• The site has now migrated to Xenforo 2. If you see any issues with the forum operation, please post them in the feedback thread.
  • Due to issues with external spam filters, QQ is currently unable to send any mail to Microsoft E-mail addresses. This includes any account at live.com, hotmail.com or msn.com. Signing up to the forum with one of these addresses will result in your verification E-mail never arriving. For best results, please use a different E-mail provider for your QQ address.
  • For prospective new members, a word of warning: don't use common names like Dennis, Simon, or Kenny if you decide to create an account. Spammers have used them all before you and gotten those names flagged in the anti-spam databases. Your account registration will be rejected because of it.
  • Since it has happened MULTIPLE times now, I want to be very clear about this. You do not get to abandon an account and create a new one. You do not get to pass an account to someone else and create a new one. If you do so anyway, you will be banned for creating sockpuppets.
  • Due to the actions of particularly persistent spammers and trolls, we will be banning disposable email addresses from today onward.
  • The rules regarding NSFW links have been updated. See here for details.

SHINOBI: The RPG - New Game

Reader mode
Fulcon said:
Satoshi said with a nod. "So, how's the quest for that scroll I told you about?
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...
This is just suspicious as hell! Thank goodness Naruto's been raised in a village of ninjas, spent years taught by their official schools on methods of data exfiltration and on investigation and so forth.


Fulcon said:
"It's...it's going okay," Naruto said with narrowed eyes.
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...
Aha! His suspicions have been arised! You better watch out young man, Naruto has a history of being sneaky when he needs to be, they will set up complex tricks and pranks that can easily fool even the most powerful ninjas in his own town where they're most powerful!

I'm not really sure what he's going to do, it's not really in his character to lie about the situation or be sneaky so I doubt he would play possum to learn more about the plans of this person or try to understand their motivation, but I bet he's going to be really careful to pay attention to what's going on!


Fulcon said:
"You know, the Hokage asked me about you. Said you've been talking with enemies of the village!"
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...

.... What!?

You know the leader of my village who I love as a grandfather said that you were consorting with people that want to destroy the place that I claim to love and want to lead as a future hokage! Just in case you have any plans to assassinate me and flee and escape from all the various spies and stuff, I want to make sure you know as soon as possible so there's a little chance other people I care for will be injured in the process!

Seriously Naruto you are literally the worst ninja ever. I don't think it's physically possible to be less sneaky and underhanded, and it really strengthens my suspicion that the word ninja in this universe just straight up means mercenary... Because if we use Naruto as the standard, stealth wouldn't even be included in the mention of the career.
 
Last edited:
This rewrite feels more human and less min/max. The characters just seem more relatable.
 
Nice update though the Satoshi is becoming more interesting.
Sweet scene of Anko.
 
MasterMarx said:
That's as good a reason to hate writing Team 9 as any I suppose, but I was being honest when I said it felt like you were speedrunning the arc. Reading back through, it's as if you had two goals in mind: "Get Daisuke's RPG-ness revealed" and "get the harem idea out in the open and a source of conflict with Hisako", and didn't quite care how you got there as long as it was by the end of the quest.
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...

I mean, I hated the quest the first time around too; it had no bearing on the main plot whatsoever and was only impactful because 'Hisako is wooby'. I hoped to fix that with this iteration and just made it worse.

SebazuD said:
It kind of takes a really important part of his character for a really nonsensical reason.
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...

Objection overruled. Naruto isn't depicted as someone who trains until the Land of Waves arc, with it's embryo being discovered when he ripped the shadow clone jutsu from the Kinjutsu scroll.

theaceoffire said:
Seriously Naruto you are literally the worst ninja ever. I don't think it's physically possible to be less sneaky and underhanded, and it really strengthens my suspicion that the word ninja in this universe just straight up means mercenary... Because if we use Naruto as the standard, stealth wouldn't even be included in the mention of the career.
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...

I mean, you aren't wrong.

Rebu said:
I understood that reference. Sympathy for the Devil, right?
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...

I actually wasn't trying to make a reference, but if it works, it works. :)

Beburos said:
This rewrite feels more human and less min/max. The characters just seem more relatable.
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...

Thank you! Have a cookie. :)

alec_potter said:
Nice update though the Satoshi is becoming more interesting.
Sweet scene of Anko.
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...

Appreciate that, thanks for the compliment.
 
Fulcon said:
Ooh, you're right! I can use this, thank you.
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...
tenor.gif

Fulcon said:
No, but Hidan has an association with this character.
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...
Relyt33 said:
No that's Jashin. Hidan's god
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...
tbfh i literally forgot that jashin exist since he didnt play any role in part of original. he appeared during the god's introduction and kaiju taming. so jashin and other gods are interfering mc's growth. thats one way of solving his unbalanced growth he had in original. though this rises some questions
1. is jashin the only god active or is the life god active as well
2. is zetsu aware that the gods are active. bcoz if zetsu knows cue worm escalation:)(tho since naruto is a shonen show and mc is a shonen protagonist it may work in daisuke's favor:sneaky:)
3. will this fic feature the otsusuki and their god from boruto and generally characters, tech etc from boruto as well
 
anirocks said:
1. is jashin the only god active or is the life god active as well
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...

