Cu-nosuba: God’s Blessing on This Lancer’s Holy Grail War!

[alextheconqueror]

Multiverse theory...I don't think I'll ever write a time travel story. I imagine he was on auto pilot before the Saber or Cu fight. I thought the CG thing was basically appear near target, and kill target before going onto appearing near another target?

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You are right, it's appear near target of elimination, destroy target of elimination, be desummoned until the new misssion.
The problem is, Counter guardians work similar to servants in wich they are stored outside time and space so they are deployed in very different eras and timelines.

 

[Davos]

You are right, it's appear near target of elimination, destroy target of elimination, be desummoned until the new misssion.
The problem is, Counter guardians work similar to servants in wich they are stored outside time and space so they are deployed in very different eras and timelines.

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Thank you for the answer....this sounds like that one fic type I heard about recently with an mc going to many different worlds.

 

[alextheconqueror]

Thank you for the answer....this sounds like that one fic type I heard about recently with an mc going to many different worlds.

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Similar to that, though only inside the Nasuverse since that is Alaya's scope, there's also the fact that Alaya only gives the amount necessary of resources AKA power to deal with the target because it works efficiently

 

[Winged One]

Alrighty...but is it a site? I tried looking it up and got slang for account

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A website. Originally called anonkun, changed to fiction.live

"But…can't we just use his weakness since we know his name?" Kazuma asks.

"He effectively has no weakness…"

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Well, he does, but it's shit like "refuses to use his most overpowered abilities for stupid reasons," and "misuses his Luck stat to overcome his fate as the obvious victor."

Language! This is a family friendly fic of witchcraft, attempted, murder, and accidental phone sex.

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*looks up* Holy shit, this actually is in SFW.

"Afraid not, but I do have a counter measure to his 'steal' spell."

"You do? What is it?" Gilgamesh asks, and Shirou explains his plan.

After a moment of disbelief, Gilgamesh laughs uproariously.

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Whose panties is Shirou carrying around in his pockets?

 

[Davos]

A website. Originally called anonkun, changed to fiction.live

Well, he does, but it's shit like "refuses to use his most overpowered abilities for stupid reasons," and "misuses his Luck stat to overcome his fate as the obvious victor."


*looks up* Holy shit, this actually is in SFW.

Whose panties is Shirou carrying around in his pockets?

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Thank you for answering that question I completely forgot about, I'll check it when I have time, and thank you for making me laugh with that reaction of finding out this fic is sfw...though I am probably on the cusp of crossing over with the phone sex joke.

As for the panties, it will be revealed soonish

 

[You_]

As for the panties, it will be revealed soonish

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There Ishtar's from the Gate of Babylon. Don't ask why they look like Rin's or why Gil knew exactly where they were in his treasury.

 

[Davos]

"So…What can Gilgamesh do?" Kazuma asks at the breakfast table.

"He basically has three Noble Phantasms, each one deadlier than the last." Archer says.

"Wait, I thought Servants can only have one? Isn't that their signature attack or something so deeply rooted to their legend?"

"Yes, but it is not limited to one. That said, due to the class system of the Grail War, typically a Servant only has one Noble Phantasm most related to that class. Take myself for example. I have Rule Breaker and magic, but it is entirely possible that I could have the Golden Fleece as a Noble Phantasm if I manifest as another class…or healing…" Medea says with a frown.

"…You ok Master?" Medusa asks.

"Yes, just recalling my youth and my prior master…both terrible memories."

"I thought you liked Souichirou?" Rin asks.

"Not him; There was someone before him, a most unpleasant man."

"So what can Gilgamesh do?" Kazuma asks again, and Archer gives a short explanation of the Chains of Heaven Enkidu, Gate of Babylon, and Enuma Elish. Everyone pales when more details are told.

"…Not even Eris can help…" Kazuma says with wide vacant eyes.

"…So that's why Heracles couldn't break them…" Illya says.

"Gate of Babylon alone could kill nearly anyone…" Rin says.

"I might be able to temporarily negate Gate of Babylon with my own Noble Phantasm, but if he uses Enuma Elish, it'll tear apart my Noble Phantasm as well as kill us…It'll make the Fire of Fuyuki years ago look like a festive sparkler." Archer says.

"And being an Archer, he has excellent senses so ambushing is unlikely…" Medusa says.

"…So much for using Rule Breaker on him…"

"You have two servants, how many were you planning to control?" Kazuma asks.

"When Heracles was around, the more the better. I would have even taken this Archer."

"You did in one timeline."

"How did that go?"

"Gilgamesh killed you."

