the earth, fifty yards deep and twice as long.

"See?! It even does all the work itself! Isn't this sword amazing?"

Holy shit...

"More like fucking terrifying." I backed up a bit, "What if you accidentally dropped it?"

"Put it into the scabbard woman!" Satan yelled at her, to which Lu immediately comply. "Luckily the sword's makers were crazy, not stupid: it's safe to handle as long as it remains inside the scabbard. Where was I…? Oh yes: next thing I know, like a running gag everyone got dragged to India, where we experienced things like age jokes, disproportionate retribution-" Ashoka looked embarrassed at that. "Mass brainwashing, food tours and, for the cherry on top, ending in a secret warehouse built by some long dead dude to store this beauty." The red snake's tail patted the jet. "A honest-to-the-Old-Man Vimana!"

"Vinmanwha?"

Sound's V-y.

"Like I said, ancient Indian hypersonic jet. Solar-powered, and capable of self-repair." Satan sighed. "Too bad it has no weapon system: there is nothing like the ability to fire nuclear missiles at machine-gun's rate just by pressing a button to feel badass."

For about five seconds the picture of this tiny snake wearing sunglasses and flying the plane around like an action movie hero from the 90s popped into my head and I tried not to laugh my ass off.

"S-So what are you going to do now?" I began, biting my inner cheek in an effort not to laugh, "Start an airline service?"

"Nah, too much work. Not to brag, but I'm actually quite lazy, you know?" The snake declares without a hint of shame. "If you need a lift somewhere I'm willing to help, but don't ask me to do it constantly."

"Exactly what I'd expect from an airline run by Satan." I nodded, "I can already picture the name now."

"Hit me."

I stared him dead in the eye. "Delta Airlines."

"Ahahaha!" Lucy, the only one to get the joke, laughed heartily. "Good one boy! So, do you have a new destination in mind? It's going to take some squeezing, but I think we can fit you and the two cuckoolanders."

Marco, who was busy staring in worship at Kublai, blinked. "...Is he talking about us?"

"Seventy-thirty chance." I replied without looking her way.

"Enough chit-chatter!" Sanzou's staff-tapping increased subtly. "Let us return to India. And with us, I mean Hakkai, Gojyo and myself. There is a temple we must visit."

"Ah, I would like to show you the finished Dharma Pillar." Ashoka added.

"My name is Lu Bu, not Gojyo. And come on, all of that can wait. With this thing finding the medicine of eternal youth for Shi will be easy!"

"Ooookay." I placed a hand on my head before reaching into my pouch and pulling out a journal. With a sigh I scribbled stuff down before looking up, "Is there anyone else who wants to book an adventure?"

A general silence was the answer, but minus Satan everyone was staring expectedly at me. "Look we have, like, thirty heroes and two thirds of them want me to do stuff with them." I shrugged, "At this point I'm starting to lose track of you people."

"The perils of popularity boy. Let me give you a piece of advice." Lucy came closer and whispered something in my ear. "Some of them just want to share some good time with you. The others? They need to learn they can rely on others, not just you."

"Why is this all so complicated…" I groaned before snapping the book shut and standing up. "I might as well make my own side quest!"

"Such as?" He asked, now sounding interested.

"Uh…." I spun my fingers around before snapping them. "There's like, a lot of options. Finding the other two treasures of Zipang, tracking down and taming the sand whales of Australia, walking in a random direction and hoping something interesting happens… Lots of things."

"In that case, if you accept suggestions I have one: I believe two old pals of mine are still around." Lucy said. "They should be in the West, around Macedonia. I'm not 100% sure, of course, but I have a good feeling."

"...You know what? Fuck it, alright." My foot tapped on the ground, "Fire up the jet please! We have a campaign to plan!"

====

"But really. I appreciate the help boy, but there is no need to go that far." Satan waved his tail. Him, me and all other heroes were gathered in a large hall. "I can search for my old pals alone as long as I can use the Vimana."

"I mean, it was on the list." I shrugged, "It was either this, Russia, or the good old US of A- is that still a thing?"

"USA? If I remember right an old friend of mine, Columbus, planned to found a nation with that name in the new continent." Cook said. "But I don't know how she's currently faring. All of her economic projects have a tendency to end badly."

"That's true! Remember when she tried to open a casino?" Mazero laughed. "She kept playing and winning, so by the end no one wanted to go there anymore!"

"Wait, Columbus is trying to found the USA? Columbus?" I clutched my sides as I barreled over laughing, "Hahaha! Yeah, so, like, I guess the country I was born in doesn't exist, but Columbus trying to make it overshadows that fact with sheer hilarity."

Cook looked at Yoshi. "More of that 'future-not-future' stuff?"

"You'll get used to it. If he gets annoying threaten him with paperwork." The replied in a completely serious tone.

"If it's Macedonia you're interesting into, Onii-san, then I can tell you a lot about it!" Himiko boasted.

"Himiko studied hard." BenBen added.

"And we, who live near it, can tell you a bit about Russia." Sun finished.

"Alright, first off, I have never heard of Macedonia in my life unless it's another country with a name change so there's that." I held up a second finger, "Two, the only thing I do know about Russia is that you should never invade it in the winter and it tried communism until that stopped working."

I clapped, "Which basically means I know jack all about any of our three options. Of course, I want to hear about Macedonia first, considering we're going there."

My eyes glanced towards Himiko, "I'm just going to trust you haven't flunked a test on Macedonia yet."

"Absolutely! Because this is my first!" She declared with confidence. "Alright. Macedonia is a nation that prospers from its trades through the Silk Road, and it ranks just under the EU as a national power. In case you're wondering, the Silk Road is the most important route that connects Asia and Europe: it starts from Delhi and goes through Gandhara, Persepolis and Baghdad before ending in the port city of Damascus. Macedonia is ruled by a hero named Alexander. I've heard she's quite a daring and resolute character. In her council is the famous Aristotle, who acts as her aide and as a teacher to the soldiery. Alexander is a strong enough w-"

"GREEKS!" I interrupted, throwing my hands up. "OH GOD IT'S THE FUCKING GREEKS!"

"....Greece is a perfectly fine and normal country." Cook cautiously said, receiving a nod from Mazero and Marco.

"Wait is Macedonia Greece?" I held a hand to my head, "I mean thank god it wasn't Rome, though given Italy already is a thing I'm pretty sure they existed somewhere."

"No. Macedonia sits next to Greece, and the latter is now part of the EU." Cook explained.

"A-Anyway. As I was saying-" Himiko swiftly hid something in her sleeve. "Alexander is known as the 'Champion of Conquest', so it's probably best to be cautious."

"If it helps, in the past I heard rumors that Macedonia is currently at war with Babylon." Ashoka added. "Babylon is a small but very old country, and its walls are famed for never being breached. They fight only defensively, so until now all of Macedonia's attempts have failed."

"I regret asking. I regret asking so hard." I rubbed my hands against my face as I tried to reconcile the knowledge of what the fuck. "Alright, just so my sinking suspicion is cleared up, Nero wouldn't happen to be in charge of Greece right?"

"Mmh… no, I think not." Cook replied after thinking for a while. "Last I heard Leonardo set her residence there because she 'found something interesting'. That's all I know, sorry."

"Greece, Leonardo… Actually that kind of makes sense when I think about it." I shook my head, "Okay, okay, I think I've gotten everything mostly straight. Well no I don't but at this point I'm willing to believe Atlantis is a major power if you told me that so I guess I'm just rolling with the punches."

"There is no country named Atlantis." Nobu told me.

"I can attest to it." Lucy confirmed. "Those guys shot themselves in the ass when they tried to develop nuclear energy: they forgot about safety measures."

"...They fucking what."

"Nuclear energy boy. The Atlanteans were very big on knowledge and understanding, and their Gods supported it. So they closed themselves in self-sufficient isolation and dedicated all their efforts into acquiring more knowledge and developing advanced technology. Until the inevitable happened and they poked something dangerous without stopping to ask themselves 'Wait, what the fuck I am doing?'." The snake shook his head. "I was in Spain at the time, eating spicy albondigas: the flash of the explosions fried my skin and melted my eyeballs. Bad stuff boy, really bad stuff."

"You know what? I'm just not going to question that." I sighed, "So I guess we either confirm we're running head first to Macedonia or try another country? I dunno, any suggestions?"

"Alexander is known as the 'Champion of Conquest', right? Then, let's turn the table on her!" Nobu punched her palm. "We move out after sending the declaration of war and conquer a city before they have time to properly mobilize!"

"Er, sounds like a plan I guess." I shrugged, "We'll be head to the direction Vienna- Viama- Vimama! Vimana!"

"The last one. I suppose such an item would make scouting easier, to say nothing of the advantage of being able to observe the terrain from above." Sun remarked, causing Tama to drool with a happy grin. "Do you still want to hear about Russia and the new continent, or we can proceed?"

"We can get to those later." I waved, "Let's just focus on the now."

"In that case, start writing the declaration of war. I'll prepare the troops for rapid deployment. Our target: Persepolis."

====

You know what the middle east has a lot of?

Sand.

Sand and deserts and mountains oh my.

Like the same could be said of India but there were some good spots. Now I just miss plants. And trees.

Especially trees.

I grew up in Hawaii yo. Sure there was some places that was literally just dirt and rocks but most of my memories are in the places where there were lots and lots of trees. Like the places around my house, or the mountains.

I miss trees.

"Aaaaahh, this brings back memories. So many memories." Satan commented. For once he was actually slithering on the ground, head moving back and forth… except, I couldn't see where his tail ended. "It's here that everything important started, you know? Adam and Eve, Abel and Cain, Noah, Solomon… And to think, at the start it was just me and the Old Man: a small god without a portfolio and me, his first creation. We went far since then."

"Uh-" I looked at the ground, "Suddenly things feel a lot different."

"Don't let it bother you too much. It's old history now: still important of course, but old nonetheless." The red snake reassured me. "Just focus on the immediate future for now. Planning for the long-term is a privilege for old people. Except if they're ancient: in that case, they can dump everything on the younger generation and finally relax."

"...Okay then."

"Persepolis should be visible after crossing that hill." Ashoka informed everyone. Together with her and a few others I went ahead of the army to get a look. Lots and lots of stone buildings… Oh yeah that's a greekification overload if I ever saw one.

"So how are we going to do this?" I glanced at the city again, "Charge right in as usual?"

"Let's see…" Sun inspected the fortifications that could be seen from there. "Walls aren't specially high… not very thick, but arranged into layers… uhm, uhm. A frontal assault of the walls isn't especially advisable. I suggest asking the city to surrender first, and if they refuse attack one of the gates. This should minimize the risks and the defenders' home advantage."

"So we either need a messenger or we throw the message at them…" I sighed, "Who's gonna do it?"

"Uhm…" Sun looked at me and the rest of those who joined the expedition. "How about Sanzou?"

"Are you kidding?" I stared at the women in shock, "That's basically sending a bomb to their doorstep!"

"I know. That's why her use in my list of tactics is under the name 'Willpower-Sapping Bomb'." The strategist explained. "All's fair in war and love. This will be on the test."

"Okay, so, all in favor of sending Sanzou to get them to surrender say aye." I shivered, "Know that if you do so you will be sending them our deadliest weapon."

"T-This counts as minimizing casualties, right? Right?" Himiko asked with a trembling voice.

"If you only consider their physical lives, then I suppose it does…" Yoshi sighed. "May as well try: Aye."

Soon everyone followed the samurai's example. And that's how we chose Sanzou to be a diplomat.

====

Barely half a hour passed since Sanzou left that the city's main gate slammed open and an army poured out, shouting enthusiastically at the top of their lungs.

"Okay now here's the question," I held up a finger. "Are they mad or are they mad?"

"Not as planned! Not as planned!" Sun's eyes were spinning so much they resembled whirligigs. "Defensive formation! Take defensive formation!"

Before long the Macedonian Army was upon us, the majority composed of footmen armed with swords, spears and shields. That was when it became clear they were not mad or mad.

They were… hot-blooded.

I should've seen this coming.

"Ah...! The Zipang Army has come! Waah…" At one point I found myself before a couple of enemy soldiers. "So this is what it feels like to be attacked! How strange!"

"I've attacked before, but to have to actually be on the defensive for the first time is getting me excited!" The second soldier commented. "And what's more, Zipang is pretty strong, right?"

"That's what the rumors say, but I wonder." The first soldier looked at me. "Hey you! You're with Zipang, right? How strong are you guys?"

"Imagine the limits of the human body." I began, "Then go beyond those. That's what our commanders are like."

"Really?! Wooh! Then this will be a tussle to remember! It's unfortunate that Lady Alexander is not here. Do you think we can stop them by ourselves?"

"Let's do our best! We'll fight in place of our beloved Lady Alexander and Master Aristotle and repel the Zipang Army! The first to fall is a chicken!"

"OH YEAH!!!" Was the general cry that followed.

Well, I had to respect their dedication at the very least.

I drew a low breath before bending down and unsheathing Kusanagi. Slowly I gathered the little Brave I had already had before jumping right into the group with an explosive leap. Power coursing through my legs as I kicked one in the face. The air wiped against my skin as my body did a flip in the air and landed on the ground.

With a "Dah!" the Macedonian soldier tumbled to the floor as I did a finger gun in his direction. "Bawk bawk?"

"One of us already fell?! That must means… you're a commander!" One soldier pointed at me! "Onward my brothers!"

"ONWARD!"

One thing quickly became apparent about the Macedonian soldiers.

They were almost impossible to demoralize.

====

The battle lasted for a long time, leaving me completely exhausted, but at the end we achieved victory. And a well-deserved one at that, because the Macedonians fought to the point of unconsciousness. Every last one of them.

The women and children too.

"Okay!" I huffed as I tossed another soldier off me, "I must've missed a memo or something because I wasn't aware we were invading Sparta."

"Chen? Are you alright?" Lancelot asked as she helped me pull off the last soldiers. "I bet you're hungry. I'm hungry too! Do you know there is this ice cream called dondurma? It stretches!" She made groping motions with her hands. "Boing… boing…"

"Why would ice cream stretch?" I gestured with my hands. "It's ice cream. It's a cream. Why would you make a cream that stretches? I mean, you could have it in something that does stretch a bit like mochi ice cream but… it's a cream."

"The meat spins around and around as it cooks~" She was already thinking of something else while drooling.

"Okay then." I sighed, "Where is everybody anyways? I kinda lost them."

"My King. Our most noble and righteous allies have gone searching for a physician to treat their wounds." Joan informed me from behind.

"Woah!" I jumped, "Did you get a vocabulary upgrade in the last ten minutes since I saw you?!"

That line was kinda, unJoan ya know?

"Nay. I merely repeated what God told me, may His glory be eternal." She announced proudly, followed by a fax-like sound coming from her head. "Hmmm… I see, I see. God has decreed! In His boundless compassion and humility, Our Lord doesn't consider his revelations anything special! How majestic!"

"...Okay." I sighed, "Here's hoping they don't pull a Taika and Alexander pops up out of nowhere."

"Hakkai!" Sanzou finally made her reappearance, coming running from the city's direction. "You are not going to believe it! Those Macedonians are incredibly rude. I was going to give them a speech, but the moment they heard I came to speak for Zipang they started shouting and running around, completely ignoring me!"

"Honestly that's a miracle in and of itself." I nodded, "Where did you even go during the ruckus?"

"That? There was a restaurant with a huge discount on the menu, so I stopped to sample a few dishes." She explained without shame whatsoever. "They have this thing called moussaka, which-"

With a 'woosh' of displaced air Lancelot was gone from our sight.

"-is made with eggplant and minced meat. You can eat it both hot and cold, which is a great advantage. Of course moderation is a virtue that cannot be discarded. Thus it's appropriate that-"

I quietly pulled out a tag from my pocket and stuck the Nyakui Invention Number 2 onto my skin. The world became blissfully silent as Sanzou began her rant.

Now then, what to do next…

====

Barely three days passed since our conquest of Persepolis that a new army showed up on the city's doorstep, this one bigger and more disciplined than the last.

Together with a message asking if we could give them a couple of hours to catch their breaths, since they came running all the way from Baghdad.

I looked at Tama, "Where's Baghdad?"

"Let me check…" She looked through her maps. "It's almost the same distance we crossed while coming here! And they did the same in only a few days?! There is speed, and there's this!"

"You know what?" I sighed, "For any insane physical feat they do, just write it off. It's easier on your sanity."

"So what do we do?" Himiko asked. "We let them catch their breath?"

"On the one hand, they're weakened. On the other hand, if we don't they might get mad." I shivered, "And do you really want to deal with these guys when they're mad?"

"...My divination is telling me I don't want the answer to that." She answered with a serious face.

====

So as agreed we waited a couple of hours.

"Wahahahaha!"

And then, as we took the field outside the city, someone came running our way at full speed.

She wore- She wore something. The cloth followed no discernible pattern, like it was stitched together from what was lying around. In her left hand was a spear and in her right was a gauntlet. The women's hair was both pink and blue with minotaur horns to boot. And to top it all off? She didn't even wear pants!

"Oh my god." My jaw dropped, "It's like Benkei grew up and took fashion tips from Nobu! She's a complete wreck! Looking at her hurts my eyes!"

"You! You guys are strong!" The walking menace to sanity shouted at the top of her lungs. "I am Alexander, ruler of Macedonia! I was dying for a real challenge, I had to come here as fast as I could! Consider that a compliment! Wahahahaha!"

"S-So imposing and flashy…" Himiko trembled. "And also weird…"

"Was she attacked by a thrift shop or something?" I muttered in awe.

"Now, let's have some fun!" She twirled her spear and pointed it at me. "No one is going home today until they're all sweaty and their hips hurt like hell!"

====

Notes:

Chen: Oh my god she looks terrible.

Alex: In a game full of strange designs, she's running for first place.

Chen: That's not a strange design, that's the goddamn Frankenstein of designs. Are those cloths from places she's conquered? Is that what it is?

Alex: That's not a bad theory. Of course, the real question is another: are those horns... real?

Chen: Honestly Sei and Benben have their hair like fox and cat ears. Who knows man.

 

[Alexander]

Chapter 48: Everything You Know Is Wrong

====

Last time on Cat-Ball Z!

The Nyaa Fighters encountered Her Lordship, the dreaded Alexander the Terrible! Though she may look nothing like a certain other Alexander, can our intrepid heroes get out of the country with their eyeballs intact?!

"Come on! Come on! Let's cross swords!" Alexander goaded us again with an eager tone. Only to suddenly stop as a puzzled expression blossomed on her features. "Wait: I use a spear, not a sword! Oh well, let's cross weapons then! The bigger the better! How big are your weapons? Wanna compare them before we get all dirty?"

Woah! She was spouting off innuendos that were so blatant even I got them!

"Uh..." I looked around. "I think Benkei has like, 900~ weapons but I don't know how much she keeps on her at all times. One, two... lotta pointy things."

"Benkei collected 999 weapons so far!" Said girl exclaimed with pride. "When she gets the 1000th weapon Benkei is gonna make a wish!"

"Atta girl! Good luck with that! Wahahahaha! Alright, enough foreplay! Here I come, here I come!" She pointed her spear at me before dashing forward at incredible speed. "Brace yourself, because I'm gonna stab you!!!"

"WILD BULL!!!" I shouted, jumping to the side to avoid the- Holy shit biscuits that's a fast girl!

"NO INHIBITIONS! NO RESTRAINS!" The Macedonian troops shouted at the top of their lungs before surging forward in a great tide. Each and every one of them had a maniac grin on their lips, and their eyes shone with a ferocious light.

It was very, very, very uncomfortable.

After missing me Alexander leaped, spear poised downward for a descending thrust. I quickly picked up a low stance and unsheathed my blade. "Hey, I think I found out the secret behind your country's strength!"

"Really?! Wow, you're sharp!"

"Yeah!" I pointed at her horns. "Your country is a country of bullfuckers!"

I could almost hear the sound of a record scratching as the troops around me gave me a look. Both sides were giving me a look.

Except for Alexander, who blinked before changing the angle of her attack and stabbing the head of her spear into the ground. Using the weapon as a pole she flipped over it and landed on her feet before pulling it out. Resting the spear on her shoulders she gained a look of intense concentration, her free hand stroking her chin. "I know what a bull is, but what does 'fucker' mean? Is that a Zipang word?"

The Macedonian troops were frantically shaking their hands and heads in my direction.

"Uh, Germanian, actually, I think. Honestly I don't even speak Zipang." I paused, "Uh, are you in anyway related to a bull?"

"Oh, you mean because of those?" She tapped one of her horns. "Nah man, everyone in my family has them. Apparently my great-great-something-grandfather was a bull, or maybe related to bulls? Grandmother's tales changed every day, so who knows what the truth is! Wahahahaha!"

"This story wouldn't happen to involve a maze and a glowing piece of thread right?" I asked, internally nodding at how I was proven right.

"Yes! How do you know? Don't tell me..." She gasped. "Cousin?!"

"Nope I just know everything." I immediately denied, "Except my own family history- Ohhhhhh shit."

"You can stop worrying! Even if you don't have horns family is sacred!" She winked. "After we're done here let's go share a drink! The bill is on me! Aaaah, I can't wait to tell Teacher!"

"Oh god oh god oh god..." I mumbled. Curse my childhood for reading Greek myths and not knowing about anything of my mom's side of the family! You hear me?! DAMN YOU! "Welp, you know what, fuck it. Time to do that."

My panic turned into Brave as it began to swell in my body, building pressure in my legs. "I may have been born and raised in Hawaii and have only been to the airport of Texas but I'm still a bit American so cultural appropriation is fair game! LET'S GO!"

In an instant the energy beneath my feet exploded and I shot into the air, flying almost as if I had been shot out of the friendship canon.

"YEEHAWWWWWWWWWW!!!!"

With a flick of my hands I grabbed the tall, multi colored woman by the horns and swung myself around, wrapping my legs beneath her chest and holding her horns in my grip. "IT'S TIME FOR THE RODEO!!!!!!!!"

Alexander responded by bending her knees, leaning back and slamming me on the ground. It wasn't very strong due to the awkward position, but it happened so fast it stole my breath away. "Oops, sorry cousin! When I was little the other boys used to do it all the time so I reacted by instinct!" She raised a thumb-up. "Don't you know you need permission first to ride a girl? You'll come out as a jerk if you don't."

"Blrgl." I let out as I tried to catch my breath, "In hindsight... That was... a bad idea... Bleh, all my Brave is gone now as well."

"Really? You need to work on your stamina, otherwise you'll get tired before reaching the climax and leave other people unsatisfied." Using only one hand she pushed herself back to her feet. "Wanna continue this tomorrow? I don't really mind."

"Nope nope I..." I raised my hand, "Wait, you won't just go to some other part of your kingdom after this right?"

"Uhm, not really." She pouted a little. "I mean there's still the war against Babylon but all they do is defending, it's starting to get a little repetitive... Ah, that's right! I came here so fast that I didn't have the time to give this back to Teacher."

Out of her voluminous cloak she pulled out a book.

The title read: '30 Ways to Get Married Before You're 30'.

"I'm just gonna assume the person who wrote that is 30 years old and has not gotten married." I quipped, "Anyways yeah, thought so. It's just kind of the formula that happens whenever I invade another country."

"Oh! Oh! War stories?! Do tell!" She was visibly excited. I was still hanging by her horns, by the way, but she didn't seem bothered by it anymore.

