My Light Novel Isekai Story is Stressful As Expected (Eiyuu Senki Friend Insert ft. NekoNekoBoy)

[Winged One]

what the fuck did I just read

 

[NekoNekoBoy]

what the fuck did I just read

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We encountered uh, Chinese Don Quixote I think.

 

[Alexander]

Ah, Sanzou. Continuing the proud tradition of being actually more badass that their original depictions. I mean, sure, she's basically reliant on Goku, but it takes some nerve to be willing to stand up for what is right unhesitatingly. (Also, lel. Chen's first action on meeting her is to drag her back.)

I think you should be familiar with Journey to the West, Chen?

Spoiler: Also

I am eagerly awaiting the Ahsoka encounter. Seriously. I want to hear Chen's reaction to that. Too bad we won't be seeing any other hero until then if my memory serves right.

EDIT: I mean, in terms of Xuanzang depictions. Granted, muscle/martial arts Xuanzang seems to be more the trend recently... (Nasu Xuanzang, and that one joke/crack Chinese comic Xuanzang. The one that is just slightly less OP than Saitama. You know, Tang Hill/Mountain Burial? That one.)

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what the fuck did I just read

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Spoiler

I'm a fan of Saiyuki by Minekura, and I constantly couldn't believe Chen didn't recognize those names. The Don Quixote was absolutely hilarious.

Oh, I'm waiting for Ashoka too. So much so.

 

[Alexander]

Chapter 29: Let The Fox Talk

====

"And that concludes the declaration of war to India." Yoshi put the official seal on the letter I painstakingly wrote, then she faced us all. "It will take some time to receive a response, so meanwhile there is an urgent topic we must discuss. I received a message from Seimei: according to her, someone is planning a revolt in Yamatai."

...What.

"Repeat that again?" I asked, shaking my sore hand. "Like, slowly. Or something. Just, what?"

"Yes, I know: it should be beyond unlikely, but Seimei doesn't lie. Omit some details or phrase her words to imply otherwise, but never lying." Youshi nodded. "She thinks those things over carefully."

"...Okay after hearing a sentence like that I need to hear the full message."

"It says-" Nobu began to read. "There is a revolt brewing in Yamatai. Search every nook and cranny carefully, or disaster will follow. PS: Chen-kun, after you're done with that would you mind doing me a favor and bring a bottle of Fushimi Sake to my shop in Kyoto? Thank you." She hesitated. "There is some kind of...stylized fox at the end. I don't know what it is, but it looks sickeningly cute."

My eyes went wide before I took a deep breath,."So, it has come to this."

"Don't tell me Oni-san, you also suspected someone was planning a revolt there?" Himiko asked.

"Oh no, it's so much worse than that." I looked to the side. "You know those things I bring to Brigade Meetings sometimes?"

"Things...oh, you mean the super secret thingamabobs?"

"What." Nobu repeated, which was answered with a 'don't ask' gesture from Yoshi.

"Yeah uh, we kind of owe favors to the foxes now." My hand waved over a baffled Nobu,."Like, a lot of favors."

"If you asked Seimei for favors without expecting to be swept up by her whims in the future, you deserve everything that's coming for you." Yoshi dryly told me. "In any case, we need to conduct an complete investigation of Yamatai. A few but trusted people will suffice to do so."

"Uh, yeah I'm pretty sure the rest of the brigade besides Shi has to go with me on this one." I may or may not have given the favors as the 'Entire Idiot Brigade'. "Let's… Let's just grab Tama as a replacement and not try to think about our impending doom."

Please don't kill me.

====

"And that concludes the last report" Tama finished. "There are absolutely no indications whatsoever that a revolt is underway within Yamatai."

"So…" I began. "No human revolts?"

"Nothing is revolting within Yamatai." The tiny woman nodded. "Or if they are, they're exceptionally good at hiding themselves."

"We planned carefully though, didn't we?" Himiko frowned. "Maybe they're lying in ambush somewhere...?"

"I think the chances of that are slim." Yoshi interjected. "It's strange that there's not even a sign of them."

"So could it be Seimei was mistaken?" The miko wondered.

"I think that's probably not too likely either. She must have meant something by telling us this. Some sort of purpose."

"The divination magic she uses has a lot of rules..." Himiko conceded. "It's known as 'Katatagae'. In order to avoid going in an unlucky direction, she's brought us in a different direction to get to the same place. Perhaps that idea has something to do with this?"

"That… Made no sense." I looked at the rest of the room's occupants. "Raise your hand if you understood a word of that."

Only Yoshi, Tama, and Himiko raised their hands.

"My point still stands!"

====

Getting Sei's saké was harder than I'd like to admit.

Like, really really hard.

Mostly because we had to convince a bunch of shop owners that no, we the illegal underage kids of the group weren't going to go drinking, yes Tama was twenty years old, no we aren't related at all so you should probably stop asking stupid questions.

And then that guy refused to sell it to us anyways.

The prick.

But anyways, here I am, heading on over to Sei's shop alone because the others fucking bailed on me the moment I got the bottle! And the worst part is that I was constantly on edge because if the police caught me walking around alone with a bottle a huge misunderstanding might occur!

So after several back alley ducklings I had finally managed to reach Sei's shop.

"...I wish I had something to say here." I declared as I opened the door. "I got your goddamn alcohol Sei!"

"Ah, it's you!" Sei's head popped out from behind a corner. "This speeds things up a bit. I'm already closin' up shop."

"Did she just switch accents?" I muttered to myself before placing the bag I had hidden the bottle in on the table. "Right anyways, thanks for making me spend the past hour skirting on the edge of the law."

"Oh my, did you have troubles making such a simple delivery? You're not telling me the saké from Fushimi is now illegal, are you? My delicate heart would break." Still smiling she took the bottle. "That's it, that's it! I finally got it~! Yahhh, thank you so much. I'm so glad."

I sighed before leaning on the counter. "Sei I don't know if you've noticed but I am not the legal age to drink. Legally speaking, I can't drink alcohol. Nor can I buy it, or just be seen holding it in general. The bottle isn't illegal, I am."

"You don't have to worry about that, you know? People around here are rather lax." She smiled. "But still, let me make it up to you for that. It's a shame we can't drink saké together yet, but what do you say about keeping me company? Even if it's not saké, we can still drink together."

"...A glass of cold milk."

"Easy. Normal milk, soy milk or rice milk?"

"Normal milk." Soy milk, bleh. And what the hell is Rice Milk? Is it that disgusting crap they serve in Japanese schools? "Now I'm just gonna go find a place to sit, I doubt we're drinking at the counter."

"Leave it to me. Shikigami, take this to the usual spot." A paper doll picked up the bottle and scuttled to the back of the shop. "The porch is a much better place to drink on a day like today when the weather is so nice. You coming here must be some sort of fate."

"Um if by Fate you mean you literally calling me here then sure."

"Well, I still thought I might get dumped." She said as if it wasn't a big deal. "At times like those, I just drink all by my lonesome."

"Poor Sei, too busy drinking the day a way to ever find a man." I sighed exaggeratedly. "And thus the legend of the Lonely Immortal Shopkeeper continues to be told in Kyoto to this day."

"Ara. You shouldn't tease a lady like that, you will never find a girlfriend this way." The blonde pouted slightly. "But I suppose I'm also a bit selfish, wanting someone who share my same interests."

