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General chat thread

Reader mode
*Five minutes or so after reading.*

Wait, was that Lancer with a fishing rod? Did someone summon an Ōnamazu or something!?
 
BlackHadou said:
Everything. Grammar. Iffy storytelling. Out of character. EVERYTHING.
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...

Well...

From what I know of FSN, it looks to me like you've currently got all three of the characters who've shown up so nailed down. Maybe when you progress the story more you might stray a bit from their characters but as I said, it's good right now.

Logos caught all the grammar and typos that he noticed.

And I don't see any pressing concerns in your story telling...

So yeah, my final thoughts are that what you have so far is pretty good!
 
I'm not really a go to for writing advice, but I find the dialogue in the first part of the snip kind of off for some reason. The latter parts, after they've left the house, seem much more natural to me.
 
kinglugia said:
Seems to me like Fate/hollow atraxia, BlackHadou.
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...
... Was meant to be a Rebuild of Fate...

...

Maybe I am failing at this...

notmi said:
I'm not really a go to for writing advice, but I find the dialogue in the first part of the snip kind of off for some reason. The latter parts, after they've left the house, seem much more natural to me.
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...
I see. I'll take another look at it once I've finished this scene.
 
"Remember to lock the back door, senpai!"

"Right, right!"

I hadn't forgotten, of course, hurriedly brushing my teeth as I ran around the back of the house like a headless chicken. I spent just a little too long on breakfast, and now we were slightly late, for a given value of late.

Sakura had archery this morning, but I'm a vaunted member of the 'go home' club. So really, I didn't have to be at school till eight. I used to be a member of the archer club, but, well…

While I say I left to save face, truth is, I got suspended from it and never actually renewed my membership. My bow is still somewhere in the shed, never seeing any use at all.

Sakura was standing beside the front gate as I made my way around, quickly turning and closing the front door.

"Got everything?"

"Yep." Sakura seems a little cheerful, closing the gate behind me as I darted out onto the street and locking it. "When will you be back, senpai?"

"Hopefully? Sometime before nine." I grimace a little at the question. "Work's called me in to do some unpacking, so I might be a little late."

"Right."

"And you?"

"The usual time. Actually, maybe a little earlier, senpai. I'll have dinner waiting for you."

"Thanks."

The usual time. That was more like seven. I'd be keeping Sakura waiting a while.

"Shinji won't be upset?"

"Shinji won't be home tonight. He and grandfather have business to attend to."

"Oh… right..."

That killed conversation entirely. Sakura's voice was quite clipped. It was obvious she didn't want to actually speak about it.

We walked to school in silence. There wasn't anything to say. We saw a few students on the way, also heading to their morning practices, but otherwise, the streets were empty.

Mostly.

I'm pretty sure I caught a glimpse of a man with blue hair walking down the street with a fishing pole over his shoulder, but I really have no idea how to react to that. The sales tag was still attached, as if he'd just bought it, but it was far too early for any store to be open…

…

I ignore it. There's no need to worry about it.

We soon reach the school gate. It's a large building, but, well, some parts of it are less then well maintained.

"See ya later."

I begin to walk into the gate, but Sakura doesn't budge.

"Senpai?"

"Is something the matter?"

"No, not at all, just..." She trails off for a moment. "Would you like to come to the archery club? You don't have to pick up a bow, but-"

I shake my head.

This wasn't an unusual request. Sakura asked me once or twice a month, and had for over a year.

"No. Issei asked for some help. Besides, only archers should be in the range."

"R-right..."

I hate myself for the excuse I used. Sakura just bows politely.

"I'll see you later, senpai."

And then she's gone. I just let out a long, heavy sigh as I begin to walk into the main building. The feeling in my gut is intense, and it doesn't seem like it'll settle soon.

I hate that feeling.

Issei is exactly where I thought he was, the third floor student council room. I silently open the door and shuffle in, eyeing the man at the table. He's a sharp looking guy, really, but he's rather plain. They say he's popular with the girls, but sometimes I really don't see it.

Especially when he's sitting there with his tea and newspaper. He comes off as a monk when he does that.

