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OverMaster's Little Crummy Corner of Sub-Par Writing

Reader mode
While you Were Gone (But Not Forgotten. Well, Mostly Not).

"So, what happened during our absence, Akira-chan?" Yuuna smiled, dusting her hands off.

"Well, we finally found all of the other Sailor Senshi," Akira said. "We think this is the whole team, at least. Unless the Solar System has more planets than we know of."

"Already?" Yuuna blinked. "That was fast! How many seasons took place in that short a time?"

"Excuse me?" Akira asked.

"Forget it. So, you haven't had any wild mass orgies between all of you yet, have you?" Haruna asked her in return.

"What? NO!" Akira gasped, scandalized. Then she paused. "…you?"

"I, I don't want to talk about that just yet!" Yuuna rasped. "What about the world news?"

"W-Well, Russia invaded Ukraine…"

"Oh," Anya said, with a paper bag hiding her head, except for eyes peeking through two small cut-ups. "So that's why I was forced to wear this?"

"It's for your own good," the Batman stated. "You wouldn't believe what we had to save the Black Widow from…"
 
"So, it comes down to this," Tertium Averruncus reflected, hovering vertically over the ruined land of the large part of Old Ostia floating high above Mahora. "Look at yourselves. All those allies you made along your way, they made you feel invincible, didn't they? In the end, it just means you have drawn all that many down with yourselves."

Rakan was fighting Secundum. Erza, Natsu and Gray were handling Nii. Kotaro and Godel tried their best against Dynamis. The six Elements were working together to hold Septendecim back. Negi and Sextum were battling the Mage of the Beginning himself, and they were losing badly, quick. The rest of their allies had been reduced to so many stone statues, all scattered across the battlefield, on the spots where they had fallen.

Hopeless. It was all hopeless.

Chisame, Ayaka, Misora, Haruna, Keiichi, Setsuna and Misa stood, breathing heavily and clad in wildly torn clothes, under the shadow thrown by Tertium from his aerial perch over them. They had fallen into a single last line, along with a few last remaining allies of heart or convenience-- Shidou Hikaru, Wendy Marvell, Tamaki the dragon girl, Tsukuyomi, the Joker himself, and Darkness-san, for all the help she was-- and with Tertium standing-- mid air-- between them and the sleeping Asuna in her prison of stasis.

"Any... Any grand plan you'd want to set in motion now, Joker-han?" Tsukuyomi asked tiredly, gripping onto her sword while bright spots flashed before her. "Even if it's to screw us all...?"

It seemed like it'd been an eternity since she'd followed him out of Kyoto, and even since they'd parted ways shortly after in predictably explosive fashion. She still held a certain amount of respect and even admiration for this demon of a man with a heart to match her own, and who had willingly stepped into Mundus Magicus to achieve Kami knew what. So she asked. And then, waited.

The wide grin tightened, yellowed teeth surrounded by bleeding ruby lips smashing against each other. "Any moment now," Joker promised. "The payoff..."

Tertium landed on his feet before them, extending a hand towards the mismatched group. "One last chance," he said. "Tamaki. Learn from the mistakes of your partners. Don't follow Sextum in this foolish rebellion..."

She hissed like a reptile, but clearly out of breath. "I'd rather fall with her than march with you..."

"You never were a true believer, then, "Tertium said, almost melancholically. "What do the rest of you have to say? You still can walk peacefully into this eternal paradise."

"N-Never!" Darkness gasped, raising a large blade that never could hit, anyway. "What, what a repulsive idea! An anathema to all I stand for as a paladin...!"

Tertium considered telling her that for her Cosmo Entelecheia would probably be just non stop suffering, but then he decided she was not worth the effort and the saliva.

"I've been there. Wasn't impressed," the Joker said. "You can't create perfection, since perfection doesn't actually exist. What a joke...!"

"Maybe that's just the nature of your soul, unable to find solace anywhere," Tertium mused, almost pitying. "And that is your best retort? No true attempt at what you would call humor? You are trying to stall me, aren't you? But it will not work regardless. Even if you happen to dispose of me, you will never break through the bounded field, much less stand a chance against the Master."

Keiichi took a painful step ahead, beginning to heft the Keyblade he'd received from Aqua-san. No, not that Aqua-san. The one with a brain. "I say I can break in. With this!"

"Yes, you could. If you could reach her. That is the power of a Keyblade, able to pierce through any gate, to unlock any barrier. But it will never touch the Princess' container, and we will just take it from your petrified body. Thank you. It will be a great boon for our plans for Earth."

And the darts, once again, flew from his hand, so many tiny flechettes of magical concentrated power. Keiichi braced himself to block with the Keyblade, this weapon he didn't know how to use, and instinctively, Setsuna began the leap ahead to shield him with her body.

But.

Then.

There was another voice. A cold voice from above.

"Dead. Scream!"

And everything exploded in a downward trajectory towards Tertium, impacting him squarely in the chest, blowing his shirt off and smashing him against the barrier protecting Asuna's coffin. A massive sonic onslaught bursting through the battlefield forced Ala Alba and company to cover their ears in great pain. Chisame, suddenly suffering a headache, winced and looked up. "What the--"

And there it was, flying over them, starkly contrasting against the blood red sky blotted by flying imps and critters. Just like during Mahorafest, the Chao Bao Zi was flying, with Sailor Mercury, Sailor Mars, Sailor Venus, Sailor Pluto, and another girl in a Senshi uniform standing on top of it. Ku Fei, Fuuka, Fumika and a very nervous Ako all poked their heads out of the car and waved at them.

"O-o-Ooooo- Okuchi-san!" Ayaka gasped.

Akira smiled down at them. "Iinchou," she said fondly. "Chisame-san. Misora-chan, everyone. Sorry for taking so long..."

"Sailor Senshi!" Venus commanded loudly. "You know what to do!"

"Yeah!" Mars and the short Senshi in green said, and then the whole lot of them jumped off the vehicle, landing together on their feet between Ala Alba and the recovering Tertium.

"We'll never forget anyone attacking our school, harassing our classmates!" Minako said, assuming a dynamic pose. "Sailor Venus will punish you, in the name of Venus!"

"Um, Chief," Mars doubted for a moment. "Before we kill him, we are sure THIS is the bad guy, right?"

"Of course he is, why wouldn't he?!" Chisame yelled. "He looks just like Sextum, doesn't he?!"

"But this Sextum girl is with you now, isn't she?" Mars asked back. "I mean, she just dropped in Mahora for a short while, and Negi-sensei vouched for her..."

"HE'S STILL EVIL, THOUGH!" Ayaka, Chisame, Misa and Misora screamed at once.

"Fine! Just asking!" Shiho said, then pointed a finger at Tertium. "Whatever, you'll be punished in the name of Mars too, creep!"

"Right, right, punished in the name of Jupiter and Pluto as well," Sailor Jupiter groaned, bringing her hands together and starting to gather electricity between them. "Must we do these little pointless theatrics every darned time?!"

Large chunks of stone began floating up from the ground, gathering all around Tertium. "... how foolish," he muttered, frowning grimly. "Why are so many struggling to fit into a single grav--"

"The punchline," Joker chuckled, lifting a pointer finger.

Tertium raised an eyebrow. "What?"

The ground right under Tertium exploded upwards, once again taking him off balance, and from it erupted, screaming maniacally and bleeding from the eyes, a desperate Quartum, not quite dead yet and punching madly at the other unit, pushing him further up with each frantic blow. "WAHHHHH!" he screamed deliriously. "WHATTA HATTA RARRRHHH! GRRRRRAAAAA!"

"What the..." Misa gulped, noticing the bulging veins on Quartum's increasingly whitish ruptured flesh, right before both struggling Averrunci ascended out of clear view into the bleeding skies.

"Ah ha ha ha ha haa!" Joker broke into rattled laughter, slapping himself on a knee. "That's why I wasn't joking before, Terts! This is the joke! I injected something into Quarty long ago in this silly little adventure, and whenever he'd sustain enough damage, my juice would leak all through him and--"

"Whatever! Aside!" Ayaka shouted, pushing him aside and then running towards the Chao Bao Zi as it landed. She ran towards someone who was hopping off and running towards her as well, arms outstretched. "C-Chuh- CHIZURU!"

"Ayaka! MY AYAKA!" Naba Chizuru sobbed, both girls coming together and hugging each other tightly. Naba began actually bawling on Ayaka's shoulder, probably the most incredible thing Chisame had seen all day long. "Oh, thank God, thank God so very much...!"

"Yo!" Ku Fei said happily, also hopping out of the car, swinging a pole staff around. "Paru, good to see you again! Where are Bookstore and Yue?"

Haruna sighed sadly. "It's... a long story, Ku-chan."

Kaede was coming out next, actually opening her eyes to take stock of her surroundings. She soon caught a glimpse of statues of Nodoka and Yue half buried in the rubble, and grimaced. "This one... I mean, I think I understand," she said, sounding much more somber and sedate than usual, and firmly keeping the twins close by her side. "I'm sorry, Haruna, Chisame, Misa. I should have come with you..."

Joker huffed indignantly, dusting his suit off. "Why, so there'd be more unruly brats pushing me around?" he asked, while Fuuka, Fumika and Ako stared in muted horror at him. "It's not like you would have made a difference, Skyscraper, none of you could-- Well. Maybe one of you fellas."

Evangeline A.K. Mc Dowell was stepping outside now, whipping her long gold hair aside and scowling at the whole stage. "Typical of your lot, Hasegawa Chisame!" she scoffed. "I leave you alone, and you fall to pieces almost right off the bat, shame on you! Where's Chachamaru? And Boya? Why the hell is Kagurazaka inside of that thing?"

Chisame flinched. "Ah, well, yes, about Chachamaru, you'll see, the thing is that--"

That annoying brown haired Senpai from Honnouji had come out after them. "Haruka-chan! Where's Haruka-chan?! Damn it, if these assholes have done anything to her, then I swear that I'll--!"

"You are to just die and follow everyone else into the great bliss," said another Averruncus, with longer and even spikier hair but otherwise almost a living image of Tertium. He had just floated in from another site in the fray, to backhand Keiichi away as he tried to shove the Keyblade against the layer blocking access to Asuna's coffin. "Tertium will be back before long, but even before that, I, Quintum, shall dispose of you."

"Like hell you will, asshole!" Issei roared, readying his right arm as it was covered on Ddraig. "C'me here and tell me where Haruka-chan is already...!"

"Hyoudo-san, there will be no need for that," said Tearju Lunatique, now exiting the car with an air of cold aplomb so unlike her habitual nervousness. Yami landed from her flight guarding the Chao Bao Zi, standing next to her creator and sheathing her wings back in. "This is what the paid help is here for."

"Paid help?" Quintum asked. "What manner of--"

Then a long end of rusty chain flew towards him, finished into a huge metal hook that smashed against Quintum's mouth, silencing him through the gentle method of caving his teeth in.

Chisame, Keiichi, Issei, Misora, Misa and Haruna all looked up while Yami facepalmed. From an infernal looking machine shaped like a twisted madman's idea of a flying motorcycle, a hugely muscular, chalk skinned, hairy and smelly creature clad in black leathers and lots of bad taste tattoos was leaping off, to land on Quintum's chest, slamming the thick soles of his boots on him.

