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OverMaster's Little Crummy Corner of Sub-Par Writing

Reader mode
"You liar," Asuna said then, pointing at Evangeline's face.

Evangeline blinked.

"You aren't Eva, what the hell? You're Shiori, aren't you?!" Asuna said, bopping a pointer finger on the blonde's nose.

"I, I have no idea what you are talking about, Kagurazaka Asuna!" Evangeline blabbered. "Obviously, your ordeal has unbalanced you! Let's take you back to the past quickly so you recover!"

"Asuna," Chao said. "Think of what you're saying. To copy someone's form, Shiori needed to kiss them, do you really think Eva would ever let Shiori kiss her?"

"What's so bad about someone kissing Shiori?" Eva said, sounding strangely offended. "Is she disgusting or something?"

"You... You actually got a point there, Chao..." Asuna said, taken aback.

"Do you actually agree about Shiori being repulsive?!" Evangeline cried.

"Let's see, then you are... Clayface! Oh my God, Chao, how could you ally yourself with Clayface....!"

"Clayface has been dead for forty five years," Chao deadpanned.

"Mystique, then!" Asuna said.

"Fifty years," Chao snorted.

"The Chameleon...!" Asuna said.

"Seventy two years!" Chao shouted.

Asuna thought about this, frowned, and then karate chopped Eva on the head.

"Owie!" Evangeline said, turning back into Shiori. "Asuna-san! That was mean...!"

"Hah! I knew it!" Asuna crowed. "Wait, how did you ever get Eva to kiss you...?"

"I'm not disgust--"

"I'm not saying you are, but Eva's got very specific tastes! If it's not a Springfield, she won't give you the time of the day!" the redhead argued.

Chao sighed. "She and Eva-chan were together inside of Ialda Baoth for almost half a century, that counts as enough of a close contact for her to have assimilated all of Eva's traits..."

"Oh, that explains it... No, it doesn't explain anything!" Asuna said. "Why were you inside of the Mage of the Beginning?!"

"Well, without you, Ala Alba lost every battle against Ialda very badly, see?" Chao explained. "She killed pretty much everyone and absorbed them into her. That's why we want to send you back to the past."

"But... But we feared that you'd get too sad if we told you the truth, so..." Shiori said, fidgeting in nervousness.

Asuna blinked. "Oh... So... Everyone is dead after all? Even Eva-chan? Who, who ever stopped Ialda then?"

"Look, you don't need to worry about that!" Chao snapped. "Just be a good girl and let us send you back..."

"But you said it after Mahorafest, and Doctor Akagi confirmed it, when you change the past you only create a parallel timeline!" Asuna argued. "This world will continue existing as it is! If I'm not around, who will help you two beat Ialda?!"

Chao facepalmed. "Oh, NOW you have a good memory for these things! Listen, we'll be fine! Ialda was defeated..."

"How?! Everyone's dead!" Asuna cried.

"Not everyone..." Chao groaned, running the hand down her face.

Asuna squinted.

Chao did not flinch.

Asuna stared at Shiori. Hard.

Shiori began sweating bullets.

"Say," Asuna said. "If YOU were swallowed by Ialda, how are YOU even here now, Shiori...?"

"I got better!" Shiori eeped.

Asuna sighed. "I'm such a Baka. I should have thought of this from the start."

"Yes. Yes, you are and you should have," Chao droned.

Asuna summoned her sword to her hand and stomped a foot down, sending large amounts of dirt exploding into every direction. "OKAY, YOU CREEPS, COME OUT RIGHT NOW! WHAT THE HELL, WHAT KINDA SICK JOKE IS THIS?! ARE YOU INTO THIS, MISORA?! I SWEAR, IF YOU DON'T SHOW YOUR UGLY MUGS IN THIS VERY MOMENT, I'M GONNA--!"

Hastily, Negi, Setsuna, Karin, Chisame, Ayaka, some black haired boy, Sextum, Konoka, Nodoka, Yue, Haruna, Ku Fei, Mana, Zazie, Louise, Sora, Skuld, Makie, Misora, Cocone, Chachamaru, Satomi, Misa, Madoka and Sakurako all stepped out from behind the World Tree. It was a huge tree after all. They stood rigidly, almost tumbling onto each other, until finally reaching a functional arrangement of sorts.

"Holy funk, the Lifemaker got all of you guys?!" Asuna gasped in disbelief. "You sure can't get anything right if I'm not there!"

"Um, technically, Sku-chan and I survived those wars, Asuna-chan!" Makie said. She pointed at the little crescent moon shaped pink marks on her cheeks and forehead. "It's just that I'm still alive because I turned into a goddess, see?"

Asuna blinked, and then smiled hugely. "Maki-chan...! You married Skuld-chan...?!"

"AAAIIIIEEEEEE! Yes...!" Makie cooed happily, blushing and taking a hand to her cheek. "I'm Sku-chan's wifey-wifey now...!"

"Why... Why does everyone assume she married me as soon as they learn she's a goddess?" Skuld babbled.

Haruna chuckled. "What a silly thing to ask...!"

"And, what are you the goddess of, Maki-chan?" Asuna asked.

"The Goddess of Idiots!" Makie answered proudly.

Asuna slapped her shoulder. "Nice! You surround yourself with worthy acolytes, too!"

"Do we really need this Asuna-san?" Ayaka asked out of a corner of her mouth. "I'm fine already with the Asuna-san we have!"

"Shhhh," Negi said.

"And what happened to Morisato-senpai?" Asuna asked Makie.

"Um, well, you'll see...." Makie swallowed while a black aura began surrounding Skuld.

"Ah," Asuna said. "He ended up marrying Belldandy-sama after all?"

"Graaaaaaa," Skuld said.

Asuna sighed. "Fine. I think I get what you guys are trying to do here. I'm glad to see you all fine and kicking, but I understand why you'd want to send me back. Even if it won't do anything for you, I guess there's a point in trying to fix the past for another timeline. After all, you must be reeling over the death of Tsunetsuki-senpai, Chisame..."

"I'm not dead," Matoi said, standing behind Asuna.

"Gaaahhhhhhh!" Asuna yelled. "You were here?!"

"Yes, always." Matoi nodded.

Asuna blinked. "Uhhh... Right. Right! But it must be hard, having lost Akira..."

"The Sailor Senshi were taken in the same battle as us," Ayaka said, "but they also were rescued by Negi-sensei and Touta-kun. It's just that we couldn't all fit behind the tree together, so they stayed in the academy..."

"Ah," Asuna said. "But, Natsumi and Chizuru, no doubt you miss them..."

"Actually, the same thing happened with Natsumi-chan," Ayaka said, dragging a foot along. "As for Chizuru, she grew old and infirm, waiting for my return, but upon her natural death, she had her spirit placed by magical contractors of her zaibatsu in a young cloned body, so you could say it worked out as well..."

"..." Asuna said. "Good for her. But, Yuuna..."

"She didn't want to come along," Misa said. "She said she couldn't see you again, only to lose you again. Even though I told her that's dumb since there's still-- Never mind."

Asuna's fearsome squint returned. "What do you mean by that?"

"Nothiiiiiing," Misa said innocently.

"...was Haruka-senpai trapped with you as well?" Asuna asked next.

"No, she escaped that battle alive," Madoka said.

"Ah, so she's dead by now. Or was she cloned too?"

"Uh, actually, she, Tokiha-san, Minagi-san, the Student Council Prez, Rito's cousin, Kikukawa-san, Sugiura-sensei, Satsuki-chan, Kuga-senpai, Akane-san and Sister Yukariko were all Earthborn Valkyries,or HiME, so Yggdrasil hired them to serve in Sis Bryn's squadron..." Skuld explained.

"What in the world?! I don't even know who is that Akane-san you're talking about! Is that Haruna's aunt?! Did anyone actually die and stay dead after all?! Asakura?!"

"Oh, yes, yes!" Negi said. "But don't worry, she's currently an important reporter in Soul Society and is living happily there with Sayo! Although.. 'living' is perhaps not the best choice of words..."

"Kotaro?!" Asuna demanded.

"He and Kaede escaped as well, later married and had several children," Yue said while Nodoka briefly muttered under her breath. "I'd say they had a good enough life."

"Ako?!"

"She married her gynecologist. Normal enough life, I guess," Misa shrugged.

Asuna ground her teeth and began stamping her foot down. "You want to get rid of me so I can change the past, which can't be changed, even though you already got a collective happy ending?! Why are you like that to me?!"

"You haven't even asked about the Narutaki sisters," Negi said, sounding very disappointed. "That's so callous of you, Asuna..."

Asuna actually began sobbing. "Do you hate me that much?! Why?! Is it because you feel I failed you?! I wouldn't have gone away if I had believed any of this would happen, believe me...!"

"Asuna-chan, no!" Konoka gasped, horrified. "We'd never hate you, much less for something like that! It was our own fault, for parting with you like that!"

Asuna sniffled, while Negi and Setsuna hugged her tightly from the sides. Ayaka had started weeping herself, visibly moved. "Then... why..." She looked at the black haired boy. "And who are you anyway?"

"I'm Touta, Asuna-san! Your grandson!" the boy smiled warmly.

"What the--! I never had any children, what is this guy on?!"

"Actually, he's a clone of sorts made from your genetic material and Negi-kun's to fight the Lifemaker in your absence, Asuna-chan," Konoka explained patiently.

"Then he's not my grandson, he's more like my... son.... Oh God, my son with Negi," Asuna came to an awkward halt, blushing. "But, but that still doesn't explain why you wanted to get rid of me! It's not like you'd see the others again if you did!"

"You are already here, Asuna," a strangely familiar voice said, and Asuna blinked, startled, seeing another Asuna walk towards her, smiling, and wearing the ornate garments of Princess Asuna.

Asuna blinked, looked at Shiori, and then pointed at Asuna. "CLAYFACE!" she accused.

"I told you he's dead...!" Chao said.

"I am the Asuna who was awakened prematurely from your sleep," Asuna told Asuna, "to help Negi and Touta and everyone else. I will stay with them from now on, so you'll be here with them, forever. But you also must be with them back then, Princess--"

"I'm not the Princess!" Asuna interrupted Asuna. "You are the Princess!"

Asuna blinked. "What? No! You didn't answer the call of their hearts, so obviously you are the Princess!"

"I'm a heavy sleeper, that's all!" Asuna told Asuna. "And you gained my feelings during all that time we were one! But you are wearing the robes of the Princess, so you are the Princess, and I'm Asuna!"

"I only wore these because Chao wanted me to, in the event something like this happened!" Asuna protested to Asuna.

"What's that supposed to accomplish, convincing me that you're the Princess and that I'm Asuna (which I am, by the way)?! That's harebrained even for Chao!" Asuna shouted at Asuna.

Chao sighed. "I've been under a lot of pressure lately..."

Makie pointed at Asuna. "I think she's not Asuna, but the Princess. She uses too many big words..."

Both Asunas pointed at each other, copying the Spider-Man meme. "YOU ARE THE PRINCESS! I'M ASUNA!" they said.

Ayaka moaned, clearly torn between having a brain hemorrhage and an orgasm.

