It started when I was six.
There had always been something a bit different about me, I was a...
There had always been something a bit different about me, I was a...
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User | Total |
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Xanadu | 2 |
First off, the list needs to be set out from the rest of the sentence. I used a colon, but a dash would work as well (albeit with a very slightly different meaning). Similarly, your punctuation and formatting of the list grammatically indicates that it's a complete list, and it's blatantly not (unless you deliberately meant to leave out, oh, Emma, the Fallen, Danny...). The minimal needed adjustment was changing the final period to an ellipsis.It all flashed through my mind: the Undersiders, Leviathan, Coil, Alexandria, Chicago, the Nine, Scion, Contessa...
Leaving out the list issue (it's the same one), you had a couple of run-on sentences that needed to be broken up, and mixed your tenses several times.I saw the Entities. I saw the locker, the bank, Dragon, Defiant... It all flashed through my brain. 18 years of life, experience, love, loss, triumph, and pain were jammed into my six-year-old brain. Shinobi, chakra, the village it all became recontextualized. I saw the forested area I was in through a thousand eyes. Then, as quickly as it had begun, it was over.
"Bugs that..." above is a sentence fragment. It doesn't stand on its own, so I've attached it to the previous sentence. Also, you mixed tenses there.My kikaichu went wild and wasn't that interesting from an outside perspective -- bugs that could drain a person's life force living in my body.
You left out the comma needed to address Shibi's question, and a further comma is needed in the following sentence. You also had an extraneous comma following the quote."Shimi, Shimi, are you okay? Answer me, please."I tilted my head towards the voice. Shibi Aburame stared back, concern evident on his normally stoic face. "This was my father," I thought to myself, a second father but a father nonetheless.,
Again, commas are needed in direct address (e.g. the "dad" above). Also, a run-on sentence."I'm fine, dad. It's just something weird just happened," I said. Deciding to only tell some of the truth, "It was as if I had a thousand eyes, I could see from so many directions. I think I was seeing through my kikaichu."
You mixed tenses again here, and you left out the closing period. Also, those should be double quotes -- preferably with a tag to indicate that the sentence is Taylor/Shimi's thoughts rather than a quote from Shibi.His eyes widened almost imperceptibly behind his dark reflective lenses. 'I hope that's not a big deal.'