"HELLO THERE, SALLY!" Tearju's 'hired help' bellowed with savage glee, raising the hook again and bringing it back down on Quintum's face before the unit could recover. "Yer in luck tonite, Clyde! I'm gonna give ya some much needed facial recoms-- reconstit-- a fraggin' facelift, Sparky! Ya just stay quiet a sec--!"

"Oooohhh, me like," Joker said, making a curious little smile and putting a hand on his cheek.

"Yeah... He's kind of--" Tsukuyomi trailed off, blushing a little as she saw the large man brutalizing Quintum, giving him no time to get up and start attacking back. Then she noticed the stern way Setsuna was glaring at her, and amended, hewing, "I, I mean, he'd be, if I were into that kind of thing, I mean, person, I mean--!"

"Doesn't matter!" Setsuna said irritably, helping Keiichi back up and guiding him towards the containment field. Chizuru let go of Ayaka, so that the blonde could rush to their side. "Senpai, do you think you can do this? Tertium said you could...."

"The Keyblade can," Morisato said, starting to bash on the barrier with both arms holding the weapon. His elbows felt like they were made of butter, and each blow made his knees wobble. He just wanted to sleep, so much. Even thinking was getting harder by the moment. If only Sku-chan, if only she-- "But, but I'm not sure I can handle it properly! I wasn't trained by Yen Sid or anything, I--!"

"I was. Please let me try, Senpai," another tired voice said, and then they looked back, to see Rito walk towards them, with his own Keyblade in his hand, and a worried looking Asia by his side.

"Ri... RITO-CHAN!" Haruna said, gasping and then leaping onto him. "Oh, my dear, my beloved, my Rito-chan!" she hiccuped. "I, I, I thought they had--!"

For all answer, Rito grabbed her, planted an extremely deep and strong kiss on her mouth, and kept her held by her arms as she twitched in place. Haruna's eyes bugged out.

Chisame's glasses slid down her face.

Tsukuyomi bit on her lower lip. "That boy now fills me with pride..."

"Oh my God," Yami said blandly. "What in the world have you done to him?"

Finally, Rito gently let go of a dazed, happy Haruna, and stepped to stand beside Keiichi. "We can do this if we work together, Senpai," he told him. "Like Sora and Rikku, the two great welders of legend."

"Um... Okay," Keiichi said.

"AAAAHHHHH! SON OF A FRAGGIN'....!" Lobo shouted as Quintum finally managed to land a direct attack on him, blowing him back with a gigantic discharge of electricity that made every hair on the Czarnian stand in point.

Quintum stood on Lobo's fallen body, making sure to press him down, hard, against the ground, half-burying him in. "Very well," the Averruncus of Lightning said. "Now I see that Ba'al and Quartum were right. Creatures like your lot deserve nothing but--"

Then Lobo just moved an arm up, with an extra large black gun in the gloved hand, and shot upwards, blowing Quintum's head up, right off his neck.

"....!" Chisame said, watching Quintum's head fly up, quickly spinning across the air as it did so.

"I... I think I'm going to be ill," Tamaki said.

"Cool. I'm glad I came after all!" Joker said, and then began clapping like a very young and content child.

"Gaaaaaahhhhh," Misa said.

Quintum's body stumbled off Lobo's, waving its arms in all directions and then starting to throw punches around.

Issei frowned, asked "Asia-chan, please look aside," and as soon as she did, he punched a hole right through its torso.

Immediately, Setsuna and Tsukuyomi each brought their swords down, each attacking from a side as they cut Quintum's arms off, and then, somehow, shared a brief reflexive smile as the arms rolled on the dirt.

Issei kicked the armless and headless body back, and then the rest of it was pulverized when Yami's hair stretched over, turned into a myriad of long blades,and turned it into so much mincemeat.

"... we're still the good guys! Right?!" Misora eeped.

After a long, long trajectory flying vertically and briefly meeting Quartum and Tertium along its way, Quintum's head dropped back to the ground like a dead weight.

"Severe long term damage has just been sustained," it said. "Sending a message to Lord Dynamis for retrieval and--"

"AAAAAAAHHHH, SHADDAP!" Lobo howled viciously, and then smashed the head under his foot.

Ako fainted.

"No, really! We are, aren't we?!" Misora cried.

"... maybe," Chisame said.

Evangeline sighed. "All right, I think I'm not needed here for the time being." She glared towards where, in the distance, a hooded figure slammed Negi and Sextum repeatedly. "Yukihiro, Hasegawa, wake Kagurazaka up after these two stooges pull her out. I've got better things to do," she said stoically, and then speeded away in majestic flight to go greet her destiny.

"AH!" Chisame tried to call after her. "Eva! Wait! I..." she looked at all of the carnage around them, so many comrades still turned to stone. "I... I... For some reason, I don't think we can bring Asuna back without them!"

Asia's quiet, dull glare swept through the smoking cemetery of petrified bodies, and then she began rolling her sleeves up with a very deep sigh. "Please let me try something, in the name of our Lord Almighty."

The words briefly burned her mouth again, but Asia soldiered on.
 
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So many cases of names being shared with different characters of different series. Having difficulty identifying some of them :(
 
You Need Help.

"I come here after a lot of laborious pondering and thinking," Hyudou Issei said, resting on his back on the couch, fiddling his fingers together.

"Mmm-hmmmm," the blonde woman in the business suit and glasses said, sitting on a chair by his side and tapping on her laptop.

"Kiba and Caspar say that President Rias, Akeno-san, Asia-chan and Koneko-chan all are into me, but I just can't see it, okay? So I'm either going insane or they are playing with my mind," the boy elaborated. "Either way, I need to cope with all of this, somehow..."

"Excuse me," she said with her marked American accent. "Which one is Caspar again?"

Issei blinked. "You know... the vampire?"

"The one from Ohtori who fought Eva?"

"No, no, that's Shinobu-san. Caspar is a boy... I think he's a boy, anyway... who is in our club as well."

"I've never seen 'im," Harley said.

"Well, he spends most of his time hiding in a box."

"Ah," Harley said. "Sounds like you should bring 'im, too."

"We'll see," Issei said. "What do you think? I know we aren't that close, not that I'd hate it if we became closer, rotten ex or not, but--"

"What makes you think they wouldn't be into you?" she asked him.

"For starters, I'm only a pawn. I'm a pervert, I'm loud and obnoxious, I'm not cultured and cute like Negi-sensei, or elegant and wealthy like Itoshiki-sensei, and I don't have any talents beyond hitting things! I'm not an auto expert like Morisato-senpai, good at football like Rito, or a martial artist like Kotaro! What could they possibly see in me?"

Doctor Quinzeel blinked. "You're in good shape and you can fight well. At least one of those girls must really like you! Okay, so the redhead is too high maintenance, and her secretary's just a troll, but what about the cat and the nun? They're obviously ga-ga over you, you piece of idiot!"

"See? That's what I am!" Issei said, taking both hands to his head. "An idiot! Koneko-chan is always calling me out on how ecchi I am, and Asia-chan loves everyone! She probably only sees me as her big brother!"

What a dunce... Harley thought.

"Oi, kid," the blonde told him. "Shirou's also a doofus who does a lot of reckless things while fighting, and yet he's got Rin, Saks, Artie and the albino midget all wrapped 'round his pinky, or are ya gonna deny that? If he can make it, then why you can't?"

"He's also got money and is good with machines! And cooking! Man, if only he were a woman I'd be all over him too!"

"Maybe you're just latent homo in denial and that's why you're rejecting the idea of the girls being into you that hard," Harley diagnosed. "Why don't you give Kiba and that vampire a try?"

"What?! NO!" Issei shouted, aghast. "What kinda quack shrink are you?!"

Harley frowned and bopped her pen on his nose. "Don't start with your Jap prejudices against the noble science of Psychiatry!" she scolded. "If there's somethin' I hate, that's social and cultural prejudices like the ones y'all darn Japs have!"

Issei blinked. "Say, isn't that also a bigoted thing to--"

"Who's the doc here, you or me?!" she said, crossing her shapely legs and distracting Issei again from growing upset as he just stared. "Okay, if that's not it, and I'm not discardin' it yet myself, what you gotta is some bad case of self-worth issues. Checkin' on your history given by Ala Alba, your first ever girlfriend tried to skewer you alive, right?"

"Raynare-chan...!" Issei lamented. "She made it clear how much of a lowlife I was!"

"Why do you keep putting so much stock on what a skank like that said 'bout you? Bitch tried to kill you! Mistah J undermined me for years on how much of a crappy an' dumb henchwoman I was but even I could break from that, and I'm certified insane! She was just putting you down for kicks 'cause that's what villains do, dummy!"

Issei blinked. "You mean... that she might have been actually lying when she said all those things about me...?"

Harley facepalmed. "Did she say you were an idiot when listing all of your flaws?"

"Yeah, it was right between how much of a pig faced slob I was and how I surely had a tiny dick from the size of my feet."

"Well, then she was right on how much of a moron you are, but your feet are big enough!" Harley tossed her hands up. "So you've got low smarts! So what?! Negi himself is the dumbest super genius I've ever seen, and Kotaro, Keiichi, Rito, Mistah Despair and Shirou are all dumbasses too! You're in good company! If we women spent our lives waiting f'r intelligent men then we'd never get anything done!"

"Oh," Issei said quietly. "So... what do you think I should do?"

"Well, I'm not saying that you should constantly be trying to get in their pants, but next time they sneak naked in yer bed, you probably should take the hint at last and give them the business already."

Issei gulped.

"Of course," Harley cautioned, "safe sex is a must f'r someone yer age, especially since you'll be doing it with devils."

"I, I'm a devil myself!"

"All the more reason," Harley shrugged. "Last thing this world needs is more devils runnin' around."

"Thank you, Doc," Issei nodded. "Y-You... You've been a great help..."

Harley slumped, putting her head between her legs and whimpering. "My God, it's been what, over half an hour of acting responsible and tryin' to give genuine sound advice? No wonder why I left this gig! I'd forgotten how much I hate it...!"

Issei grimaced. "On the other hand, maybe I won't be coming back for extra sessions..."
 
It was a Big Rock.

"This is the last time you bother me, Batman!" Croc roared, lifting a huge boulder from the ground and throwing it at him. "EAT THIS!"

The Batman, nimble as ever, moved aside to dodge the boulder easily... but then he tripped and fell on his side.

The boulder fell on him and crushed him,

Killer Croc and his men stood there for a few moments, startled.

"That... That was it?" one of the henchmen asked.

Croc moved closer. He lifted the boulder again, looked at Batman's crushed face, and blinked. "... hey. You still breathin'?"

There was no reply.

Cautiously, Croc reached down, then peeled the mask off with a large claw. He frowned at the pulped, mangled messy mass of gore that had been just revealed. "Who the hell is this?"

"Bruce Wayne! That's Bruce Wayne, the millionaire playboy!" one of the thugs gasped. "Even that badly hurt, I recognize 'im!"

"Don't be stupid, why would Bruce Wayne put on a costume and go out 'very night to fight crime?" Croc growled.

Another henchman was supporting himself on a tree, very pale. "Oh God. Oh dear, Joker's gonna fuckin' kill us...!"

