A New Player in the Force (SW/Lite Gamer)

[USSExplorer]

With respect, this is the first time I've commented on one of your stories, despite following you for some time. So the hostility is a little unwarranted, especially when my primary concern in that section was about pacing not content. Secondly, as someone who writes, I know that even when I've gone over a draft twenty times or more there are times when I miss things that are noticeable to another person. That is why having someone look over your draft is common practice among writers, as I'm sure you are aware, so I didn't think giving my first impressions would be an issue. I also notably didn't ask you to rewrite anything, just gave an opinion that you are free to ignore, as you have already stated you will do. I will take your preferences into account in the future and not comment, though I will still read because I like what you write. Best of luck to you.

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Going to start with this one first.
Yeah, my reaction to your comment was a mistake, and for that I'm sorry.

There are two others who are heavily involved with this story, and one of them helps with the other 2 I write.
For each chapter and arc, we discuss in a voice chat our plans for the chapter/arc, and I make notes as we go.
I then create a rough guide for the chapter, which is looked over.
Drafts of each scene (generally around 50-60% of the published length) is written, and that is looked over.
The redraft is done, and the both check it.
Both of them are far more knowledgeable about Star War than I, or 99% of the readers of this story on any site where I post it.
From there, 2 months to 2 weeks before it goes public, those who support my writing get the redraft early, and those on the Discord server - if they are active enough - get it about a week early.

Throughout all that, there was never a complaint or suggestion that doing the multiple POVs for the battle of Naboo didn't work.
The only suggestion was to consider one chapter focusing purely on Theed, and one on the other chapters.

It feels really jarring to have something that's been built up this much repeatedly interrupted for things that, while necessary to the story as a whole, are significantly less important feeling to the audience. Or, at least, that's my opinion. I really like this story and the authors writing overall, but this chapter's pacing really frustrated me.

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This, as mentioned above, wasn't seen as an issue by any who read the chapter before it went public.
Just going by Discord numbers, that is conceivably 1000+ people who saw the chapter earlier than today who accepted the styling.
I know there were issues many had on the public sites regarding the jumping POVs, and that will be looked at the next time there's a planet/system-wide battle. However, as I write far in advance of public posting (~2chapters for Patreons, ~5 chapters for myself) trying to alter the way the chapter was written after TPM4 came out was simply impossible.

The other POVs are important characters, but OCs and from the EU, though I can see how to many they don't seem to be.

I'm wondering if this is another Skywalker homage. I'm not gonna lie, the fact that it feels like every Star Wars protagonist, fanfiction or not, has to lose an arm is starting to feel a bit played out. If Cam had to lose something, why not make it something less generic? Although, admittedly, most of the other body parts he could lose would be equally generic. I'm honestly not a big fan of the idea that a main character has to have body parts removed to learn a lesson or show growth in general, to be honest, though I understand why authors use it. It just feels a little played out as an idea and seems primarily to be used for shock value.

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This was less a lesson about growth and more a lesson about how the Force has a path that doesn't always agree with the one a Force user might wish to walk/take.
We did debate on the idea of it for a long time, and it made sense for Cam to get injured somehow. The issue was that, because of the beskar armour, the only weakpoints were at critical joints. The armour isn't, unfortunately. like full plate armour of knights. At least not in this era.

 

[USSExplorer]

Well, I planned to read the recent chapter and went to trademarks just to see the babyrage post from the author. Now I'm not gonna bother. Maybe I'll come back next year if I'm really desperate for some time-killing. From the number of likes and comments, I'm guessing a lot of people already aren't bothering.

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Well, that wasn't meant to be a threadmark, thanks for spotting it.
But if you feel that was babyrage, then don't let the door hit you one the way out. You won't be missed.

 

[USSExplorer]

Tbf with Maul it seems the author is contradicting the canon hierarchy, where legends is below movie canon. The good think about this is Grievous won't be a joke when he's introduced.

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Yeah, Grievous will be what Tartakovsky made in the CW 2003 miniseries than what he was in Filoni's show.
Perhaps, depending on how things change, he might even be even more of a threat.

As for the switching of POVs it feels jarring due to the lose of momentum the fight builds up.

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A critique that was heard in TPM4, but because of how I write, and the time I have to do so, not one that could be altered for this chapter.

Also what lesson is he supposed to learn from losing a limb like that?

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Not to trust the Force to always have your back. Maybe

 

[JohnSmithMIB]

I had no issue with him losing a body part, with where his skill level was going into the fight a major injury was expected. Him getting stabbed in the gut as a trade for lopping off maul's head is another way I could have seen it going. Taking blunt force trauma from a thrown object that he was able to twirl Maul into or injury due to close range explosive also were on my list. Basically anything that could force him into a bacta bath or keep him in a hospital doing rehab for a few months. The only thing I discounted was a face injury though if Cam's armor was badly damaged and he poisoned his own lungs that would have been a pretty unexpected plot beat.

 

[USSExplorer]

I had no issue with him losing a body part, with where his skill level was going into the fight a major injury was expected. Him getting stabbed in the gut as a trade for lopping off maul's head is another way I could have seen it going. Taking blunt force trauma from a thrown object that he was able to twirl Maul into or injury due to close range explosive also were on my list. Basically anything that could force him into a bacta bath or keep him in a hospital doing rehab for a few months. The only thing I discounted was a face injury though if Cam's armor was badly damaged and he poisoned his own lungs that would have been a pretty unexpected plot beat.

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Beskar can tank a lightsaber. Something Cam used to his advantage in the fight.
And he already has one facial scar, didn't need a hole in the head to go with it

 

[USSExplorer]

Next step is to chop off Maul's arms and legs, drug him to the gills, and then haul him to the Jedi for interrogation right?

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The issue with giving Maul to the Jedi is who the Chancellor is. Sure he could arrange for the ship transporting Maul to be intercepted.

Cam's allies showing up though screws with the conversation or actions he could have had with his battlelink being off as I'd expect at least one mando to have the ability to eavesdrop built into their helmets.

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Except, Osto was meant to arrive there. Cam had alerted him to engaging Maul and he knew of the chance a Sith might be on Naboo. As for the recording, well we saw in Vhonte's POV that she recorded the battle, at least until the very end when Cam turned off the channel.

