OverMaster's Little Crummy Corner of Sub-Par Writing

[OverMaster]

The Deer in the Headlights.

"Why do you act so weird around Erza-san?"

Chisame liked it better when the Vice President tried to speak in big words. Then she'd be frustrating in how she'd be all but impossible to understand, but she was even more annoying when you could tell what she was asking you.

Chisame turned back from the large pile of plates she had been washing and glared at the busty blonde. "I don't act weird around that woman."

"Yes, you do!" Haruka insisted. "It's so strange because you're never that way around anyone! It's as if she scared you, but simaltuneously you couldn't stop looking at her when she talks to you. It's… It's… ah hah! Like a deer!"

"A deer?"

"Yes! A deer caught in the carlights!" Suzushiro said, apparently very happy at finally getting the comparison that had been eluding her so long. "I don't get it. Do you hate her, or she scares you, or what? Because not even Eva-san makes you act like that. I'm kind of worried by now, actually."

"You. Worried about me," Chisame said dryly.

Haruka nodded. "You're my comrade in arms, the most important person for Negi-sensei, and the only link to Ala Alba I've got left now. Why wouldn't I care about you?"

Chisame winced uneasily at this statement, phrased so plainly and with no hesitation. "I don't know, it's just… hell if I can figure that woman out, at least with Evangeline you can tell she's going to be grouchy all the time. Erza-san is annoyingly friendly and casual one moment, then a drill sergeant, she's kinda too… intense, but unlike Saotome, you just can't push her back."

"Oh, I see," Haruka nodded. "Well, I suppose that makes sense. Especially for someone like you!"

Chisame frowned again. "What was that supposed to mean, now?"

Haruka flippantly turned around on her heels, starting to walk out the kitchen. "You take everything as a personal attack, don't you? Relaxate every once in a while, Chisame-san." Before Chisame could tell her that she of all people was the least entitled to ever demand relaxation and calm from anyone else, Haruka favored her with a smile shot over her shoulder, which almost made her look like President Fujino for the briefest of moments. "Then again, I guess that's why Sensei can't just push you back neither."

And she left, leaving Chisame standing there, utterly confused.

"What… What did you mean with that last part…!?"

Haruka kept on walking, soon reaching the spot where Natsu Dragneel stood indolently by a wall, noisily picking a chicken—or a bird kind of like a chicken anyway—leg clean. "So," he asked out a corner of his mouth, "what'scher verdict then?"

"Heads over heels, " Haruka sighed, never stopping and walking past him. "And honestly, if even you and I have picked up on it…!"

 

[OverMaster]

"When we get to meet Negi Springfield," Wendy Marvell asked as they made their way across the mountains, "is there any special way we should address him?"

"Do you think we'd like it if I asked him for a fight?" Natsu Dragneel added a question of his own.

"Why do you ask if you're going to challenge him to a fight either way?" Gray Fullbuster asked him in turn.

"Does he usually carry fish on him, I wonder?" Happy the cat wondered. "I'm hungry…"

Hasegawa Chisame gritted her teeth for what had to be the umpteenth time that afternoon alone. Lucy was starting to grow worried the younger girl would be toothless by the time they finally caught up to her friends. "Now listen, you numbskulls," Chisame tersely began, "I'm actually very thankful you took some time off to come with us chasing this wild goose, but even if the rumors you got were true and we do get to find Sensei, there's no special way you should treat him! Other than the rampant childhood trauma, the unhealthy father complex, the weird attraction aura and the unsettling politeness and martyr syndrome, he's a completely normal child!"

"You misspeaked the word 'inhealthy'," Suzushiro Haruka lectured her, marching between Chisame and a contented Kikkawa Yukino. "Besides, there ARE several things one must keep in mind when dealing with Sensei, and you know it. One isn't to speak ill of his father, that shouldn't be a problem with Erza-san around…"

"Damn straight," dryly said the tall redheaded woman in armor leading the group, never looking back.

"… also, he isn't to ever be offered coffee," Haruka continued, nodding at Erza's words. It bothered Chisame that the two of them seemed to get along so well, when Haruka usually tended to butt heads with any other woman of authority anywhere in her proximity. "He doesn't like fighting for no real reason, but if it's for sport, he'll humor challengers and give his best at supplyting a worthy match." While Natsu grinned and cocked a fist up, Haruka went on, unfazed, "Ladies are to be treated like princesses in his presence, since he's very quick to defend us no matter what. So cut back on the Lucy-san abuse, people. He won't like it."

"Yeah. That would be awfully nice," sighed the blonde buttmonkey of the team, shoulders drooping slightly.

"Nobody has answered my question," Happy reminded them.

"That's because it's a dumb question!" Carla told him. "What would any great hero OR a schoolteacher be carrying fish on him for?!"

"Well, why wouldn't he?" the other cat asked, making Carla facepaw. "Isn't he an ever ready friend to all cats?"

"That… That's Chachamaru, not him," Chisame said, an eyebrow twitching and teeth grinding yet again. "They're easy to tell apart because she has green hair and is a robot, and he's a ten-years old boy."

