Cu-nosuba: God’s Blessing on This Lancer’s Holy Grail War!

[l---erddad---l]

Your exponent system has me curious...You mind explaining it?

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Each time it reaches a new level of crack, multiplying the previous crack, I add another.

I don't remember all of them, but I know the baseline was the Konosuba vibe the fic had, one of them was the crazy amount of sex that was happening, I think one of the breaking points was the sex line plot but I don't fully remember, and the most recent breaking point was stealing all of Ruler's command seals.

Actually, orders of magnitude is probably more accurate. So it's Crack*e5

 

[Davos]

"What in the world?!" Darnic shouts.

"Medea…do you have any idea what you just did?" Emiya asks.

"Not an inkling…I thought she was a Saber or Lancer Servant…why are there so many Command Seals?! Who are- AH!" Jeanne's fist smashes into Medea's face, blood dripping down her face now as she returns to the air.

"Die Musashi!" Kojiro shouts while slashing away.

"C-can we do this later, I think we have bigger problems!"

"I can't believe I am saying this, but I agree with the Saber! Oh God, I'm gonna be sick…" MHX says, getting a sharpened flag tip near her face.

"Don't you dare use his name you blonde wretch!" Jeanne says.

"Hey, I'm on your side!"

"Astolfo, get Medea's Master!" Vlad says.

"On it!"

"Is it safe for me to assume negotiations have fallen through and there will be asinine circumstances leading to a fight?" Saber asks while entering the door way, making Medea squeal in joy.

"Three blonde Sabers?!" Medea shouts before shouting in fright upon Jeanne's flag nearly impaling her, instead impaling her cloak to a pillar.

"I am a Ruler!"

"That explains the command seal amount."

"…Sounds like you we're a Ruler." Saber says, making a needle eyed Jeanne glare at her.

Saber raises her blade.

Jeanne recalls her flag.

"By my Command Seal, do not harm Saber!" Medea shouts.

"WHY?!" Jeanne shouts with her soul, making Saber laugh.

"Why are you laughing?" Emiya asks.

"When she was my Master, she issued an order that made me react the same way…it is rather delightful seeing the Saint get her comeuppance…or should I say 'justice poetique'~?" Saber asks, the last two words with a French accent, her smile faltering when Jeanne looks at her with twitching eyes…one of them turning yellow for a moment before she takes a deep breath.

"…My King, please stop taunting her…" Lancelot says.

Saber remains quiet as Roche enters the room.

"What's so important that you need me here? I was just about to finish a gol-" The swish of air breaking near him makes him stop. Looking down he sees his hand with Command Seals over Medea has been cut off.

He stares at his stump as Medea takes the hand and soon the command seals for herself, effectively freeing herself of all control.

Emiya, Kojiro, and Saber all pale.

Vlad stands and raises his spear at last.

"…I really do not want to shoot at a relative of Lady Aqua." Chiron says while readying his bow.

"That brat is here?" Medea asks.

"My hand!"

"Be quiet." Medea says before making another hand appear on his stump. Roche tinkers with it a bit and shoots out mana from it, now smiling fully.

"Oh Gods damn it Medea! I just talked him out of taking pot shots at every possible chance with his other hand!"

"Wait, his other hand is a- actually I don't really care enough….Oh Saaaaaber~!" Medea says while turning around, stopping at seeing Saber raise her blade above her head.

"EX-"



===



"…It appears Castle Yggdmillennia is in worse shape than we thought. They are missing a wall now." Semiramis says before bright beam of light is seen, making another wall evaporate, and causing everyone to come to the same conclusion.

'Saber is there.' They think with dread.

Semiramis glowers more when Gilgamesh places a hand on her shoulder.

"Set a course for that castle." He says.

"No."

"I'm not asking." Gilgamesh says.

"I'm not listening!" Semiramis says.

"That's a first." Atlanta says with crossed arms while leaning against a pillar, making Semiramis ball a fist.

"We have the Grail, we have no reason to seek a fight yet."

"Oh? I'm surprised you are not simply leaving with your prize." Gilgamesh says.

"The Grail is not my only purpose King of Heroes…but I would rather not deal with that Saber or her similarly deranged cohorts at this time…"

"A shame. I have plenty of matters to settle with both Saber and that Faker."

"Then you will do so on your own." Shirou says, purposefully tapping with the hand that has Gilgamesh's command seals.

"Hmph." Gilgamesh turns and walks to Achilles.

"…I'm not taking you there."

"I see no reason to respect your wishes…or are you really going to try and fight me?"

"…What about Lady Aqua?" Achilles asks, suppressing a smile as Gilgamesh flinches.

"What about her? You expect me to believe you are one of her followers?"

"No, but my teacher was on good terms with her, and I am sure she will be more than open to helping me if she were to hear you bother me."

"You coward…!"

"Not my fault you made your weakness so obvious…Why wouldn't I go after your… Achilles heel?" He asks with a smile, making everyone groan. Gilgamesh stares at him a moment before leaving.

'The TV is worse, the Shirou is worse, everything in this Grail War is worse…' He thinks.

"…Is it because of Vlad's recent additions to his legend you are resistant to approaching?" Karna asks.

"What recent additions? I thought he was a warlord?" Achilles asks.

"Yes, but his name is more famous from a vampire novel and subsequent similar works."

"What exactly is a vampire?" Achilles asks.

