Premise: Spars. They happen all the time in Konoha. Watching one which used the Kage Bunshin...
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Well, if you haven't done it before we won't know if we want it or not so just do it. You'll never improve without trying.Two reasons. One, it's my first post on this site. Two, I'm not sure if I could write it properly.
Yeah, I'm not touching that with a ten foot pole, even with a promise of lewds. Standards, man
-this from your tittle."(Strong Naruto/Tenten/Harem)(Fem Sasuke, Fem Haku, Fem Kyuubi)"
I do not see it on FFN either (except for summaries, and that can often be an indication to avoid, unless the author has written something you liked beforehand).For starters, please eliminate-
-this from your tittle.
While the intention of writing a Naruto story is approved by me for the simple fact that I like the lore of the series and what a little change would bring, this kind of thing is almost universally a deterrent against readers in Questionable Questing, Sufficient Velocity and SpaceBattles; the standard of these sites is not the same as the one in Fanfiction dot net. Try eliminating this and incorporate it into the story without telling anyone about it.
Yeah, but if you lurk in that site- which I do -you have to be prepared to lower your standards... or kill yourself of boredom looking for the ones that are of a higher quality. Haven't searched for it though.I do not see it on FFN either (except for summaries, and that can often be an indication to avoid, unless the author has written something you liked beforehand).
I am in agreement with it not really being needed...or particularly desired.
1) This, we are not japanese and the use of this can cut the flow of the text. Use "Clone Technique".
2) While Lee's and Guy's clothing is a jumpsuit, Naruto's is not. It's a tracksuit, or pants and jacket.
3) The same thing as with the first (1) point, "Shadow Clone Technique". Might want to know the little fact that even though they appear to be shouted in the anime, they aren't, it's like in the manga which just indicates what the technique is while they are performing it.
4) Try giving a scene to this, you are telling a lot without showing us what the hell happened... you could also skip it altogether, the last scene made clear what was going on; but that would run into the issue of the people that don't know Naruto might also get confused with what the problem is and why this seems to be the key to solving it.Over the next few hours, Naruto worked on making more clones. Eventually, he found out that if hehe tried making twenty clones at once using the same amount of chakra as his first attempt worked perfectly. The rest of the day was spent learning how much chakra was needed to produce what number of clones.
5) The relationship between the two is not that close, while Naruto likes to be in the presence of the Third Fire Shadow because of a very distinct lack of the ordinary indifference or the rarer hate, and he is someone that he can look up to; they can be seen more as friendly acquaintances, which is an improvement.Looking up, Sarutobi Hiruzen smiled at the sight of his surrogate grandson.
6) His response is too agitated to be in-character with the person we see in the start of the series, this here is one of the signs that you will try to make everyone stop and gawk at THE MARVELOUS NARUTO UZUMAKI AND HIS SUPER TECHNIQUE!1, please try to restrain that desire to make everyone think of this as something unique and make it more in line with something that is unusual or expected out of him since he has a giant chakra battery in the seal on his stomach.The Hokage's jaw dropped as his pipe fell from his mouth.
"Naruto, where in the world did you learn this from?!" He exclaimed in shock.
7) He acts as the stereotype of a wise grandfather, this means that he should have delivered the first part of these news with a calm air and a scolding demeanor, saying the second in an almost resigned tone."Naruto, I want you to listen to me very carefully. That technique is very dangerous. If you didn't have enough chakra when you attempted it, you could have died!" The Hokage stated, making Naruto pale, "On the other hand since you only know the bare basics of it, I suppose you should learn the rest of it. When a Kage Bunshin is dispelled, it's memories go back to the original."
8) Funny, but the part about talking to the statue could be seen by anyone that is out to observe or overhear the activities of the leader of this military post, he should be aware of this and accordingly keet quiet over the fact he just blurted out, not to mention that you could have just made him stop at "seeing it once" and let a silence stretch out, something like amusement crossing his features might be more appropiate too since for him that kind of thing might just be a parlor trick. Remember that he mastered every. SINGLE! THING!!! Every art that was conceived by ninjas is known and mastered by him."To learn a technique just by seeing it once, he truly is your child Minato." He muttered as his eyes watered. Then his eyes widened and he began to cough as he inhaled a breath of non-tobacco smoke. Covering his mouth, he saw that his desk was on fire! A quick water jutsu put it out, and he saw that his pipe had spilled its ashes on his paperwork. Tears began to form waterfalls down his face as he realized that he would have to start all over.
9) Like said in the fifth (5) point, he was almost universally ignored and only actively hated by a very small portion of the village. What we see in the anime and manga is that small portion. It is credible that he was denied access, but try not to exaggerate those parts.Said building was actually one of his favorite places and a sanctuary from the glares and hatred ever since he told the Old Man about being thrown out once.