"…"

"If only we had something to distract him." Kazuma mutters, and Saber glances away. Kazuma notices the eye movement.

"…No."

"I didn't say anything."

"I know you're thinking something vile…"

"I'm just wondering why you looked away. Wait, you were both in the last war right?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Was he interested in you or something?"

"I am not continuing this conversation." Saber says with a stiff scowl. The scowl is replaced with shock when Medea raises her hand.

"By my command seal, tell us Saber!"

"Caster?! You wretch, this transgression shall not-" Saber manages to say before groaning and straightening up, speaking with a clenched fist.

"He wishes to conquer and own me like another plaything…"

"We can use that!" Kazuma says, and is met with three swords at his head as Saber and Archer glare at him.

"I would rather die than be used as tawdry bait!"

"I would rather kill you then go along with this plan!"

"That can be arranged." Cu says, spear at Archer's back.

"You got a better idea?! I'm all ears!" Kazuma says.

"…I mean…you don't have to do anything lewd…" Rin says, making Saber point her sword at Rin. Archer reluctantly angles one blade at Saber's neck while keeping the other trained on Kazuma.

"Somehow I am not trusting of you." Saber says, taking everyone by surprise.

"Why is that?" Rin asks while pointing a gander ready hand at Saber.

"I was in the adjoining room eating my dinner and heard what you were saying to yourself before that phone call…I did not expect such depraved things to escape your lips Rin." Saber says as Rin blushes as a squeak escapes her lips.

"What depravities did she say?!" Kazuma asks, making Rin point her other hand at Kazuma.

He in turn raises both hands, one pointed at Rin, the other griping her wrist.

Rin aims her other hand at his crotch, a gander shot glowing at her finger tips, making Kazuma pale, and Cu and Archer grimace in empathy.

"…Don't you think that is overkill? He's just a regular young man." Medusa asks.

"You don't know what he has done with those hands!" Saber and Rin shout at the same time.

"I didn't expect you three to partake in such acts with how you behave." Medea says, making Rin pull a hand away from Kazuma's grip, now aiming one at Medea, her other still trained on Kazuma's groin, and Saber now pointing her blade at Medea, prompting Medusa to angle her chained blade at Saber while gripping Rin's shoulder, in turn prompting Archer to angle a sword at Medusa, the other back on Kazuma.

Leysritt places the blade of her halberd at Sella's neck.

Sella looks flatly at Leysritt.

"I wanted to join in on the fun."

"…I think we're losing focus here…" Illya says.

"I think this alliance is imploding under the weight of their odd dislike for each other." Leysritt says.

"…We talked about pointing out the obvious Leysritt…" Sella says with a hand at her head.

The phone rings, almost making everyone decapitate each other.

Kazuma answers the hone since he is closest, making the various stand off follow him while maintaining their threats on the other.

Leysritt even makes Sella move to join them.

"Hello?"

"Oh, my apologies, I must have misdialed."

The line clicks and Kazuma hangs up the phone.

It rings again a moment later.

"Hello?"

"Hm? I know I didn't misdial this time…Wait, is this the Tohsaka residence?"

"Yes."

"…Can you put Rin on the phone?"

"…Why?" Kazuma asks, trying to place the voice.

"I need to ask her why she is letting young men stay at her place at this hour on top of another matter."

Kazuma cannot help but grin as he turns on the speaker phone before handing it to Rin.

"Hello?"

"As your guardian, I have to ask about your recent behavior Rin." Kirei says on speakerphone, making Rin pale and the others stare.

Rin goes to turn off the speakerphone, only to see a tiny block of ice over it, keeping it on. She glares at Kazuma.

"I thought you wanted me to do that?"

"Do what?" Kirei asks.

"Nothing! Kirei, please don't-"

"You cannot plead with me on this one Rin. I know you are at that age, but to purchase phone sex? That many times?" Kirei asks, making everyone stare in abject shock.

"Please don't say anymore!" Rin shouts with a crack in her voice.

"Is that you 'Magical Baby girl 2004'? I almost miss calling you 'mongrel' and hearing your reactions." Gilgamesh asks from over the phone, making Rin groan a squeaky creaky groan that would make a donkey sound like a violin.

"No wonder you didn't want anyone here!" Kazuma says before devolving into a body shaking laugh.

"The mongrel from the castle?!"

"You actually enjoy that?!" Saber asks.

"Saber?!" Gilgamesh asks.

"Kirei…Were you selling phone sex out of the church?" Rin asks.

"…Times are tough Rin…but my circumstances are not the point here…Even if you are a cornerstone of income, this is not-"

Rin slams the phone down.

