Slayer 10321
Experienced.
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Pretty sure she knows but doesn't care. She's making a point and damn anyone that contradicts her.
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Only Human (Goddess of Victory NIKKE SI)
- Thread starter BakaSmurf
- Start date
Zam138
Salted Fish
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Love me my slice of life doses, inject it right into my veins...
Fanart - Your Little Pogchamp Edition
Stove
Getting out there.
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fun fact-- you can look it up, even, it's kinda interesting-- gold(-plated) spoons provide the best flavor experience. the atomic properties of metal affect the way the spoon reacts with our saliva, so copper (for example) is more bitter than stainless steel, while good old aurum is unfailingly neutral; its tasting profile, pristine. thus, the gold spoon... will ruin him for other spoons.
what did dorothy mean by this???
anyway, speaking of people doing monstrous things:
forgiveness is a place i can no longer reach
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TheScottishlad
Know what you're doing yet?
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fun fact-- you can look it up, even, it's kinda interesting-- gold(-plated) spoons provide the best flavor experience. the atomic properties of metal affect the way the spoon reacts with our saliva, so copper (for example) is more bitter than stainless steel, while good old aurum is unfailingly neutral; its tasting profile, pristine. thus, the gold spoon... will ruin him for other spoons.
what did dorothy mean by this???
anyway, speaking of people doing monstrous things:
forgiveness is a place i can no longer reach
YES! YOU MADLAD YOU ARE!
Dasneaky
I trust you know where the happy button is?
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Who the pink haired lady?ah yes i keep forgetting
just like joe
TheScottishlad
Know what you're doing yet?
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Dorothy. One of the original Goddess Squad members
Dasneaky
I trust you know where the happy button is?
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Sounds like I need to get back into NIKKE then
Fragment of Serenity
Yu-Shan's Paperwork Ninja
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I... am just waaaaaay too amused that it took every little bit of Neon's paired brain cells firing to draw the connection that she did.
Like... holy shit, she did it, but I'm fairly sure that it strained her so hard that she's going to be mostly useless for the rest of the day.
Well... until she gets more dino nuggies.
Also, I'm saying it now:
Privaty NO. PRIVATY STAAAAHP.
Like... holy shit, she did it, but I'm fairly sure that it strained her so hard that she's going to be mostly useless for the rest of the day.
Well... until she gets more dino nuggies.
Also, I'm saying it now:
Privaty NO. PRIVATY STAAAAHP.
Fanart - Proof of Joe's impeccible taste Edition
Dmrules
Getting sticky.
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Privity is pretty up there. I wonder if since she ins't considered a nikke if Joe will start trying to seducing her in public while his Nikke's look on with envy. At the present rate he will have it cinched up by sundown.
Firestarter
Not too sore, are you?
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Well, he wouldn't have the same issues going out on dates with Privity as with the other Nikkes, thanks to her solid fake human background.
Though, it does make you wonder if anime hair colour is normal in Arc society or if they just think Privity is an Otaku that is too into the Tsundere trope and are just being polite enough to ignore it
Slamm-O
Versed in the lewd.
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I mean I think cybernetics and biomods are a thing in the Ark so it would make sense.Well, he wouldn't have the same issues going out on dates with Privity as with the other Nikkes, thanks to her solid fake human background.
Though, it does make you wonder if anime hair colour is normal in Arc society or if they just think Privity is an Otaku that is too into the Tsundere trope and are just being polite enough to ignore it
Ace of Scarabs
Polish my soul gem, you reprobrate~
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In before Privaty wears her fancy dress and leaves Joe completely and utterly speechless.
BakaSmurf
Only Human, After All
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Though, it does make you wonder if anime hair colour is normal in Arc society or if they just think Privity is an Otaku that is too into the Tsundere trope and are just being polite enough to ignore it
It isn't ever really shown, but the Ark is genuinely almost 1-1 with Night City - complete with having exotics ambling about, see Nero, Biscuit, and Leona. Or, moreover, the fact that Yulha, Privaty's commanding officer and fellow secret Nikke, is also considered to an obvious human despite having really distinctive and attention-grabbing shark teeth.
Extreme body modding (bioware and cyberware) and fashion isn't shown very often in NIKKE, but reading between the lines suggests that they're more common than you'd think based on what the game shows. So Privaty likely dying her hair wouldn't even turn heads, especially when you consider what Yulha looks like right next to her.
Chapter 29 - Beneath the Mask
BakaSmurf
Only Human, After All
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===
Chapter 29 - Beneath the Mask
===
For once, there didn't seem to be anything immediately pressing to tend to. So, once Joe had finished his breakfast and Privaty had to stop messaging him to work ([I'm not talking to you ever again, you heartless jerk!]) , he turtled up in his Command Centre suite at his computer. While he'd have liked to do something altogether self-centred, if not self-indulgent like spending his free time playing video games, it would be far and away better if he spent his time researching new equipment to replace and supplement what was used against Chatterbox.
