Chapter 118
Charles Flynn
I trust you know where the happy button is?
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Once Medb's been dealt with, we hit the road again. No time to waste and giving a Caster Servant extra prep time is just asking for trouble.
We stop to make camp up in the Appalachian Mountains, that night, Galahad having made it abundantly clear that if I push myself to near death again by riding twenty-four/seven, he'll make me wish I was dead.
Of course, it's only when I'm settling down for the night, staring up into the heavens, that Nero approaches me.
"So. I have slain Medb by my own blade, irrumator," she says by way of greeting, her arms akimbo as she smugly looms over me. "Do you still deny my prowess?"
"No, no. I suppose I have to admit that you have at least some measure of martial skill," I concede with a sigh. "Congratulations on your first legitimate, honorable kill in a fair fight."
"How dare you!" Nero snaps, her right eye twitching. "I have slain countless Celtic warriors in open combat since this Singularity began."
"And I've seen none of that," I reply with a grin. "For all I know, they just fell on their swords to escape your singing. After all, I'm intimately aware of how your voice makes me long for death."
"And you're hardly one to talk," Nero says, looking flushed. "You haven't killed a single enemy! Just directed your Servants as they did the work you could never manage for yourself."
Okay, yeah. That one actually hurts. I don't let it show, though. "True. But then again, I'm the Master. Dishonorable cowardice is kind of expected of me. Coming from a Servant though? Never having personally defeated any of your enemies is just all kinds of sad. Even Jason fought a few of his own battles."
"The Imperatrix is not obligated to sully her hands with martial matters," Nero says primly. "And besides, often I engaged the enemy as a gladiator, and raced chariots! In no area of human accomplishment was I lacking!"
"Congratulations on showing off just how well you can outperform slaves terrified of so much as scratching you instead of actually ruling, then," I say, raising an eyebrow. "While delegating your actual work to other people so you could keep on playing the people's Heracles. While Boudica was burning cities to the ground, you partied it up in Rome. Even Claudius went out on campaign. Even Caligula went out on campaign. But not Nero, no. She's too important to fight and bleed besides the men who are the only reason she has any power." I snort. "Actually, now that I think of it, the only people you actually killed on your own in your life were Poppaea and yourself."
Suddenly, my head is back against the ground, with cold steel against my throat, and Nero on top of me, outright fury in her eyes. "Flynn. I'll bear your insults, fair enough. But if you ever again imply that I would ever raise a hand against MY WIFE? I'll kill you where you stand."
"So, I suppose you really did love her," I say, staring up into her eyes. They're the most remarkable shade of green. "I suppose you had to have something admirable about you." I sigh. "I'm sorry that I repeated those rumors to hurt you. And I'm sorry for your loss. Despite what Suetonius wrote, it was fairly obvious that you loved her dearly."
"Hmph." She looks down at me haughtily, the pressure of Aestus Estus on my throat lessening slightly. I'm suddenly far more aware of the weight of her body on top of mine, still staring into her eyes, and… NO! GODDAMMIT, DO NOT GET A BONER FROM THIS! "Apology accepted; I suppose. It's not really like you to back down, though. Almost… disappointing."
"Thank you." I say, desperately trying to think of literally anything besides the fact that Nero is on top of me right now. "Now, could you put the sword away? And get off me?"
She tilts her head. "No. I don't think I will. You're much more pleasant when you're beneath me."
Her breath is in my face, our faces only a few inches apart, the blade between our throats, and-
Robin clears his throat awkwardly, and Nero jumps off of me, leaving me simultaneously relieved and disappointed. "Okay, yeah, I'm not entirely sure what I just walked in on, but we've got a visitor, and we need both of you guys on deck. So, well, just pack up… whatever the Hell this is, and come up to join us."
Nero gets up and walks away, her cheeks slightly flushed, but other than that, not acting like anything even slightly out of the ordinary just happened.
I get to my feet unsteadily, still feeling whiplashed from… whatever the hell just happened. Robin clears his throat uncomfortably.
"What?"
"Err… are you going to go to the meeting like that?"