Croc huffed. "I didn't even actually think it'd work..."

---

"CROC!" Joker said, kicking the door down and starting to spray the room with gunfire. "You took my Batsy away! See if you like this...!"

"AHHHHHH!" screamed the gangsters as they fell rattling under that rain of heavy, hot lead.

From behind the large couch he'd just used to shield himself, Croc threw a large rock at Joker's head.

"GAH!" Joker said, as his head snapped back, his neck cracking. He fell backwards, getting a few more shots at the ceiling, and then shook several times before stopping moving, drooling out a corner of the mouth.

Croc peeked out and blinked. "Well!" he said. "Color me surprised...!"

---

"... I have no idea why it didn't work this time," Croc confessed as the MPD Major Crimes Unit wheeled him over, wrapped in heavy chains, into his new cell in Stryker's Island. "I even bothered to find mesself a Kryptonite rock!"

From the next cell, the Prankster shook his head. "You aren't supposed to throw it at him, genius, you must actually keep it pressed against him! Otherwise he'll just kick it away again..."
 
"What's going on?" Kotaro asked, yawning as he entered the living room from his bedroom, scratching his belly. "Why did you call for me? Nobody's attacked us again, right? I'd have noticed..."

"Yeah, just like you noticed when I screamed!" Chisame said in an irritated tone, sitting around the table with a still contrite Negi, a fuming Louise, an apathetic Rito, an oddly silent and thoughtful Erza, and Ai, who was nibbling on a piece of bread. "Some canine sense of hearing you have!"

Wendy, Carla, Nodoka and Yue stood aside, Natsu and Happy slept without a care on the couch, Gray and Juvia sat on chairs next to each other, and Asuna was by a window, looking outside to make sure no neighbors were approaching, attracted by the commotion. Tsukuyomi sat on the floor, humming to herself and polishing her sword. Thankfully, Haruka, Yukino and everyone else were away, looking for clues to Keiichi's whereabouts, at the time.

"Hey, I've been fighting almost nonstop for weeks, of course I'd be kinda tired! I have to sleep more deeply than I usually do!" Kotaro protested, pulling the last chair available at the table and sitting down. "What's got you so cranky?"

"Kotaro-kun," Rito said, thinking himself the more mentally mature person in the room, that including Erza. He was wrong, of course. He was only a distant second to Carla. "Negi's just starting his... well... he's just starting to become a man."

"What?" Kotaro blinked. "He's starting growing a beard?" He craned his neck ahead, staring at Negi's chin. "I can't see any hairs here...!"

Louise made a sound not unlike that of a boiling pot.

"It's not that!" snapped Yue.

"Hair chests, then?" Kotaro asked. "Is that so important you had to wake me up?"

"It doesn't have anything to do with hair!" Juvia said. "I don't know why we even called him here, obviously he hasn't--"

"Ah," Kotaro said calmly. "He had his fist boner already? 'Bout time!"

Nodoka began choking very loudly in her saliva. Rito facefaulted on the table. Negi hiccuped helplessly. Louise's face grew red, and then her head lolled back, her eyes spinning in spirals. Yue began patting Nodoka's back maternally, with a sigh.

"I'm really sorry this kind of dramatic development can't shock me anymore, like it used to do," Ai said while keeping on eating. "Far from me to blame your company as anything that made me used to this, of course. It's all my fault..."

"W-Well, yes-- and--" Gray began, very uneasily.

"He also had his first squirt," Kotaro sighed and shook his head, rapping his knuckles on the table. "Probably after sneaking into Chi-neechan's bed again, right? Has to be, that's why she's so much more rattled than the rest of you. If it'd happened to Pink-neechan, Negi would be dead already..."

Then he looked at Nodoka, who had to sit on the floor gasping for air while Yue grew even more concerned, kneeling by her side. "Eh?" he asked. "Are you sick or something, Nodoka-neechan?!"

"Did this already happen to you?" Erza asked him.

"Well, duh!" Kotaro said. "While I was jailed in Kyoto. Eishun-sama explained that it was natural and it came to happen to all men. Hah! Another thing I've beaten you at, Four Eyes!" he grinned cockily at Negi.

"Why, why didn't you ever tell me about this before?!" Negi spoke at last, slamming a hand on the table.

"Why should I? What am I, your dad?" Kotaro retorted.

Tsukuyomi giggled cagily, with an evil glint in her glasses. "Ne, Kotaro-kun... That kind of thing just doesn't happen in a vacuum! Usually, it happens to boys after they have some very special dreams..."

"Hmm? Seriously?" Kotaro asked, stroking his chin. "I don't remember a whole lot of the things I dream, that's a common trait of the dog tribe. I *think* that the first time I might've been dreaming about Nodoka-neechan, since I'd been wondering if she'd be okay after leaving Kyoto..."

Nodoka dropped fully to the floor and curled up into a ball, hugging herself and gagging.

"Nodoka!" Yue cried.

Negi stood up. "Nodoka-san!"

"I knew you were sick!" Kotaro followed suit. "Dammit, Asuna-neesan, call a doctor or something!"

"That's also part of being a girl, never mind her! She's just being a drama queen!" Tsukuyomi said, receiving a very sharp glare from Yue, which she ignored. "I see you haven't received proper education about that matter either, my por Kotaro-kun! When you boys reach that age, you need to--"

Before anyone in the room could jump on her and forcefully close her mouth-- Asuna. Chisame and Louise were about to spring into action for that-- Natsu rose from the couch, startling everyone, and raised a pointer finger. "I HAPPEN TO BE AN EXPERT ON THIS SUBJECT!"

"Gaaahhhh!" Gray said. "YOU, Natsu?!"

"Yeah!" the Dragon Slayer smiled cheekily, sitting before them while it was Wendy's turn to turn beet red. Carla only sighed stoically. Ai went to the kitchen for more bread, muttering an apology. "Every once in a while, I'll have these weird dreams about Lucy and Lisanna and sometimes Mirajane and Cana, and this one time, there was Laxus too..."

Gray's face turned green. "Laxus?!"

Juvia perked up visibly, creamy cheeks flushed. "Don't you say...!"

"Yeah! In these dreams we wrestle a lot, and when I wake up I have this thing hard!" He nodded, pointing at his crotch.

Louise threw her chair on him.

"EHHHH?!" Natsu yelled, shaking splinters off him as the pieces of the table fell around him. Several fell on Happy, but he only kept on snoring. Wendy had just joined Nodoka on rolling across the floor in a fetal position. "What was that for?!"

"Never mind her!" Chisame said, holding a frantically kicking and screaming and struggling Louise from behind. Louise had a fork in a hand and was madly trying to stab Natsu. "T-Tell us, how do you deal with it?!"

"That," Asuna said, "was a very bad choice of thing to ask him, Chisame-chan."

Natsu grinned again. "Well, first I ready my arm..." he said, lifting his muscular right arm up.

"Ooohhh!" Tsukuyomi cooed. "Intense manly arm action!"

"... and then I flex my hand off and on, like this..." Natsu continued, flexing his mighty fingers.

"Oh God," Rito winced. "Please don't say what I think you're gonna say!"

"-- and then I start punching whatever I have at hand, imagining it's Gray, until it goes down!" Natsu said, balling his fist up and making repeated punch motions. "It never fails!"

Everyone but the sleeping Happy and Natsu facefaulted. Even Ai, in the kitchen but close enough to overhear. And even Nodoka and Wendy, who already were on the floor.

Natsu blinked. "What the heck's going on with all of you tonight?"

"DON'T THINK OF ME WHEN YOU'RE POPPING BONERS, YOU IMBECILE!" Gray bellowed, leaping on him and starting to punch him hard.

"EHHH?! WHY CAN'T I, YOU BASTARD?!" Natsu shouted, hitting him back. "I'LL THINK OF WHOEVER I WANT WHENEVER I WANT! WHATCHA GONNA DO TO STOP ME, HU HUH?!"

"FOR STARTERS, I'M GONNA SMASH YOUR TINY BRAIN UNDER MY FOOT...!"

Juvia took a hand to her bleeding nose and trembled. "N-N-Nuh-Natsu is a rival too?!"

"Well, it's just logical, when you think about it!" Tsukuyomi said, contemplating her sword and how shiny it was now. "Violence always solves everything, after all!"

"Nothing of this has helped me at all!" Negi said. "Nothing...!"

Ai walked by past them. "Please excuse my awful manners. But I'm going to locky myself in my room now and forget all of this ever happened! Sorry, I hope you can find a solution on your own!"

Well. Maybe I was wrong after all. Perhaps Ai was, if not the most mature, at least the smartest one in that house right now.
 
Asia-san had performed wonderfully, although it had taken a large effort from her and now she panted and wheezed, pale and supporting herself on Issei. Everyone was back in shape, and they were moving into a wide, huge circle around Asuna, following Skuld's instructions.

"Now what?" Kugimiya asked.

Skuld extended her hands aside. "We must enter a communion and concentrate on waking her up," she said. "She can feel our inner turmoil, even when comatose. The Twilight Princess' empathy is just that powerful."

"So, all we have to do is wishing her back, and she'll listen somehow?" Keiichi asked, grabbing Skuld's right hand. Yuuna did the same with her other hand, and Makie held Yuuna's free hand in change. "That sounds easy enough..."

"I think one of you should just try the Sleeping Beauty method, but who am I to care?" Joker said, shrugging.

Ayaka forced herself to smile, taking the hands of both Chizuru and Natsumi. Natsumi took Drake's, squeezing it strongly, and he could feel it was very sweaty. "Right. Correct! We can do this!" Iinchou reassured herself. "Audacia Paula, Ala Alba!"

"It's cheesy as heck, but what else can we do...?" Chisame gulped, grabbing the hands of Matoi and Hakase.

Tsukuyomi sighed. "What a whole load of nonsense! Maybe we should try cutting a few toes, the pain no doubt will--" Then she blinked as she saw Louise extending an open hand at her. "Wha?"

Louise frowned. "We were through a lot together, weren't we? For better or worse Asuna also grew close to you! Don't start acting as if you didn't have your part to do!"

Tsukuyomi blinked a few times, open mouthed and faintly blushing, and then smiled and held Louise's hand. "Okay..."

Joker smiled as well. "Fine, I'll try anything at least once!" he said, offering an open hand to Yue. "Whaddya say, Shorty? Shake it with Unca Jack, for Bells' sake?"

Yue glared at him, humorlessly.

Tearju sighed. "Mr. Lobo, please, keep him back."

"Gotcha," Lobo said, grabbing Joker by the collar, lifting him like a kitten, and slamming him down by his side, holding him in place. He moved himself and Joker back from the others.

Joker pouted. "Right! Just because I'm not a pretty girl...!"

Then he glared at Lobo. "We've met before, right?"

Lobo lit a cigar up and began puffing. "That was an Elseworlds! It doesn't count."

The circle was now complete, and this bizarre assortment of quirky characters with nothing in common but the girl at their midst began calling out for her.

"Asuna!" Ayaka shouted. "Negi-sensei needs you!"

"We all need you, Asuna-chan!" Konoka said. "Please come back! We love you!"

"Asuna-san, please regain your senses!" Setsuna said. "You are much stronger than this!"

"What, what was that?!" Sakurako shrieked then, as they all felt the ground quaking under them.