"Well the jokes on you! I was never gonna find one anyways." My feet paused. "...Okay changing topics, interests? Like, Alcohol?"

"Fine alcohol, Onmyodo arts, an easy going life, nice sceneries, odd trinkets, medicinal arts, youkai...oh dear, dear. Now I sound like an old woman." She giggled. "Let's just enjoy ourselves, mh? Today's been nothing but good, and it's lookin' like it's going to be that way well into the night…"

====

So here I was, a glass of milk in my hands while an older woman was drinking saké next to me.

I stared at the glass in my hands.

"Well, here goes nothing." Hesitantly I took a si-

Oh.

Oh gods this tastes terrible.

"Water!"

A paper doll offered me a glass of said water before I quickly grabbed the glass and downed the entire thing. The sound of a thump landed on the table before I let out a sigh in relief. "Fucking hell you call that shit milk?"

"My. Even a small dusting of aromatizing spices is too much?" Rather than being offended Sei had a thoughtful expression. "You have such a picky stomach Chen-kun."

"...Why would you put spices in milk?!" I, I just. My eyes glanced to the shikigami. "Another glass of water please."

"Wait." From within one of her long sleeves Sei took out a small paper bag. Opening it revealed a pile of small reddish spheres. "Take one with the water, then try the milk again."

"Alright?" She better not be drugging me…

I downed the water before looking at the glass of milk. Alright take two!

My hands brought the glass too my lips before I took a sip of it, and then instantly downed the rest of the glass. "Holy hell this is… It's… Well it still tastes a little funky but that's a problem with the milk and not a problem with me. What did you give me?"

"I am also a medic, you know?" She smiled impishly. "I heard how you have troubles eating certain types of food, so I thought about helping. The effects of each pill last a day, so be sure to take one before breakfast every day."

"I…" That's, this is. "I can eat?"

Excuse my entire world just got shattered allow me to restart my brain.

"Everything you want, all you want~! Except things that are bad for your health, like poison of course."

"...Thank you?" I mumbled hesitantly. "I'm just going to change the topic before it sinks in and I start flipping out."

"Suuure." She sipped more of her saké, eyes closed and lips set into a pleased smirk. "Where do you think is the best place to have a drink while relaxing?"

"Who knows, I'm not big on drinking anything." A sigh escaped my lips,."Somewhere quiet I suppose."

"Quiet is nice, but it needs to be good to look at. Sakura blooming is among the best, of course, but places like a wild mountain are also nice. I found that places where the time seems to slow down are the best."

"As long as the drink is good and it's nice and quiet I don't really care what I drink." A new glass arrived at the table. "I'm not really paying attention to the scenery anyways."

"You should. If you're paying attention to the scenery, you're not paying attention to who you are drinking with." She poured herself more alcohol. "People might feel neglected that way."

"More when I drink alone, I'm talking to you now right?"

"Eh eh." She giggled. "That's true."

"Speaking of talking, I should probably use this opportunity to ask about your… Onmioudie arts." I paused. "Yes I know I butchered that name shush."

"Onmyodo. It means 'The Way of the Yin and Yang'." She said. "The principle is that the world is made up of certain elements that are all linked between each other, so if you can read and predict how they interact you can do things like divining the future, or avoiding bad luck with 'Katatagae'."

"That… sounds like an extended form of chemistry. But with magic." Wait a minute… "Ah you probably don't know what chemistry is do you?"

"Uhm, maybe you're thinking of the study of matter and its transformations? That'd be alchemy." She nodded. "I suppose the ways to approach them are similar, but Onmyodo deals with phenomenons. Still, most Onmyōji nowadays either do fortune telling or chase away youkai, since there isn't much need for the most esoteric arts."

"Isn't curiosity enough?" I asked. "I might be a bit biased since there's no Brave at all where I come from but even if there is no need, simply wanting to know is a good enough reason in my book."

"It's good enough for recording, but without practical uses an important reason for learning them is lacking." She took another sip from her glass. "And then, there are the so-called 'forbidden arts', like reanimating dead bodies and laying curses. Those are quite nasty. But do tell me." She tilted her head. "If you have no knowledge of Brave where you come from, how do you use magic? Does magic even exist at all?"

"Ah, no. No it doesn't." How to explain this… "Things like magic, youkai, curses, etc. None of it exists back home, or at least not that I or the general populous know of. It's all… fiction? Stories? The best way to put it is that it's a fantasy back home, but it isn't reality. We don't even know if Gods exists, though considering the state of things here that question is still up for debate."

"I would reply that a world like that is the real fiction, but that's just the result of different perspectives." She hummed. "But, if you put that aside, are yours and our world truly that different?"

"Well, no." My arms shrugged. "Events, places, and even people may have changed but at the end of the day the core is still the same. Japan may be known as Zipang here but it's still Japan, Britannia is still Britain, Taika is still China, and Nobu, Lancelot, Arthur, probably Yoshi, BenBen, and even you may all have swapped genders but you're still Nobunaga, Lancelot, Arthur, Yoshitsune, Benkei, and Abe no Seimei. Both worlds seem different but at the end of the day they're two sides of the same coin."

The next moment I found Sei's face uncomfortably close to mine. "What's this about swapped genders?"

"Woah woah back off!" I exclaimed before coughing. "Yeah people here like Nobu, Lu, Sun, Lancelot, Arthur, and I'm pretty sure even you were men back home. Is, is there a problem?"

"And you...told them about this?"

"Well… They haven't asked? No one's actually asked me much about my timeline anyways."

"...Uh uh. Uh uh uh." Sei began to quietly laugh, one hand covering her mouth, before she snapped her fingers. Paper dolls carrying writing tools came running to our spot. "Please tell me everything you know about those alternates from your world, Chen-kun~"

"Well, I mean, first thing that comes to mind is…"

====

...Why is everyone angry at me? And why was Sei the only one who looked pleased?

"We have received India's response to our declaration of war." Yoshi began, her face a mask of stone. "There was no signature on it, and the content can be summed as 'If you barbarians try to step foot in our holy nation, you will regret it'."

"This is not dignified at all." Nobu commented while looking at said letter. "This doesn't sound like a challenge, this sounds like a brat trying to pick a fight."

"Deus Vult." I whispered under my breath. "Did they actually call it a holy city?"

"Holy nation, holy city, even the holy river...Well, the tone is that." The pink-haired girl narrowed one eye. "What does 'Deus Vult' even mean?"

"It's a history joke don't question it- Oh right! We fought you after Kyoto!" Why was Yoshi's look even flatter? "Anyways, they kind of make me want to never step into the city at all and just take it down from afar."

"To make the sinners regret their wrongdoings and open themselves the gates. Truly a magnificient idea, Hakkai." Sanzou rapped her staff, making the rings chime. "Now then, Goku, Hakkai, Gojyo: this is the beginning of my judgment! This moxa will take care of the man-eating devil Ashoka!"

"...Right." I turned back to the table. "Does anyone know if India is allied to any other countries?"

"No. Beside Hong Kong the only countries it confines to are Macedonia in the West and a few islands in the south that have recently became an EU colony." Tama replied.