"Like wha…?" I look down.
Oh. Yeah, that would be awkward. Come on, think unsexy thoughts!
My entire family is dead.
Huh, that was easy. And now I'm depressed. There's just no winning when Nero's involved, is there?
"All right, lead the way," I say, turning to Robin, who turned away from me for some reason.
"Oh. That was faster than I expected." He sets off walking, presumably in the direction of the meeting.
"Yeah, turns out I have a vast plethora of decidedly un-arousing things to think about." I follow him.
"Wait, I thought you were, um…" he makes a jerking off motion with his right hand.
"Yeah, no." The conversation lapses into an awkward silence for a few minutes.
"I mean, no man would blame you," Robin says once the silence grows unbearable.
"Well, yes, but whenever I'm in a Singularity, there's always a team of technicians running support. They have a constant readout of my vitals and can pretty much see what I see." I snort. "Jerking off is one thing. Doing it in front of all my coworkers is another thing entirely."
"Yeah. I guess so." Robin says awkwardly, and the uncomfortable silence is reborn.
After another minute of walking, I see the clearing with most of the Servants in it.
"Oh, thank God." Robin and I exclaim simultaneously, before looking at each other.
"So, we never speak of this again?" I propose hopefully.
"Took the words straight out of my mouth."
All right let's see who's here. Galahad, Yan Qing, Serenity, Robin (obviously,) Billy, Geronimo, Georgios, Medusa, Medea, and, last but not least, Nero. She's not looking at me, and I pointedly return the favor.
Huh. We're missing Cursed Arm. Let's see… the Assassin's were supposed to be running in-camp security, with two, the Hassans, patrolling, and one, Yan Qing, serving as my unseen bodyguard. Apparently, Nero pinning me to the ground with a sword to my throat doesn't rate an intervention from him though. The fucking traitor.
"We're short an Assassin," I point out. "Where's Cursed Arm?"
"Keeping an eye on the man who wants to meet with us," Geronimo says. "Good to have you finally join us, Flynn. Your Servants tried to contact you through the mental link, but you didn't seem to hear them. So, I sent Robin to get you."
"Yes, thank you for that. He saved me from a rather unpleasant fate." Nero flips me off. "So, who's the interviewee?"
"Arjuna of the Pandavas. Formerly an ally of the Celts." Geronimo's face is dour. "All the same, he says he wishes to join us. According to him, Edison has resummoned Karna, and we'll need his help to defeat him."
"Is there any reason we can't trust him?" I ask.
"No. It was clear from the start that he only joined up with the Celts to get a proper fight against his greatest rival. But, at the same time, working with a man willing to aid in the destruction of my people for something as petty as a fight rubs me the wrong way," he says, shoulders tense. "Are we simply to forgive him, and cast his crimes beneath the rug?"
"Trust me, I completely understand." I sigh and shrug in a 'what can you do?' sort of way. "But, at the same time, I don't think we'll be lucky enough to kill Karna the same way twice. We'll have to accept Arjuna's help."
"Please!" Nero interjects. "Why would you need this dishonorable cur when you have me?" She strikes a pose.
"You heard her," I say, with a note of apologetic resignation. "If we don't take up Arjuna's offer, our best chance at pulling off a win is Nero."
"Oh, fuck you!"
"No," I say, utterly deadpan. "How about we put it to a vote?"
"That sounds utterly foolish," Nero says with a huff.
"Hey, when in Rome, I kowtowed to your inbred ass, now that we're in America, you can return the favor and give democracy a shot."
"Fine," she growls. "All in favor of-"
"O-kay, how about, before the two of you turn this meeting into another of your petty bickering sessions as part of the absurd, mutual-loathing-fueled mating rituals endemic to your specific breed of idiot, we all agree that I should be the one that manages how the voting is held," Geronimo interrupts. "All in favor?"
Everyone aside from Nero and Medea raises their hand, including me. Sometimes the only way to maintain respect even in the face of petty outbursts is to admit your failings, and I'm more than man enough for that.
Kind of curious why Medea didn't vote for it, though.
