Chapter 65 - Tactical Opportunities
BakaSmurf
Only Human, After All
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Chapter 65 - Tactical Opportunities
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Ingrid, regardless of her intense aggravation with Joe's ongoing and increasingly typical brand of particular bullshittery, marched up to his desk, brusquely depositing the rifle case she'd been carrying into it with a huff.
"Matters of your persistent lack of forethought aside," the CEO began with no small measure of annoyance, "It is good to see that the operation was clearly a…" She turned aside to take in the sight of Pioneer, eyes tracking over the group with transparent reverence. "Success."
Indeed, all but one of the legendary Grimms were present—only Sleeping Beauty, Dorothy, was missing. The Nikkes that humanity as a whole owed their continued collective existence to. The most important warriors and heroes to have ever lived.
All of whom were clad in little more than what looked like borrowed gym wear, and the Commander's own ill-fitting clothes. By all accounts, they looked the part of a gaggle of teenagers in the midst of a sleepover, rather than unstoppable living legends.
…And Snow White's cheeks were puffed out from having a mouthful of something, with Scarlet being visibly drunk, given the heavy blush on her cheeks, her unfocused expression, and the way she swayed in place even while seated.
Elysion's CEO did not know how to even begin to process the absurd sight. So, she opted to ignore it and focus on Pholus. "I hope there was a purpose behind bringing Pioneer into the Outpost, and that you weren't acting entirely off of pure id." She blinked, rubbing her chin as something seemed to cross her mind.
"Also, after some discussion, it's been agreed upon that the Outpost should probably receive a proper name, given that it's rapidly looking to develop into a small town in its own right. Doubly so with the interest many Nikkes have been expressing in it lately."
While Joe wanted to take offence at the implication that he had a tendency to not think his actions through… Well, he had a tendency to not think his actions through, and so, passing the rifle case but a curious glance, he adjusted his position in his seat and set his soda can aside as he replied.
"Duly noted in regards to giving the Outpost a proper name. That aside: you previously altered existing records to make it seem like I was always endorsed by Elysion to keep the likes of Syuen off of my back," the Commander started as Pioneer looked warily between the two. "Could you do the same for the girls to make them an Elysion Black Ops squad, to discourage anyone from digging into their presence in the Outpost?"
Ingrid's response to that was immediate. "I could, but, frankly speaking, I have severe doubts about granting them any kind of excuse to set foot inside of the Ark given how increasingly brazen you've demonstrated yourself to be." Immediate, and more than a little scathing.
At that, Joe pinched the bridge of his nose, letting out a heavy sigh as he bit down on his bottom lip in frustration.
"The Commander assured us that the Outpost is a haven, bereft of Ark monitoring, and staffed by naught but Nikkes who answer only to him," Scarlet piped up, her expression sobering up somewhat as she critically gazed upon Ingrid.
She continued on without missing a beat.
"We hath also discussed at great length the fact that any of us setting foot within the Ark, regardless of the cause, would be the epitome of suicidal. Whatever thine impressions of us are, we have survived conditions which demand nothing less than peak performance, and a keen intellect, for a hundred years."
"None here would be fallow of intellect enough to so much as approach the elevator to the Ark, without having had multiple layers of confirmation given to us beforehand," Scarlet pointedly finished.
"We aren't stupid," Snow White—who had a towel loosely secured in place over her shoulders by a hair clamp like a cloak—after swallowing her mouthful of food, curtly summed up Scarlet's counterpoint. "And we were told that the Outpost was made wholly secure by the Commander's allies. Were we misinformed?"
Ingrid turned to face Pioneer, her expression shifting to be somewhat uncertain. After a few moments of consideration, she replied with a notable lack of the intensity with which she addressed Joe.
"The Outpost is as safe and free from the CG's oversight as it possibly can be, all things considered," the CEO stated. "And I meant no disrespect to Pioneer, but Cmdr. Pholus has repeatedly demonstrated a tendency to behave without the foresight he should have given his status as the Legendary Commander."
It was Cinderella replied to that assertion. "So you're criticizing him for not having a strategic mindset that he never had, even in the midst of the Initial Rapture Invasion?"
The silverette—with her now-dry hair worn in her typical twintails and garbed in nothing but one of Joe's spare t-shirts—added on, levelling a firm stare Ingrid's way.
"Joe's told us about the missions he's been sent on, and the preparation and support—or consistent lack thereof—he's been provided for all of them. He's a tactician. His skill set has always laid in on-the-spot improvisation and making snap judgments while under pressure. He always had Lilith, or my father to provide intelligence and form long-term strategies to work towards before deployments."
The platinum-haired beauty noted the role Andersen apparently should have been filling very pointedly.
"From what we've been told, and as Rapi has affirmed, every time he's been deployed from the Ark, it's been with little to no actual information or directives beyond 'get it done.'"
"It isn't his fault if those who should be providing him adequate support and intelligence have been falling woefully short, putting undue pressure on him whose increasingly negative effects should be readily apparent and wholly expected."
Even Rapunzel—with a towel loosely draped over her crown as though it were a colourful, improvised nun's habit—joined in on playing defence for Joe, her lips lightly down-turning as she produced the closest thing to a frown she seemed to be capable of.
"The expectations placed on him in the midst of the IRI were somehow significantly less unreasonable than those of the modern day, considering how he's been offered so remarkably little to accomplish his goals recently. Even when made to go up against the likes of Tyrants, which we would never have allowed him to so much as approach without a Hoplon…"
Rapunzel paused, before finishing pointedly:
"And he never would have been knowingly deployed against something like Chatterbox without being informed of the danger he was approaching in the first place."
Snow White crossed her arms, brow furrowing as she added on: "And the one time Andersen was actually directly involved in the planning for an operation, Joe was deliberately lied to and misled as to the objective of the mission, leading to the necessity of altering the plan to account for him and Rapi being exponentially more competent than the Ark, meaning you, were willing to give them credit for."
There was a long pause, in which Ingrid looked more than a little bushwhacked.
After a fairly pregnant pause, she cleared her throat, and noted: "...I actually directly questioned the wisdom of expecting the Legendary Commander to not pull a miracle out of his ass when deploying on that mission, but Andersen would have known better than me, or so I thought…"
There was another significant beat, which was punctuated by Cinderella glaring at the smug little Andersen plushie set before her next to the chibi depiction of herself, on the coffee table she was seated at on the floor. She ultimately reached out and lightly punched the doll with a displeased huff. The little Andersen looked quite sad, now splayed out on its back like that.