The Old Man was swift to replace the librarian responsible, and Naruto was free to read stories about the previous Hokages once more. It was one of his favorite pastimes, along with looking for technique scrolls.
10) While the part about Mikoto is believable, try to flesh out the interactions."You bet! And this time I've got help, Kage Bunshin no Jutsu!" With a puff of smoke, ten young blond boys now stood in front of the counter, stunning Mikoto.
After explaining how he learned the technique and getting berated for taking such a risk, Naruto and his clones went through the aisles. It was only fifteen minutes later that a clone found a reference to a technique and brought it to the originals attention.
"Nagareboshi no Jutsu? Let's see..." Naruto read the description of the enemy ninjas attack, then shook his head once, twice, then a third time before gaining an expression of intense disbelief.
11) His control is absolutely awful, he can't muster up the control (4, extra) to do anything of the sort at this stage with chakra burns being something directly out of fanon, it is possible for it to happen when Naruto was learning the Rasengan (Spiralling Sphere), but only because of the friction generated. Chakra is benign and almost harmless to the person using it when the control is all over the place, it only become dangerous when you are going for precision... OR you waste all of it and end up dead.Despite the technique's seeming simplicity, Naruto soon found that the Nagareboshi no Jutsu was dangerous when unrefined. His first attempt to do a boosted kick against a tree led to not only severe bruising at the front but also chakra burns along the back of the lower half of his leg.
1) This, we are not Japanese and the use of this can cut the flow of the text. Use "Clone Technique".
2) While Lee's and Guy's clothing is a jumpsuit, Naruto's is not. It's a tracksuit, or pants and jacket.
3) The same thing as with the first (1) point, "Shadow Clone Technique". Might want to know the little fact that even though they appear to be shouted in the anime, they aren't, it's like in the manga which just indicates what the technique is while they are performing it.
4) Try giving a scene to this, you are telling a lot without showing us what the hell happened... you could also skip it altogether, the last scene made clear what was going on; but that would run into the issue of the people that don't know Naruto might also get confused with what the problem is and why this seems to be the key to solving it.
Extra: The problem with the distribution of chakra for Naruto in the start of the series wasn't that he had a lot of chakras, even though it contributed to the problem, it was that his control was so abysmal that he couldn't even spread it to his clone correctly. The shadow clone technique is almost perfectly tailored to bypass this, it divides his pool evenly between every one of the clones that he creates.
5) The relationship between the two is not that close, while Naruto likes to be in the presence of the Third Fire Shadow because of a very distinct lack of the ordinary indifference or the rarer hate, and he is someone that he can look up to; they can be seen more as friendly acquaintances, which is an improvement.
Sarutobi has a soft spot for Naruto, that is undeniable, but he is also a great political piece that has to be anchored to the leaf and a little kindness from time to time is free and won't harm anyone, which from what can be inferred from the series was not that often, the leader of a military post like this can't be seen doing this often to the same target. Remember that this is an old man... a ninja old man... a ninja old man that survived two world wars AND is reknown as the God of Shinobi and The Professor, in a world where you are lucky to reach thirty!
6) His response is too agitated to be in-character with the person we see at the start of the series, this here is one of the signs that you will try to make everyone stop and gawk at THE MARVELOUS NARUTO UZUMAKI AND HIS SUPER TECHNIQUE!1, please try to restrain that desire to make everyone think of this as something unique and make it more in line with something that is unusual or expected out of him since he has a giant chakra battery in the seal on his stomach.
7) He acts as the stereotype of a wise grandfather, this means that he should have delivered the first part of this news with a calm air and a scolding demeanor, saying the second in an almost resigned tone.
8) Funny, but the part about talking to the statue could be seen by anyone that is out to observe or overhear the activities of the leader of this military post, he should be aware of this and accordingly kept quiet over the fact he just blurted out, not to mention that you could have just made him stop at "seeing it once" and let a silence stretch out, something like amusement crossing his features might be more appropriate too since for him that kind of thing might just be a parlor trick. Remember that he mastered every. SINGLE! THING!!! Every art that was conceived by ninjas is known and mastered by him.
9) Like said in the fifth (5) point, he was almost universally ignored and only actively hated by a very small portion of the village. What we see in the anime and manga is that small portion. It is credible that he was denied access, but try not to exaggerate those parts.
10) While the part about Mikoto is believable, try to flesh out the interactions.