As far as pacing goes it felt a lot like commercial breaks. The only one that might have needed to be dropped in timing-wise was the Bo POV but it could have been moved to the end if the scene with Maul was completed. We didn't get a hard cliff which is nice but another few paragraphs seemed like they'd stitch that sequence up nicely. I would also have preferred to have the Padme, Asta, and Vhonte POVs at the beginning and a "10 minutes earlier" tag at the start of each of the POVs after the first that way the fight would have felt like a continuous build up to the end.

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I'll keep that approach in mind for the next time I need a heavy multi-pov chapter/arc.

There's still cleanup to do since Padme hasn't got Gunray yet and there's still two crippled Lucrehulks in orbit that need to be captured. Seeing the fallout of Naboo for both the planet and all the factions around the galaxy (Lokella, Mando, Jedi, Sith) will be awesome.

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All shall be handled in the next chapter, which has a lot of lifting to do to close out the arc and book 2.

The author seems to follow the formulas of most other gamer stories. Rapid growth at the start then the MC hits a massive wall and the stats and skill levels start to grow at a snails pace.

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The wall was always there, though the exacts of it have evolved.
And Cam will soon over come that wall, don't worry.
Ofc, once he does, he'll have to adapt to the new norm that losing the wall brings

 

[Serpentine]

Honestly, I thought the duel between Maul and Shan was beautifully written. Really painted the scene and I could picture every interaction in my mind's eye as I read. I guess the POVs were a little much in number, but I can't say I was personally frustrated with them. I'm stuck between admiring how you've made five to ten minutes in a story go on for an "eternity" (a thing often spoken of but kind of rare to actually witness/read) and being slightly annoyed that in this chonky ass chapter (that one could fit five normal sized chapters from other stories) there wasn't really all that much progress lol. That's really just me wanting more though.

 

[Vergessen]

I liked the duel a great deal. It really feels like this is a hard fought battle. I also agree with you that Maul is the superior fighter both due to experience and training and am very happy with how you have written Cams unorthodox fighting style and the advantage of his armour. I hope Cam uses the armour consistency instead of using robes during battle like the Jedi would want him to.

Concerning the pow shift I have to agree with your other readers. I personally hate multiple pow shifts and consider the tag on stories as a reason to reconsider if I want to read it. I don't think your use of pow is that problematic in general, but your use of them this time was a bit frustrating. Pow shifts during fighting and ESPECIALLY when one of the characters is fighting for his life is a cardinal sin. It is the recurring and frustrating trope that during a big battle, when the villain is about plunge his knife into the heart of the protagonist, we are treated to two chapters of flashbacks explaining what the MC's best friend has eaten for breakfast before coming here and intervening in just the right moment to save the MC.

I can also understand where the frustration about the lost hand comes from. While I understand that logically loosing the hand has the greatest probability of happening since both Jedi and Sith are trained to go for the saber hand, choosing the hand as the duel injury feels a bit generic and uninspired (the curse of the Skywalkers strikes again). I think the more problematic issue is about how the injury came to be in the first place. There would probably be less grumbling if Cam lost his hand during the battle because of his own fault. Maybe in exchange for a victory blow to highlight how Cam's aggressiveness costs him. That it instead came to be because of that little shit Anakin frustrates me too. If it had to happen at all because of outside forces I would have probably preferred that it happen because of Serra. The relationship between Cam and Ani feels far less fleshed out than the others and because of that their bond feels less meaningful. They really need to spend some longer amount of time together to make the bond more believable instead of Cam dropping by once or twice a year to be the cool uncle for a day.

Personally, I disagree with the complaints that Cam would feel too weak and the frustration about the bottleneck in his swordmanship progression. Gamer systems tend to grow too quickly so consider it a badge of honour to have readers feel like a character with a cheat skill feels to weak. I would have even liked to see Cam struggle more but that's just personal opinion. The bottleneck was a long time coming and the reasons behind it are well explained so good work on that. If Cam broke the bottleneck during the fight like I think is implied that would give a well written record and power progression after a hard fought fight.

In conclusion, I think that the fight is well written. But you should also consider how you want to write the pow shifts of your next fight. This isn't about us being hostile against your story. We wouldn't make the effort to write our thoughts about this chapter if we wouldn't enjoy your work. Read another story where the privotal battle suffers from pow shifts during critical moments and I'm sure you will understand where our misgivings come from.

 

[oscar e Sampedro Lopez]

Thank for the chapter.
Of course it cannot be a star wars fanfiction without the author dismembering the mc to emulate the Skywalker's because why no? Really expected that or Maul escaping. Hope the next chapter is a quick execution and no some nonsense of imprison him for information.

 

[Taliesin]

I also enjoyed the duel. It was exciting, well-written. I get why Cam lost himself in the dark for a while; he's riding the line of being seriously emotionally compromised by the dark side. (A problem he's going to have to fix, and maybe this will be a wake up call that perhaps Jedi doctrine has a point about the dark side being more trouble than it's worth in the end. For all their fast and easy power the Sith are ultimately self-destructive, etc.) I think some reader complaints on this are just because this sort of story is a power fantasy that people place themselves into, and people don't like it when their power fantasy protagonists make mistakes because that runs counter to the fantasy, even though it's what ultimately much of what makes the narrative interesting. Characters are hard to make interesting or even likeable when they make no mistakes.

I might have expected Cam to have superior skills to Maul, given that he's been training for at least as long and has the Gamer power to tremendously improve his rate of learning, but for Maul's "natural" skills to give him the edge over Cam's mechanical perfection just like Cam has experienced with Jedi Masters. Maybe I'm misunderstanding the way the author has presented the lore, though.

The bit about Cam's skills briefly getting much more natural is intriguing, and I'm looking forward to finding out more.

 

[LuciferBael]

I might have expected Cam to have superior skills to Maul, given that he's been training for at least as long and has the Gamer power to tremendously improve his rate of learning, but for Maul's "natural" skills to give him the edge over Cam's mechanical perfection just like Cam has experienced with Jedi Masters. Maybe I'm misunderstanding the way the author has presented the lore, though.