At any rate, Joe was left awkwardly gazing about sheepishly. He had not been expecting to have the girls be so quick to rush to his defence, outwardly criticizing Ingrid like that. Granted, it felt… Incorrect, to him. It made him uncomfortable.
Rapi seemed to notice, shifting to stand closer to the man. Cinderella too noticed, her expression taking on a tinge of self-recriminating, envious longing at the sight of Rapi's physical closeness to the Commander.
Regardless of Cinderella's thoughts, Rapi spoke up next without any concern paid to the silverette. "I must admit, based on what few memories have returned to me of the IRI… The Ark's penchant for strategic and tactical considerations is… Woeful, respectfully, ma'am."
Though Rapi had said 'respectfully' in order to ensure that her words were… Respectful, Ingrid looked utterly aghast at her subordinate's assessment. "...Even Elysion?" She asked, uncharacteristically wary.
"...Yes," Rapi flatly replied, averting her gaze as she did so.
Ingrid looked like she'd just stepped on a nail, gritting her teeth near hard enough to crack a tooth as she sharply sucked in a lungful of air with a harsh hiss. "But our tactical acumen… It's second to none…!" She stage-whispered aloud.
"Resting at the top of a pile of rancid trash is no feat to be proud of," Snow White mercilessly declared in response.
Ingrid looked as though she'd been shot in the heart, actually needing to plant a hand on the Commander's desk to steady herself.
The girls, at least, seemed willing to relent, the suite growing silent, cyberpunk ambience aside, as Joe contemplated the newfound awkwardness.
Only briefly, however, before he decided that it would be best to keep the ball rolling on track. "So you won't modify Elysion's records to legitimize Pioneer's presence in the Outpost?" The man inquired.
It took Ingrid a few moments of wavering in place before she responded, audibly pained. "...They would be assigned an Elysion-specific squad name, and understand that they are never to set foot in the Ark proper unless cleared to do so by myself, Mustang, and Andersen, simultaneously and without exception. Am I understood?"
"Of course," Joe answered plainly, not noticing how the girls had all perked up at the mention of Mustang's name.
"They will always, and without exception, refuse to answer questions asked of them by anyone not a part of the conspiracy," Ingrid continued, recovering fully and crossing her arms beneath her chest. "To the point of being openly hostile if pressed. Elysion black operatives do not tolerate attempted interference from anyone. Even the CG understands that our toes are not to be stepped on, in certain regards."
"That sounds perfectly doable," Snow White declared matter-of-factually.
"They may need to also be deployed on missions apart from yourself, Pholus," Ingrid added, though she was obviously addressing everyone in the room. "If I'm obviously playing favourites and giving you exclusive command to a Black Ops unit that otherwise does little beyond mill about the Outpost, it will draw undue attention we do not need."
While Pioneer looked ready to collectively protest, it was Joe that spoke up. "It goes without saying that we can't have them accompany us on every single, or even most CG-assigned operations," he noted as he crossed his arms with a slow nod. "That would be like if Absolute suddenly did nothing besides deploy alongside Counters. Everybody would notice, and get understandably suspicious."
"It would be worse," Ingrid declared rather forcefully. "Absolute has a track record that, even if it can't be discussed openly or in any degree of meaningful detail, is known to exist. Pioneer? A 'new' Elysion Black Ops unit, that nobody outside of Elysion can attest to the previous existence of, has not appeared anywhere before suddenly showing up and working under the brand new rising star Commander of the Outpost, who also doesn't actually have a verifiable past anyone outside of Elysion can affirm?"
Closing her eyes and shaking her head lightly, the white-clad woman's wavy chocolate brown locks swayed about her sharp features.
"The most I can do most of the time is grant an allowance to call upon them in emergencies ala Absolute during the mission to hunt down Chatterbox. And even then, it would have to be in a staggered manner: Pioneer some deployments, Absolute other deployments, depending on either squad's availability. There can be no allowance for brute force on this matter which may reveal to the CG your true identities."
Pioneer, collectively, looked as though they'd bit down on one Hell of a batch of lemons. At once, the girls were all clenching and unclenching their hands, fidgeting in place in open discomfort. The reason why was obvious: not one of them wanted to tolerate the notion of Joe and Rapi going out into the field without them. But they weren't in the midst of the Initial Rapture Invasion anymore, and in fact, they were all technically fugitives that would be targeted the moment they slipped up and suddenly everyone knew who they really were.
"That will have to do, for now," Joe declared as he leaned forward in his seat, uncrossing his arms to rest his elbows on his knees and rest his chin upon his knuckles—a position which seemed to catch Cinderella's interest for some reason.
Otherwise… The mention of Chatterbox twigged something in Joe's head, and he found his brow furrowing heavily in deep consideration. Was he forgetting something regarding that? He couldn't-
"Fuck!" He suddenly jumped in his seat, which caused everyone to go on-edge. "Wardress!"
"Wardress?" Ingrid fixed the brunet with an intense stare. "The two-woman squad that accompanied Counters to hunt down Chatterbox in Vancouver? Syuen's little pet project... What about them?" She inquired, even as Pioneer, Snow White in particular, had their interest visibly piqued.
Joe took a moment to grit his teeth and calm himself—Christ, he'd completely forgotten… "Yuni and Mihara, Syuen abuses them, to the point that even though they heard enough about what Chatterbox said about Rapi being Red Hood-" Pioneer suddenly looked very pointedly concerned, to say nothing of Rapi herself, "they agreed to say nothing to Syuen or anyone else, so long as I myself didn't tell anyone-" Joe paused, considering if he actually should…
"If you didn't tell anyone what, Pholus?" Ingrid inquired, her eyes narrowing as she focused heavily on him. "Remember that the Command Centre and Outpost as a whole is clean of listening devices. Nothing that's said here leaves this building so long as nobody talks outside of it."
…Yeah, fuck it. "Yuni was able to blind Chatterbox by simply pointing at the thing," Joe declared, which very clearly piqued Ingrid and everyone else's attention in a big way. "So long as she maintained her focus, kept her finger firmly locked on it, Chatterbox's eyes just flat-out stopped working. I'm given to understand that isn't normal for a Nikke."
"It is not," Ingrid declared as she turned fully towards Joe, immediately leaning over the desk and planting her palms on the surface with a keen interest. "In fact, that sounds rather like the modern-day Grimms experiments that Elysion and Tetra Line have also been performing to grant decidedly unusual special abilities to select, high-performance Nikkes."