"What is a robot?" Juvia Locksear asked, managing to walk close to both Gray and Yukino somehow, despite the two of them keeping a wide casual distance from each other. The blue haired shapely woman kept a dark blue parasol over her head, protecting her from the scorching sun blazing all over the arid mountain range. While officially not a part of Erza's team, when she had heard they were heading over to investigate reports of a suspicious sounding Nagi Springfield relative making news from Ariadne all the way to the Roshtarian borders, she had insisted on coming along with Gray and Yukino, and even Erza and Makarov hadn't been able to make her back down.

"Let's just say that's the way we call mechanical golems and homunculi in Mundus Vetus, although I am oversimplifying it a bit too much, perhaps," Yukino explained.

Juvia looked at her with large, adoring eyes. "Aaaahhh, I see. Just like Yukino-sama, to be so knowledgeable and open with her wisdom…!"

Haruka frowned. "I can tell you and Tsunestuki-sempai are going to get along infamously, Water Woman. Hey, Squad Commander, how much longer, anyway…?"

Erza pointed ahead, towards a long, tall downhill road suddenly appearing in the distance, worn down by time and greatly eroded. "Not much longer," she promised. "If we take that road and don't run into any Bugroms or bandits, we should be reaching the nearest town by the evening. That's the last stop before the deserts, and if Nagi's son truly wants to search for Jack Rakan, that's the best place to stock on supplies before heading into the unknown."

"Do you know exactly where that Rakan guy lives, Erza?" Gray asked, already absently taking his long coat off under the heat. Haruka already knew where this was heading, and so kept his spiked mace firmly held in a hand. Natsu just grinned in expectation for the beatdown show.

"No," Erza admitted, "all I know it's long past the temples of the three priestesses."

"Which three priestesses?" Chisame asked.

"The priestesses of the goddesses of Fire, Air and Water," Erza explained calmly. "Their temples are aligned through the sands of the desert, so only the most driven pilgrims can reach them for enlightenment. These three goddess sisters are often also associated to the Past, Present and Future respectively."

Haruka and Chisame shared a look. "Let me guess," the latter said then. "The goddess of water, is she the one related to the Future as well…?"

Erza finally looked back at her over her shoulder, somewhat curious, and Chisame fought down the annoying feeling of butterflies briefly fluttering up from her stomach. "How did you know that?" the Titania asked her. "Is there an equivalent cult in your world?"

"No, we just happen to know the goddess herself," Haruka said.

Lucy sprayed a full mouthful of water from the canteen she'd just started drinking from. "You… You are friends with one of THE THREE GODDESSES?!-!?"

Haruka shrugged. "Eh. She's hardly that impressionative when you get to know her."

"She's pretty much a brat," Chisame confirmed. "She doesn't even have any real powers to speak of, other than teleporting through water."

"D-Don't talk about the goddess of water like that!" a paling Juvia gasped, scandalized. "She shall divinely smith you from above for that blasphemy…!"

Haruka and Chisame looked at each other again, and then shared a cynical laugh. "What-What is so funny about being obliterated because of blasphemy?!" Juvia demanded.

"Please, even I can push Skuld around!" Chisame wiped a small tear off a corner of her eye, still guffawing under her breath. "Water powers? Ai-sempai has much more water magic than her!"

Erza pondered that for a moment while Juvia just shivered and Gray looked vaguely interested, his shirt already off. Haruka was lifting the mace preemptively. Finally, the redhead smiled and said, "Well, that's just like the son of Nagi, to count even deities along his allies. Don't lose your hope yet, Chisame. I'm sure we will find him."

Chisame flinched. "Um, thanks, but I realize this is a long shot, I mean…"

"He's been seen with a lot of young women, including one who allegatedly looks like a small owl with braids, that's gotta be Sensei!" Haruka insisted adamantly, as the group began the long way down the hill, towards the small town below, and then the gigantic desert past it and its oasis. "And Ayase-san too, of course! Oh, and by the way, Gray-san…"

"Yes?" asked Gray, already down to only his boxer shorts.

Haruka slammed the mace down on his head. "WILL YOU STOP DOING THAT ALREADY, IT'S GROSS!"

"Aaaaahhhhh!" Juvia cried out. "You've done it again, savage woman! HAVE AT THEE!"

"Don't fight, don't fight!" Yukino started again.

Chisame groaned to herself. Even if they did find Sensei, would he be safe anyway around these people…?

 

[Akuma-Heika]

"The priestesses of the goddesses of Fire, Air and Water," Erza explained calmly. "Their temples are aligned through the sands of the desert, so only the most driven pilgrims can reach them for enlightenment. These three goddess sisters are often also associated to the Past, Present and Future respectively."

Haruka and Chisame shared a look. "Let me guess," the latter said then. "The goddess of water, is she the one related to the Future as well…?"

Erza finally looked back at her over her shoulder, somewhat curious, and Chisame fought down the annoying feeling of butterflies briefly fluttering up from her stomach. "How did you know that?"

Click to shrink...

Considering you told her that Fire=Past, Air=Present, and Water=Future...Silly Erza
Does Skuld have any water powers?

 

[OverMaster]

Considering you told her that Fire=Past, Air=Present, and Water=Future...Silly Erza
Does Skuld have any water powers?

Click to shrink...

The 'respectively' part shouldn't have been there, actually. Thanks for pointing that out.

Other than the teleporting thing, no, she doesn't.

 

[OverMaster]

The One Thousand Faces of Unequally Rational and Emotional Artoria Pendragon.