"We are plummeting towards Mahora," Skuld gritted through her teeth. "The collission should happen around the time Ialda has completed his assimilation move, so he can strike at both Earth and Mundus Magicus at once."

"He timed it to perfection," Koyomi said, impressed. "As expected from the Master..."

"Asuna...!" Misa wailed. "React, I thought we were better friends than this...!"

"Asuna-dono, please think of everyone!" Kaede shouted. "Takahata-sensei! The Headmaster! They are all fighting hard for you right now!"

"I think you are very sexy, Asuna-san, don't die on us like this!" Suzumiya Haruhi yelled at her. "If you come back, I'll accept you in the SOS Brigade as our next mascot...!"

"The idea is making her want to come back!" Chisame yelled.

Then she was startled, along with everyone else, when the Joker snuck from under their chain of holding hands. Lobo blinked and stared at his side, only to find a Joker-shaped empty spot.

The Clown Prince grinned demonically and leaned onto Asuna, with his arms folded behind his back. "Yooo-hoo, Asuna...?" he sang. "Guess what, Sleepyhead! If you don't come back right now, I've got a coat full of Joker Gas right here and I'm gonna start giving your little cute friends a real good-- GAKKKK!"

Asuna's eyes remained tightly closed, but one of her arms had shot up, her hand tightly wrapped around the Joker's white throat.

Joker rasped roughly for air, moving a hand up and down. "It, it's working! Keep it up...!"

"As much as I hate to say it, he's right, that did get a reaction!" Nodoka said, pressing on as best as she thought she could. "Asuna-san is still there! She still cares about us!"

"Way to go, Asuna...!" Fuuka said. "You can do it, girl!"

"Asuna-chan, there'll always be a place in the Occult Club for you, if you wish!" Issei called out, holding the hands of Haruka and Asia while Yukino stared cautiously at him.

"Asuna-chan, I swear that after we're done here, we'll organizationate a big feast in your honor! Right, Bubuzuke?!" Haruka said.

"Right, right!" President Fujino tried to laugh it off. "All four schools will come together to celebrate you!"

Joker's eyes were bulging out. "I think... she wants to know if there'll be cake..."

"All kinds of cake!" Shizuru promised.

"And music all night long!" Fumika added.

"We'll name you the queen of all four campuses, Asuna-dono!" Kaede said. "Um, the plural of campus is campuses, right?"

"H-Hey," Joker choked. "Y-You WILL tell her to let go, w-won't you?"

"We'll see!" Yue snapped, concentrating on Asuna and trying to have happy thoughts about her.

From where he was fighting Negi, Sextum, Evangeline and the newly arrived Justice Society, the Lifemaker tensed up. He could take a second to do that since he still was winning. And yet...

He willed it to happen, and from the ragged edges of his long cloak, several thin extensions of a black organic matter oozed, flowing quickly through the dirt and stone, towards the assembled students and assorted allies, and Joker.

Lobo stopped himself in the middle of scratching his balls of boredom while watching the kids. He sniffed the air and looked towards the distant center of the battlefield. Then he saw the quickly progressing tide of black squirming blobs and ramifications moving towards them. "What the frag?!"

"Huh?" Ayaka blinked. "What now?!"

"We didn't wake her up in time!" Skuld shouted. "We have been detected!"

Zazie herself paled visibly. "This cannot be."

Lobo stood in the path of the tentacles, shooting his guns at them, unloading incredible amounts of ammo at them. "Frag's sake, ya bastitches, yer not going to ruin this perfect payday!" he swore. "Keep yer hentai thingies off these broads' asses, these are MINE for th' eventual takin'!"

But the tendrils never stopped zooming ever closer. They darted into the circle of gathered friends, and began grabbing and pulling them into themselves at ligthing speed. Before they could even react, they were caught and brought into the constantly growing dark mass making its way towards Asuna. Several at a time, despite their attempts to hit them back, and soon breaking the circle from all directions.

"Ojou-sama!" Setsuna said, stretching her wings out, grabbing Konoka and flying up with her. "Look out!"

"Ehhhh!" Konoka cried, still trying to reach down for Asuna. "No, Setchan! We haven't freed her yet!"

It was pointless, in any case, as several tendrils shot upwards, grabbed Setsuna by a leg, and mightily yanked them both into a pitch black huge gaping maw.

Lobo cursed, threw his guns aside, and pulled a huge knife out. "'Kay, Clyde!" he roared at the rising wave of blackness moving towards him, taking the vague shape of a humongous cobra. "So bullets don't do jack t' you! So fraggin' what?! You gonna eat me?! I'd like ta see ya try! Ya can't handle the Main Man's taste, ya dweebs!"

The shadows paused, appearing to consider this, and after a couple moments of inward deliberation, they just formed a large fist, punched Lobo in the jaw, and sent him flying far and away, beyond the borders of the platform and plummeting towards Mahora.

"YOUUUUUU DAMN SOOOOON OF A BIIIIIIIIIIIIIITCHHHHHHHHHH!"

"Oh man!" Yuuna gasped as one of the things snared her by a heel. "I get brought back just to be--?!" She didn't finish the sentence, as a moment later the darkness was all over her.

"H-Hey, now," the Joker raised his hands at the tentacles encircling him. "I'm not with them, you know that? What if we talk this over a nice cold glass of--"

The shadows pounced on him, forming a large inky mass, and swallowed him whole.

A moment later, the mass shook and made a disgusting sound. It bashed itself against the ground, spasming in pain, and then it vomited the Joker out.

The Clown Prince blinked, and got up quickly, dusting himself off. "I hadn't been that insulted in half a day!" he yelled at the quickly retreating bunch of extensions.

"Senpai!" Rito shouted as he kept on bashing the advancing tendrils with his weapon. "They can't get us as long as we have the Keyblades! Please hold on!"

"I'm trying!" Keiichi said, also hitting them while feeling his arms were about to drop off. "But there are so many, and they're so fast...!"

"Boost! Boost! BOOST!" Issei shouted time and time again, hitting the shadows with his Boosted Gear and forcing them back while keeping Asia secured against himself. But by this point, it was just the two of them, the two Keyblader wielders, the Joker and Ayaka, who stubbornly clung to Asuna's prone body, all the while the shadows crept on her.

"Asuna... Asuna!" Ayaka bawled, hugging the torso of her rival while the things made their way up her back. "I, I am so sorry! Over everything! If only we'd been better friends, you'd listen to me now! I was ever so mean to you! I, I, I didn't mean any of that!"

The tendrils were on her neck now, choking her, strangling her, pulling her back from Asuna. But Ayaka clung on with every ounce of strength left, her tears falling on Asuna's cheeks. Asuna's face twitched.

"The truth is, I always admired you!" Ayaka gasped, feeling that those would be her last words. "Respected you! As a matter of fact, Asuna, I... I..."

Only her face remained uncovered now, the rest of her fully enveloped by encasing final oblivion and cold doom.

"I LOVE YOU!"

The blue eye snapped open first. Then the emerald one.

The whole wasteland exploded in an awesome flash of white light.

The tendrils ceased to exist, evaporating like so many tiny pieces of black dust and ash, and then becoming nothing as they fell. Somewhere not too far, the Lifemaker screamed, cutting his extensions to protect himself from further harm, and opening himself for a blow to the midsection.

Ayaka blinked, feeling the evil presence wash off her, replaced by a comfortable, warm sensation of love and safety. She saw Asuna's face, smiling angelically, and then she felt like crying, unable to realize that the tears had already been sliding off her face even before the light would come into being.

"I love you too," she vaguely heard Asuna say, in a weirdly mature and pleasant voice, and then she was being kissed deeply, but not forcefully. Straight on the lips.

Everyone who had just been swallowed was spat back upon the dirt, visibly worse for the wear, much to the relief of Yuuki, Morisato, Hyudou and Argento. Rito immediately ran to Haruna's side.

Misa began making sounds of imminent vomit, still unable to get up from her hands and knees. "I, I, I feel so sick!" she complained. "I've never felt worse...!"

"What... What in the world has just happened?!" Ako shuddered. "That... That was so horrible!"

"That is... what Ialda Baoth feels every moment of its existence..." Skuld coughed, supporting herself up on Keiichi. "The pain and horror of every flawed existence that has merged with it..."

"Thanks, everyone," Asuna said while finally letting go of the spasming Ayaka, and getting up majestically, summoning a larger than ever Ensis Exorcisans to her right hand. "I will not disappoint you."

"Wait," Misora said. "Wait! You sure you can fight already? Maybe you should wait until we--" Misora said, trying to reach at her, but Asuna was already sprinting past them, each step a powerful rightfully angry stomp, and she disappeared amidst the boulders in a matter of seconds, steamrolling her way towards Negi and Ialda Baoth.

"Well, she seems to have this," Sailor Mars said blandly. "Maybe we should just leave already."

"We really should have brought Sailor Moon..." Sailor Venus groaned. "This won't look good in our resumes at all..."

Darkness hugged herself, refusing to get up from the ground and shaking violently. "I... I feel so violated... So damaged!" She hiccuped a few times, sobbed, and then made a little wry smirk. "... more?"

Kazuma kicked her in the butt.
 
Inspired by the newest chapter of 100 Kanojo.

---

"Here you go, Ahko-chan!" Hahari said while handing the awed ko-gal a large and fat wad of bills. "A currency you can use to your heart's comfort within this market! It's only valid-- for now-- in our big happy family! Behold... the Ren!"

"Woooow, you even like use your own money?" Ahko asked, accepting the money.

"Apparently we do now..." Rentarou said with a soft, somewhat embarrassed laugh.

"Pay attention!" Hahari said, holding a bill up. "This is the highest denomination bill, the 10,000 Ren, with Rentarou's lovely face on it, of course!"

"Okay..." Ahko said, nodding slowly.

"Next comes the 5,000 Ren bill, with Negi-sensei's face on it!" Hahari showed the next stage of her freshly printed currency.

Negi blinked. "Seriously? Why, Hanazono-san, I'm honored..."

"Don't mention it, dear," Hahari next showed the next bill in the list. "Now we have the 2,000 Ren bill, sporting Emiya-kun's face..."

"..." Shirou said, with his eyes reduced to tiny black dots before blurting out an awkward, "Thank you, Ma'am..."

"And after that, here's the 1,000 Ren bill!" Hahari stretched another one between her fingers. "As you can see, the 1,000 Ren sports Kotaro-kun's boyish good charms!"

Kotaro arched an eyebrow. "So... five mes are worth one Negi?"

"Yes," Hahari said bluntly, and then moved on, holding a coin up for everyone to see. "Now, this is the 500 Ren coin, easy to identify through Morisato-kun's face."

"I, I don't even rank a bill!" Keiichi said.

"The 100 Ren coin has Itoshiki-sensei's face carved on it..."

"It is much more than I deserve," Itoshiki said sadly. "I'm afraid you might have branded your currency for ruin by associating it with my image!"

"That's why we coined so few of them," Hahari said. "The 50 Ren coin has Hanabishi-kun's face, the 10 Ren coin sports Hyudou-kun's visage, the 5 Ren coin depicts Tate-kun, and finally, the 1 Ren coin happens to have Yuuki-kun's mug on it. This way all of the girls can be happy! Any questions?"