"You're a bit late, Emiya." Issei notes, his eyes scanning me. "Slept in?"

"Is it that obvious?"

"You forgot to brush your hair."

Issei was the epitome of order, really. One would have to be to accept the insane job of trying to sort the student council into any sort of working order. Before Issei got his mitts into them, the council was considered just as bad as being part of the go home club.

But seeing him like this, it was questionable if he was working or relaxing.

"Shouldn't the others be here?"

"No. They like to keep to their hours. I suppose that's just part of having jobs, for some of them. For others, that's part of being lazy." Issei retorted, gesturing to a pile of papers a few seats down from where he was sitting. "Unfortunate, but I'll have to sort that out later."

"Oh? Then why the paper?" I point to the newspaper in Issei's hands. He shrugged.

"I suppose you wouldn't know yet. The school is issuing a curfew, starting today." He answered. "Souchirou-sensei asked me to prepare a statement on it for the school newsletter. I was just making sure I had the dates right."

I didn't notice until he pointed it out, but the date on the newspaper was almost two weeks old. He raised a sheet of paper almost melodramatically.

"Right. Seems a bit routine for you, though."

"Someone has to do it. I was the only one here. Souchirou-sensei seemed a bit put on the spot, too."

"Sounds rough."

"Is that pity in your voice?"

"No. Not really." This sort of thing was what Issei liked, after all. The guy was patient like a saint. "What did you need me for, then?"

Issei let out a long sigh, glancing at his paper.

"That's right..."

"You forgot?"

"No. Not really." He echoed my previous sentence. "I had thought to give you a moment after the walk to school, but we don't really have time. You have your tools?"

"Everything I need, yeah." What I didn't have on me, could be obtained from the supply closet. Issei just took another sip of his tea, draining the cup and staring at it's empty contents.

"Well. Follow me." He muttered.

Issei and I were friends, but that doesn't mean he was any less blunt with me then anyone else. In some ways, it was refreshing.

Really, though, I was simply treated to Issei's woes about the council not having the budget to please all the clubs. My involvement was fairly simple on the matter. Fix the things that kept breaking.

"Our school's budget is horribly unbalanced."

That's what he said. I couldn't really disagree with that. With a very prestigious archery and kendo team, the schools budget was naturally biased towards the athletics clubs, which left the other clubs floundering for funding. Today's unfortunate victim was a heater that had died earlier in the week.

"Pass me the screwdriver."

"Which one?"

"Third on the left."

Pulling the side of the heater off, I have a peer inside. It's old, dusty and I can see specks of rust. At a guess? My un-professional opinion was that it was just old.

"Can it be fixed, Emiya?" Issei sounded a little concerned. I hummed, my eyes scanning through.

"Maybe." I answer. "If it's just old, then there won't be any issues fixing it, it'll just be a little messy."

"Oh." Issei sounded a little surprised. "The art club would have you believe it's about to spontaneously combust."

Well, I suppose to someone who didn't know better, that'd probably be what a heater ceasing to function sounded like.

"It's probably not that bad." I mused. "Mind waiting outside? This might get messy, and there's no sense in both of us being covered in dust."

"Right. Right. I'll be outside, Emiya."

Issei didn't question my request. That's good.

Letting out a small sigh, I put my hand against the heater. Within moments, an image of the heater appeared in my head, a detailed blueprint of its schematics.

Structural Analysis, the magic that I learned from father. My only talent. As far as talents go, it's a useless one. Father said that a real talent would be the ability to discern a things true nature at a glance, for that was the thing most targeted by magic. I could only discern the physical nature, though. That's something anyone could do.

Still, it confirmed my thoughts. Some broken wire and a few issues with the power cord. I could fix this easily.

It took maybe ten minutes. I walked out of the room both feeling accomplished and annoyed. I hope that is the only one, and Issei isn't holding out on me.

If there's too many more, we might be in trouble. I don't have much wire left, and the storage closet's outside the school.

"Issei, the re-"

My voice trails off. Issei isn't alone outside the room. Standing in front of him is a girl, who looks more then a little cross. Black hair tied in pigtails, red jacket, narrow eyes.