A few hours into that, the door to the room slid open, revealing a heretofore unaccounted for Rapi. "Commander," she began as she stepped inside. "Ingrid instructed me to inform you that the iDolls Mustang arranged to be assigned to Counters will arrive by the end of the day."
Rapi spoke to Joe. Her words were clear and concise. She talked as plainly as a woman possibly could. This should help establish just how significant it was that Joe heard not a word she uttered, staring blankly at her like a starstruck baboon.
It was one thing to see somewhat blurry old photos, her hair and eyes literally aglow with an unnatural light as Red Hood, dressed so absurdly boldly and wearing such exaggerated expressions that she simply didn't look like the same person. It was another thing entirely to see Rapi stride in, face entirely bereft of makeup in person. It was… like night and day. Where every time Joe had set eyes on her before, the sight of the little Nikke had triggered an uncanny valley effect which had given him no small amount of unsettled pause, given how she looked like a literal person-sized porcelain doll which was up and walking about. It did a lot to distract one from Rapi's… various assets.
Now? Though she was still strikingly curvaceous - even while not landing in the absurd extremes of say, Emma, or even Anis, with her face no longer caked in starkly distracting amounts of garish makeup - Rapi was, to be as classy as was possible for a smitten dumbass, a walking testament to the mantra of 'medium is premium.'
Grumpy. Pretty. Grumpy-pretty, she had such a pretty little grumpy frown plastered on a decidedly feminine, mature face. Though her features were soft, there was a sharp, womanly aspect to her countenance that sharply contrasted with Privaty's more wide-eyed, youthful visage.
Though there was a degree of a cold, distant harshness in her almost withering gaze, Rapi was a striking natural beauty. Her eyelashes, previously overdone, were now naturally perfectly formed without any manner of overt adornment. Her almond-shaped ruby eyes, like lightly glowing embers which yet sparkled like diamonds, seemed to pierce the Commander's soul from across the room…
Holy mother of all that is good and holy, Rapi was drop-dead gorgeous.
Two jaw-dropping beauties in one day, damn near back-to-back. It was almost too much for the Commander's delicate sensibilities to handle. In fact, one could easily argue that it was too much, given how he'd all but blue-screened and, aside from staring… "...Beautiful…" he all but whimpered in dumbstruck, smitten awe, very clearly failing to notice that he'd spoken that aloud.
Joe wasn't sure how long he had gone and stared. But eventually, some distant part of his brain cried out and fought to be released from this prison it had been trapped in. Crying out for freedom, to be released from the tyranny of hormones and to stop leering at a visibly uncomfortable Rapi.
With a jump and something damn near approximating a yelp, Joe actually smacked himself and let out a wheeze. He all but launched to his feet, declaring: "I-I apologize! I'm afraid I didn't catch that, could you please repeat what you said, Rapi?" he asked, wide-eyed and doubtlessly blushing like the complete nincompoop that he demonstrably was.
"...Ingrid asked me to tell you that the iDolls you requisitioned from Mustang should be arriving by the end of the day," the black-bedecked Nikke reiterated her earlier point. "I came straight here without stopping to… re-outfit myself first." She reached up and the tips of her gloved fingers lightly brushed against one of her bare, beautifully naturalistic cheeks bearing all the hallmarks of a woman's skin - the micro imperfections that only served to highlight her own individual character a flawless doll simply lacked. Yet, she was visibly self-conscious about her strikingly apparent lack of makeup, however.
Though Joe was, honestly, a little upset by the notion that Rapi lacked the self-confidence to go bare-faced, she was trying to be professional about delivering him an official message. So he'd damn well get his shit together and behave respectfully.
After taking a moment to recentre himself, he mused on how it certainly took long enough to have their new forces actually assigned to them. But, bureaucratic incompetence seemed to be the Central Government's bread and butter, so Joe couldn't say that he was all that surprised. "Okay, great, fantastic," he remarked as he clapped his hands, stepping around the desk to face Rapi more properly. "I suppose you've been at Elysion HQ since yesterday, then?" he asked, given that the little strawberry blonde was missing since they'd landed back at the Ark.
"Undergoing… special maintenance, yes," she answered him, eyes drifting aside suspiciously for but an instant. "There are no lasting damages to report from our encounter with Chatterbox. I will be ready and able to be deployed the next time we must sortie on an operation."
As per usual, she was attempting to be unfailingly professional, all business. While Joe understood where she was coming from, he still didn't exactly want Rapi making such a conscious effort to hold him at arm's length. Especially since…
Looking at her, long and hard… with the heavy makeup gone, he could see quite plainly that this was indeed Red Hood - a former friend, which Andersen had provided a startling amount of evidence of the night previous.
While Joe believed Andersen when he'd warned the so-called Legendary Commander that there was a possibility of Rapi experiencing a Mind Switch if she was confronted over that fact… What had happened had to be addressed. Rapi was standing right in front of him when Snow White recognized both of them, and declared as much aloud. Doubly so considering that Rapi must have also heard Joe address Snow White as he had too.