"Eh, I mean, when you first invade a country the first battle like, always introduces one of their heroes. Then we like, fight for a bit before either they fuck off to some other place or we capture them or in the rare case, convince them to join our side." I made a face. "I mean, even fucking Australia did that and those guys wouldn't know what the word government meant if I wrote it on a wooden bat and smacked them in the face with it."

"That sounds exciting! You get to fight strong people all the time: I'm so jealous!"

"I mean..." Flashbacks to Yamato, Kublai, Ashoka, Lu Bu, and other heroes kicking my face into the dirt flashed through my mind. "I guess? Anyways yeah, this is usually the part where you either get captured or go somewhere else and then we have to spend the rest of the campaign just running around doing who the fuck knows what until we get to the capital or something."

I glanced at the soldiers around us who were in the middle of either fighting, staring at us, or just... Were those fuckers doing an arm wrestling contest with the enemy?

Ugh, Mongolians.

"Am I right or what?!" I shouted.

"YEAH!!!" Our troops replied with various degrees of enthusiasm.

Guys I'm pretty sure you weren't supposed to agree with that.

"Geez! Now I am really, really jealous!" Alexander laughed. "You know what? I know of a way to make this fun for everyone: today I retreat, but if you march to Baghdad I'll arrange for Teacher's two other students to face you there. If you win Teacher and I will fight you a Damascus, and if you win again Macedonia is yours. In exchange-" Excitement literally began to radiate off her in waves. "Let me fight all the strong people in your army!"

"Like, now? Or like, there?" I blinked. "Also Aristotle has more students?! I thought you were the only one!"

"Now would be nice! But I understand if they're not all here: unlike what they say I can wait, most of the time I just choose not too! Wahahaha!!!" She laughed. "Yeah, they're my cute junior students: Archimedes and Diogenes. They're a bit weird and have a serious problem with money, but they're both strong!"

"Wait, Diogenes the cynic? Lives like shit? Ran into a room with a featherless chicken screaming 'Behold! A man!'? That Diogenes?"

"Well she lives in a barrel and has a cute little dog named Cynic, but I've never heard of her doing that with a chicken." She hummed. "I mean, that doesn't even make sense: a featherless chicken is a featherless chicken, not a man."

"Okay so like, the story I heard was that Plato defined a human as a 'Bipedal creature covered in skin' or something and Diogenes, either out of spite or amusement, grabbed a featherless chicken and declared it to be a man because it was bipedal and when you removed the feathers it was covered in skin." I paused, "You know who Plato is right?"

"Plato, Plato... Oh, that's right: Teacher said he was one of her teachers! Teacher's teacher, that's funny! Wahahaha!!" She laughed again while slapping a palm on her waist. "I see, I see! So if anything with two legs and skin is a man, then a chicken without feathers is also a man! Now that's a good joke! I didn't know Diogenes was such a comic!"

"Diogenes' entire reputation is making fun of pretentious philosophers, things like that happen." I shrugged, "So, anyways, meet you at Baghad... ed? Baghadededed?"

"Baghdad. And yeah, you have a deal!" Almost casually she grabbed and pulled me off before putting me down next to her. Then she put two fingers into her mouth and produced a whistle so strong it was heard all over the battlefield.

Gah! My ears!

All the Macedonian soldiers stopped what they were doing to look in the direction of Alexander. "That's enough for today guys, we're going back to Baghdad! But don't worry!" She slapped a hand on my shoulder. "This here is my cousin! He's gonna show us a good time in the future! Wahahaha!!"

...WAIT FUCK I DIDN'T CORRECT HER!

"OOOOHH!! HAIL LADY ALEXANDER'S COUSIN!!!" They cheered.

The Zipang soldiers looked at me before recognizing the look on my face and letting out an "Ah~" of understanding.

"See you next time cousin! Work on your stamina, I want us to eventually go all the way! Wahahaha!!!" With those parting words Alexander skipped away with a pleased gait, her soldiers soon following after her while carrying those that couldn't walk.

Leaving me alone with my own allies. "O-Onii-san?" Himiko's eyes were wide. "What... What just happened?"

I took a deeeeeep breath before turning to Himiko, "How's it feel to be part Mycenaean now Himiko~!"

"That's not an answer!"

=====

"So, let me get this straight." Yoshi was massaging the space between her eyebrows. "Somehow you persuaded the ruler of Macedonia, Alexander the Champion of Conquest herself, that you're her cousin. Then, again somehow, you two made a deal: if we defeat the armies of Baghdad and Damascus then she'll hand over Macedonia to you. In exchange Alexander get to fight all the Heroes working for Zipang, which I assume include whenever and however she likes." She gave me a look. "Is that right?"

"No, no, she only said the strongest heroes. So like, Tama doesn't have to fight-"

"YES!" The petite women shouted before pausing at the awkward silence. "I-I mean, my lord..."

"Anyways!" I shouted, trying to get back on track. "You make it sound like that was something that took conscious effort on my part. Which I will gladly take credit for as part of my massive plan that totally exists yep."

It ended up being much better than my other plan...

Yoshi stared at me in silence for a few seconds, one hand still massaging the space between her eyebrows and the other resting on the table, before pressing her palms together and looking up at the ceiling. "Gods of Zipang, I don't know which action I took in this or a past life that offended you so much, but don't you think I've been punished enough?"

"Onii-san, you've really troubled Yoshitsune this time..."

"What? Hey! I think it's a good deal!" I raised my hands defensively. "And if you want Heaven's Mandate then just ask Jeanne or something! I may not like the nickname but I am called the Servant of Heaven remember?"

A thought occurred to me before I looked at the ground, furrowing my eyebrows in confusion, "Actually, now that I think about that nobody has called me by that title in a long time..."

"That's because you are nothing like one." Nobu commented.

"My lord, if such it's your desire I'll refer to you as 'Your Highness the Servant of Heaven' from now on!" Tama enthusiastically declared.

I have made mistakes.

"No need to be so down. For you see, this is actually quite convenient for us." Sun tapped her stick on the table to gather attention. "Based on the number of Macedonian soldiers we faced so far, coupled with the information I collected here in Persepolis, I can safely say that Macedonia's military and economic might are high enough that it would be quite troubling if they are used against us in an efficient manner. That's only to be expected from a country which not only managed to remain independent of the EU, but is ruled by both an extraordinary warrior and one of the most intelligent people currently alive."

"And this clusterfuck of misunderstandings is convenient for us, why?" Nobu demanded.

"I'll explain. This will not be on the test, but pay attention anyway." Sun waved her stick up and down a few times. "With Alexander believing that Chen is her cousin, and since she reminds me of Lu I don't see that misunderstanding being fixed any time soon, and her challenge, we have an unique opportunity to conquer Macedonia with minimal bloodshed required. Look at this map."

Taking out a scroll she opened and spread it over the table, revealing a map of Western Asia. With her stick she pointed to two cities, Gordion and Alexandria, which both had Macedonia's banner above them. "Gordion stands on the border with EU territory, and it's fortified enough Napoleon is wary of invading it. This was confirmed to me by Cook. That would leave attacking by sea, but Alexandria is also a port city and its navy, both military and economic, has enough influence and power to rule half of the Mediterranean Sea. Winning Alexander's challenge will allow us to leave the forces of both cities intact, thus creating a buffer between us and the EU. Because, and I hope this doesn't need to be said, we currently don't have the strength to fight against them and win."

"Don't forget I'm pretty sure that the EU's navy is kind of butchered by the campaign in the thailandish area- Uh, it was called, um." I shook my head. "That place. Anyways with Cook and Mazero both subsequently fired their navy should still be reeling. It was an absolute disaster for them. Unless there's some other Navy captain I don't know about?"

"As luck would have it, Cook and Magellan were the only EU Heroes with a large experience in naval operations. Of course both Napoleon and Hannibal are strong and talented military leaders, but their expertise is mostly centered around land campaigns." The Chinese strategist revealed. "The EU losing the South Seas to us was indeed a great stroke of luck! But don't think we can afford to be careless just yet! Zipang may currently be the nation with the largest amount of territories, but we're still catching up to countries which has survived and prospered through decades of war!"

"Wait we have the most territories?" I blinked, holding up a hand and counting my fingers, "Zipang, Taika, Mongolia, Australia, Hawaii, an entire ocean, a fucking continent... Jesus Christ we do."

I glanced around the room filled with heroes. "This just sunk in. How the hell did I end up here?"

"It's what I want to know too." Nobu said before slapping a hand over her face and dragging it down.

"I suppose it proves Chen is truly the Servant of Heaven, because they are clearly blessing him. The alternative is a massive cosmic joke, but that way lies madness." Sun nodded sagely. "Well, we have covered everything for now. It would be best to give everyone a few days to relax before going back to marching. Who agrees with me?"

Everyone raised their hands.

"Right, free time~!" I exclaimed, stretching my arms. "Who wants to get into a competition based on who can do the most shenanigans-"

""NO!!!""

Wow. Rude.

====

"You." Hearing someone calling out from behind me I turned around. There, standing in the shadows so that only her glowing eyes were visible, was Vlad. "Feed me." She commanded.

"Hi welcome to McDonalds, may I take your order?" I shot back immediately.

"Chen Miyafuji or McDonalds, it does not matter the name." She slowly advanced towards me, arms still hugging the creepy plushie. "I bestow upon you the honor of feeding me."

"We will eliminate any threats that approach our King!" Joan suddenly showed up, a cross in her hand.

"Argh!" Vlad jumped back with a hiss. "Do not bring that cross near! A look alone is enough to cause me pain!"

"So crucifixes work on vampires, after all..." The blonde sounded proud of herself. "I had prepared garlic and holy water to deal with you as well."

"Curse you..."

"Wait doesn't it just offend your sense of astet- Oh right you're a drama queen." I nodded with as much pride as Jeanne.

"Now then. That's an interesting threesome I stumbled upon." Hearing yet another voice I discovered Galileo was watching us with an amused grin, using her cannon like a leaning stick. "Should I return later, or can I stay until body fluids are spilled?"

"Okay there's gonna be no stabbing-" I suddenly recalled something, "Ew. You meant the other way body fluids are spilled didn't you?!"

She laughed like a character from Disgaea. That is, very arrogantly. "I see you're not so innocent as others believe! Midget queen, you may still get that sinner blood you crave so much!"

Tch. Joke ruined.

"Silence idiot whelp." Vlad scoffed. "I may usually feed only on sinners, but I after my forced servitude I was left weakened and now normal blood does not suffice anymore. The blood of a king, especially freely given, shall benefit me more."

"You will not get closer to him." Joan declared. There was a fax-like sound. "I see, I see. God hath spoken! He instructed me to repeat those exact words: 'Chen, just a few droplets would suffice for the bloodsucker. Not that I care or anything'."

"What a ridiculous god..."

"Wait, hold up." My hands made a pause motion. "This conversation was about sucking my blood? I thought Vlad was just like, hungry for food."

"Did you forget what this midget is?" Galileo pointed a thumb at Vlad. "Her kind feed on human blood. Though I assume the 'sinner' and 'king' part is just her being melodramatic. That, or she's a picky eater."

"Right yeah figured it would be that." I mentally put away my theory on kings and metaphysics. Though, if she wanted to be all dramatic like that… "How about I offer you the blood of the devil himself?"

"Oh? You proclaim to be able to provide the blood of the Prince of Darkness himself?"

"He means the talking snake." Galileo told Vlad.

"...Drinking animal blood? That's so, ugh, vegetarian." Vlad sneered.

"Vegetarian." I chuckled, shifting my gaze to the side. "I think you need a better dictionary. Or a thesaurus. Your grasp on words is a bit weak."

"HELP!" There was a shout before a panicking soldier stumbled into the room. "Lord Miyafuji, thank the Gods you're here! There's an emergency!"

"Woah sudden segway okay, uh..." I glanced around, "What's happening? Is the city on fire? Did Yoshitsune drink alcohol? Did you let Himiko talk?"

"A giant boar and a giant goat have been sighted approaching the city! The boar spews fire, and the goat produces mead from its udders!"

"This is, ah, um, what?" I blinked once. Twice. Again. "This sounds like some demonic shit. Either that or, well, you know, we are in Greece so... Fuck it, let's go see what this is all about."

====

"Hey boy! Guess what?" Satan called out, his head and part of his body coiled around the boar's tusks. Both it and the goat were as big as a two-story house. Physically that was the only thing that separated them from your usual animals, save for the whites of their eyes being replaced with pure blood red madness. Now physically however, they were dressed very distinctly. The boar donned in a pure gold armor that probably could fund a nation for an entire year while the goat was adorned with bells and ribbons as if dressed up for some kind of festival. "I found my old pals!"

"Of course this was you. The moment I mention your name you go and do this." I muttered, "Alright, let's take a bet. What mythology are these two from? Mmh, I want to say biblical but that goat is giving me some straight China vibes for some reason. Jeanne, opinion?"

"One moment my Lord." She had taken out a large book and was flipping through it. "I need to consult my Ars Goetia."

"You will not find them there girl." The red snake popped out from behind a large stone. Did he teleport or what?! Gotta get him to teach me how he does that. "I'll introduce them since they don't speak human language. The boar is Gullinbursti, created by the same guy that made a hammer for Thor. There's no finer or faster steed in all of creation."

The boar snorted, the fire immediately turning a few trees into ash.

"Yes, yes. He said he doesn't let just anyone ride him, that he has an excellent pedigree and thus high standards." Satan rolled his eyes. "The goat is Heidrún, also from Norse mythology. She used to eat the leaves of a magical tree, and as a result her teats started producing mead instead of milk. However it's very special mead: it doesn't damage the liver, heal wounds and cure fatigue."

The goat bleated, creating a gust of wind that had a very alcoholic smell.

"Ah, she asks to be milked a lot and regularly, because her teats ache otherwise."

"What in the goddamn..." I groaned and turned away, "Okay, sure. Do we even have some place big enough for them to stay?"

"No worries, I'll cook up something." Satan replied, once again (somehow) wrapped around the boar's tusk. "Follow me guys. It's finally time to revive the [Mythical Animals Smarter Than Their Creators Club]! Oh man, finally it's my time to be chairman!"

Bellowing and bleating loudly in response the two big furries, plus one tiny scaly, trotted towards the eastern side of the city, probably directed to one of the big hills in that direction.

"Well, those were two very big interruptions." Galileo snarked. "I wanted to talk with you boy, but I can wait until tomorrow if you need to get your head back in the game."

"No.. No... I think I just achieved enlightenment." In my time, science has revealed things that seemed impossible to actually be a reality. Who's to say that doesn't apply to mythology? If I was wrong about an assumption, isn't it the scientific duty to replace said knowledge with the factual answer? I shook my head, "Burr. Anyways, what do you want to talk about? I have approximate knowledge on most things."

"Where you come from, did you find proof that it's Earth that-"

"That it's the Earth that revolves around the sun? Yep. Also figured out the basic building blocks of reality, well as small as we can get, learned about how stars were born, reached the moon, learned about how stars die, annnnd also that we are just a small, insignificant speck in the universe and the world out beyond the skies is a black void that stretches on forever, colored with the light of stars, galaxies and nebulas." I paused, "Oh! And Pluto isn't considered a planet anymore. It's kind of a recent thing and is pretty controversial so don't ask me about that."

"I honestly don't care one whit about anything you said after your first sentence. Alright, tell me everything you know about it." She punched her palm with a determined expression on her face. "I'll finish the research before Copernicus, and present it to Teacher after we beat her and that bull-headed Alexander! This is perfect! Gahahaha!!!"

"Okay just ignore my high school education fine." I grumbled before sighing, "The sun is a big ball of fire that all the planets rotate around because of gravity. We, us on Earth, are third away from the sun. Mercury is the closest planet to the sun, with Venus as the second closest, and mars as the fourth. In between us and the other four planets is a giant belt of rocks floating in space. You probably know the rest of the planets and I don't actually recall the order they're close in... but yeah, they're big and made of gas. You happy?"

She shot me a deadpan look. "What about the evidence? The calculations and diagrams that prove it?"

"Okay look, they teach this to us when we're like six do you really think they'd have us all memorize all the equations?" I threw my hands up in the air, "I'm not a scientist. I just know the answer, you'd disappoint me if you couldn't figure out how to get there."

"Geh! Fine, fine! At least now I know we're right!" She huffed before stomping off. "I'm gonna blow up something to work out my stress, don't follow me."

...Did I just get "Science is a liar sometimes" by "Galileo is a Bitch" herself?

====

Notes:

Alex: Kudos to those who get the final joke. I know I didn't.

Chen: Hey! Hi! It's been a year! Oh my god!

Alex: Fics are declared dead after at least two years, we're safe.

Chen: Until next chapter. That'll come out in 2022.

Alex: That's also a joke.

Chen: We hope.

 

[Alexander]

Chapter 49: Brain Storm

====

Breaking news!

The Zipang army has just arrived near the still-unpronounceable Baghadhahah! We now report to the anchor live at the scene in order to give us an update and report on the situation! How's it going Chen?

"It's so fucking hot..." I complained, a variety of Seimei's temperature cooling charms hanging off my body. Maybe I should've just invested in lighter armor instead but I think my greatest investment was more the charm that I had attached to my forehead, though it made seeing through it a bit of a pain. I tapped it with a smile. "Good thing Seimei made me this otherwise I would've been in an even worse hell."

"I'm just thankful, and I cannot believe I just said it, that old fox is actually capable of something beyond blowing stuff up." Nobu grumbled. She was walking close to me, her armor giving off a sizzling sound every time a drop of sweat falling from her face hit it.

Suddenly she turned around and angrily pointed a finger. "Talking about it, how come you two are perfectly fine?!"

"Mind over matter, Nobunaga." Yoshi declared with a serene smile, looking as fresh as a rose. "Mind over matter."

"Compared to the heat of the forge I find the current temperature quite refreshing." Maragi replied.

I leaned over to the pink commander before whispering. "Fat keeps things warm, so a lack of fat totally means they get warmer less easily. Obviously."

Nobu smiled ominously, the air around her bleeding blood. "...You calling me fat, brat?"

"What? No, it was an insult to Yoshitsune, not you." I replied, shocked and offended. "Because you know."

I hit my chest once.

Dark waves of barely restrained violence now joined the blood aura. "I must be mistaken, because I could swear I just heard something insulting directed towards my august person." Yoshi's voice sounded like a heavenly chorus. You know, the type you can expect to hear during funerals?

"Do you really find this hot?" Ashoka wondered. Of course, she was wearing a little as usual. "How strange..."

"Mh... I see, I see." Joan nodded. "God hath spoken! Joan is thirsty!"

"Alright let's just move on from the heat." I declared, completely calm. Externally. Internally I'm pretty sure 75% of my sweat at that moment wasn't from the heat. Regardless of the personal safety of my life, I pointed forward. "Look! It's Baghadadad!"

It was round, it was made of stone, and it was very mathematical looking. I'm pretty sure this was Baghad, otherwise I probably would've gotten so embarrassed the heat from the sun wouldn't match the heat from my face.

"...Putting aside the current matter. For now." Yoshi's smile widened. Then she turned to a nearby soldier, the guy looking at me with pity. Oi, I'm your commander. "What is the status of our troops?"

"Ma'am!" He stood on attention. "Having predicted the current situation Lady Tzu made sure to choose men from India and other similar hot places. And thanks to the river we have plenty of water. However, the general opinion is that a prolonged battle is unfeasible since stamina is drained faster than normal."

"Mmh... Make sense." She mused while stroking her chin. "And where is Lady Tzu? I haven't seen her in a while."

"Ma'am! Lady Tzu, together with Lady Himiko, Lady Seimei and Lady Tadataka are resting within a carriage because, I quote, it's too hot outside, end quote!"

"Oh those jerks!" I cursed before pausing, "Wait, whose Tadataka? Is that Tama?"

"If you give people nicknames, at least try to also remember their real names." Nobu huffed. "Beside those present and the three lazybones we have Lancelot, Kamehameha, Kublai, Polo, Sanzou, Lu Bu, Sasaki and Benkei. Everyone else either was nowhere to be found or collapsed only a day after we entered this fucking desert and had to be sent back with a heatstroke. I would say we still have more than enough people to take over Baghdad, but considering our track record I'm expecting something absolutely absurd and ridiculous to happen sooner or later."

"So it's merely a matter of weather we want it to happen sooner or later." I paused, "Mmh, well I don't really have any ideas on how we could make a surprise opening strike so uh, send a messenger and tell them 'fight me bro' sound like a good plan?"

"We may as well. It's not like a surprise attack is even possible."

So we sent a messenger to deliver the message, together with the obligatory white banner. People don't shoot the messenger as long as they know it's a messenger.

It didn't take long for the guy to return with a reply. "Let's see..." Yoshi opened the scroll and began to read. "They are alright with our proposal, but humbly request for it to involve only a token amount of troops. Apparently they have a few financial problems and had to sell most of their equipment to make ends meet."

"Well, that's just an ouch." I winced, "How many troops are we allowed?"

"One thousand, three hundreds and fifty-one. Heroes included." The ponytailed beauty immediately replied.

"...Eh. That works." I shrugged before shouting. "LET'S GOOOOO- Gah! My throat is so goddamn dry!"

====

We reached the appointed place first, though it didn't take long for troops to come out of one of Baghdad's gates and march towards us. Most of them were armed with spears and big shields, with the rest being either archers or what I guessed were the local mage equivalents.

However, most of my attention was focused on the two figures at the head of the small army. The first one was a redhead holding a staff, and some fucking how she was almost on par with Ashoka for "Indecent dressing". No, I'm serious, she was in a goddamn bathrobe and hopefully a bit more underneath. The second was, slightly more understandably, dressed in rags. Her coat was patchwork and her long blue hair was long and unkempt but as she pushed a barrel over towards us I spotted something on top of her ginormous hat. Something that made this entire trip worth it.

I pointed at the person who I assumed was Diogenyis. "That is a cute dog! ...By the way could you guys like, not afford pants?"

"Hey, random kid off the street. Stop ogling me like a piece of meat." The dog spoke with a feminine, mature voice despite only moving its hanging-out tongue up and down. "You're too young to be a creep, go back playing with dolls."

"...You don't interact with young people much do you." I blinked.

"Cynic, don't be mean." The redhead reprimanded the dog with a lazy tone. "Hello, I'm Archimedes. Nice to meet you. I can't afford pants, you see? I'm poor. Being a scholar doesn't really pay."

"What she said. Plus, somehow we keep losing money even when trying to save up." The girl with the hat pushed the barrel upright and pulled the dog in her arms. "And I'm Diogenes. Nice to meet you. Cynic is just a normal dog."

I opened my mouth to protest that but then closed it. "You know, I think I should protest that on the grounds that she can, you know, talk. But then I remember we too have our own talking snake so you know, I don't even question this shit anymore."

Both the talking animals and the outfit. I glanced at Ashoka for a quick bit before shivering and turning back to them. Yeah I'm not making a fool out of myself a second time, mmkay?

"That's a good joke, but everyone knows snakes can't talk." Diogenes sounded completely serious.

"Who is this 'everyone' you speak of?" The red snake in question popped up from behind a small dune. And was that a jug of booze his tail was holding on? "I'd like two words with them."

"AAAAHH!! A TALKING SNAKE!" The two almost-nudists screamed in fright before jumping inside the barrel, struggling to be the first to enter. The top was closed, then the whole barrel started trembling.

...As quietly as I could I whispered to the rest of the group. "Does anyone have rope on them? Also can any of you tie a knot?"

"You really want to try whatever you're planning to do with a rope right here and now?" Nobu whispered back while eyeing the rest of the Macedonian troops. "I mean, if I understand things right those guys would probably be all too happy to get Exhibitionist #2 and #3 out of their hair, but I assume they have at least a shred of loyalty left."