"Well there goes that plan, time for plan B!" I declared. "This is gonna sound wrong by can we just like, throw dead bodies at them and poison the water supplies while blocking out any trading beyond their land? That'd… Well that'd take time but it's kind of funny to think of their land as holy when it's sick and dying."

Nobu turned to Yoshi. "Can I do it?"

She nodded. "Go ahead."

The pink-haired girl stood up and slowly moved close to me. I held up a hand, "Bad idea? Bad idea. Yeah you're in the right this time."

And then she hit me.

Hard.

"THINK BEFORE SPEAKING, YOU DAMN BRAT!!!"

I kind of deserved it, I feel terrible for even suggesting it.

===

Notes:

Chen: Whoops. That was… a mistake. I'm just gonna go sit in the corner now.

Alex: Wow man, I know that kind of things was once done...but it was most often for desperation.

Chen: Just shut up and let me apologize.

 

[Ricrod]

"Bad idea? Bad idea. Yeah you're in the right this time."

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How so? It's a great idea!

 

[NekoNekoBoy]

How so? It's a great idea!

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Genocide on a mass scale is a bad idea.

 

[Iron Roby]

I know Eiyuu Senki is an anachronistic mishmash of the most chaotic order, but somehow, a pre-modern society like Zipang possessing a concept of legal drinking age gets my inner historian crying faster than Arthurian Era Britain having colonized Hong Kong before the rule of Qin Shi Huang.

 

[NekoNekoBoy]

I know Eiyuu Senki is an anachronistic mishmash of the most chaotic order, but somehow, a pre-modern society like Zipang possessing a concept of legal drinking age gets my inner historian crying faster than Arthurian Era Britain having colonized Hong Kong before the rule of Qin Shi Huang.

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They sell fashion magazines and manga.

Eiyuu Senki is literally the bizarro world of this timeline.

 

[Mizu]

It's good you realized your mistake, Daze, but also horrible that you even suggested chemical warfare in the first place. That stuff's banned under the UN for a good reason!

 

[EvaUnit01]

It's good you realized your mistake, Daze, but also horrible that you even suggested chemical warfare in the first place. That stuff's banned under the UN for a good reason!

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Chemical, or biological?

Although I'm actually tickled that Nobunaga is the first one to express an objection to it.

 

[ShadowAngelBeta]

To be fair, this is why you don't put civilians in charge of military operations.

They might have a talent for it, but they don't really have a line in the sand drawn for them as a measuring stick of when too far is too far. Chen's just probably grabbing a mish-mash of half-remembered military strategies that won battles and regurgitating them.

Which isn't necessarily bad. As long as you're flexible with them, they did win for a reason after all.

It's just, again, a civilian is likely to end up spitting ones out that are too much without realizing it. Except for with hindsight.

So... kinda-sorta Chen's fault, cause really?, but at the same time he's just never been taught otherwise.

 

[NekoNekoBoy]

They might have a talent for it

Click to shrink...

Pfft, you're kidding right?

Chen's just probably grabbing a mish-mash of half-remembered military strategies that won battles and regurgitating them.

Click to shrink...

Yeah that's basically it.

 

[Alexander]

Chapter 30: Funkytown

====

"Some day, some fucking day, people will stop being able to pull this on us." I stared at the seemingly empty city in front of me, it's gates wide open. "Yoshi already pulled this on me once, and that's why we got Tama. Do we need more Tamas?"

It had been two weeks or so since that disaster of a meeting and after thinking for a bit time seemed to fly and here we were, on the invasion track to Ayttthaye? Ayutthoth? Ayuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!!!!!!!!!!

I'm sure it was pronounced in human tongue somehow.

I hope.

"This is a trap. Anyone who fails to realize it is in need of remedial lessons all summer long." Sun declared. "Yoshitsune, can I know how you employed this stratagem?"

"I had the citizens of Kyoto evacuate before the battle and hid my troops for a pincer attack." She explained before gesturing to the wall around the city and the very flat landscape around it. "But it's impossible to pull that here."

"True. Then…" I could almost see the gears turning inside her head. "I see! The cases are two: either the Maharaja flew with his loyal troops, and the citizens are too afraid to come out now, or they have decided to make the city itself into a battlefield. It's the 'Labyrinth' tactic."

"No I'm pretty sure that's not what a labyrinth is at all." With a sigh I picked up a rock and threw it into the city gates, nothing. "Alright I have an idea, but since I'm pretty much banned from decision making let's hear some opinions."*

"The 'Labyrinth' tactic is about forcing the enemy to fight you in an environment they have troubles navigating through, while you can move around easily." Sun explained. "This will be on the test."

"I don't remember signing up for 'The Art of War 101'."

"Art of War...Simple, yet meaningful! What an excellent title!" She beamed. "Anyway, back on the current topic. Engage people with what they expect; it is what they are able to discern and confirms their projections. It settles them into predictable patterns of response, occupying their minds while you wait for the extraordinary moment — that which they cannot anticipate. We shall pretend to fall for the enemy tactic, while in truth waiting for a selected stealth unit to locate the enemy troops and draw an approximative map of the city. At that point, instead of chasing them everywhere, we will go straight for the head - the Maharaja!"

"Alright Tama," I called. "You're up. That is literally you're job description, do a good enough job and you'll get a raise."

I glanced over towards Yoshi. "I can still do that right?" She replied with a nod.

"Actually, I would like to request Lady Seimei's assistance." The bespectacled girl replied. "Her Shikigami's help would be invaluable to make sure reports are relayed swiftly."

"I don't mind." The foxy girl said with an easygoing tone.

"...Wait a goddamn minute, the city's flat. Sei is there nothing stopping you from just say, scrying the city from above and a couple different angles so we can just copy the map off of that?"

"Just one thing: my Shikigami's eyesight is limited to ten meters around them."

I gave her a blank stare. "You're… just seeing through your Shikigami."

She looked at me like a teacher looking at a not particularly bright student. I twitched. "They are still made of paper, so the seeing is made with magic. And that spell has a limited range: anything beyond ten meters is hazy and blurred."

"They can still move though right?"

"Seimei, it's worth a try." Yoshitsune supported me.

"Oh, alright. Gotta earn my booze anyway." Taking out a piece of paper she expertly folded it into an origami bird. She breathed on it, the bird coming alive and taking flight.

Not even a minute passed before Seimai winced. "Ooops. Something destroyed my Shikigami the moment it crossed the wall."

"Ah ah, I see! They're laying in wait." Sun nodded. "This can be turned to our advantage if they think that was our best option."

"Well it's certainly not the worst…" I mumbled to myself. "But at least now we know that they are, in fact, there. Nobody is surprised but… Ah, if we're still going with the map plan we could have Lancelot cover Tama, her purple butter knife should keep them off Tama's trail."

"Mouu. Chen, that's mean." Lancelot pouted. "You can't call Arondight a butter knife."

"She says, as she uses him to cut butter."

"I don't!"

"Okay, I believe you."

"Inou Tadataka, Abe no Seimei and Lancelot will form our Scouting and Mapping Unit." Sun said. "While the main army will advance through the city in groups of five people each, with the archers staying behind. It is also necessary they switch to short weapons."

"Wait Sun, what about me?" Lu asked. "I need Sky Piercer to do my best."

"You're exempt for that Lu. We all know that, between you and an obstacle, it's the obstacle that give way."

====

My first impression of Gobbledygook city!