As convenient as it would be if he could just… not address that, Rapi wasn't stupid, and he didn't want to blatantly disrespect her like that. So, as awkward as it could wind up getting… "Rapi…" he trailed off, wondering how exactly he'd-
"...I don't know how that Pilgrim recognized me, Commander," she seemed to predict, at least to an extent, what he intended to ask. Her gaze was diverted, making a point to not make eye contact with him now.
There was a beat as Joe waited, and got nothing more.
"...Um," the rookie Commander rubbed at his beard- God damn, he'd let his whiskers get away from him, hadn't he? Nearly had a full moustache at this point. He should go and shave after this. But, to not lose focus…
"Or-" Rapi started up again, visibly uncertain, internally debating with herself as she hesitated heavily. "Or… I met her at some point prior to my Mind Switch."
…Oh. Well. Joe hadn't been expecting her to reveal this much to him, that she knew she'd previously experienced a Mind Switch…
"If that's the case, Commander, then there's nothing more that I can tell you," Rapi continued. still not quite meeting his gaze. "I don't have any memories of my life from before. She might have known me from before. But I'm not that person anymore. I don't know her."
…That, was a fucking heartbreaking statement to hear someone so earnestly and bluntly say in person, right to you. Doubly so when you knew that… you should have been someone they'd recognize as well.
What a horrible affliction.
Rapi, at that, remained silent.
…
She kept her eyes off of him, and the air was rapidly growing incredibly uncomfortable.
It was likely that she was avoiding bringing up the matter of… well, the fact that Snow White had recognized him first, and even actually said his name aloud.
Joe didn't much care for the thought of Rapi being so closed off. It wasn't common for Nikkes and Commanders to remain in constant contact like this, or even for Commanders to treat the Nikkes under their command well at all, but… "Rapi," he started. "I understand if you're still uncomfortable around me. Most Commanders aren't like me, most would take offence to you speaking your mind or opening up about much of anything. But we're permanently assigned to each other, and so far, you've given me no reason to not respect and trust you. I hope that, even if you aren't there yet, you'll be able to trust me enough to know that you can ask me anything someday soon."
At that, silence once more reigned between them.
After a few long moments, however, Rapi gradually met his gaze, a deeply forlorn expression on her features. "Commander," she started warily. "You are kind. Shockingly, unreasonably so. But I… I don't think you would be, if you actually knew me. Who I am, what I've done… Your kindness is wasted on… something as broken as I am." One more, her gaze was averted, shame writ large on her features. "You should spend it on the others… not misallocate it to me."
All the while, Joe did his level best to not lose his temper upon hearing Rapi refer to herself using such deliberately dehumanizing language. "...No," he firmly declared, rejecting the notion out of hand. "Give me cause, a good fucking reason, and only then will I even begin to consider writing you off - and even then, only if whatever crime you've apparently committed is truly something worthy of damnation."
Rapi looked tired. At that, she looked truly and terribly tired. Suddenly, she appeared a woman more than twice her apparent age, seemingly outright refusing to look in Joe's direction now. She didn't reply at first, just letting out a singular, full-body sigh. When she did eventually reply… "I killed a human," she stated with a bone-deep resignation.
Once more, a long quiet followed. Once it became clear that Rapi thought that was enough… "Elaborate," Joe outright commanded her.
Eyes snapping to him, Rapi looked dumbstruck, confused, and somewhat offended, even. "...What?"
"Context. Matters." Joe very forcefully, albeit slowly declared. "So elaborate."
She seemed unsettled, but, eventually, turned aside, seeming to stare out the window overlooking the Outpost as she did so. "...It was back when I was still with Absolute. We were in a firefight. In order to clear out hostiles, I threw a grenade… the explosion threw a person back. A human that had been blown in half from the waist-down by the explosive I'd tossed. They were still alive, made eye contact with me. They were in shock, but I could still make out the terror, confusion, the pleading glint in their eyes, before they just… died. And I didn't care."
That… actually caught Joe off-guard. Yet…
"I was just annoyed," Rapi continued, pointedly not looking Joe's way. "'I'm going to have to write up an entire report about this.' That, that is what went through my mind as I watched that person die, as that person looked into my eyes, as I watched the life fade from their face. Not… horror. Not guilt. Annoyance, because I felt like it would be a waste of my time to have to write up a report on this… murder I'd committed." She fell into something barely registering as a whisper. "That's… that's when I realized that I'm broken. That there's something fundamentally wrong with me. People… even humans shouldn't think like that, and that is anathema to what a Nikke should be. We exist to serve humans, to protect them, to fight for them and their future. We shouldn't even be capable of considering harming a human, and yet, when I killed one, I… I felt no shame. I felt no regret, no guilt. Just… annoyance."