Tohsaka Rin. The 'idol' of the school. Perfect grades, intelligent, well mannered, good looking…

The perfect, ideal girl.

Really, you'd think she'd get along with Issei, but they can't stand each other at all.

"You're finished? Great. You think you can do another one?"

Issei pointedly ignores Rin. I… well, that takes guts, gotta admit.

"As long as it's only one more. I don't have enough material to fix more then one."

"Yeah, just one more. Thank you, Emiya. This way."

Issei leads on, walking past Rin without a word. I just give an apologetic smile before following.

Still, my eyes catch something on her right hand, a small bandage of something.

Was everyone hurting their right hands lately?

…

Still, we made good time. The AV room heater wasn't as old as the Art club heater. I fixed it with less material. It did, however, make us late for arriving at class. We practically burst in two minutes after the first home bell rung. If we'd been much longer, Taiga would have beaten us here.

"Phew." I'm huffing and puffing.

"Well, that was close." Issei was too.

"Mmm? How close?"

I felt like jumping out of my skin and the somewhat cheeky voice behind me, slowly turning. Taiga is standing directly behind me, the roll in hand.

"Uh..."

"You're on time. Go sit down." She seems a little blunt, but I suppose having Issei right next to me must have leant some legitimacy or something. I just shared a nervous look with him before making my way towards my seat. "Right, class rep, do the bows and I'll start home room."

Really, nothing out of the ordinary happened. I almost dozed off in the middle of the announcements until Taiga came to the final item on her list. Even if she's my 'guardian', not even Taiga can make the monotony of home room more interesting.

"Oh, one last thing. Everyone, attention please." Taiga calls out. "From today into the forseeable future, there is a curfew for all students. It's 6 o'clock, so even if you attend a club, don't stay too late."

I blink, glancing at Issei.

Well, I never doubted him, but still, it was nice knowing about that just a little early.

"But Taiga-sensei, that's way too early! Can't-"

"That's Fujimura-sensei in school. I'll get mad if you call me that again." I blink. Someone poked the metaphorical tiger. "No, even if your in an athletics club, the curfew is curfew. If you have a problem, go speak to the police."

"Fujimura-san."

"Oh, right! Class is over! I'll see you all again for third period!"

I let out a small sigh as Taiga hands the class over to Souchirou-sensei, rushing out of the room. The man stops by Issei's desk, passing a few hushed words and a sheet of paper, before making his way to the podium.

Well, all in all, this was shaping up to be a normal morning.

Chapter 2 in what is currently full.

Okay. Let's see if I can isolate the problem in the first parts.
 
BlackHadou said:
"Remember to lock the back door, senpai!"

"Right, right!"

I hadn't forgotten, of course, hurriedly brushing my teeth as I ran around the back of the house like a headless chicken. I spent just a little too long on breakfast, and now we were slightly late, for a given value of late.

Sakura had archery this morning, but I'm a vaunted member of the 'go home' club. So really, I didn't have to be at school till eight. I used to be a member of the archer club, but, well…

While I say I left to save face, truth is, I got suspended from it and never actually renewed my membership. My bow is still somewhere in the shed, never seeing any use at all.

Sakura was standing beside the front gate as I made my way around, quickly turning and closing the front door.

"Got everything?"

"Yep." Sakura seems a little cheerful, closing the gate behind me as I darted out onto the street and locking it. "When will you be back, senpai?"

"Hopefully? Sometime before nine." I grimace a little at the question. "Work's called me in to do some unpacking, so I might be a little late."

"Right."

"And you?"

"The usual time. Actually, maybe a little earlier, senpai. I'll have dinner waiting for you."

"Thanks."

The usual time. That was more like seven. I'd be keeping Sakura waiting a while.

"Shinji won't be upset?"

"Shinji won't be home tonight. He and grandfather have business to attend to."

"Oh… right..."

That killed conversation entirely. Sakura's voice was quite clipped. It was obvious she didn't want to actually speak about it.