"This place looks even more shitter the further inside you go."

The dominant color was a copper brown, from the streets to the buildings. There were a few patches of vegetation here and there, and pieces of fabric hung around the windows added a few more colors, but beside the large white palace in the center the whole city was definitely dominated by the same reddish brown.

Oh, and the smell too. It was like whoever lived there never heard of baths.

"I'm pretty sure that if the Counter Force didn't block my sense of smell I would've already started choking." I mumbled. "Ye gods this is like, the epitome of class warfare."

"What kind of living conditions are these?" Nobu had a handkerchief over her mouth. "I cannot believe India is so poor."

"The wealth of this country may not be distributed equally." Yoshitsune and BenBen were imitating Nobu, while Sasaki was stoically enduring it. "It would fit a tyrannical government. Also, water is scarce in this country."

"Maybe, but even then the people should have thought of a few countermeasures. About that, I heard cows are sacred in India and allowed to do as they please." She looked into a back alley and shuddered. "Of all the retarded traditions…"

"Ohhhhh. So what I smell is bullshit." I gagged slightly. "There's, there's really no words for this situation. This is the most stereotypical rich vs poor society I have ever seen."

Suddenly my sense of hearing sharply increased, allowing me to hear multiple something moving through the air towards us.

"HEADS UP HEADS DOWN DUCK MOTHERFUCKERS!" I yelled before I dropped to the ground.

The objects passed above me with a spinning sound. When I turned around I saw that everyone followed my advice and were not hurt. We weren't but- Holy shit.

Embedded into the walls and ground was a weapon I was pretty sure wasn't even practical and I'd seen tongs used as a weapon.

Spinning Throwing Disks.

They probably have a better name but I can't be arsed to think on it at the moment.

Still, if someone was using throwing disks…

"Okay everyone Hero at who the fuck knows a clock!" I yelled, getting back up on my feet. "Battle time yo!"

"That didn't even make sense!" Nobu yelled.

"I see them!" BenBen took out a spiked ball with chain attached and tossed it at the rooftop of a nearby building. The impact made it partially crumble, which was followed by several figures jumping from it to other rooftops.

Then several more figures emerged from the buildings around us, men and women wearing simple clothes with not a single piece of armor and wielding- "What the fuck is that."

It- It was like, like a dual sided lightsaber? Well they held it like one but on both ends were like claws? Or something?

I don't know it was fucking stupid that's what it was.

One of them jumped towards me with a wordless battle cry, aiming to crush my skull with one end of his strange weapon. Only to be punched in the face by a flaming fist.

At least, that was what should have happened. Instead he bend backward until the top of his head touched the ground, the spine that should have snapped loudly remaining silent. He crawled through his own legs before he unfurled, moving towards me again while remaining close to the ground.

"OH SHIT!" I exclaimed, fire exploding around me in a ring. "Holy shit that's creepy!"

The guy retreated before the fire, but was immediately replaced by more spinning disks thrown my way. The sound of metal colliding echoed through the streets as I used Kusanagi to parry them away from me, sending them flying into the walls with a loud thud.

I, too, landed with a loud thud on the ground as something pink crashed into me from behind- "Ow what the fu- Nobu?!"

"Those assholes hit like mutherfuckers!" She growled, her armor cracked in one place. She shot at the guy following after her, but he deflected the shot with his weapon. "Fucking martial arts masters!"

…I looked away from her, "Okay first, you are most definitely changing armors when we get back! Second, how's everyone else?!"

Yoshi was darting around while exchanging blows with her assailants: she was fast and more agile, but their high reaction time and teamwork allowed them to keep up. BenBen was using her own steel gauntlets to fight back, which quickly taught them to keep their distance. Finally Sasaki had cleared an area around herself as long as her sword, with anything entering it quickly tasting the sharp edge of her weapon: how she managed to swing around such a long sword so swiftly and gracefully was a mystery.

"...Well, shit. None of us can actually hit them." That was bad. "So I don't suppose you have some AOE- er, Area of Effect skills on you?"*

"If I had one I would have used it already!" She stood up and shot an another enemy. "Yoshitsune!"

"We must change location!" Opening a path she motioned for us to follow her.

"MOVE MOTHER FUCKERS MOVE!"

"MUNYAAAAH!"

"A few against many is hardly honorable!"

"SHUT UP AND MOVE RED!"

====

Yoshi lead up inside a back alley. I was about to question why she thought it was a good idea when she had BenBen blow a hole in the wall. Through it we moved inside the building, which turned out to be a residence of some sort.

"Kojiro-dono, guard the stairs that go up." Yoshitsune instructed. "Benkei, the stairs that go down. Chen-kun, Nobunaga: you and me will guard the windows."

"I have no idea what you're thinking!" I exclaimed, following her. "So, plan?"

"We force them to engage us in a place where they can't just swarm us." She explained. "And since they lack high destructive capacities they cannot bring down the building with us inside. It's temporary of course. Chen!" She pointed at me.

I snapped my fingers. "You're next words are, 'Don't burn the building down by using fire.'"

They probabaly weren't!

"I don't care if you burn down the building, as long as we have an escape route ready. What I need you to do, is to use Tsumugari no Tachi once we know where all enemies are located. Wipe them all out with a single strike."

"I- Y- You kno- Actually nevermind fuck it. We'll go with that."

"YAH!" BenBen swung her mace at a woman that came up the stairs, slamming her back on the lower floor. "They're here!"

"Oooh! It's on now!" Reloading her musket Nobu went to a window, took aim and shot. "Bullseye!" She dodged to the side a few spinning disks, went back to the window and shot again.

"You got a spare musket on you?" I asked, summoning a flame in my hand. "Other wise I'm going to have to start throwing fire."

She grabbed a chair, broke it and tossed the remaining piece at me. "Save the Brave, throw stuff."

I grabbed the piece before tossing it in the general direction of the martial artists, "Oh god I'm going to have to use my second weapon."

She paused in her shooting and looked at me. "I know I'll regret asking, but which weapon?"

"I'm just go insult and throw things at them while you shoot." I replied with a grin, before grabbing another chair leg and throwing it out the window, "HEY DICKWEED-"

====

So after some creative insults and an extensive use of broken furniture and fire (which make a pretty deadly combo to be honest), we finally made it to the Maharararararar-

"Mahrararaja?"

"Maharaja." Himiko corrected me, eyes widen. "Uwaah, everything looks so expensive…"

Yeah she wasn't wrong. The look from the outside didn't even begin to cover it, the entire palace was adorned with more gold and jewels than Fort Knox. In fact, I had to actually cover my eyes at first because of how shiny everything is.

"Behold," I declared, raising my arm in the air. "The home of the 1%."

"The rumors of a tyrannical government seem to be true. If it's like this here, conditions are probably similar in the other cities."

"No traces of the Maharaja." A tired Sun sit down on a soft cushion. "Leading the army were just some low-ranked general. I wonder where did he go?"

"But the townspeople have been liberated." Himiko replied. "We found them gathered by force in a small valley in the west. It makes me proud to be welcomed by them all. If we continued to expand Zipang's territory like this, it won't be long before they make bronze statues of me and Onii-san." She giggled. "Just imagining it-"

I chopped her on the head. "No. No statues. Period. End of discussion."