"What!?" Pioneer collectively jumped in place themselves—with Snow White actually leaping to her feet outright. "The Ark has produced more Grimms in the modern day?"
At that, Ingrid openly snorted derisively. "Hardly. They can do things other Nikkes cannot, but their baseline performance rarely exceeds that of typical specialist Nikkes. We do our damn best to push the envelope, but…" the CEO growled outright, letting her frustration show openly. "It's a miracle we've managed what little we have, as it is."
Regardless, she turned to Joe again.
"Why are you bringing them up in the first place, regardless?"
Joe was quick to answer. "Because I wanted to find out if it would be possible to have them transferred to Counters."
While Rapi looked somewhat put-off by the notion, Ingrid just scoffed. "Good luck with that," the violet-eyed woman declared. "If Yuni is actually a modern Grimms prototype, Syuen will never so much as consider loosening her grip on their leash. Just as Mustang would never surrender Alice to myself or Syuen, and I would never surrender… Any of my specialists to them."
Again, Pioneer visibly reacted to the mention of Mustang's name, though it had gone unnoticed by Joe and Ingrid.
"She abuses them though," Joe countered pointedly, rising to his feet as he fixed his own gaze on Ingrid. "Mihara told me outright: it's the reason she was willing to cut a deal and not tell Syuen what they'd seen or heard about Rapi and Snow White. They aren't loyal to the little twerp, and clearly aren't happy working for her."
He needed to get Ingrid in on the idea of poaching Wardress from Missilis… Perhaps…
"My mind trembles at the sheer breadth of tactical applications that would grant us," the man declared damn near boisterously, and, notably, Ingrid's eyes lit up, damn near metaphorically burst into flames at the mention of the word 'tactical.' "We've already seen that Yuni's ability works on Tyrants, Chatterbox had to determine that it was her doing it specifically before it knew to fling attacks in her general direction to break her focus. If it works on something as powerful as a Tyrant… Well, what if it would also work on a Heretic?"
At that, Ingrid outright bit down on her nail through her ivory-white gauntlet like a dog might a bone, her pupils darting about as her mind visibly started overclocking. "The tactical applications… The tactical avenues it would open up…! The tactical opportunities…! The tactics…!"
She trailed off, the fervency in her voice rising despite her volume noticeably decreasing to a whisper with each utterance—which was starkly noticeable, given that otherwise, Ingrid had no indoor voice and was always shouting.
"...Tactics…!" She finished with a breathy whisper just barely on the edge of hearing.
Weird, but, okay, it seemed to be motivating her to seriously think about the notion, if nothing else.
The woman clenched her eyes shut, and after a few moments of consideration, she replied: "I seriously doubt I'll be able to produce a miracle, but I'll put in a request on your behalf, and probably get into an argument with the little shit over it. Just don't expect anything to come of it."
Well, that… Yeah, Joe didn't like the idea of leaving Yuni and Mihara with someone that was literally using them as punching bags, but, if they couldn't swing it, then they couldn't swing it. "I appreciate that you'll try, regardless."
"That's about all I can promise," Ingrid declared before looking over Pioneer, giving the ancient squad a particular look of appraisal. "I'll let the Commander know as soon as all the paperwork has been fabricated to point to you all as being an…"
Her gaze drifted to, and visibly hung on Cinderella and Rapunzel in particular for a few moments before continuing.
"...Inter-Manufacturer Black Ops squad—because nobody would believe that anyone other than Tetra Line would produce Nikkes that look like you two. It'll take me a bit, given that additional wrinkle, but it'll get done."
"...I'm not sure if I should be offended or not…" Rapunzel noted, brows furrowing and lips down curling somewhat at her and Cinderella's having been singled out. "What is that supposed to mean? That we have to have been made by Tetra Line?"
Rapi averted her gaze sharply, suddenly finding an empty soda can sitting on Joe's desk to be remarkably interesting. Snow White grimaced and acted like she didn't hear what was being said, and Scarlet was suddenly a lot more tipsy than she was before, conveniently too much to be able to be relied upon to explain much of anything.
Joe, meanwhile, did his level best to not respond to having attention indirectly called to Cinderella and Rapunzel's figures by looking. Meaning that suddenly, Ingrid was the only one that was actually looking directly at the two.
Which, unfortunately, meant that it was Ingrid that elaborated on the matter to Rapunzel. "Your figures, mode of dress, and the way you present yourselves is far more unnecessarily glamorous and obscene than what would typically be found in the average Elysion Nikke," the professionally-clad woman declared with all the bluntness of a bull moose.
The poor nun, at that, suddenly seemed to spontaneously develop the ability to use Exceed herself, given how her cheeks took on the same glowing hue that Rapi's hair did when she activated her own super mode. "I-I-I-I'm not 'obscene!'"
Rapunzel protested in a high-pitched squeal as she jumped in place to cup her cheeks in scandalized horror, the act causing her massive and presently unsupported chest to jiggle about so violently as to nearly break Joe's neck with the sudden, onset gravitational pull the motion the two borderline celestial objects had nearly produced.
"I-I'm a good, well-behaved and conservatively dressed girl! M-my outfit doesn't even show any bare skin below the neck! How is that obscene!?"
Joe pointedly did not note that Rapunzel's full-coverage outfit was a skin-tight body glove that hugged and emphasized every single one of her absurd curves, leaving damn near nothing to the imagination, in so doing. The poor woman, she didn't understand…
Cinderella, meanwhile, only took on a slightly reproachful expression. "'Obscene' is not the term I would use," she said calmly, flicking her hair with a hand for effect as she did so.
"I am simply emphasizing my natural beauty for all to see: for beauty is something that all should appreciate in all of its forms. Rapunzel, clearly, is doing the same, and why should she not? A woman's beauty is something that is adored and appreciated by all, and we shine so brightly as resplendent Goddesses, even just our presence serving as a balm to weary souls in terrible need of any and all forms of comfort they may receive…"
She looked to the Commander, an expectant, somewhat presumptive little grin finding purchase on her features as she did so. "Isn't that correct, Joe?" She sweetly asked as she arched her back in such a way as to emphasize her own chest which rivalled Rapunzel's, despite being clad in nothing but one of the man's own oversized shirts-
Joe tore his gaze back upwards with a mortified grimace as he realized he'd just dead-ass and rather openly looked.