"Well, look. Judging by the last encounter, I think I know of a way to handle this." I paused before turning back to the troops. "Hey! You guys tie up these two and give them to us and we'll let you guys fight a giant boar!"

They tensed up, a strange light glittering in their eyes, then bundled together to confabulate. It went on for a few minutes before one of them looked up at me. "How big are we talking about?"

"I don't know if we have an actual measurement, or if we even use the same unit of measurement but uh..." I pointed to the city wall, "About as big as that, maybe a bit bigger. It's decked out in gold armor and can shoot fire from it's nostrils. And if you really want the bonus points, this was a creature made by someone who created a weapon for a god. So if any of you have the hubris to challenge a beast on par with a god, if any of you want to hold that honor, well, you've heard my terms."

He nodded in understanding before going back to confabulate, this time for barely a minute. "Does the beast fight back?" After those words he turned a bit embarrassed. "My apologies, it's just that all of us fought only against Babylon recently, and those guys fight only on the defensive. We would like an actual challenge instead of just hitting a wall."

I turned to a certain devil and stared.

"What?" Said devil asked in mock confusion while drinking some of the booze. "Just joking. Gullinbursti loves a good scrap every now and then, he's Norse. I'll ask, just expect him to sulk for a bit if the fight doesn't satisfy him. A sulking Gullinbursti starts racing without paying attention to his surroundings, and well..."

"Eh, we'll point him at Babylon or something." I shrugged before turning back to the soldiers. "So, think you can satisfy him?"

That was apparently the right thing to say, because those guys' Brave started showing to the naked eye. Considering until now I saw only Heroes doing that, it was a very clear sign of how fired up they were.

====

"See?" I said to Yoshitsune as we all sat back and watched the spectacle unfold before us. "I am good at diplomacy!"

This statement was of course punctuated by a Macedonian soldier being tossed up to the sky by Guilin. Instead of screaming however, his cries specifically sounded a lot like "Wheeeeeeee!"

"That is not diplomacy. Nothing you say or do can persuade me otherwise." The samurai replied with a serene smile as she sipped from a small jar full of water. Next to her Benkei was pouring the content of a jar bigger than herself into her mouth.

"Water is important to keep yourself hydrated, but to cool down your body here's what I suggest." Lancelot put down a large crate full of food and began to eat from it. "Watermelon, cucumber, curd, coconut milk, mint, onion salad and melon!"

"I'm honestly pissed my expectations were right on the mark, but it's too hot now to complain. Will do it later." Nobu stated before taking a bite from a watermelon.

"Speaking of Diplomacy." I began, walking over to a certain barrel that was shut tight both inside and outside before knocking on the cover. "Hey, Cynic, can you help me out here?"

"I'm not talking with a kidnapper. The only thing you'll get out of this barrel are our cold bodies."

"Don't listen to Cynic, please. She says scary things." Archimedes pleaded. "We are open to negotiations, we really are."

"As long as you don't damage the barrel: that's mine and Cynic's home." Diogenes added. "Buuut, if you offer a sparkling new barrel that's never been used I'll accept it."

"Yeah you two can stay in the barrel for now while I work things out, I just need Cynic's help." I nodded before realizing they couldn't see me. "Just like, help me convince her."

"Cynic, pleaseee...?" Archimedes begged.

"Tch! Fine, but if I get tortured or worse, molested, I'm dragging you to hell with me." There was a thump on the top. "Open up. And remember: hands where I can see them or the deal is off!"

I rolled my eyes before opening the barrel lid. Idly, I waved a high to the two hobos that were squished together before the dog in question jumped out of the barrel. Idly I closed the barrel lid and sealed it up again before turning to Cynic. "Okay just follow me."

The dog twitched and growled at me a bit, but in the end obliged as I walked over to where Yoshitsune sat. "Cynic, this is Yoshitsune. Yoshitsune, this is Cynic. Please get to know each other. Consider this my apology for earlier, okay?"

"You the babysitter?" The dog asked.

"Once, I would have said no. Sadly, now I fear that's what I have become." Yoshi smiled bitterly. "Nice to meet you, Cynic."

"Go figure. Oh well, at least there's someone relatively sane to talk with." The dog waved her tongue back and forth. "So, what you Zipang people do to socialize? Eat raw fish?"

"That's called Sushi, and no. Green tea is-"

"Oh, by every not-existent god! I was just joking! You people truly eat raw fish? How are you not dead yet?" Cynic took a close look at Yoshitsune and me.

"Ah, yeah, no, I don't eat sushi." I waved. "Also how do you know that the gods have vanished?"

"What never existed in the first place cannot vanish." The dog replied. "If God exists, then God is omnipotent, omniscient, and morally perfect. If God is omnipotent, then God has the power to eliminate all evil. If God is omniscient, then God knows when evil exists. If God is morally perfect, then God has the desire to eliminate all evil. And yet, evil exists. If evil exists and God exists, then either God doesn't have the power to eliminate all evil, or doesn't know when evil exists, or doesn't have the desire to eliminate all evil. Therefore, God doesn't exist."

"Hold up I need to contact my talking snake." I glanced around for anywhere he could be hiding behind before sighing. "Okay, come on, you knew God personally, you can't not chime in on this."

"I knew one God personally." Satan remarked as he emerged from behind Lancelot's crate of food, a suspiciously large bulge in his body. "But alright. You there, canine. Why are you assuming God is omnipotent, omniscient, and morally perfect? What even counts as morally perfect?"

"Oh? I'm questioned? Very well." Cynic sat down. "Morally perfect is understood as practical excellence, an excellence concerned with desire, character traits, and action. A perfectly good being has the best desires that a being can have, and exhibits the best traits of character, and acts in an unsurpassably excellent way."

"If we consider all beings to be fundamentally the same. Which they aren't." The snake waved his tail.

"Uh, hey," I interrupted before coughing. "I'm going to go head over to the barrel. You guys can figure this out in the meanwhile."

"Sure thing." Satan waved me off. "For example, let's consider cannibalism. Is it wrong? For human, yes. But there are animals that do it, and nobody tries to stop them! So-"

I gave Yoshi an apologetic look before dashing the fuck out of there and back to the barrel. Rapidly knocking on the cover, "So, good news, Cynic isn't trying to kill anyone. Bad news, she is now getting into a philosophy debate about god with our talking snake. Don't try and start anything on that because I know, factually, for absolute certainty, that gods are real and they just vanished one day from humanity. Look long story short you guys are philosophers right? I need an opinion on something and you guys are like the only ones qualified to sorta answer it."

"Uhm, I'm more of an inventor than a philosopher." Archimedes replied with hesitation. "And Diogenes curled up into a ball and startled mumbling, she always do that when separated from Cynic so I don't think she can help. But, uh, I'll try my best?"

"Okay great because I need to rant about this to someone." I sighed before shaking my head. "Now, and hear me out here, I'm pretty sure reality is broken. And I know this because as unbelievable as it sounds, I'm from an alternate timeline. Think of that like a different reality where the events of things happened differently. At least, I think I'm from an alternate reality. See when I got to my home island of Hawaii I encountered Satan the talking snake who also remembers the time I'm from, but he's from this timeline or something and apparently things just kind of happened one day and he found himself in Hawaii."

I took a deep breath and sighed. "Then things got even more complicated when we ran into Jeanne. Basically one of my commanders who Satan knew hundreds of years ago and more importantly, she died. But the version of Jeanne here still recognized Satan despite the aforementioned reasons. Now according to Galileo time is more, looping. Repeating itself. Things have been altered, the liner flow has all been smashed together, and everything is happening again. The reason why Jeanne still has her memories is because those memories were so important to her that she didn't forget them in the repeat. Or something."

One final pause. "And also everything may or may not have been caused by a conspiracy that wants to keep the world in a state of eternal war for some reason but they aren't important right now. God I have wanted to get this off my chest for a long time. Any thoughts?"*

"...That, if true, is indeed worrying." Archimedes replied, her tone soft but serious. "If we compare reality to a book, then the current situation would be similar to someone replacing the pages with altered copies of previous chapters. Circumstances make only sense in the present, while the past is full of contradictions. And if the gods existed but vanished, then one reason I can think of is that they not only realized something is wrong, but were able to do something about that. So their existence was a threat. Or maybe the current situation wasn't possible as long as they were present. Either possibility is quite... foreboding about its implications."

"I don't know about the giant boar thrashing through your troops over there because he can't talk but the creations of the gods are still around, yet the only thing they can recall about what happened is, well, quite frankly nothing. There's a giant gap in their memories between the natural state and the current situation." I sighed before shaking my head, "Speaking of contradictions, mind helping me with an experiment? I want you to close your eyes and think over every single bit of your life. All the important moments... then I want you to try and see if they fit. If one of them isn't just quite right, an altered page or chapter like you said. Can you do that for me?"

"You're pretty sharp, Light Boy." A voice I didn't recognize whispered into my ear from behind. Just hearing it made me sick. Each word filled me with profound revulsion. The lightly joking tone enraged me beyond belief.

It was, as if...

Everything about the owner of that voice was my complete and utter antithesis.

"But giving a girl an existential crisis? How cruel of you." The voice (male/female/something else?) giggled, making me want to just rip out its tongue and shove it through its brain. It took every single bit of my willpower not to explode right then and there. My heart was a mess, a mixture of anxiety, anger, and general confusion all stirred together to make a nice boiling soup of 'what the fuck'.

This was not what I expected, this was not what I expected at all.

I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up-

No!

No, no. Keep calm. Just gotta, gotta think for a moment. Gotta say something.

"So..." I practically growled out, my brain working at 500 miles a second. Bad guy, Illuminati, last encounter- Ah! That's right! "I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that you're Mu?"

"Uh, no? My name is Archimedes, I thought I introduced myself already?" The redhead still sealed in the barrel replied with a confused tone.

"MY KING!" Joan shouted with urgency as she rushed towards me at full speed. "God hath spoken! The true enemy revealed itself! Are you alright?"

"Did- Did they just bail on me?!" I glanced around wildly. "Oh come the fuck on!"

There was a fax-like sound coming from Joan. "Uhm... I see, I see. God hath spoken again! He bade me to repeat those exact words: "Boy, for a split moment a hole in my awareness appeared behind you. I can only describe it as complete, utter Darkness. What happened?"

"I mean you said it yourself." I groaned, pressing a hand to my forehead as my heart throbbed in my ears. "I was talking to Archimedes and then I think I asked too many questions as they were all 'You're pretty good' but not in like the cool way then they laughed at me before apparently just fucking off else where."

I took a deep breath before sighing and knocking on the jar. "Speaking of, you doing alright there Archie? Any existential crisis or anything? You didn't block out the last few minutes from your memory right?"

"No, no. I'm alright, thank you for asking." She answered. "But, between 'Can you do that for me' and now only twenty-four seconds passed. I know because I always count my breaths. Just to let you know..."

"I- I mean," I gave an awkward look to Jeanne before turning back to the jar. "That's uh, nice to know? I don't see why that's important but uh, thanks? Anyways did anything odd come to mind?"

"Sorry, I will need more than twenty-four seconds to go through every moment of my life. You see, I have eidetic memory: it is literally impossible for me to forget something." She told me with an embarrassed tone. "Ah, but my first year of life doesn't contain anything strange? Except my parents being too loud in the next room and my nanny blushing so hard she was literally steaming, but I got used to it."

Uh.

Huh.

"I did not need to know that. I really did not need to know that." I muttered. Still, what the hell were the odds that the person I asked had- "Oh that's right! Hah! It's eidetic memory because you guys don't have photography yet! Hahaha... It's not that funny."

I shook my head before waving at the closed jar. "Anyways, I'm going to check to make sure Cynic and Satan haven't killed each other. Tell me if you recall something. Jeanne, you watch over the jar, got it?"

"I hear and obey! My king, I shall defend this jar with my very life!" She slammed a fist over her chest, producing a very loud clunk. "No one but you shall be allowed to come close to it!"

"Please give me at least twenty minutes, it should be enough." Archimedes added. "Uh, such a frilly dress. So many ribbons..."

Twenty minutes huh...

Are you kidding I'm not just going to stand here doing nothing for twenty minutes. Who do you think I am, someone not from the twenty first century? Hah! My troops can't even stand five minutes without some dumbass challenging the mongols to an arm wrestling contest!

...In short this was going to be a boring ass wait. With a sigh I plopped myself on to the hot ground before staring off into the sky, hoping that daydreaming would make the time go by faster.

I should've brought a booooooook.

====

Twenty looong minutes later, I saw no indication the talking dog and snake started killing each other. On the other hand, somehow they set up two big white sheets to act as blackboards and start scribbling on it with something black-colored: for the most part it was too far away to see what they wrote, but I could swore there was a penis or two. The fuck.

Meanwhile, the local Macedonians were still fighting the giant boar, the latter also sounding quite happy now. Oh, and the giant goat set up shop nearby, with female servants milking her teats of alcohol and giving it to soldiers: some were already singing drunken songs.

Everyone was having a party while I was still waiting here, thinking...

"Hey Jeanne." I called out with boredom while I lied down in the dirt. "You think Lancelot knows she's french?"

"Is she?" The blonde tilted her head. "I haven't conversed with a fellow countrywoman in a while. My king, do you think she would be amenable to discuss passages of the Bible while praising your virtues?"

"Okay first off, don't praise my virtues." I raised a finger, "Second off, like I said, does she even know? Legend has it that Lancelot was raised by the lady of the lake, then when she went off on her own for the first time she saved a city, looked in the coffin and it was all like 'Surprise! You're the long lost heir to a french throne! Lancelot Du Lac or something. Thirdly, another myth had her be outright rejected by the holy grail but I'm sure you can figure something out."

"I had no idea French royal inheritance could be found within coffins. My king, your wisdom is truly boundless." Joan nodded. "I shall inquire about Lancelot's exact circumstances and then report my findings to you, my king."

"I have finished." Archimedes announced. Her voice sounded a little shaky. "The results are... I am 100% sure my memories have been altered without me noticing. Or, if time is indeed looping and the past is altered, then the discrepancies are a result of multiple 'me' from different timelines being forced to exist within the singular existence that is the current 'me'. It is very, very sinister and random and I don't like it at all."

"Okay, okay, just calm down. You're still you, okay?" Alright how to handle this... "Did you say 'multiple' versions of you? As in, your weird memories don't line up with the other weird memories?"

"It's a matter of details. For example, there are some parts of my life when events would make more sense if I was male instead of female, even if I can clearly remember myself as a female. It's the same with some of the people I knew, even Teacher. Then there are events that don't make sense if fitted into a precise chronological order and information that shouldn't have changed between now and then, but did." She explained. "At a first glance it makes sense. At a second glance you dismiss doubts as your memory being hazy. But on the third and following ones..."

"Okay wait hold up." I held up my hand to my chin. "At a second glance you dismiss it as a badly recalled memory. But you know you don't have a bad memory. In fact it's perfect, so was it some sort of mental compulsion inserted into you so that you won't question it or was that your own thoughts?"

"Good question. I think that was my own thoughts, because until now I had no reason to contemplate my past life from beginning to end. However, there is another explanation." She made a short pause, as if gathering her courage. "That the 'reset point' of the time loop happened only recently. Recently enough that only now, with your prompting, I realized the discrepancies that take even me a second glance to become visible."

"Only recently..." I scratched my chin before pausing as a thought occurred to me. "I might have a way for you to figure out more... but with your current state I'm going to leave it up to you if you want to do it. It's not going to be sweet at all, in fact it's going to be sour as all hell. But if you want we can give it a shot."

"The situation is dire enough that my discomfort shouldn't be a factor, but thank you for the consideration. May I have a day or two to rest and prepare? Also, I believe you have too many matters at the moment to handle to have the time to perform such an experiment. Just saying."

"Too many matters at-" I glanced back at the full on party behind me. "Oh. Oh."

I paused to stare at the chaos unfurling before my eyes. "Yeah I should probably get this situation under control huh? Joan, orders are the same as always, I'm going to go... hopefully not end up in the hospital wing for the next week."

This is gonna suck...

====

Luckily for me, I did not end up in the hospital wing for the next week.

That honor went to the Macedonian soldiers that fought the giant boar, although both them and the suine spotted very satisfied expressions: battle maniacs all of them...

Regarding Cynic and Satan, the two didn't come to physical blows but somehow their discussion went from the subject of God's existence to the rights of gay people to hold parades while almost naked. Because apparently those two things were related somehow.

Anyway. The doggo went back to her owner, who finally snapped out of her funk and started talking animatedly with Archimedes, the injured were taken care of and Yoshi was discussing with Baghdad's leadership about setting up shop in the city. Leaving me free to... experiment.

"Christ I sound like a mad scientist when I put it like that." I muttered to myself. I was neither mad nor a scientist. Wait but the mad scientist is a term that implies either a lack of regards for morality in science or an absence of logic in science- Okay time to stop thinking about this! "So, Archie. How you feeling? You ready for this?"

"I'm feeling better, thank you." She replied with a small nod and smile. "Things just turned more complicated than I expected."

"That's an understatement, my friend." Diogenes fixed her glasses, doggo cradled within her arms. "In that regard, could we have an explanation about what this 'way' you mentioned entail?"

"And no, we aren't blind-tasting anything." Cynic remarked.

Diogenes bopped her dog's nose. "Hush you, let me speak for now."

"You aren't blind-tasting anything!" I paused before turning back to Archie. "She is."

"Told you!"

"Hush you! We're here as witnesses, I'm sure things will be perfectly fine."

"Uh, so this method involves eating something?" Archie tilted her head. "Is that why you mentioned sourness?"

"Oh yeah. Wasn't being metaphorical there at all." I reached over to a desk where I had stashed the fruit of the hour. "This is the Fruit of Knowledge. Eh, it's got a bit of a reputation but if you haven't read the bible then you'll probably be fine. Anyways apparently it's super sour but I haven't tried it myself because I don't like food. It's said that this'll make you smarter once you eat it but like, again, haven't tried it myself. Probably would be the worst taste you'll ever experience-"

I paused. Bad tasting. Fruit. Devil.

SON OF A BITCH WAS THIS A ONE PIECE REFERENCE?!

"Bad thoughts! Bad thoughts!" I cried, shaking my head before turning back to Archimedes. "Okay so like, there's a bunch of ink and paper stashed in this room for if you go into some maniac fugue state. Also you're getting the closest thing I can find to therapy for the next month at the very least. Some medical doctors are on call and this room has been baby proofed... Oh, yeah, you see that bed over there? Go lie down on it, don't want you fainting and falling down on your head or something."

"You thought of everything, my compliments." Diogenes said. "Well Archimedes, what do you say we give it a try? And if it works, sourness or not, let me have a try at it too. By the way, does adding sugar to this fruit nullify its effects?"

"I dunno hang on." I knocked on a nearby desk. "Hey Satan, does God have anything against sugar?"

"Nah, not all all." Said red snake's head popped out from within a drawer. He exchanged a nasty glare with Cynic before continuing. "I just didn't have sugar at all while I was living alone. I tried making a salad once, but the sourness overwhelmed the other flavors."

"Okay okay..." I held a hand to my chin. "Well, I could have Lancelot taste test or something but... Nobody needs Lancelot with a taste for knowledge. Literally. I already have to bat her away from eating these things as it is. You guys just, like, mind eating it raw?"

"Oh no, I don't. Even if it's a strong sourness, I can endure it for one time." The redhead looked closer at the fruit, took a sniff and then picked it up. "Here we go?"

"We'll collect some flowers from the closest field." Cynic said.

"Cynic, don't be mean."

And then she took a bite.

For a moment no one moved. Even Satan was staring at the inventor with a raised eyebrow. "...Sour." Archimedes finally commented as she chewed slowly. She swallowed, then took another bite. "So sour, so sour..."

She continued like that until she finished the fruit, going as far as to lick her fingers. "So sour..." She commented one last time, then went very still. Like, I didn't think she was breathing?

"Okay everyone." I began slowly, "I want everyone to take a step far away back and also DOCTORS FOR THE LOVE OF FRUIT GET READY!"

"EUREKA!!!" Archimedes shouted at the top of her lungs, jumping up in the air and swinging her claw with such force it carved out a piece of ceiling. "EUREKA!!! EUREKA!!!" Landing back she grabbed a quill and started writing furiously. She filled a whole sheet of paper, both sides of it, in a few seconds and then switched to a new quill and page.

"Experiment successful?" Diogenes mused before picking up a page and reading it. "This formula... refraction of light and multiplication values in concentration with multiple sources? Interesting, though I don't see how it can be applied in real life."

"I swear to god if she starts inventing fucking lazers-" I shook my head, "Okay okay there are a whole fucking lot of ways that could be applied to real life. Like, trust me, as someone from a timeline where that was already a thing sorta, we achieved a hell of a lot. Don't ask me what though because, again, I'm not a scientist."

"Really? Good for future scientists then. Me, I'm a philosopher." She put the page back on the desk, where a large pile was already forming. "I'll keep watching over Archimedes to make sure she takes care of herself. Oh, and when the effects end I'll like to try a Fruit of Knowledge too."

"State your price now or no deal." Cynic added.

"Hush you."

"Yeah, uh. Yeah..." I nodded dumbly before turning to the snake in the room. "Make sure she doesn't figure out something that'll get the Illuminati after us even more. I'm... going to go back to trying to take over the world..."

"Hey, if it's a weapon we can use against those fuckers all the better. But I get it, I'll keep an eye on Reddie her and stamp CLASSIFIED on anything compromising." His tail emerged from another drawer, holding a stamp. "I'm used to handling the fallout of those fruits being eaten anyway. I told the Old Man to remove the tree or at least send a few Cherubs to collect the mature fruits, but did he listen? Noooo, he was busy sweeping the last remains of the Dinosaurs under the carpet, him."

"Okay. That's it. I'm out." I waved, walking my way out of the room. "Never using those fruits again!"

====

Notes:

Alex: How it was meeting Archimedes and Diogenes?

Chen: The strongest nudist hobos I have ever met.

Alex: You didn't even fight them.

Chen: The Strongest.

 

[Alexander]

Chapter 50: Standing in the Sun

====

"After occupying a new territory, it's only natural to take a tour of the restaurants~" Lancelot cheerfully declared.

"So you're the one eating and I'm the one paying right?" I asked, making sure I had enough money stashed away. After the last time, I had prepared for this occasion and dedicated a specific amount of the budget to Lancelot's stomach.

"Don't worry Chen, I always make sure to keep my checks and even order them by date." She informed me. "I've checked them all out~. Strange cucumber soup, tartar, eggplant, beef stew, meat moussaka, and pie. And then everyone's favorite... kebabs! And for Seimei, I'll buy some famous grape liquor called Raki."

"Literally none of that sounded appetizing in the slightest but okay." I snapped my fingers before pausing. Slowly I glanced around before letting out a breath. "Okay that liquor isn't part of my ever increasing debt to Seimei thank god."

"She asked me to buy it." Lancelot replied. "For some reason, she said that going on a restaurant tour with me would give her a stomachache."

"Well it's probably because some people actually have a limit to the amount of food they can eat." I shrugged. "Speaking of people who are going to get diab- I mean, have bottomless energy, let me go grab some people."

It took me around twenty minutes to get the invitations sent out but eventually the other occupants of this party arrived. Er, now that I think about, if I just went with Lancelot, wouldn't that be a date?

...Pfft, nah. With the shake of my head I turned our new party members.