We walked to school in silence. There wasn't anything to say. We saw a few students on the way, also heading to their morning practices, but otherwise, the streets were empty.

Mostly.

I'm pretty sure I caught a glimpse of a man with blue hair walking down the street with a fishing pole over his shoulder, but I really have no idea how to react to that. The sales tag was still attached, as if he'd just bought it, but it was far too early for any store to be open…

…

I ignore it. There's no need to worry about it.

We soon reach the school gate. It's a large building, but, well, some parts of it are less then well maintained.

"See ya later."

I begin to walk into the gate, but Sakura doesn't budge.

"Senpai?"

"Is something the matter?"

"No, not at all, just..." She trails off for a moment. "Would you like to come to the archery club? You don't have to pick up a bow, but-"

I shake my head.

This wasn't an unusual request. Sakura asked me once or twice a month, and had for over a year.

"No. Issei asked for some help. Besides, only archers should be in the range."

"R-right..."

I hate myself for the excuse I used. Sakura just bows politely.

"I'll see you later, senpai."

And then she's gone. I just let out a long, heavy sigh as I begin to walk into the main building. The feeling in my gut is intense, and it doesn't seem like it'll settle soon.

I hate that feeling.

Issei is exactly where I thought he was, the third floor student council room. I silently open the door and shuffle in, eyeing the man at the table. He's a sharp looking guy, really, but he's rather plain. They say he's popular with the girls, but sometimes I really don't see it.

Especially when he's sitting there with his tea and newspaper. He comes off as a monk when he does that.

"You're a bit late, Emiya." Issei notes, his eyes scanning me. "Slept in?"

"Is it that obvious?"

"You forgot to brush your hair."

Issei was the epitome of order, really. One would have to be to accept the insane job of trying to sort the student council into any sort of working order. Before Issei got his mitts into them, the council was considered just as bad as being part of the go home club.

But seeing him like this, it was questionable if he was working or relaxing.

"Shouldn't the others be here?"

"No. They like to keep to their hours. I suppose that's just part of having jobs, for some of them. For others, that's part of being lazy." Issei retorted, gesturing to a pile of papers a few seats down from where he was sitting. "Unfortunate, but I'll have to sort that out later."

"Oh? Then why the paper?" I point to the newspaper in Issei's hands. He shrugged.

"I suppose you wouldn't know yet. The school is issuing a curfew, starting today." He answered. "Souchirou-sensei asked me to prepare a statement on it for the school newsletter. I was just making sure I had the dates right."

I didn't notice until he pointed it out, but the date on the newspaper was almost two weeks old. He raised a sheet of paper almost melodramatically.

"Right. Seems a bit routine for you, though."

"Someone has to do it. I was the only one here. Souchirou-sensei seemed a bit put on the spot, too."

"Sounds rough."

"Is that pity in your voice?"

"No. Not really." This sort of thing was what Issei liked, after all. The guy was patient like a saint. "What did you need me for, then?"

Issei let out a long sigh, glancing at his paper.

"That's right..."

"You forgot?"

"No. Not really." He echoed my previous sentence. "I had thought to give you a moment after the walk to school, but we don't really have time. You have your tools?"

"Everything I need, yeah." What I didn't have on me, could be obtained from the supply closet. Issei just took another sip of his tea, draining the cup and staring at it's empty contents.

"Well. Follow me." He muttered.

Issei and I were friends, but that doesn't mean he was any less blunt with me then anyone else. In some ways, it was refreshing.

Really, though, I was simply treated to Issei's woes about the council not having the budget to please all the clubs. My involvement was fairly simple on the matter. Fix the things that kept breaking.

"Our school's budget is horribly unbalanced."

That's what he said. I couldn't really disagree with that. With a very prestigious archery and kendo team, the schools budget was naturally biased towards the athletics clubs, which left the other clubs floundering for funding. Today's unfortunate victim was a heater that had died earlier in the week.

"Pass me the screwdriver."

"Which one?"

"Third on the left."

Pulling the side of the heater off, I have a peer inside. It's old, dusty and I can see specks of rust. At a guess? My un-professional opinion was that it was just old.