"A nocturnal creature that feeds by biting its victims and…" Karna trails off when he sees Achilles pales and shivers.

'This is the worst Grail War…' Achilles thinks.



===



"Let me go! Father needs help!" Mordred says as Cu and Fergus struggle to pull her back.

"She does not need help!" Kazuma shouts.

"He!"

"Are you kidding me?"

"If father is using Excalibur, he must be facing a truly troublesome foe!"

"Not our concern!"

"I agree with him…It would be better to wait for them to destroy each other." Kairi says.

"But we have plenty of firepower! We have 3 Sabers, 1 decent Caster, Jacky, and your party!" Mordred shouts.

"Don't include my party in plans, it'll only complicate things." Kazuma says, making Aqua pout, Megumin glower, and Darkness moan.

Rin looks at them flatly.

"…I am decent. Even without my Noble Phantasm-" Shakespeare says, making Jack and Mordred pale before continuing.

"I can enhance items and weapons to damage Servants."

"Wait, what?" Kazuma asks.

"I can enhance items and weapons. If you had a sword I could write about it as a blade that cuts anything, and it would harm Servants even if the wielder is human…that said, it would only be comparable to a C rank Noble Phantasm." Shakespeare says as Darkness grabs his shoulder.

"…Are you able to make a sword able to hit anything despite the wielder's inaccuracy?'

"I…think so? Though accuracy has never been an issue with swords."

"It is for me. Bless my blade!"

'…I'm actually curious if he can override Darkness' inability to hit anything.' Kazuma thinks as Aqua hands him his sword as Shakespeare writes.

"This blade is now blessed with the eye of the eagle, able to hit its mark by reversing causality!" He says and the blade glows brightly a moment, the light slowly fading to a slight glow upon Darkness' sword.

"You uncreative copycat! That's just plagiarism!" Cu shouts.

"…Do mine next." Kazuma says, shaking off a bad feeling.

"I christen your blade Fenrir's tooth! It can cut through anything!" Shakespeare says as Kazuma's blade begins to glow before quickly becoming dull.

"Strange…the glow should last a moment longer…does your sword already have a name?" Shakespeare asks and Kazuma frowns.

"I'd rather not-"

"I cannot change the name, but I can still enhance it if I know its true name."

"…Chunchunmaru." Kazuma says, getting a few giggles from most everyone present.

Even Jack struggles to keep her laughter in check.

Mordred just laughs outright.

"What kind of ridiculous name is that?" Shakespeare asks, paling when a giant earth hand grabs him.

"I chose that name." Megumin says.

"…Did I say ridiculous? I meant ridiculously amazing!"

Megumin doesn't believe him and tosses him into a tree.



===



"CALIBUR!" Saber shouts, erasing a wall from existence.

Unfortunately Medea and Jeanne are still alive.

One from avoiding, the other from shrugging it off.

"What?!"

"I am Servant who could easily be in a situation to fight 14 Servants. You think you alone can kill me, Queen of Blights?" Jeanne says, making Artoria grit her teeth before having to dodge a spike meant to impale her.

"This is far enough! Though I can understand your fury Saber, I cannot-"

"HER fury?!" Jeanne shouts, drawing Vlad's glare.

'J-Jeanne I think you need to take a deep breath!' Leticia says.

'I need to kill something…and I know who~.'

'But what about the Command Seal?' Leticia asks in Jeanne's head.

'…God damn it!'

'Oh wow, you are angry…'

"…Perhaps this is a blessing in disguise?" Lancelot says, drawing confused and enraged looks from everyone present.

"Why do you say that Lancelot?" Emiya asks, his blades in hand.

"Wasn't one of your goals to kill someone? Sure, it's a bit unconventional having Ruler lose her Ruler status, but having another Servant in the hunt for-"

"Don't say his name Lancelot!" Saber shouts.

"Why? What would be the issue in saying Kazuma's name my King?"

"Kazuma's here?!" Medea asks, making Saber frown.

"…They were comrades in the last war." Emiya says.

"…I truly made error haven't I?" Lancelot asks, Artoria's silence all the answer he needs; that and Medea firing a shot of magic through the ceiling to act as a firework.

"You will die here!" Vlad shouts.

"By my Command Seal, find and drink holy water!" Medea says and Vlad starts walking out of the room, looking for holy water, muttering the entire time. Musashi kicks Kojiro out a window.

"Sorry!"

"I'll find you…" Kojiro mutters from outside.

"Musashi, grab Saber premium! We have to go!"

"I am not- wait…premium?" Jeanne asks with rising dread.

"Because you're curvier!"

'Leticia, is murder still a sin?' Jeanne asks as Musashi hefts her onto her shoulder.

'Yes…But I'm not sure God can judge you too harshly after the last few days.'

"…For what it is worth Saint, I would not wish this on you." Saber says while keeping distance away from the fleeing Medea and Musashi.

"Wait…why are we taking her with us?" Musashi asks.

"Look at her. She'll look good in so many outfits!"

"Sweet a model sister!"

"…I think I'm starting to miss being burned at the stake…"



===



"Oh my God…I think that's Medea!" Kazuma says upon seeing the magic salvo.

"…How many Servants does that make now?" Cu asks.

"The better question…is the Witch of Betrayal single?" Fergus asks with a hand at his chin.

"She prefers her guys leaner." Cu says.