Sextum stroked her chin. "Maybe they merged to such a degree that now they are basically the same individual? In that case, the best thing to do might be merging them back into a single being."

"And then I stay, right?!" both Asunas asked in stereo, looking back at them.

"You sure you don't want to go back?" Misora asked. "To simpler times, when the world is less confusing and chaotic, and we are all at the plenty of our youth?"

Asuna shrugged. "I'd rather stay with you guys in the future we've forged together. I won't abandon you after you've worked so hard, and given up on so much, like... uhhh.... the Narutakis, I suppose."

"Asuna-chan...!" Konoka sobbed, throwing herself into her open arms,

Asuna smiled, patted her friend's back a few times, and then stepped back to face Asuna. "Okay. How do we do this?"

"How did they do it in that old fighting anime?" Asuna asked her.

"Are you... Are you seriously going to attempt merging to an atomic level by copying routines from cheap animated entertainment?" Sextum asked faintly.

Both Asunas posed ridiculously and then touched the tips of their fingertips together.

"FUUUUUU-SIOOOOON! HAAAAAAAA!" they shouted as one being. And a large flash of white light enveloped them.
 
"This is your cousin, Negi," her father said, extending a tiny baby wrapped in thick blankets towards her. "His mother died in childbirth, and now we have the obligation of caring after him."

The young girl with long, light blonde hair and large, beautiful blue eyes smiled widely, craning her neck ahead to get a better look at him. The baby had rosy plump cheeks and an adorable round face, and his head was almost fully bald, sporting only a few thick strands of thick dark red hair on his scalp. "He's so cute…!" she gushed.

"I know this is a high responsibility to ask of you," her father said solemnly, "but this isn't a doll or toy to look after. Bringing up a child is a heavy and long task, Nekane. Were your mother still alive, I wouldn't trouble you with this, but—"

But, by this point, Father's words stopped registering in the mind of Nekane Springfield for the time being. She had just stared into Negi's eyes, and he had stared into hers, full of newborn curiosity.

There was a spark, a primal jolt, a large impulse of brain electricity, suddenly whipping through the minds of both cousins. Nekane's mouth hung slightly open, and so did Negi's. They stared at each other in fascination, without understanding why.

But, even as the world around Nekane began taking form again, and Father's "Are you listening to me, child?" question was audible at last, she quickly grew assured of one thing, an unshakable new determination abruptly growing within her pumping heart and bringing a warm, pleasant sensation upon all of her being.

She knew that she loved her baby cousin, this lovely gift brought to her life.

And that she would do her best to make him happy. Always.

---

The 100 Girlfriends Who Really, Really, Really, Really, Really Love Negi Springfield.

---

Chapter One: What is a Cute Boy Like you Doing in a Place like This?
 
"Why are you crying? Are you dumb?" the little red haired girl in the lomng black dress and shoes asked, stopping by the riverbank and looking down at him.

The little red haired boy in the long brown coat and boots who crouched on the sand stopped sobbing for a moment, and looked up at her. "I… It's nothing!" he stammered after a moment of doubt.

"Then you're even dumber than I thought!" the little girl said. "What kind of idiot cries over n—"

And then both of them fell very silent and still, for their eyes had finally met fully, after the boy's initial reluctance to meet her gaze straight on. The girl felt herself brief tremble, almost threatened by a sudden, unexplainable urge to fall backwards. The boy did fall backwards, landing on his butt and supporting himself on his hands, planted on the dirt. "Ah… Ah…!" he said.

Faced with this kind of reaction, the little girl forced herself to snap back. "Wha-What kind of answer is that?!" she said. "What's your name?!"

"I… My name is Negi Springfield!" he said, regaining some composure and rising back to his feet while dusting himself off. "W-What is yours?"

After just pouting for a moment or two, she answered, blushing for some reason. "Anya… Anya Cocolova. Now tell me, why were you crying?"

"I told you, it's nothing… Well, it's about my father," he confessed.

"Your father is nothing?" she asked.

"No!" Negi said. "No, Father is the greatest mage who ever lived! Haven't you heard of Nagi Springfield?"

"The Thousand Master? The great local hero? THAT Nagi Springfield?" Anya asked.

"Yes!" Negi huffed with childish pride. "I was crying because I haven't been able to find him yet, but I will, soon! I was just having a brief, how do they call it, crisis of faith, but it's over now!"

"No way you're the Thousand Master's son!" Anya told him. "Mom says there are lots of fakers saying they're related to him!"

"I'm not a faker!"

"Besides, Nagi Springfield is dead, how do you hope to find him? Or do you want to find his grave?"

"No, he's alive and I'm going to find him!" Negi said.

Anya slapped herself on a knee. "What a fool!"

"I'll find myself a team of brave men like my father's Ala Rubra," Negi decided, huffing and puffing, "an' we'll beat fearsome enemies… only very fearsome enemies might have Father caught, after all… an' then we'll beat 'em all… and Father will be so proud… an', an' Father, Sister Nekane and I will—will—"

"A team of brave men?" Anya scoffed. "Only men?"

Negi blinked. "Um, well, I never said exactly that…"

"What's wrong with having women in your team too!?" Anya said. "Do you have anything against women?! We can do as many things as you men can!"

"I'm sorry, I never wanted to offend!" the boy gasped. "Um, would you like to join my team, then?"

"Joining a team led by a crybaby brat, to look for a dead man?" Anya mocked him.

"Do you have anything better to do at the time?" Negi asked.

Anya pouted. "What gives you the impression that I don't have—"

"You're all alone here," Negi pointed out, gently interrupting her, "and this is the place where lonely weird people come to vent out and cry."

Anya ground her teeth together, balled a fist up, and raised it over her head. Negi braced himself for her blow, but then she just sighed loudly and dropped to sit on the sand, by his side.

"Idiot!" she said. "I'm not all alone here! That's like saying you're all alone here, and what do you take me for, nothing?"

After a moment of pondering that strange manner of phrasing, Negi smiled. "I'm sorry."

"Yeah, you should be," Anya said, picking a pebble and throwing it into the quiet waters of the river. "So," she added after a beat. "How would you call this stupid, useless team of yours?"
 
Nekane heard laughter and shouting outside, and she looked out her window to see Negi, Anya, and Chamo the white ermine playing together, rolling across the green mountain fields behind the Springfield cabin.

The girl, now a young woman, smiled to herself. It was good to see Negi acting like a child again, after going through so much pain. When he had first returned from Merdiana Academy for the summer vacation he'd seemed so buttoned up and troubled, but Anya had gotten him to loosen up somewhat.

Nekane was rather grateful to Anya for that effect of humanizing Negi. All the same, she hoped that he wouldn't experience any more of those 'jolts' anywhere soon, or probably ever. Anya had grown strangely used to the idea that she was his girlfriend now, too much for someone their tender age, in Nekane's opinion.

The television screen in the room began showing a smiling face, that of an exotic, deeply tanned woman with gorgeous green eyes, long white hair, and a sultry body clad in a tight dark dress. She sat on a couch facing the screen, with sharp glasses on her face that lent her an intellectual air that still did not match the stark sensuality she exuded.

"Today, in Questions to Miss Urd," the female purred as Nekane's attention returned to the small TV set, "we will analyze the topic of young love relationships. A problem of our era, or a boon for the future?"

Nekane frowned at the TV. "A new show? How immoral sounding…"

She reached for the remote control and changed the channel.

But the show was in the next channel as well.

"There's no escape from it," the woman was saying. "It's a subject that we must face whether we like it or not. Your children, your nephews and nieces, your younger siblings and cousins… Are they growing interested on romance already? Miss Urd knows everything about—"

Nekane changed the channel again.

Now the woman still appearing on the screen frowned directly at her.

"Okay, Nekane," Miss Urd said. "We'll do it your way, then."

Nekane gasped, startled, a split second before a large flash of light erupted from the television, and the tanned woman pulled herself out of it and into her living room.
 
"I am Urd, Goddess of Love," the woman said, standing in the room over Nekane, who had dropped from her chair in surprise and now sat on the floor, staring up helplessly. "I am here to tell you about your cousin Negi..."

"What, what, what," Nekane repeated, stunned out of her mind. And then, since she was a Springfield, she swiftly pulled a wand out of her clothes and aimed it at the dark skinned female. "Margali Hemingway Derringer Proust!" she chanted. "Begone, you demon, or I'll blast you out of our home!"

Urd raised an eyebrow. "Are you seriously going to blast a goddess?"

"I won't let any evil presence bring harm to my Negi!" Nekane proclaimed firmly.

Urd sighed, taking a hand to her own head. "Yes, yes, I supposed that something like this could happen... I mean, since you are a completely devoted big sister figure, merely tied to your cousin by normal and perfectly innocent ties of blood with no ulterior motives..."

"E-Exactly!" Nekane said.

Urd stared down at her in silence for another moment. Then she added, "I think you aren't going to like this very much, but... I need to tell you. Since you are Negi's caretaker, and he's still not in the age to learn about such mysteries."

Negi's voice then rang from outside the house. "Sister! Do we have visits...?"

The so-called goddess cleared her throat and then said loudly, in a perfect copy of Nekane's voice, "No, Negi dear! It's the TV! Keep on playing with Anya until I call you for dinner, okay...?!"

"Okay...!" Negi's voice said, before being succeeded by the sounds of his steps rushing away and then that of Anya clonking him in the head.

Urd smiled. "Ah, young love!"

"If, if you are a goddess, how could you lie?!" Nekane gasped, aghast. "A lie! That was a gigantic vile fabrication!"

"There are levels for this kind of thing..." Urd waved a hand in circles. "But what I'm about to tell you is definitely true. I'm sorry, but it seems our Department made a slight mistake when Negi was born. A few red threads of fate were connected the wrong way here and there, and someone who definitely wasn't me took the 'heir of the Thousand Master' title a little bit too literally..."

"What, what do you mean with that?" Nekane asked.

"There's no easy way to say this. But there's a quick one," Urd said. "Your little brother is meant to have one hundred soul mates, who must live happily with him or else they will suffer horrible and unfortunate destinies eventually capped by darkly hilarious deaths and somesuch."
Nekane blinked, her face turning hideously pale.

Urd placed a soft hand on her shoulder. "You must be strong! He's bound to grow into a great, wise man, I'm sure he'll be up for that task. And I'll gladly lend you a hand to compensate for our-"

Nekane fainted.

Urd heaved a sigh and shook her head. "Whoever said that Love always makes you stronger obviously never was in this business."
 
The Uses of Super Speed.

"Ah, Negi, here you are," Chisame said, entering the room. "Haruna wanted to know if—"

She trailed off, seeing three identical Misoras, surrounded by vague blurs of motion, all kissing Negi at once from different angles.

Chisame gave a sigh. "I'd bet you never see anything like this in the Hall of Justice…"

---

"Ah, Wally, here you are," Batman said, entering the room. "Superman wanted to know if—"

He trailed off, seeing five identical Flashes, surrounded by vague blurs of motion, all kissing Linda West from different angles.

"Fort he love of God, Wally!" Batman roared. "How many times do we have to say this?! Nobody can bring any spouses to the job!"
 
Continuation of Another Dream.