She went quiet for several long moments, looking like she wanted to cry, but couldn't.
Joe was no mental health expert, but he knew exactly what he was looking at. "How long have you been serving? Before, with, and after Absolute," he asked.
That visibly disquieted Rapi. It wasn't the reply she'd been expecting, and she didn't like it, that much was clear. "...Too long," was all she said in response.
"And you haven't spoken to anybody about any of this," Joe stated, because he, again, had figured out where the pieces were falling into place. "You've quietly shouldered your burden, kept your mouth shut, and did what you were told this entire time. Am I right?"
"...Yes," Rapi answered matter-of-factually.
"So you've spent all this time," Joe continued. "As a Nikke of demonstrably higher calibre than most, being doubtlessly given mankind's greatest and most daunting battles, for years upon years upon years, just soldiering on, never saying anything, never asking for anything in return."
"...That is what it means to be a Nikke," she said, as if attempting to justify something to herself.
"Meaning that you've been bearing a burden greater than what even most other Nikkes would experience because of your capabilities. Unending combat. Rarely, if ever resting. Fighting, fighting without end. Against the greatest threat that has ever existed on planet Earth, always forced to be ready to fling yourself into what could be the last battle you ever fight."
Rapi did not respond. She'd weakly crossed her arms over her waist, almost daintily holding onto her own forearms. That wasn't a sign of defiance or stubbornness. That was an unconscious attempt at a self-hug. She was trying to comfort herself.
"Rapi. All throughout history, soldiers that have gone through less than you have developed worse coping mechanisms to deal with the stresses associated with combat. Blunted empathy… it's more common than you probably think it is-"
"So you're saying that it's normal that I didn't care when I killed a human!?" She snapped at him, almost snarling as she glowered openly.
"No," he firmly replied. "It's tragically unsurprising that the weight of your actions didn't hit you as it should have, when it should have. Being forced to fight for so long, being put in a combatant's mindset for so long, without support… that's what happens, Rapi. People cannot handle that. Something has to give. If it hadn't been your empathy, it would have been something else. Maybe even your sanity. I understand that it doesn't feel right, that you feel like you must be broken and can't be fixed… but that's only because you've been isolated, and haven't seen that it's not necessarily a one-way road you've gone down."
The little Nikke had gone quiet again, now staring at the floor, she didn't reply immediately to that. "...I'm a monster, Commander," was the eventual reply she did provide, however. "The fact that you believe otherwise is evidence of that. All that makeup… did its job too well."
Joe's brow furrowed in confusion, he didn't quite know what to make of that. "...What do you mean by that?" he asked.
"I can see mirrors just fine," she declared. "I can see… how hollow my eyes are. How inhumanly blank my face is. I saw it with my own two eyes… That's why I tried to cover it up. To hide it. To stop everyone from recognizing what I myself do whenever I look in a mirror. I don't have a soul. It's so obvious that I'm just a killing machine, but I didn't want anyone else to realize it. And… it worked, it worked because you think there's a person to be helped here. Not a…" she reached up, and again, the tips of her gloved fingers brushed against her deceptively soft cheeks. "...A tool. A weapon."
That… certainly explained the terrifying makeup. Rapi was in such a terrible head space, that she started to see something horrible in her own reflection; something that wasn't reflected in reality. She'd been trying to cover it up, to hide her shame. It worked in the wrong way - Joe hadn't noticed until it was gone, just how wildly apparent it was that Rapi was in pain. She… it was like she was seeing the inverse of what was actually in the mirror, wasn't it? She saw that porcelain doll without the makeup, even though she was just another person bearing her unaddressed, outright ignored trauma.
Fucking hell, even in the future, soldiers were emotionally neglected and just allowed to gradually break instead of being given the help they needed. Same shit, different day. Goddamned worthless fucking governments, no matter the time or place.
"...I can't cry, Commander," Rapi declared. "No matter what, no matter how much I try, no matter how much I think about what I've done, what I'm supposed to be… I don't cry." Her voice trailed off quietly, even as another few large chunks of the puzzle slammed into place for Joe. "People… humans cry. They cry when they make mistakes. They cry when they hurt others. But I don't."
She was trying to convince him, and in so doing, receive validation. How long had she been dealing with this trauma, to be at the point where she struggled to let it go, to be at the point where she clung to it like a safety blanket, like she needed it?
"There was a time when I couldn't cry too, Rapi," Joe asserted. "When life had become so hard, that I too, had to become uncaring, develop an edge, a wall just to make it through. It took a long time, it took a good deal of painful self-reflection… but eventually, I broke down those walls I'd once built up to protect myself. It sucked. Every minute of it, but eventually, I managed it, and I let myself feel again. The evidence of those walls may still be present, even readily apparent at times… but they don't dictate how I behave, how I treat others. Not entirely. Not anymore."
Stepping over to her, Rapi leaned away, but she didn't outright move to create distance. Joe reached out, and gently set a hand on her shoulder.