"Oh my, I didn't know you already met her~."

"Not like that…I accidentally killed her master who was also her darling."

"Oh…"

"Aqua, use create water!" Kazuma says.

"Why?"

"So Medea can find us!"

"I…don't think that's a good idea Kazuma. Medea isn't exactly the nicest person after her failed marriage."

"We already met before and are basically friends."

"…Figures you would make friends with her. I'm gonna go some distance away so we don't broadcast our hideout's exact spot." Aqua says before casting 'create water' some distance away. A few minutes later Medea arrives with Musashi and a sullen Jeanne.

"How did you get yourself dragged into another Grail War young man?"

"I blame humanity."

"…Alaya?" Medea asks and Kazuma gives a thumbs up.

"…Feel like I'm missing something here…" Musashi says.

"Let me go…" Jeanne growls.

"Not until you try these on!" Medea says, bringing out a bag of clothes.

"Where did that come from?! We didn't stop by a store!"

"It's magic~."

"…Not like this can be any worse than learning everything I knew about God was wrong."

"You weren't wrong. The God in the bible is real." Aqua says, making Jeanne smile with tears in her eyes.

"Oh thank the Lord, it isn't you!"

"Yeah, but he's a real bastard." Aqua says, making everyone but Darkness and Megumin look at her aghast.

"He doesn't really do much anymore aside from drink the best wine, not sharing said wine, and personally 'interviewing' curvy women in his office before sending them to Heaven." Aqua says making Avicebron lean against a wall with a groan, and making Jeanne go limp on Musashi's shoulder while crying slightly.

Shakespeare writes every word, causing smoke to appear from his paper.

"It has to be fake…this can't be real…It just can't…"

"I'm sure you'll meet him one day! You're just his type! He loves busty blondes!" Aqua says with a big smile making Jeanne groan and cry while clutching her head before covering her ears.

Kazuma grabs Aqua's shoulder.

"I think she's been through enough…"

"She religious or something?"

"…She's the Saint of Orleans, Jeanne D'arc." Kazuma says, making Aqua pale.

"…The armor and her episode when she learned you caused the flood didn't give you a hint?" Rin asks.

"She caused what?" Avicebron, Shakespeare, and Mordred ask at the same time.

"I thought she was a cosplayer since she gave us directions…" Aqua says.

"O-on the Brightside, you're not going to Hell!" Musashi says.

"I'm already in Hell…"

'Can't make her dress up now…' Medea thinks with a frown at seeing the Saint smile and laugh with hollow eyes.

"I can show her Heav-"

"Fergus no!" Rin and Cu say at the same time, making Fergus slouch and grunt in sad disapproval.

 

[alextheconqueror]

'…Is there a hero that can do this?' Leticia asks.

'If there is, I have not heard of them.' Jeanne thinks while looking at the rows of geometrical nest houses in dozens of trees, rereading the sign that says 'Avian-lon" before a group of twig suit clad birds fly toward Jeanne, landing on a branch level with Jeanne's face.

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There's a bird version of the guy with the flute that controls rats? I never remember his name

"Gweetings, Saint of Orleans."

'Awwww!' Leticia thinks in Jeanne's head.

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That's incredibly cute

"If are you gwing to ask about our new found ability to speak your twongue, even with some troubles, our crow brethren deciphered your language and taught us…as for why, we are nwot entirely sure. We dew have stories from fworefathers, but that is not the purpose in our message to yew…"

"Then…what is your purpose?"

'Oh Lord, I'm talking with birds…'

'…Are we a princess now?'

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This is not disney, and thank god for that

'Is there a single rule these people haven't broken? Least it can't get more absurd.'

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When I find it I will tell you

"It is enroawching on our air space and plummeting the value of our homes. We seek your aid in destrowing it!"

"…You're doing this for real estate prices?"

"Ywes!"

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Understandable, have a nice day

"Is it nwot your role to mwaintain some order in this war? And what order can there be if one side already has a gwail?"

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Tbf, the black faction was the one that had it before and the battle was to recover it

"The Red faction has a grail? How would that even be possible?" Jeanne asks with crossed arms. The bird tweets and another arrives with a photograph, struggling to fly up to Jeanne with it. On the picture are Shirou, Semiramis, and Gilgamesh talking around a table with the grail.

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Is this the normal grail or Gilhamesh's grail?

'Are…you ok Jeanne?'

'I just got pigeonholed into helping literal pigeons, and back to dealing with those two walking blonde migraines…I think I'm going to have that backrub when I return.' Jeanne thinks, and Leticia squeals in joy.

'You're no Saint~.'

'I'm not letting you take control when it happens.' Jeanne thinks, making Leticia gasp in horror and betrayal.

'You're no Saint!'

'I never claimed to be one…~'

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She got you there Leticia

Caelus finds himself in front of Medea's room, still unsure what to say. Fran nudges him.

'It won't get easier if you wait. I doubt she'll attack you.'

"I know…but I am not that good at consoling people…especially for such unique reasons." He says before knocking on the door.

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You are too good for this war Caelus

"It's open!" Medea yells back in an oddly chipper tone. Caelus and Fran enter the room, both of them stunned at the sight before them.

Musashi is in a checkered two piece race girl outfit, complete with long boots and a flag posing as Medea takes pictures.