"Aloha!" Kame half-shouted, half-sung. Her voice was just that good.

"What's going on here? What's going on here?" Mazero looked both confused and excited. Truth be told, I didn't exactly invite her to be honest. Rather, one of the servants found her in a barrel full of water and dragged her out before she drowned. Mysteriously, the only thing I ever learned about the situation was a note from Cook that only read 'I gave. Now it's your turn'.

No, seriously, what the fuck were they doing.

"Boooh." Himiko pouted. "I wanted to spend some time alone with Onii-san. My role as the adorable little sister is in-I mean! What did you have in mind. Onii-san?"

"We're going to party and lose all our money!" I shouted, jingling a bag of coins in the air. I paused before turning to Himiko with a tilt of my head. "Also, you sure you want to spend time alone with me 'imoto'?"

My eyes stared back at her like an empty, nomming abyss. They gazed into her soul~

Or at least that's what I was going for.

She blushed slightly before averting her gaze, pouting intensifying. "Is it wrong that I want to spend some time alone with my big brother? Like in the old days..." The last part was said in a lower tone.

"Great now I feel bad." I muttered. Well, that was the reason why I invited her in the first place. A sigh escaped my lips before I ran up to her and threw my arms over her shoulder. "Well if you're a little sister of mine then that makes you the (misunderstood to be) cousin of Alexander as well! So, ready to try the taste of your (false) ancestors' cuisine!?"

I paused, "Because I'm not. Nope. No way. Ya know me. I just don't like food."

There was a strangled cry coming from Lancelot's direction, as if some great blasphemy was witnessed by a pious person.

"I don't want to be related to that-that walking horror fashion show!" Himiko snorted, but leaned slightly against my side. "Fine. If we're going to rule those people then I guess it's only right we learn about their culture. And food, as long as it's tasty, it's always good."

"Oooh, we're going to eat?! Great!" Mazero's eyes blazed.

"Party! Party! I love parties!" Kame's hair were bobbing up and down.

My eyes blinked as I stared at Himiko before a snort left my lips. "Oi oi, you're feeling way more mature than before! Ah whatever, Quest start!"

====

First, lead by the Great Food Expert LancelotTM​, we started with the appetizers.

"Meze!" The Knight of the Round introduced a large platter full of small dishes containing several types of food. "White cheese, ripe melon, hot pepper paste with walnuts, thick strained yogurt with herbs, cold eggplant salad, brain salad, fried mussels, artichokes, yogurt with cucumber and garlic, rice-stuffed vine leaves and raw meatballs with bulgur, a cereal food made from the cracked parboiled groats of several different wheat species."

"I feel like you could've stopped halfway through that but continued on just in a vain attempt to try and convince me." I declared, looking Lancelot dead in the eyes.

"Did, did you just say brain salad?" Himiko's face was green.

"Yeeep. Specifically, lamb's brains soaked in salted water, then placed in a saucepan with vinegar and 500 ml of water. You bring them to a simmer and poach gently for 15 minutes, until the brains are just cooked — they will be soft when you poke them with a sharp knife-"

"Alright STOP!" Oh god I feel like I'm going to gag just thinking about it, "Nope! Nope! Nope! I hereby dub this 'Mystery Food X'! What is it? No one knows! Anyone one who spoils the mystery is banned from the table! All in favor?!"

Kame and Mazero raised their hand. Himiko ran out of the room midway Lancelot's explanation, but I guess the retching sounds counted as a yes. Even if the waiter was giving us a dirty look. Fuck that guy. I may be half-taiken but even I don't go that extreme with my food! Wait, did I say half-taiken instead of half-chinese? God I've been here too long.

"Fine, fine. More for me then." Lancelot pouted slightly. "Now, the drinks. Since we're all underage here I left out the alcoholic beverages, but we have: bitter coffee, a molasses-like syrup obtained after condensing juices of fruit must, black tea, a cold savory yogurt-based beverage mixed with salt and Hardaliye, a fermented beverage produced from grapes, crushed mustard seeds and sour cherry leaves. Amazing, isn't it?"

I stared at her. I really stared at her. The message was clear. I think she was suppressing a tear. I'm really sorry for making you cry!

"Ugh..." Himiko walked back into the room, rubbing what looked like mint on her teeth. "Trying to make me eat such disgusting... the indignity... Is it safe now?"

"Should be. Probably. Maybe. I'm not the best one to judge food." I turned to the other two occupants of the table. "What do you guys think?"

"Very strong flavors. Best to not eat alone." Kame said. "Full of energy for day of hard work."

"The smell is exotic!" Mazero took a deep sniff. "Oh, what about bread?"

"I'm happy you asked!" Lancelot beamed. "Now, Macedonian cuisine has several types of bread, some of them can even be found in a single city. First is Bazlama, a single-layered, flat, circular and leavened bread with a creamy yellow color. Then we have Gözleme, a traditional savory flatbread and pastry dish filled with various toppings. Kattama, fried layered bread. And finally Boortsog, a fried dough food made with flour, yeast, milk, eggs, margarine, salt, sugar, and fat. They go well with soups, tea and sweet things for dessert."

I glanced at the table, eyes glazing over the food. Sure the pastries, and uh, mysterious food x would catch someone else's attention and I probably sounded like a colossal asshole right about now but none of it looked too appetizing. And there's so much stuff as well! Drinks, food, suspiciously placed bowl of fruit of good and evil, brea-

"Fuck!" I shouted, snatching the bowl of devil fruit off the table. I've had enough of these to last me five lifetimes thank you very much! "Who the hell put this here?!"

"Kamehameha!" The green-haired, sun-tanned girl enthusiastically raised a hand like a child eager to please the teacher.

"Whhhhhhhhhhy!" I groaned, "I'm not the only ones who saw what these things did to Archimedes and Diogenes right?"

"Is that problem?" She cutely tilt her head. "I always have one ready for meal. Common courtesy."

"Every meal? Wait, just how many of these have you eaten?!" I glanced at her in abject horror, "What do you know?"

"Uh? Kamehameha knows many things." She assumed a thinking pose. "Like, I know plants need light to grow nice and strong. And water, air, nutrients, the right temperature, space and time. So you need to choose the right place and the right season-"


Much, much later


"-And that's why, despite humans and plants using the same nucleotides and the same double helix's DNA structure, we so different!" The green-haired girl beamed before swallowing the last piece of food in her plate.

"That sounds about right?" I glanced to the rest of the table. Lancelot was consuming the food, while the other two occupants of the table. Both of them had long since stopped paying attention and looked more like the aftermath of one of a certain monk's lectures. "Not really what I meant when I asked what you know but hey, cool, glad to know I'm not literally the only human left on this earth that knows what DNA is. It's weird but cool."

"Nature great teacher! You only need to learn how to listen."

That was when a Zipang soldier, who in an effort to stave off the heat was only wearing a white shirt and short pants, walked inside the restaurant. He briefly looked around before making a beeline for our table. "Lord Miyafuji, lady Himiko. I bring news."

I blinked, "Okay on a scale of one to ten how bad is it because I'm pretty sure half of the heroes at this table here are dizzy from knowledge."

"One, my Lord. A delegation arrived from the nearby city-state of Babylonia, they said they want to meet their new neighbors."

"Right, time to king shit then I guess." With a sigh I stood up from the table, still having not eaten anything, before plucking my adopted(?) sister up. "You guys enjoy the meal. Oh! And don't just leave Mazero lying there."

"Got it!" Lancelot cheerfully replied before turning to the waiter. "Excuse me, can I have seconds?"

"Ma'am, you and your friends - but mostly you - ate everything we had stored." Faced with Lancelot's sad expression the man faltered. "...I'll ask the chef."

====

"Heyo!" I shouted, bursting open the door to the meeting room, Himiko by my side."Was thinking of shouting 'Somebody once told me' but I think that would be too on the nose. Anyways someone reminded me I was a king so here I am!"

Nobu and Yoshi facepalmed at the same time. Even their groans were synchronized. Kublai, Marco and Sun were also there, though they seemed content to watch for now.

"Oh, it seems there is some truth in the rumors." Woah woah woah holy shit. How am I supposed to describe this chick? She was, uh, very green. Like, super green. Green clothing, green hat, green hair. The things that weren't green were the chains? That she had on? Is it supposed to be a fashion statement or a religious thing? I dunno man. I also could barely see her face through the dumb visor she had on. Like okay listen, they look exactly like a pair of sunglasses, but dumber. I was half expecting her to start finger blasting us at any moment. "Greetings, King of Zipang. It is a pleasure to meet you for the first time. I am Hammurabi, the governor of Babylonia."

"Uh yeah, hi." My head whipped towards Sun, glanced at Marco, before turning back to her. "Okay is that particular hair color common or did a green haired genghis khan happen and I didn't know about it?"

"I wouldn't say it's common, but neither is it rare. More like uncommon." The Taika strategist answered. "Of course, the exact percentage varies depending on the region. Right, Marco?"

"Hmph, why are you asking me? But I suppose you're correct, since only us Polo had green hair back in Venice." The ex-explorer, now spy, commented.

"Is the color of my hair an object of interest to you, King of Zipang?" Hammurabi asked with sincere curiosity.

"Well back where I'm from the only hair colors anyone could have without dying their hair was black, brown, blonde, red, and sometimes white. I don't exactly know how hair colors work around here ya know? Oh but don't ask where I'm from. It's complicated… and no longer in this world." Memories of a familiar but changed Hawaiian island popped up into my head. Where the streets and city that I grew up in had been taken over by nature, not a single trace of the world I once lived in existing. I shook my head of the thoughts before sighing. "Great, most of my nicknames for Marco focused on her green hair. Now I need to think of something more specific."

Said girl sneered at me before going back to quietly worship Kublai. Meanwhile, the taller and greener woman slightly lowered her head. "I apologize, it was not my intention to drag up painful memories."

"Why are you here, then?" Yoshi demanded. "From what I heard Babylonia is a country that doesn't concern itself with the outside world."

"Like I said, I merely wished to meet our new neighbors. The king of Macedonia tried to conquer us several times, I would like to know if this will continue or if I can finally give my soldiers their deserved vacations." The governor smoothly replied.

"You give your soldiers a vacation?" Nobu asked.

"Wait, we don't?!" I asked, whipping my head in her direction. "Isn't that like, really bad for morale?"

"We give leaves, not vacations. There's a difference." Yoshi explained. "Most soldiers are farmers and other kinds of basic workers during peace times. A leave allows them to continue working on their livelihoods even during war times."

"That is true for many countries, yes. Not for Babylonia." Hammurabi replied. "Among us being a soldier is a full-time occupation that began with training and last until resignation or retirement."

"How do you handle the logistics?!"

"Through careful planning."

"Mmh. Fair enough." I shrugged, "Anyways, right, conquering. Um, it's uh, it's kind of a complicated subject. I'm kinda like, contractually obligated to? And not with like a human I mean like a higher power akin to a god designated me to do it. Well to be more specific the goal was that I 'unify humanity' and honestly that's so vague that if we can find an alternative solution that doesn't involve a war I could like, run it by him and see if that checks out?"*

"...Interesting. While I will require further proof to be fully persuaded, I shall not context your claims for now. I am still your guest, after all." Hammurabi nodded. "It is a tragic reality that, in this world, strength is necessary to enact change. But there is a great difference between strength and violence, one that may take an entire life to realize. King of Zipang, let me ask you a question: what does being a ruler mean to you?"

"Ooh you're asking all the complicated questions aren't you?" I tapped my chin while shaking my head, thinking. "Well the textbook answer would be that a ruler is simply the person who is in charge of something, but it's always a bit more complicated than that isn't it? From a personal definition, everyone has their own idea of what a Ruler is, and that usually shows with how they rule. Some rule through strength, some rule through fear, some through popularity, and some through just being born lucky, but I suppose you're looking for how I see ruling right?"

Hm, how to answer this…

"From my point of view, in regards to the circumstances that have led me to becoming the King of Zipang, a Ruler is one of trust. It is the one singular person who all the citizens place their trust in with hopes that they guide them to a better future. From a young age, I never dreamed about becoming a king, but eventually I found myself unsheathing the sword Kusanagi no Tsurugi and suddenly everyone was electing me to be king. They put their trust and faith in me, so I have to step up you know?" I tilted my head. "People who think that the strongest is the most naturally fit to rule are kind of fools. Sure the strongest may cause change and chaos, but somebody who can't control the ripples in the pond will just cause the whole thing to turn into a distorted mess. Kings only have their power because of the faith their subjects place in them. There is no natural law of this world that just because a king is in power means they have to stay in power. Nothing prevents people from rising up and rebelling. But they don't, because they believe that having the ruler continue to rule would be best."

Ah crap I'm getting a bit long winded, needed to sum this up. "I guess what I'm trying to say is that a ruler is someone who serves the people. While from the surface it may seem like the other way around, nobody will willingly give a king power who doesn't have their best interest at heart."

"Oh my... Your words were honest and beautiful." The green-haired, green-clothed woman smiled. "You're right, I wanted to understand how you see ruling. And I like what I heard."

She gracefully stood up, her chains clinking slightly. "I have accomplished everything I planned for today. With your permission, I shall now take my leave."

"Already? You come here out of the blue, ask some questions and then just leave?" Nobu asked with an annoyed face.

"I apologize if my actions are confusing, but I assure you I have my reasons." She turned to me and bowed. "Young king of Zipang: when the time is right we shall meet again. Until then I will pray you never lose your way. Farewell."

"'Aight. Try not to get destabilized or destroyed by the conspiracy aiming for world chaos!" I waved.

"...That went... alright?" Himiko muttered once Hammurabi was out of sight. "Seriously, what did she want?"

"Sounds to me she was testing the waters." Nobu commented. "Babylonia is famous because it has maintained a strictly defensive policy of non-aggression since before recorded history. As a result, they have never been conquered by another country."

"But even with such a policy in play they need to be ready for possible aggression." Yoshi nodded. "I don't think she has hostile intentions, but she's definitely planning something."

"Jeez guys, a bit overthinking this much aren't you?" I groaned, "Sure, you're looking at this from a military and diplomatic perspective, but you aren't really taking into account the kind of person she is. Her main goal in coming here was obviously to test me and see what type of ruler I am. It's not like that question came out of nowhere."

I tapped my finger on the table as I tried to sum up what I learned in that brief encounter, "For one thing, she's obviously someone who values peace a great deal. It may seem odd to give soldiers a vacation, but it was clearly something that genuinely mattered to her. In fact, to her, we probably seem like the weird ones. Secondly, she carries herself in a sort of vibe similar to Ashoka, Jeanne, and Sanzou but like, actually kinda legit. Her words obviously were meant to carry a lot of weight, so she strikes me as the type to be a sort of profound thinker."

I paused, "Er, to sum it up, I don't think we need to worry that much. Like she said, when the time is right, we'll meet again. I've offered a more peaceful solution then just outright conquering them so all we need to do is prove our cause is legit and I don't think we have to worry about anything from them."

"...That would be an ideal scenario. But considering our past experiences it doesn't raise my hopes much." Yoshi sighed softly. "I will consider it a small grace that we are not going to fight a two-fronts war. The logistics to and from Macedonian lands continue to be hard."

"I have a solution for that." Sun took out her customary stick and tapped the table. "We need to restore the Silk Road."

"Isn't it the road we took to come here?" Kublai spoke for the first time.

"The general direction, yes. But the true Silk Road was a network of trade routes that connected the East and West. Sadly, according to my information the various structures that facilitated those trade routes have fallen in disarray following India's corruption problems and Macedonia's conquering streak. If we restore and put it under our control the gains will be amazing!"

"More money?!" Himiko stood up and slammed her hands on the table, eyes shining.

"More money!" Nobu declared as she imitated Himiko.

"Shame I don't know how to react here." I shook my head, "Something something that's very cash money of you I dunno."

Real shame material wealth doesn't entice me that much. Real shame.

There was a knock on the door. Before anyone could answer it opened, and Lucy slithered inside. "Reddie fell asleep after pretty much writing an entire book and half the walls. The doctor doesn't expect her to wake up until next week, Dog Girl is watching over her."

"Well did she give the book a cool title?" I asked, partially because that was the first question to pop into my head.

"Katoptron Katho Phlegon." The red snake answered. Then paused, as if carefully considering his words. "Boy, are you familiar with the expression [Imma firing mah' lazer]?"

"Excuse me we came from the same time period right?" I asked, "Because I need to know if you're like two decades behind on memes. Also… Oh god she didn't."

"I'm several thousands of years old, my memory isn't perfect. And yes, she did." He shrugged. "Well, for now it's merely a siege weapon that only works during summer. Also, it needs four Brave-using individuals to operate. But if those conditions are set? I doubt there is anything in the world capable of not turning to ash."

"Uh… fuck." I turned over to the rest of the table before rubbing the back of my head. "Whoopsie, I just destroyed the balance of war forever. I swear I only did this for conspiracy theories."

Nobu had a hungry expression on her face, slowly licking her lips. "Tell me more."

"Down you." Yoshi bobbed the pink-haired woman on the head with her sheathed sword. "The same is true for the rest of you. Let's handle this like responsible adults."

"Muahahaha!!" Himiko laughed. "Burn! Buuurn!"

"How to restore the balance of war when someone does something both revolutionary and moronic." Sun muttered as she wrote. "Now to shorten it..."

"Can you ride it?" Kublai asked, looking totally serious. Marco was swooning, as usual.

"Okay so um, to put this into perspective, you know what items that are 'blessed with the sun' or something are? Usually they have like a neat little magical fire or just stronger thing going?" I rubbed my head. Oh what the hell have I done? "This is not that. This is, to put it bluntly, actually throwing the sun at people. Now I'm pretty sure this goes against several rules of war so uh, fuck I don't want to use the super murder death ray thank you very much."

Think think think...

I turned over to the snake. "Listen when Archimedes wakes up, if she remembers anything, tell her to make it less killy but more compact and portable as a trade off. Hide the documents some place where no one, and I mean absolutely no one, would ever look. I don't care if this means on the tip of Mount Everest or up your ass, never bring those documents out until the absolute worst case scenario. Got it?"

"Got it. I may be associated with sin but, by my bloody hell, I take responsibility for my actions." Lucy answered seriously. "I'll take the Vimana and see if some places I remember still exist."

His tail slid inside and pointed at Nobu. "Don't give me that look Pinkie. Stick with muskets, you'll enjoy them a lot more."

"BUUURN!!!"

"And someone please snap Shortie over here out of her delusions!"

====

Notes:

Alex: This reminds me of Indian mythology, where various demigods tossed magical nukes at each other.

Chen: This fucker made me write an impromptu speech about kings with absolutely no warning!

Alex: And you did great with only a short amount of time. Did you ever consider a political career?

Chen: I'm already king. Hell no.

 

[Alexander]

Chapter 51: Make A Man Out Of You

====

After Satan left to find a, hopefully, completely secure and foolproof hiding place for the super murder death ray's projects, we left for Damascus to finally meet Alexander face to face. Again.

Diogenes asked me to offer her regards to her teacher, Aristotle, and humbly request that she forgive her and Archimedes for losing without even lifting a finger. Which, I mean, yeah fair, but also I'm pretty sure the giant boar made that understandable. Also they totally got a better deal out of that then we did.

Regardless, we finally made it to the city of Damascus, which I'm pretty sure a certain Rick Roll fucked me over into thinking was a form of currency. It was... I mean it was a city I guess. It had walls, buildings, and mountains but I grew up in Hawaii so you know, I'm not really impressed.

"I'd ask Lancelot if they had some sort of impressive food to compensate but-" I cut myself off with a shiver. "Yeah. No. Macedonian food is a very local dish."

"I don't know about the local food, as Lancelot-dono is a greater expert than I could ever be, but if you want, my Lord, I can tell you about the Damascus Steel that first became famous in this city." Maragi told me.

I snapped my fingers. "Oh! That's why it sounds familiar! Wait what was that famous for? Was it the mirror laser thing- No that was us crap. Is it a coin? I think they use it to make coins."

"They also use it to make coins, as Damascus Steel is more valuable than gold and silver, but it is weaponsmithing where it truly shines. While in Baghdad I came into possession of a small Damascus blade."

She took out a small knife blade without a hilt and presented it to me.

I blinked, "Holy shit that looks cursed."

Have you ever seen that cliche hypnosis black and white rings? The entire knife was like that. I wondered if I could actually call it craftsmanship because it looked so natural, as if the knife just existed like that. The wavy pattern on the metal reminded me of a tree ring, but it was so chaotic and fiddly that my eyes started to spin.

"It's like someone turned the 70s into a weapon you could stab someone with." I stated as I tried to avert my eyes. "It's psychedelic incarnate what the fuck."

"I assure you, my Lord, it is not cursed." Maragi stated simply. "You can tell it's Damascus Steel by the distinctive patterns of banding and mottling reminiscent of flowing water, or in a 'ladder' or 'teardrop' pattern. Blades such as this one are extremely tough, resistant to shattering and capable of being honed to a sharp, resilient edge. Damascus Steel is made from Wootz Steel, which is imported from India, but the technique to work it is a closely-guarded secret. I am afraid my esteemed local colleagues will sooner kill themselves and their own families before revealing it to someone not initiated into their society. Even if that someone is the ruler of the country."

"Alrighty then…" I mumbled, slowly taking the blade out of my personal blacksmith's hands before an idea struck me. With a slight grin on my face, I took Kusanagi out of its sheath and pressed the two blades together. "Eat it. It will make you stronger."

Naturally, all I got in response was a blast of heat from my sword that caused me to yelp.

"I do not believe feeding knives to a sword is a good method to strengthen it. A diet rich with iron is healthy, yes, but humans and swords are not the same thing." Maragi said with a completely serious tone. "There are some eccentrics that disagree, but I cannot speak in their place."

"Are you done dilly-dallying?" Nobu drawled. "Because we have a battle to fight."

"Silly Nobu, the fight is the dilly-dallying!" I exclaimed, wagging my finger before pausing. "Also I think we're just waiting on them now."

"Uhm..." Sun shielded her face from the sun with one hand and squinted her eyes. After a few moments she raised the other and made a series of quick gestures. "Either they want to parley or ask us to go drinking together. Could be either, the accent is horrible."

Apparently it was the former, because we soon saw a familiar crime against fashion running towards us... while carrying someone?

"Wahahahaha!!"

"Put me down! You put me down right now young lady or I swear I-Eeek!"

"Great!" Nobu slapped a hand over her face. "More comedy."

Alexander came to a sudden stop, large jets of sand spraying on both sides, and put down her passenger, who stumbled a bit from the unexpected change in speed. Well the person in question was a brunette with a ponytail and fairly obviously an adult woman. She had a similar kind of mascara around her eyes that Seimei does and her outfit was quite similar to Sun Zu, being a long blue dress that, for some fucking reason, was puffed up like a big baloon.

"So close to not being a fashion disaster, if only her skirt didn't defy gravity." I shook my head before patting Sun. "I think you pull off the teacher look better."

I dunno what it was, probably her cherry red lips, but something about her face made me want to punch it. The smug aura mocked me. Well, not so smug with how Alexander was treating her.

"Thank you. I mean, please don't pat my head as if I'm a child but thank you." Sun replied with a half-annoyed tone.

"Alexander! I'm perfectly capable of walking by myself!" The tall brunette chastised the walking fashion-disaster. "You don't need to carry me like a sack of potatoes."

"But Teacher, you can't run with those heels. Not to mention that poofy dress you like so much even though it makes you steamy all day." Alexander laughed. "You should walk around in only your underwear just like me! Collecting a harem of fine men would be child's play!"