Shinigami and Jashin are it.

anirocks said:
2. is zetsu aware that the gods are active. bcoz zetsu knows cue worm escalation
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...

No.

anirocks said:
3. will this fic feature the otsusuki and their god from boruto and generally characters, tech etc from boruto as well
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...

I have no intention of including anything from Boruto because I don't know or care to know anything about that time period.
 
Fulcon said:
I mean, I hated the quest the first time around too; it had no bearing on the main plot whatsoever and was only impactful because 'Hisako is wooby'. I hoped to fix that with this iteration and just made it worse.
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...
Ah, yeah, that makes sense. A way to fix the lack of impact on the main plot might be having Hiashi try to actually build a working acquaintanceship with him as a result of the mission instead of just going "hey, you can go ahead and woo my daughter," dragging him more into village inter-clan politics as a result? I know you avoided that last time around due to Daisuke's low CHA being a more serious concern back then, but why not bring it in as a serious repercussion of the foiling of this kidnapping attempt?
 
MasterMarx said:
Ah, yeah, that makes sense. A way to fix the lack of impact on the main plot might be having Hiashi try to actually build a working acquaintanceship with him as a result of the mission instead of just going "hey, you can go ahead and woo my daughter," dragging him more into village inter-clan politics as a result? I know you avoided that last time around due to Daisuke's low CHA being a more serious concern back then, but why not bring it in as a serious repercussion of the foiling of this kidnapping attempt?
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...

Right now, it's because rewrites trigger me (not literally, but you know what I mean).
 
Of course it would be my luck that it is precisely the three or so days that I don't check on QQ that you dump three entire new chapters. Of course.

It's a bit of a shame the explanation scene in Chapter 15 is in third-person as opposed to, say, an interlude from the viewpoint of one of the characters. It feels a bit dry to me - don't know exactly why, maybe because it doesn't have any thoughts of the teammates, but only lines of dialogue and action descriptions? And yes, Daisuke does kinda look like a massive douche for being this ignorant, despite not lacking Charisma at the moment, of the fact that his teammates might be worried about him.

As for the Naruto interlude, uhh, wow. There's stupidity, and then there's seeing nothing wrong with a person he's been in contact with being wanted for questioning and possibly treason. I do wonder what Satoshi possibly intends to gain from teaching (well, trying to teach anyway) him about consent, though.
 
Fulcon said:
Right now, it's because rewrites trigger me (not literally, but you know what I mean).
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...

Still has potential for future use though. The helping Hinata plan gets demonstrably harder, and easier, in various ways, because Hiashi is actively trying to make a working relationship.

He'd get the ability to sway favors, but also Hiashi is actually trying to interact with him.... In addition to having a much harder time trying to be sneaky about plans to get Hinata out of there without marrying her.... Gross. Just.... Gross.
 
Galacticplumber said:
Still has potential for future use though. The helping Hinata plan gets demonstrably harder, and easier, in various ways, because Hiashi is actively trying to make a working relationship.

He'd get the ability to sway favors, but also Hiashi is actually trying to interact with him.... In addition to having a much harder time trying to be sneaky about plans to get Hinata out of there without marrying her.... Gross. Just.... Gross.
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...
Hiashi shouldn't be in the mood to schmooze until the branch member and everyone else is safely behind the village walls, anyway, so it wouldn't need to be included in any sort of rewrite aside from maybe a request to speak to Daisuke later on.
 
Fulcon said:
Think...think nows the time for a long break again.

Sorry, I just hate screwing up over and over.
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...

I will never begrudge a man his recuperative me-time. Rest, relax, wait to come back until you're comfortable coming back. Maybe in the interim we'll shoot the shit about the quality of local eateries or something similarly low stakes. We just had a new local soul-food place open that we're planning on testing in the near future.
 
Galacticplumber said:
I will never begrudge a man his recuperative me-time. Rest, relax, wait to come back until you're comfortable coming back. Maybe in the interim we'll shoot the shit about the quality of local eateries or something similarly low stakes. We just had a new local soul-food place open that we're planning on testing in the near future.
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...
Words of wisdom I have never heard so fine.


... What style of cuisine is the restaurant? Soul-food tends to be pretty broad.
 
MasterMarx said:
It's all good, my man- mistakes are a part of life, but if you really need the time to just cool off then I'd say go for it.
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...

I'm just starting to realize that my values and the values of most people are growing increasingly incompatible.

Galacticplumber said:
I will never begrudge a man his recuperative me-time. Rest, relax, wait to come back until you're comfortable coming back. Maybe in the interim we'll shoot the shit about the quality of local eateries or something similarly low stakes. We just had a new local soul-food place open that we're planning on testing in the near future.
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...

Thanks.

SebazuD said:
Chapter 4
RJWqvFH.jpg
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...

Fine.

Story's a failure and I'm done.
 
Do not necro. This is against Rule 7.
Fulcon said:
Story's done. I can't write a damn side character in a way that makes sense to me and the values I want to include in this story are just getting me flamed.

I'm done. No more fanfics from me. I'm out.
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...

Nooo...
:(

Thanks for everything so far dude, hope your other endeavors are going great.
 
Reader mode
You must log in or register to reply here.

Users who are viewing this thread

Total: 3 (members: 0, guests: 3)
Back
Top