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Knew it, also glad that Medea agrees that Musashi rocks the americanized look

"…I was going to try and cheer you up, but I see that is not needed now." Caelus says, trying not to look at Musashi as she stays leaning on a box, her other twin blades barely contained.

"Oh…I'm actually quite sad…but I know how you can help~." Medea says before looking at Fran, a dress in her other hand.

'Oh God…She's just like Fergus!'

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Nah, one wants to bed you the other wants to bed/marry you. Funny thing you just needed to say you are not interested and he would stop, struggling against him is like foreplay, like every celts mate ritual.

'…I doubt she'll attack you.' Caelus thinks with a grin, getting a glare from Fran as he is dragged out of the room.

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I give it a 50/50

"We must return to the castle and-"

"No." Emiya says, cutting off Kojiro.

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Maintain that attitude, you will need it

"…Can I at least walk?" MHX asks with flat eyes.

"Will you go off and attack someone?"

"…I'll try not to."

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Let's see how long it lasts

Kojiro lets MHX back on the ground and she tears up.

Then she draws her blade.

"It hasn't even been 5 seconds! What is making you-"

"Archer…" Artoria says, Lancelot next to her with his blade ready in one hand, and an unconscious Gordes in the other as he stares down MHX.

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Her saber radar is inmaculate

"Why are you so far away from the castle?"

"We are now the F-" Lancelot stops when Artoria presses her sword against his neck.

"That…is not important now. How goes your search for that wretch?"

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They are french now

"No progress yet."

"Would you welcome aid in the endeavor?"

"Yes…I would like at least one sane person."

"I'm sane!" Kojiro and MHX say at the same time, making the other look flatly at the other.

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You are not, neither is Artoria

"I'm Emiya."

"Lancelot." He says, taking the hand after dropping Gordes to the ground, freezing at the groan a moment before picking him back up.

'Never expected Lancelot to have such grim armor…' Emiya thinks before filling them in on what little they know.

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He has a more white knight-ish look as a Saber

"Why won't you die?!" Mordred shouts as she is parried once more.

"How can I die against a pretty girl trying to kill me? What kind of man do you think I am?!" Fergus shouts, momentarily stunning Mordred before they continue.

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That's Sigurd type of logic, kinda based

"…How long do you think they can keep this up?" Kazuma asks.

"Going by his appearance, I think Fergus can easily go a few days." Cu says.

"I'd say the same with Mordred." Kairi says.

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Yeah, their endurance is hiiigh

"…So why was the blonde knight panting again?" Jack asks, making Kairi mutter something about walking his skeleton and Cu goes outside.

"She has a habit of lowering her guard on her left side!" He shouts.

"Thanks Cu!"

"Bastard!" Mordred says.

"Isn't that you?" Cu asks with a smirk and one eye closed, making Mordred now take a swing at him and making it a three way brawl.

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Surprised it took this long

'You bastards left me alone with this question!...But I know how to handle this…~' Kazuma thinks before going over to Darkness and placing a hand on her shoulder.

"She can explain."

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The brain of the group everybody

Reika pinches Jack's cheek.

"That's enough Jack, you know what sex is, so stop teasing the depraved young man."

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But little troll Jackie was priceless

"…You do know she is the collective of London's abused and forgotten orphans right? What do you think happened to some of them?"

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That0s dark

"…So she was just making us uncomfortable on purpose?" Kazuma asks before looking down at a smirking Jack.

Kazuma raises his hand.

Rin points a finger gun at him.

"I was going to steal her water." Kazuma says, making Jack squeak.

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Not taking any chances

"Thanks big sis!" Jack says, making Rin look away.

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Her desire to be a big sister overpowered her

"Have you checked the graveyard?" Saber asks.

"He refuses because I suggested that earlier." MHX says.

"Never mind then, I am sure there is nothing there." Saber says, making MHX start to unsheathe her blade again.

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This is like Abridged Alucard and the Nazis. the fact that both MHX and Crimson Fucker are right make it better

'Not sure I like seeing an alternate version of myself handled by him…especially after what he told me what transpired that one night in an abandoned-' Saber stops the thought when bile starts to rise in her throat. Then she sees Jeanne approach them sullenly from afar.

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Let's be honest you are just grossed because he is an alternate version of Shirou Emiya

Saber raises her blade.

She feels something warm land on her head, dripping down her face, others nearby looking in shock and disgust.

Except MHX who smiles broadly.

"Oh God…" Saber mutters before another warm plop lands on her head, now making Jeanne smile.

'Worth delaying that backrub~.' Jeanne thinks.

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Agreed

'Briseur de Serment!' Leticia thinks at her.

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Why are you calling her Oathbreaker? She wasn't even going to let you take control during it

"…After everything, you think I would agree?" Artoria asks.

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Weren't you the one that started all hostilities?

"You would have an opportunity to kill the King of Heroes." Jeanne says, making Artoria pause.

"Well?"

"I'm listening…"

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And that's how you convince an Artoria

"I see little point in this endeavor. Does the Red side even have any Sabers?" MHX asks.

"…They have servants who could become Sabers." Jeanne says.

"Absurd, a Servant can't change class mid war." Emiya says.

"I did." Lancelot says.

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I still doubt it actually worked

"Yes I became a Caster and got a self sufficient core now without a- woah!" Lancelot dodges Kojiro's blade.

"You must die!"

"Why?!"

"All Casters must die!" Kojiro says as MHX slashes at Lancelot.