"I can be a knight in a blue dress, the ultimate example of the Saber class!"

"I can relax at the beaches of Lady Evangeline's resort, wielding a devastating water gun, without the need to become an Archer!"

"I can go undercover as a Mysterious Heroine in hat and coat, without having to turn into an Assassin!"

"I can chill inside with Lady Chisame, reading manga and enjoying the kotatsu's warmth without turning over to my Dark Side!"

"I can spread Christmas cheer in a Santa suit all over Mahora, and I don't have to be a Rider for that!"

"I can be all of that and more! Even a maid! Alterations to my Saint Graph aren't needed!"

"Yeah, well," Haruna scratched herself on a cheek, "but can you be a tall, busty swimsuit Playboy Bunny casino manager?"

"...!" Saber said, her face suddenly going ashen.

 

[OverMaster]

Legends of Unequally Rational and Emotional.

The members of the music band from CLAMP Gakuen had gotten the ball rolling.

"Hey," Oumae Kumiko said, "now that we're heading over to Mahora… have you heard the stories about the child teacher?"

"Oh, you mean the one who has a cult around him?" Katou Hazuki asked back. "I've always assumed it's all an exaggeration…"

Shinohara Wakaba from Ohtori perked up. "No, no, it's all for real! Our Student Council President's sister disappeared in the same event as the secretary of their student council. You know, that whole scandal that was rumored to be a coup of Honnouji's Student Council against the other councils…"

"No. No, it was not," bluntly said Shinonome Nanami, who sat nearby and happened to be the Honnouji Student Council Secretary.

Wakaba blinked at the tone. "Oh," she realized it. "Oh! You're from Honnouji, aren't you? Um… you won't denounce us to your council and have us crucified atop a hill, will you?" She giggled nervously as her long haired roommate, a beautiful brunette, facepalmed and sighed into her palm.

"I'll think about it," Nanami said just as dryly as before. The ambient around the seats grew unbearably tense for a few moments before she went on, "And yes, we have heard of that boy teacher as well. They say he practically controls Mahora by now…"

"Oh, oh, I knew it!" Wakaba grew excited. "See, Hakuno-chan, I told you!" she elbowed the girl by her side, but Kishinami Hakuno only mumbled something non-commitally under her breath. "The thing I heard is, he'd seduced their Headmaster's granddaughter and put her at the head of his harem…"

"I heard they have a teacher who is a giant chicken," commented a boy who sat near them, only to have several sharp glares instantly falling on him. Aono Tsukune then held his hands up defensively. "Hey, I didn't invent the rumor, I'm not even saying I believe it, I'm just saying what I heard!"

Wakaba huffed, her pointy little nose going up. "Uf! What a ridiculous thing! A giant chicken, seriously…"

"I heard he's a British guy, and that he actually heads a sect of black magic," very seriously said Saeki Kaori, a busty blonde with long hair also from Honnouji, who was instantly glared at warningly by Nanami. "Didn't you ever learn of what happened twelve years ago in Mahora? That place has a long story regarding the powers of darkness and the occult, that's all I'm saying…"

"I heard his lieutenant is some guy they call the Perverted Beast of Mahora, a sex fiend who is even worse than Hyuudou Issei from Honnouji," commented Tanaka Asuka, elegantly nibbling from her breakfast.

"I heard," Tsukino Usagi from CLAMP said while stuffing her mouth from her bento box, "that guy's club, or whatever it is, has ties with Suzumiya Haruhi…"

Everyone within listening range instantly fell into a shared icy shudder.

Usagi blinked. "What? You know of Suzumiya Haruhi too?"

"She… She studied with us last year," Sajyou Ayaka from CLAMP remembered, eyes distant and expression traumatized. "She goes from school to school, researching on the strange and shattering lives…"

Everyone within listening range instantly fell into a shared icy shudder again, except for Usagi, who just grimaced. "Oh, come ooooon, guys!" she complained. "We're going to a weekend-long summer festival, we shouldn't be treating it as if it were a death trip to a… ghoulash? Gurlap? How is it that it's called, Naru, that kind of things where they throw political prisoners to die…?"

"A gulag, Usagi-chan," patiently said Osaka Naru, unknowingly doing a perfect Kikukawa Yukino impression.

"Yeah, that thing!" Usagi snapped her fingers. "So what if there's actually a weird little brat there with a lot of boyfriends and a pair of boyfriends and yeah, I've heard all the stories too, what's the point of worrying? Odds are we won't ever cross paths with them while there! Hey, you!" she called over to one of the Mahora designated attendants who had been doing the rounds around the wagon, serving those heading for the Academy for the festival. "You've been overhearing, haven't you? I'll bet you haven't ever met that English Whatever Club in all the time you've been in Mahora, have you?"

Yuuki Rito approached and paused, with a grimly depressed expression etched onto his face. "No," he decided to lie. "I hadn't even heard of them before, ever."

Then the train suddenly hit an abrupt stop, and yelping, he fell forward and against Kumiko's bosom.

 

[OverMaster]

A Mahorafest snippet.

---

"Something wrong, Saber?" Shirou asked, finally noticing the expression on his Servant's face. "Are you worried about Negi-sensei?"