"All right then, it's agreed," Geronimo announces, before conducting the votes. In the end, Medea, Robin, Billy, Serenity, Geronimo, and I all vote in favor of letting Arjuna join us. Nero and Georgios both vote against, while Yan and Medusa abstain.
"So. He's in." Geronimo doesn't look entirely happy with the verdict, but Arjuna's still too useful to pass up.
And so, the Archer is led into the camp.
"Lord Arjuna," I say in greeting, dipping my head respectfully, and then looking at him for the first time.
He's tall and willowy, with dark skin and curly black hair that both contrast sharply against his pure white robes and gloves. But what sticks out to me is-
"You're cleanshaven."
"I beg your pardon?" Arjuna asks, sounding slightly confused.
"I'm sorry, it's just that all the tapestries and paintings always depict you with a handlebar moustache," I explain. "Were you summoned as a younger version of yourself?"
"Ah no. Actually, I used to have a moustache like the ones my brothers had, but I was told it looked utterly terrible on me, so after the Kurukshetra War I began shaving regularly."
"Huh. And is Karna the same?" I ask curiously.
"Oh, yes, although he shaved his moustache after he met Duryodhana. He really didn't have the face to pull it off. Or the lineage," Arjuna adds the last bit in a dark, resentful undertone.
"Well, unexpected lack of facial hair aside, we're glad to have you with us," I say, extending my hand. After a moment, he shakes it.
"I suppose that's fine. Don't get in my way, and we won't have any problems."
Dick.
---
The journey continues. We don't run into any of the other Resistance forces, including Washington, Lincoln, and Bathory. Instead, once we cross the Mississippi, we begin running into more and more of Edison's discount Helter Skelters. I send Serenity back to Chaldea and bring out Arash to help us avoid them.
Nero and Arjuna are both avoiding me, so instead I keep to Galahad's company, and continue to coordinate our travels.
Finally, though, after a grueling month of travel, constantly skirting around patrols and fighting off robots, we get a lead on Edison's location.
Unfortunately, it's not exactly the sort of lead any of us was expecting.
---
We start out early in the morning that day, and skirt around three patrols before it's noon. I'm looking at the map, trying to find out where to look next, when Arash shouts out, "INCOMING!"
That's all the warning I get before a massive Helter-Sketer with rockets strapped to its back lands in front of us, shaking the earth with the force of its impact.
The Servants back up and fall into combat stances, while I fall back behind Galahad. Before us, the huge robot rises from the crater it just made.
And then it points one massive hand at me, the speaker on its chest crackling to life.
"MASTER of Chaldea, I bet you're hungering for an epic showdown! THE STUFF OF LEGENDS, WITH THE WHOLE WORLD AT STAKE!"
"I mean, not really?" I say from behind Galahad. "Personally, I mostly just want to run into my opponents unarmed, unarmored, and asleep, with not a bodyguard in sight. So, less the stuff of legends, more the stuff of mildly amusing historical anecdotes."
"HA-HA, and DON'T I KNOW IT!" the voice continues. "FORTUNATELY FOR YOU, I KNOW JUST THE PLACE FOR YOU TO SATE YOUR LUST FOR EPIC BATTLE!"
"Which I don't have, I just said- Oh. This is a recording. I'm arguing with a recording."
"'WHERE?' YOU ASK?" the recording asks, confirming my assumption. "WELL, sonny-boy, TODAY'S YOU LUCKY DAY, BECAUSE I'M GONNA TELL YOU! AT THE HEART OF THE LOVELY CITY OF DENVER, SITS THE MASSIVE EDISON STADIUM! AND WITHIN THAT STADIUM, LEGENDS WILL DUKE IT OUT, TO DECIDE THE FATE OF THE WORLD! SO, HURRY ON UP AND GET THERE, YA MOOK, BEFORE EDISON'S PLAN SUCCEEDS!"
The enormous Helter-Skelter strikes a pose. "AFTER ALL, KARNAMANIA'S RUNNING WIIIILD, BROTHER!" And then, its message apparently delivered, it explodes, leaving me with so many questions.