"I'm not doing such a thing!" The other woman shrieked. "And what do you mean with 'harem'?! Where did you learn those things?"

"From Pops! He said harems are a great thing, because if one has a headache you can just go for another." Alexander then scratched her head. "Though I never understood what headaches have to do with harems."

"They have nothing to do with each other!"

"What's this, a comedy skit? A boke and tsukkomi?" Himiko muttered in disbelief, and I hated that I understood what that meant. "Am I supposed to laugh?"

"Oh god why did they have to talk about this in public..." I groaned, putting a hand on my face as I felt blood rush to my cheeks. That was, before an idea struck me. Putting on my most suspicious face, I cocked a raised eyebrow to a certain pink haired commander and her 'european' style. "So, a harem of fine men huh?"

"I don't like what you're implying, brat." Nobu growled.

"That's right!" Surprisingly Himiko came to Nobu's re- "In Nobunaga's case it would be a harem of sex slaves!"

Never mind.

"WHAT?!"

"With ropes. And candles. And long, big smooth objects that can't possibly fit but will do anyway because she pours slimy stuff all over it and-"

The pink-haired commander calmly gave her musket to a nearby soldier before leaping at Himiko.

"I... I have no words." Yoshitsune rubbed her forehead as the two childhood friends rolled shrieking, one in anger and the other with panic. "I really have no words."

"This is simultaneously the most embarrassing conversation I've had in my life, and also the most hilarious." I couldn't meet anyone's eyes, both because my face was currently bright red and because I was hunched over laughing. The next sentence I spoke was extra loud though. "I have to wonder. If we asked Goemon to search through Himiko's stuff, would we find some secret, special, grown-up stuff?"

"NO!" Himiko shouted.

"YES!" Nobu howled.

"Probable." Yoshitsune muttered. "No need to trouble Goemon, I'll check it myself."

"Everything I'm hearing is so worth recording." Sun chuckled. "Hey Magoroku, do you know some appropriate sword jokes?"

"Several, but I was told I'm not good at comedy." Maragi nodded. "Something about my face and voice always being out of place."

"Quick! Tell them to me! Nobody takes me seriously anyways!" I gestured for the woman to whisper in my ear.

"As you command, my Lord. The first one is an old classic told from old teachers to young and enthusiastic students." She whispered in my ear. "Teacher, said the student, I am about to invent a circular sword. But my student, replied the teacher, what's the point?"

I turned to face Maragi, expression blank. "No. Nope. No. That is neither situationally appropriate or- Okay so it's kinda clever but, no. Really, jokes are like the blades of comedy. And that joke has no point."

"Impressive swordplay, my Lord." Maragi actually smiled. "Then maybe you'll appreciate this one more. The blacksmith says: 'I'm almost done with this sword, I just need to work out the kinks.' In response the sword says: 'Hit me more!'."

"I, uh, wait how do you know-" I shook my head. "No. No. I'm not thinking of how Tumblr transcends time and space, lord knows Jeff Bezzo having done that with Amazon is enough already. Uh, hey Alexander!"

"Yes cousin?" She replied, still laughing as the brunette teacher waved her hands with an indignant expression. "Oh, Teacher said I need more proof before declaring someone's family. I'm sure she's worrying about nothing, but maybe you can reassure her?"

"My worries are legit!" Said teacher protested.

"Uh, just for the record, that was something Alexander decided on. Not me trying to trick her or something." I shrugged. "It happened because I know about the whole story of the maze, the Minotaur, think his name was Arsterios or something? Anyways the one with the golden thread. If knowing that's all it takes then we're siblings of knowledge at the very least."

"See, Teacher?! He even knows the name of great-great..." Alexander stopped and started counting off her fingers. After a short while she gave up. "Great-something grandfather! Nobody else in Macedonia knows it."

"The legend of Theseus and the Minotaur is widely popular in Greece!" The brunette protested.

"Really?! You mean I have lots of relatives in Greece?!"

"Alexander, I know you're brighter than this so please stop hearing only what you want!"

"I get the feeling you guys aren't really listening to me so I'll just start spouting off nonsense." I coughed. "You see, when you look at a relative, you know it's a Relative. I'm a relative, Alexander's a relative, Himiko's a relative, you're probably a relative if we look hard enough. Therefore, there must be some perfect relative, in a perfect world, that everyone uses to recognize what's a relative. Etc. Etc. Thank you for coming to my TED talk."

Meanwhile, two soldiers talked with one another. "Aren't we supposed to, you know, fight now?"

"Yeah, but this is entertaining so let's keep watching."

====

"That never happened."

"What never happened, Teacher?"

"Nothing happened. We just got here. That's a teacher's order." The brown-haired woman, who turned out to be Aristotle herself, declared with a firm tone and eyes that promised a fierce spanking as she glared at Alexander.

"I don't get it, but alright!" Said horned girl cheerfully replied before looking at me. "Hey cousin! How are you? Ready for some hot, steamy and absolutely exhausting action?!"

"Uh, actually I got magic stuff in my armor that regulates my temperature." I admitted with a shrug. "I may be an island boy but fucking hell is it hot in Macedonia."

"Neat! I don't need it because I was born here and this is just comfortably warm for me. Does it also work with cold? Because I always wanted to visit the north but Teacher said it's so cold your blood freezes if you're not a native, so I couldn't. You can't fight the cold, I tried!"

"Oh yeah you can't fight the cold. If you could, I'd have had Jack Frost's head a long time ago." I blinked. What were we here for again? Oh right. "Anyways, fight time! I know you said you wanted to fight all the strongest warriors of Zipang but do you mind if we hold back a bit? I feel like using a God-Made-Boar last time was kinda cheating and also I fed Archimedes a magic apple and she broke war so hard we had to ban it from the meta."

"I only understood a little of what you said, but that's alright! See, I thought about it." Why did everyone on my side look skeptical? "See, my dream is to see the far-off places of the world and tour ruins with Teacher. And I heard Zipang's goal is to conquer the whole world. So if I win you guys join me and we go out conquering the rest of the world! And if by any chance I lose I join your guys and still get to conquer the world! It's a WIN-WIN! Wahahaha! After all I'm the Champion of Conquest! You can't conquer the world without me! It's LOGIC!"

Wow. She said logic so forcefully that I was almost convinced it actually was. Though I feel if we compare our track records, I would actually be more eligible for the Champion of Conquest.

"Eh, sure. That's a loose approximation of logic." I shrugged. "So how do you want to do this? Every hero all at once? Every hero all at once plus the godly treasures we pulled from treasure hunts? 1v1 final destination, no items, fox only? You got a lot of options here cus."

"The first! Definitely the first! Oooh, I'm so excited my spear is shaking!" She raised her weapon, showing that, yes, her spear was shaking. Her hands too. "My stick has never been so hard!"

"One day, I'll find out who is teaching you this stuff..." Aristotle darkly muttered under her breath. "One last question if you will, King of Zipang. How are my students, Archimedes and Diogenes, doing?"

"Well Archimedes kinda had an existential crisis after I asked her to go through all her memories. Perfect memory backfires when you've existed more than once ya see? Then she decided to take a bite of the forbidden fruit, went into an inventing fugue state, and probably understands light better then any human on the planet right now." I paused. "Oh and I think Diogenes is fine. She was going to eat the magic apple as well but after Archimedes did uh, that I don't know if she took the plunge into how the universe works. I mean I know you philosophers think it's your job to see into the perfect world of ideas buuuuuuuut there's a reason knowledge can be considered a curse. Also, they still haven't been able to keep their pants, for reasons I cannot comprehend."

"Their chronic lack of skills related to money is one cause, I'm still working out the rest." Aristotle sighed. "Still, it sounds par for the course when those two are involved. I'll check on the later and see if they need remedial lessons."

"Want a hand? I am quite good at making remedial lessons." Sun interjected. "Name's Sun Tzu, nice to meet you."

"Ah, the famous strategist from the Taika Empire. It's an honor." The brunette offered a polite bow. "It'll be a pleasure to put my strategies against yours. Now Alexander, if you would be so kind."

"Sure thing, Teacher!" She raised her spear high in the air. "Now, to the distant ends of the Earth!"

Brave exploded out of her, blowing backward in the form of golden particles like grains of sand. They swept over the assembled troops, infusing them and igniting their own Brave.

"As long as our chests beat with ambition for the far horizon, the campaign shall never end. Raise your cries of war! AAAALaLaLaLaLaie!!"

"AAAALALALALALAIE!!!" The thousands of now-empowered troops repeated the war-cry, their voice so loud they buffeted us like strong wind.

"Uh… Fuck." I declared before gripping the sword on my hip twice. "Alright guess I'm going to have to use that. Hold on what was the chant again-"

Kusanagi vibrated menacingly at my side. "Jeez! I'm kidding! Ahem! Feel the Brave in me and… Henceforth, I am the God-Slaying Blade."

Looking back, this chant was kind of embarrassing. Still, I cribbed it from the woman who taught me everything I knew- Okay not everything- It was mostly just her beating me up but- still. I couldn't not say the chant. I rarely use it often, but the fires that formed greeted me like an old friend as a warrior of divine fury formed in the sky above. "Take form! Tsumugari no Tachi!"

"Hetairoi! Now advance! To victory!" Alexander yelled one final time before making a beeline towards me, the rest of the troops following in her wake. Meanwhile Aristotle has retreated to stand before several units of archers, issuing several orders while waving her riding crop.

"Ah! It's Lu's favorite tactic!" Sun exclaimed. Her face turned deadly pale before becoming cheerful again. "I've built a resistance to headaches! Chen, keep Miss Fashion Disaster busy for the moment, I'll direct the rest of our troops!"

"I have the ANTI-ARMY technique going and you want me to fight the-" I cut myself off with a curse. "Nope, fuck. I get it. Hey Alexander! Giant Sword Crash!"

I wasn't sure why I felt the need to name the, uh, giant sword of fire that slashed into the ground but you know what it's fine.

Alexander dodged it. I already knew she was fast, but the way she effortlessly weaved between gouts of flames and superheated sand - was that glass? - like a technicolor blur drove home that last time was nowhere near her best. Her troops were not as lucky, but a surprisingly large number of them resisted being swept again by blocking with their shields, followed by throwing their spears at the giant of fire, the light coating weapons making them look like bolts of energy.

That was when, in a moment of keen clarity, I realized why Sun asked me to fight Alexander even if TnT is an anti-army technique.

Because, right now, Alexander and her troops were so completely synchronized they were basically operating as a single entity!

"...What the fuck?" I muttered to myself as I witnessed the sight before me. In truth, that question probably applied to a good many things right now. How did Sun know about this? How the fuck did this even happen? Oh right, Brave bullshit. "All right keep calm Chen, just gotta figure this out and thiiiiiiink. You can do this, you gotta big brain uh uh-"

Hey question, how do you devise a tactic for a humanoid cluster of single celled organisms? All right first things first… RAMPAGE! With a loud bang I smashed my giant sword into their numbers, aiming to cause as much chaos as possible.

The spears-turned-bolts-of-light pelted the giant of fire: individually they were not enough to inflict more than a scratch, but their sheer numbers put up a pressure I distinctly felt though my connection with the giant. As the giant sword descended once again the troops reacted slightly better than before, dodging in advance or interlocking their shields to spread the force of the impact as much as possible.

"Not bad! Not bad at all! Wahahahah!" Alexander laughed as she ran even closer. One soldier raised his shield, allowing her to jump over it and leap into the air. "You can get harder than this, right?! Because I am so hard right now I could EXPLODE!!!"

With those completely inappropriate words she twirled the spear in her hand. Grasping it in reverse she pulled her arm back before tossing the weapon straight at TnT's face. If her soldiers' spears were like bolts of light, Alexander resembled nothing less than a lightning bolt of pure, cracking Brave.

"Bwahahaha." I responded as my jaw felt the phantom shocks of actual lightning. Okay! So! New plan! TnT is uh, wonderfully ineffective at fighting the Wonderful 101 here. What would Sun do in this situation- No, what would Lu Bu do?

… Probably not what I'm thinking but Alexander rides her men like horses. They stop and go at her orders, and if you've ever seen a movie ever, you know a hive mind like that has one weakness. As the Macedonian Warrior began to land, I called upon the technique literally shoved into my skull and burned in my brain. "GO-SHINTAI!"

I still fucking hate this technique, but the giant soldier armored my body like an old friend. A friend that was very fucking bright because wearing an armor made of fire is bad for your eyes. "Hey! Alexander! Come here! Ole!"

"Oooh! You can do that?! Neat!" With a flash of lighting Alexander's spear returned to her arms. "Alright boys, make a circle for us and keep everyone's out! This is now a duel!"

"DUEL! DUEL!" The Macedonian soldiers chanted as they quickly set around me and Alexander, shields locking together like a turtle to create a giant ring of metal that separated us from the rest of the battlefield.

Above the air was full of arrows and spells shooting everywhere, the light green of what I was mostly sure was Sun's Brave clashing with the azure one of someone else. Probably Aristotle.

"Now! Winner or loser! This decides everything!" Alexander shouted lines you could find in a fighting videogame. Holding her spear with both hands she shot towards me. "DUEL ON!"

"It's time to get your game on!" Ugh, way to get my lame on. Why did I have to quote that now, stupid impulse mouth. "Now I'm just going to say I have one and only one strategy and if that doesn't work then I'm just going to be doing random shit for the rest of the fight!"

"What a coincidence, so do I! We really are cousins! Wahahaha!" She thrusted her spear at me, the sharp blade-like head aimed at my chest. With a quick footwork, I shifted my body to do a smooth rotation around the thrust before… sheathing my blade.

Now, here's a fun fact. Annoyingly, I had to look up at Alexander. Why? Because she was taller than me. Then again, a lot of heroes were taller than me. Lu Bu, Kublai… Ignoring my slight complex about that, it actually gave me an advantage here as I proceeded to be a little shit and dash into her personal space, avoiding the spear thrusts as I used Brave to boost my speed. Fire followed my trail as I got up close and personal with Alexander before I proceeded to reach up, grab the girl's horns, and slam my forehead into hers.

That's right. Go-Shintai was used for no other purpose than padding as I proceeded to use her horns as handle bars to smash her skull into mine.

"Ooouch! Close quarters, my only weakness!" Alexander cried out from the, rather devastating, headbutt. Her large forehead was both burned and bleeding, and so close I could now see she had a red card club's symbol painted (tattooed?) over it. "Toooootally random idea!"

She dropped her spear and wrapped her arms around me, yellow Brave covering them in a protective sheen.

Then she started squeezing. That was the first problem. To illustrate this issue, allow me to put some numbers to the facts. I'm 5'6 inches. Alexander is 5'9 inches, so when she decided to hug me tightly my head uh…

"Mmmh!" I shouted in suffocation.

"Mmmh?" Alexander repeated with a puzzled tone. Luckily for me she was not as physically strong as she was fast, but it still took some effort to fight back her grasp. "I don't get it."

With a Brave-fueled by human survival instincts, desperation, and a shit ton of embarrassment, strength and power coursed through my arms and I quickly shoved the Macedonian leader away. My body, squeezed of it's natural strength, quickly dropped to the floor with a thud but my mind was still in a flustered panic as I pulled myself to my feet and shouted at the top of my lungs. "'Mmmh' translates to DON'T PUSH ME INTO YOUR GODDAMN BREASTS!"

Go-Shintai had already burned away it, and my face was still red hot. My hand covered it in embarrassment but I swore anime land had made smoke come out of my ears.

"My breasts? What's wrong with my breasts?" She poked at her chest in confusion, only for her face to light up in understanding a moment later. "It's because they're soft, isn't it? While you prefer hard and firm! I get it, I get it: after all, I feel the same! Wahahaha!"

Having once again completely missed the point Alexander reached out with a hand, lightning-like brave flickering over her skin-

And then abruptly fizzling out. The horned woman's body swayed a little before falling down on one knee. "Oeeeh? Oh man, I'm out of Brave! Usually Teacher gives me some more before it happens… Ah, it's because she's too busy now that I am not focusing all the enemy's attention to myself. What a blunder!"

Still laughing Alexander forced herself back to her feet. "That was short but intense. Hey cousin, I don't think I can use any more techniques. Want to resolve this with our fists and celebrate with a drink afterward?"

Don't get mad don't get mad don't get mad...

"Firstly, I don't drink. Secondly, allow me to introduce you to Hawaiian Boxing. You see first you get ready..." I forced a smile on my face before I quickly dashed towards Alexander and through a right hook right to her face. "And then you take turns hitting each other until one gives up!"

Incidentally this was a real Hawaiian tradition, Kamehameha was quite good at it. Some may consider it brutal, but please remember that these are the people who take paths of sharp rocks formed from lava and use it as a sledding trail for sports.

"Oooh, sounds fun! Let me try!" Alexander tanked my hook before answering with a straight punch to my face. "Wahahaha!!!"

In the end she was knocked out first, marking it as my victory. I quickly joined her in the arms of Morpheus, my face feeling like it had been battered by a rain of tennis balls.

Alexander the Great is one helluva fast woman.

====

Notes:

Alex: When they say that true men speak with their fists…

Chen: Uppercut! Uppercut! Dodge Dodge! Left right left right hook straight hook! I practiced boxing, remember?

Alex: Yeah. I just thought boxing involved some form of, you know, dodging?

Chen: It's Hawaiian boxing, well It's a tradition throughout Polynesia. It's a sport not a fighting style, so the name is a bit misleading. But yeah it's hardcore as shit.

 

[Alexander]

Chapter 52: Gold Experience

====

"Yo boy." Emiya greeted me, his tone betraying just the bare minimum of interest. There was nothing around us, just an endless whiteness... and a few comfortable-looking chairs. "I know the answer already, but how are you doing?"

"Feeling like I just injected pure Shonen Jumpian into my veins." I groaned. "You couldn't just fax Jeanne your message? I literally just rammed my head against the human incarnation of a bull."

"I could have, yes. It would have cost less energy too. But I prefer only you and you alone hear what I'm about to say." He looked thoughtful. "First, good job so far. The quality of life has increased in all the nations Zipang conquered, and the cultural influence is small enough the average Joe doesn't care. In short the majority is happy, and that is what matters to me."

"Tch, I should have made manga go world wide. That's the ultimate culture infection until we discover anime." I muttered, clicking my tongue.

"Possible. It doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things so go ahead if you want to." He shrugged. "Next, you may have noticed your rapid growth has slowed down by a noticeable margin: that's because you're strong enough to have a good chance against your recent opponents, so the metaphorical pressure for improvement lessened. If you want to increase it again you'll need to fight against someone able and willing to disembowel you. Those are the rules of evolution, I'm afraid."

"So you're saying... I need to start throwing myself against animals?" I lifted a few fingers, "The God Animals, the Sea Monsters, the gigantic sand whales in the desert..."

"That's an option. Not many works of the gods were left after they kicked the bucket, and most of the so-called Monsters live far away from human civilization: like normal animals they have no real reason to leave their territory as long as it can provide them with food and shelter. I predict few cases in which force will be required, but they're manageable. Now, creatures like Gullinbursti and Heidrún are god-made so I can learn about them only through observation, but they don't have a long track record of causing troubles. Again, manageable and not very relevant in the grand scheme of things."

He pauses briefly, face frowning in something resembling distaste. "Now, what Babylonia is protecting is a completely different matter. In fact, I don't exaggerate when I call it a natural disaster with a too-easy-to-pull trigger."

"Uh..." If there was a step to take back, then I at least attempted to do so. "So is that, um, something I'm not supposed to go telling everyone the moment I wake up? Because I'm pretty sure at this point that it's common knowledge I tell people everything."

"Like I said, I prefer you're the only one to hear what I have to say from beginning to end. So I can explain everything without people jumping to conclusions midway." The tanned man sighed. "Since ancient times Babylonia is protecting the home of two of the last true god-blooded left in the world: Great Heroes of Antiquity, Gilgamesh and Enkidu."

"Yes I've seen Fate Stay Night that's how your current frame of existence is being made." I blinked. "Wait, Enkidu is made of clay."

"Then you understand why, having assumed this form, I cannot help but feel animosity towards the golden bastard's local version." Emiya shook his head. "And yes, clay. Not normal clay of course, but clay. Just like water is made of oxygen and hydrogen, yet it's a liquid and not a gas."

"I mean I guess if that's true then- Wait doesn't Enkidu calm down after getting laid?" I put a finger to my chin. "Something about being created to beat Gil up and then... I don't remember this at all. Was there a point to this?"

"It's a warning to let the sleeping lion lie. Hammurabi has good judgment, she'll decide when it's the right time to step aside and let you meet the two headaches." The white-haired man rubbed his forehead. "Finally, though my ability to collect relevant knowledge from the collective unconscious of mankind has become... muddled in certain area, I can say for certainty BEAST has started making waves in the American continent. By the way, those pirates you met? William Kidd and Blackbeard Teach? Their base is where Mexico would one day be. If you're interested, that's it."

"...You uh, you were there when those guys literally declared themselves to be the Illuminati right?" I coughed. "Like come on man, how out of date are you in that regard?"

"Oh, I know. I'm just using the term you coined to spite them."

"Fair enough." Maybe I should keep giving them ridiculously edgy anime names to spite them as well. "So is that all or is there anything more before I wake up to whatever bones I've cracked this time?"

"That's all. I may be cynical and always waiting for the other shoe to drop, but I can still recognize it when things are progressing in a favorable manner and thus some form of optimism is warranted." He looks at his wrist, but there's no watch. "And I would worry more about your face. I hope you don't mind liquid food and a straw for a week or two."

And with those absolutely reassuring last words I felt myself slide out of the imaginary space and back into the real world.

====

"-So I cut the whole knot! Am I smart or what? Wahahaha!" That was the first thing I heard after feeling myself waking up, my whole head wrapped in bandages and hurting as if someone repeatedly punched me in the face... Oh.

"Aim uff!" I crie- coughed as my throat burned. Slowly I pushed my upper body off the bed. "ai scant beriver tha- wowo gawh mah fasce."

"Cousin! You're finally awake!" Alexander greeted me, the horned woman also covered in bandages but with less of them around the mouth. We were in what looked like an infirmary, the few other beds occupied by soldiers. Doctors and nurses were walking back and forth, doing their jobs.

And both Seimei, Satan and Aristotle were seated around our beds, while Joan was standing rigid as a statue next to mine. I blinked, stared, gave everyone an once over again, before quietly beginning to make a gesture of a pen and paper.

"Here my king." Joan handed me a notebook and a paper. "God revealed to me you would need those objects following your awakening. Praise His holy name!"

I nodded slowly before pausing, straining my face by furling my eyebrows, before quickly jotting something down and showing it to the rest of the room. 'Alright how many of you can actually read this?'

There were two reasons for this. One, as Seimei probably knew, my handwriting was atrocious. The second... was because I both couldn't, and wouldn't, write in anything other then English at the moment. Which is a problem when everyone around you is Japanese, Macedonian, French, and of course, Heaviean. Hellian? Satan ain't a Hellspawn that's for sure.

"I can... barely." Sei answered after peering at the paper with squinted eyes, followed by a raised tail by Satan and a hand by Aristotle. Alexander just kept grinning. "Don't worry Chen-kun, you should be able to speak normally by tomorrow. You heal fast, after all."

"Faight." I finger gun- Ow my hand!

"How did things end up in a fist fight... Sadly, I know the answer." Aristotle sighed. "But that's a good thing you woke up now, King of Zipang. I would like to discuss our re-employment: Alexander, Archimedes, Diogene and, of course, myself."