"I'm at the absolute bottom of the monetary totem?!" Rito cried out. "Why?!"

Hahari frowned. "Why are you so upset? You're going to have your face plastered all over alien currency across the universe! Leave something for your friends on Earth, Yuuki-kun!"

"Actually, we don't use any physical money!" Lala said while examining a 500 Ren bill closely, pulling on its sides. "All of our transactions are online!"

"... oh," Hahari said, and then shrugged. "Well, what is done is done!"

"Let's be honest for a second here, Ma'am," Rito said. "You just don't like me that much, do you? Why is that?"

"Well, for starters, you are always groping my daughter's breasts. You are doing it even now."

"I am?" Rito asked, and then he looked aside and was punched in the middle of the face by Hakari.

"Wait, wait!" Urashima-senpai said, waving his hands before himself. "I didn't rank any form of currency at all, then?!"

Hahari threw him a tiny fifty cents coin.
 
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Cat and Mouse Game.

Collet, who was washing the dishes after dinner, smiled as she saw Happy and Jean-Luc enter the kitchen, running around and playing with each other.

"I'm glad you've made such good friends!" she said. "Please keep taking care of Jean-Luc, Happy!"

"Aye!" Happy stopped to raise a paw at her. "It's such a new experience for me, too! This is my first time befriending a bunny!"

Collet blinked. "Ah? But, Happy, Jean-Luc isn't a bunny..."

"Oh, no? What is he, then?"

"Well, from what Chisame and Asuna say, he's actually some kind of mouse."

Happy was taken aback, falling silent. For a few moments he just stood there, completely quiet and staring ahead.

Then he turned ahead and bit Jean-Luc in the face, starting to try and eat his head.

"PIKAAA-CHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!"

Happy exploded back in a massive electric discharge, smashing against a wall while Collet gasped loudly.

----

Lucy blinked, seeing Happy stagger into the library while completely wrapped on bandages.

She put her book down. "Happy!? What happened to you? I thought you were just playing with--"

"A BUNNY...!" he cried, doing a full body shudder and, once again, just staring blankly ahead of him. "He's absolutely just a bunny, and no kind of mouse at all...!"
 
Mommy Dearest.

"I'll be getting it!" Lala said brightly, moving towards the front door.

Then she said the last thing Rito had expected to hear. "Oh! Good morning, Ringo!"

The boy looked up from the schoolwork he'd been getting through. After what had been months adventuring in Mundus Magicus and beyond for him, he'd fallen behind on actual academics, which now felt almost alien to him. "What?!"

Mikan came out of the kitchen in a flash, followed by a curious Momo still wearing her apron. Thankully, it was not a naked apron this time. "Mom?" Rito's sister said. "Mommy!"

"Mikan-chan!" Yuuki Ringo smiled, opening her arms as her daughter ran into them, laughing and hugging her. "I've missed you so much, Dearie...!"

Nao was coming down the stairs, with Nana in tow, since they'd been playing videogames over the last hour. "Ringo," Nao said, evenly. "Why are you here?"

Ringo kept on hugging Mikan while smiling at Nao. "I've asked for a sabbatical. It's been a while, Nao-chan. How's your mom?"

"Same as ever. Thanks for asking," Nao said coldly.

Momo bowed very deeply at the newcomer. "Mother-in-law! Welcome back..."

Ringo laughed again, reaching over to play with Momo's hair. "Ah, Momo-chan! New hairstyle, right? It really suits you!"

Momo smiled. "That's what I was counting on, Mother-in-law..."

"Hey, welcome!" Nana waved up, grinning. "You heard of all that happened, right, Ma'am? I mean, you'd have to notice, on your way here..."

Ringo sighed. "Yes, of course. That's why I came here, in the first place." She looked at her son. "Rito-kun? Aren't you going to hug your mommy too?"

"Yeah. Yeah, sorry, of course," he said, joining Mikan in their embrace, and trying his best not to touch Mikan's ass while doing so.

Instead, much to his regret, he ended up fondling Ringo's ass with a hand instead.

The woman didn't protest, though, and Nana either didn't notice or chose to stay silent on the subject this once.

---

Haruna had come over for dinner, bringing Yue and Nodoka along. Much to Rito's surprise, Yui had shown up as well, saying that Haruna had called her, and awkwardly bringing some casserole she'd cooked for Ringo.

They had a mini party of sorts, complete with Nana punching Rito after a standard mishap, and it was pretty late by the time Yui, Haruna, Yue and Nodoka left. Rito had offered to escort them back home, but Lala intervened and did that herself, saying that he'd better spend some time with his mother tonight. It was not like Haruna, Nodoka and Yue needed any protection anymore nowadays, either way.

Rito moved into the balcony, watching the five girls walk away, down the well lit street. This area had suffered less damage than most of the district during Ialda Baoth's attack, but several sidewalks were still fractured, since the repair crews focused on the main campus for now. Several neighbors were talking about leaving, and the fact that many of the neighbors were teachers added an extra layer of concern for those who planned staying, like Rito.

"Yui-chan hasn't changed a bit," Ringo mused, now standing behind him, "but Paru and her friends are much more athletic now, better toned. Even Nodo-chan."

Rito shrugged apathetically, without glancing back at her. "Well, you heard their stories."

"You too, are so much more muscular," Ringo said, reaching over and gently squeezing one of his arms. "That shirt used to be so loose on you."

"It did? I don't remember," he said frankly.

The woman did not talk for several moments afterwards.

"The sabbatical I asked for... It's a sabbatical year," she spoke then. "As a matter of fact, I'm thinking of just working from home from now on. This is the era of online jobs, right? What with the virus and all..."

"Hmmmm," Rito said noncommittally. In truth he still was having some issues clicking with the idea of a global pandemic breaking out while they were gone. Had it been actually THAT long? On either side?

"I'm sorry," Ringo said.

"Over what?"

"You know over what, Rito-kun."

"That," he said, "is something you'd better apologize to Mikan for."

"Oh, don't start playing the macho insensitive with me now," she complained. "I've hurt you, and I regret you. I never was there for you, and I can realize that. I know you aren't a child anymore, but I'd still like to think that there's time to make things right between us. I--"

"Did your secretary write that speech for you?" Rito mumbled.

Ringo fell into a long, painful silence again.

He closed his eyes and berated himself, but the words of apology wouldn't come out, no matter how badly he wanted to say them. He waited for the sound of his retreating steps, just so he could start crying like a girl, like Riko, again, but that didn't happen.

Instead, she said, "I just don't want us to end up like Negi-sensei and his parents."

"I'm fairly confident that neither you nor Dad will ever be possessed by ancient evil entities, Mom," Rito said.

"Rito," she said, "what do I have to do, for me to redeem myself in your eyes? I know that any way you put it, I haven't even started that road yet. But I want to know what do you expect from me from now on, what's what you need from me the most? I love you and Mikan-chan with all of my heart, and I know that I didn't exactly come across, with the way I always left you behind, but...! But...!"

Finally, he turned around to face her, but looking down stubbornly.

"I don't know," he said.

"Eh?"

"I don't know what I'd want you to do, Mom," he explained. "I don't even know what I feel towards you right now. Part of me feels that I forgave you long ago. Another part feels that I never held anything against you and Dad to begin with. A third part that sounds a lot like Tsukuyomi-san says that I'll never forgive you no matter what you ever do..."

"Who is Tsukuyomi?" Ringo asked.

Rito sighed very sadly and hugged her regardless.

"Please help me to find out what I feel," he begged her.

She bit on her lower lip, fighting the tears back, and hugged him back. "I'll do... just that," she promised. "Thank you for that chance, Rito-kun."

Absently, his right hand slipped down to her ass again.

Once again, she said nothing about that.
 
Mars and Pluto.

It is the first time Shiho visits the apartment of Doctor Akagi. She is bringing some snacks Mana-Oneesama sent as way of thanks for Doctor Akagi's assistance repelling the assault on the campus and saving Asuna-san last week.

"Ah, is that so?" Doctor Akagi says, standing at the doorstep. "Thank you. But you shouldn't have bothered, really."

Then she sees that it's started raining outside, and she sighs. "Please get in. You can't head back yet."

Reluctantly, Shiho does so. She is impressed, then, by how many cats are there inside. They lounge and yawn all across the apartment, stretching lazily and occasionally playing with each other. One of them, quickly, seizes onto Shiho's right leg and starts rubbing against it, purring for a head rub and most likely some food.

Shiho's small mouth goes slightly open.

Doctor Akagi braces herself for the critique. The same kind of words she's heard since she first brought Misato here, the same kind of words she's heard from every visitor since. That's why she doesn't have that many of them.

But Shiho only says, "It's so full here…! Reminds me of my quarters, in a way. I raise crows, did you know that?"

"Is that so?"

"Yes," Shiho says, setting the basket on the table. The cat keeps circling her and purring. Another one joins it. "Everyone but Oniichan says I'm weird because of it…"

After a pause, Doctor Akagi says, "Sorry, I must have forgotten my manners. Do you want something to drink? What do you like better, coffee or tea?"

It is the first time Shiho sees Doctor Akagi smile.
 
What If Rin had summoned another Archer?

"Haa… Haaa…" Rin wheezed, lying in bed with her blankets up to her neck. "Coronavirus is no joke…! But I think I feel better now… A pity about those lost classes… They'll ruin my perfect record…!"

"Um, yeah, well, about that, Oneechan," Sakura said, dutifully sitting by her bedside and wearing her facemask, as you should. "Archer offered herself to attend in your stead so your record would stand."

"Say what?!" Rin almost jumped out of bed.

Ishtar walked into the room with a wide smile, wearing Rin's school uniform. "Master, guess what…!" she said. "You just got yourself five boyfriends!"
 
The Adventures of The Joker and Killer Croc in Mundus Magicus!

"Hey, Croc," Joker said, walking into the clearing while flipping through one of the books they'd stolen. "Don't eat any of those red and purple large birds flying around here! Apparently they're poisonous!"

Croc spat a few large red and purple feathers, his face and torso all covered on large pulsing red growths. "Don't you tell me."
 
OverMaster Writes for Every Franchise in Existence.

---

Woody Woodpecker.

I can't do the laugh anymore.

The bird I'm based on was declared officially extinct last month.

I can't even market my name anymore. My name is a fucking sexual innuendo now. Everything became a fucking sexual innuendo over the years! The other day, I ran into Dick Tracy. He's really gone to bird poop now. All the while, he would rant, "I can't even introduce myself without being laughed at…" On and on, what a bore of a man!

But I can get where he's coming from.

I still have some cred in Brazil. That's why my summer home is there. But even so. Kids nowadays, they just like Spongebob, and that Loud House, and Teen Titans Go, and that stuff. I mean, I'm not pretending that my stuff wasn't kinda shitty either. But still!

No wonder I can't laugh anymore.

Last night, Spongebob called to congratulate me on my birthday. How much I hate that bastard.

My birthday isn't even until next month.
 
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Wendy's Bug Break.

---

Adapted from Fairy Tail: The 100 Year Quest Chapter 45.5.

---

"Hmm?" Carla said, coming back from the bathroom in her plain white pajamas. "What's wrong, Wendy?"