"Can it be fixed, Emiya?" Issei sounded a little concerned. I hummed, my eyes scanning through.

"Maybe." I answer. "If it's just old, then there won't be any issues fixing it, it'll just be a little messy."

"Oh." Issei sounded a little surprised. "The art club would have you believe it's about to spontaneously combust."

Well, I suppose to someone who didn't know better, that'd probably be what a heater ceasing to function sounded like.

"It's probably not that bad." I mused. "Mind waiting outside? This might get messy, and there's no sense in both of us being covered in dust."

"Right. Right. I'll be outside, Emiya."

Issei didn't question my request. That's good.

Letting out a small sigh, I put my hand against the heater. Within moments, an image of the heater appeared in my head, a detailed blueprint of its schematics.

Structural Analysis, the magic that I learned from father. My only talent. As far as talents go, it's a useless one. Father said that a real talent would be the ability to discern a things true nature at a glance, for that was the thing most targeted by magic. I could only discern the physical nature, though. That's something anyone could do.

Still, it confirmed my thoughts. Some broken wire and a few issues with the power cord. I could fix this easily.

It took maybe ten minutes. I walked out of the room both feeling accomplished and annoyed. I hope that is the only one, and Issei isn't holding out on me.

If there's too many more, we might be in trouble. I don't have much wire left, and the storage closet's outside the school.

"Issei, the re-"

My voice trails off. Issei isn't alone outside the room. Standing in front of him is a girl, who looks more then a little cross. Black hair tied in pigtails, red jacket, narrow eyes.

Tohsaka Rin. The 'idol' of the school. Perfect grades, intelligent, well mannered, good looking…

The perfect, ideal girl.

Really, you'd think she'd get along with Issei, but they can't stand each other at all.

"You're finished? Great. You think you can do another one?"

Issei pointedly ignores Rin. I… well, that takes guts, gotta admit.

"As long as it's only one more. I don't have enough material to fix more then one."

"Yeah, just one more. Thank you, Emiya. This way."

Issei leads on, walking past Rin without a word. I just give an apologetic smile before following.

Still, my eyes catch something on her right hand, a small bandage of something.

Was everyone hurting their right hands lately?

…

Still, we made good time. The AV room heater wasn't as old as the Art club heater. I fixed it with less material. It did, however, make us late for arriving at class. We practically burst in two minutes after the first home bell rung. If we'd been much longer, Taiga would have beaten us here.

"Phew." I'm huffing and puffing.

"Well, that was close." Issei was too.

"Mmm? How close?"

I felt like jumping out of my skin and the somewhat cheeky voice behind me, slowly turning. Taiga is standing directly behind me, the roll in hand.

"Uh..."

"You're on time. Go sit down." She seems a little blunt, but I suppose having Issei right next to me must have leant some legitimacy or something. I just shared a nervous look with him before making my way towards my seat. "Right, class rep, do the bows and I'll start home room."

Really, nothing out of the ordinary happened. I almost dozed off in the middle of the announcements until Taiga came to the final item on her list. Even if she's my 'guardian', not even Taiga can make the monotony of home room more interesting.

"Oh, one last thing. Everyone, attention please." Taiga calls out. "From today into the forseeable future, there is a curfew for all students. It's 6 o'clock, so even if you attend a club, don't stay too late."

I blink, glancing at Issei.

Well, I never doubted him, but still, it was nice knowing about that just a little early.

"But Taiga-sensei, that's way too early! Can't-"

"That's Fujimura-sensei in school. I'll get mad if you call me that again." I blink. Someone poked the metaphorical tiger. "No, even if your in an athletics club, the curfew is curfew. If you have a problem, go speak to the police."

"Fujimura-san."

"Oh, right! Class is over! I'll see you all again for third period!"

I let out a small sigh as Taiga hands the class over to Souchirou-sensei, rushing out of the room. The man stops by Issei's desk, passing a few hushed words and a sheet of paper, before making his way to the podium.

Well, all in all, this was shaping up to be a normal morning.

Chapter 2 in what is currently full.