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As long?
Cam - 9 years
Maul - 22
Cam - more relaxed Jedi training plus a bit laid back mandalorian influenced by the NMs
Maul - brutal sith training combined with training at the top assassin training centre in the galaxy(till Maul destroyed it)

 

[Taliesin]

As long?
Cam - 9 years
Maul - 22
Cam - more relaxed Jedi training plus a bit laid back mandalorian influenced by the NMs
Maul - brutal sith training combined with training at the top assassin training centre in the galaxy(till Maul destroyed it)

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From what I can find, Maul became Sidious' apprentice in 37 BBY at 17 years old, and Naboo occurred in 32 BBY at 22 years old. That's 5 years of training.

Sure, his training was brutal and would have given him the edge over ordinary Jedi, but he was stuck learning at the maximum rate of a normal person. Gamer's whole cheat code is learning skills absurdly quickly.

 

[SotF]

From what I can find, Maul became Sidious' apprentice in 37 BBY at 17 years old, and Naboo occurred in 32 BBY at 22 years old. That's 5 years of training.

Sure, his training was brutal and would have given him the edge over ordinary Jedi, but he was stuck learning at the maximum rate of a normal person. Gamer's whole cheat code is learning skills absurdly quickly.

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With Maul, at least in Legends, he was training from far earlier.

Some of the stuff from the Darth Maul books and comics had him as around Anakin's age when Sidious decided to strand him on, essentially, a hell world for a while to test him while starting naked and unarmed.

 

[LuciferBael]

From what I can find, Maul became Sidious' apprentice in 37 BBY at 17 years old, and Naboo occurred in 32 BBY at 22 years old. That's 5 years of training.

Sure, his training was brutal and would have given him the edge over ordinary Jedi, but he was stuck learning at the maximum rate of a normal person. Gamer's whole cheat code is learning skills absurdly quickly.

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I. . . . dont know where you got that info but its wrong, heres a good video that explains Mauls backstory in broad strokes

 

[Taliesin]

I. . . . dont know where you got that info but its wrong, heres a good video that explains Mauls backstory in broad strokes

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Ah, I think the source I found was going by canon, not EU. That would explain it.

 

[LuciferBael]

Ah, I think the source I found was going by canon, not EU. That would explain it.

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Ya probably

 

[Chazamataz7]

My guess on the cause of Anakin's "Nooo!" is that Maetel's Gift has been sacked by the Hutts and Shimi is missing.

 

[Darkcrest]

So yet another story i follow falls into the cliche lets maim the si/oc character. In fantasy it's always an eye lost and in star wars it's always the arm. Frankly it's to the point where i consider it to be the sign of a lazy writer. There are other ways to humble a character than permanently maiming them.

 

[USSExplorer]

So yet another story i follow falls into the cliche lets maim the si/oc character. In fantasy it's always an eye lost and in star wars it's always the arm. Frankly it's to the point where i consider it to be the sign of a lazy writer. There are other ways to humble a character than permanently maiming them.

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You know what, you don't like Cam losing his forearm, then fuck off and write your own story.
I'm sick of the negativity regarding choices I'm making in my story.
I'm such a lazy writer that I've written this for 5 years and a million fucking words.
Whereas you have written, at least on this site, a grand total of 0 words in story since there's no thread who'd created.
Not sure which of us that makes lazy.

And literally everything is a cliché of some story written decades, centuries, or millennia ago.

The choices made for this story are planned out.
I accept the criticisms about the POV shifting, but that's only come from people on sites such as this on the public release. Those on the the Discord, which is considerably more than anything who follow it on this site, or most of the others, never brought up issues.
Still, they will be considered for future chapters/arcs where POV shifts are needed.

But complaints about Cam losing an arm as the only injury he takes against someone who just defeated the Jedi Order's Battlemaster (and his Padawan) as a warmup, is, quite frankly, more believable than Cam walking through the fight without an injury.
Especially as, if not for the armour, and the weapons added to it, Cam would've died in each phase of the battle.

Maul, un like what so bloody many people believe, isn't a joke. He was trained for around 20 years under insane conditions that would break almost anyone else, to be a SITH ASSASSIN. I.E. Someone designed to kill Jedi Masters.
He's not some alien Sidious just picked up off the streets a few days ago...

 

[Taliesin]

You know what, you don't like Cam losing his forearm, then fuck off and write your own story.
I'm sick of the negativity regarding choices I'm making in my story.
I'm such a lazy writer that I've written this for 5 years and a million fucking words.
Whereas you have written, at least on this site, a grand total of 0 words in story since there's no thread who'd created.
Not sure which of us that makes lazy.

And literally everything is a cliché of some story written decades, centuries, or millennia ago.

The choices made for this story are planned out.
I accept the criticisms about the POV shifting, but that's only come from people on sites such as this on the public release. Those on the the Discord, which is considerably more than anything who follow it on this site, or most of the others, never brought up issues.
Still, they will be considered for future chapters/arcs where POV shifts are needed.

But complaints about Cam losing an arm as the only injury he takes against someone who just defeated the Jedi Order's Battlemaster (and his Padawan) as a warmup, is, quite frankly, more believable than Cam walking through the fight without an injury.
Especially as, if not for the armour, and the weapons added to it, Cam would've died in each phase of the battle.

Maul, un like what so bloody many people believe, isn't a joke. He was trained for around 20 years under insane conditions that would break almost anyone else, to be a SITH ASSASSIN. I.E. Someone designed to kill Jedi Masters.
He's not some alien Sidious just picked up off the streets a few days ago...

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It's a great story, please don't let the negativity bother you. Yes, losing an arm is a bit of a trope in Star Wars and maybe a little overused, but it does make sense in the story. Character growth alternatives, like Serra's death, might not have been viable because they'd thwart your plans for the narrative, and that's okay. Writers have to make choices in designing how the narrative works and there are situations where the choices all have tradeoffs.

You're a good author, and there are just always people who will be unreasonably unhappy.

 

[alec_potter]

Finally got to read the chapter. Been waiting for it since your announcement on Discord.

Really liked the way Serra fought. She was seriously outmatched but was able to hold off Maul for so long is really commendable, even if lot of luck ( plot armour) is involved.

Don't want to rehash the discussion on Maul/ Cam/ Cin's fighting ability or Cam losing hand. That's to an extent author's prerogative. But as fighting scenes go, Cam vs Gar was a much better fight, in terms of reading. Probably something you might want consider for future.

Next chapter should be fun, get to see the repercussions.