'I never expected this…' Archer thinks in shock.

"And you call me a pervert! Gahahaha!"

Rin raises an arm and shoots at Kazuma, making him run out of the room.

"Bought this on yourself, Kazuma." Cu says as Rin chases him down, the sounds of a well deserved beating over heard. Saber walks over and joins in kicking him. So does Archer.

Cu looks at Medea.

"…You know healing magic right Caster? Can you-"

"Don't ask. I'm going to when they are done."

 

[alextheconqueror]

Oh god this is hilarious, just waiting till they learn he also have true clairvoyance

 

[Davos]

Oh god this is hilarious, just waiting till they learn he also have true clairvoyance

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Having a brain fart...Kazuma, EMIYA, or Gil?

 

[You_]

Having a brain fart...Kazuma, EMIYA, or Gil?

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Gil has a true clairvoyance np that he constantly suppresses as to not give spoilers and ruin his fun.
As if he didn't need to be even more op.

 

[Davos]

Gil has a true clairvoyance np that he constantly suppresses as to not give spoilers and ruin his fun.
As if he didn't need to be even more op.

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Did not know. Thanks for info!

 

[Zone04]

Shirou fully learning magecraft and actually being crafty is fucking terrifying.

I don't think many people realize that a fully realized Shirou with true training AND ubw AND a schemer can easily beat most if not almost all Servants. There are some variants of Shirou that put him easily within the top range of Fate.

I'm just saying, but Shirou at his peak almost put Heracles down in near record time, and gave Gil a super hard time in his Reality Marble, he is NOT to be fucked with. Counter Guardian EMIYA is middle of the pack if we're comparing Emiya variants, he's D-rank in Physical like mentioned, E rank luck, and still managed to humble majority of the players in the Grail War. If he actually set his priorities on WINNING the war and not killing himself, they'd all be fucked apart from Gil and Berserker.

Ya'll remember Heavens Feel Shirou? Not to downplay or up his abilities there, but he was suffering and exhausted for half his fights. And he still threw hands and slapped ass.

Honestly, ann Emiya with training from multiple figures like we're seeing? Yeah, UBW ain't gonna be his only kill move. It's honestly terrifying.

 

[alextheconqueror]

Shirou fully learning magecraft and actually being crafty is fucking terrifying.

I don't think many people realize that a fully realized Shirou with true training AND ubw AND a schemer can easily beat most if not almost all Servants. There are some variants of Shirou that put him easily within the top range of Fate.

I'm just saying, but Shirou at his peak almost put Heracles down in near record time, and gave Gil a super hard time in his Reality Marble, he is NOT to be fucked with. Counter Guardian EMIYA is middle of the pack if we're comparing Emiya variants, he's D-rank in Physical like mentioned, E rank luck, and still managed to humble majority of the players in the Grail War. If he actually set his priorities on WINNING the war and not killing himself, they'd all be fucked apart from Gil and Berserker.

Ya'll remember Heavens Feel Shirou? Not to downplay or up his abilities there, but he was suffering and exhausted for half his fights. And he still threw hands and slapped ass.

Honestly, ann Emiya with training from multiple figures like we're seeing? Yeah, UBW ain't gonna be his only kill move. It's honestly terrifying.

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Yes and no, HF Shirou was literally ripping himself apart everytime he traced and fighted, the only reason he destroyer Heracles was because he used a weaker but still usefull versión of nine lives and still was tearing himself to do it, dudes crafty and powerfull but his phisical status(and reserves) are not enough to defeat a servant except under special circunstances

 

[Davos]

"Was that both Saber and my most loyal customer!?" Gilgamesh asks with raised eyebrows.

"I don't think I can ever look at Rin the same way now…" Shirou mutters.

"…Why didn't you tell me you were partaking in such depravities with my ward, King of Heroes?"

"The phone sex was your idea, Kirei. I thought you put her up to it?" Gilgamesh says, making Shirou look on flatly as Kirei's mouth hangs open.

"How can you think that?!"

"Do you not know what I did with newlywed couples? Besides, am I to believe killing her father in the last war and becoming her guardian is fine, but conditioning her into sexual subservience is a line too far?" Gilgamesh asks.

"Wait, what?!"

"Long story." Gilgamesh and Kirei say at the same time.

"Besides, it is not even that related to this matter." Gilgamesh says.

"It sounds very related and critical to know."

"More so than what she enjoyed the last few years under a perverted pen name?" Gilgamesh asks.

Shirou remains quiet as Gilgamesh and Kirei smile.