Okay. Let's see if I can isolate the problem in the first parts.
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...
Evillevi said:
It's long. Almost to the point of being unwieldy

Personally I think that you should find a better way to break the scene of Sakura+Shirou dialog, Issei + Shirou Dialog pt 1, and Issei + Shirou dialog pt 2.
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...
With Dinner and not halved starved, I need to elaborate a bit more.

Specifically it feels flat. Well written, but flat and slow. The tone doesn't change overly much, the mild humour and awesomely drawn normality that was in the anime was absent which is a problem. You used complete sentences which... while easy to understand, lacks the snappiness of partial sentences, and that compounded the the tone problem.
 
*yawns*
Just got up, so I'm a little late to the party
lessee if I can't help a little

BlackHadou said:
"Remember to lock the back door, senpai!"

"Right, right!"

I hadn't forgotten, of course, hurriedly brushing my teeth as I ran around the back of the house like a headless chicken. I spent just a little too long on breakfast, and now we were slightly late, for a given value of late.

Sakura had archery this morning, but I'm a vaunted member of the 'go home' club. So really, I didn't have to be at school till eight. I used to be a member of the archer club, but, well…

While I say I left to save face, truth is, I got suspended from it and never actually renewed my membership. My bow is still somewhere in the shed, never seeing any use at all.

Sakura was standing beside the front gate as I made my way around, quickly turning and closing the front door.

"Got everything?"

"Yep." Sakura seems a little cheerful, closing the gate behind me as I darted out onto the street and locking it. "When will you be back, senpai?"

"Hopefully? Sometime before nine." I grimace a little at the question. "Work's called me in to do some unpacking, so I might be a little late."

"Right."

"And you?"

"The usual time. Actually, maybe a little earlier, senpai. I'll have dinner waiting for you."

"Thanks."

The usual time. That was more like seven. I'd be keeping Sakura waiting a while.

"Shinji won't be upset?"

"Shinji won't be home tonight. He and grandfather have business to attend to."

"Oh… right..."

That killed conversation entirely. Sakura's voice was quite clipped. It was obvious she didn't want to actually speak about it.

We walked to school in silence. There wasn't anything to say. We saw a few students on the way, also heading to their morning practices, but otherwise, the streets were empty.

Mostly.

I'm pretty sure I caught a glimpse of a man with blue hair walking down the street with a fishing pole over his shoulder, but I really have no idea how to react to that. The sales tag was still attached, as if he'd just bought it, but it was far too early for any store to be open…

…

I ignore it. There's no need to worry about it.

We soon reach the school gate. It's a large building, but, well, some parts of it are less then well maintained.

"See ya later."

I begin to walk into the gate, but Sakura doesn't budge.

"Senpai?"

"Is something the matter?"

"No, not at all, just..." She trails off for a moment. "Would you like to come to the archery club? You don't have to pick up a bow, but-"

I shake my head.

This wasn't an unusual request. Sakura asked me once or twice a month, and had for over a year.

"No. Issei asked for some help. Besides, only archers should be in the range."

"R-right..."

I hate myself for the excuse I used. Sakura just bows politely.

"I'll see you later, senpai."

And then she's gone. I just let out a long, heavy sigh as I begin to walk into the main building. The feeling in my gut is intense, and it doesn't seem like it'll settle soon.

I hate that feeling.

Issei is exactly where I thought he was, the third floor student council room. I silently open the door and shuffle in, eyeing the man at the table. He's a sharp looking guy, really, but he's rather plain. They say he's popular with the girls, but sometimes I really don't see it.

Especially when he's sitting there with his tea and newspaper. He comes off as a monk when he does that.

"You're a bit late, Emiya." Issei notes, his eyes scanning me. "Slept in?"

"Is it that obvious?"

"You forgot to brush your hair."

Issei was the epitome of order, really. One would have to be to accept the insane job of trying to sort the student council into any sort of working order. Before Issei got his mitts into them, the council was considered just as bad as being part of the go home club.

But seeing him like this, it was questionable if he was working or relaxing.

"Shouldn't the others be here?"