 

[Jaxus]

Thank for the chapter.
Of course it cannot be a star wars fanfiction without the author dismembering the mc to emulate the Skywalker's because why no? Really expected that or Maul escaping. Hope the next chapter is a quick execution and no some nonsense of imprison him for information.

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Cam was never coming out of this unscathed. He still has issues when fighting Dooku even though he has improved.

Maul's been intensely trained by Sidious since he was a small child to now at the age of 22.
He's been trained to kill Jedi masters at minimum and can kill Council level Jedi.
He's wiped out Anoon Bondara and Drallig, both of which had more experience than Cam does and would have provided a better challenge than an unarmoured Cam.

Never mind the fact Maul killed Drallig and took Serra out of the fight as the bare minimum of a warm up before facing Cam.

Cam was lucky Maul didn't take his head, even more so for surviving the fight, winning it and capturing Maul with Anakin's disturbance.

There are also cases of other organics or cyborgs having lost their limbs or heads in the movies so this isn't just the fate of all Skywalkers. Here are a few:

Darth Maul (cut in half in Theed palace by Obi-Wan in I)
Jango Fett ( beheaded by Windu, Geonosian arena in II )
Acklay (creature) (leg cut off in arena in II)
Zam Wessel (Her arm was cut off below the elbow by Obi-Wan in the Cantina in II)
Count Dooku ( both hands removed before being beheaded by Anakin, episode III)
Mace Windu ( Hand cut off before being flung out the window in episode III)
General Grievous ( Cybernetic limbs cut off during fight with Obi Wan on Utapau, episode III)
Clones (Gree beheaded, arms cut off of clones etc by Yoda since Kashyyyk and on Coruscant, episode III. Obi Wan also likely cut off limbs of clones here)
Ponda Baba ( arm cut off, from Mos Eisley Canteen in IV)
Wampa (creature) ( arm cut off by Luke Skywalker, Hoth in V)


There are many more that have lost their limbs or extremities in legends like Rosh Penin, Jaden Korr (He lost fingers), Boba Fett (he needed a replacement leg) and Darth Krayt to name a few.

Consider that going forward.

This isn't intended to be combative but rather informative

 

[Hdjksnsndaj]

Cool to see that Cam's strategy of fighting dirty bringing the best gear worked. Cam brought good equipment, while maul got owned by something that could have been stopped if he had down the same. That being said, he really needs to figure out a better set up for those vambraces if he wants to keep bringing them to lightsaber fights.

We even got the obligatory limb loss in before the end of the book. I hope that the effects of this are explored (or even exploited with cool cybernetics!) rather than just glossed over as even canon tends to do.

 

[random123abc]

Copy from my comment from RR

TFTC. I'm going to go on a slight rant hopefully nothing too much and typing on a phone apologies for misspelling and repeating. Just wondering if we can get a chapter with spoiler tabs with each character and what faction/ alignment/ or connection they have in the story like others said before I can barely remember half of the people in this story and who exactly they represent. like I think we all know who the main crew is in the story and where they stand in revalence to Cam.

On to the review and questions. As others said the fights length and the commercial breaks may have been edited with a timeline so we know how much time has passed in the battles. We now know that the earlier battle with Mawl lasted 5 mins even in that amount of time he still could have teleported jumps to them . Yes, it is said that cam doesn't constantly think but at this time he still has the player's mind even though it's been nerfed by the powers that be, it still should be active to an extent. Not only that but he has so many force powers and future knowledge about ways force users have died. Just wondering has he forgotten about order 66, hk47, grievous, mandos, and even non force users have easily killed them with overwhelming fire.

Cam is in his mando armor and is sealed, he could have used rockets in close combat, concussion or multiple flash grenades. Hell add a strobe light to the flashlights with his help even in the daytime . I hate training with those. the electric shock, and gas/ darts were a neat thing but didn't he have blasters with his gauntlets that Bo helped him intergrade in chapters long ago and he doesn't think to use them. he did get a full set but if he didn't use his old gauntlets wouldn't it be a dishonor to both Bo and her family that made/ modified for him. Also why hasn't Cam implemented other weapon systems or gadgets other than the non lethal ones. For example if he doesn't want to teleport or phase give him a jetpack, I mean there have been enough times he needs to move fast it boggles my mind he doesn't have one. for other things look at boba, din, and other mando armor configurations. hell he's from earth and has possibly seen other movies. For example, Iron man the amount of weapons crammed into his suit is shocking. Cam could have tons of hidden weapons but idk why he doesn't use or seem to remember his past experiences for barely anything except some music and books. not only that but he still has the power of his inventory. In my opinion I would have abused that sooo much more than cam is and he rarely uses it strategy or ever now.

For example during the vong he was using the limited supplies that he had at the time with the guns and detonators. Now here he could have stashed tons of explosives or other consumables. hell instead of the gas in his gauntlets just use gas grenades to boom layer the whole area in gas when near the island. I don't remember if there are Geneva suggestions but if I remember right in the beginning of the story he said something like better to ask for forgiveness than for permission. other places like for Boba fett would be blasters around the limbs seeing as locking lightsabers with maul and then just start blasting either direct shots to limbs or if able to non critical areas or the lightsaber idk. Other than the regular he could possibly use the stun shot or even ion and try to depower or shut off Mauls lightsaber. I'm just wondering so much because as you said he was a soldier in his previous life but we rarely see any of this in his person no morbid or crude jokes really i could see it if he was a green boot but, we all know he isn't or at least not green. ha's experienced in gorilla warfare or has faced it a bit as in with the Vong But doesn't really add up at times. I mean I get you are trying to keep him paper thin at times so people can imagine themselves in the battle as him but its not like the commando games or halo we are seeing and breathing in the world of the character povs

. I do like the story and know that It's probably long past renditions and edits for who knows how long and take all I'm saying with a grain of salt because I don't remember everything that I've seen/read/ and played and probably get things messed up and twisted. may have more to add ect ect.

PS. Are we going to have to deal with an edge lord Anikan again but he falls to the dark side earlier because the Lokella are getting demolished finally by the huts or other people they have been pissing off.

PPS. If General Grievous is somewhat the same in this story how easy would it be if Cam started actually using his force powers for once in an actual fight other than for boosting his speed just wondering because its getting kind of ridiculous that he is barely using them against similar strength opponents.