"You're a Nikke. According to the Ark, you're supposed to be a hero, unbending, unbreaking against all odds and hardships. But, it doesn't matter if most of you has been replaced with steel. A monster wouldn't feel shame, or guilt. A weapon wouldn't be disgusted by its own reflection. A tool wouldn't question its own humanity. You still have a soul, and it's so terribly clearly not made of stone. If it's your job to protect me, then it's my job to support you, Rapi. And I'm going to. No matter how long it takes. You are a person, you've been through Hell, and you've made terrible mistakes. But nothing you've said has done anything to convince me that you're anything less than human. Only that you've been failed by those around you up until this point. A mistake I swear that I'm not going to repeat like those that came before me."
After a moment of silence, Rapi just… staring into the void, her expression one of agonized confusion, Joe said fuck it and pulled her into a light hug, eliciting a small, uncharacteristically girlish chirp of surprise.
"You're stuck with me Rapi. And I refuse to not care. I'm sorry, but I'm too much of a stubborn fool to not stick to my guns, and I've made up my mind."
"...You shouldn't care," the little strawberry blonde protested weakly.
"But I do," Joe countered.
"...Idiot," she declared in naked exasperation.
"You catch on quick," he replied with a small grin. "Don't worry; you'll get used to it."
At that, Rapi just sighed in exhausted resignation.
He would make sure that she would get used to it.
Chapter 29 - Beneath the Mask
===
For once, there didn't seem to be anything immediately pressing to tend to. So, once Joe had finished his breakfast and Privaty had to stop messaging him to work ([I'm not talking to you ever again, you heartless jerk!]) , he turtled up in his Command Centre suite at his computer. While he'd have liked to do something altogether self-centred, if not self-indulgent like spending his free time playing video games, it would be far and away better if he spent his time researching new equipment to replace and supplement what was used against Chatterbox.
A few hours into that, the door to the room slid open, revealing a heretofore unaccounted for Rapi. "Commander," she began as she stepped inside. "Ingrid instructed me to inform you that the iDolls Mustang arranged to be assigned to Counters will arrive by the end of the day."
Rapi spoke to Joe. Her words were clear and concise. She talked as plainly as a woman possibly could. This should help establish just how significant it was that Joe heard not a word she uttered, staring blankly at her like a starstruck baboon.
It was one thing to see somewhat blurry old photos, her hair and eyes literally aglow with an unnatural light as Red Hood, dressed so absurdly boldly and wearing such exaggerated expressions that she simply didn't look like the same person. It was another thing entirely to see Rapi stride in, face entirely bereft of makeup in person. It was… like night and day. Where every time Joe had set eyes on her before, the sight of the little Nikke had triggered an uncanny valley effect which had given him no small amount of unsettled pause, given how she looked like a literal person-sized porcelain doll which was up and walking about. It did a lot to distract one from Rapi's… various assets.
Now? Though she was still strikingly curvaceous - even while not landing in the absurd extremes of say, Emma, or even Anis, with her face no longer caked in starkly distracting amounts of garish makeup - Rapi was, to be as classy as was possible for a smitten dumbass, a walking testament to the mantra of 'medium is premium.'
Grumpy. Pretty. Grumpy-pretty, she had such a pretty little grumpy frown plastered on a decidedly feminine, mature face. Though her features were soft, there was a sharp, womanly aspect to her countenance that sharply contrasted with Privaty's more wide-eyed, youthful visage.
Though there was a degree of a cold, distant harshness in her almost withering gaze, Rapi was a striking natural beauty. Her eyelashes, previously overdone, were now naturally perfectly formed without any manner of overt adornment. Her almond-shaped ruby eyes, like lightly glowing embers which yet sparkled like diamonds, seemed to pierce the Commander's soul from across the room…
Holy mother of all that is good and holy, Rapi was drop-dead gorgeous.
Two jaw-dropping beauties in one day, damn near back-to-back. It was almost too much for the Commander's delicate sensibilities to handle. In fact, one could easily argue that it was too much, given how he'd all but blue-screened and, aside from staring… "...Beautiful…" he all but whimpered in dumbstruck, smitten awe, very clearly failing to notice that he'd spoken that aloud.
Joe wasn't sure how long he had gone and stared. But eventually, some distant part of his brain cried out and fought to be released from this prison it had been trapped in. Crying out for freedom, to be released from the tyranny of hormones and to stop leering at a visibly uncomfortable Rapi.
With a jump and something damn near approximating a yelp, Joe actually smacked himself and let out a wheeze. He all but launched to his feet, declaring: "I-I apologize! I'm afraid I didn't catch that, could you please repeat what you said, Rapi?" he asked, wide-eyed and doubtlessly blushing like the complete nincompoop that he demonstrably was.