She stood on the eternal field of flowers, her sword's tip planted on the ground, her blue gaze fixed on the blue distance, the skies that were starkly clear and sunny forever. Basking in the warmth, she stood guard in silence, a proud warrior in rest. The wars and the horrors stood long behind, lost in the mists of times that had lost all meaning so long ago, just like the concept of time itself.

She waited.

Some would have said there was nothing to keep watch for anymore, and hence nothing and nobody to wait for either. Most would have thought she should have gone insane, or that perhaps she already had gone insane, in her own way, for in a meaningless situation, surrendering to the despair of a lack of all purpose and stubbornly clutching to a purpose that clearly was not there anymore were divergent but equals symptoms of madness.

She would have paid them no mind. She waited in silence, smiling even, never faltering on her booted feet. A gorgeous statue in the field of flowers, but there was nothing stony or stiff about her immobility. Even though the only parts of her that moved were her hair and long skirt caressed by the breeze, and the chest that subtly rose and descended constantly under her chestplate with each breathing, there was no rigidity on her rest, and in any unexpected event, she would have been able to move again just as quick and swiftly as ever.

Under the sun, as fragrant as the flowers beneath her, a perfect still depiction of the ideal lady of war, the King of Knights kept true to her duty.

The King of Avalon stood in silence, the ideal sentinel for eternity, and yet holding the hope for release in her heart forever. If it never arrived, she would not complain, but she knew that it would. It was a certainty she could not express in words. It just existed in her, and that would always be more than enough to keep her there, alone with her thoughts.

Artoria Pendragon. The King of all Britons. This was her destiny.

And then, at some point or another, the miracle finally happened.

"Professor!" Saber cried joyfully as she ran through the flowery prairies to his encounter.

"Miss Artoria!" Negi responded with equal delight, going to meet her in a joyous mutual dash that seemed to send invisible ripples of pure, warm, untold power all across the Timeless Fields of Avalon.

Then something struck the former Saber, just as they came into close reach with each other. Wait a second, she thought. Negi…?

Oh, well, this must be a continuation of the Unequally Heaven's Feel route, Artoria reasoned, and crouching down to hug Negi tightly, as he threw himself into her arms.

For a moment that lasted another eternity, they held each other under the perfect sun, and everything was good.
 
Hasegawa Chisame Route, Part 1
  • Threadmarks
    • Mahou Sensei Negima! is the creation and intelectual property of Akamatsu Ken and Kodansha.

    ---

    Crisis on Infinite Girlfriends.

    ---

    Hasegawa Chisame Route.

    ---


    The world used to be steady and stable before the arrival of Negi Springfield.

    It used to be that, even in the weirdness of Mahora Academy, everything could be easily explained and justified one way or another. Karakuri Chachamaru was an oddity to be sure, but one explainable by modern science. Boo-sensei acted weird and spoke with an unidentifiable guttural accent that sounded like a giant lizard gargling, but that was to be expected of foreigners. Honnouji attacked regularly with fanatics wearing superpowered uniforms, but once again, there were reasonable explanations behind that, chief among them being Honnouji's power lust.

    Negi-sensei's arrival had changed the rules, in that he had destroyed the rules and replaced them with chaos reigning over Chisame's life.

    The worst part was that you couldn't even be mad at him about it. That is, you could, and with Chisame being Chisame, she often got mad, but she'd invariably feel bad about that. He still was only a child, after all. Ten years old, with a round smiling face and fair skin topped by a thick mop of unruly dark red hair. Considering how fastidious and formal he was with his clothes, it was peculiar how he had his hair so long, but Chisame already could understand the part about it being so wild.

    She had tried combing it, and that had turned out a bitch of a task.

    This afternoon, shortly after she'd found his secret and he'd found out hers, they saw in the living room, under the warm fading sunlight falling into the apartment, through a window. Chisame was barefoot and wearing only shorts and a tank top, her hair tied back into the usual light brown ponytail, her large round glasses in place. Negi was in white socks, his white undershirt, and dark green dressing pants.

    "Hey, Sensei," she said.

    "Hmmm?" Negi said, looking up slightly from the book he was flipping through. "What is it, Hasegawa-san?"

    "There's something I just don't get," the female student confessed. "How does being a teacher in Japan help you to become a qualified Western mage? Who says when you've succeeded enough as a teacher? And how does that experience help you at all later, with making potions and all that stuff?"

    "Well, as for your second question, Headmaster Konoe will be the judge of that, naturally," the child explained calmly. "After he believes enough time has passed for me to be graded and analyzed properly, he'll send his impressions back to Magus of Merdiana and he'll either approve his results or call me for further questioning. The first and third questions are basically the same, and to that, I can only say that I don't know yet."

    "How come?" the pockmarked thin girl asked him.

    "Very often, the purposes of a task assigned by the Spirits of Magic won't be obvious immediately. Years may pass before it's seen how the endeavor was related to the mage's later course in life," Negi told her. "That is why we call the Spirits one of the Great Mysteries. They act in forms that we only can understand only after the fact, and as such, there's no point in questioning their decisions."

    "Okay, but do you guys have a numeric system to know when you've qualified or not?" Chisame asked. "Exactly what do you need to know you've made it? Do you need to kill a certain amount of dragons or something?"

    "Goodness, no, dragons are almost extinct!" Negi laughed. "They're a protected species now. Let's see… the specifics depend a lot on the severity of the evaluator at hand, and the pedigree of the mage's family. Clock Tower, for instance, is very strict on your qualifications for graduation. Overall, one of the first things a mage needs to achieve to merit the Magister Magi title is gaining a partner."

    "You mean allying yourself with another mage?" Chisame wanted to know.

    "Not exactly," Negi said, "although two mages can become partners to each other. Generally, that is seen as unadvisable since you're meant to become a Magister on your own, and not the Minister to another. The partner, more often than not, is a non-mage, but a person who has knowledge about the world of magic and is able to support their mage in combat."

    "Like a martial artist or a swordsman?" Chisame asked.

    "Very perceptive," he said, nodding. "Casting magic relies on spells for the most part, and a mage is vulnerable while casting. The partner, then, acts as the mage's human shield until the casting is complete, and also watches their back in battle."

    "I see. That makes sense, I suppose…"

    Negi smiled. "Many mages end up marrying their partners. On average, a male mage is expected to find himself a cute female companion, and a female mage will search for a strong paladin…"

    Chisame frowned. "That sounds like it's just an excuse to romance strong people, then!"

    There was a soft, but long drawn gasp coming from right at the front door at that moment, followed by a sharp shushing noise. Chisame and Negi rushed there, hearing new sounds in the form of quickly retreating foot stomps, but predictably, when they got to open the door and peek out, there wasn't anybody in sight, anywhere.

    "The Narutaki twins," Chisame said, looking down at several small muddy footprints, fresh all over the hallway's floor. "They must've been on their way back from strolling, and came here to eavesdrop…"

    Negi winced. "That's bad. Suppose they heard anything…!"

    Chisame threw her hands up and began walking back inside. "Whatever! I'll just tell everyone you were sharing fairy tales from your country. It's the most believable thing after all…!"

    "Thank you," Negi said, gulping and closing the door after themselves. "Still, I can't help worrying only a bit…"

    The next day, a large group of Mahora female students gathered around their front door.

    "Negi-kun...!" Shiina Sakurako said. "Is it true that you're looking for a wife...?!"

    "Negi-kun, I heard that you want to take a girl to a ball in a tower!" Sasaki Makie gushed. "I should tell you that I'm a very good dancer!"

    "I was told that you are European royalty, Negi-sensei!" Asakura Kazumi said, grinning and holding a microphone up. "Our readers will be highly interested in a confirmation or rebuttal!"

    "Hey, boy, are you interested in joining a club of the supernatural?!" Suzumiya Haruhi asked, loudly rapping on the door.

    Negi hid under the lunch table, crouched down and with both hands on his head. "Hakase-san! Hasegawa-san! What should I do?!"

    "Taking asylum in another country sounds very good right now," Chisame said, typing at her computer. "Wait a sec, I'll tell you how much a plane ticket to Wakanda is costing you now."
     
  • Threadmarks
    • "Well, that was a beautiful ceremony," Nekane sighed as the three of them left the gigantic, solemnly lit main hall of the titanic and gothically cavernous Merdiana Academy. Anya marched to her left and Negi to her right, both wearing the mandatory graduation long black robes and pointy hats. "Now all you have left to do is seeing what are your assignments."

    "Y-Yes, of course," Anya gulped nervously, undoing the green wax seal the Dean had placed on the parchment he had given her. "Let's see, hopefully it's something nice and comfortable in London…"

    She opened the scroll with shaky hands, lay eyes on the letters just appearing on it, and made a short strangled sound.

    "What is it, Anya?" Negi asked, sounding concerned.

    "A teacher in an all female Japanese school!" the little girl gasped. "I, I can't believe it! What are the Spirits thinking with this?!"

    "Ah, Japan," Nekane said. "A land of exotic mysteries and ancient legends. You're bound to learn a lot about magic while there, Anya."

    "But, but I wanted to be with Negi!" Anya complained. "How will I see him if I'm half the globe away?!"

    "You always can visit each other during vacations and holidays. It's not such a big deal," the blonde sentenced.

    Anya pouted very deeply. "That won't be the same…!"

    Negi smiled and gently patter her on a shoulder. "There, there. Hope springs eternal, right? Please wait until I've seen my assignment before losing hope."

    "What, what are the odds you'll be assigned to Japan as well?" Anya murmured. "You naive bloke!"

    "Our love will overcome everything…" Negi said confidently, undoing his own seal and also unfolding his parchment. He almost grinned as he saw the words making act of presence on it. "See? Being a teacher in an all female school in Japan!"

    "Don't mock me!" Anya whined, karate chopping him in the back of the neck. "What does it say?!"

    "I'm not lying, just see it yourself…" Negi said patiently, putting the scroll in front of her face.

    Anya frowned at it at first, but then her face slowly lit up in a wide, shit-eating smile.

    Moments later, both children held hands, bopping in place continously right before each other.

    "We're going to be together!" they sang. "They're going to stay together, oh joy…!"

    Ah ha ha, well, it's better this way, Nekane thought while watching them, with a small drop of sweat running down her face. If he's going to be in a whole new country with a fully different culture, odds are he'll connect with the girls there a lot less, so he's unlikely to find himself any new girlfriends…

    She paused.

    All the same, she added to herself, lightly tapping her fingers on her cheek, I'd better try and do something about this…
     
    The End of Innocence.

    The Resort:

    Negi woke up at the middle of the night with a dry throat and an urge to use the bathroom.

    Yawning, he got up from the bed and exited the room in silence. Not surprisingly, he noticed the small bed next to his was empty, in his way out.

    He passed by the door of Keiichi-san's bedroom.

    "Oh gods," Sora-san's voice was gasping. "Oh, yes. Senpai," she moaned. "Senpaiiii! My body is moving on its own...!"

    Negi began mumbling to himself as he sped his steps up.

    Next he passed by Itoshiki-sensei's room.

    "I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I didn't move aside in time!" Kaga-san was gasping. "Oh, I'm so terribly sorry, it happened again, I'm so clumsy! W-What if I bother you with an unwanted child!"