(Edit.) Another thing I think people are upset about is that you have made a character that is equivalent to Starkiller. Cam essentially has all the powers Starkiller has but with more abilities and knowledge about the powers and setting. He might not be as strong as him but we all know how Cam can control his anger. for example with the Vong he compressed it and powered through the whole invasion and he wasn't as befuddled as he was here. Everyone, the Jedi and the people he's been near knows about it too. Even in the previous chapter he unleashes his black lightning and broadcasted it to everyone around, so what's stopping him from just powering through it like he's done already a couple of times.

PPPs. A lot of the comments I'm seeing and first time I went to the other sites are fucking hilarious. One thing I might say, just saying but some of the constructive criticism/ questioning may actually be helpful because with all the jumps in the story we barely have any idea what Cam is doing at times. Early in the story Cam did get stronger and learn as much as he can about the force and powers. Not only that the only thing we really know of him is that he is a 40 some year old that's quite compassionate. Those against the plan went on a patrol without support. And he, his friends and some random civs got wiped by some terrorists and probably sprung the whole cell to cause chaos somewhere else. Sure we know headstrong to and as stubborn as a mule at times, but he's also brain dead about his past experiences. He already knows that he forgets stuff, it's been said and explained to us multiple times throughout our experiences with Cam it gets aggravating to people.

It's like telling a person not to text or drink while driving and they still do it causing chaos and death all the time all over the world. And it leads to the same thing happening. In a way Cam is like what Voss said in Far cry 3. Even in his fight with Maul. He does the same thing over and over and just, barely ( Cam thinks) he won. While diverging a bit, Cam already knows not to fully trust the force nor the system he so desperately depends on all the time. Hell if I remember right the force and the system were at odds at times and his own system/ providers told him that he was relying on them to much so that were nerfing what he had because it was boring to them (forget exactly what the system said, not going to search for it at the moment).

Another thing just a thought that started nagging in my brain and won't go away. Seeing the comments and your responses. I'm not on patron nor discord, not enough floating cash and just got annoyed with the other. In the responses that you got aggravated at, someone may have said something like that in another comment/ form/ or thread and got the same response or aggravation and was either blocked or just banned because of the comment/ discussion they put through. And as an example other people would see that and try not to cause you stress because, in my case I'm relatively new here and binged through the story. And with great stories it gets passed along through other sights or word of mouth. Sure new people that binge or casually read might see something that conflicts with others but that is all apart of making great stories. You yourself have posted before in each chapter, "As always, thanks to those helping me write and plan out this story and checking it for continuity and logic errors." Others may see Cam's action as logic errors, but to you and the many others might see that its spick and span. while any opposition to that is hateful, wrong, condemning even

. And yes you and the others have all the right to be mad about someone questioning/ commenting/ or even finding inconsistencies with the story. It can sometimes show just how much they actually care about your work. Many others and I know that the people who pay get advanced chapters and see behind the seems info. We understand that the frame has already been set and the story is already in stone. But, if you didn't want any feedback or comments why even respond or acknowledge them in the things they are saying. I know writing can be stressful and there can be a serious burn out, but I think I can speak for everyone when I say that this is a great story and would hate to see it disappear.


Anyway until next time I see something to comment on or if a random thought just burrows into my brain that I can't get rid of.

To da loo

 

[USSExplorer]

Not going to respond to everything you've said, simply because I'm not dealing with it on an individual basis for each person on each site the story is on.

A general PSA will be coming out in a day or two that, if it doesn't clear a lot of things up, simply means that people have their own ideas - when out of the moment and backseat driving - about what should happen in my story.

The biggest takeaway I'll say for now is this:

ANP is based on the EU. It places it as high, if not higher than the movies. TCW will only be used if I feel I can meld EU lore and the Clone Wars Multimedia project (which stretched through games, novels and comics) and doesn't completely clash.
An example of this is the "New Mandalorians". That took a ton of effort to meld into the EU lore, and even now I feel it's not brilliant. Another would be the backstories of Maul and Ventress. Those are quite different from what most readers expect (and something the PSA will touch on).

Anyway, onto the remarks that I'm going to deal with.

For example, Iron man the amount of weapons crammed into his suit is shocking.

Click to shrink...

Please, do not bring logic from another universe into Star Wars. That's just, frankly, insulting to both of us.
Could Cam have used other weapons/tools in the armour? Yes.
Why didn't he? Go review the quest for this arc. That's all I'm saying as it would spoil the next chapter.

PS. Are we going to have to deal with an edge lord Anikan again but he falls to the dark side earlier because the Lokella are getting demolished finally by the huts or other people they have been pissing off.

Click to shrink...

You don't like Edge-lord Anakin? You don't want a full-powered Anakin who is a threat to anyone?
Have you read the ROTS novelisation? Because it's clear there - and that book is one I cannot over recommend - that Vader was always Anakin.
If you have a problem with "edge lords" then I'd suggest not reading any story where a character has to interact and use their darker impulses/powers.

PPS. If General Grievous is somewhat the same in this story how easy would it be if Cam started actually using his force powers for once in an actual fight other than for boosting his speed just wondering because its getting kind of ridiculous that he is barely using them against similar strength opponents.

Click to shrink...

If you refer to TCW Grievous, then aye.
However, this isn't TCW Grievous, this is EU Grievous.
If you have seen 2003 CW short series, then that's a bare minimum of how Grievous truly is.

you have made a character that is equivalent to Starkiller.

Click to shrink...

Cam essentially has all the powers Starkiller

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I am, so beyond fucking sick of having Cam compared to Galen Marek.
Cam has trained for 9 years as a Jedi during the Rise of the Empire era.
Marek was trained by Vader in secret under insane Sith methods for longer.

They might be comparable in power, or they might not be, but comparing two vastly different characters with different ideal/training/motivations is slightly insulting to both.

Even in the previous chapter he unleashes his black lightning and broadcasted it to everyone around

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... it was red.

Brilliant crimson lightning,

Click to shrink...

The black was only used against the Vong.
As for using lightning around others, the ones who saw it were Mandos. Do you think, if the Jedi asked, they'd hand over the recording for the battle? Because that wouldn't happen.
The Mandos dislike -> hate the Jedi because of the Dral'Han. It was an issue Cam and Serra faced back in Book 1.