Wendy Marvell, who was crouched by the closed door of their bedroom, lifted her gaze from her hands, where she'd been keeping her face buried. "C-Carla!" the dark haired girl in the green pajamas sobbed at the small cat. "I was just thrown out of our room...!"

"What?!" Carla said. "By whom?!"

"N-Not by whom! By something! A horrible, horrible bug!" Wendy cried.

Carla frowned at her. "For real, Wendy?"

"You know that I'm scared of bugs!" Wendy whined, taking both hands to her own head. "I can't help it...!"

Carla sighed. "How shameful. I'll tell Professor Negi that you are a coward."

"No, please don't!" Wendy begged.

"Alright then. Let me handle this," Carla muttered. She walked over to the broom closet down the hall, rummaged inside, and walked back out with a net for butterflies. "I'll take care of it in no time!"

Wendy slammed her hands together. "Thank you, Carla! You're a lifesaver!"

"Don't mention it," Carla said, marching into the bedroom. She eyed a large black scarab on a curtain. "Is that it? Piece of cake!"

She slammed the net on it, but then blinked, seeing the bug just flying in circles around her head.

"As I said--" Carla said, swinging the net around. "-- piece of cake!"

But she just failed again.

"Okay," Carla grimaced, as the scarab flew away to land on another wall, "so it's a bit of a tough cake, but a cake regardless-- YES!" She jumped for it, nimbly-- and missed it once more.

"GRAARRRRR!" Carla roared.

Soon enough, most of the other residents in the rented building began waking up, alerted by Carla's and Wendy's screams.

"BLAST THIS THING! WHY ARE YOU SO FAST?! YOU AREN'T NORMAL!"

"Aaaaiiieee! Carla, be careful, please!"

Negi, Chisame, Asuna and Yue came running. "Wendy!" Negi said, finding the young Dragon Slayer still by the door. "What's going on?!"

"Professor!" She threw herself at him, hugging him tightly. "Please help Carla! She's dealing with a very big and mean insect in there!"

"A bug? Oh, please!" Chisame said.

"Oh, Wendy-chan, you're afraid of bugs? That's so cute...!" Asuna giggled.

Wendy pouted. "It's, it's just a phobia! Okay?! They aren't supposed to be rational fears!"

Negi sighed, rolling his sleeves up. "That's fine, Wendy. Don't worry, we'll help you and Carla so you can go back to sleep already."

"So we all can, you mean!" Chisame said, following him inside with the others. "A fear of bugs, sheesh!"

Wendy sniffled, with hearts starting to flow out of her heart. "Ahhh! Professor Negi is so brave...!"

She paid attention, listening to the voices inside nervously.

"Is that it? It's so tiny!" Yue's voice was saying. "Give me the net, we dealt with these all the time in the library..."

"O, Okay, here you go!" Carla's voice sounded. "But it's a demon! It mocks you, I'm telling you...!"

"Come on, you surely are-- Drat! It's fast indeed!"

"Not that way, Ayase! That way!" Chisame's voice instructed. "No, you missed again!"

"If you think it's so easy just do it yours-- Dammit! I was so close!"

"Give me the net, Yue! Your arms are just too short!"

"Fine, fine, have it your way, Asuna-san...!"

There was a loud crashing and shattering noise, and Wendy winced.

"Ahhhh! My favorite glass!" Carla's voice screamed. "You walking disasters!"

"Honest mistake!" Asuna said. "Where did it go?!"

"Over there! Professor, hit him with a Sagitta Magica!"

"Are you insane, you dwarf cat?! Sagitta Magica, for real?!"

"Chisame, there's no need to be so-- Ahhhh! It's in my pants!"

"Quick! Take them off!" Chisame said, making Wendy blush.

"Ahhhh! Now it's in mine!" Asuna yelled. "No, it even got into my--!"

"Someone call Skuld! Smashing bugs is supposed to be her day job!"

Erza came by, approaching the cowering Marvell. "Wendy?" she asked her. "What's going on there?"

"Erza-san, help!" Yue screamed. "I've got a bug in my underwear!"

"This damn thing was trained by the mosquito that defeated One Punch Man!" Chisame said.

"Who?!" Asuna was screaming.

"Oh, if only I had Father's staff! I'm not used to fight with nets!"

"Well, you'll see, the thing is--" Wendy began.

Erza raised a hand and smiled. "Don't worry. I believe I understand now! Leave everything to me. You're still a child, Wendy..."

"Ububu... I'm sorry..." Wendy lamented, lowering her head.

"Well, that's also part of the wonder of youth," the mighty redhead in the blue bed robe said, striding valiantly into the room. "Step aside, everyone! And someone hand me a rolled up newspaper..."

Wendy waited, and moments later, there was a loud whacking sound. And then another. And a third one.

And then---

"AAARHHHHGHH! WHY WON'T YOU DIE, VILE FIEND?!" Erza screamed after a fourth dud of a blow.

"E-Erza-san, beware!" Chisame's voice gasped. "I'm sure Cosmo Entelecheia sent this thing!"

WHACK!

WHACK!

WHACK!

ZTROK!

CRASH!

"WAH!" Carla's voice cried while Wendy bit on her fingernails. "Our window!"

CRUNCH!

SMASH!

POW!

KA-POW!"

"Geeeehhhhh!" Erza's voice shouted. "The thing is in my crotch!"

"T-Take your pants off, then! Otherwise it won't go!"

"But I'm not even wearing pants!"

"Professor...!" Carla yelled. "Use a spell, I'm telling you!"

"You want this room even more destroyed than it already is?!"

"Mock me, will you, winged monster?!" Erza bellowed. "HAVE AT THEE! ACCEPT YOUR JUDGEMENT, BUG OF DOOM!"

There was silence for a moment, and then a loud explosion that shook the whole old manor.

Wendy's teeth chattered madly.

Then, silence again.

"... did I get it?"

"I think you got it."

"Hooray!"

"Yue, why is your hand on my ass?"

"Ahh! Sorry!"

"What the-- No, there it is!"

"Oh feathers!"

"IT'S IMMORTAL!"

"Oh God! It, it got in my nose! I can't-- I can't breathe--! Ahhhh! AHHHH!"

"Everyone run for the door, now!"

"AAAATCHOOOOOOOOOO!"

"Oh God, oh dear, I'm going to be sick...!" Wendy wailed.

Rito came by, rubbing his sleepy eyes. "Wendy-chan? Why are you crying?" he asked. "I heard noise, and--"

"E-Everyone.. I think they are dead!" Wendy bawled.

Rito's eyes bugged out. "What?! Oh no, Yue!" he shouted, running inside. "Yue, what are you-- AHHHH!" he said, tripping and falling stomach first on the bug that was currently skiddling across the floor.

Everyone else in the room, fully naked and mildly scalded, blinked and looked down at Rito.

Then Erza punted him aside and looked at the squashed dead bug.

"... well," Yue said very blandly. "I suppose this proves it was a female insect, then."

"Bwa ha ha ha hah ahah ahah!" Erza began laughing hysterically, large breasts bouncing. "At last! It is dead...!"

"It is...?" Wendy said, quickly peeking inside. Negi yelped and covered his crotch with his hands. Rito was too busy being slammed against a wall barely conscious to care much. Wendy looked at the small stain on the floor and said, "Um... No, this isn't the bug I meant!"

"It's not?!" Asuna screamed.

"No, why would I be afraid of this tiny thing?" Wendy asked, pointing upwards. "I was scared of its mother!"

They all looked up and saw the hideous, gigantic, hairy thing with six clawed legs sticking to the ceiling, and covering it almost completely.

They began screaming.

A cold burst of nocturnal breeze blew in through all the huge holes in the wall.

---

Skuld walked out of the house, dragging the dead mother bug by one leg while keeping her mallet in her other hand.

"... dumbasses don't know the first thing about bug smashing!" she muttered bitterly, tossing the huge dead bug easily, out with the trash.

---

The End.
 
We will Receive Tons of Angry Mail from One Piece Fans Now.

"Negi," Chisame swallowed hard as the large man smoking a cigar blocked their way. "This is bad! I've read about this guy, he is--"

"I know who he is, Chisame. Stay calm," Negi said, evenly leveling his staff towards him.

"So, you are the Thousand Master's son, huh?!" the man, wrapped in a long coat as black as his slicked back hair, gruffed. ""And you indeed hang with a team of litle girls! But, even as a group of one thousand you'd still be useless! That bounty on your heads is as good as mine! I am an invincible pirate! Nothing the likes of you can compare to!"

Negi raised the staff and shouted, "Septendecim spiritus fulguralis, coeuntes. Sagitta Magica, Convergentia Fulguralis!"

"What the hell are you trying, boy, with such a basic-- UWWAAAAAA!" the man shouted as several arrows of lightning dropped on him from above, charring him until all of his body became a crystalline statue caught in a moment of horror.

"I know he's made of sand!" Negi added, jumping at him with a kick and shattering into a whole lot tiny shards of glass. "And do you know what electricity does to sand?!"

---

Tosaka frowned. "Come the fuck on! You defeated Crocodile THAT easily?! No way! He's a brilliant sick motherfucker, no way he'd fall for something so basic!"

"Ah, ha ha, Asuna is exaggerating, it wasn't quite that simple or fast, far from it," Negi laughed, scratching the back of his head. "But, overall, that's the way we ended up finishing him!"

"I still don't believe you!" Tosaka scoffed.

"Hey!" Chisame said, pulling just enough of her shirt down as to reveal a long, thin scar on her collarbone. "Do you think this is a lie too?! This idiot didn't warn me in time to jump back from all that flying glass!"

Negi sulked. "I'm so sorry..."
 
Eleonore's Heart.

They almost had caught up with Negi-sensei, but he had to escape in the heat of Sextum Averruncus' attack, and thus Keiichi and Chamo were forced to see him flee before even being able to tell him they were there.

So they were almost back to square zero, now, but in the other hand, they had stumbled into Natsumi-chan and that new friend of hers who stylized himself after Vigilante. And of course, there was Eleonore-san, too.

"I… I… I'm sorry over my earlier outburst," the bespectacled, flat chested blonde said uneasily, all of them now sitting around the campfire. Her eyes were closed and her tone was remarkably stilted, so it was clear that she wasn't used to apologize to commoners. "It would seem that I went overboard punishing your clumsiness."

"It's fine," Keiichi said, still wincing at the pain in his swollen cheek. And his swollen eye. And the right knee. And all over the left shoulder. And the butt, where he'd been kicked so many times. "I should have called out before approaching the lake. And I get that you've been under too much stress lately."

"Yes," she admitted distantly. "Foolish or not, there's no greater treasure than family."

"Senpai understands," Natsumi said, trying to advocate for him. "He has a little sister, as well."

Eleonore blinked at Morisato. "You do?"

Keiichi smiled and nodded. "Yeah. Megumi-chan. She can be a real handful at times, but I wouldn't change her for anything in the world."

Eleonore paused. "I'm sorry to hear that. I mean, you must have spent months without seeing her by now…"

"I do have a little sister too," Chamo sniffed dramatically.

Natsumi grimaced. Oh God, it was the same pity-catching lie he told every other time. The one Nekane, Anya, and even Negi himself had rebuked time and time again…

"She is very sickly and constantly bedridden!" Chamo wailed for extra effect. "So I had to do whatever I could to gather money for her! My poor widdle sis! I only hope she hasn't died yet, in the cold hills of Wales…!"