    "I'm in despair!" Itoshiki's voice wailed. "My lack of foresight regarding condoms has left me in despair...!"

    Negi groaned, bopped his fist on the door hard a couple of times, and kept on walking.

    Then he passed by Emiya-san's room.

    "Ah!" Saber's voice gasped. "Yes! That's it, Shirou! Mana! I need that mana...!"

    "Here it goes, a lot of mana, Saber...!" Shirou's voice howled, amidst vigorous sounds of flesh slapping flesh.

    Negi closed his eyes and muttered miserably, never stopping.

    Finally, he passed by a broom closet.

    "Hee hee heee, keep going! Keep going!" Chachazero's voice was commanding with giddy perfidy. "Or else I'll slice your neck off...!"

    "B-But Zero!" Chamo's voice whined. "I hurt down there already...!"

    "You can't even do it five times in a row?! You wimp?! Maybe you'll like it better if I cut it off and feed it to you!"

    "Okay, okay! I'm trying!" Chamo pleaded desperately.

    Negi reached the bathroom, attended nature's call, and washed his hands off thouroughly.

    He made sure of taking the long way back, stopping along the way to grab some cold water from an icebox.

    He made it back to his bedroom, locked the door after himself, and tucked himself in bed, pulling the sheets up over his head.

    "The sooner I find Father and leave, the better...!"
     
    What Masters Really Want.

    "Master, please reconsider," Anastasia said. "I understand that our mission is highly important, but what need is there to hold such a vitriol against Fujimaru Ritsuka? He obviously doesn't compare to you. Obsessing over him so much could only lead to your undoing…"

    "Oh, Princess, I'm sure even you wouldn't understand," Kadoc lamented. "How could you? You are so sublime, so accomplished… For me, it's a matter of pride, of right and wrong. Despite him being a nobody, his unearned triumphs have shamed me. I can't let it go until I've proved myself I can surpass them."

    He tightened a fist and trembled.

    "His acclaim… His sense of self… His fame… And his women! So many women! Not a single one! Tamamo-no-Mae! Scathach! Nero! The Queen of Sheba! Florence Nightingale! Jeanne D'Arc! Semiramis! Medusa! Mede—"

    Anastasia frowned very deeply, and turned him into a block of ice.
     
    How do You Say 'Shounen Ai' in Ancient Helenic?

    Ikari Shinji pulled back, violently, from the albino white haired boy he'd been kissing.

    "R-R-Ruh-Rider!" Shinji gasped, terrified. "I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! I, I, I never should've done this! Please d-don't kill us…!"

    Medusa stared at them, dumbfounded, for several moments. Then a thin line of blood ran down her nose. She pulled a pen and notebook out of… somewhere… and said quietly, "Please don't mind me, Master. Keep on going…"

    Kaworu smirked while Shinji just facefaulted. "Well! She is Greek after all!"

    And they lived happily ever after.
     
    Tohru and the Monthly Stipend.

    "Here, Kobayashi-san!" the maid smiled, handing her a small wrapped package. "A humble gift for you!"

    "Huh? You shouldn't have bothered, it's not even my birthday…" Kobayashi said, opening the package and pulling a fine necklace out. "Tohru! This is too pricey, I don't pay you that much!"

    "Don't worry, Kobayashi-san, it's all paid from my money!" Tohru laughed.

    "You mean that stash of gold you dragons always keep hidden? Like in The Hobbit?"

    "Oh, no, mine is in a cave in Mundus Magicus!" Tohru said. "But I'm an endangered species, so I receive a monthly fee through Maginet from the Ostian Senate!"

    "… exactly how much is that?" Kobayashi asked.

    Tohru smiled, pulled her phone out, and showed her a bank account.

    "… damn," Kobayashi said. "You know, there are only three of us left in my family, do you think I could apply for one of those…?"
     
    "You know, Chisame-han," Tsukuyomi said as she, Chisame, Louise and Yue relaxed in the bath, "now that you know that Negi-han is a prince, what does that mean for your future together?"

    Chisame frowned. "What are you babbling about now?"

    Tsukuyomi shrugged. "Think about it! Even if he's the scion of a deposed family, he's still nobility! He can't just marry anyone! Certainly not a commoner like you..."

    Chisame frowned, and then punched the water, sending a large splash on the blonde's face. Tsukuyomi only laughed. "Reacting like that won't change the truth! He needs to marry another noblewoman, of course! Even Suzushiro-han or your Class Rep won't cut it..."

    "What, what makes you think that I want to marry Negi?!" Chisame growled.

    Yue and Louise only rolled their eyes in silence.

    Tsukuyomi smirked shiftly at the pink haired girl. "On the other hand, you, Louise-sama, have the status and pedigree for it. You DO intend to marry Negi-han, don't you?"

    "Of course I do! I need to!" Louise said. "He stole my first kiss and took me on the run with him, after all!"

    "You followed us," Yue said. "And he stole the Vice President's lips before yours, if anything she's got a better claim than you..."

    "The psycho said it better than I could," Louise sneered, "she just doesn't have a rank comparable to mine."

    "Psycho? That isn't a very polite thing to call someone who sounds just like you?" Tsukuyomi said, amused.

    Louise, for once, decided to ignore her, choosing to look at Chisame instead. Seeing how the taller girl was sulking in silence, she felt sorry for her, and patted her on an arm. "There, there," Louise said. "Don't feel bad about it! I'll let you be his secretary and mistress, you always were by his side after all..."

    Now THAT not only shocked Hasegawa herself, but also Yue AND even Tsukuyomi, all three of them choking and gagging violently in their saliva.

    "Is, is this your notion of a joke?!" Yue could say at last. "YOU of all people approve of Sensei having a lover...!?"

    "Well, if he's really a prince, then it's inevitable!" the pink haired girl said, throwing her hands up. "I'd never put up with this from someone at my own level, or below it! But rulers are supposed to have several women, in the event their wife can't deliver an heir, or the heir isn't fit to rule! I'm certain I'll be plentiful, of course, but even so, it's been the tradition for centuries! I'd be accused of sabotaging the Ostian bloodline if I acted otherwise!"

    Chisame got out of the water making a very loud and rough sound, quickly toweling herself half-dry in a careless fashion, then wrapping the towel around herself and stomping out of the bath.

    Louise pouted. "What is her problem?! I granted her such an honor...!"

    Yue sighed. "Where we come from, being a mistress is considered a dishonor. An insult, even."

    Louise gave her a bewildered look. "Even to a king?!"

    "Even to kings!" Tsukuyomi said. "But, it's complicated, you'll see. Many women offer themselves to be lovers, but generally they aim to make the man divorce and take over as the new wife. It's not supposed to be a permanent status, although... there are people for everything!" She shrugged.

    "Basically, you have just insulted Chisame, telling her that she's beneath your station and that she only can be a second class mate, while you are by Sensei's side always."

    "I... I never wanted to insult her!" Louise protested. "That is, she is beneath my station, yes, but neither of us could prevent it! Any commoner would be honored to be the mistress to a king..."

    "You'd better go and apologize to her." Tsukuyomi giggled. "But adjust your attitude while doing so! Keep in mind where she comes from!"

    Yue raised an eyebrow. "Wow, sage advice for once?" she asked while Louise pulled herself up from the water and began drying herself. "Where is the trick?"

    Tsukuyomi licked her own lips all over. "I want to be left alone with you, naturally."

    Yue's eyes widened. "LOUISE!" she cried, reaching out for La Valliere. "Wait for me...!"

    "Sorry, Yue," Louise said firmly, not looking back while marching out. "But this is between Miss Chisame and me."

    "No, no, you aren't understanding!" Yue said, trying to pull out. "Don't leave me with-!"

    Louise was gone already, though, and Tsukuyomi had grabbed her from behind and pulled her back.

    There was a scream of "NODOKA!"

    Louise reached Chisame's room soon enough. She'd expected to have to blow the lock up with Void Magic, but she tried to open it the normal way first, and she was surprised to see it wasn't locked.

    Chisame was sitting before a mirror, with her back turned on her, wearing a robe and tying her hair back into the ponytail. "I have this stupid habit of forgetting to lock," she groaned. "That's how Negi found out I was Chiu."

    "You were what?" Louise asked.

    "That doesn't matter. What do you want?"

    "I... I want to apologize," Louise said reluctantly. "Yue said I'd insulted you..."

    "Yes. Yes, you did."

    "So... Do we have to compete for Negi, then? Is there no way we can share him? Or do you expect me to be the mistress? I'll never put up with that, my pride as a-"

    "Marry him if you want!" Chisame scoffed. "Like I care!"

    Louise scowled. After a moment in silence, she said, "I don't want to be your enemy. You, among all of them, are the only one I want to call my friend."

    Finally, Chisame looked back at her. "Excuse me?!"

    Louise nodded. "I... I like you, Chisame. You are serious and you speak honestly, as long as your feelings for Negi aren't involved in-"

    "What kind of stupid feelings are you talking about, woman?!"

    Louise sighed and ran two fingers down her own nose. "See, that's what I mean, you idiot! I like you regardless! You don't mock others for what they are, but you don't suck up to anyone, either. Listen, all through my life, I've been surrounded by two kinds of people. Those who would flatter me for my birthright, and those who would laugh at me because I couldn't meet the standards of said birthright. You have no idea of what it is like, to be an outsider among everyone. To never click with anyone..."

    Chisame winced.

    Louise gestured at her with a clenching hand. "You don't treat me for what I am, or what I should be! You and Negi treat me for who I am! Do you understand it?! Or it doesn't translate well!?"

    Chisame paused. "I... I think I understand the basics..."

    "That's what I said I'd be willing to put up with your being Negi's mistress," the smaller girl said. "You're pleasant to have around. It... It's not like I really like you or anything! But even if you're weak and nagging, one still feels safe around you for some reason! And, and you make Negi feel good too, okay?!"

    She looked down and admitted in a miserable tone, "Better than I can ever make him feel..."

    Chisame blinked. "Louise..."

    Louise sniffled and threw herself against her, hugging her tightly. "Please don't be my enemy, you moron! I have too many of them, anywhere I look! After losing Cattleya, and being separated from Henrietta, you... you are the only friend of sorts I have...!"

    Chisame blinked several times, and then, slowly, she hugged her back. "I don't want to be anyone's enemy either... Not even yours..."

    They held each other, not saying anything.

    "We'll figure something out, eventually," Chisame promised at last. "Negi's still a brat, anyway, isn't he? It's not like you can marry him right away..."

    "Y-Yes... I mean, no... I suppose..."

    "And besides, there's still the whole matter of clearing our names and taking these creeps out," Chisame grumbled, rocking her back and forth softly. "Who's got time to worry about romance nonsense while that's going on?"

    Louise only nodded, saying nothing.

    Chisame patted her back almost maternally.

    A sharp, nearly roaring cry, in Nodoka's voice, of "TSUKUYOMI-SAN...!" broke through the night.

    Chisame smiled. "I've got to warn you," she told Louise. "Negi's not even the most devoted guardian knight and 'charming prince' we know..."
     
    Eden's Zero is the creation and intellectual property of Mashima Hiro and Kodansha.