'Sadly we don't give out apples of enlightenment anymore.' I scribbled out. 'Archimedes broke war forever, so I'm banning those henceforth.'

"I would have declined the offer anyway. I am strongly against the idea of increasing my intelligence through artificial means." The bespectacled woman frowned. "I thought I taught my students the importance of avoiding shortcuts. Clearly they need remedial lessons."

Aw shit now I feel bad.

"See, now that is an intelligent answer." Satan grinned. "Or one full of common sense anyway. Sadly the Old Man didn't use much of both in the Garden's creation, he was too busy making sure each leaf was symmetrical."

'Please don't blame Archimedes too much, it was mostly my fault anyways.' I hastily scribbled down. 'The goal of it wasn't to gain external intelligence but more... Internal awareness? Archimedes' perfect memory has been the biggest hint I had gotten in a long time and I thought that if I fed her the apple I might be able to get something more. I didn't realize that the apple just shoves knowledge of whatever you're thinking of the moment it kicks in into your brain. It... yeah suffice to say it didn't exactly work as intended.'

"Mh, if you intercede for her then I'll give my student a lesser punishment." Aristotles' frowning features relaxed. "Returning to the previous topic, I examined the working environment and found it both functional and easily accessible. You rule effectively by entrusting that rule to the original Heroes of the country. The gears working together in motion makes for smooth governing indeed."

"What Teacher said! Cousin, you can leave everything to her while we go visiting the distant corners of the world!" Alexander nodded quickly. "And challenge to a duel every Hero we find, even our own allies! Don't think I have forgotten our wager! Wahahaha!!"

"Alexander... At least rest and heal first. Do you know how much trouble you cause every time you just rush ahead without thinking?"

"Wahahaha! Sorry Teacher, but that's exactly because I trusted you so much that I can just rush ahead without a single worry!"

"That's sweet of you, if still troublesome..."

"Just like a single mother with a teenage daughter." Satan whispered to me with a shit-eating grin.

'Satan likes mommy MILFs noted.' I jotted down.

"I am a snake of wealth and taste. Well, not much wealth nowadays beside a few trinkets, but I can't complain."

"Mmh... Teacher. What's that book in your purse?" The bandaged fashion disaster asked with a mischievous gleam in her eyes.

"Ah, ahhh! This, this is just-" A suddenly panicking Aristotle tried to close her purse, but ended up spilling it out on the floor. "Aaaahhh!!"

"Let me help." Sei bent down to pick up the spilled content. Picking up the book she read the title and raised an eyebrow. "[100 Ways to Make Male Friends]...?"

'Hello. I am dude.' I tried to write on the paper as robotically as possible before a laugh came out of my throat. 'Well at least it isn't anything like Himiko's BDSM porn.'

"Ah, that's it!" Alexander exclaimed, unaware or just ignoring the bespectacled woman's nuclear blush. "Before you get married, first you have to make some guy friends! That's really important!"

"AAAAAHHH!" Aristotles ran out of the infirmary, screaming like a damned soul.

A few seconds later Diogenes walked in, Cynic hugged against her chest. She also had two new dogs, a black one and a white one with black spots. "Behold! I have created dog! Say hello to Physis and Nomos!"

'...Are you saying that like you somehow figured out how to make dogs or did Cynic just have kids while we weren't looking?' I blinked.

"I don't have the foggiest idea!" Cynic cried. "It's like a hangover, but worse!"

Physis and Nomos began barking like crazy, which predictably ended up with them and Diogenes kicked out of the infirmary.

====

Following a quick convalescence, aided by my own cheating abilities and the general Macedonian toughness born from shounen shenanigans, Alexander dragged us to the capital, aptly named Alexandria because she had all the naming sense of an Alexander, for a celebration party.

The city itself was... Well it was quite nice actually. Tropical, by the ocean, I was reminded a lot of Hawaii though without the towering mountains that defined the island I called home. The weather was perfect for an island boy like me, tough I admit it's sparseness when it came to trees left something to be desired. What really caught my attention though was the shining, pure, white light house that towered high up into the sky. A skyscraper for this ancient age. It had several dozen floors in length and I had to strain my neck just to see the beacon at the very top.

I stared, unable to describe what I was feeling. Wait, no, that was easy enough. "Nice."

"That's Pharos, the second Glory of Alexandria. The first, of course, is the Great Library." Aristotles answered with a proud smile. "During the day they use a mirror to signal ships. At night, they use a bonfire: the large spiral staircase inside allows donkeys to transport the necessary wood."

"A real Wonder of the World." Yoshi commented, impressed. "Ah, I see you're building an addition?"

"The plan was to build a large fort." The bespectacled woman nodded in the general direction of the dig site. "But with Zipang in control now that has become unnecessary. I'm thinking of making a museum instead. We could dedicate it to the history of your conquest and the various artifacts recovered during it."

"Okay so I know that sounds like a really intellectual idea but uh." I coughed. "Most of the things we've found so far would turn that into a military fort anyways. A spear that cracks the earth, a really good bow, a jet... Yeah um, yeah that'd be a lot of firepower to put in one building. It'd honestly be safer if we just stored the golden fleece in the building. I think that's still buried in Zipang somewhere..."

"Is that so?" She frowned slightly. "Isn't there anything with a historical value? That is not a weapon of some kind, I mean."

"Uh... I don't think so, sorry." Yoshi replied after thinking about it for a short while. "I mean, there are those ancient, perfectly cut jewels but they're our emergency funds. Sometimes we sorely need after a certain someone added two giant animals to the list of mouths we have to feed."

"I regret nothing." Lucy's head popped up from behind a wall. He was wearing a high top hat with 'Chairman' written on it. "Beside, I have been very helpful so far and I deserve a reward. Isn't that right, boy? Has this old and wise snake's knowledge not been helpful?"

"Where did you even get that hat..." I muttered in reply.

"Why, I bought it. Special order, perfectly fitted." He adjusted it with the tip of his tail.

"Alright then." I nodded. "So where are we even heading anyways?"

"To the main palace, the banquet should be ready by the time we arrive." Aristotles replied, then noticed a messenger making a hasty way towards our group. "Yes, what is it?"

"Lady Aristotles." The man saluted. "A Britannia ship has been spotted approaching the city."

"Only one?"

"Correct: they fly a white banner of peace, but ignored our signals to slow down. The only reply we received is that they're following strict orders."

"Curious." The bespectacled woman rubbed her chin. "Aside for turning down their offer we had no other interactions with Britannia so far. What could be the reason...?"

Yoshi and I shared a glance before releasing a sigh blended with a groan to create a tired smoothie. Slowly, I raised my hand awkwardly. "That... That would likely be us."

"Is that so? Would you care to enlighten me about the details?"

"Nominally, we're allies. Sort of." The ponytailed girl answered. "In practice, the Queen of Britannia has a... fixation with Chen."

"She's a nice and charming girl really and I don't find her presence annoying but uh..." I scratched the back of my head. "She is who she is?"

"A songstress in love with quote, unquote-" Satan took a deep breath. "LOOOOVE~!"

"...Never do that again." Yoshi commanded with a stoic expression, her tone dripping with disgust.

The snake disappeared while laughing his ass off.

====

"Sir Miyafuji~!" Arthur's sweet, cavity-inducing voice called out as she literally danced towards us. "Now I only need to cross the Mediterranean to see you! How wonderful~!"

"Yeeeeeaaaaaaaahhhhh..." I trailed off. "Long time no see Arthur. How're you been?"

"Uuugh, not long enough..." Himiko groaned.

"Yo Arthy!" Alexander boisterously greeted her. "Did you change your mind? Wanna fight?"

"Aaah, I counted each day I spent not being in your presence, Sir Miyafuji. But Galahad, Gawain and the rest of my knights kept me company." She smiled sweetly before bowing slightly to Alexander. "I am so very sorry Lady Alexander, but I must once again refuse. However, we can share tea together like friends."

"Honey and lemon?"

"Of course."

"Good enough for me! Wahahaha!"

"You, you came all the way here to have tea?" Himiko asked.

"To share good food and good drinks together, is that not what good friends do? It is in this manner that the light of world peace shall spread gently all over the world."

"So basically you want to just throw a party." I shrugged. "Fun."

"We were just going to have a party! Wanna join?" The horned woman asked. "You bring the tea, we bring everything else!"

"It sounds wonderful!"

Yoshi looked between Arthur and her ship, where people were still unloading stuff. "Aren't Sir Galahad and Sir Gawain with you?"

"We must hurry with the party before they catch up." Arthur hugged both mine and Alexander's arms, then started dragging us away.

"Ahhhhhgh." I let out as she pulled on my arm. "Wait are you running away from your knights?"

"Spending such a long time cuddling close together and understanding each other's hearts brings us together as one..." The blonde muttered dreamly instead of answering. "It's necessary for us now... And when thinking of the future..."

She squeezed my arm harder, pressing most of her body against me. "I believe I can walk together with you..."

"Meh! I understand others when fighting them just fine! But you're a nice gal Arthy!" Alexander picked up and hugged both of us. "Hug group!"

"Agh!" I let out. Too close too close! Too much body heat! Ah! Ah! With my heart pounding in my chest I looked past the two women to stare at Himiko in the distance. With as much mobility as I could, I reached out to her. Save your brother, sister! Save me!

"Onii-san! Don't worry, your little sister will save you!" The shrine maiden ran up to us and began pulling at my dangling feet. "Let me big brother go, you big-tittied cow! I, too, want to get in on this!"

I have made a terrible mistake.

Yoshi was resting her face in one hand and slowly shaking her head, while Alexander was blinking owlishly.

"Everyone! What is taking so long..." Aristotles approached, only to trail off as she stared at the group hug with morbid curiosity. "What are you young people doing?"

"Group hug!" Alexander enthusiastically answered.

"Why?"

"Because Arthy is a nice gal!"

"Aah, such bliss~! I can feel the love flowing through all of us." Arthus was on cloud nine. "Sir Miyafuji, if you would accept the passionate feelings that lay within my bosom..."

She squeezed my arm so hard, it was starting to become numb. "I, Arthur, will devote even a piece of my soul to you..."

"Nononono! You can't do that!" Himiko screamed. My legs felt like they were going to pop off! "You'll take him all for yourself once I let my guard down!"

I feel like, supposedly, this is the part where I'm supposed to talk about this being 'every man's dream' or something. Being surrounded by the three girls all wanting a piece of you was supposedly appealing, if one wasn't for the fact that I'm like 90% sure Alexander and Himeko are being strictly platonic or something and Arthur was just phrasing things weirdly... I hope.

Also the fact that- "Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow, stop that. Stop that. It fucking hurts."

Himiko blinked owlishly before releasing my legs. "Ah! S-Sorry..."

"Oops, sorry sorry." The horned woman put down both me and Arthur. "I forgot I shouldn't hug people at full strength unless they're big and muscular like Dad."

"Forgive me..." Arthur stopped hugging my arm, but she remained very close. "My passionate feelings for you got the better of me..."

"Okay well to answer all of you- Woah!" I cried as blood rushed back into all of my limbs and I turned into a spaghetti noodle flopping to the ground. "Anyways, breathing is fun and also I'm like 90% sure Himiko has some sort of switch inside of her."

"I don't! ...Probably. I mean, feeling worry at the sight of a bizarre girl being too close to your older brother is a perfectly normal reaction, right?" Her tone of voice was perfectly reasonable and serious, but her expression was that of someone pulling stuff out of their ass.

"Your Majesty. If I may be so bold, I have a couple of questions for you." Yoshi interrupted with a polite cough. "I sent you a few missives about the Illuminati and the fact one of your Knights, Sir Balin, was seen within their numbers. Were you able to find anything?"

Arthur suddenly fell silent, all joy absent from her face. "...Sir Balin. To tell you the truth, both her and Merlin have disappeared for a while now. They were part of an expedition Merlin organized to study some phenomenon in the Dark Continent: she was very... reticent about even the smallest detail so nobody knows what she was searching for. The last contact was when they stopped at a Britannian outpost to resupply, since then it's like their ship simply vanished."

"Oh fuck the Illuminati might have Merlin." I sighed as I picked myself off the ground. "Okay um, we don't know that for a fact so there's a nonzero chance Merlin might have just been turned into a tree for a fling gone wrong. On the other hand, if I'm assuming the Dark Continent is some very cheesy name for America, the New World, then... Boats vanishing only to show up in an Illuminati plot sounds very very familiar."

"Actually, the Dark Continent is what you would call Africa." Yoshi told me. "Only the northern regions - the ones bordering the Mediterranean Sea - have been mapped, everything from the Sahara Desert and below is a complete mystery."

"Sahara Des- Aw god." I groaned. "Okay so if I'm remembering this right, Marco might be the person to ask in regards to Africa. Probably not. If I'm wrong then at least that means I don't have to talk to Marco."

"Regarding the Illuminati, the true name of BEAST, I looked over some intelligence gathered from the knights' report, but... it was nothing we didn't know before. Forgive me for my failure..."

"It's fine, Arthur." I sighed. "It's the Illuminati, frankly I'm shocked at how much we managed to uncover ourselves but that's only because they seem dead set on punching me in the face, specifically. They're elusive, slippery bastards and I'm pretty sure I wouldn't know what to look for if I didn't know that they were the Illuminati. In fact, I still don't! Seriously the goal of the Illuminati is supposed to be 'one world order' and these clowns are running around causing endless war."

I looked around and sighed. "They're probably listening in right now. They can do that. I don't know how."

"Thank you for your kind words, Sir Miyafuji." Arthur smiled again. "Please do not worry: I am still receiving reports from the knights, so I shall report to you immediately if I find some relevant information."

"By 'immediately', you mean doing like today and personally reach him, no matter the distance involved?" Himiko asked.

The blonde's smile became radiant. "Of course!"

"Oof, I feel sorry for Galahad and Gawain..."

====

Notes:

Chen: I like having limbs.

Alex: Don't worry, I'm pretty sure someone, somewhere, can give you a prosthetic if the need arises.

Chen: I think I'm more worried about the Himiko switch. Who knows what monster is lurking underneath that face?

Alex: That's the Arthur Factor for you. Always bringing out the unexpected out of people.

 

[Alexander]

Chapter 53: Cool For Cats

====

How to describe the party organized by Alexander and Aristotles? Well, for one thing there was a lot of food and drinks. And I mean a lot.

Seriously, Lancelot looked like she didn't just enter Heaven but was also given the keys to the pantry. The food went in, and a thorough description of the recipe and its history came out. She was a literal machine.

Luckily(?) I was a bit too busy escaping Arthur's ungodly thirsting clutches to properly appreciate the skills of the black hole disguised as a little schoolgirl-slash-knight. The blonde filled her ship with so much tea I was wondering what the heck her and the crew ate during their journey.

Alexander and the rest of the Macedonian soldiers organizing an arm wrestling tournament and trying to make everyone else partecipate was a welcome distraction, even if at one point I somehow ended up facing a drunk Nobu loudly listing, by date and time of the day, every single moment she felt insulted by something I said. It was a long list.

That may explain why I woke up feeling like someone used my head like a drum all night. Despite me not touching a single drop of alcohol, I must add.

"Ugh." I mumbled, blankly staring at the ceiling. "Should I go back to bed...?" I wasn't sure where I was, only that it wasn't the large hall with all the long tables full of food and drinks. It was a smaller room, full of furniture stacked one atop the other and covered by long drapes with garish colors.

...Was that Archimedes' red hair coming out from a large vase? I wasn't sure, but the loud snoring confirmed there was a person inside. Or a large boar, but I was pretty sure he didn't sleep in a pot.

"Oh, here you are boy!" Satan slithered into view, once again wearing a garish hat with 'Chairman' written on it. "Partying hard all night, uh? You're the right age, after all! It warms this old snake's heart to see humanity hasn't lost the ability to make stupid decisions without any kind of prompting."

"I didn't drink, I didn't do drugs, and I didn't have sex." I retorted. "So with god as my witness, fuck off if I decide to sing Rules of Nature at the top of my lungs."

"Good games, though I prefer when my giant robots fight giant monsters. Even if the 'Nanomachines, Son!' jokes were funny." The red snake wrapped his long body in a bundle and rested his head on top, the tail mysteriously out of view. "...Damn me, I miss electricity. And the Internet. Those days I was basically retired, Christianity and Judaism didn't need my help to royally screw themselves, but at least there was plenty of entertainment available. Did you know? During my stay in Japan, people mistook me for an Youkai and called me 'Tsuchinoko'."

"...Considering what a Tsuchinoko is I'm obligated to ask if you had a weight problem. Though that reminds me." I groggily pushed myself out of bed and, much like a duck, waddled over to where Achemidies slept and quietly knocked on the jar. "Hey, Archie, sorry to wake you up but does the word 'internet' appear in your timeline defying memory?"

"I wouldn't call it a weight problem... Alright yes, I was fat. But it was temporary!" Satan protested. "I tried to grow larger to compensate for the extra mass, but then they started accusing me to eat virgin girls and drink all the alcohol!"

"Mblugh?" Was Archimedes' eloquent answer. "In-tu-net? What's that? Oooh, my head hurts... Is, is it urgent?"

"Nah it's fine, go back to sleep." Anyways... I glanced around at the room in front of me. "Archie is homeless and those garish colors on the wall… I can't tell if this is Alexander's guest room or her actual room."

"My personal bet is a storeroom." Lucy quipped. Then, playfulness left his face and was replaced by concern. "Still, that time-looping theory of yours, boy. If it is true, and there is enough circumstantial evidence, then I don't need to tell you how bad things are. Do you know how rare, and forbidden, the power to affect time was in the days when Gods walked the Earth?"

"Well no I just sort of assumed that time travel wasn't really a thing in stories until, you know, the guy who did the laws of robotics did stories about it." I muttered. "I didn't do that much research into mythologies okay?"

"Time travel shouldn't be possible. At all. Time being linear is a cornerstone of the universe." He explained. "You can predict the future, like the Norn Sisters and other prophets did, but change the past? Reset time like a movie? No no no, not possible at all. The past was set in stone. The closest thing to time travel was the ability to peer into the past, but you could only observe it."

Lucy grimaced. "So I have two personal theories: either the culprit is something completely new, or someone broke something important and now we're riding the mother of all glitches. Do you want the truth boy? I am fucking scared."

"Look just think of it like this," I tried to placate the devil himself. "Whoever managed to pull this off actually decided to genuinely call themselves the Illuminati so they're probably a total fucking clown."

"That should be somewhat reassuring, but then I started imagining said clown having the personality of the Joker running around while carrying a nuke." He shook his head. "Still, thank you boy: you manage to keep a level head, and that's reassuring. Changing topics, if you're willing to gamble I know of one being, and one being only who may know something about the time-loops. Problem is, he's mad as a hatter and I have no idea where he is at the moment."

"Or she, knowing our luck." I sighed. "But you aren't giving me a lot to go off of. Hit me with a name."

"Angolmois. The King of Terror. The dross left after the world's creation. The source of all madness." Satan declared. "Less famous titles include, but are not limited to, Boys Love Fanatic and Fanzines Maniac. The Old Man called him 'that troublesome piece of rock'."

I glanced at the nudist mathematician sleeping in a pot. "Are you sure they won't be a girl now- Wait Fanzines?! Those haven't been around since like the seventies! Get on fanfic.net or AO3 like normal people!"

"Look, the last time the cuckoo managed to escape confinement was in the '70. Nobody was too keen on keeping him up to date afterwards." He scratched his head with the tip of his tail. "And no, I am not sure he isn't a girl now. But as far as I know he always appeared in the form of a big piece of stone with an old man's face carved on the surface. Strictly speaking, he is an it."

"Okay but- And this line of thinking may actually send you to hell again so sorry in advance but, is it a writer?"

"Hell can run itself without me. Good and Evil may be debatable, but I am without a doubt Lawful. And no, Angolmois is not a writer: just a reader. But being in his presence drives people mad, and those that don't end up as drooling vegetables are compelled to write down their thoughts on paper or create questionable pieces of art. Like that Lovecraft guy and his screwball friends."

"Hm, I think that's a good trail to go off of." I scratched my chin. "We need to find large fandoms, or niche ones, particularly with a yaoi appeal. Every fandom has it's chunin day exams. I'm sure if we ask around a bit we'll find the worst of the worst fanfics the fandoms have to offer. Since there's no more internet, then fandoms must have had to meet up somewhere right? Trace the maddening fanfics until they form a pattern, compare that to the places where fandoms meet up, and we might have a trail leading to Angol- Angol- Lady England."

"I like the way you think, boy. Ah, it's been a while since I met someone savvy: how nostalgic." Lucy nodded a few times, a big grin on his face. "Alright, I'll take care of it: I'm used to damning sights, and I'm not letting someone else use my ancient Indian hypersonic jet anyway. So, wanna have breakfast? I'm famished."

"Yeah sure." I sighed, rolling my shoulders. "The situation outside can't be that bad right?"

====

It really wasn't. Nobu had a migraine and bloodshot eyes, Himiko was basically sleepwalking and Arthur was, well, Arthur.

"Wahahaha! That was a great party, we should have another one!"

No, the real problem was the boundless well of energy and loudness that went by the name of Alexander.

"Okay yeah, maybe, but definitely some other time. Don't want to have too many parties, then they'll just lose their value." I replied as I stared up at the horned woman. "You don't want to crash the party economy do you?"

"Is there a party economy?! You learn new things every day!"

"Alexander, that was a metaphor. Don't take it literally, even if that seems to be your only mode." Aristotles sighed. She was drinking a cup of tea that smelled like flowers, and before her was a plate with perfectly cut slices of bread with butter and jam spread over them. "If I may ask, Sir Miyafuji, what are your plans for the immediate future?"

"We aren't sure." Yoshi answered in my place. "Truth be told our forces are starting to stretch too far, we need to consolidate our new holdings and give the economy time to stabilize."

"Of course. That's perfectly logical."

"And while Macedonia is in the perfect position for a possible confrontation with the EU, we can't afford to engage them yet. We are also still lacking critical info about the Illuminati, committing the majority of our forces to a single campaign would spell our doom." The ponytailed beauty seemed to consider her next words. "Still, I suppose gathering intelligence wouldn't hurt. Lady Aristotles, what can you tell us about the other countries in West Asia?"

"Nothing significant, I'm afraid. I heard you received a visit by Hammurabi: as you were probably able to ascertain, Babylon is a country fully focused on defense. Their walls have never been breached, and their troops never break even in the face of insurmountable odds. Even I was unable to find a flaw to exploit: admirable, even if a little vexing."

"Oh oh! Coming from you that is high praise!" Sun's eyes light up. "Mh, now I'm curious. I can't wait for the chance to personally experience an unbreakable wall."

"Um, you do remember we kind of have a deal with them to like, not do that right?" I blinked. "Or at least something along those lines. Don't want to go back on our word to the kingdom ruled by the only god-blooded people left in the world, you know?"

"Mouh, let a girl dream Chen." She pouted. "But fine: the earlier we go back the more time you can spend with Shi without her needing to stress her body with an unreasonable long journey. This place is too hot for my dear little Shi!"

"Ah shit that's right she's still recovering- Wait a minute." I feel like I was forgetting to do something- "OH SHIT YEAH! SWORDS! MUSASHI! FUCK!"

There was a moment of deep silence before the main doors were slammed open. "Musashi?! Where is she?" Sasaki asked, her appearance pristine despite the early hour and the questionable colors of her clothes.