Eleonore and Drake stared blankly at him while Natsumi and Keiichi shared a groan. Luckily, no one had ever been dumb enough as to buy that right off the—

Eleonore began crying loudly. "I… I didn't know that!" she burst, blushing and vigorously rubbing her eyes with a sleeve after pulling the glasses up. "It's true what they say, even deviants have loved ones…!"

"How much money do you need?!" Drake sobbed, reaching into the breast of his jacket. "Do you accept gold pieces? I still have a few left…!"

Natsumi and Keiichi sweatdropped.

The sooner they found Sensei again, the better.
 
OverMaster Writes for Every Franchise in Existence.

---

Mickey Mouse.

"I have something terrible to confess, Daisy!" Minnie said, biting her fingernails through her white gloves. "I'm pregnant! And I'm really scared of Mickey's reaction, I don't know how to tell him!"

Daisy gasped, and then laughed. "Oh, Minnie! Mickey will be delighted, you silly thing! Why would you be afraid?"

Minnie took both hands to her own belly and shook it.

There was a faint holler from inside her, a dull "YAHOOHOOOOEY!" followed by the whoosh of something falling a long distance, and then a loud splash.

And then, a dulled laugh. "A-hyuk!"

"Oh," Daisy said weakly.
 
Love Hina Epilogue.

Emma-chan excused herself to bed early, even though the wedding ceremony wasn't truly over yet. The shenanigans of the day had tired her out, and the sake Konno-san had given her had made her sleepy.

Haruka-san had been very understanding and taken her to what would be her provisional bedroom.

Emma-chan slept soundly and deeply, but only for a couple hours. After that, she ended up with a blaring urge to pee. She stumbled her way to the toilets, finding them after some fumbling, and then headed back to her room.

As she did, however, she noticed how eerily quiet and lonely the inn felt after so much chaos and loud happiness. It was as if everyone had just left leaving her alone, which quickly scared the shy girl. She began racing around the building, knocking on every door and calling names out. "A-Aoyama-san! Kuh-Kaolla-san? Ma-Maehara-san?! Anyone!"

Finally, much to her relief, Haruka found her, wearing a loosely tied robe and sandals. "What's the problem, Emma-chan?" the older woman asked.

"Ah! Thank God!" Emma sobbed. "Haruka-san, where's everyone?!"

"Well, the party ended, and so they retreated to Keitaro and Naru's room," Haruka said. She pointed towards a door down the hall. "Pay attention."

Emma's eyes widened behind the glasses as she sharpened her ears. Now she could faintly hear several moans, gasps and sighs from that room, along the occasional giggle of Su or Sarah. Emma gave Haruka a bewildered look.

"Keitaro and Naru decided spending their honeymoon here, since this place is where they always had their happiest memories together," Haruka explained.

"That, that's not it!" Emma hiccuped in panic. "Why, why are they all in there?!"

"Naru may have won the spot as the wife," Haruka said, snubbing her cigarette off and tossing it away, "but nobody else was going to just admit complete defeat. Good night, Emma-chan."

And she began moving towards the door, starting to undo her belt.

"How many?!" Emma cried.

"Who else? Mitsune, Motoko, Shinobu, Kanako, Sarah, Su and Mitsune, of course. Oh, right, and Nyamo. I must be still a bit drunk to forget her. Guess that explains why I'm doing this," she said, grabbing the handle of the door.

"But, but Kanako-san?! They are siblings!" Emma shrieked.

"They're not blood related."

"And YOU?!"

"My husband's got a headache tonight. My fault, maybe. I shouldn't have hit him that hard. Again, good night, Emma-chan," Haruka said, walking inside and closing after herself right as the robe slipped off her.

Emma gawked at the closed door. "What… What I mean is that you ARE blood related! Aren't you?!"

Then she ran back to her room and locked herself up.

In a month she was part of the harem too.
 
Hero and Superhero.

Clark felt like hell.

In truth, he'd never felt worse, in both senses of the word. His battle, just finished, with this 'Brainiac' being from outer space had taken a large toll on him, making him feel weak and vulnerable, all too human.

It was not just the Kryptonite—by now the worst effects of it were fading as he returned into the orbit of a yellow sun—but having just met, for the first time, a creature that could match him blow by blow and then some. Brainiac himself may have been relatively weak, but his seemingly never endless array of death machines had made Luthor's arsenal look like a collection of toys.

And not even Toyman's toys.

Right now, Clark wanted nothing best than to just drop on his bed and sleep for a week. Surely the Fantastic Four and the others could look after Earth while he rested. Dead, he would be of no use to anyone, and right now, for the first time ever, he actually felt like he could die…

Then he heard the news, as soon as he re-entered Earth's atmosphere. Radio signals from Japan.

A city burning.

There was no doubt. The exhaustion persisted, but it was pushed to the back of his mind.

Mighty muscles straining, the Man of Steel flew towards the city of Fuyuki, faster than a speeding bullet.

---

Emiya Kiritsugu knelt in the dirt, holding the red haired boy against his chest.

"I'm sorry I failed you… too…"

He coughed through the smoke filling their lungs.

It was too late. The fire surrounded them from all directions now, a fire of Kiritsugu's own making. It was fitting, the black haired man reflected, that he would die in a hell of his own creation, but surely this little boy had no fault for anything? Just like Irisviel. And yet, he, too, would die now, because of him, like so many others.

Please, God, Emiya though, addressing the being he had forgotten for so long. Save just this life. Make with mine whatever you want. I only ask this much. Save the child.

Send me a signal. I beg you.

And then he heard the whoosh in the air above. He lifted his reddened eyes, burning because of the smoke and ash, and gasped despite himself, feeling true awe for the first time in years.

There was a man, in red and blue, floating high above the dying city, lit by the early rays of a dawning sun.

---

Clark looked down at the carnage. It was even worse than he had expected, and it made his blood chill. He had just witnessed Brainiac's atrocities across several alien worlds, but this was the worst disaster he had seen on Earth so far.

Instantly after that moment of horror, he focused his super senses below. So many dead. Almost nothing had survived. And yet…

Two beating hearts, close enough. A relatively strong, yet damaged one, and a small, almost fainting one. He zeroed his X-Ray vision through the smoke and saw a father in a long black coat holding his son against himself.

Carefully, Clark inflated his cheeks. He had to be precise about this.

---


Kiritsugu kept on looking, perplexed. Was he real after all? The flying man from the American news? What was he about to—

And then he felt the chilly wind blowing from above, blanketing him and the whole area. Instinctively, he shielded the boy with his body, but he did not need to worry. The icy burst was harsh yet brief, wonderfully adjusted. Powerful enough to put the flames around them without extending them around. Yet gente enough to spare them a death by freezing.

Emiya blinked, now finding himself coated by a thin layer of frost, quickly evaporating under the rising vapor from the scorched, and now just put off, earth. Again, he looked up, only to see their savior was gone.

What…?

---

Clark felt survivors in other areas, towards the boundaries of the city. Voices crying for help, for loved ones. Heartbeats. Fastened breathing. He sped up through the sky, heading for the most populated sectors first.

There's be time to figure culprits out later. Right now, there were better things to worry about.

He only hoped the father and his son would be okay.

---

Kiritsugu stood up, still staring at the brightening sky. For a moment he actually feel slightly outraged. So he was a hero after all. Then again, for someone that powerful it was easy. But, where had he been through the whole War? Why hadn't he prevented this?

Then he chastised himself in his mind, lowering his head. Humbled. He of all people couldn't assign faults, and he was aware of it. Perhaps other could. But not him.

Still, for someone like that, being a Hero of Justice sure had to be that much easier. No struggles. No sacrifices. Not when you can just fly anywhere in the world in a flash and punch a hole through anyone, anything. When you are invulnerable. When you cannot feel pain.

The man, feeling ache and distress in every part of his body, began walking again, cradling the softly breathing child in his arms.

This would have to suffice.

---

The fires were over now. He had saved as many as he could. Not enough. Never enough.

But that would have to suffice.

Clark flew to the Everest and sat on its top, looking towards the East, and praying inside, for all those lost souls. Ignoring the pain on his sides, from where Brainiac had stabbed him.

He didn't make it to Metropolis until dusk.
 
Pre Mahorafest.

---

"This hotel isn't as 'close' as you think it is, Sakurazaki," Chisame grumbled again after nearly an hour of walking through the narrow mountain roads, only Chamo feeling comfortable as he lounged on top of Negi's head, tanning himself.

Well, only Chamo and Setsuna, anyway. The swordsgirl marched proudly at the head of the formation, keeping her chin high. "For all of your recent training you still need endurance, Hasegawa-san," she lectured without looking back. "We're just about to arrive! And you'll forget your grievances as soon as you experience the wonders of Hinata's healing baths!"

"So, is this an inn or a hotel anyway?" Kagurazaka Asuna asked. The party was currently composed of her, Konoka, Setsuna, Negi, Chisame, Chamo, Matoi, Misora, Cocone and Satomi, as Haruka was too busy handling official matters, Ayaka was visiting an uncle, and the cheerleaders had practice that weekend. "Because I've always heard people commenting it's just a hillside inn."

"It started as such, but troubling times have hit the nation and now the Urashimas have been forced to accept paying guests to make ends meet," Setsuna confessed. "But don't misunderstand me, the place is perfectly hospitable and even paradisiacal. Odds are that once you are there, you'll never want to leave."

"Sister Shakti's not there, so I believe you already," Misora said.

Finally, they stopped before a huge old house at the end of the road, on the top of a green hill, following an extremely long set of steps carved on stone. "Behold!" Setsuna pointed and said joyously. "Hinata House, where I spent the happiest non-Ojousama moments of my youth!"

"Is that it?" Matoi said, disappointed. "It looks so old and run-down! If Itoshiki-sensei had come along, he'd be ranting on how much it despairs him already!"

"And then he'd casually punch a wall to be buried under it," Misora commented. "It'd work, too."

"Tsk!" Setsuna snapped her tongue sternly. "You don't recognize a good traditional Japanese home when you look at it! This is a cult site of obligatory visit by connoisseur tourists! Hinata bleeds history and warmth from the depths of its noble heart!"

"Cult site? More like a cult tourist trap!" Chisame snapped. "No wonder I'd never heard of it before!"

"Setsuna-san," Asuna said in a placating tone, "Konoka's house is a good traditional Japanese home. Even after the Joker burned it down. This? This is a dump! Sorry to tell you, but I think nostalgia is blinding you!"

"Nonsense, Asuna-san." Setsuna looked back at her beloved. "You agree with me, don't you, Ojou-sama? You have the trained eye to recognize a home with pedigree when you see it!"

Konoka laughed easily. "Of course I do, Setchan! I'm positively thrilled over visiting your old home and meeting your friends! The girls are just a bit out of their element here, that's all!"

Smiling proudly, Setsuna kept on walking ahead. "I knew you would understand! You are a woman of true culture, after all!"

"And please call me 'Kono-chan'!" Konoka asked gently while following her.

"Of course, Ojou-sama!"

"Nhhhh."

Asuna leaned close to Konoka. "So, a place with pedigree?"