'On one hand, this feels wrong…on the other I feel like I'll regret not knowing…besides…it….could be helpful during that fight to trip her up….yeah…I'm just studying my opponent's weaknesses…'



===



After the most blissful beating she has ever given, Rin takes some left over food from the fridge and hurries to her room with red cheeks, avoiding eye contact.

"Don't enjoy it too much~." Illya whispers as Rin passes her, making her scowl and glare daggers in passing despite her flushed cheeks.

Sella places an empty notebook in front of Illya along with a thick book, making Illya's smile fall faster than Kazuma's social standing.

Caster heals Kazuma, and the other servants go into spirit form.

"…Maybe you should consider a follow up letter with a different duel date? I am not sure this group can last another week." Caster says and Kazuma remains quiet a moment.

"Maybe…but I may need time to learn something." Kazuma says.

Cu and Caster knows what he is thinking and sighs.

'Least I can enjoy some freshly grown potatoes this week.'

===

"Too much volume…You need to be steady in your pronunciation, but too loud and it gives the impression that you actually care about their views, when they are insignificant."

Shirou clears his throat before trying again.

"Did I imply you can speak, mongrel?"

"Much better; Stand up a little straighter, and you could be mistaken for royalty one day."

'…He has become fonder of young Emiya than I ever expected…' Kirei thinks with a raised eyebrow as he hears Shirou practice posing and speaking.



===





Saber opens the door to the kitchen and freezes when she sees the eyes in the dark.

"Why are you up?"

"I suspected you would go for a midnight meal, and thought this would be the perfect chance for us to have a private talk, Elizabeth." Kazuma says with a grin. Saber frowns at him with a fist on her hip.

"…You haven't had enough after today?" She asks while flipping on the light.

"I come with an offer."

"I refuse."

"You can at least hear me out first."

"I am not interested in whatever harebrained degeneracy you wish of me to perform."

"That's where you're wrong. You don't have to do anything but talk for a few minutes."

"I re-" Saber stops when he opens the fridge door, showing racks of ribs in a tower that would come up to Saber's waist.

"I-is that…"

"Premium cut too. Unfortunately, it took enough money that our dear lady Rin won't be able to partake in her hobby…speaking of hobby."

"Are you trying to blackmail me with food? How low do you think I am?" Saber says, eyes darting back to the meat stack.

"Perish the thought! I would never withhold food for a lack of information…I was just going to ask how you like your ribs prepared."

"…We both know you're not that kind. Or are you going to suggest otherwise after exposing Rin's…'leisure'?"

"You mean how she loves being insulted by your ex?" Kazuma says, his smirk freezing when Saber pulls out her sword.

"Care to call him that again?"

"I didn't plan for that. I thought it would just be an awkward talk of her having a boy over, I didn't expect her to be that kinky." Kazuma says before opening the freezer door, showing every possible cut of meat from a variety of animals.

Saber's eyes glow and she has to close her mouth to keep from drooling.

"W-what are you…?"

"I was going to ask which cut you prefer for breakfast."

"B-breakfast?"

"It has been awhile since you had a decent breakfast thanks to Shirou, no?"

"…Be that as it may, this is a deeply personal matter!"

"I know...I suppose I should have known better. After all, I'm sure Rin wouldn't put you in a bad position for her own benefit right? It's not like she would listen to Gilgamesh's demands in person after so many years of being his indirect toy right? I'm sure these steaks will still be delicious even past their peak freshness date." Kazuma says and Saber winces before thinking in silence.

"She…thought no one could hear, and has the habit of talking to herself, likely as a way to work through problems…but she was working herself up into a frenzy and…"

Saber begins speaking, and with every detail, another package of meat goes to the fridge, sending an ambivalent joy through Artoria.

===



"You dare raise your voice at me, mongrel?" Shirou says with squinted eyes and crossed arms.

"Excellent. A few more years and you might be able to adequately imitate me." Gilgamesh says before going to sip wine.

"It appears someone has an inflated sense of self worth." Shirou says, making Gilgamesh stop.

Before grinning and laughing freely.

"Perhaps I need to revaluate that timeline…you certainly have the moxy. Now you simply need to hone yourself to make your claims valid. Good thing there is a week for that. I assume you have no issues with training Shirou, Kirei?"

"None at all." Kirei says with a smile that makes Shirou shiver.

===

Rin looks at the steaks on their breakfast plates. Then she looks over and sees the bigger one on Saber's plate.

'…Archer, I have a bad feeling.'

'Likewise, but I doubt it is anything that bad…He is probably just trying to make nice with Saber after burning that bridge with you…Magical Baby Girl~.'