"A statue just means you're popular, you know!?" She covered the area I hit with her hands. "After we've achieved world conquest, a giant gold statue in every country!"

"But think about it Himiko, what would we even do with a bunch of statues of ourselves?" I'mma try and shatter this girl's delusions! "They're just gonna like, stand there, every day, no matter what happens. People won't care after a couple of decades, and that's not going to stop nature from literally shitting on them. What are you gonna do huh Himiko? Are you going to tax the world by having everyone be required to clean the gold statue every day? Just for what, your own glory?"

I waved my hands back to the palace, "Face the truth Himiko! At the end of the road of having your own monuments, is finding yourself right back here with the only difference being that the palace belongs to you! Are you willing to become the one percent just for your own popularity!?"

"Uwaaah! No fair Onii-san! Using logic against me is not fair!" Himiko cried out. Then she immediately perked up. "I know! Instead of statues, we will make inspirational posters! Cheap to make, and can be upgraded as needed!"

"It won't take five years until a majority of them end up in the trash."

"Having one in each house will be mandatory! It's not like I'm taking away their money or something, so people have no reason to refuse!"

"But then not having them would be illegal. So the police would have to regularly break into people's homes just to check if they have their Himiko poster. Friends will snitch on friends that don't have their Himiko poster out of fear of the consequences. You'll create a society of fear and paranoia. It'll be like North Korea, but worse because you're in charge."

"Kyaaah!" Himiko was seriously distressed now. "I'll-I'LL CARVE MY FACE ON A MOUNTAIN!"

"America did that first and Mount Rushmore is more of a tourist trap. People will come in by the droves for it's historical value but that just makes it easy for merchants to go and scam people out of their money. Plus, you'd have to hire the builders to carve your face into a mountain in the first place, which could take years of work and significantly tax the country. Your very face will become a symbol of greed and overspending."

"Can't you just create a festivity for the day you completed world conquest?" Sun asked with a bored tone.

Himiko fell silent, eyes sparkling from the scenarios she was imagining inside her head.

I opened my mouth only to let out a "Ghk!" as Yoshi elbowed me in the stomach, "Let her have this one."

Fine fine.

Dreams aren't a bad thing to have anyways.

=====

Notes:

Alex: Please can we stop writing I've been at my computer for eight hours no-

Whipping noises

Chen: Keep writing slave!

Alex: Isn't it four am for you?!

Chen: DOES IT LOOK LIKE I CARE!?

 

[NekoNekoBoy]

"Okay, I believe you."

Click to shrink...

I realize this never came across in the text but this was said in the flattest tone I could manage.

 

[Winged One]

I realize this never came across in the text but this was said in the flattest tone I could manage.

Click to shrink...

I was thinking it was in a shifty, obviously-lying tone.

So, how were you going to shoot down the unification festival idea?

 

[NekoNekoBoy]

So, how were you going to shoot down the unification festival idea?

Click to shrink...

Once again point out that eventually people will exploit it for marketing potential but it'd be even worse because it'd probably be more like Black Friday.

And I don't need to explain the shit that goes down on Black Friday.

 

[EvaUnit01]

Once again point out that eventually people will exploit it for marketing potential but it'd be even worse because it'd probably be more like Black Friday.

And I don't need to explain the shit that goes down on Black Friday.

Click to shrink...

I was thinking it'd be more like Independence Day.

Which still has a lot of marketing go down, but not nearly as bad as Black Friday.

 

[Iron Roby]

Why would you ever stand against beauty like that?

 

[EvaUnit01]

Why would you ever stand against beauty like that?

Click to shrink...

Because it/she really isn't all ''that'' beautiful, probabl-

<is shot>

 

[EmpirePlayer]

The problem is, knowing Himiko the statues are going to be literally 99% pure gold. Which is soft. Like how soft? Soft enough that in all likelyhood it might deform under its own weight if it's big enough.

Do you want to see your golden likeness deform and melt slo-mo, Himiko? Imagine it. The body of the statue slowly melting under the weight, until people look at that Himiko statue and wonder just how hunchbacked were you? Imagine it! 100 years from now people will look at your hunchbacked statue and wonder just how did the now-gone princess become hunchbacked at such a young age?

Or perhaps people might want it? Because it's gold. Imagine waking up in the morning, then going out on a walk. Then you see that your golden image's head and arms are gone - chopped off and carried off by bandits in the dead of night. Imagine it, your statue, only the head and arms are gone! Here stands Headless Himiko! What then, Himiko?

 

[NekoNekoBoy]

Why would you ever stand against beauty like that?

Click to shrink...

Oh my god.

Because it/she really isn't all ''that'' beautiful, probabl-

<is shot>

Click to shrink...

He's not wrong.

The problem is, knowing Himiko the statues are going to be literally 99% pure gold. Which is soft. Like how soft? Soft enough that in all likelyhood it might deform under its own weight if it's big enough.

Do you want to see your golden likeness deform and melt slo-mo, Himiko? Imagine it. The body of the statue slowly melting under the weight, until people look at that Himiko statue and wonder just how hunchbacked were you? Imagine it! 100 years from now people will look at your hunchbacked statue and wonder just how did the now-gone princess become hunchbacked at such a young age?

Or perhaps people might want it? Because it's gold. Imagine waking up in the morning, then going out on a walk. Then you see that your golden image's head and arms are gone - chopped off and carried off by bandits in the dead of night. Imagine it, your statue, only the head and arms are gone! Here stands Headless Himiko! What then, Himiko?

Click to shrink...

Chen: "Himiko Himiko-"

EP: "Himiko Himiko-"

Chen: "Himiko Himiko-"

EP: "Himiko Himiko-"

Both: "Himiko Himiko-"

Himiko: "KYA! SHUT UP!!!"

...

Chen: "Himiko Himik- Grk!"

 

[Alexander]

Chapter 31: Sexy and I Know it

====

There's probably a saying out there somewhere, something about how the deeper you look into something, the worse it gets.

That's basically India, but on a mass scale.

Like no, I'm not kidding the deeper we delve into this country the worse the corruption seems to get. It's like they're purposefully mocking us half the time as the gap between the rich and the poor seems to get wider and wider despite the fact that we were getting closer to the richer parts of India.

And that's not even mentioning the fact that the 1% keeps on managing to get away from us! Some fucking how they're never here when we try to conquer the city! I'm starting to doubt that they even exist in the first place!

I have to hand it to them though, if they do exist than they're very good at being a little bitch.

"W-Why?!" Himiko surveyed the empty palace of our latest conquest, Delhi, with an incredulous look. "The Maharaja...He's gone! Again!"

"I'm starting to wonder if he's just a big joke India is playing on us." I sighed, putting a hand to my head. "We've surrounded the city before and he still managed to escape, was he even there?"

"Perhaps there is a secret passage somewhere?" Himiko mused. "Maybe they used that to escape."

"If there was someone would've discovered it when we surveyed the palaces." And may or may not have let a few angry citizens make a mess of the place, "I don't get it, is he invisible or something?!"

"It'd be much easier if they would just give up and come out to fight us already..."

A staff tapped against the ground, the jingle of metal rings signaling the arrival of Sanzou. "As long as our hearts are just, evil will never prevail on earth! It looks like it's finally my turn. Leave this to me, Hakkai."

"Alright, fine, do what you have to. I even give you permission to release the monkey king if things come down to it."