"Okay," I say after spending a few moments just staring at the blast crater. "Can anyone tell me WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED?"
We stop to make camp up in the Appalachian Mountains, that night, Galahad having made it abundantly clear that if I push myself to near death again by riding twenty-four/seven, he'll make me wish I was dead.
Of course, it's only when I'm settling down for the night, staring up into the heavens, that Nero approaches me.
"So. I have slain Medb by my own blade, irrumator," she says by way of greeting, her arms akimbo as she smugly looms over me. "Do you still deny my prowess?"
"No, no. I suppose I have to admit that you have at least some measure of martial skill," I concede with a sigh. "Congratulations on your first legitimate, honorable kill in a fair fight."
"How dare you!" Nero snaps, her right eye twitching. "I have slain countless Celtic warriors in open combat since this Singularity began."
"And I've seen none of that," I reply with a grin. "For all I know, they just fell on their swords to escape your singing. After all, I'm intimately aware of how your voice makes me long for death."
"And you're hardly one to talk," Nero says, looking flushed. "You haven't killed a single enemy! Just directed your Servants as they did the work you could never manage for yourself."
Okay, yeah. That one actually hurts. I don't let it show, though. "True. But then again, I'm the Master. Dishonorable cowardice is kind of expected of me. Coming from a Servant though? Never having personally defeated any of your enemies is just all kinds of sad. Even Jason fought a few of his own battles."
"The Imperatrix is not obligated to sully her hands with martial matters," Nero says primly. "And besides, often I engaged the enemy as a gladiator, and raced chariots! In no area of human accomplishment was I lacking!"
"Congratulations on showing off just how well you can outperform slaves terrified of so much as scratching you instead of actually ruling, then," I say, raising an eyebrow. "While delegating your actual work to other people so you could keep on playing the people's Heracles. While Boudica was burning cities to the ground, you partied it up in Rome. Even Claudius went out on campaign. Even Caligula went out on campaign. But not Nero, no. She's too important to fight and bleed besides the men who are the only reason she has any power." I snort. "Actually, now that I think of it, the only people you actually killed on your own in your life were Poppaea and yourself."
Suddenly, my head is back against the ground, with cold steel against my throat, and Nero on top of me, outright fury in her eyes. "Flynn. I'll bear your insults, fair enough. But if you ever again imply that I would ever raise a hand against MY WIFE? I'll kill you where you stand."
"So, I suppose you really did love her," I say, staring up into her eyes. They're the most remarkable shade of green. "I suppose you had to have something admirable about you." I sigh. "I'm sorry that I repeated those rumors to hurt you. And I'm sorry for your loss. Despite what Suetonius wrote, it was fairly obvious that you loved her dearly."
"Hmph." She looks down at me haughtily, the pressure of Aestus Estus on my throat lessening slightly. I'm suddenly far more aware of the weight of her body on top of mine, still staring into her eyes, and… NO! GODDAMMIT, DO NOT GET A BONER FROM THIS! "Apology accepted; I suppose. It's not really like you to back down, though. Almost… disappointing."
"Thank you." I say, desperately trying to think of literally anything besides the fact that Nero is on top of me right now. "Now, could you put the sword away? And get off me?"
She tilts her head. "No. I don't think I will. You're much more pleasant when you're beneath me."
Her breath is in my face, our faces only a few inches apart, the blade between our throats, and-
Robin clears his throat awkwardly, and Nero jumps off of me, leaving me simultaneously relieved and disappointed. "Okay, yeah, I'm not entirely sure what I just walked in on, but we've got a visitor, and we need both of you guys on deck. So, well, just pack up… whatever the Hell this is, and come up to join us."
Nero gets up and walks away, her cheeks slightly flushed, but other than that, not acting like anything even slightly out of the ordinary just happened.
I get to my feet unsteadily, still feeling whiplashed from… whatever the hell just happened. Robin clears his throat uncomfortably.
"What?"
"Err… are you going to go to the meeting like that?"
"Like wha…?" I look down.
Oh. Yeah, that would be awkward. Come on, think unsexy thoughts!