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Lancelot messing it up, story as old as time

"If you can become a Caster, then it is only a matter of time before you become a vile Saber!" MHX says before taking another swing, only to be stopped by Artoria.

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He is already a qualified Saber though

"You will not harm him. That is my privilege!"

"My king!" Lancelot says with tears coming out of his helm as he holds back Kojiro's blade.

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This would be more heartfelt if not for how ridiculous it is

Emiya and Jeanne cup their heads at the sight before them.

"Sorry about my colleagues…"

"Don't worry about it…I have little love for those two…"

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Neither of us

"But I am curious how you plan to approach them when they have aerial superiority."

"They don' have aerial superiority." Jeanne says with a vacant smile, confusing Emiya as another warm dropping land on Artoria.

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HA!

Astolfo meets them again by the gate, looking flatly at Ruler.

"I really don't think Vlady will take those three back…or these two….how do you keep getting servants?"

"That's not why I am here…"

"…Ok. I'll get them." Astolfo says.

"You're not going to try and dissuade me?"

"It'll be more fun this way~." He says and a few minutes later Vlad is squinting at Jeanne, occasionally looking at Saber.

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Classic Astolfo

"We are not taking them back…and why are there two more servants?"

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Are you even surprised at this point? You did the same

"We're Counter Guardians…her as well." Emiya says, gesturing to MHX.

"We are not breaking any rules or threatening humanity." Darnic says.

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We both know that's a long shot

"…This is…quite a surprise. I do not know what we can do, but we should include Caster and Saber in this discussion. I am sure she can help. Caelus?"

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I wouldn't do this if I was you

Saber turns to leave the room.

"Where are you-" Emiya starts to ask but Saber ignores him.

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I'll tell you where, far from here

A minute later, Medea enters along with Musashi in a blue cocktail dress, and Musashi freezes with pale cheeks at seeing Kojiro.

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Yeah, here it comes

Medea stops upon seeing MHX, smiling at her and making MHX shiver.

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Don't worry you are a comedy character, she can't mindbreak you or even lewd you, wait this is a fanfic, RUN MHX, RUN!!

"I will handle the Saber."

"No you will not…she is mine." Kojiro says, making Musashi look away a moment.

"…I think I would rather fight the Saber then this grinning Caster."

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This one is personal

"Allow me to guess…met in the prior war?" Vlad asks with a hand at his head as Kojiro and MHX charge forward, trying to kill Musashi and Medea.

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More like prior life in Musashi and Kojiro's case but yeah, basically

'Take care of Kojiro, I'll distract her~.'

'I…would rather not fight him…' Musashi thinks while evading and parrying Kojiro.

'What? But you defeating him is a core part of your legend!' Medea thinks while blasting MHX back with a burst of mana.

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Well, that's male PHH Musashi, female Musashi is a variant that travelled between worlds until she died in Shimousa after fighting Kojiro. and I mean both died as result of the battle

"Enough! We are not here to fight, we have a common enemy and-"

Jeanne startles when Medea suddenly appears in front of her with a jagged knife, bringing the knife onto Jeanne's shoulder, making everyone stare open mouthed.

"Are you insane?!" Darnic shouts.

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We clarified she is a long time ago

"I don't want to hurt you Saber~." Medea says.

"I'm not a Saber."

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Yeah we only saw her as a Lancer

"That is not-" Jeanne stops the same time as 31 command seals appear on Medea's arm.

"…What in the…" Jeanne and Medea mutter at the same time in wide eyed shock.

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And here we are, rule breaking again

"Medea…do you have any idea what you just did?" Emiya asks.

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No she didn't

"Not an inkling…I thought she was a Saber or Lancer Servant…why are there so many Command Seals?! Who are- AH!" Jeanne's fist smashes into Medea's face, blood dripping down her face now as she returns to the air.

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See, and being honest kinda deserved

"Die Musashi!" Kojiro shouts while slashing away.

"C-can we do this later, I think we have bigger problems!"

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Like he cares at this point

"I can't believe I am saying this, but I agree with the Saber! Oh God, I'm gonna be sick…" MHX says, getting a sharpened flag tip near her face.

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That took a toll on you huh

"Don't you dare use his name you blonde wretch!" Jeanne says.

"Hey, I'm on your side!"

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As I said before, like she cares a this point

"Three blonde Sabers?!" Medea shouts before shouting in fright upon Jeanne's flag nearly impaling her, instead impaling her cloak to a pillar.

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Only one of them is a Saber, two if we count Mordred but she didn't saw him, we need to be glad she didn't saw Artoria Lily

"I am a Ruler!"

"That explains the command seal amount."

"…Sounds like you we're a Ruler." Saber says, making a needle eyed Jeanne glare at her.

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Poking the nest the first chance you got

"By my Command Seal, do not harm Saber!" Medea shouts.

"WHY?!" Jeanne shouts with her soul, making Saber laugh.

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Huh, deja vu

"Why are you laughing?" Emiya asks.

"When she was my Master, she issued an order that made me react the same way…it is rather delightful seeing the Saint get her comeuppance…or should I say 'justice poetique'~?" Saber asks, the last two words with a French accent, her smile faltering when Jeanne looks at her with twitching eyes…one of them turning yellow for a moment before she takes a deep breath.