However, Cinderella only looked smugly satisfied to have caught Joe looking. She put on that grin—that fucking grin—the one she'd inherited from her father, the one that just shattered one's defences as ruinously as her beatific, earnest smile would.
Hadn't she just recoiled and made a point to avoid invading his personal space the night prior? Joe wasn't sure what to think of that—unless she was just doing that thing she usually did where she wanted praise from anybody for her looks?
Regardless, as Snow White rolled her eyes at the display, Joe rather quickly and forcefully planted his ass back in his seat, coughing repeatedly into his fist as he did his best to not let his intense embarrassment show—quite unlike a poor, crying Rapunzel that had hid her face beneath the towel she'd previously had laid over her head not unlike her typical habit.
Cinderella's smug expression only intensified at that, even as Rapi's own intensely dissatisfied expression went unnoticed at large.
Ingrid, all the while, just gave the entire group a heavily lidded look, eventually rolling her eyes in turn as she turned aside to face Joe properly once more.
"At any rate, Pholus," she slapped the rifle case to call attention to it. "The rifle you brought back from the Yukon. I had it inspected, maintained, and treated to be capable of handling a far hotter load than was typical of such ancient-pattern firearms. Additionally: owing to the eclectic variation in Wildcat cartridges produced by Tetra Line, I was able to procure several boxes of reproduction, high-powered .30-30 cartridges for it."
Joe blinked, paused, looked at the rifle case, then around the room… What the fuck, he hadn't even noticed that the old lever-action rifle was missing. Holy shit, talk about missing a spot check. When had she even taken it from him!?
Leaning back up, Ingrid set her hand on her hip as she continued. "First and foremost: this rifle is a non-functioning replica, and nothing more. Never, under any circumstances, admit to the CG that you have a non-biometrically locked and untracked firearm. They don't tend to appreciate it when a weapon they can't control exists anywhere near the Ark. Understood?"
The Commander gave the rifle case a serious look, decidedly caught off-guard by the entire notion, but one thing in particular stuck out to him. "It's been 'treated' to 'handle' hotter-than-normal loads?" He inquired.
"With the same process we use to reinforce conventional firearms used by Nikkes," Ingrid answered with a nod. "Of course, even with that treatment applied to it, it absolutely could not handle a true Nikke-grade cartridge without exploding, given that it isn't built from Goddessium, but it'll be far more powerful than it ever had been historically, with no cosmetic changes to speak of… Besides the addition of muzzle threads, at least. There's a powerful muzzle brake and a heavy-duty suppressor included in the case, incidentally."
Ingrid shrugged.
"Do what you will with it, just, again, never let anyone that works for the CG know that you have a functioning firearm that lacks a biometric lock. Understood?"
…Did Ingrid… Holy shit, she just gave him an emergency trump card, didn't she? Something he could grab in case of an emergency, rather than being completely helpless.
"Understood," he answered, getting the point she was non-verbally making.
"Good," the CEO declared with a nod. "Additionally: while you were gone, the Outpost's Armoury was finished, and your personal high-mobility tactical exoskeleton was delivered to it. Inspect it yourself whenever you see fit, though it should be good for deployment whenever you next go on a surface excursion."
His.
What.
"Don't ever call attention to the Hoplite input it has either," Ingrid added pointedly, shifting her balance where she stood. "...Additionally," her gaze drifted over to First Affection, Marian's submachine gun, resting on the wall over Joe's desk as it was. "Nikke firearms are, obviously, biometrically locked, and would be impossible for a human to use safely even if the lock was defeated by an exceptionally skilled engineer anyways."
She made that declaration while pointedly not looking in Snow White's direction.
"An unaugmented human would require an exoskeleton that had been built, or modified to be capable of better handling the recoil of a weapon meant for Nikkes, and any such weapon itself would likely have to be altered as well to tame its recoil on top of that to minimize strain on the exoskeleton and operator just the same. Such developments would be absurd, and unreasonable given how human soldiers are so terribly unsurvivable against Raptures, regardless of how well they're armed."
The violet-eyed CEO shrugged, still making a point to not so much as glance at Snow White.
"Not that it would matter regardless. Even with extensive modifications and heavy-duty equipment to allow for it, a human would only realistically be capable of handling a pistol-calibre Nikke-grade firearm in semi-auto, at most, anyways. The tactical applications of that would be limited to, what, emergency situations?"
"Nothing the CG would be willing to waste resources on, given how unlikely it is for the average Commander to be put in a situation wherein they wouldn't be just relying on the Nikkes under their command anyways. Especially considering that no Commander would have the acumen to suggest they'd be able to meaningfully or intelligently contribute to combat situations regardless."
Joe just stared at Ingrid in silence as he was forced to contemplate the implications, the woman returning his gaze as Snow White's eyes were quietly locked onto the side of her head.
After a few beats, Ingrid continued. "So, with all of those disclaimers and warnings out of the way… I'll inform you as soon as Elysion's new Inter-Manufacturer squad is ready for deployment, and I'll be damn sure that Andersen knows that he is the one that will handle the next inevitable briefing you'll need."
Cinderella's breath hitched in her throat, and she reached over to gingerly pick up the little plush doll of her father, bringing it to a gentle hug against her chest in sharp contrast to how she'd smacked it in retribution for his poor conduct towards Joe earlier.
A firm reminder that, despite her protests to the contrary, she ultimately was her father's daughter.
"Until next time, Commander." At that, Ingrid about-faced and moved for the hallway door, her stark white and red-accented greatcoat whipping around her frame as she marched. Though, she stopped at the threshold, halting and holding her position before she turned back around, this time to face Pioneer, sparing a glance Rapi's way as well, before… She simply, sharply saluted with a reverent declaration of: "Thank you for your service."
There was yet another long pause, none of the girls seeming to have seen that coming.
Not that it seemed to bother Ingrid, who, after holding the salute for a few moments, spun on her heel and continued on her way with no further aplomb, leaving the group as she proceeded back on to the Ark to handle everything that had been set on her plate without complaint.
After a long, pregnant pause, Joe's attention was grabbed by his having noticed Snow White's golden oculars being focused squarely on him. When he returned her look, her stare momentarily shifted to First Affection, hanging on the firearm for a few moments before once more meeting the man's gaze.
With a small, gremlin-esque mounting smile, Snow White declared to Joe in a deliberately, exaggeratedly dry tone: "Now I have a machine gun."