"The cruel scars left by the Maharaja... First, we must close the wound and let the people rise up! Hakkai, please gather the people in the main square. I will find the Maharaja. And have Gojyo helps you: I understand that it takes time for her broken arm to heal, but it isn't an excuse to slack off."

"Why do I have a bad feeling about this...?" Himiko muttered with dread.

====

"Right we got 'em in a square, what now?"

I swear to god if she was going to lecture them and we'd have a brainwashed army on our hands...

"Good work. You've always been good at gathering people, Hakkai." Sanzou praised me. "Goku, are you ready?"

The monkey cried in agreement.

"Heheh, well said. Then, let's start the sermon. To heal the hearts of the people and make them well again."

A few loud thumps of her staff were enough to gather the general attention. Without even taking a deep breath Sanzou began speaking with a soothing voice: "I believe that to live is to struggle... But the people in this world do not believe that there are things to struggle against-"

And that was about all I managed to hear before an instinctive fear gripped my heart and I ran as far away from the scene as possible.

When they managed to find me five hours later somewhere in a house at the very end of the city, the soldiers had bloodshot eyes and I for one smelled like literal shit. It was a bad day but apparently the Majajajaja had finally been found hiding in the civilians.

...I should listen to my gut more.

====

A week later after that nightmarish event we finally managed to make it to the final city. The final stand before we truly conquered India. We had made it to-

"Gandhara." Yoshi sighed.

"Ganandhara."

"Gandhara."

"Gandihara."

"You're doing this on purpose aren't you."

I didn't answer that question.

The city was different than the others. Situated in the mountains, most of the buildings were carved out of stones and cliff faces, with giant Buddha statues spread everywhere giving it a somber and austere feeling. While the numerous plants, rivers and waterfalls provided to the citizens' needs.

"Everyone, did you notice?" Himiko pointed out when we arrived in sight of the city. For once, the local army was waiting for us outside of it.

"The enemy movements in this city are totally different than what we're seen until now." Sun immediately pointed out. "There's such a big difference in their skill and control that it's almost as if it's an entirely different country."

"It's different from the other cities in that it's flourishing too." Nobu added. "Ashoka's city...to think it would be so different from the rest of India."

"So we can get two possibilities from this." I put a hand to my chin, "Well, maybe just one: Ashoka is a competent ruler but for various reasons cannot extended her actual reign of power to the other cities in India."

"That sounds possible." Yoshi nodded. "Still, for the Maharaja to be so incompetent without her doing anything about it..."

"Simple answer, maybe. You said that there were reports of her trying to clean up the country before it suddenly nosedived into the terrible mess it is today right?"

"Yes. All the stories agree that she initially rose as a defender of the people."

"Than we can reasonably assume that it wasn't her that caused the corruption but rather outside interference." I tilted my head, "Say, someone managed to get a secret of hers and then blackmailed her? Or maybe threatened someone close to her? That person would then be someone on the side of the Maharaja, which would mean that the Maharaja have complete power over India. With them having nothing to fear from the Empress of their country, they would naturally feel invincible and that nothing could touch them, which allowed the corruption to fester even more and with people looking to the Empress while she couldn't do anything..."

I pointed a finger behind me to the rest of India, "That. Then again, I could be wrong."

I'm always wrong whenever I seem to have a clue after all.

"It isn't outside of the realm of possibilities." Yoshi conceded, looking impressed.

"Now! The time has come to take back our freedom." Sanzou thumped her staff into the ground, eyes ablaze with religious passion. "To set right this corrupt country and return it to its original state!"

"But who's going to explain it to her?" The ponytailed girl finished, tilting her head towards Sanzou.

"Oi Sanzou!" I yelled, "A third party may have been involved in Ashoka's corruption against her own will so if that turns out to be the case you must make the one who forced her down the path of evil see the light and allow her just heart to return!"

Okay I have been spending way too much time around that women.

"Color me pleasantly surprised." Sun said. "So they don't call you the Savant of Zipang for nothing."

"Eh," I shrugged, "I haven't had any of these weird little moments since I arrived in Taika and I'm always 100% wrong so..."

Internally I was laughing but honestly yeah for once I wanted to be right.

"So you've shown yourselves." Someone called out from the other army before a figure flanked by bodyguards moved within sight. "Greetings. I am Ashoka."

She was a tan haired women with white veils on her body... and uh.

"OKAY TIMEOUT!" I crossed my arms, "YOU! WOMAN! WHAT! WHERE ARE YOUR CLOTHES?!"

"O-Oni-san!" A red-faced Himiko yelled. "Don't look! She's a pervert! A pervert has appeared! ...What little self-respect I had is fading too..."

"I've heard you were an evil group, so I've come before you can deploy some trap, but..." Her stern eyes narrowed in slight confusion. "There seem to be no signs of any ploy in the area. What cruel plan are you devising?"

"There is nothing we can do that could ever top the cruelty of what you're doing right now." I shielded my eyes, "How can we fight you if we can't even look at you? Do you even have any modesty?"

She looked even more confused. "But this is my regular formal wear..."

"That's even worse!" My voice roared across the battlefield, "Honestly is India just a country of indulgence?! What kind of sane person would willingly walk around with nothing to cover themselves up with! At least Nobu over here has the excuse of having a bad influence growing up!"

"Hey!" The pink-haired woman roared.

"You know what you're doing!" I yelled back before turning to India's Empress, "Seriously there's a giant statue of Buddha right there but the way you dress quite clearly gives off the impression that you are a women who thinks of nothing but Worldly Desires!"

"You're nothing at all like I've heard." She said with a soft tone before gasping. "Could this...already be your trap...?"

"Don't feign innocence!" Sanzou butted in. "You're the one who has trapped the people-"

"SOMEONE COVER HER MOUTH!"

Nobu and Sasaki grabbed her limbs, while Lu put a hand over her mouth. Goku seemed content to let it go without interfering for now. I'll appease my stone monkey overlord later, for now though...

"BACK ON TOPIC!" I yelled, spinning around and pointing at Ashoka, "Do you have any semblance of shame for wearing such an indecent outfit?! Do you feel no embarrassment?! Did you get someone to make you clothes and they turned out to be 'invisible'?! My faith in humanity is at stake here!"

"Thrice you've criticized my clothes. Can I ask what do you see of wrong in them?"

"Okay it's like this," A sigh escaped my lips as I thought of a way to explain it, "How would you feel if you walked around as naked as the day you were born for everyone to see?"

"I do so every morning for the purification bath in the river. There is nothing wrong with that, all the faithful citizens do the same." She stated without hesitation. "I adhere strictly to the dharma law and right all wrongs. I establish the law and protect order. Those who are just have nothing to be ashamed of."

...I took a deep breath before sighing.

"You know what? I'm done. I'm done with Himiko I'm done with Nobu I'm done with Yoshi, Done with BenBen, Done with Zipang, Done with Taika, Done with India, Done with Humanity, Done with world conquest, Done with people's stupid fucking fashion sense, done with the Earth, done with reality, done with the multiverse, BUT MOST OF ALL I AM DONE WITH YOU AND YOUR STUPID FUCKING OUTFIT!!! TSUMURAGI NO TACHI!!!!!"

What would usually happen is a giant man of flame would appear.