In the responses that you got aggravated at, someone may have said something like that in another comment/ form/ or thread and got the same response or aggravation and was either blocked or just banned because of the comment/ discussion they put through. And as an example other people would see that and try not to cause you stress because, in my case I'm relatively new here and binged through the story. And with great stories it gets passed along through other sights or word of mouth. Sure new people that binge or casually read might see something that conflicts with others but that is all apart of making great stories. You yourself have posted before in each chapter, "As always, thanks to those helping me write and plan out this story and checking it for continuity and logic errors."

Click to shrink...

I don't mind criticism, but commenting about something without offering ways to fix it is nothing more than complaining. If I somehow upset a few readers because of my reactions, then that's their issue.

When it comes down to it, as you mention, this is my story. I write it for me.
If people want to comment, and offer valid criticism (which, btw, is what I say at the end of the story) that's fine.
Complaining because they, as a reader not in the moment that Cam is, nor involved in the planning of the story, thinks what has happened is stupid/idiotic, isn't valid. It's them projecting into a character that isn't them, nor written for them to live an adventure as.

 

[Jaxus]

Copy from my comment from RR

TFTC. I'm going to go on a slight rant hopefully nothing too much and typing on a phone apologies for misspelling and repeating. Just wondering if we can get a chapter with spoiler tabs with each character and what faction/ alignment/ or connection they have in the story like others said before I can barely remember half of the people in this story and who exactly they represent. like I think we all know who the main crew is in the story and where they stand in revalence to Cam.

On to the review and questions. As others said the fights length and the commercial breaks may have been edited with a timeline so we know how much time has passed in the battles. We now know that the earlier battle with Mawl lasted 5 mins even in that amount of time he still could have teleported jumps to them . Yes, it is said that cam doesn't constantly think but at this time he still has the player's mind even though it's been nerfed by the powers that be, it still should be active to an extent. Not only that but he has so many force powers and future knowledge about ways force users have died. Just wondering has he forgotten about order 66, hk47, grievous, mandos, and even non force users have easily killed them with overwhelming fire.

Cam is in his mando armor and is sealed, he could have used rockets in close combat, concussion or multiple flash grenades. Hell add a strobe light to the flashlights with his help even in the daytime . I hate training with those. the electric shock, and gas/ darts were a neat thing but didn't he have blasters with his gauntlets that Bo helped him intergrade in chapters long ago and he doesn't think to use them. he did get a full set but if he didn't use his old gauntlets wouldn't it be a dishonor to both Bo and her family that made/ modified for him. Also why hasn't Cam implemented other weapon systems or gadgets other than the non lethal ones. For example if he doesn't want to teleport or phase give him a jetpack, I mean there have been enough times he needs to move fast it boggles my mind he doesn't have one. for other things look at boba, din, and other mando armor configurations. hell he's from earth and has possibly seen other movies. For example, Iron man the amount of weapons crammed into his suit is shocking. Cam could have tons of hidden weapons but idk why he doesn't use or seem to remember his past experiences for barely anything except some music and books. not only that but he still has the power of his inventory. In my opinion I would have abused that sooo much more than cam is and he rarely uses it strategy or ever now.

For example during the vong he was using the limited supplies that he had at the time with the guns and detonators. Now here he could have stashed tons of explosives or other consumables. hell instead of the gas in his gauntlets just use gas grenades to boom layer the whole area in gas when near the island. I don't remember if there are Geneva suggestions but if I remember right in the beginning of the story he said something like better to ask for forgiveness than for permission. other places like for Boba fett would be blasters around the limbs seeing as locking lightsabers with maul and then just start blasting either direct shots to limbs or if able to non critical areas or the lightsaber idk. Other than the regular he could possibly use the stun shot or even ion and try to depower or shut off Mauls lightsaber. I'm just wondering so much because as you said he was a soldier in his previous life but we rarely see any of this in his person no morbid or crude jokes really i could see it if he was a green boot but, we all know he isn't or at least not green. ha's experienced in gorilla warfare or has faced it a bit as in with the Vong But doesn't really add up at times. I mean I get you are trying to keep him paper thin at times so people can imagine themselves in the battle as him but its not like the commando games or halo we are seeing and breathing in the world of the character povs

. I do like the story and know that It's probably long past renditions and edits for who knows how long and take all I'm saying with a grain of salt because I don't remember everything that I've seen/read/ and played and probably get things messed up and twisted. may have more to add ect ect.

PS. Are we going to have to deal with an edge lord Anikan again but he falls to the dark side earlier because the Lokella are getting demolished finally by the huts or other people they have been pissing off.

PPS. If General Grievous is somewhat the same in this story how easy would it be if Cam started actually using his force powers for once in an actual fight other than for boosting his speed just wondering because its getting kind of ridiculous that he is barely using them against similar strength opponents.

(Edit.) Another thing I think people are upset about is that you have made a character that is equivalent to Starkiller. Cam essentially has all the powers Starkiller has but with more abilities and knowledge about the powers and setting. He might not be as strong as him but we all know how Cam can control his anger. for example with the Vong he compressed it and powered through the whole invasion and he wasn't as befuddled as he was here. Everyone, the Jedi and the people he's been near knows about it too. Even in the previous chapter he unleashes his black lightning and broadcasted it to everyone around, so what's stopping him from just powering through it like he's done already a couple of times.

PPPs. A lot of the comments I'm seeing and first time I went to the other sites are fucking hilarious. One thing I might say, just saying but some of the constructive criticism/ questioning may actually be helpful because with all the jumps in the story we barely have any idea what Cam is doing at times. Early in the story Cam did get stronger and learn as much as he can about the force and powers. Not only that the only thing we really know of him is that he is a 40 some year old that's quite compassionate. Those against the plan went on a patrol without support. And he, his friends and some random civs got wiped by some terrorists and probably sprung the whole cell to cause chaos somewhere else. Sure we know headstrong to and as stubborn as a mule at times, but he's also brain dead about his past experiences. He already knows that he forgets stuff, it's been said and explained to us multiple times throughout our experiences with Cam it gets aggravating to people.