"No. They like to keep to their hours. I suppose that's just part of having jobs, for some of them. For others, that's part of being lazy." Issei retorted, gesturing to a pile of papers a few seats down from where he was sitting. "Unfortunate, but I'll have to sort that out later."

"Oh? Then why the paper?" I point to the newspaper in Issei's hands. He shrugged.

"I suppose you wouldn't know yet. The school is issuing a curfew, starting today." He answered. "Souchirou-sensei asked me to prepare a statement on it for the school newsletter. I was just making sure I had the dates right."

I didn't notice until he pointed it out, but the date on the newspaper was almost two weeks old. He raised a sheet of paper almost melodramatically.

"Right. Seems a bit routine for you, though."

"Someone has to do it. I was the only one here. Souchirou-sensei seemed a bit put on the spot, too."

"Sounds rough."

"Is that pity in your voice?"

"No. Not really." This sort of thing was what Issei liked, after all. The guy was patient like a saint. "What did you need me for, then?"

Issei let out a long sigh, glancing at his paper.

"That's right..."

"You forgot?"

"No. Not really." He echoed my previous sentence. "I had thought to give you a moment after the walk to school, but we don't really have time. You have your tools?"

"Everything I need, yeah." What I didn't have on me, could be obtained from the supply closet. Issei just took another sip of his tea, draining the cup and staring at it's empty contents.

"Well. Follow me." He muttered.

Issei and I were friends, but that doesn't mean he was any less blunt with me then anyone else. In some ways, it was refreshing.

Really, though, I was simply treated to Issei's woes about the council not having the budget to please all the clubs. My involvement was fairly simple on the matter. Fix the things that kept breaking.

"Our school's budget is horribly unbalanced."

That's what he said. I couldn't really disagree with that. With a very prestigious archery and kendo team, the schools budget was naturally biased towards the athletics clubs, which left the other clubs floundering for funding. Today's unfortunate victim was a heater that had died earlier in the week.

"Pass me the screwdriver."

"Which one?"

"Third on the left."

Pulling the side of the heater off, I have a peer inside. It's old, dusty and I can see specks of rust. At a guess? My un-professional opinion was that it was just old.

"Can it be fixed, Emiya?" Issei sounded a little concerned. I hummed, my eyes scanning through.

"Maybe." I answer. "If it's just old, then there won't be any issues fixing it, it'll just be a little messy."

"Oh." Issei sounded a little surprised. "The art club would have you believe it's about to spontaneously combust."

Well, I suppose to someone who didn't know better, that'd probably be what a heater ceasing to function sounded like.

"It's probably not that bad." I mused. "Mind waiting outside? This might get messy, and there's no sense in both of us being covered in dust."

"Right. Right. I'll be outside, Emiya."

Issei didn't question my request. That's good.

Letting out a small sigh, I put my hand against the heater. Within moments, an image of the heater appeared in my head, a detailed blueprint of its schematics.

Structural Analysis, the magic that I learned from father. My only talent. As far as talents go, it's a useless one. Father said that a real talent would be the ability to discern a things true nature at a glance, for that was the thing most targeted by magic. I could only discern the physical nature, though. That's something anyone could do.

Still, it confirmed my thoughts. Some broken wire and a few issues with the power cord. I could fix this easily.

It took maybe ten minutes. I walked out of the room both feeling accomplished and annoyed. I hope that is the only one, and Issei isn't holding out on me.

If there's too many more, we might be in trouble. I don't have much wire left, and the storage closet's outside the school.

"Issei, the re-"

My voice trails off. Issei isn't alone outside the room. Standing in front of him is a girl, who looks more then a little cross. Black hair tied in pigtails, red jacket, narrow eyes.

Tohsaka Rin. The 'idol' of the school. Perfect grades, intelligent, well mannered, good looking…

The perfect, ideal girl.

Really, you'd think she'd get along with Issei, but they can't stand each other at all.

"You're finished? Great. You think you can do another one?"

Issei pointedly ignores Rin. I… well, that takes guts, gotta admit.

"As long as it's only one more. I don't have enough material to fix more then one."

"Yeah, just one more. Thank you, Emiya. This way."