What actually happened was that my world exploded into pain and the words DON'T BE AN IDIOT appeared in my head.

...Fine.

"Can-" I began through the pain, "Can we just schedule this whole fight until like, tomorrow or something?"

"So you can prepare your trap?" Her eyes narrowed in suspicion. "I think not. I can't trust a country that invade without a proclamation of war-"

"Hold it!" I exclaimed tiredly, "We did send one of those. I would know, I hate having to write one of those because I have to write it over and over again okay not the point. Point being that we did send one of those and it looks like you never got it so another question, what is this country like outside of this city?"

"So you only intend to compound your lies... I thought there might be a deeper reason."

A torrent of green energy, flowing upwards like an inverse waterfall, erupted around her. The ground shook, and suddenly the almost naked woman didn't look so funny anymore.

"But it appears I was mistaken."

"She just got scary all of a sudden..." Himiko pointed out the obvious.

"Himiko I literally can't find it in me to care." I declared flatly, "What's going on right now is so obvious I shouldn't even have to spell it out right now."

Her guards hold out to Ashoka two golden spinning disks, bigger than the ones I saw before and covered with fang-like blades. The weapons began to spin around her wrists. "As the ruler of the people, it is my duty to fight in their place. Face me in a fair duel if you dare, people of Zipang! Should you win, I will listen to what you have to say. But if I win, you shall leave India immediately!"

I stepped forward silently, drawing my blade. Ugh I was too tired for this bullshit...

"My name is Ashoka, Queen of India. Prepare yourself!" It was her declaration before throwing one of her disks at me. It spun so fast it was making the same sound as a buzzsaw. My hands moved before I could even register it and pretty soon I was pushing against the disk with my blade before parrying it off to the side.

The next disk was already upon me, while the one I parried flied back to Ashoka. I parried it off to the side again and watched it fly right back to the indian woman.

Huh, auto return. Okay the- Aw fuck dodge!

This time both disks swept through my former position as I frantically began a mad dash to where Ashoka stood, glowing with green energy and- No I really can't look at her!

She dropped down, closing the distance between us in a heartbeat before rising with a kick aimed at my chest. My body slipped to the side and I threw out a jab with my free hand, only for Ashoka's elbow to push it away just enough for me to miss. Her other hand rose, the disks moving into position above her palm before she swept her limb down, as if trying to split me in half.

If there's one thing I'm learning from this experience? It's that I. Hate. Martial. Artists.

Which is stupid considering I technically count as one but honestly how the hell am I supposed to beat her?!

Ugh you know what? Fine.

I ducked to one side of her palm swipe as TNT appeared on the other and with a "Rah!" we slashed with both of our swords in synch.

...Ashoka was already jumping back before I materialized TNT.

I just, come on Emiya give me a fucking break.

Her hands came together and went through a lightning-quick series of hand seals. "There is no helping it!"

A dark mist covered the area, forming menacing skulls-like shapes that seemed to curse me to death with their empty sockets. For a moment my body felt heavier, as if I suddenly lost part of my strength, before a surge of energy from within lessened the effect.

"Is uh," I glanced at the skulls, "Is this supposed to do something?"

"Has my Cursing Mudra not effect on you?" Ashoka was astonished. "I may have underestimated you!"

"No, uh, it's just Plot Armor." I muttered, "What kind of debuff was it anyways?"

"So it's a spell woven into your armor. In that case, I shall strip it off!" The disks flying into her hands Ashoka dashed forward and jumped to descend upon me like a meteor.

"Wait what the hell are you planning on- Gah!"

While the disks slammed against my and TNT's swords Ashoka's hands went to one of my pauldrons, trying to rip it out. "Ow ow ow I'm wearing that stop trying to strip me!"

In response she switched to a less covered area, delicate fingers clenching through fabric as if made of steel. As fast as I could I did the only thing I could think of!

I moved my head to bite her arm.

...I'm no cannibal but she actually tastes kinda good. And I haven't had my pill today so that's saying something.

"Kya!" Her muscles clenched, formerly soft flesh turning hard and unyielding. She pulled back, looking both surprised and embarrassed.

"Oni-san! Watch out!" Himiko cried out. "She's a shameless pervert! Don't let her touch you!"

"Grr..." I growled, glaring at her. "Don't make me bite you again!"

I will do it!

"You are persistent. So be it." Her eyes hardened. "If my Cursing Mudra does not work, then I shall dedicate all of myself to a direct attack!"

She spread her arms before clapping her palms together above her head, disks spinning around them with increased speed until they're a golden blur.

What happened next could be best summed as a beam of light shooting out of her hands before curving towards me while taking the form of a massive meteor!

"Oh fuck!" I shouted, beginning to run as far away from her as possible, "OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK-"

I felt the shockwave before hearing the explosion, the force lifting me up like a feather caught in a storm. Instinctual knowledge flooded my mind as my fire began to spread out over my body in the form of very familiar armor. Tsumugari no Tachi and I became one in that very moment as the meteor crashed into me.

The name of the skill reached my lips.

It could only be called…

"Go-Shintai!"

I had never felt more anime in my life and it was great.

Pure destruction washed over and around me, the protection granted by my new skill tested but unbroken. I stood, finding myself looking down on Ashoka like a giant.

Or I would if she wasn't so freakin tall. I'm only 5'5 okay?!

"You...survived." Her voice was even. "None did before, not since...Perhaps in my younger years I could have pulled through, but further violence is meaningless." Her expression softened, her spinning disks flying back to her bodyguards. "It is not my wish to bring harm to others. Zipang, I shall listen to what you have to say."

"Right, cutting past all the bullshit, first." I declared as the fire armor went away, "You're being lied to for profit."

"Eh?"

"Okay look," I waved my hand, "What do you know about the rest of India?"

"I received notice of your invasion only when your army was close to the capital."

"What? No I mean like, the general state of India."

"Can't you see this city?" Her arm gestured to Gandhara. "The laws of dharma are observed. The people are happy."

I grimace, "Ouch, it's just as bad as I thought. Okay um, look. How do I put this? Oh wait I already did: You're being lied to. Manipulated even, probably by the staff officials inside your capital. Because this city? This city is the only place like this in India. The rest of the country is a complete mess."

"A, a mess? That's not possible, I can't believe India is-"

"If I may." Sun approached us. "Queen Ashoka, did you send this response to our declaration of war?"

We actually kept that?

The tanned woman looked at the letter in shock. "This is-! ...This is indeed the seal of India. But I don't recall..."

"You don't recall because you didn't." I interrupted, "Someone in India intercepted our declaration of war and wrote a reply back in your place. Probably the same people who have kept your sights solely on Gandhara for so long. Trust me, I've been through every single one of India's cities and the amount of corruption in them is astoundingly high, hell did someone say India's crime rate was at the highest it's ever been? I kinda remember someone saying that."

"While the Maharaja are living in luxury as the please." Sun added.

"Bribery." Goku's giant hand landed next to Sun, Sanzou standing on it. "-"

"Ahahahaha!" I exclaimed, dashing up to the woman and covering her mouth, "Don't. Don't listen to her at the moment. She speaks the truth but she uh, she speaks them in ways that quite honestly leave none sane."

"The Maharaja adhere to my laws. I cannot believe they would commit crimes against the people." She insisted, but her words lacked the previous heat.