"Ho-ho-ho."
Chapter 65 - Tactical Opportunities
===
Ingrid, regardless of her intense aggravation with Joe's ongoing and increasingly typical brand of particular bullshittery, marched up to his desk, brusquely depositing the rifle case she'd been carrying into it with a huff.
"Matters of your persistent lack of forethought aside," the CEO began with no small measure of annoyance, "It is good to see that the operation was clearly a…" She turned aside to take in the sight of Pioneer, eyes tracking over the group with transparent reverence. "Success."
Indeed, all but one of the legendary Grimms were present—only Sleeping Beauty, Dorothy, was missing. The Nikkes that humanity as a whole owed their continued collective existence to. The most important warriors and heroes to have ever lived.
All of whom were clad in little more than what looked like borrowed gym wear, and the Commander's own ill-fitting clothes. By all accounts, they looked the part of a gaggle of teenagers in the midst of a sleepover, rather than unstoppable living legends.
…And Snow White's cheeks were puffed out from having a mouthful of something, with Scarlet being visibly drunk, given the heavy blush on her cheeks, her unfocused expression, and the way she swayed in place even while seated.
Elysion's CEO did not know how to even begin to process the absurd sight. So, she opted to ignore it and focus on Pholus. "I hope there was a purpose behind bringing Pioneer into the Outpost, and that you weren't acting entirely off of pure id." She blinked, rubbing her chin as something seemed to cross her mind.
"Also, after some discussion, it's been agreed upon that the Outpost should probably receive a proper name, given that it's rapidly looking to develop into a small town in its own right. Doubly so with the interest many Nikkes have been expressing in it lately."
While Joe wanted to take offence at the implication that he had a tendency to not think his actions through… Well, he had a tendency to not think his actions through, and so, passing the rifle case but a curious glance, he adjusted his position in his seat and set his soda can aside as he replied.
"Duly noted in regards to giving the Outpost a proper name. That aside: you previously altered existing records to make it seem like I was always endorsed by Elysion to keep the likes of Syuen off of my back," the Commander started as Pioneer looked warily between the two. "Could you do the same for the girls to make them an Elysion Black Ops squad, to discourage anyone from digging into their presence in the Outpost?"
Ingrid's response to that was immediate. "I could, but, frankly speaking, I have severe doubts about granting them any kind of excuse to set foot inside of the Ark given how increasingly brazen you've demonstrated yourself to be." Immediate, and more than a little scathing.
At that, Joe pinched the bridge of his nose, letting out a heavy sigh as he bit down on his bottom lip in frustration.
"The Commander assured us that the Outpost is a haven, bereft of Ark monitoring, and staffed by naught but Nikkes who answer only to him," Scarlet piped up, her expression sobering up somewhat as she critically gazed upon Ingrid.
She continued on without missing a beat.
"We hath also discussed at great length the fact that any of us setting foot within the Ark, regardless of the cause, would be the epitome of suicidal. Whatever thine impressions of us are, we have survived conditions which demand nothing less than peak performance, and a keen intellect, for a hundred years."
"None here would be fallow of intellect enough to so much as approach the elevator to the Ark, without having had multiple layers of confirmation given to us beforehand," Scarlet pointedly finished.
"We aren't stupid," Snow White—who had a towel loosely secured in place over her shoulders by a hair clamp like a cloak—after swallowing her mouthful of food, curtly summed up Scarlet's counterpoint. "And we were told that the Outpost was made wholly secure by the Commander's allies. Were we misinformed?"
Ingrid turned to face Pioneer, her expression shifting to be somewhat uncertain. After a few moments of consideration, she replied with a notable lack of the intensity with which she addressed Joe.
"The Outpost is as safe and free from the CG's oversight as it possibly can be, all things considered," the CEO stated. "And I meant no disrespect to Pioneer, but Cmdr. Pholus has repeatedly demonstrated a tendency to behave without the foresight he should have given his status as the Legendary Commander."
It was Cinderella replied to that assertion. "So you're criticizing him for not having a strategic mindset that he never had, even in the midst of the Initial Rapture Invasion?"
The silverette—with her now-dry hair worn in her typical twintails and garbed in nothing but one of Joe's spare t-shirts—added on, levelling a firm stare Ingrid's way.
"Joe's told us about the missions he's been sent on, and the preparation and support—or consistent lack thereof—he's been provided for all of them. He's a tactician. His skill set has always laid in on-the-spot improvisation and making snap judgments while under pressure. He always had Lilith, or my father to provide intelligence and form long-term strategies to work towards before deployments."
The platinum-haired beauty noted the role Andersen apparently should have been filling very pointedly.
"From what we've been told, and as Rapi has affirmed, every time he's been deployed from the Ark, it's been with little to no actual information or directives beyond 'get it done.'"
"It isn't his fault if those who should be providing him adequate support and intelligence have been falling woefully short, putting undue pressure on him whose increasingly negative effects should be readily apparent and wholly expected."
Even Rapunzel—with a towel loosely draped over her crown as though it were a colourful, improvised nun's habit—joined in on playing defence for Joe, her lips lightly down-turning as she produced the closest thing to a frown she seemed to be capable of.
"The expectations placed on him in the midst of the IRI were somehow significantly less unreasonable than those of the modern day, considering how he's been offered so remarkably little to accomplish his goals recently. Even when made to go up against the likes of Tyrants, which we would never have allowed him to so much as approach without a Hoplon…"
Rapunzel paused, before finishing pointedly:
"And he never would have been knowingly deployed against something like Chatterbox without being informed of the danger he was approaching in the first place."
Snow White crossed her arms, brow furrowing as she added on: "And the one time Andersen was actually directly involved in the planning for an operation, Joe was deliberately lied to and misled as to the objective of the mission, leading to the necessity of altering the plan to account for him and Rapi being exponentially more competent than the Ark, meaning you, were willing to give them credit for."
There was a long pause, in which Ingrid looked more than a little bushwhacked.
After a fairly pregnant pause, she cleared her throat, and noted: "...I actually directly questioned the wisdom of expecting the Legendary Commander to not pull a miracle out of his ass when deploying on that mission, but Andersen would have known better than me, or so I thought…"
There was another significant beat, which was punctuated by Cinderella glaring at the smug little Andersen plushie set before her next to the chibi depiction of herself, on the coffee table she was seated at on the floor. She ultimately reached out and lightly punched the doll with a displeased huff. The little Andersen looked quite sad, now splayed out on its back like that.