    Mahou Sensei Negima!     is the creation and intellectual property of Akamatsu Ken and Kodansha.


    To Reach Eden, Live with Zero Regrets.


    "Look. Up, in the sky," Nagase Kaede said, pointing upwards.

    Naba Chizuru, who had been tanning in the beach chair next to Nagase's, took her sunglasses off and made her gaze follow the pointer finger her tall, athletic classmate was aiming at the clear blue skies. Chizuru squinted, unable to see anything of note. But she supposed there had to be something; Nagase had a peerless eyesight, even if she most often walked around with her eyes closed.

    "It's a bird!" the pink haired, tiny Narutaki Fuuka said, leaping out of the swimming pool in a frilly yellow bikini.

    "It's a plane!" the pink haired, tiny Narutaki Fumika said, coming out of the pool after her twin sister, and throwing shade over her eyes with a hand, clad in a frilly light blue bikini.

    "Y-You don't think that's... him, right?" Izumi Ako gulped, walking closer to her classmates. She was wearing plain shorts and a light midriff-exposing top, her feet in sandals.

    "No, it's obviously a plane," Kaede said, although Chizuru still couldn't see anything. Neither could Ako, for that matter. "Fuuka-dono just couldn't miss the chance to kick that routine up."

    "Technically you started it, Oneesama..." Fuuka groaned, while the other Class 3-A students gathered around the pool, that was, Zazie Rainyday, Ookuchi Akira, Asakura Kazumi, Tatsumiya Mana, Yotsuba Satsuki, Ku Fei, and a very apathetic Evangeline A.K. Mc Dowell, came closer as well, all of them staring up too.

    Finally, Chizuru could see something. It was, indeed, some manner of aircraft, not too large, but definitely bigger than a helicopter. It didn't exactly look like any airplane she had ever seen before, but it was vaguely fish-like in form, somewhat organic looking. Painted in black and white, with a long, sharp wing at each side.

    Ako clasped her hands together. "M-Maybe they're bringing Makie-chan and the others!"

    "Do you think so? Someone would have called us by now," the red haired Asakura said, humming as she pulled her camera out and began taking pictures. "Maybe you guys should get away, it's getting awfully close..."

    Mana's cellphone began ringing. The tall and dark skinned exotic beauty, wearing a bikini as black as her long hair, picked it from the small table where she'd just left her drink. "Headmaster? Yes, I'm seeing it now," she said. Calmly, she cocked a rather large gun in her other hand. "Yes. Definitely alien. No, please hold the teachers back. They could just hasten an incident..."

    "A-Aliens?!" Fuuka and Fumika screamed, jumping back from Mana as if she was the alien herself.

    "It's not any Earth design I'm aware of, although it could be Doctor Doom or Lex Luthor trying to attack the Academy," Mana noted too evenly, while Zazie yawned very quietly and juggled several colorful balls. "In any case, she clearly passed through the international surveillance undetected. Or else we'd have a coalition here already."

    "A coali-what?" Ku Fei asked.

    "It's not a Skrull design, or an Urusian ship," Satsuki noted in a very soft tone of voice. Chao had made her study and learn all the types of alien warships that had attacked the planet so far just in case, and Lala-senpai had taught her about others before leaving for Wales with the rest of the English Research Society. "It doesn't even have any external weaponry mounted on..."

    "Too close! Really too close!" Asakura shouted, wondering why nobody had come yet, screaming and demanding to know what was up. Then again, after Mahorafest most students and staffers now locked themselves up quickly whenever something strange happened. Kazumi guessed she couldn't blame them. "I just hope it doesn't bring any civilization-ending viruses!"

    The ship landed almost vertically several blocks' worth ahead of them, at the middle of a large field surrounding the sports grounds where the remainers of 3-A had been spending the day trying to relax. Chizuru noted that it didn't burn the land under it upon landing, and it had been a very graceful and uneventful contact. Perhaps, she tried to tell herself, this was just an experimental ship taking a test flight, or at worst someone from Honnouji trying to pick a fight...

    Evangeline smirked then- always a bad sign- and began walking there, with almost giddy malice and curiosity. "Oh, finally something to spice this boredom up...!"

    "Eva...? Damm it, Eva!" Asakura called after her. "I don't want to cover your death by an alien ray, remember that you're just human right now!"

    "There's no danger. Yet," Zazie said blandly, starting to follow Eva at a sedate pace while still juggling her balls.

    "Yet?!" Ako whined, and then sighed and went after Akira-chan, who had frowned and rushed to meet the strange object with the others. Seriously, this heroine business had ruined poor Akira-chan...

    "Neechan!" Fumika sobbed as she and Fuuka sat on Kaede's shoulders, both hugging their protector figure tightly. "You, you won't let anything happen to us, will you?!"

    "Ah ha ha, of course this one won't, Fumika-dono," Kaede laughed easily, walking ahead while Ku cracked her knuckles together and grinned by her side. "When has this one failed you? Would this one willingly take you to a dangerous situation, ever? Please do tell."

    "You take the ones who come out right side, I take ones who come out of left side," the green eyed Chinese girl told Kaede.

    "Deal!" Nagase nodded happily.

    "Y-You are thinking of starting a major fight with aliens already!" Ako complained, rubbing her own temples in circles. Chisame better return soon! This Only Sane Woman job sure was a load!

    Finally, the girls all stopped before the ship. It wasn't emitting glowing radiation and killing them yet, so that was good. On the other hand, it wasn't doing anything, period, either, not even a sound, and after a few minutes of waiting, that actually began to take a toll on Chizuru's nerves.

    "Say," Naba said. "Maybe it's just a remote control drone. Tatsumiya-san, I think you should already tell the teachers to com-"

    "Boooo-ring!" the black bikini-wearing Evangeline shouted, stomping to the ship itself and beginning to slam a bare foot on its side. "Hey, Mr. Spock, are you going to show up or what?! We took the effort to come here, so tell us what you want already!"

    "GAHHHHHHH!" Asakura said. "S-Stop that! What are you, insane?!"

    A door on the side of the ship opened itself from the inside. Everyone, except for Evangeline, took several quick steps back. In Ako's case, she stumbled back and dropped on her butt on the dirt.

    A figure stepped out of the ship.

    It was a woman. A very beautiful young woman with long, flowing, wavy light blonde hair, much clearer in tone than Evangeline's or Yukihiro Ayaka's. Her eyes were very large and blue, round and clearly not Asian at all. She wore a tight, sleeveless white blouse flattering her firm and ample bust, plus a very short hip hugging black skirt and tall boots.

    The Mahora girls all stared at her, unable to say anything for the moment. Your move, alien.

    A small and chubby cat, covered in blue fur all over except for its white belly, walked out after her, and then stood on its two stubby hind legs. It smiled, waved a fore paw up, and said in a happy, peppy voice, "What's up!"

    "What the flip," Ako said, still sitting on the ground. Akira had moved before her to shield her with her body, but otherwise she was too stumped to help her back up.

    The gorgeous blonde rasped, then coughed delicately into a creamy white fist, and then smiled at them all. "Greetings!" she said in a loud, cheerful voice with a soft accent that was impossible to pin down. "We come in peace! I'm Rebecca Bluegarden, and this is Happy! We are looking for your champion, Virtual Idol Chiu, so I can challenge her to a duel!"
     
    "Chiu?" Chizuru said after a few moments of shared silence. "Do we know anyone named Chiu?" she added, looking at her classmates.

    "She's a virtual idol on the Internet, fairly popular," Kazumi said with a shrug of shoulders.

    "A frequent topic of discussion among customers," Satsuki piped in. "Apparently, she's very beautiful..."

    "Makie used to watch her videos for fashion tips," Ako said, while Akira finally helped her up.

    "Oh, hey, Akira-chan," Minako waved casually as she, an intrigued Mayu and a frowning Shiho walked in, with Artemis following them. "We heard there's an alien invasion going on, is that it?" she asked, pointing at the ship.

    "We definitely have grown too used to death, devastation, and supernatural warfare!" Shiho barked.

    "Oh, hello, Minako!" Akira smiled, waving back and letting Ako drop back down without meaning to. "It doesn't seem to be an actual invasion, just a fan looking for someone called Chiu!"

    "Eh, seriously?!" Minako eeped excitedly, clasping her hands together as her blue eyes grew huge and starry. "That's AWESOME! I'm a very big fan of Chiu! She is, like, soooo cool...!"

    "... I think I'm not that weak, actually, I should pull myself back already," Ako decided, doing just that.

    "I... I'm not a fan, really," the alien said. "I mean, I admire what I've seen of her craft, but like I said, I'm here to challenge her...!"

    "Oh, so it's an invasion after all," Shiho said bitterly, pulling her transformation pen out. "You'll destroy the planet if this person doesn't battle you, right...?"

    "What?! NO!" Rebecca shouted, scandalized. "What kind of monster do you take me for?!"

    "Besides, this is the planet where Superman lives, isn't it?" Happy asked. "Why would we attack it with a single small ship?"

    Mayu looked at Artemis. "Friend of yours?" she asked him.

    "Never saw him before," the white Mau answered.

    "Let me explain, please!" Rebecca said, holding a hand up. "I'm a space V-Cuber, a rising star in the interplanetary web of entertainers and influencers! Through recent scans of this planet, our community has discovered Chiu's videos, and they've actually become quite popular! They are rough and primitive, certainly, but they have an undeniable primal appeal..."

    "They are naif art!" Happy enthused. "Many fans have latched onto their kitsch nature and Chiu's legs! So Rebecca got the idea of coming here and proving her worth through either a collaboration or a fair match!"

    Rebecca smiled and patted herself on a thigh. "Eh he he...! I mean, not to beat my own drum, as you say here, but I'm not lacking in regards to legs either...!"

    "... what an idiocy," Evangeline mumbled. "I am truly disappointed. Back in my day, aliens came to raise actual carnage and havoc, like Space Pirate Ryoko..."

    Happy blinked. "I think this planet has grown too confident after beating the Urusians, Skrulls, and Gah Lak Tus back."

    "Okay, and... what drew you exactly to this place in your search?" Mana asked, already dreading the answer. "Did you pinpoint those signals you got to this exact site?"

    "Aye!" Happy answered. He pointed towards the building of the female residences. "We got to track the signal to the third floor of that building!"

    "Ah, what a shock," Shiho deadpanned. "Right where most of 3-A lives. Of course it would be 3-A...!"

    "I... I want to debate that, but... Honestly, I can't," Ako sighed. She scowled at her classmates. "Okay, let's come out clear, are any of you Chiu?"

    "I no had idea that person existed until right now," Ku Fei said.

    "If I were Chiu, I'd spend all day long locked in my bathroom, if you know what I mean!" Minako chirped.

    "WAY TOO MUCH INFORMATION!" Shiho shouted at her while Mayu made a deep grimace of long suffering and groaned.

    "Of course you can't be, you are all too short..." Rebecca said, holding a hand around the height of the heads of Shiho, Eva and Ako, "... or too tall..." she added, raising the hand to the height of the heads of Kaede, Mana and Akira... "Or way too, well, you know!" she gestured towards her own chest, making signs of expanding her breasts while staring at Chizuru's.