Konoka spoke in a very low voice. "I'm not lying. This place is for the dogs."

They reached the top of the steps soon, seeing a young man, perhaps early college-aged, standing by the gates of the manor, mopping its front steps. His pants and sleeves were rolled up to his knees and elbows respectively, his feet were in sandals, and there was a cloth tied around his short brown hair. He also wore thick glasses giving him an extra geeky, oppressed appearance.

"I thought you'd said that there'd be cute girls here..." Chamo mumbled to Setsuna from a side of his mouth.

Without looking at him, Setsuna moved a hand aside and pinched his furry lips, shutting his mouth close. "Keitaro-senpai!" she called out. "We're here!"

The bespectacled young gentleman looked up from his work. "Oh! Setsuna-chan!" he said. "Welcome, it's been a while!"

Setsun bowed deeply, closing her eyes as she and the others approached him. "I apologize. I should have visited you sooner, but major events have transpired in my recent life. Please meet Konoe Konoka, my Ojou-sama, and Negi Springfield, my homeroom and English teacher. The rest of them are classmates of mine, Asuna-san, Kasuga-san, Hasegawa-san, and Hakase-san, Kasuga-san's protegee Cocone-chan, and Tsunetsuki-senpai, stalker to Hasegawa-san."

"I'm a Deep Lover, actually," Matoi corrected her quietly.

Chisame groaned in embarrassment while Negi tried to laugh weakly to defuse the tension.

The young man adjusted his glasses. "Seriously?! Wow, nice to meet you, girls! And you too, of course, Supurienfurudu-sensei!" he said, clearly struggling with the name. "Um, excuse me... How old are you, please?"

"I'm ten!" the boy smiled, warmly.

"So he's not a circus midget or anything like that," Chisame deadpanned.

"I, I didn't imply I thought that!" Urashima said defensively.

"What's with that bad English now, Senpai?" Setsuna asked him. "You've lived in America for months!"

Keitaro-san laughed awkwardly. He reminded Chisame vaguely of Rito-senpai for some reason, so she discreetly stepped back from him. "Oh, that was over a year ago now, Setchan! I started growing rusty as soon as I settled back in Japan."

"Besides, if it was American English, it couldn't have been good English," Negi said, nodding sagely.

Konoka blinked. "What... What have you just called her, Urashima-san?"

Asuna rasped into a fist. "Konoka..."

"All the same, Sarah-chan should have kept you practicing," Setsuna sighed. "Where is everyone else, by the way?"

"Well..." the young man said, "Motoko-chan was called away by her parents to discuss some family affairs. Shinobu-chan is spending the weekend over at her dad's place, and Suu-chan and Sarah-chan invited themselves along. Aunt Haruka is out buying clothes, so it's only Naru, Mutsumi, Mitsune and me here right now..."

"I'm so sorry, then," Setsuna lowered her head. "I really should have called to announce our arrival, but I wanted this to be a surprise."

"Hey, now, don't worry!" Keitaro waved a hand at her. "You always can come back later, right? But in the meanwhile, enjoy your newest stay here, the girls will love having you back! Um, how long will that be anyway?"

"Only until Monday," Setsuna said.

"Oh, you're leaving that quickly?" the young man said.

"It cannot be helped, we still aren't on vacation after all," Setsuna replied.

"Before we unpack, though," Chisame said, picking Chamo up and lifting him from Negi's head, "we need to know, do you accept animals here?"

Keitaro sighed as a thought balloon appeared over his head, holding the image of a small flying turtle with a bra in its mouth. "Oh, you have no idea... Yeah, we're cool with that."

Then he sniffed. "By the way, no offense, but maybe Negi-sensei would like taking a bath after the long trip here under this scorching sun? I mean, for someone his age, that must be-"

"There's no need to sugarcoat it, we know he reeks," Asuna said.

"HEY!" Negi protested.

Chisame nodded. "He smells that badly, yes. And this is just being a child! Imagine when he grows older..."

"And he starts growing hair everywhere..." Asuna continued.

"And then he-" Chisame was interrupted when Negi threw his hands up and gave up.

"Okay, okay, I understand your point! Just show me the way to the baths, Urashima-san..."

"I can't help but having a bad feeling of sorts about this," Cocone said, just quietly enough as to not be heard.
 
A Bit Overboard, Aren't You?

"Ayase, we need to talk," Louise said, showing up in Yue's bedroom. "This is serious. The Lady Erza and Miss Heartfilia are pushing for Wendy to pursue a romance with Negi!"

Yue looked up from the book she'd been reading. "Huh? What makes you think that?"

Louise looked back outside, towards the hall, where Erza and Lucy smiled while making a groaning Wendy turn around, wearing a bridal gown. Carla stood aside and nodded stoically.

"Just a hunch, you complete idiot!" Louise snapped at the librarian.
 
My Fair Lady.

Chisame grabbed Louise by the shoulders. "Louise-san," she told her. "If we're going to be friends, there's something you need to know about me."

"What is it?" the pink haired girl asked.

Chisame breathed in. "There's this girl, my senpai, named Tsunetsuki Matoi. Odds are we'll find her before long."

"Oh, that girl behind you in the Gateport!" Tsukuyomi said from where she sat by the window, reading a book lazily. "I liked the fire in her eyes, I really did."

"…" Chisame said. "All right. Louise-san, listen, Tsunetsuki may be a bit… hard to deal with… when she learns you're my friend."

"What do you mean by that?" Louise frowned.

Chisame sighed. "She's my Juvia."

Louise recoiled.

Tsukuyomi raised an eyebrow. "Well! That would explain a few things!"

"I… I see," Louise stammered. "Then, ummmm. Why don't you hire Iwai to deal with her?" she asked, pointing at Tsukuyomi.

"What? No!" Chisame said.

"Are you sure you want to discard the idea?" Tsukuyomi asked. "I don't say this for the pay, it's just for your best too. Juvias are best dealt with before they harm you. Why, if I were Kono-chan, I'd have hired someone to deal with me long ago…"

"Don't you dare comparing Tsunetsuki with yourself!" Chisame seethed.

"Okay, okay, I also find it hard to believe she could ever be anywhere as bad as Iwai," Louise said, raising her hands to placate Hasegawa. "I'll be okay, all right? I can take care of myself now that I'm learning Void Magic!"

Chisame paused. "Right. Fair enough. I just wanted you to know, just in case. One never knows. Ummm. I think I'll go see what's taking Rito-senpai and Collet so long with the dinner," she said uneasily.

And then she left the room.

Louise and Tsukuyomi waited a few moments.

"She kind of returns those feelings, doesn't she?" Louise asked at last.

"Oh, totally!" Tsukuyomi went back to her book. "I was just messing with her. You could just see it back at the Gateport!"

Juvia's head peeked in from the door opposite the direction Chisame had taken. "What is so wrong about anyone having their own private Juvia, anyway?!"
 
OverMaster Writes for Every Franchise in Existence.
---

Howard the Duck.

The gravestone just read 'Trapped in a Coffin he Never Made'.
 
OverMaster Writes for Every Franchise in Existence.

---

Deadpool.

"I wonder what my segment will be about," he mused aloud, sitting down and starting to polish one of his guns with a cloth. This is not an euphemism for masturbation. "These segments are generally either very quick one line lame jokes, somewhat longer gag pieces with a lame twist at the end, or dark and cynical subversions on a light hearted source. Or just plain wangsty waxing!"

He sighed through the full face mask. "A quick lame joke, no doubt. I doubt I'll score anything like the Suicide Squad piece. But you know what, Gun, I'd actually like something more philosophical and introspective. I can do serious too, yanno! I have a tragic sordid past and everything!"

He lifted his gaze and let it wander around. "Blah blah, laugh to mask the pain. Yadda yadda, tragic clown, bleh bleh. Yakkity smakkity, dark days spent in a damp cell as they took my body apart, piece by piece, smakkity smak! Those things stay with a man. I hurt inside, but I laugh to forget. Now that's a lame joke…"

Well, this settles it then. With this we have enough for a segment, and it was contemplative enough without overstaying its welcome. Thank you, Wade. Now, moving along…

"What?! That was it all?!" he gasped. "You bastard!"
 
The Death of the Joker.

"P-Please hold my hand..." the old man asked weakly as he coughed. "I know I have done... so many horrible things... but I'm cold... It's getting so dark... and I don't have anyone..."

The nurse smiled sadly and grabbed his hand.

She was immediately charred into a black crisp.

He laughed, even while choking. "HAH! I still have it!"
 
Unequally 100 Kanojo, Chapter 22.

---

With the usual apologies to Darkenning.

---

"I am appalled," Konoemon said.

"And shocked?" Hahari asked mildly as she stood before his desk.

"Yes, and shocked!" the old man snapped, annoyed at having his words anticipated like that. Not to mention at some vague, yet very upsetting, sensation of deja vu. "Mahora Academy, Madame, is not for sale!"

"I am well aware by now of the importance of this school for the magical community as a whole, and I wouldn't do anything to disrupt the delicate balance you have achieved," the busty woman said. "I will freely admit my ignorance on exactly how to handle these aspects of school life, though, so I wouldn't dream of removing you completely. Maybe a job as a Vice Principal, where you can take charge exclusively of magic related matters while leaving the rest of the administration on my shoulders, would leave you in a greater ease to handle your other responsibilities as the elder of Kanto?"

Konoemon stared blankly at her.

"Please don't force me to be brusquely blunt," she requested, "and make me bring up the issue of your advancing age."

"You just did!"

Hahari sighed. "Sensei. Please, don't be stubborn. We both know that the recent academy-wide disasters have taken a toll on the school's finances, and that you are being hounded by the Magical Associations and Honnouji alike. I'm the only one who is able and willing to bail you out financially so you can focus on the magical aspects of your defense, unless you wish to be indebted to Naba Genjuro or Lex Luthor."

After a long moment, Konoemon spoke without looking directly at her. "There is something to what you say, but -"

Hahari smiled very sweetly and subtly pulled on the edge of her cleavage, widening it just the slightest bit.

Konoemon's eyes followed unwillingly, under the thick and white eyebrows.

---

"My name is Hanazono Hahari!" The tall and buxom woman in the business suit smiled, addressing the gathered students from her podium. "And starting today, I'll be your new chairwoman!"

Somewhere in the crowd, Hakari facefaulted violently, while Karane made the deepest expression of disgust.
 
Inner Voices.

"… I… I can't believe you!" Chisame finally snapped at her. "Don't you have a conscience?!"

Tsukuyomi blinked. "What's a conscience?"

Chisame paused, unsure of what to do out of that. "You… You are just toying with me, right?"

Tsukuyomi only stared at her with large, round curious eyes behind the thick glasses.

"You really don't know?! Everyone knows!" Chisame said. "The conscience! That small voice of sorts in the back of your mind, that scolds you when you're doing something wrong!"

"Ah! No, I don't have that!" the little blonde said peppily. "What I have is this invisible demon who sounds a lot like me, constantly yelling 'You're evil! You're dirty! You're worthless! You only are good for killing!'"

The taller girl gawked.

---

Chisame sat at the dinner table, shell shocked and holding her head in her hands.

Natsu-san walked by, and then stopped. "Ah. Did she already tell you about the demon?"
 
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