Saber chomped the head of her latest chocolate cone off and shook her head reluctantly. "Not yet, since I trust this Takahata-sensei of yours won't hurt him. However, there is something about another of the contestants that upsets me. This Kuh Nel Sanders…"

"What about him?" Sakura asked.

Saber thought for a moment before answering in a low voice. "There is something about the way I could feel about him, even from afar. It felt much like my old mentor, Merlin."

Shirou blinked. "Um… wouldn't that be a good thing? Merlin was your advisor and mentor, wasn't he?"

"I'm not saying he was a bad person," Saber made clear, "but occasionally his methods would leave a lot to be desired. I only can pray Professor Negi is not turned into a squirrel at any point."

"… a what?!" Shirou asked.

"I'm with Saber in this one," Rin said, "what kind of trustworthy man would ever call himself after a hamburger chain mascot?"

"Fried chicken, Neesan," Sakura corrected her.

Rin waved it off. "Same thing, you know I've never liked junk food!"

Saber's ahoge twitched slightly at this.

"Ah, Tohsaka," Shirou cut in, "why are you so sure he named himself after that? What if that's a coincidence and that's his real name?"

"Don't be silly, Emiya-kun, Western magi have sensible, normal sounding gaijin names like Reines El-Melloi Archisorte, Celenike Icecolle Yggdmillennia or Faldeus Dioland," Rin told him.

It was the turn of Vigilante, who was taking advantage of the Festival to walk around pretending being a child in duck cosplay, to wince. "If you ask me, all good last names should identify your species, that's the actual good old sensible way we had it back at home…"

 

[OverMaster]

Call me Princess.

Ayaka sighed. "Well," she finally told Asuna, "if you're going to be a princess, then you definitely will need someone to teach you how to act like one!"

Asuna stopped picking her nose long enough to ask, "Is there anything wrong with the way I act?"

"For a princess, most definitely!" Ayaka said irritably.

"Well, can't Konoka or Chizuru or even you teach me?"

"Th-That's different, noble as we may be, we're still not princesses! Besides, Konoka-san hasn't taught you manners in over five years now, no way she will start by this point!"

"Okay, but we know a real princess! We'll just ask Lala-san to tutor me!"

"... you can't possibly be serious!"

"Fine then, how about her sisters?"

"You mean the girl who sneaks naked into men's bed with no innocent intent and the tomboyish fanatic of animal rights?!"

"How picky! And Skuld-chan? Her dad is God! You can't get much more 'princess' than that!"

Ayaka grimaced. "P-Perhaps we should start considering a different angle..."

"Excuse me," Saber piped in. "I was a prince, so i'm of no help in that regard, but we do know someone else who was a princess..."

---

Medea smiled approvingly, looking at Asuna's work. "That is perfect! Now you're getting into the spirit of the role!"

"I still don't see what this has to do with being a princess!" Yuuna groaned as she, Ako, Makie and Akira all stood together in the fancy dresses Asuna had sewn for them. "As if I didn't have enough already with one of them..."

Asuna's eyes shone as she giddily smoothed Akira's dress down on her shapely body. "What did I know, this is FUN after all!"

 

[OverMaster]

The Thing in the Basement.

When Bruce found the access to the secret door compromised, he knew it had to have been Terry.

Well, it had to happen someday. The old man drew a deep breath and began the long way down the elevator, Ace by his side, and shaking his head to himself all the way. He was thinking of how he should apologize, or if he should at all. Being Bruce Wayne, even after all these years, his first impulse was not apologizing. Yet he couldn't blame the boy for the reaction he was sure to have. Even so, by the time he had reached the bottom he still hadn't figured what to say.

Still pondering that, he walked over towards the end of the single chamber, hundreds of meters under the foundations of the cave. Terry sat by Bruce's chair, facing the cell and its glass walls, his back turned to the old man. And facing the other old man, who sat on the cell's floor, moving his flaccid lips up and down as if chewing his words with mashed gums. Occassionally he would giggle in absent minded fashion, sticking his white fingers to the glass wall separating him from the tall, vital man.

"T-Terry, yes, that's right, I forgot..." the clown's voice wheezed, a shadow of a chuckle chortling up his throat in vain before collapsing just as soon. "S-Sorry, how many times have you told me already...?"

"Four," Mc Ginnis dry and harshly said, then barked at the other elder approaching from him with the large dog. "I can't believe you. Even now, even after everything, you find ways to surprise me."

"Y-Yeah, that's what he does... that..." the Joker smiled like a spacy child, lifting his unfocused eyes to look at Bruce Wayne. "We have another baby boy! And you never told me, and you never told him of me..."

"And you never told Tim Drake either, I'm sure." Terry was still refusing to look back, at him. "Did you?"

"He's a detective. He knows," was all Wayne said, leaning ahead slightly on his cane. "So does Barbara. Dick definitely knows too, he threw this on my face last time we talked..."

"Which... Which one was Dick, again...?" the Joker babbled, head lolling aside until he almost toppled over as a whole.

Terry turned back at last, eyes burning in anger. "Why weren't you honest about this, all the while that was happening to Tim?!" he demanded of his mentor. "Didn't you think I'd have the right to know we had him right under our feet the whole time?!"

"Who... Who is Tim?" the Joker blinked. "Ah, sorry, you're Tim, aren't you? No, no, you just talked of him in the third person, nnghhh..." he took a feeble fist to his head and knocked. "Thinking used to be so easy..."