"Didn't that old guy say that she was heading for Macedonia?!" I shouted, grabbing the swordswoman's shoulders. "Something about cheese?! That was ages ago!"

"Oh, that..." She looked disappointed. "After reaching Macedonia I used my free time to ask around for her. Unfortunately Musashi left a few weeks before our army reached Persepolis, but I thought she came back... No one was sure what her next destination was, though one person remembered her displaying an interest in Egypt's cousine."

"Ah, Egypt. Egypt..." I glanced over at Sun before moving over to Yoshi. "What are our options for our next campaign after we finish settling down?"

"I suppose... that's acceptable." Yoshi slowly nodded. "Lady Aristotles, Egypt is located close to Macedonia. What can you tell us about it?"

"Thanks to the bounty from the Nile river they're a self-sufficient country, and despite being deep in the Dark Continent barbarian attacks have never been a big problem." The bespectacled, cool beauty calmly explained. "The ruler of Egypt is Queen Tutankhamun: she rarely shows herself, but she is wildly beloved by the people of her country."

"Did you try to conquer it? Considering Alexander's record..." Sun tossed a quick glance at the horned woman.

"I wanted to. I mean, Egypt culture is super-cool!" The crime against fashion showed a brilliant grin. "Sadly, Camby told me they were on a vacation. You can't attack people when they're on a vacation, that's rude."

"Camby...? You mean Cambyses II, the diplomatic representative?" Aristotles received a nod in response. "They were on a vacation... who are 'they'?"

"The people of Egypt, of course!"

"Damn, everyone gets a vacation? Nice." I whist- Er. My lips sputtered in an attempt to whistle. "Dammit I'll get this someday."

Aristotles stared at Alexander. She stared at the horned woman not with shock, disappointment or rage, but the tired resignation of an office worker being given a stack of documents half an hour before her turn ends and being told to finish it before going home. "She told you the people of Egypt are on a vacation. All the men, women and children in the entire land."

"Yep."

"They're still on vacation even today?"

"Should be."

"And you believe her?!"

Alexander tilted her head sideway like a bird. "Why shouldn't I? We even played together all day with her fluffy white cat. There's no way someone who likes cute animals is a liar!"

My head perked up. Cat? Cat?! CAT!

...I nodded sagely. "Valid."

Aristotles put her face in her hands and bent forward until they almost touched the table. Yoshi stood up and gently patted the older woman's back with a sympathetic look.

"MY QUEEN!" Galahad chose that moment to jump into the room like a woman possessed, Gawain calmly walking after her.

They ended up dragging Arthur back to Britannia, so I guess the day ended with a net positive. Wasn't even aware Arthur was in the room to be honest. Which now that I think about it, was probably suspicious in it's own right...

Eh, probably nothing.

====

"Uuh... Onii-san, remember the declaration of war you sent to Egypt? We received a reply, but..." Himiko looked troubled. More than that, she looked confused as heck.

"What, are they on vacation again? Did they declare war first?" I leaned back in my chair. "What's the stitch, Himiko?"

"It's..." She struggled to find something to say, then seemingly gave up. She left the room and returned almost immediately with a wooden cart filled with paper. Enough paper to fill three dictionaries.

"Huh." I blinked, grabbing one of the pieces of paper. "What did they even write?"

"Egypt declares war on Zipang, a country which has done terrible things to Lady Tutankhamun. From the head grocer of Thebes." Said the first paper.

"A declaration of war from a student in Cairo who says he won't forgive Zipang." Was the second.

I stopped reading at that moment.

"Holy hot fucking damn did they send me a declaration of war from every goddamn citizen in Egypt?" I stared at the pile. "That is a level of spite and petty that I can only aspire to."

"I, I think they really did it. Every single citizen of Egypt declared war on Zipang." Himiko looked gobsmacked. "Onii-san, what did you write in your letter to Tutankhamun? Those people seem to think you did something horrible to her."

"Oh you know, uh, the um, the usual?" What did I write again? It was kind of late so... I vaguely recall writing something along the lines of 'Yo I'm tired dealing with all this bureaucracy shit so we're going to war because that's an epic gamer move peace out yo poggers'.

"Oh god what the fuck did I write?!" I cried out in a panic. "I didn't actually write that right?!"

"Onii-san! No wonder they're mad!" Himijo shouted, her face red. "We, we should apologize. Kowtowing and sounding contrite enough should suffice right? Egypt doesn't have something similar to seppuku. Right?"

"Look in my defense I don't think anyone even knows what half of those words mean!" I shouted back. "It'll be fine! Probably! Maybe! I'll write an actual declaration of war again!"

One (Proper) Declaration of War later and we now had six dictionaries worth of declarations of war.

"...They're doing this on purpose aren't they." My eyes squinted at the humongous stack. "Where did they even find the time to coordinate this?"

"Chen." Yoshi said with perfect pose and elegance, resembling nothing less than a volcano about to erupt. "Alexandria's sentinels reported the entire population of Cairo gathered near the border between the two countries. Every single one of them is armed, wears a handband with 'Death to Zipang' written on it and there are several groups burning Zipang's flag. I wonder, how did this happen?"

"Okay, let me just say that, who the fuck expects a sane country to act like this?" It was a strong rebuttal, I feel. "Like come on, every single citizen of Cairo? Are you kidding me? Not even Kublai had a 100% approval rating in her country and she's fucking Kublai! That's scary! These people are scary! They're like a giant cult the size of a country!"

"...Alright, I'll admit this is unsettling." Yoshi's anger evaporated. "Nobunaga, what do you think?"

"Hmm, it's a first for me too." The no-pants woman replied. "It's true that Kublai and Qin Shi Huang have a high approval rating, but they had the good sense to keep civilians out of military affairs."

"But of course! It was already hard persuading Shi to send our troops against Zipang." Sun declared. "Naturally there were plenty of people offering to act as volunteer militia, but we turned down their help. Even if Shi wasn't such a terrifying cute sweetheart we can't let civilians, the blood of a nation, be endangered. This Tutankhamun obviously has no morals at all!"

"You know, I can't help but think there is something we are missing. Something big." Himiko said. "Maybe we should... investigate first?"

We all looked at her. "What?"

"Did you just have, for the first time in forever, a good idea?"

"Aaaah! Onii-san, Nobunaga is bullying me!"

"To be honest I was going to suggest the same thing." I shrugged, ignoring my technically-adopted sister's plight as I sat on my chair cross legged. I ran a hand through my hair in thought. "I have about three plans going through my head right now, technically four if we operate all of them at once. Problem is that they all require some serious investigation before we could successfully enact any of them and also they'll make diplomatic clean-up a serious bitch."

A sigh escaped my lips. "The real issue is, let's be honest, we can't actually conduct a campaign in the current state. Occupying a city would send citizens into throwing themselves at our armies regardless of their safety. Whether it's magic mind control or sheer damn charisma, these people are willing to die for their leaders. But that also can be used to our advantage, in a way."

"Oh?" Yoshi, Nobu and Sun raised a single eyebrow at the same time. "A bold declaration. Go on."

"Generally speaking, and I know we're the worst example to say this, the citizens of Egypt seem to share one common trait: being hot-headed." I explained as I tapped my chin. "Basically, all three of my plans share one commonality, to exploit their quick temper. Considering they're at our gates with just the declaration of war, they're probably a very rash group in action. I highly doubt that they're organized enough to actually hold military actions unless the military has noticeable differences from what the civilians are like."

I held up three fingers before pinching the first two. "My first two plans are entirely based around this idea. Plan A, to put it simply, was just something I thought up to be petty at first but it seems it might work in our favor here. Basically it's simple, spreading fear through the egyptian population though not of me. Just in general. The tactic I was going to use was something called a 'chain-mail', scattering pieces of paper with horror stories that end with 'You'll have this fate if you don't share this story with five other people!'. It probably won't do much but it'll have some noticeable effect I think. The issues come with the fact that they have to be spread anonymously and without our involvement being known. Which means we have to do a bunch of research into making it look like it's legit enough to be found in egypt. Kind of a waste of effort, but if they do figure out, move on to Plan B."

I put my first finger down and continued talking. "This one's simple, keep them angry. But we're not going to do anything. Continue to spam the Egyptian diplomats with declarations of war, show my face, just keep them mad enough that they can't cool down and organize but at the same time not so mad that they actually start to invade our territory. Make me out to be a petty villain, someone who they can put down and trample on. Problem would be that it'll be a bitch to remove that stigma once the campaign's done but moving on to the third and final plan."

A sigh escaped my lips as I sighed and leaned back in my chair. "The plan I've put the least thought into, really. We sneak into the capital and speak with their leaders directly. Try to diplomatically unite our nations, no hostages. The citizens' devotion to their leaders is immense and the only way we can get rid of the raging mob at our door is to have their leader call the citizens off herself. And if there is shady magic going on, we can probably beat her in her capital and then free the citizens. Probably not though, honestly I highly doubt it. They probably just love their king because of all the free holidays and stuff she gives them."

I shrugged. "And that's about it. Thoughts?"

The three strategists in the room hummed in thought, looked at each other for a dozen seconds and then finally focused back on me. The first to speak was Nobunaga. "Leaving aside the fact that even I am astonished at the idea of using what is literally bullying in a military campaign-"

Himiko coughed. Loudly. Several times in a row.

"But let's just call it 'riling them up' for now. Plan A's good point is that general panic would hinder Egypt more than anger focused towards us would. The problem, of course, is that we will need to restore order after we invade and I'm not sure how grateful those fanatics would really be."

"Plan B, while theoretically feasible, suffers from a fatal flaw: we don't know where the line between inaction and action is." Yoshi continued. "Simply put, without a deep understanding of Egyptian mentality it would be difficult to keep the population just mad enough for our purposes. For all I know just showing up in person would provoke the citizens of Cairo into chasing us all the way back to Alexandria."

"That's why! I recommend we go with Plan C!" Sun grinned, waving her stick like an excited puppy. "With a single, decisive action we will put an end to the war through the power of diplomacy. Shi would be so proud!"

"Plan C isn't exactly feasible right away. It runs into the problem we keep having: a lack of information. Just where exactly is the Pharaoh? What kind of security does she have? We don't know anything and blindly running in is, okay don't look at me like that, a terrible idea." I nodded before giving the group a thumbs up. "That's why we have multiple heroes in the army you know? More specifically for the problems with Plan C, we put Tama in charge of gathering information beforehand. It'd also help with Plan B but there's someone else I want to put in charge for Plan B."

I paused before turning to the Zipang trio and speaking very slowly. "So we need someone who's good at annoying people but not to the point where they go overboard right? Someone who can keep that balance right? Just, hear me out... We put Sei in charge of it."

"Chen, Chen, Chen. I was thinking something similar. Did you really think I, the great and wise and beautiful Sun Tzu, wouldn't gather information first before acting? That's Lu's job." The green-haired girl, who if she was as wise as she claimed, would know how to use an oxford comma, waved her stick some more. "I agree with your selection, but let me expand it."

Walking up to a blackboard she took a piece of chalk and began to write. "The team for Plan C is: Inou Tadataka, Marco Polo and Goemon Ishikawa. The team for Plan B is: Abe no Seimei, Kamehameha and-"

She started to write something that suspiciously looked like 'Sanzou' before quickly scratching it out. "Ashoka. A master of conversation, a little ball of sunshine and a speaker capable of keeping them listening for hours. Objections so far?"

"Nope. Nope. Nope." I said clearly as I stared at the scratched out name. "Absolutely none. Keep going."

"Finally, the team for Plan A: Lancelot, Vlad Tepes and Magellan." Sun continued.

"Now you really need to stop and explain why those three." Nobu interrupted.

"Simple: Lancelot will write reviews about foods that no sane mind would consider tasting, being scary is Vlad Tepes' entire stick-" The greenette grins. "And Magellan will be in charge of delivering the papers by throwing them from outside the city's sight."

"Um..." I tried to form the mental image of that in my head. "Like, a meteor that scatters papers?"

"Correct! Papers collected into a pile, tied together and then tossed!" Sun's smile dimmed. "No, wait. We need something to wrap around them or they'll scatter before reaching their destination... but then what if it doesn't open on impact? Wait, wait!"

She took out a second blackboard and began to furiously fill it with equations. When all available space ended she threw her hands in the air. "I need a mathematician! Where's Aristotles? Wait for me!" Sun yelled before dashing out of the room.

...Slowly, I turned back to everyone else in the room as they all stared at the door. "So, I think we have a plan?"

"Delivery system aside, it has some merit." Yoshitsune nodded. "Team A and B can distract Egypt's people while Team C infiltrates it and investigates. There are good odds of this working in our favor. I vote yes."

"Yes." Nobu agreed.

"I'll follow whatever Onii-san decides to do." Himiko added.

"Alrighty then, I guess we have a plan. Now then!" I raised my hand into the air. "Let's split up and look for clues, gang!"

====

"Chen. Please sit down, drink this herbal tea and relax." Yoshitsune presented me with a cup of said tea. "I need you to completely clear your mind of negative thoughts."

"Yeah about thaaaaaaaat..." I stretched off as I took a sniff of the drink. "You um, remember I don't like tea right?"

"Then what do you drink when you want to relax?"

"Milk?"

She skillfully switched the tea with a glass full of milk. "Honey?"

"Nope!" I cheerily said before grabbing the glass and downing it all in one go. "Wew! That's good!"

"Good. Now, allow me to properly list the results of Plans A, B and C." Yoshi pulled out the first report and started reading. "During the preparation phase there were a few hiccups. Namely, Lancelot writing reviews about perfectly acceptable food and Vlad wasting both time and paper writing what I..."

She stopped and looked at me. "Charitably, consider a fictional story of her returning to her homeland, killing all her enemies in gruesome ways, gathering a large amount of slaves to use as domestics and then spending several days sitting on her throne while having a monologue. A monologue, I must add, that comprises 85% of said fictional story."

"Wow who would've thought the woman who inspired Dracula can't even do gothic horror right." Bram Stroker would be rolling in his fucking grave. "So basically we only have perfectly normal food recipes and a cringy poorly written edgy story that serves as so much of a power fantasy even Himiko would be embarrassed?"

"Luckily for us, I noticed in time and corrected the issue." The ponytailed samurai informed me. "The next hiccup consisted in Magellan either overshooting her target, or knocking down a building. If they ask, I suggest saying we have no idea why the Great Sphinx of Thebes is lacking a nose. We resolved that too, and finally delivered the chaos-inducing rumors to all three Egyptian Cities."

"Okay, I think I see where this is going." I nodded slowly. "Does it get worse?"

"Plan B started better. The people of Cairo, despite their anger, were put off balance by Kamehameha arriving in her usual boisterous way and then offering them flowers." Yoshi said. Ah yes, good old Aloha spirit. "Seimei did an admirable job following after that, using a mix of logical arguments and praises to keep things non-violent."

Yoshi paused, taking another report and looking at it. She shook her head and met my gaze again. "Then in the middle of Ashoka speaking someone called her, I quote, 'an old hag that doesn't hold a candle to Lord Khamun'. What followed was Ashoka knocking out all the gathered citizens with her fists and causing the rest to run away in terror."

"Oh. Oh boy." I groaned as I put my hands to my head. "Ow, ow this hurts. Is there any good news?"

"Plan C delivered, ah, interesting findings." Yoshi took another report. "The group successfully infiltrated Abul Simbel by navigating the Nile under the disguise of merchants. Yes, there were many reported cases of valuable stuff being missed in the ports where they stopped, but no evidence was left behind. Anyway, once at Abul Simbel Marco set up a merchant stoll and Tadataka stealthy compiled a map of the city."

"So are the 'interesting' findings good or bad or just... weird?" I hazarded. "You're kinda holding me in suspense here Yoshi."*

"It turned out almost no one in Egypt has ever really seen Queen Tutankhamun. At least, not in the flesh." Yoshi revealed. "She almost never leaves her palace, leaving Cambyses II to handle most issues, and only occasionally appearing before the people. Even then she's constantly hiding inside a..."

She squinted her eyes at the report. "A sarcophagus is like a coffin, right? Anyway, the most of her actual body the people of Egypt ever saw was her hand. By all accounts Tutankhamun suffers from crippling shyness."

"That, that is the sketchiest thing I have ever heard." Like, seriously? "And no one is suspicious about that?"

"...Considering her last public appearance was two weeks ago, all they were able to see was a single hand and they still talk about it like the greatest event of the century?" Yoshi was deep in thought. "Either Queen Tutankhamun possesses godly charisma, or the Egyptians have... peculiar tastes."

"At the very least we know that she exists. Probably." The fact that there was someone in the sarcophagus meant that this wasn't a big brother situation. "The only problem is that just raises more questions about why they worship her so much."

The Samurai shrugged. "Your guess is as good as mine."

"...Fuck. Alright then." I cursed. "Do you have any suggestions other than breaking into their capital and seeing what's going on for ourselves? Because that seems like it's going to be the only way we can get an answer unless a miracle occurs."

"Nobunaga suggested, and I agree with her, that our best bet for a quick and peaceful resolution is contacting Cambyses II, the Queen's aide. Marco's report said she had taken a laid-back approach to the whole issue, and is unlikely to move until one of their cities is threatened."

She moved to another page.

"Apparently she spends most of her time taking care of a legion of cats. There is a whole temple complex dedicated exclusively to the felines, and they number close to one thousand."

My ears perked up as I gave Yoshi a look. "We're going there."

She gave me a flat stare before sighing. "Who exactly?"

"Me. I'm going there." I have to go there. It's not even a question. "Nyaah."

"Just promise me to be careful and to prepare an escape route. We can't afford to lose you."

====

So Team C smuggled me into Egypt. I had to wear a lot of concealing clothes and travel on a boat that stunk of fish, and upon arrival I realized that... I was most definitely in Egypt alright. The building in front of me was absolutely covered with hieroglyphs in the way that only someone who didn't want to waste a single square inch would accomplish. Four large statues of men, presumably gods or something, stared down upon me. In comparison, the door to the building itself was quite small, but it was still double my height. And to top it all off, the entire place was built into the rocky hills. Almost as if it was part of the earth itself.

"That is Abu Simbel's main temple." Marco informed me. "Look all you want but don't go inside, many past Pharaohs were buried there and the priests are fiercely protective."

"I can confirm." Goemon winced and rubbed her side. "You think a sling is less dangerous than a bow. Not in the hand of madmen who can somehow make clay harder than steel and are strong enough to carry dozens of projectiles on their backs."

"...I'm surprised it's only slings." I muttered as I stared at the women in fishnet. "How the hell did you not get cursed?"

"Fancy that." Goemon lit up her pipe as Tama ushered us inside a safehouse. Wonder of wonders, it was cooler inside than outside. "See, you get cursed only if you enter the innermost sanctums without being allowed. Those are sealed, but there are workshops where the priests keep ready all the necessary materials for burial rites. That includes gold and other valuable stuff."

"That sounds like a recipe for disaster but you're still alive so I'll trust your judgement." Even if I utterly hate the smell of her pipe ugh. "So how are we getting into the Cat Land?"

"We can't pretend to be priests of Bastet, the local Goddess of Cats, since we don't look Egyptians and the standard uniform shows a lot of skin." Tama answered. "That leaves either the servants that feed the cats and clean after them or the doctors that make sure they're healthy."

"I know nothing about taking care of animals." Marco immediately added. "Only pests."

"Don't look at me like that." I sniped at the brockley head. "And while I know how to feed the cats, cleaning up after them is a bit different. I'm not a doctor though so that's definitely out."

"Servants it is. Luckily for us I managed to acquire adequate clothes."

Said clothes were similar to a medical protective suit, complete with mask and hood. The only thing missing were goggles to protect the eyes. Marco stealthy drugged a few of the usual servants so they would sleep for a while, and we took their places.

And thus we entered to find- Cats.

So many cats. Too many to even count. I had been to a cat cafe before but this wasn't even close to that scale. It was an entire temple dedicated to cats and that was made abundantly clear. All of different sizes, shapes, and colors that in unison turned towards us with the gaze of apathy that only a feline could make.

Was this heaven?

"Dio Santissimo." Marco whispered in barely disguised fright. "Those eyes. They're staring into my soul."

"Now don't be like that." I scolded.

"At least they're cute." Goemon shrugged. "Kinda like bear cubs, except they don't grow up to become one hundred kilos of furry murder."

"Hey, you four!" Another servant with some fancy decorations on his uniform, so likely higher on the chain of command, called out to us. "Lady Cambyses requested fresh fish for her favorites. Bring it to her immediately."

He pointed at four very large crates full of fishes. Each of them looked heavy enough to require three people to carry.

Luckily for us there was some kind of cart available, but we had to push it by ourselves. With much effort we moved deeper inside the temple complex and entered what I could only describe as a small pyramide.

"Mrowr." The giant white cat picked up one of the crates with his mouth and strolled away without a care. A soft, high-pitched sound came out of Marco's mouth.

"Food! Finally nyaaan!" Next to appear was a cat-shaped throne on wheels, pushed by small cat-people. And on it was... Okay I can see why Tama said the outfit was revealing Jesus Christ. I know we're in the middle of a desert so there's an excuse and everything, but for certain reasons I won't exactly be going into her outfit in detail. Nevertheless, on the cat shaped throne was a young, purple haired girl who had that beast ear hair stylization that Seimei still refused to teach me how to do. What was really eye catching about her though, was the cat statue that she held on her head like a crown. Somehow kept in perfect balance.

Seriously isn't that heavy to keep up or was it actually hollow on the inside. "What took you so long?!"

"...It's heavy?" Tama replied.

"Nyanyanya! Heavy just means more food! You're pardoned this time." Cambyses lounged even more on the throne while the little cat-people picked up the remaining crates and moved them inside. "Mrowr? Haven't seen you guys before. You new?"

"Yes. The regular servants partied too hard last night and woke up with a fierce headache." Goemon smoothly answered. "So we got hired in a hurry."

"I see, I see! In that case, time for a welcoming ceremony!" The purple-haired girl laughed. "You get to play with the kittens until they're used to your smell!"

Marco looked like her soul just escaped through her mouth.

====

Notes:

Alex: Within Egypt, there are cats.

Chen: Purrfect.

Alex: I'll need to come up with some puns. Can't do it on the fly even with my life on the line. What about you?

Chen: Well as meow can see, it isn't nyat hard.

 

[Alexander]

Chapter 54: Knock 'em Dead Kid

====

"Help..." Marco begged piteously, a single hand emerging from the pile of kittens and fruitlessly grasping at the air. "So soft... I'm being corrupted... Lady Kublai, I am so sorry..."

"Can you at least shut up?" Tama demanded with a harsher tone than normal. Goemon and her were completely covered in sleeping cats save for the face, like an avant-garde statue or something equally confusing.

"It's getting hot, eh?" The thief grinned, sweat dripping down her face. "Maybe we should get all naked."

"You shut up too."

"Why are you all complaining." I muttered as I sunk into the balls of fluff. Man, who even needed to conquer the world when you had this? "Just let it happen. Meow."

"With all due respect my Lo- I mean Chen- I mean, fellow coworker recently hired!" For a second it looked like Tama was about to swallow her own tongue. "Even if this welcoming ceremony, which suspiciously looks like hazing, is traditional we are here to work. Not frolicking around!"

"If I become a cat, will Lady Kublai still accept me?"

"Or becoming delirious."

"This is work." I commented before a sound left my throat. It was not a "meow" or a "nya", instead it was the ultimate technique that anyone who grew up with cats knows. A technique involving holding your tongue back into your throat to near perfectly imitate the sound of a cat. What came out of my mouth, did not even sound human.