"...Ingrid asked me to tell you that the iDolls you requisitioned from Mustang should be arriving by the end of the day," the black-bedecked Nikke reiterated her earlier point. "I came straight here without stopping to… re-outfit myself first." She reached up and the tips of her gloved fingers lightly brushed against one of her bare, beautifully naturalistic cheeks bearing all the hallmarks of a woman's skin - the micro imperfections that only served to highlight her own individual character a flawless doll simply lacked. Yet, she was visibly self-conscious about her strikingly apparent lack of makeup, however.
Though Joe was, honestly, a little upset by the notion that Rapi lacked the self-confidence to go bare-faced, she was trying to be professional about delivering him an official message. So he'd damn well get his shit together and behave respectfully.
After taking a moment to recentre himself, he mused on how it certainly took long enough to have their new forces actually assigned to them. But, bureaucratic incompetence seemed to be the Central Government's bread and butter, so Joe couldn't say that he was all that surprised. "Okay, great, fantastic," he remarked as he clapped his hands, stepping around the desk to face Rapi more properly. "I suppose you've been at Elysion HQ since yesterday, then?" he asked, given that the little strawberry blonde was missing since they'd landed back at the Ark.
"Undergoing… special maintenance, yes," she answered him, eyes drifting aside suspiciously for but an instant. "There are no lasting damages to report from our encounter with Chatterbox. I will be ready and able to be deployed the next time we must sortie on an operation."
As per usual, she was attempting to be unfailingly professional, all business. While Joe understood where she was coming from, he still didn't exactly want Rapi making such a conscious effort to hold him at arm's length. Especially since…
Looking at her, long and hard… with the heavy makeup gone, he could see quite plainly that this was indeed Red Hood - a former friend, which Andersen had provided a startling amount of evidence of the night previous.
While Joe believed Andersen when he'd warned the so-called Legendary Commander that there was a possibility of Rapi experiencing a Mind Switch if she was confronted over that fact… What had happened had to be addressed. Rapi was standing right in front of him when Snow White recognized both of them, and declared as much aloud. Doubly so considering that Rapi must have also heard Joe address Snow White as he had too.
As convenient as it would be if he could just… not address that, Rapi wasn't stupid, and he didn't want to blatantly disrespect her like that. So, as awkward as it could wind up getting… "Rapi…" he trailed off, wondering how exactly he'd-
"...I don't know how that Pilgrim recognized me, Commander," she seemed to predict, at least to an extent, what he intended to ask. Her gaze was diverted, making a point to not make eye contact with him now.
There was a beat as Joe waited, and got nothing more.
"...Um," the rookie Commander rubbed at his beard- God damn, he'd let his whiskers get away from him, hadn't he? Nearly had a full moustache at this point. He should go and shave after this. But, to not lose focus…
"Or-" Rapi started up again, visibly uncertain, internally debating with herself as she hesitated heavily. "Or… I met her at some point prior to my Mind Switch."
…Oh. Well. Joe hadn't been expecting her to reveal this much to him, that she knew she'd previously experienced a Mind Switch…
"If that's the case, Commander, then there's nothing more that I can tell you," Rapi continued. still not quite meeting his gaze. "I don't have any memories of my life from before. She might have known me from before. But I'm not that person anymore. I don't know her."
…That, was a fucking heartbreaking statement to hear someone so earnestly and bluntly say in person, right to you. Doubly so when you knew that… you should have been someone they'd recognize as well.
What a horrible affliction.
Rapi, at that, remained silent.
…
She kept her eyes off of him, and the air was rapidly growing incredibly uncomfortable.
It was likely that she was avoiding bringing up the matter of… well, the fact that Snow White had recognized him first, and even actually said his name aloud.
Joe didn't much care for the thought of Rapi being so closed off. It wasn't common for Nikkes and Commanders to remain in constant contact like this, or even for Commanders to treat the Nikkes under their command well at all, but… "Rapi," he started. "I understand if you're still uncomfortable around me. Most Commanders aren't like me, most would take offence to you speaking your mind or opening up about much of anything. But we're permanently assigned to each other, and so far, you've given me no reason to not respect and trust you. I hope that, even if you aren't there yet, you'll be able to trust me enough to know that you can ask me anything someday soon."
At that, silence once more reigned between them.
After a few long moments, however, Rapi gradually met his gaze, a deeply forlorn expression on her features. "Commander," she started warily. "You are kind. Shockingly, unreasonably so. But I… I don't think you would be, if you actually knew me. Who I am, what I've done… Your kindness is wasted on… something as broken as I am." One more, her gaze was averted, shame writ large on her features. "You should spend it on the others… not misallocate it to me."
All the while, Joe did his level best to not lose his temper upon hearing Rapi refer to herself using such deliberately dehumanizing language. "...No," he firmly declared, rejecting the notion out of hand. "Give me cause, a good fucking reason, and only then will I even begin to consider writing you off - and even then, only if whatever crime you've apparently committed is truly something worthy of damnation."