Issei leads on, walking past Rin without a word. I just give an apologetic smile before following.

Still, my eyes catch something on her right hand, a small bandage of something.

Was everyone hurting their right hands lately?

…

Still, we made good time. The AV room heater wasn't as old as the Art club heater. I fixed it with less material. It did, however, make us late for arriving at class. We practically burst in two minutes after the first home bell rung. If we'd been much longer, Taiga would have beaten us here.

"Phew." I'm huffing and puffing.

"Well, that was close." Issei was too.

"Mmm? How close?"

I felt like jumping out of my skin and the somewhat cheeky voice behind me, slowly turning. Taiga is standing directly behind me, the roll in hand.

"Uh..."

"You're on time. Go sit down." She seems a little blunt, but I suppose having Issei right next to me must have leant some legitimacy or something. I just shared a nervous look with him before making my way towards my seat. "Right, class rep, do the bows and I'll start home room."

Really, nothing out of the ordinary happened. I almost dozed off in the middle of the announcements until Taiga came to the final item on her list. Even if she's my 'guardian', not even Taiga can make the monotony of home room more interesting.

"Oh, one last thing. Everyone, attention please." Taiga calls out. "From today into the forseeable future, there is a curfew for all students. It's 6 o'clock, so even if you attend a club, don't stay too late."

I blink, glancing at Issei.

Well, I never doubted him, but still, it was nice knowing about that just a little early.

"But Taiga-sensei, that's way too early! Can't-"

"That's Fujimura-sensei in school. I'll get mad if you call me that again." I blink. Someone poked the metaphorical tiger. "No, even if your in an athletics club, the curfew is curfew. If you have a problem, go speak to the police."

"Fujimura-san."

"Oh, right! Class is over! I'll see you all again for third period!"

I let out a small sigh as Taiga hands the class over to Souchirou-sensei, rushing out of the room. The man stops by Issei's desk, passing a few hushed words and a sheet of paper, before making his way to the podium.

Well, all in all, this was shaping up to be a normal morning.


Chapter 2 in what is currently full.

Okay. Let's see if I can isolate the problem in the first parts.
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Mmm
I like it quite a bit, though it does have a few issues, if you don't mind me saying

1. Sakura, and her tone shift. I kind of wish you'd elaborate on that a little more. Her tone and expression cut off that line of discussion, but someone like Shirou would probably check on her visage a few times in, at the very least, guilty worry. Though, to be fair, you did fast-track the walk to school. I think he'd at least look at her again, and her change, or lack thereof, in expression would go a long way in characterizing her more.

2. The conversations. I'll agree with Evillevi a bit here, and say that the dialogue does come across as a bit flat. The dynamic feel of conversation feels a bit lost, though that's something you see in a lot of fiction, not all by fans either. But the speed...I, personally, don't have a problem with that. I enjoyed your pacing, as it gives it the more relaxed feel the situation demands.

Mmmm...I think that's it. The thing I said about Sakura could be applicable to Shirou and Issei's chat as well, but I don't think that's much of a problem. The problem I had with Sakura's bit was that you highlighted a specific emotion, and never followed up on that. But...that's it I guess? I did really like the snip though bunny.
 
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Well, whenever I write an essay I know where to send it for corrections and critique.
Recently heard from teacher that short stories essay have gotten harder.
I remembered that I passed my grade 5 exam with a B by writing the prologue of F/SN.
 
Bladestar123 said:
1. Sakura, and her tone shift. I kind of wish you'd elaborate on that a little more. Her tone and expression cut off that line of discussion, but someone like Shirou would probably check on her visage a few times in, at the very least, guilty worry. Though, to be fair, you did fast-track the walk to school. I think he'd at least look at her again, and her change, or lack thereof, in expression would go a long way in characterizing her more.
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Ah, there we go. That was what my issue was, I just couldn't figure out how to put it into words.
 
I haven't been in this thread in a week. What's been happening?
 
Priapus said:
Most things.
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Glad to see that nothing's changed.
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Usually not a fan of rap, but this one manages to be fairly nice.
 
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