shadowdice
Connoisseur.
- Joined
- Sep 17, 2017
- Messages
- 24,173
- Likes received
- 532,616
My DnD sessions include a lot of my character being incredulous at the way other people think
Me: So, there is an orb of darkness and when you washed up in a cavern with a young girl as a child, it was talking to you.
NPC Paladin: Yes
Me: And there is a Queen of Darkness who was sealed away centuries ago by a Dark Hero
NPC Paladin: also yes
Me: And you don't think one of those is connected to the other?
NPC Paladin: That seems unlikely
Me: That there would be all of these darkness related things, in an area which has a localized field of eternal darkness that has lasted for millennia. That there would not be some kind of source to it, or that other darkness related entities would come here looking for the source of that phenomena
NPC Paladin: Oh, when you put it that way it makes sense
Me: Yes, yes it does. Now go along and help us with rationing and holy water you wonderful himbo
*later after torturing a Penanggalan (vampire head monster), the NPC Paladin was involved in said torture which included baths in holy water and sacred salts*
Me: So, there is a necromancer involved according to this one. Does anyone have a sending scroll, my uncle is a wizard involved in necromancy. We can ask him for help. I'm sure the paladin order has a few of those.
NPC Paladin: We do, but those are for emergencies and you would have to pay to use it
Me: No, nonono. You see, there is a necromancer raising an army of the dead, controlling a night hag, and using a fucking flying head vampire as his minions, one who has laid several curses on the town and surrounding countryside. You have Sending Scrolls specifically for when you have weird and fucked up shit and need someone to consult. I, graciously, am giving you information about a wizard who knows necromancy and is not insane. A valuable resource. One who is not going to be charging you for his expertise.
*during said torture*
Me: I don't know the weaknesses of a Pananggalan. Do you have silverware?
NPC Paladin: Yes *brings silverware*
Me: *presses silver spoon near vampire's eye*
Vampire Head: That doesn't work on me. If you let me go free I will lead you to where you need to go
Me: *Stab it in the eye* We have already gone over the fact that you not dying will result in more villagers succumbing to your curse, and we are in a paladin order's HQ. Do you really think I can let you go? Your options are to die or be a pet, and how you cooperate determines how horrible the former will be.
Vampire Head: *tries to bite*
Me: And now you are losing the teeth
GM: I forgot how brutal you guys could be
Me: She is telling me to free her while right next to a paladin who can smite giant monsters. I am not helping her. *makes sure to doublecheck on all information the vampire gives us*
NPC Paladin: *starts to crush the vampire's head with his bare hands just cause*
Me: That is just cruel.
NPC Paladin: You stabbed it in the eye
Me: To get information, you are just doing it because you hate undead and enjoy causing them suffering.
then things got wrong as we were told that there were weird hunters in the woods
Me: Do they eat people?
NPC Paladin: no, but they eat all the monsters they kill
Me: That is normal, it would only be weird if they eat people
NPC Paladin: No.
Gnome: Or gnomes
Me: gnomes are people
Gnome: Are we, I never thought of them like that
Me:...this is out of character right?
Gnome: ...
Me:...So, back to in character. "Gnomes might look alike to me but I don't think they aren't people."
NPC Paladin: They do look alike
Me: I was joking, what the fuck man.
Gnome: Paladin, do you think your friends are going to betray us.
Me: You are asking a Paladin, if he thinks his Paladin friends are going to break their oaths and turn to the forces of darkness to rule as undead overlords over the land
Gnome: Yes
Me: Do you want him to kill us?
Gnome: No
Me: Don't question the honor of Paladins, especially when it gets into heretical territory *starts dragging gnome away before she can start an incident with a small army of paladins*
and when the game was done, we talked about vampire
Me: Okay, did you look at Gangrel as a clan at all since we last played
Gangrel/Bruce: No
Me:..So, there are these things called Gathers. Which is when all the Gangrel in the area come together, exchange stories, and fight for fun. Would you have gone to any of them
Bruce: No
Me: What did you do for 20 years?
Bruce: Stay in the woods
Me: You mean the park in Gary, those "woods" out there?