Rapi looked tired. At that, she looked truly and terribly tired. Suddenly, she appeared a woman more than twice her apparent age, seemingly outright refusing to look in Joe's direction now. She didn't reply at first, just letting out a singular, full-body sigh. When she did eventually reply… "I killed a human," she stated with a bone-deep resignation.
Once more, a long quiet followed. Once it became clear that Rapi thought that was enough… "Elaborate," Joe outright commanded her.
Eyes snapping to him, Rapi looked dumbstruck, confused, and somewhat offended, even. "...What?"
"Context. Matters." Joe very forcefully, albeit slowly declared. "So elaborate."
She seemed unsettled, but, eventually, turned aside, seeming to stare out the window overlooking the Outpost as she did so. "...It was back when I was still with Absolute. We were in a firefight. In order to clear out hostiles, I threw a grenade… the explosion threw a person back. A human that had been blown in half from the waist-down by the explosive I'd tossed. They were still alive, made eye contact with me. They were in shock, but I could still make out the terror, confusion, the pleading glint in their eyes, before they just… died. And I didn't care."
That… actually caught Joe off-guard. Yet…
"I was just annoyed," Rapi continued, pointedly not looking Joe's way. "'I'm going to have to write up an entire report about this.' That, that is what went through my mind as I watched that person die, as that person looked into my eyes, as I watched the life fade from their face. Not… horror. Not guilt. Annoyance, because I felt like it would be a waste of my time to have to write up a report on this… murder I'd committed." She fell into something barely registering as a whisper. "That's… that's when I realized that I'm broken. That there's something fundamentally wrong with me. People… even humans shouldn't think like that, and that is anathema to what a Nikke should be. We exist to serve humans, to protect them, to fight for them and their future. We shouldn't even be capable of considering harming a human, and yet, when I killed one, I… I felt no shame. I felt no regret, no guilt. Just… annoyance."
She went quiet for several long moments, looking like she wanted to cry, but couldn't.
Joe was no mental health expert, but he knew exactly what he was looking at. "How long have you been serving? Before, with, and after Absolute," he asked.
That visibly disquieted Rapi. It wasn't the reply she'd been expecting, and she didn't like it, that much was clear. "...Too long," was all she said in response.
"And you haven't spoken to anybody about any of this," Joe stated, because he, again, had figured out where the pieces were falling into place. "You've quietly shouldered your burden, kept your mouth shut, and did what you were told this entire time. Am I right?"
"...Yes," Rapi answered matter-of-factually.
"So you've spent all this time," Joe continued. "As a Nikke of demonstrably higher calibre than most, being doubtlessly given mankind's greatest and most daunting battles, for years upon years upon years, just soldiering on, never saying anything, never asking for anything in return."
"...That is what it means to be a Nikke," she said, as if attempting to justify something to herself.
"Meaning that you've been bearing a burden greater than what even most other Nikkes would experience because of your capabilities. Unending combat. Rarely, if ever resting. Fighting, fighting without end. Against the greatest threat that has ever existed on planet Earth, always forced to be ready to fling yourself into what could be the last battle you ever fight."
Rapi did not respond. She'd weakly crossed her arms over her waist, almost daintily holding onto her own forearms. That wasn't a sign of defiance or stubbornness. That was an unconscious attempt at a self-hug. She was trying to comfort herself.
"Rapi. All throughout history, soldiers that have gone through less than you have developed worse coping mechanisms to deal with the stresses associated with combat. Blunted empathy… it's more common than you probably think it is-"
"So you're saying that it's normal that I didn't care when I killed a human!?" She snapped at him, almost snarling as she glowered openly.
"No," he firmly replied. "It's tragically unsurprising that the weight of your actions didn't hit you as it should have, when it should have. Being forced to fight for so long, being put in a combatant's mindset for so long, without support… that's what happens, Rapi. People cannot handle that. Something has to give. If it hadn't been your empathy, it would have been something else. Maybe even your sanity. I understand that it doesn't feel right, that you feel like you must be broken and can't be fixed… but that's only because you've been isolated, and haven't seen that it's not necessarily a one-way road you've gone down."
The little Nikke had gone quiet again, now staring at the floor, she didn't reply immediately to that. "...I'm a monster, Commander," was the eventual reply she did provide, however. "The fact that you believe otherwise is evidence of that. All that makeup… did its job too well."
Joe's brow furrowed in confusion, he didn't quite know what to make of that. "...What do you mean by that?" he asked.
"I can see mirrors just fine," she declared. "I can see… how hollow my eyes are. How inhumanly blank my face is. I saw it with my own two eyes… That's why I tried to cover it up. To hide it. To stop everyone from recognizing what I myself do whenever I look in a mirror. I don't have a soul. It's so obvious that I'm just a killing machine, but I didn't want anyone else to realize it. And… it worked, it worked because you think there's a person to be helped here. Not a…" she reached up, and again, the tips of her gloved fingers brushed against her deceptively soft cheeks. "...A tool. A weapon."