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It's not Poetic justice when you were and still are clearly the villain here, alongside Medea but being in different sides

"What's so important that you need me here? I was just about to finish a gol-" The swish of air breaking near him makes him stop. Looking down he sees his hand with Command Seals over Medea has been cut off.

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That was completely unnecessary, you only needed to use Rule breaker, you know, like you did with your last summoner


He stares at his stump as Medea takes the hand and soon the command seals for herself, effectively freeing herself of all control.

Emiya, Kojiro, and Saber all pale.

Vlad stands and raises his spear at last.
[/QUOTE]
Why didn't you did something before!? You could had ended this from the start with your broken NP when in Romania!

"…I really do not want to shoot at a relative of Lady Aqua." Chiron says while readying his bow.

"That brat is here?" Medea asks.

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Appropiate answer to Aqua being here

"My hand!"

"Be quiet." Medea says before making another hand appear on his stump. Roche tinkers with it a bit and shoots out mana from it, now smiling fully.

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...I'm seeing a pattern

"Oh Gods damn it Medea! I just talked him out of taking pot shots at every possible chance with his other hand!"

"Wait, his other hand is a- actually I don't really care enough….Oh Saaaaaber~!" Medea says while turning around, stopping at seeing Saber raise her blade above her head.

"EX-"

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This casttle is not surviving more of this

"…It appears Castle Yggdmillennia is in worse shape than we thought. They are missing a wall now." Semiramis says before bright beam of light is seen, making another wall evaporate, and causing everyone to come to the same conclusion.

'Saber is there.' They think with dread.

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Again, understandable reaction

"Set a course for that castle." He says.

"No."

"I'm not asking." Gilgamesh says.

"I'm not listening!" Semiramis says.

"That's a first." Atlanta says with crossed arms while leaning against a pillar, making Semiramis ball a fist.

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Ha, got you there

"We have the Grail, we have no reason to seek a fight yet."

"Oh? I'm surprised you are not simply leaving with your prize." Gilgamesh says.

"The Grail is not my only purpose King of Heroes…but I would rather not deal with that Saber or her similarly deranged cohorts at this time…"

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Shame you are the main villain, you feel like a good fella

"A shame. I have plenty of matters to settle with both Saber and that Faker."

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Are you still salty about your death and rejection? I mean kinda valid but come one

"Then you will do so on your own." Shirou says, purposefully tapping with the hand that has Gilgamesh's command seals.

"Hmph." Gilgamesh turns and walks to Achilles.

"…I'm not taking you there."

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Also don't you have Vimana? You know a fucing spaceship that you used as a flying throne because you wanted to stylish

"I see no reason to respect your wishes…or are you really going to try and fight me?"

"…What about Lady Aqua?" Achilles asks, suppressing a smile as Gilgamesh flinches.

"What about her? You expect me to believe you are one of her followers?"

"No, but my teacher was on good terms with her, and I am sure she will be more than open to helping me if she were to hear you bother me."

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Damm, Achilles disrespecting the king like nothing, this is why you are goated

"Not my fault you made your weakness so obvious…Why wouldn't I go after your… Achilles heel?" He asks with a smile, making everyone groan. Gilgamesh stares at him a moment before leaving.

'The TV is worse, the Shirou is worse, everything in this Grail War is worse…' He thinks.

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Quantity over quality brother, not my fault you are used to both

"…Is it because of Vlad's recent additions to his legend you are resistant to approaching?" Karna asks.

"What recent additions? I thought he was a warlord?" Achilles asks.

"Yes, but his name is more famous from a vampire novel and subsequent similar works."

"What exactly is a vampire?" Achilles asks.

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Something like, a syren I guess? I know Greece had a vampire equivalent monster

'This is the worst Grail War…' Achilles thinks.

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Be glad you aren't in snowfield

"Let me go! Father needs help!" Mordred says as Cu and Fergus struggle to pull her back.

"She does not need help!" Kazuma shouts.

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She actually doesn't

"If father is using Excalibur, he must be facing a truly troublesome foe!"

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Or a pest she wants squished

"I agree with him…It would be better to wait for them to destroy each other." Kairi says.

"But we have plenty of firepower! We have 3 Sabers, 1 decent Caster, Jacky, and your party!" Mordred shouts.

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He even counted Shakespeare

"Don't include my party in plans, it'll only complicate things." Kazuma says, making Aqua pout, Megumin glower, and Darkness moan.

Rin looks at them flatly.

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He isn't even lying

"…I am decent. Even without my Noble Phantasm-" Shakespeare says, making Jack and Mordred pale before continuing.

"I can enhance items and weapons to damage Servants."

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Yeah, the writers are OP as supports

"I can enhance items and weapons. If you had a sword I could write about it as a blade that cuts anything, and it would harm Servants even if the wielder is human…that said, it would only be comparable to a C rank Noble Phantasm." Shakespeare says as Darkness grabs his shoulder.

"…Are you able to make a sword able to hit anything despite the wielder's inaccuracy?'

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Yes he can, and that's just hrunting

"It is for me. Bless my blade!"

'…I'm actually curious if he can override Darkness' inability to hit anything.' Kazuma thinks as Aqua hands him his sword as Shakespeare writes.

"This blade is now blessed with the eye of the eagle, able to hit its mark by reversing causality!" He says and the blade glows brightly a moment, the light slowly fading to a slight glow upon Darkness' sword.

"You uncreative copycat! That's just plagiarism!" Cu shouts.