At any rate, Joe was left awkwardly gazing about sheepishly. He had not been expecting to have the girls be so quick to rush to his defence, outwardly criticizing Ingrid like that. Granted, it felt… Incorrect, to him. It made him uncomfortable.
Rapi seemed to notice, shifting to stand closer to the man. Cinderella too noticed, her expression taking on a tinge of self-recriminating, envious longing at the sight of Rapi's physical closeness to the Commander.
Regardless of Cinderella's thoughts, Rapi spoke up next without any concern paid to the silverette. "I must admit, based on what few memories have returned to me of the IRI… The Ark's penchant for strategic and tactical considerations is… Woeful, respectfully, ma'am."
Though Rapi had said 'respectfully' in order to ensure that her words were… Respectful, Ingrid looked utterly aghast at her subordinate's assessment. "...Even Elysion?" She asked, uncharacteristically wary.
"...Yes," Rapi flatly replied, averting her gaze as she did so.
Ingrid looked like she'd just stepped on a nail, gritting her teeth near hard enough to crack a tooth as she sharply sucked in a lungful of air with a harsh hiss. "But our tactical acumen… It's second to none…!" She stage-whispered aloud.
"Resting at the top of a pile of rancid trash is no feat to be proud of," Snow White mercilessly declared in response.
Ingrid looked as though she'd been shot in the heart, actually needing to plant a hand on the Commander's desk to steady herself.
The girls, at least, seemed willing to relent, the suite growing silent, cyberpunk ambience aside, as Joe contemplated the newfound awkwardness.
Only briefly, however, before he decided that it would be best to keep the ball rolling on track. "So you won't modify Elysion's records to legitimize Pioneer's presence in the Outpost?" The man inquired.
It took Ingrid a few moments of wavering in place before she responded, audibly pained. "...They would be assigned an Elysion-specific squad name, and understand that they are never to set foot in the Ark proper unless cleared to do so by myself, Mustang, and Andersen, simultaneously and without exception. Am I understood?"
"Of course," Joe answered plainly, not noticing how the girls had all perked up at the mention of Mustang's name.
"They will always, and without exception, refuse to answer questions asked of them by anyone not a part of the conspiracy," Ingrid continued, recovering fully and crossing her arms beneath her chest. "To the point of being openly hostile if pressed. Elysion black operatives do not tolerate attempted interference from anyone. Even the CG understands that our toes are not to be stepped on, in certain regards."
"That sounds perfectly doable," Snow White declared matter-of-factually.
"They may need to also be deployed on missions apart from yourself, Pholus," Ingrid added, though she was obviously addressing everyone in the room. "If I'm obviously playing favourites and giving you exclusive command to a Black Ops unit that otherwise does little beyond mill about the Outpost, it will draw undue attention we do not need."
While Pioneer looked ready to collectively protest, it was Joe that spoke up. "It goes without saying that we can't have them accompany us on every single, or even most CG-assigned operations," he noted as he crossed his arms with a slow nod. "That would be like if Absolute suddenly did nothing besides deploy alongside Counters. Everybody would notice, and get understandably suspicious."
"It would be worse," Ingrid declared rather forcefully. "Absolute has a track record that, even if it can't be discussed openly or in any degree of meaningful detail, is known to exist. Pioneer? A 'new' Elysion Black Ops unit, that nobody outside of Elysion can attest to the previous existence of, has not appeared anywhere before suddenly showing up and working under the brand new rising star Commander of the Outpost, who also doesn't actually have a verifiable past anyone outside of Elysion can affirm?"
Closing her eyes and shaking her head lightly, the white-clad woman's wavy chocolate brown locks swayed about her sharp features.
"The most I can do most of the time is grant an allowance to call upon them in emergencies ala Absolute during the mission to hunt down Chatterbox. And even then, it would have to be in a staggered manner: Pioneer some deployments, Absolute other deployments, depending on either squad's availability. There can be no allowance for brute force on this matter which may reveal to the CG your true identities."
Pioneer, collectively, looked as though they'd bit down on one Hell of a batch of lemons. At once, the girls were all clenching and unclenching their hands, fidgeting in place in open discomfort. The reason why was obvious: not one of them wanted to tolerate the notion of Joe and Rapi going out into the field without them. But they weren't in the midst of the Initial Rapture Invasion anymore, and in fact, they were all technically fugitives that would be targeted the moment they slipped up and suddenly everyone knew who they really were.
"That will have to do, for now," Joe declared as he leaned forward in his seat, uncrossing his arms to rest his elbows on his knees and rest his chin upon his knuckles—a position which seemed to catch Cinderella's interest for some reason.
Otherwise… The mention of Chatterbox twigged something in Joe's head, and he found his brow furrowing heavily in deep consideration. Was he forgetting something regarding that? He couldn't-
"Fuck!" He suddenly jumped in his seat, which caused everyone to go on-edge. "Wardress!"
"Wardress?" Ingrid fixed the brunet with an intense stare. "The two-woman squad that accompanied Counters to hunt down Chatterbox in Vancouver? Syuen's little pet project... What about them?" She inquired, even as Pioneer, Snow White in particular, had their interest visibly piqued.
Joe took a moment to grit his teeth and calm himself—Christ, he'd completely forgotten… "Yuni and Mihara, Syuen abuses them, to the point that even though they heard enough about what Chatterbox said about Rapi being Red Hood-" Pioneer suddenly looked very pointedly concerned, to say nothing of Rapi herself, "they agreed to say nothing to Syuen or anyone else, so long as I myself didn't tell anyone-" Joe paused, considering if he actually should…
"If you didn't tell anyone what, Pholus?" Ingrid inquired, her eyes narrowing as she focused heavily on him. "Remember that the Command Centre and Outpost as a whole is clean of listening devices. Nothing that's said here leaves this building so long as nobody talks outside of it."
…Yeah, fuck it. "Yuni was able to blind Chatterbox by simply pointing at the thing," Joe declared, which very clearly piqued Ingrid and everyone else's attention in a big way. "So long as she maintained her focus, kept her finger firmly locked on it, Chatterbox's eyes just flat-out stopped working. I'm given to understand that isn't normal for a Nikke."
"It is not," Ingrid declared as she turned fully towards Joe, immediately leaning over the desk and planting her palms on the surface with a keen interest. "In fact, that sounds rather like the modern-day Grimms experiments that Elysion and Tetra Line have also been performing to grant decidedly unusual special abilities to select, high-performance Nikkes."