It's like telling a person not to text or drink while driving and they still do it causing chaos and death all the time all over the world. And it leads to the same thing happening. In a way Cam is like what Voss said in Far cry 3. Even in his fight with Maul. He does the same thing over and over and just, barely ( Cam thinks) he won. While diverging a bit, Cam already knows not to fully trust the force nor the system he so desperately depends on all the time. Hell if I remember right the force and the system were at odds at times and his own system/ providers told him that he was relying on them to much so that were nerfing what he had because it was boring to them (forget exactly what the system said, not going to search for it at the moment).

Another thing just a thought that started nagging in my brain and won't go away. Seeing the comments and your responses. I'm not on patron nor discord, not enough floating cash and just got annoyed with the other. In the responses that you got aggravated at, someone may have said something like that in another comment/ form/ or thread and got the same response or aggravation and was either blocked or just banned because of the comment/ discussion they put through. And as an example other people would see that and try not to cause you stress because, in my case I'm relatively new here and binged through the story. And with great stories it gets passed along through other sights or word of mouth. Sure new people that binge or casually read might see something that conflicts with others but that is all apart of making great stories. You yourself have posted before in each chapter, "As always, thanks to those helping me write and plan out this story and checking it for continuity and logic errors." Others may see Cam's action as logic errors, but to you and the many others might see that its spick and span. while any opposition to that is hateful, wrong, condemning even

. And yes you and the others have all the right to be mad about someone questioning/ commenting/ or even finding inconsistencies with the story. It can sometimes show just how much they actually care about your work. Many others and I know that the people who pay get advanced chapters and see behind the seems info. We understand that the frame has already been set and the story is already in stone. But, if you didn't want any feedback or comments why even respond or acknowledge them in the things they are saying. I know writing can be stressful and there can be a serious burn out, but I think I can speak for everyone when I say that this is a great story and would hate to see it disappear.


Anyway until next time I see something to comment on or if a random thought just burrows into my brain that I can't get rid of.

To da loo

Click to shrink...

Alrighty, I'm just going to give you a bit of info.

1.All, if not the majority of Character info, is on the discord. There are way too many to list and edit for each of the sites, especially since they also have images associated with them. This effort is not worth replicating on all the other sites as it would take a lot of time. Dedicated fans can join the discord for the info.

2. Player's mind wouldn't have changed it and Cam still stumbles when exiting teleportation. . He's also in an active warzone so that likely would have killed him, be it teleporting into a blaster bolt barrage, a mine or into a shield array like he did in earlier chapters.
Just because he has the ability doesn't mean he can use it at that moment reliably. Cam is not omnipotent.
His knowledge stems only from the films, Kotor and the clone wars.
He's not forgotten about any of that. Maul's no ordinary sith and he's taken into consideration that he stands to lose more if he involves others in his fight against a council level threat vs if he did it with Jedi support.

Maul's been intensely trained by Sidious since he was a small child to now at the age of 22.
He's been trained to kill Jedi masters at minimum and can kill Council level Jedi.
He's wiped out Anoon Bondara and Drallig, both of which had more experience than Cam does and would have provided a better challenge than an unarmoured Cam.

Never mind the fact Maul killed Drallig and took Serra out of the fight as the bare minimum of a warm up before facing Cam.

3. Try using the rocket or nades to be released before the opponent that is faster than you, at council level, lops off your head and other limbs before you can release them. The blaster bolts would have also shared a similar fate but instead reflected uselessly. Not using some of the built in equipment in the gear wouldn't have been a dishonour as the purpose of the armour is to protect it's user. It also makes no sense to go Iron Man when that would make things way heavier vs when you can wield the force.

4. see 2. Just because Cam was a soldier doesn't mean his entire life was dominated by it. Being a soldier fighting Maul would have gotten him killed here vs being a duellist. Being Spec Ops doesn't mean you instantly win the war and what you would have known then is practically standard or even outdated for soldiers in universe now.

5. Regarding PPS, current Cam would die. If Grievous ends up anything like his 2003 version and Cam tries to use the force on him, he'd be overwhelmed. Also, MAUL is NOT similar level. MAUL is COUNCIL LEVEL.
Regarding your edit, Cam is not Starkiller or even equivalent to him. Starkiller, like Maul, went through high intensity training from the get go to the point he could hunt targets like Shaak Ti who would be high Council level. Cam is actively looking to control or reduce his dark side abilities so it doesn't corrupt or control him. He also doesn't necessarily have more knowledge on force abilities other than what he has been exposed to.
Maul knows how to counter DS abilities to an extent so it would have been useless to try that against him.

6. Regarding the comments, USS has worked on this project for 5 years. He's been given so much shit for the effort he puts in for the work we all read and enjoy. There's a major difference between giving sound advice or constructive criticism vs just being a total jerk. Everyone appreciates decent advice but when it just becomes an echo chamber of hate or people not doing their due diligence, it gets tiring and stressful real fast especially when they go to their own communities or friend groups and decry him as "THAT author" and get the rest to raid and make abusive reviews on all his works. It's just not on, especially since he and the 2 others he works with to write this story with as much accuracy to the lore and with as much life as possible have given so much.

Hope this helps!

 

[TheFallenJedi66]

Not going to respond to everything you've said, simply because I'm not dealing with it on an individual basis for each person on each site the story is on.

A general PSA will be coming out in a day or two that, if it doesn't clear a lot of things up, simply means that people have their own ideas - when out of the moment and backseat driving - about what should happen in my story.

The biggest takeaway I'll say for now is this:

ANP is based on the EU. It places it as high, if not higher than the movies. CW2003 and TCW will only be used if I feel I can meld EU lore and the Clone Wars Multimedia project (which stretched through games, novels and comics) and doesn't completely clash.
An example of this is the "New Mandalorians". That took a ton of effort to meld into the EU lore, and even now I feel it's not brilliant. Another would be the backstories of Maul and Ventress. Those are quite different from what most readers expect (and something the PSA will touch on).

Anyway, onto the remarks that I'm going to deal with.



Please, do not bring logic from another universe into Star Wars. That's just, frankly, insulting to both of us.
Could Cam have used other weapons/tools in the armour? Yes.
Why didn't he? Go review the quest for this arc. That's all I'm saying as it would spoil the next chapter.



You don't like Edge-lord Anakin? You don't want a full-powered Anakin who is a threat to anyone?
Have you read the ROTS novelisation? Because it's clear there - and that book is one I cannot over recommend - that Vader was always Anakin.
If you have a problem with "edge lords" then I'd suggest not reading any story where a character has to interact and use their darker impulses/powers.



