Cu-nosuba: God’s Blessing on This Lancer’s Holy Grail War!

[l---erddad---l]

Your exponent system has me curious...You mind explaining it?

Click to shrink...

Each time it reaches a new level of crack, multiplying the previous crack, I add another.

I don't remember all of them, but I know the baseline was the Konosuba vibe the fic had, one of them was the crazy amount of sex that was happening, I think one of the breaking points was the sex line plot but I don't fully remember, and the most recent breaking point was stealing all of Ruler's command seals.

Actually, orders of magnitude is probably more accurate. So it's Crack*e5

 

[Davos]

"What in the world?!" Darnic shouts.

"Medea…do you have any idea what you just did?" Emiya asks.

"Not an inkling…I thought she was a Saber or Lancer Servant…why are there so many Command Seals?! Who are- AH!" Jeanne's fist smashes into Medea's face, blood dripping down her face now as she returns to the air.

"Die Musashi!" Kojiro shouts while slashing away.

"C-can we do this later, I think we have bigger problems!"

"I can't believe I am saying this, but I agree with the Saber! Oh God, I'm gonna be sick…" MHX says, getting a sharpened flag tip near her face.

"Don't you dare use his name you blonde wretch!" Jeanne says.

"Hey, I'm on your side!"

"Astolfo, get Medea's Master!" Vlad says.

"On it!"

"Is it safe for me to assume negotiations have fallen through and there will be asinine circumstances leading to a fight?" Saber asks while entering the door way, making Medea squeal in joy.

"Three blonde Sabers?!" Medea shouts before shouting in fright upon Jeanne's flag nearly impaling her, instead impaling her cloak to a pillar.

"I am a Ruler!"

"That explains the command seal amount."

"…Sounds like you we're a Ruler." Saber says, making a needle eyed Jeanne glare at her.

Saber raises her blade.

Jeanne recalls her flag.

"By my Command Seal, do not harm Saber!" Medea shouts.

"WHY?!" Jeanne shouts with her soul, making Saber laugh.

"Why are you laughing?" Emiya asks.

"When she was my Master, she issued an order that made me react the same way…it is rather delightful seeing the Saint get her comeuppance…or should I say 'justice poetique'~?" Saber asks, the last two words with a French accent, her smile faltering when Jeanne looks at her with twitching eyes…one of them turning yellow for a moment before she takes a deep breath.

"…My King, please stop taunting her…" Lancelot says.

Saber remains quiet as Roche enters the room.

"What's so important that you need me here? I was just about to finish a gol-" The swish of air breaking near him makes him stop. Looking down he sees his hand with Command Seals over Medea has been cut off.

He stares at his stump as Medea takes the hand and soon the command seals for herself, effectively freeing herself of all control.

Emiya, Kojiro, and Saber all pale.

Vlad stands and raises his spear at last.

"…I really do not want to shoot at a relative of Lady Aqua." Chiron says while readying his bow.

"That brat is here?" Medea asks.

"My hand!"

"Be quiet." Medea says before making another hand appear on his stump. Roche tinkers with it a bit and shoots out mana from it, now smiling fully.

"Oh Gods damn it Medea! I just talked him out of taking pot shots at every possible chance with his other hand!"

"Wait, his other hand is a- actually I don't really care enough….Oh Saaaaaber~!" Medea says while turning around, stopping at seeing Saber raise her blade above her head.

"EX-"



===



"…It appears Castle Yggdmillennia is in worse shape than we thought. They are missing a wall now." Semiramis says before bright beam of light is seen, making another wall evaporate, and causing everyone to come to the same conclusion.

'Saber is there.' They think with dread.

Semiramis glowers more when Gilgamesh places a hand on her shoulder.

"Set a course for that castle." He says.

"No."

"I'm not asking." Gilgamesh says.

"I'm not listening!" Semiramis says.

"That's a first." Atlanta says with crossed arms while leaning against a pillar, making Semiramis ball a fist.

"We have the Grail, we have no reason to seek a fight yet."

"Oh? I'm surprised you are not simply leaving with your prize." Gilgamesh says.

"The Grail is not my only purpose King of Heroes…but I would rather not deal with that Saber or her similarly deranged cohorts at this time…"

"A shame. I have plenty of matters to settle with both Saber and that Faker."

"Then you will do so on your own." Shirou says, purposefully tapping with the hand that has Gilgamesh's command seals.

"Hmph." Gilgamesh turns and walks to Achilles.