"Do you want evidence? I'll give you evidence!" Nobu declared, looking like a mess. Probably the result of dealing with a magical gorilla. "Bring them here!"

The guards brought the chained Maharaja we captured in Delhi. "They confessed after I sentenced them to Himiko's tickling punishment. I could have been merciful and just resort to hot pokers, but I was still pissed off."

"Hey!" Himiko protested.

"In other words, it's like this." Sun raised a finger. "Queen Ashoka, you are a good and honest ruler. But the Maharaja are the opposite: they discarded the law for selfish reasons and fed you false reports. They likely wrote that response to our declaration of war as well. If a war had started, and their ruler arrived in their provincial cities, their crimes would have been found out."

"Please don't try to confuse me. The Maharaja are more strict with their rules than anyone." She looked at the chained men, but they averted their gazes without saying a word. "...Why don't you speak? It can't be that what Zipang says is true...?"

"F-Forgive me!" One of them cried, the others instantly looking at him in horror.

There was a loud sound of something breaking.

"Namusan." Sanzou clapped her hands, expression severe. "It seems the demon's seal has been lifted."

"Oi how did you escape my palm?!"

"By the will of the Heavens, Hakkai."

Ashoka began to tremble, an ominous red aura erupting around her like a volcano. "Hehe, hehehe, uhahaha..." Her soft laughter sent shivers down my spine.

"F-Forgive me! Not the full course! Anything but-"

"ORAORAORAORAORA!!!"

====

"The law has been upheld." Ashoka smiled serenely even while standing in the middle of absolute carnage, the screams of the damned still echoing.

"The evil has been vanquished." Sanzou nodded. "With that, the issue is settled."

"Goddamn when you said Goku will crush our enemies you meant it literally." I muttered, "A-Anyway. It looks like we've won the war so uh we should, you know, go discuss it at a table or something. Diplomatically. Without anymore bones being crushed."

The Queen of India smiled at me. "Ruler of Zipang, you have saved this country. Allow me to express my gratitude. I believe I can entrust the people to you with peace of mind. Please do what you can to lead this country."

"Great uh, first order of business: can you please put on something that covers up your body more? Please? For my peace of mind if anything."

"I don't understand, but if you insist. Please bring me one of my reserve Sari." She told her bodyguards.

Oi Oi I can see that look of disappointment you have on your face!

A few minutes later, after changing right in front of me (which I swear I didn't look at), she was thankful decent. "...I feel so hot." She complained softly while pulling at the fabric.

"Yeah well I feel hot just looking at you in the outfit you had on previously." I retorted, turning to face her. "It's either this or me not being able to look at you."

"Is this a cultural thing? I didn't know Zipang's dressing rules are so complex."

"What? No. It's just that I'm a guy and you're a very beautiful lady." I sighed, "And I'm not even from Zipang, I still get culture clash once in a while as well."

"So it's a gender issue?" Her cheeks are slightly red, probably from the 'beautiful' comment. "Ah, but I do not want to waste your time meaninglessly. What is your response?"

"My... Response?"

"She entrusted her country to you." Yoshi whispered. "You should at least reassure her."

"Oh! Oh yes um," I coughed, "I promise, to the best of my ability, to try and make all of India as wonderful as Gandhara."

"Ashoka-san, your help would be greatly appreciated." Himiko added. "Since you did such a wonderful job here, I am sure you can fix the rest of India faster than any of us can once you find competents helpers."

"...Are you serious?" She was evidently surprised. "But I've already failed once."

"Yeah but like, who hasn't failed before?" I shrugged, "Those who try to shoot for the moon will inevitably fail but if they get back up and keep trying than they can at least land among the stars."

Ashoka was silent for a few moments before smiling again. "It was you who liberated this country from tyranny, rather than I. Allow me to ask something in return." She bowed waist-deep. "Though I lack ability, please allow me to aid you, Ruler of Zipang."

"Aw come on get up, bowing so deep for something I myself am not good in is embarrassing." I sighed, "But yes, please, please please please help because the following days are going to be a nightmare I can already tell."

"Hehe, it looks as though I'll be in high spirit if I can be by your side."

Sanzou was also laughing. "The journey to reform the world is about to start picking up again!"

Oh god she was sticking with us.

====

Notes:

Chen: WE'RE BACK BABY!
Alex: My new PC is a blast. 4k resolution, didn't even know it was possible.
Chen: In other news, I hate you all. Ashoka come on! And I though Nobu was bad...

 

[EvaUnit01]

Iiiiiit's baaaaaaack!!!!!

Splendid as always.

Be brave, Chen! You'll find a woman who dresses decently and sensibly someday!

....maybe.

 

[EmpirePlayer]

Well, Chen reacted to Ahsoka as expected.

But yeah. Hope you get to learn more about her history later.

Spoiler: Funnily Enough... Spoilers

The real-life Ahsoka was indeed a conqueror, and only converted into Buddhism and ways of peace after a bloody war. In ES'es case, (of course, being ES) this means that she was the No. 1 Delinquent/Yankee in all of India before she settled down.

 

[NekoNekoBoy]

Be brave, Chen! You'll find a woman who dresses decently and sensibly someday!

....maybe.

Click to shrink...

We had Yamato but she uh, you know.

And something tells me Ashoka was either the lowest it could go or just a sign that things will get worse.

 

[Roarky]

We had Yamato but she uh, you know.

And something tells me Ashoka was either the lowest it could go or just a sign that things will get worse.

Click to shrink...

I will admit, I have been eagerly awaiting you reaching Ashoka for a while. And the not all-ages version is worse, as she doesn't have the coverage that the all-ages version has.

But yeah, I am happy to see more of this, and hope Ashoka fits in well with the Idiot Brigade. So, on to Mongolia next? Or a short interlude of Lancelot eating stuff? Or perhaps something else. Gotta be careful not to give hints about future events.

On an only tangentially related note, I have to admit, Eiyuu Senki's Lancelot is one of the few Lancelots I actually like. Most of the time, he's instead a piece of trash that doesn't deserve to be called a knight. (Yes, I realize I have a very strong opinion on a fictional character, but yeah, I hate the character from Arthurian legend.)

 

[NekoNekoBoy]

So, on to Mongolia next? Or a short interlude of Lancelot eating stuff? Or perhaps something else. Gotta be careful not to give hints about future events.

Click to shrink...

Probably more Interludes, and it's totally not because I'm trying to draw out the time until I have to fight the mongols.

Ahahaha, totally....

 

[Roarky]

So, I gotta ask, NekoNekoBoy: Besides her state of dress (or lack thereof), what do you think of Ashoka based on the little you've seen of her so far?

 

[Ricrod]

Hey NekoNekoBoy , who's your favorite girl so far? I need to know because I'm a filthy shipper.

 

[NekoNekoBoy]

So, I gotta ask, NekoNekoBoy: Besides her state of dress (or lack thereof), what do you think of Ashoka based on the little you've seen of her so far?

Click to shrink...

She's... Okay. When she's not walking around almost naked.

Hey NekoNekoBoy , who's your favorite girl so far? I need to know because I'm a filthy shipper.

Click to shrink...

Eh, I don't really have a favorite girl. I mean they're nice enough but I don't have any romantic inclination.

Lu has the body of a goddess though not gonna lie.