Bruce: Yes
Me:...For 20 years
Bruce: yes
Me: You would have fucking derangements then given how you apparently shun every vampire in the city and avoid even talking to your sire.
Bruce: It is fine
Me: You put your demeanor as explorer, you can not have explored a park for 20 years
Bruce: I explore on my own, in the park.
Lasombra (Guiseppi): That really isn't exploring
Me: Explorers go out, meet people, exchange stories while traveling the world. You apparently have been a hikikomori NEET living in a shed in a park for half your lifetime. That is not an explorer.
Bruce: I explore the mind
Me: Given the fact that you rejected every single attempt I made to have people discuss philosophy and history with you, then forgot them, no. No, you are not.
Bruce: Maybe I should remake this character?
Me: *looks at sheet* Why the fuck do you have medicine 2?
Bruce: To heal myself
Me/Guiseppi: You are a vampire, you heal by drinking blood.
Me: You have 4 dice on medicine since you have 2 int, that is like the average paramedic.
Guiseppi: Bruce is a med student who can make architecture, but he doesn't have technology or computers
Me: Correct
Guiseppi: Does he use an abacus?
Me: I think he just carves it in the dirt while doing math.
Bruce: Well I am a survivor at least
Me: You have managed to live in spite of yourself as I am a merciful god, and like half of that involved party-members *the zombie burrowing incident, Sullivan Dane, burning of the 7-11, choke slamming by Ravnos Anti-Tribu, not doing a thing after spotting a different hunter, trying to sneak past people that were directly in front of a door*
Me:...*looks at all of the sheets* Okay, Basket has technology, one of Guiseppi's ghouls has drive, his Revenant has technology 3. But no one has computers....is one of you just going to have to stop by a computer store and ghoul somebody so you guys can do internet searches? Will Bruce get somebody because he figures out that generators are a thing and he wants to have electricity in the shed he is going to have to build since the old one was destroyed by zombies due to his inaction?
Guiseppi: None of us can use a computer
Bruce: Yeah
Me: The two of you apparently are mystified by calculators and how to make those work beyond basic addition and multiplication. Basket is the only one of the three who can be trusted to charge a phone
Me: So, there is an orb of darkness and when you washed up in a cavern with a young girl as a child, it was talking to you.
NPC Paladin: Yes
Me: And there is a Queen of Darkness who was sealed away centuries ago by a Dark Hero
NPC Paladin: also yes
Me: And you don't think one of those is connected to the other?
NPC Paladin: That seems unlikely
Me: That there would be all of these darkness related things, in an area which has a localized field of eternal darkness that has lasted for millennia. That there would not be some kind of source to it, or that other darkness related entities would come here looking for the source of that phenomena
NPC Paladin: Oh, when you put it that way it makes sense
Me: Yes, yes it does. Now go along and help us with rationing and holy water you wonderful himbo
*later after torturing a Penanggalan (vampire head monster), the NPC Paladin was involved in said torture which included baths in holy water and sacred salts*
Me: So, there is a necromancer involved according to this one. Does anyone have a sending scroll, my uncle is a wizard involved in necromancy. We can ask him for help. I'm sure the paladin order has a few of those.
NPC Paladin: We do, but those are for emergencies and you would have to pay to use it
Me: No, nonono. You see, there is a necromancer raising an army of the dead, controlling a night hag, and using a fucking flying head vampire as his minions, one who has laid several curses on the town and surrounding countryside. You have Sending Scrolls specifically for when you have weird and fucked up shit and need someone to consult. I, graciously, am giving you information about a wizard who knows necromancy and is not insane. A valuable resource. One who is not going to be charging you for his expertise.
*during said torture*
Me: I don't know the weaknesses of a Pananggalan. Do you have silverware?
NPC Paladin: Yes *brings silverware*
Me: *presses silver spoon near vampire's eye*
Vampire Head: That doesn't work on me. If you let me go free I will lead you to where you need to go
Me: *Stab it in the eye* We have already gone over the fact that you not dying will result in more villagers succumbing to your curse, and we are in a paladin order's HQ. Do you really think I can let you go? Your options are to die or be a pet, and how you cooperate determines how horrible the former will be.