My entire family is dead.
Huh, that was easy. And now I'm depressed. There's just no winning when Nero's involved, is there?
"All right, lead the way," I say, turning to Robin, who turned away from me for some reason.
"Oh. That was faster than I expected." He sets off walking, presumably in the direction of the meeting.
"Yeah, turns out I have a vast plethora of decidedly un-arousing things to think about." I follow him.
"Wait, I thought you were, um…" he makes a jerking off motion with his right hand.
"Yeah, no." The conversation lapses into an awkward silence for a few minutes.
"I mean, no man would blame you," Robin says once the silence grows unbearable.
"Well, yes, but whenever I'm in a Singularity, there's always a team of technicians running support. They have a constant readout of my vitals and can pretty much see what I see." I snort. "Jerking off is one thing. Doing it in front of all my coworkers is another thing entirely."
"Yeah. I guess so." Robin says awkwardly, and the uncomfortable silence is reborn.
After another minute of walking, I see the clearing with most of the Servants in it.
"Oh, thank God." Robin and I exclaim simultaneously, before looking at each other.
"So, we never speak of this again?" I propose hopefully.
"Took the words straight out of my mouth."
All right let's see who's here. Galahad, Yan Qing, Serenity, Robin (obviously,) Billy, Geronimo, Georgios, Medusa, Medea, and, last but not least, Nero. She's not looking at me, and I pointedly return the favor.
Huh. We're missing Cursed Arm. Let's see… the Assassin's were supposed to be running in-camp security, with two, the Hassans, patrolling, and one, Yan Qing, serving as my unseen bodyguard. Apparently, Nero pinning me to the ground with a sword to my throat doesn't rate an intervention from him though. The fucking traitor.
"We're short an Assassin," I point out. "Where's Cursed Arm?"
"Keeping an eye on the man who wants to meet with us," Geronimo says. "Good to have you finally join us, Flynn. Your Servants tried to contact you through the mental link, but you didn't seem to hear them. So, I sent Robin to get you."
"Yes, thank you for that. He saved me from a rather unpleasant fate." Nero flips me off. "So, who's the interviewee?"
"Arjuna of the Pandavas. Formerly an ally of the Celts." Geronimo's face is dour. "All the same, he says he wishes to join us. According to him, Edison has resummoned Karna, and we'll need his help to defeat him."
"Is there any reason we can't trust him?" I ask.
"No. It was clear from the start that he only joined up with the Celts to get a proper fight against his greatest rival. But, at the same time, working with a man willing to aid in the destruction of my people for something as petty as a fight rubs me the wrong way," he says, shoulders tense. "Are we simply to forgive him, and cast his crimes beneath the rug?"
"Trust me, I completely understand." I sigh and shrug in a 'what can you do?' sort of way. "But, at the same time, I don't think we'll be lucky enough to kill Karna the same way twice. We'll have to accept Arjuna's help."
"Please!" Nero interjects. "Why would you need this dishonorable cur when you have me?" She strikes a pose.
"You heard her," I say, with a note of apologetic resignation. "If we don't take up Arjuna's offer, our best chance at pulling off a win is Nero."
"Oh, fuck you!"
"No," I say, utterly deadpan. "How about we put it to a vote?"
"That sounds utterly foolish," Nero says with a huff.
"Hey, when in Rome, I kowtowed to your inbred ass, now that we're in America, you can return the favor and give democracy a shot."
"Fine," she growls. "All in favor of-"
"O-kay, how about, before the two of you turn this meeting into another of your petty bickering sessions as part of the absurd, mutual-loathing-fueled mating rituals endemic to your specific breed of idiot, we all agree that I should be the one that manages how the voting is held," Geronimo interrupts. "All in favor?"
Everyone aside from Nero and Medea raises their hand, including me. Sometimes the only way to maintain respect even in the face of petty outbursts is to admit your failings, and I'm more than man enough for that.
Kind of curious why Medea didn't vote for it, though.