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And I'm surprised he didn't go for Hrunting, but yours is better though

"I christen your blade Fenrir's tooth! It can cut through anything!" Shakespeare says as Kazuma's blade begins to glow before quickly becoming dull.

"Strange…the glow should last a moment longer…does your sword already have a name?" Shakespeare asks and Kazuma frowns.

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Oh poor boy

"I cannot change the name, but I can still enhance it if I know its true name."

"…Chunchunmaru." Kazuma says, getting a few giggles from most everyone present.

Even Jack struggles to keep her laughter in check.

Mordred just laughs outright.

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Yeah, expected it

"What kind of ridiculous name is that?" Shakespeare asks, paling when a giant earth hand grabs him.

"I chose that name." Megumin says.

"…Did I say ridiculous? I meant ridiculously amazing!"

Megumin doesn't believe him and tosses him into a tree.

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The name is ridiculous Megumin, accept it

"CALIBUR!" Saber shouts, erasing a wall from existence.

Unfortunately Medea and Jeanne are still alive.

One from avoiding, the other from shrugging it off.

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Not surprided, doesn't look like that killed anyone besides Gilgamesh

"What?!"

"I am Servant who could easily be in a situation to fight 14 Servants. You think you alone can kill me, Queen of Blights?" Jeanne says, making Artoria grit her teeth before having to dodge a spike meant to impale her.

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Yeah, Ruler is the second best to fight other heroes, just behind Savers

"This is far enough! Though I can understand your fury Saber, I cannot-"

"HER fury?!" Jeanne shouts, drawing Vlad's glare.

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Honestly, valid crashout

'J-Jeanne I think you need to take a deep breath!' Leticia says.

'I need to kill something…and I know who~.'

'But what about the Command Seal?' Leticia asks in Jeanne's head.

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Magic resistance exists for a reason

"…Perhaps this is a blessing in disguise?" Lancelot says, drawing confused and enraged looks from everyone present.

"Why do you say that Lancelot?" Emiya asks, his blades in hand.

"Wasn't one of your goals to kill someone? Sure, it's a bit unconventional having Ruler lose her Ruler status, but having another Servant in the hunt for-"

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I know where this is going and I just need to say, TELL HER LANCELOT!

"Don't say his name Lancelot!" Saber shouts.

"Why? What would be the issue in saying Kazuma's name my King?"

"Kazuma's here?!" Medea asks, making Saber frown.

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HE SAID IT!

"…They were comrades in the last war." Emiya says.

"…I truly made error haven't I?" Lancelot asks, Artoria's silence all the answer he needs; that and Medea firing a shot of magic through the ceiling to act as a firework.

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For Saber yes, for me, you did good

"By my Command Seal, find and drink holy water!" Medea says and Vlad starts walking out of the room, looking for holy water, muttering the entire time. Musashi kicks Kojiro out a window.

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That's diabolical

"Musashi, grab Saber premium! We have to go!"

"I am not- wait…premium?" Jeanne asks with rising dread.

"Because you're curvier!"

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She may not be a saber but she sure is premium, we also have an actual Saber in Lakhsmii Bai, wich is basically tanned Jeanne

'Leticia, is murder still a sin?' Jeanne asks as Musashi hefts her onto her shoulder.

'Yes…But I'm not sure God can judge you too harshly after the last few days.'

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If anything he would commend your patience

"…For what it is worth Saint, I would not wish this on you." Saber says while keeping distance away from the fleeing Medea and Musashi.

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But not enough to try to help her huh

"Wait…why are we taking her with us?" Musashi asks.

"Look at her. She'll look good in so many outfits!"

"Sweet a model sister!"

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Not surprised Musashi is into this

"…I think I'm starting to miss being burned at the stake…"

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Harsh but fair

"Oh my God…I think that's Medea!" Kazuma says upon seeing the magic salvo.

"…How many Servants does that make now?" Cu asks.

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I lost count after 17

"The better question…is the Witch of Betrayal single?" Fergus asks with a hand at his chin.

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I mean technically

"She prefers her guys leaner." Cu says.

"Oh my, I didn't know you already met her~."

"Not like that…I accidentally killed her master who was also her darling."

"Oh…"

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Yeah, not the best first impression

"Aqua, use create water!" Kazuma says.

"Why?"

"So Medea can find us!"

"I…don't think that's a good idea Kazuma. Medea isn't exactly the nicest person after her failed marriage."

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That's downplaying it

"We already met before and are basically friends."

"…Figures you would make friends with her. I'm gonna go some distance away so we don't broadcast our hideout's exact spot." Aqua says before casting 'create water' some distance away. A few minutes later Medea arrives with Musashi and a sullen Jeanne.

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I mean, are you surprised? They are very similar, though Kazuma is less, you know, "evil"

"How did you get yourself dragged into another Grail War young man?"

"I blame humanity."

"…Alaya?" Medea asks and Kazuma gives a thumbs up.

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I love how she rolls with it XD

"…Feel like I'm missing something here…" Musashi says.

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An explanation for later

"Not until you try these on!" Medea says, bringing out a bag of clothes.

"Where did that come from?! We didn't stop by a store!"

"It's magic~."

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Yeah, that tracks

"…Not like this can be any worse than learning everything I knew about God was wrong."

"You weren't wrong. The God in the bible is real." Aqua says, making Jeanne smile with tears in her eyes.