    "You aren't exactly small either," Chizuru said in a neutral tone, looking at Rebecca's rather substantial cleavage in return.

    Asakura smirked, starting to rub her chin. "Oh ho ho ho ho, now that's interesting! That means the famous Chiu must be one of our classmates who left with Negi-sensei!"

    "Eh, she left?" Rebecca asked. "Where to!? Is that why she hasn't updated in weeks?!"

    In the background, Mana was calling the Headmaster. "Yes, Sir, they seem harmless enough... Only a young female and a small feline, apparently... Interested only in cheap entertainment and possibly souvenirs so far... Yes, just like that Nyaruko troublemaker..."

    "Yeah, well," Asakura was explaining to Rebecca, pulling her microphone out of her bag. "Several of our classmates, like half the classroom actually, left for Wales with our young teacher a month ago, and they've been missing ever since. Now, maybe you'd be willing to give our school newspaper an interview, you might become as popular here as Lala-senpai..."

    "WHAAAT?!" Rebecca screamed. "Chiu has disappeared without a trace, then?! C-C-Could she be... dead?!"

    "Excuse me, please," Mana sighed, putting her cellphone near her, and taking several closeup pictures of her face, legs, and then her cleavage. There, thanks."

    Rebecca blinked. "- and now WHAT was that for!?"

    "Our Headmaster says he needs this visual data for confirmation about your non-hostile nature as an unauthorized visitor to our campus," Tatsumiya said stoically, sending the pics. "Or that is his story, anyway."

    Rebecca blinked a few times, and then shielded her bust with her arms in an 'X' position.

    "... too late for that, you idiot," Evangeline grouched.

    "I wonder who is Chiu, then?" Ako hummed. "It can't be Maki-chan, she's too short, and Yuuna would have told me about it..."

    "It couldn't be Misora either! No boobies at all!" Fuuka said with a smug smile.

    "Yeah, and Natsumi is out too!" Fumika smiled. "She's a washboard!"

    Chizuru took offense at this and mildly pulled on Fumika's cheek. Remarkably, not Fuuka's. "You of all people shouldn't talk...!"

    "Owiiiieeeeeeee!"

    "It's not Haruna, she'd just do outright porn," Asakura recounted. "Iinchou is too serious minded, and Asuna wouldn't ever give perverts a peek..."

    "Right, and neither would Madoka," Ako agreed. "Satomi-chan, Yue and Nodoka don't look the part at all and none of them have the mindset for it, so that only leaves-"

    "Kakizaki!" Asakura grinned, snapping her fingers. "It's gotta be her!"

    "Right!" Ako said. "She's a fashionista, she's always craving attention..."

    "She's always gushing over Chiu, which fits on how deeply in love she is with herself," Mana nodded. "And it helped her to throw people off her scent, as well."

    "In hindsight, it is so logical," Akira said, faintly impressed. "How didn't we ever see it before?"

    "Eh? Misa-chan is Chiu?! Oh dear! And I always was so awful to her...!" Minako began despairing.

    Shiho shrugged. "I've gotta admit, that kind of thing seems right up her alley."

    "Kakizaki Misa, one of their classmates," Mayu explained evenly to the baffled Rebecca, folding her arms and shaking her head. "How do you do? I'm Miyuki Mayu, pleased to meet you."

    "Ah... Right. Thanks," Rebecca said. "Excuse me, I just remembered something. One of you mentioned a certain Lala who was popular here? Is she, from your perspective, an 'alien' too?"

    "Yes, Lala Satalin Deviluke," Mayu nodded. "Ah, that's right, you must have heard of her, right? I seem to remember she's some sort of intergalactic princess, or something like that?"

    Happy and Rebecca made matching expressions of aghast horror, and then literally fell to pieces.
     
    Heroes.

    Rito, Keiichi and Negi sat together at the porch of the large house. Keiichi smoked a cigarette contemplatively, his first in almost a year.

    "I still can't believe it," Negi said, shattering the silence. "We did it. Against all odds, we did it. We all have earned a measure of peace. Some happiness in settling. So... why to leave without looking back? Right after so much suffering, just as soon as it has stopped?"

    "Are you talking about your father, or about Emiya-san?" Keiichi asked.

    "Does it matter?" Rito sighed. "The same applies to both..." Then he said, "Negi, for you, becoming a hero was just the means for an end. A stage that had to be wrapped up as soon as you got what you wanted. And Keiichi-senpai and I are just average guys who happened to be in the way of your crusade. But, for people like your dad and Emiya-senpai... going out there, always trying, always fighting, that's what their lives are about. That's the only way they can ever find true peace. They can't stop being heroes. It's what gives them any purpose. Like my dad and drawing stupid manga."

    Keiichi nodded. "It's not that they don't care about the rest of us. Your father loves you a whole lot, I'm sure. But your father is your father, and you are you."

    "At least he left you for an important cause, not for the sake of simply drawing stupid mang--" Rito began.

    Keiichi frowned, putting the cigarette off on the grass. "That's no way to comfort him! And seriously, how can you expect him to let go if you don't?"

    "Whatever. For what it matters, Negi, despite everything, I'm glad you aren't like them," Rito said. "Haruna-chan would never stop suffering if either of us left."

    "Oh, I don't know. You, I think she could manage," Morisato teased him, with a playful smile.

    Rito's arm absently went over Negi's head so his fist could slam into Keiichi's face. "Sorry," Rito said blandly. "My arm slipped. I have no idea how it happened..."

    Keiichi chuckled, fixing his nose into place as best as he could. "Better this than being groped by you! I'm happy we aren't girls..."

    Negi smiled. "You guys are my heroes, too," he said fondly.

    "Hey, we are in a house where the girls outnumber us five to one," Keiichi said. "All of us are real heroes! If anything, Emiya-san and your dad took the easy way out..."

    "That," Rito said, "is no way to comfort him either."

    "You know what, you are right," Keiichi agreed. "Let's better bring Koro-Koro Danjo-kun and turn you back, that'll make him feel much better instead. You can be as good a heroine as you are a hero..."

    "How did Heaven ever find you fit for a wish?!" Rito demanded.

    "That was before I got to meet the Perverted Beast..."

    Negi smiled again, relaxed back, and looked into the distance.
     
    The Numbers Game.

    "Twelve," Chisame said.

    "Fourteen!" Asuna said.

    "Nine," Skuld said.

    "Seventeen," Nodoka said.

    "Seventeen? You're placing too much faith on him!" Chisame said.

    Nodoka shrugged. "He'll find a way…"

    "Um, ah, I think that, thirteen!" Sayo said nervously.

    Louise passed by the open door of the room and looked at the 3-A girls, who sat in a circle on the floor. "What are you doing?"

    "We are betting on how many girlfriends Rentarou-senpai has by the time we make it back home," Yue explained.

    "Ah…" Louise said, and then walked off just a bit faster.

    "It's always better not to ask them about anything," she decided, grouching to herself.
     
    Confound you, Casanova!

    "I'm worried about Wendy," Lucy confessed, sitting at the table with Yue. "I think she's starting to fall for Professor Negi."

    "Well, they're close in age," Yue said, "and Negi-sensei tends to have that effect on all women. Except me. Naturally. Because I'm that rational."

    Lucy glared at her incredulously.

    "I mean!" Yue amended, taking her the wrong way. "I don't mean you, I'm generalizing! I know you are in love with Natsu-san…"

    "WHATEVER GAVE YOU THE IDEA I LIKED NATSU?!"

    Yue blinked. "… ah. Sorry. I was just joking…" she said in a very unconvincing way. "Not about the part where you aren't falling for Sensei, of course."

    "Of course I am not," Lucy sighed. She folded her arms and lied back on the chair. "I mean, he's cute and sweet, but it should take more than that to woo anyone, you know? And I'm not even saying 'to woo a woman' because honestly, sometimes you look at the way Kotaro carries around him, and you have to wonder…"

    "Tell me about it," Yue said.

    Lucy threw her hands up. "It shouldn't be that way! I don't get it! What could cause all of you to—"

    Negi approached the table. "Excuse me, Miss Heartifilia?" he asked with a smile. "I've just finished your novel, it's wonderful! Excellently well written, congratulations! You're as good a writer as Touko-san!"

    Lucy blinked. "Ah… Thank you!"

    He kept on gushing. "The last three chapters moved me to tears! Please, tell me you brought more of your books with you!"

    "I, I'll give you another one after dinner!" Lucy gasped.

    "Thank you so very much, I'm looking forward to it…!"

    "Signed, even!" Lucy said.

    Negi blinked. "Oh, so it would be a gift? There's no need, I will buy my copy after—"

    "No! No! That's fine!" the blonde said. "I can allow myself that with my best sellers! Think nothing of it!"

    "Well, if you say so. Thank you again!" he said, bowing, placing a delicate kiss on her hand, and then leaving.

    Lucy began melting, with a joyful coo. "He's so thoughtful…! Nobody in the Guild had ever complimented my books before…!"

    "I think they are a little bit too saccharine, if I must be perfectly honest," Yue said very quietly, but Lucy was not listening anymore.
     
    The Man from the East.

    He arrived one morning, without calling, and the first thing he saw when approaching the large house was a small girl with light brown hair, reddish under the bright sun, playing with a ball in the front yard. She was barefoot and wore a light white dress, her face concentrated and serious as she kicked the ball from one side to another, running into its way and intercepting it.

    She realized his presence and looked up at him. "Who are you?" she asked, immediately falling into a well executed fighting stance. He smiled. Negi had taught her well.

    "I'm a friend of your father," he said. "Could you please call him here? Tell him Shirou's here."

    "Mooom!" she called towards the house. "Some guy wants to see Daddy...!"

    A familiar looking woman, wearing a light blue apron over her blouse and pants, walked out, her long light brown hair hanging free. Behind her marched a red haired boy, a tiny girl with long dark hair, and a pink haired toddler of clumsy steps, still sucking noisily on a pacifier. "Oh, hey, it's you," the woman said. "You're still alive!"

    The man laughed dryly, while the first girl rushed to stand behind her mother, reluctantly and scowling. "Oh, Chisame-san, what's with the obvious statements? You used to mock me over those..."

    She smiled, folding her arms. "Blame the bad companies. What brought you here?"

    "I've just been in Clock Tower visiting Rin and I decided to drop by. She gave me your address," the man said. "I just wanted to tell Negi hi. Nice place you've got here."

    "Negi and the girls are buying groceries at the village," Chisame said, pointing towards the valley. "You're welcome to come in and wait, of course. My tea isn't as good as Matoi's, but I've improved."

    Shirou paused, considering the offer, and then shook his head. "No, sorry. Thank you, but it's better this way. I can't stay long in the same place nowadays."

    "We can deal with it," Chisame said. "We have an Eva."

    "No, no, all the same, I'd better not," Emiya waved a hand. "So, Matoi's not here right now, then? I keep expecting for her to pop up from right behind you..."

    Chisame gave a short laugh. "Oh, it's taken me so much time and effort, to take her to this point..." Then she placed a hand on her daughter's head and said, "This is Nanami. The boy is Nara, Asuna's. Marianne is Yue's daughter, and this here is Emile, Louise's son..."