"It wouldn't have helped," Wayne looked aside. "There was no way he could have had anything to do with it, all the way from down here. In truth, he's as dead as if he'd actually perished that night. He's been buried here ever since."

A wide, perverse grin worked up the bald man's angular face, slow but steadily, and the clueless eyes fleetingly sparkled with malicious life again. "Ooooo, that night. That, I remember..."

"Why did you save him?" Terry asked Wayne.

"We save lives. It's what we do."

"He didn't deserve to be saved!"

"I did something arguably worse than just letting him die," Wayne growled, casting hateful eyes on the cadaveric wreck of a man sitting on the floor, skin and bones on the baggy suit with no shoes. "I kept him here, coming every week to see him wither and falter. As soon as he'd recovered enough from the shot, he'd spend days howling and menacing me, struggling to get out, and I'd just sit here, blocking his way, staring at him..."

"S-Sometimes he'd hit me for hours too," the Joker reminisced, smacking those toothless gums together. "B-But he loves me not anymore..."

Terry's hateful glare turned back towards him.

"What?" the Joker asked, then coughed. "I was still strong, young, and a looker back then. I'd survived being blown up, falling into vats of acids, being thrown down chimneys, swimming with sharks... a simple spearshot through the chest wasn't going to kill me, was it?"

Terry punched the glass, and the sharp nosed old man backed away, pulling himself back and dragging his carcass along the floor, scared by the noise more than anything else.

"He can't even stand up on his own anymore," Bruce Wayne grimly said. "He'll never hurt anyone again. I'm... not satisfied with that, but it's as much of a closure as I felt I could provide. For any of us."

"Stand up..." the Joker wheezed nasally, gasping for breath after the scare. "I used to love those words... Tom, what year is it now? Bruce never wants to tell me..."

"Shut up," Terry told him.

"A-Ah, s-so you w-were the one to inherit the temper. D-Do you put on the costume now? Y-You look like you work out... Sorry, I think I forgot your name again, it was...?"

Terry didn't speak to Bruce for weeks after that. Eventually, he more or less came to grips with it, and a couple years later, it was him who went down the elevator with the bowl of food.

Somehow, the simpering, dodgering mess knew. "Oh. Did he--"

"Your food," Mc Ginnis growled, shoving it through the slit.

The Joker shakily took his first handful of the meal, taking it to his mouth. "I-I-I never thought I'd ever o-outlive him. A pity."

"Hrn."

"I mean, a pity that I can't l-laugh anymore. I-It'd be to laugh, but I've forgotten how to. Which reminds me," he looked at him curiously, the mashed food trickling down a side of his mouth, "y-your name, what was it, again...?"

"Just shut up and finish soon, I've got better things to do."

The Joker kept on eating in silence.

"Y-You know," he said after several long moments of swallowing laboriously, "y-you're a much better c-cook than he ever was..."

 

[OverMaster]

Doggy Goes, Doggy Comes.

"I'm sorry," the vet said, lowering his head. "But there's nothing we can do anymore, except..."

Mickey's lower lip trembled several times. He looked at the old, feeble orange dog in the cage, who in turn looked up imploringly, with huge eyes asking him to do the merciful thing.

"Oh, alright...!" Mickey wailed. "Just do it already...!"

---

Donald was walking down the street, whistling happily, when he came to a screeching halt.

Mickey waved with a peppy smile. "Oh, good morning there, Donald! What gives?"

The duck, for all answer, simply stared at the large, naked black dog the mouse was pulling by the leash and collar, and then back at Mickey, with an appalled, disgusted look of horror.

"Whaaat?!" Mickey demanded. "It was his idea! He told me it'd help me cope, and he was right...!"

"A-hyuk, boy I was!" the dog chuckled.

"Shut up, remember that you can't talk," Mickey scolded, pulling on him again.

 

[OverMaster]

Servants who Never Should be Summoned.

Berserker.

The woman with long black hair who had just appeared before Ritsuka sneered. She was wearing short shorts, worn down boots, and a small, tight black top. She also had an intricate tribal design tattooed all over her upper right arm.

"How do you, punk," she lazily waved at him. "My name's Revy and, huh, I think I am a 'Servant'... of the Berserker class... What the shit," she paused, an eyebrow jerking. She pulled two handguns out of the holsters at her hips and began shooting around maniacally, forcing Ritsuka to duck for cover. "THE HELL I'M A FUCKIN' BERSERKER?! AM I SOME KINDA LUNATIC NOW OR WHAT?! I SHOULD BE A MOTHERFUCKING ARCHER! HELL, I'D TAKE EVEN ASSASSIN! BERSERKER?! BRING ME THE SHITTY ASSHOLE WHO THOUGHT I SHOULD BE A STINKING BERSERKER, I'M NOT MAD BUT IN PERFECT CONTROL OF MYSELF...!"

She ended up rooming with Nobunaga. Nothing good turned out of it.

 

[OverMaster]

Secret Society.

"What, are you going on another pajama party for rich globetrotting girls again?" Asuna asked Konoka as she prepared to leave with Ayaka and Chizuru. "I thought you didn't even like most of the snobs in that social circle! So why do you keep going? We could stay here all night long and play videogames!"