"…I'm not taking you there."

"I see no reason to respect your wishes…or are you really going to try and fight me?"

"…What about Lady Aqua?" Achilles asks, suppressing a smile as Gilgamesh flinches.

"What about her? You expect me to believe you are one of her followers?"

"No, but my teacher was on good terms with her, and I am sure she will be more than open to helping me if she were to hear you bother me."

"You coward…!"

"Not my fault you made your weakness so obvious…Why wouldn't I go after your… Achilles heel?" He asks with a smile, making everyone groan. Gilgamesh stares at him a moment before leaving.

'The TV is worse, the Shirou is worse, everything in this Grail War is worse…' He thinks.

"…Is it because of Vlad's recent additions to his legend you are resistant to approaching?" Karna asks.

"What recent additions? I thought he was a warlord?" Achilles asks.

"Yes, but his name is more famous from a vampire novel and subsequent similar works."

"What exactly is a vampire?" Achilles asks.

"A nocturnal creature that feeds by biting its victims and…" Karna trails off when he sees Achilles pales and shivers.

'This is the worst Grail War…' Achilles thinks.



===



"Let me go! Father needs help!" Mordred says as Cu and Fergus struggle to pull her back.

"She does not need help!" Kazuma shouts.

"He!"

"Are you kidding me?"

"If father is using Excalibur, he must be facing a truly troublesome foe!"

"Not our concern!"

"I agree with him…It would be better to wait for them to destroy each other." Kairi says.

"But we have plenty of firepower! We have 3 Sabers, 1 decent Caster, Jacky, and your party!" Mordred shouts.

"Don't include my party in plans, it'll only complicate things." Kazuma says, making Aqua pout, Megumin glower, and Darkness moan.

Rin looks at them flatly.

"…I am decent. Even without my Noble Phantasm-" Shakespeare says, making Jack and Mordred pale before continuing.

"I can enhance items and weapons to damage Servants."

"Wait, what?" Kazuma asks.

"I can enhance items and weapons. If you had a sword I could write about it as a blade that cuts anything, and it would harm Servants even if the wielder is human…that said, it would only be comparable to a C rank Noble Phantasm." Shakespeare says as Darkness grabs his shoulder.

"…Are you able to make a sword able to hit anything despite the wielder's inaccuracy?'

"I…think so? Though accuracy has never been an issue with swords."

"It is for me. Bless my blade!"

'…I'm actually curious if he can override Darkness' inability to hit anything.' Kazuma thinks as Aqua hands him his sword as Shakespeare writes.

"This blade is now blessed with the eye of the eagle, able to hit its mark by reversing causality!" He says and the blade glows brightly a moment, the light slowly fading to a slight glow upon Darkness' sword.

"You uncreative copycat! That's just plagiarism!" Cu shouts.

"…Do mine next." Kazuma says, shaking off a bad feeling.

"I christen your blade Fenrir's tooth! It can cut through anything!" Shakespeare says as Kazuma's blade begins to glow before quickly becoming dull.

"Strange…the glow should last a moment longer…does your sword already have a name?" Shakespeare asks and Kazuma frowns.

"I'd rather not-"

"I cannot change the name, but I can still enhance it if I know its true name."

"…Chunchunmaru." Kazuma says, getting a few giggles from most everyone present.

Even Jack struggles to keep her laughter in check.

Mordred just laughs outright.

"What kind of ridiculous name is that?" Shakespeare asks, paling when a giant earth hand grabs him.

"I chose that name." Megumin says.

"…Did I say ridiculous? I meant ridiculously amazing!"

Megumin doesn't believe him and tosses him into a tree.



===



"CALIBUR!" Saber shouts, erasing a wall from existence.

Unfortunately Medea and Jeanne are still alive.

One from avoiding, the other from shrugging it off.

"What?!"

"I am Servant who could easily be in a situation to fight 14 Servants. You think you alone can kill me, Queen of Blights?" Jeanne says, making Artoria grit her teeth before having to dodge a spike meant to impale her.

"This is far enough! Though I can understand your fury Saber, I cannot-"

"HER fury?!" Jeanne shouts, drawing Vlad's glare.

'J-Jeanne I think you need to take a deep breath!' Leticia says.

'I need to kill something…and I know who~.'

'But what about the Command Seal?' Leticia asks in Jeanne's head.

'…God damn it!'

'Oh wow, you are angry…'

"…Perhaps this is a blessing in disguise?" Lancelot says, drawing confused and enraged looks from everyone present.