"What!?" Pioneer collectively jumped in place themselves—with Snow White actually leaping to her feet outright. "The Ark has produced more Grimms in the modern day?"
At that, Ingrid openly snorted derisively. "Hardly. They can do things other Nikkes cannot, but their baseline performance rarely exceeds that of typical specialist Nikkes. We do our damn best to push the envelope, but…" the CEO growled outright, letting her frustration show openly. "It's a miracle we've managed what little we have, as it is."
Regardless, she turned to Joe again.
"Why are you bringing them up in the first place, regardless?"
Joe was quick to answer. "Because I wanted to find out if it would be possible to have them transferred to Counters."
While Rapi looked somewhat put-off by the notion, Ingrid just scoffed. "Good luck with that," the violet-eyed woman declared. "If Yuni is actually a modern Grimms prototype, Syuen will never so much as consider loosening her grip on their leash. Just as Mustang would never surrender Alice to myself or Syuen, and I would never surrender… Any of my specialists to them."
Again, Pioneer visibly reacted to the mention of Mustang's name, though it had gone unnoticed by Joe and Ingrid.
"She abuses them though," Joe countered pointedly, rising to his feet as he fixed his own gaze on Ingrid. "Mihara told me outright: it's the reason she was willing to cut a deal and not tell Syuen what they'd seen or heard about Rapi and Snow White. They aren't loyal to the little twerp, and clearly aren't happy working for her."
He needed to get Ingrid in on the idea of poaching Wardress from Missilis… Perhaps…
"My mind trembles at the sheer breadth of tactical applications that would grant us," the man declared damn near boisterously, and, notably, Ingrid's eyes lit up, damn near metaphorically burst into flames at the mention of the word 'tactical.' "We've already seen that Yuni's ability works on Tyrants, Chatterbox had to determine that it was her doing it specifically before it knew to fling attacks in her general direction to break her focus. If it works on something as powerful as a Tyrant… Well, what if it would also work on a Heretic?"
At that, Ingrid outright bit down on her nail through her ivory-white gauntlet like a dog might a bone, her pupils darting about as her mind visibly started overclocking. "The tactical applications… The tactical avenues it would open up…! The tactical opportunities…! The tactics…!"
She trailed off, the fervency in her voice rising despite her volume noticeably decreasing to a whisper with each utterance—which was starkly noticeable, given that otherwise, Ingrid had no indoor voice and was always shouting.
"...Tactics…!" She finished with a breathy whisper just barely on the edge of hearing.
Weird, but, okay, it seemed to be motivating her to seriously think about the notion, if nothing else.
The woman clenched her eyes shut, and after a few moments of consideration, she replied: "I seriously doubt I'll be able to produce a miracle, but I'll put in a request on your behalf, and probably get into an argument with the little shit over it. Just don't expect anything to come of it."
Well, that… Yeah, Joe didn't like the idea of leaving Yuni and Mihara with someone that was literally using them as punching bags, but, if they couldn't swing it, then they couldn't swing it. "I appreciate that you'll try, regardless."
"That's about all I can promise," Ingrid declared before looking over Pioneer, giving the ancient squad a particular look of appraisal. "I'll let the Commander know as soon as all the paperwork has been fabricated to point to you all as being an…"
Her gaze drifted to, and visibly hung on Cinderella and Rapunzel in particular for a few moments before continuing.
"...Inter-Manufacturer Black Ops squad—because nobody would believe that anyone other than Tetra Line would produce Nikkes that look like you two. It'll take me a bit, given that additional wrinkle, but it'll get done."
"...I'm not sure if I should be offended or not…" Rapunzel noted, brows furrowing and lips down curling somewhat at her and Cinderella's having been singled out. "What is that supposed to mean? That we have to have been made by Tetra Line?"
Rapi averted her gaze sharply, suddenly finding an empty soda can sitting on Joe's desk to be remarkably interesting. Snow White grimaced and acted like she didn't hear what was being said, and Scarlet was suddenly a lot more tipsy than she was before, conveniently too much to be able to be relied upon to explain much of anything.
Joe, meanwhile, did his level best to not respond to having attention indirectly called to Cinderella and Rapunzel's figures by looking. Meaning that suddenly, Ingrid was the only one that was actually looking directly at the two.
Which, unfortunately, meant that it was Ingrid that elaborated on the matter to Rapunzel. "Your figures, mode of dress, and the way you present yourselves is far more unnecessarily glamorous and obscene than what would typically be found in the average Elysion Nikke," the professionally-clad woman declared with all the bluntness of a bull moose.
The poor nun, at that, suddenly seemed to spontaneously develop the ability to use Exceed herself, given how her cheeks took on the same glowing hue that Rapi's hair did when she activated her own super mode. "I-I-I-I'm not 'obscene!'"
Rapunzel protested in a high-pitched squeal as she jumped in place to cup her cheeks in scandalized horror, the act causing her massive and presently unsupported chest to jiggle about so violently as to nearly break Joe's neck with the sudden, onset gravitational pull the motion the two borderline celestial objects had nearly produced.
"I-I'm a good, well-behaved and conservatively dressed girl! M-my outfit doesn't even show any bare skin below the neck! How is that obscene!?"
Joe pointedly did not note that Rapunzel's full-coverage outfit was a skin-tight body glove that hugged and emphasized every single one of her absurd curves, leaving damn near nothing to the imagination, in so doing. The poor woman, she didn't understand…
Cinderella, meanwhile, only took on a slightly reproachful expression. "'Obscene' is not the term I would use," she said calmly, flicking her hair with a hand for effect as she did so.
"I am simply emphasizing my natural beauty for all to see: for beauty is something that all should appreciate in all of its forms. Rapunzel, clearly, is doing the same, and why should she not? A woman's beauty is something that is adored and appreciated by all, and we shine so brightly as resplendent Goddesses, even just our presence serving as a balm to weary souls in terrible need of any and all forms of comfort they may receive…"
She looked to the Commander, an expectant, somewhat presumptive little grin finding purchase on her features as she did so. "Isn't that correct, Joe?" She sweetly asked as she arched her back in such a way as to emphasize her own chest which rivalled Rapunzel's, despite being clad in nothing but one of the man's own oversized shirts-
Joe tore his gaze back upwards with a mortified grimace as he realized he'd just dead-ass and rather openly looked.