Ayaka frowned. "They aren't 'pajama parties', and even though I do dislike most of those harpies, it's still important for us to attend, since... uhhh, I dislike videogames even more!" she ended up snapping at the redhead.

Asuna frowned at them. "Oh, really."

Chizuru smiled pleasantly and stepped ahead, placing a hand on her shoulder. "Asuna-san, if you really need to know, we are the true Illuminati, and we need to gather every month to coordinate how to manipulate our families until we are of age to take over, seizing control over the world."

Asuna threw her hands up. "Fine! If you don't want to tell me just go! I'm sure it must be the food anyway, joke's on you, I'm calling for pizza and it's going to be darn good pizza! All to myself!"

---

"You took a great risk," Sawachika Eri cautioned, sipping her tea.

"She won't tell anyone," Ayaka reassured them, giving the confident Chizuru a brief angry glare. "She's too stupid to even believe it..."

"Ah ha ha, yes, I'm sue we won't need to sic the assassins or anything on her, isn't that right, Konoe-san?" Milly Ashford gently laughed. "You're overthinking it, Executive Secretary. I'm sure even the President doesn't see any danger on it, or else she'd have spoken on the subject by now."

Kiryuin Satsuki scowled. "There IS no danger from her. Whether because she is wise enough to be quiet or foolish enough to try and pry further is only up to her to decide."

"Aaaaand there we go again, chilling the mood for the rest of the meeting," Cheryl Blossom said, while Miyuki Mayu discreetly edged away from Satsuki and towards a sighing Sonia Nevermind. "Remember when these things used to be fun and we'd talk about assigning harems and such?"

"At least this time we aren't debating whether to kill our families yet or not," Luviagelita Edefelt said. "By the way, Konoe-san, your girlfriend is spying by the window again."

Konoka rolled her eyes back. "Set-chaaaaan! I told you to wait at the car, didn't I...?"

 

[OverMaster]

OverMaster Rewrites Carl Barks' 'Voodoo Hoodoo'.

"-- now that got the natives angry," Scrooge reminisced, leaning forward on his cane. "Their witch doctor summoned a zombie to fight me men. A hulking, unstoppable creature of incredible power that plowed through me lads like so much paper tissue! He did a real number on them, yes, he did. A pity, they were the best cheap local help you could hire..."

Donald paused on his shoveling of money. "Oh, so what happened to him? Don't tell me he's still unlive somewhere, with my luck he'll come to take revenge on me over what you did!"

"Of course no, don't be dumb," Scrooge scoffed. "I ripped him apart with me bare hands, kicked the rest of the villagers down, and told the lads' widows and orphans take what the tribe had as their compensation, so I didn't have to spend a dime. Why did you stop working? Did I tell you to? Be careful, you're starting to look like a zombie..."

 

[OverMaster]

OverMaster Rewrites Batman Beyond: Return of The Joker.

"Look, Batman!" the Joker cackled. "Now I have my own son... Joker Junior!"

The hideously transformed Robin laughed as well, a horrible throaty sound gurgling out of him.

The Batman finally spoke. "I hate to disappoint, Joker..."

Then Robin stepped out from behind him, smirking. "... but I'm fine as a song, as you can see!"

"What?!" Joker gasped. "This, this can't be! Then who--!"

"You got the wrong Robin, Joker," Batman grimly said. He then pointed a finger dramatically at Joker Junior. "That is... the Teen Titans Go Robin!"

"Oh. Oh. Oh!" Joker blinked very slowly. "I, I see. Boy, my white face is red. No wonder the Titans gave him so easily. And no wonder he took so easy to the psychosis and mania, either..."

The Clown Prince then sheepishly pulled three crowbars out, kept one for himself, and handed two over to Batman and Robin.

And then, all three of them rained on Joker Junior.

 

[OverMaster]

The Noblest of Greek Heroes.

"I have to warn you," the oracle told the King, "it is written by the Fates that, someday, your son shall kill you."

As was the case in such myths, everyone was expecting for the King to have his son killed right then. Most likely by some method like sending him away to be killed far from his view in the woods or thrown into the sea instead of having him chopped to pieces right before his presence. But the noble King simply declared, "No. If that is the will of the Gods, so be it. None of those heroes and sovereigns who came before me could ever fool Destiny."

"But, my Lord--" the Servants began to argue.

He silenced them with a grim gesture of his mighty hand and drew the child to his chest.

From then on, the Prince grew beloved and strong under his father's guidance, ever loyal to the man who loved him more than anything else. But everybody kept on expecting and dreading for his betrayal, for the unavoidable twist of fate, for the point where he would turn on the King and slay him. As he grew, the court and the people only turned more cynical and distant towards the Prince, treating him with a coldness that would have pushed any lesser man to actual betrayal out of mere spite.

However, the King alone never stopped loving and trusting his sole heir. And in returm, the young man never stopped following him. The most benevolent thought it could come to be, at least, a tragic accident. All agreed, however, it would come to pass sooner than later.

And then the King fell ill while his son was in a campaign across the seas, and the Prince was called back home to find the old man in his death bed. "Son..."

"What is it, Father?"

"My suffering... my pain... it is too much. Yet nobody dares raising their blade against me. I lack the strenght now, all I can do is wither and be miserable under this weight, this unbearable, maddening ailing..."