"Why do you say that Lancelot?" Emiya asks, his blades in hand.

"Wasn't one of your goals to kill someone? Sure, it's a bit unconventional having Ruler lose her Ruler status, but having another Servant in the hunt for-"

"Don't say his name Lancelot!" Saber shouts.

"Why? What would be the issue in saying Kazuma's name my King?"

"Kazuma's here?!" Medea asks, making Saber frown.

"…They were comrades in the last war." Emiya says.

"…I truly made error haven't I?" Lancelot asks, Artoria's silence all the answer he needs; that and Medea firing a shot of magic through the ceiling to act as a firework.

"You will die here!" Vlad shouts.

"By my Command Seal, find and drink holy water!" Medea says and Vlad starts walking out of the room, looking for holy water, muttering the entire time. Musashi kicks Kojiro out a window.

"Sorry!"

"I'll find you…" Kojiro mutters from outside.

"Musashi, grab Saber premium! We have to go!"

"I am not- wait…premium?" Jeanne asks with rising dread.

"Because you're curvier!"

'Leticia, is murder still a sin?' Jeanne asks as Musashi hefts her onto her shoulder.

'Yes…But I'm not sure God can judge you too harshly after the last few days.'

"…For what it is worth Saint, I would not wish this on you." Saber says while keeping distance away from the fleeing Medea and Musashi.

"Wait…why are we taking her with us?" Musashi asks.

"Look at her. She'll look good in so many outfits!"

"Sweet a model sister!"

"…I think I'm starting to miss being burned at the stake…"



===



"Oh my God…I think that's Medea!" Kazuma says upon seeing the magic salvo.

"…How many Servants does that make now?" Cu asks.

"The better question…is the Witch of Betrayal single?" Fergus asks with a hand at his chin.

"She prefers her guys leaner." Cu says.

"Oh my, I didn't know you already met her~."

"Not like that…I accidentally killed her master who was also her darling."

"Oh…"

"Aqua, use create water!" Kazuma says.

"Why?"

"So Medea can find us!"

"I…don't think that's a good idea Kazuma. Medea isn't exactly the nicest person after her failed marriage."

"We already met before and are basically friends."

"…Figures you would make friends with her. I'm gonna go some distance away so we don't broadcast our hideout's exact spot." Aqua says before casting 'create water' some distance away. A few minutes later Medea arrives with Musashi and a sullen Jeanne.

"How did you get yourself dragged into another Grail War young man?"

"I blame humanity."

"…Alaya?" Medea asks and Kazuma gives a thumbs up.

"…Feel like I'm missing something here…" Musashi says.

"Let me go…" Jeanne growls.

"Not until you try these on!" Medea says, bringing out a bag of clothes.

"Where did that come from?! We didn't stop by a store!"

"It's magic~."

"…Not like this can be any worse than learning everything I knew about God was wrong."

"You weren't wrong. The God in the bible is real." Aqua says, making Jeanne smile with tears in her eyes.

"Oh thank the Lord, it isn't you!"

"Yeah, but he's a real bastard." Aqua says, making everyone but Darkness and Megumin look at her aghast.

"He doesn't really do much anymore aside from drink the best wine, not sharing said wine, and personally 'interviewing' curvy women in his office before sending them to Heaven." Aqua says making Avicebron lean against a wall with a groan, and making Jeanne go limp on Musashi's shoulder while crying slightly.

Shakespeare writes every word, causing smoke to appear from his paper.

"It has to be fake…this can't be real…It just can't…"

"I'm sure you'll meet him one day! You're just his type! He loves busty blondes!" Aqua says with a big smile making Jeanne groan and cry while clutching her head before covering her ears.

Kazuma grabs Aqua's shoulder.

"I think she's been through enough…"

"She religious or something?"

"…She's the Saint of Orleans, Jeanne D'arc." Kazuma says, making Aqua pale.

"…The armor and her episode when she learned you caused the flood didn't give you a hint?" Rin asks.

"She caused what?" Avicebron, Shakespeare, and Mordred ask at the same time.

"I thought she was a cosplayer since she gave us directions…" Aqua says.

"O-on the Brightside, you're not going to Hell!" Musashi says.

"I'm already in Hell…"

'Can't make her dress up now…' Medea thinks with a frown at seeing the Saint smile and laugh with hollow eyes.

"I can show her Heav-"

"Fergus no!" Rin and Cu say at the same time, making Fergus slouch and grunt in sad disapproval.