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I feel a but here

"Oh thank the Lord, it isn't you!"

"Yeah, but he's a real bastard." Aqua says, making everyone but Darkness and Megumin look at her aghast.

"He doesn't really do much anymore aside from drink the best wine, not sharing said wine, and personally 'interviewing' curvy women in his office before sending them to Heaven." Aqua says making Avicebron lean against a wall with a groan, and making Jeanne go limp on Musashi's shoulder while crying slightly.

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I wouldn't believe Aqua in Jeanne's place, in part because it's Aqua and in part because I know that the bible god is playing 4d chess against Outer gods to avoid them invading the planet
Yes, this is the lore, yes the angels were made to fight outer gods, and the most funny part, they have a a martial arts style called Jacobs limb and somehow Saint Martha knows it

Shakespeare writes every word, causing smoke to appear from his paper.

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Not judging him, this is peak for him

"It has to be fake…this can't be real…It just can't…"

"I'm sure you'll meet him one day! You're just his type! He loves busty blondes!" Aqua says with a big smile making Jeanne groan and cry while clutching her head before covering her ears.

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Not helping!

Kazuma grabs Aqua's shoulder.

"I think she's been through enough…"

"She religious or something?"

"…She's the Saint of Orleans, Jeanne D'arc." Kazuma says, making Aqua pale.

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And here comes the consequences of your actions

"…The armor and her episode when she learned you caused the flood didn't give you a hint?" Rin asks.

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She's Aqua, obviously not

"She caused what?" Avicebron, Shakespeare, and Mordred ask at the same time.

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Story for another time

"O-on the Brightside, you're not going to Hell!" Musashi says.

"I'm already in Hell…"

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Ouch, this is really her bottom

'Can't make her dress up now…' Medea thinks with a frown at seeing the Saint smile and laugh with hollow eyes.

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Color me impressed, she have limits

"I can show her Heav-"

"Fergus no!" Rin and Cu say at the same time, making Fergus slouch and grunt in sad disapproval.

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Not the time bro

 

[l---erddad---l]

I wouldn't believe Aqua in Jeanne's place, in part because it's Aqua and in part because I know that the bible god is playing 4d chess against Outer gods to avoid them invading the planet
Yes, this is the lore, yes the angels were made to fight outer gods, and the most funny part, they have a a martial arts style called Jacobs limb and somehow Saint Martha knows it

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I believe you are mixing up the Nasuverse with the Dresden Files, possibly from the Nasuverse/Dresden Files crossover where Dresden is summoned in the 4th HGW?

In the Nasuverse, we know less about God than we know about the Buddha, and all we know about the Buddha is that he's real, he's just the canonical-to-Buddhism Buddha, and you can summon a lesser version of him from the Throne of Heroes.

God, meanwhile, we know exists, we know is either an aspect of the Counter Force or is an aspect of the Root. Past that we have very little knowledge about God's actual existence in the nasuverse.

 

[alextheconqueror]

I believe you are mixing up the Nasuverse with the Dresden Files, possibly from the Nasuverse/Dresden Files crossover where Dresden is summoned in the 4th HGW?

In the Nasuverse, we know less about God than we know about the Buddha, and all we know about the Buddha is that he's real, he's just the canonical-to-Buddhism Buddha, and you can summon a lesser version of him from the Throne of Heroes.

God, meanwhile, we know exists, we know is either an aspect of the Counter Force or is an aspect of the Root. Past that we have very little knowledge about God's actual existence in the nasuverse.

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We actually learned more about Godthanks to Metatron Jeanne and some side lore about Jacob's limbs, like the fact that the angels(who can act as mystic codes as seen with Metatron Jeanne) were made by him, at least the normal ones, we also can inquire from the creation of Jacobs limbs that they are made to be warriors in most parts since Jacob's limb was made from wrestling an Angel.
I'll be honest I don't know where I read the "God is fighting outer gods" but I know it had nothing to do with that crossover, mainly by the fact that I don't even know, read or even are interested in Dresden files nor even knew that crossover existed.
Ngl I use it more as a headcanon than anything since I also am not sure about if it's canon or fanon since how hard it's to differentiate it in the Nasuverse but wouldn't be surprised if it's actually true
Still willing to believe this more than whatever Aqua says though, because It's Aqua

 

[Davos]

These last 3 comments made me realize I need to get back to fgo...At least I think that's where the God lore came from?

 

[alextheconqueror]

These last 3 comments made me realize I need to get back to fgo...At least I think that's where the God lore came from?

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Mostly yes, also It's weird that I can see God acting as the better Counter force he is and sending someone to mitigate all this train wrecks happening? Only to also take a piece out of Aqua(verbally) who really likes to mud the reputation of any God she can
I can't stop thinking about this, Davos make this happen even if it's an Omake and my soul is yours

 

[Davos]

Mostly yes, also It's weird that I can see God acting as the better Counter force he is and sending someone to mitigate all this train wrecks happening? Only to also take a piece out of Aqua(verbally) who really likes to mud the reputation of any God she can
I can't stop thinking about this, Davos make this happen even if it's an Omake and my soul is yours

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A very tempting idea.

 

[alextheconqueror]

A very tempting idea.

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If you do, I recommend you trying with Saint Martha for the funny saint that suplex dragons or Noah because Aqua is here and he was the one to clean her mess