Vampire Head: *tries to bite*
Me: And now you are losing the teeth
GM: I forgot how brutal you guys could be
Me: She is telling me to free her while right next to a paladin who can smite giant monsters. I am not helping her. *makes sure to doublecheck on all information the vampire gives us*
NPC Paladin: *starts to crush the vampire's head with his bare hands just cause*
Me: That is just cruel.
NPC Paladin: You stabbed it in the eye
Me: To get information, you are just doing it because you hate undead and enjoy causing them suffering.
then things got wrong as we were told that there were weird hunters in the woods
Me: Do they eat people?
NPC Paladin: no, but they eat all the monsters they kill
Me: That is normal, it would only be weird if they eat people
NPC Paladin: No.
Gnome: Or gnomes
Me: gnomes are people
Gnome: Are we, I never thought of them like that
Me:...this is out of character right?
Gnome: ...
Me:...So, back to in character. "Gnomes might look alike to me but I don't think they aren't people."
NPC Paladin: They do look alike
Me: I was joking, what the fuck man.
Gnome: Paladin, do you think your friends are going to betray us.
Me: You are asking a Paladin, if he thinks his Paladin friends are going to break their oaths and turn to the forces of darkness to rule as undead overlords over the land
Gnome: Yes
Me: Do you want him to kill us?
Gnome: No
Me: Don't question the honor of Paladins, especially when it gets into heretical territory *starts dragging gnome away before she can start an incident with a small army of paladins*
and when the game was done, we talked about vampire
Me: Okay, did you look at Gangrel as a clan at all since we last played
Gangrel/Bruce: No
Me:..So, there are these things called Gathers. Which is when all the Gangrel in the area come together, exchange stories, and fight for fun. Would you have gone to any of them
Bruce: No
Me: What did you do for 20 years?
Bruce: Stay in the woods
Me: You mean the park in Gary, those "woods" out there?
Bruce: Yes
Me:...For 20 years
Bruce: yes
Me: You would have fucking derangements then given how you apparently shun every vampire in the city and avoid even talking to your sire.
Bruce: It is fine
Me: You put your demeanor as explorer, you can not have explored a park for 20 years
Bruce: I explore on my own, in the park.
Lasombra (Guiseppi): That really isn't exploring
Me: Explorers go out, meet people, exchange stories while traveling the world. You apparently have been a hikikomori NEET living in a shed in a park for half your lifetime. That is not an explorer.
Bruce: I explore the mind
Me: Given the fact that you rejected every single attempt I made to have people discuss philosophy and history with you, then forgot them, no. No, you are not.
Bruce: Maybe I should remake this character?
Me: *looks at sheet* Why the fuck do you have medicine 2?
Bruce: To heal myself
Me/Guiseppi: You are a vampire, you heal by drinking blood.
Me: You have 4 dice on medicine since you have 2 int, that is like the average paramedic.
Guiseppi: Bruce is a med student who can make architecture, but he doesn't have technology or computers
Me: Correct
Guiseppi: Does he use an abacus?
Me: I think he just carves it in the dirt while doing math.
Bruce: Well I am a survivor at least
Me: You have managed to live in spite of yourself as I am a merciful god, and like half of that involved party-members *the zombie burrowing incident, Sullivan Dane, burning of the 7-11, choke slamming by Ravnos Anti-Tribu, not doing a thing after spotting a different hunter, trying to sneak past people that were directly in front of a door*
Me:...*looks at all of the sheets* Okay, Basket has technology, one of Guiseppi's ghouls has drive, his Revenant has technology 3. But no one has computers....is one of you just going to have to stop by a computer store and ghoul somebody so you guys can do internet searches? Will Bruce get somebody because he figures out that generators are a thing and he wants to have electricity in the shed he is going to have to build since the old one was destroyed by zombies due to his inaction?
Guiseppi: None of us can use a computer
Bruce: Yeah
Me: The two of you apparently are mystified by calculators and how to make those work beyond basic addition and multiplication. Basket is the only one of the three who can be trusted to charge a phone