The servant handed him the sword, and he weakly handed it to the Prince. "I beg of you. Fulfill our fates."

The good son lowered his head, took the sword, and obeyed his father, just like he always would.

And mortal and god alike acknowledged that day that they had just seen the most gallard and noble of Greek heroes, together again for the last time until they would be reunited in the stars.

 

[OverMaster]

"A Fitting End for his Kind."

While battered and bloodied, the Dark Knight still got up, readying his fists again. "It's over, Slade. I won't let you escape this time...!"

Deathstroke began laughing under the tattered mask. "Oh, Batman! You don't even know what are you saying anymore, I-- AIE!" he shouted suddenly, taking a hand to his chest and clenching down on it. "My heart's on fucking fire...!"

---

When it was time for the Joker to give his eulogy, he just sighed, looked at the rest of the assembled supervillains at the funeral, and shrugged his shoulders. "I know you're expecting for a joke, now, but even I can't make material this obvious to work...!"

 

[OverMaster]

Coronavirus.

"Okay, expert, now we've locked ourselves," Misa told Chisame. "So tell us, as the expert in long term indoors survival, what are we supposed to do from here?"

"You just sit there," Chisame said with airs of great and profound wisdom, "and enjoy the quiet."

"... how?" Ayaka asked after a moment.

"Oh, just use your laptop! Take a nap! Read a book, even!" Chisame threw her hands up. "What kind of people are you, that I need telling you how you're supposed to enjoy a day without going out!"

"Open space...!" Ku Fei wailed, clawing at the door as Kaede held her from behind. "I need my fresh air and sunlight, I won't take fifteen days like this...!"

Finally, she collapsed into a quiet, sobbing puddle while Negi patted her head tenderly.

After another uneasy moment, Haruna raised a hand. "When do we start having sex?"

 

[OverMaster]

Unequally Secret Wars.

Spider-Man walked back out of the room, now wearing a fully black costume with a white spider design on his chest. "Well, will you just look at this! Not bad looking at all, is it?!"

The other heroes stared at him. "... where did you get that thing?" Batman finally asked.

"Well, someone put that machine in there, and I struggled with it a little since it obviously doesn't come with instructions, but I finally got it to work, and it made this nifty costume for me!"

The others only kept on staring.

"What?!" Spider-Man said. "Was I supposed to swing around this place in my mask and underwear?!"

"You were... messing around with an alien machine that you had no idea what the hell it did, what if it'd blown your damn fool head off?" Wolverine asked. "What if it'd blown all of us up?!"

"Yeah, only Booster would've ever done anything that dumb," Blue Beetle agreed.

"That's not freaking fair, when I messed with a machine meant to break the laws of continuum and alter the past I knew perfectly what it was supposed to do!" Booster Gold argued.

"No, that... that only makes what you did even worse!" Spider-Man cried out. "I know, I goofed, maybe it has something to do with the fact that, you know, we're suddenly stranded in outer space with no way back! I'm not thinking clearly, but are any of you?! Besides, it's only a costume (and a darn fine looking one at that), so there's no harm on--"

"It's alive," Superman told him.

"Excuse me?"

"X-Ray microscopic vision reveals that 'suit' is actually made of living cells swarming over your body and linking themselves to your flesh," the Man of Steel explained, concern in his voice. "It doesn't seem to be a parasyte, more of a... symbiote, but maybe Reed should run some tests on it first, after I blow it off you with super brea--"

"Nah, thank you but I think I'm cool with it," Spider-Man said. "A symbiote, huh? If it's not a parasyte then it should be my buddy, what's the worst thing it can do?"

On hindsight, I really was the biggest damn idiot back then, that day. Not even so much for the whole Venom thing. But because I'd just made sure they'd never want me in the Justice Society after that...

And hell, they even took Booster in.

 

[chiufan95]

On hindsight, I really was the biggest damn idiot back then, that day. Not even so much for the whole Venom thing. But because I'd just made sure they'd never want me in the Justice Society after that...

Click to shrink...

A shame, at least they never made you fight the hulk or became very enthusiastic at the thought of beating you up like the Avengers did.

 

[OverMaster]

Inherit the Earth.

The inmates had taken over the asylum. Again.

As a matter of fact, it had been a full week since they had, but this time none of them had broken out yet.

Tetch looked away from the stage play Karlo and Dahl were setting for them, and glanced at Joker. "The Jabberwocky will still be out there when we get out, won't he?"

"He has to. It's Bats after all."

"And do you think our provisions will last that long?" Hatter asked next.

Croc licked his fingers off noisily. "Don't worry about me. There's still plenty of orderlies and doctors."

---

A weary Gordon sighed. "At the very least," Jim said, "we haven't had any breakouts from Arkham since the outbreak began. I'll make sure to congratulate Jeremiah when this is all over..."

 

[OverMaster]

The Negima that Time Forgot!

"Unga bwana bunga. Ugh! Ughaaa wanna wagga wugga!" Konoe Konoemon said, hands folded on his desk of solid rock. "Wahunga ukh!"

The small redhaired boy in the loincloth standing before him bowed. "Kwama-bunga manga tunga, Ohkashi. Wagga!" He slammed a fist on his own, bare chest. "Wakanga munga ayonga! Barzungas!"