However, Cinderella only looked smugly satisfied to have caught Joe looking. She put on that grin—that fucking grin—the one she'd inherited from her father, the one that just shattered one's defences as ruinously as her beatific, earnest smile would.
Hadn't she just recoiled and made a point to avoid invading his personal space the night prior? Joe wasn't sure what to think of that—unless she was just doing that thing she usually did where she wanted praise from anybody for her looks?
Regardless, as Snow White rolled her eyes at the display, Joe rather quickly and forcefully planted his ass back in his seat, coughing repeatedly into his fist as he did his best to not let his intense embarrassment show—quite unlike a poor, crying Rapunzel that had hid her face beneath the towel she'd previously had laid over her head not unlike her typical habit.
Cinderella's smug expression only intensified at that, even as Rapi's own intensely dissatisfied expression went unnoticed at large.
Ingrid, all the while, just gave the entire group a heavily lidded look, eventually rolling her eyes in turn as she turned aside to face Joe properly once more.
"At any rate, Pholus," she slapped the rifle case to call attention to it. "The rifle you brought back from the Yukon. I had it inspected, maintained, and treated to be capable of handling a far hotter load than was typical of such ancient-pattern firearms. Additionally: owing to the eclectic variation in Wildcat cartridges produced by Tetra Line, I was able to procure several boxes of reproduction, high-powered .30-30 cartridges for it."
Joe blinked, paused, looked at the rifle case, then around the room… What the fuck, he hadn't even noticed that the old lever-action rifle was missing. Holy shit, talk about missing a spot check. When had she even taken it from him!?
Leaning back up, Ingrid set her hand on her hip as she continued. "First and foremost: this rifle is a non-functioning replica, and nothing more. Never, under any circumstances, admit to the CG that you have a non-biometrically locked and untracked firearm. They don't tend to appreciate it when a weapon they can't control exists anywhere near the Ark. Understood?"
The Commander gave the rifle case a serious look, decidedly caught off-guard by the entire notion, but one thing in particular stuck out to him. "It's been 'treated' to 'handle' hotter-than-normal loads?" He inquired.
"With the same process we use to reinforce conventional firearms used by Nikkes," Ingrid answered with a nod. "Of course, even with that treatment applied to it, it absolutely could not handle a true Nikke-grade cartridge without exploding, given that it isn't built from Goddessium, but it'll be far more powerful than it ever had been historically, with no cosmetic changes to speak of… Besides the addition of muzzle threads, at least. There's a powerful muzzle brake and a heavy-duty suppressor included in the case, incidentally."
Ingrid shrugged.
"Do what you will with it, just, again, never let anyone that works for the CG know that you have a functioning firearm that lacks a biometric lock. Understood?"
…Did Ingrid… Holy shit, she just gave him an emergency trump card, didn't she? Something he could grab in case of an emergency, rather than being completely helpless.
"Understood," he answered, getting the point she was non-verbally making.
"Good," the CEO declared with a nod. "Additionally: while you were gone, the Outpost's Armoury was finished, and your personal high-mobility tactical exoskeleton was delivered to it. Inspect it yourself whenever you see fit, though it should be good for deployment whenever you next go on a surface excursion."
His.
What.
"Don't ever call attention to the Hoplite input it has either," Ingrid added pointedly, shifting her balance where she stood. "...Additionally," her gaze drifted over to First Affection, Marian's submachine gun, resting on the wall over Joe's desk as it was. "Nikke firearms are, obviously, biometrically locked, and would be impossible for a human to use safely even if the lock was defeated by an exceptionally skilled engineer anyways."
She made that declaration while pointedly not looking in Snow White's direction.
"An unaugmented human would require an exoskeleton that had been built, or modified to be capable of better handling the recoil of a weapon meant for Nikkes, and any such weapon itself would likely have to be altered as well to tame its recoil on top of that to minimize strain on the exoskeleton and operator just the same. Such developments would be absurd, and unreasonable given how human soldiers are so terribly unsurvivable against Raptures, regardless of how well they're armed."
The violet-eyed CEO shrugged, still making a point to not so much as glance at Snow White.
"Not that it would matter regardless. Even with extensive modifications and heavy-duty equipment to allow for it, a human would only realistically be capable of handling a pistol-calibre Nikke-grade firearm in semi-auto, at most, anyways. The tactical applications of that would be limited to, what, emergency situations?"
"Nothing the CG would be willing to waste resources on, given how unlikely it is for the average Commander to be put in a situation wherein they wouldn't be just relying on the Nikkes under their command anyways. Especially considering that no Commander would have the acumen to suggest they'd be able to meaningfully or intelligently contribute to combat situations regardless."
Joe just stared at Ingrid in silence as he was forced to contemplate the implications, the woman returning his gaze as Snow White's eyes were quietly locked onto the side of her head.
After a few beats, Ingrid continued. "So, with all of those disclaimers and warnings out of the way… I'll inform you as soon as Elysion's new Inter-Manufacturer squad is ready for deployment, and I'll be damn sure that Andersen knows that he is the one that will handle the next inevitable briefing you'll need."
Cinderella's breath hitched in her throat, and she reached over to gingerly pick up the little plush doll of her father, bringing it to a gentle hug against her chest in sharp contrast to how she'd smacked it in retribution for his poor conduct towards Joe earlier.
A firm reminder that, despite her protests to the contrary, she ultimately was her father's daughter.
"Until next time, Commander." At that, Ingrid about-faced and moved for the hallway door, her stark white and red-accented greatcoat whipping around her frame as she marched. Though, she stopped at the threshold, halting and holding her position before she turned back around, this time to face Pioneer, sparing a glance Rapi's way as well, before… She simply, sharply saluted with a reverent declaration of: "Thank you for your service."
There was yet another long pause, none of the girls seeming to have seen that coming.
Not that it seemed to bother Ingrid, who, after holding the salute for a few moments, spun on her heel and continued on her way with no further aplomb, leaving the group as she proceeded back on to the Ark to handle everything that had been set on her plate without complaint.
After a long, pregnant pause, Joe's attention was grabbed by his having noticed Snow White's golden oculars being focused squarely on him. When he returned her look, her stare momentarily shifted to First Affection, hanging on the firearm for a few moments before once more meeting the man's gaze.
With a small, gremlin-esque mounting smile, Snow White declared to Joe in a deliberately, exaggeratedly dry tone: "Now I have a machine gun."
"Ho-ho-ho."
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