    Emiya nodded slowly. "I see..."

    "You're so tanned now. I barely recognize you," Chisame said while Nara began walking in slow circles all around him, looking at him all over. "As a matter of fact, you look like the spitting image of--"

    "Yes," Shirou interrupted her softly. "That's what Rin said, too."

    Chisame bit on her lower lip, and then said, "You should go see Sakura-senpai again. And Fujimura-sensei."

    "It's better if I don't."

    "You idiot," Chisame exhaled. Then she clapped twice. "Nara, c'me here! Stop bothering him, okay?!"

    "Alright..." Nara groaned, getting away from Shirou and standing next to Nanami. "I like your knives," he told Emiya.

    "I'll give you one when you're older and can handle it," Shirou said, moving his long red coat just enough to show the weapons hidden underneath. "You've got a good eye."

    Nara smirked and used two fingers to point at his own mismatched eyes. One green, the other blue.

    Shirou turned around on his heels and began walking away, down the hill, flipping a casual two finger salute over his shoulder. "See you some other time, Chisame. It was nice."

    "Thank you, Senpai," she said. "Same."

    She stood there, watching him take the way of the long road leading towards the coast, until he vanished into the distance.

    That was the last time any of them saw him. They'd still hear of him a few more times, through the years, but he never visited again.

    Or maybe he did. Someone left a package with Kanshou and Bakuya at the doorstep for Nara's 18th birthday, after all.
     
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    Better Ways.

    "Ahhhh!" Illya sighed. "Now I feel much better! Good thing I found you soon enough…!"

    Tsukuyomi, Gray and Juvia walked in on the scene of Skuld running a domestic blood transfusion from Negi to Illyasviel.

    "Why are you doing that?" Gray asked while Tsukuyomi's attention was instantly snared by the blood running the tube. "Is she ill?"

    "Sort of," Skuld said. "Illya is a homunculus, so she wasn't designed to have a long lifespan. To develop proper growth patterns and extend her life to normal levels, she needs to receive frequent supplies of genetically compatible body fluids carrying mana matching her own. As Negi is her half-brother, he is suited for the task."

    "Ahhhhhh," Tsukuyomi said, not having listened to a single word but entranced by the sight of blood regardless.

    "… and why don't they just have sex?" Juvia asked.

    Gray, Skuld and Negi all tensed up in horror.

    "I mean, she wasn't going to say it, so someone had to," Juvia argued, pointing down at Tsukuyomi, who was licking her own lips all over.

    "NO, NOBODY HAD TO!" Gray roared.

    Illya sighed. "Hear, hear! Who knows, maybe someday… I mean, at some point, he's going to have to grow as tired of being needled as I am…"
     
    Dog Days.

    "Negi," Chisame said. "I know that you and Kotaro don't have another fight scheduled for the rest of the week, but maybe you should get him an exhibition match or something before then. I think he and Collet are growing restless."

    He looked at her. "Why do you say that?"

    She guided him to the backyard and pointed at where Kotaro and Collet, barking on all fours, chased a desperate Happy and Carla all around, in very wide circles.

    "Just a hunch," Chisame answered.

    "Ah…"
     
    Prisoner of War.

    Chao had not said things would go that way.

    Horaki Hikari had been promised an easy victory. The Units towered over anything else in the campus, after all, and they had just as big amounts of firepower. It stood to reason that, once you learned how to control one, you'd be pretty much unstoppable.

    It wasn't that Hikari pretended to have a lust for the power the Unit brought.She was doing this for Asuka and Touji, after all. But even so, she also had her pride as a pilot. And so, she was hating this.

    Somehow, Negi-sense's forces had rallied, among others, the sensha-do clubs of all four major schools in the city together. Hikari's Unit had been surrounded by around a dozen tanks blasting at it from every angle, and finally breaching the shields.

    The giant plummeted. Panicking, Hikari hit the Eject buttons. The elongated, large capsule holding her flew out of the biomechanical device. Entry Plug.

    It hit the pavement in the middle of the boulevard, forcing many to scatter in all directions, running, so they wouldn't be smashed. It rolled several dozens of meters, breaking through the concrete in its wake, and Hikari tumbled and spun inside, hitting her head and back several times. By the time it stopped, she felt herself sick in the stomach, about to puke. Some Festival.

    The Plug's door opened itself with a loud unlatching sound, and the brunette crawled out on all limbs, coughing LCL liquid just as even more of it, the one she had been submerged into, flowed all across the scorching broken concrete.

    The Sun was unbearably hot, but despite the smells of sweat and gunpowder floating all around,. Hikari actually breathed better now, not surrounded by the exclusive, pungent stench of blood characteristic of the LCL. Wheezing, she sat up, running a hand down her freckled face, and trying to collect her thoughts on what to do next.

    "Well," a female voice said. "That didn't go as you expected, did it?"

    Hikari looked up, and the blood froze in her veins. She was surrounded by five taller and older girls, most likely about to graduate. From the glints in her eyes, she recognized their school. All students in the city spoke in the same accent, outsiders excluded, but from the way they carried, from the ways they addressed one another, a Mahora student was instantly recognizable from a Honnouji resident, a CLAMP pupil was impossible to mistake for an Ohtori snob. These girls were Honnouj. Bad news.

    They wore long, black and yet barely concealing robes and cloths tossed over them, with nothing underneath by the looks of it. Hikari had a vague impression that they didn't even mind that so much, but that they would still take it off her skin, regardless. Each of them was aiming at her with a wand. The one at the lead, a beautiful blonde with a ponytail and violet eyes, smiled harshly at her.

    "Had fun stripping us, dear?" Saeki Kaori asked in a mocking tone. "Now it's our turn to have a laugh!"

    "You can't be wearing anything under that skintight thing, right?" Kurimoto Maki, tall and athletic, with short blue hair and copper eyes, added while staring at Hikari's plugsuit. "I bet you're all wet from shooting us all over the place..."

    "What a slut," Amatsuki Jun, shorter than Maki and Saeki, brown hair in twintails, made a giggle that turned into a cackle by sentence's end. "Odds are, you're even gonna enjoy this..."

    "Enough talking," Nonogusa Miyuki said coldly, the sunshine hitting from the right angle making her large round glasses look opaque and ominous. "Let's just get over with her fast."

    "Don't start thinking that you can order us, Nogusa," said Ito Mika, a girl with very long dark green hair. "But yeah, I really want her redhead bitch friend, so let's finish her soon before the others beat us to it." She leveled her wand at the chest of the terrified, trembling Horaki, and asked, "Hey, Kaori-chan, how does it go? Big Practi Nari--?"

    "Don't even think about it," another voice warned.

    The ambushers and Hikari all tilted their heads aside, to see Yukihiro Ayaka walking closer, in her Pactio uniform, with her whip unfolded and dragging right behind her, ready to be raised and strike at any moment. "This isn't what Negi-sensei asked of us, Saeki-senpai," the Iinchou of Class 3-A said firmly. "We aren't here to bully or mistreat anyone, merely to stop them!"

    "Be quiet, pipsqueak," Saeki hissed. "Your school caused this problem in the first place, so you don't get a saying on this!"

    "This is Sensei's plan, without him you couldn't be doing any of this, and he assigned me to supervise this sector, so you will do as I say!" Ayaka said, cracking the whip against the pavement. "Or you can take it to him... Right after I've passed over you!"

    "We can take her," Ito said.

    "Yeah," Maki growled. "We totally can."

    Ayaka smiled. "Oh, do you think so? You're welcome to try! If you want, test your newly acquired, meager capacities against one who has trained for months under the Dark Evangel. You have read about the Dark Evangel, haven't you, Saeki-senpai?"

    "You little bitch..." Kaori seethed.

    "Whatever you have read," Ayaka added, "let me tell you something. The stories about her condense."

    "Oh, for the love of--!" Ito said, taking a bold step ahead, but then Saeki stopped her, blocking her way with an extended arm. "Kaori-chan?!"

    "There's no point," Saeki said bitterly, turning around and starting to walk away. "Come on. There's still too much to do to waste our time with useless fights."

    After several moments of shared silence, her classmates followed, rushing after her. Jun took a moment to glare back at Ayaka and Hikari over her shoulder, as if doubting, but then kept on following, and soon they had disappeared into another chaotic crowd.

    Hikari let go of the breath she had been repressing for a long while now, and then gasped at Ayaka. "Um, um, thank you v-very much f-for--!"

    "Go back to Skuld-san as quickly as you can, and stick to the walls along your way," Ayaka said icily, starting to move away in another direction. "I can't protect you all the time while, as she said, there's so much yet to do. Don't let yourself be noticed. Nobody is happy at you right now."

    Hikari blinked. "Ah, ah, ah hah...!"

    She grabbed a fallen cloth from a downed fruit stand nearby, wrapped it around her plugsuit as best as she could, and watched Ayaka disappear as well.

    Then she began racing towards the laboratories.

    She had a headache now.
     
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    Foul Mates.

    "You must be Aijo Rentarou," Louise said, sounding rather unimpressed. "Chisame has told me about you."

    The black haired boy smiled and bowed. "And you must be Louise-sama! Nice to meet you, I'd have worn something expensive if I'd known I'd be meeting nobil—GAHHH!" he said as Ayaka grabbed him by the back of the head and shoved it forward.

    "AAHHHH!" Louise screamed, being likewise grabbed by Misa and Misora and pushed so her face and Rentarou's were millimeters from each other's. "What in the world are you doing now, you demented rabble?!"

    "You are feeling a spark, aren't you?!" Misa asked. "A powerful spark between your eyes, linking you forever?!"

    "What?! No, no!" Louise cried. "Let me go…!"

    "Just take a better look!" Ayaka asked. "I can tell you are meant to be! You'd be a wonderful co-girlfriend to Chiyo-chan!"

    "I'm not feeling it this time, seriously, guys!" Rentarou protested. "Can't you pawn her off on someone else?!"

    "Come on…!" Misora said. "Louise-chan, are you sure you ain't feeling anything?!"

    "As a matter of fact, yes!" Louise snapped furiously. "I'm feeling a sudden burning urge to kill you all!"

    Standing aside, Fukawa sighed bitterly. "Don't take it personally. They did they same thing to me, too. And they kept on going for an hour…!"
     
    Her Way, or Mine?

    Karin looked over Chachamaru's shoulder, and gasped. "What are you doing?!" she asked the gynoid. "That's not the way she likes her soufflé!"

    "Actually, yes. Yes, it is," Chachamaru said patiently.

    "The soup, too! It's too spicy!" Karin cringed after tasting it. "She likes it blander, not too much, but this is abusing her palate!"

    "That's how she always asks for it," Chachamaru said.

    "Are you joking?!" Karin said, going over the rest of the meal. "Nothing of this is okay! You got it all wrong!"

    Finally, Chachamaru deigned giving her a look over her shoulder. "What did you feed her in my absence?"

    "I'll let you know that she never complained!" Karin argued. "Because I cook the way she has always liked it!"

    "Tastes change over time," Chachamaru said. "Odds are you are still cooking the way she used to like it, not the way she likes it now."

    "Nonsense! Has your time living among horses ruined your sense of taste?!"