"Nyanyanya! Newbies are always hilarious!" Cambyses rolled into view. She had a lot of kittens on her lap, and looked very comfortable. The same sound I made came out of her mouth as she rubbed the back of a big, fluffy white cat. "And one of you even knows the Ancient Cat Tongue Technique! Wonderpurrr! There is hope yet for the younger generations."

The giant white cat mewled loudly.

"Amenemopet, how dare you! I'm still young myself, a beautiful maiden just blossoming in her womanhood!"

Goemon's shoulders were shaking. She was totally holding back from laughing, yes? Either that or she was dying of a heat stroke.

"I was chosen because I grew up with about four cats." I commented with another cat sound. "Out of the five who lived with me, only I was adored by all four. They called me the cat whisperer."

Honestly I need to remember all the dumb nicknames I've been given throughout my life. Might come in handy making people think I'm more competent than I actually am.

"Excellent background, new guy." The purple-haired girl's smile turned mischievous. "Now that we saw the kittens like you, thus you're not a threat, why don't you expand on it and tell me who you guys really are?"

"Honestly anything and everything was just an excuse to be here like, right now." I spoke frankly. "I heard there were cats so I came over. Oh yeah and also I'm the King of Zipang I guess."

"My Lord!" Tama wriggled, but the cats held strong. "...We come in peace?"

"Relaaax, girlie. No violence is allowed on grounds dedicated to Bastet, and like I said the kittens like you." Cambyses explained. "But I must say, I didn't expect the big boss himself to personally come here. I heard they also call you the Messenger of the Heavens or somesauce? Honestly, the rumors are quite wild!"

"Oh yeah they did!" I spoke, turning towards my companion. "Yeah they don't call me that anymore. In fact I'm pretty sure Tama is the only one here who was around when they did."

"To be fair, you give off a very down-to-earth vibe." Goemon said. "It's hard to put you on a pedestal. I say this in a positive way."

"Mrowrowrow! Khamun could learn a thing or two from you. Sooo, are you here for anything else beside basking in the glory of my kittens?" The cat-theme girl rested her chin on a fist. "I decided for a wait-and-see approach unless things turned ugly, but so far all I heard is that some idiots got beaten because they called a girl old."

"Oh yeah that's Ashoka. She's usually kinda peaceful, pretty strict on following laws and all that, guess she just was kinda having an off day?" Her age was probably a touchy subject, not that anyone looked old to me. "And we're here to talk about... Um... Yeah hold on give me a moment... I think it was... Guys help me out here I'm too distracted."

"Uuuh... Lady Cambyses, we would like to fix what is obviously a huge misunderstanding." Tama spoke slowly. "The people of Egypt, they made it sound like we did something unspeakable to Queen Tutankhamun."

"Oh, that? See, Khamun panicked when she received your letter and tried to write a reply before even reading it, but she bumped into her sarcophagus and fainted!" Cambyses guffawed. "The servant who found her thought she fainted because of your letter, and the rest is history!"

"Huh." So she hadn't read my absolute trainwreck of a letter. "Yeah but we sent like, two."

"Yes, and the rumors grew even more wild when it arrived. Khamun tried to explain, she really tried, but that girl is hopelessly shy! Even when it was just the two of us it took an hour or two for Khamun to tell me everything." Cambyses rolled her eyes. "I wanted to see if some pressure fixed that, but so far it's not working. Well, life is good here in Egypt and I really don't want a war messing it up. So, what kind of deal are you offering?"

I nodded my head. "...I didn't think this faaaaaaar. Uh, you like food?"

"Fish, obviously! Mmmr, getting access to different types of fish from all over the world doesn't sound bad." The cat-themed girl's eyes gleamed. "Let's see, let's see. How about this: Khamun remains in charge, we get access to goods from all over your territories at a reduced price and in exchange you get tithes of money and supplies?"

"That... isn't much different than what we usually offer." Tama admitted.

"Yeah it's usually just a change in branding to be honest." I nodded. "We might ask your heroes for help in campaigns every once in a while but other than that... Oh yeah secret evil conspiracy protection. We do that as well."

"Nyanyanya! I would like it if that girl gained enough courage to toss her weight around. The magic of the Pharaoh line is strong in that child, even without formal training, and the less we say about her charisma the better." Cambyses sat straighter. "But, secret evil conspiracy you said? Interesting. Tell me more."

====

So I told her everything I knew about the Illuminati. Everything I usually gave others upon first meeting, at least: some things were just private, you know?

"Nyaaa! Mind-control, agents all over the world... I don't like it! Not at all!" Cambyses was fuming. "Egypt is a peaceful country, I will not have it embroiled in some shady conspiracy! Nyaaa!"

"It's meow then that." I continued. "They've been trying to sucker punch us, well me specifically, in the face but for other countries they've tried the slow and insidious approach of messing with things from the inside. They could already be here and mew wouldn't even know it."

"Mrooo! Are you implying me and Khamun are lazy enough to let it happen under our noses?" Cambyses paused. "Well, not lazy lazy but we do have a hands-off approach... Hiss! Time for a thorough in-door cleaning! Kittens, play-time's over! MEOW!"

Grumbling all the cats got off me and the others before scampering off. Tama and Goemon looked relatively well, but Marco was very much in la-la-land.

"Alright, ditch those suits and follow me. Is greeny over there necessary or just dead weight?"

"Eh, hold on I got this." I shrugged as I moved over to the assassin and leaned into her ear. "Hey, if you snap back to reality when we get back to Zipang, I'll try to convince Kublai to wear cat ears."

"LADY KUBLAI!" Marco jumped up shouting at the top of her lungs, which was impressive because she went from spread eagle to in the air with nothing in-between. She landed back on her feet and coughed to clear her throat. "I-"

She paused and coughed a few more times, cat's fur coming out of her mouth. "I'll hold you on that."

"Alrighty." I had more than a few tricks up my sleeve in regards for how to accomplish that. And by that I mean Seimei. I had Seimei. "So, what nyaw?"

"Like I said, ditch those suits and follow: you're with me, so no punk will dare raise a fuss." Cambyses reassured us.

That was true: while hitching a ride on the cat-girl's chariot we attracted more than a few odd looks, but it was more out of curiosity than any real distrust.

Those small cat-people? They were much stronger than they looked. The ride itself was hot but pretty smooth until we finally reached the banks of the Egyptian temple. And I mean the banks. Located along the river's edge was a large building, large stone walls built on top of one another stacking high into the air as carvings were ingrained along its edges. It was also, shockingly, not a pyramid. Okay maybe that shouldn't be so much of a shock since I know intellectually that pyramids were tombs but pop culture has ingrained "egypt = triangles" so hard into me my shock might as well have been burned into my skin.

After passing through the gates we dismounted and followed Cambyses inside. There were several doors and entrances covered with canvas we had to cross, giving the impression of something guarded jealously. It didn't help that we met less and less people the deeper into the palace we went, until it was only us.

"KHAMUN!" The cat-girl shouted without regard. "I brought guests! Are you presentable?"

"Eeek!" A girly voice shrieked in response, followed by the sound of something heavy opening and closing. "C-C-Cambyses? What do you mean, guests! It's too sudden! Oooh... it's so embarrassing!"

"Well it's an emergency so deal with it!" The cat-girl's tone wasn't very sympathetic, though she took the time to peer through the final door before gesturing for us to follow. And inside was... That's a sarcophagus. Made of what looked to be gold and engraved with that classic egyptian burial stuff. I slowly nodded before subtly-unsubtly nudging Goemon and giving her a look.

She returned the look, as if saying 'Ye of little faith', but grumbled and made sure to keep her hands visible at all times.

"Those people from Zipang are here to discuss a possible threat to our beloved country." Cambyses explained with patience.

"Z-Zipang? Is, is that because of the letter? I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I don't know how I was rude to you but I'm very sorry!" The girl hidden inside cried. "Please forgive me!"

"It's nyat about that-" I coughed. "Wait can you even read inside that coffin or do you just come out whenever you're alone?"

"Ah, it's too embarrassing to show my face to other people so I usually hide inside the sarcophagus unless I'm alone. Ah, Cambyses is an exception." She mumbled bashfully. "Oh, ah, oh! Sorry, I didn't even introduce myself. My name is Tutankhamun, ruler of Egypt. Nice to meet you..."

"Name's Chen, nice to meet you Tunta... Tuntankal... Tuntie." I nodded. Not the best but it'd have to do!

"Oh, you can call me Khamun, or Tut like my parents. I know my name is long, sorry..."

"Nice. Nice. But enough with the pleasantries!" Cambyses clapped her hands. "I'm serious here Khamun. Some shady guys may be running around Egypt mind-controlling people and planning to make a mess of the whole country. I need you to put that charisma of you to work."

"Eh? Eeeh? Are, are things that serious? Oooh, then... Be strong, be courageous..." I heard her whisper, then suddenly the sarcophagus opened and Khamun walked outside. "Yahhh!"

Adorned in a white dress that contrasted against her tan skin and the orange ribbon that wrapped around her body was a young girl. Although she was draped in gold with markings on her face, the thing that caught my attention the most about her was her crystal blue eyes that sparkled more than I had ever seen before. Her short brown hair bobbed as she gripped onto her cane for dear life.

"Atta girl!" Cambyses-you know what, I'll just call her Camby, clapped her hands.

"Ah, oh, uhm..." Tut was both blushing and trembling hard. "How embarrassing...!"

"I'm beginning to understand why everyone's crazy about the lass." Goemon chuckled, moving closer to the window to light up her pipe.

"I have the distinct feeling we aren't being hit with charisma power at full blast." I replied before coughing. "Dunno if that's a good thing or a bad thing though."

She startled trembling even more at our words. "Sorry! Sorry!" Tut tried to run back inside the sarcophagus, but Camby barred the path with her seat.

"None of that! It's not even a crowd, pull yourself together girl!" The cat-themed girl grabbed the dark-skinned one by the shoulders and forced her to face us. "Just listen to them, alright? Those funny guys came with good intentions, isn't that right?"

She was looking straight at me while saying that, and I got the distinct feeling Camby wanted me to say the right thing. EMIYA, is that you? Alright maybe channeling something familiar would help here...

"Purrese help. Wait no, nyat that." I coughed. "We've come to help! Meowbe! There's a bunch of evil guys screwing everynyaing up! It's awful! That's why, we nyatta band together to stop them!"

Tama and Marco slapped their faces so hard I was sure it would leave a mark. However, it seemed to do the trick with Tut: she relaxed a little and looked at me with curiosity. "Sir Chen, you talk like Cambyses when she's drunk."

"I do not get drunk, I get tipsy! Mraahh!"

"Sorry! Oh, uhm..." She fidgeted with her cane. "I, I am very catful? Who are those nyasty guys?"

Goemon was shaking so hard she was unable to use her pipe.

"They call themselves the Illuminati and they've done everything from kidnapping, mind control, and heresies so destructive it'd make the most chaotic of gods cry foul." I said, immediately dropping the cat talk voice. "Some of us still like to call them BEAST though, since they're little more then rabid animals lashing out at the world in the end."

"Horus! That's awful!" Tut cried. "Kidnapping? Mind control? Heresies?! Uwaaah!"

"Exactly, nyaah! They make a very good case." Camby nodded. "Sometimes they just help nasty people get power, but in others they give out cursed pendants and use them to mind control the innocents into being disposable soldiers! Obviously this cannot stand, nor can we risk it!"

"W-What should we do then?"

"First we put an end to this ridiculous stand-off: just tell everyone it was a typo or something, if it's you anything's fine." The cat-themed girl laughed. "Then we look around for those pendants. Chen, you said they always have the same form and symbols on them?"

"Yeeeep." I nodded, popping the 'p'. "It's basically always the same color too if I recall correctly. For a group that wants to be hidden they sure do go all out on the branding."

"Must be a magic thing. See Khamun, it's easy: you just need to say 'make peace, not war' and 'look out for those pendants, they're bad'."

"Peace, not war... look for those pendants..." Tut repeated under her breath. "If, if it's just that I think I can do it? Oh... maybe give a papyrus to the criers to read from? To, uhm, make sure I don't screw up?"

"See?! That's the queen I know nya can be!" Camby slapped Tut's shoulder, startling the girl so badly she fell down and curled up into a ball.

Marco rubbed her forehead. "This is going to take awhile, isn't it?"

"Eh, don't rush the miracle worker and all that." I shrugged before turning to Tama. "By the way did you bring something to read in the meanwhile or...?"

"Now that you mention it, my Lord, with Lady Polo's help I recently acquired a scroll of Egyptian cartography." Her eyes were sparkling. "It is quite fascinating what can be done with papyrus. Do you want to give it a look my Lord?"

"Ehhh...."

====

So Camby set up a huge public gathering in front of Tut's palace, and the Queen of Egypt said what we planned from within her sarcophagus. She stammered from beginning to end even with the cat-girl next to her agreeing with or finishing for Tut as the situation demanded, and when she managed to expose a single hand out of her golden coffin the crowd went absolutely wild.

"I saw the Queen's hand!"

"Aaaah, I'll have to write this in my journal!"

"Perhaps her foot next! Even just a toe!"

I nodded as an epiphany occurred to me. "Oh I get what's going on here... They're all simps."

"Is that what your world calls that?" Marco narrowed her eyes. "Uh, somehow it fits."

After that every single citizen of Egypt started a manhunt for the Illuminati, and I was honestly worried it would end with a lynching.

The reality turned out to be far more bizarre.

"What did nya say?" Camby kept listening to a cat mewling, at the end then turned to us with a scandalized look. "There are pirates in Cairo trying to plunder the pyramids, nya!"

"Pirates?" I blinked before something occurred to me. "Oh gods it's Blackbeard's crew isn't it."

"The city was still in chaos after that chick of yours went berserk, when suddenly a pirate fleet came from the Suez Canal. Mrowh! We're used to river pirates, not sea ones!"

"W-What should we do?" Tut was trembling, though with just us she managed to stay outside the sarcophagus. Barely. "If, if my ancestors' sleep is disturbed they'll surely curse us all!"

"Easy: we come to the rescue and set us as the good guys!" Camby punched her palm. "On the Cat-Boat!"

It was a boat with a cat-shaped prow, manned by more of Camby's cat-soldiers. They were fast, yes, but the guy at the drum sounded more like a rock-star.

====

I was right, it was Blackbeard's crew. The common grunts were fighting the local guards, while their leaders went inside one of the biggest pyramids. So we decided to chase after them.

Inside the pyramid... well, it was cramped, and a labyrinth. We also came across several triggered traps, like spears from the walls and a pitfall.

"Nya nya! Those pirates are quite clumsy, they activated basically all the traps on the path to the main chamber." Camby exclaimed while reading the map given to her by the local priests.

"I am so glad I brought this." I muttered as I pulled out old reliable, and by that I mean the half broken cat mask I stole from a pirate ages ago. "Knew we were heading to a cat temple but I didn't think it would be this relevant."

"Uh-Uhm, is it safe? To head inside the pyramid, is it really safe? Father said to only send footsoldiers if necessary, because the ancestors may be indiscriminate..." Tut asked. She was still inside the sarcophagus, and keeping up with us by making it hop.

"No worries, no worries! We catch up with the pirates before they get too far, trash them up like the vandals they are and then leave in a hurry!" Camby promised. "The final chamber is sealed, I doubt they can open it anyway.

There was a loud explosion in the distance, the building trembling from the shockwave.

"I smell gunpowder." Goemon remarked.

"NYAAAA!! I WILL BURY THEM ALIVE!!!" Almost foaming at the mouth an absolutely mad Camby jumped off her chariot and raced ahead, cat-servitors hot on her heels.

"...Well then." I stared at the woman running at the speed of cat before turning back to Tut. "By the way, how fast can you go without leaving that?"

"H-How fast? Uhm, I think I can use healing magic to push myself harder, but I can't keep it up for too long. Oh, and the pain will probably be high... Sorry, I'm sorry. Just leave me behind, I'll try to catch up later..."

"The hell are you saying?" Brave shot through my arms as I picked up the surprisingly heavy coffin and lifted it over my head. "You're the ruler of Egypt! If people are trying to rob your ancestors, you gotta be one of the first ones to stop them! It's fine if you don't want to leave the coffin though, I'll carry you all the way there myself!"

"Eeep!" She let out an embarrassed shriek. "T-T-Thank you very muuuch! Please don't overexert yourself on my behaaalf!!"

"Do not worry Lady Tutankhamun! My Lord has an impressive track in accomplishing tasks that should be too hard or stupid to work." Tama reassured the panicking queen of Egypt.

When we finally arrived at the chamber the entrance was blasted open by explosives, allowing easy access unless you stumble on the rubble left. The room inside was very big, with a raised sarcophagus in the center surrounded by urns, statues and various precious trinkets. Camby was there too, and she was facing three people. The first was a small brown-haired girl in a sailor uniform (that was actually worn by a sailor!) dual wielding cutlasses. The second was-

My eyes widened before I screamed at the top of my lungs. "KIDDDDDDD!!!"

"Iiiiihhh!!!" The blonde shrieked. "I haven't done anything yet!"

"Moron, it's the enemy." The brown-haired girl scolded Kidd. She gave a good look at us and scowled. "What's this? I was not aware we recruited from Zipang, so why do you have one of our crew's masks?"

"Nyahaha, isn't it clear? That is spoils of war, nya can tell from the damage." Spoke the- Holy shit!

"A talking cat!" I exclaimed, pointing at the literal cat with purple fur dressed up in a full pirate costume. And also oh shit that was a lot of guns. Like, way too many for someone without opposable thumbs. "I didn't even know you could do that!"

"Nyahaha! Captain Edward Teach of the Vinland Pirate Corps, here to plunder. Nice to meet nyou." She smiled. "They also call me Blackbeard the Pirate, but since I was cursed into this form I prefer... Catbeard!"

Kidd chuckled, the girl with cutlasses didn't.

"Cursed? Served you right you damn graverobber!" Camby and her servitors were pointing spears at the three pirates. She was livid. "Bastet forgive me, I will not hesitate to skin you!"

"Oh you're just a furry." Well, that was disappointing. What I wouldn't give for a talking cat... "By the way Camby! I brought Tut! Where should I put her?"

"Just put her down!"

"You got it!" I replied, carefully putting the coffin on the floor before patting it on the back. "Ready to come out now or no?"

"Have, have we arrived? How many people are there?!" Tut asked, sounding like she was on the verge of crying.

"Eeek! It talked, the coffin talked!" Kidd exclaimed. "Drake, the body inside the coffin talked!"

"Don't be absurd: things like zombies and g-g-ghosts do not exist!" The eyes of the brown-haired girl, apparently named Drake, were wide as a plate and her legs were shaking. "There is just no way!"

A loud moan filled the chamber, sounding like the death rattle of a corpse in some kind of b-movie.

I turned to Goemon, just to make sure she wasn't screwing with us. She shook her head.

Teach looked around in confusion. "What was that?"

The raised sarcophagus in the center of the room began to shake, white mist coming out through the lid. "WHO DARES DISTURB MY SLEEP?" A literal voice from beyond the grave boomed. "WHO DARES DISTURB THE SLEEP OF I, AHMOSE THE FIRST?"

...Nope.

I had seen a lot since I got yeeted into this bizarre timeline. I've seen every historical figure be a girl, I've seen armies of terracotta soldiers, I've seen cities in absolute squalor, and my home island practically unrecognizable to my eyes. I've met the fucking Illuminati for gods sake, with Satan thrown in their too!

But this?

Hahahaha.

"No...." I let out slowly, backing a step away from that. "Oh god this day went from great to the fucking worst... But damn if that isn't a mood though."

Tut was babbling something from within her sarcophagus, and Camby wisely retreated to stand next to us. Goemon, Tama and Marco were obviously very disturbed by the current development.

Meanwhile Kidd and Drake looked like they died on the spot while standing, and Teach's purple fur lost several shades. "Eh eh eh... Nya may have made a mistake..."

BANG!

Someone punched the sarcophagus from within. Hard.

Screaming like possessed women Kidd and Drake grabbed Teach and, their Brave erupting like a volcano, burst through one of the walls like a cannonball. Their voices were so high-pitched we kept hearing them for a long while.

"TRESPASSERS. DESPOILERS. THIEVES." The ghostly voice boomed again. "I, AHMOSE THE FIRST, WILL NOT FORGI-"

"P-Please wait!" Tut came out of her coffin, looking very pale despite her brown skin. "M-M-My name is Tutankhamun, Queen of Egypt and daughter of Pharaoh Akhenaten of the Thutmosid Dynasty! H-Honored ancestor, I implore you to stay your hand."

"OH?" The sarcophagus stopped doing spooky stuff. Expect for the voice of course. "LET ME CHECK... YES YES, YOU ARE OF MY BLOODLINE. EXPLAIN YOURSELF THEN."

"We-We received word that pirates attacked the city and violated the pyramid, so we rushed here to stop them!"

"I SEE, I SEE. WELL YOU LOT ARE OBVIOUSLY LATE, BUT NOT BY MUCH. ACTUALLY..."

The white mist began to blow through the statues and other trinkets around the coffin.

"CANOPIC JARS ALL ACCOUNTED FOR, GOOD. FOR THE REST... A FEW MINOR ITEMS ARE MISSING, NOTHING TRULY IMPORTANT BUT IT IS THE PRINCIPLE OF THE THING. DESCENDANT OF MINE, I TASK YOU TO RETRIEVE WHAT WAS STOLEN FROM ME AND PUNISH THE CULPRITS. ALSO, PLEASE HAVE MY CHAMBER REPAIRED POST-HASTE: I CAN'T REST PEACEFULLY IN THOSE CONDITIONS."

The white mist formed a feeler and pointed at me.

"ESPECIALLY YOU. YES, YOU: TONE DOWN THE LIGHT, IT'S TOO BRIGHT FOR ME TO SLEEP."

"Light?" I blinked before letting out a sigh. "Oh... I think I know what you mean. That's probably a divine sponsor thing, or the equivalent at any rate. Out of my control, sorry. What's the underworld like anyways?"

"A NICE PLACE: IT'S SIMILAR TO THE LIVING WORLD BUT THERE IS ALSO STUFF LIKE LAKES OF FIRE AND TREES OF TURQUOISE. THINGS TURNED CHAOTIC AFTER OSIRIS AND THE OTHER GODS DISAPPEARED BUT WE MANAGED. WHERE I WAS? OH YES: IF YOU CAN'T TONE IT DOWN PLEASE LEAVE. IN FACT, ALL OF YOU NEED TO LEAVE: TALKING FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE IS TIRING, AND IT WILL BE EVEN WORSE ONCE THE REPAIRS BEGIN. NICE TO MEET YOU AND GOODBYE."

The white mist receded inside the coffin, leaving the room silent as the grave.

"...What did he mean, 'after Osiris and the other gods disappeared'?" Camby asked with a small voice, while Tut was hyperventilating.

"Oh yeah all the gods either died or fucked off ages ago." I waved casually, as if it were common sense. "I'll tell you about it on the way out. Really wanna listen to the pharaoh and skedaddle right now."

He scares me!

====

Notes:

Alex: Pirates like treasures. Pyramids are full of treasures. And apparently the unquiet dead too.

Chen: "Like" is a strong word, but I'm sure they'll treasure the memories made today.

Alex: The pharaoh was also generous, he sent after them a cute shy girl instead of, I don't know, curse their asses into becoming that shiny yellow metal they seem to like so much?

Chen: Listen they were already cursed. What was he going to do, double curse them?