'ARCHER!' Rin screams telepathically at Emiya, who laughs uncontrollably.

'Sorry…Magical Baby Girl 2004~.'

'AGGHH!' Rin yells at her servant before looking at a smiling Kazuma and giggling Illya.

"…Why are you two so chummy all of a sudden?"

"Oh nothing you need to worry about…Mongrel~" Illya says with a smirk, making Rin drop a fork.

"Something wrong mongrel? Perhaps you need to be chained up to recall your table manners?" Kazuma asks, making Illya choke back a laugh as Rin stammers.

"…How did you-" Rin stops and looks at Saber who is turns away while chewing filet mignon.

"You…! You sold me out for…for meat?!"

"I'm just keeping up my strength."

"You have Caster giving you mana, you don't need to eat!"

"I find it consoling after this week."

"…Spoken just like a woman." Rin says, making Saber stand up.

"How dare you! Though I cannot say I am surprised, from someone who would willingly consort with him over the phone, like a lewd coward!" Saber pales when Rin fires a gander shot, hitting the steak, making it fall to the floor, now a purple mess from curse.

Saber draws her blade, making Kazuma and Illya pale.

'God damn it Rin!" Archer thinks angrily at Rin while appearing with swords in hand.

'Not my fault!'

'You do not mess with a lion's meal!' Archer thinks while deflecting Saber's blade.

Cu joins the fray, attacking Archer along with Saber.

"Wrong target Cu!" Kazuma shouts.

"It feels right to me!" Cu says as Medea and Medusa enter the room.

"…It's not even noon." Medusa says.

"She ruined my breakfast!"

"Oh pardon ME! That is obviously much worse than divulging my kinks to this degenerate!" Rin shouts back.

"You dare call me a degenerate when you fantasize about being tied up and talked down to while calling someone 'daddy'!? You really do have some 'Darkness' in you!"

"What the Hell is that supposed to mean?!"

"I don't think we should be here for this Rider, we should-" Caster says.

"And excuse me for having a complex from not having my dad around and taking classes from Kuzuki for years!" Rin says before paling at realizing Caster is in the room.

"Covetous wench!" Medea shouts as Archer is being pushed back from Saber and Cu.

"Oh no…" Medusa says with a hand at her head.

"I think things are getting out of hand again Kazuma."

"Yep…"

"That's it! Unlimited Blade Works!" Archer shouts, changing the dining room into a barren field of clockwork gears and swords, a few dozen trained on Saber, Cu Chulainn, and Medea.

"What the Hell just happened?!" Kazuma asks as everyone also looks on in shock.

"It's…a reality marble…!" Illya says.

"Yes…my Noble Phantasm that can possibly counter one of Gilgamesh's…" Archer says before looking at Caster.

"…I think we should maintain the alliance, but stay in separate locations."

"…Agreed. But to prevent backstabbing, I will have Medusa stay here, and Kazuma comes with me and Saber." Medea says.

"Absolutely not!" Saber says.

"You know anyone else that would prevent betrayal?"

"You think Kazuma would stay Rin's hand?" Saber asks.

"It'll stay the Hound, who will in turn stay them…besides, he'll likely want to keep an eye on the vegetable garden."

"…Fair enough. Not a fan, but I am fairly certain you wouldn't harm him." Cu says and they go their separate ways.





===

Shirou breathes heavily, sweating coating his body as he is flung across the room, now flat on his back.

"Better than I expected, but you still have a long way to go young man."

Shirou does not respond for a minute, instead slowly standing back up and raising his fists.

Kirei merely smiles, mirroring the motion.



===



That evening at the temple, Saber is called to the basement of the temple.

'At least I'll be safe from perversions this week despite him being here.' She thinks before seeing Medea holding up a white dress roughly her size.

"…Please tell me Kazuma put you up to this so I can kill him."

"All my idea Elizabeth."

"That is not my-"

"Though I do wonder if Kazuma has ideas for some outfits?" Medea wonders out loud.

"I am not wearing anything you or he suggests!" Saber says with a glare that is short lived when Medea raises her hand.

"You wouldn't dare-"

"By my command seal, put on this dress Saber!"

Saber screams in impotent anger while putting on the dress.

 

[ModerationArt]

You truly manage to capture the essence of konosuba's spirit.

 

[Dopplerdee]

Saber screams in impotent anger while putting on the dress.

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Say yes to the Dress (derogatory).

 

[alextheconqueror]

The konosubaness is strong in this one, also interesting that Shirou Will be trained by Kirei, well without Archer around he won't get massive leaps of proficiency so they are fine