    Chachamaru slowly raised an arm that turned into a sleek cannon. "I'm not going to let you spoil the Master's stomach…"

    "Fine, then how about this?!" Karin shouted. "Let's allow her to decide!"

    ---

    Evangeline blinked at the two large courses of a full meal set before her on the table. "Why… Why so much?!"

    Chachamaru and Karin only glared at her in a cold silence.

    ---


    "Oh, Evangeline," Mana said as she was ushered into the room. "I come with news from Negi-sensei, it appears that Project Blue Mars—What in the world has happened to you?!"

    A very obese, chubby cheeked Evangeline groaned from her couch. "I don't want to explain, and you wouldn't believe me anyway!"
     
    May you Never Live in Interesting Times.

    "Hey, Landlord," Mitsune said from where she sat checking her laptop. "Remember Pararakelse?"

    Keitaro stopped cleaning the window and smiled. "Of course I do! How could I ever forget? Pararakelse! We had so much fun there! A real paradise on Earth..."

    "The Mandarin has just reduced the capital of the islands to ashes, killing thousands," Mitsune gave a sigh."Nyamo just wrote. She's still living by the coast so she's fine, and the Justice Society had just stepped in, but still... Scary, huh?"

    Keitaro stopped smiling, made a haunted face, and walked over to the icebox to pour himself a strong drink.

    Nyamo moved in the month after. She didn't want to talk a lot on what had happened back at home.
     
    Red Tide.

    "Haruna-san…"

    Haruna woke up slowly, blinking at the sight of a paler than usual Cocone, standing by her bedside.

    "What's up, Cocone-chan?" the child's traveling companion asked, sitting up on the bed as she reached for the glasses on her nightstand.

    "I… I think I'm dying, Haruna-san," Cocone said meekly. "I wanted to tell you goodbye, and thanks for everything… Please tell Misora I loved her…"

    "Wha—WHAAAAAT?!" Paru screamed. "No, NO, that can't be! Tell me what happened!"

    "Last night… I began bleeding… down here," Cocone said, putting a hand on her crotch. "I bled a lot for no reason, and—"

    Haruna blinked.

    "Let me see," she said, grabbing Cocone by the armpits and lifting her. Cocone gave a small sound of surprise as she was put down on her back, on the mattress, and then Saotome pulled her dress up, seeing that she was commando at the time. Haruna took a good long look between her legs, and then laughed. "Cocone-chan!" she told her. "That's just your first period!"

    "My what?"

    "It happens to all girls! It marks your passage from a child to a woman, now you'll be able to have children and—Wait, wait, Misora never told you about this before?!"

    "Does this have something to do with how she's cranky once a month?"

    "Yeah. She never elaborated on the subject!? Warned you that the same would happen to you?"

    "Do you think Misora is responsible enough for that?"

    "… point," Paru said. "But, surely, Sister Shakti…"

    Cocone shrugged. "She's not really the type who is comfortable talking about private affairs, after all…"

    Haruna sighed.

    "Haruna-san…" Cocone said.

    "Yes?"

    "This thing about having children," Cocone said. "How do you do it from here?"

    "Oh, for the love of God…!"
     
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    Until I Find You.

    "I missed you so much," an unusually talkative Cocone said, rubbing her cheek against Misora's modest bosom. "I'll never let go of you again. You complement me, and without you, my life is empty. I love everything about you, even the way you annoy and mock me. As a matter of fact, Misora, I—"

    Then the girl she had been hugging disappeared in a small, gentle puff of smoke.

    Cocone began pouting, almost tearing up.

    Sitting aside, a sympathetic Haruna sighed. "I warned you they don't last long."

    Cocone glared at her. "Draw me another one."

    Haruna nodded as she pulled her Artifact out again. "Hai, hai…"
     
    Yuuki Rito woke up upon hearing a shrill female scream.

    Groaning in annoyance more than anything else, he moved a hand around, trying to learn who was in the same bed as him and preparing himself for the inevitable blow. But the blow didn't come.

    Instead, he heard more screams from the next few rooms.

    "Oh my God, what happened?!" Nodoka was saying.

    "Chisame, is that you?!" Asuna was saying.

    "Are we being attacked again?!" Louise was saying. "Who, who is it this time?!"

    "My glasses! Has anyone seen my glasses?!" Tsukuyomi was crying, right before there was a loud noise of someone stumbling and something being broken into so many shards.

    Honestly perplexed at not being the cause for once, the orange haired young man sat up on the bed and turned the lamp on his nightstand on.

    He walked out with the lamp in his hand, and smacking his lips together. "What the heck's going on...?" he yawned.

    "That sounded like Chisame-san," Gray said, walking out of the room next to his. "It must be serious, she never screams for no good reason."

    Rito looked down at Gray's lower section. "You're naked."

    "I am?" Gray blinked, looking at himself. "Aaahhh! That's right, I forgot I sleep naked!"

    "God, I wish Yami-chan were here," Rito murmured, walking past him.

    A few moments later, Rito was before the closed door of Chisame's bedroom, along a confused Erza, a scared Wendy, a concerned Nodoka and Yue, a trembling Louise clutching her wand against her chest, and Asuna, who was banging a fist on the door. "Chisameeeee!" the girl shouted. "Are you okay?!"

    "No! I'm not okay!" Chisame's voice came, and then the door was opened from the inside, only a bit, just enough to let Chisame's wild eyed face peek out. "Ah! You, Yuuki-senpai! And you, Gray-san! C'me here!"

    "Eh?" Gray said, pulling his pants up and buttoning them.

    "Don't ask! Just come here...!" the red cheeked schoolgirl growled, grabbing him and Rito by a hand each and yanking them inside, just to slam the door closed again on the faces of everybody else before they could get in.

    "What the flip has just happened?!" Asuna gasped.

    "What a whore," Tsukuyomi said, adjusting her glasses. "Just wait until Juvia-han hears about this!"

    Yue looked around. "Why isn't Negi-sensei here yet? He's always the first to come whenever Chisame yells..."

    "C-Chisame-san!" Gray gasped just as she let go of his hand and Rito's. "I, it's not like I return Juvia's feelings, but I can't accept yours either! Not this way!"

    "Look," Rito said, "I know you've been under a lot of stress lately, we all have, but that's no reason to start thinking Momo-chan had a good idea when she said--"

    "It's, it's nothing about that, you idiots!" the embarrassed girl snapped at the duo. "It's about HIM! This moron needs your help, since, since you're men, as far as I can tell!"

    Rito and Gray blinked together and then craned their necks towards Chisame's bed, where Negi Springfield, in blue pajamas and with a horribly mortified expression on his face, knelt on the mattress holding both hands against his crotch.

    "Ah," Rito said dryly. "He walked into your bed again? But he did that all the time, what's the big deal now?"

    "S-S-Suh-Something's wrong with me! Terribly wrong!" Negi hiccuped, terrified and refusing to make eye contact with any of them.

    "That's nothing new either," Rito said. "Did you two forget all about this routine of yours? I don't get it..."

    Chisame inhaled very deeply. "Negi. Show them."

    "B-But this is dirty, I mean, it's something private, and--" he said with a shaky voice.

    "It's fine with them since they're boys too!" Chisame said while Gray raised an eyebrow, starting to understand. "They need to see how they can help you!"

    "F-Fine..." Negi whimpered, lifting his hands so Gray and Rito could see the large wet spot on the crotch of his pants.

    "Ohhhhh..." Rito said.

    Gray bit on his tongue. "Dammit. This is gonna bring trouble!"

    Chisame sat on a chair, rubbing her temples vigorously. "He snuck into my bed tonight, sleepwalking as ever, and when I woke up, I noticed THIS had happened!"

    "You mean it hadn't happened before?" Gray asked.

    "Of course not!" Chisame grumbled. "I'm not one to overreact! No matter what Kakizaki may tell you!"

    Rito leaned closer to Negi, sniffing the air. "Are you sure you haven't just peed yourself?"

    "I, I'm not a bed-wetting toddler anymore!" Negi said, regaining some pride before the other male. "At least... I hope I'm not..."

    "Just saying, all your recent trauma might have done it, but no, it doesn't smell like pee," Rito kept on sniffing. "What do you think, Gray-san?"

    The mage sniffed as well. "Yeah. You're right. It's that."

    "You... Are you familiar with this phenomenon?" Negi gulped, daring to regain some hope.

    "Of course we are! Like she said, we are men! And this happens to all men!" Gray smiled, slapping a fist on his own bare chest. "Well, except to Natsu, I think. At least, I haven't even heard him talking about this happening to him. I'm almost sure he will reproduce through spores."

    "Not too many, hopefully," Rito deadpanned.

    "Ohhh, our Professor is becoming a man already!" Juvia said, putting a hand on her cheek and wearing a transparent light blue robe over blue lingerie. "That's a relief, I thought that it was Chisame-san's appetites that had awakened at last..."

    "GAAHHHHHH!" Gray screamed, leaping away from that while the eyes of Rito, Negi and Chisame bugged out. "You were here?!"

    "I poured under the door since I needed to make sure Chisame-san wasn't trying to have her way with you, Gray-sama," Juvia said. "I'm glad it wasn't that way since I really would hate having to murder her..."

    "Wait, wait a second!" Gray waved his hands, interrupting a protest of Chisame on the subject of her murder. Negi had grabbed a pillow and blocked his own face with it, rocking back and forth on his knees. "Can you turn into water with the clothes you're wearing?!"

    "Of course not, the girls slipped them under the door so I could face you," Juvia explained matter-of-factly. What a silly question to ask, Gray-sama!"

    A vein bulged on Gray's forehead. "Then... You flowed out of your clothes out there... then snuck under the door... had your clothes slid over to you... and you got dressed back behind our backs, while we talked?!"

    "... yes?" Juvia said.

    Rito's nose exploded in a spray of blood.

    "Chisame...!" Negi gasped, tightening his legs together. "It's happening again, what should I do?!"

    Chisame, Gray, Rito and Juvia stared again at Negi's crotch, which was betraying a bulging shape rising under the cloth.

    Juvia blushed and took a hand to her mouth. "Oh my! I, I'm honored, Professor, b-b-but really, only Gray-sama should get those reactions from me! For shame...!"

    "Tsukuyomi!" Louise's voice commanded sternly from the outside. "Cut that door down, NOW!"

    "On the double...!" the psycho sing-sang merrily, and a second later the door was split in four finely sliced sections that dropped to the floor with equal thuds.
     
    The Perfect Girlfriend.

    "The one of you whom I really want to meet," Louise confessed, "is this 'Haruna'."

    Chisame almost choked in her saliva. "S-Saotome?! Why?!"

    "Isn't it obvious?" Louise asked. "Everyone talks about her so highly! Rito describes her as the perfect woman, the most beautiful maiden he's ever met, and from her Pactio card, he isn't far off. Yue says she's brave and bold, that she wouldn't back away from any challenge and that she's incredibly well read. Nodoka says that she's a romantic free spirit, always full of laughter and joy…"

    She brought her hands together and sighed. "Ah! She sure must be a wonderful person…!"

    Chisame glanced aside. "Yeah, well… You no doubt will find her… remarkable…"
     
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