"All right then, it's agreed," Geronimo announces, before conducting the votes. In the end, Medea, Robin, Billy, Serenity, Geronimo, and I all vote in favor of letting Arjuna join us. Nero and Georgios both vote against, while Yan and Medusa abstain.
"So. He's in." Geronimo doesn't look entirely happy with the verdict, but Arjuna's still too useful to pass up.
And so, the Archer is led into the camp.
"Lord Arjuna," I say in greeting, dipping my head respectfully, and then looking at him for the first time.
He's tall and willowy, with dark skin and curly black hair that both contrast sharply against his pure white robes and gloves. But what sticks out to me is-
"You're cleanshaven."
"I beg your pardon?" Arjuna asks, sounding slightly confused.
"I'm sorry, it's just that all the tapestries and paintings always depict you with a handlebar moustache," I explain. "Were you summoned as a younger version of yourself?"
"Ah no. Actually, I used to have a moustache like the ones my brothers had, but I was told it looked utterly terrible on me, so after the Kurukshetra War I began shaving regularly."
"Huh. And is Karna the same?" I ask curiously.
"Oh, yes, although he shaved his moustache after he met Duryodhana. He really didn't have the face to pull it off. Or the lineage," Arjuna adds the last bit in a dark, resentful undertone.
"Well, unexpected lack of facial hair aside, we're glad to have you with us," I say, extending my hand. After a moment, he shakes it.
"I suppose that's fine. Don't get in my way, and we won't have any problems."
Dick.
---
The journey continues. We don't run into any of the other Resistance forces, including Washington, Lincoln, and Bathory. Instead, once we cross the Mississippi, we begin running into more and more of Edison's discount Helter Skelters. I send Serenity back to Chaldea and bring out Arash to help us avoid them.
Nero and Arjuna are both avoiding me, so instead I keep to Galahad's company, and continue to coordinate our travels.
Finally, though, after a grueling month of travel, constantly skirting around patrols and fighting off robots, we get a lead on Edison's location.
Unfortunately, it's not exactly the sort of lead any of us was expecting.
---
We start out early in the morning that day, and skirt around three patrols before it's noon. I'm looking at the map, trying to find out where to look next, when Arash shouts out, "INCOMING!"
That's all the warning I get before a massive Helter-Sketer with rockets strapped to its back lands in front of us, shaking the earth with the force of its impact.
The Servants back up and fall into combat stances, while I fall back behind Galahad. Before us, the huge robot rises from the crater it just made.
And then it points one massive hand at me, the speaker on its chest crackling to life.
"MASTER of Chaldea, I bet you're hungering for an epic showdown! THE STUFF OF LEGENDS, WITH THE WHOLE WORLD AT STAKE!"
"I mean, not really?" I say from behind Galahad. "Personally, I mostly just want to run into my opponents unarmed, unarmored, and asleep, with not a bodyguard in sight. So, less the stuff of legends, more the stuff of mildly amusing historical anecdotes."
"HA-HA, and DON'T I KNOW IT!" the voice continues. "FORTUNATELY FOR YOU, I KNOW JUST THE PLACE FOR YOU TO SATE YOUR LUST FOR EPIC BATTLE!"
"Which I don't have, I just said- Oh. This is a recording. I'm arguing with a recording."
"'WHERE?' YOU ASK?" the recording asks, confirming my assumption. "WELL, sonny-boy, TODAY'S YOU LUCKY DAY, BECAUSE I'M GONNA TELL YOU! AT THE HEART OF THE LOVELY CITY OF DENVER, SITS THE MASSIVE EDISON STADIUM! AND WITHIN THAT STADIUM, LEGENDS WILL DUKE IT OUT, TO DECIDE THE FATE OF THE WORLD! SO, HURRY ON UP AND GET THERE, YA MOOK, BEFORE EDISON'S PLAN SUCCEEDS!"
The enormous Helter-Skelter strikes a pose. "AFTER ALL, KARNAMANIA'S RUNNING WIIIILD, BROTHER!" And then, its message apparently delivered, it explodes, leaving me with so many questions.
"Okay," I say after spending a few moments just staring at the blast crater. "Can anyone tell me WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED?"