If you refer to TCW Grievous, then aye.
However, this isn't TCW Grievous, this is EU Grievous.
If you have seen 2003 CW short series, then that's a bare minimum of how Grievous truly is.




I am, so beyond fucking sick of having Cam compared to Galen Marek.
Cam has trained for 9 years as a Jedi during the Rise of the Empire era.
Marek was trained by Vader in secret under insane Sith methods for longer.

They might be comparable in power, or they might not be, but comparing two vastly different characters with different ideal/training/motivations is slightly insulting to both.



... it was red.

The black was only used against the Vong.
As for using lightning around others, the ones who saw it were Mandos. Do you think, if the Jedi asked, they'd hand over the recording for the battle? Because that wouldn't happen.
The Mandos dislike -> hate the Jedi because of the Dral'Han. It was an issue Cam and Serra faced back in Book 1.


I don't mind criticism, but commenting about something without offering ways to fix it is nothing more than complaining. If I somehow upset a few readers because of my reactions, then that's their issue.

When it comes down to it, as you mention, this is my story. I write it for me.
If people want to comment, and offer valid criticism (which, btw, is what I say at the end of the story) that's fine.
Complaining because they, as a reader not in the moment that Cam is, nor involved in the planning of the story, thinks what has happened is stupid/idiotic, isn't valid. It's them projecting into a character that isn't them, nor written for them to live an adventure as.

Click to shrink...

Go off ex! Go off!

Also, I liked everything you explained here. A lot I didn't think about but when you mention it, it all makes sense. I do disagree with not bringing logic or other ideas from other universes for cam to use to his advantage, but I respect it as you want it mostly just a pure starwars universe only fic. Either way your knowledge of the star wars universe as a whole is unquestioned and I know you have fellow lore-masters to help you with this.

Only problems I see is that Cam lets the system control him and he's bending over too much to the jedi as a whole. I think it's time you got rid of the system already or no longer have any more major quests until the given ones are finished and then shut it off. The idea of the gamer system is either all in or none at all, this lite-system you made is an interesting prospect that made the story quite intriguing with limit's that make it quite interesting, but the problem remains he doesn't abuse it enough and not using it to the limit as is the point just kinda kills it for me. But to be honest it's stifling at this point and I will not miss it when you pull the plug.

Yes, he has complete mastery, yes, he is accomplished, yes he is creative enough with the abilities he has amassed and relatively unrestricted in gaining and mastering them. But the end point is that now the lite-system is slowly causing more problems than issues. Complete with the lack of unrestricted creativity outside of the universe and unwilling to take initiative if it's not a quest, not allowed yet, or morally correct. It takes a while to build something up, but to me he wasted too much time not already creating his personal forces or abusing his meta knowledge such as recruiting Bohhuah Mutdah as an extremely capable logistics commander for the army he will soon make or make use of his skills to make money a non-problem.

I realize I wrote too much and it jumbled up some of my words and statements due to the tangent I have written so if it's not a problem ask me and I'll clarify and discus about it if you have the time

 

[TheFallenJedi66]

Also, switching to your secondary is always faster than reloading your primary. I don't know how it applies to this situation, but I think cam did that pretty well when replacing his secondary with his handjob- i mean powar timae.

 

[USSExplorer]

Bit of a change to talk with you here than on Discord
.

Either way your knowledge of the star wars universe as a whole is unquestioned and I know you have fellow lore-masters to help you with this.

Click to shrink...

Heh. I'm, at best, a decent Padawan for knowledge of Star Wars EU.
The two who help the most are High Council/Grandmaster level, which is a gift from the Force.
Even if one is a true Jedi and the other a true Sith, lol. (And me stuck in the middle trying to not get drawn too much to one side).

Only problems I see is that Cam lets the system control him and he's bending over too much to the jedi as a whole. I think it's time you got rid of the system already or no longer have any more major quests until the given ones are finished and then shut it off.

Click to shrink...

Complete with the lack of unrestricted creativity outside of the universe and unwilling to take initiative if it's not a quest, not allowed yet, or morally correct.

Click to shrink...

Next chapter begins to rectify that, and Book 3 is when Cam decides to fully go "fuck this, I'm doing things my way."
Naboo was, in many ways, a fixed point, and the only one Cam had before galactic war.
He worked toward that over all other goals.
with it now gone, the galaxy is his playground, so to speak.

It takes a while to build something up, but to me he wasted too much time not already creating his personal forces or abusing his meta knowledge such as recruiting Bohhuah Mutdah as an extremely capable logistics commander for the army he will soon make or make use of his skills to make money a non-problem.

Click to shrink...

He has been building things up, very slowly. Because, until less than a year ago in-story, he was a Padawan and restricted by what he could do and how. As a Knight (and, with respect to her, Fay off on a private adventure) he's able to spread his wings.

The issue is, Cam doesn't know specific people to go after. Not unless they were in the movies of TCW. The issue with the latter is that this is a verse based on the EU, and TCW either is a square peg into a round hole, or from another toy entirely. It rarely slots in easily, with only a few people/places/events being easy to slide in without major alterations. (See the New Mandalorians - dar'manda, the lot of them - and the EU lore about Mandalore, which was a pain in the arse to merge together.)

 

[JohnSmithMIB]

Sith training spits out very good combatants. I have issues with the amount of injury downtime, generally decreasing quality of life, and time spent getting used to suffering but it does what it's supposed to. It also does so relatively quickly otherwise they couldn't afford the losses of trainees that are a side effect of their methods. I wouldn't expect them to have a multitool approach to powers that make Jedi useful in a lot of circumstances but Sith are great in combat and at using intimidation to outsource tasks they can't do on their own. Given the same time to train I'd expect a Gamer to end up ahead but Maul has much more experience. A Gamer likely also has less mental creativity since they'd overpower or out-skill their peers, meta knowledge helps but it feels like a lot of Gamers get locked into ideas and have tunnel vision. In-universe characters have their own types of tunnel vision but without a system there is more potential for truly new or creative power usage and the lost time investigating possibilities would require.

Flashbang functionality built into his suit would be fun but against enemy force users it probably has low effectiveness unless Cam is assassin level quiet in the force while battling. It could possibly give an edge vs Grievous or when disengaging though.