That… certainly explained the terrifying makeup. Rapi was in such a terrible head space, that she started to see something horrible in her own reflection; something that wasn't reflected in reality. She'd been trying to cover it up, to hide her shame. It worked in the wrong way - Joe hadn't noticed until it was gone, just how wildly apparent it was that Rapi was in pain. She… it was like she was seeing the inverse of what was actually in the mirror, wasn't it? She saw that porcelain doll without the makeup, even though she was just another person bearing her unaddressed, outright ignored trauma.
Fucking hell, even in the future, soldiers were emotionally neglected and just allowed to gradually break instead of being given the help they needed. Same shit, different day. Goddamned worthless fucking governments, no matter the time or place.
"...I can't cry, Commander," Rapi declared. "No matter what, no matter how much I try, no matter how much I think about what I've done, what I'm supposed to be… I don't cry." Her voice trailed off quietly, even as another few large chunks of the puzzle slammed into place for Joe. "People… humans cry. They cry when they make mistakes. They cry when they hurt others. But I don't."
She was trying to convince him, and in so doing, receive validation. How long had she been dealing with this trauma, to be at the point where she struggled to let it go, to be at the point where she clung to it like a safety blanket, like she needed it?
"There was a time when I couldn't cry too, Rapi," Joe asserted. "When life had become so hard, that I too, had to become uncaring, develop an edge, a wall just to make it through. It took a long time, it took a good deal of painful self-reflection… but eventually, I broke down those walls I'd once built up to protect myself. It sucked. Every minute of it, but eventually, I managed it, and I let myself feel again. The evidence of those walls may still be present, even readily apparent at times… but they don't dictate how I behave, how I treat others. Not entirely. Not anymore."
Stepping over to her, Rapi leaned away, but she didn't outright move to create distance. Joe reached out, and gently set a hand on her shoulder.
"You're a Nikke. According to the Ark, you're supposed to be a hero, unbending, unbreaking against all odds and hardships. But, it doesn't matter if most of you has been replaced with steel. A monster wouldn't feel shame, or guilt. A weapon wouldn't be disgusted by its own reflection. A tool wouldn't question its own humanity. You still have a soul, and it's so terribly clearly not made of stone. If it's your job to protect me, then it's my job to support you, Rapi. And I'm going to. No matter how long it takes. You are a person, you've been through Hell, and you've made terrible mistakes. But nothing you've said has done anything to convince me that you're anything less than human. Only that you've been failed by those around you up until this point. A mistake I swear that I'm not going to repeat like those that came before me."
After a moment of silence, Rapi just… staring into the void, her expression one of agonized confusion, Joe said fuck it and pulled her into a light hug, eliciting a small, uncharacteristically girlish chirp of surprise.
"You're stuck with me Rapi. And I refuse to not care. I'm sorry, but I'm too much of a stubborn fool to not stick to my guns, and I've made up my mind."
"...You shouldn't care," the little strawberry blonde protested weakly.
"But I do," Joe countered.
"...Idiot," she declared in naked exasperation.
"You catch on quick," he replied with a small grin. "Don't worry; you'll get used to it."
At that, Rapi just sighed in exhausted resignation.
He would make sure that she would get used to it.
Earl Silver
Not too sore, are you?
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Heartwarming. Truly beautiful. Now, as all things are on this crap sack of a world, something is about to ruin this beautiful moment, and I want to see whatever does burn.
Project Eden
Enthusiastic Seeker of Culture
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Rapi is a woobie. That's just another level of kuudere and they tend to have very high melting point.
Masayume
Professional Lurker
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Nah, I don't think Joe will let that happen. The most likely scenario would be that he would drag Snow away from Rapi and tell her about the mind switch.
Sad Machine
Happy Doob Year
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I thought the "change" in appearance was this horrifying thing now I get that its just Red Hood.
Savinkov
Vozhd
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We need a beach filler episode.
Ace of Scarabs
Polish my soul gem, you reprobrate~
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Good news, there is a plot-relevant story event where Counters goes to an island beach.
VH777Dragon
Versed in the lewd.
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Yeah that definitely works I now see what baka was trying to visualizeI thought the "change" in appearance was this horrifying thing now I get that its just Red Hood.
BakaSmurf
Only Human, After All
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I'm not sure if I'm misunderstanding what you meant to say here, but Beta (left) Rapi is indeed what she's looked like in OH up until this most recent chapter. Release (right) Rapi is what she looks like sans the unsettling heavy makeup. Her face has not physically transformed since she served as a member of Goddess, she just dresses and presents in a starkly different way compared to back then.
Meaning that when you imagine the events of Red Ash, you should be imagining Red Hood with Rapi's face, not the other way around.
Fragment of Serenity
Yu-Shan's Paperwork Ninja
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Good man Joe. Get your Nikke's that therapy. Therapy the fuck out of them. Powers know they need it.