The other point that I want to make is this... why the hell didn't Naruto try to practice something like this before? Why the hell would there be such information at the reach of anyone that might want to get an edge over the hidden leaf village? Information can kill nations and this is sitting freely for the grabs. Might want to obfuscate the title of the book a little, this sounds way to direct to be on a book, maybe a scroll?
11) His control is absolutely awful, he can't muster up the control (4, extra) to do anything of the sort at this stage with chakra burns being something directly out of fanon, it is possible for it to happen when Naruto was learning the Rasengan (Spiralling Sphere), but only because of the friction originated. Chakra is benign and almost harmless to the person using it when the control is all over the place, it only becomes dangerous when you are going for precision... OR you waste all of it and end up dead.
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WAIT FOR MORE, I'LL EDIT LATER.
1) This, we are not Japanese and the use of this can cut the flow of the text. Use "Clone Technique".
2) While Lee's and Guy's clothing is a jumpsuit, Naruto's is not. It's a tracksuit, or pants and jacket.
3) The same thing as with the first (1) point, "Shadow Clone Technique". Might want to know the little fact that even though they appear to be shouted in the anime, they aren't, it's like in the manga which just indicates what the technique is while they are performing it.
4) Try giving a scene to this, you are telling a lot without showing us what the hell happened... you could also skip it altogether, the last scene made clear what was going on; but that would run into the issue of the people that don't know Naruto might also get confused with what the problem is and why this seems to be the key to solving it.
Extra: The problem with the distribution of chakra for Naruto in the start of the series wasn't that he had a lot of chakras, even though it contributed to the problem, it was that his control was so abysmal that he couldn't even spread it to his clone correctly. The shadow clone technique is almost perfectly tailored to bypass this, it divides his pool evenly between every one of the clones that he creates.
5) The relationship between the two is not that close, while Naruto likes to be in the presence of the Third Fire Shadow because of a very distinct lack of the ordinary indifference or the rarer hate, and he is someone that he can look up to; they can be seen more as friendly acquaintances, which is an improvement.
Sarutobi has a soft spot for Naruto, that is undeniable, but he is also a great political piece that has to be anchored to the leaf and a little kindness from time to time is free and won't harm anyone, which from what can be inferred from the series was not that often, the leader of a military post like this can't be seen doing this often to the same target. Remember that this is an old man... a ninja old man... a ninja old man that survived two world wars AND is reknown as the God of Shinobi and The Professor, in a world where you are lucky to reach thirty!
6) His response is too agitated to be in-character with the person we see at the start of the series, this here is one of the signs that you will try to make everyone stop and gawk at THE MARVELOUS NARUTO UZUMAKI AND HIS SUPER TECHNIQUE!1, please try to restrain that desire to make everyone think of this as something unique and make it more in line with something that is unusual or expected out of him since he has a giant chakra battery in the seal on his stomach.
7) He acts as the stereotype of a wise grandfather, this means that he should have delivered the first part of this news with a calm air and a scolding demeanor, saying the second in an almost resigned tone.
8) Funny, but the part about talking to the statue could be seen by anyone that is out to observe or overhear the activities of the leader of this military post, he should be aware of this and accordingly kept quiet over the fact he just blurted out, not to mention that you could have just made him stop at "seeing it once" and let a silence stretch out, something like amusement crossing his features might be more appropriate too since for him that kind of thing might just be a parlor trick. Remember that he mastered every. SINGLE! THING!!! Every art that was conceived by ninjas is known and mastered by him.
9) Like said in the fifth (5) point, he was almost universally ignored and only actively hated by a very small portion of the village. What we see in the anime and manga is that small portion. It is credible that he was denied access, but try not to exaggerate those parts.
10) While the part about Mikoto is believable, try to flesh out the interactions.
The other point that I want to make is this... why the hell didn't Naruto try to practice something like this before? Why the hell would there be such information at the reach of anyone that might want to get an edge over the hidden leaf village? Information can kill nations and this is sitting freely for the grabs. Might want to obfuscate the title of the book a little, this sounds way to direct to be on a book, maybe a scroll?
11) His control is absolutely awful, he can't muster up the control (4, extra) to do anything of the sort at this stage with chakra burns being something directly out of fanon, it is possible for it to happen when Naruto was learning the Rasengan (Spiralling Sphere), but only because of the friction generated. Chakra is benign and almost harmless to the person using it when the control is all over the place, it only becomes dangerous when you are going for precision... OR you waste all of it and end up dead.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
WAIT FOR MORE, I'LL EDIT LATER.
Just a quick note, the Uchiha massacre will still happen. That's all I'll say on the matter. Also, Naruto is not a genius. He is simply more socially aware, and able to make "connections" a little easier.
A/N: a new poll will be up soon to decide what the other three weapons Naruto will carry around are.