The old man smiled pleasantly and nodded. "Mafuna chongo, Negi-bouzoungo. Marombo kimba! Yambawane-neh!"

"Hooo!" both men shouted, raising their fists at once.

The shapely, buxom woman in the tiger fur bikini standing by rolled her eyes. "If you feel the need to talk in your shamanic language in my presence, you only have to tell me to leave and I'll gladly do so, Konoemon-sensei."

The old man gave her a pleading look under those bushy, thick white eyebrows. "Oh, don't be that way, Shizuna-kun...! I don't get to do this that often anymore!"

 

[OverMaster]

How to Make More Saberfaces.

Da Vinci frowned quite sternly at Gudako.

Gudako smiled nervously, still holding a large knife in a hand, and keeping her other hand squeezing the cheeks of the extra Saber Alter she had summoned earlier.

"No. It doesn't work this way," the genius told Gudako.

"Aw, c'mon...!"

Still tied to the chair close by, Serenity stomped a foot down. "See, Master, I told you! Now let me go, please, will you!"

 

[chiufan95]

Serenity has shapeshifting, so she can become a Saberface.

 

[OverMaster]

But that's the boring way.

 

[OverMaster]

Rule of Three.

"Well, you'll see..." Donald began uneasily. "When I was a child, I hung all the time with my cousin Gladstone-- he's the annoying one-- and my cousin Fethry-- he's the other annoying one. Then, while traveling the world, I got so used to play music with Jose and Panchito, I just can't play music any other way. Then I worked with Goofy and Mickey, and well, don't ever tell them, but I don't do most jobs very well if I'm not with them, and neither do them without me, of course. Now, well, nowadays I do most of my adventuring with Goofy and Sora, and I'd like to think we do that well enough..."

"So basically," Daisy interrupted him, oddly quiet now, "what you're trying to tell me is you do things best while in teams of three."

He nodded sheepishly.

Sitting at the other end of the bed with them, Beakley puffed on a cigarette. "It's something you should look into one of these days."

Della peeked into the room. "Hey Don, I was looking for the--" She grimaced. "Oooohhhhh, forget it, I'll just go ask the ghost."

 

[OverMaster]

A Dish Best Served Denied.

"I have a riddle for you guys," the Joker said grinning.

Nygma frowned. "Oh, don't you say."

"It's also a joke," Joker added, looking at the clock on the wall. "Daniel Mockridge, Ferris Boyle, and Roland Daggett all walk into a bar. Riddle me this, what happens next...?"

Across the table, Nygma, Fries and Hagen just stared blankly at him.

Joker sipped his coffee as the lunchroom's TV broke into a newsflash. "Summer Gleason here, reporting from the Iceberg Lounge, where a woman just broke, shot three of the cities' major businessmen with a machinegun, and escaped through a skylight. Commissioner Gordon says--"

Hagen's collar began beeping as his right eye popped up. "You son of a--! I'd been waiting years to do that myself...!"

"You didn't get Thorne," Two-Face growled as Nygma began bashing his forehead on the table.

"You know he and Penguin don't get along after that Batwoman fiasco," Joker shrugged. "If I sent him an invite, he wouldn't go even if he couldn't see through it!"

"You didn't get Hill either!" Clock King gritted his teeth.

"Well, I heard he doesn't drink anymore!" Joker threw his hands up. "What kind of revenge seeker are you two, or three, wanting me to snatch the pleasure away from you! You should learn from Clayface, he's even crying now!"

"I'm not crying, I'm just straining to pop this blasted thing off!" Clayface roared, his head expanding around the collar. "And then I'll pop your blasted head off next!"

"..." was all Freeze said, his face even more expresionless than usual.

Ivy huffed, then pointed at Dent. "You didn't get him either..." she told Joker.

 

[OverMaster]

Pinocchio.

"My name's Jiminy," the small bug told the wooden boy. "How do you do?"

The boy smiled. "Oh! Jiminy... Cricket, right?"

Jiminy grinned, showing oh so many oh so sharp teeth. "No. Jiminy Termite."

And he jumped on the boy.

Alternate Pinocchio Ending:

The boy, of course, simply clapped his hands on him as he jumped, dusted his hands off on his pants, and walked away shaking his head to himself.

 

[wellis]

If he was "Thermite" wouldn't Pinnochio be on fire?

 

[OverMaster]

Misunderstood.

"You know what I like best about you, Reed?" Johnny trusted him. "That you're the only one who doesn't treat me differently from all others. I mean, everyone else just treat me as if I were an idiot."

Richards didn't have the heart to tell him that he also thought he was an idiot, but since everyone else also was one compared to himself, he thus wouldn't treat him any differently.

 

[OverMaster]

What's in a word?

"I have good and bad news," Negi reported to Kotaro.

"Start with the bad," the other boy said, pausing from the sandwich he'd been eating when Negi arrived.

"I sort of have to start with the good ones," Negi shook his head. "I looked into a few history books, and learned the meaning of that word nobody will tell us about."

"Which one of them?"

"Fuck. It means 'Fornication Under Consent of the King' and peasants in ancient England wrote it on their doors not to be disturbed."

"I see. But... what is 'fornication'?"

"Those are the bad news!" Negi threw his hands up. "We're back to square one since now I have to learn what's that!"